TEEN: In the Streets of Lago

[Flaze]

April Fools!

...not

Yes it's pretty stupid that I'm actually posting totes legit fanfic on April Fools of all things, but hey at this point it'd be cliched if I wrote some joke fic now wouldn't it?

This is actually an idea that's been floating in my head for...gee, like nine years now? I originally came up with back when I was 15 and it's undergone a tone of changes over the years, with me debating on whether to actually write it out or not. I figured there was no time like the present and while I'm still working out some kinks, I don't see an issue with actually starting it.

So what's this fic about? Weeeeeeellllll, I don't want to give too much away so I'll just say that it's about gangs, new beginnings and trying to rebel against a system that pushes you down so you can carve your own destiny. Hilarity ensues (hehe).

The fic also takes place in an original region, but we're not actually going to be traveling around it (probably) so don't get your hopes up you worldbuilding freaks. Anyways, on with the story.

In the Streets of Lago

1st Street: Fateful Meeting​

The hustle and bustle of rush hour weighed heavily on the restaurant. It created a strenuous and chaotic atmosphere. People walked, yelled and laughed as they gathered to enjoy their lunch and drinks or were simply trying to get through the long and arduous process of ordering their food.

It was a sight he had gotten used to seeing, yet it always managed to stress him out all the same. He shuffled through the crowd and tried his best to avoid being pushed by the hungry and impatient hoard of people. His senses worked overtime as he made sure to keep his eyes out and his ears sharp for any customer that needed his attention. "Two more 52s for table 4 dad!" he yelled out once he made it behind the counter. The fragrant smell of spices and food wafted through his nose. He sniffed the air, a smile crossing his face in turn.

"On it!" he heard his dad call back from inside the kitchen. That was his cue for him to turn back and keep tending to the customers, a sign he’d picked up over the years.

"Wait a minute Keita!" he heard his mom call out from behind him. Her face was completely covered in sweat and her hair was sticking close to her forehead. Not just that but her presence near the kitchen had caused her clothes to absorb the smells of the spices. Keita stepped back a bit when it hit him, if only out of instinct. He couldn’t blame her though; it was something that was bound to happen when you tried to deal with customers during rush hour. "We just got a take out order, could you please deal with-"

"Hey lady, I'm ordering over here!" a loud man called out from in front of the counter. His unkempt black hair and beard was a standout amongst the customers. His bulging eyes and ravenous face reminded him of a rabid Mighteyena.

"I'll be right with you sir!" his mom didn’t miss a beat, trying hard to hide the antagonism in her voice as she turned back to him. "Could you please take care of it?"

"Uh…sure, but do you think that's okay with how busy we are?" the young man asked, glancing hesitantly at the frenzied crowd once more. Sometimes he wasn't sure if they were like Pokemon or if that was just how he had grown used to seeing them.

"We’re used to it, but do be careful when you go out there okay?" she explained. However, he noticed a worried tinge in her voice. Trepidation crawled into his skin. "You're going to Blackwood Street."

The color practically drained from Keita's face when he heard the name. Blackwood Street, one of the most dangerous and desolate parts of the city. "Uh…why do I have to go? Can't we just tell them we don't serve there?" he asked. His lip quivered a bit as he started involuntarily rubbing his hands together in order to keep them from shaking in front of his mother.

"We don't have anyone to do the deliveries after Mirai quit and we're packed here as it is," his mom replied, crossing her arms and sighs. "I'm not happy about it either, but it is only a few blocks away."

Keita stared at his mom, her concerned expression and hesitant look in her eyes proved she at wasn’t happy about sending him out. That’s what Keita wanted to tell himself.

"All right," he finally replied. He noticed that the customers' cries had gotten louder while they had their exchange. "I'll get going." he nodded.

His mom smiled, rubbing his short black hair and causing his glasses to fall back a bit. "Good boy, be careful okay? Your dad already left the order in the back of the store."

"Right. I'll take Link with me.” Still unsure, he made his way to the back of the restaurant. He stared at his dad’s back while he worked over the cooking pots and pans. He seamlessly balanced one of the cooking pans, making the fried berried rice dance in the air as he twisted it around with a spoon. It was a sight to behold from afar, the way in which the grains lifted off into the air only for them to fall back in such a controlled and well-kept fashion. It was beautiful and inspiring. He’d have to note it down for his next drawing.

"The order's there.” His dad finally noticed his presence and pointed towards a small kitchen stove at the edge of the room right next to the door leading to the alley on the side of the restaurant. There was a bag with multiple containers inside. "Curry fried rice with faux-shrimp and sweet and sour Chiklet-berry cutlets, oh and egg rolls," he said, his voice monotone as he checked on the broth cooking in one of the pots. "Oh and be careful out there."

"Will do!" Keita yelled out in understanding as he grabbed the bag and walked out of the restaurant, letting out a long sigh. A good part of living in a restaurant was that you were always surrounded by tasty food. The bad part? You couldn't eat it for yourself.

He walked over to the small scooter parked on the side of the restaurant. The putrid smell of unattended trash quickly replaced the wonderful aroma of the food and caused his face to turn sour. He walked over to a small white scooter parked on the side of the restaurant. It was an old model and the seat had lost its coloring, but his mom kept it spot-less.

As he sat down the image of riding on Blackwood Street on a small scooter filled with East Johtonean food began to crawl into his head. He also realized he hadn't written out a will.

"Let's just hope everything works out," he muttered to himself before glancing at the pokeball that was strapped to his belt. Not wanting to stall more, he got on the scooter and turned it on before quickly heading off. As he passed by the front of the restaurant, he glanced at the small sign on the window.

"Now Renting" were words that brought an even sourer mood to Keita's face. At nineteen years old, he was already trying his best to have as much privacy as possible; having some stranger move into their additional bedroom wasn't something that would help with that.

He decided to put those thoughts behind him. He had bigger fish to fry, such as hoping he'd be able to deliver that order while keeping both of his kidneys.

***

Lago City was famous for two things.

The first was its wide variety of immigrant citizens that had come to Caliorn for a chance at "a better life".

The second was high level of delinquency and disarray when said immigrants weren't able to fully cement themselves into the country. Nowhere did those two things stand out more than in parts like Blackwood City.

The city's executives had abandoned the area. Sure, you'd hear them talk about renovating and "giving everyone a chance at a better life" around election time. But no change came and when it did it was only in the form of incomplete buildings and roads or maybe one or two fundraisers, only for the money of said fundraisers to mysteriously disappear without leaving a trace.

Because of that, the neighborhood had fallen into ruin. Dirty streets and worn down buildings were the norm. Closed off businesses was also a common site alongside disheveled and starving people that dug around trash cans or stood out on the street begging for money. That type of impoverished and abandoned atmosphere weighed down on everyone, most of all Keita.

It didn't help that this also caused the area to be filled not just with people of really low income, but also with some of the city's worst hoodlums. Many small street gangs or "Teams" as they so liked to call themselves –in honor of famously known criminal organizations around the world- adorned the alleys and streets of these areas, all trying to see who their next prey was going to be.

Unfortunately for Keita, the eyes of everyone he passed by went straight to him. Well not really, first they went to his scooter to see what he was carrying, then to him to see if they could take it from him. Or at least that's what he assumed was going through their heads, but in reality, no one did anything besides just steal a passing glance at him.

"Apartment Building #21, Apartment Building #21," Keita murmured in his head over and over as he passed through each one of the buildings. Keeping his mind on where he had to go helped with his nerves.

And that's when he walked passed the sign he had so wanted to see.

“BlWood #21”.

It stood tall, if faded, and like it had seen better days. The concrete had a layer of black muck around the walls and sides of the building, with broken windows and fallen terraces.

