Misfit Angel
Normal is an illusion
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2013
- Messages
- 2,822
- Reaction score
- 1,308
- Thread starter
- #221
The best form of Halloween, the one that's celebrated year round!What a strange form of Halloween these two celebrate...
Has it really felt like that? I've been trying to build up the idea that there's something bad bubbling under the surface that the characters can't see yet. What's bubbling in the background is the B plot, which admittedly, I haven't handled as well as I'd planned.Anyway, I have nothing against this plot point itself, but in the middle of what has seemed solely like a slice-of-life fic thus far, with fantastical overtones only with respect to the existence of Pokémon, it feels out of place and as if the story does not know what it wants to be or where it's going.
And this is the prime example of that. I was tongue in cheek about it myself, with Patrick mentioning that "It's almost like nothing is happening with that, it's been so quiet." I recall mentioning it to you that I wanted to do a spin off story that focused on Tamara simply because I'd dropped the ball on getting it started within the main story itself, but that still hasn't happened, six months later :|I could've bought Tamara not being mentioned again or fleshed out as planned
Unfortunately I'm just too deep into both to fix this. This chapter you're specifically commenting on was the one that cemented the supernatural aspect of the story in too far for it to be taken out. At least, going forward, the two plotlines (Andrea/Kimberly goofing around in their own lives and the supernatural stuff) will start to become more and more intertwined, so hopefully this worry should diminish. Though I'm happy to accept that this chapter definitely did feel out of place. It's the first proper chapter to shift the focus onto the antagonists when the rest have more or less been very laid back and comfy.But now that the fic's switching back and forth more between slice-of-life and some borderline epic supernatural genre (I'm also taking into account the "final boss" you've mentioned in #writing), it does. ~40 decent-sized chapters in, I don't think that should be the case.
Anyways, at least I'm doing the slice-of-life stuff properly, right? It pains me to say it, but King of the Hill is pretty much the only slice-of-life media I've watched or read (outside of Seinfeld I guess), so I don't have a lot of experience with it.
nod Good, I've captured these two well.Their dialogue is pretty good! I get the distinct impression of two very smug people who take pride in how "cunning" they are, and how superior to others they are, heh.
Very good point. As far as it being relevant, it was my justification for him trying to stay beside her despite the fact that he struck out on his sole objective with her. I guess the ultimate relevance will come with deciding if I want to keep him as a character... been thinking about cutting him entirely and rewriting Kimberly's chapters in doing so. But that's a drastic decision that I'm not quite ready to make yet.Surely a nurse who works with traveling trainers knows that not all traveling companions are particularly close to each other? That they kinda just bump into each other sometimes, like Kimberly and Loren, in fact, did? They might be traveling together, but that doesn't mean he should be trusted with that info. In fact, info about Kimberly's family/past... something Loren would probably already know, if they were close. So, I'd say the nurse's words feel really unrealistic here. And now that I'm caught up, I don't know if him knowing this info was really relevant in the end anyway other than Loren insisting on traveling with her. All that would be needed for that is the "people are going missing" info, I'd think?
thumbs upKimberly's body image issues are portrayed pretty well.
Agreed. There was a reference here and there, but nothing that'd indicate that this was an actual problem for her. One of my goals with the ongoing edits of my earlier chapters is to include more references to this.I think the fic could do with more references to it throughout, because I don't remember there being any hints of these issues while she was with Andrea. People with body image issues are extremely likely to be more self-conscious in the presence of other people, after all, and the way they show self-consciousness is often observable by other people.
All thanks to you, actually! The guitar bit is something I really want to do, but yes, it's a bit hard to picture that. Especially since she's already lugging around a giant suitcase with her clothes and belongings in it. But I think as far as telling an interesting story goes, I can safely set aside the unreasonableness of both.I'm glad the coordination ideas are being brought back. I imagine a guitar would be a bit hard to carry around everywhere, haha, but it sounds neat, having coordinators be musicians, too.
He will.I'll be interested to see this convo, assuming this means Petyr will show up in person down the line.
