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MATURE: Hunter, Haunted

For the romantization of gore being disturbing... well, it's a horror thing. Meant to be disturbing. Character-establishing on how fucked up this guy can be, and also how this god is even worse news. It's really a genre thing.

With Red, it is simply, in my view, a case of two quite conflicting personality traits. You can say it's different sides of a character, but they are two very different traits. You say he's in a funk, but that funk isn't really explained and doesn't bridge the prologue to the rest of the story. If it's meant to be him looking to have a "good time" again, that doesn't come across in him trying to repress his rage and getting angry over shrimp. It reads as him trying to quell this side of his personality/move on, and feels like a different character to the one we get in Chaps 4 and 5. If that's not your intention, then I think you need to spell it out a bit better that he's repressing the rage for that reason and take out some of this angst/anger towards Helix. If he is meant to be in a funk, then his funk needs to be better explained and work in more with the brutalistic ritualistic murdering side of the character. The two are in conflict and don't really work together.

I still just don't really get it. I mean I can see that Red does have a lot going on now that I'm looking at it, but each one really comes back to his core values. He's trying to repress his rage due to the damage it would bring him in the supermarket situation, but when alone, he has no need to repress that so much as he can - and does - take care of all witnesses. He's not meant to come off at all as someone who'd like to stop murdering or being violent because he'd think it was bad. Did it come across as that and if so, where?

His funk is supposed to be a mystery to him, but I mean, when this guy is such a mess, are you surprised his mood isn't that great? Long time stress and internal conflict is great poison for the mind.

Is it necessary to mention? If the story doesn't need an explanation of it, then it doesn't really need to be mentioned. The story could still feature the Fonz and Abe and that and not have to dance around promoting it's a Twitch fic, which it does, at the moment. If that element is necessary, some explanation is needed, because it stands out at the moment. You are the author here, after all, so you can interpret the canon and turn it into whatever you want. At the moment, all this half-talk of a merger just feels tacked on for no real purpose.
That aversion to technology is what I was referring to. It's not explained in these five chapters, unless I accidentally skimmed over it, what that means and why it's caused him to quit.

The Twitch is what caused both the aversion to technology and the attachment to Helix. The latter is a source of conflict in the story and the former is what prevents Red from using the internet instead of the library like a normal person. For story purposes, he's required to visit the library. Formerly, when I didn't explain the Twitch causing the phobia of tech and instead only mentioned that Red was demotivated to use online material, this was seen as strangely unrealistic. The merge, on the other hand, explains how Red gained his secret room. What I've mentioned here is found in the first and third chapter. But if I explained these things thoroughly without leaving anything out, that would really just be a massive exposition dump and put a roadblock on the actual story. I really have to balance between streamlining the story and avoiding plotholes.
 
This post, while not out of line for a Mature-labeled thread, is unusually explicit for a review. It selectively quotes from highly controversial works of art which would likely violate Bulbapedia rules on shocking content if replicated in their entirety. While everything in this post relates to this thread's topic, I still feel compelled to slap a MATURE Content Warning on this post, even if that's already implied. Reader beware; we're talking shock.

This review is a first for me, in that this is the first time I'm reviewing a fic that other people have already reviewed. Normally, this isn't something I would seek out - I personally find reviewing up-and-coming fics to be much more rewarding, both for me and the author - but I took an interest in your fic after you, Sir Canisaries, mentioned it in a discussion about writing mentally ill characters in fan fiction. For context, here's the quote in full:

In my world, mon have the capability to develop sapience if they're raised right during a crucial learning period, so in my case mon definitely can be mentally ill. Of course, lots of mental illnesses are (or are at least strongly theorized to be) the result of something being off about the brain, be it neurotransmitter imbalance or structural oddities. With a creature that doesn't have a human brain but some other lifeform's brain, their physiology will likely be different, and they may have different illnesses (and healthinesses!) relating to it. Hell, being civil or feral could be considered a condition by some in itself. However, alien psychologies are pretty deep into speculative territory and if an author doesn't want to account for that so that they can focus on something else in their world or characters, that's fine. (Totally not just covering my own ass.)


As for the systems for mental health treatment, I "wrote what I knew" in Hunter, Haunted and so based what was featured on what I knew of my own country's healthcare via experience and research. I plan on including more mental health treatment stuff in its planned sequel (working title: The Bringer), although it's going to get trickier as what I'm getting treatment for differs a lot from what the protagonist, Red, is getting treatment for.


Him being a shut-in, his problems don't really differ from what they would be in real life due to the Pokémon element. He does have odd causes contributing to them, but they're more general fantasy reasons (the Twitch, his ancient evil god) than reasons related to the Pokémon society's differences.


On a small additional note, there seems to be a lot of confusion on what the differences between psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists are in the general public, and even within people with experience of mental health issues. I think I've had reviewers mistakenly refer to my psychologist character, who is introduced as such, as both of the other professions. Hell, even I accidentally typed her as a psychiatrist at first in the previous sentence because the words just sound so damn alike. But a psychologist is who I was sent to see first, so it's who I sent Red to see first for the same reason - evaluation. Only I went there of my own free will and not because my brother pressured me to, and I didn't try to feign being normal so no one would catch onto my secret homicidal tendencies. Not that I, uh, have those. Those are his thing.


Finally, on the subject of the feared "padded room", I kind of played with that in Vivarium. Red wakes up in a small white room where the nurses on the other side of the wall treat him like an animal and give him horrifyingly painful shock therapy. I actually got a reply on another site that took issue with my portrayal of mental health and its treatment and how it was old-fashioned and ill-informed, but understood me when I explained that the intention was to showcase the protagonist living in his own fears and misconceptions of what society would do to him if it found out what he really is. And then I dabbed because I'd technically won an internet argument.


Anyway, I expect I'll have to do a bunch more research when I get around to writing that sequel, but currently I'm too occupied with my other projects.

So on the one hand, you seem to have a very real knowledge of mental health which you use in your writing. On the other hand, you made an unprovoked confession to dabbing, which was an immediate -5 brownie points. Still, you seemed like a competent enough dude that I specifically seeked out the fic you mentioned.

I then did something incredibly, incredibly stupid. I read other people's reviews.

I'm not going to signal any reviewer out, but it seems your fic has acquired a reputation for "shock". And along the way, there seems to have been problems defining what "shock" is. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it neither, or somehow both? Is Hunter, Haunted even shock to begin with?

I'm not going to call myself a shock expert, because I'm pretty sure those don't exist. I do, however, have a working knowledge of what I've personally seen described as "shock media". Bulbagarden Forum Rule #14 mentions posting "shocking content" as a bannable offensive, so I'm going to tread as lightly as possible while still sharing my knowledge of shock. I've made the conscious decision to prioritize "contributing to the discussion" over "avoiding shocking content", which means this post will be referencing specific shocking media. While I've written my post to minimize "shock value", and while I personally believe this post is tame enough for a Mature thread, there's likely going to be some degree of shocking content according to some people. If you do not feel comfortable discussing "shock", this is your final warning.

Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into today?



————



So let's talk about Pink Flamingos.

Pink Flamingos is a 1972 film directed by John Waters, according to IMBD. The film follows the Bal'mer drag queen Divine and her...efforts to retain the title of "the filthiest person alive". And boy, does she do it. The girl can't help it.

INTERVIEWER: "Could you give us some of your political beliefs?"
DIVINE: "Kill everyone now. Condone first degree murder. Advocate cannibalism. Eat shit. Filth are my politics, filth is my life!"
-Excerpt of an interview with Divine

Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh. This film is trashy. It is disgusting. It is vile. It is shocking. And it is an all-time cinema classic, launching John Waters and his production posse from "no-budget nobodies" to "THE no-budget nobodies".

Wikipedia on Pink Flamingos's reception said:
Like the underground films from which Waters drew inspiration, which provided a source of community for pre-Stonewall queer people, the film has been widely celebrated by the LGBT community[18] and has been described as "early gay agitprop filmmaking."[3] This, coupled with its unanimous popularity among queer theorists, has led to the film being considered "the most important queer film of all time."[19] Pink Flamingos is also considered an important precursor of punk culture.[20][21]

Pink Flamingos could not work without being shocking. The film was originally released in 1972 with a drag queen as the main protagonist. It prominently featured gay, lesbian, trans, and bisexual characters being proud of who they are, only four years after Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. It rebelled against every social norm it could cram into its running time, and its been vindicated by history because of it. Even if there was some...collateral damage. Oh, that poor chicken...

Now, let's compare Pink Flamingos to, I don't know, Jackass.

I'm not going to give the Jackass troupe an in-depth analysis, as I've been trying to forget their existence since at least 2016. Jackass has mostly faded from pop culture, but if you were alive during the mid-to-late 2000s (and if you're reading a Mature thread, then you probably were), then these guys' brand of shock humor was everywhere. And it was all mainstream! "Shock" had become the norm, weaponized to reject society's most reasonable request. And that request was and still is: "don't be a jackass". I didn't come up with it, it's what they called themselves.

Yeah, sorry if there's any Jackass fans reading this, but to be quite honest, if you identify as a proud Jackass fan to this day, then I have a feeling you won't be around these forums long. Embracing their life philosophy tends to get you banned. Not from these forums, just...anywhere. Anywhere that has the legal power to ban people. Their time at the top ended with a string of regrettable but predictable tragedies, and so out of respect I will avoid discussing their lives further.

So, now that we have a decent understanding of what shock can and can't do: is Hunter, Haunted shocking because it's juxtapositioning itself against unjust social norms? Or is it shocking because it's violating reasonable social norms? Or, possibly, is it not shocking at all?



————



I'm tempted to end my review here, as I'm far better at researching than analyzing text. Still, it wouldn't be a review if I didn't review the heck'n thing. I raised three very specific questions to be answered, and while answering questions ain't my forte, I'm going to give it my best shot. Please don't kill me; I have a family.

For my own sanity, I'm limiting this review to the revised Prologue. I tend to break things down to the nitty-gritty, which can be quite the time investment. Time is money, yo.

Let's get this thing rolling. Opening paragraph, go:

Everyone’s still away. Perfect.

Okay, this is not an opening paragraph, but an opening line spaced to be its own paragraph. Which is a stylistic choice that signals, to me at least, that you are doubling down on this specific line of text. You believe that this line alone is enough to hook a skeptical reader who's on the fence about your fic, someone who read your summary and said to themselves "Eh, I'll give it a chance, but I'm not sure." So, let's overanalyze this line, shall we?

In my opinion, this is a pretty good opening line. Checking to see if anyone's around indicates this person is about to do something shady. And pretty soon, too. Plus, the word choice "still" indicates some sort of history, that there are events in the past that have already happened. Namely: everyone left. Why did everyone leave? A distraction? Some sort of disaster? Lots of interesting possibilities you're raising. And the line, it's pretty punchy, too. Only four words. Maybe a little blunt for my overlyanalytical mind, but I can forgive that. Let's see where you're going with this.

I swing the door fully open and drag the trash bag out of the stairway. I glance at the kitchen clock. It’s noon, as I expected, more or less.

Still not sure this qualifies as a paragraph. I wouldn't mind something longer, something that expects me to be patient. But that's grammah nitpicking. Let's look at the content.

So our protagonist is dragging a trash bag. Except this is a horror story, so we can at minimum expect a body in that bag. I've played enough Hitman to have an idea of how tense dragging a body through a public area is. The old-school Hitman, the ones where there's no magic closets where bodies will never be found. And this guy probably won't get to replay the mission if things go horribly wrong. So whatever's going on in this scene, it's important to this particular character.

Oh, and "as I expected"? That's a cocky phrase. Maybe even suggesting a planned operation. Let's keep going:

People should generally be at work or school during this time, but I know there are exceptions. Old people, jobless people, homeless people, people with odd shifts, class skippers. In other words, witnesses. If they’re the nosy kind, I need to have an explanation ready. Good thing I do.

Now here's a proper paragraph. And it's character development! Personally, I prefer developing a character in the first sentence, but if I didn't, I'd say this is the way to do things. Introduce tension right out the gate, hint at cool stuff down the line, then develop the characters while slowly moving the scene forward. That way, the character development works in conjunction with the pacing, milking the tense scene for all it's worth. You can't infodump everything at once, you gotta keep things moving, but you can take your time. The audience should be hooked by now. Or reading something else, if they've already written you off. But I'm a sick enough person to appreciate corpses in trash bags, so I'm still reading.

Also, side note: I'm not seeing much shock. Dragging a corpse isn't exactly out of place in today's media landscape. Maybe in Pokémon fanfic, but this fic was labeled Mature. Thus, I expect mature content. This is mature content, but it's not breaking any taboos or cow-tipping sacred cows. At least not out the gate. And if your primary aim was to shock people, then I'd think I'd have seen it by now. Unless you're setting up a The Lottery type twist, which you might be. But if that was the case, then I'd expect something softer to start off with. Maybe a formal party, or some children playing in a field. Then the idealic scene slowly morphs into something vicious, exposing the crappy ideals that got us here. But we're starting with some creepy dude dragging a trash bag, so I don't think a shock twist is in the making. Thus, I shall make a prediction!

PREDICTION! THIS FIC AIN'T SHOCKING.

You have to put it in bold, or else it's not a real prediction. Anyways, let's get back on track.

We have a character being developed through internal monologue. They are the same character dragging our trash bag. That's an interesting concept! Exploring the inner workings of someone dangerously insane. And while normally I'd get skeptical, I was brought here by an insightful post about mental illness, so you probably can avoid the potential pitfalls. Probably. Hopefully. I hope. Please.

Now, how can you develop a dangerously ill protagonist? I'm not the biggest expert on this type of stuff, this isn't normally my genre, but I think I know enough to identify two archetypes:

Archetype #1: The Sad, Insane Puppy. This is the protagonist who is just as innocent as they are insane. They can become a productive citizen of society if only their dangerous impulses could be properly treated. Thus, the audiences roots for the protagonist's reformation, or if treatment isn't available, then at least some sort of compromise; maybe an autopsy of how things went horribly wrong, or an inside look on how to prevent this from happening again. Examples of this archetype include Norman Bates himself, as well as this sad puppy:



Archetype #2: The Honest Crazy Person. This person's completely insane, but at least they're honest about it. They'll happily share their disturbed worldview for the audience's entertainment. And since they're completely insane, they don't need to worry about no decorum. Thus, we can have a honest conversation about taboo topics we normally wouldn't get to have. And while we might not agree with the methods, we might find ourselves agreeing with their goals. Biggest example I'm thinking of is Fight Club's Tyler Durden, but the classic slasher villain can jam in this slot if they're going after despicable people. Which they usually are.

So, what archetype does our Hunter, Haunted protagonist fall under? Let's take a look!

People should generally be at work or school during this time, but I know there are exceptions. Old people, jobless people, homeless people, people with odd shifts, class skippers. In other words, witnesses. If they’re the nosy kind, I need to have an explanation ready. Good thing I do.

It looks like this person's making observations about the world around them, with a cocky vibe. They have, so far, not thought of themselves in any negative terms whatsoever, but they're also claiming to have a working knowledge of what's around them.

With the evidence before me, I think I'm going to file this protagonist under Archetype #2. They aren't humble enough to be pitiful, but their internal monologue is sharing a good deal of honest opinions. Crazy opinions, cocky opinions, but honest opinions. Let's see how this is leveraged.

I look at the bag. “If anyone asks, you’re green waste.”

I snicker. Imagine if she actually responded. Now that’d be fucked up.

And the f-bombers are in the air! That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's important to keep in mind that swears lose power the more you use them. Not in prose, in real life. Here's a scientific paper that says so. It was published in the not-making-this-up Journal of Pain, which their about page tells me:

The Journal of Pain said:
"The Journal of Pain publishes original articles related to all aspects of pain, including clinical and basic research, patient care, education, and health policy. Articles selected for publication in the Journal are most commonly reports of original clinical research or reports of original basic research. In addition, invited critical reviews, including meta analyses of drugs for pain management, invited commentaries on reviews, and exceptional case studies are published in the Journal..."

Copyright notice on the bottom of the page and a paywall on the site indicates the journal is for-profit, and I haven't seen any mention of peer review, but a quick skim of the actual paper in question shows a history of swearing-related scientific literature that more-or-less comes to the same conclusion. Or, in the paper's own words:

Swearing as a response to pain-effect of daily swearing frequency said:
This article presents further evidence that, for many people, swearing (cursing) provides readily available and effective relief from pain. However, overuse of swearing in everyday situations lessens its effectiveness as a short-term intervention to reduce pain.

I could probably find better science if I had the time, but I'm going on a tirade here and I need to wrap this up. And I personally have anecdotal evidence that holding back swears for that perfect moment makes them so fucking powerful, so I'll take this paper's conclusion seriously. Science!

Unfortunately, it seems our protagonist here has let slip an f-bomb for a sarcastic remark that deals with a hypothetical scenario that's already ruled out. This indicates to me our protagonist isn't the best at coping with pain. They're using swears superfluously instead of therapeutically, which is a piece of the puzzle to their mental profile. This doesn't mean much on its own - plenty of people swear for non-therapeutic reasons - but considering our protagonist is doing something that is only appearing more suspicious by the minute, in a horror fic...yeah, I'm going to guess our protagonist is not receiving proper mental health treatment, if that wasn't obvious already.

But there's another reason I'm bringing this up. While this is a pretty clear example of a superfluous swear, I'm not bothered by it. If anything, it's weirder for our mental-picture-degrading protagonist not to superfluously swear. It is a flaw that comes with the "dragging suspicious trash bags while acting like a cocky know-it-all" territory. So...yeah, no complaints, even if it is superfluous.

Oh, and I should probably talk about how there isn't a corpse in the trash bag. There seems to be someone alive in there, and they seem to be complacent in all this. It's quite possible our cocky protagonist actually has noble aims. But knowing the genre, having read the content warning, I have a feeling that's not entirely true. Let's see where this goes.

After putting on my coat and shoes, I fetch the bag and hoist it onto my back. Naturally, she’s heavy, even with some mass missing. But I’m strong. And the spot isn’t that far away.

Eh. Some plot info, exposition is slowly being introduced ("the spot"), our trashbag friend has a weird dropped mass thing going on, cocky protagonist is boasting about their strength, but there isn't much going on here. We still don't have a clear picture of what's going on or who to root for, and we haven't been given any details that immediately bring us closer to solving that mystery. Thus, a paragraph like this doesn't provoke any feels. The exposition has been noted, moving on.

I exit the house. The air is cool and fresh, as April air often is. A welcome change from the stench of a corpse. I can still smell it through the bag, but thankfully the wind now swipes the worst of it away. It's such a shame things can't always smell as good as they look.

And it turns out our protagonist has stuffed a corpse in that bag at some point. And likes the sight of corpses. Well, mystery solved: our protagonist is a bad person. And whoever's in the trash bag is likely complacent in all this, so they're probably a bad person too. Unless they're being held against their will, but we've had enough hints drop that indicate that isn't the case. Eldritch body of some sort, the fact that trash bags aren't exactly known for their inescapable-ness. If I were a police officer arriving to serve a warrant, I'd put trash bag person in cuffs as a potential accomplice and let the courts sort it out. If they can even be cuffed. Again, eldritch vibes here.