Seeing the place he was meant to go to up close filled him with relief. That was until he noticed that it was surrounded by a threatening group of people. The predominant color seemed to be black. Some wore too much of it, dressed with jackets or baggy pants and jewelry; others were barely dressed at all. Men and women, all looking robust enough to bend him like a twig, but that wasn't what scared him off his boots. It was the familiar Murkrow-shaped marks they all carried on some part of their body that set him off.

He ended up in Team Murkrow territory, and now he was dead. His mind immediately went to thoughts of moving out of home, in the off-chance he made it back alive.

"Oye, niño."

Nope. Dead.

Keita, reluctantly raised his head, just now realizing he had instinctively lowered it, and came into view with a skinny dark-skinned man. He was wearing a bandana on top of his head, which contrasted with the fact he had no shirt on, allowing him to show off the mural of tattoos on his chest, with the one that stood out the most being one in the shape of a Murkrow . "You lost, my friend?" the man asked, his tone both mocking and venomous.

Keita tried to come up with a response, but all of his thoughts went to the Murkrow that was perched on the man's right shoulder. The small dark-feathered bird Pokemon glared at him with its large red eyes. It’s top-hat looking crest made it all the more menacing as its talons gently rubbed against its Trainers shoulders as if preparing to pounce.

"U-uh." Keita stuttered, causing the rest of the gang members who stood around the entrance to let out a laugh along with the man.

"No seriously, boy. What's a four-eyed, scrawny kid on a scooter doing here, with Johto food no less." He walked around Keita’s scooter and lifted the bag of food. "Hey, did someone order Johto food!? Cause if so then they're getting a beating for not sharing!” he yelled out, issuing more laughter and causing Keita to clench onto the handles of his scooter as tight as he could.

"I-I came to deliver the food…t-this is the address they gave me in the order," he finally replied, though it was mostly inward than anything.

The man smiled brightly at this, lowering the bag. "Really, kid? Then did you at least get a name? Cause if you don't have one then you have two choices. Either scram or we’ll make you scram.” His Murkrow let out a squawk into the air that made Keita jump back.

The young man tried his best to regain his composure as he weakly raised the note was given to him with the address and the name of the customer. "M-Miguel…"

"Miguel who?" the man asked incredulously. "We're a mostly Hispania gang, boy. We've got enough Miguels and Carloses to go around."

"Yo soy Miguel!" Keita heard a random gang member shout from the stairs that led to the building.

"Nadie te pregunto, Miguelito!" the man called out, his voice made the other gang member sit back down in fear. "Seriously, I thought we kicked him out," he said while rubbing his forehead. He glared back at Keita. "So. Last name? "

"Uh…there's none.” Keita trembled, making sure to show him the note so he'd be able to see. The man grabbed it and scanned it carefully, only for his eyes to open in realization as his Murkrow kept its eyes focused on Keita.

"Hm, could it b-"

"Juan!" came a scream from inside the building, followed by an overweight teenager running out. He had a short afro and was wearing a simple black shirt and a pair of dark green shorts. The man known as Juan turned towards him, his face turning sour.

"Que pasa, gordo, que no puedes ver que estoy hablando con este ni-"

"El Jefe-"The overweight gang member started, though he stopped due to running out of breath. "El Jefe dice que él fue el que puso la orden," he finally spat out, though then again, Keita couldn't understand anything they were saying.

"Uh…what did he say?" he asked hesitantly, making Juan turn back to him.

"Lárgate," he said to his friend, waving him off before handing the note back to Keita. "It seems like our boss is giving you clearance, though I don't know why," he groaned, smirking. "You can go. Fifth floor, apartment 5B."

Keita nodded his head. He was in disbelief of the fact he'd be able to deliver the food in the end. However, just as he stood up and grabbed the bag, he saw Juan pull his scooter back and swiftly sneak his hand on his belt, grabbing his pokeball.

"Hey!"

"Can’t have you packing inside," Juan stated with a chuckle. "You'll get it back once you leave. Probably."

Keita was still scared, but he also felt rage bubbling inside him as he glared at Juan. He wished he could do something to defend himself. But he couldn't. They outnumbered him and he had no way to defend himself, all he could do was comply and lower his head in a silent nod.

Why was he so weak?

***

With that, Keita was allowed to enter the building. Unfortunately, the elevators were out of order, so he had to go through the stairs. This gave him a pretty good look at the apartments from the inside.

It wasn't any better from the outside. The halls were a mess, and there were apartments that had their doors removed, some of which laid broken on the floor. The walls had black marks all over them from excess of humidity. There were even ventilation holes that seemed too irregular to have been planned. All of that was coupled with gang members, both male and female, at every corner. Some just stood by the walls guarding while others were simply going about their day by talking to each other. However, everyone of them took at least a moment to glance at Keita. “Who invited the Niponian here?” he heard one of them muttered, which got him to tremble a bit.

Fortunately, he made it to the fifth floor before too long and was wonderfully surprised to find out that there were no members up there. The level also seemed to be taken care of a bit more and still retained a somewhat natural appearance. Keita walked along the halls of the floor, waving his bag along until he ended up in front of apartment number 5B.

That's when it dawned on him. He was about to go in to meet the leader of Team Murkrow, one of the more famous and fearsome gangs in Lago City. Should he be careful of what he said or even of how he came in? What if he annoyed him by walking there with food that was starting to get cold? All those thoughts and more flooded Keita's head as he stood in front of the room.

Nevertheless, he powered through, gently knocking on the door before receiving a loud "Pase!" from the other side. He didn't know what that meant, but he assumed it meant he could come in.

The first thing that stood out to him upon walking in was the single bedroom and bathroom that stood on each side, both with their respective lights on, this, in turn, allowed them to shine light onto the otherwise dark hallway.

The next thing to grab his attention was the two red couches facing away from each other in the center of the room. They seemed old but well taken care of and there were a few Pokemon pillows and plushies. He spotted a Growlithe, Murkrow and Pichu plushie in one and a pair of Meowstick pillows on the other.

Then there was the bookshelf to the left, filled with different kinds of books he could barely detail but aside from the occasional comic and manga he could also distinguish some law and finance books. Lastly there was the end of the hall, where a large, wooden, business desk stood with two leather chairs in front of them.

The closer Keita got to the desk also allowed him to see the person sitting behind it. He could see the top edge of a black beanie poking up from the chair, but what stood out the most was the fact that whoever was behind it was playing some game on a Holophone.

"Ugh!" a male voice groaned out. "Why is a Shinx harder to catch than a damn Mewtwo. Paying for more hearts is going to be a pain." The male, who sounded pretty young, groaned in annoyance.

It was then that he seemed to take notice of Keita's presence and proceeded to spin the chair around, allowing him to come into full view.

He was certainly not what Keita expected. The leader of Team Murkrow had tanned, slightly brown, skin and straight black hair. He didn't seem that much older than Keita thanks to his young, almost boyish complexion and similarly looking brown eyes.

His clothes also weren't what he was expecting based on the other gang members. He was wearing a white and orange hoodie, the center pocket of the hoodie had a white pokeball symbol that matched with the similar logo on his black beanie. Lastly, he was wearing a pair of fingerless gloves, with one of them having some tape over the center of it. The one thing that did give away his association with Team Murkrow was the aforementioned bird perched on his shoulder however.

Keita wanted to feel afraid. But he couldn't. It was almost as if any pressure and hostility he felt in the building suddenly lifted upon seeing this young man.

"So," the leader finally broke the silence. "Is that my food?" he asked with a slight smile, innocent and kind.

This was enough to take away Keita's words. Instead, he just stayed in awe for a few more seconds before finally mustering up a sentence. "Ah, yes. Curry fried rice with sweet and sour Chicklet Berry cutlets and a side of eggrolls."

