MATURE: Multiple Dimensionality

[Ereshkigal]

Content Warning

This is a Mature-rated story for a good reason. Expect to see the following elements in it:

*Foul Language - Some characters are foul-mouthed. Very foul-mouthed.

*Sexual Content - While there won't be explicit, heavily-detailed sex scenes, there will still be the occasional mildly-described one going on in the same scene. As in, a reference to use of fingers rather than describing in detail to how those fingers are touching. And characters will talk about sex, plus be romantic.

*Love - Expect to see relationships of all types presented without apology.

*Violence - This is the real world, as it would be with Pokemon added in. People are murdered. Wars happen. Characters die. Pokemon die.

Note: Pokemon battles themselves are nonlethal. Pokemon battling is a sport, and sports don't work very well if you keep seriously injuring or killing your players.

*Psychological Issues - Some people do suffer psychological problems as a result of the realism of the world. Therapy for these kinds of problems will also be referenced.

* Abuse - It won't be directly displayed, in part because I am not comfortable with writing overt depictions of it. That discomfort comes from the fact this story is primarily entertainment, and my depicting abuse in entertainment doesn't sit well with my morals. But it will be referenced, along with the very real effects of it.

Also, sexual violence will not be included. It enrages me, and I don't think anyone wants to see the two-hundred page rant I inevitably type up every time I talk about the subject in any manner. Rage-posting is good for no one. But BDSM will show up.

*Good - I'm writing a realistic story, but not a pessimistic one. Much like our world, their world is not perfect. But like us, some of them are making efforts to make it better.

So, please feel free to sit back and enjoy.​

Prologue​

Pentagon Special Projects
Pokemon Division

General Howitz was not a happy man. Despite his slowly-increasing weight and long-receded completely-white hairline, the general's blue eyes still managed the glare that made even the most battle-hardened of soldiers nervous. Even now, wearing a black business suit instead of his traditional military fatigues, no one mistook him for anything except the soldier he'd been for most of his life.

And right now, the rail-thin, glasses-wearing scientist before him fidgeted. A white labcoat, seeming ubiquitous for scientists and doctors, over a thin body clad in a T-shirt advertising Grand Theft Pokemon 5 and a pair of jeans. The scientist's shoulder blade-length black hair and eye shape were the only hints in his face towards his Japanese grandfather, while his green eyes reflected the more Norse ancestry that dominated the rest of his appearance. He was one of the few people the General had to look upward at.

Everything around them was... a cloudy white haze. Walls, ceiling, and floor were impossible to make out. The light seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.

"What do you mean escaped?"

The scientist tapped his fingers nervously. "Well, um, we think she managed to crawl out through the air ducts..."

Howitz shook his head. "Are you telling me we have a repeat of Project Psybomb? Do I have another fucking Mewtwo on the loose?"

"N-No. I'm pretty sure she's..."

"Then how the fuck did a Ralts escape the most heavily-fortified facility in America?" At this point, the General knew his exasperation was showing, but his patience with this was long gone.

"We think she used her abilities to get one of the lab techs to let her out," the scientist said. "She was engineered to bond with soldiers."

The General rubbed his chin as he thought about that. "So you succeeded. Prepare the other eggs. I'll send a team to find her. Have psychologists start vetting candidates."

As Howitz turned to walk away, the scientist relaxed. He waited until the General was out of sight before even speaking.

"Run, little one. Don't let them find you."

Elsewhere

The Ralts woke up, panting heavily. A Spinarak next to her skittered off into the brush, started by her sudden movement. The Ralts looked to where the bug had been, focusing on it as she took a few moments to gather her wits about her.

She was still in the forest. A light drizzle had started sometime after she had fallen asleep, giving the air that wet plant and earth smell one only found deep in nature. The log on which she had napped was protected somewhat by the overhanging branches of a tree, though even it was damp with how long the rain had continued. The otherwise thick overgrowth of the forest obscured her sight, and even the moon was hidden. The natural camouflage pattern of the Ralt's body, a variation from the normal white that came with how she was created, helped her blend into the undergrowth. Still, not one sign of other Pokemon existed now that she was awake.

The Ralts hugged her knees to her chest, shivering from the cooled air. This was nothing like the lab. Nothing like the life she had known since she hatched. She had been on her own for four days, ever since the head of the program helped her escape. Traveling west in hopes of getting far enough away.

And then she slipped her feet to the ground and frowned. That dream was a warning. They're coming for me.

Her stomach growled; it had been four days since a proper meal had been put in it. She stood and began to walk, trying her best to be quiet as she stepped around leaves and branches. She had heard a hunter a day back mention a city 'straight west as the Pidgey flies.' She just had to find it.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Firstly, welcome to the section! Always great to see some new faces around Remember to check our Welcome Hub for all our rules and links to all our handy helpful sections - such as the Workshop Directory and Review Game.

This was definitely an intriguing prologue. The first paragraph was beautifully written and had me hooked instantly, and I am interested to see exactly where the plot goes. It's not often you see Pokemon stories set in the real world, and the prospect is certainly tantalising.

My only criticism would be paragraphs loaded with description: it is nice to get an idea of a character, but several sentences detailing what someone looks like, their clothing, their ancestry, it can throw a reader out of the tension of a story. Keeping physical descriptions brief, especially coming off a solid opening line like that, would help with keeping readers hooked. That trend is common amongst fan-fiction though, so may just be a personal thing on my part.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

 

[Ereshkigal]

Interlude: Silph Co.​

There is a good chance I won't get to explain this in detail in the story much, but it is information people may want to know.

In general, Silph Co. doesn't have a good reputation. And in-universe, they've earned every bit of their bad name.

Before Team Rocket invaded their HQ, Silph Co. enjoyed a massive international popularity. They were the inventors of the Pokeballs, the driving force behind the international Pokemon encyclopedia standardization in the Pokedexes, and had completely revitalized how Pokemon are taught with their Technical Machines, Hidden Machines, and Knowledge Machines (TMs, HMs, and KMs respectively). The Silph Scope was credited with allowing study of many Ghost types in the wild.

In addition, they were one of the founding corporations of the International Pokemon Center Organization, which is a sub-chapter of the UN's World Health Organization. Silph Co.'s president gave a speech every anniversary of the IPCO's founding.

And then Team Rocket invaded Silph Co.'s headquarters and everything changed.

After Team Rocket was beaten by a team of elite Pokemon Trainers led by Red and Green, the Japanese government began a formal investigation into what led the criminal organization to assault the company. To them, stealing the Master Ball prototype didn't make any sense; Team Rocket stood to gain more if they waited for it to go into production and simply stole shipments. Plus, many noticed Team Rocket didn't have the production facilities for Pokeballs.

It was quickly discovered that Team Rocket was hired by Silph Co. to work on a black-book experiment code-named Project Psybomb. They never found out who was funding Project Psybomb, but investigation into that revealed further horrors. Silph Co. had been selling Voltorbs and Electrodes to terrorist organizations as munitions, some pokeballs were made from Voltorb corpses, and the lenses required for the Silph Scope to work could only be made from dead Magnemites. And as the atrocities kept being revealed, the public only grew more enraged.

In the end, Silph Co. was brought to trial by the United Nations. The company managed to survive the trial, but walked away with the Silph Scope banned by international law and most of its patents stripped. Many of its research divisions were also stripped from it, allowing competitors in other nations to cut deeply into its once-vast market share. And it has suffered further in that the United States was the first of many nations to pass laws banning the three Machine product types from single-use items.

Recently, the company has had to deal with its never-ending unpopularity allowing regions to outright ban some of its product lines. Spearheading the campaign is the Alola Region in the United States, which banned HMs outright and instead relies on the upstart Ride Pager technology. Other regions in the United States, such as Farm Center and Plainsland, have begun to allow Ride Pagers to compete with HMs. The United Kingdom and China have banned all Silph Co.-produced KMs.

About the only thing keeping Silph Co. from vanishing is the sheer production capacity they have. Even with massive scale-backs caused by the loss of their patents and resulting market competition, Silph Co. still maintains the largest production capacity of Poke Balls, Pokedexes, and the Machine product lines. Even though they maintain a public popularity ranging from zero to thirteen percent, they still maintain a steady (if grudging) customer base that is not likely to go away any time soon.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Chapter 1​

Spoiler: Revision Notes

Current version:
*Changed telepathy from italics to bold
*Altered how some description was presented
*Removed some unnecessary references and reworded a couple of areas
*Removed unnecessary description about the holo pads sinking into the floor; it'll literally never come up again; will probably confine that info to an interlude in the future.
*Made a stylistic choice to keep a certain description oddity for purposes of characterization.

Truman Trainer Academy
Freedom, Farm Center Region

Two of the structural walls were simply gone, the ceiling was collapsing, and everything was on fire. And as usual, it was entirely his fault.

Through the smoke he could see Lena, her purple hair floating behind her and eyes blazing green as she called upon all of her psychic power to keep herself from being crushed. The wooden floor beneath her was beginning to crack as it buckled under the weight of her and the ceiling. The sound of splintering wood only got louder as the ceiling above him began to give way as well, burning chunks of wood beginning to crash down around him.

“Merge, damn it!” Lena commanded, the telepathic tendrils of her power probing his mind as she spoke.

And then there came a very loud crack from somewhere above. The unmistakable sound of something very big and very wooden snapping like a toothpick.

Seeing no other choice, Chris narrowed his eyes and breathed, his mind opening to Lena’s as his power extended toward her. Flashes came to his mind; random scenes from her nearly-nineteen years of life rushing into his brain as the connection was established and the two personalities submerged themselves into each other. Everything around them slowed as her secret talent activated through him, the flaming debris of the collapsing ceiling floating to the ground like feathers. The flames danced around them slowly as the structure continued to be consumed.

Acting as one, Chris-Lena pulsed her telekinetic power, sending the ceiling briefly bouncing upward while his body surged forward, shoulder lowered to tackle her straight through the wall. From his perspective, her movements were slow, almost like watching a video frame by frame. From her perspective, his body turned into a blur that came straight at her. The impact of body against body was enough to jar both out of the connection, time speeding up for him as the telepathic unity faded and they crashed through the wall.

Lena landed on the mat outside the simulation, with Chris right on top of her. She let out a soft groan as he rolled off her, then lifted her head as the building hologram faded away in motes of green, blue, and red light. Snickering from some of their classmates greeted the pair. Lena just laid her head back and sighed, before turning her green eyes to Chris and smirking as she saw he was watching her.

Are you two alright? came the telepathic voice of their instructor, a Gardevoir named Athena. She was standing over the pair, a look of concern in her eyes as she held the tablet that controlled the rainbow-spotted holo pad at the center of the room.

We failed again, didn’t we? Chris replied, reaching to rub the bridge of his nose.

Yep.

Could be better.

Lena nodded her agreement.

You could always get a career in demolitions, Athena replied, her mental voice getting louder while she looked back to the rest of the class. Can anyone tell me what they did wrong?

“Set the building on fire again?” one of their classmates, a jock who’s name Chris could never remember, guessed.

No, I told him to do that.

“Tackled his partner through a wall?” asked one of the girls, a cheerleader named Misagi.

No, that earned bonus credit, Athena replied. They were in a situation they could not handle and he acted appropriately to both save their lives and remove them from danger.

“Listened to you?” Lena suggested.

Exactly! The Gardevoir was practically giddy. If someone gives you a stupid order, tell them to fuck off. You job is not to throw your life away without very good reason.

“Including you?”

I can levitate and teleport. I don’t always have a reasonable idea what is a danger for humans.

Chris was only half paying attention to the class conversation and lesson at this point, and instead was looking up at the ceiling. It always struck him as odd that the room would have exposed metal rafters well below the ceiling, but he supposed they served a purpose. The mirrored ceiling, however...

“Then why are you teaching a course on survival?” someone Chris had never heard speak before asked, drawing his attention away from the reflection. He couldn’t pick the source out in the crowd, standing just off the mats and facing both him and the green-haired instructor.

Ponder that inside the disaster house, Athena said. You and Slut Girl are up once Fucknut and Demolition Man clear the mat.

Chris raised one hand and extended his middle finger toward the Pokemon.

Promises, promises, sweetheart, Athena teased. Now move.

All the tender loving care of a shanking, Chris sassed as he rolled onto his side.

Better believe it, motherfucker, came the Pokemon’s answer.

Lena giggled as she sat up. Half my laughs come from you two bantering.

Chris shook his head as he got to his feet, carefully moving his body. Despite how many times he had gotten up from a fall, his movements always felt awkward to him, lacking any sort of grace in exchange for pure practicality. He reached down to brush any transferred dirt off his jeans as he watched his partner get up.

Lena’s method of standing was entirely different; whereas he simply rolled onto side and used his arms for leverage when there was nothing to help, she shifted from her sitting position to a kneel, with her knees tucked under her, so her rear rested on her ankles, and hands clasped in her lap. Her back was straight and head lowered. Somehow, she never managed to sit on her fiery red hair, despite it coming down to her rear. And then, after a second, she lifted her head and rocked her body back to put the bottom of her feet against the floor, her body straightening into a military stance he had seen in far too many movies.

