COMPLETE: (Original, Rapidash Racing) Riding Fire

[Fig]

Can't quite think of much to say - I'm bad with comments and YOU KNOW IT! So there! And thanks to you WRITING this I can't even hide behind my usual "I agree with Timarelay!" .

Still a good part, though - again more good work on developing the merciless environment they all work in (and how they have to make the best of it).

So, hmmm, yeah, that's all I can think of saying right now, other than great part.

Though - and I knwo I'm the last one to make that kind of comment - but it seems a bit wordy in places. "For her presence could have perfected the moment" seems to be going way out of your way to say things fancily ^^;.

Again, I know I'm the last one who should be making that kind of comment given my recent track record, but I've been thinking on that lately, and it seems to me that we tend to forget the good old KISS (Keep it Simple, Stupid) principle a lot among fanfic writers ^^;

 

[tyger]

I finally got around to reading this.

Very nicely done. There were flaws in each chapter in the execution and typos and such.

nothign major that a second read-through won't fix

one I can remember at the end of the first paragraph in chapter two.

"Prayer was good for the soul, they said, but he had sold his soul when he had started this business."

that should be in this business. he didn't start rapidash racing did he? he started within the business as a jockey.

there was rather large typo in the last chapter. Unfortunately I can't spot it now.

But it had somethign to do with the word "down"

BUt very nice to see somethign written by you again that isn't a short character sketch or a beautifully written poem (coughs-Etienne4evah-coughs)

 

[Timarelay]

Final Chapter! w00t!

I know the style of this fic is a bit convoluted and that I use a helluva lot of parallel structure.

B - Unfortunately, that's not me going out of my way to talk fancily ^^;; That's the only way I could think of wording that bit while keeping the structure of the sentence. I don't think that's a fancy way of wording things, but I guess it kind of is =/ I'm in the midst of trying to find my own style though so, we'll see what I settle down with.

Maybe if I change the for to an as?

Tyger - Ah, I'll fix that.

Thanks for reading, way back when, you guys ^^ Anyway, so here's the last bit that I don't like very much, but this is where I intended the story to end, and is, indeed, where it ends as a pokemon fic. I'm working on an original version that's the sibling story to Broken Angel(unicorns instead of Rapidash, because I've always wanted to write about them in a violent way).

Essentially, that is my saying that I don't think this bit is very good. There's parts of it that I like very much, and as a whole I think it's rather okay. I'm in the process of rewriting this bit for the original version(it's the chapter that changes the most) and so I didn't do much editting of this version.

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Chapter 4

The stadium was packed, as always, and the promise of blood had everyone squirming in their seats, straining to catch a glimpse of rapidash in the paddock, raging to begin the race. Ms. Tristan was settled in a private booth, and next to her sat Jesse. She sipped on a glass of red wine, full, a little tangy but she liked it that way. Jesse drank water from a bottle, gnawing lightly on the cap after.

"Are you excited?" She asked, setting her glass on the ebony table provided. The focus of her sharp brown eyes wandered around the vast course, then settled finally on the trainer.

"Partly, yes. More so nervous." Or terrified, rather. But he could not say it. Could not acknowledge the fear he felt for Philip, Diamond, and his own future as a trainer.

"I'm very excited, " she said, staring at the course again. "Especially with this view. Isn't it wonderful?"

"Yes, yes it is." He could see everything perfectly, would see everything perfectly. Every fall that broke bones, every flame that burnt flesh, every rapidash or rider that died.

She noticed how tense he was, but it did not bother her. It was natural for him to be so worried. She, however, was confidant. She had personally selected Diamond and her team, and she knew they had a good shot at winning, at being worth the money she spent on them.

And if they lost, she was assured a wonderful afternoon's entertainment anyway. For her, there could be no true loss today, and she liked it that way. This was what made her a benefactor. This was her role.

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Amity brushed Diamond's coat, aware that she would be filthy soon but knowing that brushing calmed the Rapidash, put her in a slightly less agitated state. Nothing could completely calm her, though. Nothing could block out the near roars of other raipdash bellowing and stomping their challenges to each other. Diamond answered, a sharp neigh that was her way cry. And to the rapidash, this was war. This was a parody of the races and battles they held in the wild, that determined who mated with whom, who ruled what land, who lived or died.

The brushing called Amity too, Kept her from thinking about the danger Philip and Diamond would soon be in. Kept her from thinking about how she would be out of a job after this. Hopefully with this experience she could gain a permanent position at a breeding stable, but if not she would have to work another job like this, rushed and tense.

