TEEN: Legend of the Darkness (Revised)

[TRNatalie]

Hello and welcome to an anime based fanfiction. I've been writing for a few years but this is was my first time sharing anything with someone who's not a Language Arts teacher. Thank you for taking your time to come here.

I feel as if I should explain what a Darkness is. The year was 2010. I was in fourth grade and had not too long ago entered the Pokémon fandom. One day at school, my cousin, the one who got my brother, and as a result me, into Pokémon came with a Meowth card depicting it sitting on a pile of gold coins. Eventually it led to my cousin telling me of an episode where a Pokémon called the Darkness nearly killed Pikachu only for this Pokémon to be defeated by Team Rocket with Meowth running into the cave and scratching the Darkness while Jessie and James kicked it from behind. This episode captured my interest almost immediately and the search began. With little access to the internet at this point in my life, I pulled out a Pokémon handbook when I got home and there was nothing in it called the Darkness. My cousin had told me it looked like a large black swirling circle with two glowing red eyes but the only thing close to that is Spiritomb and Giratina in the Platinum opening. I knew my cousin had stopped watching the anime at this point (and I hadn't yet learned to take what my cousin says with a grain of salt) so I assumed it must've been an older episode and the Darkness was so terrifying it had to be taken out of the Pokédex and Game Freak just reused the design. My imagination couldn't be held back. What did (and could) this Pokémon do? Did it have any other forms? Was there a reason it was gone from the Pokédex? Eventually I accepted that the Darkness never existed and most likely neither did this episode. This story asks what if it did.
Rated T just in case for a few non graphic deaths, a little bit of blood, and themes of living with autism and discrimination.

Edit: It's been a while but I'm finally back and I've heavily revised this with the edits reviewers have suggested. Aside from an overall improvement in the writing quality, the biggest changes are 1. Edmond is the focus right from the beginning, and 2. A new chapter has been added exactly in the middle of the fic. I'm still sticking with the anime elements since this was always meant to be animeverse but if some elements still aren't working, I'll try to cut them out. For all of you that have been waiting, thank you for your patience. For those who are new, welcome. Please enjoy.

Chapter 1: Ghost Valley
Chapter 2: Squadrons
Chapter 3: A Dance of Treachery
Chapter 4: Prisoner in his Cell
Chapter 5: The Journey to the Cave
Chapter 6: Entering a Persian Den Part 1
Chapter 7:
Chapter 8:
Chapter 9:

 

[TRNatalie]

Spoiler: Change Log

I'm just going to say it, this chapter has been entirely rewritten.

​

A Spearow cocked her head as she watched her human steady a needle behind a lid filled with red dye.

“Alright Spindle, String Shot please!” said the young man.

A Weedle aimed carefully and shot a thread of string out of his mouth. The thread ricocheted off the lid with a splash, and sped through the needle’s eye. With a swish, Spindle cut the thread with the stinger on his head. The young man tied the ends of the string together and began sewing a piece of cloth as black as his hair onto a target.

“Edmond, it’s almost 11.” The nineteen year old looked up. A brown haired woman stood against the frame of the hallway.

“But-but sh-shouldn’t I clean up first,” the boy said, looking at the drops of red on the gray table.

“I’ll take care of it. You need to get going.“

“Thank you, thank you,” said Edmond. He stood up and slung a cylindrical woven rucksack over his shoulder.

The woman sighed as she noticed a tube sticking out of the top flap. “Don’t tell me you’re bringing that thing tonight.”

“I made a new one! I-I promise it will work this time!” Edmond said, his dark blue eyes gleaming.

“The last time you used it, you broke your ribs.”

“I only cracked them and it was just a slight malfunction. This one worked fine.”

The woman sighed again. “If you have to do this then please try not to get killed out there.”

Edmond smiled reluctantly. “I promise I’ll be careful, Clarissa. As careful as I can.” Beside him, Spindle climbed onto the Spearow’s back. “Come on Quilfeather.” Edmond rushed out the door, waving goodbye to Clarissa, the Spearow flying overhead. As he ran through the dirt streets, he saw a streak of white zip across the sky. “That's funny. I didn't know shooting stars could happen during the day.”

* * *​

Dust flew as the “star” crashed into the forest floor. Minutes later, a Meowth jumped out of the crater, landing perfectly on his hind legs. “Thanks for the lift Jimmy,” the feline said, brushing off the dirt and grass stuck to his sand colored fur. He paused and looked at his surroundings. All around him, spots of char marred the ground. Trees had been knocked down or reduced to twisted, blackened trunks, making the ones that stood healthy and green seem out of place. What had done this?

His ears pricked. Usually he would’ve heard the chirps of bird Pokémon or the singing of Bug types but instead an unnatural silence filled the air. Quiet, quiet… that was until he heard a scream from his lavender haired companion who landed with a thud behind him. Meowth jumped and shot his friend a glare of annoyance, forcing himself to keep his fur flat. “Keep quiet!” he hissed.

James sat up with a wince, holding his hand to his head. He looked around, his green eyes brightening. “It worked! Jessie, it worked!”

“Didn’t you hear me?” said Meowth, his tail twitching in annoyance.

“Then get me out of here!” a female voice ordered.

Meowth rolled his eyes as James reached into the crater and helped a red haired woman climb out. She looked around, her glare disappearing as she saw the charred spots.

“What happened here?”

“It looks like a Fire type had a fit,” said James, finally becoming aware of their surroundings.

“Yeah, that’s what happened. Some fella’s Charizard took it’s temper out on the vegetation. But why are things so quiet?” Meowth walked forward, his tail brushing against a charred tree. At the touch, the tree crumpled into a pile of bark and ashes. Meowth coughed as a cloud of dust filled the air around him. “A very strong Charizard,” he thought, grimacing as he stared at the pile and continued on. Behind him, Meowth could hear Jessie and James get up and follow after.

Spotting a hill, Meowth climbed to the top. Aside from the silver contraption that he now stood beside, he saw a small valley of drab ochre colors that made it especially stand out in the center of its vivid green and black surroundings. Inside the valley was a small town.

“Ghost Valley. Visit with caution!” a sign read as proudly as it could.

Meowth curiously touched the contraption. A bar shot up, sending a sharp projectile directly at James who ducked as it crashed through the tree behind him, breaking the trunk in two. He and Jessie both blanched as they stared after it, the tree slowly crashing to the ground. The bar settled back down as a new projectile slid in with a click, the sharp tip gleaming wickedly.

Meowth backed away, his tail twitching involuntarily. There was no doubt in his mind that the contraption had to do with whatever had made the scorch marks but what could creature provoke such a violent defense?

* * *​

“Ghost Valley Town Hall,” a large brown building read as proudly as it could. Commander Faria had told Edmond once the town got its name after the rumored “Ghost Town” because of how deserted it got around this time every month. It also got it’s name for how many people tended to...

“Focus Edmond!” he chastised himself as he entered the building, slightly out of breath. He froze as he realized five or more pairs of eyes were on him. Quilfeather gently landed on his arm and gestured for him to keep moving. Taking a deep breath, he ducked low and made his way to the left corridor. What did they see when they looked at him? The outcast of Ghost Valley? The weird yet quietly brave member of the squadron? Another of countless people and Pokémon to fight and die to the Darkness?

Edmond fought back a sigh of relief as he slipped through the corridor and out of sight. As always, the candlelight from small lanterns filled the hall with as much light as they could. On the cream colored walls, pictures of previous commanders were lined from the first to the last. Edmond stopped beside the final picture frame and stared at it mournfully. The picture displayed a man with graying brown hair. He stayed looking at it until Quilfeather nudged him with her beak. Reluctantly, Edmond stepped back from the picture frame, gripping the tube that hung from the rucksack. “I’ll avenge you, sir. One day,” he said before he continued on.

He passed by a window as he opened a door to a dark training ground. Edmond stopped beside a rack that held shirts made of alloy and a different colored clasped jacket for each member of the squadron. Setting down the rucksack, Edmond reached for his usual spot but his things weren’t there. Trying to remain calm, he searched the rack.

“Hey Edmond!”

Edmond smiled as he spotted dark haired Reuben, probably the nicest person in the squadron, and his loyal Aipom, riding atop his shoulder. As usual, a scar was marked along Reuben’s cheek. Another scar he’d never seen before was near his right eye. “Hi there!” Edmond quickly searched his pocket and found an extra Poké Ball. “Thanks for lending Kadabra to me,” Edmond said as he handed it back.

“No problem. How’s your side?”

Edmond turned his attention back to the rack. “It’s better now.”

“That’s good. What are you looking for?”

“My jacket, it’s not here! Oh, I’m going to be thrown out of the squadron!”

“Don’t be so dramatic, it’s right there on the top handle,” said Reuben. A dark green jacket with silver clasps and an alloy shirt hung from it, higher than Edmond could reach. Edmond blushed in embarrassment. “You messed up again.” The Aipom on Reuben’s shoulder chirped happily and climbed to the top of the rack.

“Besides you won’t be thrown out of the squadron for something as trivial as that. You have to commit a crime to be thrown out and the last time I checked, losing a jacket is not a crime,” Reuben continued as he took his blue jacket off the rack.

Aipom nudged Edmond’s hand. “Aipo.”

“S-sorry. Thank you, Aipom.” Trying to smile, Edmond petted it on the head. Aipom chirped then returned to Reuben’s shoulder.

Edmond pulled on the shirt, clipped on his jacket, picked up the rucksack, and walked alongside Reuben. “Do you know who’s going to be commanding now?” he asked.

“I’m afraid not. The mayor hasn’t announced it yet. I think he was waiting to see how many of us showed up today.”

As they entered the commander’s office, Edmond couldn’t help but notice how unusually roomy the office was today as he recognized the other members of the squadron. Beckham, currently the eldest in the squadron at a month away from twenty-one with the gold hair and the dark purple jacket, watched as his younger brother Kurtis, with the straw colored hair and a light purple jacket, chatted happily with strawberry-blonde Mercedes, currently the youngest member of the squadron at seventeen with the teal jacket. He could just overhear tiny bits of their conversation before he remembered that his squadron mates didn’t like it when he did that.

Edmond shivered involuntarily as he noticed Mondego’s red jacket and almond brown hair alongside Norbert’s black jacket and white hair. He couldn’t help but wonder if they were talking about him.

He stopped beside Caderousse, easily recognizing his friend’s gray jacket and light brown hair.

“Edmond, you’re back already? I thought you broke your ribs last month,” Caderousse whispered at him, his earth brown eyes wide with surprise.

“I didn’t. I only cracked them,” Edmond whispered back.

Caderousse opened his mouth to say something else when the office doors opened with a squeak. Both of them turned as another young man their age entered the office, the doors closing loudly behind him. All eyes were on him as he walked forward with pride in his every step, deliberately taking his time getting to the front of the room. He tossed back his royal blue hair importantly, the silver clasps on his white jacket shining brightly. On his shoulder perched a Spearow with similar colors to its trainer’s.

He gazed proudly at the look on his squadron mates’ faces. “I’ve impressed you all again, haven’t I?” With that, he stepped between Norbert and Mondego.

“You don’t have to disrupt the vicinity every time you enter a room, you know,” said Beckham pointedly.

“They don’t seem to mind,” the young man said, gesturing to Kurtis, Mercedes, Caderousse, Edmond, Mondego, and Norbert.

At the front of the room, Mayor Arick cleared his throat. The squadron snapped to attention. “First things first, a moment of silence for those who fell last month.” Edmond closed his eyes and lowered his head in respect. “Now as you are all aware, the squadron is rather low in attendance at the moment.”

There was a murmur of agreement. “Last month took a toll on us. Four dead including our commander, two still in the infirmary,” said Beckham.

“So today I want you to try to recruit volunteers for tonight’s squadron.”

Edmond felt a chill within him.

“But, um, Mr. Mayor sir, is this really a good idea,” asked Norbert.

“There’s been more than a few instances in the past where we’ve had to do this. It worked fine then and it will work fine now,” Arick said. Norbert nodded obediently as other members of the squadron discussed the new assignment amongst themselves.

“Edmond, are you going to be okay with this?” whispered Caderousse.

“I’ll-I’ll try my-my hardest to re-recruit…” Edmond fiddled with his hands. “Come on, if you can face off against a monster like the Darkness, you can talk to new people,” he chastised himself. It didn’t help. If anything, it only made him feel worse.

Arick cleared his throat to regain their attention. “As you are all aware, Commander Faria sadly passed away last month. A new commander must be assigned before tonight.” Each member of the squadron straightened up. “After studying each of your credentials, I’ve narrowed it down to two of you; Danglars...”

The entire squadron applauded as the blue haired man stepped forward. The Spearow on his shoulder posed proudly. “Sir,” said Danglars.

“And Edmond.”

Edmond was speechless as several other members broke into applause. Quilfeather posed proudly on his arm as he stepped up nervously. He felt Mondego and Norbert stare daggers at him while Danglars looked at him incredulously.

On Danglars’ shoulder, his Spearow gave Spindle an ominous look. Spindle ducked low as Quilfeather rose her wings protectively around the Weedle, giving the other Spearow a dangerous look.

To Edmond’s surprise, the usually stone faced mayor smiled at him. “Faria told me a lot about you.”

Edmond gulped nervously. “Were they... g-g-good things, sir?”

“Good? They were excellent. The way he talked about you, you might as well be his right hand man. He said you were exceptionally loyal, reliable, innovative, always helpful…”

As Arick continued, Edmond heard Mondego mutter, “Of course he did. Edmond was always the teacher’s pet.”

Edmond felt guilty. “W-well I-I wouldn’t say that. He-he was like a-a father to me,” he said shifting, picking at his hair, dragging the toe of his boot against the floor.

“Modest too. Well come on then, let’s see how you two do in battle.”

“But Mr. Mayor, is it really a good idea to let a...”

“Danglars,” Beckham interrupted sharply. “That doesn’t matter. Let the mayor see what he’s capable of for himself.”