He had not even thought it was possible for someone to move like that until the first time he saw her do it.

They made a strange pairing in his opinion; while both wore the standard red t-shirts that seemed an unofficial uniform for this kind of training, she always opted for blue jean shorts that hugged her form and a walking shoe while he preferred black pants and hiking boots. And where he was lanky, her body was more curvy; wide hips and a chest he had discreetly admired, a flat stomach, and toned legs and arms to reveal the strength that often put her opponents on the mat in spars. His nearly-black hair and light brown eyes added to the dichotomy of their appearances. He was also two inches taller than her, topping out at five foot eight where she was only five and a half feet tall.

He wondered if only he had noticed she had a quarter-inch wide band of skin on her neck that was a shade lighter than the rest or the tattoo, of a spiky-styled Marill from what he caught of her memories, she covered with make-up on her right shoulder.

And then her eyes slid to meet his and a soft smile played on her lips.

Either fuck or get off the mat. Athena didn’t even try to hide her growing annoyance.

Lena’s face turned a very bright red and she pivoted on her right heel to direct a sharp look at the Pokemon. Chris chuckled as he stepped onto the hardwood gym floor, shaking his head as he approached the rest of the class. He heard her grumbling behind him in what sounded like Japanese as she followed him.

Chris’s eyes turned toward as he watched Slut Girl, actually named Enrico, and his partner approach Athena. The five foot Pokemon looked like a child compared to Slut Girl, who easily stood seven feet or less than an inch shy of it and had every bit of the muscle one expected from a professional wrestler. But what got him the nickname was the frilly pink princess dress he wore, which had “Slut” across the chest in red rhinestones, that he accessorized with a pink bow and Mary Janes. Chris couldn’t actually see Slut Girl’s teammate through the sheer mountain of pink-clad flesh.

Most people give up by now, Athena said.

“We made a bargain, and I’m a man of my word,” Enrico replied.

The Gardevoir grinned. So you are. Get in position.

What was the deal? Lena asked as the next team stepped up onto the holo-pad.

Chris shrugged in reply; this was the first he’d heard of it. From the generally-confused looks of most of the class, he was far from the only one.

As Athena tapped the controls to make a barn shed appear on the holopad, she looked to Lena and Chris and said, And you two, hit the showers. Talk to me tomorrow about what you’ll miss. I know it’s important.

Important? Lena sounded confused.

Athena narrowed her eyes. He has to meet someone? Did you forget?

Chris turned to look at his partner, only to see a look that was a mixture of horror and guilt on her face. You definitely forgot to tell me.

Lena paled and slowly shuffled backward, placing herself behind him and to the left. Something he had only seen her do when incredibly nervous. She fidgeted a moment, that mixture of guilt and fear still upon her face. R-Right… Um… Look, just trust me and come along?

Chris knew his growing suspicion would be felt by her as he replied. Lena, what have you gotten us into?

Don’t worry, it’ll be fine! Lena answered as she turned to hurry out of the room, almost running. Just trust me!

Lena!

Chris sighed as he watched her disappear through the door to the women’s locker room.

You two are damned lucky no one else can hear your telepathy, Athena commented, her mind half-distracted.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Interlude: Trainer Abilities​

Like Pokemon, humans can learn special abilities that extend far beyond their innate powers or represent a refinement of natural abilities.

Unlike Pokemon, these abilities cannot be learned via machine, but require years of training to unlock and refine. Also unlike Pokemon, most humans don't learn any abilities at all; they never invest the time for the necessary training and practice to use a skill. Those who do typically attend the various Trainer Academies, and many even spend a time as professional Pokemon Trainers once their training is done.

Consequentially, most of the special abilities humans traditionally learn are related to Pokemon in some manner, ranging from healing their own to encouraging wild Pokemon to approach them. But in recent years, after growing threats such as the disastrous encounters with Mewtwo and the rising gang war in the South China Sea started to take a toll on Trainer numbers, Trainer Academies have started to focus on teaching their students how to defend themselves without Pokemon and develop abilities to enhance their own survival. Psychics have started to develop abilities very similar to the Pokemon they're often associated with, leading some Academies to even place Psychic types in the instructor position; Gardevoirs are particularly popular in some regions, due to how they both resemble and strongly connect with humanity. In addition, Trainer Academies have increased their focus on martial arts and combat training, further blurring the line between Trainer and soldier.

Graduates of this new training paradigm, such as the famed Serena and Kalem of France, credit this new focus with making them far better prepared for the challenges of the job.

And after the unusual ability to completely merge with a Pokemon demonstrated by Satoshi Matsumoto, budding trainers have been encouraged to experiment with abilities that might not have any obvious benefit, but can be tactically important. This has had several unexpected results, such as the telepathic ability Merge among Psychics and Butterfree Float among the more martially-oriented.

Professional trainer battles, such as the annual contest held by the Elite Fours of many regions, are adapting slowly to this recent change. Many older trainers oppose allowing the new abilities at all, especially after the now-infamous Trainer Team of Jim Bob and Mary Jane successfully combined Merge and Butterfree Float to utterly devastate all competition and have an unprecedented rapid victory over the Plainsland Region Elite Four.

Whether or not military forces are embracing this new paradigm is currently unknown, as nearly every nation on Earth has classified their Pokemon training techniques for national security reasons. The exceptions to this, such as Japan, exclusively use professional Trainers in this role.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Another intriguing part of this world revealed. I am interested to see how this Psychic school plays into the other parts of the story - I feel as though this will be epic in scope, which is exciting to see. I also like your growing world that is intersected with our own planet. It's a nice touch, and it doesn't feel too gimmicky here like it can in other stories. The reflection of real world politics is a nice element.

In terms of descriptions, I still think you could work on not lumping it together. The description of the setting, in particular, was a tad complicated to read, and coming in the middle of a conversation probably wasn't the best place to put it. The descriptions of Lena and Charlie were better, but could have done with a better segue into the 'why we are so different' line of thinking.

On some other things, I don't think you need to keep specifying 'mentally' when the audience will know that italics = psychic communication. Once you've established that, you don't really need to keep mentioning it. I also think that Athena's swearing is a bit overkill. Admittedly, we don't yet know the context of this world, but right now it feels a tad much calling people 'motherfuckers'.

The interludes are a nice way of exploring the world, but things such as Silph Co. would be much more interesting to read in the context of the story. Those few paragraphs were quite epic and exciting - I want to see more of that, I want to know all about that war and what happened, and not just read about it in a little interlude as though it's completely unimportant. It might very well be, but it is still a fascinating tidbit that could be explored through characters and dialogue and help define them and their personalities.

I am still very intrigued for what comes next, especially as this world seems to be getting bigger and more complicated with each new chapter and revelation, so I can't wait to see what happens next.

 

[Ereshkigal]

I still have a lot of room for improvement. I'm going to play around with this chapter in Word a bit and see what I can do to make it better.

I will admit I am overusing the statements toward telepathy, but I'm a bit uncertain on that. Two of the characters to be introduced speak Japanese, and there will be times when what they say will be translated (using italics to differentiate from English), and I want to make certain people can tell the difference between not-English and telepathy. I am definitely going to take a look at that and see if there is a different way I could present it to allow more presentation of telepathy-vs.-Japanese without creating confusion for the reader. I'm considering the idea of bolding it, to make it easier both on the reader and myself. I'll try that in Word to see how I like the visual.

Athena's cursing is entirely intentional, and I want people to think she uses foul language too much. There's a reason for it that'll become apparent after Chapter 2. So, I think I actually hit the mark perfectly on that one.

The Silph Co. part is going to be a bit more difficult to work in. I can see the two characters to show up in Chapter 2 bringing it up later and going into more detail about a lot of these events, though. Chris and Lena probably don't even know about it; Red beat Team Rocket just before Chris was born and Lena was still a baby at the time. Chris is about eight months younger than Lena. From the perspectives of Chris and Lena, it really is unimportant because they grew up in the aftermath and, like I was at their age, they don't fully realize how much an impact these events had on their lives.

I plan to revise this chapter, then work more on the next one. I think it'll surprise people

 

[Ereshkigal]

I edited the prologue a tiny bit to reflect the change in telepathy, and heavily edited Chapter 1.

I did keep one oddity, but I have a purpose for that. However, it is on my watchlist; I may come back later and deal with it anyway.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Chapter 2​

Club Marill
Plainsland City, Farm Center Region

Of all of the places Chris thought he might end up, standing outside a bondage club was not on the list. Lena didn’t need to feel his mind to know that much, but she could taste it upon his thoughts; the tinge of surprise, apprehension, and confusion that forced his thought processes more to the surface.

Most people were like continents; the general populace providing a surface-level hum so strong they drowned each other out, with forests and plains being made entirely by how mentally-busy the crowd was. Hills, valleys, and mountains comprised the stronger minds, the ones that either stood above the rest or had such of a mental shield they impacted the taste of the crowd. But Chris was entirely different; staring at his mind was like staring at the open ocean, with no signs of the roiling currents that lay beneath the gentle surface. Even when he used his telepathic ability to merge their minds, his thoughts remained subsurface, operating below the level of normal human awareness.

In many ways, it’s what she liked about him. Whenever she started to feel too anxious or overwhelmed while near him, she focused on the calmness of his mind to balance herself.

But now, even that calmness was not enough. For they were in front of the one place she dreaded taking him to.

Club Marill. An imposing five-story warehouse-styled building situated near the river. The entrance, the only side not fenced off, faced toward the street and the park across the way, where a small stream currently filled with Duckletts and Swannas wound between two fields of grass. Two stories above the barn-style metal front doors were rows of windows that continued all the way up; the lowest set showed people in various states of fetish dress and undress dancing, while the ones above were black. A fence surrounded the rest of property, with gates on both sides leading to parking lots; the left gate was closed, with a large padlock easily visible on it and a group of rolling balls just inside that looked like Electrodes from the distance. The only marking on the club was a neon sign that announced the name and had its logo; a spiky-styled Marill. The open parking lot was filled with cars.

And standing at the front door, at the head of a long line of people that stretched into the open parking lot, were two men in tuxedos with nametags pinned to their chests, accompanied by Machamps in matching outfits. Near the parking lot gate were two more men similarly dressed, with Pangoros standing beside them without suits. All four of the humans were openly displaying holstered pistols, with the two by the parking lot carrying very obvious assault rifles; the G36C, as she knew from Call of Duty games. No other obvious signs of security were present, though the general buzz in the back of her mind hinted at a strong Ghost type presence.

The Ghost buzz was almost enough to distract her from the spray of mental excitement blowing off the crowd; that mixture of anticipation, nervousness, and occasional spritz of lust that permeated the building like a lake of sexual energy and helped it rise above the city as a mountain. The mental steadfastness of the guards and fighting types stood like a cliff edge around those emotional waters, making the entire club the psychic equivalent of a caldera lake.

A subtle elbow to her side drew the young psychic back to reality.

“Why are we here again?” Chris asked, looking at the Marill logo.

The same Marill that was tattooed on Lena’s shoulder and engraved on the tag of the collar she now wore.

“Um,” Lena fidgeted, turning to look to him. “How do I look?”

There was a space of silence after her question, almost like he was deciding what to say. She noticed he tended to be slower and much more methodical when he was uncertain or uncomfortable.

She took the opportunity to study his own clothes; she had told him to dress nice, and he had. Kinda. He was wearing a button-up long-sleeved black shirt tucked into slacks, with leather walking shoes. The shirt itself had odd creases and the occasional wrinkle, almost like it had been folded improperly, while the slacks had small strands of blond Meowth hair in spots on the legs. She had noticed many of his clothes tended to be wrinkled, making her suspect he mostly just wadded his clean clothes into a giant ball and just pulled items from it. At least his hair had been brushed for once.

“You’re avoiding the question.” He glanced at her. His mind barely registered a blip, a small surging of the waves before the sea resettled. “And you’re fine.”

“Look at me!” Lena could not keep the pleading tone out of her voice. Or the worry about what was to come.

The water of his mind began to churn. Choppy waves, brought forth by a rising island of surprise and a tropical storm of irritation, began to pulse forth from his mind. But he did look at her for real this time, and as he gazed upon her the island sunk and the forecast returned to calm.

His eyes stopped first at her headband, which was black with Pichu ears attached that followed the local variant by having the outer edges of the diamond-shaped ears yellow while the inside was black. His eyes proceeded downward, over the light eyeshadow and black feline eyeliner to her black lips, which had just a bit of yellow glitter mixed into the lipstick to give them a sparkle effect in tune with her theme of the evening. She smiled as he tilted his head, realizing he just now was noticing the effect.

But then his gaze proceeded lower, and her smile faded as she could feel the curiosity and suspicion rise in his mind. He was looking at her collar. The actual collar was a quarter-inch wide bit of sturdy Taurus leather, padded on the inside for her comfort and clasped at the back of her neck, with a silver plate on the front that held her name and those of Mistress and Madame, all in Japanese, and the Marill tag attached to the bottom. It currently had a yellow silk covering wrapped around it, with a hole so the plate and tag could be clearly seen, to which opaque yellow lace was attached that extended its width to a full inch.

