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TEEN: Orre: The Desert.

Summary and Table of Contents
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Orre: The Desert.
Welcome to Orre: The Desert. As you can see this story takes place in the desert region of Orre, the setting of Pokemon Colosseum and XD: Gale of Darkness. The story follows a young woman named Cecilia Matthews, seven years after Gale of Darkness as she travels across Orre as a part-time delivery girl for Orre's package delivery company and the encounters she experiences along the way. Come see how Orre has change or what as remain the same in this barren desert, and what befouls Cecilia in her new life.

This story was born as a ten minute free-write in my Creative Writing class. After writing two more ten-minute free-writes, I took my Writing Journal and took to the internet and type up the story into a Word Document and voila this story was born. I'm taking all my lessons I've learned from my English classes, from your guy's stories here on forums, and other things I've heard in the Writing Channel on the Bulbagarden Discord. Will I succeed? Probably not.

Though I must point out; this story will focus more on the human characters more than Pokemon, as this is a Pokemon fic they will take a role in the story, just more of a backseat but you will see them frequently.


As per rules of the Writer Workshops handbook; I've decided to make this story TEEN due to Orre being a more darker place in the world of Pokemon.
Expect to see at some point;[Strong
Language] [Abuse] [Violence] [Crimes; Small & Major]
Rating may be change if need be when we get to darker chapters.

Table of Contents:

Volume 1:

  • Chapter 1-Sands and Wind (Updated October 2nd, 2021)
  • Chapter 2-Tiger Eye Hideaway (Updated October 2nd, 2021)
  • Chapter 3-Fresh Start (Updated November 5th, 2021)
  • Chapter 4-Lay of the Land. (Updated November 27th, 2021)
  • Chapter 5-Angelite Questions (Updated December 23rd, 2021)

Misc:
 
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Chapter 1: Sands and Wind
First of all, while this chapter is now updated and much different from the original version, I will still give a big thanks to @diamondpearl876 for looking over the first version of this chapter long ago. Thank you for being an inspiration in the creation of the fic and all the advice you gave when first drafting this world.

Orre: The Desert
Chapter 1: Sands and Wind (Updated October 2nd, 2021)

The motor of my hoverbike screeched over the empty desert. Sparse, except for myself. I would be lucky if even a single Aron or something showed up in a place like this, but Orre isn’t really known for wild Pokémon.

Racing around this region has become my life as of late. For fun? I wish it was, instead it feels like I’m trying to find something to no avail. Just constantly getting rejected by the majority of people.

The beast within my hoverbike died down as I put into a stop. I lower my goggles down onto my neck. I could only hear the gentle breeze of the desert fly by.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here.” I said to the scenery. “This spot looks like as good a place as any to sketch for a bit.”

I could barely hold any excitement as I went to pull out my sketchbook. People celebrate through different ways but I celebrate through drawing. Why am I celebrating? Well..

“I got the job, I got the job,” I started childishly singing to myself.

About six to seven months ago, I honestly don’t care to remember how long ago it was; I left my old job as a mechanic at my father’s shop. It wasn’t pretty that night, but I’ve been trying to move past it and all the shit that came before that. I still wonder why it took everything to come crashing down to make me leave that hellscape.

I sat on my bike facing away from the handlebars. Raising my leg onto the bike in a half cross legged way, I rested my sketchbook arm upon it. I put pencil to paper and began the newest sketch.

I come to this spot to draw often. All it is just a bunch of rock formations a little bit ways off from an abandoned building around the center of the region. I always end up coming back here to draw, even if it is just rocks. The peace and quiet is really just nice, no one would really come out all this way for this small spot. I even come out here to clear my head once and in awhile, not even bothering to draw.

Due to job hunting, I haven’t been able to come to this spot recently. I think the last time I came here was two or three months ago? But hopefully, now with a more permanent job than the few temp jobs I did the past few months in the middle of job hunting, I can come here a bit more often. Maybe I’ll take Tomoko here one day. I remember her mentioning she wanted to see it after I told her about this place.

When did I find this place? It’s hard to remember. I felt like I’ve been coming to this spot forever and it so out of the way it begs how I found it to begin with.