Danglars breathed heavily. “Of course, I just thought the mayor would want to know of his choice’s disabilities.”

Arick led them to the middle of the training ground then strode to the back of the dark room. He reached for a rope then looked back at them.

“As you should be aware, in order to be commander, you have to be quick, you have to be cunning, you have to be decisive especially when against the enemy.”

In a flash, the curtain was pulled apart. In an instant, Edmond felt as if he was standing in the forest at midnight. Out of the shadows, two red glowing circles faced him. A black bolt of lightning shot towards him.

“Quilfeather/Spearow fly!” The two Spearow took to the air as Edmond and Danglars stepsided the lightning attack. Edmond could hear the clap as it struck the ground behind them. He pulled out two Poké Balls and threw them. At the same speed beside him, Danglars did the same. Four Pokémon now stood; a Cloyster with a battle scarred shell, a Meganium with a red flower looplet around her antenna, a large Feraligatr, and a Sneasel with notches in her ears.

“Amaryllis, please use Petal Dance!” Edmond shouted. The Meganium drew back her head and sent a flurry of flower petals flying around the room. As the petals flew, Quilfeather flew higher and faster.

“Feraligatr, Whirlpool! Sneasel, Faint Attack! Spearow, Fury Attack!” As he gave the command, Danglars pointed his dagger towards the eyes as he always did when fighting an enemy. At the same time, the Feraligatr released a swirling vortex of water. Meanwhile Sneasel vanished into thin air while Spearow started flying forward.

The water surged forward, pushing large quantities of air and petals towards the eyes. A lightning bolt shot out, ripping the whirlpool apart as the electricity conducted, destroying the petals in small clouds of smoke. Small embers fell to the ground.

“Now Icelyn, please use Ice Beam!” shouted Edmond. The Cloyster released a light blue beam, freezing the bolt in its path, then closed her shell as the ice shattered against it.

“Feraligatr Hydro Pump!” A heavy stream of water crashed into the eyes.

“Ice Beam again please!” Icelyn shot another beam towards the shadows, freezing the creature in its path. Quilfeather and Spearow flew at the beast furiously, attacking it with beak and claws while Spindle sent a flurry of Poison Sting at the eyes from his perch on Quilfeather’s back.

A bolt of lightning shot at the birds. Spindle pushed Quilfeather into a dive while Spearow just wasn’t able to avoid the lightning entirely, the attack clipping his wing, leaving him flapping wildly unbalanced.

Sneasel then appeared out of thin air. “Metal Claw!” shouted Danglars, slicing the air with his dagger. Sneasel’s claws glowed silver then sliced across the eyes, tearing the face apart with a flurry of sparks. The red eyes went down.

“Wait what?” Edmond blinked as a curtain closed back over a now badly torn tarp. “Oh right, simulation,” Edmond remembered.

Quilfeather flew back to his arm, her and Spindle looking proud. “You all did great,” he said, petting each of his Pokémon on the head before returning Amaryllis and Icelyn to their Poké Balls. Arick walked back in front of the tarp, clapping.

“Excellent job, you two. You both have excellent initiative. I’m sure both of you will make excellent commanders but tradition says I can only choose one of you to be commander. Now who should I choose? Hmm...”

“With all due respect Mr. Mayor sir, is it really such a good idea to consider someone autistic to work such an important job such as this?” Danglars interjected loudly, “No offense Edmond, I’m just looking out for my shyer colleague.”

“That’s... very kind of you Danglars,” said Edmond at length, not sure how to feel about what he just said.

“I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be. From what Faria told me and from what I’ve seen, Edmond seems qualified.”

A loud cough came from the side of the training ground. “If I may offer a suggestion, Mr. Mayor sir, why don’t you see which of them can get the most volunteers for the squadron? Whoever does will be commander,” said Mondego.

“That’s a selfish way to approach it,” interrupted Beckham,”If anything goes wrong tonight, the volunteers would be the first to pay for it. If we have to recruit, we shouldn’t go about it like this.”

“But aren’t people skills important for a leader to have? Whoever can recruit the most volunteers would obviously have the better skills therefore the best choice,” Mondego replied.

“You make a good point, Mondego. Very well. Edmond, Danglars, I will make my decision based on how well you do at recruiting. Report back here at 4:30.”

Edmond gulped but he tried to keep his voice steady. “Yes sir,” he and Danglars said simultaneously.

“You are dismissed.” The squadron saluted at the mayor and began to exit the training room.

“I-it’s r-really an honor to be considered a-as worthy a-as you, Danglars. Just think, o-one of us will be commander,” Edmond said excitedly.

“Yes, I’m just in the throes of ecstasy,” Danglars said. There was something in his voice that Edmond couldn’t detect.

“Hey Edmond, Danglars, congratulations,” said Reuben as he passed them by.

“Thank you, Reuben.” A moment later, Edmond was pounced on by Kurtis and Mercedes. “Hey careful!” Edmond pulled the rucksack away from them. “It can be very touchy.”

“May the Commander be the better of us,” said Danglars, his face tight.

“Yeah.”

Without another word, Danglars walked out of the room. Mondego shot Edmond a venomous glare as he and Norbert followed after him.

“You must be very excited about this, Edmond! You’ll be commander! That’s the highest honor you can get in Ghost Valley!” Mercedes cheered, lightly hitting him in the arm.

“Yeah,” said Edmond. He still didn’t know what to think. As Mercedes said, commander was an incredible honor that every member of the squadron dreamed of but it was also a challenging and dangerous position. What if he didn’t do the job any justice?

“Yeah, maybe you could convince my brother to let me be on the front lines tonight,” said Kurtis. He looked down at his boots.

“It’s only because he cares about you so much,” Edmond offered.

“Yeah I know. I just can’t help feeling guilty. I mean, you guys are risking life and limb fighting the Darkness and I’m always guarding the outskirts or loading the catapults. I want to do more than that for once.”

Edmond watched Kurtis, deep in thought. “I... can’t promise anything but I’ll try to arrange something on the front lines for you,” he said at last, not quite able to look him in the eye, dragging the toe of his boot along the floor. “Besides it’s not official yet. The mayor hasn’t chosen me yet and if that’s to happen, I’ll have to recruit more volunteers than…” Edmond trailed off.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to do it. Um, why don’t you try asking Zenin. He was in the squadron before, wasn’t he?”

Before Edmond could say anything, Mercedes started pushing him to the front of the corridor towards an old man. “Hey wait!”

“How’s it going, Zenin? Our friend Edmond here has a question for you,” said Kurtis.

“Oh he does, does he?”

“We’re really doing this, aren’t we?” Edmond thought. “Alright, no need to panic. Every single person on the planet does this. Well no, most people don’t ask others to fight a homicidal monster.”

“Go ahead little one, don’t be shy.”

“You can do this, you can do this. Do as Commander Faria said, find something to connect about, grab onto it, and go.” He felt Quilfeather nudge him with her beak, gently pushing him forward. “...Uh-uh… H-hey Zenin, l-lovely weather we’re having today, isn’t it?”

“I guess so. I haven’t been outside since I got here this morning.”

Edmond laughed nervously. He twisted at a loose lock of his hair.

“Wasn’t there something you wanted to ask me?”

“Go on Edmond, ask him already,” Mercedes whispered.

“We-well sir, we-we were wondering if-if you-you would…”

“I’m sorry but I can’t hear you. Could you speak up?” said Zenin kindly.

“Yea-Yes I can, s-sorry sir.” Edmond gulped. He felt Quilfeather squeeze his wrist reassuringly. “We were wondering if you w-would like to…”

“You’re going to have to speak louder,” Kurtis whispered.

“But I am speaking louder,” Edmond thought. “Sorry. We-we w-wanted to ask you…” Now he couldn’t even hear himself. “Just try again.” He could feel himself pulling on his hair. “We wanted to ask you…” Who was making that thumping noise? He couldn’t focus with it going on. “We wanted to ask you…”

“Amaryllis quick, we need you!” There was a pop as Caderousse released the Meganium from her PokéBall. She emerged in front of her trainer in a flash of red. Edmond reached for Amaryllis and hugged her, breathing in her calming lavender scent with relief.

“Megae,” she said with concern.

“Edmond, are you okay,” asked Caderousse, kneeling beside his friend.

“Sorry about that, he gets a little shy. We wanted to know if you’d like to volunteer in the squadron tonight,” asked Mercedes.

Zenin began trembling and shook his head violently, his face a mask of pure terror. “NO! No, I swore never again would I step foot in that forest, much less in that death group this town calls the squadron! Not a day goes by when I can’t still hear the screams of poor Lucy and poor William! Nothing would ever make me willingly face that beast!”

“S-s-sorry for bothering you then, sir,” said Mercedes meekly. She stroked Amaryllis’ head.

Zenin stepped back and took a deep breath. “No, I’m sorry for yelling at you young’uns. It’s not your fault you have to do this.” He looked at them all sorrowfully. “Try to survive tonight.” With that, he left them standing in the middle of the corridor.

Edmond knelt over Amaryllis’ back, stroking the comforting layer of fuzz along her scales, fighting back tears of embarrassment. He felt her nuzzling him, felt Quilfeather preening his hair.

“Edmond, are you okay,” asked Caderousse again.

“I-I…”

“Sorry Edmond, we shouldn’t have rushed you into it like that. Maybe we should try again later,” said Kurtis. Edmond didn’t say anything but Quilfeather and Spindle nodded. “See you later then, Edmond."

“Kurtis!” Beckham called.

“Coming!” With that, Kurtis and Mercedes were gone.

Caderousse knelt down beside Edmond and Amaryllis. “You know Edmond, I can’t help but think… maybe this is a sign that you shouldn’t try to be commander.”

Edmond looked down ashamed and continued to stroke Amaryllis’ head. “But-but… if-if I don’t… wouldn’t-wouldn’t..,” Edmond stammered. “Wouldn’t Commander Faria and Mayor Arick be disappointed with me?” was what he wanted to say but for some reason, the words wouldn’t come out. He continued to pet Amaryllis’ soft fuzz.

“Edmond… I hate to say it but… if you want to be a commander, you have to be able to speak, and you can’t be seen playing with your hair and you can’t-”

“I know but…”

“Just at least think about what I’ve said… and all you’d have to do if you become commander. Aside from battling the Darkness, you’d have to recruit, get to know the trainees, teach them. I think you’ll soon realize you’re better off just being a regular member of the squadron. Thinking about it all makes me relieved.”

Caderousse stood up. “I have to go finish something for Mr. Stephenson but I’ll come by your house later and we can train and try to recruit together. How does that sound?” Edmond didn’t say anything but nodded. Caderousse patted him on the shoulder and walked away.

Edmond just sat there for a while, petting Amaryllis until he remembered people were around then got up and ran into the corridor. “Thank you Amaryllis. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Megae,” she cooed as she was returned to her Poke Ball in a flash of red.

“Spear.”

“Nor without you Quilfeather. Or you, Spindle. You guys are the strongest support I have,” Edmond said, trying his best to smile as he thought about what just happened. Was Caderousse right? Should he go to Mayor Arick and try to tell him that he couldn’t be commander? But what if Mayor Arick was disappointed in him? What if he got angry? What if he threw him off the squadron? What if he agreed with Mondego and Norbert that he was useless?

“I wish you were here, Commander. Then none of these things would be happening. If I had gotten to you faster, if I hadn’t-” Edmond was jerked to a stop as he felt something snag the tube hanging out of his vacuum.

“Where are you off to, Edmond,” said Norbert casually.

“H-hey-hey Norbert, Mondego, I-I was just-just, you know, heading out,” Edmond stammered. Out of all of the squadron mates he’d learned with and fought alongside, none of them had made him nearly as nervous as Mondego and Norbert did. For as long as he could remember, they had hated him. Mondego would often insult him with words ranging from mildly hurtful to unrepeatable, not caring if Edmond heard him or not. Norbert was more discreet but Edmond had often overheard his comments of annoyance, usually when Edmond took too long on a test in training. Edmond fought back a sigh; he really did not want to deal with them right now. Plus who knew how much worse would they act towards him with Commander Faria gone.

“Is this a vacuum tube in your basket? I thought you learned your lesson after last month but I guess autists like you doesn’t learn like the rest of us,” said Mondego.

Spindle held Quilfeather back from attacking Mondego as Edmond tried to respond as calmly as possible. “Why-why yes it is b-but this one actually works, I-I te-tested it out yes-yesterday... A-and it’s a rucksack... A-and please, st-stop using that word.”

“That was pathetic! Come on Edmond, you should know by now they won’t stop just because you asked them nicely,” he thought in annoyance.

“Well then, why don’t you prove it to Mondego and I,” said Norbert.

“Of course.”

Mondego and Norbert moved forward and released a Scizor and an Umbreon.

“Wait, right here? Shouldn’t we do this outside…We’re not supposed to...”

“You wanted to demonstrate, right or are you scared that your cleaning utensil won’t work again,” Norbert goaded.

Edmond held the vacuum tube out in front of him and slid his hand into a slit in the rucksack. With weeks of experience, he felt his hand rest on a switch. In his mind, he could see the switch reading “On”, “Off”, and in small permanent marker, “Reverse.”

“I’m ready,” Edmond said.

“Scizor, use Sonic Boom!”

“Umbreon, use Shadow Ball!”

Scizor swung its arm and released a silver shockwave from it’s pinchers. At the same time, Umbreon twisted his body and sent a black and purple ball at Edmond but he was ready. He switched on the vacuum and the suction roared to life, pushing him back slightly. Edmond cringed at the loudness but he’d realized months ago it was a small price to pay to stay alive.

The Sonic Boom and Shadow Ball flew faster at him and disappeared into the vacuum. The force pushed Edmond back again but he stood strong and smiled in satisfaction as Mondego and Norbert stared at him wide eyed.

“See, I told you it worked!” Edmond said beaming.