His eyes continued downward; below the collar, it was open flesh until one hit the top of her bodice, which stopped just below the tops of her breasts and left her cleavage fully open. The bodice was black with yellow trim at the top and laced up the back, almost resembling a corset in style. Below the bodice was a black pleated skirt with a yellow mesh ruffle skirt beneath it, both mid-thigh in length, under which she wore black leggings and black terrycloth shorts. For shoes she wore a Victorian-styled heeled walking shoe, though the heel had been reinforced at Mistress’s insistence to prevent breaking. Round out her appearance was yellow nail polish, which had blue glitter mixed in.

Then Chris’s eyes flicked up to her own. She could feel his thought process fully; if his mind was the open sea, his logic was a submarine surfacing. A sleek, futuristic submarine that would not be out of place in a Star Trek movie; she could even see it having a deflector dish of sorts mounted on the front. Then she began to wonder if it would use photon torpedoes, or if the Federation would see use of antimatter weaponry in Earth’s seas as a bad thing.

And then the submarine submerged again as he made a decision..

“Do I need to use a title to address them?” Chris asked.

“No,” Lena said. “Tonight is… Well, it’s sorta a newbie night at the club. They don’t even break out the paddles. I doubt you’ll even hear anyone using titles tonight.”

He nodded, his eyes turning to the club door. “And they know I’m not trying to steal you?”

Lena giggled, lowering her head and rocking back on her heels as she tried to keep it from breaking into full laughter. “Relax! If that were an issue, I’d have a different partner by now.”

His eyes remained on the club doors. “May I know their names? I can’t read your collar.”

“The first name is my own,” Lena began, pointing at the top name with one fingernail. “The third is Madame, Kotone Karashina…”

She paused for a second, watching him. When he didn’t react to the name, she continued.

“… and the second is Mistress, Shirona Karashina.”

That name got his attention. His eyes instantly snapped to her’s and widened. Shock and fear filled his mind, turning it into a black storm-tossed seascape that even the heartiest of ships would balk at.

“Your Mistress is the Walking Apocalypse?”

Lena winced. Mistress hated that nickname. “Please don’t call her that.”

“Lena, every time she has visited a place, disaster has followed.”

She crossed her arms and stared at him. “Be fair. That only happened seven times.”

He simply gave her an incredulous look.

Lena unfolded her arms and began to rub his shoulder. “Please. She’s actually very nice, and she is important to me.”

Resignation filled his mind, with the shock fading away entirely and the fear lessening. “Fine. But if portals to another dimension open up and alien Pokemon start pouring out, I’m leaving.”

She laughed, leaning against him as her body quaked with mirth for nearly a minute. “Can I get you to stay if we’re on an Alolan beach?”

“Sure,” Chris said, with a smirk. “But only if you agree to wear a string bikini for the next week.”

“Deal.” Lena grinned as she stood upright. “Shall we? We can’t stand out here forever. Rain will move in at any moment.”

“Did you see the latest Walking Dead?” Chris asked as they started to walk toward the club’s front doors, not bothering with the line.

Several people gave them dark looks, and there were more than a few grumbles; Lena could sense the dark cloud of anger hovering over some, the taste of the crowd’s emotional whole gaining streaks of darkness from those not happy with what they saw as line skippers. Many of the regulars merely nodded to the pair, recognition adding another flavor to the mix. She nodded to those who had seen her before and tried to ignore the anger.

“I never got into it,” Lena answered. “But, Mistress owns a Spiritomb. It’s hard to see zombies as that dangerous when there’s a hundred ghosts on the coffee table.”

“What about Game of Thrones?”

“Madame said to go upstairs,” one of the guards said as they approached the door.

“Thanks, Lenny,” Lena said, patting him on the shoulder as she kept going. “Was it the episode with the Mega Charizards?”

Luckily, tonight was a calm night inside the club; a steady, subdued pulse of optimism permeated the building and drowned out any other emotions from this distance.

“Yes!” He stopped just inside, looking around the room with that slow, methodical gaze of his. “I was surprised they went ahead with Mega Evolving so many Pokemon.”

It wasn’t that detailed of a room; just brown tile with a red carpet on it leading to an open wood doorway to the rest of the club. The walls were wood paneling, with the wall to the left as you entered covered in pictures of various people who had visited in the past and two electrical lights designed to look like candles. The wall to the right featured two Bulbasaurs sleeping on top of empty potted plants, with only the wall above them having pictures. The space between hid a door leading to more secure parts of the building, though the very obvious card reader made it an open secret.

“I wasn’t. Remember, Ned Stark said the Iron Throne could do that in Season One,” Lena said as she stopped by the hidden door, reaching down her cleavage to dig around for the card. She was regretting the lack of purse right now. “The Mega Magikarp was a bit ridiculous.”

“I found it funny,” he said. “What better way to end Jaime Lannister than feed him to that?”

“Make him watch Star Wars?” she teased as she pulled the card from her cleavage, reaching to slide it into the reader, followed by a subtle click and the hidden door swinging open.

“Funny, Trekkie.” He followed her through the door and up the stairwell beyond; the walls were paneled like the entryway, and the entire area was carpeted and lit by ceiling lamps designed to look like paper lanterns. “You nearly got us kicked out cheering Rei.”

“Episode Seven was just that good.” She stopped as they reached the top. “Take off your shoes; there’s slippers by the door.”

The area at the top of the stairs was a small room with shelves on either side of a small inset bench and a wooden door opposite the stairs. The benches had red cushions on top of them, while the shelves closest to the door held slippers. The other shelves were currently empty.

“Does the interrogation scene ever cause problems here?” Chris asked as he sat on the bench, reaching to take off his shoes. His mind had calmed by this point, the fear and resignation both fading to a dull tint on his mind.

Lena shook her head, quickly unlacing her boots and slipping both off at once. “Surprisingly, no. Fifty Shades still causes problems, but most people seem to get the difference between being tied up for kink purposes and being a prisoner.”

Chris smirked as he placed his shoes on a shelf and grabbed slippers. “I bet you hate Darker already.”

“I want to beat the stupid out of the movie producers and author with a guide to BDSM,” she commented darkly as she snuggled her toes into her own slippers.

Chris just chuckled and shook his head. Lena smiled softly as she stood, before looking back down the stairs. The entrance had closed behind them, she could see no one in the stairwell, and she could feel no other minds. She relaxed and slipped the card into the hidden reader, inside one of the shelves, then pulled it out after hearing the click of the door unlocking. Then, she opened it and stepped inside, steeling her mind against the psychic tingling sensation that came every time she stepped through that entrance.

The door opened into a ten foot by twenty foot room that served as the living room and primary office for the club’s residential portion. A thick black carpet covered the floor, which radiated enough heat to keep toes warm due to in-floor heaters, while the walls were white and featured their own diffused heating systems to supplement the floor. Lena was uncertain how the cooling system actually worked, as every time Madame explained it her eyes glazed over.

The center of the room had a black leather couch and two black leather chairs arranged around a coffee table, with the couch’s back towards the door and the chairs arranged to face the couch but not block the television on the opposite wall. The coffee table was opaque volcanic glass molded in the standard table shape, save that it had special steel extensions underneath that held manacles and could be pulled out to hold a person. On top of the coffee table sat the Odd Keystone for Shirona’s Spiritomb, a laptop currently displaying the Gangnam Style music video, and a remote for the TV. The TV, which was opposite the door, was a large wide flat-screen mounted to the wall, below which was a stand holding a few picture frames, with the door to the master bedroom to the right of it.

The wall to the left was floor-to-ceiling windows, the steel frame of each having a control that could open it on the left side, which looked down on the club’s main floor and were tinted on the club side so people could not see through them. The wall on the right featured three doors; the door closest to the stairs led to the kitchen, the middle door was actually an elevator to Madame’s basement lab, and the door near the main bedroom led to a guest bedroom.

But it was the pictures on the walls, covering the same wall the staircase connected to, that were the best part. Each picture was of an important event, something that defined the owners of the place. And in every single one, Madame was laughing. Their marriage photo, where Madame was bent over in laughter while Mistress made a silly face with cross eyes and tongue sticking out at her and the minister stared at Mistress in consternation. The 2012 Pokemon World Tournament, where Madame was bent forward with her hands tented over her mouth and her eyes squeezed shut as she uncontrollably giggled, while Mistress gave an unrepentant smirk to the camera. The 2016 Pokemon World Tournament, where Madame had her face buried in Mistress’s shoulder, howling with laughter, while Lena covered her mouth and Mistress leaned her head forward as her own mirth spilled forth. Madame covering her mouth and crying with laughter at Lena’s blushing face the day after they accepted her into their bed. And a dozen more, each with a story that could fill a novel.

Lena turned to address Chris, only to stop as she saw him looking at the pictures. His face was unreadable, but his mind rapidly pulsed with mirth and another emotion she couldn’t identify, but definitely wasn’t negative.

“Are these pictures chosen just to make your Madame look adorable?” Chris asked.

She smirked. “Yes. Madame gets embarrassed if you bring it up. I wouldn’t if you want to make a good first impression.”

“Speaking from experience?”

She shifted uncomfortably at the memory. “Um… Have you noticed the television? It’s perfect for watching movies on. Especially Star Trek movies.”

She could feel the mirth and sense of confirmation in his mind, but he chose not to pursue it. Instead, the schools of impishness began to surface as he asked, “So you can watch a certain stripping scene in Into Darkness?”

“She also likes the catgirl scene,” came a woman’s voice from the elevator. “But I don’t know if she wants to be Kirk or one of the Caitians.”

Chris jerked in surprise, his mind hardening as he prepared for a fight. Lena, meanwhile, turned and bowed to the woman, even as she felt the heat in her cheeks from her deep blush. She knew that voice.

“Konbanwa, Kotone-sama,” Lena said.

“Konbanwa, Lena-chan,” Kotone replied as she stepped off the elevator. “I would have been up here by the time you arrived, but I had to set up simulations of the portable Pokeball jammers.”

Lena grinned as she saw Madame’s clothes. The five foot, three inch Japanese woman had a set of Pikachu ears on her head, yellow at the tip and black for the rest to match the local regional variant, on a band in her shoulder blade-length brown hair. She wore her normal gold mask, which covered her forehead and the right side of her face but left her right eye uncovered so both brown windows to her soul could be seen, with blue blush on her visible cheek and an electric blue lipstick with yellow glitter on her lips. A half-inch wide black lace choker was the only covering between her neck and her chest, leaving the burn scars on the right side of Kotone’s neck and the right shoulder visible. The rest of the outfit was a floor-length yellow-striped black silk ball gown, held up by elastic clinging to the top of the woman’s breasts, and a set of upper arm-length black silk gloves.

Kotone’s mind was different; it was an old stone fort, sitting in the middle of nowhere, with most of the walls cracked or crumbling and some missing entirely. Yet the cracks had been reinforced with steel, the missing walls replaced by it, and modern artillery lined the parapets. At the tops of the towers sat SAM sites, always scanning for aerial attacks to shoot down. The windows had been reinforced with special glass designed to resist explosives and bullets, which could open to allow defenders inside to shoot back at attackers. The only entrance required crossing a heavily-reinforced metal drawbridge over a mine-filled moat to a set of blast doors, which only opened when Kotone chose to let someone in. But inside, the corridors were sleek metal with all of the modern computer and lab equipment one would expect from a state-of-the-art facility.

“{How did Mistress get you in this dress?}” Lena asked, switching to Japanese.

“{You know how skilled she is with that tongue. Always convincing when she wants to be,}” Madame replied, giving Lena’s cheek a caress as she stopped before the woman. “{Shirona and I agreed. You may read our emotions tonight. But not our thoughts.}”

Lena nodded, then smiled softly. She sent a soft, brief telepathic probe to Madame; the closest she’d ever been able to accurately describe the sensation was to liken it to licking someone. Kotone grinned, her fort lowering its drawbridge and opening the gates to let the psychic enter. Lena wormed her way in like a kitten into a cuddle pile, finding herself ensconced within the older woman’s affection for her rather quickly. It was enough to make someone purr with contentment.

“You’re purring,” Chris said.

Lena blushed deep while Kotone bent over, face turning red as she laughed. Lena had forgotten he was in the room and wasn’t aware she was purring out loud.

All Lena could do was stand there, utterly mortified, until Kotone was done.

One Madame was finished, she straightened slowly, mirth still in her mind as she looked to Chris. “I must apologize for that. But, thank you for your patience with my rudeness.”

Lena turned to watch, noticing a strange smile on Chris’s face.

“No rudeness at all, Madame,” Chris replied, his body and mind both relaxing. “I’ve wanted to tease her about that for weeks.”

Lena facepalmed, her blush returning in full force.

“Since September, right?” Madame guessed. “She started doing it around us after we made her fully part of our relationship. It’s just so adorable!”

Chris nodded, grinning. Mentally, he was also very amused. “Seventh of September? The following week, she walked around with this dreamy smile on her face…”

Madame giggled and nodded. “Same here! Shiro joked we may have to leash her to something to keep her from floating away.”

At this point, Lena was pretty certain that dying from embarrassment was a busted myth.