I dunno if I see it as strange, personally. She respects the person who got her to where she is, she doesn't respect the womanizer that very well could have raped her if Juliano wasn't there to stop him. Besides, about six months have passed and she's learning to be a bit more assertive since then. At least it's interestingIt's a strange but interesting contrast to her going off on Loren in the chapters afterward.
Hmm! When I was looking back on this part, I felt like it was a little bit contrived. I guess it's just my growing uncomfortableness over capitalizing on the fact that this story is set in the pokemon universe. I'd rather it isn't, at this point.I love the worldbuilding here especially! I mean, you do well with non-Pokémon worldbuilding, but when the Pokémon worldbuilding does come up, it's an extra special treat. The thorough documentation of moves and what moves are related to what species is awesome to see.
Yeah, but this in top of that? She realizes she has so little going for her, so she's been looking to build every aspect of her life through the institute, but she can't do that if people write her off so quickly and heavily.My only gripe here is that... well, Andrea's already been blatantly told why her co-workers dislike her, didn't they? They said it was because she seemed like Dr. Reiland's little pet and that it was like she was getting special treatment?
Maybe. But you should see my passion for classic cars, despite knowing next to nothing apart from a vague list of make and model names, and knowing what that white stripe on older tires is called. I think it's very frequent these days for people to be heavily invested in something they know so little about, even if they don't realize it.I think this might be more of a personal pet peeve, but Andrea seems surprisingly too enthusiastic here, to the point where she can't tone down her knowledgeable self. I'd believe the enthusiasm more if this was her specialty, but it's not.
As far as using it as an opportunity for more worldbuilding, that's an idea. This chapter is already very short, but I did design it solely as a means of setting Andrea and Kim up together again.
He cares for this poor creature, now that he knows some of the stuff she went through. But yes, that's a key aspect of his character, pushiness.Man, Patrick gives a lot of unsolicited advice.
I think this is one of those things that won't make sense at the start, but will when the story has finished. It's part random commentary/worldbuilding, part building up a long term set of characters and who they are as a family and as individuals. How the Eckhardts got to where they are, their personalities, how they view "the lesser folk", what they want, all of that will be important later on.Not gonna lie, I didn't see the relevance of all this info. It fits in more like random commentary to me.
Correct.I think the museum was supposed to show how full of themselves the Ekhardts are.
Hmm. Perhaps it would be better served as a short interlude all on its own, and maybe slightly expanded.It is a long section to make that point, though, and I think you could have said it more succinctly (Even though the Ekhardts probably wouldn't). This is quite a lengthy chapter, and since you kind of make the point multiple times throughout, that section would be the one to trim.
Whoops. I intended to Patrick to make use of his R-Kit during the meeting, but never actually did (outside of some minor activity in the lounge). Gonna go fix that in a future edit Soon(tm).These two bits are opposites of each other, and very close together. It was kinda jarring because it implies his R-Kit is more important to him than his Pokémon?
That's because you wouldn't have seen it. This is one of those references that I snuck into a previously edited chapter, specifically chapter 13, and even then it was relatively minor. As far as the significance, I actually cover it extensively in the companion interview linked at the bottom of the chapter, but I think I recall you saying you'd be skipping those.Here's another "you'll get it back" bit, not long after the others, if it helps. Mostly I just wanted to comment that I can't remember the necklace in past chapters... Hm. So I'm wondering what the significance is, too, haha. Maybe given to her by an ex?
Kinda weird that this dude would be blatantly sexist, then show no reservations about Ainsley's position. I guess she is family, though...
Ah, but is he actually blatantly sexist? Sometimes the man does not live up to the reputation that he is given. I have two options going forward:pearl-chan's got a point about Ainsley. Chalk it up to how you have trouble writing sexism, but this is one arc where a heavily to the point of exclusively male cast really makes more sense.
- The first option is to tone things down a bit, especially the part where he picked on Andrea. Or perhaps imply that he's suggesting she can't make the journey to the foundry because of her general lack of fitness rather than her gender.
- Double down on the sexism accusations leveled at Mr. Eckhardt and truly make him a pig despite that not being the intention I had for him. I actually had that planned for his son (who will feature heavily in this arc), and there to be some confusion/guilt by association when it comes to the old man.