Norbert tore his gaze away in annoyance but Mondego smirked. “What about sending it back?”

“Mondego!” Norbert shouted in panic.

Edmond moved the switch to reverse and waited... but nothing happened. Edmond looked at the vacuum in confusion. “Maybe I needed to turn it off first then turn it to reverse.” He turned the vacuum off then moved the switch back to reverse. This time, a small cloud of black and purple was coughed out but it unimpressively fell to the ground about two inches away from the tube.

Mondego laughed. “That was it!”

“Bu-but it worked earlier... I-I...”

"Edmond!" Edmond flinched at the intensity in Norbert's voice. "If you can't handle something as simple as a vacuum then you shouldn't even be considered a possible commander! The only reason Mayor Arick is doing so is because you were Commander's Faria's pet! If you weren’t, I assure you, you would be the last person to ever be considered! …So why don’t you do all of us a favor and forget about this idea.”

"Indeed and even then, it was only because he had to give you special treatment you're even in this squadron! If I were the mayor, I'd make it so none of you autists would even be able to enter training so why don't you leave it to guys like Danglars and make this easier for all of us,” said Mondego.

Edmond’s mind filled with words of defense and protest but he didn’t say anything, didn’t even utter a sound as he shrunk away from the verbal barrage, holding back tears of hurt and indignation.
Quilfeather cawed angrily and flew at Norbert but a Sonic Boom almost knocked her out of the air. The Spearow managed to catch herself by angling her wings as Scizor brandished it’s pinchers and Umbreon crouched into an attacking position. On her back, Spindle slashed threateningly with his barb and just as Quilfeather was preparing to charge forward, “Enough!”

A lady from the front desk stomped into the hall and looked at the three sternly. “You all know you’re not supposed to battle outside of the training room. I expect better from each of you, especially you Edmond.”

“S-sorry ma-ma’am,” Edmond stammered.

“Apologies ma’am,” said Norbert, "we were just having a disagreement with our colleague."

"Well if you must, take it outside... or why don't you save it for later. You and your Pokemon will need all of the energy you have for tonight."

Mondego took a deep breath and composed himself. "You're right ma'am. Norbert and I will go start recruiting now. Good luck trying to talk to people, Edmond," Mondego said, his voice edging with bitterness as he addressed his colleague. He and Norbert stalked away, Quilfeather cawing angrily after them until the lady glared at her.

"And you, get your Spearow under control."

"But Quilfeather was just defending me. She's very well behaved," Edmond thought but he couldn't talk back to an adult so he simply said, "Y-yes ma'am."

As the woman walked off, Edmond looked back at the vacuum, dejectedly petting Quilfeather on the head. "But I could've sworn it worked earlier!" Edmond stared down the hall where Norbert and Mondego walked off to. What if they were right? What if the only reason he was even here was because Faria had made things easier for him? Did that mean that all of his accomplishments over the past few years were a lie, just given to him but never earned?

Edmond slammed down on the thought, taking deep breaths. It hurt too much to think about. Besides he was still alive, wasn't he? And surely if Commander Faria had talked about him to Arick to the point the mayor considered him a worthy candidate, surely Faria had too. Surely, he believed Edmond had earned everything he had. If the commander had, shouldn’t he try to be commander for him?

Edmond stared back down the hall where Norbert and Mondego went. "I am just as much of a squadron member as any of you are and just as good as you too! I'll show you, I'll show you!"

"Come on Quilfeather, Spindle. Let's get home."

 

[lucarioknight56]

First impressions upon finishing this: wow, that's a lot of dialogue! Where's the scenery, the character actions, descriptions? While you did the lines fine, there's a lot of untapped ground for a piece of fan-fiction. Not every moment of a character's life is taken up speaking, but that's what it appears like when there's little else than that. Your writing style is sound with only a few hiccups, but please, paint a picture! It'd do us a world of good. I'd love to see this story in action instead of imagining a comic strip.

The biggest issue is setting. Your locations are given off in one-liners, leaving plenty of room for readers to wonder, "Is there anything else?" While I normally advocate for less description in stories when I can, you have to have a baseline in order for the readers to imagine things properly. Otherwise, with this case in point, you end up having characters in a very generic backdrop having back and forth conversations. I don't like criticizing like this, but that's just the way it comes off.

One note: when saying something incredulously, like you did with Nurse Joy with the '!?' and '?!", generally, you use one or the other, not both. For example, you could say, '"What? Visitors? Now? Are you here to heal a Pokémon? I’ll take care of them right away!” exclaimed a Nurse Joy', or, '“What! Visitors! Now! Are you here to heal a Pokémon? I’ll take care of them right away!” asked a Nurse Joy. The former would work better than the latter in this case, but that's beside the point. You want to avoid using more than one punctuation at a time, as it can distract the reader, and it's rather unnecessary if you use your tags right.

You have a lot of potential, so I'd suggest going over this again and give us more description around the beginning of each section. It can invoke a better sense of fantasy for us readers, and ultimately make it a work truly great!

 

[TRNatalie]

Thank you. I will.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Let me see, let me see ... I'll start with the technical accuracy. There's not a lot to pick on, in this regard. I didn't notice any spelling errors, punctuation is mostly where it should be. I will say you don't need a comma at the end of dialogue if you use a question mark or exclamation point. Your dialogue sometimes reads rather breathless - generally speaking, put a comma where a person speaking would take a breath.

There is a hint of the old said bookisms in there. I had another flick through, and there aren't a lot of saids in there. Said is fine to use, it's more like punctuation in that people don't usually even notice it unless it's out of place. For about half of those questions you could have simply used "said" instead of "asked". The question mark already shows it was supposed to be a question. Generally I use "asked" very sparingly in those situations, or when the dialogue would otherwise be unclear as to whether it was supposed to be a question.

Mondego comforted.

That would read better as "Mondego said comfortingly". Strictly speaking the original version means the same thing, but some people really get rubbed up the wrong way with words like "comforted" used instead of "said".

the lavender haired man monologued

That one is inaccurate, though - by the broadest definition, to monologue is to give a long speech. You can use it more figuratively to imply someone talking at length who obviously expects people to listen to him talk at length, especially if that speech is to do with their own opinions. None of this applies here, though.

Now, as for the general style of the piece, I'm kind of in two minds. On the one hand, you do make it clear that this is an anime fic, presumably taking place in the anime canon. So to an extent you could argue that mimicking the anime's style is appropriate. On the other hand, you also bring the problems with the anime with you as well, such as the anime battles with the very generic damage descriptions. I mean, taking that example to show you what I mean, I can guarantee you'll find battles harder to write when you just have the anime's way of showing damage (I.e: cross-hatched bruises and how far they do flying after an attack).

I do feel that the setting is too thin on the ground, though. A weekly cartoon can get away without much detail in the world - there's no time to write and animate it and nobody expects it anyway. Take your town, for instance. What kind of town is it? Does it look like a neat rural town like somewhere from Vermont, or is it more like a traditional Japanese farming village? Is it built around one village square or along the main road? If you're not sure where to start, then maybe think about why that town is there in the first place. It's in the middle of the forest, so perhaps it's a logging community. Maybe they tended orchards, or perhaps it was a model town built for the employees of one company.

There's more I could say, but I think that's probably enough to go on for the time being.

 

[TRNatalie]

I will say you don't need a comma at the end of dialogue if you use a question mark or exclamation point. Your dialogue sometimes reads rather breathless - generally speaking, put a comma where a person speaking would take a breath.

That's good to know. I will make a note of it.

Said is fine to use, it's more like punctuation in that people don't usually even notice it unless it's out of place. For about half of those questions you could have simply used "said" instead of "asked". The question mark already shows it was supposed to be a question. Generally I use "asked" very sparingly in those situations, or when the dialogue would otherwise be unclear as to whether it was supposed to be a question.

I've been told by several to not rely on said too much, to pretty much take initiative not to use it as often as possible. I can't thank you enough for this.

I mean, taking that example to show you what I mean, I can guarantee you'll find battles harder to write when you just have the anime's way of showing damage (I.e: cross-hatched bruises and how far they do flying after an attack).

I am hoping when the Darkness is fully brought in, I'll be able to utilize broader ways to explain the damage(not too graphically, mostly scratches). I'm truly sorry though if the opening is underwhelming because of this.

And really, thank you.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I've been told by several to not rely on said too much, to pretty much take initiative not to use it as often as possible. I can't thank you enough for this.

Yes, it's a strange piece of advice that seems to keep being taught. On the opposite side you now have people insisting on almost always using said, and avoiding adverbs like the plague. As you can guess, I don't agree with that either.

Incidentally, you don't have to apologise for what you've written. It's certainly nice to be thanked, and it's good practice for you as an author to think about the criticism you get (Whether you end up agreeing with it or not). But you don't have to apologise for your writing

 

[TRNatalie]

Spoiler: Change Log

Not too much different here, just a scene from the previous chapter has been added to this one and a small extra scene for the TRio.
Speaking of which, something I should've mentioned when I first started uploading this fic is that the way I've written TRio here is along the veins of these four episodes. With that out of the way, onto the next chapter!

* * *​

Jessie, James, and Meowth walked through the town trying not to be seen, although it wasn’t hard in a place that felt like buildings were the only residents. “And drab residents at that,” Jessie thought, taking in the yellow and orange buildings. So far they had barely seen any people. No Pokémon either, not even a flock of Pidgey. This place felt… deserted. Jessie thought back to the burned spots they saw in the forest. Did they have something to do with this?

“It’s strange how empty this place is,” said Meowth, speaking her thoughts aloud.

“Barely anyone in sight,” James agreed.

“I guess we could collect stuff for the next mecha while we’re here,” Jessie said, taking in the scraps of wood, metal, the occasional pile of rocks here and there, even a few pieces of weaponry alongside the buildings, “And then we can get revenge for that thing nearly taking James’ head off.”

“Not that there’s much to get revenge against,” she noted, looking again at the barren streets.

“Don’t remind me,” James grumbled, rubbing his neck anxiously.

Meowth held his paw over his stomach as it growled angrily. “Forget getting that stuff. I just want to find something to eat.”

"Me to-Woah!" Beside her, James stumbled over something. He turned around to see a strange gold contraption with a tube sticking out of it.

“What’s that?” asked Jessie.

James knelt down and began to investigate. It seemed to have experienced much hardship, dented and seemingly out of shape. One small area near the top was completely busted open with red and blue wires sticking out.

Suddenly Meowth sprang forward and picked something up in his paw, his eyes shining brightly. He held up a small metal gear and a larger gold colored piece of plastic. “Piece of junk,” he said, ready to throw them away.

”Wait! Meowth, bring that over here!” said James.

“Do you know what this is?” said Jessie.

“I’m not sure what this is but it could be useful,” the lavender haired man said out loud as he placed the gear in an empty compartment and slipped the switch over the busted compartment. He turned it on while taking hold of the tube.

Vroom! The two watched as Meowth jumped about eight feet in the air in fright.

“We found a vacuum,” James cheered.

“I see that James. This could be useful against Pikachu if we make it electric proof,” said Jessie, grinning as a large rock entered the disk sized opening.

James smiled back at her proudly. “Well, I do aim to please.”

Meowth landed on the ground, his fur standing up on end.

“Never...do that...again!” he breathed, trying to flatten his fur.

James looked the vacuum over again and moved the switch over to the tiny writing that read “Reverse” out of curiosity. He slid back an inch as the rock rushed out and hit a nearby wall. The vacuum was switched off instantly.

“Woah,” the trio said simultaneously. They each looked down at the vacuum.

“Y-you fixed it.”

The trio turned towards the owner of the voice; a teenage boy with a surprised expression on his face and a Spearow perched on his arm. The boy had hair the color of a Murkrow’s wing and eyes of a deep sea blue. Meowth stepped back as he noticed a dagger firmly tied to the boy’s belt.

The boy opened his mouth as if to speak but quickly turned away. The Spearow gave him a reassuring nudge with its beak. He spoke but his voice was so quiet Jessie could hardly hear him. The boy’s hand reached almost instinctively for his hair.

“Spit it out,” Jessie snapped impatiently.

“W-would you mind-mind showing me how to… I-I have two others… Ahh!”

Jessie noticed the boy was starting to pull hair out of his scalp when she heard her stomach growl. A moment later, she heard her friends’ stomachs do the same.

The boy brightened. “If-if I g-gave you food, wou-would you show me h-how to make two others of that work? I-I mean, if you-you cou-could spare the time o-of course.” The Spearow on the boy’s arm seemed to have enough of it’s trainer choking his hair because it flew to his head and firmly pecked at his hand.

The growling sounded again. “We’d love too,” said Meowth instantly.

The boy’s mouth dropped, releasing his grip on his hair while the Spearow nearly fell out of the air. “I-it talks! No no stay focused. Th-thank you! C-come on then. Wh-what are your names by the way?”

“I’m Meowth. My fiery companion here is Jessie and the person you have to thank for your vacuum is James here.”

The boy nodded politely. “Name’s Edmond.”

* * *​

Edmond turned away as the trio ate, shifting uncomfortably, trying not to make awkward eye contact. These three were clearly very different from his respectable, dignified, sublime squadron mates but that didn't mean they couldn't be annoyed by similar things.

“At least they haven't teased me about my stammer yet,” he thought, trying to pretend the dark amber colored walls were interesting, paying particular attention to a picture containing a Meganium, a Cloyster, a Spearow, a Weedle, a Girafarig, and a Sudowoodo.

He stole a glance at Quilfeather. The Spearow cocked her head as if to say “You wanted to do this. Now carry it out,” and flew up to her enclosure where Spindle was watching Meowth with fascination. Edmond sighed and twisted at a lock of his hair, wondering if it could be forbidden to speak a name.

“N-now that you’re done eating, c-could you show me what you did J-J-James? I-if i-it's alright with you o-of course.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” said James.

He went over to Edmond’s side of the table and knelt on the floor beside the boy. Edmond watched attentively as James removed the switch on the vacuum he found outside then did the same with his.

