TEEN: Love and Other Nightmares

[Flaze]

DAMN IT DP WHEN ARE WE LEAVING SANDGEM

Okay, I'm just kidding, while it's true that Annie still hasn't left, she's at least close to it and this chapter was actually really fun. I think I've said it ebfore, but what i like most about this remake is how you're able to get into Annie's head. She's kind of your typical sarcastic protagonist at some points, but it's a lot more interesting.

The thing that surprised me most here was Kephi's introduction. While Annie catching Kephie in the wild made for an interesting encounter, it kind of felt like a rehash of Sai meeting Senori and it was also really concidental.

Kephi being rescued by Rowan and meeting Annie in the lab not just makes a lot more sense, but the fact that Annie originally got him so he could also help her recover...is kind of ironic considering what they'll be going through.

I also continue to enjoy the way Pokemon and humans interact with one another, especially with them working as rehab Pokemon.

What worries me is that it seems like Gregory is a little too relaxed about everything Annie asked him, it seems like there's something he's not in agreement with but won't say it.

Anyways, I wanna see how Kephi and Annie will interact now, especially since they'll be staying with her family for a little while. I do hope they leave the town at some point though

 

[diamondpearl876]

DAMN IT DP WHEN ARE WE LEAVING SANDGEM

I have her out early next chapter. Promise!

Okay, I'm just kidding, while it's true that Annie still hasn't left, she's at least close to it and this chapter was actually really fun. I think I've said it ebfore, but what i like most about this remake is how you're able to get into Annie's head. She's kind of your typical sarcastic protagonist at some points, but it's a lot more interesting.

Ohhh, "fun" is more what I like to hear. I realize her character can become extremely boring/depressing after a while, so I try to add her wit and sarcasm to balance it out. Glad to hear that seems to be working a bit more now.

The thing that surprised me most here was Kephi's introduction. While Annie catching Kephie in the wild made for an interesting encounter, it kind of felt like a rehash of Sai meeting Senori and it was also really concidental.

Kephi being rescued by Rowan and meeting Annie in the lab not just makes a lot more sense, but the fact that Annie originally got him so he could also help her recover...is kind of ironic considering what they'll be going through.

Too bad Kephi and Annie have no idea what they'll be going through, huh? Don't tell them. But! I did think Kephi's capture was super coincidental in the original, and I wanted to remedy that. I liked the scene itself, but... the circumstances just didn't call for her to find Kephi so easily in the original. RIP.

What worries me is that it seems like Gregory is a little too relaxed about everything Annie asked him, it seems like there's something he's not in agreement with but won't say it.

It seems worrisome, but... that's what I was trying to go for, so it seems it's working. It was supposed to be this way in the original, too, though I don't know if anyone picked up on it then. In any case, Mr. Gregory will get some more development down the road.

Thanks for reading and commenting, as always!

 

[chaos_Leader]

I've never actually read the first edition of this story, so I can come at this with a fresh set of eyes.

It feels like a twist on what I guess is a stereotypical journey fic setup: legendary says “go forth and journey” and the protagonist does it. Not being immersed in typical Pokémon fanfiction, I can't say so from personal experience, but it feels like a defiant reaction to typical setups. Be that as it may, so far, the plot itself isn't what drives this story at the moment, not for the time being at least.

Similarly to the plot, the setting doesn't drive the issue, but at the same time I feel like it's neglected a little bit. The bulk of the narration is done through the lens of Annie, and it feels like her sense of “I don't give a hoot” is spilling into the narration, and thus how the reader sees the setting. It feels like a stylistic choice, as Annie cares less about the setting itself, and more about her own internal monologue. Regardless, it has the effect of making the setting feel hollow, empty. IE: it feels less like we're in the world of the story, and more in the world of the main character's head.

Never mind the “make characters have flaws” stale advice. Similar to Survival Project's Sai, I'm getting to feel like you have a penchant for characters that I'd call “damaged goods” or, characters that are so broken and bizarre compared to the norm that they create an interest in the reader simply by the sheer novelty of their inscrutability and unpredictability. Annie in particular I feel manifests as a breed of Byronic Hero, and her “broken nature” drive a sense of intrigue and curiosity. There aren't a whole lot of other characters or much dedicated to them, but special mention goes to the contrast taken from the cool, level-headed demeanor of Gregory. Hopefuly there'll be more development from him, potentially as a reaction to the “useless, clueless, unhelpful therapist” archetype that seems to crop up all over.

Most of the story is a kind of extensive inner-monologue focused on Annie, and that comes with benefits and challenges. I do have to bring up the opening prologue, because it feels like it presents itself as a bit of a literary roadblock. I distinctly remember feeling like it was such a chore to get through to when Annie wakes. My question is this: is all the lore backstory necessary to the initial setup of the story? More importantly, is it necessary to have it all front-loaded as the first thing the reader sees? Are there other ways the information contained in the prologue be conveyed in the story? Otherwise the story, for the mostpart, reads fairly well. Other concerns that come to mind mostly relate to setting, plot, and characters beyond Annie.

There were occasional dips and slips in technical spelling/grammar, few things I can think of to change. I would recommend giving the story a brief once-over for the occasional technical flub that cropped up, otherwise, smooth sailing.

It's a very intriguing start with a strong Byronic protagonist, but has a few things holding it back. Most notably is the opening. Like mentioned before, having all of that lore and backstory front-loaded before the story proper feels like a significant hindrance. Less of a deterrence but still concerning is some of the peripheries, like setting immersion and supporting characters. The good news is that none of the major issues I have with the story are what I would consider difficult to address, and would make the experience of Love and Other Nightmares a very intriguing read, and would serve as a strong opener.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I've never actually read the first edition of this story, so I can come at this with a fresh set of eyes.

Welcome! I always appreciate a new set of eyes. ^_^

It feels like a twist on what I guess is a stereotypical journey fic setup: legendary says “go forth and journey” and the protagonist does it. Not being immersed in typical Pokémon fanfiction, I can't say so from personal experience, but it feels like a defiant reaction to typical setups. Be that as it may, so far, the plot itself isn't what drives this story at the moment, not for the time being at least.

At first, I was hesitant about the idea for this fic because of all the cliches, so I did want to veer away from them and make this fic as original as possible. So yeah, that is my goal, though I hope it doesn't feel super forced or something.

Similarly to the plot, the setting doesn't drive the issue, but at the same time I feel like it's neglected a little bit. The bulk of the narration is done through the lens of Annie, and it feels like her sense of “I don't give a hoot” is spilling into the narration, and thus how the reader sees the setting. It feels like a stylistic choice, as Annie cares less about the setting itself, and more about her own internal monologue. Regardless, it has the effect of making the setting feel hollow, empty. IE: it feels less like we're in the world of the story, and more in the world of the main character's head.

What you say here is actually kind of the point, believe it or not, though I'd been striving for a little more of a balance. Annie has trouble understanding and accepting reality, and that should reflect in the narration and the writing style. This'll change as the story goes on, but until then, I'm going to try to work on making the setting actually seem like it matters, because, yeah, it should. Thanks for pointing it out!

Never mind the “make characters have flaws” stale advice. Similar to Survival Project's Sai, I'm getting to feel like you have a penchant for characters that I'd call “damaged goods” or, characters that are so broken and bizarre compared to the norm that they create an interest in the reader simply by the sheer novelty of their inscrutability and unpredictability. Annie in particular I feel manifests as a breed of Byronic Hero, and her “broken nature” drive a sense of intrigue and curiosity. There aren't a whole lot of other characters or much dedicated to them, but special mention goes to the contrast taken from the cool, level-headed demeanor of Gregory. Hopefuly there'll be more development from him, potentially as a reaction to the “useless, clueless, unhelpful therapist” archetype that seems to crop up all over.

I am indeed attached to writing those kinds of characters, especially as main characters. At any rate, we'll definitely get some development from Gregory, and here's to hoping you'll stick around to see it happen. ;D

Most of the story is a kind of extensive inner-monologue focused on Annie, and that comes with benefits and challenges. I do have to bring up the opening prologue, because it feels like it presents itself as a bit of a literary roadblock. I distinctly remember feeling like it was such a chore to get through to when Annie wakes. My question is this: is all the lore backstory necessary to the initial setup of the story? More importantly, is it necessary to have it all front-loaded as the first thing the reader sees? Are there other ways the information contained in the prologue be conveyed in the story? Otherwise the story, for the mostpart, reads fairly well. Other concerns that come to mind mostly relate to setting, plot, and characters beyond Annie.

I've heard a lot of complaints about that, and I do see it as a problem. I haven't quite taken the time to rework the prologue yet, however. I have a terrible habit of obsessively rewriting and not movingforward with a fic, and I'd like to focus on moving forward with this fic a bit more and thinking of a better way to fix the prologue issues in the meantime.

There were occasional dips and slips in technical spelling/grammar, few things I can think of to change. I would recommend giving the story a brief once-over for the occasional technical flub that cropped up, otherwise, smooth sailing.

Sneaky typos always sneaking past me and my beta. ;\

It's a very intriguing start with a strong Byronic protagonist, but has a few things holding it back. Most notably is the opening. Like mentioned before, having all of that lore and backstory front-loaded before the story proper feels like a significant hindrance. Less of a deterrence but still concerning is some of the peripheries, like setting immersion and supporting characters. The good news is that none of the major issues I have with the story are what I would consider difficult to address, and would make the experience of Love and Other Nightmares a very intriguing read, and would serve as a strong opener.

Thanks for the comments! Setting/worldbuilding is kind of a new thing to me (Survival Project had, like, almost none), and I definitely plan to keep working on it. Supporting characters are kind of difficult for me to portray, too... but Gregory will be my focus for a while, so I'll see how that goes.

 

[LightningTopaz]

Post awards feedback!

First, for the story:

After reading the first two chapters, I'm not entirely sure what is going on--after a kind of creation myth in the prologue, we are moved to Shinou, where our heroine is dealing with the aftermath of a stroke. I will give you props for exploring how a debilitating illness or disability would affect a Pokemon adventure, but my biggest question is how Shinou will tie back to Unova--if we even see Unova at all? There's just too little to go on to figure out what exactly is going on.

It doesn't help that the setting is mainly here to serve a backdrop--while I'm not sure where the prologue is supposed to take place, we do know we are in a hospital for the first two chapters. While Annie's "just the facts, sir/ma'am" does give us some idea of what the hospital looks like, it doesn't really immerse us as much in the real world like the prologue immersed us in its world.

I will say this, however--characterization is one of the story's biggest strengths. Annie's matter-of-fact demeanor and razor sharp wit was a sheer blast to read. In my eyes, she came off as a foil to her sister. While we don't see much banter between them, it is clear they love each other. I am curious to find out how Annie's stroke will affect her life and her journey.

After the almost dream-like prologue (which it is), Annie's dialogue and matter of factness makes the real world feel very plain. Whether it was a choice or unintended accident, I don't know. I really wanted to see the real world described as much as the prologue was--it would really help bring this world to life.

While the story has the strength of a well thought out world and interesting and complex main character, I want to know what is going on in this world, more detail into what exactly Annie needs to do, and more detail in bringing this world to life. That will truly make the story shine.

And Annie's breakdown:

Granted, the story just started, but we have the basics of a character already here--Annie has a knack for wit, and isn't afraid to tell it like it is, making her a bit of a foil to her sister Renee. If Renee is the optimist, Annie comes off to me as mainly a realist, with glimmers of optimism. But she still has plenty of room to grow, and I can't wait to see how she grows.

There many unanswered questions I want to know about Annie--what drove her to smoke (and thus, the stroke)? What led her to be the person that she is today? There's just too little to go on in this story, even though they are elaborated upon in other stories set in this world.

It's not very often that we have the main character suffer a potentially debilitating illness right off the bat, but Annie's meeting with Kyurem in the throes of a stroke is very original. Disability in the Pokeworld has never really been explored, so it would be interesting to see how the stroke will affect her as the story goes on.

I've always had a soft spot for snarky characters that quip a lot, and Annie definitely delivers here. She's not afraid to tell it like it is, but it is very clear she loves Renee, and reading her words was a sheer joy to read.

We know right off the bat that this is her story, but I'm not sure what purpose she will serve in the story. Why has Kyurem called her to go on an adventure, and not anyone else? But I'm sure those questions will be answered in due time.

To recap: While her disability and her razor sharp wit help her to stand out, there are a lot of question marks about Annie as she is now--but there is time for my questions to be answered.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Post awards feedback!

First, for the story:

After reading the first two chapters, I'm not entirely sure what is going on--after a kind of creation myth in the prologue, we are moved to Shinou, where our heroine is dealing with the aftermath of a stroke. I will give you props for exploring how a debilitating illness or disability would affect a Pokemon adventure, but my biggest question is how Shinou will tie back to Unova--if we even see Unova at all? There's just too little to go on to figure out what exactly is going on.

I actually think the opposite - that there's too much to go on to figure out what exactly is going on. Without the prologue, do you think that the story being set in Sinnoh would be a big deal? Hmm... My goal is to trim down/edit the prologue heavily (again, keeping some parts for later), but I haven't quite figured out how I want to accomplish that yet.

It doesn't help that the setting is mainly here to serve a backdrop--while I'm not sure where the prologue is supposed to take place, we do know we are in a hospital for the first two chapters. While Annie's "just the facts, sir/ma'am" does give us some idea of what the hospital looks like, it doesn't really immerse us as much in the real world like the prologue immersed us in its world.

That's intentional, though it's not a good thing that you're noticing it and pointing it out as a criticism instead of a character trait. Annie has a hard, hard time connecting with reality, hence the disconnect. I'll have to work on trying to make the narration a bit more readable, which I was wondering whether or not should be a focus, so I appreciate the feedback here.

I will say this, however--characterization is one of the story's biggest strengths. Annie's matter-of-fact demeanor and razor sharp wit was a sheer blast to read. In my eyes, she came off as a foil to her sister. While we don't see much banter between them, it is clear they love each other. I am curious to find out how Annie's stroke will affect her life and her journey.

Glad to hear it - I haven't gotten too many comments on Renee, and rightly so, since like you said, she's not appeared much. She will down the road, though! And in the next chapter.

After the almost dream-like prologue (which it is), Annie's dialogue and matter of factness makes the real world feel very plain. Whether it was a choice or unintended accident, I don't know. I really wanted to see the real world described as much as the prologue was--it would really help bring this world to life.