"Does it come with soy sauce packets? I love me some soy sauce," the young man stated with a laugh as he stood up and walked around to the front of the desk, causing Keita to step back as he saw him lean up against it. "Sorry the guys gave you a tough time, they tend to forget their manners around guests."

"N-No! It's okay! And, the packets come in regardless of what you ordered," he replied, his voice sounding more high pitched than he hoped. Why was he so nervous now, it was different than before too, less about fear and more about…

"Awesome," the boss replied, stretching his hand out towards him. "I'm Miguel. Mind staying for a chat?"

Any other day, heck, even ten minutes ago, Keita would've refused that offer, left the bag on the desk and run out without even bothering to ask for the money. But there was something that compelled him to do the opposite. "Sure," he said awkwardly. "I'm Keitarou Kageyama," he added, stretching his hand out to shake Miguel's.

On that moment, the gears started turning.

End of Chapter 1

Next Time: The Little Crow

 

[kintsugi]

some random prenote
Hello there, fellow connoisseur of April Fool's shitposts and—

What, this isn't a shitpost? Fuck.

general/worldbuilding
You may have noticed that I also have a soft spot for the exact same genre/world that you picked, so it's a bit weird to critique, but let's go ahead. I think your choice to make Keita the reader's lens as we go through this first chapter is an interesting one, mostly for sentences like these:

Unfortunately for Keita, the eyes of everyone he passed by went straight to him. Well not really, first they went to his scooter to see what he was carrying, then to him to see if they could take it from him. Or at least that's what he assumed was going through their heads, but in reality, no one did anything besides just steal a passing glance at him.

For me, this basically turned everything Keita was saying about the area on its head. I stopped trusting his descriptions of pretty much everything seriously because of how absurdly wrong and overdramatic his initial description was.

Which is... an interesting choice. We see from the actual dialogue and actions of the gang members later that they don't seem too bad. They mostly just seem confused by Keita, which is a fairly logical response since he rolls up on their doorstep with a bunch of takeout and doesn't even know who it's for.

As a result, even though a lot of this chapter is devoted to establishing your world, I don't really trust it. This is a bit unconventional for a first chapter -- I'm not instantly turned away, but it's a lot harder to get a feel for what you're actually trying to do here.

plot/hooks
I have a similar frustration here with not fully understanding what's going on. Introductions need to be interesting, and I think you achieved that here, but I really have no idea what direction this story is going to go in the next chapter. You establish a few characteristics about this world -- Keita's fear and the criminal side of town, and by the end of the chapter you undermine them both. I'm not sure if I know why.

Any other day, heck, even ten minutes ago, Keita would've refused that offer, left the bag on the desk and run out without even bothering to ask for the money. But there was something that compelled him to do the opposite. "Sure," he said awkwardly. "I'm Keitarou Kageyama," he added, stretching his hand out to shake Miguel's.
On that moment, the gears started turning.

And I don't know if Keita knows either?
It's a bit tricky to follow because we have no idea beyond "something" that's compelling all of these misconceptions to become undone.

characters/dialogue
You shine here! There's a lot of really genuine interactions, in particular the talk between Keita and his parents, and the banter between members of Team Murkrow. I don't have any particular advice here -- I think you wrote solid dialogue that gave us quick overviews of what each of the side characters were supposed to be doing.

Also, Team Murkrow is by default the best team.

random nitpicks

"El Jefe dice que él fue el que puso la orden," he finally spat out

"It seems like our boss is giving you clearance, though I don't know why,"

But... but he literally just got told that it was because the boss placed the order.
Or is this foreshadowing that Juan is secretly an undercover agent and that's why his Spanish comprehension is bad??

"Wait a minute Keita!"

One more with feeling; if you're writing down someone addressing someone, you need to have a comma:

"Wait a minute, Keita!"

his mom replied, crossing her arms and sighs

yoinks

final thoughts
It's a bit jumbled, but I'm curious to see where you go next.

 

[Gama]

Very interesting premise - I enjoyed this a lot!

I think you've done a great job of illustrating what it's like for a regular person to encounter a street gang - something that doesn't tend to done well in fanfics or tbh even in the canon! As an addition to that, I very much like that the goons consider having a Pokemon to be "packing". This has long been something I've thought would be normal myself if Pokemon were real, but it doesn't seem to be how many people think of it, strangely enough.

I'm very excited to learn more about this curious young boss with an interest in finance and law, as well as what the gears that have started turning are!

I'm also with kintsugi on being deeply curious what it is that just happened to be different today to make Keita speak to Miguel!

Also, are we supposed to know (read: Google) what the Spanish is? I read through without checking. It was kind of strange to read since Keita didn't appear to understand so probably wouldn't even have been able to follow what words were being spoken.

 

[Flaze]

Boy...it sure has been a while. Admittedly a lot of things went on in my life that kept me from writing the chapter for a couple of months, then I didn't know how to write it. It's not that I don't' have the idea, cause I do. But writing it out was the tough part.

Anyways, I know that chapter 1 one was a bit on the odd side in regards to what the story will be about...I can't promise that this chapt necessarily clears that issue up but it should shed a bit more light on some matters.

And so, without further ado, here's chapter two.

2nd Street: The Little Crow

Keita’s foot tapped against the hardwood floor of Miguel’s studio apartment, blood pressure rising and eyes glazing from one place to the next. Should he look at the shelf filled with books and movies on his right? Or maybe the sofa in front of him that had Pokemon plushies all neatly lined up? Or maybe he should look at the man in question, sitting behind his desk eating his take out food with abandon.

It had only been a few minutes since Keita came into the apartment, but it already felt like ten hours. Not only was he sent to Blackwood Street, one of the most dangerous parts of town, but now he was sitting across the leader to one of the most fearsome gangs in the city.

There were a million ways this scenario could’ve played out in Keita’s head, but what scared him the most is that none of them happened yet.

“You don’t gotta look so tense, you know?” Keita jolted on the couch, his glasses covered eyes falling back on Miguel. The man cocked his head to the side in curiosity, a gesture that seemed far more innocent than it should’ve been. It didn’t help that a few grains of rice fell on the desk, only for his murkrow to instantly jump down from his shoulder and peck at them. “Hey, stop that, Icarus! I said I’ll save you some.” Miguel threw his arm forward, quickly grabbing his plate to keep his murkrow from getting to it.

This issued an involuntary chuckle from Keita, if only because it reminded him of his own interactions with his kirlia, Link. Link, who at the moment was being kept hostage by Miguel’s underlings on the ground floor.

The thought of never getting him back resurfaced. His stomach felt heavy and his foot started tapping faster. Link was his sole companion at points in life where he felt like he had nobody, especially in the last year since he started college. All of his friends from high school had gone off to study somewhere else or eluded the idea of going to college altogether. Either way, it left him alone with his studies and the restaurant as the only variables in his daily life and Link was the one with him throughout.

“Well, if that’s it then I think I should go,” Keita said. He tried to be as respectful as possible, even if his voice did break a little.

“Wait, don’t leave so soon,” Miguel replied. His murkrow, Icarus quickly flew in front of Keita, making the young man yelped. Miguel shook his head, frowning at the murkrow as if it had acted on its own. “Sorry about that, he can be a little…temperamental.” he added the last part with a slight glare, to which the murkrow replied by scoffing and shifting its head to the side.

“Honestly if there’s something you wanted to tell me then you should probably do so now. I mean your cronies are holding my Pokemon hostage down there and everything!”

Keita instantly regretted his words. He’d let his stress and worries get the better of him and completely threw away the polite façade he’d been trying to give off.

Oddly enough, Miguel didn’t seem to mind this too much, instead his expression shifted to one of shock before quickly being replaced with exasperation. He let out a long sigh, taking out his phone from his pocket and quickly dialing a number.

