TEEN: Less Is More [Doki Doki Literature Club, One-shot]

[Juliko]

A/N: So...I played Doki Doki Literature Club and liked it, and then I wrote this. It was originally for another forum's writing challenge of the month, and the theme was to write either a story all in dialogue or none at all. I chose the latter, and this one shot was the result. Hope you like it!

***

The melody of a pen tapping against the fringes of a paper in a spiral notebook rang through Natsuki’s ears. It was the only sound she heard, other than her own grumbling and the sound of her feet flopping against her bed sheets. Only white paper sat before her, and no words came to her mind. She had decided to try something new, write a new kind of poem, rather than her cutesy, minimalist poems that she often wrote for the literature club. She had decided to write something new, but no ideas came to mind. Natsuki ran a hand through her pink hair, bright and fluffy like cotton candy. She knew trying something new wasn’t easy--lots of people had trouble with it--but she mentally scolded herself for being naive and thinking she could churn something out.

With a grumble, she slammed the notebook closed and buried her face in her comforter. It had been at least an hour since she began working on her new poem, but she hadn’t written a single thing, much less anything she could bring herself to be proud of. Papers rolled into cursory balls were scattered across the floor, with black scribbles being their only content. Natsuki let her face sink into the comforter, and darkness embraced her. Soft, soothing, comforting darkness that embraced her with the warmth of a gentle hug. Not like the cold, unfeeling, frightening darkness that she sometimes saw some days. The darkness that would come when her stomach would growl, begging for food that she would never have access to. The darkness of the purple bruises that marked her arms and legs, leaving the skin tender and sensitive.

Today was dim, and she could only look down.

Natsuki perked up. There was something she could write, and it sounded good! With that in mind, Natsuki flipped her notebook open and scribbled it down before the sentence could leave her head. Now it was written down, and she wouldn’t forget it. A smile spread across her face. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Still, she knew there had to be more. In contrast to that sentence, the weather outside was pristine and pleasant, bright with sunshine and a blue sky that seemed almost blinding. She was sure tomorrow would be brighter, especially if the literature club had her around.

Tomorrow would be brighter, especially with her around.

Another good line she could use. Natsuki wrote it down, just a few lines above the sentence she wrote just seconds ago. That would be the beginning. Soon, ideas were pouring into her head. This poem could be something nice and uplifting, in contrast to some of the negative stuff she had been writing lately. Suddenly, an image flashed through her mind. A plain-looking young man her own age, with brown hair and matching eyes, as normal and plain as can be. One of her friends in the literature club. Natsuki put the end of her pen on her chin, losing herself in her thoughts.

Come to think of it, it was because of him that Natsuki had been much happier lately. Sure, she knew sometimes her abrasive, cranky nature could put people off, and it definitely cost her some friends. She never knew who to trust with her whole heart, and anyone she would interact with were sure to reject her true feelings and her wish to be herself around them. Whether it was her love for manga, especially Parfait Girls, a cutesy magical girl manga that was far outside her demographic, or her blunt honesty and aversion to sugar coating the truth...the rejection would always hurt, like a knife stabbing her in the heart.

When she wanted to say something, she wanted to shout, but her truest feelings could never come out. But her words would be less empty because he would listen to her.

Natsuki’s hand moved on its own, the pen writing, creating ink that made words, lots of them, whole sentences and stanzas that actually looked like something substantial. Before long, her hand wouldn’t stop writing, even as her wrist throbbed from writing for so long. Words overflowed in her mind, and the hand holding the pen made them all come right out.

Her pen always put her to the test. She knew she wasn’t a good writer--not like Haruki Murakami, Ryunosuke Akutagawa, or any of those famous writers--but her best was her best. Gradually, her poems became a little bit dearer because he thought of her.

For once in a very long while, Natsuki actually believed in herself. She believed that maybe she could write something genuinely good. Not great or prize-winning material or anything like that, but something she would be proud of...something he would like, too. There were times when she did believe in herself with all her heart, but so many times, the belief was always torn apart, piece by piece. So-called friends chastising her for liking manga. Her father scolding her for not being more grown up. The weekly blows and hits she had to endure, making her feel smaller and smaller. But her faith would be a little bit stronger because her friend trusted her.

He sat with her during the meetings at the literature club, and just from that, she would feel herself growing a little taller, not physically, but inside her heart. When something was above her, she reached for the stars, but often times she felt small, just like her short stature, and couldn’t get very far. Finally, Natsuki’s writing hand came to a stop, resting from so much writing. Her newest poem was done! Natsuki’s smile stretched all the way across her face, cutting through her cheeks. This was a poem she knew she was proud of. Just looking at it made her feel like she made something truly good in her eyes. Short but sweet. Her favorite saying was less is more. Yes, less could be more.

