MATURE: Infinite ∞ Reins [Rick and Morty] [02/01/18]

[Ghostsoul]

Spoiler: Rating Information

Swearing, and likely blood/gore. Shouldn't be much worse than the show itself though.

[Infinite ∞ Reins]​

Contents:

INTERSECTION: 0 [ACESSED]

Chapter I [11/11/17] (You are here)
Chapter II [22/11/17]
Chapter III [03/12/17]
Chapter IV [Intermission] [15/12/17]

INTERSECTION: 1 [EARNED]

Chapter V [02/01/18]
Chapter VI
Chapter VII [Intermission]
Chapter XI

INTERSECTION: 3 [IMMERSED]

Chapter X
Chapter XI
Chapter XII [Intermission]
Chapter XIII

[More due for arrival]

∞

Chapter I

Morty: F – 020 ​

“End the simulation.

“I said, end the fucking simulation!”

The teacher had grabbed my shoulder, I could only manage to turn my head for a few seconds before being pushed onto to the floor.

The world was a haze, solemn, unreal. I carefully looked up at Rick’s head which was highlighted by the prominent white light above. I told myself that I wasn’t going to die, that nobody was going to die.

“Morty F – 020, what the – h- hell was that!”

“I thought he was - going to kill me! I just…”

“Just, what! The gun, Morty, where did you get the gun from?”

I blinked at him, my vision still fuzzy from the change. Colours appeared to me as scrambled lines, watercolour.

“It just appeared, it was defence, basic self-defence! I insist, Rick.”

“The – the thing, isn’t even supposed to be able to attack! It was a blank slate. A 2-dimensional flat, thing of a Rick!” he slurred.

I dragged myself from off the floor, the incident pounding in my head just starting to settle.

“I don’t know what kind of stunt that was, but it certainly wasn’t anything I’d expect from a newcomer like you.”

I could make out Rick’s gold eyes, the same colour as the damned walls. They held an almost kind of killer instinct.

“Stunt? What do you mean stunt? I wasn’t trying to do anything, I – I’m being honest!”

“Oh sure, Morty, you are really convincing me here. That was one messed up simulation, and I’ve seen thousands of those things. If I wouldn’t have known any better, I would say that this isn’t the first time you’ve done this.”

He moved away and stopped looming over me, thank god.

Exhaling, and wiping some of the sweat from my face, my ears rested on the repetitive sound of the assistants tapping my results into the computer system. It was strangely soothing, the monotonous echoes probably matching my heartbeat.

“Wait, was there – something else that I did wrong?”

“There were other Mortys with you, what happened to them.”

“I have no idea, I swear – they just, they appeared, what was so wrong with them?”

The bright, artificial light was beaming down on me now, like a gross spotlight. The heat from the rest of the building began to set in on me.

“I don’t which Ricks you’ve met, F – 020, but I can’t think of one that would just stick you in a crate with a bunch of other Mortys and call it an ‘adventure’ and we certainly don’t attack and kill you Mortys for the sake of it!”

He had wandered over to the assistants, who had appeared to have finished writing up their reports. One of them spun their chair, taking off their reading glasses just to glare at me.

“Not only – had you come up with a stupid, utterly nonsensical suggestion, but your thoughts appear to be poisoned with harmful ideas about us Ricks. We might expect this shit from some of our more troublesome students but for someone who just arrived, this is utterly ridiculous!”

“I’m so sorry – Teacher Rick, I had no, no clue t-that there was a way to complete this thing, um, incorrectly.”

“Well, yeah, do you really think that the right way to complete it involved the death of several Mortys and a Rick shot in the face? I would waste more time yelling on at you, Morty F – 020 but, since the ass – assistants are done with their reports now you might as well just leave.” He looked away from me, his coat swished across the dirty gold flooring, creating a sound like a slash.

“We don’t need more Rick killing bastards out there, we have far too many of those already. Your stuff is in the right-hand corner, take it and go!”

The world still seemed a mesh around me; the colours of the floor walls still seemed to merge together in some kind of kaleidoscope. I held my hands out to the side, to prevent myself from falling onto the harsh ground. I could have puked, my stomach rising and the sour taste of bile hanging on my tounge.

“Morty! other side.”

I collect my bag from the other side of the room, Teacher Rick obviously trying his best to avoid eye contact with me. I looked back at him in spite as I reached for the door.

“Is it important that I control my thoughts, Rick?”

“You and I both know that you were totally fully aware of what you were doing!” He sighed at me, I slammed the door.

I had only met him three days ago, yet I hated him.

The landing, a pleasant change from the crowded close-like space of the of the simulation rooms. It’s gold, much like most other areas of the building; but not the kind that indicated some kind of lavish wealth (although whichever Rick designed it was probably going for that kind of look.) It was strangely warm and comforting, kind of resembling daylight.

I could leave down a several flights of stairs, If I wanted to. I was too tired for that now, I just wanted to sit down for a bit, take everything in.

I threw my bag to the ground and slumped against the wall. Part of me wanted to cry, but instead I just watched the glow on the lockers, the light showering in from the windows. My sight had just about recovered, but my hands and feet still trembled.

I wondered how much of the light from the outside was natural so many things on the Citadel are fake, so it was hard to tell. At least the reflections were at least pretty.

“Morty, F-020?” I heard some kind of squeaking coming from the staircase. I hesitantly turned to face it.

“Who – who’s there?” I whispered.

“First time is real tough, isn’t it! I never thought it would trouble you though.”

“Hey! Danger- ”

“It’s not ‘Dangerous Morty’ whatever the dang register days, it’s C – 849.” I saw the top of his scruffy head from the staircase as he walked up. His sunglasses glinting off the flashing light outside.

“So- sorry – I forget.”

He took a deep breath as he reached the top of the staircase. He looked a mess to say the least, his maroon jacket clearly torn and stained and the threads on his vest. A stubborn force, trying to make his uniform look something unique. It really didn’t work. How long had it been since he las brushed his hair? Weeks? Months? It was impossible to tell.

“I understand, but jeez, you’re one of the most forgetful Mortys I’ve met, and a lot of us are pretty forgetful!”

“I’m, umm, sorry? You know, I only have about three days I remember clearly of anything, right?”

“You don’t need to do that. It’s just a ‘name’ sorta. So, what happened then? You look shaken.”

My eyes darted around the room, I didn’t want to look at him all of a sudden.

“I shot Rick, or tried, I think. They hated me for it.” I looked back down at the ground. I felt the pang in my stomach return, as I was there again.

C – 849 sniggered. I keep my head down.

“You seem ashamed of that, Morty, why?” his voice muffled.

“It’s quite hard when everyone around seems to insist it’s horrible!”

“Is Rick ‘everyone’ now then?” he mocked.

“You aren’t helping! I nearly killed someone one, well kinda. It felt pretty close.”

“Stop worrying about it!” he spun around his suitcase shaped bag, hitting me in the face, he didn’t even notice, or care to. “You know, I would we rather proud, not just because I would have been taking control of the damn thing, but because I would have been able to do what you did.”

“What, commit murder!?”

“Don’t see it like that! I’ll tell you something, I’ve been through 4 Ricks now. 4 of them, all dead by my hand.”

Stunned, I lifted my head from the floor, he laughed again, at me, I probably looked like some kind of fool to him as I denied his pride.

“Don’t be so surprised. I mean I don’t blame you since you haven’t been here long at all, but it feels as if Ricks and Mortys have a deep-set urge to kill one another,” He said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Look around you, why do you think this ‘school’ was set up in the first place?” He tilted his head; I could see the strange, silvery dents on his neck that he tried to cover most of the time, or at least it seemed so.

“I came here because it’s the only thing, I could do?”

“You came here because the only other option is to stay here forever in the Citadel slums!” C – 849 grinned at me.

“The school was set up because so many Mortys are just as troubled as you are, as troubled as I am. Many of us have killed our Ricks, and can only return to our lives if we ‘settle down’. Say, you lost your memory, perhaps you did kill you Rick, and were forced to forget about it?”

I gulped, I really would have hated that to be the truth.

“I – don’t, know what happened.”

“You, don’t remember anything, at all?”

“Nothing, I have nothing...”

C – 849 face twisted, he wasn’t smiling, not anymore, but I couldn’t say that he was frowning either.

“You know, perhaps that act of so called ‘deception’ as Rick called it was actually something good, If I were you, I would start thinking of yourself as more than just another ‘Morty Smith’”

I shed a tear, as quietly as possible. If I was to make any noise other than some stifled whimpers, then C – 849 would just laugh at me. I shoved my hand to my eye to hide any traces of water.

“Can we just go back to our room, please, I’m tired…”

“Hey! Why wouldn’t we! We have the rest of the day off, don’t we!”

I lifted myself off the floor and carefully smiled. I tried to wander around him, and head for the staircase; keeping a tight grip on the blue-ish handrail, I’m pretty sure I would slip and fall to my death if I didn’t.

“See you in a bit, C – 849” I said.

“Wait! Are you going on without me!”

As expected, he rushed down below me, he probably could have tripped on those tiny steps if he wasn’t so careful, or lucky. I rolled my eyes at him.

“We’ll end up in the same place, let’s just, go back together, and talk.” He said.

“Okay…”

Heh, five flights of stairs. When you have no room to build out, you have to build up. Seven floors to be exact, and then forget to build a lift. It’s like they wanted to physically break us, even before we graduated.

Between the accommodation and school buildings was a courtyard. One with a couple of small trees surrounded by shiny fences and a fountain with equally shiny ilk. It only appeared to work half of the time. Most of the courtyard was pavement though, a stretch of dull squares of deep blue. The environment of the school generally dabbled between pretentiously egotistical or claustrophobically dull. This was the dull part.

C – 849 appeared to be admiring the breeze, or what was left of it. The lack of space between all the buildings made the air feel a lot thinner, even if that wasn’t really the case.

“Woah, shit!”

A buzz rung out and made the ground tremble, an explosion. I slowly moved my eyes back to the academy building, only to see a massive hole. Bricks were flying everywhere. The smell of burning emanating from the atmosphere. Very few screamed, most just tried to run.

I couldn’t find the energy scream, I couldn’t even move. Although there was a persistent ringing inside my ears, yet there was sniggering of who I thought was C – 849 next to me. I watched him skip off to the scene of the crime, without a care in the world.

“Come on, F – 020, what are you waiting for!”

I shook my head, still focusing the great gap in the wall. It was in, what I could make out as, another Morty, just kind of floating. Something around him was buzzing, some kind of green energy it looked like, flickering about like flies; his hair spiked from the static and the damage. Despite whatever strain he was under, he managed to float down from the fourth story and not fall. I caught a glimpse of his rugged face before he bolted off down the path.

“You brat! Get back here!” I heard one of the teachers scream behind me.

They had come to follow him, but appeared to have no chance of catching him. He huffed something under his breath as he reached for his knees, he tired himself out rather quickly.

“That’s – that’s the fi – fifth time 401 is going to need wo-work, fifth time!”

The Rick leant against the side of the building, catching his breath. I slowly etched away from him, I’m pretty sure he hadn’t noticed me, but I really wanted to make sure that he didn’t.

“Aw jeez, F – 020 come see this!” C – 849 was standing over the pile of bricks caused by the collapse.

“Ri-Right…”

I walked over, the Rick was still crouched over and trying to catch his breath.

“You see, Morty F – 020, if there is one thing I’ve learned from my many adventures it’s that you don’t need to waste time thinking about how you are going to outrun horrifying space monster; what you do need to do is think about how you are going to outrun Rick.”

I peered over, what I saw was utterly grotesque. I shut my eyes and tried to block it out, but I had a gut feeling the image would invade my mind for years to come…

“Is – tha – that…”

“A dead body. Yes. Correction, it’s a dead Morty. Another one. Another dead Morty. That’s 3 this month, if I remember right.” C – 849 said, mockingly.

“An- another one?”

“Yes. At this point it’s quite funny we even keep reporting it! It’s kinda feral really.”

“F-feral?”

I used my hands to cover my face, but considered just peeking through a gap in my fingers but hesitated, hiding further behind my hair; something about Mortys killing one another, I found it especially reprehensible.

“This isn’t even the worst I’ve seen a Morty, some of them just get their brains blown out. I’ve seen just pieces of Morty, scattered, everywhere. It was gross! All blood and guts!”

I gently lifted the hand away from my face and brushed my hair from my eyes, I forced them open, I had to make myself look, C – 849 probably would have pushed it away if I hadn’t done it myself.

There wasn’t much blood loss, or at least it didn’t look that way. His head had taken the most damage, a direct blow; luckily, the odd red colour of his hair managed to merge with the liquid pouring from his skull. His eyes were completely crossed and glossy. All of his limbs were in the most grotesque and unnatural positions; his bones must have been utterly contorted by the impact. Some of them even bent in zig-zagged shaped patterns, all sorts of sharp edges. It was almost more disturbing that his bones still managed to be beneath his skin.

I imagined myself holding the gun again, and almost felt as if I did pull the trigger, the very real trigger. I heard the blast inside my head again and wanted to collapse. I couldn’t hold it back anymore and I burst into tears.

I heard some footsteps on the grass behind me, although stifled beneath my sniffles. It wasn’t C – 849, I had no idea what the heck he was doing. It was the teacher who came to stand by us.

“Hey – Morty, calm down, the – the citadel isn’t exactly the safest place, Morty sometimes these things just happen. They were probably in a fight or something, just hang on there, you’ll be out soon.”

He forced a smile, I had no energy or will to smile back.

“Hey! Rick, can we go throw this body out the airlock. Someone gotta do it and I could do with some time out of here.” C – 849 called over.

“Oh, uh – well since you didn’t really do anything I guess it wouldn’t do much harm.”

The teacher looked down to his pocket and pulled out some scraps of paper and a pen.

“It’s C – 849 Sir, that’s my designation. Oh, and F – 020 too!”

“W-why me?” I sniffled.

“I want to show you something.”

“Wi-with the dead body!”

“It’s nothing awful, I promise!” C – 849 grinned at me, while striding over to collect his ‘pass’ from the teacher.

“Jus-Just go with him Morty. Everyone needs to get out this damn place every once in a while, e-especially me.” Rick said, throwing the scrap of paper at me.

I cleared up the last of my tears, wiping them on my sleeve, coughing as they still gripped my throat and made it sting.

C – 849 had picked the body up by just one of its feet and was dragging it across the grass; the blood mixing itself with the muddy ground and creating a putrid coloured sludge. The smell of the ashes and the earth clung to the back of my mouth. Sweet but horrific, I wanted to puke.

“Let’s go then! It’s not too far. It’s actually near where we used to keep the forest.”

“Th-they used to have a forest here?”

“They got rid of it, took up too much room, wasted too much time”

C – 849 handed me a cloth.

∞​

It was monotone, I think the route was specifically chosen by C – 849 so we saw no other Ricks or Mortys, or any organic life whatsoever. It was a series of corridors, mostly confined by tubes and stairways. White ones. No air and no sky to distract us.

I spent most of my time trying to clean up the trail of sickly liquid followed us. I hate how it was left to me, but I suppose that every glimpse I caught of it made the sense of revulsion for it go down in my stomach bit by bit, although I still mostly hated myself for doing it.

We stood by the gate, two of the guards looming over us, one of them with his shoulders hunched and was staring at the floor, the other looking straight ahead with almost a stare. Both of them were behind an unnecessarily huge white door with its imminent stature almost created to make those who looked upon it feel insignificant by comparison.

“Umm, sorry, we can’t let Mortys down here. Go – go back somewhere else.” One of them said.

“Don’t worry, Rick, we’ve got passes, we’ve come from the academy, we’re here to drop a body off.” He handed them the crumbled bit of paper, smug about it.

The guard squinted at it, before tossing it aside and letting it fall to the floor with little regard.

“Be quick about it.”

After a brief ‘wrestle’ with his keys, the guard unlocked the door; revealing an ice coloured chamber-like room with rows of dark windows each containing an abyss. It stretched out into an unknowable distance of loneliness.

“Not to worry Rick! Come on, F – 020, Morty!” C – 849 skipped forward.

“Okay…” I wanted to stare for just a bit longer, but decided to keep walking, C – 849 would want to drag me in if I didn’t.

“This is the airlock, it’s kinda like a graveyard. We don’t bury our dead though, that’ll be impractical. We just throw them into space!”

He was posed over a small silver screen with a few controls, poking around with it, mostly kinds of buttons, red, green and blue. He was waiting for something to happen.

“Hey, do you mind dragging the body over while I open the door?”

I hesitantly looked towards the body. Even though I had spent possibly hours cleaning up the trail of blood I was still disgusted with the idea of moving it. I didn’t want to have blood on my hands, metaphorically or physically.

“Absolutely not!”

“Fine. Be like that. Just a fair warning, you’ll probably have to do it someday, you know.”

He looked up from the screen. I heard a clunking sound from behind me as the circular door opened, giving us both a clearer view of space. C – 849 walked past me, dragging the body behind him before throwing it onto the platform.

From the angle you could see the thousands of tiny marks made along the dead Morty’s neck, like circular silver dots, but none of them uniform. They looked like a misshapen cluster of holes, like the scales on a lizard, or spots created by disease. I imagined myself falling sick if I touched it. Before exiting, C – 849 had knelt down by the body, and was glaring at it with an odd enthusiasm.

“Oh boy, I hadn’t noticed this before. How many marks is that? This Morty was chipped by at least 6, perhaps 7 different Ricks. How did he get abandoned like that, was he that weak of a fighter? He couldn’t have been that weak, if he’s been in so many…”

“He did-didn’t kill those Ricks, did he?”

“Oh no! He just got released by them, abandoned, his Rick didn’t want him. His Rick wanted better Mortys.”

“Better Mortys?”

“He simply wasn’t good enough, now he’ll never get to be good enough.”

He returned to the control-unit and pressed a button, releasing the body into the black chasm. I stepped back, unblinking. I place my arms on a window ledge and placed my hands on my cheeks. I just, let myself look out into nothing.

“You see, F – 020, out there are the bodies of all those who have died on the Citadel, the whole 15 years, with perhaps a few time travel accidents here and there, who am I to know?”

But how can I see them? Their corpses could have been stars in the empty vastness of space.

“Do we even remember who these Ricks and Mortys are?”

“Do you want me to name them or something? What’s the point! They are endless copies of the same fucking person!”

“I’m sorry I asked. Dosen’t this feel wrong to you, at all?”

“The Citadel is a fast-moving place, alright, if we wasted time with petty ‘funerals’ like you had on Earth then we wouldn’t be able to do anything! Do you know how sensitive those Ricks are…”?

Another Morty was approaching us, he looked as chaos incarnate. Hair like a whirlwind with green sparks buzzing like carrion flies are a carcass. Eyes focused, and burning red with arteries like circuit boards, with a bandage slapped around his head, it was hard to tell if it was just some kind of accessory, or he was hiding some long-held scar from view.

My heart skipped a beat, was that who I saw running away earlier? This who committed the murder?

“Tele, why the hell are you here? We haven’t spoken in months!” C – 849 shouted.

“I knew this would come in handy one day!” the Morty showed a piece of paper with messy red handwriting, torn at the sides, it was like the one Rick had given us, but this one had probably been tossed in a drawer for several months.

C – 849 groaned again. “W-why is wha-what are you doing following us!” he tossed his bag aside and crossed his arms.

