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MATURE: Hunter, Haunted

Off to an unexpected start with the mental health clinic locale. I went back and checked for an indication that this was due, and I don't think it was forecasted at all. Might've been a good thing to have on Red's mind in the previous chapter, or at least have it explicitly be the destination Abe has in mind.

It does kind of stretch the reader's memory. The destination and time are given at the start of the first chapter during Red's chat with Abe, and Red forgets them until the very end of chapter 2 for this "aw shit" moment. It shouldn't be too hard to add a more specific reminder to that point, so I think I'll try to do that.

Something else I thought was odd is that Red talks about this being a "innocent until proven guilty" country, which feels very American. I guess Red's world doesn't give a strong cultural vibe just yet but I know that conviction rates are astonishingly high in Japan, and with a name like Akai I haven't been sure if a Japanese vibe was the right one to pick up on.

My Kanto is... strange. I have/want to write what I know, which results in the region having influences of Nordic and English-speaking countries, myself being from Finland and consuming a lot of American/British media, but I've also wanted Kanto to be ethnically Japanese to mirror the region's actual inspiration.

As things are now, I've kind of written myself into corner, but I'm trying my best to have Kanto as kind of a fantasy region that started off resembling Japan but was heavily influenced by Unova(/Galar?) not too late into their history. Why they would adopt so many things into their culture and leave parts of their own without a full-on conquering doesn't really make sense, but it's still my best way of explaining why the amount of non-Japanese (or in this context, non-Tohjoan) people is so high and why they are so commonplace compared to the very homogenous real life Japan, why Western names are used and why a non-Japanese language is spoken. That last fact doesn't show up here, I think, but in other works taking place in this universe, certain Japanese terms are referred to as "Native". This is meant to imply the language being the original one of the region, but mostly having fallen out of use due to speakers of English-but-not-really just outperforming them, which is the fate of many indigenous languages. (Also yes, this does mean that Red is aware of what his last name means. Going to address this in the sequel when he goes hunting for his real first name.)

However, I still intend on having the majority religion be that Shinto-esque one I talked about in my Religion in Pokémon thread. It would mostly be habitual in this very modern society where many of the natural disasters attributed to gods have been explained by science, but it could still show. It's just that there aren't many spots in which to showcase it in this particular story so I don't know how I'd weave that in. I suppose there's room in there for one or two mentions of a nearby shrine, though. Actually, there was also a part in the first version of HH that mentioned an old couple not wanting people flying with zapdos given they believe they cause storms. to which Red commented that they should go suck off a ninetales

As for "innocent until proven guilty", I'm not super sure why it strikes you as American especially (save for the FREEDOM aspect) when it strikes me as general Western democracy in the same way that a tripartisan system does. The law system is definitely not supposed to be Japanese here, given I barely understand even the Finnish or American ones and so shouldn't try to tread on that territory. There's also the theme of having society be much more fair and understanding that Red's delusional mind thinks. That's where the Nordic health care system instead of the less-than-stellar one of the US comes in as well.

In any case, though, the major takeaway here is that I'm kind of just shit at worldbuilding.

I'm also confused by the "merge" - it's been mentioned before, I think, but I'm still not sure what the mechanics of it are. It seems not to be a delusion but a shift in the universe. Is this something generally accepted, and relevant in this conversation only because it might have been traumatic? It just seems like too big a deal to gloss over.

That would be the intention - which is what I imagine a phenomenon like that would become, kind of like a recently ended war would, though even more prevalent as it had effects as strange as adding new family members. People know lots of lives got really shuffled in a unique way, not to mention this broke some people's entire world views as they didn't believe shifts like this actually existed (since they happen so rarely, proof of earlier events is scarce and scientific study is highly speculative). It feels like something relevant to ask to see if the person has trauma related to that they might have gone through.

This is kind of another one of those "just has to be there" things that annoy people (including myself) about this story universe. It needs to be there to justify Abe's presence which is a bit too deep rooted by now to just remove. I will say, though, that I've managed to come up with a better origin for the hidden room. I just haven't finished the oneshot that introduces this retcon yet so I haven't edited it in.

