TEEN: Guardian Angel From Hell (Discontinued)

[Blaine.]

Hello Writers' Workshop, this is a story that I have had in mind for a decent amount of time, and I figured to share it. Welcome to Guardian Angel From Hell, an adventure story. This story stars the main character, Blaine (Me) and his trusty partner Houndour.

Short Bio: Blaine and Houndour had been pals for the past 7 years before he was able to collect a starter, a PokeDex, and go on an adventure. However, he convinced the Professor to allow him to head out into the world with Houndour.

Warning: Teen
Violence is a common trait in this, including certain characters dying, and a child almost dying. Nothing too horribly graphic, however, it is known and seen in a more mild manner. Language will also be common, however less common than violence.

Exposition:

7 Years Ago​

"Alright, which one of you ratted him out?" A bulky, muscular man stood in front of 7 young men, who looked like street thugs. They were all wrapped up in vines from a Carnivine, and a Garchomp was sharpening up its claws.

One thug was quick to speak, letting out a frail "IT WASN"T ME BOSS" before being sliced open from a Dragon Claw.

"The squeakers always speak first. Now, who did it?"

SILENCE

"Ok, Garchomp, take out the next one." And Garchomp sliced another one.

"I KNOW WHO DID IT! IT WAS MALCOLM, HE RATT-" And another slice.

"Now, you four, promise to pledge your full loyalty?" The four thugs nodded shakingly.

A kid was busy looking around the forest, playing with pokemon, before he followed an Arcanine up a slope. Naive as he was, he didn't notice the massacre, shouting and running around. It was then, the muscular man heard and sent Garchomp after him. The kid didn't expect the blow and was charged with a dragon rage. He tried to move, and succeeded for the most part, but was still hit. He rolled down the hill almost limp, as he rolled into a bush.

It hadn't even been 20 seconds before Garchomp came down again, and went looking for the kid. A Houndour walked around, and smelt the scent of blood, so he went to check, and it was a human. He had recognized that kid, he came down regularly, and thus, managed to drag him onto his back and run. Houndour was careful along with speedy, running away from Garchomp, balancing the kid on his back. Once into town, he ran to a door, while Garchomp, ran off to avoid capture. Once at the door, Houndour began to yelp loudly, attracting the attention of the homeowners, who opened up, and with a distraught voice, said "BLAINE"

Blaine was picked up, and before the door was shut, Houndour barged in, begging to stay with him. The homeowners agreed because they needed to hurry, and they rushed in.

Exposition Over​

 

[Blaine.]

Chapter 1: Beginning of a Stronger Bond
7 Years Later
​

"Ok Blaine, you will do great. Do you know how many students are scouted by Professor Acacia?"

"Yeah Mom, not many."

"Don't treat this like it's casual, he saw something in you. You know, my dad was scouted by Professor Pine. You have to have an amazing bond with your Pokemon."

"Yeah, and I and Houndour have the best connection of any pair" Then Houndour jumped on the lap of the 10-year-old Blaine and licked his face

"Well, you should get going to Malbreeze Town. The ceremony is starting in 30 minutes."

After receiving a hug and kiss, Blaine went up to his room to get his bag set up. Inside, he placed Houndours Pokeball, 3 Notebooks, an X-Transceiver, and 5 Potions. After doing so, he walked out the door. Once outside, he looked towards the route that leads to Malbreeze Town. This would be his third time alone, only doing it before because of his parent's former sickness. He moved closer, cries of Pokemon becoming more audible, and he pulled Houndours Pokeball out. With a fierce throw, the ball hit the floor, and a Houndour popped out, with flames coming from the sides.

"Ok, finally, we get to walk. Tread easy." Houndour moved to the beat of Blaine's steps, navigating throughout the route. The managed to avoid any trouble, and they arrived in Malbreeze town. The rural area was decorated with banners, confetti, signs, and colors all around. The Trainer School was getting more and more crowded every second. Blaine had a big goofy smile on his face, walking with Houndour around the back to get inside the stage.

"In 5 minutes, the annual graduation will happen, for the 57th class. Not to mention certain younger classmen will start their journey early" He looked quickly around for a poster, and found one with a schedule

Annual Graduation Trainer School:​

1:00 Introduction
1:30 Alumni Speeches
2:00 Professor Acacia announces the scouts
2:30 Seniors Battle Tournament
4:00 57th Class Graduation
6:00 Gym Leaders Announce Opportunities
6:30 Show Ends
6:30-9:00 Autographs and Extra Questions

Blaine then heard a familiar voice. Mr. Morrey. The principle of the Trainer School. That was the hint that the show was starting, so he made his way to his seat around the front row, and eagerly awaited 2:00

Chapter 1 Complete
​

___

TLDR: Blaine is a scout of Professor Acacia for a journey. He makes his way to Malbreeze Town and awaits 2:00

 

[Blaine.]

Chapter 2: Fresh New Air
Enter 1:55​

"And that is why I am proud I spent my full 12 years here. If I didn't, Salamence and I wouldn't be friends and I wouldn't be here as your champion." Blaine had glimmering eyes towards Champion Flora. This would be her 5th year since defeating the league and regaining a new glory for the region.

