TEEN: Love and Other Nightmares

[Beth Pavell]

I seem to recall it was back when you were first writing this that I ended up beta'ing the prologue ... possibly some more of it. Well, a lot's changed since then, clearly.

Well, your prose is always different. I suppose it's an immovable feature of your writing that it will have a tendency to meander. For the prologue at least, I wonder whether for once it could do with being less focused, even more dreamlike. The flip side is that the prologue is also setting up the basic premise of the story, and coma-girl or no, it does need to get some of those ideas across.

The irony is that compared to the significantly more straightforward version I remember, this seems to work better. Perhaps it's because it touches on the cliché of the legendary pokémon handing down holy quests very lightly. It does tell the reader less about the story - I didn't realise Kyurem was specifically addressing Annie till halfway through chapter one.

I'm sorry that I've doted on this time and time again

Dwelt, not doted?

Anyhow, I think chapter one is slimmed down - or at least more efficient - from what I remember previously. I seem to recall Annie's relationship with her family was something of a jumble, but this time it is somewhat clearer. In any case you make better use of Renee this time round. Annie is as strange as ever, but you get the impression that somewhere in there is an appreciation for her sister.

creating a stinging sensation in my hands as if I've just crushed a throat

Now that's a strange description, right there.

therapeutic hypothermia

Interesting thought, that. Throws a little doubt on the Kyurem-dream, if you're not so inclined to immediately buy the holy quest narrative.

I want to tell him he’d fit in better at an office job, where he could be boring in all the right ways.

Annie's got a bitchy little streak under all that weirdness, hasn't she?

 

[Beth Pavell]

Back for Chapter Two.

Technical Accuracy/Style

Looking at him, I hate how his face hardens into a frown. He honestly wants to hear my answer. “I’m the… or I was the… You know, the bartending job requires me to hold glass and steadily pour strong drinks to people who could get violent on me in return if I’m not careful.”
“So you’d have to use your hands a lot.”

Missed a line break there.

“Do you feel any numbness right now?” he asks, voice low and firm. His eyes fall to the clipboard at his side.

I shake my head. Flipping through my patient forms, he mumbles something about how my speech and language assessments had turned up normal. He hurriedly scribbles down a note when he finally finds the page he’s looking for.

Now this bit is a little odd. It feels like it's in the way, that Annie's comment about playing tongue twister ought to come right after the doctor's eyebrow-raising reaction. I can't really find a reason to keep these lines - not that they're bad ones, but that the narrative just works more smoothly without them.

Story
I kind of want to complain that the story is meandering here, but I also can't find any unambiguous fat to cut, either. I suppose I'm leaning towards the idea that next chapter ought to move things along a bit. By now we've got enough of Annie and her situation to go on, certainly enough of the medicine to go on.

Characters
Annie really does have a nasty streak to her. Or at least, a really sour view of people based on no evidence. I think I will say that the doctors in this story are portrayed as really robotic - I suspect you'll say that this is a perception filtered through Annie's eyes, but then her interactions with Gregory often involve him contradicting the kind of person she wants him to be.

She doesn't seem to really know what to think about Kyurem ... I suspect this is deliberate, too. There's a swell of resentment in there, a steadfast refusal to engage in religion, but then something like religion is also a perfect home for her, given her black sheep persona.

Final thought about the mother - she wouldn't be the first to obsess over animals and disregard people.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Chapter Three, and a chapter three that doesn't look like anything I remember.

Technical Accuracy/Style

out, “No

Errant comma there.

a map of Unova

Unova? Sinnoh, surely, unless I've managed to misunderstand something.

The lion-esque pokémon

"Leonine" would work better here, I think.

Setting

cultivate their own fern plants.

Ferns? From Jumpluff? There's no particular reason why this shouldn't be the case, it's just a bit surprising given how much the Hoppip line looks like dandelions.

I seem to recall you've been trying to do better settings, and description in general. I think the chapter is halfway there. Sandgem itself is fine. I think I would go so far as to say that much more description wouldn't add much to a chapter that could very easily teeter into rambling territory. Rowan's lab, less so. Labs tend to be a weak point in Pokémon fanfiction Though on the one hand sparse description is better than vague descriptions of beeping machines, on the other we don't get much of a sense of the place. Looking back I can see on a second reading that all this takes place in a courtyard. A little more explanation of what kind of place this is should get it to stand out more in the narrative.

Story
There's no doubt that Kephi - I assume it'll still be Kephi - appearing here rather than being encountered on the road is a better choice. I don't know whether you've given thought to this already, but suspension of disbelief when it comes to running into foreign pokémon is going to be a key issue in this story.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Admittedly that’s one flaw I’d give LaON, its pacing is slow, very slow. Granted, it’s slow for a reason as it takes a its time to really acclimate us to Annie’s thought process, her current life and the reason why she has to set out on a journey. She isn’t just some kid that wants to set out on a journey just cause, she’s someone whose life has fallen apart and so the story spends its time trying to convince us, and Annie, of why she has to leave.

This, as stated before, makes the story move glacially slow but it also works perfectly for a tale that tries to be more of a character story, even if it could do with a little speeding up.

You've commented thoroughly before, so I probably won't have much to say this time around for the awards review, but I appreciate it! I do wonder if the beginning would have felt a little less slow if, well, there was more to the fic at the time. Since all there is to read right now is the opening, basically, that can definitely give off the impression of being too slow. I guess we'll see when I actually update more, lol.

On the one hand, the information we do get is good enough to let the reader imagine the setting in their own head, which is always a plus, especially with a story that puts more focus on the characters. On the other hand, it also causes the story to feel a little too claustrophobic due to the fact that we don’t get to really see much of the world around our characters.

It doesn’t have to be long, drawn out descriptions of surroundings, but something to help us get a better visual of the world our characters live in would be a great plus. The story’s already done this with chapters focusing on describing the way Annie sees Sandgem or her home, which in turn highlights what it all means to her and adds a melancholic layer to the fic.

Claustrophobic is an interesting way to describe it. I'd argue Annie herself feels claustrophobic, being stuck in her own mind, and so, that's sort of the point, but I know a little more description in my writing can't hurt with how little I usually do it in favor of character monologue/introspection.

The upside to this is that we get a deep understanding of Annie herself, her qualities and flaws as well as how her situation influences her. I particularly like how Annie is never treated as a tragic figure, sure, she is what she is because of the environment and the way she grew up, but a lot of her issues can be attributed to her own character flaws. Not to mention that she can be quite cynic and even cold towards others in an attempt to avoid dealing with the consequences of her actions, like trying to leave without saying goodbye to her sister in the latest chapter.

Glad you like the way she's portrayed. I tend to think portrayal is a little more... realistic, in a lot of ways.

Unfortunately, other characters can suffer a bit. I wouldn’t say that the characters outside of Annie aren’t complex in their own right, her family members, Gregory and Kephi all have wells of potential and they’re all multi-faceted. However, so far we haven’t really gotten much of a read on them outside of their basic personality and what Annie thinks of them. I’m sure we’ll get more insight into Gregory and Kephi as they’re both going to be prominent figures in the story but it’s kind of sad that we most likely won’t get to see Annie interact with her family much from now on, if at all.

I think Kephi was handled okay in the original version, but definitely not Gregory. It's my goal to have them both fleshed out well as the story goes on, and any other character that comes around, of course. And we still may or may not see Annie's family, hehe.

Quality-wise I don’t think LaON’s changed very much in regards to writing style, it’s overall one of the fics with the most distinguished styles in the workshop and diamond clearly knows how to use her own voice, however I think she could definitely try to experiment a bit more with her writing if possible.

I think you mean experimenting with description and including other characters more often instead of just being inside Annie's head, probably? I'd be curious to know more on this.

Another interesting aspect is her somewhat religious views. Annie isn’t really a devotee to religion but it’s been on her periphery, and the way she treats the mission given to her by Kyurem is interesting. It’s not that she completely buys into it, in fact at first she doesn’t believe it. But I think her situation in life is so bad that she just finds herself grasping at that possibility for as little as it might be and that gives her a lot of added realism.

Dayum, that put it into words better than I cloud have. xD

All of her actions, both good and bad make sense, she isn’t treated as being right and while people are worried about her they also don’t treat her as if she was special or in an overwhelmingly cruel light. Sure, her parents are assholes but not just because they want to be but rather because of their own views.

and then Annie thinks of them all as scum of the earth anyway

The one issue that I’d find with Annie on an entertainment front is that I think that with time, especially since journey fics take time, it might feel a bit tiring. Thankfully now that the actual adventure is underway we should be seeing her in new kinds of situations and settings, but I’m afraid that constantly looking into Annie’s thought process 24/7 will eventually reach a point where it just becomes kind of stale. I’m not saying it’ll happen though, it’s only a possibility that comes with the territory.

This is fair, and I always imagined LaON to be kinda a huge story, spanning across Sinnoh and Unova eventually, although I've tried to re-evaluate the story's goals and such since the rewrite started. I think it'll be a lot more condensed and will, hopefully, have enough material to keep readers engaged with not only Annie, but the other characters.

Thanks for the in depth comments! <3

Well, your prose is always different. I suppose it's an immovable feature of your writing that it will have a tendency to meander. For the prologue at least, I wonder whether for once it could do with being less focused, even more dreamlike. The flip side is that the prologue is also setting up the basic premise of the story, and coma-girl or no, it does need to get some of those ideas across.

The irony is that compared to the significantly more straightforward version I remember, this seems to work better. Perhaps it's because it touches on the cliché of the legendary pokémon handing down holy quests very lightly. It does tell the reader less about the story - I didn't realise Kyurem was specifically addressing Annie till halfway through chapter one.

The original prologue was more dreamlike, and I moved the dreamlike sequence here to Annie waking up (although that hasn't seemed to work with most readers, either - I may just be bad at handling surreal scenes, haha). I'm glad this one seems to work better for you, though.

As for meandering prose, I've been trying to catch myself when I'm writing now to see if I'm doing it, and I almost always am. Hooray for the editing process. My goal right now is to not do it too much so as to distract from the story for too long, at least.

Anyhow, I think chapter one is slimmed down - or at least more efficient - from what I remember previously. I seem to recall Annie's relationship with her family was something of a jumble, but this time it is somewhat clearer. In any case you make better use of Renee this time round. Annie is as strange as ever, but you get the impression that somewhere in there is an appreciation for her sister.

Glad to hear it, re: Annie's parents and Renee. Hopefully, there's enough here now to justify Annie feeling bitter toward them, and guilty, throughout the course of the story.

Now that's a strange description, right there.

Written by a strange writer. :V

Interesting thought, that. Throws a little doubt on the Kyurem-dream, if you're not so inclined to immediately buy the holy quest narrative.

Yep! That was the goal of using that technique, hehe.

Now this bit is a little odd. It feels like it's in the way, that Annie's comment about playing tongue twister ought to come right after the doctor's eyebrow-raising reaction. I can't really find a reason to keep these lines - not that they're bad ones, but that the narrative just works more smoothly without them.

Fair enough. Those sentences are meant to probe more into what symptoms she's experiencing and her gauging the doctor's reaction, but I see what you mean about smoother narrative.

Story

I kind of want to complain that the story is meandering here, but I also can't find any unambiguous fat to cut, either. I suppose I'm leaning towards the idea that next chapter ought to move things along a bit. By now we've got enough of Annie and her situation to go on, certainly enough of the medicine to go on.

Yeah, that seems to be a recurring comment with these new opening chapters - that way more time is spent getting Annie out of Sandgem than before, and it feels too long, but it all feels "necessary" anyway at the same time. I'm still unsure what to do about it.

Characters

Annie really does have a nasty streak to her. Or at least, a really sour view of people based on no evidence. I think I will say that the doctors in this story are portrayed as really robotic - I suspect you'll say that this is a perception filtered through Annie's eyes, but then her interactions with Gregory often involve him contradicting the kind of person she wants him to be.

My thought process there was that it is still filtered through Annie's eyes, but Gregory's behavior in particular is too kind and patient for her to ignore compared to the other doctor's. I don't know if that holds up, but I can see the merit in adding more bedside manners to the others regardless. o:

She doesn't seem to really know what to think about Kyurem ... I suspect this is deliberate, too. There's a swell of resentment in there, a steadfast refusal to engage in religion, but then something like religion is also a perfect home for her, given her black sheep persona.

I think that would help describe her willingness to even entertain the idea, at least, but yeah, 99% of her rejection of religion is due to her parents' obsession with it.

Final thought about the mother - she wouldn't be the first to obsess over animals and disregard people.[/QUOTE]

I seem to recall you've been trying to do better settings, and description in general. I think the chapter is halfway there. Sandgem itself is fine. I think I would go so far as to say that much more description wouldn't add much to a chapter that could very easily teeter into rambling territory. Rowan's lab, less so. Labs tend to be a weak point in Pokémon fanfiction Though on the one hand sparse description is better than vague descriptions of beeping machines, on the other we don't get much of a sense of the place. Looking back I can see on a second reading that all this takes place in a courtyard. A little more explanation of what kind of place this is should get it to stand out more in the narrative.

Yeah, if my introspection meanders easily, I can only imagine my description might, too. But the lab is a good point. I can't recall a single detail I put in there about it before even re-checking the chapter, so... that's a bad sign.

Story

There's no doubt that Kephi - I assume it'll still be Kephi - appearing here rather than being encountered on the road is a better choice. I don't know whether you've given thought to this already, but suspension of disbelief when it comes to running into foreign pokémon is going to be a key issue in this story.

Yeah, I've thought about it. I think my biggest challenge right now is trying to make Virokoe the purrloin's "capture" more believable than in the original. I think the idea is pretty okay (as a short refresher: he's a TV star in Jubilife, where Annie is currently, and she kinda stalks him and persuades him to join her) but there's not a big enough gap between Annie getting Kephi and Virokoe to make it as believable. That, and Virokoe's motives for leaving his life weren't portrayed strongly, but that's an easier fix. I have a far more solid basis for Annie's third Pokémon (or at least, I think so), which wasn't in the original for long if at all, so I won't really go into it here.

Thanks for the comments! <3 And noted on the typos.

 

[canisaries]

Hey! This is my Secret Santa review, spanning the prologue and 4 chapters aka everything so far unless I made a horrible oversight. Let's get right into it.

Prose

Starting with the strongest point: the writing. It's first-person flow-of-thought, something I'm familiar with writing but not so much reading, but it flows naturally with a good balance and weaving of internal and external events. It's clear that the things happening have been filtered through a human brain, given how observations range from general to extremely specific and crucial to superfluous. "Superfluous" meaning only to the protagonist, as it's exactly these remarks that breathe more life into the description, an example being her sister fixing her own sleeve. It's analogous to a mountain range painting that wraps the faraway peaks in blurry fog while illustrating every petal of an edelweiss in the foreground, creating dozens of kilometers of depth in between.

