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Final Fantasy: Part 1 - The Mystery of Skull Island (Canceled)

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Greninjaman

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Sorry. This story is no longer being worked on.
 
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Torchic W. Pip

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So cards on the table: my knowledge of Final Fantasy comes from Final Fantasy and 8 Bit Music Theory videos. However, I was able to read this story just fine with next to no information about the series.

Two big grammatical issues are present throughout this chapter:

1. The changing of tenses - The tense will change from present to past tense a lot, sometimes within the same sentence. With few exceptions (ex. narrative in present tense, with flashbacks in the past tense), the tense of the narrative should stay consistent.

Just then, a scream is heard, followed by the sound of hissing. Erik and Leon looked down towards the dock at the bow of the ship to see a green fish-like monster has climbed up onto the dock.
The narrative can be in present tense:
Just then, a scream is heard, followed by the sound of hissing. Erik and Leon look down towards the dock at the bow of the ship to see a green fish-like monster has climbed up onto the dock.
Or in the past tense:
Just then, a scream was heard, followed by the sound of hissing. Erik and Leon looked down towards the dock at the bow of the ship to see a green fish-like monster had climbed up onto the dock.
It's just got to be consistent.

2. Lack of dialogue beaks - There are more than a few rules for new paragraphs, but one of the rules is that you nee a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker.
"There we go. 12 barrels of Wind Gems," Erik said, wiping his brow. Leon nods. "You did a great job today, laddie. I'd say that's enough for now," Leon said, a large grin on his bearded face. "I did organize the cannonballs as well," Erik said.
So this would be:
"There we go. 12 barrels of Wind Gems," Erik said, wiping his brow.
Leon nods. "You did a great job today, laddie. I'd say that's enough for now," Leon said, a large grin on his bearded face.
"I did organize the cannonballs as well," Erik said.
Also, you don't always need dialogue tags. For example, if two characters are having a back and forth—
"There we go. 12 barrels of Wind Gems," Erik said, wiping his brow.
Leon nods. "You did a great job today, laddie. I'd say that's enough for now," he said, a large grin on his bearded face.
"I did organize the cannonballs as well."
—dialogue tags aren't necessary for every piece of dialogue.

Also, if a thing of dialogue goes on for a few sentences or longer, it's better to put the dialogue tag in the middle of it. One good place to put dialogue tags is in a "beat" in the dialogue:
"Tons, lad. So many I've lost track. I once almost killed a Mermaid. That would have been a tad awkward. To my credit, I had never seen a Mermaid until that point. Thought it was a monster," Came Leon's reply.
"Tons, lad. So many I've lost track," came Leon's reply. "I once almost killed a Mermaid. That would have been a tad awkward. To my credit, I had never seen a Mermaid until that point. Thought it was a monster."
There are, of course, times when you can get away with a character monologuing without break, but if you do that, it's best to put the dialogue (or establish the speaker another way) near the beginning of the dialogue.

I like how you wrote the fight scenes: short but effective. I also love Erik an Leon's mentor/fatherly dynamic. I love those kinds of dynamics.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this story will play out!
 

System Error

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I'm here to kill Chaos read a fic.

- Huh, I guess the Warrior of Light and Sarah are childhood friends here
- Weird but not the first time I've seen directly labeling flashbacks
- Noticing no paragraph breaks when there's a new speaker
- Pft, Sahagins are pretty weak in-game. And they have GUNS here too. Also I guess Falchion is not the type of weapon here.
- R.SAHAG!
- Wow killed execution style
- Hm, guessing the mermaids are more well known here.
- No scene transitions, should probably makes some.
- And here comes Bikke, pretending (or actually) to be competent and maybe having a link to the kidnapping this time. Or more.

Well, an interesting start. Like some of the expansion so far, but we'll see where it goes. MtaT handled the technical side of things, so didn't go much into those.
 

Greninjaman

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@more than a torchic: Thanks! I did the edits that you suggested and found that I do like it more than the way I had them. Makes the dialogues easier to read. Also, what did you enjoy about the fight scene?

@System Error:
  • Huh, I guess the Warrior of Light and Sarah are childhood friends here
  • Weird but not the first time I've seen directly labeling flashbacks
  • Noticing no paragraph breaks when there's a new speaker
  • Pft, Sahagins are pretty weak in-game. And they have GUNS here too. Also I guess Falchion is not the type of weapon here.
  • R.SAHAG!
  • Wow killed execution style
  • Hm, guessing the mermaids are more well known here.
  • No scene transitions, should probably makes some.
  • And here comes Bikke, pretending (or actually) to be competent and maybe having a link to the kidnapping this time. Or more.
1: Yeah. The two are childhood friends. Makes it more personal when a kidnapping happens.
2: Yeah. It is weird. I personally do it simply for me as much as it is for the reader(s).
3: Fixed, thanks to MtaT's advice.
4: Yeah, the Sahagins are certainly weaker than some other monsters found at sea in Final Fantasy 1.
5 and 6: I don't know what this means.
7: Yeah. I figured that I should have mermaids be more known. Not sure what I will do with them right now.
8: Not sure how to do scene transitions.
9: Yeah. Bikke will certainly play a larger role here than he did in the game.
 

Greninjaman

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I thought that they were a good length; not too long, not too short. I also like how you used them to highlight the differences in Erik and Leon's skills.
That's also the reason I had a Sahagin Chief show up (which is of course a stronger version of a Sahagin). Makes sense that the more skilled person take on a stronger monster, in comparison to the one who is not as skilled.

Of course, stronger monsters will have longer battles.
 
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Dorothy

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I'll say out of the gate that I'm not a Final Fantasy fan, so I struggled connecting with this story. I struggled to see the point of including the flashback, and I didn't like the way you abruptly segued in and out of it. The continual changing of tenses was jarring as well, and something to work on. All that said, I think you've got a real knack for writing action scenes. I found myself really invested in the action of this chapter.

I don't think this is really a bad story, but it's not my cup of tea. Best of luck in your endeavors.
 

Greninjaman

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I'll say out of the gate that I'm not a Final Fantasy fan, so I struggled connecting with this story. I struggled to see the point of including the flashback, and I didn't like the way you abruptly segued in and out of it. The continual changing of tenses was jarring as well, and something to work on. All that said, I think you've got a real knack for writing action scenes. I found myself really invested in the action of this chapter.

I don't think this is really a bad story, but it's not my cup of tea. Best of luck in your endeavors.
I do plan on rewriting this. I do appreciate your review. Also, I do agree with you about the flashback. I could have just had Princess Sarah show up at the house with the pie. This issues I had with this are why I stopped working on this for this long. Like, the chapter could be longer. I could have done more with Princess Sarah and Bikke than what I did.
 
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