Wait...

I look up from my drawing for a brief moment.

“Now that I think about it,” I say aloud. “Wasn’t there that one time...something was here right?”

I scratch my head. Maybe I was confusing this place with something else, or even a dream for that matter. I just felt I saw a flash of blue at one point here, just can’t place my finger on what it was. It was probably just my imagination that day.

Reminiscing about all that, I just bursted out laughing after all that.

“Man,” I said. “It feels like it’s been forever since I just sat down and thought about anything other than finding work and minimizing my finances. I think the only time I’ve done it recently has been just sharing meals with Tomoko and that’s barely counting it.”

I change my posture on my bike, awkwardly trying my best to sit on my bike in the most comfortable way possible. Think I would have learned how to find the most comfortable spot by now, yet to no avail, still haven't figured it out.

I end up just putting my knee up to my chest the best I can with my other leg just spread out normally and then returning to my drawing.

The Orreisian desert’s wind picks up and kicks the sand all around, barely hitting my eyes. Each strike of the pencil being the only sound heard besides the beating sun and the gust of wind.

The sketch was turning out alright, the newest rock formation I’m basing it on is in the shape of a giant hand. I think there’s another rock formation like this at one of the colosseums but even larger but I don’t think I've ever seen it but I would love to draw it.

I forgot exactly when I started sketching in my free time. It was when I was kid and just kinda kept doing it after all those art classes in school. Personally, it helps me get my mind off these and let’s me clear my head as I often focus on the drawing then the other stuff around.

I haven’t been able to sketch much though recently due to the long job hunt outside of a few pieces every now and then. Ironically, one the ones I made during this chaos is one of my personal favorites. I wish I could make a job out of this, but I don’t think many people have the demand for it. Plus, everything is going digital nowadays, even if the change is taking longer to take effect here in Orre. I don’t feel comfortable with my funds right now to purchase those drawing tablets or tables.

Right now, the job I have now will satisfy me until I figure out what to do with my life. I never really did figure that out. All I knew is that I didn’t want to be a mechanic fixing bikes and cars for the rest of my life.

I raised my sketchpad in front of the rock I’m sketching. Am I getting it right? Maybe I should add the background besides just the rock, depth always helps. Yeah, I’ll do that.

“It shouldn’t be too long to add the background.”

Backgrounds can be simple for drawings since distance in this case can let me forgo some of the details. Though some cases for backgrounds do have to be extra detailed for certain types of them. Luckily, thanks to the desert background and the simple sketch I’m doing, I don’t really have to go hardcore on the background.

And like I said, I was almost done with the background. There were not many other rocks visible around this one and most of the details come from shading as well as the mid-setted sun. I might need color for this piece but I don’t often sketch with colors. A few pieces I do have color, but most of the sketches from this spot often don’t get colored. I like them better with the default pencil gray.

Right around as I was doing the finishing touches upon the sketch, I felt a rumbling coming out of my pocket.

I slid my M*DA (Mini Digital Assistant) out of my pocket and raised it. The screen lit up with the words;

‘Incoming Call: Tomoko Homura.’

“Tomoko? Why is she calling me?”

I pressed the answer key on the device and put it up towards my ear.

“Hello, Tomoko?”

“Oh hey, I didn’t think you would pick up,” I heard on the other end.

“And why would you think that?”

“Well, the last few times you’ve had job interviews, you didn’t take the rejection well,” Tomoko replied. “I was just worried since you didn’t come back to our
apartment.”

I stared down at my watch out habit. Oh crap, it’s around six already? I guess I was here longer than I thought. No wonder my roommate got worried, I haven’t
taken the majority of rejections well.

“Well, I got lucky this time,” I said. “The place I went for this job interview actually hired me!”

“Seriously!? Just after the interview like that!?”

“Some stuff needs to be taken care of first, but I can probably start working, or at least training, around the end of week according to the owner of the place.”

“That’s great!” Tomoko said. “It must be finally nice to have a place give you a chance after the six month search.”

“Technically it was longer, I just found your roommate ad first,” I corrected. “But yeah, I got so happy and excited I went to my usual drawing place to celebrate.”