Oh, right, you mentioned the potential accidental nature of this here. Like I said above, it's intentional - but I'd like to find a better balance between bringing the world to life and Annie's out-of-touch feeling with reality.

There many unanswered questions I want to know about Annie--what drove her to smoke (and thus, the stroke)? What led her to be the person that she is today? There's just too little to go on in this story, even though they are elaborated upon in other stories set in this world.

True, she's been expanded on in Survival Project. I didn't quite intend to write a full-fledged fic about her back then, lol. Life's funny that way.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

 

[LightningTopaz]

@diamondpearl876

You're welcome--you have something promising, but there are some glaring flaws that made it hard to follow. But I still want to see where this goes, despite the flaws.

 

[Persephone]

Here for the review game.

Story stuff first: I really like this version of LaON. A lot. Minus the prologue, which we'll get to later. I think my criticisms of that one were almost all addressed here (rushing through family dynamics so it's unclear why Annie's just leaving, rushing through the stroke consequences (lol what consequences)), giving a reason for why Unova pokemon and why Kyurem chose her and quickly addressing how she actually plans to survive. Point is, almost all of my criticism from the past felt well addressed here and this is one of the few cases where a reboot really, really upped the quality of the work. So good decision and good job.

I also love this version of Annie. She's dry, worn out and overall done with your bullshit. And we get that very clearly from the first time we meet her. The general reason for why she's fucked up also appears well thought out here, even if The Big Trauma is hidden for now. And her dissociation comes through more clearly through the first person narrative (always drifting through the present without much contextualization of it) and frequent asides where she thinks about being a Dragonite, lies, not existing, cold, etc.: anything that isn't her. And seeing a character with a kind of gross habit (especially with the bit about passive suicide - been there a lot with my ED) is always nice, since it's a little thing that makes her stand out.

The only real character question is the one that constantly bothers me on journey fics and one I am guilty of, too: What about her friends? Or literally anyone she knows outside her family? This sort of makes sense here since she lives with her parents and isn't a terribly social person, but if you just took a bit to address this it would clear up a few things.

So... the prologue. Sorry, but we have to do this:

I love experimental narration. I love anachronic things. But the prologue didn't make sense, and didn't not make sense in a way that conveys mystery and hidden subjects. This just felt like you were trying and failing to convey your impression.

And I get it: you have a lot set out for you here. Explain the universe's mythology and Kyurem's perspective quickly because we won't see much of him later on. And some bits, like how arbitrary the conditions that will determine Annie's entire life are, were good. Others... I'm going to be honest, I didn't see the point of the myths about the brothers beyond a quick explanation of why Kyurem is bitter. It just felt like something already kind of covered in BW, complete with the reminiscing about truth and ideals. And if Kyurem is a distant figure in this like he was in the last one, understanding his entire history and worldview doesn't really matter.

So if I had to make suggestions: order the past stuff and the present stuff so all the parts in the same timeline are in the same block and probably try to trim the Unovan mythology a bit if there's a chance to introduce it later or it doesn't actually matter to Annie herself.

Onto the chapter review requested:

Every night, I update my list of berries and foods that won’t spoil too quickly so I remember to pick them up on the way out of Sandgem, or in the next town if I can manage it.

Every night,

Remove one of the Every Night's, because it doesn't seem like important repetition so much as jarring repetition

“…Twenty-one?”

Other parts in the story state that she's 20 and 22. It's a bit odd given how close together those are.

“Actually, water- and fire-types aren’t good for therapy, per se, but for a new trainer…”

“Yeah, fresh water and easy made fires sound, uh, nice.”

Combine with "grass-types don't need food" and this is a really solid argument as to why FGW are the core starters in every gen without actually making that explicit.

And come on you introduce the cuddle bug and don't let him speak at all? What's the fun in that? I get that it's probs supposed to be a plot twist that Annie can understand pokemon, but still. Felt a little bit wasted, especially since the chapter itself felt far shorter than the others. Whether or not it is in words, it definitely felt lighter to read. And OT is MVP for letting Annie do really stupid things that are necessary for the plot.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Here for the review game.

Story stuff first: I really like this version of LaON. A lot. Minus the prologue, which we'll get to later. I think my criticisms of that one were almost all addressed here (rushing through family dynamics so it's unclear why Annie's just leaving, rushing through the stroke consequences (lol what consequences)), giving a reason for why Unova pokemon and why Kyurem chose her and quickly addressing how she actually plans to survive. Point is, almost all of my criticism from the past felt well addressed here and this is one of the few cases where a reboot really, really upped the quality of the work. So good decision and good job.

Like I said on Discord, I feel like I have done Good Things if I managed to get you on board with this rewrite. XD If I remember right, you had some pretty strong feelings on the original, and not very positive ones, so! I'd gone through every review the original had received and rewrote accordingly. There were some things from the original I plan to keep (ie., I'm pretty sure not many people cared for Kephi's swearing and I'll tone it down but it's not gonna be gone completely lmfao that's just who he is) but overall this just feels much more focused and a representation of what I want this story to be about compared to the original.

I also love this version of Annie. She's dry, worn out and overall done with your bullshit. And we get that very clearly from the first time we meet her. The general reason for why she's fucked up also appears well thought out here, even if The Big Trauma is hidden for now. And her dissociation comes through more clearly through the first person narrative (always drifting through the present without much contextualization of it) and frequent asides where she thinks about being a Dragonite, lies, not existing, cold, etc.: anything that isn't her. And seeing a character with a kind of gross habit (especially with the bit about passive suicide - been there a lot with my ED) is always nice, since it's a little thing that makes her stand out.

"overall done with your bullshit" made me lol, not gonna lie. So blunt and so accurate. The Big Trauma is indeed hidden in part because it's her POV and she actively tries not to think about it and in part because a lot of it is just repressed for her - as in, if she tried to recall the memories now, she probably wouldn't be able to recall everything or even half of it.

At first I thought you'd meant the smoking by gross habit, but passive suicidal thoughts are definitely another thing with her, yeah. That feeling when you don't wanna die, per se, but regardless, thoughts that revolve around the idea of dying manage to take over her thoughts without her wanting them to. She's not usually a good state of mind.

The only real character question is the one that constantly bothers me on journey fics and one I am guilty of, too: What about her friends? Or literally anyone she knows outside her family? This sort of makes sense here since she lives with her parents and isn't a terribly social person, but if you just took a bit to address this it would clear up a few things.

Hmm. Well, Professor Rowan is definitely one of those people and plays a role, albeit not a huge, huge one compared to, say, Gregory the OT. As for friends, she's not really been the type to be able to make them or keep them, and I agree I kind of just glossed over that for the sake of focusing on other things. This point gave me an idea for a conversation she can have with Gregory down the road, though, so thanks!

So... the prologue. Sorry, but we have to do this:

I love experimental narration. I love anachronic things. But the prologue didn't make sense, and didn't not make sense in a way that conveys mystery and hidden subjects. This just felt like you were trying and failing to convey your impression.

And I get it: you have a lot set out for you here. Explain the universe's mythology and Kyurem's perspective quickly because we won't see much of him later on. And some bits, like how arbitrary the conditions that will determine Annie's entire life are, were good. Others... I'm going to be honest, I didn't see the point of the myths about the brothers beyond a quick explanation of why Kyurem is bitter. It just felt like something already kind of covered in BW, complete with the reminiscing about truth and ideals. And if Kyurem is a distant figure in this like he was in the last one, understanding his entire history and worldview doesn't really matter.

So if I had to make suggestions: order the past stuff and the present stuff so all the parts in the same timeline are in the same block and probably try to trim the Unovan mythology a bit if there's a chance to introduce it later or it doesn't actually matter to Annie herself.

I figured the "it's too long and infodumpy" comment was coming like I'd mentioned on Discord, too, but the "not making sense" is actually a new comment to me. It's been so long since I've written this version but still every time I look at it my mind goes to a blank, but... rest assured I definitely know it has to be reworked again. ^^; Kinda glad I haven't tweaked it yet because now I know not everything really flows logically as well as I thought it did. Anyway, while Kyurem will play a bigger role than the original, that doesn't warrant everything that's in the prologue, I agree, so much will have to be cut out.

Remove one of the Every Night's, because it doesn't seem like important repetition so much as jarring repetition

Fair enough. Thanks for pointing it out!

Other parts in the story state that she's 20 and 22. It's a bit odd given how close together those are.

...My notes say 20. : ' ) I always think her and Sai from SP/PP are the same age, but they're not. Woops. Will go back and fix the inconsistencies, thanks!

Combine with "grass-types don't need food" and this is a really solid argument as to why FGW are the core starters in every gen without actually making that explicit.

Heh, that's what I was going for, so glad to see that little detail worked out.

And come on you introduce the cuddle bug and don't let him speak at all? What's the fun in that? I get that it's probs supposed to be a plot twist that Annie can understand pokemon, but still. Felt a little bit wasted, especially since the chapter itself felt far shorter than the others. Whether or not it is in words, it definitely felt lighter to read. And OT is MVP for letting Annie do really stupid things that are necessary for the plot.

Kephi says, "Fuck you, cheeky bitch. You still wanna hear me talk now?"

: ' ) As for Gregory, he's, you know, not really in the best state of mind either. He just hides it much, much better. That means he understands Annie and her decisions more than most other characters, though.

 

[diamondpearl876]

The prologue has been massively cut down on... again. The writing's the same and nothing described about the plot has changed so it's not necessary to re-read (though it is unbelievably short now if you want to). The entire thing is now only Kyurem's first person POV with much of his circular and repetitive narration 100% gone. Thanks to @Flaze for helping me pinpoint what to cut and @AetherX and @Chimerical for the final beta reads!

 

[AceTrainer14]

Here for the review game.

Not a lot I can say, really, as the answer to the question you have poised over this rewrite is, quite simply, yes. Yes, it flows a lot better than your last version. Yes, it works its way into the first chapter a lot better. Yes, it is much more enjoyable to read. What you did with the previous version was fairly spectacular an was loaded with more detail and backstory than most stories get through in their entire run, but that strength was also the prologue's biggest downfall. It was wonderful worldbuilding, but so little of it was needed and it made the prologue a slog to get through.

This version is much briefer and breezy, while still highlighting Kyruem as a character and setting things across - in fact, it has probably made the plot and what directions the story will take a lot clearer. I can't remember reading the stuff about making Annie save foreign, hurt Pokemon in the last version, but it was such a chore that I probably had lost interest by that point. Having that knowledge early on has me more intrigued for what will happen in the story, and if I had known that earlier I might have been able to handle Annie's chapters a lot better.

The one thing I must note, and you will probably hate me for this, but I felt that Kyurem was a lot less detailed and original in this. He is still pretty unique in terms of his disdain for humanity and his situation, but a lot of his colour got lost in the transition. I think, though, that a more engaging read is better than highlighting his personality at this stage, and all that other information can come into play later on. I was, however, left a little confused as to why Kyurem is so annoyed with humanity and what he specifically wants Annie to do - is she going to save him? Has he tried to get other people to save him before and they failed? I was left a little vague on those bits, but that could have been your intention.

As to the revised entrance to the rest of the story, it was a nice transition and things flowed much better. I still think Annie saying 'The Unova god of ice?' or whatever is a little on the nose, but that part flowed a lot better and I think sets things up for the rest of the story well. I do still think that the story should get into the journey part a bit earlier, but that's an issue for a later time. Good job on cutting all that exposition down!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Here for the review game.

Not a lot I can say, really, as the answer to the question you have poised over this rewrite is, quite simply, yes. Yes, it flows a lot better than your last version. Yes, it works its way into the first chapter a lot better. Yes, it is much more enjoyable to read. What you did with the previous version was fairly spectacular an was loaded with more detail and backstory than most stories get through in their entire run, but that strength was also the prologue's biggest downfall. It was wonderful worldbuilding, but so little of it was needed and it made the prologue a slog to get through.

This version is much briefer and breezy, while still highlighting Kyruem as a character and setting things across - in fact, it has probably made the plot and what directions the story will take a lot clearer. I can't remember reading the stuff about making Annie save foreign, hurt Pokemon in the last version, but it was such a chore that I probably had lost interest by that point. Having that knowledge early on has me more intrigued for what will happen in the story, and if I had known that earlier I might have been able to handle Annie's chapters a lot better.

The one thing I must note, and you will probably hate me for this, but I felt that Kyurem was a lot less detailed and original in this. He is still pretty unique in terms of his disdain for humanity and his situation, but a lot of his colour got lost in the transition. I think, though, that a more engaging read is better than highlighting his personality at this stage, and all that other information can come into play later on. I was, however, left a little confused as to why Kyurem is so annoyed with humanity and what he specifically wants Annie to do - is she going to save him? Has he tried to get other people to save him before and they failed? I was left a little vague on those bits, but that could have been your intention.

As to the revised entrance to the rest of the story, it was a nice transition and things flowed much better. I still think Annie saying 'The Unova god of ice?' or whatever is a little on the nose, but that part flowed a lot better and I think sets things up for the rest of the story well. I do still think that the story should get into the journey part a bit earlier, but that's an issue for a later time. Good job on cutting all that exposition down!

That's all right, I figured comments from either someone who read the original prologue or a new face would be fine. Yeah, considering Annie is, well, the protagonist, the parts where Kyurem talks about her were kind of important. It just took forever to get there, so if you don't remember reading about Annie or you skipped over it, I was doing something wrong for sure. I mean, none of the prologue is new writing at all. It was all in the original, minus maybe like 2 transition sentences.

I think Kyurem being less detailed and original - and having some things be vague - was a sacrifice I had to make if I wanted to cut down. The original was never meant to be as massive as it turned out, but I kept adding more and more because I felt it was all needed to fully grasp Kyurem's character and the story he's lived through. It's a common misconception that Kyurem won't be appearing again - and I mean, he won't be appearing every chapter ever like Annie, but he'll be around - so I'm simply opting to save all the details for later in favor of a cleaner introduction.

Thanks for the comments!

 

[Misfit Angel]

Hello! I'm here at the behest of the review game, but that's not the only reason! I'm also here because I wanted to give a decent birthday gift to my bestest buddy in the world~

I know the review game only really requires just one chapter, but this is short enough for me to sit through and enjoy the whole thing. So, let's start with the...

Prologue
Style
Phew! I had to read this twice, because a lot of it went over my head the first time through. I'm sure parts of it still escape me, but that's okay; I can't remember the last time I read something this... beautifully crafted and intelligent-feeling. You can definitely tell that a lot of love and attention has gone into the writing process.