But not shocking vibes. Protagonist here clearly has problems, but they're problems I've seen before. Likes corpse? So do a lot of fictional serial killers! What makes you special, Trash Bag Protagonist?

The sky is a vibrant blue, obscured in places by the occasional puffy cloud. The trees and bushes sway peacefully, showing off their emerging leaves or the needles that braved through the winter. As for the street and neighborhood itself, it seems void of any people at the moment. Promising. I cross the front yard and turn right, beginning the trip I've repeated a few times by now.

Some imagery, some plot details let slip. But where's the hook?

Our protagonist isn't a likable character. I mean, they like the sight of corpses, which is at least -2 brownie points (maybe even -3). But they haven't made a self-deprecating remark yet. As odd as it sounds, I think the self-depreciation matters more that the corpse-enjoying business. They aren't being very honest with themselves, and they haven't provided much insight on the world around them. They're opting out of their archetype, and the result is a uninteresting "meh". Like, as a reader, why am I reading this? What value is this going to bring to my life? And I don't have an answer to that question, and many of the possibilities are being closed off one-by-one. There's still ways to turn this around, but my hopes are lower than when they started. If I was casually reading this fic for fun, I might abandon the effort right around here. But I'm a reviewer, heck it, and I have a job to do! Give me another paragraph!

Houses go by, all familiar, all mundane. Home to normal people. Ordinary humans and ordinary mon. They work for their bread. Drive their cars. Pay their taxes. They have no idea what lies in the basement of one of their neighbours, no idea what's being incubated in that secret room - until they’ll finally learn the truth, and then it’ll be too late.

I think I'm getting a hint of this guy's worldview. I think. He clearly thinks of himself as opposed to modern society, though I don't have a clear picture why. We might be getting somewhere, if we could just get some more details on Protagonist Trash Bag's worldly grievances.

That said, the details are being provided at a crushingly slow pace, which makes me wonder if we should've spent a few paragraphs developing our protagonist before rushing ahead with the plot. I mentioned earlier that I like to develop a character using the very first sentence. This is one of the reasons why.

And given today's events, I know that time is fast approaching. Unlike in any previous ritual, HE took over my body. Didn't only watch, didn't only speak, but successfully possessed me and satisfied HIS urges HIMSELF. Through me. I am a bit disappointed that I couldn't be there myself, as I'd really looked forward to it… but that doesn't matter. Knowing I'm this much closer to ascension makes up for it.

Okay, this exposition spoonfeeding is getting annoying. There's some deliberate obscuring of plot details here - in particular, who is HE? And as more and more paragraphs go by, I'm starting to lose confidence that the interesting questions that could be raised by this premise will actually be raised.

Other than that, paragraph's more of the same. Some plot exposition, a character ambition that isn't exactly shocking (bad person wants power). I'll make a prediction the being in the trash bag is going to be involved in this upcoming ritual being hinted at, but again, I don't know enough about the plot to have much of an interest. The promised hooks aren't appearing, the possibilities for entertainment are feeling more and more distant the more we progress through the plot.

It'd be nice to have some good shock right now, is what I'm saying.

Ascension… it warms my heart to see my years of training and careful sacrifices finally bear fruit. Oh, the things I'll do once that moment comes. I'll definitely change form, for one, into something far more intimidating and powerful than just a human. Strong, agile, towering over the worms of this earth. Something with claws and teeth and a sharp-tipped tail to tear through flesh. It feels a bit childish to fantasize about it like this, but HE seems okay with it. HE says it's only good to keep the reward in mind for motivation.

This paragraph feels redundant. We already know Protagonist Trash Bag has an ambition, that he has a negative view of society, and that he's going to perform a power-gaining ritual of some sort. We get a little more info on exactly how dedicated he is to this goal, and we learn more about what exactly he wants to "ascend" into, but that doesn't provide any useful commentary. He wants to be a big scary monster; okay, why does that matter? I mean, if he "ascends", things are going to go very wrong in the Pokémon world, but there's been little-to-no worldbuilding so far. I don't know anything about this world. I've only seen it through the eyes of a deranged serial killer, and they haven't explained their reason for hating the world. Is there some sort of systematic societal problem he's crusading against? Perhaps there's been some personal slight, some kind of lack of justice Protagonist Trash Bag experienced? I just don't know why Protagonist Trash Bag thinks the way he does, and his internal monologue is lacking the introspection that would give me a reason to read.

Here's what needs to be done. You have a near-unredeemable protagonist, so have them start spouting their manifesto, their justification for their beliefs. Then we can judge whether they're actually the bad guy here, if they might have a point buried beneath the madness. The audience may not agree with the methods, but that point, that grievance, that is something they can take away from the story. Something that makes a story worth reading.

But the moment isn't quite here yet. I'm still a mortal, a dull little human, and I have to act like one. I have to keep my real self hidden from everyone. I have to spend hours stalking my prey to make sure they're up to HIS standards, have their blood tested to make sure they're healthy and clean and finally abduct and transport them, all while remaining undetected and leaving behind no evidence. When I want to eat flesh, I have to cook it or be prepared to puke my guts out right after. Which is unfortunately what happened today, as HE chose to eat it raw, leaving me to take care of the cleanup.

I'm feeling like a broken record. This paragraph develops what the characters does, but it doesn't explain why. Why are you a cannibal, good sir? Have you ever considered becoming a productive citizen of society? As a person living in civilization, let me tell you, there are many legitimate concerns you may have, but I fear you may be overreacting. Have you ever expressed your grievances to others? Would you like to speak to a therapist, or better yet, adjust your internal monologue so that you have to justify your socially unacceptable actions to the audience?

And no, cannibalism isn't shocking on its own. Maybe if you were advocating for cannibalism; say:

"When a relative dies, it's far more ethical to eat their corpse than spending thousands on elaborate and time-consuming funeral arrangements, especially when that money could be donated to charity."


That's a shocking line of thought. That's shocking cannibalism, that's tipping the sacred cow. That's challenging society's well-accepted belief in burial via an argument that would get you kicked out of a funeral. And that was what I was hoping this fic would be. And now I'm disappointed and cynical and repeating myself, and that don't make a useful review.

I think I'll call it here. Hunter, Haunted isn't shocking, because it fails to provide any sort of rebellion against societal norms. It depicts characters that willingly refuse to conform to society, but it doesn't make their positions in any way desirable or respectable or even detailed. Unless there's some way to turn into a giant monster in the real world, but as far as I'm aware there is no scientific evidence to support cult sacrifices. I guess this fic could serve as commentary on the "power for power's sake" mentality, but if I wanted an argument against consolidated power, I'd read the news. Which I do. Dictators have problems too, you know. Corrupt middle management, threat of assassination/hostile takeover, the resulting paranoia and bureaucratic inefficiency, possible social isolation due to security concerns, lack of coping skills due to living amongst yes men...the list goes on.

Hunter, Haunted isn't horrible. I've had worse experiences reviewing. The technical skill is there, there's characters and plot and imagery and grammah and all that jazz. But it lacks a developed, shocking message. Something you want to express to the world. Something you want to put in your opening paragraph, because you feel it cannot wait. And I can't give you that with a review. I could tell you what to believe, what to express, but then that wouldn't be you. You wouldn't know it, you wouldn't be writing what you knew, and your writing would suffer for it. You'd turn into a strawman parroting someone else's beliefs, and haven given your fic a try, I don't feel like I learned much about what you believe. The fic felt closeted, meek, unwilling to reveal what it wanted it to say, whatever that may be. That's why there's no shock value, that's why the dark tone feels forced and unnecessary, that's why this fic is in my opinion mistakenly labeled as bad shock.

I don't like leaving you without constructive criticism. But I think the criticism needs to come from within. Think about why you're here, why you're writing this fic in the first place. Don't wait for reviews to doubt you. Doubt yourself. Don't change what you believe if you don't feel the need, but spend the time to test your beliefs. Justify them, not to random reviewers on the internet, but to yourself. And for all I know, you've already done that! So put it in your fic. Be proud of it. Be so proud, put it in the first paragraph. Hell, put it in the opening line. Be honest. Be blunt. Be shocking. That's what the Mature rating exists for, it's why people read Mature fiction in the first place. 'Cause even if they don't agree with it, they'll at least form a reason why. And then they'll have taken something from your writing, and then they'll have a reason to read. A hook.

I think I've said my part. I don't think you're a bad author, by the way. I glossed over it because I thought it was "above" you, but your technicals are all in order. I had to really stretch just to find nitpicks in your style. I just wish your fic was more to-the-point. Time is money, yo, and I can't hang around reading forever.

I hate writing negative reviews like this. But I hate your talent stagnating more. I hope you shock me someday. I think you might be willing to go that far, but I don't know. I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what's going on in your head. But you probably do.

Hope to see you around. Again, everything said, you do have talent, and you did manage to hook me for at least a couple paragraphs. You aren't a bad writer, there are parts of your fic I enjoyed, and while I didn't like your writing style personally, I'm just some dude on the internet. Write what you want; I've said my piece.

Seriously though, dabbing is not cool.


————


EDIT: So after posting this review, I reread your fic's description. And then I saw this:

NOTE (28 Jan 2019): An alternate prologue has been added to this post! That is, an alternate prologue has replaced the original while the original has been put into a spoiler tag. This is due to the original having pretty intense content, possibly the most intense of the entire fic, and me realizing it may be costing me readers who aren't quite ready to have a gore explosion in their face from the get-go. However, even if the prologue is a bit of a black sheep, I still think it's very good in terms of quality, so I'm not going to just throw it in the trash. And as it still ties very strongly to the story, it'd feel odd to separate it into its own oneshot, so it stays in a spoiler tag.

It seems to me I have been reading the wrong prologue. Now, I haven't read the original yet, but I am now extremely interested, because of one line:

This is due to the original having pretty intense content, possibly the most intense of the entire fic, and me realizing it may be costing me readers who aren't quite ready to have a gore explosion in their face from the get-go.

Now, I can only speculate here, because I have not been following your fic. I didn't dabble too deep in other people's reviews, because I want to approach any form of media with the minimum necessary context, and I was already pushing it by looking at other reviews in the first place. Again, this is my first review where I'm not the first reviewer. And that's because I don't agree with many traditional critics. I don't think grammah is all that important, I think characters and plot are just means to an end, and I think that end is the hook. The reason. The purpose behind why this piece of media exists, and how it influences its audience. Thus, for my own safety, I tend to take a self-deprecating approach to reviewing. I don't want to come off high and mighty, because there is a legion ready to strike me down if I were brutally honest.

However.

It seems other people's reviews have seriously altered the content of your fic. And so, I'm going to make a special exception and give you some blunt honesty:

Fuck other people.

Remember Pink Flamingos? That cinema masterpiece that became vindicated by history? IMBD lists it as having a 47 metascore. Granted, it's an older movie, and review aggregators have their flaws, but that should give you a snapshot of how unreliable reviewers can be.

"Shock", by definition, turns people off. It makes them uncomfortable. Writing shock is going to cost you readers, because readers are idiots that don't know what's best for them. And I am preaching, I am lecturing, but it is a lecture you need to learn now, before it contaminates more of your fic.

Fuck other people.

You said it yourself. You said, and I quote:

However, even if the prologue is a bit of a black sheep, I still think it's very good in terms of quality, so I'm not going to just throw it in the trash.

And if what you have said about your original prologue is true, then without having read it myself, I'm going to make a prediction.

PREDICTION! Your original prologue is better.

It seems I have more work to do. I want to review your original prologue, and I want to see if it addresses some of my complaints. Namely; that your revised prologue lacks spine. It is afraid of being what it wants to be, and I think that original prologue might be where your spine is hiding. I believe other people are compromising your artistic vision because they don't like the uncomfortable feelings your fic is designed to raise. And I'm not sure what they were expecting when they saw your fic was labeled Mature, but they should not be imposing their will on you just because shocking content is "costing you readers". And I'm afraid that's what's happening, the mellowing down of a shocking piece of art because other people don't want to hear it.

Fuck other people.

Consider this an I.O.U. for a review of your original prologue. I'm only speculating right now, so when I have the time I want to see for myself what peer pressure has done to your story. I have a prediction; I hope I'm proven wrong.
 
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@Snuggle Tier List

Okay, so, whew. That's a long reply. Though what's even more incredible is that you seem to have only read half of a prologue before writing all that. Well, you also read some reviews - and I most definitely agree with you that it's a mistake to go poking around those before reading the source material yourself. But for now, I need to point out something very, very important for this conversation.

Hunter, Haunted is not a shock fic.

A big part of your reply is devoted to the factor of shock, and it unfortunately seems to be based on a falsehood. I'm not talking about the fact that you read the wrong prologue entirely - while that is a pretty considerable error, and I'm glad you did actually take a closer look at the Author's Notes to realize the oopsie that's happened, it's actually not the sole reason I consider this reply to have misinformation.

You see, it seems that the reviews you've read have given you a false idea of what this story is meant to be. Many of them have assumed that HH is meant to be a shock fic, which is actually incorrect. The disturbing concepts featured in HH are not there to make people gasp and curl up into the fetal position, they're there for a pretty simple reason - I like morbid things. I like blood and guts. I even like cannibalism. All in fiction, mind you. I don't like real life suffering or death. (Especially cannibalism has some very scary consequences in the form of brain-rotting prion diseases - so no, eating your loved ones' corpses is not a good idea whether or not you count in morals. Look up Kuru if you're curious.) It's these subjects and the prevalence of fear in the story that are responsible for HH's classification as horror. And do notice how horror is the second genre to be mentioned in the summary. Drama comes first.

However, there are people who consider the things HH features shocking. That's in their right and, from an evolutionary standpoint, even sensible. But HH's goal is not to deliberately push these buttons. They're more like collateral damage. In other words, HH isn't about being shocking, it just features aspects others can find shocking. It's not intended to do so in a "look at me, I'm so taboo" kind of way. This is for two reasons.

Firstly, I know shock is a battle that can never really be won as, well, anything I could do already has a meme about it going around and isn't really that outrageous anymore. Pink Flamingos was probably very shocking for its time and environment, but all I can say upon reading your quote of it is "that's it? This isn't even Cannibal Corpse tier." (I respect its status as an iconic LGBT movie if that part's true, but it's not really relevant to the conversation at hand.)

The second reason the fic isn't supposed to showcase its content as something to gawk at is the fact that the narration comes directly from the protagonist's brain, and naturally he sees nothing shocking in the kind of stuff he meddles in. He knows it can shock others, though, and does like the thought of contrast he has to the others.

Oh, and there's kind of a third reason too: I'm not tacky enough to write shock stories about others' intellectual property. I don't want to advertise my fic as WHAT IF POKÉMON WAS VIOLENT OMG!!! I don't want to make Cupcakes 2. That's a very quick way to make people lose respect for your story as a piece of art and have no one take it seriously. You're way more likely to become a meme, and not one of those beloved and respected ones like Stefan Karl. I mean the butts of jokes. I mean the stuff they call cringe.

Anyway, I feel like I've rambled on about that shock thingy enough by now, so let's move on to other aspects.

Oh, and I should probably talk about how there isn't a corpse in the trash bag. There seems to be someone alive in there, and they seem to be complacent in all this.

This is actually false. The contents of the bag are - technically a spoiler, but a very minor one the original prologue already answers - a chopped-up body of a woman. Red's speaking to it just to humor himself, and remarks it would be "fucked up" for her to respond because, if you tore something apart and definitely killed it dead, it talking back to you would be quite unsettling.

You seem to have already come to the correct conclusion here, but Red curses because it's commonplace for a person like him (modern youth, no strict parenting) to curse. I am aware of the fleeting powers of these words, so I try not to lean on them. Only add them when he would utter them (internally or externally).

But not shocking vibes. Protagonist here clearly has problems, but they're problems I've seen before. Likes corpse? So do a lot of fictional serial killers! What makes you special, Trash Bag Protagonist?

this one subverts expectations by bein a giant fuckin loser

Some imagery, some plot details let slip. But where's the hook?

Our protagonist isn't a likable character. I mean, they like the sight of corpses, which is at least -2 brownie points (maybe even -3). But they haven't made a self-deprecating remark yet. As odd as it sounds, I think the self-depreciation matters more that the corpse-enjoying business. They aren't being very honest with themselves, and they haven't provided much insight on the world around them. They're opting out of their archetype, and the result is a uninteresting "meh". Like, as a reader, why am I reading this? What value is this going to bring to my life? And I don't have an answer to that question, and many of the possibilities are being closed off one-by-one.

Okay, so, here's the thing. I can't tell you where the hook is. There's only one reason I can give to anyone for reading this: you might like it. Might. Reception has been mixed. Some people love Red's character, some people hate his guts. With time, I've managed to tweak Red to be a better character from an objective standpoint, which also betters his chances to be liked or at the very least, tolerated. I'm happy with the changes I've made and Red is now more cohesive and closer to what I think he should be. Still, there will be people who won't like him. That's fair. Liking is very subjective. It does pain me as someone who really wants her works read to know the very focus of the fic is turning people away, but the fact is that I just can't make Red traditionally likable without absolutely destroying what his character is and severing his inner consistencies. The fact that I can't tell people why they should like Red is likely the biggest deficit of this story and, unfortunately, unfixable.

But I will tell you one thing - the original prologue is a lot stronger a start than this alternate one. I do sigh when I think about how much lamer this alt one really is compared to the original, but keep it up as I know it's probably better for not instantly turning readers away. It has worked at least once so far, I believe. I wish I could make the alt prologue better, but I've had very little feedback of it so far and so am sort of lost on how to make it work while having it still cover all the establishing information the original had.

Finally, I would like to add that I have no idea how to give reasons to read any story. Or why to watch some movie or a TV show. The best I can do is "I like it" or possibly "the imagery is cool". In the end, if you think about it, there's always some better story for that particular person to enjoy out there. But does this mean every story that isn't that story shouldn't exist, or that they're worthless? We'd lose a lot of stories that way.

There's still ways to turn this around, but my hopes are lower than when they started. If I was casually reading this fic for fun, I might abandon the effort right around here. But I'm a reviewer, heck it, and I have a job to do! Give me another paragraph!

I mean... you say here you're gonna keep reading because you're a reviewer, but then stop anyway at the halfway point, despite the entire prologue being under 2 000 measly words. And I won't lie, it's kind of insulting, not bothering to read what you're critiquing all the way to the end. I could get it if it was an especially long piece of text, but... under 2k, man. That's barely half of an average chapter's length. If I couldn't get through a 2k word piece, I really wouldn't be confident in giving strong opinions, unless the text was explicitly offensive or something of the sort. I mean, hell, doesn't your reply by itself contain more words than you read of my text? It really feels like, with that energy, you could've at least skimmed the end.

Okay, this exposition spoonfeeding is getting annoying. There's some deliberate obscuring of plot details here - in particular, who is HE? And as more and more paragraphs go by, I'm starting to lose confidence that the interesting questions that could be raised by this premise will actually be raised.

I mean... you read about a thousand words. Half of a prologue. When the fic is around 70 000 words. Doesn't it feel a bit early to make judgements such as these?