It's a weird thought to realise that this is a monstrous guy who can't be reformed or redeemed, but he's basically an adolescent idiot who can't use a phone and can barely do chores. Big pathos.

Ding ding ding! The biggest mistake one can make when reading this story is assuming Red is some kind of badass. He's a complete loser once you look at the facts, just one that got access to some very powerful spells.

This chapter was a little unfocused but I did like the increasing anxiety Red develops about his ghost problem and the additional insight into his sad psyche. His turnaround discovery of a possible solution is somewhat abrupt, but as I'm anticipating it to go horribly wrong, I don't mind so much. Looking forward to getting further into this! See you next chapter.

It's definitely true that this chapter's unfocused, and that's due to it actually being two old ones merged together. I do think it's better off as one merge, though, as I've gotten critique of the start of the story being slow. I'd remove some events if I could, but all of them are actually relevant for setting up future events.

Anyway, thanks for the read and review! You're approaching the better part of the story.
 
So hi Cani, so I’m your Secret Santa reviewer for this year. Sorry it took so long to get to it.

Now I’m not really into or follow Twitch Plays Pokémon since its inception back when it was still pretty big but let’s go into it and see what I can point out. I’ll be focusing on Chapter 2, as you requested to stay away from the prologue and Chapter 1.


Smoothly curved bridge of nose, deep-set eyes and everything else. It’s Joanna. That’s Joanna’s face on that golden mask.

Why? How? Of all possible faces, why hers? She wasn’t anyone special. This mask wasn’t coming after me, either. Maybe its face depends on the observer? Something they fear? I don't fear Joanna, though seeing what might be her spirit is unsettling. If it truly is her, then someone else could find the mask, realize what happened, discover my secrets…
I feel like I’ll misunderstand a lot through this to be honest. I’m kinda confused on why he is able to tell it’s this Joanna just based on the nose and eyes. I’m also confused as to why he jumps to fear as the go to emotion fear as his reasoning, I was thinking more hidden regret in this secret.

“Hello?” it asks, the word slightly echoing. Young, feeble… it’s a child’s voice. Of course, explains the height.
Has Red never met a short person in his life or something?


Yeah, that’s nice and all, but who are you, exactly? Why are you in the woods by yourself, and why near a graveyard of all places? Most importantly, who are you helloing to?
I feel this would be obvious giving what he was just thinking to himself about.


“You can turn yourself visible now,” the girl encourages. “Just… imagine your body becoming stone, that's how the others tell me you should do it.”

The girl lets out a brief, excited laugh, her pearly teeth exposed. “This is cool. I’ve never met a real yamask before.”

Now this confuses me. She says this is how you turn visible, but she’s never met a “real” Yamask before, so either she’s relating with other Ghost type Pokémon (which she can communicate with?) or there’s “fake” Yamask around.

“Say, it’s kind of cold out here,” Michi starts, grasping her arms as a means of emphasis. “I know a cabin close by. It’s not the best, but it’s shelter. Do you wanna come?”
I believe an “a” is needed in between it’s and shelter, or the other form of its would work.


So, yamask. I’ll take a wild guess and assume the latter part of the name means that this individual isn’t unique in carrying a mask around. Never heard of this mon, though. Must be from outside the Tohjo area. I hope that girl - Michi - spills some more information for me to overhear… the ghost didn’t know how to solidify, so it’ll likely receive some more briefing.
Oh, I thought this was Kanto cause of your main character being Red, unless this is Kanto renamed?


“So, I didn't bump into you on total accident,” starts Michi further ahead, snapping me out of my speculation. “My friends actually told me they'd seen someone new floating around lately.”

Friends? Are they ghosts too? Will they be a problem?

“Maa, aaa…”

“Oh, that must've been Gabby! She's a gastly. She can be a bit mean and creepy to new people… but she's a good girl once you get to know her.”
Okay, this answers my question from earlier about the Michi and the ghost Pokémon.

A knock and a thump ring out, followed by a startled wail. I stop.
I think “an thump” would fit better here.