Setting
With very little description about the setting, I still feel like I get a picture painted for the world as it is. I get the feeling that the world at large is cold and unforgiving, nearing the brink of ultimate ruin. The feeling that without one of these primal gods in place, it would fall apart. Maybe this isn't the imagery that you were driving at, but it's the imagery I got.

Characters
Due to the way the Sinnoh myths are set up, I often see writers who try to tackle Sinnoh just relying on the old crutch of Arceus being an all powerful god who can do no wrong and solve every problem if he so chooses. I don't see that here, though. He has created much, but he has delegated his power (in the form of Hardships, I take it) to the other gods and trusts them to use it responsibly. I don't have every answer about this "pantheon", but as it's only the prologue, I'm not expecting that. All I can say is that I do love what little is here, and I can say that this is by far the most original take on the Sinnoh myths while still leaving them relatively intact. Bravo!

I'm definitely interested in really getting into Annie's head... I have been since trying to emulate her character for my christmas crossover chapter. I really should have given this an earlier look because of that, but I digress. In any case, Annie is strongly introduce... perhaps a little strongly. Maybe it's the point of a prologue, but I felt like Kyurem laying out Annie's problems, motivations and character quirks right away might have been too much. But at the same time, I'm very intrigued by how she'll be handled, so perhaps it was just enough.

Technical
I've noticed nothing wrong. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, they all seem to be in order. I'm a little bit tired upon reading/writing for the prologue, but nothing that hides in plain sight jumped out at me.

Other thoughts
I was unfortunately able to catch the original form of the prologue, but I did notice that you said you trimmed about 1.5k words.

Well, I can ensure a safe and speedy recovery. The divine energy of ice, however illogical it might sound to you, is sufficient enough for that.

Maybe it shouldn't concern me at the moment, but it does. I do hope that you have some sort of explanation lined up for this later, as it feels a little cheap to seemingly handwave this away.

Absolute zero versus the absolute truth... Which will save me? That answer, it's all I want to know, my friend.

You and me both, Kyruem. It's almost surreal that I read this line tonight, considering my own desire for answers and the comfort they bring, regardless of outcome.

Chapter 1: Like Real People Do

Find what you love and let it kill you. — Charles Bukowski

Mr. Bukowski, you're insane. I will not be taking your advice.

First, I'll comment on Annie's monologue while she's still trapped in her coma. I honestly am blown away by the level of description and how good it is! I know you've said you're not confident in your descriptive abilities, but I think you do very well with it, better than I do, certainly.

Plot
I don't really have much to say here other than things move along quite well without stagnating or getting stuck in an awkward spot.

Characters
You also do a great job of setting up her personality without her having to say much to do it. She's smart, but she doesn't believe in herself. She's caring, but has trouble showing it. I get the feeling she's easily irritable, if her reaction to the doctor is anything to go by. All in all, from what I see already, she's an interesting mix of characteristics instead of a magnification of one; she's already been established as a good character, and it's so early!

The frayed relationship with her parents is also quite convincing. Deep down, they really all do care for each other, but they're at that point in their lives that they're starting to annoy each other as well. We've all been there, and it's refreshing to see a story bring it up so casually through its wording, and not heavy handedly like I see so often elsewhere (or not at all).

Style and Technical

Tomorrow rolls around before I know it

I'm not familiar with present tense story telling, so bear with me, but wouldn't "the next day" feel a little more natural than "tomorrow"? It feels like "tomorrow" implies future tense a little too much, but again, I'm no expert on anything but past tense.

I yell at myself for hiding for my disappointment in them.

I spotted an extra for here.

Other than that, nothing stands out for me. Another well written and well crafted chapter!

Other thoughts

To not overwork my muscles but to help rebuild their strength, he encouraged me to switch positions in bed every so often. He instructed me to stay relaxed lest my muscles tense up and make moving feel even more uncomfortable.

I'm sure you've done the research on this, as the wording you use makes you seem very knowledgable on the subject of strokes and comas and such, but don't they typically do massage therapy on coma patients to keep their muscles from degenerating? Obviously it wouldn't be as good as walking around and stuff. I'm sure it's a little detail that doesn't matter in the end, but it feels like this might not have been done for her and they're only just thinking of it.

Character responses

creating a stinging sensation in my hands as if I've just crushed a throat

Uhh Annie do we need to talk, why is this something that you know about?

Honestly, though, who thought it was okay to let ghost-types roam hospitals, where death is too commonplace as it is?

I love the way this girl thinks.

Chapter 2: Spare the Guilt
Plot
I'm quite enjoying the laid back progression that's going on. When starting off strong with the coma and therapy aspect, I'm happy that you're actually taking the time to go through the "boring" parts and not forcing Annie out onto her adventure so quickly. Other readers might think that's a mistake, but I feel it's a strength. This stuff is incredibly important to the victims of it in the real world, there's no reason time shouldn't be spent on it for Annie's sake.

Characters
I quite enjoy Annie's attitude with this new doctor. It looks like a positive outlook and it may genuinely be, considering she's learning the potentially lifelong conseuqences she'll have to deal with, but it's seasoned perfectly with sarcasm. Not enough to make her annoying or overbearing to me as a reader, but just enough to put the point across.

Her attitude with Gregory is great, as well. I always get the feeling that most doctors do genuinely care about their patients and that's why they get involved in the first place. Gregory is no different and I think she realizes that when she wants to consider him a friend more than a lab coat. But she still can't help but feel it's all fake, just like everything else she knows. It's an interesting character dynamic going for her and instantly sets her above most other characters I read.

I'm also curious of how important her hemiparesis will be. I did a bit of reading on it and it sounds like it'll be a giant stumbling block for her upcoming journey. Should be interesting to see how both you and she deals with it.

Style and Technical
Again, I'll reiterate that description is definitely strong and I'm not sure what you're worried about when you told me your concerns about your abilities. But it's still something I'd be happy to help with, if you still want advice and the like!

The button for the main floor in the elevator behaves just half the time, so I opt for the stairs.

I believe you dropped the highlighted word and I am returning it to you.

Looking at him, I hate how his face hardens into a frown. He honestly wants to hear my answer. “I’m the… or I was the… You know, the bartending job requires me to hold glass and steadily pour strong drinks to people who could get violent on me in return if I’m not careful.”
“So you’d have to use your hands a lot.”

There's a lack of a line break between these two.

Character responses

Then, when I’m finally home, the house will already be Annie-proof.

Hmm, no sharp corners, socket protectors on the electrical outlets, locks on the medicine cabinets and every single cigarette being thrown away?

For example, if I owned a chimchar, it could act as a makeshift cigarette lighter.

God damn, girl, the doctors are right, you do need to quit! You're obsessed!

Well, that’s not exactly right. I don’t crave the cigarettes themselves, per se, just the idea of using them because they can hurt me. That’s me blatantly asking to be hurt, at least. My hurt then becomes something I can control. And right now, control is something I desperately crave.

aaaaaand that explains it. I don't think it justifies it, though!

A stupid, illogical part of me almost wishes that the stroke had affected the other side of my brain. I’d be incapable of talking to people and maybe understanding them, too, but I can’t see the downside to that.

This girl is my cynicism soul mate, I swear.

Chapter 3: Playing Nice
I don't have a whoooole lot to say on this one, but I did enjoy it just as much as the previous two.

Plot
Things are definitely moving along at an appropriate pace. I enjoyed the time and focus spent on Annie's recovery in the hospital, but it's time to move on!

Characters

Kyurem really couldn’t have picked a worse person to send out into the world, but, you know, I have to try. I won’t forgive myself if I let the chance to have Kyurem heal me simply slip away.

I have to wonder if Annie's motivations are truly selfish or if she actually cares. Earlier reading tells me that everything we heard in the prologue is stuff that she's aware about, including Kyruem's fate. Is she not the slightest bit interested in helping him as well?

A thought on Gregory... I haven't met any occupational therapists or at least interacted with one in a meaningful way, but I almost feel like he's being too passive. Maybe that's in their training, I'm not sure, but if I were one I'd probably be a little concerned about a girl who's still going through rehab having this grand plan in her head. I guess the only reason I'd sign off on it, were I in his shoes, is because she does seem dedicated to both the journey ahead and going through her therapy properly, as she has. And the fact that she had a life altering experience helps; if she wants to travel, I guess I wouldn't tell her absolutely not... I just might warn her of the risks more than it feels like Gregory has. But that's just my uninformed opinion on what OTs actually do for their patients.

Venipede is definitely an interesting choice for a starter and this one fits Kyurem's requirements perfectly. I dig the unique choice.

Unless Rowan is involved in the next chapter (gonna read that now), I do feel like his presence was a bit underutilized. He's an important character within the franchise (although I guess the most forgettable of the professors, sadly), so I'm sad to see him disappear so quickly after being introduced. Who knows though, next chapter I'll see if he does.

Style and Technical
I didn't notice anything wrong here this time!

Other Thoughts

“The world record now is, what, sixteen hours? That’d be tough,”

This number seemed suspect to me, so I looked it up. The current world record here on Earth is 67 hours, set by an aircraft that went approximately 340 miles per hour with no fuel stops. That's an impressive Dragonite if it can go around the world in a quarter of that time without taking time to sleep or eat. Or the planet is just super small ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That means his lab is free from ten year olds squealing and scrambling over each other to grab the first pokéball in sight, a problem which tends to degenerate into a horror story involving fistfights and police officers way too often.

I don't know why, but the mental image of children behaving like wild animals only for riot police to get involved amuses me to no end.

Character responses

or cheating when no one’s around to see because I just don’t have the patience to put my sneakers on with a shoehorn.

I have an easier solution: velcro strap shoes, my dear.

Overall Thoughts
I love what's here so far and I'm very much looking forward to more!

The plot is an interesting twist on the usual journey aspect, being more about Annie and her motivations than the common pitfall of focusing on the journey itself. I do get the feeling that there's more to Kyurem's motivations than meets the eye, and while it's a long way away, I'm interested to see how he'll react when his champion actually arrives to help him. But until then, I'm interested to see how Annie's journey works out. She sees herself as an independent loner, but I doubt she has the strength and willpower to do it by herself. How she deals with it and who she might get involved with has me intrigued!

The setting, while sparse, gives me an idea of what the world, and more specifically Sandgem, is like without stepping all over itself with bloated background details. (cough) I have next to no experience with Unova, so how you deal with that part of the world will surely draw me back to keep reading.

The characters are great as well. Annie's definitely well established already, with her well-rounded personality and quirks. I doubt we'll see much of Gregory after Annie leaves town, but I enjoyed his presence in the story as well with his calm outlook on the situation facing his patient and his caring nature. I would like to see more out of Annie's family and no doubt I will as the next chapters come out, but her thoughts about them definitely paint them well enough to understand who they are and their motivations, so good work on that!

This is probably the first story written in first person present tense that I didn't instantly close. Something about the way it's written did it for me. Maybe it's the way Annie lays out her thoughts in a completely natural and relateable way. Either way, good job

I'll be back for chapter 4 when it's ready, and again, happy birthday! Hope you have a good one!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hello! I'm here at the behest of the review game, but that's not the only reason! I'm also here because I wanted to give a decent birthday gift to my bestest buddy in the world~

<3

Prologue

Style
Phew! I had to read this twice, because a lot of it went over my head the first time through. I'm sure parts of it still escape me, but that's okay; I can't remember the last time I read something this... beautifully crafted and intelligent-feeling. You can definitely tell that a lot of love and attention has gone into the writing process.

That's the result of three very, very heavy rewrites, my friend. That prologue has been the bane of my existence for a couple years now, so I'm glad you like the latest, finalized version. xD

Setting

With very little description about the setting, I still feel like I get a picture painted for the world as it is. I get the feeling that the world at large is cold and unforgiving, nearing the brink of ultimate ruin. The feeling that without one of these primal gods in place, it would fall apart. Maybe this isn't the imagery that you were driving at, but it's the imagery I got.

The setting's not literally in ruins, but it feels that way for Kyurem, for sure.

Characters

Due to the way the Sinnoh myths are set up, I often see writers who try to tackle Sinnoh just relying on the old crutch of Arceus being an all powerful god who can do no wrong and solve every problem if he so chooses. I don't see that here, though. He has created much, but he has delegated his power (in the form of Hardships, I take it) to the other gods and trusts them to use it responsibly. I don't have every answer about this "pantheon", but as it's only the prologue, I'm not expecting that. All I can say is that I do love what little is here, and I can say that this is by far the most original take on the Sinnoh myths while still leaving them relatively intact. Bravo!

Yeah, that's right about Hardships. I want/wanted to explore them more, but... that's how I ended up with a ~10,000 word prologue I had to cut down on, so... RIP

Glad you like it, though! The focus will be on Kyurem's interaction with Arceus, with the overall pantheon to a lesser extent, but I'm excited to explore it.

I'm definitely interested in really getting into Annie's head... I have been since trying to emulate her character for my christmas crossover chapter. I really should have given this an earlier look because of that, but I digress. In any case, Annie is strongly introduce... perhaps a little strongly. Maybe it's the point of a prologue, but I felt like Kyurem laying out Annie's problems, motivations and character quirks right away might have been too much. But at the same time, I'm very intrigued by how she'll be handled, so perhaps it was just enough.

Fair enough. My goal was to show why he picked her over others, without giving her entire character away, but I can see how it'd be too much. xD

Maybe it shouldn't concern me at the moment, but it does. I do hope that you have some sort of explanation lined up for this later, as it feels a little cheap to seemingly handwave this away.

I know what you mean. It'll be a concern Annie has herself down the line.

First, I'll comment on Annie's monologue while she's still trapped in her coma. I honestly am blown away by the level of description and how good it is! I know you've said you're not confident in your descriptive abilities, but I think you do very well with it, better than I do, certainly.

Haha, different types of description, remember

Plot

I don't really have much to say here other than things move along quite well without stagnating or getting stuck in an awkward spot.

Works for me. Pacing was a bitch in the original.

Characters

You also do a great job of setting up her personality without her having to say much to do it. She's smart, but she doesn't believe in herself. She's caring, but has trouble showing it. I get the feeling she's easily irritable, if her reaction to the doctor is anything to go by. All in all, from what I see already, she's an interesting mix of characteristics instead of a magnification of one; she's already been established as a good character, and it's so early!