"You can leave us now," Philip said, appearing at the door to Diamond's stable.

"Oh, right." Amity grabbed her tools and patted Diamond, lightly, on the back, then slipped out of the stable as Phillip slipped in. "Good lu-"

"Don't. We don't need it."

"Oh, well. Goodbye then," Amity said, knowing that this would be the last time she would see either Diamond or Philip. She could feel tears, did not want this to be happening. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wanted to do.

Philip looked at her, walked to the gate and stared straight into her eyes, standing inches away from her face. "Goodbye." And he closed the distance with his lips on hers, a very light kiss, barely there. His eyes were open and so were hers. Neither moved, except to breath and blink. Amity wanted to make the kiss real, wanted to grab his head and make the gate disappear so she could press their bodies together. But she could not and did not.

Diamond neighed again and they broke apart. Startled, Amity backed away a few steps, then smiled shyly and ran off.

Philip watched her go, head tilted to one side ever so slightly. He would miss her, a little. But right now his thoughts were on the race, and that alone. He turned to face Diamond and kissed her on the nose. She quieted, every muscle tense and ready to run. "Finally," he whispered, and she could smell his excitement and anxiety in his breath.

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Mounted on top of Diamond, Philip was as connected with her as he ever could be. He looked right in his jockey clothes, less gaunt than he sometimes seemed at the end of a tough day. His riding boots were shiny, though well broken in, as was his helmet. His outfit was mostly a dark forest green, with a light blue trim. The boots were black, as was his vest, except for a splash of the two colors on the back. He was made for this, to be there, right then. Everything felt right. He hated it. He hoped this worked.

He was highly aware of the other Rapidash and their riders, beside him but separated by their starting pens. Eighteen in all, for this race, the virgin racers. Often the bloodiest and most dangerous because the Rapidash do not quite know how to stop their opponents without deathblows.

Philip only raced virgin races.

He knew the time was near, could tell by the sudden quiet in the crowd. They held their breaths, waiting for that beautiful moment as the Rapidash burst free and ran and fought.

The gun fired.

The gates fell away.

Diamond galloped out, mind set, at first, on running. It was not long, however, before she became aware of the other Rapidash. A well aimed kick caught her in the side and she neighed in pain, instinctively lashing out with a flamethrower that barely hurt the Rapidash but light singed the rider. The first part of the course was simple hurdle jumps, made a little more by the vicious competition. Risking tiring her out a little early, Philip sped Diamond up, pushing her to jump over the hurdles far ahead of the other Rapidash. Noting the next obstacle, Philip slowed her down, had her walk through the two-foot deep pool. They made it halfway through without getting any wetter than necessary, but then the other Rapidash started to splash through and Philip stopped her. "Tackle," Philip whispered, directing Diamond at the Rapidash in the lead, the brash male that had kicked her earlier. Diamond slammed into him, taking him by surprise. The rider screamed as they both went down and into the water, probably now out of the race because the water would soak the Rapidash, and if not dried soon, he would die.

Not taking a moment to indulge in this triumph, Diamond galloped out of the water, still at least not as wet as the other Rapidash. That would be the only obstacle to involve water. The way water took out Rapidash was not sensational enough to excite the crowds.

Philip's strategies during the race were simple, speed when possible to avoid the fray, slow down in order to get through the obstacles, and select targets carefully. So far, he mostly remained in the money, within the first three spots, except when attacking, when he would occasionally hold Diamond back for a quick battle.

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"This is the smartest I have seen him race," Jesse said, trying his best to ignore the full on battle between two Rapidash that had taken a distinct disliking for each other, so strong that they gave up on racing and simply fought, ignoring their terrified riders. "He hasn't done anything incredibly rash..."

"It's rather disappointing. I was looking forward to a wild display or two," Ms. Tristan was on her third glass of wine and felt delightfully light-headed. Though she had originally been able to read the worry in the trainer's voice, now she ignored it, too caught up in the race and right now focusing on the mini-battle that was certain to end in at least one bloody death. "Ooh!" One Rapidash nearly speared the other's rider on its horn. "Close one."

"Too close," Jesse muttered, changing his focus back to Philip and Diamond. The jockey was planning something. Had to be. He always raced...rashly. Not carelessly, or he would be dead, but rashly enough that he would either win or die trying.

Now he seemed to race to win and live. What had he found to go on for?

Jesse wished that the bottle he clutched was full of something strongly alcoholic.

He wished that he was what Philip had found to live for.

And he wished that he was not so certain that he was not.