“Oh, no wonder you took so long. Here, I was jokingly thinking your interview was like two hours since it was at four.”

“Nope I wasn’t trapped there forever, pun not intended,” I said. “But I’m on my way back now.”

“Alright, I'll see you in a bit Cecilia.”

I closed the call and placed my phone back into my pocket.

“Ah, Tomoko, she’s too kind for her own good sometimes,” I say aloud. “Though in fairness, I act the exact same when talking with her.”

I put my sketchbook away in my messenger bag and threw it into my hoverbike’s sidecar. I proceed to sit down properly onto the vehicle. I turned the key as
the engine roar engulfed the lifeless desert once again.

As I went to raise my goggles from my neck, I looked ahead of me.

“Huh? It couldn’t be.”

As I looked into the distance, I saw something blue, a flash of blue more like it. It cannot be, can it? I thought it was just my imagination back then, but it
couldn’t be real.

I blink and just like it appeared, it was gone once again. I guess since I was thinking about it earlier my mind decided to play tricks on me. Guess I should go to bed early tonight.

“If my time for daydreaming has returned, I must be doing something right.”

I raised my goggles to my eyes properly this time. I kick a stand-like mechanism which prompts the bike to rise above the ground and hover amongst the sand. I put the pedal to the gas and took off.



 
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I admit, I haven't played the Pokemon XD games so I don't know much about them. But I must say, this was very nice! Your descriptions are concise and fluid, and Cecilia seems like a nice, interesting character so far! I like to draw just like she does, so having something in common is a plus! You've got a good setup here, and I can't wait to read more!
 
Read the updated version! I like the details you put in about the sketch and the narrator. You get a good sense of how she's left behind a past she doesn't really wanna revisit - and though we don't know why, that's perfectly fine for a first chapter. The focus is more on what the narrator is doing now, and it seems things are going well. Still, you balance a tone of melancholy in there well, I think. And there's a good balance of introspection with physical surroundings. I agree with Juliko the concise descriptions work very well.
 
Chapter 2: Tiger Eye Hideaway
Orre: The Desert
Chapter 2: Tiger Eye Hideaway (Updated October 2nd, 2021)

The motor of my bike ran rampant as sand blew across into my goggles as I drove across the dusty dunes.

My black hair flew with the wind, the breeze combing through over and over. I should really invest in a new helmet after my old one broke. I still don’t understand how that happened; I thought it was just the strap at first when it snapped but then the whole thing came apart. I guess that’s what happens when it’s about four years old and you overuse it. A new one is important, but the breeze without it just feels so great.

I drive over a bump as my bike raises itself higher to avoid it. I passed by Phenac, the place I was at earlier today and went further northeast into the region. Not many sights this far in, but there is a reason I have to go this deep.

In the distance, a mountainous area emerges. Within there, an average size apartment building lays rest between the mountains. I always thought it was strange that someone put an apartment complex all the way here but it turns out that this building was once the base of Team Snagem, a group of Pokémon thieves that were prominent a little over a decade ago. I guess since the majority of the members have been arrested or have just straight up disappeared from Orre, the building ended up in someone’s hands and they turned it into this. I actually don’t know who owns the building, but whoever turned it into what it was now must have some connection to it.

I pull and park into the area’s relatively small parking lot. Turning the bike off as it lowers and lands it tracks onto the payment. I take my goggles off and rub my eyes before I proceed to go in.

You think many people would come here looking for the places, but since it’s so out of the way not many would come here, so rent is a bit lower than usual prices apartments go for. Not to mention, I didn’t even hear about it until I found a roommate ad for someone living here. For a team like Snagem being a part of Orre for so long, it was just weird how easily we forgot about them when they dissolved and then this place remained, broken like the team who called it home here before.

I ended up calling this place the “Hideaway” at one point as a joke. The complex’s real name is really Tiger Eye Apartments, but it’s not really an eye catcher like one would think. Just hidden away in the mountains, a hideaway for Snagem and a hideaway for me I guess. It fits in a way.

The setting sun follows behind me as I get off my bike and continue into the building. I start walking towards the stairs, my roommate Tomoko and I are on the third and top floor. The building has an elevator but the stairs make for good exercise.