The paper on which she wrote wound up having lots of creases and bends from her writing so much on it. The side of her hand even had a trail of smudged black ink going across it. Natsuki didn’t mind. She figured she could just spit on it and rub her other hand across it to get it off, or if not that, she could wash her hands at school the next day. Still, her poem was done. Natsuki glanced at the clock on her wall. It read 6:30 PM. Had she really been at it for almost two hours now? She looked down at her poem, liking what she saw. At least it was time well used.

Natsuki’s stomach let out a roar, begging for something, anything, to eat. She sighed. She hoped today there would be something in that decrepit refrigerator, or maybe there was the rare chance that her father would actually order or make something for once. But she knew she couldn’t get her hopes up. Just as she walked out of her room, a potential title for her poem popped up in her head like a jack-in-a-box.

Because You.

Because you, because you, because you…

A smile returned. Short and sweet. Less is more. Natsuki smiled to herself. That title was absolutely perfect. Suddenly, the lingering hunger didn’t seem so bad.

***

A/N: Just so everyone knows, the “he” whom Natsuki is referring to is the protagonist of Doki Doki Literature Club. The guy who you can basically name whatever you want.

 

[diamondpearl876]

So, I haven’t played Doki Doki Literature Club, but I’ve heard about it. You pack a ton of emotion and character info into this short little piece, and it works well. You didn’t spend too little or too much time on any one thing, and I got a good grasp on Natsuki’s character already. Less so on the boy, but the focus was more on what effect on Natsuki, so it’s fine. There was enough for me to envision why Natsuki likes such a person so much she’d end up writing a poem relating to him. Also wasn’t sure what to think of the descriptions of the writing process at first, but it flowed well and it didn’t overshadow Natsuki’s characterization/emotions. Overall, nice work!

 

[Ghostsoul]

Hi! I haven't managed to play Doki-Doki literature club (I know of it, however). But I'll give this piece a read, I'm rather curious!

The melody of a pen tapping against the fringes of a paper in a spiral notebook rang through Natsuki’s ears. It was the only sound she heard, other than her own grumbling and the sound of her feet flopping against her bed sheets.

This feels like a lot of information in the first two paragraphs, perhaps try and cut it down a bit? (It's some good description though.)

With a grumble, she slammed the notebook closed and buried her face in her comforter. It had been at least an hour since she began working on her new poem, but she hadn’t written a single thing, much less anything she could bring herself to be proud of. Papers rolled into cursory balls were scattered across the floor, with black scribbles being their only content. Natsuki let her face sink into the comforter, and darkness embraced her. Soft, soothing, comforting darkness that embraced her with the warmth of a gentle hug.

I feel as if the way you set this up introduces the character well, even in such a short piece, character voice is strong.

A plain-looking young man her own age, with brown hair and matching eyes, as normal and plain as can be. One of her friends in the literature club. Natsuki put the end of her pen on her chin, losing herself in her thoughts.

Is this a character representative of the 'player' in said game? I'm probably wrong but might as well speculate.

especially Parfait Girls, a cutesy magical girl manga that was far outside her demographic, or her blunt honesty and aversion to sugar coating the truth...the rejection would always hurt, like a knife stabbing her in the heart.

Pop culture references normally annoy me a bit, but here it's very well executed and helps expand the character and the scene both at once. The metaphor you used here works as well and highlights the characters personality.

Her pen always put her to the test. She knew she wasn’t a good writer--not like Haruki Murakami, Ryunosuke Akutagawa, or any of those famous writers--but her best was her best.

All the names here also have a good effect, it makes the work feel more genuine and proves that you've done a bit of research.

For once in a very long while, Natsuki actually believed in herself. She believed that maybe she could write something genuinely good. Not great or prize-winning material or anything like that, but something she would be proud of...something he would like, too.

Considering how dark the game is, it's nice to see the fic take an almost completely fluffy route. It's nice to see.

Because You.

Because you, because you, because you…

A smile returned. Short and sweet. Less is more. Natsuki smiled to herself. That title was absolutely perfect. Suddenly, the lingering hunger didn’t seem so bad.

I was expecting a really dark plot twist and I'm thankful that it never came. Although devotion is played with as 'freaky' or 'haunting' during in the original games. You managed to keep it genuine but perhaps allude to a hint of obsession.

This was a short which is well written with a good character focus. Although not much happens, the description of the room and sense of character voice was strong and felt realistic. It paints an image of the character of Natsuki in a three-dimensional way through both her internal feelings and how you describe her traits and surroundings. A good piece overall!

 

[Juliko]

Thanks! I'm glad you like it! For clarification: there's a CG cutscene where the player character is shown from behind, and he does have brown hair, and Parfait Girls, which is a manga in the game's universe, is actually mentioned by name in the game itself, so it's not a completely out-of-place pop culture reference.

