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TEEN: Nervous Ticks

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Peaceful Giraffe

Dec 7, 2013
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So, this is an idea I've been nursing for a while. I rated it teen for violence and some deep psychological shit.

With that out of the way, on to the prologue!

My name is Michael. No last name. I was never sure why. I didn't ask my mom, because until the men in suits came to our house and called her by her full name, I didn't think she had a last name either. The men were scary. They wore dark sunglasses that shielded their eyes and perfectly pressed black suits. They moved in unison and pinned my mom to the wall. They wanted me, and they mentioned the ticking. It's been in my head as long as I can remember. My mom helped me live with it, in a way, but I know I can't live with anything now. I was hiding behind the doorframe when the suited men pushed her down. I saw what they did to her before I ran. Even though I'm pretty sure they didn't see me climb out the window, I'm still terrified. They found my mom. I think they'll find me, too.

I ran for a long time. My ultimate destination, as luck would have it, was a place I hadn't been before, but I was sure the suited men wouldn't follow. I stumbled over my own feet, which seemed to have grown as heavy as bricks. I never ran much before. I spent a lot of time with my mom, inside.

A tear ran down my cheek thinking about my mom. I reached the edge of the city and ducked into an alley. It was moldy and damp but it would do for shelter. Maybe I would come across a kind soul the next day.

I stared at the magnificent skyline for a while before my eyes finally drifted shut. Even then, my thoughts were far too troubled to sleep. I just listened to the ticking.
Interesting, but needs more description to help the reader visualize.

The mysterious men in suits coming to the house is attention-grabbing, but tell me more! What did these men say when they got to the house and approached his Michael's mother? You tell us the men were scary... Don't simply tell us that; show us through your words that they are scary.

Which is more effective:

1. The men in suits were scary.

2. Michael watched as the two disheveled men slithered towards his mother. Neither man relented when Michael's mother cowered, her trembling mouth quivering but unable to make sound.

Just focus on painting a vivid picture for the reader and the old rule: "show, don't tell."

Good start! You definitely have a good idea going here. Good luck!
Unfortunately, I need to lock this thread under Rule Two: Your prologue is waaaay under the 1000 word limit we have set on our content. Please consult the rulebook and then contact me when you have 1000 words and I will unlock the thread.
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