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HA! Don't make me laugh! - Humor Thread

Roses are red...

Violets are red...

Tulips are red...

Bushes are red...

Trees are red...



























Oh god my gardens on fire!
 
The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you're a cyclist.

I've just invented a new word:

"Plagiarism"
 
A man walked into a bar. He later died in a tragic drunk driving accident. Anti jokes FTW.
 
Two ducks are casually chatting in the pond about the bread that was swimming closer and closer to their beaks. The first duck was telling the second about the dangers of feeling ducks bread, it could lead to malnutrition, he said.

The second duck had such a shocked expression on his face. "Holy shit a talking duck!"
 
veni, vidi, veni

I came, I saw, I came

So, I was really Hungary so I went Russian to the fridge to see what there was to eat. I found some Turkey but it was covered in a thick layer of Greece and I was like, "eww... there is Norway I'm going to eat that...".

I suppose that after that experience, your appetite was Finnish'd. Maybe some Chile powder could've helped the flavor, at least.

...Actuallly, no. I'm sorry, I'm sure you Haiti me for these terrible puns. Still, they're fun to Czech out while they last, right?
 
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My Liverpudlian mate's just started working at the local abattoir, stunning the animals.

They've never seen a Scouser with a job.

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
 
Student: Hey teacher, you shouldn't gamble at all. Its very bad, especially in Africa.
Teacher: Why Africa?
Student: Because there's too many Cheetas!
Teacher: Hahaha... Would you like to hear a funnier joke?
Student: Sure!
Teacher: YOUR GRADES!
 
[video=youtube;RUA6K-XB84k]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUA6K-XB84k[/video]
 
Math Teacher: Wow its bin so long since I've seen you!
Student: Ayyyyyeeee, she remembers us!
Math Teacher: So what have you bin doing now a days?
Student: Not using ALGEBRA B***!
 
Math Teacher: Wow its bin so long since I've seen you!
Student: Ayyyyyeeee, she remembers us!
Math Teacher: So what have you bin doing now a days?
Student: Not using Calculus***!

Fixed that for ya. *Loathingly thinks of Test yesterday.*
 
Sasha: You know, I don't have ugly friends.
Amanda: Ah, so you are telling me I'm beautiful?

Sasha: Who said that we're friends?
 
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Two drunks walk into a train station.
"Hey, you want to disguise ourselves as luggage? Could be a laugh."
"Whoah mate, I know we're drunk, but let's not get carried away here."
 
[video=youtube;gBiOp4AnT5A]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBiOp4AnT5A&index=20&list=PLD10BF871B67D2B5C[/video]
 
[video=youtube;Ggah4keHKLo]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggah4keHKLo[/video]
 
Please note: The thread is from 9 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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