The door behind Chris opened. Lena grinned as she watched Mistress walk through it, using that same silent step that allowed her to sneak up on alley Meowths. Even her mind could not be sensed, though Lena had never figured out how Shirona could shield her mind like that.

Shirona was wearing a set of Raichu ears on a headband placed in her knee-length creamy blonde hair. The ears followed the local variant, in that they were metal and more closely resembled antennae than fur-covered flesh. Her hair was combed to cover her left eye, with the hair held in place and otherwise out of her face by a pair of black teardrop-shaped hairclips, each with a single yellow stripe on it. Her visible eye was grey, and free of make-up, while her lips were painted silver with electric blue and yellow glitter. Her slender body wore a black halter top with jagged yellow stripes, fingerless silver gloves that came up to her upper arm, black jeans with a yellow belt, and her feet slipped into a pair of Lopunny slippers that Kotone had gotten her as a gag gift.

Mistress put her finger over her own lip in a shush motion and winked to Lena.

“I’m Kotone Karashina,”Madame said, holding out her hand. “I bet Lena has already told you a bit about me.”

“Chris Hatter,” he replied, taking her hand with his and bringing it up to his lips to kiss the back of rather than shaking. “Not really. Please don’t fault her. I panicked after learning who your wife is.”

Lena had felt Madame’s mind tense with disapproval at him saying she had not told him about Madame, but as he clarified Lena could feel the woman’s mind relax… and a bit of embarrassment enter it after a moment.

“She always has been good at reading situations,” Madame said, her voice and mind both tinged with approval. “I’ll have to make certain she’s properly rewarded. And, please forgive me for taking liberties. I know you are not part of our lifestyle and it may be uncomfortable hearing about it.”

“Trust me, nothing about your lifestyle is more shocking than your wife’s reputation,” he said. “So unless Death itself is about to walk through the door, I’m okay.”

For a brief moment, Mistress looked irritated at the mention of her reputation. And then the irritation faded to an evil smile at the mention of Death walking through the door. It took every bit of willpower Lena had not to crack up laughing, and she could feel the exact same struggle coming from Madame’s mind.

Shirona, in her best demonic voice, screamed, “Death’s already here!”

Chris screamed and surged forward as fear turned his mind into a whirlpool, his feet literally leaving the ground as his hand shot out behind him. Lena barely sensed the release of psychic power before a psychic explosion happened right behind him, propelling the man over Lena and Kotone’s shoulders to send him flying over the couch and coffee table. Lena spun around just in time to see him land, the slippers slide out from beneath him, and Chris faceplant in the carpet. He scrambled to his feet, psychic power flaring as he prepared to summon more of his Psyrockets, only for the man to pause as he saw who it was. Even his mind stilled at the shock.

Mistress and Madame, meanwhile, were laughing. Shirona was bent over with laughter, while Kotone had sunk halfway to the floor, with tears coming out of her eyes. It took Lena’s mind a moment to get over the shock and realize Madame was holding onto her. She reached a hand to rub the woman’s head as she kept her eyes on her teammate.

“Did you just rocket jump?” Lena asked, causing the other two women to laugh even harder.

Chris relaxed, then reached to sheepishly rub the back of his head. His mind was a competing turmoil of confusion and embarrassment. “Um… Yes? I guess I did.”

Mistress panted a bit as she finished laughing, then stood and grinned. “Sorry about that. Are you okay?”

“A little rug burn,” Chris replied, rubbing his cheek.

Madame stood, finally done laughing herself, and sat down on the couch to watch, her mind reflecting curiosity.

“I have a cream for that,” Mistress replied, walking toward the kitchen and opening the door. She quickly pulled out a small jar, marked as burn cream in Japanese, and walked over to hand it to him. She stopped right in front of him, looking into his eyes; she was easily two inches taller than him, and it showed when they were that close. “Uncanny eyes… They remind me of someone I knew in Sinnoh.”

Chris just stared for a moment as Mistress turned to walk back to Madame and Lena. “Why can’t I sense you? Or anyone outside this room?”

Mistress chuckled, stopping to caress Lena’s cheek. “You don’t live with an empath without learning how to defend against psychics. If you impress me, I’ll tell you the secret of this suite.” She turned to look to him. “But, if it makes you more comfortable…”

Shirona’s mind faded into Lena’s senses like a science fiction spaceship decloaking. A sleek flying metal fortress fully reflective of the mental strength and experience of its owner, it was covered with slots where weapons of all sorts could deploy at a moment’s notice. A potent energy shield surrounded it as a bubble, fending off attackers with relative ease, while powerful engines mounted on the back easily helped it maneuver that deadly main gun to aim at anyone who drew her ire. With it came the woman’s emotions, expressed similarly to a gravity wave emanating from the vessel. Along with it came desire, a want to do things far too naughty to try when company is around. The affection was enough to make Lena purr, while the other want provided a bit of color to the woman’s cheeks.

Privately, the girl admitted to herself her mental imagery was awkward, both those were the only ways she ever found to describe the sensations that others could understand. It was like trying to explain sound to a deaf man using interpretative dance.

And then Lena realized she was purring out loud again and her cheeks got a bit darker.

Mistress leaned in to whisper, “Relax. I like making my pet purr.”

And then Lena’s full blush returned.

Then Mistress looked to Chris. But as she looked at him, her mind reflected mild disapproval and a lot of concern. “So, Chris, do you have a Pokedex yet? It can be hard filling those pages, so I often have something nice for new trainers I know. It’s only to lend a little hand.”

“I don’t have one yet,” Chris admittedly sheepishly. “I was going to wait for one of the school-issued…”

“No need to wait,” Mistress interrupted, almost bouncing with excitement. It wasn’t an act, either; Lena could feel the emotion bubbling around the much older woman. “And the school ones are utter trash. HANDY909s. I have a spare PoryGuide Ten-Fifty you can use.”

Madame shook her head and grinned in amusement at Shirona’s excitement.

“Have you asked Lena?” came his reply. “I’ll follow her lead.”

“You look out for your partner.” A sense of approval flowed through Shirona’s mind before the elder woman turned to Lena. “Your choice, kitten.”

Lena looked between Madame and Mistress. Both were looking at her expectantly, and both were failing to fully conceal the excitement in their minds. Chris, meanwhile, was just relaxing as he watched the three, though she could sense his mind was studying every bit of what happened. Finally, she smiled, her decision made.

“We’ll do it.”

“That’s wonderful!” Mistress closed her eyes and bounced, her hands coming together in a single smack in front of her. “I just know the- Yes?”

The door to the stairwell had just opened and one of the guards had stuck his head in. “Ma’am, there’s an incident in the kitchen. You may want Lena along.”

Everyone started moving at once. Mistress, Chris, and Lena all headed toward the stairwell while Madame fished down the top of her dress to pull out a Pokeball. The group of three paused in the stairwell long enough to change into their normal shoes, a set of black kitten heeled boots for Mistress, and then continued down the stairs and through the club, fast enough that Lena did not even pause to look at the decorations or people inside, but instead simply dodged around people. The trio arrived outside the kitchen just in time to see the recall beam from Madame’s Pokeball shrinking down her Alakazam.

The inside of the kitchen was pretty stereotypical. While tile floor, white walls, stainless steel tables down the middle, stainless steel appliances… The spotlessness of it was entirely due to the cleaning routine. There was even a chef, standing off to the side in a barely-spotted uniform looking uncertain. The only thing out of place was the forest camouflage Ralts laying against a refrigerator.

And the Pokemon radiated two things: Hunger and desperation.

Chris and Shirona did not even hesitate; both of them rapidly crossed the space between them and the Pokemon. Lena had started to dart forward as well, but Madame softly grabbed her arm and shook her head. Shirona carefully lifted its head and brushed its hair aside so she could open an eye and look in it. Chris, meanwhile, slipped his finger in its mouth, feeling around. Meanwhile, both radiated the same kind of worry, which Lena also felt coming off Madame and knew she had to be radiating as well.

“Listnessless, trouble paying attention,” Shirona said.

“The inside of the mouth is cool and way too dry,” Chris added. “No telepathic resistance.”

“Low body temperature, starvation, and dehydration,” she concluded. “Desperate enough to come in here… This is a domestic, not wild.”

“Sitrus and Aspear?” he suggested.

“Two to one ratio, that order.”

“Juice only, room temperature,” both said at once.

They both turned and looked at the chef, who nodded and walked through a door into the pantry, returning quickly with three cans and grabbing a bowl. Mistress leaned against the fridge beside the prone Pokemon, watching Chris intently. Lena could feel her worry about the creature, but she could also feel that the woman was studying him as well. But why, the psychic didn’t know.

Lena then took an opportunity to study the intruder. The Ralts appeared a stereotypical member of its species at first glance, except for the fact its body was not the normal white. The humanoid creature had the green bowl-cut hair, the horns, and even the appearance of an oversized dress on its body standard for the species. But as Lena looked at the hands, she realized they were oddly shaped, human-like…

Lena’s attention was drawn away from studying the Pokemon’s oddities as the chef moved past her with the bowl, delivering it to Chris at Shirona’s direction. Shirona then reached over to touch the Ralts, closing her eyes as her hand and the Pokemon both glowed for a moment, calling forth the Health Restore Trainer Power. Mistress watched closely as Chris held the bowl for the starving Ralts, who almost snatched it out of his hand.

“Slowly, slowly,” Chris said to the Ralts. “You don’t want to make yourself sick… Slowly…”

As Chris continued to hold the bowl, carefully tilting it for the Pokemon to drink, Shirona smiled and stood. She walked back to the pair, leaving human and Ralts behind. And even though Lena could still feel her concern, it felt lessened. Lena tilted her head questioningly to her Mistress as the woman neared the pair by the door.

“He’s staying here,” Kotone said, keeping her voice low. “Our bed or the guest?”

“Our’s,” Shirona answered, her voice also low. “I want the Ralts to feel safe and secure. If she comes to us to snuggle in, we let her. But she also should understand she has a space of her own until she feels comfortable around us. We have no idea what she’s been through before coming here.”

As soon as the Ralts finished the bowl, she hugged Chris, just clinging to him. The complex array of emotions coming off her was too much for Lena to get any true sense of what she was feeling. It was the complete spectrum, almost like the creature was trying to process everything that happened to it at once. Chris, ever-patient and ever steady, just sat there and held her, though a soft smile played upon his lips as he remained still for hyer.

“He would have to go and get a starter before I did,” Lena muttered in mock-anger.

Shirona and Kotone just stared at her in shock until she gave them a grin. Then both broke down into giggles.

Spoiler: Editorial note

The planned part about foul language was delayed until Chapter 3. This chapter is already over twice the planned length and that conversation actually makes more sense for being placed in the next chapter.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Special: Winding Up and Down​

Living Suite
Club Marill

Chris sighed as he emerged from the spare bedroom, having just tucked the Ralts in for the night. The smell of burning cedarwood hit his nose immediately and he smiled softly at the scent. He was not surprised to see a green metal incense holder on the table, green-painted metal in the shape of a bowl with a lily in the middle that had the stick of incense rising above it. A soft, almost invisible line of smoke rose from it as the scented stick slowly burned.

He was surprised to see Lena wearing nothing but a leather collar, which appeared to have the same inscription plate and tag as the lace one she wore earlier. Lena was drapped across Kotone and Shirona’s laps on the couch, with her hips resting on Kotone and softly-purring head nuzzling Shirona’s legs. Kotone was wearing a knee-length pink nightgown with Totoro on it, while all he could see of Shirona’s outfit was her black t-shirt. All three women had removed their make-up and other accessories, though Kotone still wore her gold mask for some reason.

“Japan has announced a special dedication this year,” the TV said. “Officials in Hanada are unveiling the Mewtwo Memorial, dedicated to listing the various trainers who have died fighting the Pokemon. The statue is to be unveiled on December 17th, the 16th anniversary of the deaths of Hibiki and Kotone Murai. Satoshi Takeuchi, more commonly known by his trainer codename of Red, has declined to attend, citing memories of Green’s demise.

The Indigo Elite Four has indicated they will attend, in memory of the fallen champions of Kanto and Johto.

A total of fifty-seven trainers and seven hundred thirty-four nontrainers are expected to be listed-”

Kotone pressed a button on the remote, changing the channel. Chris looked at her face, but her expression was carefully neutral. Then Shirona wrapped an arm around her and Kotone turned to give a brief, sad smile and a soft kiss to her wife.

“In a surprising turn of events, North Korea has dedicated half of its naval forces to aiding in retaking the South China Sea from the criminal elements that currently hold it. The latest, and most unexpected, nation to join Taskforce Unity has been grudgingly welcomed, with China and Russia both promising swift and unforgiving reprisal if the tiny nation causes any trouble with the South Korean or American ships. The American commander, in a move that drew praise from many nations in Asia, declared American neutrality on the subject.”

“You, no sad,” Lena said before grabbing the remote and switching to the Food Channel.

“You’re going to get punished for that tomorrow,” Shirona said, sounding amused despite her words.

Kotone smiled a bit darkly and traced the tip of her finger along Lena’s hip, using a touch light enough to cause the young woman to wiggle. “I will handle that. So delicious to make her squirm and beg…”

Lena bit her lip and wiggled a bit more.