“Ah! I put the gear in wrong! DARN IT!”

James jumped as Edmond’s head slammed down. “What are these vacuums for anyway?”

“I-I made them to c-combat the Darkness,” Edmond said, lifting his head.

"The what?" said Jessie. Beside her, Meowth blinked curiously.

"Alright, say it exactly as you rehearsed. Here we go," Edmond reassured himself and after taking a deep breath, he began to explain in a low voice, a voice that Jessie and Meowth had to lean in close to hear.

“S-s-somewhere in the forest, there-there is a-a cave that h-houses a terrible, terrible creature, worse than anything in your worst nightmares, o-or at least I think, I think so, I-I just met you three. I-It hunts on new moon, l-l-like tonight for instance. It-it’s absolutely merciless. A-as you can imagine, G-ghost Valley is especially vulnerable to that thing’s appetite. M-many people shake this place off as an in-insignificant town of artisans but I-I think we’re the only reason that the Darkness h-hasn't devoured the entire region yet. No, don’t get off topic Edmond. A-anyway when, when we’re fourteen, we’re sent to a-a special school where we-we learn ways to co-combat it. A-at seventeen, we’re placed in the squadron if-if they think us, you know, qualified.”

Edmond paused to let the three absorb what he’d given them. He could feel Quilfeather watching him. "Ugh, that was awful! Come on Edmond, you could've done better than that!"

“I’ve never heard of anything called the Darkness,” Meowth said.

“You’re lucky then. That thing’s a demon,” Edmond said with a bluntness that surprised himself.

“Is that why everything’s so..?” James began.

“Empty? Yes. Not a lot want to risk meeting up with it. A lot of the people here call it the ‘rogue death god’ for a reason.”

"A rogue," James repeated, trailing off.

“So then how do you expect to defeat it with a vacuum cleaner,” Jessie asked.

“I-I’ve been fighting the Darkness for t-two years and not once has the-the squadron made it faint. Tha-that thing- I-I refuse to call it a Pokémon- h-has an attack I haven't seen anywhere else; some sort of... li-lightning attack that’s a-a hundred percent l-lethal. I-it occurred to me about, about four months ago; if the attack is fatal to us, what-what could it do to the Darkness? My-my commander,” as he said this, Edmond’s face fell, ”he-he c-convinced me to find a way to do that. Th-that’s what I-I aimed to do with the vacuums; I’ll be able to steal i-it's attacks and use them against it so-so I gutted them and borrowed my friend’s Kadabra to w-weld steel inside. Th-that wasn’t off topic, w-was it?”

“Have you tried to use them yet?” asked James.

“Ye-yes. Last month in fact.” The trio jumped as Edmond’s expression darkened. His dark blue eyes seemed to turn black as he relived the terrible memory…

* * *​

The dark night in the forest; black lightning flying all around, striking the ground, trees, and several unfortunate squadron members; a grief-stricken Edmond aiming the vacuum, determined to avenge his fallen commander, barely able to find the switch through his tears; Beckham and Mercedes yelling at him; the red eye that stared down at him as if daring the young man to attack; the Deathstrike that fell towards him; the ear splitting vroom!; the backwards momentum when he flipped the switch; the sudden crack of pain in his side when he hit the tree; the charred spot that appeared in front of him in a flurry of smoke and dusty ash; him lying on the ground, holding his injured side as unbelievable pain filled his body; Caderousse running to him, asking with pure worry if he was okay before the world went black…

* * *​

Back in the present, Edmond gingerly touched his left side, wincing at the small jolt of pain. He would have a crack in them for the rest of his life as a permanent reminder of that particularly horrible night. “I-in a way, I’m lucky the vacuum malfunctioned the way it-it did. C-Caderousse says i-it's the only reason I’m still alive,” he spoke aloud as he did this.

The trio was silent for a lengthy while. “And now you have to do it again,” James finally said.

“It's going to be hard today. We-we lost so many besides our commander, so many. We have to ask for volunteers.” The same saddened look appeared on his face again at the mention of his commander. “But if I command, I can avenge him! I’ll defeat the Darkness once and for all! But first I have to recruit volunteers.” He paused as something occurred to him. He looked at the trio hopefully, his eyes resuming their dark blue color. “W-would you p-possibly like-like to join my squadron?”

“Us?” Meowth exclaimed in surprise.

Edmond paused hesitating. What was happening to him? Why was he placing his trust in people he’d just met? Was this normal? And why did it feel right? He chose his next words carefully, fingering his vacuum nervously. "I-I think we could make a-a good team to d-defeat it. M-Meowth, you-you could communicate with it to trick it, talk to other Pokémon if it manages to-to get away, J-James, you-you could keep me from ma-making mistakes similar to the one I made with the vacuum, and-and J-Jessie, y-you can make sure I actually s-speak to people. I-I have another of these vacuums… and I-I give you my word that I’d do my best to protect you out there. Wh-what do you say?”

Jessie gestured for James to come back to their side of the table and pulled him into a huddle when he did. “Just think, if this Darkness is as powerful as this guy says, what would happen if we were to give it to the boss?” she whispered.

“Do you think we can pull it off?” Meowth wondered.

"With these vacuums, we might,” said James with a glance at Edmond who was waiting patiently yet awkwardly, pulling at his hair again. He turned back to Jessie and Meowth. “Jessie’s right. If we capture this thing, we would be promoted for sure.”

A brief fantasy of their boss rewarding them, their rivals groveling at their feet, Meowth being pet on the Boss’ lap, of promotions, of finally belonging played through the trio’s mind. The three cheered in joy, making Edmond jump.

“Alright, we’ll help you,” Jessie told him.

“That monster of yours is as good as gone now that we’re here,” James said.

"That's what everyone says at first," the rational part of Edmond said but he couldn't keep himself from smiling. “Th-thank you so, so much! I promise I-I'll make it worth it for you! Wait one moment.” He went to the closet and pulled out two shirts made of alloy and placed them on the table. Jessie and James both gave them a look of confusion. “You-you’ll need t-to put these on. Th-they’ll pr-protect you from the Deathstrike.”

“Deathstrike?” James blinked curiously.

“It-It’s the name we-we came up with f-for the lightning attack. I-I’m not fully sure on what it is but-but I-I know if it strikes you, i-it will kill you,” Edmond said.

James hurriedly grabbed one of the alloy shirts as Edmond went back to the closet and placed a weaving machine alongside a brown fabric on the table.

“Quilfeather, can you bring Spindle down?” The trio watched as the Spearow flew down to Edmond, carrying a small Weedle on its back. Seeing the looks on their faces, Edmond said, “D-don’t worry. These two have been together longer than they've been w-with me. Spindle can you please use String Shot for me?” Spindle carefully aimed from Quilfeather’s back and spat a white thread through the threader.

* * *​

In the middle of Ghost Valley, there was a town circle. On the east of this circle was a wooden stage, said to have been used to warn people of the Darkness in the days before the squadrons. Nowadays it was used more for competitions. Today Edmond stood beside this stage, trying to recruit more for his squadron, although now he was wondering if he made a good choice with his first three members.

“Prepare for trouble!” shouted Jessie, holding up the vacuum tube.
“Make it double but not from us!” shouted James with a rose in his hand.
“To protect Ghost Valley from devastation!” Jessie shouted, striking a pose.
“To unite all in the valley!” shouted James, striking a pose right beside her.
“To denounce the evils of light and day,” Jessie shouted, pulling herself up at James’ side
“To extend our reach to the stars above,” said James. The duo leapt off the stage and for a moment Edmond forgot that humans couldn’t fly.
“Jessie!” Jessie landed neatly in a pose, not even wincing or stumbling as her feet touched the ground.
“James!” James landed just as neatly alongside her.
“Team Rocket, we’re on the side of light,” Jessie said, linking her arm in James’ with the other pointed at the air.
“The Darkness better surrender now or prepare to fight,” James said, hoisting the rose into the air.
“Meowth, that's right!” Meowth chimed in from the right side of the stage, ignoring the curious glances from Quilfeather and Spindle.

Edmond wasn't sure whether to be envious of their unabashed energy or if he wanted to crawl under the nearest rock in embarrassment. “At least there's not a lot of people here,” he thought. And incidentally, Team Rocket? Why did that name sound so familiar? “Y-you know I-I can recognize you p-perfectly right?” he decided on.

For some reason, the two had decided to disguise themselves in long uniform jackets that made even Danglars and Mondego's look less important in comparison, something that was not an easy feat. In a bizarre twist, Jessie had chosen to wear a blue one and James a red. They now looked (sort of) like a respectable squadron but they were clearly recognizable.

“We’re not disguising ourselves from you, we’re disguising ourselves in case Pikachu shows up,” Jessie explained impatiently as she returned to the stage.

“Wh-why a Pikachu?”

Before anyone could say anything else, frantic screaming came from Spindle. The poor Weedle was being chased around by a white and blue bird. Quilfeather flew into action and knocked the other bird out of the air. Spindle climbed onto the safety of his friend's back as the bird hopped back up. The Spearow ran it's beak through its chest feathers as if trying to impress Quilfeather. She gave it a look of indignation and flew to Edmond's arm.

“It’s a Spearow but I’ve never seen one that color,” said James as the bird flew off the stage.

“That's Danglars’ Spearow. He-he dyed his feathers,” Edmond explained as the Spearow flew to the shoulder of a young man with royal blue hair and a white clasped jacket that demanded attention.

“Hello Danglars,” Edmond greeted.

“Edmond,” Danglars said civilly, “May I have a word with you?”

Edmond jumped down from the stage in excitement. Quilfeather gave Danglars and his Spearow a look of disgust and flew behind Meowth. “Sorry. Your Spearow attacked Weedle again and-,” Edmond tried to explain.

“Never mind that. What are you doing out here?”

Edmond smiled brightly. “Look Danglars! I got some volunteers for the squadron!” Edmond pointed happily to the stage where the trio posed dramatically.

Danglars looked at them strangely then turned back to him, missing the angry glares Jessie and James were now giving him. "Listen uh, Edmond, I heard about what Norbert and Mondego said to you earlier and I deeply regret that my closest friends were so mean to you."

Edmond felt himself brighten. "Thank you Danglars but it's not your fault that they hate me. I really appreciate it though. But see, I've proved them wrong! The vacuums are working, I've managed to recruit! I can-"

“But see, as mean as they are, Mondego and Norbert have a point. With your autism, you have difficulties that we don't,” Danglars said, too loudly for Edmond.

"Wow, he's not even subtle," said Jessie dryly. She jumped as Quilfeather cawed at her. "What was that for?" she demanded.

"She's just saying thank you," said Meowth.

“And I know you're not the most...socially comfortable person in the squadron so why don't you leave the commanding duties to me?” Danglars wrapped his arm around Edmond as if they were close friends which made Edmond's two Pokémon gag.

“You’re right Danglars.”

Meowth saw Quilfeather’s wings droop.

“But maybe we can both command!” said Edmond.

Danglars stiffened. “Edmond, never in the history of the squadrons has there been two commanders.”

“Then we can be the first. Excellent idea Danglars!”

Danglars began to walk away, clenching his fists. “I must get to work on recruiting. Good day Edmond,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Good luck Danglars.”

When Danglars was gone, Jessie asked, “What's the deal with that guy?”

“Th-that’s Danglars. T-top of the class, m-most respected man in the squadron. Brave, intelligent, a-always knows what to say. Th-the complete opposite of me.”

“But one day, I’ll be like him. One day even Mondego and Norbert will respect me. Maybe, just maybe, tonight will be that night,” he thought.

He heard the trio whispering amongst themselves and couldn't keep himself from wincing. What if they too decided he was useless after that conversation?

"Well, if you want to stand a chance as commander, you have to act as if you're confident," said Jessie.

"I know," Edmond replied, looking down, "But-but I'm not."

"Then just pretend you are. It works for him all the time," Jessie said, gesturing towards James who nodded until he shouted an offended, "Hey!"

Pretend? Edmond tried to stand straighter and stuck out his chest. Yep, this was him being confident alright. "How's this," he asked, trying not to get unnerved by the staring.

"Well it's a start," said Meowth.

 

[TRNatalie]

Spoiler: Change Log

A lot of dialogue changes, some backstory for Quilfeather and Spindle, and more input from TRio in this chapter.

Danglars continued to walk through the empty dirt streets of Ghost Valley.

“The autist really thinks he could lead a squadron. I’ll have to relieve him of that delusion,” he drawled, scratching Spearow behind the head, not noticing the bird peck at him. He walked between two buildings on the left where three other men were waiting at a table.

“Well,” asked Mondego.

“He got himself two volunteers.”

Mondego choked on the air around him.

“What?! There’s no way that nutcase actually...” said Norbert shocked.

“He did?” said Caderousse.

Danglars groaned. “Why is he here,” he asked Mondego.

“Yeah, why am I here?” asked Caderousse.

“Oh nothing big. We just need your help with something,” Mondego replied.

“What kind of help?” asked Caderousse.

Danglars thought for a moment then smiled as an idea occurred to him.

“Just take a drink and listen,” said Mondego. He grabbed a glass from the table and poured a liquid from a green bottle into it.

“But this is…We aren’t allowed to...” said Caderousse as the glass was passed to him.

“Our commander is gone, Caderousse. Live a little. And besides,” said Mondego with a smirk, “we do it all the time and we’re totally fine.”

Caderousse looked down at the drink and glanced at Norbert and Mondego suspiciously.

“Caderousse, you care about Edmond, don’t you?” Danglars began.

“Of course I do, we’re good friends.”

“Then you wouldn’t want him to get hurt, would you?”

“Of course not!”

“Indeed. I remember you visiting the hospital every day to check up on him after he broke his rib.”

“Yes I did,” Caderousse said, staring down at the drink, a glassy look in his eyes as he flashed back to that awful night, squadron members going down left and right, the confusion after Commander Faria’s death, the fear that he might have lost his closest friend… “But why are we talking about that,” he asked, taking a drink.

