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I seem to recall it was back when you were first writing this that I ended up beta'ing the prologue ... possibly some more of it. Well, a lot's changed since then, clearly.
Well, your prose is always different. I suppose it's an immovable feature of your writing that it will have a tendency to meander. For the prologue at least, I wonder whether for once it could do with being less focused, even more dreamlike. The flip side is that the prologue is also setting up the basic premise of the story, and coma-girl or no, it does need to get some of those ideas across.
The irony is that compared to the significantly more straightforward version I remember, this seems to work better. Perhaps it's because it touches on the cliché of the legendary pokémon handing down holy quests very lightly. It does tell the reader less about the story - I didn't realise Kyurem was specifically addressing Annie till halfway through chapter one.
Dwelt, not doted?
Anyhow, I think chapter one is slimmed down - or at least more efficient - from what I remember previously. I seem to recall Annie's relationship with her family was something of a jumble, but this time it is somewhat clearer. In any case you make better use of Renee this time round. Annie is as strange as ever, but you get the impression that somewhere in there is an appreciation for her sister.
Now that's a strange description, right there.
Interesting thought, that. Throws a little doubt on the Kyurem-dream, if you're not so inclined to immediately buy the holy quest narrative.
Annie's got a bitchy little streak under all that weirdness, hasn't she?
Well, your prose is always different. I suppose it's an immovable feature of your writing that it will have a tendency to meander. For the prologue at least, I wonder whether for once it could do with being less focused, even more dreamlike. The flip side is that the prologue is also setting up the basic premise of the story, and coma-girl or no, it does need to get some of those ideas across.
The irony is that compared to the significantly more straightforward version I remember, this seems to work better. Perhaps it's because it touches on the cliché of the legendary pokémon handing down holy quests very lightly. It does tell the reader less about the story - I didn't realise Kyurem was specifically addressing Annie till halfway through chapter one.
I'm sorry that I've doted on this time and time again
Dwelt, not doted?
Anyhow, I think chapter one is slimmed down - or at least more efficient - from what I remember previously. I seem to recall Annie's relationship with her family was something of a jumble, but this time it is somewhat clearer. In any case you make better use of Renee this time round. Annie is as strange as ever, but you get the impression that somewhere in there is an appreciation for her sister.
creating a stinging sensation in my hands as if I've just crushed a throat
Now that's a strange description, right there.
therapeutic hypothermia
Interesting thought, that. Throws a little doubt on the Kyurem-dream, if you're not so inclined to immediately buy the holy quest narrative.
I want to tell him he’d fit in better at an office job, where he could be boring in all the right ways.
Annie's got a bitchy little streak under all that weirdness, hasn't she?