The frayed relationship with her parents is also quite convincing. Deep down, they really all do care for each other, but they're at that point in their lives that they're starting to annoy each other as well. We've all been there, and it's refreshing to see a story bring it up so casually through its wording, and not heavy handedly like I see so often elsewhere (or not at all).

Glad to hear it! Annie's no doubt one of the most complex characters I've ever written. There's a contradiction at every turn with her, it seems. Hard to portray that consistently without making her seem OOC even some of the time. ^^;

I'm sure you've done the research on this, as the wording you use makes you seem very knowledgable on the subject of strokes and comas and such, but don't they typically do massage therapy on coma patients to keep their muscles from degenerating? Obviously it wouldn't be as good as walking around and stuff. I'm sure it's a little detail that doesn't matter in the end, but it feels like this might not have been done for her and they're only just thinking of it.

My understanding is that if she's incapable of moving/stretching herself, they would. But she can move enough here, and independence is always a goal of doctors as well. It is indeed a thing they do for patients still under the full effects of a coma, though.

Chapter 2: Spare the Guilt

Plot
I'm quite enjoying the laid back progression that's going on. When starting off strong with the coma and therapy aspect, I'm happy that you're actually taking the time to go through the "boring" parts and not forcing Annie out onto her adventure so quickly. Other readers might think that's a mistake, but I feel it's a strength. This stuff is incredibly important to the victims of it in the real world, there's no reason time shouldn't be spent on it for Annie's sake.

Glad to hear this. ^^; There's been mixed opinions on it, and understandably so. It'd probably not be as unbearable if I updated quicker, since it seems we've been stuck in Sandgem for two years lmao, but alas. It's all important foundation in my view, too.

Her attitude with Gregory is great, as well. I always get the feeling that most doctors do genuinely care about their patients and that's why they get involved in the first place. Gregory is no different and I think she realizes that when she wants to consider him a friend more than a lab coat. But she still can't help but feel it's all fake, just like everything else she knows. It's an interesting character dynamic going for her and instantly sets her above most other characters I read.

I've not gotten a lot of comments on these two, so thanks! I enjoy their interactions, and Annie's paranoia about him is I guess, uh, relatable, so I enjoy trying to get into her head about it.

I'm also curious of how important her hemiparesis will be. I did a bit of reading on it and it sounds like it'll be a giant stumbling block for her upcoming journey. Should be interesting to see how both you and she deals with it.

It will be for sure. ^^; It's not TOO severe, or she wouldn't be able to journey at all, but yeah.

I have to wonder if Annie's motivations are truly selfish or if she actually cares. Earlier reading tells me that everything we heard in the prologue is stuff that she's aware about, including Kyruem's fate. Is she not the slightest bit interested in helping him as well?

Hahahaha like I said in DMs, this is something that totally skipped my mind. Well, not the concept, but the act of, you know, actually putting it in fic. I'll have to remedy that soon. XD

A thought on Gregory... I haven't met any occupational therapists or at least interacted with one in a meaningful way, but I almost feel like he's being too passive. Maybe that's in their training, I'm not sure, but if I were one I'd probably be a little concerned about a girl who's still going through rehab having this grand plan in her head. I guess the only reason I'd sign off on it, were I in his shoes, is because she does seem dedicated to both the journey ahead and going through her therapy properly, as she has. And the fact that she had a life altering experience helps; if she wants to travel, I guess I wouldn't tell her absolutely not... I just might warn her of the risks more than it feels like Gregory has. But that's just my uninformed opinion on what OTs actually do for their patients.

Yeah, this is one thing I was/am worried about in regards to him. Him coming across as passive but actually being very proactive/understanding behind the facade is the goal here. ^^; He certainly knows the risks, at any rate, and is helping to put safeguards in place just in case she needs them, but he wouldn't really press the issue unless she was completely incapable of traveling.

Unless Rowan is involved in the next chapter (gonna read that now), I do feel like his presence was a bit underutilized. He's an important character within the franchise (although I guess the most forgettable of the professors, sadly), so I'm sad to see him disappear so quickly after being introduced. Who knows though, next chapter I'll see if he does.

Also mentioned in DMs he'll play a role soon-ish. I introduced him for a reason, after all. XD just might've forgotten why that was for a bit 'cause I go so long in between chapters

This number seemed suspect to me, so I looked it up. The current world record here on Earth is 67 hours, set by an aircraft that went approximately 340 miles per hour with no fuel stops. That's an impressive Dragonite if it can go around the world in a quarter of that time without taking time to sleep or eat. Or the planet is just super small ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Honestly, I made this up, lol. I don't see why a dragonite couldn't fly faster than an aircraft, though. There's certainly more wild myths and stories in the franchise, at any rate.

The plot is an interesting twist on the usual journey aspect, being more about Annie and her motivations than the common pitfall of focusing on the journey itself. I do get the feeling that there's more to Kyurem's motivations than meets the eye, and while it's a long way away, I'm interested to see how he'll react when his champion actually arrives to help him. But until then, I'm interested to see how Annie's journey works out. She sees herself as an independent loner, but I doubt she has the strength and willpower to do it by herself. How she deals with it and who she might get involved with has me intrigued!

The setting, while sparse, gives me an idea of what the world, and more specifically Sandgem, is like without stepping all over itself with bloated background details. (cough) I have next to no experience with Unova, so how you deal with that part of the world will surely draw me back to keep reading.

The characters are great as well. Annie's definitely well established already, with her well-rounded personality and quirks. I doubt we'll see much of Gregory after Annie leaves town, but I enjoyed his presence in the story as well with his calm outlook on the situation facing his patient and his caring nature. I would like to see more out of Annie's family and no doubt I will as the next chapters come out, but her thoughts about them definitely paint them well enough to understand who they are and their motivations, so good work on that!

This is probably the first story written in first person present tense that I didn't instantly close. Something about the way it's written did it for me. Maybe it's the way Annie lays out her thoughts in a completely natural and relateable way. Either way, good job

I'll be back for chapter 4 when it's ready, and again, happy birthday! Hope you have a good one!

Indeed, there's more to Kyurem than meets the eye. I do try to give off details about the worldbuilding/setting more so than usual, since it is a world that's hurt Kyurem so deeply, but overall, it's still a character-driven story, so those will be the focus. Glad to hear there's enough detail, at the very least. xD

Wrong about Gregory there, actually. He'll be a recurring character throughout the entire story. I have... *coughs*... plans for him.

Thanks so much for reviewing, and thanks again for the lovely birthday present! <3 I consider it a personal victory that getting through the first person present tense for me wasn't a chore, lmao.

ALSO ABOUT TO POST A REAL CHAPTER IN A MINUTE OH GOD

 

[diamondpearl876]

LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES

chapter 4
at first sight

*​

As usual, I jump the gun. I name the venipede Kephi, inspired by a word belonging to an outdated language that my history of psychology class discussed earlier this year. No precise translation of the word exists, but in short, it means happy—the kind of happy that has people acting so delirious you’d think a drowzee put them under a trance.

I thought it’d be smart to start off on an upbeat note with the venipede. But when I relay all this information to him, his first response is, “What the fuck? Sounds super girly. You got any food around here, at least?”

“Okay... Do you, uh, like spaghetti? I know how to make that, and actually, Kephi rhymes with spaghetti. If you’re ever in the middle of an existential crisis, just remember that important fact.”

He glowers at me. “Whatever,” he says, then slinks off to the kitchen by himself.

To reach the kitchen from my bedroom, you have to go down the hallway and pass the wall on the left that looks empty save for a collection of pin holes we were supposed to use to hang new family photos forever ago. I’ve relayed these directions to Kephi several times—who knew a bug could eat so much—but it seems he’s keen on tuning me out already. I see him backtrack past my door a lot. If I dare acknowledge his presence, he hisses and leaves a trail of slime behind him to spite me.

Needless to say, Kephi the venipede doesn’t live up to his name. He’s downright grumpy. With the hump on his back and the narrow slits of his eyes, he reminds me of old men who make it a point to display how bitter life is any chance they get.

Kephi also has a habit of tensing up whenever he catches me glancing his way, like he thinks I’m studying him. And maybe I am, but that’s only because Gregory mentioned rehab for both of us. Unfortunately, the OT said he won’t start us on any kind of routine until I’m on the road. I asked him if my parents refused to let him do home sessions with a poison-type parading around, but he promised that isn’t the case. There’s just not much point in forming a plan that he’ll have to change in a week’s time, so I’ll have to be patient.

I want to gauge the depth of Kephi’s problems for myself, but I give Gregory permission to take him out of the house every day during my last week at home. He offers me vague updates: Kephi’s diagnosis is confirmed, he's talking rehab procedures with doctors specialized in evaluating pokémon, and so on. I have no choice but to focus on getting ready to leave Sandgem. It’s better than fretting endlessly about a creature that’d mean nothing to me under different circumstances. A creature I wish meant nothing to me.

To accomplish what Kyurem woke me up to do, my pokémon have to care about me, too. The thought of making that a reality sounds like a bigger hurdle than it should. If that stupid Battle Nexus station my mom always listens to is anything to go by, most trainers bond with their starters effortlessly. The radio hosts interview a lot of pokémon enthusiasts, and the consensus is that you have to learn everything you can about your team to have a chance at the gym circuit. If only battles and badges were my main concerns, instead of this whole life and death situation.

I try not to look past the present moment. So in the meantime I work on the same old hemiparesis stuff and sit through my parent’s logistical lectures about money and safety. Dad lays out all the reasons they won’t contribute to my journey funds, emphasizing the recent accumulation of hospital bills. Mom goes over the technicalities of our insurance, and, ironically, advises me of places and people I should go to if I ever need help. The list doesn't include herself, Dad, or Renee.

It’s hard not to notice how careful and meticulous their movements are around me. They must have X-ray vision, because they act like a bomb’s ticking inside me and it’ll detonate at any moment. This isn’t exactly new, but it stings more than usual somehow. There are no tears, no speeches about why becoming a trainer is a bad idea, no insults about my poison-type starter. There’s nothing. What if that means they were relieved once I told them I was leaving and they haven't changed their minds?

Their indifference only strengthens my resolve to find Kyurem. I’m not sure why a legendary would care about a human more than her own parents, but stranger things have been known to happen. Probably.

When I leaf through my traveling checklist one last time, I promise myself I’ll at least say goodbye to Renee. I owe my sister that much. To her credit, she did care about me, and maybe she still does. It’s hard to say. I’ve kept my distance from her so much that every time I stumble into her, she tilts her head and opens her mouth to speak, but then she walks right past me like I’m a ghost. Knowing her, she thinks she’s the nuisance child in our parents’ eyes, not me. Her type of logic would surmise that she’s doing me a favor by deflecting all conversation.

I throw my checklist down on my bed, where it lands upside down. I open the door to my bedroom with my shoulders because the humidity tends to swell up the hinges and makes it harder to budge. A twinge of pain travels up my arm as a result, and I readjust my backpack so that it sits comfortably on my back despite all the junk I crammed in there.

Right. I’m off to a good start. I should’ve packed smarter, but instead, I’m bringing some mementos due to the low probability of me ever coming back rather than for sentimental reasons. Like the cigarette lighter Dad lent me a while ago and forgot about, and a short-lived diary I kept in the middle of my worst outburst.

I spot Renee across the hall as the pain in my arm subsides. She must’ve spotted me first, because she slips into her own bedroom and closes the door, something she rarely does. It’s just not in her nature to be secretive and to push people away. I’m the exception now. If I disappear without a word again, I know she’ll dwell on it forever.

From my backpack’s side pocket, I take out Kephi’s pokéball and roll it between my fingers. Unsurprisingly, the venipede refused to let me recall him at first. I think he only did it to escape the smell of sitrus berries. Each spring, Mom places baskets of them around the house to repel insects. She didn’t remember—didn’t bother—to take Kephi’s bug-typing into account.

…The way my thoughts drift away from Renee so quickly like this is the reason it hurts to see her. I force myself, one step at a time, to her bedroom. I force myself to knock on her door. I contemplate darting away and performing that disappearing act after all, hoping Renee will magically understand how I’ll keep her in my thoughts. I doubt I’ll call or visit ever, so it’s the least I can do.

It’s the best I can do.

Renee’s voice, quiet and pained, invites me inside after my third time knocking. Her gaze lingers on Kephi’s pokéball, then my backpack. “You’re leaving already?” she asks, forcing a half-smile.

I lean against the doorframe when my left side starts to ache a little. “Yeah,” I say. “Gotta go before it’s dark, you know.”

“It’s nine in the morning, Annie.”

"Gotta get to Jubilife before dark.” Never mind that reaching the so-called City of Joy requires a four day trek on foot, minimum.

“Oh. Well, that makes sense if…” Renee’s voice trails off, and I look at her, waiting for her to finish her sentence. She doesn’t. Her eyes, a dark shade of green just like mine, glaze over and threaten to spill actual tears.

“Okay, you caught me. I have to meet up with Gregory to pick up my pokédex,” I say, throwing my arms up for a dramatic effect. That’s not a lie, at least, although another reason I’m headed out now is because my parents left for work a short while ago. They won’t be able to stop me—if they even want to, that is.

Renee, sitting at the edge of her bed with her feet dangling, picks at a loose thread on the comforter as a distraction. Her fingers drag over to the wall, where she unplugs a cord charger and replaces it with an outlet cover designed to prevent electric-types from sneaking in through the electrical system.

“Remember when Mom’s old galvantula brought a den of joltik in the house and killed our power for a week?” she says.

“Yeah,” I say. “I remember.”

When it seemed like even the local electric company couldn’t fix the problem, the family evacuated to a hotel at the Verity Lakefront. But while we were stuck in the dark, Renee and I pretended we lived in a mystical castle that in reality was a pillow fort that spanned the entire living room. My twelve-year-old self invented awful ghost stories, and an even younger Renee clung to me, whimpering in fear and refusing to leave the comfort of our fort without me to protect her.

I cross my legs together, uncross them again as I force myself to look at my sister. Her flustered expression still reminds me of a child, and after a long silence, I mention a half-hearted comment about how Mom refused to re-home the galvantula once the power was restored.

“Dad suggested it, once," Renee replies, shrugging. “But, well, you know him. He won’t argue with Mom about anything ever.”

“No kidding.” Could I blame him? I adopted my smoking habit not long after the galvantula incident, because I saw him deal with the stressful situations brought on by Mom’s stubbornness that way. “Hey, if I catch one of those freaky spiders, I’ll send it back home to you guys. For nostalgia’s sake and all that.”