Every sentence was comprehensible and I spotted no typos, either. I only have one gripe, and I have a faint memory I've mentioned it in some previous review, too. This would be the use of quotes - or, well, so far only one, right at the beginning of the first chapter. I'm really not a fan of them, emphasis on I, as this is a pretty subjective view, but: for me, quotes just give the wrong kind of message. It inadvertently implies that the story by itself is not enough to bright forth its message or atmosphere and needs to rely on another person's words to get the job done. It can also have a bit of a pretentious air to it - I know you personally, so I know it's not the actual intent, but it can come off as a bit show-offy, as in, "l'm very fancy for knowing what this (probably) famous guy said".

I know it's pretty rich for me to complain about relying on another person's intellectual property while reviewing fanfiction, but the way I see it, fanfiction expands upon the original material using the authors creativity, while very rarely are quotes ever used to mean something they don't already originally mean.

Plot

The concept of this fic is fairly simple - a comatose woman is awakened by a legendary (god) in exchange for going on some kind of quest to help pokémon in need. Simplicity is not a bad thing - probably even a good thing, as it makes the direction of the story clear right off the bat.

On the prologue: After reading some of the replies in this thread, I feel a bit awkward in saying it could still use some condensation. Length, by itself, is not really an issue, as this is still shorter than the average chapter, which is what a prologue should be. The issue is that Kyurem has a very peculiar way of speaking and talks about a lot of concepts the reader is not yet aware of. Mystery is good, but when something is cryptic for too long and doesn't look like it'll be explained in a while - and it's about fundamental mechanics that don't seem like they would take too long to explain in direct speech - it can get kind of jarring for the reader.

One suggestion I can think of to keep a lot of the material but still make the prologue easier to read would be to add description of Kyurem's surroundings. Granted, I don't know if Kyurem is even in a place where that would be possible, but if so, painting a picture of the environment and perhaps describing some events here and there would be a nice change of pace for the reader, allowing them to breathe and refreshing their capability to memorize and analyze what's being said. And when the reader's not made to work so much, the atmosphere comes across better as well.

To me, it feels like Chapters One and Two could have been merged. They have rather few plot developments in the end and instead focus on the protagonist's recovery. Chapter Three is where we finally get out of the hospital and into new territory. It's still mostly just Annie planning what to bring along with her on the journey, but a change of scenery is a powerful refreshing force. With Chapter Four, we really get the ball rolling with Kephi being properly introduced and the journey beginning. It's a bit of a shame there are only four chapters so far, as the start has been on the slower side (understandably, as this seems like it's going to be a longer story), so in the end, I really don't have that much to say on the plot itself.

On a positive note: I haven't studied neurology, but this fic feels very realistic and factual on that front, something that must be due to either extensive research or personal experience. There's also the psychological side. Annie's family has clearly influenced her strongly, but in subtle ways. Often in works of fiction, families tend to fall on the extreme ends - either the family is the sweetest, most functional one on the planet, or an absolute nightmare for anyone. In reality, people are affected by each other very differently by very different things, and it shows here. Annie isn't being abused (as far as we know so far), but clearly there's tension between her and her parents. Her sister, too, but a different kind, not necessarily malicious or blaming.

One annoying thing about realism, though, is the fact that the better one does it, the more even small oddities stick out. This is why it felt very odd to me that Gregory pointed Annie to Kephi as a starter. The venipede is described as a monster and a lot of work to take care of, when Annie should logically be given an easier and more helpful partner due to her recovery, something the average trainer doesn't need to worry about. It works perfectly for Kyurem's quest to choose Kephi, yes, but Gregory knows nothing about this. Furthermore, Annie is said to not care so much for pokémon, but she instantly feels more interested in an unfamiliar froslass who's treated her than her own family or the personnel around her. To be fair, though, that could just be a case of unreliable narration.

Characters

With this story's focus on a woman's recovery and helping of other entities in need of aid, it's rather clear that this is a character-driven fic. As mentioned before, the protagonist is shown having been and being influenced by others in subtle ways, and that's great news for character depth.

Unfortunately, I have to be critical again - I hate how this review is turning out so negative, but I just have to be honest. This may be a more subjective view than I think, as other reviewers seem to have disagreed, but the main problem I had while reading was that I wasn't engaged to anything. Annie is realistic, but (likely as a consequence) she isn't especially likable. She's not horrible, either, but I just don't find myself caring about her. When she first awakens, she acts rather callous to her family and the hospital staff, who from the reader's point of view are only trying to help. Later on, we get explanation as to why Annie isn't so fond of her family, so her reactions make more sense, but the reader doesn't start out knowing this. Renee isn't being mean to Annie in any kind of way when she's first seeing her, but Annie, among other things, gets upset that Renee didn't realize she's hiding something. Thinking about it objectively, it's completely understandable for someone to not pick up on subtleties like that when they've basically just experienced a miracle of their comatose sister waking up, and Annie seems like a smart enough woman to understand this.

While Annie comes across as a better person throughout the following chapters and it's revealed that she has insecurities, she doesn't exactly do anything to earn her likability. As she is now, she seems like a rather standard person with some problems, both hidden and known. As said, this is realistic, but from a story-telling standpoint, I couldn't find myself engaged to her. This is a considerable issue, as flow-of-thought has the protagonist very much in the focus and more importantly, the stakes of the plot are so far completely tied to her (although Kyurem seems to have something at stake as well, but still the god's kind of vague about it): live or die. And I know I'm going to sound like a total asshole saying this, but currently, I don't care if Annie lives or dies.

For some perspective, by the way, I'm a pretty cynical person. It's very likely that the majority of readers find themselves more engaged than me, so I don't want you to get discouraged.

As for other characters, they're not likable either due to their acts or because we haven't seen enough of them yet. Both are actually understandable and not flaws, given the narration is filtered through the main character (who is less likely to bring forth good qualities in people she doesn't like) and the story is only starting.

Of the characters so far, clearly the most colorful is Kephi (not just because of his species), who's kind of a piece of shit. But I can tell he's definitely supposed to be a piece of shit, so that's not criticism from me. This story does benefit from a colorful character like that, as it brings some more spirit and flair in for a change of pace.

Setting

I haven't played through any game set in the Sinnoh region (hoping that changes with a remake pls gamefreak), but this story doesn't lean onto readers' possible knowledge on that and describes the towns on its own terms, so I had no trouble with visualization. Details such as an ice cream stand on the beach are given, building an image of a rather comfy normal hometown.

As for how pokémon are incorporated into this world, I'm very torn. On one hand, I'm in love with details such as an outlet cover being needed to keep electric pokémon from sneaking in, ice pokémon giving hypothermic therapy or pokémon's speech being hard to understand due to their biological qualities garbling it in different ways - but on the other hand, the place of pokémon in this world is very hard to understand.

I'd actually totally forgotten pokémon could speak in your works until I made it to Chapter 4, and that's exactly the chapter where a lot of questions were raised. So, pokémon appear to be able to not only understand humans and not only speak, but do so with practically the same complexity as humans do. Kephi takes offense at his name on the grounds of it being "girly", which means he has to understand what girliness is and considers it bad despite insects having their genders on quite equal footing - scratch that, their females usually more powerful and in higher positions than the males (queens, mate-devouring females). He even laughs, which is a very human-specific act, only being recorded in a few other species, with those usually being caused by tickling or completely different stimuli than in humans. This may appear like hair-splitting, but as previously stated, amping up the realism on one area also causes it to be expected in others. That can actually be taken as a strange compliment - your realism is so good that suspension of disbelief is hurt much more easily.

However, when we get down to it, the fact that a bug can talk and laugh isn't my issue. It's a pokémon fic, the source material is a thousand times less realistic that anything we're writing down. The problem that I think is the most visible is the fact that while these mon can talk, think and yes, even laugh, they're not treated as humans despite them basically being those. From what we've seen here, pokémon can be adopted as normally as most real-life pets. Annie says she'll send a galvantula back as if it was an item, a souvenir.

Now, we're all aware from history that humans and their society are capable of ignoring when a being is clearly on the same level as them and treating them like objects instead of fellow citizens, but the thing is that eventually slavery was ended. The age we live in today in developed countries, contrast to some prior ages, is very individual-focused. Equality is seen as ideal and segregation by race, class or caste is typically seen as inhumane. It's true that not all cultures are the same, but the culture portrayed in this fic feels rather Western, so I'm judging it based on that.

Regardless of how rampant a view of "biologically not human beings don't deserve citizenship regardless of their intelligence" may be in this world, the existence of a vocal group demanding more human treatment for mon seems guaranteed - but those aren't even the ones society should be afraid of. That'd be the massive numbers of intelligent mon with superhuman powers who likely don't like being kicked around and not having the possibility of being actual citizens. I do vaguely recall there being something about influencing chemicals in pokéballs from another work of yours, but even then I can't really bring myself to believe there wouldn't be significant outcry.

If it looks like I've spent a long time thinking of this, it's because my own works contain talking Pokémon alongside humans and I desperately have to try and have that make sense somehow. ;p

For a less fundamental critique of talking mon (something I think could be plausibly worked on, which makes me feel less crappy for saying it), I'm not really sold on Annie's ability to understand Kephi almost right away. She later remarks that it may be Kyurem's doing, and I feel like that should have been brought up earlier, as it's currently overwhelmingly the best explanation. I don't think the explanation of Annie's mother having adopted lots of mon really holds up, as it's stated that they haven't had Bug types before (or forgot to learn their lesson given the Sitrus berries), meaning Annie wouldn't be familiar with insectoid takes on human language. However, I think it wouldn't be as odd if Gregory understood Kephi as well. Right now he apparently doesn't, which I don't really get, since he'd known Kephi longer than Annie and is the one that introduced the venipede to her.

Something also unclear, but this time justifiably, is the mechanics of being a god. Kyurem mentions that gods are capable of hearing prayers and confessions (unless I missed some kind of sarcasm there), which makes them be more than just generally strong mon. Still, they clearly aren't omnipotent, which I suppose is obvious after thinking 1.5 seconds about it because reality would probably be a constant hodgepodge of reality-bending that way.

Anyway, one thing is for sure, and that's there is a lot of room for worldbuilding, and being a journey fic, I'm guessing that'll be utilized. With the interesting details you've given and the yet undrawn line between wild and trained pokémon, I trust it to be something your readers will look forward to.

Overall

I don't want to give the impression that this is a bad fic. It's definitely not. It's wonderfully written with lots of passion and research gone into it. I'm just the kind of person who's a lot better at explaining why something doesn't work than why something does.

I'm pretty certain that if I had happened to like Annie more, I would have enjoyed this a lot more and put much less weight into the issues I perceived. As it stands, I've experienced a kind of unfortunate domino effect where being unengaged to the lead has made my opinions of other aspects more negative as well. It's hard for me to say how much of what I've said you should realistically consider, being stuck in my own head and all. Right now, I can only really say for sure that I gave my honest opinion.

I do wish you luck with continuing this fic and hope you'll have plenty of readers to enjoy it. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not being able to give more suggestions or be more helpful, but I hope that there's at least something useful in what I've said. Thanks for reading my wall of text and again, good luck!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hey! This is my Secret Santa review, spanning the prologue and 4 chapters aka everything so far unless I made a horrible oversight. Let's get right into it.

Prose

Starting with the strongest point: the writing. It's first-person flow-of-thought, something I'm familiar with writing but not so much reading, but it flows naturally with a good balance and weaving of internal and external events. It's clear that the things happening have been filtered through a human brain, given how observations range from general to extremely specific and crucial to superfluous. "Superfluous" meaning only to the protagonist, as it's exactly these remarks that breathe more life into the description, an example being her sister fixing her own sleeve. It's analogous to a mountain range painting that wraps the faraway peaks in blurry fog while illustrating every petal of an edelweiss in the foreground, creating dozens of kilometers of depth in between.

Ohh, that analogy to a mountain range is probably... well, probably the most poetic and nicest thing I've heard about my description. It used to be one of my main weaknesses as a writer, and I'm always glad to hear the opposite.

Every sentence was comprehensible and I spotted no typos, either. I only have one gripe, and I have a faint memory I've mentioned it in some previous review, too. This would be the use of quotes - or, well, so far only one, right at the beginning of the first chapter. I'm really not a fan of them, emphasis on I, as this is a pretty subjective view, but: for me, quotes just give the wrong kind of message. It inadvertently implies that the story by itself is not enough to bright forth its message or atmosphere and needs to rely on another person's words to get the job done. It can also have a bit of a pretentious air to it - I know you personally, so I know it's not the actual intent, but it can come off as a bit show-offy, as in, "l'm very fancy for knowing what this (probably) famous guy said".

I know it's pretty rich for me to complain about relying on another person's intellectual property while reviewing fanfiction, but the way I see it, fanfiction expands upon the original material using the authors creativity, while very rarely are quotes ever used to mean something they don't already originally mean.

Fair enough. You did indeed mention it in a previous review! Now that I've dabbled a fair amount more into nonfiction, I guess quotes fit more there, where you actually do want to be show-offy in the sense that people are only going to take you seriously if you're informed and capable of making a persuasive argument.

Plot

The concept of this fic is fairly simple - a comatose woman is awakened by a legendary (god) in exchange for going on some kind of quest to help pokémon in need. Simplicity is not a bad thing - probably even a good thing, as it makes the direction of the story clear right off the bat.

On the prologue: After reading some of the replies in this thread, I feel a bit awkward in saying it could still use some condensation. Length, by itself, is not really an issue, as this is still shorter than the average chapter, which is what a prologue should be. The issue is that Kyurem has a very peculiar way of speaking and talks about a lot of concepts the reader is not yet aware of. Mystery is good, but when something is cryptic for too long and doesn't look like it'll be explained in a while - and it's about fundamental mechanics that don't seem like they would take too long to explain in direct speech - it can get kind of jarring for the reader.

One suggestion I can think of to keep a lot of the material but still make the prologue easier to read would be to add description of Kyurem's surroundings. Granted, I don't know if Kyurem is even in a place where that would be possible, but if so, painting a picture of the environment and perhaps describing some events here and there would be a nice change of pace for the reader, allowing them to breathe and refreshing their capability to memorize and analyze what's being said. And when the reader's not made to work so much, the atmosphere comes across better as well.

Yeah, no, I agree, believe me. Because it might make or break whether or not a reader stays, well, I'll have to keep tweaking at it. I looked at old reviews recently and people did seem to like the original version, where there were surrounding descriptions and Annie actually directly talking to Kyurem. While I don't think Annie should talk to Kyurem still... I think there's a lot of merit indeed in mixing the two versions. Thanks for the idea!

To me, it feels like Chapters One and Two could have been merged. They have rather few plot developments in the end and instead focus on the protagonist's recovery. Chapter Three is where we finally get out of the hospital and into new territory. It's still mostly just Annie planning what to bring along with her on the journey, but a change of scenery is a powerful refreshing force. With Chapter Four, we really get the ball rolling with Kephi being properly introduced and the journey beginning. It's a bit of a shame there are only four chapters so far, as the start has been on the slower side (understandably, as this seems like it's going to be a longer story), so in the end, I really don't have that much to say on the plot itself.