Chris cleared his throat.

All three looked at him. Lena opened her mouth to say something, only to close it as Shirona laid a finger on her lips in a shush motion with one hand and gestured for Chris to take one of the chairs with another. Kotone merely gave a soft smile and began to trace her finger in figure eights on Lena’s hip, causing the poor girl to wiggle constantly.

Chris didn’t hesitate; he quickly sat down where indicated. He made it a point to keep his eyes on the faces of his hosts, though Kotone’s shorter height meant looking at her left Lena entirely in his vision. He silently suspected this was entirely on purpose.

“How is she doing?” Kotone asked, her tone innocent and a mischievous grin on her lips. “And, please, let me know if there’s anything I can stop doing to make you more comfortable.”

“She’s completely exhausted,” Chris answered. “I don’t even know if she can communicate in language. Even her images were blurred and unfocused.”

“I thought all Ralts can use language,” the masked woman said, even as her finger began to move forward and down on Lena’s body, heading toward an area Chris was trying his best not to look at.

“There’s a regional variant in the Amazon that can’t,” Shirona said, keeping that shushing finger on her slave’s lips while another finger reached to tweak and tease a couple other spots. “They also don’t have the solid white, but have a pattern that allows them to blend in. We should do a comparison tomorrow. Maybe she is someone’s exotic Pokemon that escaped or was freed?”

“She could be a research specimen that escaped,” Kotone suggested, even as her fingers switched from tickling to rubbing-

Chris decided to look at the pictures on the back wall. It didn’t quite stop him from seeing what was being done, but the focus blurred the closer action enough for the moment.

“Log into IPCO’s network and see if she’s registered with any trainers?” Shirona suggested, struggling a bit to keep that finger on Lena’s lips as the girl was now writhing on both women.

“I will also check the Aether Foundation records. They may have some information on variants not yet registered by IPCO.” Kotone pulled her hands away from Lena, followed by Shirona a second later. “Time for bed, my love.”

“Of course,” Shirona agreed. “Tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

Chris covered his mouth to keep from laughing at the utterly devastated look Lena directed at the two women.

“Pet, you’ll need to put on clothes,” Shirona teased. “We have a guest and it wouldn’t do for you to get too naughty.”

Lena sighed, looking resigned, and rolled off the couch to land on her hands and knees. She stood and stalked off toward the bedroom, her body tense every bit of the way.

“You two are evil,” Chris said, shaking his head and trying not to laugh at his teammate’s plight.

 

[UselessBytes]

First of all, let me just say I'm loving this story so far. Something about to just really hooked me.

Okay, so first things first- While your... habit might be the term I'm looking for. While your habit of lumping character description into one place has improved, it's still rather present. Keep in mind that even details like hair length and certain clothing items can be merged with actions quite beautifully.
Take this small example in the paragraph where Ketone replies to Lena's first question in Japanese. Currently, part of the paragraph reads, "Madame replied, giving Lena’s cheek a caress as she stopped before the woman." You could take the description of Ketone's black silk gloves and morph them into this statement, creating, "Madame replied, giving Lena's cheek a caress with a silk gloved hand as she stopped before the woman."
That's just a small example but it still takes part of the wall of description and shifts it somewhere else. You could sprinkle some of the other details you included into the paragraphs surrounding the description. Of course, it's totally fine to have detailed descriptions, but when they get clumped together it can slow down the story and make it feel sluggish.
Other than that, this is beautifully written. I love your characters, and I look forward to reading more.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Spoiler: Reply

I'm stealing this spoiler reply method from Beth.

I'm currently working on that. It won't show up in part one of this chapter so much; it ruined the effect I was going for in this portion >.< But, I plan to see about part 2.

Chapter 3A​

Club Marill

“SHIIIIIIIROOOOOOOOO!”

The sharp, high-pitched whine was enough to wake Chris out of a sound sleep. He groaned as he sat up, raising a hand to shield his face from a ray of sunlight that came in through the blinds, and sat on the side of the bed as he looked around. The fading scent of cedar mixed with a tiny hint of cinnamon in his nostrils.

This wasn’t his bedroom.

To his right was the wall with windows, which had soft cream curtains that let through tiny rays of sunlight between them, and the head of the bed. A round mahogany night table stood beside the bed on his side, with a small electric light on top of it styled to look like a Litwick, the soft purple flame on top of the candle creature flickering inside a glass bulb. Someone diagonally, near the wall in front of him, was a sliding glass door with a curtain over it, though he was uncertain where it led.

The wall in front of him had a mahogany dresser in the center, on top of which were a couple of picture albums with locks on them and picture frames of Shirona, Kotone, and Lena cosplaying as Street Fighter characters. To the right of the dresser was a black wooden bookcase, decorated with a number of objects and picture frames; except for the display cases with what looked like real pistols in them, he didn’t pay too much attention to the collection. To the left of the dresser was a closed door, leading to a bathroom.

There was a bit of muffled whispering and a small, quickly suppressed giggle behind him. What parts of his mind were fully conscious briefly wondered if that was relevant.

The wall to his right had a flat-screen TV mounted on it, easily taking up most of the available space. Currently, the screen was displaying what looked like a volleyball game, though Chris had no idea where in the world a televised volleyball game would be held in November. Sitting on a table below it was a Playstation, with a stack of games beside it; all looked to be the most recent generation. Beside it sat what looked like a DVD player, though the Japanese writing prevented him from really having any idea.

And then a whimper came from the bed.

Chris turned and looked at the bed. Right about then, he remembered the entire night and where he was.

Shirona was laying on top of Kotone, pinning Kotone’s hands above the woman’s head with one hand and the other somewhere between them. He couldn’t actually see what they were doing because Shirona’s boyshorts-covered rear was in the way, but he could see Kotone’s mask had come off at some point, revealing the burn scars on the right side of the woman’s face and leaving her deeply-blushing visage fully exposed, and Kotone’s nightgown had ridden up beneath Shirona. Lena was laying on her side on the opposite side of them, her head propped up as she watched the couple; the girl was still wearing the lacy black bra and panties she had climbed into bed in, and had a remote laying on her hip.

Lena winked to him and grinned. Shirona turned her head to him, gave him a cheeky smirk, and jerked her head toward the door. Kotone gave him a pleading look, almost like she was begging him to rescue her from this predicament.

Chris just smiled and shook his head, then turned away so he could stand. He rested his hand on the mahogany night table, silently glad it had nothing on it in case his still-awakening mind hadn’t fully remembered balance just yet. Once certain his balance was back, he turned to proceed out of the room, stopping only for a moment to contemplate the door out.

He was certain that door had been fully shut when they went to bed, yet it was slightly open.

Chris sighed as he emerged into the living room, silently glad the heated floors made it warm enough his feet were not freezing. He stopped as he noticed a Magnemite floating in front of the laptop, from which he could hear what sounded like a Nickelback song playing. The metal sphere paid him no attention, just watching its music video as it lazily rotated its magnets back and forth to keep itself in place. The laptop, keystone, and TV remote had been joined on the coffee table by an odd novelty lamp, shaped like a Litwick with its purple flame inside of a bulb.

Chris shook his head and turned toward the door to the spare bedroom. He laid his hand on it and closed his eyes, focusing concentration away from his normal senses as his mental barriers lowered and his mind expanded into the room. He could feel the mind of the Ralts, though the scattered haze and nonsensical images in her mind revealed her to still be asleep. He grinned to himself as he withdrew his mental senses, leaving the creature to be.

He turned back to the living room, only to stop as soon as he caught sight of the coffee table. Laptop, keystone, remote. He could have sworn there was a fourth item there…

Chris closed his eyes, extending his mind once more. This time, to the magnetic Pokemon, just wanting to see what it found so entertaining. Then he winced as he heard its thoughts and remembered why he didn’t do this often; it was a rapidfire clicking, almost like Morse Code, that came in combinations of eight. The creature’s sense of sight proved even weirder; rather than normal light like humans saw, there was a swirl of colors and mixture of glowing lines he couldn’t make any sense of. But as far as he could tell, the electronic mind found that soothing somehow.

He sighed as he disengaged from the Magnemite’s mind, then rubbed the back of his neck as he felt the beginnings of a headache. As far as he could tell, the creature had neither noticed him nor the psychic intrusion. Shrugging to himself at the creature’s lack of reaction, he turned to head for the kitchen, pausing a second as he noticed that door was slightly open.

The cool brown tile of the floor made Chris instantly regret leaving the slippers in the bedroom. He trudged down the short hallway of leaf-pattern wallpaper to the main kitchen room, which was dominated by a table designed to look like a giant mushroom in the middle of the room, surrounded by padded wooden chairs designed to look like stumps with backs of vines. Chris shrugged and collapsed in a chair, shielding his eyes from the light that seeped through the green curtains with a hand over them.

His mind extended, the mental barriers that normally kept his psychic powers under close wraps fading as he relaxed. All he could mentally sense was the suite, save for the main bedroom; it was like the rest of the world simply no longer existed. Only the Magnemite, the Ralts, and a Ghost-type in the room with him-

He opened his eyes and looked at the table. Sitting in the exact center was an odd novelty lamp, shaped like a Litwick with its purple flame inside of a bulb.

Chris narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

But before he could focus on it, he felt Shirona’s mind enter his senses. It was like seeing an Assault Mech you didn’t know was there appear in Mech Warrior Online; on an instinctual level, a reasonable cause for panic at knowing something that dangerous was now close enough to end you and the slight, ever-present worry it had reason. Knowing she could hide her mind from him gave absolutely no sense of comfort. It was like finding out someone gave cloaking devices to Jurassic Park velociraptors.

He closed his eyes as he felt her stop in the living room a moment. She was making no effort to hide from him. She was only the Walking Apocalypse. The trainer who was rumored to have punched out a living myth after invading his dimension. The person who was Lena’s Mistress, who he knew for a fact was armed after this morning, who lived in her very own staffed fortress…

Shirona walked into the room and saw the expression on his face. A brief irked look crossed her features before she sighed and pulled up her shirt. Chris blinked as his train of thought derailed and took out the station. His brain took a few moments to recover, at which point a blush began to decorate his face as his mind and body both caught up to the fact she wasn’t wearing a bra.

“Did you just flash me?” Chris asked as Shirona pulled her shirt down.

“You were panicking,” Shirona answered, walking toward the black stove. “Worked on Americans I trained in the past. Like hitting a reset switch.” She paused in front of the stove, then looked directly at him. “Have you had breakfast yet?”

“I normally skip breakfast,” he answered. “You’ve had slaves before Lena?”

“You’re having breakfast,” she ordered, walking toward the leaf-green fridge. “How do you like your eggs?”

“No tha-”

Chris stopped talking at the look she gave him.

“Scrambled, with ham and cheese.”

“Swiss, cheddar, or parmesan? I don’t keep the oil product.”

“Cheddar.” He started to stand as he saw her grabbing eggs from a drawer inside the fridge. “Perhaps I can h-”

“Sit,” Shirona ordered, pointing at the seat while grabbing a package of shredded cheddar. “Sexybutt and I took on five subs before Kitten. We would train them, then let them find a dominant that suits them.” She sighed as she stopped in front of the stove, reaching up to open the Celebi-decorated cabinets. “Lena is special. Before her, sex with subs didn’t happen for us. After...” A small smile decorated her lips. “I don’t think I should tell you about after just yet.”

Then her eyes turned toward him, away from the skillet that now sat on the stove. “That is why you must understand. Being her teammate includes this lifestyle, and it includes us. It includes me.” Her gaze turned toward the pan again, in time to flip the eggs. “If you can’t handle that, then don’t stick around after breakfast.”

“How did you know?” Chris asked, looking at the table.

The Litwick light was gone.

Shirona sighed. “Everyone does.” She casually added cheese and ham pieces to the omelet. “At some point, it hits them who I am.” She began to mix the eggs, cheese, and ham together. “It’s up to you. But if you’re going to request a different teammate, I’d rather you do it today.”

Chris frowned as he watched her, how she carefully divided the scrambled eggs into two parts to separate between plates. Her shoulders had a tenseness to them, and her movements the slight stiffness of someone hiding they are upset. He reeled his mental powers in, locking them behind his ever-present mental walls. This was a time for normal conversation.

“And if I stay?”

She turned toward him, holding both plates with a set of chopsticks on each. Shirona just stared expectantly at Chris until he finally realized he might be in her chair and stood. She indicated the next chair clockwise with a plate. As he sat down, he felt the warmer wood of this chair, having more direct exposure to what sunlight filtered in. She took the seat he abandoned, setting his plate on the table and picking up her chopsticks.

“Watch how I hold these,” Shirona said, letting him see as she placed her fingers carefully on her chopsticks.

Chris mimicked the action, watching her fingers carefully. She clicked her chopsticks once, and smile when he did the same. She leaned back in her chair, slipping her bare feet into his lap as she did, and picked up a piece of omelet to eat.

“If you stay, we test you,” Shirona answered. “And then we train you. Your school has an…” She paused, tilting her head as though searching for a term. “… adequate combat program. Their training would serve you well against the local Elite Four, and maybe even the lowest ranks of the World Tournament. But if you ever have to charge through a portal to an unknown dimension filled with alien threats and ruled over by a god-like Pokemon, you’ll just get slaughtered.”