“You saw what happened last month! Wouldn’t you rather Edmond stay off the position?”

“Well-”

“And wouldn’t the squadron be harmed by someone who plays with his hair and stutters every time he opens his mouth,” said Mondego.

“Hey, he’s trying his best to break those habits! But you’re right, even if Edmond’s been able to recruit, I’m not sure if he could handle the stress and responsibilities of being commander.” Caderousse stared down at his drink again and downed the whole glass.

“Not to mention, it’ll encourage more people like him if he succeeds,” said Norbert bitterly as Mondego immediately refilled the glass.

“So now you see why have to stop him from being commander,” said Danglars.

“Of course, but how do we stop him now that he’s already started recruiting?” asked Norbert.

Danglars was silent for a moment, scratching his chin as he tried to think up a plan. “I’ve got it.” Mondego and Norbert turned towards him. “It’s really fairly simple. We’ll set him up. There are always loose ends after such serious circumstances like the death of a commander. What would happen to him if we were to say, fabricate the facts behind Commander Faria’s death?”

“Are you sure no one will question it,” asked Mondego.

“If we stage it right, no one will. We just need to make sure none of the others are around when we do it,” Danglars assured.

“But I like Edmond! He’s scatterbrained but he’s a nice guy. Handy against the Darkness,” Caderousse interrupted with a slight slur to his voice.

“So do I. That’s why we’re doing this; for the good of all of us, including him,” said Danglars hurriedly as Mondego refilled the glass.

“I’m still lost,” murmured Norbert.

Mondego turned back to the conversation as Caderousse reoccupied himself. “He means that it must look like Edmond and that stupid vacuum he’s created is a danger to society. By the time he gets out of the jailhouse, he’ll be too late,” he explained.

“And I, I will be the new commander.” Danglars stood up dramatically, staring into empty space as if a prize had appeared before him.

“But-but can he s-survive in jail?” asked Caderousse, his voice more slurred than the last.

“Of course he can. He’ll just only be able to fight the darkness of his cell,” said Mondego with an air of indifference, filling Caderousse’s glass for the fourth time.

“Besides even if he gets out, he’ll still be kicked out of the squadron and nothing will save his reputation. Ghost Valley will consider him the lowest scum this valley’s ever seen,” said Norbert.

“He’s the madman with the dangerous vacuum that got Commander Faria killed,” started Danglars.

“So goes the story,” said Mondego, pouring the last of the bottle into three more glasses and refilling Caderousse's.

“So goes the story,” repeated Norbert.

“So goes the story,” they cheered, clinking their glasses.

“To Edmond! Here’s to his health!” shouted Caderousse, raising his glass before falling over.

* * *​

“Is it always this quiet here,” James asked, pulling Edmond out of his daydreams.

“Tha-that depends on what you're asking. I-if you’re asking all the time, no. I-if you're asking every time there's a n-new moon, yes,” Edmond replied, running a hand through his hair.

James sighed and went back to pacing the stage with Jessie and Edmond resumed what he did best; quietly observing the things around him.

If the sun could be pulled out of the sky and put into human skin, that person would be Jessie. She was passionate, she was hot tempered, she was confident, she was loud, she was positive, and she was bold in a way that was both frightening and inspiring at the same time. Edmond watched as she proudly paced the stage in a way that should have lit it on fire, a skip in her step as if all the world were her audience.

Edmond wasn’t sure what it was but there was something about James that was just charming and likable. Perhaps it was just his soft nature, perhaps it was his sense of humor, or perhaps it simply was because he was easy to talk to, whether it was about the questions James asked to break the silence or the rose he carried around or the small clinking sound that came from him as he paced alongside his partner.

Edmond had seen several Meowth in Ghost Valley throughout his life but never had he seen one like this. Aside from the obvious, his fur was more of a sandy color than the cream color he usually saw. His fur was also very coarse as Edmond had discovered when he had tried to pet Meowth compared to the soft smooth fur the other Meowth in Ghost Valley had, not to mention the dirt and dust that came out of it with every stroke. However no matter how human Meowth was, he was still a cat that enjoyed to be petted and had purred contently the whole time Edmond had stroked him.

Edmond glanced at the edge of the stage where Meowth was sitting beside Quilfeather and Spindle. The Weedle was curled up beside the Spearow asleep as Meowth and Quilfeather talked. Edmond could only wonder what they were talking about.

***​

“So how did ya and Spindle meet?” Meowth asked.

Quilfeather cocked her head, giving him a sharp look.

“Just curious. A Spearow and a Weedle ain’t a common partnership.”

“...Spindle’s my brother.”

“Your brother?”

Quilfeather looked down. “It’s complicated.”

—-​

A young Spearow cowered in her nest, her parents holding their wings over her; a hungry red eye staring straight at them; her father rising in the air and flying towards it; her mother leading her behind the great trunk as the mighty Fearow battled the Darkness; her mother joining her father in battle; the Deathstrike that destroyed the tree with frightful power; but what Quilfeather remembered most were the screeches she heard from her parents and then the silence.

When the sun rose the next morning, she was alone. Quilfeather could remember the destruction around her, the silence, but what she remembered the most was the despair of being alone. She didn’t know how long she’d been hiding, her crying filling the woods, when a shadow flew over, picked her up, and stole her from the ground. A Beedrill! Quilfeather could remember her terror at the prospect of what it would do to her.

The Beedrill flew past the charred stumps and into a deeper part of the forest, the trees holding many Kakuna. Quilfeather noticed with fright that several cocoon fragments and Beedrill drills lay scattered on the ground as if they’d been under attack as well.

The Beedrill flew into the leafiest tree and set Quilfeather down on branch where only a single leaf swung gently in the breeze. The young Spearow looked at a small tan dot on the leaf but before she could get closer, the Beedrill dropped a Berry in front of her. The young Spearow looked cautiously at the Beedrill but snatched the Berry and ate ravenously. The Beedrill watched with unreadable eyes.

The wind rustled through the leaves and Quilfeather heard a cracking sound come from it. She turned around where she saw the dot moving on the leaf. An egg she realized. Quilfeather stepped closer for a better look. The egg cracked again and a small horn poked out. Another crack and two small, curious black eyes were looking at her from behind a big pink nose. For endless seconds, they looked at each other until the newborn Weedle closed its eyes with a happy expression. At that moment, Quilfeather realized she couldn’t let anything happen to him.

* * *​

Meowth nodded sympathetically. “I see. They took you in when you had nothing.”

“Yeah… May I ask you a question now?”

“Of course.”

“How did you become like the humans?”

Meowth jolted upright at the sound of his favorite topic; himself. “Well it wasn’t easy but I pulled it off. It takes a particularly clever Pokémon to learn how to speak human talk.”

Quilfeather looked at him surprised. “But I was always told that it was… taboo… to be like the humans.”

Meowth’s ears lowered. “I wasn’t told before..,” he said quietly, wrapping his tail around himself. Almost immediately, he shook it off. “It’s too late for that now. I am who I am and I’ve accepted it.”

“I see..,” said Quilfeather.

“I think it’s neat,” Spindle interjected sleepily. “Imagine if I learned how to talk like the humans. Bet it would knock that pompous airhead right out of the sky!”

“Edmond, I see you finished the vacuum.”

“Caderousse! Did you come to join?” asked Edmond excitedly, jumping off the stage to meet the dark brown haired man.

Before Meowth could ask Quilfeather who the newcomer was, he spotted, “The twerps!” Casting a careful look at Quilfeather and Spindle, he slid over to where his friends were.

* * *​

“I was going to tell you something but I forgot what it was. Something to do with Danglars and Mondego I think,” said Caderousse, puzzling over what he’d forgotten.

"Caderousse look! I was able to recruit some people for the squadron! See!" said Edmond, gesturing towards the trio.

“Excuse me, is this where we volunteer,” asked Ash.

Jessie jumped up from the group huddle. “Yes young man. That’s what we’re here for,” Jessie said, deepening her voice.

"You sure did," said Caderousse staring.

"Don't you see what this means Caderousse! This means I can communicate okay! This means I could lead! I've been practicing being confident so now I can-" said Edmond happily.

So preoccupied in what they were doing, no one noticed Danglars’ Spearow sneak onto the stage. He landed right next to a stool that Edmond's vacuum sat on. He aimed, his beak growing long and spinning like a drill. No one, except for Spindle. A determined glint came into his eye; no longer would he be chased around.

“How do we plan to expect to defeat the Darkness? Excellent question. We have a plan that involves... these vacuums,” James said, dramatically revealing the rucksack on his back while holding the tube. Jessie posed just as dramatically beside him.

“You expect to defeat an ‘embodiment of everything wrong in the world’...with cleaning supplies,” said Brock unimpressed.

“Not just any cleaning supplies. These will take the beast’s attacks and turn them against their owner,” said James.

“We can demonstrate if you'd like with your Pikachu,” said Jessie, pointing her tube at the electric type.

“SPEAR!”

“WEEDLE!”

The small bug type smacked into James, latching onto his hip. He stumbled, accidentally turning the vacuum on. Screams of pain elicited from Jessie. James hurriedly turned the vacuum off and pulled it away from her hair. “Jessie, are you okay?” he asked anxiously.

Jessie rubbed her hair, tears in her eyes. In a flash, she glared at him. James sweatdropped nervously but everyone in the vicinity jumped as a loud “vroom!” and lots of screaming came from the other end of the stage.

“Oh no!” Edmond ran over to Norbert who lay trapped under the stool, screaming as the vacuum sucked on his arm. Edmond searched the vacuum and turned off the switch. The vacuum fell silent but the cries of pain continued. He pulled the tube away from Norbert’s arm and picked up the lifeless tube. “Are you okay?” he asked. Norbert didn’t respond and continued to cry and writhe in agony, clutching his arm, the sleeve tattered and bloody.

“What's going on here?”

“The police!” James cried, grabbing Jessie and pulling her down with him behind the stage. Meowth followed closely after them.

“It's like I told you Officer Jenny. Our squadron mate Edmond, he’s been mad ever since Commander Faria,” said Danglars, right at the officer’s side.

“Wha-what,” asked Edmond.

“Oh thank goodness you're here officer. I was walking along when he suddenly attacked me with a vacuum!” Norbert cried from the ground, holding up his injured arm and pointing at Edmond with his uninjured.

“No, no I didn't!” protested Edmond, “I-I wa-was tr-trying to help him!”

“Oh Commander Boy, if only you could see the position you're in at the moment,” James thought for the way the Edmond held the vacuum and the way the stool was positioned was not in his favor.

“He thinks to help someone is to vacuum his face off! Is it any wonder he got Commander Faria killed!” Norbert continued as Danglars helped him up.

“What,” said Officer Jenny incredulously.

“What?” said Caderousse confused.

“What are you talking about? The Darkness killed him. I-I would never-”

“The Darkness may have struck the blow but it was his vacuum that pushed him towards that monster. At first, I thought it was an accident but now I see everything makes sense. Think about it,” Danglars declared, the blue and white Spearow landing on his shoulder with the smuggest expression a bird could have.

“Mondego what is he talking about? Edmond would never hurt anybody. Besides he knocked himself out last month, remember?” Caderousse paused, his blurry brain remembering something. Something about Danglars setting someone up, Commander Faria, and that Edmond couldn't... “So that's what you were up to! Oh Mondego, you can’t be thinking straight!”

"Oh I am completely but you shouldn’t worry. This is for the good of the squadron. You said it yourself that Edmond shouldn’t be commander."

“But I didn’t want him to get arrested!” Caderousse turned towards the scene in front of them with great appall.

“-And now, Edmond's trying to set up a squadron. Oh it's clear now. He's trying to get Ghost Valley destroyed!” Danglars persuaded.

“That wasn't what-” Edmond protested.

“He’s mad!” Norbert shouted over him.

Caderousse started to run forward but before he'd taken two steps, Mondego grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Say anything about this and we’ll hand you over to the Darkness,” he whispered in his ear. Caderousse gulped, paling.

“See! See! He denies it which means he admits! Why deny when we, who were there in your class, there in your squadron, there when you killed him, know it, right Mondego, Caderousse?”

“Right Danglars,” Mondego chimed in.

“I didn't! Caderousse please tell them!” Edmond pleaded.

Caderousse looked at him then looked at Mondego.

“Caderousse!” Edmond cried.

Caderousse turned away shamefully. Edmond’s face fell.

“Young man, I’m taking you in for questioning,” said Officer Jenny.

“Spear!” From behind the stage, Quilfeather tried to rush to her trainer's aid but Spindle held her fast with his String Shot.

“Come along.” The officer led him forward. “But-but…” Edmond looked at his squadron mates with a mixture of sadness, confusion, and anger. Mondego and Norbert watched Officer Jenny lead him away, a smile on their lips while Caderousse still stood facing away from him. Danglars didn’t even look at him as he stepped onto the stage.

“Sorry for the inconvenience, people. Everything’s back under control. I’m your commander, Danglars. Who wants to volunteer?”

“We’d like to,” said the boy with the Pikachu.

“You're too young,” Mondego scoffed.

“Please. I have four badges.”

“Seems we have a half master among us. Kid, I am willing to overlook your age if you and your friends are as skilled as you say.” said Danglars.

Officer Jenny shoved Edmond forward. “Keep going, it’ll be better for you if you do as you are told.” Edmond looked down. Maybe if he followed her orders, she’d start to believe him.

* * *​

“Well, this just complicated everything,” Jessie muttered as they watched Edmond get taken away. She tried not to think about the dejected look on his face; it was too painfully familiar. She also tried not to look at the smug faces on the stage behind her; they were too infuriatingly familiar. Who was it Jessie saw when she looked at Daggers; the fancy pants now talking to the twerps or...

James looked at her frantically. “Now what do we do?”