He started talking before too long. “Yo, Juan. Que te e dicho sobre andar actuando como si fueras el jefe?” he asked in Hispanian, instantly making Keita feel uneasy about not understanding what he meant. “Pues, no me interesa tu razón, más te vale no hacerle nada al Pokemon del pana o hare que Fiera te use como juguete, me oiste?” his voice quickly grew more menacing as he spoke, a clear contrast to the more amicable and outright innocent demeanor he’d had prior. Then he forcefully hung up the phone and set it back on the desk, letting out a sigh. “Okay, I talked to them. They won’t do anything to your Pokemon, I’ll make sure of that.”

“O-okay.”

“Now, is it okay if we talk? I’ve actually called you here because I wanted to talk with you about a very important matter.” He gestured to the two seats in front of his desk, the smile from before returning to his face.

Hesitantly, Keita made his way to the chairs; still glancing back to make sure that Icarus was still behind him. He sat down and finally made eye contact with Miguel once more; his eyes staring curiously back at him. “First of all, as I said before, it’s nice to meet you, Keita.” He leaned back on his chair and laughed a bit, probably as a way to relief the mood. “As you can tell, I didn’t ask you here just for Johtonean food. I tend to prefer to keep a low profile, particularly when it comes to normal citizens,” he explained as he grabbed the Growlithe plushie on the side of his desk and began poking at it.

“So then, why did you bring me here?”

“Your family owns that Johtonean restaurant down in Shikara Street right?” Miguel inquired, raising an eyebrow at Keita. “I saw that you had a sign saying you were renting the room above the restaurant.

“Yeah.” Keita nodded his head. His family’s apartment was above the restaurant, it hadn’t originally come with the restaurant but his dad hired his uncle to expand it, he said that way he wouldn’t have to worry about commuting and he could make sure the restaurant was safe, plus it would be a way for everyone to help out.

Of course, once his sister got married and moved out a few months ago his mom suggested that they could rent the room out, make some extra money on the side. The plan was sound and it seemed to go well when Mirai, their last tenant and employee moved in. But things quickly spiraled.

Keita still regretted his own role in that.

“Hey, you still there?” Miguel clicked his fingers in front of Keita, snapping him out of his own head. “Anyways, simply put. I wanna move into that place.”

Keita blinked.

“I’m sorry what?”

The sound of the chair creaking filled the room as Miguel leaned all the way back, eyes staring out the window behind him. “You heard me. I wanna move in, I’m tired of being a part of Team Murkrow, it’s just a bunch of trouble if you ask me.” He sighed.

“But, why our apartment? Why would you want to move in I mean…” Keita didn’t know where to even begin. Part of him was still scared of saying the wrong thing, but another part was so confused and begging for answers that he was starting to forget who he was talking to.

“What? A guy can’t go for a little change of pace? I’m just tired of being this gang’s boss.”

“I get that but I mean. You’re a gang member, do you really think you can just waltz in there asking to move in and we’d just let you? And hell if you wanted the place so much why not go there yourself? Why have me come here, all scared and confused, and that’s without getting into the fact that your friends took my Pokemon hostage!” he ranted, foot tapping on the ground once more and his hands moving around frantically as he spoke. “What the hell did you expect me to say after having me go through all of that and now asking me this? Cause it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel more confident about having you at my house!”

It was only after he finished that he realized what he’d been saying. He quickly clasped his hands over his mouth, panting internally while he waited for Miguel’s reaction.

Strangely enough Miguel’s own expression wasn’t much different from Keita. He looked at the young man with the same amount of shock reflected on Keita’s head. Then his face broke into a smile before laughter followed. “Okay, I did not expect that.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t me-“

Miguel waved his hand dismissively, making Keita quiet down instantly. “It’s fine. Everyone around here is either too scared of me or treats me like I’m some sort of god.” He continued laughing for a bit before slowly calming down and turning back to Keita. “But you’re right, I didn’t handle this the best way possible, and I honestly didn’t expect the guys to do that to you, I even told them not to. Usually they listen but, I guess they thought they were hot shit and went over my orders.”

“But you’re right. The fact that I’m a gang member wouldn’t go over well with anyone, trust me on that,” Miguel said. “That’s why I wanted to get to know you and ask if you could help me out here, it’s not ideal but if you can help hide that fact it would be great.”

“Why though? Why do all of this, why would you even want to move to a bedroom in some small apartment?”

At this Miguel remained quiet. His smile turned melancholic, as if he was remembering something. He stretched his arm out and motioned for Icarus to go over, which the flying-type responded by flying over and landing on his arm. “Like I said. I just want a change of pace.” He pet the murkrow’s hat-like head and then scratched the button of its neck, making it lean its head back and close its eyes, grinning all the while. “I’m tired of being a part of Team Murkrow. Hell, you’re acting like you’re in some kind of minefield but we’re hardly the hard asses that people make us out to be, though that’s partly my fault.” He shrugged before continuing. “The only people still around are either waaaay too devoted to the gang or don’t have anywhere else to go, me included.”

Keita listened attentively while Miguel spoke. His tone of voice here was different than it’d been since he arrived, it seemed more pensive and honest but at the same time it felt like there was something more, like he was trying to hold something back. Yet, for some reason, that only made his words feel more genuine to Keita, as if him hiding something from him somehow made him seem more honest than the open, best friend, act he’d been holding up till moments prior.

Though that did lead to him wondering if maybe all of this was an act too. Maybe Miguel was just trying to sound melancholic and to tug at his heart strings and he was falling line hook and sinker for it. The thought certainly crossed his mind, but it also confused him even more.

Should he give him the chance? Was it even worth trusting him? He didn’t know, but it was true that he probably wouldn’t go through all that trouble just to lie right? Plus it’s what reason would he have to lie when all they were talking about was him moving in?

Miguel must’ve been able to see the doubt in Keita’s face clear as day because he started talking once more. “If it’s about the money I’ve got it, I’ll even help out in the restaurant. And don’t worry about noise or my Pokemon, they’re well behaved and I clean after them daily.”

Well that certainly wasn’t a lie, just a cursory look around the room already told Keita how much Miguel valued tidiness. It was hard not to notice the contrast between his apartment and the rest of the torn down complex they were in.

“Listen, I don’t want to say that you’re not deserving of a chance here just because you’re in a gang.” Keita was shocked at how eerily calm he sounded, probably because his rant had alleviated a big part of his stress. “But, it’s just hard to really believe you when I’m surrounded by…all of this, okay I don’t mean the plushies, that’s kind of weird if I’m being honest. I mean the gang members down there, and you know, the fact we’re on Blackwood Street and all that.”

“Fair point.” Miguel nodded his head. “I guess that would be a no then.”

Was that it? Was he really relenting that easily? It would’ve been great if he had, but at this point Keita’s mind was nagging him so much that he felt weird just leaving the conversation at that point. “I just want to know one last thing. Why that apartment? You said you have the money so why not choose another one?”

“Hmmm.” Miguel scratched his chin in thought. “I just want to.”

Glancing down at his hands all of his thoughts were filled with questions and doubts. At this point he was actively entertaining the idea of just accepting Miguel’s request. Sure, the situation at hand was enough to scare anyone off, but he didn’t seem like a bad guy and, again, there would be no reason for him to be lying since he’d have to actively live with a random family that could get tired of his bullshit at any point.

But he also didn’t want to put his family at risk, he already felt bad over what happened with Mirai and she wasn’t even a gang boss. If he brought someone potentially dangerous into their home and it all went south then he would never be able to forgive himself.

Then he remembered high school, how people would always whisper and lament all of the kids who dropped out and joined gangs, about how they were throwing away their lives without really thinking to wonder why. Some of Keita’s old friends from his childhood had willingly given up everything and joined gangs. Could he really just refuse someone who wanted to actively start on a clean slate?