“Wait, Cecilia!” I heard just by the edge.

“Oh! Mr. Longfellow!” I exclaimed. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even see you there.”

“Ah, it’s fine! I just saw you myself while leaving my office.”

I walked back down and up towards the main desk of the floor.

“How was your day?”

“Uh, fine I guess. Quiet, which was nice,” the older man responded.

“Ah quiet days are so nice. It must be really nice for you as the building manager and not having much to go through regarding the residents.”

Mr. Longfellow, gave me a smirk and eyebrow raise while listening to my response.

“You seem to be in a good mood, did your job hunt finally have a breakthrough?”

I returned with a big goofy smile. I feel like a kid in a candy store despite being nearly twenty.

“Yep, my interview went well today!” I responded. “The owner seemed to accept me and hired me. I can start by the end of the week when they get my employee papers and other things done.”

“They took you in right after the interview? What place did you go to for it?”

“Uh, Phenac Delivery Service Company. I think the owner said they were looking for more employees due to the airport that’s opening up soon.”

“Oh, I think I met him at a charity party that Phenac’s community center has once per year. I believe he mentioned the same thing.”

“Yeah, everything is finally going to change for us in Orre.”

“Though rumor has it that when it becomes open, some Unovan businesses are gonna edge their way in here and buy out some of our stores to make their chains continue so I’ll be careful in the coming year.”

It makes sense on paper really. Orre and Unova share the same continent so it makes sense we have some of the same businesses, but we never really interacted that much since we’re separated by a lot of mountains, one of the reasons we’re so isolated from everyone else. Ironically, I think our relations with the island regions like Johto and Hoenn are better.

“I think you’re just being paranoid, Mr. Longfellow, the airport doesn’t open for another year,” I said. “But I make sure to keep an eye out in my stretch of the world.”

“Speaking of that,” Mr. Longfellow moved on. “There’s a package here for Tomoko that she forgot on her way up, could you bring it to her?”

Mr. Longfellow put his hand under a part of the desk and took out a large book-shaped box. I promptly took it into my hands to take for my roommate.

“Of course, it’s not like her to forget things but it’s been stressful at her job as of late with the PokéSpot project.”

“Trust me I know,” he replied. “I can hear her grumbling to your apartment from my office.”

“Alright, let me get this to her,” I say. “Thanks for the conversation.”

“I’m still surprised, it’s only been six months since you two young ladies have been living together and you’re already so close.”

“Sometimes, people just click.”

I walk away from Mr. Longfellow’s desk, making my way back to the stairs. Conversations with Mr. Longfellow are so nice. It’s good to have him as the building manager.

“Oh, one last thing,” I heard Mr. Longfellow say. “There’s gonna be construction in front of the building next week, shouldn’t be too long but we’re expanding the road for other places to be built.”

“Oh okay, thanks for telling me,” I responded.

Oh yeah, I think Tomoko mentioned that she heard at one point the owner of the building wanted to make a new town of sorts around here or at least some type of area stop. Guess that’s finally happening.

“No problem, and congrats on the new job!”

I wave my hand as a gesture to say thanks as I make my ascent up the stairs. I climb up to the third and final floor of the building. I take a few steps and turn quickly, luckily the apartment I live in is pretty close to the stairs so no further walking for me.

I take out my key, wait no, Tomoko should be home you idiot, she’ll probably left it unlocked for you. Damn habits, guess I should at least check to make sure she didn’t lock it. I take the door knob into my hand and turn it with it responding to the movements of my hand and then I push open, revealing the door to be unlocked.

I walk into the apartment, a bit void of light. Why is it dark? Wasn’t Tomoko home? Maybe she’s in her room getting changed? Or laying down? She was home when she called earlier I believe.

“Tomoko?” I ask the fading natural light. “Where’d you go?”

I go over to the light switch next to the door and flick it on, illuminating the main room of our apartment.

“Boo!”

I jumped at the sound of that. Tomoko appeared from out of nowhere jumpscaring me into submission. I feel like I jump to the ceiling every time she does this.

