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TEEN: Heart Swap

It's been a while
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Okay, so I've been a long time lurker here in the writers's workshop. I had been planning out this awesome saga for a really, and I mean REALLY long time. And finally I decided that I'm just going to write something new instead... sorry.

The only thing I came up with for this story is the premise, which isn't all that original, but I want to try something new and I don't want to overthink it too much, because that was my whole problem with my first story, I basically thought it to death.

It's different this time though. This time I'm just going to write. If I get an idea I'm going to write, if i don't I'm going to write. Either way I'm going to write, so I'm sorry if this thing ends up being super lame, but I want to stop overthinking too much and just do it. I'm not even going to trouble myself with a great title, I'm just going to get to the point.

So here it is, enjoy!

Heart Swap
Table of Contents
  • Chapter I - Saber and Max
  • Chapter II - Dom and Sand
Chapter I - Saber and Max
"Staraptor use brave bird!" A young trainer cried, his fist clenched as the great hawk before him ascended, raising the dust around it.

His opponent stood there, tapping his foot with frustration. He put his hand on his stomach as he looked to his partner on the field. He swallowed the saliva building up in his mouth. "Saber, can you get this over with man, I'm starving. We've been battling all day."

"We?" The gallant warrior stood there motionless, awaiting the coming onslaught. "Last I remember, I was doing all the battling, while you just stand there behind me whining." His green helmet full of dents and scratches. He sharpened one arm with the other as he prepared for battle.

"I wanted to take a break hours ago, but all you want to do is fight."

Saber sighed as the bird began descending, letting out a deafening screech. "Fine Max, just give me a second."

Max calmed down. He looked over to the trainer on the other side of the field. Poor guy, he looks so confident. He thought, with a remorseful gaze.

The Staraptor was at terminal velocity. It extended its wings to prepare for impact.

"Now Staraptor, end this!"

Max shrugged. Protect, he's gonna use protect.

The green warrior crossed his blades as a force-field nullified the attack.

"Coward!" the trainer growled.

The Staraptor echoed its trainer rage with a loud cry. The two failed to notice the warrior already preparing his counterattack. On one blade icicles began to form, while the other blade began to let out sparks of electricity.

Max let out an audible sigh.

The trainer scowled, glaring at Max.

"You should be paying more attention to your partner here," said Saber.

"Staraptor, Brave Bird," he commanded. "You won't be able to protect this time." It would be too late when he noticed Saber's arms.

Saber jumped to the birds level, twisting his waist. The bird, preparing to ascend, was grounded by the extended blade of ice. It cringed, its wings retracting. Saber placed one leg firmly on the ground in front of the bird, and with the momentum of the fall and the weight of his entire body he struck down with a fist full of electricity. He could feel the shock coursing though him and into the bird. The flickering sparks were reflected in his crimson eyes.

Show off. Thought Max.

Saber stood upright. Victory showing in his posture.

The trainer was almost as shocked as his pokemon. He took out a pokeball. "Staraptor, return."

*****

Sitting at a table at the Pokeball Conference that Max had been planning on going to all day, the two looked content. One with a polished helmet and sharpened blades, the other with a full stomach.

"I hope your happy. The entire day was spent battling." Max said looking at Saber with annoyed green eyes, his hands behind his head.

"What are you complaining about, all you had to do was watch."

"I have more important things to do you know."

Saber rolled his eyes.

"You think the only important thing in life is fighting?" Max raised his voice.

People were too busy and the place was already bustling and loud, but Max still composed himself, took a deep breath and moved his long brown hair to the side.

"Uh, yeah."

"Why do I even bother? Listen Saber, I know already told you-"

"Yeah, yeah-" he interrupted.

"Just listen." Max took another deep breath. "Tomorrow morning, I have a very important meeting with a famous investor. And I really want it to go well."

"Calm your pants, I've had my fill of battling. I'll just chill and hang with you while you do your boring pokeball stuff."

"I'd let you battle whenever you wanted if you stayed in a pokeball."

"Don't even joke about that."

The conference was held in the Pokétch Company in Jubilife City. Representatives from Kanto's Silph co and Hoenn's Devon Corp were all present. The annual Pokeball conference usually took place in one of these three companies. Once every ten years however, it was held in Johto in Azalea Town. Max had been following the conference for the past nine years. The first time he went to one was in Johto, and he had been hooked on pokeball technology ever since. His dream was to start his own pokeball development startup. And he had been working for it ever since that fateful day.

The place was packed. People from all around the world were there to see all the emerging pokeball tech. Most people gathered around the big companies, to see all the new updates. Max wasn't interesting in that though, he wanted to see what the innovators had to offer, that is, all the unknown startups.

He walked up to one booth that seemed to be a little popular. "The Weak Ball." Max read.

"Yup," the young man behind the booth said with a welcoming smile. "the capture rate is increased if the pokemon is weak against one of your pokemon's attacks."