Here's what needs to be done. You have a near-unredeemable protagonist, so have them start spouting their manifesto, their justification for their beliefs. Then we can judge whether they're actually the bad guy here, if they might have a point buried beneath the madness. The audience may not agree with the methods, but that point, that grievance, that is something they can take away from the story. Something that makes a story worth reading.

Eh, I've considered the "explain your broken ass politics right at the start so people can know how absolutely wrong you are about everything" part, but I worry it'll just come across as pretentious. (That tacky speech from Hatred, anyone?) But maybe you're onto something, I don't know. Maybe the Alternate prologue should answer more questions than the Original, given there's no interesting setting to give an atmosphere of mystery as strong. Just kind of sneaking around with a trash bag. I guess that's pretty damn boring in the end.

I'm feeling like a broken record. This paragraph develops what the characters does, but it doesn't explain why. Why are you a cannibal, good sir? Have you ever considered becoming a productive citizen of society? As a person living in civilization, let me tell you, there are many legitimate concerns you may have, but I fear you may be overreacting. Have you ever expressed your grievances to others? Would you like to speak to a therapist, or better yet, adjust your internal monologue so that you have to justify your socially unacceptable actions to the audience?

What an amazing coincidence, practically all of these questions are addressed in the first chapter.

I guess this fic could serve as commentary on the "power for power's sake" mentality, but if I wanted an argument against consolidated power, I'd read the news. Which I do. Dictators have problems too, you know. Corrupt middle management, threat of assassination/hostile takeover, the resulting paranoia and bureaucratic inefficiency, possible social isolation due to security concerns, lack of coping skills due to living amongst yes men...the list goes on.
But it lacks a developed, shocking message. Something you want to express to the world. Something you want to put in your opening paragraph, because you feel it cannot wait.

Yeah, I don't know if I agree with the idea that every single story needs to have a message. I couldn't possibly make one without it sounding incredibly contrived, at least. I'd rather just write what happens to people, and if we learn something new along the way, then coolio. But I don't want to convince people of some thought. I have nothing to convince people of, and if I did, I wouldn't do so with a Pokémon story. A Twitch Plays Pokémon story, no less.

There are concepts I deal with in HH that can get people thinking, but I'm not here to give people a lecture. I'm here, most of all, to express my own pains and fears. Perhaps I'm asking if a person as horrible as Red deserves to go through the torture he will face during the course of this story, but I'm not answering my own question.

But suppose I did have a message. Something groundbreaking. Why would I want to give it right at the start? There's no reason to read the story afterwards. If I go and show all my cards, the rest of the story will be nothing but a recap. There's no mystery. I don't know why you went ahead and assumed there's no reason for the protagonist to do what he does other than 'evil', of course there is. I couldn't possibly crank out as many chapters as I did if there wasn't.

So put it in your fic. Be proud of it. Be so proud, put it in the first paragraph. Hell, put it in the opening line. Be honest. Be blunt. Be shocking. That's what the Mature rating exists for, it's why people read Mature fiction in the first place. 'Cause even if they don't agree with it, they'll at least form a reason why. And then they'll have taken something from your writing, and then they'll have a reason to read. A hook.

It's kiiiinda fucked to hear I don't doubt myself enough when I'm already massively insecure, just saying.

Seriously though, dabbing is not cool.

oh yeah dabs what are you dabs gonna do about it dabs big boy dabs

It seems other people's reviews have seriously altered the content of your fic.

Nnnnnnnah. Not really. They caused me to add an alternate prologue, but other than that, whatever I've changed based on other people's critiques is stuff I myself agree with. You'd be surprised to see how stubborn I've been in face of all that's been said. Hell, actually, you can tell how damn stubborn I'm being right now.

Remember Pink Flamingos? That cinema masterpiece that became vindicated by history? IMBD lists it as having a 47 metascore. Granted, it's an older movie, and review aggregators have their flaws, but that should give you a snapshot of how unreliable reviewers can be.

You do realize this also makes your claim on Pink Flamingos being a masterpiece unreliable, right? I don't really care either way in the end, but just pointing out this argument doesn't really work.

It seems I have more work to do. I want to review your original prologue, and I want to see if it addresses some of my complaints. Namely; that your revised prologue lacks spine. It is afraid of being what it wants to be, and I think that original prologue might be where your spine is hiding. I believe other people are compromising your artistic vision because they don't like the uncomfortable feelings your fic is designed to raise. And I'm not sure what they were expecting when they saw your fic was labeled Mature, but they should not be imposing their will on you just because shocking content is "costing you readers". And I'm afraid that's what's happening, the mellowing down of a shocking piece of art because other people don't want to hear it.

Well, there are different tiers here when it comes to Mature content. By this forum's rules, a fic can be mature if it has enough slurs in it, regardless of any other content. There are people who can handle offensive words, but not detailed descriptions of corpses. Mature tags also go on fics that deal heavily with mental illness. Mature doesn't immediately mean "gore" on here, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, I've made a sort of compromise now - both prologues have been put in spoiler tags, making it more clear that I want people to actively choose rather than settle on something by default. It's also now easier to spot the entire note of this double-prologue business, so even if people choose the Alternate path, they'll know it's not the only one and possibly not the best version.

The idea that art should not be censored is a noble one. However, it's rather idealistic, and the realist I am, I know a tamer prologue will increase my chance of readership. Although, what you've said has now given me another parameter to consider - if the alternate prologue simply sucks, the people won't read the fic anyway. Hmh. But I don't think it sucks quite as much as you've made it out to suck, so I'm not gonna straight up go axing it based on just that.

Why am I so keen on having people read my fic? Well, I'm very lonely and starved for validation. That's kind of the ugly truth here. But I don't want to mangle my art to achieve that. Then any pretty words given to me would feel worthless.

Okay, that's a long enough response, I'd wager. I do hope the reviews and my comments will add up to you more once you've read that original prologue. In any case, thanks for at the very least giving this fic a sliver of your time. Given the length of your reply, it seems it's occupied some of your headspace, too, which is practically second base as far as attention for stories go.
 
DISCLAIMER: I see someone important has replied to my previous review. Due to some weird timing-related issues that will soon become clear, I forced myself to not read any replies before posting this review. Long story short, I captured an extremely interesting perspective IMHO, and I needed to put myself in a time capsule to preserve it. It's weird and complicated and involves really weird timing and a really weird reviewing style of mine and a extremely weird coincidence that borders on disbelief, so I'm just going to post this now, wait for the next reply, and then we can have a conversation maybe. So, uh...enjoy! Hopefully.

It's time for a review.

Just to recap: this will be a review of Hunter, Haunted's original prologue. I have already reviewed the revised prologue and came away feeling "meh", specifically because of a lack of "shock". I then reread this thread's description and saw you, Sir Canisaries, had explained the revised prologue was created because the original prologue was turning potential readers away due to "pretty intense content". Thus, I theorized the original prologue contained the shock value the revised prologue lacked. And now we're here.

Just to be clear, I want to be proven wrong on this. You see, I believe rewriting anything you personally believe is high-quality just because people didn't like it is a horrible way to write shock. That's because shock is, by it's very definition, going to turn people off. Good shock is bitter medicine; not fun, not happy, maybe not even enjoyable, but necessary. It juxtapositions itself against unjust social norms, and thus you need a certain type of rebellious mind just to appreciate it. Backlash is expected; wanted, even. But that's the point. And if your original prologue was "costing you readers", then it's possible those readers just didn't want their bitter medicine. And that's on them, not on you. Creating a revised prologue to suit their tastes might be a decent business tactic, but it's not a good artistic tactic. Because, and I'm going to double down on this:

Fuck other people.

You, as an author, as an artist, have a right to choose your target audience. You choose when and where or even if your art is published, and if anyone tries to take that from you, they are meanie poo-poo heads. While I don't believe your right to publish shields you from responsibility if you art is so bad it's unethical, I do believe readers have some responsibility, too. And in this particular case, that responsibility is: don't wander into a Mature thread promising graphic violence and horrific image and complain it's shock. You were warned.

Yeah, this is a pretty big departure from my usual positive-thinking review style, but I always review for the benefit of the author specifically, the public more broadly. And if your original prologue contains the bitter media the public needs, if it juxtapositions itself against unjust social norms, then seeing you delegate your original prologue to a spoiler tag is gonna break my heart, man. I mean it's not as bad as a complete censure, but hearing it called a black sheep is...

...I hope I'm wrong on this one. I hope.

Well, time to get to it, shall we? Opening paragraph, go WAIT A MINUTE WHAT IS THIS

There are two different Prologues - Original and Alternate.

These two differ from each other by featuring a different scenario with different levels of graphic/disturbing content, but they fulfil the same narrative purposes. Either one can be read, as the events of both are canon. Reading both is permitted, but do not be surprised to see information repeated between the two.

The recommended version is Original, but Alternate is for those who'd prefer a less gruesome entry to the story.

Okay, so at the time of writing, your post was lasted edited 10 minutes ago. And I distinctly remember the original prologue not being recommended.

Have you...have you read my review? Are you replying to it, right now? I don't see a reply yet, so it's possible you're writing a reply at the exact same time I'm writing this review. Which is, uh, an interesting situation we may have found ourselves in. I'm going to soldier on with this review regardless, as I'm kinda committed at this point and I'm a little curious how this will turn out. It's possible this review will be complete garbage, but at least it'll be interesting garbage. Maybe this is an opportunity to write the worst review of all time? Am I making The Room of reviews? That would be awesome! Let's do this!

(note from Ed who is myself: my reviews are not written immediately before posting. I tend to write them in chunks over the course of several writing sessions, then copy n' paste them into Bulbaforum's "Write your reply..." field. While this ain't the speediest way to pump out reviews, it suits my "OVERANALYZE EVERYTHING" reviewing style. Thus, it's quite possible this will be posted long after the mentioned edit. I don't know yet, I haven't finished this review yet. And I'm actually about to take a break right now, take a shower, get myself ready for the day, maybe do some grocery shopping, begin the ritual. So if the timings here don't make sense, this is why. Future self, take it away!)

And who knows? Maybe I'm wrong about everything! I haven't read your original prologue yet. Perhaps there is indeed some sort of "bad" shock value, no, something so bad that it actively worsens society just by existing. Maybe you're telling kids to kill their parents or something, I don't know. But that is an extremely high bar to clear via prose. Call me an optimist, but I don't think you've written the next Mein Kampf via a Twitch Plays Pokémon fanfic. It, uh, doesn't seem to be your type of thing. I hope. Canisaries, are you Hitler? Have you risen from your grave to enact revenge by writing terrible Twitch Plays Pokémon fan fiction? Let's find out! Opening paragraph, go:

Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out…

It's not Mein Kampf. Probably.

Once again, we have an opening paragraph that is not an opening paragraph, but an opening line. But this line is...better. Actually, really good. I have no context whatsoever, but the fact that someone needs to remind themselves to breathe tells me there is something horribly wrong. I know this because I have been in this position, and it is not a fun place to be. At all. And maybe if I were a better author, I could put it into words, but the amount of stress you have to be experiencing for your subconscious to forget to breathe is...well, beyond words. It's a powerful opening line, to say the least.

My lungs drag the soft air in, squeeze it out. Repeat. Repeat. The air tastes so good. I switch to breathing through my nose. An explosion of sweet aromas hits my nasal cavity, yes, it’s wonderful, wonderful… but I have to switch back. I need more air.

Still not Mein Kampf. For now. I'm onto you, possible-zombie-Hitler.

This paragraph is...do I even need to say it? This is intense. This is some extremely effective imagery. I was just blabbering about how this experience is beyond words, and here you are, putting it into words. Well, okay, it seems a little different than my own experiences. Whoever this is seems to be enjoying themselves. So we have a mix of extreme stress mixed with euphoria. In a Mature fic. I'm sure everything is fine.

I should point out, at this point in my other review, I was mentioning all the interesting possibilities you were raising. But this, this isn't just raising possibilities. This is preventing bad possibilities. I mean, forget interesting questions being raised. You have moved the scene to a point where I'm struggling to comprehend how it could go wrong. Perhaps that's the bar I should've been using, because you demonstratively just cleared it.

But we're still early on. Let's see where this goes.

I’m so warm. My skin is hot, throbbing to the rhythm of my rapid heartbeat. Beneath the heart, a full, heavy stomach. Satisfied.

Still not Mein Kampf. You know, if Hitler was alive today, he'd probably approve of dabbing. [obnoxious voice]Just sayin', bro.[/obnoxious voice]

Now, I'm going in with some meta-knowledge here, as I've read your revised prologue. But I'm gonna guess this guy here just indulged in the most dangerous game. Just a hunch.

However, I feel like I have an idea why. This person likes it, and not for the taste. There's some sort of thrill in it, some sort of taboo being broken...

...taboo being broken. Shock. This is shock. There isn't enough context to determine what quality of shock this is, but whatever it might be, this is still shocking. And it only took you two paragraphs.

That said, just because it's shock doesn't mean it's good shock. So let's not stop here.

Blur… black at the top, brown in the middle, orange at the bottom… all I see. These colors, they pulse with every contraction of the pump at my core… or… do they flicker on their own, too? They do.

Still not Mein Kampf.

Okay, so this person's mental state is so clearly off the deep end, I can't even trust their internal monologue. Is this paragraph figurative? Literal? Whoever this person (if they are a person) is, they probably should not be operating a motor vehicle. I'm not sure what they're under the influence of, but they're definitely under the influence of something.

Popping, crackling. It’s not quiet here, there’s something beside my own heart and breathing. It’s like fire. Is it fire? Yeah, it is. Something’s hissing, too. I can’t tell what it is.

Still not Mein Kampf.

Okay, it seems this for-lack-of-a-better-word person is actually under the influence of some sort of...thing. And it's probably not a good thing.

However! There is still the possibility we're just listening to some insane...actually, no. I don't want to call them insane. This is, uh, actually familiar. Not to me, personally, but to Samuel Coster:

"In the Fall of 2013, I walked into my kitchen, and saw a blood dragon burst out of my chest, crash through the wall, and fly off into the horizon."
—Samuel Coster, opening line of "The Last Game I Make Before I Die: The Crashlands Postmortem"



As it turns out, you do not need to be mentally ill to experience hallucinations. Physical illness, such as cancer, can do it just fine. The mind is the plaything of the body, after all.

I'm not a doctor, but I think there is something physically affecting our viewpoint character. It's just a hunch at this point, but...wait, what was that image in your fic's description, again?

hunter__haunted__alt_cover__by_wolframclaws_dcypwj9-fullview.jpg

Hmm...

116156

Oh. That's subtle. That's disturbing. I'm not sure if you were going for the medical scan similarities, but they are making my head gears grind VERY fast.

And also, this fic. It's starting to feel awfully real. I prefer analyzing media through Tolkien's applicability over lit-class allegory, and your fic is starting to gain applicability. Your protagonist here is going through some sort of illness, and in case you didn't listen to Samuel Coster's amazing speech, 1. go watch it now, and 2. this protagonist is mirroring the pain of a cancer patient, according to a cancer patient's testimony. Which means your fic so far is very dark, but it's dealing with topics that perhaps our society should be discussing further.

In other words, this is textbook good shock. But we haven't ruled out possible zombie Hitler (it could happen!), so we're gonna keep going.

The heat is stronger at my left leg. It’s so hot it almost burns. Whatever the reason, it should stop. I try to draw the leg away, but a swarm of aches pull on it with more force. The leg is tired. I force it to move. It hurts. Why does it?

Physical pain. Not mental illness. Something is horribly wrong. This is good shock.

Oh, and still not Mein Kampf. This joke is starting to feel in poor taste. I'm going to stop mentioning Hitler now.

My back isn’t the best, either. The higher part of it, along with my head, is leaning onto something uncomfortable, strangely shaped, hard-edged. The lower part is supported by ceramic tiles. I can recognize the texture by the way my sweat glues me to it. Ugh… sweat. Sweat, everywhere on my body. I’m not clothed. Am I safe?

Uh oh.

So, I was mentioning how your protagonist was going through severe physical pain as well as mental cloudiness. But this description reminds me off a paragraph from the revised prologue:

Ascension… it warms my heart to see my years of training and careful sacrifices finally bear fruit. Oh, the things I'll do once that moment comes. I'll definitely change form, for one, into something far more intimidating and powerful than just a human. Strong, agile, towering over the worms of this earth. Something with claws and teeth and a sharp-tipped tail to tear through flesh. It feels a bit childish to fantasize about it like this, but HE seems okay with it. HE says it's only good to keep the reward in mind for motivation.

The description doesn't match exactly, but if there's been some transformation into a more-powerful form, then your fic is starting to lose applicability. As you're probably aware, cancer (and other terminal illnesses, for that matter) do not make people stronger. They kill people. And your protagonist ain't dead. In fact, they seem very strong.

I might be jumping to conclusions. Let's keep going.

With shaking eyelids, I blink. The sweat gets in my eyes. I blink to squeeze it out. Doesn’t get it all. I need my hand.

More physical description. I think I know where this is going. So what is your hand, good sir?

I try to curl my fingers. Twitching, they obey. I contract my arm. It aches, but it works. I raise it to my face. Something red enters my vision. My fingers. Too much blood on them. I wipe them on my cheek, on the other, then they can be used.

Oh, you have normal hands. I mean, there's a little blood on them, who doesn't have blood on their fingers?...anyone? Just me? Huh. Weirdos.

Anyways, there's something else in this paragraph. The protagonist seems to more-or-less have control over their body at this time. And whatever pain they may be experiencing is no longer at the front of their mind. Again, this doesn't seem to be how terminal illness works. Which means you're losing that type of applicability. But again, let's not jump to conclusions, vengeful zombie Hitler (I lied). Let's keep going.

Rubbing the irritation away from my eyes, I bend forwards to sit upright. I take the hand away and see that my sight has improved. Still simply colors, but now they have shape. Oh, oh, I feel gravity. It’s strong. I have to support my head with my arms, bury my face in my palms. Eyes closed, I wait for my thoughts to clear, senses to sharpen.

The mention of gravity is a good touch. This person still isn't fully in control. They're struggling to fight gravity, and gravity is one of the most basic struggles on Earth. If they can't fight that, then they aren't in a good place.

Still, the fact that they seem to naturally be getting better is worrying. It doesn't feel "real", at least through the cancer vector. But that might not be the vector you're going for. Perhaps I'm witnessing a bait-and-switch?

At some point, I become a person. A man. A being interacting with his surroundings, not a mere slave to them. I finally dare to remove my hands, open my eyes, enter reality.

Many interesting things have happened very quickly!

First, we're getting hints that our protagonist isn't human. And using my meta-knowledge...was this the thing in the trash bag?

Second, whether the first is true or not, who are they? Their thought process in this paragraph seems to be alien, or eldritch, or something along those lines. And that's a near-guaranteed interesting perspective if it can be developed and expressed. I'm a little worried because you had trouble developing that perspective in the alternate prologue. But then again, the alternate prologue seems to have deliberately limited its shock value. And we don't have that restriction here.

Hmm...I need more paragraphs.