Pacing is the other bane of this fic, haha. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with it. The first one had no lead up to the journey at all, so... it might be a matter of combining the two versions again.

On a positive note: I haven't studied neurology, but this fic feels very realistic and factual on that front, something that must be due to either extensive research or personal experience. There's also the psychological side. Annie's family has clearly influenced her strongly, but in subtle ways. Often in works of fiction, families tend to fall on the extreme ends - either the family is the sweetest, most functional one on the planet, or an absolute nightmare for anyone. In reality, people are affected by each other very differently by very different things, and it shows here. Annie isn't being abused (as far as we know so far), but clearly there's tension between her and her parents. Her sister, too, but a different kind, not necessarily malicious or blaming.

Hmm... Research on the neurological aspects, personal on the emotional aspects, I suppose is accurate. Re: family, I tend to think family psychology is a lot more complicated than people want to believe. My views about it are pretty cynical, so I won't get too much into it, but the excuses I've heard like "family not being able to negatively affect you on a profound emotional level because they're just trying to do what's best for you" just infuriate me. Of course, we all want to believe that, so there's that bias, and I think that view stems a lot from how subtle a parent's influence can be on their children.

One annoying thing about realism, though, is the fact that the better one does it, the more even small oddities stick out. This is why it felt very odd to me that Gregory pointed Annie to Kephi as a starter. The venipede is described as a monster and a lot of work to take care of, when Annie should logically be given an easier and more helpful partner due to her recovery, something the average trainer doesn't need to worry about. It works perfectly for Kyurem's quest to choose Kephi, yes, but Gregory knows nothing about this. Furthermore, Annie is said to not care so much for pokémon, but she instantly feels more interested in an unfamiliar froslass who's treated her than her own family or the personnel around her. To be fair, though, that could just be a case of unreliable narration.

Her attention to froslass was meant to be related to Kyurem. Was it Kyurem who saved her, or this other normal ice-type that has nothing to do with Kyurem? She was looking for proof of Kyurem's existence, essentially, wondering if what she heard in the prologue was just a dream. Anyway, I agree that Gregory vouching for a starter like Kephi is... lacking. My intention was to have him support Kephi being her starter because they both suffer from health issues, but I suppose that doesn't stand up as well as I thought originally?

Characters

With this story's focus on a woman's recovery and helping of other entities in need of aid, it's rather clear that this is a character-driven fic. As mentioned before, the protagonist is shown having been and being influenced by others in subtle ways, and that's great news for character depth.

Unfortunately, I have to be critical again - I hate how this review is turning out so negative, but I just have to be honest. This may be a more subjective view than I think, as other reviewers seem to have disagreed, but the main problem I had while reading was that I wasn't engaged to anything. Annie is realistic, but (likely as a consequence) she isn't especially likable. She's not horrible, either, but I just don't find myself caring about her. When she first awakens, she acts rather callous to her family and the hospital staff, who from the reader's point of view are only trying to help. Later on, we get explanation as to why Annie isn't so fond of her family, so her reactions make more sense, but the reader doesn't start out knowing this. Renee isn't being mean to Annie in any kind of way when she's first seeing her, but Annie, among other things, gets upset that Renee didn't realize she's hiding something. Thinking about it objectively, it's completely understandable for someone to not pick up on subtleties like that when they've basically just experienced a miracle of their comatose sister waking up, and Annie seems like a smart enough woman to understand this.

While Annie comes across as a better person throughout the following chapters and it's revealed that she has insecurities, she doesn't exactly do anything to earn her likability. As she is now, she seems like a rather standard person with some problems, both hidden and known. As said, this is realistic, but from a story-telling standpoint, I couldn't find myself engaged to her. This is a considerable issue, as flow-of-thought has the protagonist very much in the focus and more importantly, the stakes of the plot are so far completely tied to her (although Kyurem seems to have something at stake as well, but still the god's kind of vague about it): live or die. And I know I'm going to sound like a total asshole saying this, but currently, I don't care if Annie lives or dies.

For some perspective, by the way, I'm a pretty cynical person. It's very likely that the majority of readers find themselves more engaged than me, so I don't want you to get discouraged.

As for other characters, they're not likable either due to their acts or because we haven't seen enough of them yet. Both are actually understandable and not flaws, given the narration is filtered through the main character (who is less likely to bring forth good qualities in people she doesn't like) and the story is only starting.

Annie's not meant to be likeable, so it's hard to make people root for her... a struggle you might understand with Red. ^^; So, I understand this criticism, and you're not the only one who's thought so! Her character in the original was a bit more, uh, witty and smartass-y, so that might help if I try to incorporate that more? Maybe? Seems to be working with Kephi, at any rate!

Setting

I haven't played through any game set in the Sinnoh region (hoping that changes with a remake pls gamefreak), but this story doesn't lean onto readers' possible knowledge on that and describes the towns on its own terms, so I had no trouble with visualization. Details such as an ice cream stand on the beach are given, building an image of a rather comfy normal hometown.

As for how pokémon are incorporated into this world, I'm very torn. On one hand, I'm in love with details such as an outlet cover being needed to keep electric pokémon from sneaking in, ice pokémon giving hypothermic therapy or pokémon's speech being hard to understand due to their biological qualities garbling it in different ways - but on the other hand, the place of pokémon in this world is very hard to understand.

I'd actually totally forgotten pokémon could speak in your works until I made it to Chapter 4, and that's exactly the chapter where a lot of questions were raised. So, pokémon appear to be able to not only understand humans and not only speak, but do so with practically the same complexity as humans do. Kephi takes offense at his name on the grounds of it being "girly", which means he has to understand what girliness is and considers it bad despite insects having their genders on quite equal footing - scratch that, their females usually more powerful and in higher positions than the males (queens, mate-devouring females). He even laughs, which is a very human-specific act, only being recorded in a few other species, with those usually being caused by tickling or completely different stimuli than in humans. This may appear like hair-splitting, but as previously stated, amping up the realism on one area also causes it to be expected in others. That can actually be taken as a strange compliment - your realism is so good that suspension of disbelief is hurt much more easily.

However, when we get down to it, the fact that a bug can talk and laugh isn't my issue. It's a pokémon fic, the source material is a thousand times less realistic that anything we're writing down. The problem that I think is the most visible is the fact that while these mon can talk, think and yes, even laugh, they're not treated as humans despite them basically being those. From what we've seen here, pokémon can be adopted as normally as most real-life pets. Annie says she'll send a galvantula back as if it was an item, a souvenir.

Now, we're all aware from history that humans and their society are capable of ignoring when a being is clearly on the same level as them and treating them like objects instead of fellow citizens, but the thing is that eventually slavery was ended. The age we live in today in developed countries, contrast to some prior ages, is very individual-focused. Equality is seen as ideal and segregation by race, class or caste is typically seen as inhumane. It's true that not all cultures are the same, but the culture portrayed in this fic feels rather Western, so I'm judging it based on that.

Regardless of how rampant a view of "biologically not human beings don't deserve citizenship regardless of their intelligence" may be in this world, the existence of a vocal group demanding more human treatment for mon seems guaranteed - but those aren't even the ones society should be afraid of. That'd be the massive numbers of intelligent mon with superhuman powers who likely don't like being kicked around and not having the possibility of being actual citizens. I do vaguely recall there being something about influencing chemicals in pokéballs from another work of yours, but even then I can't really bring myself to believe there wouldn't be significant outcry.

If it looks like I've spent a long time thinking of this, it's because my own works contain talking Pokémon alongside humans and I desperately have to try and have that make sense somehow. ;p

Don't worry, I've been thinking a lot on this too, haha. And after hearing about it from a few reviewers now... Well, to be quite frank, I'm not sure why Pokémon not having rights, despite being just as sentient as humans, is such an unbelievable idea.

Before that, though - I'm from the US, so yeah, I'm not surprised there's a Western feel. Equality may be ideal in the US more so than it was years ago, but racism and sexism and the like still run rampant everywhere you look, especially with the growing popularity of the internet. Even if that weren't the case, I'm not writing this with the intent of making the setting Western, if that matters? I write with the mindset that this is a fantasy setting. Because that's what Pokémon is, at its core. The majority of fantasy novels and games seem to have non-human races that strongly resemble humans (mages, elves, whatever) and yet have lesser rights. People don't question that, do they? (Honest question. Maybe they do.) I also have never heard criticism against a fantasy novel creature who doesn't look human at all but is sentient, and yet, still has no rights.

There's also the fact that Pokémon rights are irrelevant to the plot of the fic at hand (for the moment, anyway!), but I'd be interested in a dialogue about this if you are since you're struggling with it also! I think fanfic readers question it particularly for Pokémon because it's a far cry from canon, but even then, I don't believe that's true. There's a clear display of sentience when Pokémon, without proper training you'd have to use on an animal in real life (i.e., teaching a dog to sit on command while using a reward system and the word "sit" as the stimulus), performs an attack on command. Without such conditioning, I think it's safe to assume that the Pokémon has knowledge of what any given attack name entails. Similarly, in canon there's a clear understanding of speech that animals in real life don't have; you have to teach a dog the word "sit" and it will sit, but you can tell a Pokémon any synonym of the word "sit" and it'll just know. Again, no training is needed, and knowledge is a human concept, not a non-human animal concept.

My other thought is... I'd more importantly ask where Pokémon powers even come from. If Pokémon aren't sentient to some degree, then the crazy af Pokédex entries where the apocalypse happens when a Charizard fires a flamethrower suddenly has merit. (That's not an actual entry, but I can't think of one off the top of my head lol.) An animal reacts on fear and instinct, but wild Pokémon simply... can't do that without putting the environment at great risk. If the argument is that legendaries gave them these powers, like Mew, then I don't know if it's a stretch to say that Mew also gave them sentience. Mew, a Pokémon, would have to think and make choices about how to follow through with such creations - AKA, be sentient.

I've toyed with an idea related to evolution - that is, the further along in the evolution line a Pokémon is, the more sentient they become, just like the capabilities of a human brain grow as people get older. But I haven't really fleshed the idea out yet to see if it's viable. Plus, I already shot myself in the foot with all the content written anyway if I went down that route.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't come off as me dismissing the idea. I really have been trying to think about it too, and it's a really steep hill to climb, but! All my fics feature sentient Pokémon to this degree, so if I can come up with a more believable way to portray them, I'd love to figure it out haha.

For a less fundamental critique of talking mon (something I think could be plausibly worked on, which makes me feel less crappy for saying it), I'm not really sold on Annie's ability to understand Kephi almost right away. She later remarks that it may be Kyurem's doing, and I feel like that should have been brought up earlier, as it's currently overwhelmingly the best explanation. I don't think the explanation of Annie's mother having adopted lots of mon really holds up, as it's stated that they haven't had Bug types before (or forgot to learn their lesson given the Sitrus berries), meaning Annie wouldn't be familiar with insectoid takes on human language. However, I think it wouldn't be as odd if Gregory understood Kephi as well. Right now he apparently doesn't, which I don't really get, since he'd known Kephi longer than Annie and is the one that introduced the venipede to her.

Fair enough about bringing it up earlier! Annie's brain is a little scattered, but. Uh. No need to confuse readers unnecessarily with her scatterbrain haha. Anyway, I've always written Pokémon language as, uh, if you understand one Pokémon, you understand them all, because Pokémon all speak the same language. It kinda goes back to the "how similar are Pokémon to real animals" issue, I guess. So the argument was supposed to be that Annie had more experience with Pokémon than Gregory (because Gregory specializes with humans, but can work with Pokémon under his license if he wants), so she understands them and he doesn't. Though... that could be unreliable narration, depending on what the real reason behind it is. ;P

I don't want to give the impression that this is a bad fic. It's definitely not. It's wonderfully written with lots of passion and research gone into it. I'm just the kind of person who's a lot better at explaining why something doesn't work than why something does.

I'm pretty certain that if I had happened to like Annie more, I would have enjoyed this a lot more and put much less weight into the issues I perceived. As it stands, I've experienced a kind of unfortunate domino effect where being unengaged to the lead has made my opinions of other aspects more negative as well. It's hard for me to say how much of what I've said you should realistically consider, being stuck in my own head and all. Right now, I can only really say for sure that I gave my honest opinion.

I do wish you luck with continuing this fic and hope you'll have plenty of readers to enjoy it. I'm kind of disappointed in myself for not being able to give more suggestions or be more helpful, but I hope that there's at least something useful in what I've said. Thanks for reading my wall of text and again, good luck!

I think I said it before, but no worries, really. This was some damn good feedback, and I appreciate it even more after the first read through! Thank you so much!

 

[canisaries]

Anyway, I agree that Gregory vouching for a starter like Kephi is... lacking. My intention was to have him support Kephi being her starter because they both suffer from health issues, but I suppose that doesn't stand up as well as I thought originally?

Yeah, the way it is now kind of makes it seem like just a minor benefit. I think introducing Kephi as a literal monster is what makes it sound so dangerous. If Kephi wasn't brought forward with that kind of image but something more toned down, it'd appear a way better idea.

Annie's not meant to be likeable, so it's hard to make people root for her... a struggle you might understand with Red. ^^; So, I understand this criticism, and you're not the only one who's thought so! Her character in the original was a bit more, uh, witty and smartass-y, so that might help if I try to incorporate that more? Maybe? Seems to be working with Kephi, at any rate!

Well, I kind of got the feel from Annie that she was supposed to be likable? I mean, as said, the concept is that a character has to do this longwinded, difficult thing or die. The audience's engagement to the plot is pretty much entirely hanging on empathy, as if it's someone you don't specifically want to stay alive, the conflict doesn't matter to the reader. It's also a pretty risky move to have both your protagonist and a character as important as Kephi be unlikable.

But there are ways to make the reader root for the protagonist without making them all goody-two-shoes. They can be funny or otherwise entertaining, or the world around them can be made worse than them. They can be put into situations that the average reader sympathises with (I try to make the reader feel a bit for Red by making him go through pain and fear, jury's still out on whether thar works or not). With Annie, though, the world seems rather nice. Her family isn't so much, and that gives her an excuse to be prickly, but there are plenty of nice people she's dismissive of without a given excuse (such as paranoia or something).

I get the comparison with Red in a way, but then again, Red's kind of expected to not be a great guy? The synopsis sets him up as a serial killer. Annie is set up as more of an everyday woman by the synopsis. (I know comparing stories is against forum rules, but I feel like it kind of helps me make my point. And you started it. Wahh.)

I write with the mindset that this is a fantasy setting. Because that's what Pokémon is, at its core. The majority of fantasy novels and games seem to have non-human races that strongly resemble humans (mages, elves, whatever) and yet have lesser rights. People don't question that, do they? (Honest question. Maybe they do.) I also have never heard criticism against a fantasy novel creature who doesn't look human at all but is sentient, and yet, still has no rights.

