Ghostsoul
"You can order me around and I'll disappoint you!"
- Joined
- May 25, 2015
- Messages
- 481
- Reaction score
- 188
This paints a picture, especially with the name of the Lucario, it gives the image of a romantically inclined character who lives to search for beauty. It's a good character establishing moment.A strong, cold wind blew sea spray into my face and made me glad I hadn’t bothered to style my hair before training.
I looked across the beach at Guinevere, my lucario
Sunrises are almost always pretty, an ugly sunrise in fiction? Now the instances of that I know I can count of one hand (it's 0). You can at least say something unique about it perhaps.. It was a pretty sunrise. They almost always were on Iron Isle.
Again, I would be more amazed if it didn't. This line almost seems to allude to the fact there are some places, that for whatever reason, do not have sunrises.Summer also has sunrises.
Something like the 'limit of my powers' or 'psychic ability' might roll of the tongue better/help the pacing but it might just be me (I could be wrong).which is about all I can do as far as actively influencing others goes.
The fourth wall is going to get all murky if you keep leaning on it like that.…that probably didn’t make sense. I apologize.
Kind of uncomfortable for a semi meta intrusion.
Not sure if this needs to here.A moment later,
'It hurt' alone might carry more impact.It also hurt.
I am rather fond of your taste in names! I'll say.evolve Lilith.
The prose here is good, and manages to both provide character insight/exposition while moving forward the plot.I also had minor burns on my forearms, where the skin was a soft pink. Past experience said it wouldn’t hurt unless I pressed something hard or sharp against it. But if I’d kept the aura up for longer it would start to get painful to any touch, and eventually the skin would start peeling. And those wounds didn’t heal particularly quickly.
After a few minutes of meditation and focusing my aura into regenerating my legs, I managed to stand up with reduced discomfort. My midsection would take a while to heal, but at least I could walk to the closet. Once there, I began the task of figuring out how I wanted to present today.
I think it's nice how casually you introduced Cresselia, a legendary in human form, as such a mundane thing, again it's something that really works for the worldbuilding. It gives the audience a good sense of the stories attitudes and narratives.Cresselia walked in.
She was in her usual human form today. Looked like a woman in her late 30s
This name is very descriptive. I thought something more vague, or just more original would work better here. Especially since this seems like it'll be an important location later on.The Paranormal Storage Center.
Something nice to end on, a good character establishing moment.Pretend to care. About him, about the town, about any of them. And then the next day I’d get on a boat for Canalave and look back across the water, half-hoping the entire place would get sucked into the sea so I could be done with it for good.
As a general comment I love how the theme/symbolism of water is prominent in the piece. It represents moving on, am I right?
This chapter is a lot better than when I first reviewed the first one. It ties the exposition and the plot a lot better and gives me more space to care about the characters because they are a lot better developed, the emotions feel more real, and the plot just feels more coherent. You give the information you need, where you need it. You've generally fixed the problems that you've needed to.