It’s a room. My room, my secret room. To my right, a fire has been lit, a bowl of water placed upon it. It’s boiling. There are also candles, a whole lot of candles around the space. Their orange glow illuminates the gray walls, the taupe bookcases, the floor… the floor has many colors, strange colors.

Mostly exposition. I went into this with some meta-knowledge, so the context clues of a ritual aren't really needed for me. But I have meta-knowledge, so I'll give this paragraph a slide.

Wait! What's that? Beige-red shadow, human-shaped figure, doesn't move, over there. The feet don't touch the ground, something keeps her up. Her?

Her, yeah. I know her.

"Know her"? You, uh, don't seem very concerned. I'm pretty sure "her" is a corpse, by the way. Might explain the strange colors on the floor.

As a refresher, I'm going to quote...myself!

Now, how can you develop a dangerously ill protagonist? I'm not the biggest expert on this type of stuff, this isn't normally my genre, but I think I know enough to identify two archetypes:

Archetype #1: The Sad, Insane Puppy. This is the protagonist who is just as innocent as they are insane. They can become a productive citizen of society if only their dangerous impulses could be properly treated. Thus, the audiences roots for the protagonist's reformation, or if treatment isn't available, then at least some sort of compromise; maybe an autopsy of how things went horribly wrong, or an inside look on how to prevent this from happening again. Examples of this archetype include Norman Bates himself, as well as this sad puppy:



Archetype #2: The Honest Crazy Person. This person's completely insane, but at least they're honest about it. They'll happily share their disturbed worldview for the audience's entertainment. And since they're completely insane, they don't need to worry about no decorum. Thus, we can have a honest conversation about taboo topics we normally wouldn't get to have. And while we might not agree with the methods, we might find ourselves agreeing with their goals. Biggest example I'm thinking of is Fight Club's Tyler Durden, but the classic slasher villain can jam in this slot if they're going after despicable people. Which they usually are.


It seems once again we have an Archetype #2 protagonist. Their lack of response to the corpse isn't socially acceptable behavior. But this time around, our protagonist isn't insane. They're alien. Their way of thinking isn't completely unrecognizable, but they have a perspective the alternate prologue protagonist lacked.

However! As you may recall, my issue wasn't with their perspective. It was with their lack of expression. Their worldview was kinda fleshed out, but since we didn't have any worldbuilding to compare it to, we couldn't get anything shocking out of their internal monologue. The trap has been set. Will you fall into it?

I jumped on her, drugged her, transported her here, came home and stripped her, washed her, fastened her to the board. I set up the candles, the bowl, the knife, everything, everything was ready. I waited for her to wake up, and she did, and then… then I looked at HIM.

...you just accurately summarized the entire alternate prologue with this paragraph, didn't you?

The deadpan, non-cocky delivery is an interesting tidbit, but this is mostly an exposition paragraph. Though considering it skips the entire alternate prologue, I'm not complaining.

I am, however, a little unsure of who our protagonist is. They were acting quite alien, so I was assuming they were the abomination in the trash bag. But this exposition describes Trash Bag Protagonist. My working assumption is that Trash Bag Protagonist has had their body altered through this ritual, and that might be messing with their perspective. And their perspective wasn't exactly all there in the first place. This might be the boost Trash Bag Protagonist needed to start incoherently babbling their worldview. Might. Let's see.

HE came and showed HIS acceptance and I felt… so happy. HE liked what I'd brought HIM. HE liked me. I was warm and at peace and I thanked HIM so much. Everything was good, everything was right. Then I… I… can't remember.

Loneliness! We got a hook! We got a hook!

Protagonist trash bags wants acceptance. And I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume the protagonist did at some point in their life make a honest effort to seek society's acceptance. And society rejected them, so they found someone else. And someone else has some very radical ideas.

This is a relevant subject today. And by today, let's see what's in the news today, shall we?

https://www.apnews.com/c4e76e6dd3684652b4e67751c6735c05 said:
Jury convicted man in Oklahoma City federal bomb plot trial
____

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — A 24-year-old man is guilty of trying to detonate what he believed was an explosives-laden van outside an Oklahoma City bank, a federal jury ruled Monday...

...Varnell had pleaded not guilty and his defense attorneys claimed he was entrapped. His parents testified that he is a paranoid schizophrenic who has been in several mental hospitals...

...During a 2017 meeting with undercover FBI agents, Varnell said he held “III% ideology” and wanted “to start the next revolution,” a reference to the “Three Percenters” patriot movement — begun in 2008, galvanized by President Barack Obama’s election — that has rallied against gun control efforts and pledges resistance to the federal government over the infringement of constitutional rights....

This was literally posted an hour ago as of the time of writing. It's only one example, but it's not a topic I have quotes or scientific papers ready for. But I think any of today's adults know of some tragic news story with a mentally ill radicalized person at the core.

And needless to say, it's an, uh, opinionated topic. It's not something you bring up at the family reunion, if you catch my draft. It's too taboo.

Shocking.

I, uh...I think I want to call this review here. I'm not 100% comfortable discussing the potential analogies here, because I'd need to do some serious research if I wanted to keep my review standards. I think it's a topic that needs to be discussed, and I applaud you for going there, but for me, as a reviewer? I'm out of my depth. I mean, I have political opinions, I read the news, but the potential analogies being raised are topics I don't have the mental reference banks for. And I'm teetering on the edge of political flame-bait anyways. I don't want to derail your thread with politics. Though, if I may say one thing: I appreciate how you symbolically tied dangerous ideology to cancer, even if the metaphor was a little back-and-forth reading through it the first time.

I went into this review hoping your bitter medicine wasn't being suppressed by shocked readers that didn't like the taste...but literally while I was writing, you seem to have changed my hopes. Your original prologue is now recommended, with an alternate prologue for the squeamish. You seem to have found a great compromise, and while I'd second your recommendation, I can understand why you kept the alternate.

And that Teen rating for the alternate prologue is perfect, by the way. While you're pushing the boundaries a little, that push might give it some shock value in and of itself. Something to surprise the squeamish viewer, while still easing them in to the darker story. Like I said before, the technicals are all there, so I'm sure the right audience will enjoy it. Me, though? Give me my medicine.

So, uh...probably should read your reply, now, huh? This review might have been redundant and pointless. But I'll wait for a reply before we get into that, if anyone wants to reply at all. Seems like we've gotten into, uh, a weird situation. I'll go read up on what I missed.

And maybe see you around? Because I'm totally going to be reading your fic now. Not sure how I should read it, original or revised. But I'm gonna give it a shot. Maybe do a compare-contrast review down the line, original v. revised, winner takes all. But that's for another day.

So, uh, good luck to your fic! I hope I didn't just make a fool of myself! More than usual, I mean. I probably did. Hope I was an interesting fool, at least.

Oh, and by the way: you didn't write Mein Kampf. Congratulations! You didn't fuck up. +1 brownie point.
 
It's unfortunate that you didn't have time to see my reply before posting, but such is life. Still, I think it's very important that you do read it, as I've addressed a lot of points still relevant after your latest reply. Please do read that one before this one, as I'll be writing this assuming you will.

And I distinctly remember the original prologue not being recommended.

I... don't know how, as I specifically tried to make it seem like the two options were equal, but maybe putting one in spoilers gave you that idea. I actually did that because MATURE readers can handle seeing TEEN content while they scroll down, but TEEN readers want to avoid accidentally catching glimpses of MATURE passages, you know? But now both are in spoilers either way, and I consider that a good change, so I guess it doesn't matter in the end.

Am I making The Room of reviews?

Well, you'll be glad to know you're close, but not quite. You see, on one other site I received possibly the most bizarre review on another story of mine - it clearly had thought behind it and the source material was read, but what was put on (digital) paper made sense only about 20% of the time. The rest were inexplicable references to media including but not limited to Dr. Phil and some obscure Korean dramas. Your Pink Flamingos comes close, but you were actually making a point with that, so -5 nanar points.

I, uh...I think I want to call this review here.

qué?

So... you didn't read the alternate prologue completely because you didn't feel hooked. Understandable, though slightly rude, but that's water under the bridge. But here you were hooked and full steam with the epileptic trees. And now you stopped because... your tangents were getting too political? You know you can just... not write those down? I too have had problems with something I could call compulsive honesty, but it's a very important skill to have to know when to stop, from both the perspective of others and yourself. It saves time and brings cohesion. There's a crucial difference between conservation of detail and being inauthentic and that's that the former is not something to feel guilty about.

I can't lie, it kind of hurts to have a reviewer stop in the middle of a prologue twice, even if the second time wasn't because the story was considered bad or anything. A much more understandable reason would have been that you realized I was replying and wanted to catch up on what I had to say without throwing what you'd already written completely away, but you didn't choose that to give as the primary one, at least.

Though, if I may say one thing: I appreciate how you symbolically tied dangerous ideology to cancer, even if the metaphor was a little back-and-forth reading through it the first time.

You know that meme about the blue curtains and the English teacher? This is kind of that. I didn't write that in, and while you're free to see whatever you see - that's the beauty of art - you probably shouldn't assume your interpretation to be the intended case without good grounds. I mean, especially when you didn't read the whole thing. Yeah, can't lie, still a bit miffed about that.

And maybe see you around? Because I'm totally going to be reading your fic now. Not sure how I should read it, original or revised. But I'm gonna give it a shot. Maybe do a compare-contrast review down the line, original v. revised, winner takes all. But that's for another day.

Double qué?

So you do want to keep reading? You do mean this as... reading the full chapters and not just the first few paragraphs again, right? Okay, that was maybe a bit rude. Prickliness aside, I feel like I need to warn you before you continue - this fic really isn't all that deep. It's got some stuff, maybe, but it's not a masterpiece. It gets pretty lighthearted at times, even. I'm not saying it's Dora the Explorer superficial, but I don't want you to go in expecting a crowning achievement in human artistic expression and coming out disappointed. I don't like playing this card, but it's a Pokémon fic. On a fan forum. It's not exactly the prime platform for mindblowing content. Could it exist on here? Absolutely, but I mean, I wouldn't expect it. I'd rather have people surprised positively instead of negatively.

Note on the original vs. revised, by the way: Revised is a work in progress and Original only has the chapters available that don't have revised versions of them finished. As the story currently stands, its beginning half is Revised and end half is Original, so a side-by-side isn't possible. I think the story could be read in its entirety in this state, but I don't recommend it, as I'd much rather have only Revised versions looked at right now and am only keeping up the Originals to keep the chapters' positions up in the thread, and for situations where I need to share a scene I haven't had time to revise yet. So if you do end up reading this story, I ask that you pause the read if there is no next Revised chapter yet. It shouldn't be a long wait, as I'm advancing with these last chapters rather quickly.

There may be a lot for us to talk about, but I sincerely ask you do read that reply I gave earlier before responding. While this entire conversation has been... interesting, I can tell you have viewpoints I could benefit from hearing. Just please do make sure to read notes more carefully in the future, okay? It's going to make discussion a lot easier for the both of us.
 
All right, I heavily implied a conversation, and I want my reputation to be "man of his word". Let's have the a talk!

First off, our most important contention:

oh yeah dabs what are you dabs gonna do about it dabs big boy dabs

This is you.

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2018/02/op-ed-youtube-cuts-off-logan-pauls-ads-but-neither-has-learned-their-lesson/ said:
Today, YouTube announced that it has temporarily suspended all ads on 22-year-old prankster Logan Paul's channel, cutting off what is estimated to be nearly $1 million in monthly revenue. The crackdown came after Paul pulled a live fish from the water to give it faux CPR as it squirmed, then shot a dead rat with a taser in one of the first videos after his return.

Paul had taken a hiatus from YouTube after he was rightly and widely criticized for uploading a video with a dead body he found in a forest in Japan known for its suicides. Initially, he returned with an apologetic video and a promise to change his ways and focus efforts on suicide prevention. Very quickly, though, he was back to his old antics.



You can dab all you want. The world is watching.

Besides, we all know the real way to win an internet argument:

argument_victory.png

Image credit: xkcd

Okay, now let's talk about stuff that matters. To prevent another behemoth post from forming, I'm going to try and distill your general points instead of responding to esch and every word. That is not something I'm good at, in case my quote-everything review style isn't enough of an embarrassing revelation. Feel free to dismiss anything I say on that basis alone.

Firstly, I know shock is a battle that can never really be won as, well, anything I could do already has a meme about it going around and isn't really that outrageous anymore. Pink Flamingos was probably very shocking for its time and environment, but all I can say upon reading your quote of it is "that's it? This isn't even Cannibal Corpse tier." (I respect its status as an iconic LGBT movie if that part's true, but it's not really relevant to the conversation at hand.)

About that quote. I actually censored it to comply with Bulbaforum's rules on shocking content. A quick search of "Pink Flamingos Political Beliefs" on YouTube should give you the full speech. It, uh, gets sexual.

Speaking of sexual, that poor chicken I mentioned...you know what, never mind. I've said enough. Also, do NOT Google that scene. Filming was definately illegal. Animals were harmed in the making of this film. Real animals. One take.

What can I keep in euphemism...uh, there's the scene where the guy goes around a park and, uh, "gives peaks" to random women. And then one of the women gives two peaks back, and then she gives a third peak hanging below. Yes, hanging. And, uh, it's hilarious, but I can't share it because nothing is censored. Nothing. At all. Feast your eyes on surprise pre-op trans if you dare.

Look, I can only share so much under Bulbaforum's content rules. Considering the "will I get banned for posting this?" context and what I hope is a reputation for research, I don't think it's unreasonable to give me the benefit of the doubt. Or, if you really can't get past this; do your own research! You can find a lot of cool stuff on the internet. Some of it isn't even porn! But either way, I spend time researching my posts; I treat others the way I want to be treated. Just don't dismiss my premise outright when I've got a metaphorical banhammer to my head. Please.

On a related note:

You do realize this also makes your claim on Pink Flamingos being a masterpiece unreliable, right? I don't really care either way in the end, but just pointing out this argument doesn't really work.

I think I assumed too much background knowledge here. I'm drawing mostly from gaming here, but review scoring is a controversial system, growing ever more controversial by the day. Start flogging IGN's review of Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explores of Sky around these parts to see what I mean (and a quick search reveals films are not immune). Most of the review press I follow is slowly abandoning scores entirely, which is making the places that do give and aggregate scores sketchier by the day. Not to mention review bombing, astroturfing...it's a complicated topic that overlaps with a lot of political crap, so research it on your own if you're interested.

Or: imagine if all your reviewers gave you scores with no context. Good for at-a-glance general (and lazy) sentiment, not so good for actual in-depth analysis. And that's about what you should take from a Metacritic score.

You know that meme about the blue curtains and the English teacher? This is kind of that. I didn't write that in, and while you're free to see whatever you see - that's the beauty of art - you probably shouldn't assume your interpretation to be the intended case without good grounds. I mean, especially when you didn't read the whole thing. Yeah, can't lie, still a bit miffed about that.

This is the part where I kill you. 90% of you, at least.

I'm a 90% believer in Death to the Author. That is; judging any media by it's intent is a bad idea, because the vast majority of the audience won't know its intent. That's the primary reason I like going into fics blind, and a good chunk of the reason I didn't read your first set of replies before posting the second review. And I did read your first reply first, by the way. I implied it at the end of my last review, and I'm a man of my word. Or a pathological lier, take your pick.

I'm not going to give a fully detailed take on Death of the Author, because that would need a full essay. It was published over thirty years ago, academics still arguing about it today. The short version is that I prefer a media literacy standpoint; namely, I use Stuart Hall's theory of encoding and decoding (link to timestamped video) when reviewing a work. While that doesn't excuse me if I'm interpreting blue curtains to be more than blue curtains, I do think what you as an author intend for (or NOT intend for) isn't necessarily that important. And there can be errors when putting thoughts to paper, resulting in reasonable, text-as-evidence interpretations you didn't intend.

For instance, this line from my second review?

Loneliness! We got a hook! We got a hook!

I got that out of your fic without reading your first reply. No idea of your intent. And then I read your first reply, and I saw this:

Why am I so keen on having people read my fic? Well, I'm very lonely and starved for validation. That's kind of the ugly truth here. But I don't want to mangle my art to achieve that. Then any pretty words given to me would feel worthless.

Now, I might be an English teacher rambling about blue curtains, but you might be a curtain maker subconsciously quilting their internal monologue onto blue curtains. And when customers show up at the Blue Curtain Factory, they're gonna have to decipher your blue curtains.

Or, in self-depreciating comic form:

communicating_2x.png

Image source: xkcd

In other words, that english teacher's rambling about blue curtains, but they're taking home a salary for it. You wanna stop blue curtain rambling? Put "English teachers are idiots" on the curtain. Maybe then the billing department will have second thoughts.

Or, in a snappy quotable: do, don't tell.

Now, if you want to make an argument that the text of your fic doesn't match my interpretation, that's a valid counterpoint. But I think we have some philosophical differences here before we can get to that point. I've heard you're pretty stubborn.

You'd be surprised to see how stubborn I've been in face of all that's been said. Hell, actually, you can tell how damn stubborn I'm being right now.

And I am happy for you to have different opinions! In fact, I, a doctor as in Dr. Phil, diagnose you with textual determinism! If I haven't lost you let (which, having read your other replies, I have), look into it some more. I'm not sure if it's exactly you believe, but I got a whiff of it while reading your replies. It might be a topic that's worth looking into, so you can smack reviewers down quicker and more efficiently.

Seriously, just in case this isn't clear enough; I write these rambling reviews at least partly for the benefit of the author. Whatever you believe, I enjoy watching you get deep into your own opinions. Even if I don't agree with them. Still, a lively "internet argument" can be draining, so I don't want to impose one on you. I've been wrong about a lot of things over the course of my life, and I don't want you getting stressed out because some doofus (me) is wrong on the internet. There's been a bitter tone I've been seeing in your replies, and that worries me a bit. Again, I'm wrong about a lot of things. I could be wrong right now! More on this later.

I mean... you say here you're gonna keep reading because you're a reviewer, but then stop anyway at the halfway point, despite the entire prologue being under 2 000 measly words. And I won't lie, it's kind of insulting, not bothering to read what you're critiquing all the way to the end. I could get it if it was an especially long piece of text, but... under 2k, man. That's barely half of an average chapter's length. If I couldn't get through a 2k word piece, I really wouldn't be confident in giving strong opinions, unless the text was explicitly offensive or something of the sort. I mean, hell, doesn't your reply by itself contain more words than you read of my text? It really feels like, with that energy, you could've at least skimmed the end.

There's a very specific reason why I "judge a book by its cover", so to speak. That's because I read very slow.

I have found the most fulfilling way to read is to pause and think constantly. At each line, I stop and ask myself; "what does this mean?" And in doing so, I come across buried meanings and subtext that may not be visible at a "normal" reading pace. Especially at the start of a story, when the central themes and plot direction are up in the air. Eventually, after careful analysis, I can start to build some momentum, increase my reading pace. But by the time I've built that momentum, I've already made a significant time investment. It took me between about ten hours to do these reviews, excluding breaks (note from future me: and this reply took another two three four five!).