That actually gets a chuckle out of her, a feat she stifles by covering her mouth with her hand. “Good luck with that. And good luck with… everything else.”

“Thanks,” I reply, my voice barely audible. “I’ll warn you in advance when that spider’s on its way.”

She nods, I close the door on my way out, and that’s it. My goodbye, although having devolved into jokes about electric spiders, is done and over with. I walk slowly from the house in case Renee decides there’s something more she wants to say. If we weren’t tied down by genetics and feuds that she couldn’t bring herself to take sides in, we could’ve been closer. I’d tell her that, but I’m not even the slightest bit brave, and anyway, that’d only make things harder. My hands are already so damn full.

*

As I walk down the deserted construction area that is Weritz Street, I think of another regret to add to my ever growing list. The arguments I’d come up with to convince my mother that Kephi is, in fact, a wonderful choice for a starter have gone down the drain since she allowed me to leave for Jubilife without one of her more condescending lectures. The halfhearted ones she threw at me out of obligation don't count. I should’ve made a scene when I still had the chance.

How badly I wanted—want—to tell her to just shove it.

I take a deep breath. It’s a nice spring day, and I’m lucky to have the strength necessary to do what I’m doing. No need to ruin it all with a massive dose of negativity. Or thoughts about someone gone, out of my sight until further notice.

I’m already close to Sandgem’s northern exit. From the corner of my eye, I see a mothim glide past on a gust of wind. It swerves at the last possible second before catching the tip of its wing on a bulldozer crane. A string of caution tape flaps loudly, but the mothim ignores its warning and lands on a no trespassing sign. Supposedly, a community of townhouses and condos is in the works, but that feels like a myth when the workers are only ever on site past dark.

Gregory surprises me, as usual. He makes his way to me the moment he spots me from afar. There’s a spring in his step and a smile on his face that I know to mean he’s got a ton of stuff to ramble on to me about. Except then his eagerness fades the moment he’s able to get a good look at my face.

“You know, most new trainers are raring to go their first day out in the wild,” he says.

“It’s not official until you hand me the dex and it lists off all of my personal information in a robot voice."

Gregory nods, then digs into his back pocket and pulls out a sleek, red device I’ve seen advertised on every billboard in Sandgem. When I take the pokédex from him, it’s heavy, and no doubt I worry the OT with how tightly I grasp it with both hands. I go to undo the latch on the side to power it on and explore all the features, but he shakes his head and says, “There’ll be plenty of time to read up on things on your way to Jubilife.”

“What, you planning on ditching me so soon you can’t show me how to work this thing?”

“Kind of,” he says. He clears his throat. “Right now, what’s most important is that you know this”—he points to an indentation on the pokédex with a round blue button embedded—“is the emergency button. Use it anytime you need me.”

Without thinking about it, I reach forward and grab his arm. He can’t seriously call it a day with just that piece of information, can he? What about all the answers he promised me?

The man just smiles. I scowl at him and let go of him in favor of clenching my fists. No doubt he’d question my sanity if I squeezed too hard like I wanted to break his arm or something. Even if he didn’t, his tolerance for my nonsense must have a limit. Best not to waste it.

“Grip and release. You’ve been practicing, I can tell,” he says. On command, my hands unfurl and furl again easily. A compliment like that isn’t enough to placate me, though.

“That’s not what I care about right now. Can you tell me one thing before you go?”

“Well, I’ll meet you in Jubilife, of course. Until then—”

“I’m sure I can manage,” I interrupt, rolling my eyes. “What about Kephi? What’s wrong with him?”

There’s a long silence, broken only by the sound of footsteps from passersby and the pervasive buzzing of a cell phone.

Gregory sighs. “I can give you the technical rundown, but as to what caused the issues, I don’t know.”

“That’s… That’s fine.”

It isn’t fine, but whatever. I’m sure I can get Kephi to explain spill his guts and fill in any gaps some other time. I let him out of his pokéball so I can see for myself what Gregory’s about to explain to me, and after the amorphous flash of red fades and his body’s materialized, his antennae twitch violently. The bug-type stretches them as far as he can, like he’s reaching for something he can’t find. He settles on gliding them along the pavement and hissing at it.

“See what happened there?” Gregory asks, pointing in Kephi’s general direction.

“Uh, I think he was just trying to figure out his surroundings. This is probably all new to him.”

The OT shakes his head. “His antennae, they’re not in sync when they move. He’s angry about it,” he says.

I glance at my starter again and notice Gregory’s right. One antenna’s stiff, and the other bounces up and down violently as Kephi grimaces. None of the passersby seem to notice the pokémon in pain.

“Have you ever heard of apraxia, Annie? Or hypoxia?”

“A-prax-ee-uh and…” I trail off, remembering my blunder at the hospital that alerted the doctors to my own condition in the first place.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Gregory says. He goes to scoop Kephi up in his arms, and though the bug-type flinches, he doesn’t resist the gesture. He even allows the OT to trace his fingers along the hump on his back. “Our assessments showed that there’s a lack of adequate oxygen in this little guy’s body. That's hypoxia. It’s not debilitating, but you can see parts of his face and abdomen are shriveled and discolored.”

Gregory motions for me to lean my head in and look, but I opt out, ashamed I hadn’t noticed earlier. It’s not like I’d ever seen a venipede in the flesh before and none of them have the exact same appearance, but still.

Gregory pulls Kephi in close again and continues, “Apraxia’s associated with damage to regions of the brain that regulate motor skills. So is hypoxia, to a certain degree. That means he’ll have trouble moving around on a daily basis and carrying out commands in battle. You guys can train and he’ll know how an attack is supposed to be executed, but his brain won’t always be able to process how to turn the concept into a reality.”

“But Kephi had a trainer before!” I say, too harshly. Stunned, the OT blinks at me. “I mean, I thought it’d be cool and all to have a strong starter like this.”

“Like I said, Annie, I don’t know the origins of these conditions. He could’ve been born with them, or perhaps there was an accident. Either way, it’s safe to assume his disability was too much for his old trainer to handle.”

Oh, right. The shelter. There’s plenty of reasons a trainer would abandon their pokémon, but it makes sense that sick or weaker ones would be left where they could be taken care of while others could probably manage surviving in the wild.

I sort of understand Mom's penchant for trained pokémon now. And it's a good thing I didn’t babble on like an idiot about having a strong starter to her after all.

An idea hits me when I shake away thoughts of my mom again. She’s not the one with mystical powers claiming to save me from my misery, after all. I owe my focus to Kyurem and Kephi.

“Why don’t you just ask Kephi yourself?” I say.

“Unless you can decipher incessant clacking noises, I fail to see how that’ll help,” Gregory says.

“Oh, come on,” I say before he even finishes speaking.

He stares and stares, and he doesn’t have the face of a man who’s joking, but of one who’s utterly confused and questioning his client’s intelligence. Kephi, of course, just snuggles into the OT’s arms and hisses at me, avoiding real words. Now he doesn't want to swear up a storm.

I laugh to stave off the awkwardness of the situation and mention loudly—too loudly—how it’d be nice if language barriers between humans and pokémon were a myth.

“Oh, it’s the case for some people, especially veteran trainers. I myself am more in tune with their body language, but not actual words yet.”

“Yet?”

“Over time, if I keep working with pokémon, it’s likely to click.”

There’s been an immense amount of research done on the topic. The odds are certainly in his favor, even if he’s no specialist. An image flashes through my head of Gregory hunched over a desk, sifting through hundreds of scattered papers outlined with all the latest information about the venipede line that eventually was solidified enough to be put in the pokédex. All because he couldn’t ask the brat what’s up.

The effort he’s put into Kephi’s situation is comforting, if nothing else.

“Any other immediate questions? Surely you’d like to get a head start as early as possible today.”

“It’d be nice to, you know, hear about the actual rehab part of this,” I say, folding my arms.

“I’m still working out the kinks. This is the last test.”

“Last test?”

With that conversation over for now—I’ll have to bombard the OT with Kephi-related questions again later—Gregory pulls out a plain red and white pokéball. It’s fitting for a rather plain looking man like him. Still, I can’t help but wonder what other surprises this man’s got in store for me.

“Since it’s too dangerous to send you off alone with Kephi straightaway, I’ll let you borrow my snivy for the time being.”

Gregory holds the button down on the pokéball, and from it emerges a green, bipedal lizard. The snivy has dull, reddish eyes and a contrasting yellow crest. His short tail kind of reminds me of a three-leaf clover.

Once the grass-type fully materializes, Kephi hisses and retreats as far back into Gregory’s arms as he can, forcing the man to drop his pokéball so he can keep the venipede from jumping away. The snivy rubs his underbelly and flickers his blood red tongue like he’s ready to chow down on a meal he knows is gonna be tasty.

“Aren’t you supposed to have the type advantage, dude? What have you got to be afraid of?” I ask Kephi, offering to take him from Gregory’s arms. Kephi reluctantly agrees and crawls up my arm, leaving a tiny trail of slime behind.

“Nate here was my starter. He’s the most well behaved out of all my pokémon, and he’s capable of holding his own in a fight. I trust you’ll be okay to get to Jubilife, but just in case…”

I don’t bother giving him a chance to finish his sentence. “Yeah,” I say, “I know what you mean. Don’t worry about it.”

“Anyway,” Gregory continues, “record your experiences—on the pokédex or on paper. Doesn’t matter. Think of it as a diary of sorts, where you write whatever’s relevant to your day.”

“I’m not sure what’d count as relevant, but, uh, sure. I can do that.” And how is this homework supposed to help, exactly? My old diaries, they’re nonsense, stream of consciousness ideas that are hardly coherent when I look back at them.

This will be just another thing to fake, I guess.

“All right,” Gregory says, “here’s exactly what I’ll be looking for…”

*

“God, it’s almost like he’s a fucking stalker or something.”

“Excuse me?”

I'm surprised both by my starter's shameless profanity and the bite in his voice after his previous show of silence. Kephi simply laughs, so loud that I’m sure the entire route’s inhabitants know we’re out and about now. To our left I spot a burmy gathering fallen leaves for its cloak. The bagworm scurries off the moment it realizes it’s not alone, dropping a few petals along the way without bothering to retrieve them.

“Were you paying any attention to what that old man said?” Kephi shakes his head. “He wants you to write down your every thought, your every move. It’s creepy. Ain’t no other word for it.”

For whatever reason, he’s abandoned his cuddly ‘mon charade. I point this out to him, because why would he want to be all buddy buddy with a stalker, but he just harrumphs and works to put a fair amount of distance between us. He settles into a new cycle of scuttling far ahead of me, then slowing down to a snail’s pace until I catch up. Every time he sees me writing in my temporary diary, he snickers and mumbles comments I pretend not to hear.

The little bug likes to act tough, but I notice the nuances of his movements a tad easier now. Gregory’s explanation was useful for something, after all.

“A stalker indeed,” I finally agree after Kephi insults the OT a fifth time. As revenge, I jot down notes about Kephi’s slightly labored breath after his spurts of energy, the way his antennae drags dully along the forest floor as he pretends to be searching for something, the way his words slur if he tries to talk too loud… The list goes on and on.

So he’s the one being stalked right now, not me. Except I’m not laughing about it, because I technically am supposed to be writing about myself. And I should be experimenting with my shiny new pokédex, but I managed to summon the courage to check how crumpled my old diary was getting at the bottom of my backpack. Might as well use it and maybe see if Kephi wants to cover it with a giant ball of slime.

That’s another thing he does: slime everything, everywhere. The faster his body moves, the more there is. And personally, I hope Gregory gags when he reads about it. Serves him right for trying to handle a renegade client like me.

Me, though. I have to write something about me. So far, Gregory? I’m bored. Nate’s not talked since we parted ways, and what’s weirder, he’s not left my side since he got the order to keep me in line. In fact, his pace matches mine perfectly, even though I’m at least twice his size and the shape of his feet reminds me of thin and permanently curled pieces of paper. How does that anatomy make any sense for a creature that’s supposed to possess more abilities than any human in existence?

I’ve asked the snake a million and one questions to get him to talk about himself, to talk about his trainer—you know, to see if I can understand Gregory's pokémon when even he can't. Everything about me is already an anomaly anyway, so why not this, too? No language barrier could be Kyurem’s doing, I guess. Or a byproduct of growing up with Mom’s pokémon that I’m just now picking up on, most realistically.

Alas, Nate’s either a legit mute or a huge jerk with a talent for giving others the cold shoulder. Kephi's on board with the latter explanation after having several of his duel challenges straight up ignored by the grass-type.

“I’d love to wipe that smug look off his face,” he tells me at some point. “You’re the trainer! Can’t you do anything?”

Explaining what resting bitch face syndrome is and how I need Nate in tiptop shape in case we get into trouble earns me a scowl and a threat about how I’ll be the one taking poison stings to the face soon if he doesn’t get the fight he’s itching for.

Further into Route 202, the forest grows denser and the cedar tree canopies bunch closer together, blocking the noon sun and keeping its warmth from seeping in. I wrap my arms around myself, shivering slightly and failing to find any comfort in the look of concern Nate flashes me. As usual, he says nothing.

Meanwhile, Kephi stops near an old emergency phone booth a few yards ahead of us. He cranes his neck up curiously, but he’s too close to get a good read on it, so he crawls back a bit. Wincing like it hurts, he resorts to ignoring the thing and moves on, and for the next hour, he leads us through a winding path reminiscent of a labyrinth without multiple, diverging pathways—only to bump into another, larger booth-like structure.

“Seriously?” he cries out, startling the teenage boy manning the booth into dropping his cell phone. “We better not have just gone in a circle, trainer girl! I ain’t sleeping in my ball tonight or on the forest floor with the wild luxray running around.”

The booth boy forgoes retrieving his phone, instead greeting us from afar with a wave too forceful to feel inviting. I break into a jog to catch up with my starter, while Nate takes almost no time at all to do the same. Before Kephi can scamper ahead and leave us in the dust again, I scoop him up in my arms, careful to be gentle but firm like Gregory had. Still, the bug-type wriggles relentlessly to try to escape.

“There, there,” I tell him. “Gotta keep you out of reach from the grand total of zero luxray we’ve seen so far.”