On the fantasy setting thing, people don't make a big fuss about the poor treatment of non-human races in fantasy literature for a couple of reasons. One is that they're just used to it in the genre (as it's in no way a modern genre, being born around romanticism and taking root in mythology that's existed since the dawn of mankind), and another one is that they know it's not something important within the story. You mentioned mon rights aren't important for your story, which I can get, but for a clearly fantasy-oriented story, that would make more sense. Fantasy literature tends to revolve around world-, magic- and bestiarybuilding along with epic battles, and don't tend to delve too deeply into the characters' psychology. Even the morality is often rather clear cut with forces of good and evil. If you kill orcs, who cares. They were "evil" anyway.

This story is very much individual-focused, meaning that mindset will be present the entire time and the reader will question things that don't quite align with what they get, and if there's no implication that those questions will be addressed, it leaves a kind of unresolved problem in the reader's mind. This is technically a fantasy story, but it comes more across as a human story with some talking animals and futuristic technology in rather than a story about a completely different world with talking fantastical beasts and humans that tame them. At least so far.

Anyway, I've always written Pokémon language as, uh, if you understand one Pokémon, you understand them all, because Pokémon all speak the same language. It kinda goes back to the "how similar are Pokémon to real animals" issue, I guess. So the argument was supposed to be that Annie had more experience with Pokémon than Gregory (because Gregory specializes with humans, but can work with Pokémon under his license if he wants), so she understands them and he doesn't. Though... that could be unreliable narration, depending on what the real reason behind it is. ;P

Okay, so, if all Pokémon speak the same language, Annie understanding Kephi makes sense and is all good, but the thing is that I got the idea this wasn't the case due to this:

“Why don’t you just ask Kephi yourself?”

All I get in response is a raised eyebrow. “Unless you can decipher incessant clacking noises, I fail to see how that’ll help,” Gregory says.

Unless I misunderstood this (which I'm starting to consider), it's implied that Kephi speaks with clacking noises, and that this is the problem for Gregory. It's very hard for me to picture something like a growlithe speaking in clacks, so I assumed it was insect-specific, and I already explained why Annie understanding insects specifically wouldn't make sense.

I think I also got the idea that Pokémon have difficult-to-decipher dialects of human language rather than their own language? Now I'm not sure which one it is... all Pokémon speaking a language shared by them but not humans feels pretty impossible without Pokémon societies or divine intervention, but given the whole story is about divine intervention, I can buy that as an explanation.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Yeah, the way it is now kind of makes it seem like just a minor benefit. I think introducing Kephi as a literal monster is what makes it sound so dangerous. If Kephi wasn't brought forward with that kind of image but something more toned down, it'd appear a way better idea.

All right, noted, thanks!

Well, I kind of got the feel from Annie that she was supposed to be likable? I mean, as said, the concept is that a character has to do this longwinded, difficult thing or die. The audience's engagement to the plot is pretty much entirely hanging on empathy, as if it's someone you don't specifically want to stay alive, the conflict doesn't matter to the reader. It's also a pretty risky move to have both your protagonist and a character as important as Kephi be unlikable.

But there are ways to make the reader root for the protagonist without making them all goody-two-shoes. They can be funny or otherwise entertaining, or the world around them can be made worse than them. They can be put into situations that the average reader sympathises with (I try to make the reader feel a bit for Red by making him go through pain and fear, jury's still out on whether thar works or not). With Annie, though, the world seems rather nice. Her family isn't so much, and that gives her an excuse to be prickly, but there are plenty of nice people she's dismissive of without a given excuse (such as paranoia or something).

I get the comparison with Red in a way, but then again, Red's kind of expected to not be a great guy? The synopsis sets him up as a serial killer. Annie is set up as more of an everyday woman by the synopsis. (I know comparing stories is against forum rules, but I feel like it kind of helps me make my point. And you started it. Wahh.)

Oh, uh, sorry, I didn't mean to directly compare Annie to Red. I meant to say we both struggle with trying to make unlikable characters likable, as authors. ^^; Anyway, I think likable and unlikable are too restricting of terms here, now that I think about it. Annie is meant to come across as deeply flawed, something any reader can relate to on some level, whether they possess her exact flaws or not. Her flaws consume her thoughts and actions, and the depth of them is hard to understand without all the background details, but I've assumed readers could relate to the idea of her not wanting to be vulnerable and not wanting to reveal those secrets. That's where the sympathy would come in, to root for her being vulnerable and feeling less trapped before she dies, if she does... but I think some more positive traits would help cement sympathy for her, to bring about readers caring whether or not she lives or dies. I hope this makes sense?

On the fantasy setting thing, people don't make a big fuss about the poor treatment of non-human races in fantasy literature for a couple of reasons. One is that they're just used to it in the genre (as it's in no way a modern genre, being born around romanticism and taking root in mythology that's existed since the dawn of mankind), and another one is that they know it's not something important within the story. You mentioned mon rights aren't important for your story, which I can get, but for a clearly fantasy-oriented story, that would make more sense. Fantasy literature tends to revolve around world-, magic- and bestiarybuilding along with epic battles, and don't tend to delve too deeply into the characters' psychology. Even the morality is often rather clear cut with forces of good and evil. If you kill orcs, who cares. They were "evil" anyway.

This story is very much individual-focused, meaning that mindset will be present the entire time and the reader will question things that don't quite align with what they get, and if there's no implication that those questions will be addressed, it leaves a kind of unresolved problem in the reader's mind. This is technically a fantasy story, but it comes more across as a human story with some talking animals and futuristic technology in rather than a story about a completely different world with talking fantastical beasts and humans that tame them. At least so far.

Hmm, the fantasy novels I've read have gone into a ton of first person narration by the non-human characters with massive psychological overtones. However, the ones I've read also have not made it seem like a modern human world and they do indeed have their own magic system explanation and all, so... makes sense. Related to the language thing, these non-human characters also have an extensive mode of communication that's explained in the story, which I also don't have here. I don't know, what would you suggest? I understand if you don't have suggestions. But. I get the feeling that I'm not going to be able to fly with suspension of disbelief here, am I? xD

Okay, so, if all Pokémon speak the same language, Annie understanding Kephi makes sense and is all good, but the thing is that I got the idea this wasn't the case due to this:

Unless I misunderstood this (which I'm starting to consider), it's implied that Kephi speaks with clacking noises, and that this is the problem for Gregory. It's very hard for me to picture something like a growlithe speaking in clacks, so I assumed it was insect-specific, and I already explained why Annie understanding insects specifically wouldn't make sense.

I think I also got the idea that Pokémon have difficult-to-decipher dialects of human language rather than their own language? Now I'm not sure which one it is... all Pokémon speaking a language shared by them but not humans feels pretty impossible without Pokémon societies or divine intervention, but given the whole story is about divine intervention, I can buy that as an explanation.

Spoiler: This is probably not surprising at all, so...

I hate to feel like I'm spoiling it, but yeah, divine intervention explains it here for Annie; Kyurem really did do it. But at least the how, or why, remains to be seen, eh?

Then, in that case, humans without the ability to talk to Pokémon would just hear whatever sound a Pokémon's anatomy would allow them to make - in this case, clacking.

Related, I've toyed with the idea with @unrepentantAuthor in another one of my threads to have society not be entirely aware of just how sentient Pokémon are, thus stunting progress on the idea that they get rights, if they do at all. And this would be because Pokémon don't have the ability to communicate with humans and show how sentient they are to humans.

With the divine intervention thing... just thought of this, but it might be plausible to say that the more exposure to Pokémon one gets in their lifetime, the more of the divine energy in the Pokémon slips into the human and allows them to understand all Pokémons' speech. I'm also wondering now if trying to clear this stuff up in the prologue might be useful since it's inevitably going to be upended again anyway.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Don't worry, I've been thinking a lot on this too, haha. And after hearing about it from a few reviewers now... Well, to be quite frank, I'm not sure why Pokémon not having rights, despite being just as sentient as humans, is such an unbelievable idea.

I write with the mindset that this is a fantasy setting. Because that's what Pokémon is, at its core. The majority of fantasy novels and games seem to have non-human races that strongly resemble humans (mages, elves, whatever) and yet have lesser rights. People don't question that, do they? (Honest question. Maybe they do.) I also have never heard criticism against a fantasy novel creature who doesn't look human at all but is sentient, and yet, still has no rights.

Hallo, Kris! Thought I'd weigh in a little as you @'d me.

It's not that it's unbelievable for nonhumans to have limited rights, it's that one generally expects there to be some consequences for it. Your pokémon aren't just sapient, they've got the same cognitive sophistication as humans. It's fine for humans to not wish to grant them equal status, that's plausible, what's frustrating is that your human and pokémon protagonists don't really make much of it. There's no controversy. This is why I suggested the communication barrier be emphasised, as it takes it out of their hands, and explains both the lack of recognition of the issue by humans, and the fact that pokémon aren't pursuing any legal entitlements and protections, to a reasonable extent.

Your comparison to elves misses the mark a little here, as I'm not sure I've ever seen an example of near-human, articulate races being used as pets and in combat sports without anybody in the story calling it out as fucked up. (Which, again, is the issue. People in a setting like that should express discomfort with the status quo from time to time.)

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hallo, Kris! Thought I'd weigh in a little as you @'d me.

It's not that it's unbelievable for nonhumans to have limited rights, it's that one generally expects there to be some consequences for it. Your pokémon aren't just sapient, they've got the same cognitive sophistication as humans. It's fine for humans to not wish to grant them equal status, that's plausible, what's frustrating is that your human and pokémon protagonists don't really make much of it. There's no controversy. This is why I suggested the communication barrier be emphasised, as it takes it out of their hands, and explains both the lack of recognition of the issue by humans, and the fact that pokémon aren't pursuing any legal entitlements and protections, to a reasonable extent.

Your comparison to elves misses the mark a little here, as I'm not sure I've ever seen an example of near-human, articulate races being used as pets and in combat sports without anybody in the story calling it out as fucked up. (Which, again, is the issue. People in a setting like that should express discomfort with the status quo from time to time.)

Ah, thanks for weighing in! I get what you mean, and I think it helped clarify for me what @canisaries was saying too. Hopefully I can deliver when I do get to this point, because as I said, it'll be touched on, just... not on a massive scale, which seems okay if I do indeed go with the communication barrier idea. (It's still my favorite idea right now.) We're only four chapters in, so! Someday(TM). Anyway, thanks again.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I put this fic on hold to finish Flying in the Dark, then blitzed several chapters for NaNoWriMo 2019. Now we're back in the editing/posting business.

LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES

chapter 5
one foot in front of the other
*​

The gods embody complacent, tight-lipped creatures… usually. But Kyurem? In my comatose dream he howled, each word oozing with vulnerability and bordering on hysteria.

Some of his spiel overflowed with melodrama, I know now. Obtaining foreign pokémon is going to be much, much easier than he implied. One trip to Jubilife’s Global Trade Station, and a fair portion of his instructions for me will have been exhausted already.

Up ahead is a towering building designated for cross-region trading, attached to the city’s comparatively modest Center. Anyone parading around Johto with a murkrow and its soft spot for shiny things and thievery can ship the bird off to Sinnoh and rid themselves of the nuisance, just like that. No doubt this will be far more productive than Sandgem’s library venture.

Fliers are plastered all over the building’s windows, depicting maps of other regions and recounting the story of the local Nurse Joy’s trusty blissey, a partnership that wouldn’t have existed without the GTS. Kephi rubs his antennae on the bricks, then slimes his way upward to tear at the corner of another poster advertising a snow festival that took place back in February. Apparently, there was an ice sculpture contest, where the winner made off with the latest pokétch model. Kephi rips halfway through a stratus cloud and is about to reach a cryogonal 3D model when I pull him off.

“What, you got a vendetta against ice-types for some reason?” I say.

“A type I’m not even weak against? Yeah, right. I wanted a snack. You don’t know what a feeding schedule is, it seems.”

“And you don’t know the difference between food and paper.”

Nate, the perpetually tongue-tied snivy, gauges us with a level stare a few feet away. His body is still except for the occasional twitch of his leaf-shaped tail. Such impassiveness reminds me of Gregory, who would probably flunk me on this mission if Nate or Kephi had a say in any performance report.

In a way they both determine the success or failure of my journey regardless. So I play along. “Anyway, uh, what did your old trainer do for you?” I ask.

“You remember where I ended up. Where you found me,” he says. “What a fucking stupid question.”

I wince. It hadn’t occurred to me until now that Gregory was Kephi’s main caretaker while I prepared for my journey. He didn’t instruct me on food preparation for pokémon, only myself. As if that were knowledge I should’ve acquired on my own time alongside everything else on my plate, or known instinctively.

The five day trek from Sandgem to Jubilife hadn’t embraced bonfire camping where we sat in a circle and shared ghost stories over too-charred chicken kebabs and smores for dessert. Nate feasted on his own; Gregory claimed there was no reason to worry about him. I assumed that Kephi did the same when he refused my charity and failed to broach the subject otherwise.

I regret not questioning the nurse on duty when we rented our room an hour ago. Diving into the cafeteria after making sure the keycard worked wouldn’t have been a bad idea, either. Because now that we’ve reached the city, I suppose Nate and Kephi have no choice but to depend on me for food.

“Okay,” I say. “Okay, just give me ten minutes in here, and we’ll find a café to settle in at after.”

“I’m holding you to it.”

“Have I already made a bunch of promises to you I haven’t kept? Or are you just automatically distrustful of others?”

“Humans tend to lose track of time. Eagerly, I might add,” he says, with a sneer for good measure. Nate holds a slim arm to his stomach as if in agreement.

Inside, a boy is bent over his plush couch seat near the far left wall, grooming his snubbull. One hand is occupied with a bristle brush and the other clutches a purple ribbon to attach once the chore is done. Beyond them is a working escalator also hugging the walls. It must lead to a set of shops, judging by the plastic bags that multiple trainers have trouble juggling on their way back to the main floor. Supplies to take care of their new partners, perhaps?

Standing at the other end of the GTS building, a receptionist on duty looks rattled at the line of trainers before her. She yells for them to have their pokédex and trainer card ready to scan, but she’s drowned out by a cacophony of distracted voices. You’d think a festival was taking place, what with all the activity here.

I’m a tad dizzied myself. From my perspective, there’s dozens of Sinnohan words spoken by pokémon hovering about, left unanswered. The crowd’s likely full of rookies, sprinkled with a few badge holders who need more experience still. If a trainer replies, their lack of understanding shows.

A buizel’s tail spins out of rhythm as it stomps its foot to emphasize a point, and I feel sorry for it when its trainer, a girl flipping through a magazine about evolution, revels over how she can’t wait to own the pokémon equivalent of a lifeguard. The buizel wants its trainer to know that evolution sounds terrible, and I want my parents to view me as anything except a young adult prone to childish tantrums. What’s the difference?

I open my mouth as I pass by these unknowing trainers, to straighten things out, to bridge the gap between pokémon and trainer, but it’s pointless.

As we reach the last trainer in line, who, like everybody else, is waiting to register their information internationally, a giant infographic poster on the back wall catches my eye. Immediately my mood sours and rivals even Kephi’s natural state of being.