“I just want to talk to you C you do remember we have the raid tonight?” said the new Morty,

“Raid… The raid. Oh jeez, yes that raid, I remember the raid!”

“What raid? You know this Morty?” I said.

“Yes. I do happen to know, ‘this Morty.’ What’s it to you.”

“He’s a murderer! That’s ‘what it is to me’ C – 849!” I yelled.

“Wait, who is this? He seems, interesting.” The strange Morty tilted his head, looking me in the eye, it made my blood boil.

“Interesting! I don’t need your approval you fucking…”

C – 849 pushed me before I could lash out at him. Dear fucking god I wanted to choke him. I wanted to see his sad face lying on the ground and gasping for air.

“Stop! Just stop.” He said, as his voice echoing against the empty chamber walls.

I felt some of the heat draining from my face and brushed the sweat from my forehead. Marinating a steady gawk at the murderous Morty. He was an animal to me.

“F-020 this is B – 060, he’s one of my old friends.”

“I would rather be called Tele, or just TV, or even Telekinetic if you like.” he butted in.

He stepped forward and stretched his hand out to me. I hesitantly stepped backward, almost using C – 849 as some kind of ‘human shield’.

“Go on!” C – 849 said, as he pressured me to move forward.

“Make me, make me go and greet your ‘friend’.” I snapped back at him.

B-060’s eyes moved from me to the floor. He folded his arms in resignation, then twitched kind of like a sick reaction to the power inside his head.

“It’s – it’s fine. Hey, C, you know, I was thinking we could bring along another Morty to the raid tonight? Can we?” he said.

“Another one? We’ve been planning this for months, what do we need someone else for?” C – 849 said.

“You might kinda hate me, a bit for ch-changing plans like this, but won’t your friend like to come along too?”

“I think it’s pretty clear by now that I don’t want anything to with you!” I spat, he just shook his head.

“There is potential in him, I mean you’ll never guess what he did during the simulation scenario today!”

“C – 849 what the hell!”

“I’ll have to tell you, I think he’s quite the fighter, and just hasn’t realised yet.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I pushed him out the way.

“He nearly managed to kill his Rick! Tried to shoot him apparently, Was it a clean shot F? Was it right in the head?”

“I SAID FUCKING SHUT UP!”

I went to slap C – 849 around his stupid face, a sonic blast, a burst of energy shattered around the air.

My arm pulled back, it could almost have been warped in the blast; It was numb, weak, as if all the muscles in my arm had been twisted. I look up, Tele’s eyes were glowing a sickly green and he had a wide smirk on his face.

“I can do a lot worse, you know.” He sniggered.

“Oh, um Thanks for that, Tele!” C – 849 beamed back at him.

“I see a lot of potential in you, F – 020, is it? I promise if you come, it’ll be exciting, you do want to see more of the Citadel, don’t you?”

“I can see the Citadel without you…” I whimpered.

I shut my eyes, I didn’t want to look at these two anymore.

“Will you, really, or are you just gonna rot at the academy until some Rick uses you as behemoth bait on some unknown planet.”

B – 060’s eyes narrowed. “Do you really think there is another option?”

Potential? What potential?

What was there for me to anticipate? I have absolutely no clue. There were too many gaps in my memory, too many unanswered questions. I didn’t trust him, I didn’t know if there was anyone I could trust. I don’t even know who brought me here.

If the Academy wasn’t going to give me answers, then I would for sure had to search for them myself. However, to trust this Morty, was far past my better judgement.

I did not belong here.

 

[Flaze]

WUBALUBADUBDUB

It's great to see this here after hearing you talk about this for such a long time. I totally hadn't r-read this before, n-nope at all.

But seriously now, it's interesting to see a Rick and Morty fic in Bulba of all things, especially with how rare non-Pokemon fics are. That being said, I think you're the best person to handle these. You have a pretty good hang of how the world of RnM, or at least how the Citadel itself, works based on what we know so far and you manage to build up on it a bit.

That being said, it will be interesting to see how you go about it. After all, the Citadel is comprised of only Ricks and Mortys and while they all have certain traits that are different, they are essentially the same. Now, this is an aspect that the show tends to brush over the rug, but I'm sure you've already thought of exploring how each one of them perceives each other and themselves...since they're the same person really.

Aside from that...well, this is still a first chapter so it's mostly set up. The joke to Pocket Mortys was great, but I don't think anyone that isn't a die hard fan of the show will be able to know where it came from (hell, you had to tell me where it came from to begin with). There's not that much setting description but what we get of the academy paints a good picture of how unnecessarily lavish it all is, while also acting as kind of a parody of academy stories, heck, F-020 and C-849 even remind me of two of my characters from my academy fics, though taken to absolute extremes.

In that regard, their relationship so far is pretty interesting. They fill out the protagonist and best friend role, but it's pretty twisted in how 849 is just kind of dragging F-020 into something that could clearly spell trouble for the both of them. Whether the two of them are actually friends is still debatable as well, especially since 849 doesn't' have much consideration for what 020 seems to think or feel about the particular situation they're in. The fact that he's gone through many Ricks and that he has developed a disinterest in the Citadel and what goes on there also makes me wonder just what kind of life this Morty led before joining, which is another aspect I hope you explore in more detail.

But overall, it's all scratching the surface of things here. I do wonder if we'll get to see a Rick that actually plays a role in the story though, the way you showed the difference between the four ricks we saw in this chapter gives me hope that maybe there could be one that actually plays a big role...granted it is Rick and Morty so I guess that's a given.

The big issue I had with the chapter might be with the pacing and the way it moved a bit. It all happened kind of quickly and even though the chapter itself was pretty long it still felt like not much happened. I know it's mostly because it was a first chapter, and taking that into account it works well as one, but it's just something to keep in mind going forward. The other thing I'd recommend would probably putting a bit more description in regards to the setting to give us a bigger sense of place, but you're doing it pretty well for now.

Either way, it works a good start for a story and I'll keep on reading.

 

[Persephone]

Thank you for showing us what you've got.

As I think I've mentioned elsewhere, my knowledge of the show amounts to being in a room with some friends as they watched some episodes from the first two seasons. So I can't quite say that I "get" the concept here as it works in canon, but I do understand the general tone and dynamics of the show.

And you did those justice as far as I can tell. Rick is essentially amoral beyond the pursuit of petty, meaningless things because capitalism metaphors. Morty is stuck in the middle of an utterly pointless cosmic horror story that's still somehow a tad better to him than conventional life. So even with the abundance of Ricks and Morty's, all felt like they could at least be a version of their canon character. Which is hard, by the way. It's why a lot of people in the pokemon fandom like to stay as far away from canon things as possible.

I had a pretty good idea what was going on, which given my lack of knowledge of the plot and the inanity of the world is not a backhanded compliment.

For the sake of the monthly challenge, I'm going to talk about F and C for a bit. F strikes me very much as the Morty from at least the first two seasons (albeit if this is true that might not be the same Morty at all points). He's genuinely terrified of everything around it but also oddly accepting of the Citadel's weirdness and has a lot of anger right beneath the surface. C doesn't bother with the surface dichotomy and I get the impression that F is scared of him as much out of fear of him as fear of what C could bring out in himself. Like how he ends up almost choking someone to death in the same chapter as he reacted in horror to a corpse. So that's a good dynamic that manages to be more about who the protagonist is than the actual characters. If you subscribe to "the entirety of a story is the protagonist's journey" view or something close, that makes it a very well done relationship for only having one chapter to set it up.

My complaints are technical. I lost my multiquote so I can't post it here, but you should re-read things. There are a lot of basic syntax and spelling errors throughout the story that distract from the flow. And when my main complaints are technical, well, you know I don't hold back in my reviews. It's a good story and I can't find much to fault it on in the first chapter.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Chapter II​

Ricks were not a tidy bunch, as a result most Mortys at the academy had to clean their own rooms. None of them did, of course. Almost every angle of the building was a sharp contrast to the seemingly pristine Academy: the yellow carpets of the room were stained brown from overuse and spilt drinks, the draws and headboards scattered with dust, empty plastic cups and papers that had been there so long they could have fused with the ground, it was an utter dirt ridden mess. There was also little money put towards insulation, heat, sound or otherwise; so even whilst I was hiding under the bed, I could hear C – 849 arguing with his so-called friend.

“Hey F – 020”

I heard the door bang against the wall as he closed it.

“I can see you, stop trying to hide from me! Not like you can run, you’ve already tried that, and it sure went swimmingly”

∞​

I saw C – 849 and B – 060 leaving to go back the academy’s complex. Chattering like awful friends do. I had been too enraged to think clearly, but at least I hadn’t lashed and attempted to kill them.

I had torn myself away from them, bolted down the airlock chambers, and hoped they wouldn’t notice me, they didn’t. Either that or they let me run.

They probably knew I would have to end up back at the Academy some time. The airlock, far smaller than I anticipated, quickly forced me into a dead end where I could only sit in nervous anticipation of what would happen to me.

The Rick guards must have taken some pity on me, seeing as they didn’t throw me into space.

“Morty, why have you been down here so long”

“Mortys shouldn’t really be here.”

“You’re in the academy, right?”

“Well, well, back you go.” They told me.

One of them brought me all the way back here, giving me a warning that I shouldn’t come back unless I was actually dead.

∞​

“Shut up!” I told him, although I could only see a rough grey-ish outline of his head from under the bedsheets, I made out he was shaking his head at me.

“He said he won’t come without you, he’s entirely adamant you need to be there.”

“Tell him I’m not going, and I would r-rather rot and die.”

“He dosen’t care.”

“We’ve been planning this for months, F – 020, and it means something to the both of us, if you can’t do it for yourself, can you at least help me?”

I didn’t want to help him, yet I felt the obligation. C – 849 was the only one who showed me around this goddamn building when I ‘arrived’ here. He reassured me that the fact I had lost my memory didn’t make it impossible for me to cope with living on the Citadel. He even promised I would recover it someday, somehow. I was also just thankful he was my roommate, that he could just put up with me. No matter how awful he was, he was still someone I could consider a friend.

“I-I’m sorry…”

I stopped hiding. B – 060 was still out there, and so close to us, it unsettled me.

C – 849 looked at me solemnly, “There is no way out of this.” he said.

“He’s go-gonna hang out there like a carrion bird ‘till we both come out of here, isn’t he?” I said.

C – 849 laughed. “Yeah, but be quiet or he’ll hear you.”

“I can tell that you were kind of pissed at me earlier. I’m sorry, I was just kinda, enthusiastic about you challenging Rick and all…”

“But you we were very wrong to think I would ever kill one with no go-good re-reason for it…” I sniffed.

“Perhaps I’m corrected.”

“D-damn rri-ght you are!”

My throat was sore, I felt as if I was choking again. I wiped some of the tears from my eyes and stood up.

“It won’t be for long, we’ll get back as soon as we can." He looked from side to side before lowering his voice. “It’s nothing drastic, we just need to take something, that’s all. You won’t die or nothing.”

“I won’t die? Is th-that r-right?”

Even if I didn’t trust B – 060, what he said kept mulling over in my head. Despite what little I’ve seen here, I could already tell being pent up in this place was a dreadful idea. I didn’t know how long C – 849 had been here, far longer than me for sure and he was so unsettled, so incredibly distressed. I wondered what would actually happened to me personally if I had stayed here; perhaps I would have grown too apathetic to fight back, to fight at all or worse I could have become volatile, lethal, just as some of the others here appeared to be.

I shuddered at the thought.

Although I was apparently safe here, it was draining me, teaching me nothing, giving me nothing. I didn’t have much hope of recovering my memory or the opportunity to really do anything else.

I rubbed my eyes and blinked slowly at C – 849, I hoped he wouldn’t he see that I was crying again. He must have thought me to be pretty pathetic by now, if he didn’t already.

An echo boomed from outside of the room.

“What exactly is going on? C, F? You’re both just lucky I’m not a T-Telepathic Morty.”

“Ummm, just a second Tele!”

“Just to see the Citadel, just for one night right, I can choose where I go after that?”

“Choose? Where do you plan on going after?”

“I don’t k-know actually, b-but, I can decide, when I get to it.”

I was hit with the sudden prospect of being alone, and gulped.

“Let me come in or I’ll rip the door handle off!” there was a high-pitched grinding sound as B – 060 had started to run his nails along the back of the door.

C – 849 covered his ears. “Alright! You can come in.”

The scratching ceased “Perfect!”

B – 060 stormed in, letting the door fall behind him, it somehow made a larger bang than when C – 849 had swung it open. I jumped a little, moving to step away from him in the little space I had.

“Are we leaving, then?”

His green energy patterned across the room, like glitter but it did seem weaker than the last time I saw it. His expression was stern, although the grin on his face had me uncertain. He was carrying a rather large leather satchel, one that looked pretty heavy, I wondered what sort of weird shit he had in there.

“Oh. Yes! I’m sorry about the wait. F – 020 is definitely coming, aren’t you!” said C – 849, shoving me in the side rather joyfully. I nervously moved my eyes in his direction.

“Ye- Yes I am!”

“That’s g-great!” he clapped his hands together, as if he was asserting some kind of victory. He marched to the window and looked out into the ‘night sky’.

The Citadel had no proper ‘night’ and ‘day’ cycles. The sky was artificial and inconsistent. When I had first arrived here, C – 849 had told me that sometimes the Rick who was running it had completely forgotten to switch from ‘night’ to ‘day’ in 52 hours, he said it was because the Rick had been depressed and was determined to mull over his anguish. I could have attributed my new-found restlessness to some kind of ‘space jet lag’ but that would have been too simplistic; nobody here seemed to bother with the whole notion of ‘time’, It simply didn’t matter here.

“You know, since we checked in tonight anyway, it’ll be far easier for us to get away if we leave by the window.”

B – 060 let a mere hint of a cold ‘breeze’ into the room. He turned around from the window, the dark lights outside highlighting, his already naturally glowing frame.

“You know we can’t all float, like you can!” C – 849 spat.

“We’re going to use the bedsheets as a rope, idiot.”

He started manually tying them, His hands shaking while he so, with his eyes unfocussed like they were in pain.

“There w-we go!”

“Aren’t you lucky we only live on the third floor.” C – 849 said, dryly.

He threw the bedsheet rope onto the ground and grumbled something to himself. I think the flickering around his body was getting weaker still.

C – 849 walked past him and picked up it up. He looked at it with some strange sense of sadness, before throwing it out the window. He peered over, checking its length.

“Seems alright. Guess I’ll be going first.”

He placed his foot onto the narrow ledge. I had a vision of him falling off of it, and into the night sky, plummeting to his death. Would I be blamed for it? I’m not even sure if anyone else would even care if he did.

He slipped away, smoothly into the gloom, as if he had natural grace for such things. He called back to us, almost as soon as he had faded away from us.

“Finished! It’s your turn Tele!” he called.

B – 060 shrugged and shook. He still seemed thoroughly disturbed. There were grey marks under his eyes and his eyelids fluttered. He stumbled a little on his way over to the window too, as if it was too much for him to even put one foot in front of the other.

“On my way!”

He stood with two feet on the, I’m not even sure if he was quite able to look where he was going. Could he just float out? No, he grabbed the rope and slowly lowered himself down instead.

Then it was my turn.

There must have been one memory with Rick, or anyone where I had done something like this. Something buried in my psyche that didn’t find this somewhat horrifying. I couldn’t find anything. This is what many other Mortys go through, this should have been something normal. My amnesia meant I had only heard stories, and the bullshit Ricks seemed to be able to create were ridiculous and what the Mortys learned to put with, even more so.

“F, we need you, hurry the hell up!”

I could run now, but then they could just come back up here and probably push me out. I sprinted to the window, put my head outside. The Citadel’s attempt to recreate the night air was surprisingly, nicer than I expected; awkwardly comforting, it was something trying to be what it clearly was not. I could only admire the effort.

The ‘rope’ was tied close to the window, I saw C – 849 and B – 060 below me, it looked like C – 849 was smiling, it was reassuring at the same time it was unsettling.

I grabbed onto it, placing my feet onto the wall and slid down; my eyes were closed the whole journey, so it seemed as if very little time had passed. It was far less terrifying than I expected it would have been, and the uncanny stillness of the false night-time was somewhat soothing.

The complete silence of the outside, especially after the earlier explosion was rather stunning. I could hear but a faint humming in the distance. I wanted it to be an insect of some kind, like a firefly or grasshopper, but it was more than likely Rick-made machinery. The air smelt like burning; although there was no smoke from any direction, yet it still bogged down the atmosphere and made it seem ominous.

“I guess it’s time to go then.” said C – 849.

He tugged the ‘rope’ and it fell into a pile on the floor. I skipped away from it, to avoid it colliding with my face.

“What a-are you going to do with that?” B – 060 asked. “We can’t just bury it in a bush or something, they might fi-find it and suspect it later.”

C – 849 looked back down at the white spiral on the pavement as he thought to himself.

“You’ll be right with that, can you fit it in your bag Tele?”

B – 060 shrugged, his bright eyes moving from his friend and then onto the floor. Without a word he went to pick it up and began to stuff it in his bag. I was surprised at the room he had, perhaps the bag was actually one of those tricks where something that looked small on the outside was actually big on the inside. He then went on ahead, following the path that led away from the Academy, he beckoned C – 849 to shadow him, he nodded and continued to stick to him closely. I stood back. I saw B – 060’s eyes flash as he twisted his face back to look at me.

“It’s not far, trust us, we know wh-what we are doing.” He said.

I nodded, shuddering from the cold a little, before forcing myself to continue on behind them. The murky air of the night time weighing on my lungs.

∞​

We found ourselves in a rather shabby district of a city, which I swore, was exclusive to Ricks. We had ducked behind buildings, avoided streetlights and thrown ourselves down shady alleyways all the avoid potentially getting caught. It was a very quiet evening too, I guessed B – 060 had chosen this night on purpose for that reason.

It was surprising to me that this ‘Rick exclusive’ seeming district wasn’t too far from the Academy itself. I would have assumed the ‘Rick’ and ‘Morty’ areas would be kept on the opposite sides of the Citadel.

“Here’s the place.” B – 060 said in a faint voice.

He looked back at me and C – 849, we were crouched behind him. In front of us, and around the corner stood a dark building with lavish purple and blue fluorescent lighting. I couldn’t quite make out the words or patterns, but the colours made it seem as if it wanted to reflect the galaxy, in an idealised way at least. Not in the dark, listless way it really was.

“This is where he does his readings? I imagined it be a lot grander than this.” C – 849 whispered.

“He? It’s ‘Fortune Teller Rick’ his desi-designation is something like T – 201. He’s not very popular, a lot of Ricks don’t favour supposed pseudo-science like this” Said B – 060.

“Jeez, why so specific? We’re just stealing the Tarot Cards, right? That’s all.” C – 849 said.

“Yes, just the cards.” B – 060 nodded, before returning his focus to the street.

“So, when is it we strike?”

“Soon!”

A Rick walked out of the building, wearing a brown coat, it was warm and suited to the cold weather. His hands noticeably in his pockets and his head faced down onto the ground. He stumbled forward; we all ducked further into the dark in hope of not being seen, this Rick didn’t seem to care though, his eyes were only focused on the pavement. He passed by us without a taking a second look.

B – 060 dumped his large satchel bag and dropped it onto the pavement, the patterned lights made it look a deep, murky fuchsia rather than brown. He withdrew a pair of scissors from it, all silver. It caught the light of the false galaxy and twinkled.

