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Guess that reference!

Team Fortress 2 - Expiration Date, said by The Soldier (R.I.P Rick May)

"In those days, you couldn't just snap into a Slim Jim, that's a modern luxury we take for granted. Back then, the slogan was:
'Gnaw on a Slim Jim for minutes on end, grinding it between your molars while the gallons of salt turns your mouth into a desert, until the mangled hunk of flesh in your mouth is JUST soft enough to be shoved down your GREASY FUCKING PIRATE THROAT without tearing a hole!'."
 
I think that's one of the Marvel movies? My brain is telling me that Captain America said it but I can't remember when.

"Oh wow! I finally get to see- Why is it so cold?! No, this is unreasonable. I've seen enough, we can go home."
 
No idea.

Character 1: "Crashing the mobile house into artillery!? How long have you been in the force!?
Character 2: "40 seconds."
Character 1: "I don't want any excuses!"
Character 2: "44 seconds."
 
sounds like something that would come from a comedic documentary channel or just a G-Mod Skit, other than that, I don't know.

1: "Oh, Eisenhower!"
2: "Yo, what's up?"
1: "This Jacobo guy, he's- he's making us pay Minimum Wages!"
2: "...Well that doesn't sound very good for business"
1: "That's not all, he's also taking our unused land and giving it back to the people! ...Does that sounds familiar?"
2: "...Oh dear, you don't think-"
1: "By the way it's looking, Dwight, I think he's a: Dirty,"
2: "Oh, god."
1: "Collectivizing,"
2: "
No..."
1: "Commie."
2: "COMMIE! COMMIE!"
1: "Yeah, go get him boy."
2: "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
*Audible gunshots in the background*
1: "...Holy shit, you actually did it."
2: "WORLDSTAR!"
 
I believe that's the... Red team? I think? In Red vs Blue arguing about what to call the Warthog.
Ah shit I got ninja'd and I don't know this one

"Top 30 Reasons [Name] is Sorry, Number 5 Will Surprise You."
"Top 30 Anime Deaths! Number 1: Your fucking ass, right now!
 
Snapcube's Sonic Riders Dub.
I really like their content and have made multiple references to their other videos but It's a shame that all they're known for is their Fan Dubs
oh well

"Why are we all in the scary-looking cornfield, alone, in the dark, in the misty-"
"Well, we are not alone, [name], we have Chickens! Provided by:"
*Guy wearing a chicken costume enters the scene and immediately gets killed by a monster*
*Laughter ensues before the monster targets the 2 bystanders*
*insert screaming*
 
Hard to tell...

"What? Hax?"
"You totally hacked that card!"
"The frick makes you say that?"
"Well, how else would unlock Moltres when you're not even in the Kanto Region?"
...
"You realize, of course, that you deserve to die for that joke alone..."
"Totally worth it!"
 
The Simpsons

"A withering, rotting forest that the light can't reach... Those youkai must really be made of tough stuff, running rampant even in a place like this. ...I bet they reek."
"If it reeks, leave it to us!"
"Huh?"
"If horrible stenches are giving you trouble, I recommend our credit firm!"
"What do horrible stenches even have to do with a credit firm?"
"It's a firm with a rather fishy smell, you see."
"That coming from an employee."
"I'm just kidding, of course. Anyway, do you have any financial problems!?"
"Nope."
"If you do! Our firm! Offers! A service! With a monthly interest rate! Of 2000 percent!!"
"If I'm supposed to smack you with a paper fan and call you an idiot, I really don't know when would be best here."
"I've got a quota I have to meet at any cost!"
"I don't really give much of a hoo-hah about your issues."
 
Don't know, but probably something like Futurama

"God made man, but He used the monkey to do it
Apes is the plan, we're all here to prove it
I can walk like an ape, talk like an ape, do what monkeys do
God made man, but a monkey supplied the glue."
 
Homestar Runner.

“When Queen Elizabeth died, James 1 took over. He was Scottish and dead into witches, which Shakespeare put straight into Macbeth. Like an ass kisser.
Macbeth is a tale of paranoia and king-murder set in Scotland, probably for tax reasons. It’s about a man called ‘Macbeth’ who’s so famous he’s only got one name, like ‘Brangelina’. Macbeth also has a female sidekick called ‘Lady Macbeth’, who was very much the ‘Ms. Pac-Man’ to Macbeth’s ‘Pac-Man’.”
 
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Sounds like something from History Simplified

"Officer! What in the rhyme of the ancient fuck is that!?"
"It appears to be a large wave, sir."
"Jeezus Christ, they have those now?!"
 
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