No. He couldn’t risk it.

Hesitantly, he shook his head, slightly averting his gaze from Miguel. “I’m sorry. I can’t help you.” He hoped that that would be enough for Miguel to understand and that he wouldn’t ask for his reasoning, he didn’t think things would end well for him if he did.

Keita expected him to get mad and call his members again, or maybe to argue; instead he did something completely unexpected. He let out a big sigh and shrugged. It was possible that it could’ve all been acting on his part, but the way he moved was so casual that it seemed anything but genuine.

“Guess that’s that. Can’t blame you man.” He scratched the back of his murkrow’s head and stood up from his chair, prompting Keita to jump back in his own seat. Seeing this drew a chuckle out of Miguel. “Calm down. I asked you here cause I wanted to ask for something, you said no, that’s it. We’re just a pair of consenting adults having a talk.”

Keita slowly relaxed back into his seat, eyes still staring at Miguel quizzically. “You’re not mad?”

“Hell no. What? you think I was gonna fly off the handle or something cause I’m a gang boss? Please.” He motioned for his murkrow to get off his arm, which it quickly did before waddling over to the door. “Anyways, I’ll escort you out.”

“O-Okay.” Keita stood up reluctantly from his chair, eyes scanning the room once more as he walked to Miguel. “By the way, did you get all these plushies because you wanted to seem less threatening or something?”

“Oh, those.” Miguel chuckled. “I like cute things, what can I say.”

“Right.”

With that, Keita began following Miguel back down, all the while trying to gouge out the man’s actions. It didn’t seem like he was bothered at all by Keita’s reply, but was it really that simple? He’d heard nothing but bad things about Team Murkrow and yet their leader seemed like such a nice guy. What if that was just an act?

He had a lot to think about.

***

The way down from the apartment was, in many ways, more tense than the way up. While going up Keita was freaked out from all of the gang members sizing him up, thus intimidating him more. Now that he was going down with their leader he felt the knot in his stomach tighten. There was nothing stopping Miguel from seizing his friends on him for not adhering to his request, in fact, he was expecting it at any moment.

Instead Miguel simply led him casually downstairs, politely asking anyone that might’ve been sitting or standing in their way to move aside. He didn’t say anything about the fact that everyone they passed by started following them down, which increased Keita’s trepidation ten-fold and led to him clutching his right arm with his left one like a vice.

When they finally made it to the bottom Keita immediately came face to face with the tattooed gang member known as Juan, the one who’d taken Link from him. His glared could practically pierce through him and the expression on his face was in such a tight grimace that he thought he was either in extreme pain and was trying to hide it or could jump him at any moment.

“Juan, give him back his Pokemon, will ya?” Miguel requested, motioning to Keita. The other gang members all looked away as Juan reluctantly took out Link’s pokeball from his pocket.

“Por que el ingles?”

“Don’t ask. Just give it, and apologize while you’re at it.”

“Bullshit.” Juan retorted, holding onto Link’s pokeball instead of handing it over. “All I did was make sure the kid didn’t pull anything crazy. Your brother woul-“

“What my brother did is none of my, or your, business.” Miguel spat. It was as if a switch had been hit in his head, his tone now dripping with menace as he shot Juan’s glare right back at him. “I wanted take-out food, I ordered it. I didn’t ask you or any of you dumbasses for your opinion or assistance.” He walked closer to Juan, body swaying forward as wide grin crossed his face. “Now apologize for being such a paranoid bitch, Juanchi?”

The other gang members seemed to tense up when they heard this. Keita couldn’t blame them. The way Miguel was behaving to Juan was so different from the side he’d seen back at his apartment room, it seemed more like what he’d originally expected to see of him, albeit a lot more coherent than he thought.

Juan was at first just as shocked as everyone else, but quickly became even more enraged, body practically shaking in anger after what Miguel said. “No me llames asi?” he muttered in a low, but menacing voice.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t an apology, now was it?” Miguel’s arrogant smug grew in tandem with Juan’s fury. He quickly wiped it from his face though, going back to the menacing glare from before. “Enough shitting around, hand it over.”

“You know what? I don’t think so.” Juan’s hand went back into his pocket. Keita’s eyes opened wide, the knot in his stomach twisting even tighter as the idea of not getting Link again. “Mira, you can’t expect me to just up and do whatever you say, asshole. Not to mention that it’s your fault people have been looking down on us. Ever since your brother left you’ve done nothing but shit on Murkrow’s name.”

He took a glance at the other Team Murkrow members, none of them seemed to want anything to do with the situation, but a few did chant their agreement with Juan. “Team Murkrow is our, your home and you’re treating it like it’s nothing but a place for you to laze a-“

In the blink of an eye everyone was thrown back in shock as the sound of Miguel’s fist connecting with Juan’s face resounded in the air. The gang member felt the weight of the impact, the punch making his face contort before the force of the hit toppled him, legs giving out as his butt hit the concrete.

“I told you that was none of your business.”

No one spoke, probably a little hesitant to considering they didn’t know if it would just cause everything to escalate more than it already had.

Juan was the first one to speak, though only after pushing his body up from the ground and wiping what seemed like a drop of blood from his mouth. It seemed like he’d bitten his cheek when he received the point. “That does it.”

His hand clenched onto the pokeball on his belt. He unclasped it, teeth gritting as he sent out the murkrow that Keita had seen when he first arrived. Seeing it again, he could noticed some differences between it and Icarus. The top-hat-like crest on its head was noticeably shorter and rounder than Icarus, plus the way its feathers were ruffled showed that it had quite a few scuffles in the past, as opposed to Icarus whose plumage seemed well-kempt.

“You don’t wanna do this.” Miguel shook his head in an almost serene manner, completely opposite to Juan’s rage fueled breathing.

“Try me. Navaja, dale con Pico Taladro!” Juan’s murkrow stretched its wings out as soon as the command left his mouth. Keita could see a glimmer of satisfaction in its eyes as it propelled itself forward, beak held high before the black bird-like pokemon started spinning its body around in midair, heading straight towards Miguel.

The other gang members tensed up, some from anticipation, others in sheer horror, but Keita just found himself glued to Miguel and what he would do, especially with Navaja closing with every passing second.

It didn’t seem to faze him though. Instead, and very nimbly so, Miguel twisted his body around at the last minute, quickly stepping to the side as the spinning murkrow flew past him, lifting up the hair that flowed out form his beanie with a gust of wind.

Miguel raised his head, eyes now cold and calculating. He glared at Juan and proceeded to avoid another Drill Peck strike, this time without even turning towards the murkrow. “Okay then.” His hand dove to his belt and unclasped a black pokeball with yellow lines on the sides.

An ultra ball.

The sight of it made Keita’s body go quiet with anticipation. He’d thought Miguel would counter with his own murkrow, but he was actually sending out another pokemon? And just what kind of pokemon was it that he had to keep it inside an ultra ball.

“Get out and show him, Fiera!”

Miguel’s body leaned back. His hand grasped the ultra ball tightly, his right foot slid across the ground, dragging some dirt with it, while his left leg raised up. Then he pulled his arm back as far as it could go, his grip on the ball never loosening.

In one swift motion he slammed his left foot on the ground with a loud thud and swung his arm forward like a whip, putting so much force and speed behind it that Keita thought he actually heard the wind break a bit when it finished arcing.

The ball launched with such speed and finesse that even murkrow wasn’t able to react before it hit it square on its beak, to which its trainer couldn’t help but react with a simple look of shock, helpless while the ultra ball popped open and released what was inside.

In a matter of seconds the light from the ultra ball dissipated, leaving behind a large dog-like pokemon with orange and black fur across its body. Its cream mane blew with the wind, flowing seamlessly and wafting off the smell of pecha berries and its head moved upward gracefully, eyes staring at its targets.