Kephi hisses at me, the booth boy flinches. How someone like him got chosen to brave the wild and keep watch over… whatever this booth is, I don’t know. The enclosed building, built out of solid concrete, has enough room to fit a computer desk and a swivel chair. Tinted glass windows cover the majority of the wall space, which I assume are used to keep an eye on passers-by and approaching pokémon.

Naturally, I assume the booth boy’s a ranger maintaining the forest. But then he reaches out his hand to me expectantly and I realize I’m only half-right.

“Just two rubies,” he urges. “You’ve got that much, right?”

“An optimistic one, aren’t you,” I mumble, accepting in my head that it’s not that much money and that the toll amount will probably only increase the deeper into the gym circuit routes I travel.

“All your money goes to keeping the routes clean and whatnot. Pokémon can be pretty destructive, so I’d say it’s worth it,” he insists. He's poached this spiel to numerous new trainers before, I can tell.

“Huh. The League’s afraid of the luxray around here, too? Good to know.”

“That’s not—”

The moment I dig into my pockets to fish out the coins with my free hand, Kephi sees his chance and hops out of my arms. Unsurprisingly, a long string of spicy curse words escapes the venipede’s lips as he lands on the grass with a soft thud. When I move to fetch him, the booth boy has the nerve to hold out his arm. He doesn’t budge even after I hand over the rubies.

“Pokédex, too, ma’am,” he says. “I’m sorry. League’s safety protocol in case you’re hurt, missing, whatever. The little guy’s still in sight, anyway.”

It’s tempting to borrow a few of Kephi's insults. If only circumstances didn’t make it likely that I’ll need a real ranger sent to my rescue someday. That, and I guess I’m supposed to be something of a role model to Kephi as his trainer.

A solid thirty seconds later and the booth boy’s registering my information in his system while I’m scooping up the venipede out of a patch of tall grass right before he’s straightened himself out to make a break for it. This time, he’s not got enough energy to resist me. His ragged breathing calms down to a reasonable pace while we wait. Next to us, Nate sighs heavily with an actual hint of exasperation.

“That’s how it is, is it? The weed’s not even gotta talk to be fucking annoying,” Kephi says.

The booth boy doesn’t so much as blink in response. I take that to mean Kephi’s speech sounds like garbled nonsense to him. A shadow jumping from branch to branch flits by, the rustling allowing a beam of sunlight to peek in and illuminate the grassy path we’d just tread.

“Good luck on the rest of your way to Jubilife,” the booth boy says as he hands me back my pokédex.

“Won’t need the luck, I hope,” I say. I open my mouth to make another quip about luxray, then veto the idea. “But thanks.”

He glances back at the tollbooth. “Right, well, my shift was ending soon, last I checked. I doubt you’ll make it even halfway this late in the day, and the first night out can be one hell of a culture shock.”

“That’s exactly the vote of confidence I need.”

I roll my eyes and start walking, twigs crunching underneath my feet. Thanking the booth boy again feels like the humane thing to do, but he’s already wandering back to perform his other attendant duties. So I focus on what's there to look forward to: more torrents of anger from Kephi, figuring out sleeping arrangements or whether we’ll need a fire if the temperature drops too low, what we’ll do if we get lost and prolong the trip…

Shifting the venipede to one arm, I unpocket my journal and open to a fresh page as a distraction. What’s there to say, I wonder? What I’ve penned so far is barebones, so I should jot down something. Anything that resembles the storm in my head is out of the question, though. No matter how much Gregory encourages me, he has no place glimpsing my innermost thoughts. I’d like to think I’ve come a long way from being the neurotic mess that scribbled in the first fifty something pages, that the difference would be like fire and ice, but a nagging feeling at the back of my mind renders my optimism pointless.

The urge to feel even somewhat productive outweighs my self-loathing for the moment, so I flip back to the last page I’d written in voluntarily before I’d abandoned journaling. A paragraph sits at the top, the rest of the page empty save for a single line written separately: I believe we’ll be okay.

We, as if I'd lumped myself in with my family, even Renee. We, as if there’s a side of me that wants to dig herself out of the hole she’s made and a side that’s too apathetic to make it happen.

We… Does that count pokémon now? At first sight, we’ve got an aspiring silent ninja disguised as an overgrown reptile, a hunchback with a sour attitude and a body comprised of acid to match, and a girl who’s more likely than not in over her head.

What a goddamn sorry sight.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Hey, I'm back for more!

One thing I love about this story is how... challenging it can be to sum my thoughts up for. I mean that in a good way. It makes me think, which is something I do so little of these days unfortunately.

Plot

So in the meantime I work on the same old hemiparesis stuff and sit through my parent’s logistical lectures about money and safety. Dad lays out all the reasons they won’t contribute to my journey funds, emphasizing the recent accumulation of hospital bills. Mom goes over the technicalities of our insurance, and, ironically, advises me of places and people I should go to if I ever need help.

These lines struck me as odd. I thought her plan to leave town was a big secret, shared only by her and Gregory? I seem to recall in chapter 3, she's doing everything she can to avoid tipping off her family, going as far as stashing her supplies in the garden where nobody will find them. You know I've got a bad memory, so answers to these questions might have already been given later in chapter 3... or maybe it's just simply implied they know she'll be travelling now that she's picked up her Venipede.

In the end, I'm not too bothered. This chapter is built on them knowing she's leaving.

I'm also glad that we'll be seeing more of Gregory, and so soon. Seems odd that he's leaving for Jubilife after her and expects to actually catch her, unless he's relying on her staying put for awhile when she arrives. Or maybe he's banking on her being slow due to her health problems.

Characters
Again, Annie's sassy nature fails to disappoint. I love how cynical and bitter she is despite the second chances she's gotten, yet knows that bitterness and cynicism probably isn't justified as much as she wants it to be. Even when she takes a step back and tells herself to be positive, it's difficult for her. You definitely got this aspect of her right.

Knowing her, she thinks she’s the nuisance child in our parents’ eyes, not me. Her type of logic would surmise that she’s doing me a favor by deflecting all conversation.

Annie's description of her sister hits home really well, as it accurately sums up how I often feel when it comes to talking to family members. I have many opportunities every day, but I just... don't. Whether Annie's summation of Renee is the honest truth or not, Renee certainly isn't alone in this.

The way she bounces off of Kephi is incredibly fun, too. They've only known eachother for about a week at this point (I assume), but they're basically shitposting IRL like lifelong friends on a constant basis, I love it. Their personalities are so perfect together.

Kephi himself is also a breath of fresh air, even if he's pretty similar to Annie. You can tell that he's just kinda sick of life and wants to have fun with it while he can, but realizes he's attached to this lady now, for better or for worse. I'm wondering if his constant attempts at escape are honest attempts or if he's just being a tormentative asshole for the fun of it. I'm betting on the latter.

Style
I've commented on the first person present tense narrative already, but I'll add something to those thoughts: The way you write this is just so authentic. I know parts of it come from experience, which helps a lot. What I see when I read this is someone's honest thoughts. They're not just words on a page, the feel real. Annie is more than just a character, she could leap out of the story and function in the real world just as much as the average person. This story's strongest aspect is the authentic and believable emotion behind Annie's words and thoughts.

...if any of that makes sense.

Technical

Except I’m not laughing, because I technically am supposed to be writing about myself. I should’ve just used the damn pokédex, but I made the effort to check how crumpled my diary was getting at the bottom of my backpack. Might as well use it and maybe see if Kephi wants to eat it. Or cover it with a giant ball of slime.
That’s another thing he does: slime. He leaves it everywhere. The faster his body moves, the more there is.
Personally, I hope Gregory gags when he reads about it. Serves him right for trying to handle a renegade client like me.

Methinks there's a couple missing linebreaks here?

“There, there,” I tell him. “Gotta keep you out of reach from the grand total of zero luxray we’ve seen so far.”
Kephi hisses at me, but the boy flinches. How someone so timid got chosen to keep watch over… whatever this booth is, I don’t know. The enclosed building, built out of solid concrete, has enough room to fit a computer desk and a swivel chair. Tinted glass windows cover the majority of the wall space, which I assume are used to keep an eye on passers-by and approaching pokémon.

Same here. I'm starting to wonder if these are pagebreaks in your word editor, easy mistake to make.

Other than those, I didn't find anything out of the ordinary.

Other thoughts/shitposting

Like I said, Annie, I don’t know the origins of these conditions. He could’ve been born with them, or perhaps there was an accident.

Oh no, he didn't have a run in with a black haired teenager, did he

the shape of his feet reminds me of thin and permanently curled pieces of paper. How does that anatomy make any sense for a creature that’s supposed to possess more abilities than any human in existence?

YES, finally someone else says it.

Character responses

If I dare acknowledge his presence, he hisses and leaves a trail of slime behind him to spite me.

Bad bug! This girl went out of her comfort zone to give you a home when no one else would!

But while we were stuck in the dark, Renee and I pretended we lived in a mystical castle that in reality was just a pillow fort that spanned the entire living room. My twelve-year-old self invented awful ghost stories, and an even younger Renee clung to me, whimpering in fear and refusing to leave the comfort of our fort without me to protect her.

Ahhh, my heart! Maybe it's the music I'm listening to as I read this, but this really plucked the strings and threatened to turn on the ol' waterworks somehow. There's just something so adorable about this little reminiscense that makes these two characters more human than some people I know IRL.

I take a deep breath. It’s a nice spring day, and I’m lucky to have the strength necessary to do what I’m doing. No need to ruin it all with a massive dose of negativity.

'atta girl!

“That’s how it is, is it? The weed’s not even gotta talk to be fucking annoying,” Kephi says.

I'm going to like this sailor mouth, I just know it.

or whether we’ll need a fire if the temperature drops too low

Oh my sweet ignorant child, just a little while ago you were shivering when you walked into a tree's shadow, you're gonna be boned with this attitude!

 

[diamondpearl876]

One thing I love about this story is how... challenging it can be to sum my thoughts up for. I mean that in a good way. It makes me think, which is something I do so little of these days unfortunately.

That's a good way of exercising your brain - through reviews

These lines struck me as odd. I thought her plan to leave town was a big secret, shared only by her and Gregory? I seem to recall in chapter 3, she's doing everything she can to avoid tipping off her family, going as far as stashing her supplies in the garden where nobody will find them. You know I've got a bad memory, so answers to these questions might have already been given later in chapter 3... or maybe it's just simply implied they know she'll be travelling now that she's picked up her Venipede.

In the end, I'm not too bothered. This chapter is built on them knowing she's leaving.

In-story, it was a secret at first, but that quickly changed. It might've come across as too subtle, but Annie did mention her parents essentially giving her the silent treatment and not expressing any concern about her leaving once they found out.

I'm also glad that we'll be seeing more of Gregory, and so soon. Seems odd that he's leaving for Jubilife after her and expects to actually catch her, unless he's relying on her staying put for awhile when she arrives. Or maybe he's banking on her being slow due to her health problems.

Part of the job as an OT in the Pokémon world naturally involves dealing with traveling trainers. So there's ways for them to get around quickly. Hasn't been explored in-fic yet.

Characters

Again, Annie's sassy nature fails to disappoint. I love how cynical and bitter she is despite the second chances she's gotten, yet knows that bitterness and cynicism probably isn't justified as much as she wants it to be. Even when she takes a step back and tells herself to be positive, it's difficult for her. You definitely got this aspect of her right.

It is hard, I get it. xD She does it mostly out of guilt for thinking her feelings aren't justified, yeah. In reality, they are, but... well, it's a common thought process: that others have it worse, or "I don't matter," so they should get essentially get over it.

Annie's description of her sister hits home really well, as it accurately sums up how I often feel when it comes to talking to family members. I have many opportunities every day, but I just... don't. Whether Annie's summation of Renee is the honest truth or not, Renee certainly isn't alone in this.

Her thoughts on Renee are clouded for sure, overshadowed by her hatred for her parents.

The way she bounces off of Kephi is incredibly fun, too. They've only known eachother for about a week at this point (I assume), but they're basically shitposting IRL like lifelong friends on a constant basis, I love it. Their personalities are so perfect together.

Kephi himself is also a breath of fresh air, even if he's pretty similar to Annie. You can tell that he's just kinda sick of life and wants to have fun with it while he can, but realizes he's attached to this lady now, for better or for worse. I'm wondering if his constant attempts at escape are honest attempts or if he's just being a tormentative asshole for the fun of it. I'm betting on the latter.

Lol, well, they're okay for now, but there'll be conflict down the road.

Hmm, I will have to work on differentiating them, then. Not that he's had much screen time yet, but I don't consider them similar myself, personally. Though comparing original!Annie to revised!Annie, I can see why you'd say that.

Style

I've commented on the first person present tense narrative already, but I'll add something to those thoughts: The way you write this is just so authentic. I know parts of it come from experience, which helps a lot. What I see when I read this is someone's honest thoughts. They're not just words on a page, the feel real. Annie is more than just a character, she could leap out of the story and function in the real world just as much as the average person. This story's strongest aspect is the authentic and believable emotion behind Annie's words and thoughts.

...if any of that makes sense.

An honest thoughts kind of style is exactly what I'm going for, so! It was a bit of struggle getting her voice right in this version, but I think I've finally settled in there.

Technical

Methinks there's a couple missing linebreaks here?


Same here. I'm starting to wonder if these are pagebreaks in your word editor, easy mistake to make.

Other than those, I didn't find anything out of the ordinary.

Yeah, I was having a lot of trouble with C/P formatting wrong. :\ Thought I caught 'em all, but guess not. Thanks!

Other thoughts/shitposting

Oh no, he didn't have a run in with a black haired teenager, did he

oh my god lol NOOOOOOOO but I mean, I guess the two fics do overlap a bit...

Character responses

Ahhh, my heart! Maybe it's the music I'm listening to as I read this, but this really plucked the strings and threatened to turn on the ol' waterworks somehow. There's just something so adorable about this little reminiscense that makes these two characters more human than some people I know IRL.

I enjoyed writing that little bit myself. <3 I kinda wish Renee would be a main character traveling with Annie just to write them together more, lol

Thanks again for reading and commenting! Love hearing your thoughts haha

 

[Ambyssin]

Sooooo, I've been meaning to give this a look for awhile and I suppose the Review Game is as good an excuse as any to stop being lazy about this whole affair. also i totally didn't post this in the wrong topic by accident, nuh-uh, didn't happen...

