- Joined
- Feb 16, 2018
- Messages
- 5,023
- Reaction score
- 4,025
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Sorry. This story is no longer being worked on.
Last edited:
Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
The narrative can be in present tense:Just then, a scream is heard, followed by the sound of hissing. Erik and Leon looked down towards the dock at the bow of the ship to see a green fish-like monster has climbed up onto the dock.
Or in the past tense:Just then, a scream is heard, followed by the sound of hissing. Erik and Leon look down towards the dock at the bow of the ship to see a green fish-like monster has climbed up onto the dock.
It's just got to be consistent.Just then, a scream was heard, followed by the sound of hissing. Erik and Leon looked down towards the dock at the bow of the ship to see a green fish-like monster had climbed up onto the dock.
So this would be:"There we go. 12 barrels of Wind Gems," Erik said, wiping his brow. Leon nods. "You did a great job today, laddie. I'd say that's enough for now," Leon said, a large grin on his bearded face. "I did organize the cannonballs as well," Erik said.
"There we go. 12 barrels of Wind Gems," Erik said, wiping his brow.
Leon nods. "You did a great job today, laddie. I'd say that's enough for now," Leon said, a large grin on his bearded face.
Also, you don't always need dialogue tags. For example, if two characters are having a back and forth—"I did organize the cannonballs as well," Erik said.
"There we go. 12 barrels of Wind Gems," Erik said, wiping his brow.
Leon nods. "You did a great job today, laddie. I'd say that's enough for now," he said, a large grin on his bearded face.
—dialogue tags aren't necessary for every piece of dialogue."I did organize the cannonballs as well."
"Tons, lad. So many I've lost track. I once almost killed a Mermaid. That would have been a tad awkward. To my credit, I had never seen a Mermaid until that point. Thought it was a monster," Came Leon's reply.
There are, of course, times when you can get away with a character monologuing without break, but if you do that, it's best to put the dialogue (or establish the speaker another way) near the beginning of the dialogue."Tons, lad. So many I've lost track," came Leon's reply. "I once almost killed a Mermaid. That would have been a tad awkward. To my credit, I had never seen a Mermaid until that point. Thought it was a monster."
1: Yeah. The two are childhood friends. Makes it more personal when a kidnapping happens.
- Huh, I guess the Warrior of Light and Sarah are childhood friends here
- Weird but not the first time I've seen directly labeling flashbacks
- Noticing no paragraph breaks when there's a new speaker
- Pft, Sahagins are pretty weak in-game. And they have GUNS here too. Also I guess Falchion is not the type of weapon here.
- R.SAHAG!
- Wow killed execution style
- Hm, guessing the mermaids are more well known here.
- No scene transitions, should probably makes some.
- And here comes Bikke, pretending (or actually) to be competent and maybe having a link to the kidnapping this time. Or more.
I thought that they were a good length; not too long, not too short. I also like how you used them to highlight the differences in Erik and Leon's skills.Also, what did you enjoy about the fight scene?
That's also the reason I had a Sahagin Chief show up (which is of course a stronger version of a Sahagin). Makes sense that the more skilled person take on a stronger monster, in comparison to the one who is not as skilled.I thought that they were a good length; not too long, not too short. I also like how you used them to highlight the differences in Erik and Leon's skills.
I do plan on rewriting this. I do appreciate your review. Also, I do agree with you about the flashback. I could have just had Princess Sarah show up at the house with the pie. This issues I had with this are why I stopped working on this for this long. Like, the chapter could be longer. I could have done more with Princess Sarah and Bikke than what I did.I'll say out of the gate that I'm not a Final Fantasy fan, so I struggled connecting with this story. I struggled to see the point of including the flashback, and I didn't like the way you abruptly segued in and out of it. The continual changing of tenses was jarring as well, and something to work on. All that said, I think you've got a real knack for writing action scenes. I found myself really invested in the action of this chapter.
I don't think this is really a bad story, but it's not my cup of tea. Best of luck in your endeavors.