Thus, I have to be picky. I need a hook, a reason to read, and I need it as fast as possible. Promises and possibilities can distract me for a little while, but I'm not going to enjoy fiction until I get a hook. I want something that will enrich my life, something that will make me a better person on the other side of that tunnel. Something that makes the hours I spend on this prose not better spent elsewhere. Because my time on this Earth is finite, and if your story isn't going to do anything for me, then why am I reading?

This method isn't something all professional writers accommodate (looking at you, Tolkien). But I believe it's the best, most fulfulling, most life-enriching way to read, and I can point to every single piece of media I've ever read as evidence. From the first sentence of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (a description of the Dursleys ending in "thank you very much", thus establishing their snobbish archetype with a single showing-not-telling sentence) to the extremely gimmicky pronoun usage in this dumb serial killer novel a relative recommended (frames all their sentences around the word "you" to indicate obsession, only the people he's obsessed with are stereotypical snobby rich girls I couldn't care less about), to the heck'n posts made on this very forum (a positive greeting goes a looooooong way), to my own username (Pokémon forum so it probably relates to Pokémon, Pokémon has a tier list, but that tier list doesn't factor in snuggle-ability. Thus, a commentary that tier lists are all built with subjective aims, making any tier list unobjective by default) If I'm five paragraphs in and all signs are pointing thataway, then I'm reading the signs before I sink another 10-15 minutes.

And for the record, when I write reviews, I tend to be even more lenient with word counts. I still have a limit, but it's stretched because my goal's no longer entirely self-enrichment. It's the author's enrichment, it's other reader's enrichment, it's the public at large's enrichment, and so I tend to be more lenient in case there's a hook waiting around the corner. But once I start to sound like a broken record, once I run out of things to keep my mind busy, then I start to lose it. I get snarky and cynical just to keep myself entertained, and those kinds of reviews aren't helpful to anyone. And if I were a professional, if I were being paid to review prose, then maybe I would have the motivation to power through to Chapter One. But I'm not being paid, I don't like being cynical and snarky towards anyone but myself, and so I just can't get over that hump. Call it a failure, but it's a failure I'm happy with. Because for every fic that "gets better", there are so many that don't. They just don't. I got a life, man. My reviews take long enough as it is.

It's kiiiinda fucked to hear I don't doubt myself enough when I'm already massively insecure, just saying.

I have three words. But I need you to say them with me:

Fuck other people.

Now, who are you speaking of? From your personal perspective, who does "other people" include?

Me!

Yes, I am, in my capacity as a random no-nothing on the internet, would like to remind you that nothing I say from the safety of the reviewer's couch should be taken 100% seriously. That's because I have no idea who you are or what your life experiences may be, because from your perspective, I'm just some random stranger. And if you want to take what I say seriously enough that it's hurtful hearing my criticism, well, I'm flattered you find my opinion so important. But if it's coming at such a high cost, then may I recommend three simple words?

Fuck other people.

Think of them as a last resort. The nuclear option when responding to nobody strangers on the safe-and-comfy reviewers couch, people that "just don't get it" because they've fucked up. You don't even need to tell them to fuck off! You don't even need to be angry! I don't know you. Other internet strangers don't know you. Us other people are going to step on your toes sometimes, because we're idiots who fail at basic human decency (or maybe just have different life experiences, if you're feeling generous). And seeing passive-aggressive replies instead of, say, you laughing at my dumb ass and ignoring me isn't moving me to give a direct apology. It isn't making me angry, or sad, either. It makes me worried, for you.

I don't like leaving you without constructive criticism. But I think the criticism needs to come from within. Think about why you're here, why you're writing this fic in the first place. Don't wait for reviews to doubt you. Doubt yourself. Don't change what you believe if you don't feel the need, but spend the time to test your beliefs. Justify them, not to random reviewers on the internet, but to yourself. And for all I know, you've already done that! So put it in your fic. Be proud of it. Be so proud, put it in the first paragraph. Hell, put it in the opening line. Be honest. Be blunt. Be shocking. That's what the Mature rating exists for, it's why people read Mature fiction in the first place. 'Cause even if they don't agree with it, they'll at least form a reason why. And then they'll have taken something from your writing, and then they'll have a reason to read. A hook.

I'm sorry. One of my lesser-known goals as a critic is to make myself easy to brush off, so that people don't take me so seriously that we get to this point. That's the end goal of all my self-depreciation and incompetent bumbling. I am a stranger, from your perspective at least, and you have no idea if I'm some sort of pathological lier who's acting out because of daddy issues or something. And the fact all this didn't come across when it was clearly needed the most is at least partially my failure.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd rather not take complete responsibility for your feelings. I don't want to get sucked down the hole of obsessively worrying about (from my perspective) random strangers on the internet. It's something I've tried before; it does not end well for anyone involved. Including you. Especially you.

Seriously, fuck other people.

With that in mind, I think I want to get some distance from this conversation. Sit and think somewhere with no internet connection. Maybe sit by a lake, watch a sunrise, go down a waterslide. I wish you the best; may you not die in a fire. Maybe die when you're like 100 and solved world peace. But no fires. Definitely no fires. Fires are bad.
 
I do think what you as an author intend for (or NOT intend for) isn't necessarily that important.

In an art analysis? Sure. In a review, though, and one intended to be constructive at that? No. One point of a review is to evaluate how well the story has been put forward, and it includes analyzing whether what was likely intended really succeeded, and whether that should have been intended in the first place.

Death of the Author is a thing, sure. We don't need to focus on the implicit homophobia and racism in Lovecraft's works, we can focus on the fear of the unknown - which actually kind of is what leads to bigotry, anyway. But both of those interpretations you can go and find and give grounds for and have them hold up in face of the whole stories. Whereas your cancer interpretation would fall apart completely once you read on and found out more of the context.

Now, if you want to make an argument that the text of your fic doesn't match my interpretation, that's a valid counterpoint. But I think we have some philosophical differences here before we can get to that point. I've heard you're pretty stubborn.

That's exactly the argument I want to make. The text contradicts your interpretation wildly. Had I only written the paragraphs you read, your interpretation would be as valid as any other, but the fact stands that a story is a continuum (unless you're dealing with some real postmodern shit). This needs to be accounted for, and this is why stories should be read and considered in the chunks (chapters and the like) the author presents them in. The location of chapter breaks, in the end, are part of the story and the art, as changing them also changes meanings. A cliffhanger is only a cliffhanger if we cut to something else, if the hanger gets saved right after it does not count as one.

I'm not faulting you for being slow to read. People have different paces, and that's okay. But the fact just is that, if a reviewer doesn't finish what they're reading before giving their opinions, what they write is incomplete. Untrustworthy. As a consequence, usually non-constructive. And with this point in mind:

Seriously, just in case this isn't clear enough; I write these rambling reviews at least partly for the benefit of the author.

You do want to help people with your reviews. But the unfortunate fact is that you're more likely to confuse and undermine the confidence of writers if your reviews are based on only a fraction of the material or, additionally, false assumptions. Is my story really so unbearable that it can't be read through? Did I accidentally strongly imply something I didn't want to, and everyone else has just been quiet about it? Is my entire way of thinking wrong? Doubts such as these, sensible or not, are likely to arise and gnaw at the author's psyche.

I'm sorry. One of my lesser-known goals as a critic is to make myself easy to brush off, so that people don't take me so seriously that we get to this point. That's the end goal of all my self-depreciation and incompetent bumbling. I am a stranger, from your perspective at least, and you have no idea if I'm some sort of pathological lier who's acting out because of daddy issues or something. And the fact all this didn't come across when it was clearly needed the most is at least partially my failure.

Alright, so, as a fellow self-deprecator I can say you definitely do have that going on, but something really contradicts it, whether you intend it or not and probably don't. These replies are massive compared to the usual reviews. A one-line troll comment is easy to brush off, but when someone invests up to, like you said, ten hours into saying something, it definitely sends a message that this "something" is considered important to say. That in itself makes it hard for anyone to just brush something off. A real person somewhere thought it was worth ten hours of their time, so by golly, it must be important.

My thoughts have been kind of all over here so far, but as you're planning on taking a breather, I should say what I want to say now clearly. It's okay not to finish reading something, but one should think very carefully if they really should post about it in that case. Authors - not just me, I'm confident the attitude is shared by many - will consider it a dismissive act to review something "without giving it a fair chance". Furthermore, some communities can consider it a violation of good will, something even rule-breaking, so there may be actual on-platform consequences to keep in mind. To sum up: if a chapter can't be read all the way through, it's okay to move on to something else without commenting on it.

I will say that I've gotten something beneficial out of this, and that's certainty of that the alternate prologue really sucks compared to the original one. I don't want to present crap to my readers, so I'm already considering ways to bring over more of the original's strong points to the alternate.
 
I've cleared my head, and I want to continue the conversation. Without going over 1K words (not including quotes). Because this:

A one-line troll comment is easy to brush off, but when someone invests up to, like you said, ten hours into saying something, it definitely sends a message that this "something" is considered important to say. That in itself makes it hard for anyone to just brush something off. A real person somewhere thought it was worth ten hours of their time, so by golly, it must be important.

Is 100% right. I could argue "huge analysises (analysi?) could be result of writer stroking own ego" or something, but I brought up Death of the Author. I don't have much grounds to dispute bad messages getting across.

However, this:

Authors - not just me, I'm confident the attitude is shared by many - will consider it a dismissive act to review something "without giving it a fair chance".

I think is the source of our differences. Because I believe a "fair chance" is "the first word, and more if you haven't lost the reader." People judge books by their cover, and as a reviewer, it's my duty to inform you of how your fics are read. Because if no one's reading your story, does your intention matter?

One point of a review is to evaluate how well the story has been put forward, and it includes analyzing whether what was likely intended really succeeded, and whether that should have been intended in the first place.

I don't agree with this. That's why I prefer "reviews as I read", as it gives you insight into what's going on in a no-context reader's head. Because I believe most readers have minimal-to-no context.

The location of chapter breaks, in the end, are part of the story and the art, as changing them also changes meanings. A cliffhanger is only a cliffhanger if we cut to something else, if the hanger gets saved right after it does not count as one.

As someone who uses a bookmark and who (unfortunately) has to interrupt their own reading due to life, I think a good chunk of readers don't have the luxury of stopping at intended breaks. So me stopping before finishing is, for better or worse, representative of at least some of your readership. And for me, personally? Reviews that inform me of how my readers are reading are the most helpful of all.

We're in opinion territory, though. I'm basing my opinions on how people read stories, and I don't have scientific studies to pull from. I feel obligated to mention "don't bury the lede", an advice column published by the MLA (yeah, the people your English teacher was uppity about):

Erika Suffern said:
The idea of leading with a lede can be extended to types of writing other than journalism. Putting your main point at the end of a long sentence asks readers to hold on to the other ideas in the sentence until they reach the lede. If you habitually bury the lede in your sentences, you may eventually test the patience of your readers.

I extend this concept to whole works of fiction, based on my personal experiences. And you probably have different personal experiences than mine, or perhaps expert opinion I'm not aware of.

Thank you for all your replies. Every quote. Every opinion. Even the negative ones. Especially the negative ones. You're the first person to not fall hands-over-knees to my reviews, and that's made me much more aware of my personal biases. And everyone I review from now on will be better off for it.

I'm not sure how we could extend this conversation, but if you want, I'll keep going. Thank you. You've helped me a lot.
 
Well, I'm glad we've both found something to benefit from this conversation in the end, despite its rockiness. I just have a few more points to address.

I think is the source of our differences. Because I believe a "fair chance" is "the first word, and more if you haven't lost the reader." People judge books by their cover, and as a reviewer, it's my duty to inform you of how your fics are read. Because if no one's reading your story, does your intention matter?
As someone who uses a bookmark and who (unfortunately) has to interrupt their own reading due to life, I think a good chunk of readers don't have the luxury of stopping at intended breaks. So me stopping before finishing is, for better or worse, representative of at least some of your readership. And for me, personally? Reviews that inform me of how my readers are reading are the most helpful of all.

Bookmarks, I'd argue, are different. Readers understand where they stopped isn't the "intended" stopping point and they know there's more to be read. A reader stepping away from the book is like a movie being paused, while a chapter break is an intentional fade to black or another transitional element of the like. But that's pretty much a tangent by now, so let's get back to the meat of things...

It can be helpful to let an author know their story didn't engage you, but it's hard to give constructive advice if you don't know what elements the story has to it that it could use to its advantage. If an author receives vague feedback they don't know what to do about, it's unlikely to weigh out the discouragement they receive from having a chapter walked out on. The further in you read, the better you understand the source material and what it's trying to accomplish. Consider Happy Tree Friends. Say you've heard this cartoon is shocking, so you start an episode and watch a bit to see what the fuss is about. But you only see cute animals wandering around being happy - you're not seeing any shock. Do you assume, at this point, that there is no shock at all and whoever told you there was must have just been crazy? Do you happily put it on for your four-year-old cousin to watch? You probably don't. However...

I think I'll call it here. Hunter, Haunted isn't shocking, because it fails to provide any sort of rebellion against societal norms. It depicts characters that willingly refuse to conform to society, but it doesn't make their positions in any way desirable or respectable or even detailed.

While I can tell you that the alternate prologue doesn't get much more shocking from where you left off (which was the point of its existence, really), it could have. Mr Garbage Man could have been run over by a truck for all you know and replaced by a completely different protagonist who'd shock your socks off. But here we have the line "Hunter, Haunted isn't shocking", which assumes that not only is the prologue lacking in any kind of shock, but the entire 72 000 word story is. That's a pretty bold assumption.

And then look at how much more "shock" you found in the original (despite not even reaching the passages everyone was reacting to, which was surprising for me). That could have been any following chapter to the alternate prologue.

(yeah, the people your English teacher was uppity about):

I'm actually not from a primarily-English country, so no, never heard of those folks. Ylioppilastutkintolautakunta, though, that was the merciless god we worshipped. And while I'm on the subject of sharing random information about myself, I'm not a sir. I'm not terribly bothered by being called one - it's just inaccurate.
 
Looks like we can milk this conversation a little more. And it's a humbling conversation, so I'll keep it up.

But here we have the line "Hunter, Haunted isn't shocking", which assumes that not only is the prologue lacking in any kind of shock, but the entire 72 000 word story is. That's a pretty bold assumption.

That's me fucking up. While I do believe I should've included the line, it should've been given more context. AKA "Based on what I believe to be this fair sample, I predict Hunter, Haunted isn't shocking. Or something like that. I expressed my beliefs on losing readers as they read and how reviews should account for that, but I probably should've worked that into the review itself. I took it as a truism when it ain't; I need to disclose my biases. Early on, too, in case you don't agree with them. Then you have grounds to dismiss the premise and thus the whole review, if my style ain't your thing.

Consider Happy Tree Friends. Say you've heard this cartoon is shocking, so you start an episode and watch a bit to see what the fuss is about. But you only see cute animals wandering around being happy - you're not seeing any shock. Do you assume, at this point, that there is no shock at all and whoever told you there was must have just been crazy? Do you happily put it on for your four-year-old cousin to watch? You probably don't.

True, but I accounted for that:

And if your primary aim was to shock people, then I'd think I'd have seen it by now. Unless you're setting up a The Lottery type twist, which you might be. But if that was the case, then I'd expect something softer to start off with. Maybe a formal party, or some children playing in a field. Then the idealic scene slowly morphs into something vicious, exposing the crappy ideals that got us here. But we're starting with some creepy dude dragging a trash bag, so I don't think a shock twist is in the making.

I mentioned I only believe Death of the Author 90%, and this touches on the other 10%. If a piece of media has a widely-accepted reputation, then blame's on the reader if they deliberately ignored the reputation (or the author, if they presented their work where its reputation would not be widely known). I knew your fic, rightly or wrongly, had a reputation for shock. And since the disturbing levels were already high, I don't think you'd cause shock from a protagonist fake-out. You need something pleasant, like cute cartoon animals or a town getting ready for a celebration. Thus, I felt pretty confident in my prediction, though that still doesn't excuse me mislabeling a prediction as fact.

Oh, and you mentioned not coming from an English-speaking country (another bad assumption I made), so just in case it wasn't in your curriculum: The Lottery is a short story commonly assigned in English classrooms. You're assigned to read it, so you have to read everything, even though it seems like more boring school study lit. And then, it isn't. And then you reread for the reading comp questions, and then you see all the hints dropped early on and realise this story had only one possible conclusion, almost as soon as it started. Literal textbook example of foreshadowing. It's an experience I thought was universal, but again, not a good assumption to make. We do not all live in English-speaking countries. Though this is an English-speaking, so cut me a little slack.

It can be helpful to let an author know their story didn't engage you, but it's hard to give constructive advice if you don't know what elements the story has to it that it could use to its advantage. If an author receives vague feedback they don't know what to do about, it's unlikely to weigh out the discouragement they receive from having a chapter walked out on.

Wait, what?

It can be helpful to let an author know their story didn't engage you, but it's hard to give constructive advice if you don't know what elements the story has to it that it could use to its advantage. If an author receives vague feedback they don't know what to do about, it's unlikely to weigh out the discouragement they receive from having a chapter walked out on.

Aw, man. I thought we had each other figured out. "Vague" is not something I would call myself as a reviewer. And I did think I had a grasp on what elements your fic could leverage (the protagonist's worldview, the possible merits of shock, some applicability to reality).

That said, I'm done presuming things. Could you clarify this stance for me? As in, what specifically was vague, and how? And what elements might I have missed? You're a blunt type of guy, so I think I could get a lot out of this. If you have the time, I mean. This conversation's turned into it's own beast. Might need to be put down.

Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into today?

Past me, you have no idea.
 
Oh, and you mentioned not coming from an English-speaking country (another bad assumption I made), so just in case it wasn't in your curriculum: The Lottery is a short story commonly assigned in English classrooms. You're assigned to read it, so you have to read everything, even though it seems like more boring school study lit. And then, it isn't. And then you reread for the reading comp questions, and then you see all the hints dropped early on and realise this story had only one possible conclusion, almost as soon as it started. Literal textbook example of foreshadowing. It's an experience I thought was universal, but again, not a good assumption to make. We do not all live in English-speaking countries. Though this is an English-speaking, so cut me a little slack.

Absolutely never heard of this story. And you probably don't know a thing about Tuntematon sotilas or Seitsemän veljestä, which are books assigned to be read in all Finnish gymnasiums (closest equivalent is high school in the US) without exception. They're basically as iconic as Huckleberry Finn or Catcher in the Rye for English-speaking classrooms, or that's what I've been able to gather through osmosis. Seitsemän veljestä was among the first Finnish novels ever written and realistic novels at that, and it got massive shit during its time, so bad that its creator basically lost his sanity. Tuntematon sotilas was an extremely influential work for a country still suffering from the scars of a bloody civil war, but one that had the recent wars with the Soviet Union freshly in mind. Nowadays Finland is among the most stable nations out there, but Tuntematon sotilas still managed to make me understand just how terrible war and especially its unhealthy idealization is. I cried non-stop for the last 100 pages. It's a basic bitch pick, but I'd definitely consider it my favorite book. Great writing, great characters, great undying quotes. But not an universal experience, even though I wish it was.