“Umm, F can you hold st-sill a second.”

“W-w-h” before I could say anything else, B – 060 had used the scissors to swiftly cut a scar into my face. It wasn’t too deep, but was deep enough to make me bleed.

“Wh-what did you do that for!” I shouted.

“Sssh be quiet and don’t worry, it’s just going to make our job a lot easier.”

I slowly moved my eyes over to C – 849 who was sitting next to me, his expression kind of shocked, I think he was trembling too. In aggravation? In fear? I wasn’t quite sure.

“Here’s your gun, C.” he snatched it away from him.

“Alright, Tele.”

B – 060 sighed.

“Alright, time to move in, F – 020, you’ll need to go in first, just wait for us, we’ll be in soon. Yeah?” C – 849 said.

“Why, WHY now.”

Even just entering the building around a small corner seemed, daunting. Not to mention I was still bleeding from the scissor blade wound. I stood up, but was hesitant to make any step further.

“What do you even w-want me to do!”

“Just go in, or I’ll push you.” B – 060 said, bitterly.

“Fine f-fine!” I managed to resist yelling at him again.

I tip-toed around the edge of the shop front. Before eyeing the door, I move in even more slowly, being careful not to fall as I did. I felt as if I was losing control, little by little. The streetlights and the blue were merging together. Oh god, I can’t do this. Why can’t I do this!

I stumbled into the Rick’s tiny room. It was warm inside, warmer than the cool coloured light might have suggested. It was a deep purple with golden patterned wallpaper. I took a moment to catch my breath, slow my heart rate. Something about this place made me feel a lot safer, safer than I thought I would be. There was a wide array of books, many of them probably older than they looked. A Rick was sorting out some cards on a desk, going through each of them with a sharp eye and look of frustration. Also sitting on his desk was what looked like a crystal ball, shining as it took in the rich colours of its surroundings and echoed them back into something beautiful.

“Oh h-hey Morty. What are you doing here?” The Rick looked up from his desk. He was well-kept, for a Rick at least; a reflection of his choice of interior design probably. Otherwise he seemed dressed pretty normal for a Rick, nothing to really indicate he was some kind of fortune teller, or someone willing to be one here.

“Um, I – I wa- was ju”

He came towards me, his hair seemed a little softer, in form and colour more like a lavender than blue and clearly fluffy.

“Whoa, what, are y-you alright there.”

The fear rose inside me again, I can’t move, I won’t move.

“I d- don’t know.”

There was a sense of sorrow in the Rick’s face I didn’t expect, he frowned, but in genuine concern, rather than in annoyance or disgust.

“You seem hurt, where did you get that scar from?”

“I – I go-got it wh-”

“It’s no matter, Morty. A Morty shouldn’t be here we need to get ya back somehow.”

“I-I’m from the a-acad”

“The academy, Morty? That’s kind of far isn’t it!”

I just nodded, all I felt I could do.

“Hm, I don’t know if I can leave the store though, Morty.” He shrugged and looked away from me.

“I can get ya a map or something, make sure you g-get back courtesy of me! Won’t be long, Morty.”

“Uhh, O-okay?”

He skipped to the other side of the room and begun sorting through some drawers, shoving out several bits of paper as he shuffled.

“Now! Move in now!”

There was screaming.

B – 060 and C – 849 burst through the door, C – 849 holding a rather impressive looking black gun. His pupils constricted in revulsion, in focus.

“Wha-What the?” The Rick threw his arms up in the air, as he screamed.

C – 849 went ahead and pulled the trigger, he took his shot at Rick, right at the head.

He fell backward, I could see how deep the flashing bullet had gone into his skull. A gaping mass, with blood pouring from all directions like a fountain. The blue of his hair mixing with it, creating shades of violet along his skull. The taste of acid rushed and bubbled through my mouth, something in the pit of my stomach dropped. I knelt down to the ground, and tried not to throw up.

He lied to me. Why had they used me? Why did they…

I couldn’t accept what was happening, I denied it. I revolted it. The tears and snot guzzling in my throat, I heard the other two Mortys, muttering something. I didn’t want to see them, I didn’t want to see this place. Seeing a corpse was one thing, playing a part in its creation was another. I felt as if something had been taken from me, one of the few in this hell society that dare show some form of kindness, of course they would end up fucking dead.

“Are these the cards?”

“No, wh-where did you get those from!”

There was the sound of crashing objects behind me. They meant to leave the room as if a typhoon hit it. Were they really still just looking? Or was this all for spite?

“That’s it! I’ve got the cards, t-time to hurry up and go”

“Just ‘get the cards’ um, how are we gonna use them if we don’t know what they mean?”

“You think I have n-no idea what Tarot me-means?”

More crashing, the crystal ball broken. I stayed close to the body, some strange, hidden hope in my head it might come back.

“Meanings, find the meanings Tele, they are gonna be useless otherwise!”

“Stop doubting me!”

“Take the book, Tele! Goodness sake.”

One final push, the bookcase collapsing.

“What’s up with F over there.”

“Aw jeez, be easy on him Tele, he’s an amnesiac you know.”

I opened my eyes.

“F, come on, we’re leaving!” B – 060 sounded completely out of breath and it looked as if he struggling to stand up straight, as if there was a massive invisible weight on his back. The circles under his eyes even darker and more vivid than before. C – 849 stood next to him, and by comparison, I never saw him look more alive.

I wanted to scream at them, but I couldn’t manage more than a groan through all of my tears.

That stupid bedsheet rope was still in his bag, I wonder if I could take it out and straggle them both with it.

My third day on the Citadel, it already seems as if my worst nightmare. Pictures of blood ran through my mind, I wanted them to be drenched in blood. I wanted them dead. I wanted them to receive justice, what they did, what they made me do I just wanted…

“Hey, earth to F – 020 we’re leaving, do you want to get caught by cops or something?”

My tears were still flooding my face, I was frozen.

“I, I, I’ll be coming t-to you i-in a se-second…”

My eyes adjusted, after I had hidden them for so long, it all seemed bright to me.

“We, will wait outside, don’t be too long. It’s not safe for you, yeah.” C – 849 cracked a grin, as if he was trying to reassure me somehow, it wasn’t working. The two of them turned away and left.

The room didn’t seem like a sanctuary as it had before, entirely ransacked. Part of me felt as if I had been here already, or at least knew the feeling of looking upon such a place. Paper had been sprinkled all over the floor in various directions, B – 060 must had taken some but couldn’t have fit all of them in his bag at once.

There were some blood stains on the floor, less than I expected, the two of them must have been careful not to get any on their shoes. The blood in the room was mostly, was the blood covering the Rick’s face.

The purple of the room now felt cold, not comforting. I wandered over to where the papers had been spread out. Mostly of them were full of strange patterns, and numbers I couldn’t quite understand what they meant. I picked a few of them up to take a closer look:

-
READING: 17 TIME: 11: 11 SPREAD: COMMIUNITY [WHOLE CITADEL], CROSS OF TRUTH SPREAD.

QUESTION [REDACTED]

1: PRESET SITUATION [TWO OF SWORDS]

2: DESIRE [0: THE FOOL]

3: HELPING ENERGY [13: DEATH]

4: CHALLENGEING ENERGY [PAGE OF SWORDS]

5: OUTCOME [ACE OF WANDS]
-

There were no further instructions. The most basic of notes with no conclusions drawn. But why a reading for the whole Citadel, though? I looked back at the Rick, his body still lying on the mauve carpet. His coat seemed to shimmer slightly, like the scales on a fish, or a mermaid. It was almost mystically untouched by his blood, apart from a few small markings around the neck. I could only just hold myself back from crying again. I went back over to the corpse and took its coat. A little big for me, I’ll admit, but at least it was cosy. I don’t think many Mortys take to wearing a Rick coat; I was just a normal Morty, there was nothing that stood out about me, I didn’t even have any memory to hang onto. I could see myself having some identity with this. I could honour this dead Rick too. He would more than likely have nobody to remember them too.

I can hear C – 849’s words echo in my head, ‘you’ll probably have to do it someday, you know’. Someday. SOMEDAY. It burned me up inside, I wanted to see him dead.

I wished I could hate him.

I took a look at the papers again, the Citadel’s supposed future? I doubted it, yet it haunted me.

I folded it neatly and placed it in the Rick’s, my, coat pocket. I kept my head down, no doubt the others were still yelling for me to leave.

“F? F! There you are!” C – 849 was calling out to me.

They hidden around another street corner, which no streetlights touched, they were entirely in the dark. I twisted my head, so I could make out their faces. I wanted to imagine them crushed, ruined. I wanted…

Images, painful images flowed through my mind. I can still see the poor Morty, drifting into space. On the edge of nothing. I felt some of my rage start to melt away. I can’t be them, I won’t be them. In the end, they are still me, I can be a me that’s better than them. I hate them, but I can’t destroy them. No matter how bloody my thoughts became, I will dedicate myself to being better than them.

“Took you a while. Why the heck are you wearing that?” B – 060 twitched, he wasn’t glowing as had before, at all. But his bright eyes still seemed to scan me with the same cold indifference.

“I- I gu-ess I have an identity now?” I looked away from him and placed my hands in the pockets. “I’m no-t just ‘Morty Smith’ anymore…”

“Well, it is something!” C – 849 said. “Guess you’re getting a bit more comfortable here after all?”

I could refute that statement, but I didn’t have the energy and it was too true for me to fight against. Eyes heavy and muscles tight, all I wanted to do was sleep.

C – 849 turned to B – 060, his movements stiff. “So, are we, destroying the building?” he asked.

“No, it won’t matter either way, they’ll try and find us, but they’ll give up quickly due to a lack of evidence. They simply won’t care.” B – 060 had a surprising clarity. Despite how noticeably lethargic he seemed. “You see, if we had just taken the cards, then, surely T – 201 would have come after us, because of his career, T – 201 leads a life as one of the freest Ricks on the Citadel, and therefore is one of the most relentless.”

“He, seemed, n-nice to me?”

“Nice dosen’t cut it!” C – 849 spoke. “You can trust a Rick, about as far as you can throw a Rick, we’re Mortys, we can’t throw a shotput more than a few centimetres. There is no way we can throw a Rick.”

“Don’t worry, F, C where we’re going they won’t bother to look. Only Mortys are welcome there. The Ricks fear they’ll end up dead.”

“Oh boy, that means we’re going…”

“Yes, there, let’s get a move on, night and day is but a switch of a light.”

 

[Flaze]

Well things are starting to get interesting. Originally chapter 2 threw me back a bit due to the in media res start and that it was a bit hard to really figure out what had happened. However, I do like the way in which you treat your description and it honestly flows really well, the chapters (or at least chapter 1 and 2) are also paced pretty well, with no part feeling particularly slow. That being said, the pacing can get a little fast at times with how quickly some events happen.

Story and character wise, a lot went on in this one. For one I’m glad that F isn’t exactly friends with C and B, and rather, he actively hates them with a passion, which is different from what you get in these types of fics. Tele and C also stand out pretty well in that there’s parts of them that I like (Tele’s fear of heights and C’s confident attitude) mixed with things that just…make them look like real assholes. This works to add more depth to them…most of the time, they still end up being mostly asshole and it’s clear that we’re meant to treat them as such as the time being.

Unfortunately, F’s own feelings about them also affects this story quite a lot. F’s constant thoughts on how he wishes they could just die are certainly…powerful, but having those same thoughts stated to us multiple times can also be redundant and removes some nuances from the story. I know that at this point it’s mostly a thing that has to do with the POV more than anything, after all, first person is one that allows you to actively get into your characters minds.

The problem with said approach is that sometimes you can dive too much into them (I’m hugely guilty of this myself as you know), so either mixing it up with some other thoughts or actions or just doing away with reminding us that F hates Tele’s and C’s guts so much could help improve things on that end.

As for the story itself. You did a good job of highlighting the issues that Morty’s face at living in the Citadel, managing to expand on what was shown in the show while also still implementing things that make sense. I also like that you showed that not all Ricks are alike and, in true Rick and Morty fashion, that all Ricks that aren’t like Rick are eventually fated to die a horrible death or be ridiculed for being different…tis sad, but true I guess.

Either way, the scene where F meets Fortuneteller Rick was really well done, showcasing one of them better aspects of the show that a lot of people ignore, that for as different and destructive as Rick and Morty’s relationship is the two of them still manage to understand and get along with each other at a deeper level. Their relationships might be doomed to fail but they can still find comfort in each other from time to time.

Of course I’m not saying that it’s okay, after all, the majority of Ricks (even the main Rick we follow on the show) abuse and disregard their Morty, but it does add some more nuance to the whole issue by showing how it can both help and hurt.

All of that adds up to the last part where F takes Fortuneteller’s coat, which admittedly looks kind of cool to imagine Morty wearing Rick’s coat and it really helps to set F apart from the rest of the Mortys.

Anyways, chapter 2 acts as a great way to show off more of the character’s personalities as well as things in the Citadel. I do want to point out that at this point I think it would help to also expand a bit on the description of the setting, it works for me because I’ve watched the show and while most people that read this will surely be in the same boat, it’s still not bad to give it a bit of a try in regards to describing it more.

I’m also curious to see what exactly Tele’s powers entail as well as what the cards are even supposed to mean, heck, a bit more introspection on the characters is in order but I’m sure we’ll be going into that soon.

So anyway, good work on the chapter there friend. I’ll be staying tune for the next one, though next time maybe don’t shot off the likeable character so quickly

 

[Ghostsoul]

Originally chapter 2 threw me back a bit due to the in media res start and that it was a bit hard to really figure out what had happened.

Do you think the opening works? I wasn't too sure if I should have perhaps placed that 200 words or so in the previous chapter. But if it works slipped in there I'll keep it.

but having those same thoughts stated to us multiple times can also be redundant and removes some nuances from the story.

I agree with you, I think I just wanted to make sure that F- 020's hatred of the two of them came across a lot stronger than in the first chapter, I mean he was pretty hateful back then, I just needed to somehow one-up that hatred. I did think I perhaps went a bit overboard.

or just doing away with reminding us that F hates Tele’s and C’s guts so much could help improve things on that end.

I feel like it's partly due to F's personality at the same time, and his tendency to freeze up when bad stuff happens to him, which makes sense considering that he's new to the Citadel and is still coming to grips with how awful it is. Along with his own morality kind of preventing him from actually taking such actions.

after all, the majority of Ricks (even the main Rick we follow on the show) abuse and disregard their Morty

Arsehole Ricks coming up! soon.

though next time maybe don’t shot off the likeable character so quickly

I'll try! or not.

 

[Persephone]

Line-by-line first

Ricks were not a tidy bunch, as a result most Mortys had the academy had to clean their own rooms.

]
at the academy

the yellow carpets of the room were stained brown from overuse and spilt drinks, the draws and headboards scattered with dust, empty plastic cups and papers that had been there so long they could have fused with the ground, it was an utter dirt ridden mess.

I think there should be a semicolon or period between "ground" and "it" towards the end but that could just be in proper American.

There was also little money put towards insulation heat, sound or otherwise;

comma after insulation

I had torn myself away from them, bolted down the airlock chambers, and hoped they wouldn’t notice me, they didn’t.

Same note about a semicolon or period between "me" and "they"

They probably knew it, I would have to end up back at the Academy some time

"They probably knew I would have to..."

I told him, although I could only see a rough grey-ish outline of his head from under the bedsheets, I made out he was shaking his head at me.

Period after him. Capitalize "although." Sentences are about different things

goddman building

I think you mean "goddamn"

it somehow made a large bang than when

"larger bang"

“Finished, it’s your turn Tele!”

Finished! It's...

This chapter built up ore slowly for me. I can't say I found the early parts too interesting, although I can't quite put my finger on why. The last bit with the good Rick and Morty's dealings with him... I liked that a lot. It felt more real and human than anything else so far.

Morty, as before, is written close enough to canon I buy it.

 

[lucarioknight56]

For the Review Game:

Plot/Story:
The story so far in Chapter 1 is...interesting. I've heard of Rick and Morty, but I've never actually watched any of it. The dimensional copies of the main characters are certainly an intriguing point, and I can see that the story will be interesting with the rather shy main character teaming up with two half-mad powerhouses.

Grammar/Structure:
Overall pretty well done, but there are some rather obvious errors in spelling throughout the first half of it. Its not much worse than the occasional word, but it still detracts from reading it.

Characters:
I can't say I'm the best judge, considering that I've never watched the show. The personalities seem pretty realistic, if one-sided at times. The dominant traits are certainly evident, and their motivations are clear. Bit full of bloodlust, which I guess is...normal, in this world?

Setting:
There isn't much to say on setting. You do a good jo describing the area before going into character interactions, much like I do for my stories. It gets the job done without tang too much time, and that's good enough.

Style:
Honestly, its good to read, but its not for me. I'm fine with the occasional description of gruesome scenes, but I'm not a fan of extensive language use. I know that your keeping it true to the show itself, and I know that I'm not the target audience as this is a fan fiction of the show. Its more personal than anything.

Overall:
You've got a good story in the works, even if I don't necessarily care for it too much myself. Just work on getting those errors corrected, and you'll be fine.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Chapter III​

I was so fucking tired of running.

I could have left them, roam the streets of the Citadel like a spectre. I still couldn’t bear the thought of being alone, so I kept following them like a helpless pet.

At least this hostel seemed warm.

I sat with C – 849 while B – 060 was at the reception desk, looking out of the window periodically; Mortytown was a grotesque place. I saw about 5 different fires on our way here and everyone looked like they wanted to kill me. Many of the citizens were either huddling around poorly made fires or abandoned buildings. They were glaring at each other, with occasional nasty snarls. Graffiti peppered various street signs and brick walls, most of them with various colourful slogans which I couldn’t interpret. Most of the area was permeated by hues of grey, aside from the bright graffiti tags,

Some shops, and other small businesses had managed to keep some kind of upkeep. This Hostel specifically, seemed to be in relatively good condition. However, they still had the air of dinginess and instability. If they weren’t rotting away on the outside, then they probably were on the inside.

I was falling asleep in my chair; I would have slept if it wasn’t from my brain jerking me awake. C – 849 was tapping his feet on the floor and fidgeting with his hair, as if some kind of motor was buzzing through him.

“This is the other option we have, as opposed to the academy. Mortytown, what do you think so far?”

“Then wha-what the hell did you do back there?” I snarled. “Why did you lie to me like th-that?”

C – 849 leaned closer to me, so that he was right up against my face. I could see his shrunken irises and little beads of sweat pouring from his face.

“I had no choice.”

“Wh-what do you mean, no choice? You hate it here, y-yet you choose to wreck yo-your life at the academy. Wh-what’s the matter w-with you?”

“You don’t know Tele, you know him as a killer, but that’s all. He’s more than that, he’s the sort of Morty that would slit your throat if he thought your jacket looked nice.”

“Then, w-why-”

“F, F, I’m so sorry.”

He pulled away from me in an instant, B – 060 had returned. He loomed over us, the red marks on his head indicating his physical strain.

“I’ve got us a room for 62 hours. That should be enough time for the authorities to grow listless.”

“Which floor?”

“Seventh floor” he threw the keys into C – 849’s lap. “We’re at the very top.”

∞​

I didn’t expect the place to have a lift, yet still held some fury at having to go up any number of stairs.

They still held plentiful rooms on the top floor, which I didn’t expect. Rows and rows of rooms, all with plain white doors and a single number on the front of them, written in a thick, black font. They could have been prison cells.

