- Joined
- Apr 17, 2010
- Messages
- 7,435
- Reaction score
- 475
Here for the review game!
Of all your stories, I think this is the most readable. The format really helps things flow naturally while also keeping someone hooked. Internal thoughts are really your fortay, and this is a big internal thought exercise in a way, two character studies unfolding side-by-side. It is intriguing, it is well-written, and I am excited to read more. But this is a character piece, so I am going to focus on them.
Of the two, Markus is easily the more interesting. He is a complex and intriguing character, with a lot of backstory, depth and contradictions already that make him intriguing to read. His heartbreaking story in the fourth letter about losing his starters was gripping and devastating and shows why you are our queen of the feels. The prison schedule in the sixth was a great way to shine some more light on him and get some exposition out of the way, and I think these letters have a great balance between necessary exposition and working it into the story. It is to his benefit that Haley is the one that approached him, so he is answering her questions.
Haley is not a bad character, but she also is not as entertaining. I think my issues with her boil down to her age and naivety. She is 18 but kind of acts younger - I would've thought 15/16, but that might just be because every 13 y/o on this site is fighting apocalypses and crime lords XD. She clearly has her own secrets, and the little hints at her backstory show a dark past that I am sure will be mined to great detail eventually. I guess I am just a bit peeved at it being constantly hinted at but information is only drip fed, and her personality makes it a tad more aggrieving than it could be if she was perhaps craftier with how she writes. It is not to doubt your ability - her letters are clearly written in a particular style and voice, and it is utterly believable. It is just to the story's detriment how believable it is. I did however like her analysis of her Pokemon in the first letter and how they got their nicknames/the defence of Seybs name - it was very sweet and the most relatable and warming part of her story. Her capture of the Noibat was an entertaining read and a nice little contrast to the grim prison setting that came later. My biggest advice around her would be to get the balance between exposition/hints at the past and her travelogue right. She seems to dump things into segments (past, current), when it could be more interesting to have her thoughts more erratic and move between the present and the past when relevant, if that makes sense.
My main gripe at the moment is that I don't really know why they are talking to each other. I believe there is more to it, and apologies if things are clarified in later chapters, but by the end of the sixth I am not sure the attraction. Haley clearly wants and needs an outlet for her thoughts, and Markus clearly needs company, but both are potentially hiding their true intentions and it is a bit bothersome wondering why they are - but hey, I guess it means I'll keep reading
Two smaller things. One, the little blocks of description in Haley's letter, such as of Anistar in her first one, are fine but I feel don't add much asides from the world building. I don't quite get why she is telling him all about Kalos' past and that, and some of the description can feel a bit stilted opposed to the thought chains. Secondly, I noticed both characters, mostly in the first four, had a habit of stating things kind of directly about their personality. I think it works for Haley, and Markus pointing it out was a nice touch, but he does it himself. Warning he could embellish things in the second letter felt unnecessary, and really has only been directly referenced with the story of his birth. I think I'd rather guess if he was an unreliable narrator or not. And in the fourth chapter, him saying "...Did I steal them? Did I bribe or threaten Professor Sycamore?" again felt unnecessary, and I think if he was going for vague or mysterious or threatening, saying that Sycamore didn't report him would have been enough.
Overall, I liked it and I look forward to reading more. Most of my gripes are minor and likely just personal issues, and some of them (namely Haley's personality) highlight how much thought you've put into writing such clear and distinct characters. but if you want to discuss Haley with me some more, I'd happily do so. Keep up the good work, and I hope to binge the other letters soon!
Of all your stories, I think this is the most readable. The format really helps things flow naturally while also keeping someone hooked. Internal thoughts are really your fortay, and this is a big internal thought exercise in a way, two character studies unfolding side-by-side. It is intriguing, it is well-written, and I am excited to read more. But this is a character piece, so I am going to focus on them.
Of the two, Markus is easily the more interesting. He is a complex and intriguing character, with a lot of backstory, depth and contradictions already that make him intriguing to read. His heartbreaking story in the fourth letter about losing his starters was gripping and devastating and shows why you are our queen of the feels. The prison schedule in the sixth was a great way to shine some more light on him and get some exposition out of the way, and I think these letters have a great balance between necessary exposition and working it into the story. It is to his benefit that Haley is the one that approached him, so he is answering her questions.
Haley is not a bad character, but she also is not as entertaining. I think my issues with her boil down to her age and naivety. She is 18 but kind of acts younger - I would've thought 15/16, but that might just be because every 13 y/o on this site is fighting apocalypses and crime lords XD. She clearly has her own secrets, and the little hints at her backstory show a dark past that I am sure will be mined to great detail eventually. I guess I am just a bit peeved at it being constantly hinted at but information is only drip fed, and her personality makes it a tad more aggrieving than it could be if she was perhaps craftier with how she writes. It is not to doubt your ability - her letters are clearly written in a particular style and voice, and it is utterly believable. It is just to the story's detriment how believable it is. I did however like her analysis of her Pokemon in the first letter and how they got their nicknames/the defence of Seybs name - it was very sweet and the most relatable and warming part of her story. Her capture of the Noibat was an entertaining read and a nice little contrast to the grim prison setting that came later. My biggest advice around her would be to get the balance between exposition/hints at the past and her travelogue right. She seems to dump things into segments (past, current), when it could be more interesting to have her thoughts more erratic and move between the present and the past when relevant, if that makes sense.
My main gripe at the moment is that I don't really know why they are talking to each other. I believe there is more to it, and apologies if things are clarified in later chapters, but by the end of the sixth I am not sure the attraction. Haley clearly wants and needs an outlet for her thoughts, and Markus clearly needs company, but both are potentially hiding their true intentions and it is a bit bothersome wondering why they are - but hey, I guess it means I'll keep reading
Two smaller things. One, the little blocks of description in Haley's letter, such as of Anistar in her first one, are fine but I feel don't add much asides from the world building. I don't quite get why she is telling him all about Kalos' past and that, and some of the description can feel a bit stilted opposed to the thought chains. Secondly, I noticed both characters, mostly in the first four, had a habit of stating things kind of directly about their personality. I think it works for Haley, and Markus pointing it out was a nice touch, but he does it himself. Warning he could embellish things in the second letter felt unnecessary, and really has only been directly referenced with the story of his birth. I think I'd rather guess if he was an unreliable narrator or not. And in the fourth chapter, him saying "...Did I steal them? Did I bribe or threaten Professor Sycamore?" again felt unnecessary, and I think if he was going for vague or mysterious or threatening, saying that Sycamore didn't report him would have been enough.
Overall, I liked it and I look forward to reading more. Most of my gripes are minor and likely just personal issues, and some of them (namely Haley's personality) highlight how much thought you've put into writing such clear and distinct characters. but if you want to discuss Haley with me some more, I'd happily do so. Keep up the good work, and I hope to binge the other letters soon!