Chris stopped, piece of egg held near his face by his chopsticks. “Is that really likely to happen?”

She smirked. “You’re around me, aren’t you?”

Chris just stared at her until she began to giggle. Realizing it was a joke, he shook his head and chuckled, then turned back to his food and took two more bites.

“Everyone asks eventually, so…” she began after a couple moments, then sighed. “No, I didn’t punch out, dance to death, wrestle, have sex with, uncreate, or whatever new ridiculousness they’re saying. I didn’t even see Giratina. I have never met Arceus or gotten him to make an egg in a set of ruins; I don’t even know how that rumor got started. I can’t summon hurricanes. I had no idea Ghetsis was around the second time I visited Unova. I didn’t use a hypnotic gaze to make Lena my love slave.” Shirona smiled softly. “Does that cover all of them?”

“It covers enough,” he answered. “How did you meet Lena? Even if most of your reputation isn’t true, you’re still one of the best trainers on Earth.”

“Not going to ask how I came to Plainsland City?” she countered, eyebrow raised.

“Is it any of my business?” He raised an eyebrow back at her.

“In time, maybe.” She slipped her feet out of his lap and got up, walking to the fridge. “What do you know of her empathy?”

Chris set the chopsticks down. “It’s overwhelming.”

Shirona nodded, opening the fridge and tapping on the door while looking inside. “She can’t turn it off.” She finally reached inside, pulling out a bottle of hard lemonade. “Koto’s going to be unhappy, but she’ll understand.” Then her eyes turned toward him. “Anything for you?”

Chris shook his head.

She sighed, closing the door and walking over to retake her seat. As she placed her feet back on his lap, she popped the cap off the bottle and took a swig. The soft scent of rose oil wafted from her, stirred by her motion and proximity. For a few moments, she said nothing, simply looking at the table and taking small sips of her alcohol.

“I don’t know how she found out I was here or my suite’s defenses,” Shirona began. “Or what she said to the front guard. Kotone and I were watching TV at the time when the door opened, and in came this girl who looked like she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in years.”

She paused to take a longer swig, then sat the bottle on the table. “Before I could fully react, I had a sixteen-year-old in my arms crying because, for the first time in years, she didn’t feel every emotion in the building.”

She turned her head to look at him. “She spent the rest of that year effectively living here and fully moved in when she turned seventeen.”

“Her parents never struck me as that trusting,” Chris muttered.

Shirona snickered. “They didn’t trust me at all.” She picked up the bottle and took a sip. “But they were desperate.”

“And you didn’t collar her until she turned eighteen,” Chris finished for her.

The blonde woman narrowed her eyes. “How do you know that?”

He grinned. “There’s a stripe of flesh on her neck that is a shade lighter. It showed up last summer.”

Shirona sighed. “Of course someone would notice that.” She frowned as she looked to her alcohol. “We delayed giving her permanent collars to avoid her getting bullied.”

“Give them to her,” Chris said, hands reaching to lightly rub the woman’s feet. “It’ll be a painful learning experience for anyone who tries to bully her.”

“Bit more pressure,” she replied, setting the alcohol aside and sliding down in her chair a bit to give him more access to her feet. “Tell me how you know her.”

He began to massage with more pressure, feeling out and rubbing on tension spots as he found them. Soft circles, to prevent causing muscle issues, as he paid attention to her feet. Her first groan brought a brief smile to his face.

“We were teamed up two years ago,” Chris answered. “I had seen her around before, but no part of our schedules matched. When I asked around, I was told she was this eternally-nervous, twitchy, psychic albatross around the neck.”

Shirona let out a much deeper moan.

“The only thing accurate about that description was ‘psychic.’” He turned his gaze to watch his hands, not trusting his sense of touch entirely. “She still had moments of random distraction or nervousness and was easily overwhelmed when tired. But the woman I met was confident and skilled, and only grew more so as time passed. When I asked, Athena said it was just puberty issues with psychic powers.”

“That’s the foul-minded Garvevoir, right?” she asked, drawing his gaze to her half-lidded eyes. “Her trainer uses ‘fuck’ like it comes from a salt shaker. Please don’t use foul language. She demonstrates why.”

Chris tilted his head a moment as he considered the mental image. “A salt shaker filled with sex might be fun.”

Shirona grinned. “Let me collar you and it might happen.”

He paused as he felt the heat on his face, only to speak as her grin turned predatory. “Anyway, I met her parents last summer, and they didn’t tell me anything about you. I just knew she moved out.”

She smirked at his segue, but said nothing.

“But last night was entirely new.” He began to massage up one calve. “I’ve never seen her completely relaxed before.”

Shirona pulled her legs from his lap, adjusting her body to where she could sit up straight. She looked at him carefully, eyes slowly studying his face from hairline to jaw. Finally, she turned to the table, drumming her fingers on it as a pensive look crossed her features.

“Would you like to see more?” she finally asked. “Thanksgiving is next week. We’re visiting Kotone’s brother in Alola. You could come with us. It might help you adapt.”

“My parents won’t like it.”

An evil grin crossed her face. “You need clothes for today.”

Chris pushed the plate away. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be finishing the meal. “Do you have any I could wear?”

Her grin only grew. “No.”

He sighed and rubbed his face a moment, before pulling his hands down and looking at her. “Before I give my parents a heart attack, what do the collars mean?”

She drummed her fingers on the table as she thought a moment. “BDSM isn’t simple. It’s more of an umbrella…” She trailed off as she saw the look on his face. “You just want to know what it means for us?” At his nod, she continued. “Levels of commitment. A training collar is just someone we’re teaching. A temporary collar is like dating. A permanent collar is a form of marriage.”

“Isn’t she a bit young for a marriage commitment?”

Shirona smiled. “Not any more than you. We just wanted to help her. And then she convinced us to take her on as a submissive. Soon, she was included in our major decisions. It was only my stubbornness that kept her out of our bed so long.” She sighed and finished what was left of her alcohol. “The sneaky little meowth snuggled her way into our marriage.”

Chris smiled as she finished. He didn’t need to be an empath to feel the affection in her last sentence; it spoke through the soft smile that played upon her lips and the slight hint of a happy tone that decorated her speech.

Then those grey eyes turned toward his, curiosity reflected in them. And then mirth.

“You can’t delay calling them forever,” she said.

“Not even if I accept your collar?” he teased.

She smirked. “Then I’d order you to call them.”

He sighed and nodded. She leaned back to open a drawer, pulling out a green-covered handheld device. He watched as she pressed a button below the screen, waited for it to boot up, and then started pressing several places on the screen, with a brief pause toward the end. When she was finally done, she slid it over to him, allowing him to see the bottom of the communicator was rounded while the rest had flat sides, save for a small bubble in the center of the top.

He gave her a glance, noticed she was watching him intently, and sighed again. It was just a simple matter of tapping the phone number on the screen and waiting.

His father answered on the third ring. “Yeah?”

“Dad, it’s me,” Chris said. “Um… You know where Club Marill is?”

There was a moment of silence. “Son, I don’t know how you found out about that, but it was just one class to spice up our marriage…”

Chris facepalmed and tried to ignore the soft cackle from Shirona. “No, Dad. I’m there. I need set of clothes delivered.”

This time, there was a couple minutes of silence. “Son, I support you, but there are things about your, um, lifestyle I don’t want to know…”

Shirona clasped her hands over her mouth as her body quaked with laughter at the expression of horror on Chris’s face.

“It’s nothing like that yet,” Chris began.

“Yet?”

Chris ignored the question. “And, I’m going to miss Thanksgiving…”

“Sparring clothes,” Shirona whispered as she stood.

“Son, what’s going on?”

Chris sighed one more time before he began recounting the past twenty-four hours.

 

[UselessBytes]

Good chapter so far. (I'm assuming there will be a 3B.) There's much less of what I described in my last review, although that may be partially from the lack of things to go into detail about thins chapter, but who knows? (Well, you do.) Other than that i don't have much to say in terms of critique.

Also, dammit, now I'll never be able to think of Magnemite without seeing one lazily floating in front of a laptop browsing Vevo.

 

[Ghostsoul]

I've decided that I should probably write some more Prologue and Chapter 1 Reviews reviews and because themes of your story intrigued me so I decided that you should be next on the list!
This again, is just what first came to mind (generally) when I read your fic.

Time for the prologue:

General Howitz was not a happy man. Despite his slowly-increasing weight and long-receded completely-white hairline, the general's blue eyes still managed the glare that made even the most battle-hardened of soldiers nervous.

I'm not a fan of the idea of describing character appearance within the first few paragraphs of a story unless it's done slowly. This is done rather quickly and seems a little clunky to me. Also, Howitz overall temperament seems rather irrelevent to the rest of the scene? Unless it will become important later.

And right now, the rail-thin, glasses-wearing scientist before him fidgeted. A white labcoat, seeming ubiquitous for scientists and doctors, over a thin body clad in a T-shirt advertising Grand Theft Pokemon 5 and a pair of jeans. The scientist's shoulder blade-length black hair and eye shape were the only hints in his face towards his Japanese grandfather, while his green eyes reflected the more Norse ancestry that dominated the rest of his appearance. He was one of the few people the General had to look upward at.

There is describing a character's appearance within the first paragraph of the story, and then there is describing in unesseary detail. Although I won't say it's excessive there is a lot here that you can cut out is his 'Norse ancestry or Japanese grandfather' for instance is detail that isn't important enough for the reader to receive all at once.

"What do you mean escaped?"

The scientist tapped his fingers nervously. "Well, um, we think she managed to crawl out through the air ducts..."

I personally think this could have worked as a better starting point for the chapter. It builds up some good mystery for the rest of the story.

Elsewhere

The reader themselves can probably work this out without prompting, plus the 'elsewhere' kind of splits up the writing in a more jarring way than an interesting way something like an 'x' '-' or '*' would work better for splitting up the chapter.

The Ralts

'A' Ralts might work better here, but only for this first line. The reader can easily work out that the Raltz is the same Raltz. With the whole previous section mentioning 'The Raltz' specfically a lot, 'A Raltz' just might give them a small break.

The natural camouflage pattern of the Ralt's body, a variation from the normal white that came with how she was created, helped her blend into the undergrowth. Still, not one sign of other Pokemon existed now that she was awake.

This is some nice description and world-building here, it gives good insight into the environment and the character of The Raltz.

The Ralts hugged her knees to her chest, shivering from the cooled air. This was nothing like the lab. Nothing like the life she had known since she hatched. She had been on her own for four days, ever since the head of the program helped her escape. Traveling west in hopes of getting far enough away.

I think this is giving good insight into the Raltz backstory without giving it to us in too much of an 'infodump' style as well as helps the reader build sympathy for the character themselves.

She had heard a hunter a day back mention a city 'straight west as the Pidgey flies.' She just had to find it.

A small mystery to keep the reader hooked and set-up the story nicely.


Interlude: Silph Co

There is a good chance I won't get to explain this in detail in the story much, but it is information people may want to know.

I'm sort of confused. This is you as the author speaking, yes? Shouldn't information like this be revealed in the story itself rather than in supplement material? Most stories don't need supplement material to support or show their world-building.

It was quickly discovered that Team Rocket was hired by Silph Co. to work on a black-book experiment code-named Project Psybomb.

This was also revealed to the audience a little too quickly and would have been more effectively delivered in the story rather than in the supplement material.

In the end, Silph Co. was brought to trial by the United Nations. The company managed to survive the trial, but walked away with the Silph Scope banned by international law and most of its patents stripped.

This, however, does provide some good world-building and subtly introduces the idea of Pokemon in the real world to the reader.

Chapter 1:

Through the smoke he could see Lena, her purple hair floating behind her and eyes blazing green as she called upon all of her psychic power to keep herself from being crushed.

This, however, feels like a more effective character appearance and introduction than the way you introduced the first characters at the very begging!

Are you two alright? came the telepathic voice of their instructor, a Gardevoir named Athena. She was standing over the pair, a look of concern in her eyes as she held the tablet that controlled the rainbow-spotted holo pad at the center of the room.

Exactly! The Gardevoir was practically giddy. If someone gives you a stupid order, tell them to fuck off. You job is not to throw your life away without very good reason.

The Gardevoir seems concerned at first but then is rather rude. Was her original politeness a form of deception? I'm not too sure what to make of her character.

Better believe it, motherfucker, came the Pokemon’s answer.

It's okay to have a character that swears-silly but unless you plan of carefully characterizing her, she might come across as more comedic than dramatic. What is your intent?

Chris’s eyes turned toward as he watched Slut Girl, actually named Enrico,

The arrival of Enrico seems a little out of nowhere, but it might have been me personally getting a little confused but it might just be the narrative it's Third-person omniscient, right? (Sorry, I don't read third-person fiction much) it seems to dip into Third-Person limited for Chris's rather biting description of 'Slut Girl'.