Oh, hey, there’s rawstberry growing under these path-framing bushes.
Rawst Berry is actually two words. But it also brings up why you stopped to point this out, this just comes out of place for some reason for me when there’s other ways you could’ve of explain the cold if you really wanted to.

Sky's still colorless, the trees look droopy, some branches dead and wrapped in spiderweb… ugh.
“Some branches are dead.”

“...all the way in Pewter, but I used to live in Viridian. I liked it cause it was closer to this place and
In terms of the rest of the paragraph here, “because” would fit better.

“No you’re not,” she says. “You’ve been following us for a while now.”
If she knew this, why wouldn’t she say anything earlier? If I was being followed I think it would be best to get someone off their trail.

I speed up. “Sorry, but I’m not looking for constructive criticism on my ghostwatching. Now leave me alone. People are gonna get the wrong idea if they see an adult like me with a little girl.”
A space is required for Ghost Watching

I stop and sigh. I glare the girl right in her big, blue eyes. I detect a hint of unease.
Small mistake here, just needs “at” between the bolded.

“Shouldn’t you be at school or something?” I ask.

“Shouldn’t you?”

...I didn’t think that one through.
This is a really good Touche moment.


Okay, I think that’s what most of what I noticed that could bring about interest from me. Generally, it saddens me to say this, I don’t really like your version Red. I understand it’s only Chapter 2, but there’s nothing that would make me actually like him. I do really like Michi however, which will probably bring me back to read more.

Anyways, once again sorry for this taking so long to get to you and hope it’s up to what you wanted and my reviewing style isn't alienating in any way.
 
I feel like I’ll misunderstand a lot through this to be honest. I’m kinda confused on why he is able to tell it’s this Joanna just based on the nose and eyes. I’m also confused as to why he jumps to fear as the go to emotion fear as his reasoning, I was thinking more hidden regret in this secret.

The quote says "Smoothly curved bridge of nose, deep-set eyes and everything else." As that everything else suggests, Red did not recognize Joanna based on only the nose and eyes but her entire face, and it's a face he remembers well.

Red jumps to fear because he assumes fear would be the most sensible emotion for a ghostly being to exploit, given most of them have terrifying appearances and folklore centered around them scaring people. As for regret, Red knows for a fact he doesn't have it.

Now this confuses me. She says this is how you turn visible, but she’s never met a “real” Yamask before, so either she’s relating with other Ghost type Pokémon (which she can communicate with?) or there’s “fake” Yamask around.

She can communicate with Ghost Pokémon like you noticed later on, yes, though I figured Yamask being a Ghost Pokémon and her understanding its speech (while Red can't) would already heavily imply that. "Real yamask" simply refers to a Yamask in the flesh in contrast to pictures, sculptures or say, even illusions of them.

I believe an “a” is needed in between it’s and shelter, or the other form of its would work.

Shelter can be both an countable noun (uses an article) and an uncountable noun (does not use an article). A shelter is a structure that provides shelter as much as a watering hole provides water.

Oh, I thought this was Kanto cause of your main character being Red, unless this is Kanto renamed?

They are indeed in Kanto. Tohjo is just a collective name I've used for Kanto and Johto together due to how connected the two are.

I think “an thump” would fit better here.

I... genuinely can't understand how. "An thump" is not grammatically correct in any context. "An" is only used instead of "a" if the following word's pronunciation begins with a vowel, and "thump" does not begin with a vowel.

Rawst Berry is actually two words. But it also brings up why you stopped to point this out, this just comes out of place for some reason for me when there’s other ways you could’ve of explain the cold if you really wanted to.

The choice to make Rawst Berry into a single uncapitalized word is intentional. It is to emulate the spelling of "strawberry" much like leaving pokemon uncapitalized emulates animal names ("yamask", "dog").

Why this is pointed out is because Red's letting his mind wander in the environment in the moment. The mention of recent cool weather is just a passing remark and isn't intended to establish it currently being cold, which it might not necessarily even be. This flow-of-thought is also why things that seem obvious are sometimes mentioned - Red is processing those facts in his mind. I feel that the inclusion of details in the environment also helps flesh it out in the reader's mind and so provide for better immersion.