"And it is my honor to announce to the stage, Professor Noel Acacia!" Uproars of claps and cheers were summoned as the Professor stepped onto the stage. W

10 minutes of cheering and introductions led to the very moment of Blaine's start. He could officially be a trainer. Just a word away.

"And now, the purpose of this very segment. Many prestigious trainers were scouted for this opportunity in the past, and now, we have 2 names here I want to introduce to this very luxurious list. So, will a Blaine Mitchell and Xavier Hownswithed please come on stage?" He had been waiting for this moment, his rise to stardom, and he eagerly walked up to the stage tripping a bit. Trying his best to stand straight beside the professor, he looked around, but didn't see this so-called "Xavier." But, that's how Xavier made it on stage. He had black hair, a mohawk, and looked like a street thug. Nobody seemed to boo him like the TV shows, so Blaine thought that was normal fashion.

"These two trainers excelled inside their classes when it came to battling, analyzing, and strategizing. I wish the best for these two. And to commence a memorable occasion within them, I will bestow a Pokedex to each one of them." The Professor gave each of them a PokeDex with a stamp on it saying, scout. Behind the word, you could see the design of a Salamence and an electric current. Some sort of symbolism, but nobody understood it.

"Now then, since they are officially trainers now, this would be their last required appearance here. Xavier and Blaine, I wish you two the best of luck for the future, and you may return at any time you wish." Professor Acacia handed the two males six Pokeballs and recorded himself in the X-Transceiver of Blaine. "Now, give a round of applause for these young men!" The place erupted with cheer, and the two males had mixed emotions. Blaine seemed to be happy about the praise, but Xavier looked unphased and didn't seem to care. And during the applause and cheer, they both left outside. Once outside, Blaine planned on heading back, before hearing a voice.

"Battle me."

"Hmm?"

"You heard me clear, battle me"

Xavier's voice was stern, and he looked battle-hungry. He had a dusk ball in his hand, and he threw it. The force of the throw made a dusky sort of material come from the ball, and when it hit the floor, it felt like it was gonna crack, but instead, a red glow came out. It went in front of the ball and shaped into a pokemon.

"STAR!" Out appeared a Starly, who began to fly around.

To signal a response, Blaine pulled out a Pokeball and threw it. When it was in mid-air, a red flair appeared and out came Houndour.

The battle began, with Starly charging for Houndour with a Wing Attack. The attack missed as Houndour ducked under and used Howl. Since he was boosted up, he lept at the tiny bird with a Flame Charge. Since it connected, the dog was now faster as well and went for a Bite. Starly took advantage of the state and Wing Attack'd him in the jaw. Houndour was struck off balance before a tackle knocked it over. It went for one last wing attack before getting its wing stuck in Houndour's jaw. Blaine had called out for a flame charge, which did extra damage to Starly, and the starling went flying. It had hit the ground finally and looked to be unconscious. Xavier grunted a bit, and returned the Starly, walking off without a word.

"Good job Houndour, our first battle as trainers, won."

Chapter 2 Complete
​

___

Tl;dr: Blaine and a new "friend" Xavier graduate as scouts, and Blaine and Xavier battle, with Blaine winning.

I procrastinated hard, but I figure this is better than my last

 

[Beth Pavell]

I'm going to preface this with saying everything I say here, is in the spirit of being helpful, and it's not meant to demoralise you or put you off. Making a start with the ... well, you don't give it a name, but label it as exposition. It functions as a prologue, though, so I'm going to call it that. As a rule of thumb, don't label parts of your story with their function. The ideal is for exposition to be invisible, i.e: the reader won't think "Ah, this is the exposition" as they read. At best, pointing it out doesn't help you, and at worst it could be distracting.

Your prose generally isn't bad. I think the main problem is that you've rushed in places and made simple, but easily correctable mistakes. I'm going to pick out a few issues here:

7 young men

Strictly speaking this is correct. Generally numbers are written out in prose, at least when they're under three digits. It's really a matter of style rather than grammar, but worth bearing in mind that writing numbers with numerals tends to look amateurish.

He tried to move, and succeeded for the most part, but was still hit

It's not clear what this means. Was he trying to dodge? Run away? Struggle? What does it mean that he mostly succeeded?

He had recognized that kid, he came down regularly, and thus, managed to drag him onto his back and run.

Likewise, this sentence is muddled. You change tense ('He had recognised' ought to be 'He recognised'). The two halves of the sentence have nothing to do with each other. 'Thus' means 'therefore', or 'as a result of' - the fact that Houndour recognises the kid has nothing to do with being successful in running away with him. The issue is solved easily enough by splitting the sentence in two.

Using commas well can be a lot trickier than it looks. Right now I would say to be careful not to use them to fit too much information into a sentence. Commas should join clauses together logically, like so:

Red blacked out, because he couldn't stand losing.

Red not being able to stand losing explains and adds information to him losing. Try to avoid simply chaining clauses together, in what we call a comma splice:

Red blacked out because he couldn't stand losing, so did everyone else.

The art is that sometimes comma splices can be used very clearly to a specific effect. Suppose we want to introduce Red in an abrupt and comical way:

Red, who apparently never changed his clothes, blacked out.

Clearly never changing clothes has nothing to to with blacking out. That's partly what gives it an amusing effect. The reason why we can get away with it is that the sentence is nevertheless arranged logically without too much information jammed in there/