Miguel’s arcanine was nothing but Marvelous to Keita the way its mane blew with the breeze was like staring at a heroic figure. It almost made him forget the situation he was currently stuck in. Almost.

“So you’re not going to use Icarus?” Juan replied once he was able to shake off the initial shock of seeing Fiera. He said it in an attempt to sound coy, but the sweat running down his forehead made it clear that he hadn’t expected to see the arcanine and was probably not prepared to deal with it.

“It’s better to get this over with quick, wouldn’t you say? Fiera, go.”

That was all the arcanine needed to hear. It raised its head and sucked in air into its nostrils. Its mane stopped blowing and instead began letting out red sparks as the air around arcanine condensed. It opened its mouth slightly, fire and heat gathering at the edge of it before it expanded to cover its whole mouth, begging to be released.

And released it was. Fiera threw its head forward and fired out a powerful blast of burning flames at the murkrow. The flying type flapped its wings desperately, barely able to avoid the flamethrower attack.

It couldn’t celebrate just yet though, because as soon as it got out of the flamethrower’s way it realized that its real target had been Juan all along.

The gang member jumped upon realizing this and quickly jumped to the side, accidentally tripping and falling to the floor as the searing flames flew mere centimeters above his body.

Seeing this, Navaje glared at the arcanine with fierceness. How dare it attack its trainer and humiliate them even further?

It autonomously dove into the ground, its body disappearing into the shadows. Miguel raised an eyebrow at this, mimicking Fiera’s own reaction. The arcanine stepped closer to its trainer, eyes glued to the floor in expectation for its opponent.

“I can’t believe it.” Juan muttered. His eyes wouldn’t leave the ground and at this point his body was shaking uncontrollably. But it wasn’t rage this time, it was something else, something that he’d made Keita feel a mere hour ago.

“You were in the way.” Miguel shrugged casually, glancing at his arcanine and smiling. “I’m sorry I sent you out for this, girl. Just get rid of him quickly and you’ll be done.”

Fiera nodded her head just as Navaja’s body reappeared. The murkrow had chosen to show itself from the side the moment the arcanine had turned away from it. It dove in, beak at the ready in order to finish carrying out its Faint Attack.

But that’s exactly what Fiera wanted. Before Navaja’s beak could make contact with her face, she turned her head around swiftly and swept the murkrow’s beak, teeth clenching down on it and breaking Navaja’s momentum. The pokemon’s eyes opened wide as it came face to face with Fiera’s own fierce eyes. Her teeth tightened, sending jolts of pain running through the murkrow’s body.

It was futile. It tried kicking and shaking its body. It flapped its wings in a desperate attempt to slide out of Fiera’s reach, but every time it moved an inch Fiera just pulled him back with a tighter grip. More and more her teeth clenched down, sinking and ripping into the hard surface of its beak.

Finally, when met with this unstoppable, dominant force Navaja had no choice but to give up. Its wings fell and its legs hung in the air as it simply delivered itself to the mightier predator. Eyes no longer filled with anger, but instead with understanding; understanding that with one quick movement it would die.

Juan too was left speechless. He was now sitting on the ground, unable to move his legs or even push himself to the feet. Some of the gang members even tried to help him up but he was so overwhelmed that his body wouldn’t react.

Keita himself couldn’t believe the quick and ruthless way that Miguel and Fiera dispatched their opponents. It stood contrary to the way Miguel behaved before. It wasn’t inherently malicious. It was different, like a king punching down his subjects.

“I hope that helps you understand.” Miguel waved his hand forward, gesturing for Fiera to let go of her prey. The murkrow in turn flopped to the floor, body shaking just as much as its trainer. “Now. Give my friend his pokemon back.”

Somehow, Juan was able to move his hands enough to unclasp Keita’s pokeball from his belt. He handed it off to one of the other gang members, probably because he still couldn’t really get on his feet, and had him walk over to the younger man.

The gang member held Link’s pokeball out to him, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. Keita could relate to that sentiment and in turn tried to do the same as he took back his long time friend.

“And let that be a lesson to all of you!” Miguel suddenly yelled out, getting everyone’s attention once more. “Don’t cause trouble for me and don’t bring up my brother or mother, or else I won’t be as forgiving.” He glanced towards Juan with disdain before looking back at the crowd. “If you don’t like it you’re welcome to leave, I won’t stop you.”

Then he went silent, eyes looking over the small crowd of delinquents as if waiting for some to step out. However, none of them did.

“Of course not.” Miguel muttered with disappointment.

He wiped that look off his face instantly once he turned to Keita. “Well, sorry for keeping you so long. I hope we can see each other again soon.”

“Uh…yeah, sure.” Keita glanced at the floor, clasping onto Link’s pokeball as tightly as he could. He still didn’t know what to make of Miguel. Was he a good person or not? Had he just gotten himself into a lot of trouble?

The only thing he knew for certain was that he didn’t know anything and that he wanted to leave.

***

When Keita came back home he simply went on about his day, he didn’t tell anything to his parents, instead he made them believe that it had been a normal delivery like every other, even if what he saw wouldn’t leave his mind.

However, for as scared as Keita had been of Miguel and Team Murkrow, he still couldn’t hide his fascination for the gang leader. The way he’d carried himself during that fight, how he’d moved so seamlessly and acted so calmly. There probably were experienced trainers who wouldn’t be able to copy that vibe he exuded so casually.

Was he messed up for thinking of him that way? He didn’t know, all he knew was that for the first time in a while he opened up his sketch book, the image of Miguel and Fiera clear in his head, and didn’t stop drawing until he was done.

The next day started out like every other day, Keita woke up around noon and went down to help with the shop right before rush hour started.

But there was a variable that didn’t quite fit with the usual routine, something that was very different and made Keita feel very uncertained.

“Keita, this is our new part time worker. He came in pretty early today and said he’d like to take the vacancy in the restaurant.” Keita heard his mom speak by his side. He heard her but he wasn’t listening, instead he stared at the new employee, his hands grabbing onto his apron nervously.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Miguel smiled the same innocent and kind smile he’d given him the day before when he was at his apartment. “I’m Miguel Herrera. Hope we get along.”

End of Chapter 2
Next Time: Deputy Princess

 

[canisaries]

Alright, caught Chapter 2!

It seems Miguel is gonna be a recurring and rather important character. We learn what he wants, though why he wants it is only partially explained so there's still mystery there. Juan returns as well, this time standing up against his leader, only to be curbstomped by a floofer woofer I mean Arcanine. The ultra ball was implied to be a rarity and/or, so I'm interested about what's going on there.

What's gonna happen from now on is pretty open in the air, but I imagine Miguel leaving behind his gang life isn't going to be that easy. I hope we get to learn more about Keita in the future as well, as so far we don't know that much about him other than his fear of the city's gangs and tendency to say stuff without thinking first under stress, if his interaction with Miguel is anything to go by.

Then some specific comments:

and eyes glazing from one place to the next.

"Glazing" may work here in a sense if he's looking at the places lazily, but I'm still guessing you wanted "glancing" instead?

sitting behind his desk eating his take out foot with abandon.

Take out foot? Man, the cannibalism industry's evolved fast.

“Well, if that’s it then I think I should go,” Keita said. He tried to be as respectful as possible, even if his voice did break a little.

Already leaving? Well, I don't blame him, but the end of the last chapter had me expecting he was going to try something.

His murkrow, Icarus quickly flew in front of Keita,

Add comma after Icarus. Also, I don't remember if I said this before, but I love the name Icarus for a Murkrow.

making the young man yelped.

*yelp

Miguel shook his head, frowning at the murkrow as if it had acted on its own.

Well, it did act on its own, didn't it? Miguel didn't order it and he scolds it right after.

