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- #1
"in my head, there's an island; on that island, there's me."
hi, everyone. my name is felix, likely known to you as guzmania. most of the suffering in my life was a result of an unwillingness to let the past go, whether i clung to it or tried to outrun it.
today, i'm in my garden of daffodils. i looked what i hated in the eye and released it.
my shell will go where the wind carries it.
a butterfly does not concern itself with that.
this isn't a re-debut or a do-over in the truest sense. this is simply a blog pioneered by someone unfettered and unburdened.
sometimes, the garden gets personal. it's okay, because everyone here is strong. and sometimes it's light-hearted, too. there's not just one thing, because life doesn't have just one thing and a garden without variety is a bit less fun to raise. you can speak freely, engage, ask anything you'd like. this humble flower patch is meant to be shared. the gardener only asks that you remain respectful. no flower deserves to be trampled.
now, where were we?
the sky is boring today.
i'm writing this from indiana. (those very close to me may know why; maybe not.) everything here is very grey, perhaps more so than usual. yet the temperature is crawling upward, and in a few hours it's supposed to reach 70 degrees fahrenheit. i find it an uncomfortable notion, considering it's only the 4th of march and logic dictates that it should be much, much colder, but my SAD appreciates the aberrational warmth, even if the rest of my body doesn't.
i think... brains are very odd like that, aren't they? as is the rest of the human body. or maybe biology in general. all it takes is a single chemical imbalance beyond anyone's control to cause all sorts of problems. and it happens all the time.
did you know that pure water physically cannot exist? water, by the simple act of existing, will always contain impurities. it can never properly follow its own formula.
similarly, i think nothing in life can ever truly go the way you want them to. flaws exist in everything, even things you think are perfect. coming to terms with that can be so hard; it was for me, at least, especially as a person on the spectrum raised to be a perfectionist.
but here i am, now less than a year away from being an adult (at least legally), working hard to come to terms with the blemishes and imperfections in her life. and it can be hard, and sometimes scary, but the people who are most scared are the bravest ones because they have more capacity to overcome their fears.
i've been telling myself that a lot lately.
well, anyway.
today is my nephew's birthday. historically, people have been suprised to learn that i am an aunt in the first place judging from my age, but he is, in fact, the third and youngest of my siblings' children. he was born a year ago today... and what a story his birth was! my heavily pregnant sister had only just arrived home from her workplace after 40 minutes of driving through a snowstorm (one so intense our father of all people had called off his work) when her water broke, which meant that he ended up having to brave the storm anyway... and my sister for the second time (her husband drove).
inside the following inline spoiler is the story of how my nephew was actually born and what happened next. obviously he's alive, but the situation includes themes of death, so please don't click if you don't want to see it. prior to the day of her labor, my sister's various doctors always said that she had a near-perfect pregnancy. no morning sickness, minimal physical strain on her body, and the baby was growing at a perfectly normal pace, completely healthy. thus we all made the very stupid mistake of assuming she was going to have the perfect childbirth as well, even though this was her first child (our two nieces are the daughters of our older sister).
she did not have a perfect childbirth. in fact, she had a terrible childbirth. they made her push for nearly 12 hours. they tried to induce her but didn't do it properly and they forgot to give her the epidural. when the shift of the workers there ended, a new team came in, who immediately prepped her for a c-section. when they took the baby out, he wasn't breathing and he had no heartbeat. they resuscitated him after roughly ten minutes and did not tell my sister what happened until afterward. her husband was there the whole time, and i'm quite sure he'll never forget that time.
he was in the nicu for around a week, as he still initially had issues breathing without a ventilator. he did come around, though, and he came home.
he's a very healthy, happy baby. in that year, he's recovered and then some: he's approaching 30 pounds and is in the 97th percentile of height for his age group. neither his physical nor cognitive development have seemingly been stunted at all, and i'm so, so grateful for that. if it did, we would love him all the same, but it's good knowing that his quality of life won't suffer.
to get back to the happy stuff, there's a very funny coincidence in my family -- my cousin was born march 1, i was born march 2, another one of my cousins was born march 3, and my nephew was born march 4. whether or not this chain will continue remains to be seen... (though it's true i have a good friend born on march 5...)
frankly, i don't really like thinking about birthdays (at least not my own), because the idea of being an age and then suddenly not being an age... or rather, how such milestones, things so important, just suddenly happen, and you can't even describe why or when, at least not properly. i'm not averse to every change in the world, but these kinds of sudden, big ones are stressful, and it's only going to get worse, i suspect.