Only trainers with proven skills and experience with pokémon—three badges’ worth, specifically—can take advantage of the GTS. Jubilife isn’t even part of the gym circuit, nor is it convenient to travel to mid-journey. Whose brilliant design was this?

Kephi snickers and says, “Can’t get rid of me that easily, asshole. Nice try.”

At the same time, the receptionist laughs a delirious laugh, her pigtails held by a blue satin scrunchie bouncing from the force of it. As if she were covering for an awkward joke a customer made, or trying to compensate for a complaint about her grumpiness. Feeling mocked, I curse her silently.

“Like I’d trade my starter,” I say to Kephi. I bend down to gather him up in my arms, and his subsequent hiss attracts a few looks. Holding up my hands in surrender, I add in a quiet but audible voice, “I wanted to get you a teammate so we’re not overwhelmed once we start training and battling. I’d find something catchable people want in return for something we want, and it’d be a win-win situation. Except I need badges first, apparently.”

“Nor do you want to wait a whopping six months before you can ship it through the technological ether, I imagine.”

“Wait, what?”

“I guess you didn’t reach that part of the reading lesson yet. I’ll leave you to it.”

And so he slinks off toward the opposite end of the wall, which dons the same poster but in four other languages. The bottom of the Kaloseux version is covered by a leather reception chair, most likely swiveled away from its proper spot by some prankster ghost-type. Its partner in crime probably left the slash in the seat cushion, then scattered some stuffing across the linoleum floor, too. Kephi ignores the mess, though he could easily add to it with his signature slime. He takes advantage of the space under the chair instead. It’s just big enough for him to fit and hide from the world.

Humans talking to pokémon isn’t a complete anomaly, but a pokémon who can read is. Even if Kephi can read, truly, the viewing angle his hunchbacked self had of the poster was all wrong. So no, he had to learn the information from someone else.

Perhaps Kephi isn’t hiding from the world—just me, who forced him to reminisce about his old trainer. Again.

I sigh and glance at Nate. “Well, let’s see what other hurdles I’d have to jump over, then.”

He nods in approval—the first positive sign I’ve detected from him since we partnered up.

It’s inconvenient for me, but I can appreciate the rules being strict. If you own an endangered species, or one near threatened in their native habitat, you have to prove the everyday environmental conditions it’ll experience in your care are adequate. This way, ice-types won’t land in the heart of Cinnabar without their trainer taking precautions first.

Breeders and trainers who wish to expand their team of six require a license to ensure that each pokémon is both physically and mentally taken care of. If they want to maintain their license, they have to be examined annually. And before a baby can be adopted, before a pet or battle-ready pokémon can be traded, six months must pass and the owner must write a letter to the League expressing all the reasons why they should be given permission to seal the deal.

There’s no reason to loiter here, but another heading at the bottom of the poster catches my eye: trading pokémon meat, bones, skin, body parts… The logical part of me knows that these caveats are geared toward the restaurant industry, museums, research laboratories, the like. But I find myself shivering at the image of Kephi’s old trainer, a shapeless silhouette in my ignorant mind, amputating the venipede’s antennae because they failed to work when he needed them to.

I agree with the League. I shouldn’t have the right to pluck a pokémon out of its home just to send it to a different region. Whether Kephi himself should’ve been entrusted to me is still up in the air.

Without meaning to, I break into a light jog so I can reach Kephi as fast as I can. Nate lags behind on his digitless feet. My hemiparesis warns me to slow down, my mind reassuring me, too, that there’s no particular time limit on us warming up to each other. Inside and out, I feel the kind of fuzziness you get when standing in place too long and your limbs need to wake up again.

The tears in the reception chair look unsalvageable up close. Kephi’s antennae poke out from his hidey hole, where unsuspecting souls can step on them and provoke him into making use of his poison glands.

“Hm, I wonder where Kephi could be,” I say, a mocking lilt to my voice. Then, the weight of our situation crash-landing onto my body, already exhausted from imitating normalcy, I drop the charade. “You shouldn’t have let me walk in here. At all.”

Silence. I hope the din of the crowd around us isn’t preventing us from hearing each other, but at last he says, “Yeah, it’s my fault.”

“No, that’s not—”

“I wanted to see what you were up to. You’re hard to read.”

He’s one to talk. But my own silence dominates the conversation now.

A few people passing by turn their head toward me, their eyes scrunched up as if searching for the translucent ghost-type I must have. What other kind of trainer seemingly babbles at inanimate objects, walls, the air itself? Nate, practically invisible, does little to dispel the onlookers’ incredulity.

“Besides,” Kephi says suddenly, “what could I have done to trump the Nurse Joy who blabbed about this place like it’s worth all the emeralds in the world?”

“Yeah, her enthusiasm was a bit much. The staff team must benefit nicely compared to any other Center in Sinnoh based on location alone.”

“Obviously. They’re the ones who scan pokémon from head to toe or whatever fucked up anatomy applies before giving the go ahead to trade.”

“Maybe I should become a nurse, and that’s how I’ll make money,” I say. My voice betrays my lack of perceptiveness. Still struggling to entirely grasp the intelligence that pokémon are capable of, I feel extra sorry for those with ignorant trainers. Not that I’m a role model of any kind, nor do I aspire to be one. I also feel a pang of envy for the trainers themselves and their permission, their excuse, to be carefree.

“I’m no blissey, but I’m in if it means constant access to food,” Kephi says. With his newfound lightness he crawls out from under the chair. He ogles Nate hopefully, but the snivy doesn’t confirm his food hypothesis. “Bah, fine. Gregory will tell me.”

The duo, almost in unison, starts shifting their heads this way and that—looking for the exit, I presume.

“All right, come on, we can go,” I say, wishing that this meant the day was over. “You never have to see this place again if you don’t want to, Kephi.”

“I don’t want to. So you better not change your mind once you get some gym badges under your belt.”

Badges. He thinks I want badges? I’m about to interrogate him about it, that’s how much of a revelation his statement is to me—and the day’s events have included one surprise after the other—but he’s already slinked off on his own. Straight into another trainer in his careless temper, no less. I hear Nate gasp and interpret that to be his way of sounding an alarm. I size up the trainer when she doesn’t skirt around Kephi and carry on with her day.

She’s new. That much is obvious, what with the chimchar dancing at her feet and the keen grin characteristic of overly confident youth fresh from Professor Rowan’s lab. The snapback cap, donning the League logo and tilted on her head, offers an extra air of smugness. Breaking eye contact with Kephi, she turns to Nate, then me, and her face stretches even further. It occurs to me that she might feel superior, being younger and with the type advantage. I refuse to blink, but, apparently seasoned, she stands undeterred.

“Go on, scram now,” I say. “Sorry he got in the way, but your lingering’s creeping me out.”

“Well,” she starts slowly, “I thought he was approaching me because he was interested, but…”

“But what? That’s illegal, and we’re in a public space?”

The girl gives up on our staring contest in favor of cringing. So she’s not the youngest in the room, but old enough to not take the bait and cause a ruckus over my off-color comment. If Kephi himself is perplexed by my attempt at practicing his sense of humor, he doesn’t show it.

“Your poor pokémon,” she says, shaking her head. “I meant interested in a battle!”

I dig my left hand deep into my jeans pocket, hoping to smother the pervasive tingling sensation traveling up to my wrist. The girl takes a half step back, nearly tripping over the loose rip at the cuffs of her own jeans. Might I have another, unenlarged pokéball hiding, one whose contents would add to her lost battle count? This kind of tension is enjoyable, so I leave her in suspense.

She reaches up with her own hand, fingernails painted sky blue with white polka dots, and wipes her blonde bangs away. It’s at this point Kephi decides to intervene. Closing the distance between the chimchar and him, he declares, “You’re on, dude.”

Then the venipede looks up at me, his expression somehow both hopeful and threatening. He’s so small, I’m afraid he’ll break his neck doing that so often. I’m afraid, too, I admit, of losing and watching the last fringes of our self-esteem dissolve. Not to mention whatever sliver of respect we may or may not have for each other.

I’ve got a tall order in front of me, trying not to make him feel not so small. But we can’t just jump in blindly. Nate and Gregory would agree, but Kephi…

Well. One foot in front of the other.

I take a deep breath and say, “Sorry, pipsqueak. I appreciate the challenge, but I’d rather not set the building on fire and have to pay reparations.”

“What?” Kephi hisses. “She’s a rookie and I’ve got experience! Or did you forget that? Can’t get it through your thick skull?”

His rage is obvious, even to the girl. She glances at her chimchar, whose mouth hangs agape, perhaps impressed by the bug-type’s fiery spirit.

I bend down to Kephi’s level and say, “Look, she’s challenging us because of the type advantage. Like you’ll be an easy win for her. Give in to that, and you’re letting others control you. Besides,” I add, amazed at the lack of interruption this far into the conversation, “we haven’t trained together at all yet. Clobbering the wildlife on our way here doesn’t count, since you did that independently.”

I hold my breath for a quiet surrender, but no such luck.

“Huh. You’re giving up after the first real obstacle in your journey already. You better not be a dropout in a few weeks, joining all the other kids who realize training’s not as fucking extravagant as they thought it’d be.”

If only he knew about the assortment of invisible obstacles in my way. But I can’t answer him candidly, not with our audience here. I hold my palm up to prompt him to stop, and his voice dissolves into an indignant gurgle.

“Again, we’ll pass,” I say to the girl.

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

“All right, then fork it over,” she says. Her grin returning, she holds out her hand. The annoyance from the tollbooth situation yesterday flares up. This can’t be a gesture trainers are meant to see daily.

“Excuse me?”

“Losers pay winners. Since you declined, well, you’re a loser by default.”

“Come on, just let me fight,” Kephi says. He wraps his antennae around my shoe and squeezes in a strange, futile attempt to change my mind.

“Surely the League didn’t devise such as a stupid rule that allows you to rip people off so handily,” I say. I motion to Nate, whose face is simultaneously inscrutable and judgmental. If this is a test he wants me to complete alone, I am bound to fail.

“Hey, not my fault,” the girl says. “How old are you that you don’t know this stuff? Anyway, you owe me five rubies.”

It’s a modest sum for a scam, so maybe she isn’t lying. But I don’t have time to dwell on her shenanigans when the tempest that is Kephi possesses the pervasive ability to make my head swim, unable to tread. Forget Gregory and Nate’s little experiment. My starter’s switching between squeezing my shoes and my ankles. If he could access his full strength, would he succeed in cutting off my circulation? Treating him as if he has that power is what he wants, I suspect.

“I hope your ass gets handed to you in your next real battle,” I say, scrambling for five rubies in my backpack and shoving them into the girl’s hand. Two miss their mark and clatter to the ground. Her chimchar moves to rescue the so-called prize as I sweep Kephi into the crook of my arms and ditch the cursed GTS building.

Contrary to what Kephi thinks, I doubt we’ll be coming back. I might as well circle back to my parent’s house when I get the urge to to bask in a miserable place.

“Put me down!” I hear Kephi’s demand, but he sounds farther away than he actually is. “If only I could be rid of you!”

Outside, there’s an empty green metal bench I sit on, careful to avoid the bird droppings hogging the left side. Nate, seemingly accustomed to bodily filth, plops down without concern. I set Kephi on the grass and marvel at the way his weight, unnoticeable in my arms, flattens the blades beneath him.

“Sorry, but I really couldn’t have handled our first battle right then and there,” I say.

“Sounds like a personal problem. I’m used to thinking on my feet, you know.”

Is he, though? He seems the type to resort to emotions before logical reasoning. Yet a neglectful old trainer can, if nothing else, be successful in breeding an independent pokémon prone to the fight-or-flight response.

“Okay,” he says when I don’t answer him. “Okay.”

“Uh, okay, yeah. I’m glad you get it.”

Suddenly he opens his mouth wide. I swear I can see the gob of poison forming in his throat before he spits it out at me. I jolt out of my seat and sidestep him easily as a result, but not without bumping shoulders with a passerby woman who, for some reason, is wearing a scarf wrapped tightly around her neck like it’s still winter.

Winter.

A flashing thought, uninvited but resolute: It would have been simpler, kinder, if Kyurem had let me die.

A second thought to drown out the first and ground me to the present moment: Did Kephi mean to hit or miss his mark?

“Good speed, sort of,” he says. “You should train more, do the battling yourself. I’ll be the trainer. Our personalities are more suited to those roles, don’t you think?”

“I… I’m sure that’s how it works somewhere in the world.”

As usual, Kephi resists my attempt to lighten the mood. “Fuck logistics. Leave that to the League. I just want to battle, and you took my opponent away, so do you want to be my opponent?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Right here, right now.”

Nate’s slight, ear-catching gasp makes me want to throttle something. Why won’t he intervene if he’s so disturbed?

The pity in my voice seeps out without me meaning for it to. “We’re still in public, Kephi,” I say.

“You’re underestimating me. It’s my condition right? That’s what stopped you?”

So he saw right through me. Not that I think the rationale I proposed to him is unreasonable, but as far as avoiding a battle with an inexperienced trainer goes, well, the paths my logic could follow were rather limited.

“To be fair, I really don’t know all your—our—strengths and limitations yet. But yes, fine, that was my first thought. I’m sorry.”

The hump on his back expands, then contracts again in one long, drawn breath. “Okay,” he says. “Now that you’ve been honest, let me make one thing clear.”

“I’m listening.”

“If you ever underestimate me again, I’ll kill you.”

He wouldn’t. His threat, it has to be empty, a power play and a byproduct of his grudge toward the world. Then again, how well do I know him? Not at all, clearly, given my constant failure to appease him ever since Professor Rowan officiated my initiation to become a trainer.

I want to retreat into my mind, the usual coping mechanism I resort to. But he’s lodged another poison sting at me before I can check out. My body instinctively reacts, darts to the right. The gob of sludge lands in a nearby pile of camellia bushes, followed by a slight cry.

Interestingly enough, Kephi’s muscles tense up at the sound. This could be my chance for… something—I don’t know what, but my body and my mind are in agreement that we should pursue it. I remind myself that Gregory had told me to keep sudden, speedy movements to a minimum and force myself to only walk toward the bushes.

Up close, Kephi’s unintended target blends in with the deep pink flower petals, except the cherubi is missing a bouquet of yellow stamen. And its second head is bruised purple, a surefire sign of poison.

Cherubi, they’re native to Sinnoh. I can’t deny my disappointment, or the shame I feel because that’s my first thought. More practically, I recognize the pokémon as a grass-type, which leaves it extra vulnerable to high toxicity levels. I watch with uncertainty as the cherubi sobs pitifully, its second head throbbing with greater intensity as the moments pass.

“Kephi, come here,” I say, motioning him over. His eyes are glued to the ground, his carapace rigid. Still, I don’t have to prod him twice. Shaking his head, he scuttles on over and through the bushes. His legs leave sharp imprints in the soil and a few serrated leaves drag along his back before rattling back into place.