Prologue
From reading other reviews it sounds like you made some fairly substantial cuts and changes to this since you posted it. As it stands, I quite like it. It lays out the basic premise of the story, but not from the perspective I was expecting whatsoever. While this is just one giant monologue and I can understand how readers might find that boring, I do, however, like Kyurem's voice. It has that sense of authoritarianism I come to expect out of a box art legend. Yet, the content of the speech has quite the opposite effect. It paints Kyurem as rather frail... and incredibly tragic. They've ended up in a state of learned helplessness and despair. It's a far cry from the anger I'd expect given how Kyurem's treated lore wise, with humans fearing him an all that jazz. Still, it's a bold move that I think is a very original take... to basically have Kyurem clinging to this one last thread of hope before they shut themselves off from the rest of the world.

I'd like to make an educated guess about who the "friend" is in this conversation... because I don't think it's figurative. But nothing comes to mind for me. ^^; (Update: reviews seemed to correctly guess Celebi... oh. Totally missed that.)

Ch 1
A little fuzzy at the start here. I'm not entirely sure if our protagonist was listening in on the conversation between Kyurem and Celebi via something magical. I suspect she's in some sort of coma or under the effects of anesthesia and she's waking up in a hosptial? It's sufficiently vague enough to make me think out of body despite me disliking scenes that are very disconnected like this. As far as the actual incident that brought Annie here... dang! A stroke at a young age is always something heartbreaking to hear about. It sounds ischemic from the way it's described... but I'm quite surprised they had to resort to hypothermia. As best as my knowledge goes, that's a method for controlling intercranial pressure... also, a quick glance at UpToDate actually says inducing hypothermia in patients is only something occuring in clinical trials, and it's not used at all in reference to hemorrhagic stroke; though if she had the latter I fear she wouldn't be speaking.

I realize the hypothermia thing is to tie it into Kyurem so it's not going to be medically accurate (if she was in a coma they might've rushed her in for a mechanical thrombectomy depending on imaging) but she would've at least had a STAT CT scan done on admission in an attempt to locate the infarction, so if you ever go back to revise maybe mention a throwaway line about CT or an MRI scan. Because I'm a dork and it'd be fun to speculate: since she's still speaking, I doubt it's an infarct causing lesions in the left frontal or left temporal lobes, since those would put Broca's and Wernicke's areas at risk and greatly impair her speech. Though, I'm sure you know that. Considering she's also able to walk, it sounds like this was predominently an infarct with the blood supply to her midline reticular activating system, since that could make her go comatose on the spot. Maybe she has an artery of Percheron?

Anyway, you're spot on with Annie's reaction to Dr. Holster listing off unhealthy behaviors she needs to stop. Even at a time like this, patients may not have the right mindset to jump on that kind of change and I think you captured that well. Likewise, Annie's helicopter parents evoke some familiarity though I admit I have a bit of a tough time believing they'd really just not show up for 24 hours unless their relationship was extraordinarily strained. It doesn't sound great... but it seems like they had some degree of working relationship.

Ch 2
Left-sided hemiparesis of the upper and lower limbs, huh? Well that could suggest a number of different lesion locations on the right side of poor Annie's brain. Lateral cerebellum and motor cortex come to mind, here. *few sentences later* Ah... primary motor cortext it is! Which would indicate upper motor neuron weakness. So, I feel like the doctor should also mention that she may have some transient spastic rigidity of the muscles in her left limbs. And she may be a tad hyperreflexive and, y'know what, I'm-a shut up before I make an even bigger fool of myself than I already have. <.<;

*reads a few more paragraphs* Y'know, when Kyurem was mentioning something about a cure, I thought for sure it was a physical ailment. But from the sound of things, it's actually the "unsual outbursts" mystery that he might be offering an answer for. That didn't occur to me at all. And tying it into the stroke adds another layer to the intrigue. I think this chapter sells the rocky relationship b/w Annie and her parents a lot better from the one scene last chapter. It seems like she's going home with great reluctance and tying in the conversation with Annie's mom to a bit of a cigarette withdrawal was a good touch, in my book. Also, "Alolan rockruff?" Are there any other types of rockruffs I should know about?

Also, ouch, Annie, you know Dr. Holster really does want to help. Why you got to burn him like that? On an unrelated note, I see you got a fair bit of flack for the story's pacing. I can understand where those reviewers are coming from. But I'm rather biased. I work in a hospital. Granted, I'm in a lab most of the time, but I still see this stuff in effect. While hospitals do try to rush patients out as quickly as possible, extended stays really can drain your soul and make you a very miserable person. And... possibly as a result of the revisions you made based on feedback, I didn't have much of a problem reading this. But, again, that may be my bias showing through.

Ch 3
Oh my god could Annie have been any more of a crumuddgeonly old person with that snow comment at the start? XD

This probably sounds stupid, but up until you spell it out for me with Annie's preparations, I was under the impression she'd be journeying through Sinnoh. Probably because I have a hard time believing a recovering stroke patient would travel halfway across the world. But, eh, that's fiction for ya, I suppose. She's remarkably lucky she can get away with stashing her stuff in the grass, I must say. Though the most interesting part for me is the previous failed trainer attempts. I want details, damn it, details! I'm sure you have that planned but something something inpatient millenial

If I’d stayed enrolled in college, I might have learned about this motor imagery therapy in a neurology class and then forgotten the details after the exam like a typical student.

DAYUM GURL DROPPING THEM KNOWLEDGE BOMBS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.I mean, uh, golly it sure is nice to see mirror image therapy being put to use in a Pokémon fic. :V

Aww, but it's nice to see that, despite her cynicism about the guy, she develops a working relationship with Dr. Holster and he's actually helping her prep to travel to Unova! I guess that's a "patient's wishes come first" type of mentality, but in this case I see it working out alright. Also, I got a kick out of the ice-types are for experienced trainers only, bit. Y'know, becuase they have so many weaknesses that they're useless in a rookie's hands? *ba-dum-tsssh* Looks like she's getting Venipede, too. I look forward to it become Whirlipede and rolling everywhere it can because I find stuff like that hilarious. XP

Ch 4
I don't honestly remember if Kyurem mentioned something about Annie being able to talk with her Pokémon so casually. Because, like, I was caught super off guard by Kephi's first lines. On the bright side, you nailed the grumpy old man angle perfectly.

With the hump on his back and the narrow slits of his eyes, he reminds me of old men who make a point of displaying how bitter life is any chance they get.

Ironic, coming from Miss "I WALKED FIFTEEN MILES THROUGH THE SNOW TO GET TO SCHOOL... UPHILL BOTH WAYS!" Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. <.<;

I was also surprised that Annie actually told her parents their plan. Like, I was under the impression she was going to slink off in secret and just not tell them. But that's not the case. And it's possibly sadder that Annie seems to think they're not at all troubled by this revelation. I don't have much of an opinion on the goodbye to Renee, but that's because she's been mostly in the background this whole time and, well, the scene itself is very brief and kind of stiff. Which you might've wanted, judging by Annie's reaction.

Dang, that really sucks to hear about Kephi's condition. If I had to offer any bit of criticism here, the way you word it sounds like apraxia is a medical condition that can cause damage to the brain... when it's the result of damage to neuronal tissue. The second part of the description is right: an inability perform a particular, purposeful action in response to a command. Just a minor word chance like "Apraxia is the result of damage to regions of the brain that regulate motor skills. Hypoxia can cause it." would probably fix it. On a better note, I like how this seems to deepend the connection b/w Annie and Kephi beyond just their injuries. Annie feels like her parents have disregarded her and Kephi was disregarded by his previous trainer.

And we're officially off and running, so to speak. Y'know, for still being in Sinnoh, there's a lot of Unova to be seen. I'm tempted to ask where exactly Kephi could've developed such a unique vocabulary from... or if there's some sort of specialized translation Annie is doing in her head converint Pokémon speech to what we know, but I guess I'll just roll with it. This first route is pretty meandering and uneventful, but I had a feeling it'd be that way given how the story was set up, so to speak.

Overall
I guess just a few quick points here. I think Annie's cynical, biting wit shines through very well here. Nothing about any of this feels happy... and her bitter thoughts on everything that's going on cloud the story's tone appropriately. I don't really have any technical bits to point out. It looks like whatever revisions you did worked out for me, because nothing really brought this to a screeching halt for me. It's entertaining... though I admit I think I was more captivated by the actual medical stuff than the Pokémon journey aspect. It doesn't entirely look like Dr. Holster's going away, so to speak, so it seems like I'll still have that to look forward to as the fic continues. Maybe it's not the main part of the fic, but it's holding my attention for sure.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Prologue
From reading other reviews it sounds like you made some fairly substantial cuts and changes to this since you posted it. As it stands, I quite like it. It lays out the basic premise of the story, but not from the perspective I was expecting whatsoever. While this is just one giant monologue and I can understand how readers might find that boring, I do, however, like Kyurem's voice. It has that sense of authoritarianism I come to expect out of a box art legend. Yet, the content of the speech has quite the opposite effect. It paints Kyurem as rather frail... and incredibly tragic. They've ended up in a state of learned helplessness and despair. It's a far cry from the anger I'd expect given how Kyurem's treated lore wise, with humans fearing him an all that jazz. Still, it's a bold move that I think is a very original take... to basically have Kyurem clinging to this one last thread of hope before they shut themselves off from the rest of the world.

I'd like to make an educated guess about who the "friend" is in this conversation... because I don't think it's figurative. But nothing comes to mind for me. ^^; (Update: reviews seemed to correctly guess Celebi... oh. Totally missed that.)

Yeahhh, I think I cut about, oh, 7-8k words in the end? Kyurem's angry, sure, but his bitterness and diminishing will to carry on just kinda overshadows at at this point, so I'm glad to hear that showed. ^^

A little fuzzy at the start here. I'm not entirely sure if our protagonist was listening in on the conversation between Kyurem and Celebi via something magical. I suspect she's in some sort of coma or under the effects of anesthesia and she's waking up in a hosptial? It's sufficiently vague enough to make me think out of body despite me disliking scenes that are very disconnected like this. As far as the actual incident that brought Annie here... dang! A stroke at a young age is always something heartbreaking to hear about. It sounds ischemic from the way it's described... but I'm quite surprised they had to resort to hypothermia. As best as my knowledge goes, that's a method for controlling intercranial pressure... also, a quick glance at UpToDate actually says inducing hypothermia in patients is only something occuring in clinical trials, and it's not used at all in reference to hemorrhagic stroke; though if she had the latter I fear she wouldn't be speaking.

Yeah, it was supposed to be here waking up in the hospital, but I can see how the disorienting bits were too much. She was listening, and I agree I could've made it clearer. I legit facepalmed when I realized that was a thing I straight up forgot, haha. At the risk of never ever moving forward with this damn rewrite, I'm not gonna be going back and editing these fixes in just yet, but I tend to address the listening part in future chapters. ^^

I realize the hypothermia thing is to tie it into Kyurem so it's not going to be medically accurate (if she was in a coma they might've rushed her in for a mechanical thrombectomy depending on imaging) but she would've at least had a STAT CT scan done on admission in an attempt to locate the infarction, so if you ever go back to revise maybe mention a throwaway line about CT or an MRI scan. Because I'm a dork and it'd be fun to speculate: since she's still speaking, I doubt it's an infarct causing lesions in the left frontal or left temporal lobes, since those would put Broca's and Wernicke's areas at risk and greatly impair her speech. Though, I'm sure you know that. Considering she's also able to walk, it sounds like this was predominently an infarct with the blood supply to her midline reticular activating system, since that could make her go comatose on the spot. Maybe she has an artery of Percheron?

It was kinda hard to portray this from Annie's POV, but the thought was that induced hypothermia is meant to improve the mortality rates and reduce the likelihood of permanent damage in cardiac arrest patients... At least, this is an idea I got from the research I did, and I rolled with it to try to help Annie cope with what she heard and Kyurem's existence/requests, etc.

Re: speech, yeah, I absolutely needed her to talk and knew to try to avoid Broca/Wernicke damage. xD Slightly related, but I love all the medical jargon in this review haha. <3 Shows just how invested in the medical stuff you are/were.

Anyway, you're spot on with Annie's reaction to Dr. Holster listing off unhealthy behaviors she needs to stop. Even at a time like this, patients may not have the right mindset to jump on that kind of change and I think you captured that well. Likewise, Annie's helicopter parents evoke some familiarity though I admit I have a bit of a tough time believing they'd really just not show up for 24 hours unless their relationship was extraordinarily strained. It doesn't sound great... but it seems like they had some degree of working relationship.

Maybe this sounds weird, but that's an appropriate reaction I was kinda going for. xD Part of her disdain for them and never trusting others comes from people insisting that, oh, parents only ever act in your best interests, surely your parents didn't mean it, etc... Parents neglect and emotional abuse never seems like a possibility until it's straight up physical in nature (obviously starved, obviously hit, and so on).

Left-sided hemiparesis of the upper and lower limbs, huh? Well that could suggest a number of different lesion locations on the right side of poor Annie's brain. Lateral cerebellum and motor cortex come to mind, here. *few sentences later* Ah... primary motor cortext it is! Which would indicate upper motor neuron weakness. So, I feel like the doctor should also mention that she may have some transient spastic rigidity of the muscles in her left limbs. And she may be a tad hyperreflexive and, y'know what, I'm-a shut up before I make an even bigger fool of myself than I already have. <.<;

Poor Annie indeed. D: I feel like rigidity is in there somewhere, but if it's not, it was certainly intended to be. I do remember focusing more on numbness than rigidity/lack of flexibility, at any rate, so thanks for pointing that out! I'll be sure to include it in future chapters and add it to the edit list, hehe.

*reads a few more paragraphs* Y'know, when Kyurem was mentioning something about a cure, I thought for sure it was a physical ailment. But from the sound of things, it's actually the "unsual outbursts" mystery that he might be offering an answer for. That didn't occur to me at all. And tying it into the stroke adds another layer to the intrigue. I think this chapter sells the rocky relationship b/w Annie and her parents a lot better from the one scene last chapter. It seems like she's going home with great reluctance and tying in the conversation with Annie's mom to a bit of a cigarette withdrawal was a good touch, in my book. Also, "Alolan rockruff?" Are there any other types of rockruffs I should know about?