We were in room 716, which was just as monochrome as the rest of the city, although by comparison the room was functional, and at least somewhat tidy. It had muddied, kind of grey brown windows. Three beds lined up along the left wall, with a small circular desk on one side, and large window on the other. B – 060 sat there, fiddling with each of the cards. He had placed them out in various orders but considering how much he insisted on shuffling them, it was clear he was never happy with the placement. I could only watch.

“Where’s the death card, isn’t that supposed to be a bad omen?”

“Have you even looked at this, you’re shuffling them wrong. That’s not what death means! That isn’t even a proper spread! It’s just the same one you’ve seen in movies.” C – 849 stood above him, flipping through a sparkling, ocean blue hardback book. The one they stole.

“What is it with these number cards, are they supposed to be in the deck, I say we take them out.”

“Yes, they’re supposed to be in the deck how many tarot cards did you think that there were?”

“F-Fifty-three?” B – 060 put his head down.

“There’s seventy-eight, and yes, you have to keep them in there.”

“But it’ll be easier with- ”

“But you’re supposed to use them, in a majority of readings, they aren’t optional!”

“Well I’m doing my reading.”

“Do you even have a placement for these cards? What are you trying to get at?”

“Ugh! Enough!”

C – 849 grew flustered, his hands faltered, and the book fell to the floor. B – 060 flipped his head back upwards, I couldn’t make out his expression from this side of the table, but it was enough to horrify him, whatever it was.

“Screw this.” B - 060 he got up from the chair and thrust it to the side.

“I suppose you want to know the reality of my plan to our freedom.” He glared at C – 849, and then to me.

“We’re using it to find the right time to escape, finding the best way to get out of here, isn’t that it.” C – 849 forced a smile.

“It was more than just a simple precaution, C” he wandered over to the other side of the room and started to lean against the window.

“It’s about the very painful root of our existence.”

“Root of existence?” C – 849 questioned.

“The multiverse isn’t quite as random or chaotic as one might perceive it to be, it in fact leads itself to be consistent in some areas. Some things can even become inescapable.”

“You’re saying that we’re stuck here?” C – 849’s eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“Not at all. Really, it’s more than chaos, we aren’t hurt because the multiverse is simply an uncaring, inconceivable amalgamation. It doesn’t bring the living pain just for the act of existence alone. It’s a lot worse than that; for some, especially those who come into the margin of others that dare push its boundaries it becomes outright sadistic.”

The windowsill was rather small, yet B – 060 seemed to find a way to sit on it. I could make out the lights of the world outside him.

“Ricks and Mortys can almost be seen as one of these universe constants, yet not one of their meetings is something that would be considered doomed. Regardless of the dimension, they will always hurt one another, condemned by the reins of infinity, to live in permanent states of sorrow.”

Doomed Meeting? Is that really the reason he had for killing all those people? This was all a means to a fucking end to him? Some abstract end to a means at that. His smug face grinning at us. How could be so certain?

“But this destiny is only as much a part of the universe as Rick’s own influence. I have found a way to avert it, a way we can take control for ourselves.”

Control, I admit that’s something I had very little for myself. But wouldn’t giving my faith in control to this monster defeat the purpose of aiming for such a thing?

“Ricks need Mortys, they need obedient Mortys, they’ll obey Ricks just as the multiverse itself seems to. Rick has subjected himself onto us, just as he has the universe.”

“What sort of freedom is this? If it’s not to get off the Citadel, then what is it?” asked C – 849.

“Getting us out of their world.”

“The-Their world? What do you mean their world?” I hesitated to ask, I felt as if I shouldn’t have participated in this conversation.

“I mean, no more Rick and Morty.”

“Don’t be ludicrous, Tele, we’re stuck with them here, and even if we get out, how do we account for the near countless of other Mortys who will still live that existence.”

“I’ll split us up, I’ve got a way for the timelines to tear themselves apart. Have Mortys live lives the way they should have done. Without Rick’s interference. No matter the cost.”

“No matter the cost? What the hell do y-you mean, no matter the cost?!” I shouted. C – 849 was shaking. He marched over to stand right next to B – 060 whose expression was strange to say the least, although it hadn’t changed after I had challenged him.

“The cost of freeing us from them is not something that concerns me.” he stepped off the window sill and took to watching it instead. It was awkward standing apart from them, so I moved over too.

We found ourselves looking out into the ragged city of red and silver. He opened the double windows, allowing the subtle sounds of sirens and shouts of chaos through the room.

“No cost? But what if we-”

“All end up dead? F, C, need I remind you both that neither of you came here on your own free will and if you weren’t here now it would be highly likely that you would either be trapped in an endless cycle of torment or dead! You owe nothing to this Citadel, nothing to this existence and if we don’t act, the most time we’ll have left to live is four years. Four painful years. As of now, our life revolves around them. We can at least take the chance to live for ourselves, instead of permanently being in their shadow; a race of gods whom we both have a natural inclination towards harming into the eternity.”

“What’s wrong with you!” He turned to face me, tired eyes dazzling at me in a sore fury.

“Wrong with me? Me? You know, F – 020 you say you’re an amnesiac or something right? I’m sure there is something wrong with you.”

“C - 849 told you that? D-Did he?”

He nodded. “Do you think that your Rick could have tried to kill you before, and then, you attacked back, but as a result killed him instead? You’re a natural destroyer, a rebel. But deep down you regret it, that’s why the coat is kind of a mark of honour.”

“Why does everyone w-want to insist that I’m so kind of killer! I’m not like you! I’ll never be like you!” I quickly stepped closer and thrust my hands forward, pushing him. His tired body fell backwards and landed with a soft thud on the threadbare carpet. C – 849 had to hop away as fast possible to prevent B – 060’s body crushing his shoes. “Oh boy!” he muttered.

B – 060 pulled his head off the floor, his hair tangled by hitting the unkempt carpet, his bandages covered in mud. He smiled at me, then begun to laugh.

“Calm down now!”

“He’s kind of right, you know, F, Morty Smith…” C – 849 looked ill, his face trembling, like he was going to puke.

“The coat does look, really odd on you.”

“Wh-why do you insist it’s an odd subconscious thing? Tying it to the simulations earlier. Yes, I did it to honour the person that YOU killed. But that’s it.”

“It’s just a guess, but considering what you’ve done, the story kind of adds up, don’t you think?”

It did, sort of. My brain, at least, seemed to remember some kind of horribly ravaged room and there must have been some time where I had held a gun to someone’s forehead. That could have been any room though, and anybody’s forehead. Still, only Rick and me, Morty actually stood out to me, there wasn’t anybody else to really remember or that I could.

I looked away from C – 849, to the ground.

“Well, yes. It sort of makes sense…” I gulped. “I’m still nowhere near sure though…!” I didn’t want to agree to any of this this just yet. In fact, I wanted to disprove this as much as I could. Because it was actually false or because I didn’t want to think about unlikeable realties?

C – 849 took a deep breath and looked down at the telepath, B – 060 looked half amused and half dead. The bandages twisting around him in some kind of knot. He softly nodded, lowering his shoulders. “So, the Tarot cards, they help us find the timelines easier to well, break?”

“A little more than just that, we can find and an-an-alyse pairs from t-timelines weak to this stuff! T-there’s bound to be more than one…” B – 060 broke down into a strange laughter. “We go on fr-from there. Eac-h little tear becoming more of col-lapse!” He continued to giggle and looked up at the both of us.

“Aren’t you exhausted too, C, F?”

∞​

It doesn't make sense to dream here. If there are a near infinite number of other worlds, then wouldn’t have all my dreams happened somewhere else too? They wouldn’t seem strange or traumatic to whatever Morty had to live with them.

Yet, I was still with two other versions of myself who selfishly want to rip apart the universe. The more I dwelled on it, the more disgusted I became. The more I thought of myself as disgusting.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I instead groggily went over to the little desk myself, taking out the paper out of my jacket pocket, I decided to analyse it.

I tossed through the pages of the book, it was a lot newer than I expected it would be. The pages were almost pristine, there were no stains from spilled alcohol or damage from other unholy habits that many Ricks appeared attracted to having. I think that some of the small tears and page folds must have been done by C – 849 himself whilst he was screaming at B – 060.

I carefully unfolded the paper, which had become somewhat scumbled from the time it had spent rightfully bundled away from the world. I noticed the various papers which were stacked in a makeshift pile at the side of the desk. B – 060’s bag lay next to the chair, vaguely leaning on it. I pushed it away with my foot.

Although the spread demanded a question, but I thought I could get a general sense of the Citadel and whatever plans it had. Perhaps even in the grand scheme of things, something about me. I wasn’t certain about finding anything, but it had to be true for some here on the Citadel. I hastily searched around for a pen and begun to sketch down a sleepily set out a hypothesis.

-

1: PRESET [TWO OF SWORDS] (Deadlock? Fight with no real end? Symbolic of blind justice Difficult decisions)

2: DESIRE [0: THE FOOL] (New Choices, blank slate. Freedom for the future.)

3: HELP [13: DEATH] (Pain, bad omen Change of any kind, preparation for change. Overhaul of the government? Change being accepted? NOT BAD.)

4: CHALLENGES [PAGE OF SWORDS] (Poor Messages? Communication loss. Another Morty)

5: OUTCOME [ACE OF WANDS] (Enthusiasm, New Life?)

Conclusions: Great enthusiasm towards rebirth?

-


It wasn’t enough to really go off on. Although I supposed that the Citadel seeking a new life for itself would be an admirable aim. There were certainly some places here that could do with the treatment of being ‘reborn’ in some way. I wondered what some kind of ‘rewritten’ version of this town would be like, allegedly the only place for Mortys to be Mortys. I still hoped that there were some Mortys that were good people, I had thought that C – 849 was a good person at first, and I guess that orange-shirted Morty who fell to his death could have been a good person. Not that it mattered, since he clearly wasn’t rewarded for it.

I could have turned myself in to the authorities now; but since the Citadel itself felt of importance to me, in need of protecting and the fact there would be no chance of me recovering my memory from in there. (If I managed to survive the Citadel’s jails at that) I guess the best thing I could do play along, sit and wait until my own goals were met. Then I could turn my back on this, move on, and then try and destroy each of my gory reflections without a second deletion of my memory. Would it had been the third?

“Morty, you’re still awake, what are you doing?”

C – 849. I switched off my light in panic.

“You’re not gonna leave or nothing, are you? Is that why you turned the light on?”

“N-n-no.” I sunk my head onto the desk, my eyes fuzzy from the blurs of brown tinted darkness and poor flickering desk lamp. “I pretty sure that would b-be, suicidal.”

I made out another faint chuckle. “Aw Jeez, F, don’t be so dramatic! You might kind of be right, for now though, there are still people looking for us after all.”

I would have laughed back if my mind had not been so fuzzy. I just about managed to switch of the desk light before drifting back off into sleep.

∞​

I don’t quite know how long the night was, from that point onward. I had fallen asleep on the table. Some of the cards and papers were still spread out next to my head when I awoke. It was still one of the least pleasant, least constant sleeps I’ve ever had. I must have awoken for short moments several times; each time a car horn beeped, or someone was smashing yet another window in the Morty neighbourhood. I awoke to the smell of a closely roasting fire, nothing like the typical Citadel scent of pollution, definitely coming from inside the building. My coat, which I had placed from behind the chair was also missing. I already felt cold without it.

“Hey, get up!” B – 060 was looking at me, no longer the whimpering wreck he had been the previous night. He was glowing with his green psychokinesis again, like a neon wreckage. “Did you fall asleep, on the Tarot deck!” he shouted. “Look at you, you have the Eight of Pentacles, on your face…”

I rubbed my eyes and lifted my head, some of the cards had indeed, stuck to my face. I pulled it off and took a closer look at it. My tired eyes couldn’t quite make out the picture, but it was glossy and gold, I think I saw a figure in the background turning away from something.

“That’s not the Eight of Pentacles, that’s the Eight of Cups.” C – 849 said as he peered over the desk. I blinked at him, his face was still rather groggy.

“N-, no it isn’t!”

“It definitely is.” C – 849 took the card from my hand.

“Look, gold, not green. Pentacles are green.”

B – 060 scoffed. “Get up, F, we need those cards and we’re going downstairs.” He started to pick the cards scattered around the table up. I tossed the paper to the side in hopes he would ignore or be confused by my own piece in the numerous others he collected. His brain disregarded them, luckily. He then swiftly grabbed his fallen bag and stuffed everything inside as fast as he could.

“Wh-where are we going downstairs?” I asked.

“Breakfast.” C – 849 smiled. “Where else?”

“I’ll be meeting a friend, there, and I don’t think they’ll want us to be late.”

“Wait, a friend, what now Tele?”

“Yes, we’ll meet them downstairs.” He began to twirl the air with his hand, creating a kind of miniature twister of green light. “If you won’t come, I’ll just take it you both want to be locked in here.”

Downstairs was a breakfast area. I guess this is probably what would be considered some kind of 5-star luxury in Mortytown. That didn’t mean it could be described as ‘nice’ though, not in any sense of the word. The white floors tiles were muddied with brown grime and chewed food. There was a television screen which mostly buzzed static noise, but occasionally there was a clear picture of a news show or an advertisement, it was sometimes hard to tell which. The light hung from the ceiling suspended by a single strand, it could have broken off at any moment and crush the back of whomever was standing underneath it. As we entered, I noticed B – 060 eyes widen in a moment of happiness.

“U! U-548! Mortica!”

“Huh, TV! We haven’t met each other in such a long time, so, something finally came up?”

A female Morty appeared from the back of the room. Her hair was neat and shoulder length with a pristine pink hairband. Her clothes weren’t particularly different in any way, but they at least they weren’t broken or fraying. She had her arms folded and was holding a steady gaze at B – 060.

“Aren’t you glad to see me?” he asked.

She smiled gently. “I wasn’t expecting you to come and find me so quickly!”

“Well, we’re all here now, please, have breakfast with us!” B – 060 was beaming.

“Sure.”

“Oh, uh. F, C.” he cleared his throat. “The b-buffet is over there.”

He pointed to a dingy table at the back of the room, containing various boxes of cereal which probably hadn’t been replaced in eons. There was one bottle of milk, which look like it would make you sick. There was also a half full box of ‘Simple Ricks’ which was somewhat was also somewhat of a surprise to me, they were hard to get hold of at the Academy. How did they get a hold of them in Mortytown? On the day I arrived, C – 849 had bragged about stealing some from one of the teachers. They were horribly, sickly sweet. I did need some sugar, but frankly, it was too much for my liking.

We picked an awkward seat at the side of the room. I happened to be cramped into the right corner, up against the wall. B – 060 sat shuffling the tarot cards, U – 548 was watching over him, resting her head on her hands. He placed them in seemingly random spreads, his expression becoming more distressed with each attempted reading. C – 849 had taken to leaning back on his chair, as if he wasn’t bothered by the whole thing, yet, his body rattled with tension.

“It can-‘t be Mortica!” I saw a single tear come from his eye. “I’m going to die are-n’t I, we-were’re all going to die!” The green light from his body shook. “I don’t w-want to d-die Mortica!”

U – 548 looked over to him with sharp eyes.

“We haven’t done anything yet; four years might not be long but at least it’s time. Opportunity.” Her breathing slowed. B – 060 looked over to her with his slightly tearful face.

“It’s enough time for us to take them down. We can’t let things control us, not even fate.”

“F-fate, fight fate!” he laughed.

U – 548 nodded slowly.

I thought back to my own findings, the one that referred to new life being breathed into the Citadel. Did it quite make sense? Technically, new life could never be brought to the Citadel. The Citadel was repeated lives, the same old people sprung from different facets of their existence. It survived on predictability, routine. It couldn’t handle the new, or the strange. Or at least that’s how it seemed. An odd thought crossed my mind.

“Hey, you kn-know, Greek Mythology?”

The group looked at me oddly.

“Well, you refer to Rick as a God, perhaps there w-was a kind of connection. In how he c-conducted himself.”

Judging by his expression, C – 849 thought I was speaking nonsense, although the other two appeared kind of intrigued.

“A lot of tho-those gods, who harbour great jealousy for mortals, have a tendency to change others into things that they despise.”

B – 060 and U – 548 looked at each other. B – 060 sniggered.

“Like, it k-kinda was a way for them to keep below them? They can hide their shame.”

B – 060 looked back to me. “What are you trying to say, F?”

“Do you think the Ricks are planning on changing anything, drastically. Y-You know, like something that could be a roadblock for us? On the Citadel as a whole?”

His puzzled expression became a scowl.

“What a-are you questioning?”

C – 849’s slammed his chair to ground with a sudden clap. He looked up and his eyes quickly scanned the room.

“You can’t teach an old Rick new tricks, Ricks don’t move on, they don’t change. They don’t change their own lifestyles, it’s why the rest of us suffer!” he banged his fist on the table.

B – 060 gritted his teeth. Pushing aside some of the Tarot Cards, to place the full weight of his elbow onto the table.

“You’re right, C, we’ve no-nothing to worry about r-right. I’m worked up over this shit! So, worked up!”

There appeared to be a deep concern in U – 548’s eyes. I was surprised that someone could even care for a Morty like B – 060. I wondered what they had done for each other.

“U, you have t-the map ready, right?” he said.

“It should be.”

A few minutes later, U - 548 presented us with a large, colourful map of the entire Citadel, with intricate routes drawn in blue and red ink along various roads and pathways.

“It’s fairly high up, so I had to take some liberties with the journey. They keep a few teleportation pads to the area active, but mostly to deliver goods, they are powered on for momentary hours. Getting off the platform will be an even more challenging task, I’m still not sure if the devices will go two ways. Despite how horribly abandoned the place is, I do believe that some people still live in the area I advise tha– ” she was cut off.

“What the heck is this!” C – 849 snatched the paper off the table, it seemed to scratch against the table, the tears he made into it almost like a screech.

“Fuck. We can’t go there. We can’t go there!”

“Why is that?” U – 548 asked.

“Do you really want to go to that part of the Citadel? The ‘Pocket Mortys Holding Area’ of all places. Who knows how dangerous that place is! What are you…”

“Hey, C. Stop it. This is only area on the Citadel that’s going to give us access to what we need. Plus, it’s a really good place for us to remain hidden while the death of T – 201 blows over.”

He ripped the paper out of C – 849’s hand. Causing an even bigger tear to appear in it. He looked down for a brief moment, his stern expression unwavering, appearing to ignore the damage he had caused to it.

“The map has most of the information you’ll need, although I suggest you terminate it as soon as you possibly can. It’ll help clear your tracks.” U – 548 continued, despite her interpretation.

“Thank you, U!”

“I’ll find further ways to throw them off while you are away.” She closed her eyes, and slowly tipped her head. “It’s been good to see you again.”

“It’s been so great to see you!” there was still flashes of joy in B – 060’s face.

He stood up, eyes glaring down at us. “It’s time for us to go.”

With nothing for me to do, nothing for me to say, I could only trail behind him. Somewhat triumphant, somewhat fearful.

 

[Flaze]

Well like I told you before, I feel like this chapter was a necessity but it also felt like one that you were trying to just get over with. It does give us some more insight on Tele's train of thought as well as what his (and by extension C's) plans are. I do like how you clarified a bit more on the fact that they're not quite as good friends as the original chapters made out and that C is just a freaked out.