Jessie pulled herself out of her thoughts and stared at the ground. “Focus! You can’t be weak! If you falter, the whole team falls apart and where would we be then? Just because the Commander Boy’s gone doesn’t mean it’s over! We can still have these guys lead us to the Darkness. Not only will we capture it, we could get Pikachu and all these other Pokemon too! But…”

“Easy! We use the balloon to follow them and we’ll capture the Darkness and all those other Pokemon too!” she said confidently. James seemed to brighten but she knew him well enough there was something bothering him too. "It's a shame though. Commander Boy was trying so hard only to have everything ripped away from him. I know all too well what that's like." With much experience, Jessie forced herself to keep her exterior intact as she clamped down on unwanted memories.

“One problem with that,” said Meowth.

“And what’s that,” she asked. “We shouldn’t care about what happens! We’re bad! And yet…”

“We lost it on the last blast off.”

“Not again,” James groaned, head drooping.

“Spearow!” Jessie jumped as Quilfeather cawed and flew around their heads in a blur of brown and red. Meowth’s tail lowered.

“Will you shut that thing up,” she ordered, checking the stage to make sure they hadn’t been heard but it looked like Daggers was still occupied with talking to the twerps.

James reached out and caught Quilfeather gently in his hands. He gently began to pet her. “Hey it’s okay, it’s okay. I know it looks bad but-OW!” James let go of Quilfeather as she pecked at his hand. She continued to trill and caw frantically, tears dripping from the corner of her eyes. On the ground, Spindle squeaked just as frantically. As they spoke, Meowth teared up.

“Meowth,” James said with concern.

“What are they saying,” Jessie asked.

“They're saying…sniff... They’re saying-”

Team Rocket jumped as the man with the injured arm stepped in front of them.

“That includes you. I think I speak for the entire squadron when I say we're sorry you had to get mixed up with Edmond. Let's rid you of these vacuums and…”

“But our vacuums didn't malfunction. I just got startled and my friend’s hair was too close…”

James was interrupted by Mondego’s laughter. “Come on, you really don't believe the Darkness can be defeated by two measly vacuum cleaners, do you? It wouldn't even stop a regular Pokémon. Hey kid with the Pikachu, could you demonstrate?”

“Yes. I’d like to see your power for myself.” said Daggers.

“Okay. Pikachu Thunderbolt!”

Meowth jumped behind Jessie and James. The two instinctively turned on the vacuums and held them in front of them. The two grabbed onto each other and closed their eyes, preparing for the blast. Nothing came. “Huh?”

They opened their to eyes to see everyone gawking at them as a flash of yellow disappeared inside the vacuum.

“They worked,” said Misty.

“O-of course it did! I’m the one who fixed it after all. I should know it does,” said James in satisfaction.

“Accomplices, of course! I knew Edmond couldn't have willingly gotten volunteers” shouted Mondego quickly.

“You three, I don't want to do this but if you don’t hang up those vacuums, I will have no choice but to report you,” said Daggers.

Any attempt that Jessie had made to steel herself melted away in the inferno inside her. She now knew what had to be done. Her eyes scanned the crowd as she wondered if they could fight their way out. Maybe if she moved now and sent out Arbok while James covered their track and Meowth went for Daggers' face, they could...

James nudged Jessie with his elbow. Following his eye movement, she looked behind him and saw he was reaching for a Poké Ball. She nodded in understanding.

“So if we give up these vacuums, we’re part of your squadron” she asked.

“By allying yourself with Edmond, you’ve made yourself a public enemy. I am willing to overlook that and grant you redemption just at the insignificant cost of those vacuums," said Daggers.

“Sounds like a good deal. What do you say James?” said Jessie.

“I say Weezing Smokescreen attack!"

Weezing popped out of James’ Poké Ball and breathed out smoke. A cacophony of coughs came from all around. When the smoke cleared, Jessie, James, and Meowth were gone.

 

[TRNatalie]

Spoiler: Change Log

Cut out a superfluous jailbreak scene that didn't add anything and created plot holes.

***
​

“I already told you, I didn’t kill him! I tried to save him!” Edmond wept in frustration.

“I’m sorry but the fact remains your squadron mates say otherwise. You’re the only one denying it. So far everything points towards you. We’ll investigate more but until we finish, you’re staying in here.”

The door slid shut and clicked, enveloping the young man in darkness. Edmond looked around his cell, trying to adjust his vision to the faint light from a candle. In the cell beyond the left wall was a ruckus of cursing and voices; beyond the right was a silent mist of gloom and misery. Edmond meekly curled up against the right wall, sniffing. He thought back to Mondego and Norbert whispering and snickering behind his back. How long had they wanted to get rid of him? He thought back to Danglars’ friendly smiles and conversations. He thought they’d been friends. And Caderousse… Edmond shut his eyes as tears threatened to spill. He tore angrily at his scalp, mentally cursing his stupid autism, regretting his last stupid decision.

“Kid, jail’s no fun but don't tear your hair out over it.”

Edmond jumped. He thought he’d been alone.

Something soft and warm brushed against his legs. He looked down to spot a black furry outline against the dark gray-blue of his surroundings. It looked up, revealing large oval eyes, a gold coin, and a notched triangular ear distinguishing it as a Meowth, an old unusually colored one but a Meowth.

“It appears Eclipse likes you.” This time, Edmond followed the voice to find an older man sitting across from him then shyly looked back down at the Meowth. The Meowth sat down and rubbed against his leg. Edmond gently pet her head.

“It's nice to finally have some human company in here after so long. Oh, where are my manners? I’m Dantes.”

“E-Edmond.”

“What are you in for?”

“F-for being au-autistic. F-for thinking I could lead a s-squadron against the Darkness! F-for thinking I could avenge my commander. F-for thinking I-I could defeat the Darkness with a stupid, stupid vacuum! For thinking I could make something of myself,” Edmond sniffed as the tears came rushing out. His body shook with sobs.

Dantes nodded sympathetically, or at least Edmond thought he did; it was hard to tell in the dark. “I heard about what happened to Commander Faria. A tragic thing. Reminds me of when my squadron were killed. If it weren't for Eclipse here, Ghost Valley and I would have been destroyed.”

“D-destroyed?” Edmond repeated.

“It's what the Darkness loves to do, second only to killing and eating, but I bet you know that. Sometimes I feel as if the only reason Ghost Valley still exists is because that thing is playing with us like a Persian plays with a Rattata,” Dantes sighed.

“Wait a minute.” Memories of that terrible night returned as Edmond’s mind began to match things up. “That's what the Darkness is planning. Kill the commander, cause confusion, kill the remnants of the squadron, destroy Ghost Valley and then spread out it’s hunting ground into the rest of the region. Maybe after that the world.”

“Well the Darkness is smart but I don't think it’s that calculating... Although if the squadron were to be defeated tonight, it definitely would spread out throughout Johto.”

“I’ve got to help them! They need me!”

Edmond started for the door then stopped. “What am I doing? Danglars is right; I am mad! They won't ever listen to me now, and here I am trying to join them against a hungry homicidal monster,” he said matter of factly, sitting back down than stood back up, “No but I have to! I’ve stood beside them against it before! Nothing should change now! But I’ve been arrested!”

Edmond sat back down and screamed in anguish, throwing his face into his hands in defeat. “It’s times like this I wish I was normal! If my mind worked like everyone else’s, if I didn't have autism-ow!” Edmond looked down where Eclipse bit him.

“Kid, I understand you're frustrated and I imagine having autism is difficult for you but whatever idea you have of normality is not the answer,” Dantes paused and his voice went from stern to soft, “Look at Eclipse. Have you ever heard the expression ‘A black Meowth crossed my path’?”

Edmond barely nodded.

“Eclipse was born with the gene that creates that color and it was both a blessing and a curse; it kept her safe from the Darkness but scared people off that might have helped her because of that old superstition. She spent her life alone until that night twelve years ago when she saved my life.”

“How,” asked Edmond.

"I guess it didn’t know Eclipse was there until it felt her claws. Heh, that’s the only time I ever saw the Darkness faint. Since then, Eclipse has been my partner.”

“That's a great story b-but wh-why did you tell me?”

“Kid, everyone is born with a part of themselves they don't want. It's not what it is that defines who they are, it’s what they do with it that determines who they are. It’s never an easy path but it must be walked.”

Edmond stared into the flame of the candle.

“Listen kid, there’ll come a time where you’ll find yourself in a situation where it’s too soon to run, too late to hide. In that moment, you’ll have to face destiny and maybe, just maybe, the thing you hate about yourself will be what saves you all out there. Now what are you going to do?”

Edmond began to stand up. “I’m going to join them.”

“Yes."

“I’m going to walk right out of this cell.”

“That’s it!”

Edmond walked towards the door.

“I’ll dig deeper, reach higher…”

Eclipse meowed in approval.

“Walk through fire…”

“Don’t kill yourself kid.”

“I won’t run…”

“Good!”

“Defeat won’t be my master! I’LL CONQUER THAT DEMON!”

“Do it kid! Do it for everybody!”

“I’ll-!” Edmond was interrupted when he walked into the door. He held his forehead gingerly as he peered through the bars at a guard.

“What do you want?” the guard snapped.

“Listen to me! I need to join the squadron!”

“What, so you can get them killed! You’re staying in your cell!”

“Please I need to be there!”

“A likely story.”

“Please.” Edmond paused. Outside a door clicked. “I don’t mind if I have to stay in here for all eternity after tonight but I can’t just stay in here while the Darkness is out there, ready to strike. Please, let me fight it. Let me defend Ghost Valley.” Edmond clasped his hands together pleadingly.

“Do you believe anyone will buy that?”

“I buy it.”

Edmond turned to the voice. Two officers stood by the doorway, one with lavender hair and green eyes, the other with red hair and blue eyes.

“Who are you?”

“Oh just two of your fellow officers, um…” The officer with the lavender hair looked down at his nametag then his companion’s. “Jantaire and Jessiras.”

The guard cocked an eyebrow. “Well, what are you doing here?”

“Jenny gave us new orders. She said she wanted us to take him to a special cell, something to help him with his mental state. Something nice and therapeutic,” said the red haired officer.

“Although honestly, I don’t see why we need to keep him in here. The young man just demonstrated he’s willing to give his life to stop the Darkness from attacking this town and we’re honestly going to stand in his way,” said the lavender haired officer.

“You heard what Jenny said. He attacked Norbert with that vacuum! We can’t risk him being with the squadron, no matter how convincing his arguments are,” said the guard. “But I can’t argue with Jenny’s orders.”

The door to the cell opened and Edmond walked out. “Wait! What about Dantes?" He looked back at his cellmate.

"You're crazy if you think I'm going to let any more of you out! You heard what they said, it’s only you," said the guard.

"Don't worry about me, kid. You just focus on getting back to your squadron and fighting the Darkness."

Edmond nodded determinedly. "I swear to you sir, the Darkness won't even see the hills of the valley if I can help it!"

"Yeah, yeah. Now let’s get you over to your new cell before she changes her mind," said the red haired officer, grabbing him by the arm and leading him out of the room.

* * *​

Someone knocked on the door. “Come in,” said Mayor Arick. Danglars opened the door and strode in with his usual confident air. “Ah Danglars. How did recruiting go?”

“It went better than expected, Mr. Mayor sir,” said Danglars smiling. “I successfully recruited five.”

“Very nice, very nice,” said Arick, a smile spreading across his slender face. “How did Edmond do?”

Danglar’s expression darkened. “He attacked Norbert with a vacuum.”

Arick almost fell out of his chair. “Edmond did that?!”

“Indeed. I still can’t believe it myself even after seeing it with my own eyes,” said Danglars with an expression of regretful horror.

Arick pushed himself away from his desk. “Where is he now?”

“Officer Jenny arrested him about a half hour ago.”

Arick walked hurriedly to the door. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this.” He opened the door and paused to look back at the young man. “Danglars, Ghost Valley looks to you to lead the squadron.”

Danglars smiled. “Of course sir. I only regret it was under such horrific, unforeseen circumstances. I swear to you, the Darkness won’t get close to Ghost Valley.”

* * * ​

The officer continued to lead him and her companion through several different hallways until the three were alone. Then she released Edmond's arm with a smirk.

“Y-you came to rescue me,” he whispered astonished.

“Of course. We still need someone to lead us to the Darkness,” said James.

“But-but Danglars is leading the squadron,” said Edmond confused.

“So? I don’t trust that guy,” said Jessie carelessly.

“Besides we kind of owe you after that meal,” said James.

Edmond just stood, unsure of what to say, smiling when the door rustled. He grew nervous; had they been discovered?

The door swung open as Meowth jumped down from the door handle with a cry of satisfaction. "Come on guys, this way," he said. A blur of brown, red, and silver sped over him, flying directly towards Edmond.

"Quilfeather! Spindle!" Edmond cried happily. Quilfeather stopped long enough to drop the dagger she was holding in her beak then flew directly to Edmond's outstretched arm, cuddling as close to him as she could, trilling happily. Atop her back, Spindle lowered the two Poke Balls he was carrying and began nuzzling him too. "Don't worry, I'm okay. Thank you for coming," Edmond whispered to them.

“So where do we go now, Commander Boy?” asked Jessie.

Edmond glared in determination and began to walk forward with confidence. “We need to go into the very heart of the forest where not even plants dare to grow. There, we'll find the Darkness' cave and once the last bit of sunlight disappears, that is when we'll need to be ready."

* * *​

A young Rattata sniffed about, looking for it’s mother and littermates. The sun beat down mercilessly on it's back. The Rattata fanned itself with its tail as it spotted a cave. It moved towards the cave cautiously and sniffed, searching for it’s mother’s scent. Eventually the heat overcame it and it went in beneath the cool shade. Perhaps it’s family was in there too.

The Rattata sat up to groom it's whiskers when it heard a voice. The voice of a fellow Pokémon. It craned it's ears but the voice was too warbled from this distance. It moved closer, step by step. It froze when the voice spoke again, a horrid, cold sound that rasped against the Rattata’s ears.