In terms of the rest of the paragraph here, “because” would fit better.

I'm not sure if you're referring to the "but" or the "cause", but the "but" makes sense for what was actually cut off ("I live all the way in Saffron, but I used to live in Viridian") and "cause" is simply slang often used in speech.

A space is required for Ghost Watching

Ghost watching is not a real concept in our world and so does not have real grammar to it. However, it can be considered grammatically equivalent to birdwatching, which is a very real word and does not need to have a space.

Small mistake here, just needs “at” between the bolded.

There is no bolding in the quote, but I think I know what you mean, and in that you have a point.

Generally, it saddens me to say this, I don’t really like your version Red

That's alright - he has a history of being a divisive character, but I should explain something:

This character is so far removed from the Canon Red of any official media that I wouldn't consider him even a version of any of them anymore. At the very best, he's a version of the player character in Pokémon Red (aka the Gen I game) who could have any name the player would give him or any personality projected onto him due to being a JRPG blank slate protagonist. The only solid connections to the Canon Red are the same events of the storyline happening to him, meaning a female protagonist in FireRed would have almost the same level of similarity. The fact that this protagonist's name is Red is really only because the original Twitch Plays Pokémon playthrough happened to skip the nicknaming and so, he got the default name of Red. It's confusing and I apologize for the mixup, but I do think that a Red of another subfandom (being TPP here) should not be expected to adhere to a canon game Red any more than the Red in some of the official manga should.

In short, this is not that Red. It's a guy to whom the Kanto games stuff happened and also happens to be named Red.

Honestly speaking, I'm disappointed by this review. Several points could have been solved simply by reading the original text more carefully, and a large part of the grammar advice is incorrect, which could have been prevented by double checking grammar rules online. If this review had spanned multiple chapters or been posted far earlier, it would have been more fair, but this touched on only one chapter (which actually happens to be the shortest chapter of the entire story, being only around 3 000 words) and came two days after the deadline. It also seems that the prologue and first chapter were not even skimmed despite my preference for it, which means this is the least amount of reading one could do and still technically qualify, which feels like stretching of good will.

I understand people can possibly be busy, but the time limit was very generous, and if it turned out you could not put in more effort than this, it may have been wise to drop out of the event as to me, this does not feel equivalent to a review one would expect to receive for themselves.
 
Hallo Canis, here's that other review! More to come in due time, mate.

Time for Chapter Four!

The more I read of this, the more I find that the register and content of the narration matches Red's psychology. There's the fixation on anatomy, yes, but there's also a preoccupation with striving, grandeur, and death. That much is evident in that first paragraph about the sunset. I like to notice this, and I wonder what the same scene would be like as narrated by one of your less unhinged characters.

Speaking of prolonged exposure altering my perception of Red - his comments about his life being so dull triggered a connection to disaffected young men in general, who seek any kind of greater purpose to deal with their feelings of isolation and meaninglessness. I think playing up that sort of framing for him in the first chapters would do the fic some good, although I don't have specific suggestions at this time.

The bit about the pidgey in which the narration is pseudo-second person is very slightly jarring, but I think it's sound grammar and I think it's just me. Anyway, Red's contempt for an urban bird that expects food from humans and is therefore "domesticated" seems like a strong enough character framing moment that you could almost open with it. He's absolutely contemptuous of any kind of dependency, despite being massively dependent on others himself. That's worth playing up, plus his begrudging affection for it is humanising. Anyway, I like that the reason he doesn't slap the poor thing is because it would ruin its anatomy. What a weirdo. As if he could manage that.

Red's narrative he spins for Michi is such creepy, unconvincing bullshit, I struggled to read it. Might just be me, might be the intent, but I was like "fuck'ssakes man you are such a dumbass" the whole time. It was also a little superfluous, since he just goes for "chloroform" anyway.

>sniffs face
"Just kidding, I don't sniff faces."
This fucking guy.

"Maybe dying does something to your wits." Ha.