He sat down and finally made eye contact with Miguel once more; his eyes staring curiously back at him. “First of all, as I said before, it’s nice to meet you, Keita.” He leaned back on his chair and laughed a bit, probably as a way to relief the mood.

This could use some splitting up into paragraphs and/or changing some pronouns for names, as the paragraph starts with a "he" (Keita) but ends with another "he" (Miguel), creating some confusion. The reader can guess who is who from the context, but likely has to pause to reread, so it's better for reading to be clearer.

Also, *relieve in place of relief.

which the flying-type responded by flying over and landing on his arm.

There's a "to" missing in here - it can go either in front of the "which" or after the "responded", both options are valid, I think.

Plus it’s what reason would he have to lie when all they were talking about was him moving in?

I think the "it's" is accidental here, it doesn't really make sense in the sentence.

His glared could practically pierce through him

*glare

His hand clenched onto the pokeball on his belt. He unclasped it, teeth gritting as he sent out the murkrow that Keita had seen when he first arrived. Seeing it again, he could noticed some differences between it and Icarus. The top-hat-like crest on its head was noticeably shorter and rounder than Icarus, plus the way its feathers were ruffled showed that it had quite a few scuffles in the past, as opposed to Icarus whose plumage seemed well-kempt.

Oh, I always like it when mon have subtle differences like this.

lifting up the hair that flowed out form his beanie

*from. Boy do I make this mistake a lot, doesn't help that GDocs wants to autocorrect it to the wrong form.

Try me. Navaja, dale con Pico Taladro!”

I like how the moves are translated too - it's obvious when you think about it.

Its cream mane blew with the wind, flowing seamlessly and wafting off the smell of pecha berries and its head moved upward gracefully, eyes staring at its targets.

This is a real show dog, shampooed with pecha scent and everything o.o

“Now. Give my friend his pokemon back.”

It seems that sometimes "pokemon" is capitalized and sometimes not in this chapter, and I couldn't spot a pattern.

made Keita feel very uncertained.

*uncertain is more common.

Anyway, congrats on getting another chapter out despite being so busy! I'll be there to catch the next chapter too whenever it may come. If you have more aspects you want thoughts on, you can ask me here or on Discord.

Also I don't remember if I told you before, but this fic actually got me to start learning Spanish on Duolingo - I'd considered it for a longer time, as I already knew a bunch of foreign languages, but none of them were Romanic despite Spanish and co. being pretty widely used and significant languages. With finally getting to push to try it out, I made some progress, keeping up daily streaks, though then the summer ended and uni made me too busy to keep up anymore. ;p But I think I can still return to it some time later and build on what I've learned so far.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Miguel’s studio apartment, blood pressure rising and eyes glazing from one place to the next. Should he look at the shelf filled with books and movies on his right? Or maybe the sofa in front of him that had Pokemon plushies all neatly lined up? Or maybe he should look at the man in question, sitting behind his desk eating his take out food with abandon.

Maybe he should focus his attention on the plot?
No, honestly I feel the opening lines are quite amusing.

Not only was he sent to Blackwood Street, one of the most dangerous parts of town, but now he was sitting across the leader to one of the most fearsome gangs in the city.

I felt like you established this in the last chapter? (Either directly or indirectly). (Although I don't recall so if you didn't then ignore this)

He started talking before too long. “Yo, Juan. Que te e dicho sobre andar actuando como si fueras el jefe?” he asked in Hispanian, instantly making Keita feel uneasy about not understanding what he meant.

Good use of foreign language and ample reason for not it not to be translated.
Adds more to the atmosphere to the story as well.

“I’m tired of being a part of Team Murkrow.

He's tired, simply tired.
'Team Murkrow' honestly sounds like a pretty silly but I feel like that is what you are aiming for

“Oh, those.” Miguel chuckled. “I like cute things, what can I say.”

Fearsome gang leader likes cute things hmmm?

The other gang members tensed up, some from anticipation, others in sheer horror, but Keita just found himself glued to Miguel and what he would do, especially with Navaja closing with every passing second.

So Migeal is much more terrifying in Spanish than he is in English. He shows his soft side more in English than Spanish perhaps. An interesting character detail.

However, for as scared as Keita had been of Miguel and Team Murkrow, he still couldn’t hide his fascination for the gang leader

But... do you ship them.

Not much happened in this chapter but I enjoyed the light humour and character moments. It seems to be a good starting point for some more character and plot development. It's a relaxed chapter that will certainly help you pick up the pace of the plot in later chapters.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Late as always Ryoma Maser here! Here for your Christmas review and my first review. Let's hope this is good enough. Expect some reviewing, some thoughts and some shitposting to keep myself sane.

The fic also takes place in an original region, but we're not actually going to be traveling around it (probably) so don't get your hopes up you worldbuilding freaks. Anyways, on with the story.

Wait WHAT!? No Worldbuilding!?!? Zero out of ten, reported, blocked and all the other stuff.

Street 1:

1st Street: Fateful Meeting

I like this detail, using a unique name for chapters instead of "Chapter" or something else. I did something like this once with a Zelda fic, using the word Tale #:Character, so I like this than using the usual formats.

"Two more 52s for table 4 dad!"

Pet peeve of mine, but I wish it was "Fifty-Two's" and "Table Four," also I think the D in Dad needs to be capitalize since it's sorta a name. For a second I thought I was reading Text speech. I type like writing proper sentences in text and Discord(as you can see often in Discord).

"Right. I'll take Link with me.”

Gee I wonder what this is a reference too. Funnily enough I'm watching a Breath of the Wild video while doing this.

"The order's there.” His dad finally noticed his presence and pointed towards a small kitchen stove at the edge of the room right next to the door leading to the alley on the side of the restaurant. There was a bag with multiple containers inside. "Curry fried rice with faux-shrimp and sweet and sour Chiklet-berry cutlets, oh and egg rolls," he said, his voice monotone as he checked on the broth cooking in one of the pots. "Oh and be careful out there."

Isn't Johto Japanese? Since this sounds like Chinese food more than Japanese stuff outside of the containers, unless you are going for a more Chinese Johto.

"Miguel who?" the man asked incredulously. "We're a mostly Hispania gang, boy. We've got enough Miguels and Carloses to go around."

Is this your version of a Pokemonize Spanish region? I misread this as Hispanic so I was really confused.

"Uh…there's none.” Keita trembled, making sure to show him the note so he'd be able to see. The man grabbed it and scanned it carefully, only for his eyes to open in realization as his Murkrow kept its eyes focused on Keita.

Isn't it necessary for takeout restaurants to ask for last names for pickup or deliveries? Personally speaking from picking up a local Chinese place own by a family friend or other takeout places. Or at least a number or something.​

For other content wise. I see you constantly not using apostrophe's for many things like Miguel's or the Carlos's, not necessarily a bad thing but another pet peeve of mine. Story wise, there was really nothing that drew me in except the Mirai plot thread you mentioned, I'm really interested about what made her/him/shim left.

Street 2:

Of course, once his sister got married and moved out a few months ago his mom suggested that they could rent the room out, make some extra money on the side. The plan was sound and it seemed to go well when Mirai, their last tenant and employee moved in. But things quickly spiraled.

Keita still regretted his own role in that.

Yeah, I'm expecting which way this will go. But I'm still interested in this plot thread.

His hand dove to his belt and unclasped a black pokeball with yellow lines on the sides.

An ultra ball.

The sight of it made Keita’s body go quiet with anticipation. He’d thought Miguel would counter with his own murkrow, but he was actually sending out another pokemon? And just what kind of pokemon was it that he had to keep it inside an ultra ball.

Is the sight of Ultra Ball that terrifying? I mean if it was a Master Ball, I would be fleeing the complex to before seeing what's contain inside. Unless Ultra Ball's are really rare in Lago.