“It’s a cherubi,” I tell him. Then I finally turn to address the victim of circumstance. “You all right, little guy?”

It begins to mumble an answer, its voice feminine and high-pitched—because of the pain? No, she has female markings, a shorter stripe between her eyes than a male would. Not expecting me to understand her, she turns to Kephi and asks, “Was that your poison?”

“Yeah,” Kephi says with the slightest of stammers. Then his triumphant self takes the stage. “Yeah, it was. Feels terrible, don’t it?”

I’m about to set in motion another lecture when another, greater—riskier, to be sure, but greater if I can reap the reward I want—idea slaps my mouth shut. My new plan gambles on my suspicions about Kephi and how he doesn’t, in fact, have the capacity of a killer. To avoid seeming heartless or as if I’m bluffing, the cherubi should continue to believe I can’t hear her pleas, only Kephi’s protests, which, from her perspective, I can decipher from his body language. And I have to utilize my well-practiced poker face.

I silently promise that I’ll make it right at the end, or intervene if necessary. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time… I know the rotten feeling all too well.

Looking behind us, I see how Nate’s swivelled around on the bench to watch and listen. His eyes are clouded, feasibly weary from traveling alongside two disasters. I have to choose my words carefully and not alert Nate to any commotion that will further tank his impression of me.

“Lucky you, Kephi, when we still haven’t gotten you any food,” I say. “You’d hunt grass-types in the wild, right? Let’s save us some money. Here’s your lunch.”

As I’d hoped, the venipede’s eyes widen, overshadowing his heavy lids. They shrink into a formidable glare. “You can’t be serious,” he says.

“Why not?” I say, shrugging. My own nonchalance stuns me.

“Wait—” The cherubi, she stops herself again after forgetting for a moment the futility of addressing me. In a few more moments things will be okay again and I’ll beg for forgiveness and I’ll move on with my life whether or not my wish is granted.

Sometimes it really is that simple.

“Why not?” Kephi repeats in a mocking tone. “I’m no feral, and I’m not a wild ‘mon looking to prove its worth to you! Nor are we stranded and have no other choice! You can feed me like a normal trainer.”

“Come on, I don’t wanna blow all my money on food in Jubilife. Just go for the easy meal.”

“I—”

“Trainers with a safe supply saved up are scarce, you know. I’m not one of them. And with little girls and their chimchars parading around Sinnoh, my wallet will wear out quick.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have become a fucking trainer, then!”

Kephi couldn’t be more right on that point. Or maybe pokémon shouldn’t be competent enough to fathom the complexities of human society. “Too late,” I mumble, too low to be heard. Then louder, assertive: “Are you going to eat or not?”

The real question is, is he going to kill or not? Bending down, I glide my fingers across the coarse grass. I pull a few blades and rub them between my fingers, until they fall away and Kephi has not moved. The cherubi is equally frozen, fusing herself with the background so completely that a feral, even at this distance, would lose track of her. My breath hitches, relinquishing itself to the inescapable stillness.

Scowling, Kephi finally plunges into the undergrowth. My diaphragm trembles, spasms. I clutch my ribcage and wait for my breathing to ease back into the involuntary process it’s supposed to be when I have pokémon vying for my attention. When I go to scan the cherubi’s body and figure out how much the poison’s spread in the last several minutes, her camouflage briefly tricks me. It’s the ugly pulsing purple consuming her second head that gives her away.

“Don’t waste anymore energy,” I tell her. As I move to rest on my knees and retrieve the sole bottle of antidote from my backpack, the cherubi drops her facade. She thrusts the petals on her heads forward—a feeble leafage attack that earns her a bald appearance and nothing else. She whines and whines, her potent vocal cords providing the last viable show of distress that might elicit mercy from her enemy.

“Shh, no! Look, I’m going to heal you,” I say, my words stumbling over each other. All I want is for Nate to remain blissfully ignorant of the situation. For that to happen, the cherubi needs to hush. In my rush to find the antidote bottle, Nate’s pokéball rolls out, its mossy color contrasting with the bright camellia bushes.

I grapple with the bottle topper. Between its skull and crossbones label, one hand disobeying me, and the cherubi’s lamentations, I can’t move fast enough. “It’s fine now,” I say. Whether I’m reassuring myself or the cherubi, or both of us, is undecided. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I just wanted to see…”

Miraculously and doomingly, the cherubi quiets down to listen to my explanation. As if there is one that’s sensible. Something tells me that the truth would not suffice: Hey, I made terrible life choices and suffered a coma as punishment, and then I was rescued by the ice god Kyurem, who you may or may not worship as a grass-type, so now, I’m responsible for an undetermined team of pokémon that inevitably will have deep seated psychological problems I’ll have to uncover if I want to live past age twenty-five…

I might’ve just made progress by uncovering one thing. Kephi wants strength and control. His definition for those doesn’t include killing. The toughness, the threats, they’re a protective front.

The cherubi whispers to herself, “Is she really going to heal me?”

She reminds me just how self-absorbed I am. I cup my fingers around her tiny, weightless body, then tilt her carefully so I can properly view her second head. Shivering under my touch, the cherubi whines—this time not from helplessness, but from sheer pain.

I can fix this, fix her. Maybe I can’t fix anything else right now, or ever, but this is something I can do, at least.

After gently prodding the cherubi to drink the antidote, a clear and sticky liquid that reminds me of cough medicine, the effects are near instantaneous. Her bruises first dissipate into purple veins, followed by a normal fuchsia color and a relieved expression on both heads. I hold her in silence until she reaches one hundred percent. Even if my starter is using this as an opportunity to slip away from me permanently, I have no regrets.

Another minute passes before the cherubi hops out of my hand, good as new. She takes several steps backward while keeping an eye on me. She’s afraid of me still, and justifiably so. But then she thinks better of it and, with her second head covered by the bushes already, nods to me. That’s her way of saying thank you, I think, so I nod back. My voice has abandoned me completely or else I’d spill my guts to her.

The heat of the day catches up with me as I stagger back to Nate. Or perhaps that’s only adrenaline revolting against me for putting it to work, again, when trainers like me should relax within city walls before tackling the next stretch of wilderness. Relaxing on a cleaner section of the bench, at least, is Nate, with a dark lump lying beneath him. It strikes me like an unwanted phone call that that’s Kephi sleeping and allowing Nate to perch so close. As a grass-type, isn’t the snivy afraid? Why are those two on good terms now, anyway? Surely I can’t be the only one afraid and lost in the face of seemingly insurmountable situations.

“Whatever,” I say, to neither of them. “We’re done. Gregory’s mission is done, and I failed.”

Writing the day’s events in my journal, as Gregory asked me to, would take another couple hours that I just don’t have the energy for. The muscles in my hand could take it, but not the liar in me, who has to spin a spiderweb to avoid the truth and cast herself in a favorable light.

Fiddling with my pokédex, I wish it could spell out the knowledge I need to make this journey work. What is a venipede’s average weight or a snivy’s egg classification supposed to do for me? And the diet facts are too broad, or else they could have helped me earlier.

Before dialing Gregory, I resolve not to mention the intermittent tingling sensations in my body. He’s already wasted time perfecting my posture and movements for the exercises I should do as necessary. It’s not his fault if I don’t comply, and I don’t deserve his fretting over me.

The conversation is quick. I claim that I kept up with my journal as best I could, until I lost my only pen in the middle of Route 202, and no other trainer I passed by had thought to carry one. Oh, and it turns out that I was scammed by the little girl and her chimchar—when the power balance between trainers is too uneven, either side is free to decline without penalty, including gym leaders. I’d have five more rubies to my name if I’d just admitted Kephi’s experience to her. Nate’s been great, well-behaved, et cetera. And no, we didn’t run into any real trouble.

He’ll pick up Nate later this evening, and my journal. After that, would he hunt me down if I tried to cut contact with him completely? The urge to find out is overwhelming.

It’s probably not a coincidence that Kephi’s awake and fully alert once me and Gregory hang up. I wonder what chaos has to happen now, but just for a moment. The answer is all too obvious.

“Let’s finally go get you, like, a massive steak. Or whatever you’re in the mood for,” I say. “You must be starving.”

 

[kintsugi]

okay! I have many Thoughts about the future chapters but I keep putting them off, so here's a quick collection of reactions to the first chapter at least!

Everything always turns out to be piercing and exhausting and terrible.

It's piercing and exhausting and terrible

dual repetition here didn't really work for me -- it's not particularly striking enough to be a refrain, I guess? Piercing implies exhausting, and exhausting and piercing are both terrible I think. There's also not much to be gained by the second repetition here; a stroke is bad and feels bad.

I stood with the kid afterward, both of us shaken up and confused. We watched the black, quiet surf carry the sand, white as sugar, as it washed over our feet and rooted us in place. After that night, I wondered if the light in that kid’s eyes would stay gone forever.

I think this is new? Really liked this bit! I wonder if the kid will be important?

Also hello I missed your prose; it's really gorgeous. Particularly striking was the black surf, sugar-white sand, the ocean rooting you in place. Definitely painted the picture really well.

“Was that your biggest problem before?” he asks. He smiles genuinely, sadly, pulling over a cushioned chair from nearby. He places it the wrong way, his elbows resting on the backrest. “We found out about your smoking habit through blood tests, saliva tests...”

Felt like a bit of a non-sequitur? Smoking is objectively bad and it makes sense that a medical professional would say this, but it feels like it's answering a different question than Annie's "haha who would've thought kids are supposed to just worry about school?"

I want to tell him he’d fit in better at an office job, where he could be boring in all the right ways.

this line felt very on-brand!

This project has been interesting to me since it's a slow-burn -- and unlike a lot of your older projects it doesn't really pretend to be anything else; the journey isn't important here; Annie is. I like how you cut straight to developing characters. Kyurem's there, but in the background, and we get time to understand who these people are before the actual story takes place.

On my first read I definitely felt a bit like Annie towards the end though--

I know nothing, and I feel like I’m nothing. Maybe I am nothing. I just want to know what’s happening, and what’s going to happen from here on out. I want to be… anything.

Anything at all.

like by the end of this chapter + the prologue, a lot has happened, but it was hard to understand what direction things were going to go in. In a sense I think that's liberating, and you definitely put that extra flexibility to good use in the future chapters, but without that context things feel a little lost? Dunno.

But also! The prose is good and I trusted it to take me to a good place, heh.

 

[diamondpearl876]

LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES​

chapter 6
now’s your time

*​

I wake up the next morning in the middle of some dream about slime. A rubdown of the Center’s satin pillow sheets assures me of a cleaner reality. The houndstooth pattern makes it difficult to search by sight alone, and anyway, my eyes are still adjusting to the windows’ spilled sunlight.

Part of me is shocked. It’d be just like Kephi, to cover my bed in slime when I’m defenseless—especially after yesterday’s fiascos.

Yesterday… It’s funny how my biggest worry then was his propensity for killing. Well, he’s missed his chance several times now.

When my eyes can function properly, I search the room for Kephi. Immediately my gaze settles on the door and the fire escape plan next to it. Camping on Route 202 with my cheap mummy sleeping bag meant that unless I cleared the fallen branches and pinecones to settle against some tree trunks, all sides of me were exposed. But I’ve gone back to my natural state of facing myself toward the door when sleeping, it seems.

Renee, being an early riser, used to sneak into my bedroom to borrow clothes she’d never return, or she’d jumpscare me as payback for snoozing past noon and leaving her no one to play with. The obvious solution to my twelve-year-old body was to become a light sleeper and not keep my back to the door. That way I would awaken to the slightest of sounds, her moving shadow.

Will I have to take precautions with Kephi, too? Only if I keep demoting him to my afterthoughts. Besides, there’s a more important question hovering over me: Will I learn, really learn, that he’s more than an obligation?

Again I feel the abrupt need to find him, run after him if I have to. In a way it’s more unnerving than my hemiparesis. I pivot this way and that, scanning the room for any sign of him. The tray of complimentary toiletries on the dresser is untouched. So is the stack of plastic water cups, the tissue box, the phone book…

This is not the room of a restless, vengeful venipede. For a split second I contemplate the notion that he’s not here. He’s escaped me somehow, without ruckus because silence hurts more. And he’s not coming back. There’s no compelling reason for him to be loyal.

Then—there’s the tiniest view of his hunchback rising and falling underneath the love seat in the far corner where the windows are. The pinch-pleat curtains, I see now, are pulled back after I’d made a point to close them last night lest the sunrise woke me. I smile at his subtle trick, then make a mental note to check the bottom of the curtains for slime before handing in the room’s cardkey today.

Today, yes, because I’ve decided already that Jubilife’s got nothing left to offer. Okay, maybe the string of GTS disappointments stung deeper than I’ll admit. But the city reeks of booming businesses every which way regardless—for example, promises of a new pokétch model release next month when the current one is less than a year old and a dozen large screens surrounding Sinnoh’s TV network headquarters, each displaying a different channel with subtitles only... All of it, I’d gamble, belongs to the invisible business of manipulation and greed.

I quietly practice the exercises that Gregory taught me while I’m free from prying, judgmental eyes. When Kephi wakes, he doesn’t object to my plan. I didn’t think he’d mind straying farther away from memories of his old trainer. The matter of being dropped and locked into Professor Rowan’s little playpen of unwanted pokémon can’t be pleasant to look back on, either.

So we get breakfast first thing—much to Kephi’s delight—and we pay our dues. Then we wind our way down streets named using words too sugary for me: Glee Street, Festive Avenue, Mirthful Boulevard. How did the City of Joy manage to avoid working its magic on the one day I could’ve used it?

Nothing to be done about it except try to start over. Again.

*

It takes but two hours for me to find a compelling reason to appreciate Jubilife.

Unlike the city, Route 203 is overgrown. The League’s city divisions are responsible for clearing dangerous battle remnants—a half-toppled tree here, an unnatural rock formation there—and maintaining trainer trails, but inspectors are either slacking or falsifying reports for some reason. It’s as if Jubilife’s cash flow can’t sacrifice a single silver for conservation work. The hardworking residents of Oreburgh who braved the mountainous terrain to help build Jubilife from scratch centuries ago would be ashamed.

Personally, I could do without the scrapes on my legs from all the plant thorns jutting out. And ducking under low branches every couple minutes. Up ahead I even see a series of stray logs we’ll need to work ourselves around, all of them half-covered in moss and cloakless burmy bumbling about. I’m so focused on the obstacle ahead that I don’t notice a hanging string shot web in front of me and let out an embarrassing squeal. Kephi giggles from somewhere in the underbrush.

At least the weather forecast was right for once. There’s not a cloud anywhere, letting the sun beat down with full strength. There’s no wind, either, to carry smells of pollution out of the city. So I’d been eager to wear my untouched athletic shorts, which I’d bought before the stroke hit in anticipation of all the outdoor adventures that spring and summer usher in. The warmer seasons were perfect for leaving the house day after day without my parents demanding explanations.