 

[kintsugi]

hi there! posting my awards review!

a background preface -- I have no familiarity with this fandom. Sucks coming from your judge, I know. I read the wikipedia article on DDLC to try to catch up, but realistically I went in pretty blind. Luckily, I ended up being equally blind to every fic in this category, so... perfectly balanced, I guess. All this to say that I tried to read this knowing that it was for a fandom that probably has a vast history/understanding that I'm completely unaware of, and I was generous with how worldbuilding and stuff got distributed because it's not your fault that I'm trying to read fanfiction for something I've never seen.

plot

The plot wasn't the main focus here, and I'm glad that you owned that. There’s no feeling that you’re trying to make this story seem bigger or more epic than it needed to be; this is a quick one-shot about a girl writing a story and being happy about it.

As far as metafic goes (fic about writing fic), I think this worked. There’s a dangerous line being tread when you start writing a story about a character writing a good story, because I think it inherently draws attention to the quality of the story that you’re writing as well as the story that Natsuki’s writing—in a typical story about overcoming writer’s block, the lines that Natsuki writes that you tell us are good have to be good, for example.

But you took a slightly different route in having this be about Natsuki writing a story and having it validate her self worth, so the burden of having those lines be good pretty much goes away. It doesn’t matter that the lines she’s writing aren’t groundbreaking fiction because that’s not the point; the point is that by the end of it she’s a little less cold and alone. I think. That’s how I read it, and I thought that was a really creative divergence from most stories like this.

setting

It’s understated. She’s in her room. Honestly, I’m glad that you didn’t waste time describing her room because the real setting is in her headspace, and spending more time there gave the story more focus. This section is here because I had a consistent outline for awards templates + I like the decision not to emphasize the setting, ironically.

characters

This is where I tried to take the most liberties with my lack of DDLC understanding. You have that paragraph in the middle where Natsuki basically spells out her personality, and while that was incredibly useful for fandom-blind me, I can’t help but wish that you’d integrated it a bit more into the story. As mentioned above, there’s not really a plot or setting in the traditional sense; the plot is Natsuki coming to terms with herself, and the setting is pretty much inside of her thoughts. Fleshing out her character in a more organic way would’ve helped establish that a little more clearly.

style

Your prose is really solid! The copyediting is good; there’s no grammar errors (that I could find lol rip), and the flow is pretty smooth. There’s a neat light/dark|hot/cold motif that I thought worked pretty well.

Minor nitpick on descriptors: I do think there were a few places where your “[blank] like a [blank] metaphors felt a little forced—normally, I’d think nothing of it, but in a fic of this length, there were so many of these lined up that they started losing weight.

pink hair, bright and fluffy like cotton candy

like a knife stabbing her in the heart

like a jack-in-a-box

For instance, the jack-in-a-box one is actually really cool and original! I’ve never heard of anyone describing an idea coming to them like that, but it captures the explosive nature of the ideation in an interesting way. But by this point, I think the “blank like a blank” structure wasn’t as surprising, so it became more pretty prose and less helping me repicture this event in a new way.

All that being said, you’ve got a really, really strong grasp on visual descriptors. That line about her smile “cutting through her cheeks” was really fun + I still remember it even though I first read this fic like a month ago. Given the lack of plot/earthshattering character arcs here, the prose had to carry the story, and for the most part I think it did! I’d encourage you to take more risks away from the “pain hurt like a knife stabbing in the heart” and more into the “her pen always put her to the test” territory. The first phrase gets the job done, sure, but the second one is really interesting and original—gives you more for less, to steal from your title.

overall

I liked this a lot! Fandom blindness and all. I like how you tied up all the threads and wrote a simple, self-contained story; it made for a really enjoyable read!

 

[Juliko]

For instance, the jack-in-a-box one is actually really cool and original! I’ve never heard of anyone describing an idea coming to them like that, but it captures the explosive nature of the ideation in an interesting way. But by this point, I think the “blank like a blank” structure wasn’t as surprising, so it became more pretty prose and less helping me repicture this event in a new way.

Yeah. I admit, I'm not very good at showing, and I think using so many X like an X things are probably my attempt at showing rather than telling...and I'm probably STILL failing at rectifying my "show don't tell" problem.

I’d encourage you to take more risks away from the “pain hurt like a knife stabbing in the heart” and more into the “her pen always put her to the test” territory.

Do you have any examples of this kind of thing that I can follow? That does sound like a good idea, and I want to really improve my writing the best that I can.