“Keita, this is our new part time worker. He came in pretty early today and said he’d like to take the vacancy in the restaurant.” Keita heard his mom speak by his side. He heard her but he wasn’t listening, instead he stared at the new employee, his hands grabbing onto his apron nervously.

I understand in the dire needs of Keita's family they need an extra worker but no interview? No application? No background check? He just automatically gets the vacant job? Is this some even worse region than Orre? I just find it completely weird and something that shouldn't be in practice for business.

Otherwise once again, nothing really brings me in completely into this chapter. Out of these two chapters I just find Keita completely bland and not really interesting.
But Miguel's past and the issue with Mirai will probably bring me back if brought more into the fray.

I hope I wasn't too negative in this but hopefully I gave some good criticism for future chapters.

 

[kintsugi]

awww hell, you named the bird Icarus. 10/10 best story no bias here.

Que te e dicho sobre andar actuando como si fueras el jefe

lmao
love everything about this
I do like the situation you've set up here, though. It's a funny one where your main character isn't wrong for seeing a lot of tension based on what he's been presented with, but it's also nice because you're able to diffuse that tension pretty quickly without it feeling like you've cheated the reader or anything. This lets us pivot away from the attention-grabbing "oh shit he's gonna get ganked" to a more civil conversation without it feeling cheap (in a "it was all a dream" sense), which I thought was really clever.

“What the hell did you expect me to say after having me go through all of that and now asking me this? Cause it sure as hell doesn’t make me feel more confident about having you at my house!”

Hmmm. On the one side, this does feel like a legitimate reaction. Keita is asking all the real questions here tbh. But on the flip side, you've built up the gangs as a bit of a formidable/threatening force, especially in Keita's head -- and yet you also pull this thing where Keita ends up spouting off at them as if they're just normal, unthreatening people that you can spout off frustrations at? You end up doing this twice in the opening (both here and in the "wtf why'd you take my Pokemon), which to me created the character impression that Keita is pretty dramatic and not awesome at sticking to what he thinks is a good idea. AND MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE GOING FOR. Dunno. If not, though, it seems like a bit of a gamble to undercut your protagonist's character development this early for a narrative joke -- chapter 1 told me that Keita is analytical and a bit of a scaredy-cat, and now chapter 2 is telling me that he's really shit at being scared of this situation that he's analyzed.

“But, it’s just hard to really believe you when I’m surrounded by…all of this, okay I don’t mean the plushies, that’s kind of weird if I’m being honest.

lol. I love that you give Miguel weird quirks like this. It's like... almost too surreal to be real, but on the flip side, no, I totally believe that this could be real.

I love the ending that you've pulled off here. I was half-expecting Miguel to be a real shit battler and the secret was going to be that his brother was the spine of the organization and Miguel is trash/sits around eating takeout and playing with his stuffed animals all day but... nope. Solid subversion of expectations here, and you even foreshadowed it with the growlithe plushie! Keita's a real sweetheart, but Miguel's my favorite character so far -- he's got this real, shit-eating grin sorta attitude that I'm such a huge fan of, and he's honestly such a mixed bag/loose cannon that I have no idea what he's going to do next. It's really cool to read about, and he makes for an awesome secondary character/deutero-antagonist.

Overall, solid chapter here! I think the pacing was a hair slow in the beginning, but once everyone got outside, shit hit the fan and never let up. Good stuff.

 

[namohysip]

don't get your hopes up you worldbuilding freaks.

Aw...

__

Hey there, Flaze! I decided that I should take a look at what you've got to offer. I have no idea what you're writing beyond the title, so I'm going in blind. Overall impressions on the bottom, but here are some standouts. First of all, as is tradition, my thoughts on your opening sentence and paragraph.

The hustle and bustle of rush hour weighed heavily on the restaurant.

So, this is a pretty okay opener. "Hustle and bustle" is a bit of a trite phrase to use, but the rest of the sentence at least sets up both the location, general tone, and atmosphere. I could already get an idea for what was going on, though I didn't quite know what kind of restaurant it was. Still, I imagine explaining that would've been a bit wordy, so good choice there. However...

It created a strenuous and chaotic atmosphere.

This sentence is perhaps completely unnecessary, and you probably don't even need it considering both the above quote and the implications of the sentences that surrounded it. Less is more. You could've used this sentence to explain some other aspect rather than "tell" what you already showed. This happens a few times in these chapters.

His senses worked overtime

Bit of an odd turn of phrase. "worked overtime?" Did you mean perhaps "worked on overdrive" or something? Overtime to me suggests they were working for longer than usual... but I'd like to think that your senses are always working!

"Two more 52s for table 4 dad!"

So, this is another common problem I spotted. And no, it's not that you didn't spell out "four" here--I get why you did it stylistically, even if it looks a bit odd. No, the issue is commas. Your comma use is a bit lacking when it should be around, and the first rule is that you should have commas before an address. In this case, it should be "Two more 52s for table 4, dad!"

And I'm not sure, but I think since "dad" is being used as a specific reference, it should be treated as a proper noun and therefore capitalized.

Blackwood Street, one of the most dangerous and desolate parts of the city.

Another example of "less is more" happening, and perhaps also an idea of giving too much exposition in narration rather than implying it through actions and so on. I more or less got the impression of this sentence with the surrounding context, and there was no need to actually say it outright.

his mom replied, crossing her arms and sighs

Tense shift at the end there.

He also realized he hadn't written out a will.

Okay, this got a smirk out of me. Nice one.

Closed off businesses was also a common site alongside disheveled and starving people

*were also a common *sight. The verb's tense should agree with the subject and not the object.

but in reality, no one did anything besides just steal a passing glance at him.

Missed opportunity to say something like "But in reality, the only thing they stole were passing glances at him."

Yo soy Miguel

So, I think if you're writing an English-based text, foreign words, phrases, and sentences are italicized.

On that moment, the gears started turning.

This is a bit of an odd ending sentence for the first chapter. Gears turning... what gears? Keita's mind? He's thinking? It's a bit odd and somehow, you went from saying too much to saying too little right at the end.

Overall, it was a bit of a calm chapter. I don't really know what to expect, but at the very least, you set up some tension in the short-term for what our little delivery boy is actually going to be getting into. Why they would allow him to go to someplace like that to deliver considering how seedy it is, I dunno, but hey. Money's money.

Chapter 2.

I have a lot less to say about this one, but I will admit that, while a bit "familiar" in feeling this "gang leader that actually seems nice" archetype is, I did enjoy Miguel. You ended the chapter off with what I feel like is either the hook to a zany sitcom or... well frankly I don't know what else, but it's definitely a hook of some kind. A few nitpicks still remain from the first chapter, but here are two new ones that I feel I need to point out:

Link was his sole companion at points in life where he felt like he had nobody, especially in the last year since he started college.

This is another instance where it's sort of an unnecessary information dump. You could've done this in a character development scene or an exchange with someone else in a future chapter, and having it said in narration seems too heavy. Disrupts the pace.

and went over my orders.”

“But you’re right.

New rule to know: If someone talks for multiple paragraphs, you don't actually include the end quote on the first paragraph here. So it would be

". . . and went over my orders

"But you're right . . . "

Weird way that it works, but that's how it goes.

Was he a good person or not? Had he just gotten himself into a lot of trouble?

And my final nitpick, and this is similar to my other "less is more" comments -- you don't need sentences like these most of the time, especially when they're so on-the-nose. It's fine if they happen once in a while, but they're very frequent here. You don't have to ask questions for the reader--most of these are pretty much what I was thinking before I got to these sentences.

Anyway, overall, unique stuff you have going on here! I've never read a Pokemon fic quite of this tone before, so it has be interested to stick around to see what else you have planned. Thanks for the read.