“Son of a...Tomoko!! Not again! I asked you to stop that!”

“But the face you make every time is so worth it!”

Tomoko begins laughing heavily. I walk over to her location in her laughing madness and raise my hand over her head; well, more like as high as I can go, she’s two inches taller than me. I give her a bonk as retaliation.

“Hey! Come on!” Tomoko said. “Bonks on the head is the wrong retribution for that!”

“I don’t care!” I said back. “You know how much I scare easily and I ask you a million times to stop with the jumpscares! I almost dropped your package too!”

“Package?”

“Yeah, Mr. Longfellow gave it to me since you skipped over it.”

“Oh, my mistake.”

“Here,” I say as I hand her the package.

“Oh hey, this must be the book for work I ordered.”

I go to turn around to take my shoes off near our front door, when I feel an embrace come behind me. Is Tomoko hugging me? Why?

“Huh, Tomoko? What’s this for?”

“Congrats on the new job. Your hard work finally paid off.”

“Please, I just got lucky for the first time in a while. My luck will be back to what it usually is after a while.”

“Come on! Luck doesn’t count here,” she fired back. “You kept going and going and never lost your determination, that’s what got you that job.”

“I guess,” I weakly replied back.

Tomoko let go and walked away. I went back to the door and took off my work boots that I wear most of the time, especially while bike riding.

“Oh, hey enough about me,” I said. “How did your day at the lab go?”

“Not bad, we’re preparing for the next PokéSpot expedition soon. We should know the next hypothesized spot soon judging by data, but I took a half-day so I
don’t know any more details if there are any.”

“Why’d you do that? You’re not one for doing those things,” I asked.

I got up from where I was sitting and put my boots on the shoe rack near the door. In the process, a white-hair Pokémon showed up in front of me, eager to see
me wagging their nine tails.

“Hinata! Good to see you girl.”

“She’s why, I finally got her papers in for a full transfer to a Pokémon Doctor here so she could get a regular check up regarding her condition.”

“Oh right, it’s so rare for a fire-type, especially a regular Ninetales variant to have something like albinism,” I say as I pet Hinata.

“I don’t think it even is albinism since as a Fire-Type she would need to encounter the sun and the sensitivity would counteract that, possibly canceling all
function in a way, which she doesn’t have any problems with. I think the working theory between both her Johtonese doctor and her new one as well as myself
with what I know about Pokémon biology from my minor in university is that one of her parents is an Alolan variant who passed down a gene to make her
mostly white with some tints of red remaining from her regular Kantonian variant.”

“How’s she adapting to Orre?”

“Fine, I’m pretty sure,” Tomoko responded. “I think the sunnyness of Orre is helping her in some ways.”

I look up at Tomoko.

“How are you doing here?”

“May I ask what you mean?” She responded confused.

“I mean, it will be a whole year in three months since you came here from Johto. So, how are you feeling living here?”

Well, if it wasn’t obvious enough, Tomoko is not from Orre. She’s from the Johto region on the other side of the world. From what she told me, after she
completed her masters in ecology focusing on Pokémon habitats and a minor in Pokémon biology she was offered a chance to come here to Orre to work with
the Pokémon HQ Lab stationed here under Professor Krane and company. About five or six months ago, when I was double hunting for both a new job and an apartment I discovered Tomoko’s roommate ad online. I think she was living with Professor Krane and his daughter for her first three months until she found this place and placed out an ad looking for a roommate. The rest pretty much led to now.

“I’m doing good here,” Tomoko responded. “I’ve liked it better here than working at the research labs I was at in Johto during my Masters program, maybe
because it’s a more “official” one for a lack of a better term. Also the feeling that everyone is watching me because of my status as a prodigy feels gone since it really doesn’t matter here, so it feels much better.”

“Are you planning on going back anytime soon?”

“When the airport is completed, I’ll go home for a visit. I am not going on another long boat ride. It was not pretty on my end.”

“I can imagine. I’ve not been on that many boats and not for long either, but I still felt queasy.”

“Besides, I’m not keen on going back to Johto soon anyways….”

“Huh, what did you say Tomoko? I thought I heard you say something, I must have tuned out a bit or were you mumbling?”