OKAY BACK TO THE HAPPY STUFF. minus the unfortunate implications, this weather really is gorgeous. yes, i know, it's a "small-talk" kind of topic, but it's true. the clouds have only parted a smidge, but the temperature is distinctly springlike.
i love spring, because it reminds me of new beginnings.
with this, i suppose i'll bid you adieu. i'd rather not overload this garden's inaugural post, and i've perhaps taken too much time anyway. i do not have a set schedule for when this will be updated; i would like to say weekly or biweekly, but in reality, i'll simply be posting whenever the whims of fate guide me here... regardless of how often or rarely that is.
nonetheless, i'll see you around. <3
hi, everyone. my name is felix, likely known to you as guzmania. most of the suffering in my life was a result of an unwillingness to let the past go, whether i clung to it or tried to outrun it.
today, i'm in my garden of daffodils. i looked what i hated in the eye and released it.
my shell will go where the wind carries it.
a butterfly does not concern itself with that.
this isn't a re-debut or a do-over in the truest sense. this is simply a blog pioneered by someone unfettered and unburdened.
sometimes, the garden gets personal. it's okay, because everyone here is strong. and sometimes it's light-hearted, too. there's not just one thing, because life doesn't have just one thing and a garden without variety is a bit less fun to raise. you can speak freely, engage, ask anything you'd like. this humble flower patch is meant to be shared. the gardener only asks that you remain respectful. no flower deserves to be trampled.
now, where were we?
the sky is boring today.
i'm writing this from indiana. (those very close to me may know why; maybe not.) everything here is very grey, perhaps more so than usual. yet the temperature is crawling upward, and in a few hours it's supposed to reach 70 degrees fahrenheit. i find it an uncomfortable notion, considering it's only the 4th of march and logic dictates that it should be much, much colder, but my SAD appreciates the aberrational warmth, even if the rest of my body doesn't.
i think... brains are very odd like that, aren't they? as is the rest of the human body. or maybe biology in general. all it takes is a single chemical imbalance beyond anyone's control to cause all sorts of problems. and it happens all the time.
did you know that pure water physically cannot exist? water, by the simple act of existing, will always contain impurities. it can never properly follow its own formula.
similarly, i think nothing in life can ever truly go the way you want them to. flaws exist in everything, even things you think are perfect. coming to terms with that can be so hard; it was for me, at least, especially as a person on the spectrum raised to be a perfectionist.
but here i am, now less than a year away from being an adult (at least legally), working hard to come to terms with the blemishes and imperfections in her life. and it can be hard, and sometimes scary, but the people who are most scared are the bravest ones because they have more capacity to overcome their fears.
i've been telling myself that a lot lately.
well, anyway.
today is my nephew's birthday. historically, people have been suprised to learn that i am an aunt in the first place judging from my age, but he is, in fact, the third and youngest of my siblings' children. he was born a year ago today... and what a story his birth was! my heavily pregnant sister had only just arrived home from her workplace after 40 minutes of driving through a snowstorm (one so intense our father of all people had called off his work) when her water broke, which meant that he ended up having to brave the storm anyway... and my sister for the second time (her husband drove).
inside the following inline spoiler is the story of how my nephew was actually born and what happened next. obviously he's alive, but the situation includes themes of death, so please don't click if you don't want to see it. prior to the day of her labor, my sister's various doctors always said that she had a near-perfect pregnancy. no morning sickness, minimal physical strain on her body, and the baby was growing at a perfectly normal pace, completely healthy. thus we all made the very stupid mistake of assuming she was going to have the perfect childbirth as well, even though this was her first child (our two nieces are the daughters of our older sister).
she did not have a perfect childbirth. in fact, she had a terrible childbirth. they made her push for nearly 12 hours. they tried to induce her but didn't do it properly and they forgot to give her the epidural. when the shift of the workers there ended, a new team came in, who immediately prepped her for a c-section. when they took the baby out, he wasn't breathing and he had no heartbeat. they resuscitated him after roughly ten minutes and did not tell my sister what happened until afterward. her husband was there the whole time, and i'm quite sure he'll never forget that time.
he was in the nicu for around a week, as he still initially had issues breathing without a ventilator. he did come around, though, and he came home.
he's a very healthy, happy baby. in that year, he's recovered and then some: he's approaching 30 pounds and is in the 97th percentile of height for his age group. neither his physical nor cognitive development have seemingly been stunted at all, and i'm so, so grateful for that. if it did, we would love him all the same, but it's good knowing that his quality of life won't suffer.
to get back to the happy stuff, there's a very funny coincidence in my family -- my cousin was born march 1, i was born march 2, another one of my cousins was born march 3, and my nephew was born march 4. whether or not this chain will continue remains to be seen... (though it's true i have a good friend born on march 5...)
frankly, i don't really like thinking about birthdays (at least not my own), because the idea of being an age and then suddenly not being an age... or rather, how such milestones, things so important, just suddenly happen, and you can't even describe why or when, at least not properly. i'm not averse to every change in the world, but these kinds of sudden, big ones are stressful, and it's only going to get worse, i suspect.
OKAY BACK TO THE HAPPY STUFF. minus the unfortunate implications, this weather really is gorgeous. yes, i know, it's a "small-talk" kind of topic, but it's true. the clouds have only parted a smidge, but the temperature is distinctly springlike.
i love spring, because it reminds me of new beginnings.
with this, i suppose i'll bid you adieu. i'd rather not overload this garden's inaugural post, and i've perhaps taken too much time anyway. i do not have a set schedule for when this will be updated; i would like to say weekly or biweekly, but in reality, i'll simply be posting whenever the whims of fate guide me here... regardless of how often or rarely that is.
nonetheless, i'll see you around. <3
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