That does take me to the few things that kind of worried me about this chapter altogether. The character's personalities felt a bit off here. It's interesting that C seems to have more of a brain than he first lets on, but while I think that you tried to present it as him having more facets you don't normally see, it ended up coming of as consistent for his character due to what we knew about him already. This didn't happen so much with Tele because we'd already known that he was a bit of a loose canon that liked to talk big.

The same thing doesn't work so much for C, but I do appreciate your attempt at having a more touching scene between him and F where it seems like he understands F's concerns...not like it matters much in the end.

Now to focus on the bigger issue. I feel that for as much as the characters talked and for as much as we found out about their plan, the chapter still felt...hallow. It was a pretty long chapter but it felt like not much happened overall, you got a few good lines in like Tele's comments on the nature of Rick and Morty's relationship, but when you have 7000 word chapter that consists of mostly one long scene of characters talking it's a bit of a let down.

That's not to say that it was all bad either though. I liked the nod to Pocket Mortys by introducing Female Morty, which it's a bit surprising at first but not really when you consider there's a Morty that looks like a large lizard anyway, her relationship with Tele is also intriguing as it brings another side to the character.

The other thing I really liked was the focus on the cards and predictions. I do wish we could've found out more about them though and why they are so important.

So that's my two cents. I think your biggest issue is that the story spends too much time inside of F's head, it's great that we get to see his thoughts and how he feels about every situation, but it can get to the point of dragging the story down somewhat. A chapter that focuses on the characters interactions outside of any impending danger would also be good in order to see how they fare as well.

 

[Ghostsoul]

but when you have 7000 word chapter that consists of mostly one long scene of characters talking it's a bit of a let down.

It's only 4.5k not sure where you got 7k from

. It does give us some more insight on Tele's train of thought as well as what his (and by extension C's) plans are. I do like how you clarified a bit more on the fact that they're not quite as good friends as the original chapters made out and that C is just a freaked out.

C is strange to say the least. Perhaps he appears a bit inconsistent because of the heavy focus of F's own thoughts (as you mentioned) somewhat halting the speed of the plot? I'll look into this.

I do wish we could've found out more about them though and why they are so important.

This will be answered later. In fact, a lot of questions you might have about the plot will probably be answered later.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, there! So ya asked for a in-depth review on chapters 1 and 2 with a focus on grammar. These were two decently sized chapters, so I'm not sure if the pointing out mistake after mistake in chronological order method is going to help quite so much. I found patterns of mistakes across the two chapters, so I'm going to try to separate each pattern into one big category so that you can hopefully see altogether what I mean when I say they're mistakes. Some sentences will be quoted in multiple categories, so yeah, you may see some of the same sentences twice. ^^

DIALOGUE-SPECIFIC TAGS/PUNCTUATION

“End the simulation.”

“I said, end the fucking simulation!”

I can't tell if one or two people are talking here, but if it's just one, I'd suggest added narration between the two lines and making the one speaker clear. Or if you wanna keep it this way, the grammatical way to do it would be to just get rid of the second quotation mark in the first sentence like this:

"End the simulation.

"I said, end the fucking simulation!"

“You and I both know that you were totally fully aware of what you were doing!” he sighed at me, I slammed the door.

This is a tricky I issue I see in a lot of fanfic. "sighed" is not a dialogue tag, so the "he" in "he sighed" should be capitalized. Any verb that relates to breathing (sighed) or body movement (nodded) is not a dialogue tag and should be part of its own sentence.

I mean I don’t blame you since you haven’t been here long at all, but it feels as if Ricks and Mortys have a deep-set urge to kill one another.” He said.

"said," however, is a dialogue tag, and all instances should have it with a comma and a lowercase, like so:

"...urge to kill one another," he said.

“Look around you, why do you think this ‘school’ was set up in the first place?” he tilted his head;

The "he" in "he tilted his head" should be capitalized since it's its own sentence, not part of a dialogue tag.

“See you in a bit, C – 849” I said.

Missing the comma after "C-849"

“We’ll end up in the same place, let’s just, go back together, and talk.” He said.

"...go back together, and talk," he said.

That’s 3 this month, If I remember right.” C – 849 said, mockingly.

"If" is randomly capitalized here when it shouldn't be.

"...I remember right," C-849 said, mockingly.

Someone gotta do it and I could do with some time out of here.” C – 849 called over.

"...some time out of here," C-849 said.

“Jus-Just go with him Morty. Everyone needs to get out this damn place every once in a while, e-especially me.” Rick said, throwing the scrap of paper at me.

"...while, e-especially me," Rick said...

“They got rid of it, took up too much room, wasted too much time”

Missing a period at the end of this dialogue. There's no "he said" or anything attached to it, so it's a period.

“Umm, sorry, we can’t let Mortys down here. Go – go back somewhere else.” One of them said.

"Go - go back somewhere else," one of them said.

Do you know how sensitive those Ricks are…”?

The question mark should be inside the quotation mark, like periods or commas.

"Do you know how sensitive those Ricks are...?"

“Stop! Just stop.” He said, as his voice echoing against the empty chamber walls.

"Stop! Just stop," he said.

“I would rather be called Tele, or just TV, or even Telekinetic if you like.” he butted in.

"...or even Telekinetic if you like," he butted in.

“Make me, make me go and greet your ‘friend’.” I snapped back at him.

"...and greet your 'friend'," I snapped back at him.

“I can do a lot worse, you know.” He sniggered.

There's an example here of what's not a dialogue tag: sniggered, since it has nothing to do with what's said and is just a kind of sound made.

“Well, well, back you go.” They told me.

"Well, well, back you go," they told me.

C – 849 looked at me solemnly, “There is no way out of this.” he said.

There's a comma here, just in the wrong spot. The commas are always reserved for dialogue tags.

C-849 looked at me solemnly. "There is no way out of this," he said.

“Aren’t you lucky we only live on the third floor.” C – 849 said, dryly.

"...on the third floor," C-849 said, dryly.

“I guess it’s time to go then.” said C – 849.

"I guess it's time to go then," said C-849.

“It’s not far, trust us, we know wh-what we are doing.” He said.

"...wh-what we are doing," he said.

“Here’s the place.” B – 060 said in a faint voice.

"Here's the place," B-060 said in a faint voice.

“This is where he does his readings? I imagined it be a lot grander than this.” C – 849 whispered.

"...lot grander than this," C-849 whispered.

He’s not very popular, a lot of Ricks don’t favour supposed pseudo-science like this” Said B – 060.

"...pseudo-science like this," said B-060.

Note the "Said" was randomly capitalized here as well.

“W-w-h” before I could say anything else, B – 060 had used the scissors to swiftly cut a scar into my face.

This is a little different. You have someone speaking being cut off. The way to indicate interrupted speech is with a dash. Then, "before" should be capitalized because it's part of it's own sentence, separate from the dialogue.

"W-w-h–" Before I could say anything else...

“Here’s your gun, C.” he snatched it away from him.

"he" should be capitalized since it has no relation to the dialogue/is part of its own sentence.

“Just go in, or I’ll push you.” B – 060 said, bitterly.

"Just go in, or I'll push you," B-060 said, bitterly.

“Um, I – I wa- was ju”

"Um, I – I wa-was ju–"

Dash again, to indicate interrupted dialogue.

“Uhh, O-okay?”

the "O" can be lowercase since it's still in the middle of dialogue.

QUESTION MARKS

In almost all of the questions posed in dialogue in these 2 chapters, there's no actual question mark to indicate there's, well, a question. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but the decent amount of "questions without question marks" I found suggests not. Some dialogue can, however, definitely come across as a statement even if it's phrased as a question and thus no question mark is necessary. The lack of a question mark is used, then, to spice up dialogue and emphasize how a reader reads it. But when it's overdone, it's hard to tell if it's just the author being unsure or if the character really does just deadpan all of their questions. So, best to use it sparingly.

“What’s up with F over there.”

"What's up with F over there?"

“There were other Mortys with you, what happened to them.”

"...what happened to them?"

“First time is real tough, isn’t it!

"First time is real tough, isn't it?"

“Wait! Are you going on without me!”

"Are you going on without me?"

“Will you, really, or are you just gonna rot at the academy until some Rick uses you as behemoth bait on some unknown planet.”

"Will you, really, or are you just gonna rot at the academy until some Rick uses you as behemoth bait on some unknown planet?"

“Morty, why have you been down here so long”

"Morty, why have you been down here so long?"

“Umm, F can you hold st-sill a second.”

"...hold st-still a second?"

Note "sill" is missing the "t" here, too.

“Why, WHY now."

"Why, WHY now?"

“Whoa, what, are y-you alright there.”

"Woah, what? Are y-you alright there?"

Note I put two question marks in here instead of one. More than one question mark can emphasize the confusion.

MISSING/EXTRA WORDS

The teacher had grabbed my shoulder, I could only manage to turn my head for a few seconds before being pushed onto to the floor.

"onto to" has an extra word, and you could get rid of either or, really. I'd opt for getting rid of "onto," personally.

“I don’t which Ricks you’ve met, F – 020,

I think you meant "I don't know"

I could leave down a several flights of stairs, If I wanted to.

"a" isn't needed here since "flights" is plural. Also, "If" is randomly capitalized here.

At least the reflections were at least pretty.

You don't need both "at least"s

A stubborn force, trying to make his uniform look something unique.

Did you mean to have a word somewhere in "look something"? "look like something unique," perhaps? If not, I'd just get rid of "something" because the phrasing is super awkward otherwise.

I felt the pang in my stomach return, as I was there again.

"as if I was there again."

I couldn’t find the energy scream, I couldn’t even move.

"the energy to scream"

I shook my head, still focusing the great gap in the wall.

"focusing on the"

“You see, Morty F – 020, if there is one thing I’ve learned from my many adventures it’s that you don’t need to waste time thinking about how you are going to outrun horrifying space monster;

Did you mean "a horrifying space monster" or should "monster" just be plural?

I spent most of my time trying to clean up the trail of sickly liquid followed us.

You're either missing words here or "followed" should be "following."

This who committed the murder?

"This is who"

“But you we were very wrong to think I would ever kill one with no go-good re-reason for it…” I sniffed.

"you we" <- one of these needs to go

As a side note, "sniffed" is another good example of what's not a dialogue tag since it's just a sound, like "sniggering."

He stood with two feet on the, I’m not even sure if he was quite able to look where he was going.

On the what?

My amnesia meant I had only heard stories, and the bullshit Ricks seemed to be able to create were ridiculous and what the Mortys learned to put with, even more so.

"put up with"

We had ducked behind buildings, avoided streetlights and thrown ourselves down shady alleyways all the avoid potentially getting caught.

"all to avoid" not "all the avoid"

My third day on the Citadel, it already seems as if my worst nightmare.

Missing a word or two... "it already seems as if it's my worst nightmare," perhaps? Or something. Sounds awkward. I'd personally suggest "it already seems like my worst nightmare."

B – 060 twitched, he wasn’t glowing as had before, at all.

"as he had before"

TENSE

Not much here. You just had some instances where you went from past tense to present tense randomly. It happens.

He had wandered over to the assistants, who had appeared to have finished writing up their reports.

Once you use the past perfect tense (had), you don't have to use it again. Regular past tense can be used. Readers know from the past perfect tense that you're going even further into the past, and using "had" over and over sounds super awkward.

I keep my head down.

"kept" not "keep"

I place my arms on a window ledge and placed my hands on my cheeks. I just, let myself look out into nothing.

"placed" not "place"

What was there for me to anticipate? I have absolutely no clue.

"I had absolutely no clue."

Unless you mean that even today, in the present, after everything that happens in this story, Morty has absolutely no clue. Then it's fine.

I didn’t know how long C – 849 had been here, far longer than me for sure and he was so unsettled, so incredibly distressed. I wondered what would actually happened to me personally if I had stayed here;

Again, only gotta use "had" once. I don't think it sounds super awkward here, but I thought I'd point it out because it can very easily get to an awkward point.

CAPITALIZATION

“Morty! other side.”

"Other" not "other"

“You know, perhaps that act of so called ‘deception’ as Rick called it was actually something good, If I were you, I would start thinking of yourself as more than just another ‘Morty Smith’”

"If" is randomly capitalized.

Also, missing a period at the end.

“It’s C – 849 Sir, that’s my designation. Oh, and F – 020 too!”

"Sir" is randomly capitalized.

SPELLING

Dosen’t this feel wrong to you, at all?”

"Doesn't" not "dosen't"

...but this one had probably been tossed in a draw for several months.

"drawer" not "draw"

“He dosen’t care.”

"Doesn't" not "dosen't"

READING: 17 TIME: 11: 11 SPREAD: COMMIUNITY [WHOLE CITADEL], CROSS OF TRUTH SPREAD.

"COMMUNITY" not "COMMIUNITY"

How long had it been since he las brushed his hair?

"last" not "las"

I could have puked, my stomach rising and the sour taste of bile hanging on my lounge.

Did you mean "tongue," not "lounge"...?

The landing, a pleasant change from the crowded close-like space of the of the simulation rooms.

I think you meant "closet" not "close"

MISC

The scratching ceased “Perfect!”

Random period. Nothing else wrong here so it didn't fit in another category, lol.

COMMAS

This, as you'll notice, was the biggest problem. And I get it. Commas are tricky. I've been writing since I was five years old and I still find myself questioning commas sometimes. See, the nice thing about creative writing is that you can get away with artistic license in some cases. But when there's consistent mistakes, your readers are taken out of the story, and you risk confusing them. Overall, too, consistent mistakes tend to make a writer's style look amateur-ish, which... is not always fair, especially if the rest of the story is pretty solid. So it goes.

The teacher had grabbed my shoulder, I could only manage to turn my head for a few seconds before being pushed onto to the floor.

You have two independent clauses here, one before the comma and one after the comma. When you use a comma to attempt to connect the two independent clauses in one sentence, you're using a comma splice and creating a run on sentence. This accounts for the majority of your mistakes outlined after this.

An independent clause can stand on its own as its own sentence. If you put a period here instead of the comma, you are eliminating the run on and the comma splice, and you are gaining two sentences that sound much tighter and less confusing for having been portrayed grammatically correctly.

Now, run ons are not always bad... You can use them - especially in first person - when someone's particularly exasperated or distressed to emphasize said emotions, but in general, as I said, it tends to just hurt things on both the reader's and the author's part.

Anyway, the quoted part should look like this:

The teacher had grabbed my shoulder. I could only manage to turn my head for a few seconds before being pushed onto to the floor.

Thus, the meaning of the sentence is clarified. There's no confusion that allows readers to stop and think, "Wait, is there a word missing or something after the comma? Am I reading this right?" And so on. Even if a reader can't pinpoint why they're confused, that's because the brain generally doesn't look for grammatical errors. In fact, you're supposed to "detach" your brain from the actual content of a story in order to fully proofread and find errors. Still, grammar rules are so deeply ingrained in the brain that an error can stick out and distract a reader very, very easily.

The best way, I think, to find errors like this is to read out loud. I'd recommended setting a certain amount of time to stop at periods (3 seconds) versus commas (1 second) and you should be able to discern the difference of when one should be used over the other. It would take practice, I guess, but it's one way to proofread on your own. There's always the beta read service in the Review League, or the age old "read your work over and over until it's perfect" method. Personally, that last method drives me nuts as a writer, so.

“It just appeared, it was defence, basic self-defence! I insist, Rick.”

"It just appeared. It was defense, basic self-defense!

“The – the thing, isn’t even supposed to be able to attack!

"The – the thing isn't even supposed to be able to attack!

This is the other most common mistake. What is the comma after "thing" supposed to do? I'm not sure if you're trying to indicate more stuttering or not - it's quite likely for a Rick & Morty fanfic. I'd recommend using only hyphens and the like to indicate stuttering. It's consistent, and again, grammatically speaking, is just going to confuse your readers if you use commas sometimes and hypens other times.

A 2-dimensional flat, thing of a Rick!” he slurred.

No comma.

I wasn’t trying to do anything, I – I’m being honest!”

Iwasn't trying to do anything! I – I'm being honest!

“There were other Mortys with you, what happened to them.”

"There were other Mortys with you. What happened to them?"

“I have no idea, I swear – they just, they appeared, what was so wrong with them?”

"I have no idea, I swear. They just – they appeared. What was so wrong with them?"

Note I moved the stuttering hypen.

“I don’t which Ricks you’ve met, F – 020, but I can’t think of one that would just stick you in a crate with a bunch of other Mortys and call it an ‘adventure’ and we certainly don’t attack and kill you Mortys for the sake of it!”

Should be:

"...call it an 'adventure,' and we certainly don't attack and kill you Mortys for the sake of it!"

A comma goes before an "and" if the "and" is connecting an independent clause.

We might expect this shit from some of our more troublesome students but for someone who just arrived, this is utterly ridiculous!”

Comma before "but" - same deal as above.

I would waste more time yelling on at you, Morty F – 020 but, since the ass – assistants are done with their reports now you might as well just leave.”

Comma after "now" - same as above. "now" isn't really a connector word, but "you might as well just leave" is an independent clause, so a comma is necessary.

He looked away from me, his coat swished across the dirty gold flooring, creating a sound like a slash.

He looked away from me. His coat swished across...

The second comma is fine, since "creating a sound like a slash" makes no sense on its own. Again, you can use it on its own as artistic license sometimes, but I don't think it has any effect here.

“We don’t need more Rick killing bastards out there, we have far too many of those already. Your stuff is in the right-hand corner, take it and go!”

“We don’t need more Rick killing bastards out there. We have far too many of those already. Your stuff is in the right-hand corner. Take it and go!”

I held my hands out to the side, to prevent myself from falling onto the harsh ground.

No comma at all here, because everything after it doesn't make sense on its own/is not an independent clause.

“You and I both know that you were totally fully aware of what you were doing!” he sighed at me, I slammed the door.

He sighed at me. I slammed the door.

It’s gold, much like most other areas of the building; but not the kind that indicated some kind of lavish wealth (although whichever Rick designed it was probably going for that kind of look.)

You could use a comma before the "but" instead of a semi-colon. Doesn't really matter, but I thought I'd point it out as an example regardless.

Though the period after "look" should be outside the parenthesis, not inside it.

I was too tired for that now, I just wanted to sit down for a bit, take everything in.

I was too tired for that now. I just wanted to sit down for a bit, take everything in.

Second comma is fine.

I saw the top of his scruffy head from the staircase as he walked up. His sunglasses glinting off the flashing light outside.

See, I'd put a comma after "walked up" instead of a period, since "his sunglasses glinting off the flashing light outside" is not an independent clause. But again, if you think it works, it can stay on its own for artistic license reasons.

My eyes darted around the room, I didn’t want to look at him all of a sudden.

My eyes darted around the room. I didn’t want to look at him all of a sudden.

“Stop worrying about it!” he spun around his suitcase shaped bag, hitting me in the face, he didn’t even notice, or care to.

“Stop worrying about it!” He spun around his suitcase shaped bag, hitting me in the face. He didn’t even notice or care to.

The "he" in "he spun" should be capitalized; it's not related to the dialogue.

“Look around you, why do you think this ‘school’ was set up in the first place?”

"Look around you. Why do you think this ‘school’ was set up in the first place?"

“I came here because it’s the only thing, I could do?”

No comma at all here. If you want to show stuttering, use something else.

Say, you lost your memory, perhaps you did kill you Rick, and were forced to forget about it?”

Say, you lost your memory. Perhaps you did kill you Rick and were forced to forget about it?”