The closest thing to a surprise twist story I've read in Finnish class was Kafka's The Trial, which was among a list I could pick from. And the twist is that, despite only being around 200 pages, it's the slowest fucking book on the planet. No, it's actually that it's slow and mundane as hell for the first 98% and then the protagonist gets ritualistically slaughtered in the end. True to its message, sure (except the part where Mr K shags every woman he meets without trouble, completely destroying the point of him being an everyman), but extremely grating and boring. Should've picked Don Quixote instead, would've had a way better time.

Aw, man. I thought we had each other figured out. "Vague" is not something I would call myself as a reviewer. And I did think I had a grasp on what elements your fic could leverage (the protagonist's worldview, the possible merits of shock, some applicability to reality).

That said, I'm done presuming things. Could you clarify this stance for me? As in, what specifically was vague, and how? And what elements might I have missed? You're a blunt type of guy, so I think I could get a lot out of this. If you have the time, I mean. This conversation's turned into it's own beast. Might need to be put down.

I guess I fell into the trap of being vague myself. I'd say that was due to me trying to keep the advice at a general level, not really "here's why what you wrote wasn't good" and more like "here's why doing that will likely not be good in future situations".

Looking back at your initial comments, they're not really as vague as I remember it being, save for the parts on shock and hooks - I'm still not really sure where your line of what's shocking and what isn't goes or what really hooks your interest, as you picked the oddest part to be hooked at in the Original Prologue in my perspective. You were more concrete on the other parts. I guess it just felt like you weren't giving advice on how to make what I was going for work, that being slowly revealing things, but said I should go with giving everything in the beginning - but now I know you think a slow reveal can work, as you liked what you saw in the Original.

I think we've kind of devolved into nitpicking each others' arguments at this point. We probably shouldn't advance until we have more material to discuss, that meaning you reading further on - if you still plan on doing that, that is. In the meantime, I think I'll try to figure out how to improve the Alternate Prologue. I do want to try out that manifesto approach now, as it's not really out of character for the protagonist, anyway. I'm still not attempting straight up shock, but I am going to attempt a hook in this guy's worldview, maybe get people interested in how this guy gets through his daily life with these terrible opinions? I dunno, still not sure what really makes a hook or catches a reader. What usually makes or breaks a story for me is the writing style, but as every reviewer keeps telling me I have that all figured out, I need to focus on other merits, clearly.
 
@canisaries
Hi there! I'm here from the Review Game, and I've decided to take a stab at reviewing the Alternate Prologue for your story here. However, as I began reading it, I made another decision... I'm going to go ahead and review the Original Prologue, too. I'll be directly comparing the two with each other, which should hopefully give you a unique perspective as to how this particular reader felt about how one prologue did things vs. the other, and which one was personally more effective for me. I'll add a disclaimer that this is actually the first review I've written for a story on this site, so please bear with me if my review writing style isn't as refined or as descriptive as I'd ideally like it to be right now. Nonetheless, I'll promise to do my best to give you a helpful review. Now, with all of that said, I'll begin below.

As mentioned earlier, I read the Alternate Prologue first. The main emotional response that I got from all of it was, well... that it was actually kind of funny, honestly. Of course, the core subject matter of sending a murder victim to be sacrificed to an evil god in an arcane ritual is a pretty horrifying concept on the surface. But in practice, the Alternate Prologue doesn't really seem to take this subject matter all that seriously most of the time, instead reading more like a dark comedy that pokes fun at Red's bad luck in actually getting his dead victim to this ritual (especially with that Murkrow, a pretty successful example of how to make something extraordinarily dumb yet extraordinarily threatening at the same time). And when Red's not dealing with that, we get to hear him casually throw out terms like "Judgment Day" and "the Bringer" like they're completely normal things for the average person to say. It's really only near the end of the Alternate Prologue that we get much of an idea about what drives Red beyond simply wanting to ascend to godhood, and although I'm tempted to say that this feels just a bit tacked-on compared to the lighter tone of the rest of the prologue, I don't think it's as much of a problem as I would've initially thought; it's pretty clear that the jokes are over once Red starts doing the less-than-funny work of erasing the evidence of what happened earlier.

Now, as to how all of the above affects the prologue? Well, it's complicated in my case. As far as sheer entertainment value goes, I can definitely say that I had a lot of fun reading the Alternate Prologue, particularly on the first read (more on why that's important later). You see, there's something that tickles me about the idea of someone just strolling through the streets on a sunny morning like: "la la la, don't mind me, just getting away with murder." Although if I do have to be a little more objective about it, it did kind of stretch belief for me that absolutely no one noticed a guy walking around with a giant plastic sack on his back, or that absolutely no one was outside to possibly discover what was going on in the first place... and in the middle of a sunny morning, no less! You'd think that someone like Red — who I imagine isn't having his first experience with disposing of a body here — would've tried a less risky time to try to get away with bloody murder... but I digress. It's not something that completely destroys suspension of disbelief for me — and maybe I'm missing something that actually makes the morning sound like a more sensible time from Red's point of view — but it's something to consider nonetheless... other readers may have less tolerance for something like that.

Now let's go over to the Original Prologue. It's... most certainly worthy of its MATURE rating, that's for sure. It's bloody; it's gory; it's squicky and disturbing... and on my first read — which was in isolation from the Alternate Prologue, if I remember correctly — I honestly found it too much so, not in the sense that it was inappropriate for the subject matter, but rather that it was simply difficult to stomach at times (no pun intended, given its role in all of that blood and gore... ick!) And yet, all of that is also arguably the best part of the Original Prologue. It's precisely because it's so bloody, gory, squicky, and disturbing that it ultimately works so well; as unfitting as it may be for preserving a reader's sanity, it's completely and utterly fitting to depict just what it takes to become a god in this universe... especially when said universe's existing god (or one of them?) is a very obviously evil god. With all of that considered, it honestly makes the Alternate Prologue feel kind of toothless in comparison... especially when you consider the actual nitty-gritty of the rituals themselves. One ritual, for instance, requires tossing a dead sacrifice into a magic circle and then watching it disappear without a trace, while the other requires offering a sacrifice stripped naked on a board to your god, then getting possessed by said god, and then finally literally eating the sacrifice alive while under said possession, all with your bare hands (and teeth). One of these is probably a more fitting ritual for an evil god than the other... can you guess which one? :p Now, I do think that the Alternate Prologue could work well in isolation as a one-shot, since there would be nothing to connect it to or compare it with. But with both prologues existing here, it's difficult to critique the less-bloody-and-gory Alternate Prologue in a vacuum when the Original Prologue strongly suggests a tale of murder and sacrifice of a very bloody and supernatural nature. And in that context, the Alternate Prologue, while again very entertaining, doesn't seem to fit the overall story as well as the Original Prologue does... or to put it another way, it really does feel like an "alternate" prologue, fit more for an alternate version of the story itself.

Now, I'd like to take some time to talk about the blood and gore in particular because, let's face it, that's probably going to be the elephant in the room for a lot of people reading the Original Prologue for the first time and wondering what to make of all of it. Even with all of the extremely dark subject matter of this story in mind, I'd imagine that there's going be a threshold for just how much blood and gore that any individual reader is going to be able to take in one go. And in my case, that threshold started showing itself around the halfway point, when Red really starts going into detail about his victim's current state, and what he starts doing to her body even after everything that's already happened to it. Basically, once you start getting lines like: "HE ate the flesh raw," you pretty much have a good idea about how Red and his god do business. And past that point, all of the blood and gore begins to feel repetitive at best and gratuitous at worst... or at least, I didn't exactly have a burning desire to experience any more of it. Although I will say that the fact that Red seems to be nowhere close to as disturbed about everything as the majority of readers (myself included) would be, and in fact apparently seems to be enjoying much of it to some extent, does show just how much of a (possibly insane) sociopath he really is.

Speaking of Red, it's abundantly clear that this is not the same Red that most readers of Pokémon fanfiction are used to seeing... almost to the point where one could wonder if he can really even be called Red at all. Perhaps one way to connect them, though, is how unusual they are by the normal standards of society. In canon, we have a ten-year-old who, after conquering both Kanto League and the Pokémon equivalent of the Mafia, spends years on top of a mountain waiting for someone to challenge him, all but abandoning the world in the process; here, we have a barely adult servant of an evil god for whom empathy and control over murderous (and possibly cannibalistic) urges are clearly not strong suits of his. They're both far removed from the average person, but in very different ways. Now, one could argue that Sociopath!Red, based on what we learn about him here, is nothing particularly mind-blowing as far as fictional portrayals of sociopaths go, but in any case, I don't really think that matters too much here... it's a characterization that's appropriate enough for the story being told so far. And in the wider context of Pokemon fanfiction as a whole, it's certainly novel to read about a version of Red that's not the ultimate badass legendary trainer that the fandom has made him out to be, but instead a rather miserable and run-down outcast who turns to murder and sacrifice in the name of an evil god to find any sense of meaning and satisfaction in his life (or at least, that's how I read him here).

So, I think that's about it from me. To summarize: I think that the Original Prologue is ultimately superior to the Alternate Prologue, based on my perspective from this very early point in the story. The latter is entertaining and unexpectedly hilarious given the subject matter, but I feel that the Original Prologue is a better actual introduction to the apparently very dark story that awaits in future chapters... likely in no small part because its mere existence hints at said darkness. If the Alternate Prologue was the only prologue here, or if it was explicitly made into something like a one-shot within some larger universe, I'd probably have a different opinion about that... but in the here and now, that's my impression. As for Red... again, he's not a supremely unique or fascinating depiction of a sociopath by himself (although he's interesting enough to catch your attention and carry the story forward, certainly), but directly comparing him to what most readers would expect Red to be does make for a very surprising experience, and kind of makes you want to learn more about him. How much more interesting he becomes on his own merits, I think, will depend largely on where the rest of the story takes him... and I'd certainly be open to reading more, even after experiencing all of that bloody backstory, haha.

Hope all of this was helpful for you!
 
Hallo, Canis! Glad to finally be reading and reviewing the big one, as it were. This review is a comparison of both versions of the prologue as per your request, and serves as your Review League points reward. I hope you'll find it useful.

First off, notes on the original prologue.

I've seen this very thorough, very sensory sort of description from you before, particularly in Vivarium. You're pretty good at it, but I personally don't go in for it all that much. It's so detached and precise, and of sufficient length, that I find myself impatient with Red to come to his senses. By the time you wrote Viv I reckon you'd become more practised at tone and word choice. Some examples of slightly awkward word choice: "then they can be used" rather than "so that I can use them" feels much too passive and doesn't quite fit the tense, and "candles, a whole lot of candles" feels like the wrong register for the context. I also personally prefer to use plain language without good reason - "heart" rather than "pump at my core". Might just be taste, of course.

Red feels like some Objectivist asshole when he talks about being a slave to his surroundings. He's romanticising himself literally just looking at things because that's just how sophisticated his mind is, I guess? His motivation actually is much clearer than I'd expected, when he realises Helix possessed him and becomes ecstatic. It's borderline hedonistic, with strong undertones of some kind of attachment-related personality disorder. The "terrified of being miserable" thing isn't showing through on its own, but I can see how it ties in. Very odd to have the very colloquial "gonna" and "pretty much" in the same breath as "an evil god assumed control of me to murder someone".

"I sure am glad my dark god didn't make me eat the stomach, it'd smell bad" is a truly incredible bit. Brand new thought, gotta be 100% unique in all of fiction. Cannibalism very nicely implied, and I like that Red is calmly disturbed that the meat was raw because of pathogens. Also the decision to place an empty jar with the tongue jar collections. Red's psychology is, while disgusting, interesting in its specificity. I do think this section drags on a little, though. Brevity is an important quality, and you (and Red) are very thorough. I don't doubt this could have been cut by about 20% just by judicious trimming.

Lastly, I think that a paragraph or two of prosefic introduction to the character would go a long way, considering how big an ask it actually is for people to first read up on TPP and then also adapt to the murderous interpretation you have going. I've been wondering about it, and I've decided I advocate that. The chunk of prose could be common to all your Redfics, honestly, just a couple hundred italicised words of narrated background.

Now for the alternative prologue.

The opening descriptive stuff is nice, and I like that Red is disposing of a body on a lovely day, but "Gods, getting away with murder is so easy." is the catching line. Something like that as the opener would do well, imo. "And if they still disagree, I’ll just make them socially unconscious. Haha. No, that wasn’t funny." is very nearly very good, but I think needs a tiny tweak or two. Maybe "Then if they still object, I'll make them socially unconscious. Haha! Nah, that's not that funny." Might just be me. I also quite like his silent bickering with the murkrow.

Not much to comment about on the technical level. "A few more bird mon’s tweets" should probably be "mons'". Word choice sometimes a little odd. "Eradicate" the evidence seems off. Maybe "vanish"?

This one makes clear Red's goals and motivations quite well — I feel like some specificity might help with the motivation part. Not so much clarity as something to show why it's such a big deal for him, to just exist in the world as he is. Some particularly human, mundane experience that's miserable for him. The final lines are good! Real creepy vibes, setting up the haunting pretty well. Looking forward to that, now.

Comparatively, I think both prologues have something to offer. I'm glad I read them in the order I did, as it feels sequential, so there's something to be said for having both available. There wasn't actually all that much overlap, so it didn't feel like filler. I reckon I'd recommend the alternative prologue generally, as the original has a degree of indulgence in overt gore that consumes too much attention relative to the character stuff, and the new one was an easier read, but that's not the same as saying that it was better as such. I did enjoy both, and to be honest, Red's so fucked up I'm not even registering his activities on the same level I do for characters I get angry or disgusted at. I'm still not completely sure what reaction you hope people to have to Red, but mine right now is a sort of bile fascination.

I hope to have future reviews done in a more timely fashion. I appreciate your patience on this. Cheers!
 
HAPPY GODDAMN BIRTH, CANIS.

Here's the review for chapter one.

Overall, I can see both what you're going for with this one and why some readers might find it sluggish. I've been introduced to the domestic side of Red's life and how he interacts with the mundane world, and his derangement is both disturbing and darkly amusing. It's successful in providing info and entertaining me, and for the most part it's well-written in purely prosaic terms. It also neatly and unnervingly introduces the key element of the plot, namely the yamask.

I think there are several ways it could be improved, however. Firstly, the prose could be much punchier, as it does tend to belabour a point. Also, it's a highly introspective chapter, with Red contemplating his difficulties and frustrations when they could be demonstrated and understood through observation. Lastly, some of the comic delivery could be improved at least to my subjective tastes. I'll elaborate somewhat as I comment on specific parts of the chapter!

So I'm only playing it safe. I'm not doing anything wrong. Got that? I'm not doubting HIM, I'm doubting my own ability to be stealthy enough. I'm being rational.
This is fun. Wilful self delusion and framing a lack of murder as a failing is pretty much the essence of Red's best narrative presence.

This body has to be maintained.
I find it interesting that he thinks of his body as a kind of meatsuit or asset, and not as himself. Guessing that's Bringer bullshit.

I can't get a job.
Janitor? Groundskeeper? Firewatch? What an asshole.

High School for Humans
Can't tell if this is its real name and this is because of species segregation, or he's not identifying as human.

The reaching hand curls up into a fist.
Feels like more meatsuit vibes, but I had to read it twice to understand. Maybe either do "my hand curls" or "I curl the hand" depending on whether you want to emphasise detachment from the being in control or detachment from the bodypart.

a tone almost authoritative.
You use this adjectival structure a lot. Idk if it's deliberate, or an artefact of writing in a second language, but its frequent use reads oddly to me.

To me, days of late spring have always felt the prettiest. The sunshine is warm, but the air is still cool. Nature finally shakes its grogginess from March and April, fully awakening to blossom. It’s a celebration of life in all its forms - plants, animals, wild mon.
His appreciation of nature almost makes me want to sympathise with the bastard. You know, I bet you could soften reader aversion to Red by having him fantasise about killing litterbugs and other obnoxious pricks.

Should… should I pick the bad brand?
It goes on a bit, but this is a great way to show Red's internal attachment conflict.

“Sir?”
Okay so, this only pulls us out of Red's fantasy. I think if the line was the cashier giving Red his total or asking if he needs a bag for that it would contrast more effectively. Rather than implying possible concern by the cashier, it just shows that Red's murderous daydreaming doesn't register and can he just pay for his fucking groceries, please? That's funnier, to me.

I have, indeed, seen that woman. In fact, I was the very last person to see her, not to mention the last person she saw. Who else could it be but Joanna?
This whole line is superfluous. The reader can guess who it is.

He clearly didn't expect that. But I need to know.
Different tenses in the space of a sentence. Think I spotted a couple other examples of tense inconsistency. Besides this and your odd adjectival syntax, your technical quality is excellent.

Ghost types must be involved somehow…
This is just a very odd line. Why's that, Red? I'd prefer if he just made an implicit link, like "it looks surreal. Not like any living thing." and the reader gets to work it out.

And that's a wrap. I hope some of my musings will be helpful to you, or at least of interest/encouraging. All that aside, did I enjoy it? Actually, yes! It got a couple chuckles out of me, and I'm intrigued enough to keep reading. So, I'll see you next chapter, Canis!
 
Hello again, Canis! Here's your second league prize review for the time being.

So, this one introduces yamask!Joanna properly, and Michi for the first time. Michi is pretty cute. Too bad I already know what happens to her! I've got the same general impression of your prose as in the last chapter — technical proficient, characterful, often more painstaking than is necessary. We also have a new complication for Red and another implicit murderous goal, so long as there's a risk of Michi exposing him. Good stuff. Still interested in reading more. As we discussed, I've taken the opportunity to do some demonstrative editing on an early passage this fic. I hope you'll find it helpful. Of course, if you prefer the original version to what I've rendered, then I totally respect that.

Specific notes:

this time red dicks around in a forest.
Read this incorrectly the first time around, lmao.

almond-shaped eyes
Referring to food when describing people is generally a no-no. "Almond eyes" is a classically... controversial phrase used to describe Asian faces. I'd change this if I were you.

Why? How? Of all the people in the world, why her? [...] I’ll destroy it just to be sure.

This section is a good example of something that would probably benefit much being much shorter. As you said recently you were okay with it, I'm going to do an aggressive edit below and you can see what I have in mind:

Why? How? Of all possible faces, why hers? She'd been nothing special. She hadn't come back just for me, or this mask would surely have lured me more effectively. Maybe its face depends on the observer? Something they fear? I don't fear Joanna, but seeing what might be her spirit is unsettling. If it truly is her, then someone else could find the mask, realise what happened, discover my secrets…

This could be an illusion. A ghostly trick, a lucid dream, a hallucination. This feels real, but so do unreal things when you're dreaming, right?

Even so, I should watch it, learn more, stay hidden — and destroy it if I get the chance. Just to be sure.


My edit shrunk the wordcount from 189 to 118, which is 62.5% of the original total. (I recently had to shrink a short story of mine from 3200 words down to 2000, and that happens to be 62.5% of the original value too. An amusing coincidence.) Let me know if you think anything is lost in my edit.