“Oh you cursed sun. How you mock me day after day.
How your sister mocks me night after night.
I hope you’re happy.
If it weren’t for you, the world would be beautiful ash and smoke and bones right about now.
But time is ticking, the day grows shorter, the night ever closer.
Tonight the moon will be asleep.
Tonight I will be free.
Tonight I shall feast and if any shall attempt to get in my way, I shall turn them to beautiful black dust.”

The Rattata barely took two steps back when something began to pull on it. The rodent squeaked in terror as it was dragged into the cave. The last thing heard from the young Rattata was a terrible screech.

Spoiler: Author's note

As I mentioned before, I inserted a new chapter into the fic that comes after this one. However when I did so, I made the scatterbrained decision to delete the chapters that originally came after this one. As a result, the current Chapter 5 doesn't start until the second page of this thread so if you would just like to go to Chapter Five, here you go.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I didn't realise quite so many chapters had been published - but anyway, how am I going to organise this ...

The bones of the story are fine, I think. The technical issues are nothing a good proof-read wouldn't clear up - you have a habit of making silly punctuation errors that are probably typos. Some people tend to think of this as irrelevant, but having sharp technical accuracy is one of the fastest and easiest ways to improve a story. Like it or not, there are readers who will be significantly put off by small mistakes like that, so it pays to correct them. There are also some questionable word choices here and there, such as:

Kid, I am willing to atone your age if you and your friends are as skilled as you say.

I'm not quite sure why you chose "atone" there (Atone: to make amends or make up for). I think you probably were after "forgive", "ignore", or "overlook". On the other hand, I didn't notice any inappropriate said bookisms in there, so that's a tangible improvement on Chapter One.

Style
Stylistically I'm kind of in two minds. The tone reminds me a bit of the movies, which is arguably entirely appropriate given that you've outright said it's an anime-verse story. I don't feel I can really criticise a story for fitting in with the tone of the source material. That moment in the flashback where you used a lot of semi-colons was an interesting technique. I've never seen something formatted quite like that, and I have to say, it worked well. The issue I'm having is that I'm not really sure how serious the drama is supposed to be. The anime-like tone suggests that it's intended to be rather like the anime movies - dramatic in that the stakes are high but ultimately childish in that the conflict is usually down to a supervillain. But the Teen rating and the way the Darkness is brought up also suggests that it's supposed to be somewhat darker and more serious than that. So bear in mind that the following comments might not matter, depending on what you're aiming for.

The action does need some work. That business with the vacuum in Chapter Three happened so fast I literally didn't understand what was going on - it needed some more scene-setting to let the reader know who was present and more or less what they were doing, and more description of the action so we know what was going on.

Plot
I don't have a problem with the militia-like organisation of the squadrons. I don't have a problem with characters playing politics with the Darkness. I just think the whole thing needs to be ironed out a bit. See, the scene where Danglars conspires to get Edmond out the way is fine. It just doesn't have the impact it ought to because we don't know how squadron commanders are selected. Presumably they're limited to a few posts, otherwise there wouldn't be much point to Danglars conspiring to prevent Edmond from commanding. And if Edmond can possibly command, then presumably he must have something in his favour despite his autism. Like I say, the bones are fine.

I'm not sure about the prison sequence from Chapter Four. On the one hand the general lack of professionalism in the police is just the sort of thing you'd see in the anime. I mean, Edmond is arrested without charge pretty much just because someone points the finger at him, and is then thrown into a rather medieval cell. On the other hand, it comes across as rather odd, considering that Danglars later hands liability waivers to the twerps. It's like, a kid can be arrested with no paperwork of any kind accompanying it, but Danglars is concerned about being sued or worse if his volunteer squadron get hurt.

Characters
The canon characters are a bit of a mixed bag. They sort of act like they do in canon - Ash insisting on playing the hero is spot on, Team Rocket doing their disguise schtick - but they don't really sound like their canon counterparts. It's most obvious with the Rocket trio. In canon you have James (Prone to whining, usually the first to start enjoying being on the right side of the law), Jessie (Selfish with a bad temper) and Meowth (Megalomanic who thinks he's much cleverer than he really is). This doesn't really come out in the story. Team Rocket aren't especially friendly - they're rarely outright evil, but they're not quick to help anyone unless there's something in it for them.

For their dialogue I'd recommend taking your cue from the anime. Writing it so that it sounds like the character from the anime is probably going to be the quickest and most effective way of improving them as characters in your story.

Final Thoughts
I know this review has been a bit contradictory. I've tried to be as helpful as possible and avoid making blanket criticisms. A lot of this boils down to what kind of tone you want to go for. And it's worth pointing out that I don't think Serious = Good. In short, if you don't want to be serious, you don't necessarily have to write realistic custody procedures and modern cell blocks.

 

[TRNatalie]

Thank you for your review.

you have a habit of making silly punctuation errors that are probably typos.

I'll fix those and the example of improper wording you showed.

The issue I'm having is that I'm not really sure how serious the drama is supposed to be. The anime-like tone suggests that it's intended to be rather like the anime movies - dramatic in that the stakes are high but ultimately childish in that the conflict is usually down to a supervillain. But the Teen rating and the way the Darkness is brought up also suggests that it's supposed to be somewhat darker and more serious than that.

You are right. The tone is supposed to be reminiscent of movies 1 and 3, some of the darker movies of the series (i.e Mewtwo killing a lab full of scientists) When my cousin told me of this Darkness, he specifically said that it almost killed Pikachu so I knew this thing had to be intense and when I could easily find Mewtwo in the handbook and not the Darkness, young naive me came to the conclusion this thing had a worse body count than Mewtwo. Also you know how there's drinking in chapter 3? While characters have gotten drunk in the anime, I asked about that moment along with two events coming up in the next two chapters and what I have warrants a Teen rating.

On the other hand, it comes across as rather odd, considering that Danglars later hands liability waivers to the twerps. It's like, a kid can be arrested with no paperwork of any kind accompanying it, but Danglars is concerned about being sued or worse if his volunteer squadron get hurt.

You're right. I'll change that.

In canon you have James (Prone to whining, usually the first to start enjoying being on the right side of the law), Jessie (Selfish with a bad temper) and Meowth (Megalomanic who thinks he's much cleverer than he really is). This doesn't really come out in the story. Team Rocket aren't especially friendly - they're rarely outright evil, but they're not quick to help anyone unless there's something in it for them.

While everything said here is true, there are a few episodes that show a different side to some things. For example, in "Charizard's Burning Ambitions", Team Rocket decide to help Charizard because they empathize with it as they understand what it's like to be looked down upon. I tried to utilize that for when they first meet Danglars; they recognize him as a rival to Edmond that has absolutely no respect for him, something all three of them can relate to so when Danglars gets Edmond arrested and takes over what Edmond's trying to accomplish, they can't stop seeing Danglars in the same light they view their own rivals, especially when he's giving them the same condescending looks.
While Jessie is most of the time portrayed as selfish and bad tempered, there have been episodes that have showed a selfless and kindhearted side to her. One big example is in the second movie where Jessie suggests letting go of Lugia's leg in order to save the world. This is something they do with little hesitation even though if they died, there would be little if anything in it for them other than the satisfaction of being heroes. There's also a scene at the end of Movie 3 where Jessie says she's happy for the little girl the film revolves around (which becomes a lot more prominent when you know Jessie's experienced the pain of losing someone she loved). I'm trying to balance both sides of her in this story though from what you are saying I need to work on that.
There is an episode I'm referring back to as I write this called "We're no Angels" where Team Rocket help out a town in hopes to turn the town into a Team Rocket base but during the second half of the episode they begin to consider the possibility of becoming heroes. Not to mention most of the time at the presence of a serious threat (i.e their rivals, other organizations, the threat of the world), they'll fight on the good side. I am trying to do something similar in those two regards here.

As for the dialogue, I'll do as you said and watch a few episodes again.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, there! Thought I'd drop by for ya! I've appreciated the work you've put into reviews lately, and it's only fair to return the favor if I can.

“The Darkness is the living embodiment of everything wrong in the world. It is said looking at it is like looking into an abyss, cold, dark, bottomless, terrifying. It comes out every new moon to hunt. If it doesn't find enough in the forest, it's not afraid to come into the valley. If it does, it goes back to where it resides and sleeps until the next new moon.”

With that description, the "Darkness" is a very apt name for it. I'd be interested to know more about "everything wrong in the world," though. Is there a specific world event or world events that caused the Darkness to be born? What rumors and/or other stories are spread about it? That'd help bring it to life more, I think, since when it actually appears, it's mostly just an aggressive creature that comes off as more one dimensional than like its own original character.

“Of course we should! If we defeat it, Nurse Joy will love me,” said Brock.

I'd watch for consistency with your characters. It was said earlier that Brock didn't want to woo Nurse Joy, but now, he apparently does? There's clearly more important matters at hand, here, and inputting all these anime characters' quirks like this feels sort of forced.

“S-somewhere in the forest, t-there is a cave that houses a terrible creature, worse than anything in your worst nightmares (or at least I think so, I-I just met you three). I-It hunts on nights when the moon is hidden from sight, l-like tonight for instance. As you may imagine, Ghost Valley is especially vulnerable to that thing’s appetite. M-Many people shake this place off as an insignificant town of artisans and loggers but I think we’re the only reason the Darkness hasn't devoured the entire region yet.

You do a good job portraying the stammering. If you want, you could mix it up a bit and have him just repeat words as a form of stammering, like "Somewhere... somewhere in the forest, there's, you know, there's a cave that houses a terrible creature..." Both portray nervousness/anxiety pretty well, I think.

That's what I aimed to do with the vacuums; I’ll be able to steal it's attacks and use them against it so I gutted them and borrowed my friend’s Kadabra to weld steel inside. (T-that wasn’t offtopic, was it?)”

Are the parts in parentheses supposed to be thoughts or...? I wasn't sure. O:

Edmond paused hesitating. What was happening to him? Why was he placing his trust in people he’d just met? Was this normal? And why did it feel right? He chose his next words carefully, fingering his vacuum nervously.

Edmond's awkwardness is kinda cute... I think it's normal for some people, Edmond, don't worry. In general, I think you portray his autism well. It really speaks to how awful Danglers and co. is that they'd use his autism disorder as an excuse to be jealous and angry toward him, then go so far as to potentially get him killed.

In the middle of Ghost Valley, there was a town circle. On the east of this circle was a wooden stage said to have been used to warn people of the Darkness in the days before the squadrons. Nowadays it was used more for competitions.

Why does it have a different use now when the Darkness still exists?

“W-why a Pikachu?”

Edmond's asking all the right questions.

There's a fair amount of silliness in here that you know is silly (ie., the vacuum, since it's blatantly treated as a hijink in the story but is still important to the overall plot). I'd just be careful because if overdone, it can make it hard to take the story seriously. And there's still definitely some serious themes throughout this.

“That's Danglars’ Spearow. He dyed his feathers,” Edmond explained as the Spearow flew to the shoulder of a young man with royal blue hair and a white clasped jacket that demanded attention.

I'd be interested to know why he dyed his spearow's feathers, lol. That's dangerous for birds in real life but I've heard of it happening.

“Edmond, haven't we told you I was going to command. Having two people appeal will get confusing. Besides with your condition...,”Danglars interrupted.

I feel like Danglars should be able to just say things outright in his position. Edmond seems to respect him greatly and would listen to authority. Instead, Danglars seems to beat around the bush with Edmond - maybe because of his hate toward him, I suppose.

“You expect to defeat an ‘embodiment of everything wrong in the world’...with cleaning supplies,” said Brock unimpressed.

I lol'd. I mean, hey, maybe a vacuum won't be just a vacuum anymore if it saves the day.

He tore angrily at his scalp, mentally cursing his stupid condition, regretting his last stupid decision.

Honestly, I thought Edmond at first had trichotillomania, and I didn't see the autism disorder until it was officially mentioned - not because it wasn't portrayed well, but because its symptoms can overlap with other issues or just be part of someone's personality.

“I’m going to walk right out of this cell.”

“That’s it!”

Edmond walked towards the door.

“I’ll dig deeper, reach higher…”

Eclipse meowed in approval.

“Walk through fire…”

“Don’t kill yourself kid.”

I lol'd.

“So? We stayed away from this cave all throughout his command and not once have we defeated that thing.

Yeah, him ignoring Faria's wishes is not the best way to honor his memory or avenge him...

“Commander Faria would want me to,” Edmond said at last, taking off to the right.

I don't know anything specific about Commander Faria himself, and it'd be nice to know more about him as a person before he died, but you do a fairly good job utilizing his character even though he's never present. It's very obvious that he's left a lasting impression on his friends and squadrons.

“What are you talking about?” said Edmond.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! You were his favorite!”

“Commander Faria said he didn’t have favorites.”

“If you were normal, you would have noticed how obvious it was!” said Danglars, flashing back to the days before their squadron when he and Edmond were in training…

Edmond clearly missed some social cues along the way, understandably so. A really low blow for Danglars to outright mention his autism as an insult, though. (And to be clear, that's not a complaint, just an observation of his character. I don't think you're offending anyone or intending to.)

Mere inches away, it’s targets turned white with terror as the creature gave a savage roar that sounded like a thousand demons leaving hell at once.

I like the wording in this description a lot, particularly "a thousand demons leaving hell at once."

“Sandslash Dig!”

Sandslash pulled itself out of the Darkness’ leg and dug underground.

“Chikorita Vine Whip!”

Chikorita spiraled the vines towards the Darkness but Sandslash emerged in front at the last moment.

There's not an awful lot of strategy from anyone but Jessie and James; it's mostly the characters shouting attacks and you describing the action, repeat, repeat. I'd suggest varying it up a bit more!

Hope to see more of this soon! Looking forward to it.

 

[TRNatalie]

Thank you very much for your review.