“I – don’t, know what happened.”

No comma. Use another dash if stuttering.

“You, don’t remember anything, at all?”

No commas at all. Again, use dashes if stuttering.

C – 849 face twisted, he wasn’t smiling, not anymore, but I couldn’t say that he was frowning either.

C – 849 face twisted. He wasn’t smiling, not anymore, but I couldn’t say that he was frowning either.

I tried to wander around him, and head for the staircase;

No comma.

“We’ll end up in the same place, let’s just, go back together, and talk.” He said.

"We’ll end up in the same place. Let’s just go back together and talk," he said.

Very few screamed, most just tried to run.

No comma.

I couldn’t find the energy scream, I couldn’t even move.

Period, not comma.

It was in, what I could make out as, another Morty, just kind of floating.

Not sure what you're trying to portray here in general... There's too much happening here. I'd recommend putting this in two sentences, but then again, not sure what you're trying to say here to even make a suggestion.

He huffed something under his breath as he reached for his knees, he tired himself out rather quickly.

Period, not comma.

I slowly etched away from him, I’m pretty sure he hadn’t noticed me, but I really wanted to make sure that he didn’t.

Period not comma for the first one. Second comma is fine.

I peered over, what I saw was utterly grotesque.

Period, not comma. Note to remember to capitalize the first word in these new sentences as you fix stuff.

I’ve seen just pieces of Morty, scattered, everywhere.

No commas at all.

I gently lifted the hand away from my face and brushed my hair from my eyes, I forced them open, I had to make myself look, C – 849 probably would have pushed it away if I hadn’t done it myself.

All of these commas should be periods.

It wasn’t C – 849, I had no idea what the heck he was doing.

Period, not comma.

“Hey – Morty, calm down, the – the citadel isn’t exactly the safest place, Morty sometimes these things just happen. They were probably in a fight or something, just hang on there, you’ll be out soon.”

Hey – Morty, calm down, the – the citadel isn’t exactly the safest place, Morty. Sometimes these things just happen. They were probably in a fight or something. Just hang on there. You’ll be out soon.”

C – 849 had picked the body up by just one of its feet and was dragging it across the grass; the blood mixing itself with the muddy ground and creating a putrid coloured sludge.

Comma, not semi-colon. Semi-colon's what you use to connect two independent clauses that are very similar to each other.

The guard squinted at it, before tossing it aside and letting it fall to the floor with little regard.

No comma.

We don’t bury our dead though, that’ll be impractical.

Period, not comma.

How did he get abandoned like that, was he that weak of a fighter?

Period, not comma.

He just got released by them, abandoned, his Rick didn’t want him.

First comma is fine. Second should be a period.

“He simply wasn’t good enough, now he’ll never get to be good enough.”

Period, not comma.

“You see, F – 020, out there are the bodies of all those who have died on the Citadel, the whole 15 years, with perhaps a few time travel accidents here and there, who am I to know?”

You see, F – 020, out there are the bodies of all those who have died on the Citadel the whole 15 years, with perhaps a few time travel accidents here and there. Who am I to know?”

“The Citadel is a fast-moving place, alright, if we wasted time with petty ‘funerals’ like you had on Earth then we wouldn’t be able to do anything!

The Citadel is a fast-moving place, alright? If we wasted time with petty ‘funerals’ like you had on Earth, then we wouldn’t be able to do anything![/quote]

Note I added that question mark in there.

Another Morty was approaching us, he looked as chaos incarnate.

Period, not comma.

Eyes focused, and burning red with arteries like circuit boards, with a bandage slapped around his head, it was hard to tell if it was just some kind of accessory, or he was hiding some long-held scar from view.

Eyes focused and burning red with arteries like circuit boards with a bandage slapped around his head, it was hard to tell if it was just some kind of accessory or he was hiding some long-held scar from view.

My heart skipped a beat, was that who I saw running away earlier?

Period, not comma.

“I knew this would come in handy one day!” the Morty showed a piece of paper with messy red handwriting, torn at the sides, it was like the one Rick had given us, but this one had probably been tossed in a draw for several months.

“I knew this would come in handy one day!” The Morty showed a piece of paper with messy red handwriting, torn at the sides. It was like the one Rick had given us, but this one had probably been tossed in a draw for several months

Note "the" got capitalized.

“I just want to talk to you C you do remember we have the raid tonight?” said the new Morty,

I just want to talk to you, C. You do remember we have the raid tonight?” said the new Morty.

“Raid… The raid. Oh jeez, yes that raid, I remember the raid!”

“Raid… The raid. Oh jeez, yes, that raid. I remember the raid!”

"Wait, who is this? He seems, interesting.” The strange Morty tilted his head, looking me in the eye, it made my blood boil.

"Wait, who is this? He seems interesting.” The strange Morty tilted his head, looking me in the eye. It made my blood boil.

“Another one? We’ve been planning this for months, what do we need someone else for?” C – 849 said.

Period, not comma.

“You might kinda hate me, a bit for ch-changing plans like this, but won’t your friend like to come along too?”

First comma should go. Second is fine.

“I think it’s pretty clear by now that I don’t want anything to with you!” I spat, he just shook his head.

Oh, missing word I just noticed: should be "to do with you"

Period, not comma.

“There is potential in him, I mean you’ll never guess what he did during the simulation scenario today!”

Period, not comma.

“I’ll have to tell you, I think he’s quite the fighter, and just hasn’t realised yet.”

First comma is fine, second can go.

Tried to shoot him apparently, Was it a clean shot F?

Period, not comma.

I went to slap C – 849 around his stupid face, a sonic blast, a burst of energy shattered around the air.

First comma should be a period. Second is fine.

My arm pulled back, it could almost have been warped in the blast; It was numb, weak, as if all the muscles in my arm had been twisted.

First comma should be a period.

"It" should not be capitalized, and that semi-colon is fine if you want it to be.

“Oh, um Thanks for that, Tele!” C – 849 beamed back at him.

"Oh, um, thanks for that, Tele!"

I promise if you come, it’ll be exciting, you do want to see more of the Citadel, don’t you?”

I promise if you come, it’ll be exciting. You do want to see more of the Citadel, don’t you?

Ricks were not a tidy bunch, as a result most Mortys at the academy had to clean their own rooms.

Period, not comma.

Almost every angle of the building was a sharp contrast to the seemingly pristine Academy: the yellow carpets of the room were stained brown from overuse and spilt drinks, the draws and headboards scattered with dust, empty plastic cups and papers that had been there so long they could have fused with the ground, it was an utter dirt ridden mess.

All the commas are fine except the last. Should be a period.

“I can see you, stop trying to hide from me! Not like you can run, you’ve already tried that, and it sure went swimmingly”

“I can see you. Stop trying to hide from me! Not like you can run. You’ve already tried that, and it sure went swimmingly.”

Note I added a missing period at the end.

I saw C – 849 and B – 060 leaving to go back the academy’s complex. Chattering like awful friends do.

Period should be a comma.

I had torn myself away from them, bolted down the airlock chambers, and hoped they wouldn’t notice me, they didn’t.

Last comma should be a period. The others are fine.

“Shut up!” I told him, although I could only see a rough grey-ish outline of his head from under the bedsheets, I made out he was shaking his head at me.

First comma is fine. Second should be a period.

“We’ve been planning this for months, F – 020, and it means something to the both of us, if you can’t do it for yourself, can you at least help me?”

“We’ve been planning this for months, F – 020, and it means something to the both of us. If you can’t do it for yourself, can you at least help me?"

My throat was sore, I felt as if I was choking again.

Period, not comma.

“It’s nothing drastic, we just need to take something, that’s all. You won’t die or nothing."

First comma should be a period, second is fine.

I rubbed my eyes and blinked slowly at C – 849, I hoped he wouldn’t he see that I was crying again.

Period, not comma.

“Just to see the Citadel, just for one night right, I can choose where I go after that?"

"Just to see the Citadel? Just for one night, right? I can choose where I go after that?"

Note the added question marks.

B – 060 stormed in, letting the door fall behind him, it somehow made a larger bang than when C – 849 had swung it open.

First comma is fine. Second should be a period.

He was carrying a rather large leather satchel, one that looked pretty heavy, I wondered what sort of weird shit he had in there.

First comma is fine. Second should be a period.

When I had first arrived here, C – 849 had told me that sometimes the Rick who was running it had completely forgotten to switch from ‘night’ to ‘day’ in 52 hours, he said it was because the Rick had been depressed and was determined to mull over his anguish.

First comma is fine. Second should be a period.

nobody here seemed to bother with the whole notion of ‘time’, It simply didn’t matter here.

Period, not comma.

He turned around from the window, the dark lights outside highlighting, his already naturally glowing frame.

First comma is fine. Second should go.

He started manually tying them, His hands shaking while he so, with his eyes unfocussed like they were in pain.

Period, not comma.

He stood with two feet on the, I’m not even sure if he was quite able to look where he was going.

Period, not comma, even after you add in the missing word.

This is what many other Mortys go through, this should have been something normal.

Period, not comma.

The Citadel’s attempt to recreate the night air was surprisingly, nicer than I expected; awkwardly comforting, it was something trying to be what it clearly was not.

No comma at all.

The ‘rope’ was tied close to the window, I saw C – 849 and B – 060 below me, it looked like C – 849 was smiling, it was reassuring at the same time it was unsettling.

All the commas should be periods.

“We can’t just bury it in a bush or something, they might fi-find it and suspect it later.”

Period, not comma.

“You’ll be right with that, can you fit it in your bag Tele?”

Period, not comma.

He then went on ahead, following the path that led away from the Academy, he beckoned C – 849 to shadow him, he nodded and continued to stick to him closely.

He then went on ahead, following the path that led away from the Academy. He beckoned C – 849 to shadow him. He nodded and continued to stick to him closely.

“It’s not far, trust us, we know wh-what we are doing.” He said.

"It's not fair, trust us. We know wh-what we are doing," he said.

We found ourselves in a rather shabby district of a city, which I swore, was exclusive to Ricks.

First comma is fine. The second should go.

It was a very quiet evening too, I guessed B – 060 had chosen this night on purpose for that reason.

Period, not comma.

He looked back at me and C – 849, we were crouched behind him.

Period, not comma.

He’s not very popular, a lot of Ricks don’t favour supposed pseudo-science like this” Said B – 060.

Period, not comma. Plus the dialogue errors.

B – 060 nodded, before returning his focus to the street.

Period, not comma.

we all ducked further into the dark in hope of not being seen, this Rick didn’t seem to care though, his eyes were only focused on the pavement. He passed by us without a taking a second look.

Both commas should be a period.

“Sssh be quiet and don’t worry, it’s just going to make our job a lot easier."

Period, not comma.

“Alright, time to move in, F – 020, you’ll need to go in first, just wait for us, we’ll be in soon. Yeah?” C – 849 said.

"Alright, time to move in, F – 020. You’ll need to go in first. Just wait for us. We’ll be in soon. Yeah?” C – 849 said

The fear rose inside me again, I can’t move, I won’t move.

Both commas should be periods.

There was a sense of sorrow in the Rick’s face I didn’t expect, he frowned, but in genuine concern, rather than in annoyance or disgust.

First comma should be a period. The second is fine.

“You seem hurt, where did you get that scar from?”

Period, not comma.

C – 849 went ahead and pulled the trigger, he took his shot at Rick, right at the head.

First comma should be a period. The second can go.

I couldn’t accept what was happening, I denied it. I revolted it.

Period, not comma.

I’ve got the cards, t-time to hurry up and go”

Period, not comma.

“Meanings, find the meanings Tele, they are gonna be useless otherwise!”

First comma is fine - artistic license example. The second should be a period.

“Aw jeez, be easy on him Tele, he’s an amnesiac you know.”

First comma is fine. The second should be a period.

That stupid bedsheet rope was still in his bag, I wonder if I could take it out and straggle them both with it.

Period, not comma.

Pictures of blood ran through my mind, I wanted them to be drenched in blood.

Period, not comma.

“Hey, earth to F – 020 we’re leaving, do you want to get caught by cops or something?”

"Hey, earth to F-020. We're leaving. Do you want to get caught by cops or something?"

My tears were still flooding my face, I was frozen.

Period, not comma.

“We, will wait outside, don’t be too long.

First comma can go. Second should be a period.

C – 849 cracked a grin, as if he was trying to reassure me somehow, it wasn’t working.

First comma can go. Second should be a period.

Paper had been sprinkled all over the floor in various directions, B – 060 must had taken some but couldn’t have fit all of them in his bag at once.

Period, not comma.

There were some blood stains on the floor, less than I expected, the two of them must have been careful not to get any on their shoes.

First comma is fine. The second should be a period.

The blood in the room was mostly, was the blood covering the Rick’s face.

No comma.

I don’t think many Mortys take to wearing a Rick coat; I was just a normal Morty, there was nothing that stood out about me, I didn’t even have any memory to hang onto.

Both commas should be a period.

I can hear C – 849’s words echo in my head, ‘you’ll probably have to do it someday, you know’. Someday. SOMEDAY. It burned me up inside, I wanted to see him dead.

Both commas should be periods.

They hidden around another street corner, which no streetlights touched, they were entirely in the dark.

First comma can go. Second should be a period.

B – 060 twitched, he wasn’t glowing as had before, at all.

First comma should be a period. The second can go.

“So, are we, destroying the building?” he asked.

First comma stay. The second can go.

“You see, if we had just taken the cards, then, surely T – 201 would have come after us, because of his career, T – 201 leads a life as one of the freest Ricks on the Citadel, and therefore is one of the most relentless.”

"You see, if we had just taken the cards, then surely T – 201 would have come after us. Because of his career, T – 201 leads a life as one of the freest Ricks on the Citadel, and therefore is one of the most relentless.”

“He, seemed, n-nice to me?”

No commas.

"You can trust a Rick, about as far as you can throw a Rick, we’re Mortys, we can’t throw a shotput more than a few centimetres.

"You can trust a Rick about as far as you can throw a Rick. We’re Mortys. We can’t throw a shotput more than a few centimetres.

Overall comments:

To proofread this in-depth properly, I had to detach from the content a little. That's not a criticism; that's just how my brain works. I know very little about Ricky & Morty, anyway. The dialogue and the stuttering and all the shenanigans seem very true to the show. F-020 clearly in a state of turmoil all throughout this, which fits exactly with what I know from the show, and I feel for him as much here as I do when watching the show. In fact, Morty's turmoil and the dialogue in general were so well done I could imagine the characters' voices in my head as I was reading, despite me mostly looking for the grammar stuff as requested.

I do agree with Flaze that there's too much time spent in Morty's head, however. There's too little description of what's happening on the outside, and with Rick & Morty-level shenanigans going on, it's really important to add those details to make it as easy as possible and as engaging as possible for the reader to follow.

 

[Persephone]

I was so fucking tired of running.

I could have left them, roam the streets of the Citadel like a spectre.

I really liked this opening.

I still couldn’t bear the thought of being alone, so I kept following them like a helpless pet.

I would've had a transition word at the start. I thought this was jarring for some reason.

I sat with C – 849 while B – 060 was at the reception desk, looking out of the window periodically

I initially couldn't tell whether the narrator or B-060 was looking out the window

I saw about 5 different fires on our way here and everyone looked like they wanted to kill me.

Typically you should write out numbers less than twenty-one. Otherwise, I really loved this sentence.

Some shops, and other small businesses

Remove the comma

This Hostel specifically, seemed to be in relatively good condition.

either remove the comma or add another one after Hostel

Rows and rows of rooms, all with plain white doors and a single number on the front of them, written in a thick, black font. They could have been prison cells.

I also very much liked this sentence

“Yes, they’re supposed to be in the deck how many tarot cards did you think that there were?”

Either a period, a semicolon or a comma after 'deck'

“The coat does look, really odd on you.”

remove the comma

I instead groggily went over to the little desk myself, taking out the paper out of my jacket pocket, I decided to analyse it.

Change the comma after 'pocket' to a period or semicolon. or an 'and' with no commas

I just about managed to switch of the desk light before drifting back off into sleep.

off instead of 'of the desk light'

it could have broken off at any moment and crush the back of whomever was standing underneath it.

crushed instead of crush

A female Morty

Headcanon: All female Mortys are trans girls

This is only area on the Citadel that’s going to give us access to what we need.

the only area

*

I talked about tarot stuff with you over PM. Only thing left to say is that while the prose was good, everything from getting to the room to U showing up felt like it kept dragging. Not enough happening or being revealed about characters, I guess. Otherwise I liked it. Also U is great and I have so many questions about her and hope she shows up again.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Spoiler

heck the awards
this probably has a shit ton of typos i couldn't spot, forgive me.

​

Chapter IV

[Intermission]

Rick: A – 962​

​

RAID: 7966 (H) DIMENSION: A-962 LOCAL DATE: 11/11/XX. LOCAL TIME: 01:32. TARGET: NONSPECFIED, ALONE.

> MINOR DAMAGE TO THE SURRONDING AREAS, NO FULL DESTRUCTION NOTED, TIMELINE LIKELY TO BE LARGELY UNEFFECTIVE.​

“Woah, look at me, I’m done y-you can shut your mouth on me and my supposed slowness now!”

“Quite the opposite, Rick, you might want to hurry up the next time. Or I’ll be findin’ someone else to do your job.”

“Someone else? I was the first one to think of it, me! You aren’t taking this away from me too!”

“You? You! Don’t make me laugh. Thousands of Ricks probably came up with that shit and long before you did! It’s not your idea that made you special, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time…”

“Then why force me to do this, why not do it yourself?!”

“Quit arguing with me. What is there here for you anyway? Do you want to see your Morty again or not?”

“You’re never gonna let me leave, are you? I’m gonna just stay here forever because hell knows when you’re gonna get off your stinkin’ high horse!”

“I never said that.”



Some sort of muttering occurred outside of my sphere.

I shouldn’t be awake.

Why am I awake?

“He’s coming around now? Fuck. Hey Rick, it’s time for you to shoo. This part isn’t your business. I’ll be calling you again, don’t worry.” The figure must have slammed his foot on the ground. There was a crashing tap, something which sounded like metal clanging together.

I couldn’t see the ground below me, I assumed that it was either a pure, hard metal or some sort of molten lava.

How long had I been asleep?

Fucking years.

Okay, not quite years.

I made roughly three people in the room. Most of their frames just blurs of blue and white. They stood out against this strange orange liquid I was surrounded by. They shuffled around the small complex, can’t say what they were doing; they were certainly fast-moving little blobs though.

The sound here also carried a shitty kind of echo effect. Everything, so much louder that it actually was. It was but another reminder of my pathetic confinement.

I would have broken this (what appeared to be) glass if it wasn’t so difficult for me to move. I couldn’t so much as manage to run my nails against the it. If I could, I would produce the most awful sounding screech those blue fuckers had probably ever heard.

“Sir, there appears to be, uh, movement. Should I r-release the chamber?”

“Wait a second!” one of the more distant dots came closer to me. I could only differentiate that the blue must have been his hair and the white was some kind of coat that he wore. Not the best of personal aesthetic, but whatever. The idiot tapped on the glass, causing what I could describe as a ‘sonic boom’ to shake through this thing. He’ll regret it when I got out.

“That’s it, should be perfect everybody!” he turned away from me, his little blue figure bobbing up and down. “This here, fe-fellow Ricks is the first step to our eventual undying stabilization!”