I think you very much have the technical aspect right for the most part, the writing generally flows very well and manages to hook the reader in with a bit of mystery at the end of each chapter. The world-building is rather rich in places (although the need for interlude's seem a bit unesseary to me it really is best to explain world-building elements, no matter how complex in story). I don't have many opinions, if any on many of the characters but you haven't introduced them properly as of the first chapter. I would say Lena seems interesting enough, Chris isn't the sort of person I would root for (I'm guessing he's some kind of anti-hero though, so it works), Athena might be interesting or she might be silly and I am yet to form a proper opinion on Enrico. I think you have a rather exciting story with a nice premise and I'm interested to see how it might turn out.

 

[Ereshkigal]

I've decided that I should probably write some more Prologue and Chapter 1 Reviews reviews and because themes of your story intrigued me so I decided that you should be next on the list!
This again, is just what first came to mind (generally) when I read your fic.

Yay! Thank you

I'm sort of confused. This is you as the author speaking, yes? Shouldn't information like this be revealed in the story itself rather than in supplement material? Most stories don't need supplement material to support or show their world-building.

I am not ignoring the rest. Just taking it into consideration quietly and planning to address it more as I complete the rest of Chapter 3.

It is me as the author speaking. Part of why I included it is, as I discussed above, the fact that this isn't recent history from the aspect of two of the characters. This is stuff they learned about in school, like Enron for many kids today would be. However, I am looking at trying to include a lot more of this material in the story.

The problem is, like Enron, this isn't likely something to come up often except in reference. Having a full conversation about it comes across as forced in every convo I've plotted so far. It is going to be a challenge.

The Gardevoir seems concerned at first but then is rather rude. Was her original politeness a form of deception? I'm not too sure what to make of her character.

It's okay to have a character that swears-silly but unless you plan of carefully characterizing her, she might come across as more comedic than dramatic. What is your intent?

The intent is that she comes across as swearing to an amount that is quite silly. It actually does come up in Chapter 3; and a small portion of the discussion has already been posted.

The arrival of Enrico seems a little out of nowhere, but it might have been me personally getting a little confused but it might just be the narrative it's Third-person omniscient, right? (Sorry, I don't read third-person fiction much) it seems to dip into Third-Person limited for Chris's rather biting description of 'Slut Girl'.

It's third-person limited. In the Prologue, we're limited to the perspective of the Ralts character. In Chapter 1, Chris. Chapter 2, Lena. The Special and Chapter 3A, Chris. Some of the descriptions and terms used change to reflect the character whose perspective we're limited to. There are also times when the information given for one character's description of something contradicts earlier information given because of something one character knows that another doesn't.

That's why Enrico is made to feel like he comes out of nowhere. You're feeling exactly what Chris felt at that moment, which I tried to subtly lampshade with Lena's confusion and Chris's response to her. Neither one has any idea of what's going on and are just as confused as you are as to what that was about.

I think knowing it's third-person limited and you're getting the perspective of the POV character causes the descriptions to reveal a bit more than they would as third-person omniscient.

I think you very much have the technical aspect right for the most part, the writing generally flows very well and manages to hook the reader in with a bit of mystery at the end of each chapter. The world-building is rather rich in places (although the need for interlude's seem a bit unesseary to me it really is best to explain world-building elements, no matter how complex in story). I don't have many opinions, if any on many of the characters but you haven't introduced them properly as of the first chapter. I would say Lena seems interesting enough, Chris isn't the sort of person I would root for (I'm guessing he's some kind of anti-hero though, so it works), Athena might be interesting or she might be silly and I am yet to form a proper opinion on Enrico. I think you have a rather exciting story with a nice premise and I'm interested to see how it might turn out.

I plan to work on the world-building a lot more as far as in-story.

Oh, wait until you read Chapter 2 and see another aspect of Lena's character. She is quite possibly the most interesting in the exact opposite impressions you can get of her. It gives some weight to what Chris says about her. She really is a fun character to explore.

Chris is going to be an interesting character. He has a lot of growth to undergo. I am glad someone picked up that he's not really a hero at the moment. It'll be amusing if someone can figure out why, and what his motivation for continuing to be a Trainer is.

Enrico I won't spoil anything about.

Athena is intended to be a bit of a drill sergeant. Her job, first and foremost, is to train the students and instill in them just enough proper paranoia that they survive their journeys. Including to not just blindly trust someone in an position of authority, even when that person has your best interests in mind. The fact she is teaching them to ask questions also gives a massive hint as to where they are in their education.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Chapter 3B​

It was the kiss that woke her. The soft, almost shy teasing of lips pressing against her own that became more forceful and more wanting as she began to respond, her soft flesh pressing back, hungry for the affection that single gesture of love offered.

Other sensations, of a far more sensual nature, flooded her mind at the same time as she felt a certain hunger from her partner’s mind. Her eyes lazily opened to look into the grey gaze of her blonde lover, body writhing against touches that knew her far too well. Soft moans and whimpers escaped their ever-locking lips, occasionally louder in the moments between kisses, as the two continued their morning affair. It was not long before her body began its finish of their routine, her cries stifled by the mouth and tongue of the woman on top of her.

Shirona put a shushing finger on Lena’s lips as she broke the kiss, looking to the other two in the bed. Lena didn’t need to look; she could feel their minds, still heavy with the dullness of sleep. Instead, the young woman smirked to her Mistress as she realized what the blonde was up to, then adjusted the panties back into position and rolled to the side while the Japanese woman slowly crept over the sleeping form of her wife.

Lena smirked as Mistress slowly slipped Madame’s golden mask off, a gentle touch and subtle sliding all that was necessary to pull it off. Shirona barely suppressed a giggle as she held it up for Lena to take. The young submissive quickly grabbed the mask, dropping it on the floor just off the bed. As Mistress moved to grab Kotone’s hands, Lena grabbed the TV remote and laid it on her own hip, where it would be out of the way rather than crushed under Shirona’s knee beside Madame.

As soon as her wrists were grasped, Kotone awoke. “What are you doing?”

Shirona transferred both of Kotone’s wrists to one hand, then laid a shushing finger over Madame’s lips and nodded toward Chris’s sleeping form.

“Shiro, no,” Kotone frantically whispered. Lena could feel the hint of the other, more primal emotion growing in her mind.

Mistress giggled and leaned in close, teasing, “If you say ‘stop,’ I will.”

Madame merely gave her a look.

Mistress giggled again and moved more over Madame, adjusting the scarred woman’s hands to be pinned above her head. Kotone blushed and began to writhe in embarrassment, though Lena could feel the woman’s growing excitement. Then Shirona slid an arm up Kotone’s dress, causing Madame to go wide-eyed and begin to writhe in protest.

“Shiro, no. Don’t. Not while we have a guest. No, Shiro,” Kotone protested, even as she began to writhe in a more excited way. “Please, don’t…”

Mistress said nothing, merely continuing, ignoring the ongoing protests of the woman beneath her. Lena grinned as she watched. At no time did she hear Kotone use the word ‘stop,’ even when the woman began to let out soft whimpers and other sounds of enjoyment from the action. And much to Lena’s surprise, Chris was still asleep; he did not seem to notice the writhing and other movement on the bed.

Finally, Kotone arched her back as much as she could under Shirona and cried out, “SHIIIIIIIROOOOOOOOO!”

“Oh no,” Lena whispered, watching as Chris sat up, twisting instantly to sit on the side of the bed as his sleeping mind worked on autopilot.

Kotone and Shirona both froze, watching him as best as they could from their position on the bed. Lena bit her lip; she could feel the confusion in his mind as it began to become aware, though was still asleep. As he continued to look around, she saw Chauncey, Mistress’s Litwick, make a face at him from the night table and hop down to scamper off; she hadn’t actually known it was in the room until that very moment, as she had been more than a little distracted this morning. Lena couldn’t help but giggle at the creature’s mockery, though quickly stopped when she saw Chris freeze a moment.

When it became apparent that Chris hadn’t really noticed, Mistress relaxed a moment. Madame gave her a quick startled look as the blonde woman began again, her blush growing before she began to writhe once more. And then Kotone whimpered, causing Chris to turn and look right at them.

As she felt his mind fully awaken and begin to comprehend, Lena gave Chris a wink and grin. Shirona turned toward him and, after a second, motioned toward the door with her head. Chris merely smiled and shook his head, his mind more amused than anything, and stood to head out. Lena saw him stop by the door, which had been partially left open by Chauncey despite how many times the Ghost had been scolded for it, with a brief flash of further confusion before he headed out.

Mistress turned to kiss Madame deeply, then pulled her hand out from the nightgown and motioned for Lena to join in.

---

Lena and Kotone were laying together some time after Shirona left. Lena had her eyes closed and softly stroked Madame’s belly under the sheet, enjoying the sensation of flesh against flesh. But she could feel the undercurrent of sadness that had entered Madame’s mind once the pair had relaxed, and it seemed to not be going away.

Finally, Lena sighed. I guess school today isn’t a good choice. “Madame, you still owe me a punishment.”

Lena didn’t need to see Kotone’s face to know the woman smiled; the feeling of soft affection in the woman’s mind told her everything, though the sadness remained.

“Perhaps,” the Asian woman said after a second, before reaching down to idly lift Lena’s collar while shifting her head to look. “Looks like there was Spinarak silk in your collar cover.”

Lena winced. That meant she had a mild allergy rash. “I can take the punishment…”

“Safety first, pet.” Madame sighed. “Now, kneel beside the bed so I-”

“Crustacean Drive,” Lena interrupted, before turning her eyes to her partner. “Kotone, please.”

Kotone reached a hand up to unclasp Lena’s collar. “You don’t have to do this. I’ll be fine.”

She didn’t hesitate, shifting to straddle the older woman and leaning in to look her in the face as soon as her collar slid off. “I can do it.”

“I know you and Shiro worry about me,” the Asian woman muttered. “And I know she’d be in here with you if we didn’t have a guest.” Then she looked her partner in the eyes. “But I’m not the broken husk they dug out of that cave. A moment of sadness won’t hurt me.” And as soon as Lena opened her mouth to speak, Kotone added, “I’m not visiting the memorial!”

Lena tilted her head, feeling the mixture of bitterness and sadness tint the woman’s mind. And then, rather than speak, she leaned in and let a soft kiss speak her opinion. She could feel surprise, then happy acceptance from the other woman’s mind before the kiss was returned in full and arms wrapped around her.

Lena smiled as the kiss ended, nuzzling her scarred lover. “I wasn’t going to ask about Japan. I met your egg donor, remember?”

“’Egg donor?’” Kotone asked, her voice tinged with laughter. “You Americans come up with the most delightful euphemisms.”

“Not my place to say worse.”

“Shiro says worse,” Kotone pointed out. “I’m not going to hold it against you.”

“Shirona’s entitled. She helped you put yourself back together and start to live again after that bi-” Lena stopped herself only by sheer force of will, then groaned and buried her head in Kotone’s neck. “Please, just let me cheer you up.”

Despite the lingering sadness, the affection and amusement in Kotone’s mind were stronger at the moment. “How are you doing with your Pikachu Project?”

Lena smiled. “I taught your Chatot the song. The Pikachus know the dance. I just need to get them in sync.” She looked into Kotone’s eyes and grinned. “I’m going to be so spanked for this. But worth it.”

Kotone grinned wickedly. “After Caramelldansen, do Poker Face. Shiro likes that one too.”

Lena buried her face in the Japanese woman’s neck again and giggled. “She still thinks I’m hacking her holo caster!”

Kotone giggled as well, then grinned and stroked Lena’s hair. “That’s my fault. I keep changing her wallpaper to yaoi and blaming it on you.” And then she sighed and stroked Lena’s hair. “If I let you snuggle me all day, will you stop pressing on punishment? I think I need this more.”

Lena leaned to give Kotone a kiss. “Of course, love.”

“Are we finished with serious talk?” the Japanese woman asked. “We need to put on clothes, I need to salve your neck, and I have to ask which of the Joys is willing to come here.”

Lena nodded and reached for the collar. She hated being without it, but knew Madame was right; it would only irritate her still-mild rash and cause it to hurt later. She was looking forward to when she’d get one she didn’t have to take off in public.

---

Lena sighed, closing her eyes as she kneeled. As she lowered herself to the ground, she sent a brief telekinetic burst behind her, to sweep her hair back so it would not be trapped by her knees. The entire motion had been practiced so many times the psychic motion had become pure reflex and even Athena had trouble sensing when she did it.

Lena rested her rear on her ankles, knees beneath her and hands clasped on her lap, as she waited by the bedroom’s computer, right where she would almost be touched by the bedroom door if anyone came in. The light green t-shirt she wore, chosen to go with her red hair and light blue jeans, had to be adjusted to keep its lower edge from beneath her knees. She had reached for a scrunchie to keep her hair back, but Kotone had lightly batted her hand away; she wasn’t to be allowed to tie up her hair today.

As Kotone pulled back her hair, waiting while a soft ringing came from the computer, Lena focused on keeping her head down and keeping herself perfectly still. She tried not to think about how the ever-changing arbitrary restrictions on clothing sometimes irked her. But her thoughts were quickly distracted from that as she felt the cool touch of the anti-allergy cream upon her neck.