Yeah, that’s nice and all, but who are you, exactly? Why are you in the woods by yourself, and why near a graveyard of all places? Most importantly, who are you helloing to?
I realise that the faux-second person narration is just Red's thoughts, but because it is literally the narration, without italicisation or anything, it feels disruptive. "Who is she, exactly?" would serve just as well.

less see-through
"Opaque"

“This is cool. I’ve never met a real yamask before.”

She attempts to approach the creature - yamask, as she called it -
You could just say she attempts to approach the yamask. Red learning the name can be seamless, and doesn't need to have attention drawn to it.

I hate spiders.
I like that Red has a mundane squick like spiders. I feel like mocking him for being so perturbed by such single-minded and successful predators.

“Feminism, clearly.”
Lmao. Red really is such a prick. I think this joke lands, but I'm already more familiar with you and Red and this sort of humour than a first-time reader. If you wanted to make it more solid, maybe you could have his narration be like "People have such unfair double standards. If I hit a girl it's a big deal, but if this kid hit me nobody would care." This bit with him arguing with Michi drags on a little in my opinion. It seems she wants him both to stay to explain himself and to leave her alone, and he has no reason not to walk away despite sticking around for a whole conversation, which feels contrived. One of them should be maintaining the contact while the other tries to force separation, in my opinion.

The skip from Michi's place to Red's secret room is a little abrupt only because the chapter was otherwise continuous for almost its whole length. Still, it does serve as a good cap for the chapter, such that we're reminded how fucking sinister this prick really is. I expect I'll move on to the next chapter pretty soon, hold me to that! Cheers, Canis. Til next time.
 
So, this one introduces yamask!Joanna properly, and Michi for the first time. Michi is pretty cute. Too bad I already know what happens to her!

Don't think you've got it all figured out just yet! There are more twists and turns on the way than you know. Much like in a digestive tract.

As we discussed, I've taken the opportunity to do some demonstrative editing on an early passage this fic. I hope you'll find it helpful.

I did, and thanks for doing it!

Referring to food when describing people is generally a no-no. "Almond eyes" is a classically... controversial phrase used to describe Asian faces. I'd change this if I were you.

Changed it, and the mention in the original prologue which this one was actually mirroring. Now it's "deep-set", which is actually more descriptive and identifying now that I've thought about it, because in the end just about all eyes are more or less "almond-shaped".

This section is a good example of something that would probably benefit much being much shorter. As you said recently you were okay with it, I'm going to do an aggressive edit below and you can see what I have in mind:

I've changed it to a kind of hybrid of what you had and what I had, and it has a length of 124 words. Think it works a lot better.

You could just say she attempts to approach the yamask. Red learning the name can be seamless, and doesn't need to have attention drawn to it.

True, although this information is pretty important to Red and he will have to specifically remember the name to search for it in the next chapter, so I feel like drawing attention to it is fitting.

I like that Red has a mundane squick like spiders. I feel like mocking him for being so perturbed by such single-minded and successful predators.

Oh you just wait.

Lmao. Red really is such a prick.

Ah yes, one of his signature gamer moments... I will confess that the conversation is a bit skitty (not the pokemon), having Red and Michi trying to out-sass each other.

Thanks for the read and review, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter. It's got more going for it than this one, which is probably the shortest of all the story's chapters.
 
-I like the imagery. Despite the fractured style of writing, it still paints a pretty vivid picture
—The style of writing is interesting, but it fits the story

-I only have a minor understanding of Helix, yet I understand the HIM and HE, but someone completely out of the loop would be confused. A minor introduction to Helix or an explanation of what is being referenced in the opening could help. Obviously, it is some kind of god, but I don’t know if that is enough.

Hell of a mess to clean up, but I can’t lie, most rituals do end up requiring a session with the mop afterwards.
-Seems a bit out of place. Its an entertaining jest, but I don’t know if it fits with the style/tone of the story. I would look for darker humor, if any at all

The entire front of her torso, neck and lower face is basically torn off, showcasing the organs, muscles and fat that didn’t end up on the floor or... inside me, I guess.
-Is this an indication that he may have eaten part of her?
--So further reading indicates that he did eat her, but I am confused why his thoughts would jump to that because there is no indication that he had done so before.

On proceeding to the limbs, I unfortunately have to acknowledge that the straps normally holding down the arms and legs by their bases have been broken, as well as the strap for the neck. I’ll have to replace them. It’s not the only damage done to the board, but the rest is luckily restricted to superficial scratches on the wood. The straps for the ankles and wrists are perfectly fine. That’s good
-This indicates that the sacrifice struggled quite a bit (unless HE did the damage to his own disciple's sacrificial equipment), yet you said earlier that she had been drugged

As I stumble to the door, I scan the floor with a sorrowful eye. There were probably some organs there I still could’ve sold if I was fast to freeze them and offered a discount. Gods, they’re not gonna be happy that I gave them that blood to test but no organs in return. I’ll deal with that then, though - for now I have my health to worry about.
-This seems a little out of place as well. It makes sense that someone who sacrifices bodies on a regular basis would do something with the remains, but it doesn’t really flow with the rest of the story.

Very solid opening. Throws the reader straight into what is happening. Not too confusing because of your set-up before the story and well-written so that even the disturbing portions are palatable.
-Since we are in Red’s head (though I don’t think you mention a name in the Prologue), I would expect a little more motivation as to WHY. Obviously, he wants to be the Bringer, but is that a conscious decision? Something he doesn’t understand?
-Also this is a Pokémon Fanfic, where are the Pokémon?

Chapter 1

They've knocked out targets with the help of a spore-soaked rag
-I feel like this is a place where you could incorporate Pokémon. Paras helps him put his victims to Sleep?

-A good early look into Red’s mindset of the events and giving a time frame really help get the reader going to start the chapter

-Why does he have to sacrifice women?

-Fonz is nidoking? Its not clear.

-I had a lot more difficulty following this chapter because the writing style doesn’t lend the best to multiple characters interacting. I had difficulty figuring out who was doing what or speaking, ect.

“No, you can’t talk me out of this,” he says. “You've skipped it too many times. I'm gonna come home at ten to three, so you better be there.”

“Oh, also,” Abe begins, interrupting my thoughts. “I’ll come pick you up with a taxi at ten to two.”

-The times are different
--And Chapter 2 re-emphasizes ten to three

-Red’s motivations seem mixed. Obviously, I don’t know the whole back story, but is he upset only by the fact that HE stole his last sacrifice or is it deeper, longer rooted than that?

-The chapter raises a lot of questions, but I am hoping that most of them get answered as the story goes on. Try not to pose too much information that will just end up hanging and isn’t relevant to the primary story

-Red’s thoughts against humanity do a good job to set the stage for what HE is trying to do. It gives good insight to the ‘cult’ that Red belongs to and is serving.
--You also provide some interesting insights into the plights of humanity. Even if Red is brushing them off as being above them

-You haven't given a lot of backstory which makes it a little difficult to push forward with the story. I know that the whole world is set-up elsewhere, but that doesn't mean you can't sprinkle in pieces of information to help clear up things for the uninitiated reader
--Wild mon vs. free mon, what is Tohjo?, do people believe in other gods? There is a lot that you could add in while Red is moving from place to place since a lot of the filler is just Red walking to a grocery or a graveyard, ect

-If Red is going to therapy, then people are aware of his existence, so why isn’t he being made to attend school?

The man pulls himself together. “She’s my sister. She’s been missing for a f-few months now.” His voice breaks, just a little. “She moved to Pewter some time ago, for her studies, but… we already looked there, so…”
-You said that the sacrifice was a few weeks ago. Is it a different woman or are the times mixed again?

-Red has no Pokémon? Obviously this isn’t manga canon, but I find it difficult to believe that he isn’t even a trainer. Or do trainers even exist with free/wild mon? I have difficulty fathoming that world

Chapter 2

Library it is, then. Oh, but first I should drop off the groceries. The straps of the backpack are starting to chafe, and the milk and such are probably getting warm. So home first. And I better keep the pace quick - those two might find out something new while I’m gone.
-This is actually a very important passage because I had kind of forgotten what had gone on in the last chapter.

-This was a good chapter in pushing the plot forward and I hope it moves forward a little more quickly now. You have introduced characters and revealed a bit of what you hinted at in the prologue, but nothing has happened yet.

-The pacing for the story is very slow. You started with the intense aftermath of a sacrifice and since then….we know nothing more than we knew before the story started.
--Red is a bit sadistic and the Yamask will become Joanna. That is all I have really gotten from the plot so far.

Characters
-Michi is very believable for the world that exists. If she is an orphan that lives in the woods occasionally, I would expect her to be a little more rugged, but her personality matches the age and the circumstances. She also presents a good opposition for the single-mindedly, sadistic Red with her show of innocence and toughness.

-Red is the character that he needs to be for the story. Seeing the world through the eyes of someone with his mindset is interesting and gives a lot of insight into what HE and HIS cult/religion are. I know writing from first-person isn't the easiest, but you do a good job of it. I would like to see a little more dictation used for world building

-omanyte doesn't have any personal characteristics and we don't know much about it, except what Red thinks. And Red's thoughts are focused on his contradictions about it and how he thinks he is supposed to handle it, so we know nothing more about omanyte than it is important to HIM.

-We haven't seen much of anyone else except brief cameos. You give Fonz/nidoking a bit of a personality with his jacket/voice, try to be consistent when the character returns. Abe, we have nothing except a physical description and how Red feels about him. Even Joanna, who I am assuming is a major player in the story, as a brief description in the Prologue of her appearance and nothing more, even after her appearance as Yamask.

-You don't really have a plethora of characters, which is fine, but I feel like you did more character building for Michi in one chapter than you did for the self-narrator in three. Red could be doing a lot more for the story with his dictation, but sometimes you get hung up on little details that don't really lend much to the story.
 
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Thanks for the read and review! Glad to hear you like it enough to continue even further.

-I only have a minor understanding of Helix, yet I understand the HIM and HE, but someone completely out of the loop would be confused. A minor introduction to Helix or an explanation of what is being referenced in the opening could help. Obviously, it is some kind of god, but I don’t know if that is enough.

Well, in this part of the story (and one could argue that even for all of it), the only necessary information is that there is a god who Red serves in hopes of achieving omnipotence, and that this god is the kind of god that likes human sacrifices and cannibalism - hence not a very good one. The morals and teachings of this god are revealed by Red in his way of thinking over the course of the story.

-Seems a bit out of place. Its an entertaining jest, but I don’t know if it fits with the style/tone of the story. I would look for darker humor, if any at all
-This seems a little out of place as well. It makes sense that someone who sacrifices bodies on a regular basis would do something with the remains, but it doesn’t really flow with the rest of the story.

I see where you're coming from, but I'm not sure if I agree. I'd say more practical or innocent remarks do become dark as they're juxtaposed with darker content, showing the protagonist to be desensitized to his horrible acts.

--So further reading indicates that he did eat her, but I am confused why his thoughts would jump to that because there is no indication that he had done so before.

Hm, well, that's kind of intentional to show that he knows cannibalism is part of the ritual. He's done it several times before and so is also familiar with the equipment including a bowl of water meant to cook the flesh, a part HE skipped. Around the start, a "full, heavy stomach" is also referenced, meaning Red knew something had been eaten and put together what it was based on the context.

-This indicates that the sacrifice struggled quite a bit (unless HE did the damage to his own disciple's sacrificial equipment), yet you said earlier that she had been drugged

HE actually did damage the equipment, not being a very caring god, but also knowing Red's fully capable of fixing it. I think I may have had a line of Red being annoyed at that in an earlier version, but it was left out of this cut.

-Since we are in Red’s head (though I don’t think you mention a name in the Prologue), I would expect a little more motivation as to WHY. Obviously, he wants to be the Bringer, but is that a conscious decision? Something he doesn’t understand?
-Also this is a Pokémon Fanfic, where are the Pokémon?

Well, the answer to both would be in that the scene is meant to be very in-the-moment. Both Red's motivation and mon show more of themselves later on.

-I feel like this is a place where you could incorporate Pokémon. Paras helps him put his victims to Sleep?

They actually are Paras spores, but using an actual mon would be less convenient. They can disobey, fail in execution of a command, fall asleep, faint, make noise at inappropriate times and possibly even snitch on the trainer. I can add in that they're from Paras, though.

-Why does he have to sacrifice women?

That actually makes me wonder if I ever specified that in the story... it's both a tradition for HIS pleasure and a way of proving one isn't bound by morality or taboos, allowing them to commit acts like torture, murder and cannibalism. The victims being women draw from the traditional belief of women being more potent triggers for protective instincts. May be sexist, but as mentioned, a cult like this hasn't got much respect for ethics.

-Fonz is nidoking? Its not clear.

-I had a lot more difficulty following this chapter because the writing style doesn’t lend the best to multiple characters interacting. I had difficulty figuring out who was doing what or speaking, ect.

Fonz is the nidoking, yes.

I personally don't find the dialogue hard to follow, so I'm not sure what caused that for you. Can you give an example of an unclear part?

-The times are different
--And Chapter 2 re-emphasizes ten to three

Aauugghhh I thought I fixed and triple checked this after someone else pointed it out way back but I guess some slip-up still stayed.

-You haven't given a lot of backstory which makes it a little difficult to push forward with the story. I know that the whole world is set-up elsewhere, but that doesn't mean you can't sprinkle in pieces of information to help clear up things for the uninitiated reader
--Wild mon vs. free mon, what is Tohjo?, do people believe in other gods? There is a lot that you could add in while Red is moving from place to place since a lot of the filler is just Red walking to a grocery or a graveyard, ect

It's been hard to find the right amount of exposition that isn't too intruding but is still clarifying. I suppose I could have some mon citizens pass Red by and have him ponder about it.

Tohjo is a bit hard to explain naturally, as it's the word I use for Kanto and Johto collectively (named after the waterfalls on their border). "Tohjoan" also means Japanese when it comes to ethnicity, as no "Japan" exists in this world, much like "Unovan" is later on used for Caucasian (which of course isn't New York specific, but Caucasian tourists are usually assumed American).

-If Red is going to therapy, then people are aware of his existence, so why isn’t he being made to attend school?

Good question. The answer is that my own country actually does not demand education higher than comprehensive school (which is basically grade school + junior high). Since my own country's public sector is the one I'm most familiar with, I've used it partly as basis for the one of Kanto. Red used to be in high school, but dropped out, and based on that system, he isn't legally required to go back.

-You said that the sacrifice was a few weeks ago. Is it a different woman or are the times mixed again?

The times are mixed again, my bad. It should indeed be "weeks" and not "months".

-Red has no Pokémon? Obviously this isn’t manga canon, but I find it difficult to believe that he isn’t even a trainer. Or do trainers even exist with free/wild mon? I have difficulty fathoming that world

So as you've pointed out, my setting is a bit odd with sapience-capable mon but training and battling is still existing. When I made these decisions, I didn't expect to go into fanfic so seriously, but nowadays I'm kind of too far in to retcon stuff, so I try not to go too deeply into this stuff since the solutions I've come up with would take a bit too long to explain and distract from the things I want the story to focus on.

Technically, Fonz and the omanyte are Red's Pokémon, but Pokémon that show enough sapience can become free citizens (though maturity laws still apply). Before that, they're legally either like pets or protected wildlife. Red also had other Pokémon under his trainership during his journey, but they've all either gone their own way, been released back into the wild or died.

Again, thanks for the feedback!
 
I'm back again, and about time too. And this time... it's Samson in the spotlight? The buff Arcean guy? The very same. Here's an extra chapter, never before seen, rated teen for violent imagery. Enjoy!

---

EXTRA
The Woodsman


---​

Its breath stinks. It's like Eli's breath and the reek of his vomit rolled into one.

But I just have to keep breathing it in - if I stopped, my arms would stand even less of a chance at keeping the beast's maw away. They're already near their limit, trembling as the hands push against the dark monster's bristly snout and chin.

The beast doesn't care. Its yellow eyes have yet to look away, let alone blink. Slimy saliva drips down its jagged teeth and pools in its mouth. Its lungs continue to pump out that nauseating gas. Is it actually toxic? As if this creature wasn't deadly enough…

I'm not gonna win this battle of strength. I should flee before my arms give in and the beast sinks its teeth in me. I just need to find a place to --

Mary? Mary! What are you doing here? Get away!

She stands a few meters away, eyes wide in terror, which I can understand well - this thing is scary even for Dad. But she needs to get away now! I've seen what this monster likes to do to little girls, and I couldn't bear seeing that happen to Mary… Arceus, please, let us get out of this alive!

"Daddy…"

The beast's ears perk from Mary's whimper. It pulls back and turns its head to her.

"No!" I yell. Mary, what have you gone and done? I would've ran in just a moment and led the beast away! You should've waited and fled then! No, you're only a kid… I shouldn't demand strategy like that from you… but if only you'd…

The beast slides its tongue across its teeth and turns the rest of its body to Mary. Its tail whips, audibly splitting the air. No, you stay away from her!

"Hey! Over here!" I scream at the monster, desperate for it to face me again, but it's deaf to me. I have to get to Mary. I have to shield her --

A powerful strike of the beast's left horn to my chest cuts short my leap forwards. It throws me onto my back. The landing is painful, though not nearly as much as the impact, which I think may have broken a rib or two.

But that doesn't matter, no pain matters, I have to get to Mary, Mary --

I catch her in my sight. The beast already has her in its claws. She screams and it's terrifying - I can feel her fear and so much more on top because the beast opens its jaws and --

I'm somewhere else.

Dark. Soft. Blanket, pillow… I sigh. It was just a nightmare.

I check my left. Laura's fast asleep, her long brown hair in a bedhead. Good, I didn't wake her up by thrashing in my sleep or anything…

I rub my forehead. It's sticky from cold sweat, just like the rest of my body.

Should I try falling back asleep? I don't wanna sink back into that dream, and lying here feels pretty gross… I think I'll get up for a bit. Dry off, maybe get some water… anything to calm down my racing heart.

As quietly as I can, I lift the blanket off myself and get off the bed. The alarm shows 3:54 in orange digits. Figures. I slip through the bedroom door into the upstairs hall. The bathroom's to my right, but there's something else I want to do first.

To calm my paranoia, I open the door to Mary’s room. She’s in bed, sleeping soundly like Shaymin in her grotto. See? She’s fine.

No need to bother her anymore. I don’t want to wake her up just because Daddy had a silly dream. I close the door as carefully as I opened it and enter the bathroom.

Having washed up, I consider going back to bed, but… I just don’t feel sleepy. I should tucker myself out. But how? I don’t want to wake anyone else up, including Eli, who is much more alert… Maybe I should take a walk outside. Nights this time of year are pretty and pleasantly cool. Seeing the world blanketed in darkness might help my brain realize it’s sleepy time, who knows.

This plan requires sneaking past Eli, though… heck, I’ll try it anyway. He can’t hear everything, can he? And he falls asleep so easily, he can take naps on command. That settled, I creep downstairs, avoiding the worst of the squeaky steps. Each whimper under my feet makes me cringe, but I’d be surprised if they were loud enough to wake Eli.

Downstairs, all that remains is to sneak through the entrance hall and out of the door. Eli’s bed is nearby, in the living room. We've told him it looks like we’re treating him as a feral, but he insists on it to 'guard' the house… Eli, it's not a son's job to guard his family. That should be mine. Or rather the locks’.