The hell is that supposed to mean? ‘First step’?

Was I just going to be a tool to them here?

“Forever Rick and Morty!” he screeched.

I continued to relentlessly try and shift myself so that I could at least make some kind of sound myself, I even considered screaming. This vile sludge didn’t allow me to do much with my body. I could only stare out into a half-formed world in distain.

I saw the blob-like guy tap on something. There was a throbbing ‘click’ that ran through the chamber, first as sound, then in a great push as the liquid fell downwards. It crashed upon the iron floor in a violent crackle. I, being thrust onto the ground along with it.

I let out a vicious cough. The cold ground hurting like hell. My weakened body unable to cope with the sheer fury running though my system. I tried to break my hands away from each other, the strain was almost unbearable; various bones clicking in all sorts of gross places. I growled and heaved. My vision still mostly full of sludge. I slowly adjusted to the dimly lit surroundings. Two of them, the scientists I think, hung over me like cold corpses. It’s only now I notice how stupid their hair is, that kind of spiked blue, pointing out in all directions, formless.

I moved my hands to my eyes, in an attempt to remove the burning sensation. Hopefully, I could actually be able to see ahead of me. The more I twitched, the more I could feel my individual nerves tingling through my body.

“G-Get the hell up!”

I couldn’t speak. The substance had already taken to running down my throat. Scratching and choking. I managed a disgusting garbled screech.

“That’s enough!” another one of the came over, not dressed in the same dreary lab coats as the other two were. They had a rather nice-looking suit, clean with large shoulder pads. His hairstyle wasn’t any less bullshit though.

I tried to push myself off the floor, I could still hardly make them out because of the gunk around me and my hands still sore from the confinement. I growled under my breath. My body slowly simmering in the grovelling heat. “Rick Sanchez A – 962. You once came from a timeline where no Rick existed and now you hav-”

Go for the throat.

I launched myself through the mass of sludge. It still stuck, but I pushed myself against it. My nerves snapping back together, my body moving back into place. But my leg was still sore, I dragged it through the liquid debris.

“Get me out of here! What are yo-”

I yelled and scratched at him, still partially kneeling on the sticky ground.

“Restrain him!”

They pulled me back, twisting my arms as they lifted me up off the ground. There was no chance of me being able to get out. I could barely notice how much I trembled.

“No! No, fucking let me go! Fucking…”

The guard-looking one twisted his neck, and looked back at me. He grinned.

The sick bitch.

I tossed, seeing the heads of the other two multiples either side of me. Their expressions the same as one another, an oddly calm smirk. I gritted my teeth at them, my eyes transfixed onto theirs. I could hardly muster a blink through these burning sockets.

They dropped me, I crashed to the floor, the tiny room turned black.
​

∞​

Oh god why is there so many of them.

Why do you all look the same? Same tacky clothes, same shitty hair. Most of them probably hadn’t bothered to tidy themselves up for even a second. If these aliens, consider this to be ‘the most harmless human form’ they have a long way to go. That or these creatures really had a thing for mirrors. Some kind of narcissism thing or a sexual one? ‘Woo! Look at me showing off in front of you!’ Pathetic.

Is this some kind of meeting? They are sitting in a circular dome. I’m in the middle, on display. They have the most serious look I think I’ve ever seen on any living being. They are alive right?

I notice my clothing, and see how it also is exactly alike to theirs. I hate it. I should’ve strip naked in front of them. That would have been funny. I bet they would have been disgusted. I would have had enough time to get away and out of here by any means. What about weapons?

Oh fuck, they’ve tied me to this chair.

One of them steps forward, even if he is just one of the faceless masses, I recognise the costume…

“Ric-”

“First of all, who the hell are you!” I shouted at him.

“Rick Sa-”

“I asked you a question!”

“I’m not in t-the business of answering questions, and you A – 962 certainly aren’t in the business of asking them.”

“I don’t care about my business! I want out of here.”

“That’s no use, this is a prison, you’re our prisoner, and an incredibly important one at that.” He slowly nodded at me, as if it was something he didn’t really want to admit.

“I don’t want to hear your expositional babble!”

He drew his face closer, leaning over. His eyes like little golden discs, in sharp focus. “That – dosen’t matter.”

He pulled back. “You tried to break out of there. You could have at least waited for us to come and get you out. We resorted to some, very drastic measures because of that.” He rolled his eyes.

“What fucking choice did I have!” the chair shook, back and fourth back and forth. They all laughed in unison. I couldn’t resist snarling at them.

“If you would have done the rational thing that b-being not trying to kill me then you wouldn’t be tied up now. You’ll only be one kind of prisoner then.” He took a moment to look at the buttons and sleeves on his shirt. I swear I had seen myself draw blood, yet his coat was pristine, as if I had done no damage to him whatsoever.

I stopped rocking the chair. I surely would have fallen over if I had carried on. Even those I hated these, things, the idea of being just a complete laughing stock here tied me up inside.

“One kind of prisoner?” I asked.

I think I saw him pull a strand of thread from his coat, before he looked back at me with an unholy glare.

“F-Forget I said that.” He started circling around me. The crowd of duplicates moved their eyes in synch.

“No! Explain to-”

“Yet you said you didn’t wanna hear me babble” he scoffed. “You know what, I’ll humour you on your current situation and then we’ll let you go. Perhaps you’ll be a tad more careful with the attitude of yours.” He stood to the left of me. I slowly turned my head, although in the sheer scale of this repetitive bubble.

“Humour me then.” I cracked the figure a smile.

“You are Rick Sanchez, A – 962 and-”

“Who now?”

“There’s no point in me goin’ through that, you’ll find out in due time. Also, shut up.” He kept walking, folding his arms. I could no longer see his face, or his gross expression. I was still aware the eyes of the rest of them were on me. I wish it could have been just mirrors. “I’ll just say, you came from a universe where no Rick existed before. Don’t get too worked up about that though, you’re nothing but a small step to our infinity.”

“I’m not being a step in anything you have planned!”

“Don’t fight it, you know you already are.”

I was tied here with no way out. I didn’t have a choice in what I was wearing or who I apparently even was. My own helplessness was setting in on me, creeping. Could I twist my arms out of here? I would break a wrist if I did, but it would mean I had a chance to not be a part of their shit.

Worth a shot.

“Make me give up!”

Fuck making a fool of myself.

“You’re all fake! Every single one of you!”

I pushed my arms against the back of the chair and continued to twist. My arms continued to have a scorching sensation running through them. I think I heard them crack again. Shit, I’ll be fine with having them cut off. It’ll be a battle scar at least.

How can they sit there with such apathy?

But him, I heard him laugh. A soft snigger, then a great chuckle.

“I would confine you, again, but there seems n-no point! I am actually, very much enjoying your spirit. I think you’ll find yourself fitting in here…”

“I fucking won’t!”

“They all say that. I would give you some advice though…”

I refused to listen. My wrists still burned, my own pain was far more important than whatever shit my captor had to say.

“The best option for you, now, would be to go into this society. Embrace it!” he shifted his eyes back to me, his expression less cynical, a little dearer. “Try not to think about it, what you saw here today. I don’t think you have the patience to listen, and explaining it to you would be useless. You’ll have to – help yourself.”

“You are letting me go then? Why did you…”

“Huh? You do seem rather glad that you’ve interfered with my plans and r-ruined everything!” he blinked at me before letting out a sort of giggle. “As I thought you would.”

He gestured towards two of the seated replicas the stand up and unbind my hands. They drag me up by the arms before letting me stand on my own. I shook my head, my entire body coming into focus. I had no way of standing out amongst their ridiculous costumes. I was just like them.

I wanted to die. ​

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, there! Leaving a normal review for chapter four, hehe

“You? You! Don’t make me laugh. Thousands of Ricks probably came up with that shit and long before you did! It’s not your idea that made you special, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time…”

Yeah, I maintain that dialogue's a really strong suit of this fic. It fits really well with what I know of the show, and I mean, sure, this isn't a retelling of the show (or it wouldn't be fanfic amirite), but the way you write it just flows really well and is so in character I can literally hear them in my head word for word, loud and clear. I can't say that happens often when I'm reading fics.

The sound here also carried a shitty kind of echo effect. Everything, so much louder that it actually was. It was but another reminder of my pathetic confinement.

I like this a lot. It's powerfully worded and really conveys Rick's emotions well. As a side note, you manage the swearing well in this fic, too, lol. That might sound kind of weird, maybe? But it's another thing I'd expect because of the show, but it could easily be overdone. It's not here. It just adds a perfect amount of flavor and really makes the characters come to life as I read.

I tried to break my hands away from each other, the strain was almost unbearable; various bones clicking in all sorts of gross places.

I really like the description here also. There's a lot of gems in this chapter I could quote, really.

I was tied here with no way out. I didn’t have a choice in what I was wearing or who I apparently even was. My own helplessness was setting in on me, creeping. Could I twist my arms out of here? I would break a wrist if I did, but it would mean I had a chance to not be a part of their shit.

Rick's hopelessness mixed with his stubborn persistence really shines through here in particular.

I won't go into grammar again, but I did wanna say I saw a huge improvement already. Overall, I think emotions and dialogue are your strong suit, and this chapter was all about it. Hell yeah.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Chapter V

Morty: F-020 ​

“These streets used to be gold, eh? Is that true C?”

“Well, no. It’s as grey here as it ever was…”

B – 060 wrinkled his nose. “If you are so sure.”

It should have been a ghost town, it wasn’t. There was the distinct hum of something in the distance, what could be the fragmented noises of humans. I had the feeling grass once grew here and if not, some kind of artificial variant of it at least had. Most of the landscape appeared to be burned; there were in brown patches along the floor in every direction.

There used to be trees here too. I could imagine them with bright green leaves rather than the bare branches. They looked like wires exuding from the ground. Even though signs of life still existed here, those signs were that of the uncanny.

The city below us, by contrast, was thriving. The bright blue glow radiating from the floor like heaven in reverse. Nobody had bothered to place rails around the edges of this platform village. To help tackle the busy traffic or so that the citizens could jump off? I imagined at least some would had taken that chance. How many? 5, 20, 30, more? I didn’t want to know. The answer was already too many.

They had still bothered to clean the statues despite them having nothing unique about them. They were the exact same gaudy statues with Rick’s smug face plastered on them that you could see on almost every area of the Citadel. Of all the things they could have maintained, of course Rick has chosen those. It was as if he didn’t see more idealised versions of himself around the Citadel each day. These statues were even brighter, shinier, larger than the ones back at the academy too. For a place that even had ‘Morty’ in its name, it was abundantly clear we weren’t welcome here.

How long had we been travelling? It had felt like days, although I knew that it wasn’t as such. Was the Citadel really this big? I suppose it had to be a ‘planet’ in a way. At least big enough so both of our seemingly inherent need to explore was mildly sedated.

B – 060 held the map tightly in his hand. It was noticeably ruined and all edges, bent and twisted with a tear right down the centre. He seemed mostly unbothered by it, however. C – 849 had stopped trying to snatch it away and had taken to standing as far away from him as possible instead. Which is what these two Mortys should be, as far away from each other possible.

“We’re lost, aren’t we?” C – 849 said.

“Huh? What, w-what do you mean?!” B – 060 looked up and blinked at C – 849.

I stepped back from them both. I’ll let these two handle their differences, there was no point in intervening on either one of them. It was going to take a considerable amount of time before I had a chance to tear myself away from this life. I’ll tear myself away from these shitty arguments at least.

“We’ve been past that same Rick statue 3 times at least.” I saw C – 849 slowly roll his eyes, as if he was trying to make sure B – 060 didn’t notice.

“H-How do you know? They’re all identical anyway!”

“Um, because I lived here once?”

B - 060 appeared to throw his head back, as if captured in awe for the moment. “Ah, right, you did, didn’t you?”

C – 849 shuffled backwards and placed his hands together before taking his vision to the floor. “Umm, well, of course.”

“Did you battle pets really have nothing to do, that you memorized the individual differences of the statues?”

“What? Um. Well, geez, we kind of did?”

B – 060 chucked. His green sparks of energy pointing out into the air. “Oh, that’s pretty sad isn’t it? They didn’t think much of you when you weren’t mauling other versions of yourself to death, huh?”

“That’s not how it was!”

“Are you so sure? I don’t think this obvious shrine to your sport is showing m-much of the alternative.”

C – 849 gritted his teeth and huffed. My own eyes were scouring around the disjointed world. Among the broken branches and gleaming figures, I could make out a large, glowing device in the distance. Around it’s edges, it glowed like an artificial sun.

“Umm. Is th-this what we’re looking f-for?” my hand shook as I pointed upward.

The two of them had their eyes flick back to me, as if I was being persecuted. I didn’t know how much C – 849 hated B – 060, but I’m sure it didn’t match that of my own.

B – 060 spun. “Oh, huh. Guess you found it, F.”

“Excuse me, it?” C – 849 shuddered and jumped back. “Oh god, god, is that-”

“It’s what we’re looking for, both of you, follow me!” he beckoned us forward, clicking his fingers a bright green spark flung from his hand. “That means you too, C!”

C – 849 entire frame was frozen, stilted. As if he could hardly move. I kept my gaze over at him for a while, before I ambled in B – 060’s direction.

“Hey, I said that includes you, C!” he threw his arms up, a look of fire in his eyes. “Get a move on! W-what is with you!”

C – 849 began to inch away. His eyes still glued to the pavements as he utterly refused to acknowledge the situation. B – 060 was humming something, not a tune I could recognise, but on each of the high notes B – 060 his energy noticeably buzzed more. Perhaps it was a warning? It was at least a clear mocking of C – 849.

Turns out we were annoyingly close to the portal. Did B – 060 have his eyes closed this entire time or something? I guess that’s what having you face stuffed in a map does to you, if you can map read that is.

The area where the portal itself stood didn’t seem very well cared for either, even if this may have been the centre piece of the area in some former time. What was a source of light now stood as a hollow void. Did it still work? Then we could just go wherever we wanted right?

“Stop staring, Morty, this isn’t what you think it is.” C – 849 shook his head.

“But it is what we need!” B – 060 stood ahead of us, just on the pathway leading up to the machine. We stood back, watching as he pounced fourth.

“This, is a micro-dimension!” he said.

“Actually, they called them Pocket dimensions!”

B – 060 scowled and twitched.

“You’re planning on using these?” C – 849 tiled his head.

“What is it now?”

“They shut those things down ages ago.” He turned his body a little, as if he were about to walk away. “You’ll get nothing out of them.”

“I wouldn’t quite say that.” He appeared to stumble over, crossing the path onto some patchy grass. Kind of floating in places, like he was drunk, or hypnotized. He disappeared behind some battered trees until there was a large ‘clunk’ from where he strayed. He then skipped forward, back to our view, in a kind of triumph.

He stayed there for some moments, dishevelled. The circle behind him producing some sparks, before flashing in an extreme, repetitive motion. Glaring white lights. Here a second. Gone the next. Screeching in insane movement. I covered my eyes, not quite managing to bring myself fully into the dark. The light still seeped through.

There was the sound of a scream before it faded.

B – 060 was a grim spec before the portal. His whole face grey in comparison to the green light. A part of him seemed to blend in with it, as if his own psychic energy was the same as that of the universe. Although he may not have taken in the light, he seemed unsurprised by the sound. C – 849 on the other hand, was shaking. The beads of sweat dripping from his face. He still had those sunglasses on, I wondered if he had looked away as I did. Perhaps he had stood there in sicking awe.

“Aw jeez, It’s broken! For god’s sake it’s broken!” He cried.

“Broken? That’s exactly why we need it!” said B – 060.

A broken portal? I had no idea that portals could ‘break’ if that was really the right word for it. Even so, it’s energy was sporadic and shifting far more so than any regular portal would be. It was certainly unlike anything I had ever seen.

“Stand here, with me!”

I hesitantly stepped closer. C – 849 again gritted his teeth and stayed behind again.

“Back when ‘Morty Battles’ were still a thing, they created these Pocket Dimensions in order to host them. Many of them an awful lot smaller than an actual dimension should be. I had assumed most of them were destroyed after the place became abandoned. I g-guess that they did.”

Abandoned? I’m sure this place wasn’t quite abandoned. C – 849 was quite persistent, but I wasn’t sure if he was correct. What was the full reason they shut this off? Even if it didn’t properly function they could have at least kept it as an energy source, right? If the glitching was due to age, perhaps it was because nobody wanted to visit the dimensions anymore? Or the few remaining citizens abandoned in an act of apathy, something I would expect.

B – 060 was laughing at C – 849’s comment. “That’s some i-interesting advice!”

“If it counts as advice.”

I slipped past B – 060, who was still somewhat distracted. I went forward, quietly and went to take a peak.

Peak. Peak.

Peak of a mountain.

Like the peak of the world.

What a spiral. What a grip.

How it fights you.

How it outmatches you.

You see the fury seek you out.

You see death on his hill.

He points at you.

He.

He takes you into the green and severs your soul.

He rips it.

He. ​

“What the fuck are you doing! Get your face out of there you lunatic!” there was a sharp twist at the back of my neck. The red gaze of B – 060 directly pointing into my scorched eyes.

The world around me stabilized. Brown, grey, monotony. Safety. The fire still burned in my mind. Hopeless, dashed spirit. Light of pure phosphorescent damnation. The moment where my own shell had taken upon death as it’s subject.

There was no way to correctly portray the vile subject I had just seen.

I thought there was no way to properly ‘kill’ a dimension, but of course, the Ricks had found out how.

“What. Why is it, why, w-hy do you need this horrible place!” I was stuck. B – 060 drew back from me.

“I would be strangling you right now, F, but I need to save my energy.” My eyes were still blurred, but I could still see that B – 060 was radiating with more of his toxic energy than ever. I twisted my head, and imagined pushing his into the concrete. I saw him bring out that bag again, he was kneeling over. I could do it. Have his brains splatter over the pavement in a great bloody explosion. Watch all that energy spring out of his dying body like an imploding star! My mind was such as mess. Images, fragments still took my mind, that I couldn’t shake. I sweated, encapsulated by that terror. All I could do was stand and not scream.

“Do you really think you are ready to read those now?” C – 849 walked over to B – 060, squinting.

B – 060 twirled, the bandages around his face trailing through the air, delicate feathers. “Yes!” he snapped. He flung his hands up and showed off the deck of tarot cards. Some of them fell to the floor. “No, no. C, we still need you for this.”

“What is it you want me to do?” C – 849 asked.

“You see that switch, just over there?” he gestured to a silver box at the side of the flashing monstrosity. C – 849 huffed and wandered over to it, kicking up the remaining dirt as he did. He leaned up against it, pattering his fingers along it’s surface.

“No, no t-touching that yet!” there was a small spark as C – 849’s body shook as he was forced to turn around.

“W-wasting my power? No, you wait till I find the right dimension!”

C – 849’s eyes flipped to the floor, then back again. “Pick up those Tarot Cards.”

A flash of panic hit B – 060’s eyes. He scrambled around on the floor for the lost cards.

“What now?” C – 849 asked.

B – 060 fanned out each of the cards, and shuffled them as he slowly rose to the floor again. Whole chunks at a time. If they were in any order before, I doubt much change to it had actually occurred.

“Downward, Page of Wands, no!” he threw the card away. “Switch, now, C.”

The entire world seemed to fall dark for a moment, until C – 849 clicked the switch again and the world was once again awake in green terror.

“I don’t think that dimension was strong enough.”