Is there a specific world event or world events that caused the Darkness to be born? What rumors and/or other stories are spread about it? That'd help bring it to life more, I think, since when it actually appears, it's mostly just an aggressive creature that comes off as more one dimensional than like its own original character.

Yes. I'll add some more exposition about it to the first chapter after the awards.

Are the parts in parentheses supposed to be thoughts or...? I wasn't sure. O:

It's dialogue. I'll fix it so it's clearer.

'd watch for consistency with your characters. It was said earlier that Brock didn't want to woo Nurse Joy, but now, he apparently does? There's clearly more important matters at hand, here, and inputting all these anime characters' quirks like this feels sort of forced.

You're right. I'll fix it.

Why does it have a different use now when the Darkness still exists?

I've thought of the squadrons as a thing that have developed over time. Before they were fully instated, they had a person that would essentially act as a town crier in the earlier days of the town.

I'd be interested to know why he dyed his spearow's feathers, lol. That's dangerous for birds in real life but I've heard of it happening.

Mostly for decoration and to make it look important.

There's not an awful lot of strategy from anyone but Jessie and James; it's mostly the characters shouting attacks and you describing the action, repeat, repeat. I'd suggest varying it up a bit more!

Do you have any suggestions for how to make it more varied? I have some ideas to involve more of the thought processes behind the attacks and there's some stuff I left out of this chapter for Chapter 8 that I could try to add in but if you have any other suggestions, I'd be happy to use them.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Do you have any suggestions for how to make it more varied? I have some ideas to involve more of the thought processes behind the attacks and there's some stuff I left out of this chapter for Chapter 8 that I could try to add in but if you have any other suggestions, I'd be happy to use them.

More thought processes are good, sure! Maybe making the Pokemon have to think on their feet and strategizing on their own, maybe the Pokemon just disobeying a trainer's command for a good reason, maybe have the commands be a little more elaborate ("use vine whip to toss him into the air, then use bullet seed!") or things like that.

 

[TRNatalie]

Alright. Thank you.

 

[Persephone]

Hi. This review is gonna be a little bit critical because that's kind of how I work. I want to preface this by saying that there are good ideas in here, ones I will get to at the end, but I think you ended up writing a different fic than what this is at its core. Also, this is a lot better than my first published fic. No one starts perfect, no one ends up perfect. It's just a learning process, and it's brave of you to put things out for public scrutiny.

I want to talk about the concept first. There's a powerful, almost folkloric monster. The members of a village must struggle against it every month. It's shaping up to be gothic horror. Except then it kind of gets undermined by the town having dozen of cops able to prevent the jailbreak of one teenager (?) but not take on the omnicidal monster outside their doors. Travelers can clearly come in and out, but the government's never bothered to deal with a potentially apocalyptic threat. Furthermore, some people in a valley with average pokemon can contain the darkness, but once it leaves people like Lance couldn't?

Team Rocket feels a little bit out of character. And when they don't, like when they end up with ludicrous mechs or squabbling with Butch Cassidy, it undermines the seriousness of the mass-murder rampage occurring around them. And then the Anime Gang, Misty especially, don't ever do anything that furthers the story.

What I'm saying is, this is Edmund's story. I would take out the anime bits and set it in its own verse with its own rules, so it makes sense that there's a bigger emphasis on folklore and skepticism of technology because it's something like 18th century new england. Using electricity makes you a genius or a witch, depending on your perspective. It also fits the Gothic horror more.

Additionally, if you wrote this as Edmund's story and started a little bit earlier in the timeline, you could set up how his autism has led to his treatment and flesh out the villains more before they promptly get slaughtered after a little bit of mustache twirling. Because right now, the jail scene feels like a device at the end of the second act where the protagonist reaches their nadir and have to fix their own problem before they can help the world. But at present, almost the first time we learn about Edmund's autism is when he goes on a rant about how it's ruined his life. This would've been more impactful if we could've seen more of it beforehand, or he wasn't immediately broken out.

(By the way, why does a very small town jail keep a prisoner for literal decades and employ a dozen+ security guards in a high tech facility? Isn't this money better spent on monster hunting?)

Now, I do want to take a moment to commend your portrayal of an autistic character. I recognized some stuff (hyperfocusing on details, aversion to sound, being pretty sure you missed a social cue but unsure what it was) and thought it was good and subtle.

So, if I had to give advice on how to craft this story in a rewrite (also if you don't rewrite, things to keep in mind going forward):

-Remove the anime influences and make your own little world to go with the theme.
-Start earlier in the timeline
-Flesh out the human villains and/or the darkness
-Center Edmund more

You're a very nice person and I think you have potential. I hope you stay around.


Edit: Have to talk about the darkness, I guess.

I don't have many thoughts. It exists. It's there. It's scary. It's subject to a number of plot holes. But I thought it's one POV scene was good and I wished you'd fleshed it out more beyond general "bane to all living things doomsday monster" status. Honestly if the story alternated between Darkness backstory/POV and Edmund, I think it'd be a much nicer story.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Very belated review, deepest apologies for that. Hopefully these comments are worth the wait!

Firstly, the plot. For such a brief story with reasonably short, brief chapters, a lot happens in this world. There are at least three subplots for the core of the story – Team Rocket, Ash and friends, and the mystery around the previous commander’s death. There are some dark elements that add to the seriousness and a decent backstory that propels and informs the current events. There is also a solid build up to the climatic events, with conflicting loyalties and jailbreaks out and alliances formed.

However, things do rush by quite quickly. While the short chapters make for nice and breezy read, it would be nice if there was more time given to specific events rather than using them as a simple crux to get from one point to another. Edmond’s brief stint in jail is a good idea as a way of inspiring him, but given a break out plan is formed within seconds of him being locked out, the scene feels unnecessary and tacked on. Similarly, as Athena noted, Ash, Misty and Brock don’t really serve much role in the story and their presence really weighs things down.

One of the main plot flaws comes in the last two chapters, where all the conflicts and battles seep into one another and it is hard to know what is going on or why certain people are involved. The scene in the cave was particularly confusing for me, as the focus seemed to be jumping between characters. It would be better for such a scene like that if there was either one central narrator or the scenes in different areas were more clearly defined and separated. Alternately, cutting Ash and co. from the story would free up more room to focus on Edmond.

I also noted during my judging read through that there are a number of instances where plans and great ideas come to mind, only to be abandoned or forgotten very quickly.

One thing that I was disappointed by was the lack of description in the settings. You did make some attempts and those attempts did a good job of generating an idea of what I should be imagining, but these descriptions are brief and give way to what are meant to be the more exciting parts of the story. Given that this is your own town and forest you are describing, you should inject more of your own personality and style into it. A tree is ultimately a tree, yes, but some colours and textures and that type of thing helps it come alive.

You did do a really good job of creating an atmosphere for this world. The legend of the Darkness is indeed very pertinent to the story, and has created a fear and sensation around the small town. The way the squads and commanders are brought into the proceedings and the use of myths to build up the legend are done well and makes the world feel alive.

Onto the characters. There are a lot of them in the story, and while each one has their own quirk or habit that differentiates them, there is a slight issue around them falling into stereotypes. Few of the original characters are given more than a surface level examination, with the squad members in particular striking me as a little lacking.

Edmond is the central focus of everything, and is a pretty interesting character. There are a lot of layers to him and he is given more depth than many characters are in stories like this. While it is a bit on the nose with everyone hating him for being autistic and that being linked repeatedly to being abnormal and wrong, he is given a neat and sometimes sweet arc that hopefully will pay off by the end of the story.

It is also interesting to see Team Rocket portrayed sympathetically in a story where Ash and his friends are mostly decorations. I feel you have rather reimagined them in a more glowing manner, but there are enough jokes to keep them at their anime-y best.

As it was a separate character to judge, most of my character thoughts were devoted to The Darkness. This creature is at the heart of this story. The whole plot is built around it, and the town and characters that the canon ones meet are entirely shaped by this beast: how they react to it, how it impacts their lives. The Darkness is used to draw out their personalities, and it does show signs of greatness.

However, the fact it has such a huge role is let down by the fact it is not particularly terrifying. There is nothing in the way this creature is written that leaves me worried or fearful, and this largely comes down to the creature’s role: while it gets talked up significantly, when it finally appears, it gets lost under a very busy fight scene that jumps between moves being ordered and then unleashed.

The big reveal of the monster is meant to be a huge moment, and I was waiting to see what it would end up being. However, the physical description did not inspire me with fear. Part of that was because of the repeated use of “the next part”, the usage of which didn’t help inspire fear or awe. For the rest of the story, it is just ominous darkness with red eyes and a mouth that is apparently indestructible, but the vagueness of it and the similar odd tone simply saps away any perceived power this antagonist should have.

I am not sure how experienced you are with writing. I hope you aren’t offended that I assumed you were fairly new to this. With that in mind, I thought you did a very good job of conveying the action, the plot developments and the motivations and backstories.

However, as I noted above, the story was impaired mostly by a general sense of feeling rushed and a lack of colour. Actions were described simply and to the point without any frills, while there was little to ground things. Scenes are written to serve their purpose and for no other reason, particularly in the first two chapters when we see Ash and co arriving in town and Jessie and James meeting Edmond. A lot of exposition and scene setting, which is not inherently bad, but it’s always good to inject a little more.

I think the main area you need to work on is the battle scenes. A lot of the battle scenes in the last few chapters followed a regular pattern: an order is shouted out by the trainer, the Pokémon performs said move or action, it is either a success or a failure. And repeat. Battles should be exciting and colourful and dramatic. Admittedly, that can be hard to achieve when there are so many characters, something I have had to learn over the years.

Ultimately, this was a very solid effort that has all the bones needed to make a really good story. If the climax had been posted, it could have given things a solid wrap up, but the conclusion to the last chapter left me unsure how things are meant to be resolved, which was a small impact on my judging.

As things stand, there are some brilliant ideas in here and signs of what will be excellent writing one day, but Edmond and the ideas can’t fix the other underdeveloped characters, generic action scenes and rushed plotlines. Most of those issues, as Athena pointed out, are due to the anime influences. Cutting out Ash and them, making Edmond the focus from the start, giving the squad more screen time and personality and more to do near the end, would really add to things. Team Rocket you nearly get away with, but I think they need to add more to the plot than just helping Edmond. I like the story though and hope this review helps and doesn’t just seem horribly critical!

 

[Ghostsoul]

.

hoping it was striking

'hoping it would strike?'

but a black and red swirled vortex sucked it into the mysterious Pokémon’s mouth.

The wording of this sentence is quite odd. It's hard to tell what is being sucked by the vortex exactly and how.

Another low gurgling sound and Ash was trapped then Brock then the remaining men inside the cave.

This all happens really quickly, how did Ash get trapped, was it also instantaneously after Brock became trapped? An awful lot of things happen in this one sentence, so it's hard to keep track of what's going on.

. It was of yellow, orange, and brown colors that made it stand out among the green and black of the forests. “Ghost Valley. Visit with caution!” a sign read.

The uses of colour are good, however, I would still go into some more description of how the forest looks in comparison to the sign, and in general. The use of actually putting red bolded text in the story is something that I appreciate though, very few authors on this site seem too afraid to play with formatting even slightly.

“The Darkness is the living embodiment of everything wrong in the world.

'Everything wrong' such as what? I'm assuming concepts such as war and poverty? The Darkness is an interesting concept in terms of being the villain of the story since abstract concepts are almost never defeatable. There are many directions you can take this in, but perhaps you should also explain it more using exposition.

“Name’s Edmond.”

Something I've noticed is that this chapter has an awful lot of dialogue to the point where there wasn't much room for anything else!

I think the chapter, in general, could benefit from slowing down a bit. You should enable yourself to add more description of the characters, their environments an their situation. I think a good way to handle this would be to plan slightly more before you start writing. Write a short plan of bullet points including what you want to happen in each section of the story, this will allow you to look over each section with more care. You'll also gather a better understanding of character and location in the process. In terms of what you do have, the dialogue is fluid and fitting for the anime style and characters.

 

[TRNatalie]

@Athena, @AceTrainer14, thank you both very much for taking the time to review. They helped me a lot and I'll be making many changes that you have suggested;
-Cutting Ash and Co. out
-Focusing Edmond more
-Giving more time to the other squadron members.
-Slowing down and being more descriptive.
-Fixing the jail scene so it makes more sense and it works better.

I am hesitant to remove Team Rocket for now as they are important in the final chapter but I will remove them if you still find them unnecessary afterwards.
Speaking of which, I should probably point out their role in this story is based on a mix of two episodes in particular that had very similar plots where Team Rocket come to a small village starving and after being fed end up helping on the protagonists side of the conflict (like these although bear in mind the two writers portray the TRio, Jessie in particular, very differently) and a bit of how they were portrayed in episodes like these (where they feel for the protagonist's turmoils as they are similar to their own and help them out) but I will definitely make them less glowing as you said and flesh their motivations out so their stance makes more sense.

I think the main area you need to work on is the battle scenes. A lot of the battle scenes in the last few chapters followed a regular pattern: an order is shouted out by the trainer, the Pokémon performs said move or action, it is either a success or a failure. And repeat. Battles should be exciting and colourful and dramatic. Admittedly, that can be hard to achieve when there are so many characters, something I have had to learn over the years.

I know battle scenes are definitely something I need to work on. These are some of the better battles I've written and Chapter 7 is the biggest battle I've had to write.
I think I'll delete Chapters 5-7 for now so so I can add an additional chapter between chapter 4 and the original chapter 5 that will not only allow me to give time to flesh out the characters more but it will allow me to develop the battles.
@Ghostsoul, thank you very much. I will be fixing the things you have pointed out as I rewrite.

I think a good way to handle this would be to plan slightly more before you start writing. Write a short plan of bullet points including what you want to happen in each section of the story, this will allow you to look over each section with more care. You'll also gather a better understanding of character and location in the process.

Alright.
Once again, thanks!