The degree to which Red comments on things felt unnecessary, even irritating, at first. Then he explains that he never gets to gloat - okay. So, all this conversational stuff is just him twirling his moustache, so to speak. I get that, and it's fair enough, but it also feels like there's an urge on your part for everything he does to make sense, if only to him. It's not a bad thing to try for, but you might want to know that while reading this I was mostly rolling my eyes at Red somewhat rather than going "oh hmm that explains it." My best idea for improving this bit (for my tastes, anyway) is by having him think "wait shit shit i'm rambling i didn't rehearse this" much much earlier and with more feeling than his current self-admonition for babbling.

Incidentally, "Her breathing gets a lot more distressed." — not an elegant sentence. It could be something more like "again she takes rapid, shallow breaths" or "she takes rapid breaths" and maybe something about fight/flight.

“Did you forget the situation you're in? Do you want to see this severed? Because I will make that happen,” I growl, own breathing strengthening as well. I know that I myself would love to see that severed.
“Did you forget where you are? Do you want to see her throat cut?” I growl. I know I want to. I'm breathing faster, too.

“It's just a mask,” I whisper with a worried expression - feigned, naturally.
“It's just a mask,” I whisper, feigning concern with a furrowed brow.

Love that this asshole is so horrified by the idea of having a woman's face as a karmic curse. What a vain little shit, talking about his jawline.

And so we come to the end, in which Red declares to himself that as he has but one life, nobody else should have more. Never mind how good or long a life is. Never mind if he cut it short. Never mind if he might become a god or ghost upon his death. He's just a spitefull little ball of hate.

This chapter did a better job than any previous one of emphasising Red's isolation, fear, and pathos. It also returned to his absolute monstrosity. It's basically impossibly to sympathise with the guy, but I think you're hitting the right notes in making his madness sufficiently comprehensible in emotional terms, at least in this chapter. The prose, again, can be a little excessively detailed, and could be much more concise in places, but it's solid for the most part, especially on a technical level.

Perhaps with future revisions you could bring some of what I picked up on to the fore on the early fic. If so, I'll be glad to have been some help!

I expect I'll leave you another review later in the month, partly as apology for the delay in getting this to you. Cheers!
 
THE CAT IS BACK

Wow, we really have become in tune with each other because upon rereading the chapter for a refreshes before checking the review, I found myself noticing a bunch of the points you'd then brought up. Not sure how so much of this slipped through in the last revision, but I'm definitely hoping the next one will fix them (and that one I will probably start after I'm done with Seiren and rewritten Metanoia).

That overrationalization problem I think probably happened for the same reason the overdescription you pointed out in Viv did. I'd like to think I'm nowadays better at realizing what's obvious and what isn't, having read more stuff and gained more knowledge of readers. I feel like Seiren has also helped me write Red in a more grounded way while still retaining his stupid pretentious morals and outlook on life. Also to avoid purpling stuff when it isn't fitting.

I can see your point in regards to the Michi convo scene, though I feel like just going straight for her would feel pretty anticlimactic? I think my rationalization for him doing this whole charade was to take her down without her screaming and alerting other people or Joanna, but then he kind of shouts about slitting someone's throat to the whole forest later on... hm. Well, at least I feel like this option shows more of Michi and how she isn't just completely helpless (which would really go against Red's compliments to her later on).

Oh, idea: maybe she could have a knife. That would both show her in a more capable light and put some conflict into this step. Though then the question is how Red would still end up drugging her without her needing to go full idiot mode to provide a window.

Speaking of prolonged exposure altering my perception of Red - his comments about his life being so dull triggered a connection to disaffected young men in general, who seek any kind of greater purpose to deal with their feelings of isolation and meaninglessness. I think playing up that sort of framing for him in the first chapters would do the fic some good, although I don't have specific suggestions at this time.

an incel you meant to say he was an incel and you would be right

Thank you for the read and review, I hope you enjoy the next chapter and especially the chapters after that, since I believe that it's when the fic enters its strongest part, and other readers seem to agree. Really looking forward to that review. Thanks!
 
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