“Str-strong enough!” I yelled, still afraid to move.

“What did you expect F?”

C – 849 stayed silent.

“T-that amalgamation of l-life wasn’t strong enough!”

Stop smiling like that! God, I wish I could punch all your teeth out.

“Appears so! You were the idiot who just had to stick there head inside of it!”

I bit my tongue. My curiosity had indeed gotten the better of me. How many times had curiosity gotten the better of these freaks? I couldn’t have had it worse than them. Although, B – 060 seemed relatively unscarred by what he had done. Unless those flashy powers had gotten him out of trouble, more times than he could probably count.

“Three of cups. No, too harmonious. Next one!”

Then they played with the light fixture. Having it flash on and off for what seemed like an eternity. On. Off. On. Off. It hurt my head even more. At least there was time for me to concentrate on slowing my breathing. Still not quite over my bout of madness.

“King of Swords! I think we’ve got it!” B – 060 bounced forward, throwing his bag aside so that it narrowly missed the portal. Each of the portals had glowed with the same whirring energy, but this one was the indeed the foulest one I had seen yet.

“The King of Swords shows that Rick, whichever sort, probably held a lot of power here, made many adaptations. I have a feeling that I know what this one used to be.” C – 849 looked at me and lowered his eyes. His face was somewhat dazed but surprisingly relaxed. He was still trying to block this out.

“Everyone, shut your eyes!”

I was tempted to disobey, yet, if he was going to do anything with that dang portal; I didn’t want to be the one to observe it.

There were several flashes. All unequal in their length, but all ghastly. There was some kind of crashing sound. Was that B – 060 laughing?

“You’ll wake up the whole damn Citadel!” yelled C – 849.

I fluttered open my eyes.

What was B - 060 holding? Some kind of staff? What was that at the end of it? It’s glowing. Everything is glowing. Horribly. B – 060 is floating I think. There is a look of joy on his face. Is that joy?

“I believe I have weapons for each one of us ready!” He held up C – 849’s gun. The one he used to shoot that poor fortune teller with. I didn’t want to be reminded of his feeble body, scattered with blood. The images of my own shattered mind, merging with death, those I who The Citadel spun around me, like a dream. There was a moment of hope in my heart that T – 020 was alive somewhere. Quickly dashed.

“Morty? F, Morty!” C – 849 was spitting at my face.

I shook my head and blinked. “Oh. W-what i-is it?”

He sighed and handed to me, what looked like a hammer. One with green energy, just like that of the portal. “This is yours.”

I didn’t want to take it. Yet, the strength that it permeated with. I felt as if I needed it. A crucial tool of conquest, of vengeance perhaps? My hand trembled. This was an object of disgust to me. It was necessary for me to take it to move on.

B – 060 was still floating, screaming. “Woot! Ahahaha! The weapons they are ready!”

“What did I tell you about shouting, Tele!”

“Come on, you didn’t even get your gun!”

C – 849 smiled, taking one glance at me before walking towards B – 060. He took his gun, now so much deadlier with a friendly admiration.

“You didn’t quite see, did you Morty? These weapons, they each hold a piece of that dying dimension.” He had become calmer, in a strangely more genuine sense. Proud even, standing next to B – 060 like that.

“They are eldritch weapons! They can be used to cut worlds apart! Or, more importantly, sever bonds.” said C – 849.

“B-bonds?” I asked. I would like to sever these bonds, just as soon as I gather these memories. My past cursed me, would remaining with these two really be the way to do it? Time will tell, and time was no one’s concern here.

“Although, Ricks and Mortys aren’t always together on the Citadel but we can easily hunt out the weak ones with these cards. The weak timelines and tear them apart!” B – 060 said. “It’s kind of a slow process, to begin with. Once we destroy more and more, then the universes, all of them will begin to unravel themselves! With any luck, time will be unaffected.”

I brought my shivering hands to my side, clutching that little mutant hammer.

“Meaning, us Morty Smith, will be able to take those dimensions!” I noticed he was holding that scissor blade I had seen before. It shone, brighter now than a sun.

“Geez, take those dimensions?”

“It’s freedom, C, it’s control!”

∞​

My mind was still jumping in various places. Unstable. While walking, it made the world rotate. Tiny specks of colour dancing across the landscape, figures that couldn’t be unseen.

I couldn’t help but smile at this tiny weapon though. No matter how many weapons the Citadel had, this was something beyond that. Something treacherous. It went against the established order. Ricks normally had a natural talent for doing so, unless they set up the order; then they do anything to keep control. Abandoning this place, I suppose, was a form of keeping that control. Now I had a small taste of control for myself. More than simple firepower, the power of worlds.

“We’ve got to guard these things with our lives, you know?” B- 060 said. He has that darn map out again. I wish there could have been rain on the Citadel, then it would have just washed it away down some drain. Then again, we would have been stuck if it did. This is one of the last places I wanted to spend ‘forever’.

I wanted to rest my head if I could. Anywhere. I had no clue if I would be able to get even a wink of sleep tonight though.

“Say, B – 060, I have a suggestion.” He pointed towards, somewhere, no place that I could tell. C – 849’s eyes widened, he still held that gun in his hand. There must have been a nerve running through him. One he had to fight, which told him to shoot at B – 060.

“They boarded that up ages ago. Didn’t they? Didn’t they, no!” he attempted to thrust the map away, but just ended up gently making it flap. He winced and tore himself away from the paper. At least he had that gun. How anxious would he be without it?

“Is there really a safer place for a M-Morty here?” B – 060 sneered. C – 849’s face was becoming noticeably redder each minute.

“Safe? Safe!”

“Look at this place, C. It’s yet another place on the Citadel made by Ricks, for Ricks.”

“Poor Ricks.”

“They are Ricks regardless.” B – 060 sighed, “They won’t let stay anywhere near them without a fight. So, we’ll have go to the only true home for Mortys here. The one place they chose for us to stay.”

C – 849 could only stare. He knew he was right.

 

[diamondpearl876]

The city below us, by contrast, was thriving. The bright blue glow radiating from the floor like heaven in reverse. Nobody had bothered to place rails around the edges of this platform village. To help tackle the busy traffic or so that the citizens could jump off? I imagined at least some would had taken that chance. How many? 5, 20, 30, more? I didn’t want to know. The answer was already too many.

Huh... I like this description a lot. You do a good job going from the physical/practical parts of things, then when you get to the emotional part at the last sentence, it hits hard.

It was going to take a considerable amount of time before I had a chance to tear myself away from this life. I’ll tear myself away from these shitty arguments at least.

This seems sensible enough. Morty's pretty self-aware of the situation. In some ways, I think that makes being in his situation a ton harder.

“Did you battle pets really have nothing to do, that you memorized the individual differences of the statues?”

“What? Um. Well, geez, we kind of did?”

Lol, though I guess they could've memerized other parts of the surroundings, too, and mapped how they connected in their head. The current dialogue is a lot funnier and true to the canon than that logical, though.

I went forward, quietly and went to take a peak.

Peak. Peak.

Peak of a mountain.

Like the peak of the world.

What a spiral. What a grip.

How it fights you.

How it outmatches you.

You see the fury seek you out.

You see death on his hill.

He points at you.

He.

He takes you into the green and severs your soul.

He rips it.

He.

Love the tension in this part here.

I thought there was no way to properly ‘kill’ a dimension, but of course, the Ricks had found out how.

Of course. The Ricks know everything, damn it!

“Three of cups. No, too harmonious. Next one!”

Then they played with the light fixture. Having it flash on and off for what seemed like an eternity. On. Off. On. Off. It hurt my head even more. At least there was time for me to concentrate on slowing my breathing. Still not quite over my bout of madness.

Amusing image here. I really need you to teach me the Tarot stuff sometime, honestly.

There were several flashes. All unequal in their length, but all ghastly. There was some kind of crashing sound. Was that B – 060 laughing?

You write this scene and how it effects Morty without his sight really well.

“They are Ricks regardless.” B – 060 sighed, “They won’t let stay anywhere near them without a fight. So, we’ll have go to the only true home for Mortys here. The one place they chose for us to stay.”

C – 849 could only stare. He knew he was right.

Mmm, perfect way to end the chapter, IMO. The feud between the Mortys and Ricks in this fic is a great read tbh. Keep it up!

 

[Flaze]

Well, looks like we have a double feature review this time around so, let’s get into it shall we?

Chapter 4

TIMELIME

I wonder what Timelime flavored sod atastes like

it

I think you meant to put lit

those

Though


I didn’t expect to have another POV protagonist in this story and the fact that it’s a Rick is a nice bit of trivia as now IR has its own Rick and Morty protagonists. This new Rick is also a lot like MorF in that he’s different than all his other counterparts and also seems to have a disdain for it. Granted, the main reason for that might the fact that it’s not actually a Rick.

This reveal is where the chapter hinges on the most and you do a great job of conveying the feeling of uncertainty, shock and disdain of waking up in a (I assume) completely new body and surrounded by people you don’t know. It’s kind of sad that we don’t actually get an explanation when it was offered to us multiple times, but it’s very much in character for Rick to not do something after he’s been annoyed past a certain point, as troublesome as that is.

Your description is also crisp this time around, with more detail but also not much at the same time, I particularly liked how you described the feeling of being trapped inside a tank.

That being said I think the chapter both works better but also suffers from it being too short, it has really nice pacing and flow which makes it feel kind of weird that it also goes by so quick. I think you still have to do some work in juggling the pacing, with F’s chapters you tended to focus on events too much while this time you had a good hang of it but then the chapter ended. I think if you keep the chapters with their previous length but with this pace you can really get the hang of it.


Chapter 5

Of all the things they could have maintained, of course Rick has chosen those

I think had sounds better in this instance.

“No, no t-touching that yet!” there was a small spark as C – 849’s body shook as he was forced to turn around.


“W-wasting my power? No, you wait till I find the right dimension!”

Is it B talking in both of those paragraphs? If that’s the case then wouldn’t it be better to put them both in one paragraph? I originally thought it was someone else talking.

“I don’t think that dimension was strong enough.”


“Str-strong enough!” I yelled, still afraid to move.


“What did you expect F?”


C – 849 stayed silent.


“T-that amalgamation of l-life wasn’t strong enough!”


Stop smiling like that! God, I wish I could punch all your teeth out.

This is one of those moments I’ve told you about before, where it’s hard to really tell what’s going on. What do they mean by the dimension being strong enough? I’m sure you’ll probably explain it later but isn’t there a way to give us some more hint on how they measure a dimension as strong or not? Also I understand that you want the dialogue to speak for itself, but I think making the character’s actions a bit clearer here also helps, I can’t tell that B is smiling until F tells us too and by that point it kind of ruins the flow of the moment.

Another thing I could have less of is F talking about how horrible C and B are, at this point we’ve been reminded of this fact multiple times and we can discern it from the way the characters interact, so I think it’s redundant to keep focusing on it. I understand that this is your way of showing us how F is focused on them and hates them for what happened with Rick T but doing it every chapter will make it get old quickly in my view.

Aside from that I think it was an interesting chapter, the abandoned site of the Morty Battles got a lot less description than I expected, which I think you can expand on to give us a better sense of where everything is located here as well as how ruined the place is, maybe show us F’s thoughts on the place more and what he thinks of the whole ordeal in general.

The thing with the tarots is still a bit confusing but I’m glad that we got a better explanation this time around, the fact that they use them as a way to find weaker universes is interesting in and of itself, but I feel like there’s more to it than what B and C are telling us.

Lastly, I wonder how the weapons will come into place, I was a bit confused by their appearance as well. Like, are they weapons that were created using those weakened dimensions? And what happened to the dimension they had found? Did they destroy it? And if so then why didn’t we see them. Also, adding how F feels while carrying the hammer would be a nice touch on expanding on the weapon’s appearance, its weight and the like.

Either way, I know I complained about a lot of things but I’m starting to see where the story is going a bit more clearly, at least for now. I wonder when we’ll get to see that Rick again but if we also get to learn more about these weapons and the Morty Crew’s plans then I won’t complain either.

 

[Ghostsoul]

I wonder what Timelime flavored sod atastes like

Hm. What does it taste like?

That being said I think the chapter both works better but also suffers from it being too short,

My biggest gripe with this chapter was that it was too short. I wasn't quite sure how to expand it though, without making it exposition heavy (and even with that I wasn't sure how/what exposition to include).

What do they mean by the dimension being strong enough? I’m sure you’ll probably explain it later but isn’t there a way to give us some more hint on how they measure a dimension as strong or not?

OOh. Yeah, there is a reason why, a pretty disturbing reason why too. I really should have put it in there. Actually, I'll think about adding it in.

Another thing I could have less of is F talking about how horrible C and B are, at this point we’ve been reminded of this fact multiple times and we can discern it from the way the characters interact, so I think it’s redundant to keep focusing on it.

This is also true. As of now I'm not sure how I'm gonna reduce this though. At least, not until Chapter 7. So even if it is repetitive we have at most one more chapter (after this one) of these kinds of thoughts anyway.

In regards to everything else you mentioned, you are sure gonna find out later.
I'll think about describing the hammer in upcoming chapters though, seems like a good idea.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards review time!

Firstly, I like to get the positive stuff out of the way. Despite having never watched Rick and Morty, I feel I was able to follow the story easily enough. You did a very good job of explaining things enough that I was able to grasp the basics of this world and follow the general, point by point actions.

I cannot say that I particularly liked F, as he seems to be perhaps deliberately unreliable and misleading, but he was an interesting character to follow around. Being first person, I was expecting something a little like Saturn again, but was pleasantly surprised by how different F was; insecure, afraid, desperate to get away, but also with a touch of neediness and a little sinister side he is doing a terrible job of hiding. He is definitely one of the more intriguing aspects of the story, and goes well with the general eccentricity of the plot.

However, I cannot say I was very hooked by the story. One of the main reason was that it does rush into the central plot very quickly without laying the groundworks for why we should care about, well, anything. There is a very good opening to the story with F having his tests, talking with the teachers, and then meeting C. But after there is the explosion (which is not very well explained, I was rather confused there), things start racing off and it is all a little jarring.

The lack of context and the speed at which things move, mainly in the first chapter, really did not capture my imagination. I was left a little confused as to why F, C and Tele were doing what they were doing, and the world of the citadel became a tad more convoluted with the space dumpster and all those elements.

The second chapter had some good character moments between everyone, mainly at the start. C is actually a quite decent supporting character, one I think fits the mould quite well. He is cheeky and quick witted, but displayed a lot of heart and a series of layers which really made him the more intriguing of the Morty’s.

F as a character became a little more complex and confusing after the fortune teller scene. He seems to dislike killing and doesn’t want to be a killer, but also imagines killing quite regularly. It is a little too obvious to be a subtle bit of unreliable narration, and if there is meant to be a contrast here, I’d play both sides of it down just a little bit more.

My main issue with F is that he seems to be making a lot of decisions to help further the plot. I am not sure why he agreed to go with C in the first place or stick with him and Tele; he basically didn’t want to, and then just decided to go through with it. It’s something that just screamed of being plot rather than character convenient.

There are some intriguing things going on around the fortune teller and that, and I appreciate the imagination going on there, but their overall goal is where the lack of knowledge about the canon really harms your enjoyment of the story. We have to assume things about the multiverse and the wider world rather than him them explained properly, and it ultimately means that unless you are a fan, you just don’t care.

Setting is something else where I feel things can be lacking. We get a little taste of what each place looks like, and there was a brilliant bit of description of the Citadel before the explosion, and I am disappointed that was not expanded on. However, by the end of the third chapter, I still have no idea what the context of each place is. We move quickly to Mortytown in the second chapter, and only get a description of what it looks like in the third – though it is an admittedly good piece of writing, even if it is quite brief. There is no reason given as to why it is so close to the Citadel or how or why the two exist in this little part of the universe. The vagueness of the overall location lets down the otherwise interesting descriptions, which are seen at their best during the hotel scenes.

The hotel scenes are notably where we see more of the plan and of Tele. The plan, I get the general jist of it, enough that I know what they want, that there are tarot cards involved and a map and the general destruction of the universe, but the overall ideas I think need more explanation. One thing I always grade Non-Pokémon stories on is whether or not they can sell the concept of the fandom/canon product to someone who isn’t aware of the world. Same way you would have to with an original story or indeed with most Pokémon works. I think you need to find a way to better explain the Citadel and the multiverse in a way that is natural to the story but still sets up and explains everything that we need to know.

Tele seems to be the borderline antagonist of the story, or at least a complicated supporting character. There are some interesting ideas and quirks to his character and personality, but he seems to be a prop for a series of ideas rather than a fleshed out being. I am not really sure who he is or what his motivations are/his ideal end game. U was only seen briefly so I can’t really offer any insight into her.

I must say, the interlude was a much better showcase for your style and talent than the rest of the story was. It was a much slower pace and allowed the existential crisis-ness which you did so well in The Detriment to be seen once again. The minimal description, the fear, the brief sentences; in that setting, it worked. Yet in the main parts of the story, things get a little jumbled up. It was easily a highlight of the story for me.

That is not to say your style is bad elsewhere, but in the rushed context of the plot, things can move a lot slower. Descriptions of movements and where people are standing in a room often come across as awkward, while moments of description are thrown carelessly into scenes and their impact is dulled. The large amount of detail needed to build the world and the randomness of the plot does not allow for the internal thoughts to shine as best they could. I really would recommend slowing things down and taking more time to build things out rather than trying to keep things succinct when they don’t really need to be.

Despite these other issues I have mentioned, I still enjoyed and was able to follow the story. Really, the biggest issue for me in terms of enjoying and settling into the story were the mistakes.

As I have asserted to you before both in previous reviews and in private conversations, the technical aspects of the story/grammar make your writing really difficult to read. I am not sure what methods you use for proofreading, but I would strongly urge you to either find a beta reader or install a program like Grammarly. In saying that, both are tools that come after the fact of writing; they can catch some of it, but unless you change first, there is no way they will be able to solve everything. I am not going through and highlighting everything as DP basically has already done that, but I would look through her list and rather than just going through and fixing everything, go through and see what the common errors are and find out why you are making them. Re-learning and trying to avoid your common mistakes can be very difficult, I know this from experience, but spell check, Grammarly, all these things can’t help you or your writing if you are not putting the time and effort in first. It is worth noting that many of the mistakes that DP brought up in her very thorough review, particularly around commas and full stops in the wrong places, were still recurring throughout the latest chapter.

On a slightly smaller note, I also found the text made things difficult to read. I had to copy and paste the forum copy it into a word document in order to read it.

Overall, I don’t dislike this story, but nor has my attention been gripped enough to care much about what happens next. My two main positive notes are that F and C are more interesting and intriguing than the story itself is, and the style seen in the Interlude is the best example of what you are capable of. I read the latest chapter while editing my awards thoughts, and the problems I noticed earlier are still present there: they are randomly in a new location that’s not really explained (blue city below, what does that mean?) and the pocket dimension aspect really just went over my head. The central issue here outside of the grammar stuff is that it can just be a little confusing. You have some interesting ideas and great characters, but the story needs to earn our interest rather than demanding it with a slightly rushed plot. Describe the setting more. Highlight the character’s motivations and why they are doing what they are doing. Explain the context of the world in a way that you are comfortable with. I would love to see this story succeed, and I know you are a good writer thanks to The Detriment; you just need the same care and slightly slow touches from that story to influence this one more.