TEEN: Lone Star Shine Down

[Daren]

Not sure if you mean Jr. Trainer as in just a Gym Trainer or the old trainer class, but Alfred is actually based on the Ruin Maniac class.

Ah, pardon me; my brother and I always use "Jr Trainer" as a stand-in for all the non-boss trainers you find on routes, in Gyms, and so on, and it accidentally slipped out into the post.

 

[Dorothy]

Ah, pardon me; my brother and I always use "Jr Trainer" as a stand-in for all the non-boss trainers you find on routes, in Gyms, and so on, and it accidentally slipped out into the post.

Understandable. Just tripped me up since that's what Campers and Picnickers used to be called.

 

[Unforgettable_Flygon]

I'm glad to review the

Chapter 1

Nicolasa Huerta tossed the well-worn travel brochure over her shoulder, blowing her raven hair out of her eyes as she leaned forward and drummed her fingers on her desk, staring desperately at the digital clock which sat, askew, on the desktop. Slowly, agonizingly slowly, the seconds and minutes ticked away until the moment she would turn 16

I’m glad to see older characters become Trainers. It’s because I really doubt a ten-year-old would have the skills to survive in the wilderness alone

There was no legal reason she couldn’t have set out on her own before now, of course - like most regions, Estrejas permitted participation in its Pokémon League from as young an age as 10 - but Nico’s mother had forbidden it until she turned 16 years. Most likely that was as long as Nico’s mother felt she could keep Nico home until the eager, adventurous young girl finally chafed under the pressure.

Huh... I guess it’s a case of holding back because the mother thinks 10 is too young? In any case I agree.

A small, sleepy hamlet on the far western edge of the Estrejas region, Crossroads Town represented the edge of civilization, the outer limits of human settlement for miles in any direction. The streets, such as they were, were dusty and unpaved, and there was not so much as a Pokémon Center to service its - primarily elderly retiree - residents.

For the other things in the chapter: you included the starting town well. I have little experience with the games and would struggle detailing the scenery a bit.

Finally, the most miraculous sound graced Nico’s ears: the high-pitched buzzing of the clock, signaling the time - 11:23 AM. 16 years ago at precisely this moment, Nicolasa Huerta had been born. At long last, her restrictions were lifted. She was free.

A grin broke out across Nico’s face as she clumsily jumped out of her chair, knocking it over in the process. She made no effort to pick it up as she grabbed her bag, already fully-packed, and slung it over her shoulder, sprinting towards the door, towards freedom, towards-

Towards her mother.

So, you’ve managed to do a good unexpected event there, setting up expectations and then cutting to what really happened.

That third Poké Ball was clutched in the hand of a young man around Nico’s age, dressed in black pants and a fringed black suede shirt, all of which served to accentuate his jet-black hair and the dark circles which ringed under his tired, wild eyes. The boy was halfway out the shattered window with Poké Ball in hand when he noticed that he had been caught in his theft. With a scowl, he completed his exit with a roll out of the window, and proceeded to sprint away, making a break for Route 1.

Ohh, the rival battle – and it seems like we’re doing the Gold/Silver rival who’s stealing (and a jerk) – I can’t comment much on the battle though, not well versed with that. Overall, a good chapter. You left the MC losing and being vunerable in a world of magic monsters, which I like.

I’ll leave general impressions reviews for the next 4 chapters:

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Chapter 2:
So we see Nico being one with self-esteem issues after one loss. I see; must be hard doing something for the first time and failing. Hopefully she’ll get better with practise.... but this jumps out....

Nico hesitated, desperately trying to corral her thoughts and memories before speaking. “At first, I… I didn’t know what I was doing at all. Then… something happened. It was like my mind cleared… and I knew instinctively what moves to use, what strategy to pursue… it was like me and my Pokémon were acting as one. And then I made a bad call, and it was like I was right back where I started again. Just confused and unsure what to do.”

I see our heroine has a natural talent with Pokemon. Though I think that a pep-talk easily cheers her up to be a bit... odd. Maybe it’s just my cynical self speaking but if I was in that situation it’d be hard to get me to cheer up, heh. And it’s a little cliche 9I don't know how else to describe it?) IMO.

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Chapter 3:

Jocelyn Goldspur gazed out the window, looking past her faint reflection at the people coming and going, the bustle of the streets of Freelands Town. From her fifth-floor window of her fifth-floor bedroom of her five-floor family manor, the people walking by seemed small and insignificant, and certainly her family thought them so, but right now Jocelyn would have given anything to join them.

So we get another character – Jocelyn. It then talks about her blow-up and family issues, which seems like an easy way to make conflict in any story – and we also get some idea of her maverick nature. She also seems like a person who’s careful and a long-term planner. I’m curious about her role in the story.

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Chapter 4:

I’m no music buff so I’ll skip that. The conversation with the bartender was easy to read and gave details about his path – always a good sign.

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Chapter 5:

OK. I’m having a hard time keeping up with characters. So I’ll just do the prose on this thing.

You did make Jocelyn and Nico the “Player Trainer/Friend Trainer archetype. Can’t comment on Pokemon battles since I have only played a small amount of the games.

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Overall: This story is good. Since I've played only a small amount of the games much of it is lost on me. But I do have hope for this story's potential. Keep it up!

 

[Dorothy]

Sorry for the long hiatus, work's been a nightmare. Hoping to start writing again next week due to the long weekend.

 

[Unforgettable_Flygon]

Sorry for the long hiatus, work's been a nightmare. Hoping to start writing again next week due to the long weekend.

That's fine; I've been busy with studying. Hopefully I can get Chapter 3 out and ready sometime.

 

[Dorothy]

Howdy y'all, thought I'd give an update on where things are with Lone Star Shine Down. Initially, I placed the story on hold to deal with a large workload at my job, but eventually I decided that since I was at a decent stopping place, I'd put the story on hiatus for a few months to allow Scarlet and Violet to come out and in so doing allow me to finalize the Estrejan Pokedex, since there are several slots I've reserved for Generation IX Pokemon and the first of those would be coming up relatively soon.

Think of it as a post-season hiatus. The story will be back after either Scarlet and Violet release or the full Pokedex leaks (probably the latter). Once it does I hope to put out a chapter every 1-2 weeks, as before.

In the meantime, I have this for y'all! I wanted to wait to make this post until I had something of substance to include. It's everyone's favorite former Team Outlaw member, Ferdinand Mensch!

 

[Dorothy]

Hey folks, still waiting on that Dex drop. In the meantime, check out Desi! Can you guess who I had him visually modeled after?

 

[Dorothy]

Lastly for now, it's the Champion, Johnson!

Hope y'all enjoyed these interludes. I'll catch y'all back here in a month or two, when Lone Star Shine Down resumes!