Turning the corner, I catch sight of him. As expected, he lies motionless, curled up under the blanket. If it weren’t for the white crescents of his horns, I wouldn’t be able to make heads or tails of him in this darkness. Behind him lies the fireplace, long unlit. I should light it again soon. It would delight everyone. We’d need firewood first, though, as the basket is nearly empty. I should chop some. Actually, why wait? Chopping wood is both tiring and productive.

I make it to the door without Eli stirring and lift the keys off their hook. To pocket them, and to keep off mosquitoes, I take a jacket from the coat rack as well. I slip my feet into a pair of worn rubber boots. Now comes the hardest part…

I twist the knob and nudge the door open. The hinges creak and the frame clacks, but slowly, slowly... I keep still and check Eli. He doesn’t move. Maybe this only seems louder in the silence. I open the door just enough to fit myself through and close it with equal care. Whew. Mission successful.

The air is cool and clear. The streetlights provide just enough light to see ahead with relative clarity, all I currently need. Gentle gusts swirl in the trees while wildlife of the night chatters and chirps, certain sounds less pleasant than others. But a croak is a poem to a murkrow, as the scripture says - there's beauty beyond human preference.

I circle to the back yard and unlock the shed without worry. There's much more room for noise out here. Even for chopping wood, though…? I'm starting to see a fatal flaw in this plan. Well… I guess I'll try to chop quietly, then? Is that possible?

Ah, no worries. It's not like I got anyone's hopes up. I only really need to give myself something to do.

The logs feel dry as I carry a few of them to the chopping block. At least they're not damp and so harder to cleave. Now for the axe…

I lift it out from its usual crevice between the wall and a box pile. As I bring the axe outside, the light hits its head and glimmers on its metal. I find my left hand on my throat.

I sigh and pry it away. My throat is left feeling vulnerable, but I can’t keep feeding that habit. It’ll go away faster that way.

I tried to keep yesterday’s events from my mind as best as I could, but now I’m just in too deep to escape. I can’t block the image of that kid and his knife so near my throat. I was so close to death. Everything could’ve ended with just one mistake. Not even a mistake. That kid was so unstable, so crazed that he may have done it without any reason…

At least I had the comfort of seeing him cured. After the exorcism, after he’d woken up, he was back to his senses. I didn’t get an apology, but I can’t really blame him if he didn’t properly remember what had happened. And he did apologize earlier for being rude at the bus stop… though I don’t know if that was part of his just trying to get away from me.

But it’s not his behavior towards me that’s got me this upset - some people are hateful in their ignorance, that’s just a fact. What he did to me was just the tip of the iceberg…

To actually get some firewood chopped, I shake the thought just long enough to move back to the block, set up a log and do some practice hacks to see how quietly I could do it while still making progress. Settling for the best result, I keep hacking at a steady pace, replacing the log with a new one after finishing. That chopping as background music, the events of the exorcism replay in my head.

The chapel that appeared around me, regally decorated to a ridiculous extent. The corpses on the floor - the policewoman and a copy of myself, both robed in bloodstained white. The kid in front of me, on the board… he was only a head and a bloody blanket of skin dangling from his neck, but somehow still alive. And absolutely horrified.

Then I heard screaming. I turned around, and saw… that thing.

Our Lord wants us to respect all mon, no matter how unsightly they may seem. I agree, but it simply couldn't have been a mon. Not even a kind I'd be unfamiliar with. It was a demon.

I hear the front door open. Shoot, did I wake someone up after all? There are steps… they sound like paws. Eli, it seems. Soon enough, the houndoom peeks his head around the corner of the house.

"Oh, there you are," he says, walking closer. "Knew it was you by the scent. What are you doing?"

I sigh. "Had a bad dream and couldn't fall back asleep. Thought I'd do something useful. Sorry for waking you up, tried my best not to."

"Nah, it's okay…" He sits down next to me and leans his neck against my leg. He's warm as always. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Eh…"

He stares up at me. "Was it about what happened yesterday?"

Looking back at his puppy eyes, I can't bring myself to lie. "Yeah…"

"You gotta talk about it, Dad. If you don't, we can't comfort you right."

"But I don't wanna worry you. I don't wanna give you nightmares too…"

He playfully bumps me with a horn. "Hey, come on. I'm a big, bad houndoom. I'll burn any monsters right up."

“Alright,” I sigh. I set the axe aside and sit on the chopping block. “But you have to promise me you won’t get scared.”

“Pbbt. I promise.”

“Okay.” I pause. “So how much do you know about what happened to me yesterday?”

“Well, I know you met the guy who was rude to you the other day and that he held you hostage,” he says, voice lowered as he knows that must’ve been frightening to go through. “And that you figured he was possessed and then, after the police got you safe and arrested him, you exorcised him. That’s about the extent of what I know.” He shuffles closer. “But I can tell there’s stuff you aren’t telling, even if it’s just talking about how you felt...”

“Yeah... it’s true. There’s more to it.”

I pet Eli’s neck, feeling his silky fur, and position myself more comfortably. Which admittedly is hard on what's essentially a tree stump.

"You see, when I met him," I begin, "he had the word 'exorcism' carved on his hand, but insisted on keeping it hidden from me and told me not to call anyone. I figured that maybe this was the spirit in control, not wanting their cover blown, but what happened later on really didn't add up.

"When I'd called the police and tracked the kid down, he still wanted me away, but once he got me trapped with the knife… he ordered himself to show the pages of a certain book. Apparently, he couldn't see anything but blank. But that doesn't make sense if the spirit was in control - only spirits should be able to make illusions like that… unless the kid was psychic, and I could tell he wasn't. And then he said that if whoever he was talking to didn't show the pages, he'd kill me. 'And I know you don't want any more people to die,' he said. Any more. That sounds like there were people who did die. But the police didn't say anything about murders or so."

"Is that what you're hung up on?" asks Eli. "That there may have been murders the police don't know about?"

"I wish that was the extent of it," I sigh, "but it only gets more complicated from that point on. You see, after the police showed up, the kid suddenly froze. He started talking to 'himself' some more. I don't remember what he said exactly, but it really seemed like he was talking to the spirit with stuff like 'why are you showing yourself' and 'they'd help you out of me'. Then he suddenly swiped at thin air with his knife, and that's how the police managed to get it away and save the situation."

"Huh… so how about the exorcism?"

"That's the key component. That ties into the nightmare, too, actually."

Eli stares at his side, unmoving. Before I can ask, he spits a small flame onto himself, then blows something burnt off.

"Mosquito," he says. "Sorry. Keep going."

Well… alright, then. I clear my throat.

"So I made an agreement with the police as a licensed exorcist and we went to the hospital - through the back, to the spiritual operation room. The kid was brought in soon after. He seemed even worse than before, especially after he was strapped down and I'd started the exorcism. He was yelling something unintelligible, convulsing and even screaming in pain at one point. It was really unsettling, but I did my best to keep performing the exorcism. And then… the weirdest thing happened.

"Towards the end, with only a few lines left, the room changed around me. This happens sometimes - since the exorcist gets close to the possessor and the one possessed spiritually, he can witness ongoing illusions or be given one himself - but the illusion I saw was very odd. Usually they’re pretty straightforward, just general scary stuff or replaying some past event, but this one was very surreal.”

I describe the scene to him - the chapel, the bodies, the kid on the board as just a head - though leave out the most brutal details. He’ll get the gist without them.

“Then I heard screaming. I turned around and I saw this… huge, monstrous creature,” I explain. The memory of its vicious stare still makes me shudder. “It was kind of like a mix between a tauros, an ursaring and…” I sigh. I don’t want my son to think there’s anything wrong with him.

“A houndoom?” Eli completes for me. There’s no resentment in his voice, but my nod is still reluctant.

“It’s okay, Dad, I don’t mind,” he says. “I know humans just naturally think my kind is scary-looking. It’s not your fault for having instincts. At least yours doesn’t make you wanna smell others’ butts.”

I snort and give him a scratch behind the ear. “Yeah, yeah...”

“So, what happened then?”

“Well, there were more robed people in the room, and the monster was going all out on them,” I continue. “The were pretty much no match for it, and they all fell. There were some mon too, an arcanine and a magneton trying to protect the humans, but both ended up losing as well.

"And then there's the thing that really upset me… against the wall, there was this little girl, just a couple years older than Mary, and the beast went for her next. It..."

I pause. Eli can say he can handle whatever I say and look at me with those curious eyes all he wants, but I'm taking creative liberties with this part.

"The beast knocked the life out of her," I continue. "I'd finally had enough at that point and just closed my eyes. Then I remembered that I was still in the middle of the exorcism, so started on the final lines. I tried to block out any sounds around me, but one caught me off guard - someone yelling 'stop, stop'. I had to see what it was and opened my eyes. It was a ghost, a yamask, in the mouth of the beast. She was looking straight at me, terrified.

"But I couldn't stop. I had to go on to free the kid and to free the spirit, who probably was the one I was staring at. I figured she must have thought the exorcism I was doing was fatal - which it wasn't, of course, so I ignored her for the time being and said the last remaining line. But… she yelled something over it, right before the beast ate her whole. She said… 'he killed me'. Twice."

"Did… she not explain that before she left, then?" asks Eli, oblivious. His innocence really twists the knife in my heart.

"She…" The bitter squeeze on my throat makes it hard to speak. "She didn't make it," I finally get out. "Something interfered as she was leaving the body. Later on, someone suggested it was this marking carved on the kid's wrist. Looked like some witchcrafty stuff, apparently… I had no idea."

"...Oh." Eli leans onto me. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah…" I take a deep breath. "But, you know, I tried my best, and I couldn't have known, so…"

"Yeah, it's not your fault. You only tried to help."

“And she’s in a better place now. I’m praying for her.”

“I’ll pray for her too.”

I rub Eli’s neck, and we stay like that for a few seconds.

“So...” he starts, “what was the nightmare like?”

“Ah, well, not too complicated. The beast was there, and it was going for me and Mary… I woke up pretty quickly, but still made me feel lousy. I mean… I think I’m kind of over it now, as I know it was just a dream and that couldn’t happen in real life since the beast was just an illusion. But the other stuff…”

“Like what the kid said and what the spirit said?”

“Yeah. And what I saw in the illusion. Where did it all come from? I was the only Arcean in the room in real life, but the illusion had an entire chapel with everyone in robes. And the possessed kid… why was he just a head? What was the beast all about? If it was made by the spirit, why did it eat her? And who was that little girl?”

“Did you talk to the possessed kid after all this?”

“I did. I explained what happened, but apparently he didn’t remember anything.” I rub my forehead. “It’s totally possible for victims of possession, but I’d really want answers…”

“Do you think he could be lying?”

“He could - I mean, it could just be because he doesn’t want to remember or think about what he went through, but he could also be hiding something to cover himself. I mean, the spirit spoke of a ‘he’. What if that really was him? What if he was the one who caused her to die? Who exactly did I save?”

Eli stares at the ground in contemplation. I join him in his gravel-studying until he speaks up again.

“Are you sure there was only one spirit?”

“Huh?”

“What if there was another spirit?” he asks. “Like, another one possessing the kid. She could’ve been talking about that, instead.”

“Another...” I pause to think. I didn’t distinctly feel another presence, but… what would it even feel like? Would I be able to tell how many spirits there are?

“It could’ve been the beast,” Eli suggests. “That’d explain where it came from.”

“I’ve never met anyone with multiple spirits in them before...”

“But it should be possible, right? I mean, spiritomb exist.”

“Well, that’s a special keystone rather than a human body, but you’re onto something...”

It would make sense. The kid’s violent behavior, the talk of other people having died, the yamask’s final words… all of those would’ve been caused by the malicious spirit, while the yamask could’ve been someone caught in the crossfire or even someone trying to help...

Or maybe there was no yamask in the first place? Maybe this hostile spirit created it to try and stop me from completing the exorcism so it could stay in the kid. If it knew that the seal would interfere, it would’ve been trying to stay alive. Maybe it’s like that one nurse suggested, maybe this spirit actually created the seal for… whatever powers it might give.

A flash of light snaps me from my thoughts. Eli has blown another flame.

“Do you wanna go inside?” he asks. “The mosquitos are annoying. You’ll get better firewood if you chop them during daylight, anyway.”

He’s right. I think I feel better by now, anyway. “Sure. Let’s go.”

Having returned the axe and logs to their original places, Eli and I walk to the front door. Still careful not to make too much noise, we slip in, and I put my keys and outdoor apparel back where they belong.

"You wanna talk on the couch?" asks Eli quietly.

I stop to think.

"You know what," I finally start, "I think I'm good. That double-spirit theory of yours explains a good bunch of things. I think I'm gonna be able to sleep now."

"Oh? You sure?"

"Yeah. Thanks. It helped to talk about all this. But I think it's time we both headed back to bed."

"Well, alright," Eli says, returning to his bed in the living room and curling up comfortably. "If you ever need to talk more, though, I'm here for you."

"Thanks, I appreciate it. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Eli lays his head down, and I quietly climb back up the stairs. I check on Mary one more time before entering my bedroom to make sure I didn't disturb her. I did not. Smiling, I climb back onto my bed and shuffle under the covers, which have dried from the sweat by now.

Just as I think I've succeeded in my sneaking, Laura stirs on her side of the bed. She opens her eyes and squints at me despite my attempts to stay as still as possible.

"Marky…?" she mumbles.

"Sorry, it's nothing, just had a nightmare," I whisper, defeated.

“Mhh...” She turns over and says nothing more.

There goes that… oh, well. It didn't seem to bother her too much, so I shouldn't let it bother me. I rest my head on the pillow and close my eyes.

Two spirits… I don't know why I didn't think of that before. It explains so much that it now seems obvious.

I mean, it doesn't settle everything. It doesn't tell me what the story behind those two spirits was or what that little girl in the illusion had to do with them. Then there's the 'any more people' line… I didn't tell the police during the interview, thinking it was really only semantics and speculation in the end, and I didn't want the kid to get in any unneeded trouble… but now I feel like I've lied. Stood in the way of the truth. I mean, they wouldn't put the kid in jail just for that, right?

Well, I do have the option of still telling them, either by calling or whenever we meet next. I don't want to bother them for something non-urgent, so I guess I'll wait for the next meeting. I'll have decided what to do by then.

I stare into the darkness, mind blank for a few seconds.

That other spirit… I really wonder what made it do all that. Ghosts are still mon like the rest. Either they're people, just like humans, or they're wild creatures and so much simpler. It seemed to speak and manipulate a complex illusion, leaning towards an intelligent being, but it must've had a lot of hatred for it to act that way… maybe it was something in between and couldn't understand the situation properly? Then again, some humans with full awareness are still capable of very evil acts… I wish it wasn't that way, but that's where our sins have brought us.

At least the spirit is now gone from this world. Arceus will handle it from now on. It won't be able to hurt anyone anymore. And the yamask is with Arceus, too. He will reward her for her virtues, I'm sure.

I guess this is a happy ending for them both, after all. They'll be at peace instead of roaming the earth as restless souls. It's happy for me, too - I know my family's only safer with one less hostile spirit in this world.

Yeah… my family's safe. Thank you, Arceus, for letting that be so.

With this thought, I sink to a peaceful sleep.

---
 
Apologies for the wait. I've been almost comically overcommitted. Anyway, here's the Chapter 3 review!

First off, I thought I'd just say that the author's note on this one is gonna make most people pretty uncomfortable. It's possible you meant it purely in jest but it does rather put me off reviewing in case what I have to say is hurtful or insufficiently substantial. I recommend changing it.

Off to an unexpected start with the mental health clinic locale. I went back and checked for an indication that this was due, and I don't think it was forecasted at all. Might've been a good thing to have on Red's mind in the previous chapter, or at least have it explicitly be the destination Abe has in mind. The description makes clear Red's reservations about the very building itself and therefore how little he wants to be here, and I like that practicality alone prevents him from violently excusing himself, but I can't say I think it's a good idea to have a pokémon named Stalin (!) even if that is what he was called in the respective TPP run.

I've already mentioned brevity somewhat, but the conversation with the receptionist seems like another good example of extraneous wordcount, besides the emphasis on Red's knife. Red's growing panic about Joanna and Michi is pretty funny. So's him freaking out at the spider. The shift in the narration reads a bit strangely to me however, and I think it could be made more concise. All the same, Red's arrogance, delusion, fear and violence are all coming through nicely. Petulance, too. The "sell me Giratina" line is great.

Something else I thought was odd is that Red talks about this being a "innocent until proven guilty" country, which feels very American. I guess Red's world doesn't give a strong cultural vibe just yet but I know that conviction rates are astonishingly high in Japan, and with a name like Akai I haven't been sure if a Japanese vibe was the right one to pick up on. Just a little mental bump. Also a bit surprised that "the Twitch" is referenced the way it is. Gives me the impression it's widely known about, maybe something that keeps happening, but it hasn't been brought up with respect to Abe or any other characters. I'm also confused by the "merge" - it's been mentioned before, I think, but I'm still not sure what the mechanics of it are. It seems not to be a delusion but a shift in the universe. Is this something generally accepted, and relevant in this conversation only because it might have been traumatic? It just seems like too big a deal to gloss over.

The more mundane experiences Red can't possibly endure without bullshitting his way out and looking like a maniac, the more I realise he's kind of a total dumbass. His competency as a serial killer aside, he really has no idea what he's doing, does he? Besides that, his love for Helix and having to trample it out of devotion to HELIX is bizarrely tragic. I guess there's no scenario here where he gets to be in a healthy relationship and experience happiness. It's a weird thought to realise that this is a monstrous guy who can't be reformed or redeemed, but he's basically an adolescent idiot who can't use a phone and can barely do chores. Big pathos.

Unovan evangelical is comic, but I don't know what a "valiant, yet humble" gait/posture looks like. Considering Red's strong opinions about 'mainstream' Helixians and about Arceans, I'm wondering if we'll get some religious philosophising from him about it. It occured to me that he has a direct link with an eldritch deity whose worship dates back to ancient times - a considerable contrast with Arceans, who worship a theoretically older entity but whose organisation was presumably founded much more recently.

Telltale Games' [I said:
Hunter, Haunted[/I]]"Arcean preacher will remember this".

This stuff about Red missing comforts from before the Twitch and hating modernity have decent pathos, even if they make him come across as something of a pretentious dick. (I love the idea of Red getting locked inside Joanna-cofagrigus, by the way.) Pretty messed up to realise that this is a world where dead humans can become pokémon, and therefore be caught by trainers. An unsettling prospect. So too is the thought that this book he's found is actually misinfo, because otherwise those instructions about destroying yamask are awfully convenient...

I love that Red thinks not returning a library pen might earn him more enemies.

Red's dramatic internal declarations are as edgy and pathetic as ever, I see. Here we go, time for some ghost-bustin'.

This chapter was a little unfocused but I did like the increasing anxiety Red develops about his ghost problem and the additional insight into his sad psyche. His turnaround discovery of a possible solution is somewhat abrupt, but as I'm anticipating it to go horribly wrong, I don't mind so much. Looking forward to getting further into this! See you next chapter.
 
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