“You’ve reached Principal Sherman of the Truman Trai-” a male voice began as the call connected. “Oh fuck. It’s you.” His tone made his irritation loud and clear. “What the fuck is it this time?”

“Would you prefer to talk to Shirona?” Kotone asked sweetly as she continued to spread the salve on Lena’s neck.

“Fuck no! She’d just threaten me with Tauri and Pikachu urine again,” he answered. “So, spank your slave too fucking much? Her fucking allergies again? I don’t have all fucking day.”

“Training,” she answered, before stopping to give Lena a kiss on the head. “Her partner obtained a Ralts entirely by accident, so both are getting starter training today.”

“That was today’s plan anyway.” Lena could hear him tapping some buttons. “Marking it down as offsite training, so not counted as an absence. I’ll let Athena know so she’s not pissed. She gets to ranting and I have to let her cool the fuck down.”

“How did someone like him end up with a Gardevoir?” Kotone asked as the call ended; Lena didn’t know how she knew that, only that there was some subtle change. “Keep your hair off your neck.”

Lena nodded to the order, focusing her power to create a sustained kinetic field around her neck, forcing her hair to stay back from it. She smiled a moment as she focused on the effect, ignoring the sound of ringing from the computer as Madame called another number. While waiting for an answer, the Asian woman absent-mindedly stroked Lena’s cheek. The stroking did not stop as the call was finally answered, though Lena knew from the stroking she was not to listen in.

Lena had almost slipped into a trance when the bedroom door opened, followed by Shirona entering. It took all of the girl’s willpower to not look up at the tall blonde, though she inclined her head just slightly to let the woman know she had noticed the entry. Mistress responded by placing a single fingertip under the edge of Lena’s chin, using a very light pressure to guide the girl’s head up so she could examine the neck. Then, after a nod, Shirona slid her finger more inward, nearly to the girl’s neck, and gave a soft press. Lena stood at the command, rocking back to place her feet fully behind her before standing at attention so she could be examined. After a moment of looking over her clothes, Shirona leaned in to give Lena a soft, approving peck.

“Madame called in for Chris and I, Mistress,” Lena whispered quietly, keeping her voice low so as to not interrupt the conversation behind her.

Shirona tensely nodded. “Dress me. Sparring outfit.”

“No, she won’t talk about candles again,” Kotone said loudly, giving a pointed look to Lena as the girl started towards the dresser; it was apparent that Madame was talking to the head of the local Pokemon Center. “But your daughter should have taken one of our classes before experimenting. And Laura will have more awkward questions if we gag her.”

Lena glanced back to Shirona. Mistress’s muscles were taut with tension, her entire body almost seeming to lightly vibrate from the swirling emotions. Her fact remained studiously blank, but the way her legs and arms seemed ready to pounce told a different story. Lena was familiar enough with the woman to know this meant she was worried, and her gaze being locked on Kotone said everything of what Shirona was worried about.

Lena knew what she was ordered to do, but also knew something more important was needed. She turned away from the dresser and walked over to wrap her arms around Mistress, softly nuzzling against her shoulder afterwards. Shirona stiffened in surprise, but quickly relaxed, kissed Lena’s head, and began to softly stroke up and down the girl’s spine. The pair stayed like that for a bit, Lena cuddling her Mistress while standing, until finally Shirona tapped her shoulder and pointed to the computer.

“Could you repeat that?” Shirona asked.

“The Defense Department sent a notice through the IPCO network,” the Joy on the computer said. “They’re looking for a Ralts with camouflage skin and five fingers.”

“Fuck,” Lena whispered before letting out a yelp at the resulting swat to her rear.

“Language,” Mistress whispered, before speaking louder to the computer. “Can you isolate your grid from American monitoring systems?”

There was a moment of silence before the Joy responded. “I cannot. You should not expect Laura to show up today at around noon, when she should be shopping.” There was a brief pause. “And if she does violate my orders and stops by to pick up information on one of your Arceus-awful classes, she would have to disable the monitoring software in our portable healing kits to prevent me from knowing. I will make certain she has one on hand so I know if she’s being seduced by your wicked ways. Understood?”

“We understand you perfectly,” Shirona answered. “And please remind Laura her safe word is Simisage. I wouldn’t want her to get spanked when she doesn’t want it.”

There was another brief pause, followed by the Joy speaking through gritted teeth. “Perfectly understood.”

“Well, now that is done,” Madame said, before reaching down to open a drawer and pull out a large feather.

Shirona raised her hands immediately, backing away slowly and almost wiggling as she saw the evil grin that decorated Kotone’s face. “D-Dear, we have a guest…”

“You should have thought of that before exciting our pet and leaving her with me,” Madame said as she stood, her grin only getting more malicious as Mistress squirmed. “Try not to be too loud.”

Shirona let out a small whimper as she backed herself into a corner, watching her wife approach like a wolf that had cornered its prey.

Spoiler: Author's Note

There are two more parts to this chapter. I'm breaking it up like this for the sanity of both anyone reading and myself. Also, I'm enjoying a certain amount of foreshadowing.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Chapter 2:

Most people were like continents

Despite what little of John Green that I've read, I'm actually getting 'John Green' feelings from this metaphor.

Hills, valleys, and mountains comprised thstronger minds, the ones that either stood above the rest or had such of a mental shield they impacted the taste of the crowd. But Chris was entirely different; staring at his mind was like staring at the open ocean, with no signs of the roiling currents that lay beneath the gentle surface. Even when he used his telepathic ability to merge their minds, his thoughts remained subsurface, operating below the level of normal human awareness.

*the stronger minds
This metaphor is pretty interesting but it is rather wordy.

In many ways, it’s what she liked about him. Whenever she started to feel too anxious or overwhelmed while near him, she focused on the calmness of his mind to balance herself.

Again with the wordiness, can that whole metaphor really roughly equate to one sentence?

“Deal.” Lean

*Lena

“Did you see the latest Walking Dead?” Chris asked as they started to walk toward the club’s front doors, not bothering with the line.

Seems like quite a quick shift in conversation. The large amount of pop culture references might be good at worldbuilding, but it's an awful lot in one place and eventually gets a bit dull to read about.

each with a story that could fill a novel.

Or a fanfic?

She shifted uncomfortably at the memory. “Um… Have you noticed the television? It’s perfect for watching movies on. Especially Star Trek movies.”

Again with the over use of pop culture references. Did they actually watch Star Trek movies on that TV?

“{How did Mistress get you in this dress?}” Lena asked, switching to Japanese.

I think it's alright to not use the '{' when they switched to the other language, I think most of the readers would be able to tell.

Shirona, in her best demon-sounding voice

Wouldn't 'demonic' work a little better here?

Shirona’s mind faded into Lena’s senses like a science fiction spaceship decloaking.

Odd metaphor and the way it is worded slows down the overall 'flow' of the sentence.

With it came the woman’s emotions, expressed similarly to a gravity wave emanating from the vessel.

Hmm, I'm not quite sure this line works.

“So, Chris, do you have a Pokedex yet?

Feels a little bit out of place, and a little bit off-topic.

There isn't much to say about this chapter, there are some good descriptions of location and of clothing although they are very much 'clumps' of detail which are delivered to the reader all at once. I think the purpose of this chapter was to introduce the characters and have them talk to give us some world-building concepts without too much drama. I feel like it carries on a bit too long and I don't have many thoughts on Kontone or Shirona yet and my thoughts on Chris and Lena haven't changed much either, Lena is still pretty mysterious though which I will say and I wonder what significance the Raltz might have.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Good chapter so far. (I'm assuming there will be a 3B.) There's much less of what I described in my last review, although that may be partially from the lack of things to go into detail about thins chapter, but who knows? (Well, you do.) Other than that i don't have much to say in terms of critique.

Also, dammit, now I'll never be able to think of Magnemite without seeing one lazily floating in front of a laptop browsing Vevo.

I intended to respond to this earlier, but I kept getting distracted >.< I swear, sometimes I have the attention span of Dog from Up.

There's actually a lot in that chapter to describe... far more than in prior. But, I'm cutting a lot of the description because it's not needed. A bit more than I feel comfortable with, but at the same time it's not bogging down the narrative with description as much.

And, I thought it was cute. I wonder if you caught the other Pokemon that was hanging around Chris? XD

Chapter 2:


Despite what little of John Green that I've read, I'm actually getting 'John Green' feelings from this metaphor.

I haven't read any John Green, but I've added a note to my reading list.

*the stronger minds

I have no idea how this typo got in there. It wasn't in the Word version.

This metaphor is pretty interesting but it is rather wordy.


Again with the wordiness, can that whole metaphor really roughly equate to one sentence?

I based this in part on how a lot of real-world people who claim psychic powers try to describe the sensations. There are a lot of extremely wordy metaphors and similes for very simple concepts.

It's also based on very real conversations between people with different ranges of the same sense. The same phenomenon crops up, where one person trying to get across a noise they can hear that another cannot can get extremely heavy in metaphor and simile in trying to convey the sense.

I was trying to convey the information in a way reflective of how someone like Lena, who has a sense that most people simply don't have, might come to understand it through having had to repeatedly communicate that information to people who don't share the same basic understanding.

*Lena

Thank you! I have no idea how I missed that typo.

Seems like quite a quick shift in conversation. The large amount of pop culture references might be good at worldbuilding, but it's an awful lot in one place and eventually gets a bit dull to read about.

Again with the over use of pop culture references. Did they actually watch Star Trek movies on that TV?

It was also intended for characterization. A way to hint at a personality trait the two share. But, I am making a note to have that it can get dull brought up by someone else later on. Probably Shirona. That's a good idea, and a way to further cement that personality trait for the reader without boring them to tears and back.

Or a fanfic?

A dozen fanfics. I could write a few novels just about the crowd purely describing them alone

I really wanted to go into detail about that crowd, but I also knew it wasn't important. I am considering visiting some of those other characters in later fanfics, and maybe highlighting their lives as I build the region. Definitely planning on doing a story about Lenny. He's such a minor character in this story, but what I have written up about him...

I think it's alright to not use the '{' when they switched to the other language, I think most of the readers would be able to tell.

I'll admit it's used purely for visual simplification. My original plan was just to use italics for everything, but after some conversing with AceTrainer I realized how confusing this would be... especially when someone is speaking Japanese through telepathy, speaking and using telepathy at the same time, or other combined communication. If I as the author have to reread it three times to figure out what's going on, then I automatically assume the reader is going to be even more confused because they are not privy to my thoughts when I was writing it.

I actually do plot out a lot of conversations well beforehand; what you see in the story is typically post-wording and editing out the bits that are unnecessary. My original plotting of Chapter 2, for example, had them going into a quite-detailed conversation about why Shirona doesn't like foul language and using Athena as an example of part of her reasoning; this has been barely touched on with what's posted of Chapter 3, but will be fully posted instead of the (unnecessary but funnier) conversation about Shirona supposedly murdering people (it was supposed to be an extension of the conversation about how her reputation is mostly exaggeration and urban myth already posted).

Wouldn't 'demonic' work a little better here?

Yeah, it does. Altered it. It's a habit left over from writing a lot of fiction featuring demons. I found I needed an easy way to differentiate between "this voice sounds like a demon's" and "this voice actually is infernal" when writing those. Definitely not necessary here.

Odd metaphor and the way it is worded slows down the overall 'flow' of the sentence.

Hmm, I'm not quite sure this line works.

I added back in a small paragraph I had cut because I didn't like the flow of it. I realized at your critique that I shouldn't have removed it.

Feels a little bit out of place, and a little bit off-topic.

That's because it is. It's probably obvious as of what's posted of Chapter 3 what's going on, but I don't want to spoil it until that chapter is fully posted.

There isn't much to say about this chapter, there are some good descriptions of location and of clothing although they are very much 'clumps' of detail which are delivered to the reader all at once. I think the purpose of this chapter was to introduce the characters and have them talk to give us some world-building concepts without too much drama. I feel like it carries on a bit too long and I don't have many thoughts on Kontone or Shirona yet and my thoughts on Chris and Lena haven't changed much either, Lena is still pretty mysterious though which I will say and I wonder what significance the Raltz might have.

Even I found Chapter 2 a bit too long for one posting, and that was post-editing. A lesson learned for future chapters. It's why it is that Chapter 3 is four parts instead of the two I originally planned.

The Ralts is going to be fun. I love what I've written up about her.

 

[Ghostsoul]

It was also intended for characterization. A way to hint at a personality trait the two share. But, I am making a note to have that it can get dull brought up by someone else later on. Probably Shirona. That's a good idea, and a way to further cement that personality trait for the reader without boring them to tears and back.

I think a better way of doing this being have them go into more detail about what they like about it. Is it the action, the character, the environment, genre or popularity? You do go into some detail, but I think more about why they like something will say more about the character, instead of listing many things that they like with only small reasons behind them.

 

[Ereshkigal]

I think a better way of doing this being have them go into more detail about what they like about it. Is it the action, the character, the environment, genre or popularity? You do go into some detail, but I think more about why they like something will say more about the character, instead of listing many things that they like with only small reasons behind them.

I plan to look at that as well. Work on it a bit. Though, again, making certain I don't bore the reader to tears or slow the plot too much.