Or... ORRR... hear me out, it could be both. I feel like maybe I should run the physical ailment background by you or someone just to be sure it's feasible, lol, but I hate spoiling others. Also, lol, woops, I meant to just indicate it was a 'mon from the Alola region. Unless you don't know about the cheeto form yet, nah, you're good. xD

Also, ouch, Annie, you know Dr. Holster really does want to help. Why you got to burn him like that? On an unrelated note, I see you got a fair bit of flack for the story's pacing. I can understand where those reviewers are coming from. But I'm rather biased. I work in a hospital. Granted, I'm in a lab most of the time, but I still see this stuff in effect. While hospitals do try to rush patients out as quickly as possible, extended stays really can drain your soul and make you a very miserable person. And... possibly as a result of the revisions you made based on feedback, I didn't have much of a problem reading this. But, again, that may be my bias showing through.

'Cause people helping her is such an inconceivable concept in her mind. xD Re: pacing, people who didn't like it in the original like it in this rewrite, and people who don't like it in this rewrite liked it in the original. Can't please everybody, eh? I'm no doctor, but with my own experiences with hospital stays (albeit with family members being in there for forever rather than myself), I can see the extended stay point. Annie was miserable before, and I wanted her even more miserable before she left, so I guess it works out? I do see places I can cut down on again, though, for the next round of edits, whenever that may be.

Ch 3
Oh my god could Annie have been any more of a crumuddgeonly old person with that snow comment at the start? XD

This probably sounds stupid, but up until you spell it out for me with Annie's preparations, I was under the impression she'd be journeying through Sinnoh. Probably because I have a hard time believing a recovering stroke patient would travel halfway across the world. But, eh, that's fiction for ya, I suppose. She's remarkably lucky she can get away with stashing her stuff in the grass, I must say. Though the most interesting part for me is the previous failed trainer attempts. I want details, damn it, details! I'm sure you have that planned but something something inpatient millenial

DAYUM GURL DROPPING THEM KNOWLEDGE BOMBS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.I mean, uh, golly it sure is nice to see mirror image therapy being put to use in a Pokémon fic. :V

Pfft, you'll get details... someday... wink wink

Also, she'll be traveling a bit through Sinnoh initially (there's no way indeed Gregory et al. would let her go too far right away lol, and Annie does what she can to avoid suspicion and worry from others when possible), but a trip out to Unova is indeed inevitable and a set goal in her mind.

Aww, but it's nice to see that, despite her cynicism about the guy, she develops a working relationship with Dr. Holster and he's actually helping her prep to travel to Unova! I guess that's a "patient's wishes come first" type of mentality, but in this case I see it working out alright. Also, I got a kick out of the ice-types are for experienced trainers only, bit. Y'know, becuase they have so many weaknesses that they're useless in a rookie's hands? *ba-dum-tsssh* Looks like she's getting Venipede, too. I look forward to it become Whirlipede and rolling everywhere it can because I find stuff like that hilarious. XP

Lmao, poor ice-types. xD Forever the weakest type. But yeah, the relationship between 'em will be rather slow starting and full of rocky bumps, but! They'll get there... probably...

Ch 4
I don't honestly remember if Kyurem mentioned something about Annie being able to talk with her Pokémon so casually. Because, like, I was caught super off guard by Kephi's first lines. On the bright side, you nailed the grumpy old man angle perfectly.

You were supposed to be surprised, so that's good! The explanation for why she can understand is already in there, it's just not obvious by any means, nor can it really be from Annie's POV right now. Kinda muddled further by Annie's reasonings which are totally off base.

I was also surprised that Annie actually told her parents their plan. Like, I was under the impression she was going to slink off in secret and just not tell them. But that's not the case. And it's possibly sadder that Annie seems to think they're not at all troubled by this revelation. I don't have much of an opinion on the goodbye to Renee, but that's because she's been mostly in the background this whole time and, well, the scene itself is very brief and kind of stiff. Which you might've wanted, judging by Annie's reaction.

I thought about having it that way, I really did, and so did she, in-fic. It was a bit complicated. If she left without saying anything and nothing happened, it would prove to her that her parents don't give a shit about her, not really. If she said something beforehand, there was at least a possibility that her parents would try to express some semblance of caring. They didn't. And it would've impossible to prepare from the hemiparesis side of things if she had to hide everything from her parents. Renee's mostly there to further the family strain indeed. ^^; She'll appear later, though, unlike her parents themselves.

Dang, that really sucks to hear about Kephi's condition. If I had to offer any bit of criticism here, the way you word it sounds like apraxia is a medical condition that can cause damage to the brain... when it's the result of damage to neuronal tissue. The second part of the description is right: an inability perform a particular, purposeful action in response to a command. Just a minor word chance like "Apraxia is the result of damage to regions of the brain that regulate motor skills. Hypoxia can cause it." would probably fix it. On a better note, I like how this seems to deepend the connection b/w Annie and Kephi beyond just their injuries. Annie feels like her parents have disregarded her and Kephi was disregarded by his previous trainer.

Ugh, and I was a speech-pathology student for four years. For shame. xD Noted, thanks, Amby!

Overall
I guess just a few quick points here. I think Annie's cynical, biting wit shines through very well here. Nothing about any of this feels happy... and her bitter thoughts on everything that's going on cloud the story's tone appropriately. I don't really have any technical bits to point out. It looks like whatever revisions you did worked out for me, because nothing really brought this to a screeching halt for me. It's entertaining... though I admit I think I was more captivated by the actual medical stuff than the Pokémon journey aspect. It doesn't entirely look like Dr. Holster's going away, so to speak, so it seems like I'll still have that to look forward to as the fic continues. Maybe it's not the main part of the fic, but it's holding my attention for sure.

That's fair! I'm glad you gave/are giving the story a shot still. If it matters, there'll be more of the medical aspect with actual training scenes; they're already in the original and I don't plan to alter them too much, just expand upon them since I rebooted shortly after they were introduced. How's Kephi supposed to battle with this sort of stuff, after all? And Annie's journey can't all just be pointless meandering, hehe.

Thanks for all the comments! <3

 

[Flaze]

Well, awards are over so it's time for some Award Reviews.

Here's my thoughts on the fic as a whole.

Plot

Love and Other Nightmares isn’t a story that concerned with being epic. Sure, we’ve got a protagonist that’s tied to an ambiguous destiny and it’s implied that the story will go on to feature gym battles as Annie improves as a trainer and captures more Pokemon.

However, the thing that stands out about Love and Other Nightmares is how it concerns itself with its character’s psyche. Plot-wise the story is relatively simple, with it simply being Annie’s journey through Sinnoh as she tries to figure out what Kyurem has set out for her. At least this is what the story’s plot seems to be so far as it still hasn’t really shown us much else besides her getting her preparations ready and finally setting out.

Admittedly that’s one flaw I’d give LaON, its pacing is slow, very slow. Granted, it’s slow for a reason as it takes a its time to really acclimate us to Annie’s thought process, her current life and the reason why she has to set out on a journey. She isn’t just some kid that wants to set out on a journey just cause, she’s someone whose life has fallen apart and so the story spends its time trying to convince us, and Annie, of why she has to leave.

This, as stated before, makes the story move glacially slow but it also works perfectly for a tale that tries to be more of a character story, even if it could do with a little speeding up.

Setting

The story takes place in the Sinnoh Region and for the most part what you see is what you get. So far we’ve only really stuck around the Sandgem area of the region, which gets a bit expanded upon in that we get to hear and see more buildings and establishments. However, the amount of locations we’ve seen so far is very little and description-wise we actually don’t get a lot of information.

On the one hand, the information we do get is good enough to let the reader imagine the setting in their own head, which is always a plus, especially with a story that puts more focus on the characters. On the other hand, it also causes the story to feel a little too claustrophobic due to the fact that we don’t get to really see much of the world around our characters.

It doesn’t have to be long, drawn out descriptions of surroundings, but something to help us get a better visual of the world our characters live in would be a great plus. The story’s already done this with chapters focusing on describing the way Annie sees Sandgem or her home, which in turn highlights what it all means to her and adds a melancholic layer to the fic.

Where we do get more information is in regards to healthcare. There are very few Pokemon fic that put an emphasis on the process of mental healthcare and how Pokemon influence it, particularly when it comes to the field of psychology. Even more interesting is the way it explores Pokemon psychology and how they’re not so different from humans.

Characterization

The star of the story is Annie all the way through, while we get some insight into the other characters we see everything through Annie’s point of view and our perception of the world and its inhabitants is based entirely on it as well. In part this is also the reason for why the story’s pacing and setting description suffer. LaON is a story that’s concerned with what’s inside Annie’s mind. So much so that when she’s not interacting with other characters we mostly just listen to her thoughts and get more information on her past and feelings.

The upside to this is that we get a deep understanding of Annie herself, her qualities and flaws as well as how her situation influences her. I particularly like how Annie is never treated as a tragic figure, sure, she is what she is because of the environment and the way she grew up, but a lot of her issues can be attributed to her own character flaws. Not to mention that she can be quite cynic and even cold towards others in an attempt to avoid dealing with the consequences of her actions, like trying to leave without saying goodbye to her sister in the latest chapter.

Unfortunately, other characters can suffer a bit. I wouldn’t say that the characters outside of Annie aren’t complex in their own right, her family members, Gregory and Kephi all have wells of potential and they’re all multi-faceted. However, so far we haven’t really gotten much of a read on them outside of their basic personality and what Annie thinks of them. I’m sure we’ll get more insight into Gregory and Kephi as they’re both going to be prominent figures in the story but it’s kind of sad that we most likely won’t get to see Annie interact with her family much from now on, if at all.

Writing Style

As stated before, LaON’s biggest strength is how it delves into Annie’s mentality and explores her issues, this style of writing that puts the characters’ thoughts and feelings first also gives the story a very good and speedy flow, which can help you feel like you’re going through chapters quickly enough even when they’re pretty long.

Of course this does leave the story with the aforementioned issue of chapters feeling like they don’t move the story at all, and the fact that the writing style focuses on the characters’ emotions also comes with a rather minimalistic style as well, which can also affect the level of description in the story.

Quality-wise I don’t think LaON’s changed very much in regards to writing style, it’s overall one of the fics with the most distinguished styles in the workshop and diamond clearly knows how to use her own voice, however I think she could definitely try to experiment a bit more with her writing if possible.

Technical

I don’t really have much to say for this section except that LaON is one of those stories where I can’t spot any grammar mistakes even if I wanted to. Diamond especially goes through a lot in double and triple checking her characters and even editing them as quickly as possible after she publishes them to make sure that there aren’t any. This level of dedication can be discerned easily just from reading her story.

And these are about Annie specifically:

Depth

Being the center of the story has a lot of perks in that we end up really getting into Annie’s head. This helps establish her as a more complex character than what you would expect. She might seem like a depressed or tragic hero at first but Annie isn’t a tragic figure. Her mistakes and part of the reason she ended up in the situation she’s in has to do with her own faults. Similarly, while Anni ends up deciding to set out on her journey, it’s implied that she’s also doing it as a way to leave her worries at home and not deal with her family.

That by gives her more depth but not enough, what expands on this is the way her own views and perception affects the way she interacts with others. Her relationship with her parents is so fraught that she doubts she’ll ever be able to reconcile with them and doesn’t try to. Her perception of Pokemon is so focused on what’s usually promoted to trainers that she’s unsure whether to even keep Kephi, and her fear of wanting to face her sister and deal with the fact that she’s essentially abandoning her makes her attempt to leave home without saying goodbye.

Another interesting aspect is her somewhat religious views. Annie isn’t really a devotee to religion but it’s been on her periphery, and the way she treats the mission given to her by Kyurem is interesting. It’s not that she completely buys into it, in fact at first she doesn’t believe it. But I think her situation in life is so bad that she just finds herself grasping at that possibility for as little as it might be and that gives her a lot of added realism.

Originality

Annie’s basic concept isn’t really unique. She’s a young woman in her 20s who is disappointed with the road her life has taken and now has to revalue her life. It’s a classical character archetype that gives you a character you can explore while also making them relatable to the audience, especially if it’s an audience who is also in their 20s.

These characters in turn can also fall in multiple groups and I’m glad that Annie falls in the good one. A lot of the time these characters become self-inserts and in the worst case scenario they can end up becoming a power fantasy. Annie is all too human however and her actions and personality are also fittingly grounded. All of her actions, both good and bad make sense, she isn’t treated as being right and while people are worried about her they also don’t treat her as if she was special or in an overwhelmingly cruel light. Sure, her parents are assholes but not just because they want to be but rather because of their own views.

The other interesting aspect about Annie is the way she tries to handle people. She tries to come off as polite and tries to hide her annoyance or anger with others, even while in her head she’s completely annoyed or tired or cynical. This little side of her does slip out from time to time and it gives Annie something to strive to improve as the story goes on.

Development

Admittedly Annie hasn’t had much development, mainly due to the length of the story so far. However, what little development she’s received comes from the story giving us hints of what kind of person Annie used to be. This works as a great contrast with what Annie is trying to become after her dream.

This comes into account heavily when Annie’s preparing for her journey, thinking back on how she never really took interest in the idea and was kind of afraid of it but is willing to give it a shot now, even taking in a traumatized Venipede, for the sake of wanting to live out a new life.

Not all development is good though and we also see her regress into some bad habits, like her struggle with whether or not to give up smoking for example. Either way what we’ve seen so far isn’t much but it paves a good road for what’s to come.

Entertainment Value

Most of the entertainment I get out of Annie comes from wondering what she’ll do next, being in her headspace also makes me pay attention to her thoughts and actions and make my own conclusions. It helps that the story doesn’t hand hold you and lets you make your own opinions of whether or not what she’s doing is right or wrong for herself or others, which is overall a great way to keep the audience engage.

The one issue that I’d find with Annie on an entertainment front is that I think that with time, especially since journey fics take time, it might feel a bit tiring. Thankfully now that the actual adventure is underway we should be seeing her in new kinds of situations and settings, but I’m afraid that constantly looking into Annie’s thought process 24/7 will eventually reach a point where it just becomes kind of stale. I’m not saying it’ll happen though, it’s only a possibility that comes with the territory.

Role

As all my words on little Anita here have reiterated, Annie is basically the core of LaON at this point, hell, and without meaning to bring up other stories, Annie played an important role in two character arcs in another one of diamond’s stories, so she’s a pretty important figure in what little universe she’s got going.

LaON embraces this idea by always immersing us in her head and it allows her to fill her role as the protagonist pretty much effortlessly. I’d say a little too much as maybe it would be good for the story to not rely solely on her as it goes on, but at least this makes her role clear, especially since, even if Kyurem’s push is what gets her going, Annie’s actions have so far been what’s motivated the plot.