Max grinned. "Reminds me of the ability anticipation."

The young man beamed with excitement. "Exactly! That's where we got our inspiration."

"So, how does the pokeball receive the necessary data?"

The young man was silent, but still smiling.

"Do you use the pokedex as input?" Max suggested.

"Yes!" he said quickly.

Max shook his head. "But don't you think that's a little inefficient for a small data sample? Not to mention the possibility of false positive input."

This left the young man with a confused smile. He laughed sheepishly.

This guy obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. Max thought. The idea is just not yet ready in this tech landscape, and he doesn't seem to have any real solution. Max gave the young man a smile. "Thanks for your time. I think your idea's great, but you should try to put some more effort into the implementation."

Saber wasn't the only pokemon hanging out. Every booth had a mascot or two. The next booth Max headed towards had a Bisharp standing like a royal guard.

"Hi there," Max greeted, reading the name-tag. "Alex."

"Welcome," said the young woman behind the booth, reaching out to shake his hand.

"I'm Max," he said as he shook her hand.

"And what brings you to the pokeball conference Max?" she asked. "Business or pleasure."

That's nice. For once some good customer service. Max thought. "A little bit of both I guess."

"Alright. Well let me tell you a little bit about my product." She took out a set of pokeballs. Red, yellow, blue, green and pink.

Max recognized the colors immediately. "Contest balls?"

"Wow, you've got a good eye Max. I'm impressed."

"Oh, it's nothing really. I thought about implementing a similar set."

While Max and Alex were taking shop. Saber was trying to get the Bisharp to move. He trying taunting it. Waving his arms in front of its face. Even using a feint. Nothing. Saber was starting to suspect it was just a statue.

"Can I take a look?"

"Sure. Go right ahead Max."

Max picked the red pokeball. It looked and felt like a regular pokeball. The only difference was the bottom half, it was black.

"Sorry about the simplistic design. I haven't had enough time to work on it."

"That's okay. You can fix the design later. What's important is performance."

"Oh, well I haven't done extensive testing yet, mainly because of my budget, but I'm confident about the performance."

"Awesome." Max put the ball back. "Hey, if you want to talk more, I'd love to sit down later and get into the details. Obviously if it's top secret that fine."

"Actually I don't have any problem talking about this more. I'll warn you though, it might get really boring."

"Are you kidding? I live for this stuff."

The two made plans for the next day, and exchanged contact info.

"It was a pleasure Alex."

"The pleasure was all mine Max."

Saber was still attempting to get the Bisharp to move, when the two finished. "Come on Saber," said Max.

"Just gimme a sec, I'm about to make 'em break." The Bisharp's eyes were completely neutral.

"Dominique," Alex called to the Bisharp. "I think we're done for the day. Help me pack up."

"Wait, you're a girl," said Saber, as he was shoved aside by Dominique.

"Saber, hurry up. We have a least an hour left."

The conference lasted three days, and today was the second. Max really wanted to get the most out of it. He was a little anxious about the meeting the next day, but excited about the cool people he had met.

The two lay in bunk-beds that night in the Pokemon Center. Saber on the top bunk, Max on the bottom.

"I really can't wait for next year when it'll be in Johto again," said Max.

"Can't you just enjoy the moment we're in right now."

"I am enjoying it Saber, but I can't help but imagine that next year, I might have my own booth."

"You could've had one this time around if you wanted."

"Yeah, but I want my first to be in Johto."

"Whatever man. Can we go to sleep now?"

End of Chapter One.

Note: It's funny I hadn't even planned which region or even which city I'd start in, I just went straight into it, but I ended up choosing Jubilife city because I was listening to the game soundtrack on a loop while writing. I was just lucky the Pokétch company was located there.
 
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Just Marcat
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I liked the chapter. At a technical level, you're pretty good. That said, I do think it needs some work on it. I admire that you're willing to try and be spontaneous with writing your story, but unfortunately that kind of mindset doesn't translate well into practice and it shows. The chapter didn't really take time to set anything up, nor did it seem to hint at anything greater. It felt kind of...aimless.

The first few chapters are arguably the most important chapters in the entire story. They generate interest, set up the character and plot, build anticipation, etc. If the first few chapters are meandering and don't have a direct purpose, then the result is lost interest and no readers. It's that simple.

I understand you don't want to overthink things, but can't simply not think about it all. You're jumping to two extremes instead of finding a balance. Speaking as someone with experience, simply improvising when writing stories never works. Ever.

At the very least, take the time to think about your story. Think about the overarching plot and/or themes. Think about the tone of the story. Think about your goals and what do you want to accomplish with it. Once you have a clear direction for the story, I think you're chapters will be far better, more coherent and you'll have more readers.

Best of luck!
 
追放されたバカ
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I still like this fanfiction. But it was bad at times. Need to work on punctuation, I think this is the word. It's not good. But it has good parts. Thank you.
 
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