This is where I tried to take the most liberties with my lack of DDLC understanding. You have that paragraph in the middle where Natsuki basically spells out her personality, and while that was incredibly useful for fandom-blind me, I can’t help but wish that you’d integrated it a bit more into the story. As mentioned above, there’s not really a plot or setting in the traditional sense; the plot is Natsuki coming to terms with herself, and the setting is pretty much inside of her thoughts. Fleshing out her character in a more organic way would’ve helped establish that a little more clearly.

You're probably right on that one. I actually have been receiving lessons from some of my friends on how to do that, so your criticisms are indeed valid.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked my oneshot! Like I said before, I originally wrote this for a contest on another forum, and the contest was to write a story that either consisted of all dialogue, or no dialogue at all, and I went with the latter, which might be why some of my more...glaring writing flaws are present. Also, definitely play Doki Doki Literature Club if you have time. It's a relatively good, short visual novel that looks simple on the surface (The setting is barely explored, and justifiably so) but later on gets deeper and more complex.

 

[kintsugi]

Do you have any examples of this kind of thing that I can follow? That does sound like a good idea, and I want to really improve my writing the best that I can.

Yeah! Sorry if it was kind of vague the first time. So I really liked some of the less conventional descriptions that you were used, like

creating ink that made words, lots of them, whole sentences and stanzas that actually looked like something substantial

her pen always put her to the test

melody of a pen tapping

These are neat to me because they aren't the conventional ways that these words are used -- pens aren't for testing or making melodies; stanzas aren't substance, but at the same time, they really capture the point that you're trying to describe in a more specific way than a general phrasing might.

On the flip side:

weather outside was pristine and pleasant, bright with sunshine and a blue sky that seemed almost blinding

darkness embraced her. Soft, soothing, comforting darkness that embraced her

plain as can be

losing herself in her thoughts

and the above knife-stabbing-in-the-heart one -- it should be noticed that there's nothing explicitly wrong with these descriptions + it's a stylistic choice that you're totally allowed to make, haha. These are just phrases that I tend to hear a lot -- pristine weather is always bright sunshine and blue sky; darkness embraces people; lost in thoughts; etc. These phrases appear so often in writing that they don't really add much to the story any more. Like, with the pain example:

rejection would always hurt, like a knife stabbing her in the heart

Knives in hearts are a common image in writing. Using it here doesn't really change the meaning much -- the common useage of getting stabbed in the heart is that it hurts, and you've already told us that rejection hurts, so drawing a link between them doesn't add much. It's kind of the micro version of using character tropes. There's nothing explicitly wrong, and sometimes you can do really good things with them, but you have to be careful because at some point people already start expecting the punchline.

I do think that your prose is really good overall! Just teensy nitpicks here.

Like I said before, I originally wrote this for a contest on another forum, and the contest was to write a story that either consisted of all dialogue, or no dialogue at all, and I went with the latter, which might be why some of my more...glaring writing flaws are present.

hot damn, I think I saw this on the WA competition and was too afraid to tackle it. I think this was a really solid attempt; the lack of dialogue didn't really stick out to me!

Also, definitely play Doki Doki Literature Club if you have time. It's a relatively good, short visual novel that looks simple on the surface (The setting is barely explored, and justifiably so) but later on gets deeper and more complex.

is it on steam?

 

[Juliko]

Yes, DDLC is on Steam, and it's free!

 

[PeaceSign]

hello (= lovely piece you have here!

Short and sweet! We enter some challenging terrain at this moment: "The darkness of the purple bruises that marked her arms and legs, leaving the skin tender and sensitive." I was wondering if that would ever be expounded upon as the fic unfolded, but even if it didn't, what we have here was a charming and immersive doorway into someone's burgeoning self confidence. It's really easy for the audience to pick up on Natsuki's self-tormenting during her writing session, and the details of time that you provided really help the reader too feel her feeling that writer's block goes on forever. But of course, we have the beautiful turning of tide when she realizes that she's been entrusted with a friend's belief. And it makes all the difference in the world!

If I have anything helpful to offer - sometimes, as writers we end up repeating ourselves. We may not even realize it! And while it's not actually a grammatical error or typo, taking out repeated / redundant phrases only refines your writing! Here are the repeated phrases I found, separated by a // :

Natsuki flipped her notebook open and scribbled it down before the sentence could leave her head. // Now it was written down....

She was sure tomorrow would be brighter, especially if the literature club had her around... // especially with her around.

A plain-looking young man // her own age, with brown hair and matching eyes, // as normal and plain as can be.

Also, I end by saying that I really enjoyed your descriptions! The line: "Soft, soothing, comforting darkness that embraced her with the warmth of a gentle hug" really swathes the reader in all the right ways! <3 This was a delight to read! Thanks for sharing!

 

[Juliko]

I see. Thank you for pointing those out to me. I'll try to rectify this for future stories. Even so, I'm glad you liked my fic!