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And then there were five, for the last stretch, after the final obstacle. Diamond was exhausted and wild, struggling to hold onto third place, straining at the bit to try and attack one of the two in front of her. The Rapidash behind her got close enough to nip her rump and she kicked out, connecting with its neck and leaving a gash. The crowd cheered. Furious, the other Rapidash tried to bite again, only to have Diamond turn and rear, landing two sharp hooves on its shoulder. Crying out in agony, the Rapidash breathed fire that landed on no one, and fell, breaking something, according to the sharp snapping sound. Maybe its rider.

Diamond was now fourth. Furious, she sped up. Philip whispered into her ear constantly. Whispered words that were, to her, sounds, but sounds that she associated with speed, with freedom. He had dropped her reins and held her mane now, and she could feel his hands near her neck. She could feel his slight weight on her body. She could understand what he wanted her to do, and she approved.

She ran faster than she had ever run before, past the third Rapidash, past the second, past the first. They all tried to tackle her, tried to bite her, but none could; she was just too nimble, too damn fast. She held her own and crossed the finishing line, only barely registering the bright camera flashes and the crowd's cheers, delighted that a spirited fighter had won. But then she kept running. Ran past the stables and into the training field. Ignored startled cries and yells to stop.

She could not stop. Why would she even want to?

She ran and ran, and Philip was not whispering anymore, he was yelling at the top of his voice. Yelling at her to keep going. Promising freedom. And then they reached the boundary fence, and she tackled her way through it, put to use her best move and it stopped her for a second, but then she shook off the broken wood, ignored the splinters and the deep scratches and soon-to-be-bruises, and she kept running.

Philip will never know how long they ran, only that they ran far enough to be free, far enough that he knew they could not be tracked because the trail was too hard to follow and any pokemon that could follow the scent would smell the pure joy Diamond had felt, and would feign inability.

They ran until Diamond was so exhausted that when Philip took hold of her reins again and told her to stop, she stopped, and she was glad. She stopped and she allowed him to walk her to shelter, under a tree. And they slept together, Rapidash and rider, both free for the first time in their lives. Philip cried again, that night, as he always did when he curled up beside her. He cried, and he let go of all his years of bitterness and pain, of race after race of attempted suicide. This was the first time he had raced to live, and it felt wonderful. He missed it already.

Diamond shifted in her sleep, and Philip felt overwhelmed, overcome with positive feelings for her.

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Amity never found out what happened to Philip. She heard rumors, as did everyone else. Some said they ran straight off a cliff and that Philip had finally got his wish and died on the back of a Rapidash. Others said that the two lived out there somewhere, together, in the wild, fending for themselves. All she knew was that Philip had planned this, somehow, that he had known that he wanted to escape, right after a race, riding with an adrenaline high.

She did get her permanent job, still working under Ms. Tristan, who apparently was very amused by all this, not at all disappointed about the loss of the Rapidash because of the wonderful legend she would now become. Jesse too had been offered a job, but quit. No longer worked as a trainer, in fact. Worked, instead, at a retirement home for rapidash, rehabilitating crippled and traumatized ex-racers.

Sometimes, at night, Amity would dream of Philip, of his skin, his eyes, his hair, everything brown, so many shades of brown. And she would dream of his different smiles and the way he moved, and the way it felt to braid his hair. To hold him. To kiss him. To see how sad he was and to want to protect him even as she wanted to swat him away.

And then she would wake up, heart racing. And she would smile, because she knew that somewhere, out there, he was finally free of whatever had trapped him.

 

[Fig]

Well, so that's the ending, and it's quite good. Hard to get back in the mood of this story after nearly a year, but it looks good to me all the same.

 

[Timarelay]

Thanks for reading. ^_^ Sure it's simple enough for you though? ^_~

 

[Barb]

I'm sorry for not finding this fic earlier. It's terrific. Yes, the plot is a bit sparse but you make up for it with terrific, real characters (human and Pokémon) and descriptions that pull the reader into the story. I'd love to read the unicorn version of this story.

 

[Timarelay]

Squee ^_^ Brand new reader. Prolly a good thing that you just found it, considering how long it took me to finish it ^^;;; But thank you for reading. The plot definitely is sparse. It's a problem I tend to have ^^ But I'm really glad the characters pulled through for me.

Shall let you know whenever the unicorn version is at a readable point. ^_^ Right now I'm mostly stuck on plot and world-building. World-building is hard @_@

 

[The Wordsmith]

I did not like stories with Pokemon as major character. Just my opinion preference. Style is good.