My parents... The thought of them reminds me that I’ve never quite known how to balance my inner and outer surroundings, either. I’m barely human material after two decades on this earth, in fact. Do I have any right to criticize Jubilife?

Despite that, I’m a tad miffed when, fifteen minutes later, we notice a sign with “leave no trace” instructions, and steps to report damages done outside of designated battlefields. There’s a map to show where these battlefields are, along with more toll stations, rest areas where traveling salesmen can meet you if you’re low on supplies, phone boxes, campgrounds…

I’m more interested in seeing how far we’ve walked when a purple flash speeds past my peripheral vision. It comes from the overflowing trash receptacles behind the sign, but there’s only stillness in the direction I think it fled to.

“Was that you, Kephi?” I call out. Though his lack of agility makes for an obvious answer, perhaps he’ll take my question as a compliment.

“No,” Kephi calls back, distractedly. “I think I know what it might be, though. Let’s hope I’m wrong.”

“That’s, uh, ominous.” I imagine the beastly Kyurem accosting us briefly, then shake my head. As if a legendary pokémon would be so tiny, and the colors are wrong. Probably it’s another poison-type, and Kephi can sense its maliciousness or that its attacks would be potent enough to hurt him.

“Just keep walking, unless you were planning to throw yourself in the trash where you belong,” he says.

Before I can take a step, there’s the purple flash again, zipping back and forth until it successfully knocks over the garbage cans. Their lids clang to the ground, flushing a bland brown and white bird out of the surrounding cedar trees. The purple flash lets out a shriek as a mountain of trash threatens to pin it to the ground, but it escapes and the route radiates a false sense of calmness again.

The newfound smell of rotten food mixed with mildew from wet, broken down cardboard boxes isn’t pleasant. I plug my nose and scan the area, afraid to move and afraid to stay lest the purple flash lunge at me next. Some glass potion bottles with leftovers inside catch my eye. Snatching them would save me more than a couple rubies down the road. If only I could—

The purple flash appears and claims the bottles for itself before I can get my thoughts in order. It mutters the word “shiny” again and again, enthused and indifferent to my presence. One good look at the now stationary pokémon tells me that it’s not from around here. At best I can tell that it’s catlike and capable of walking on two legs. Plus other useless information—cream fur patches, sharp emerald green eyes, and pink eyebrows dark enough to blend in if they weren’t comically large.

My inability to name the species before me is short-lived. I inhale sharply, wanting to freeze time and concoct a plan to add the purrloin to my team. Kephi acted like a huge threat was looming, but how much damage can a cat do to a human and a poison-type? I’d tell Kephi that he overreacted if he wasn’t still hiding. And if the purrloin wasn’t staring at me with a feral, wide-eyed look. Despite its previous display of agility, it seems frozen, as if I’ve caught it committing a crime and it stopped time to conjure up a cover story.

Slowly it moves to sit on all fours, resigned. Its eyes occasionally glance at the glass potions rolling in the dirt until they hit a snag and are forced to stop. The purrloin can have its shiny prize, really. I’m willing to spend extra rubies if it means upgrading my team and, in turn, the chances of pleasing Kyurem.

Kephi soon crawls out from the underbrush to set time in motion again. “Virokoe, right?” he asks in a whisper.

The purrloin grins briefly, then sports an abysmal frown. “Yeah,” it says, voice deeper than I’d expect of a cat not bearing its teeth. “You know of me, I take it,” he adds in a deadpan way.

“Mm. Annie, this is Virokoe,” Kephi says. He points toward the purrloin with one antenna. “He’s Jubilife’s most famous TV star.”

I say nothing, disbelieving but not wanting to contradict my starter. I’m looking at not just a species native to Unova, but a pokémon star? Forget the scenic backdrop here being overrun by spilled garbage. If Kephi is right, Virokoe’s presence must be an act of divine intervention. Unluckiness defines my lot in life, after all.

Virokoe lowers his head. “Are you going to take me back to Jubilife now?” he says. His plaintive tone intensifies my resolve to leave the city.

“No,” I say, perhaps too eagerly when neither pokémon has told me the full story. “Why would I?”

Tightening his lips, Virokoe goes quiet. He releases his grasp on the shiny bottle he’d been so excited over and, lifting his body and straightening his legs, looks like he might take advantage of my ignorance by bolting.

Kephi shatters that prospect. “The cat’s on the run,” he says. “Has been for a while, actually.”

“Blabbermouth,” Virokoe says, voice reduced to a mere whine.

Kephi ignores him. “You wouldn’t believe some of the 10-year-olds I saw go nuts if their devices lost service or the batteries died, Annie, just because they couldn’t see him perform. Or, more recently, get the scoop on his mysterious disappearance.”

“Blabbermouth!” Virokoe says again.

Now’s not the time to consider that my starter’s already irritating his new teammate. He doesn’t know better yet. Nonetheless, the tension between them is contagious. I slip my shaking hand into my pocket. Out of sight means out of mind, supposedly.

“A TV star.” I make eye contact with Virokoe to let him know that I’m interested in his side of the story, too. “What show?”

Crawling in between us, Kephi takes center stage and answers, “Cartoons for kids and commercials on occasion. You’re telling me you’ve never, ever heard of him?”

“I don’t spend my time glued to the TV, you know. Besides, I’m not a kid.”

“Could’ve fooled me. Anyway, he was about to start dabbling in contests to gain a wider audience when he disappeared.”

“Right. He’s right,” Virokoe mutters.

I stutter, not sure how to address Virokoe but embarrassed that I allowed Kephi to overtake the conversation. Again. In my eagerness to atone for it, my hand tingles and I have to clench my fist to stop the sensation.

That settled, I try to form real words instead of spitting out more gibberish. “W-Well, I can’t lie and say I’m familiar with any of your acting roles,” I manage, “but it’s not too late to become a fan, huh?”

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Kephi says, shaking his head. His whole body facing Virokoe now, he adds, “She’s like this all of the time. Very dense. Just ignore her.”

“That’s not—”

“I tried to ignore her! If you weren’t here, or at least weren’t a blabbermouth, I would’ve happily made off with my prize!”

“Prize?” Kephi says, unperturbed by the repeated insult. He cranes his neck toward the mess that Virokoe made, then back at the potion bottle lying motionless at his feet. “Oh, yeah, garbage. Everyone’s ideal prize.”

“It’s shiny! That’s what matters.” Virokoe sticks his tongue out at Kephi and turns to me. Apparently, his secret being spilled and the prospect of going back to Jubilife is more appealing than dealing with the poison-type. “The TV staff don’t take care of me well. So I ran away.”

I frown. “What? They don’t feed you and all that?”

“No, they do, but…”

“No baths?”

“Oh, two baths daily, at least.” On cue, he licks his paws in between words. “This is torture for me right now.”

“I’m out of guesses, then. They don’t fluff up your pillows before you sleep?” I say, genuinely flustered.

“Yes, exactly that,” Kephi says.

“No! For starters, I wanted them to investigate,” he says, then stops himself short. He licks his paws harder. My body loosens a little. I give the purrloin a half-smile, knowing how hard it is to articulate the seemingly unexplainable. What I judge as silly or important is irrelevant and only serves to create a gap between us.

Virokoe chooses to speak off track. “And I wanted them to stick to the same schedule every single day! There were so many staff, but my baths were usually a half hour late, and I didn’t get to eat until I’d been hungry for a while.”

Surprisingly, Kephi doesn’t interject. I suspect that’s because he doesn’t know my plan to recruit Virokoe yet, or else he’d sympathize and warn the cat that I’m not a trainer who lets her pokémon have their way.

By now, Virokoe’s stopped licking himself in favor of weighing the silence between his words. “They don’t listen to me, don’t understand me,” he says quietly, as if he’s switched to talking about us in our presence. “Anyway, there must be a reward for anyone who brings me back. That’s why I suspect you will.”

Thinking it too strange to automatically refute the idea of hauling him to the TV station, I opt for a slower route that hopefully will be more believable. “You’d increase the odds of not having that happen,” I say, “if, you know, you didn’t mention money.”

“You’re both morons,” Kephi says.

“We’re straightforward. Learn the difference,” I say.

“Straightforward?” Virokoe shakes his head. “Not quite, if I can’t get people to do simple things for me.”

“An investigation doesn’t sound simple,” I point out. It’s time to get this conversation back on track before I lose control again. “But is there anything I can do to help?”

Pointing at me with one paw, Virokoe says, “You? Are you a policewoman? No, you don’t have a shiny badge. Maybe you could help me with a smaller investigation, though…”

What kind of cat needs two investigations conducted on his behalf? He doesn’t seem like the type to deal in crimes, so I see no reason to refuse outright and vainly hope to find another purrloin, or any Unovan pokémon, further down the route.

I nod to him.

“Okay, see, there’s a piece of jewelry that’s really important to me. It was stolen by some kids from the trainer school on the east side of Jubilife. Do you think you could retrieve that for me?”

“Do it yourself, pipsqueak,” Kephi says. “We shouldn’t have to backtrack that far for the likes of you.”

“You know I can’t show my face in the city! And it’s not like I didn’t try when I was there. As a star, it’s hard to get a minute alone.”

“Humble. Real humble.” Kephi turns to me. “Annie, say no to him, eh? We’ve wasted enough time in this spot as it is.”

But I can’t say no to Virokoe, and I can’t explain to Kephi why in a way that’s remotely sensible. I’d made my decision the moment I identified Virokoe’s species and its native location, then remembered Kyurem’s task for me. Still I pretend to contemplate, chin tilted up and eyes wandering aimlessly from cloud to cloud.

“I don’t know,” I say, just as a twig snaps in the distance. “I don’t think I can turn him down. He’s clearly had a hard time of things.”

Virokoe’s face brightens up. He nods emphatically, so much so that he has to catch himself from toppling forward.

“Sure, but let a trainer behind us deal with him,” Kephi says. “Given his lack of foraging skills, he’ll be found again in no time.”

Virokoe hisses. “What do you know?”

Kephi’s voice turns monotone. “I know that you look thinner already,” he said.

As if Kephi had sapped all of his energy, Virokoe slinks down to the ground, belly flat. “You’re right, I’m not the greatest at this, okay? How could anyone expect me to be?”

“Most pokémon learned survival skills at some point in their lives,” Kephi says. “Now’s your time.”

I sigh. “Let’s go and do something nice in our lives for once, Kephi. I’ll buy you a nice treat, you know, as icing on the cake.”

Kephi’s face now matches his voice—resigned to the humdrum of the wind and how it doesn’t care what direction it blows you toward. “Fine, fine. Have it your way,” he says.

I’m the trainer, so I do have it my way. Virokoe gives us details on the piece of jewelry he mentioned: a gold necklace with two layers, one with a teardrop-shaped, amethyst brooch and another with a heart locket. He also informs us that he’ll stick close to the same garbage cans for when we return. Whether that was his original plan anyway or an adjustment he made in response to our help, I don’t know. If he doesn’t join our team, I suspect he’ll give up eventually and go home—if you can call Jubilife his home.

I understand that painful prospect and march back to the city, determined to not let it happen.

 

[kintsugi]

"I'll be back soon" in other news I'm a fucking liar

This is for chapters 2-4, since that's kind of the closing of the intro arc.

I like Annie a lot more in this rewrite. There's a lot more definition to her personality, and some softer bits as well; it's hard to make people care about secluded, angry characters who keep lashing out at everyone around them, but I think it works here. We know a lot less about her and at the same time I think we get to know a lot more--the way her anger manifests in sarcastic comments, how she sees certain things as ways to exercise control over herself, how a lot of her asides are escapism and pretending to be a dragonite and stuff like that. A lot of the backstory stuff is more hidden (and I'm not sure I understood how/why/when she was able to talk to pokemon in this one), but again, I think it works. We get a bit more root about what in the immediate sense makes her angry, even if we don't understand the full scope of it yet. Parents amirite.

It's hard, too, trying to read this both in a vacuum and with a half-formed (and likely semi-retconned) understanding of what's going to happen. Part of me wants to say that the pacing is kind of tricky to get through, that having so much time with Gregory/the hospital/all of the medical jargon at the beginning makes things difficult to get through, but ultimately I think the issue is more that it's not possible to see the payoff for those things within the individual chapters--an issue with having to go months between updates and having the pertinent details slip from my mind, really, and less about the structure of the work. Rereading them in a chunk again to piece together thoughts for a review helps with that a lot. In particular I liked the link between the scene with Annie doing physical rehab in the mirror and Kephi's disability as it's posed in chapter 4--they make for a nice parallel between the idea of doing things vs visualizing them. On my first read I thought that the mirror bit was a neat scene with some interesting commentary, but yeah, it lands a lot differently once Kephi gets in the picture.

All this to say that I still struggle to give coherent feedback on your work, perhaps even moreso now. Rip. Hi tho.

I like the broad strokes of the developing themes here, or at least the ones that I found the most interesting lmao. Annie's angry, she doesn't have control, and she's hesitant to trust anyone but she's forced to trust (at least) Gregory and Kyurem to help her, and with that comes a lack of control. And more anger. And I mean, truly, who would ever use a pokemon fanfic to focus on characters who don't have control over the situations around them??? There's simply no logical link within the canon for this. I liked the focus on the family dynamics, which I don't recall having as big of a spotlight in the first drafts; Annie's commentary on how her mom is adopting these random pokemon to save them from dying and she's like ?? why are you doing this it's so weird ?? really pairs nicely with 1) Kyurem literally tasking her to do the same thing and 2) Kyurem more or less doing the same thing for her. You love your unreliable narrators but I think Annie's been the most interesting one so far, since it feels like so much of the value of her chapters is in what she isn't noticing or questioning.

Agency/motivation-wise: the one thing I struggled with is that Annie doesn't really want this, and I don't really know what she wants. You make her reasonings pretty clear (in the sense that the alternatives are all pretty shit), but ultimately it doesn't really feel like she gets to make choices that matter. Which, again, I feel is pretty much the point, but from a narrative standpoint it makes things harder to read from her POV, since it's mostly a string of her reacting to things happening to her. Even choosing Kephi doesn't really feel like a choice--which again, agency/choice/control is a huge theme that I just complimented so I absolutely get why things got structured this way, but it does make it kind of awkward to pace around, I think.

(me chiming back in from the future/after rereading a section--I think her goodbye to Renee, while super stilted and hilariously awkward, is probably my favorite part of this section since it's the best example of choice used well. And she's purposefully barring her parents from partaking in this interaction, which, yeah, tracks with Annie as we know her in this one.)

Anyhow. Good fic update more. Can't wait for the miners.

some line-by-line comments, mostly shitposts, one (1) note on camping practicality, and hype for my sweary boy:

Spoiler

symptoms that are more mental in nature, such as lack of insight, impulsivity and poor concentration

annie? lack of insight and impulsivity? in this economy???

My parents, Renee, the doctors—they don’t have to burden themselves with helping me. It’s fine. I’ll help myself. If I fail, no one but me will be to blame. How convenient for everyone else. And how thoughtful of me to spare them all the guilt.

I like this for just how utterly wrong of an observation it is (or at least that's how I parsed it lol).

For example, if I owned a chimchar, it could act as a makeshift cigarette lighter. And if I owned the bigger, evolved form of chimchar, whatever its name is, I could use its size as an excuse to not ride the elevator with my mother because there wouldn’t be room for all of us to stand together.

I exhaled loudly through my nose while I was reading this, which is about as close to a display of lmfao as I can get.

Like an overprotective parent, she watches as I walk in

This metaphor doesn't really work for me I think, since as far as I understand it she is an overprotective parent. Maybe "like most overprotective parents" or "like any overprotective parents"

Now it’s Kyurem’s word versus Gregory’s, apparently. They both aim to heal me. All I can think of is how there must be a catch to this phenomenon.

Kyurem: look I'll save your life but just so you know I have the ability to make the entire universe hit absolute zero and it's like basically a coinflip for when I get bored enough to do that
Annie: there must be some catch here
Kyurem: no one knows anything about me and there is no record of me but legends tend to say i'm pretty shit
Annie: there couldn't possibly be a catch tho

(sidebar, I went back to pull some lines from the prologue and I noticed that Kyurem says Annie is 22 there, but she says she's 20 a few other times in the chapters I've read)

I’d be incapable of talking to people and maybe understanding them, too, but I can’t see the downside to that. Really, I’d have the perfect excuse to act standoffish in front of others.

It's true you can't act standoffish to others if you don't have an excuse!

Now, the local jumpluff are drifting along the wind currents, clumps of their spores floating to the ground. Once spring officially rolls around and the vegetation starts to grow back, everyone in Sandgem will hoard a bunch of the spores and use them to cultivate their own fern plants.

I didn't quite follow this--are jumpluffs ferns? Do the spores becomes ferns and not baby jumpluff?

Unova’s section spoils my mood with all the primordial, mythological entries that have no practical facts to go along with them. Even the more useful entries assume that pokémon of the same species have no individuality, like trainers could handle them all the same way.

mom I'm not sure what you're trying to imply here pokemon are a monolith and it's way more interesting when they don't have personalities anyway

But I fail to find any clues in Sinnoh’s pokédex or in a bunch of other books. At this rate, I’ll have to meet another trainer chosen by Kyurem on the road to get any concrete proof that he exists, or meet the ice god face-to-face.

I was sort of wondering what the level of tech is here, since she's resorting to books to look up info on Kyurem but they've also got pretty advanced cell/satellite phones in the form of the pokedex, and the ranger at the outpost is tracking her dex in some sort of computerized system. Is there no internet?

But I can’t go wrong with the basics—toiletries, a map of Sinnoh, sunscreen, bug repellant, shoes especially made for hiking, a cooler with wheels to store food longer than normal, and a large, durable backpack that I can reasonably carry on my shoulders.

Of course, I can’t go wrong with things I know I should buy based off of past experience, either—a paring knife to cut food, a box of matches, eye drops, pain relievers, and other first-aid stuff you forget about until you need them.

I think I'm morally obligated to point out that having a wheeled cooler on an extended backpacking trip would probably be death. Especially if the trails aren't particularly paved. I will imagine Annie dutifully wheeling her Kyurem through all the important parts of the plot and up tons of stairs anyway though.

This journey isn’t going to be some fun, soul-searching game like it is for most trainers.

mmhmm sure

Up close, I can see why Gregory had trouble spotting the bug-type. With the hump on its back, it has the appearance of a discolored boulder, but it's acutally a venipede. A foreign pokémon, as luck would have it. Even better, he's native to Unova, where Kyurem is, too.

COULD IT BE???

("actually")

I thought it’d be smart to start off on an upbeat note with the venipede. But when I relay all this information to him, his first response is, “What the fuck? Sounds super girly. You got any food around here, at least?”

I'm surprised that Kephi doesn't have a name and doesn't make that known here. Presumably he didn't like his other trainer and doesn't want that name, but did he have a name before that?

I’m not sure why a legendary would care about a human more than her own parents

This parsed to me as "I'm not sure why a legendary would care [about a human] more than [a legendary would care about her own parents]". I think it might read better as "I'm not sure why a legendary would care about a human more than her own parents would".

Kephi hisses at me, the booth boy flinches.

(comma splice)

 

[Beth Pavell]

Every time I come back to this story I tell myself I ought to refresh myself on it and actually keep up this time. And it never happens. So damn the act, and just jump right in to Chapter Four.

Annie's a much more bitter character this time round. I see a lot of going through the motions in her behaviour - I don't think she's really so much trying to get better as going along with it all to kill time. A year or two ago I might have got a bit tired of the meandering family drama, but I think I see the point. There's undertones of her hoping for a confrontation for complex emotional reasons while also never doing anything to actually provoke it.

I can't quite parse Gregory, though. On some level he's a healthcare provider dealing with a familiar challenge of a client who doesn't want to engage with the help. But, whilst bearing in mind that I know you like unreliable narrators, there's also this laissez-faire, wing it and hope for the best attitude which seems to be at odds with a professional

 

[Ryoma Maser]

It's about time I come here, no matter the reason, review event or not. You were basically my fanfiction mentor starting out (to the point your mentioned in Chapter 1 of my fic even though it's now rewritten) and now it's time to pay it back!

Plot:
Honestly I find it quite interesting Kyurem of all Pokémon was willing to help some random girl from a region that's not even their own. Kyurem to me always strikes me as loner type Pokémon considering how far it takes to get to him in Black and White as well as the whole mess of getting to it in a now even deeper cave in the sequels (a literal cave in a cave, caveception).

The journey of recovery also seems to be a plot point for Annie with her denying usual treatments like physical therapy, hits a bit more close to home then it should since my father is quite the same never trusting that to help with his back or arm problems even though it would do more than any other treatment. Even the stroke from the set up kinda hit a bit too, I haven't had one myself but have witness one right in front of me so re-reading this made a little different to me than most. While it seemingly starting downhill, I feel like this basically will go as Annie finding her own form of recovery and finding her determination again.

Characters:
Annie is semi-hard but also semi-easy character to like at first for me if that makes sense, a bit crabby though but they got a great excuse for that. Annie strikes me as a character who is often sensible for the wrong reasons, she makes some excellent points and is very sensible in her decisions but also "girl you just had a stroke, take some time, I think the ice dragon wouldn't mind."

Kephi is also kinda hard to like, but they're also pretty broken as being left by their original trainer but you think they would be a bit more cooperative and less prone to anger since they're more used to trainers than most. Their anger is justified but I feel like taking it on the person who willingly took you in despite all the problems they had and how counterintuitive it was to them. I can see an upcoming chapter seeing the second chance Annie gave them.

Renee is another character I like to give some attention to. Even though Annie did just come out of a coma, I enjoy the non-standard sibling relationship of both being supportive of each other. Honestly, I would love if Renee would join in on the journey and basically turn this into sister buddy-cop adventure but I feel like that would takeaway from the main points of this fic.

Gregory is peculiar doctor. At one point he's doing his job and at other points it feels like he's overstepping his boundaries a lot, which is probably the point. Also a medical Pokédex if I got that correctly, he says that he gives it to his patients but it feels like Annie is getting some special attention which is giving me the wrong vibes.

Misc:
Okay, the capitalization nut in me is just raging at the Pokémon names and Pokémon itself. It is a paradox though, probably due to the anime using the species name as the Pokémon's actual name which infuriates me. It makes sense since this is their normalcy we don't capitalize animals or dog but again I'm a capitalization nut.

Now this may just be something I missed, but is it common to talk to Pokémon with normal human conversations in this fic's world? Or was this a gift by Kyurem? Again I may have missed this, but it wasn't brought up as a big thing so I assume it's the former than the latter.


And that's all I want to bring up. I enjoy this fic and I enjoy re-reading what I've read before and the newer chapters I haven't read before today. Thanks for the great read and looking forward for more!!

 

[kintsugi]

Hi love, it’s me, finally taking the long way around. I have read up to chapter 6 and have lovingly clicked through the warning that this thread is a year old. ps, is obieme coming back or is he nate now? the fanartists need to know.

I really dig the scene-setting in these chapters–it’s not something I usually peg as being a huge focus in your works, so I was a little surprised to see it, but I think it works really well here. The pokecenter felt like a really lived-in place, and the little details about what various background trainers are doing sold the logistical parts of the GTS for me. Little fliers with small details on them, that Kephi promptly eats! And wow, this is more furniture descriptions than I think I’ve seen in fic, but I think it worked here, which isn’t something I’ve ever expected to say. It’s also pretty fun to see what Annie knows and doesn’t know–she can identify loveseats and camellia bushes, but the woods in Jubilife feel a bit more blocky/nondescript from her, sleeping in the open isn’t comfortable, etc.

The opening lines of chapter 5 are also really fun, both in terms of prose and what they imply. In a story about people not being what they seem, Kyurem’s definitely one of the biggest unknowns. Makes sense that he wouldn’t live up to his reputation either.

This part of the story is where it feels like things are opening up, people start making harder choices, all the elements start to come out to play. Into the woods, literally and figuratively. But also we’re going to have bits where pokemon try to fight their trainers–a bit of the new, a bit of the old, as a treat!

I liked the focus on expectations and miscommunication in these two chapters. Annie realizing that no one ever taught her how to make food, the buizel not wanting to evolve, the cherubi not realizing the layers of the game that she’s stuck in, Jubilife not being put together on its conservation stuff. And in the middle there’s Annie, who’s starting to notice these things because she sees herself and her struggles with her parents in them. It’s a clever way of bringing her into the world while adding new facets to her character. And there’s still a bit of savagery in her actions, “this kind of tension is enjoyable, so I leave her in suspense”--but it does feel fair.

The muscles in my hand could take it, but not the liar in me, who has to spin a spiderweb to avoid the truth and cast herself in a favorable light.

It’s a fun sort of character to be aware of their flaws but not want to face them. I also wonder, to some extent, how much Annie’s actually done this, as her narration hasn’t seemed super unreliable … yet …

Then the venipede looks up at me, his expression somehow both hopeful and threatening. He’s so small, I’m afraid he’ll break his neck doing that so often.

oof, the image of breaking your neck looking up to someone else for approval or judgment is such a powerful one.

These are really fun! The prose in general was just really smooth, the worldbuilding really lush. I have the faintest memory of the OG stuff, though I imagine a lot has changed--it's fun to look back on what I think (?) is different though! Annie seems to be calling the shots a bit more in battles here, especially with the cherubi bit where she's actively rigging the deck to see what Kephi would do, in contrast with what I remember of the Roark fights in the beginning. It adds a bit more credence to her "I'm a liar" inner monologue and makes her make a lot more choices, so I'm all for it. There are certainly some character interactions the way I’d expect, a someone doing a little underhanded sort of double-cross to try to learn some stuff, an affable trickster, this little shit and their fire-type starter living their more average and normal lives–and it’s great to see people really start to be themselves now that the pieces are out. The storytelling feels really efficient here; each scene flows really smoothly and it felt a lot shorter than 9k.

gud fic upd8 more?

Some misc shitposts and a typo:

Spoiler

Anyone parading around Johto with a murkrow and its soft spot for shiny things

it’s me the internet explorer meme

“You remember where I ended up. Where you found me,” he says. “What a fucking stupid question.”

This hits so different knowing about Rennio and Ezrem :c

It’s inconvenient for me, but I can appreciate the rules being strict. If you own an endangered species, or one near threatened in their native habitat, you have to prove the everyday environmental conditions it’ll experience in your care are adequate. This way, ice-types won’t land in the heart of Cinnabar without their trainer taking precautions first.

I thought this was a neat rule, especially in a world where pokemon are cognitively on-par with humans

“Maybe I should become a nurse, and that’s how I’ll make money,” I say. My voice betrays my lack of perceptiveness.

I didn’t quite follow what was happening here, how Annie was able to notice she was lacking perceptiveness.

He ogles Nate

I have spelled this as “oggles” literally my entire life OOPS

“Surely the League didn’t devise such as a stupid rule

Some extra words here, I believe.

“Don’t waste anymore energy,”

“Any more”

As I move to rest on my knees and retrieve the sole bottle of antidote from my backpack, the cherubi drops her facade. She thrusts the petals on her heads forward—a feeble leafage attack that earns her a bald appearance and nothing else.

This detail is excellent black comedy, rip cherubi

Despite that, I’m a tad miffed when, fifteen minutes later, we notice a sign with “leave no trace” instructions, and steps to report damages done outside of designated battlefields. There’s a map to show where these battlefields are, along with more toll stations, rest areas where traveling salesmen can meet you if you’re low on supplies, phone boxes, campgrounds…

I thought these were fun details!

I’m more interested in seeing how far we’ve walked when a purple flash speeds past my peripheral vision.

OUR BOY

“I’m out of guesses, then. They don’t fluff up your pillows before you sleep?” I say, genuinely flustered.

I don’t know the exact reason of his unhappiness here, but I’m surprised that Annie of all people would be confused that someone would leave a life of relative comfort because they don’t like the environment they’re in.

What kind of cat needs two investigations conducted on his behalf?

And just like that, the plot of Ash Attorney is formed …

 

[kintsugi]

hmmm, so I had a bunch of things I was supposed to do, but one thing led to another and I ended up rereading the old version of this fic. It's oddly comforting to see what changes and what stays tbh. For instance, serebii. I consider this less of a comment on that exact fic, since a lot has/will change, and more of just general musings on arcs, as well as one (1) meme.

I think the through-line of the new version is a lot tighter overall. Editing and reboots are hard! But I get why you went for that; this feels particularly esoteric even by your standards--it works imo, but it's also one of those things where I see you trying to delicately balance a lot of plots, and then also oops all badge quests. Kyurem prologue feels more directed, and yet also more lost--what the heck is Kyurem's actual plan here?? I think it works for the brand of story you're going for, especially since Annie at least seems to have a more defined sense of direction in this version. Almost makes it more awkward to watch because she's whole-heartedly believing that this is a good plan and it sort of feels like Kyurem is just throwing darts at a wall. Which, in turn, makes it more awkward to watch when it seems like Kephi is whole-heartedly believing that Annie has a plan and Annie is just following the darts thrown at the wall.

(did you?? ever consider?? that pokemon having unequal rights could be construed as?? awkward? god these old threads are such a trip)

It's weird reading this with the benefit of a lot of hindsight, knowing that Rennio and Ezrem are going to bumble into things, things are going to get super ultra mega on fire, but also a lot on ice (unless Kyurem is just! guessing about that too!) In hindsight, I think a lot of the iconic moments of Survival Project were evolutions--Senori's is like laser-etched into my mind tbh, although Ezrem's is definitely the more dramatic one--but I wonder if anyone here gets that chance. In a story written by you where a lot of people talk proudly about how they're going to change and fix each other, it would sure be really sad if the rufflet and elekid aren't the only ones who don't have the chance to grow up.

10/10 send the minor miners

anyway, here's my OC, "kephi but with a knife". do not steal. infinite meme potential.