“Oh sorry, I said the boat rides to get here are the only thing I dislike about Orre currently,” Tomoko said. “Though the fact Hinata seems to like you better than me might be the second thing.”

As she says this, I realized I was still subconsciously petting Hinata. At this point it just felt like the white-fured Ninetales was all over me and looked like she
was about to jump on me.

“Oh,” I said as I stared down. “That’s enough petting Hinata, your fur is going to get all over my nice interview clothes.”

The silence enters the apartment for a few moments as Tomoko slowly turns her head to me.

“Wait, please don’t tell me you went to your usual drawing spot on your hoverbike in a suit and stuff!?”

“I wore my hoverbike jacket over them and I wore my work boots like I usually do.”

Tomoko just looks at me as she raised her glasses to rub her eyes. Meanwhile I’m just looking at her as I’m confused about why she seems confused.

“Just change out of it before you get it covered in Hinata’s fur.”

“Yep, I know.”

I proceed to get up as I take my jacket off and walk towards my room, before stopping.

“Oh what are we doing for dinner? I forgot who’s turn it was to cook tonight.”

“Don’t worry, it is my turn,” replied Tomoko. “We’re doing Johtonese Curry for dinner, something simple tonight.”

“Do you need any help?”

“No, thank you for asking though. Go get changed.”

I gave a smirk to Tomoko as I walked off to my bedroom. I love all the Johtonese recipes she makes and the Johtonese recipe for curry she cooks is one of my top favorites.

I walk forward in the slightly larger than average hallway towards my bedroom. This apartment that Tomoko and I live in happens to be one of the biggest in
the complex. This is because this apartment was once the room of Team Snagem’s boss; what was his name? Gonzo? Gonzales? Gonzap, yeah something like Gonzap. But anyways, his room was one of the largest in the building and when it got converted this room and most of the top floor ended up having the largest apartments among the rest. Some of the salvageable furniture was also kept and repurpose for residents to use. In my room I have an old desk and bed frame originally from when this place was the Snagem place. For an apartment so large and everything else involved in it, I’m surprised between Tomoko and myself, the rent is so affordable.

I opened my door into my, honestly bland bedroom. I never really fully gave a personal flair outside of some photos, probably due to my job hunting but I can change that. I start removing my hoverbike jacket and the interview blazer I have under it as I went to pick out some pajamas from my dresser.

I think I’m just still in shock that I’m going to bed tonight with a job, well ‘in the works’ for lack of a better term. Tomoko has been supporting me since we started being roommates, but I always feel guilty for not doing more due to the need to minimize my savings, which while plentiful from working as a mechanic,
I really didn’t want to take too many chances. I am still surprised she even accepted me as her roommate. Temp jobs could only get me so far for so long and even they seem like they didn’t want me due to the status of working at my asshole of a Dad’s old place.

It was then I heard the sound of glass being tapped on. I turned and walked to my window, still not fully out of my interview clothes. I opened it up despite the windy evening we are having, soon after a black bird Pokémon flew and landed on a small perch I had in my room, revealing a Honchkrow.

“It’s good to see you, Schwartz. Visiting for the fun of it or do you have a letter from Mom?”

The bird swings over a small, soup-canister like container to their front. I take the sash over and remove it from the bird.

“Ah, letter time, thanks. Do you want anything Schwartz? Water?”

The bird nods. I raise my arm near the perch and Schwartz hops onto my arm as I start walking out of my room and back into the main part of the apartment.

“Hey, Tomoko,” I say. “Can you let me through for a brief moment? Schwartz came with a letter and I wanted to give him some water.”

“Oh, sure. Nice to see you, Schwartz.”

The Honchkrow waves with his wing as if he was waving a hand. Then, he flew off my arm and onto the tip of the chair as I moved to grab a bowl and fill it up
with water.

“I find it kinda ironic that I’ve met your mother’s Honchkrow plenty of times and yet I still haven’t met her.”

“Oh right, I forgot you were working the day I fully moved in where she and my step dad helped.”

“Yeah, even when she may have visited I’ve been stuck at the lab.”

Tomoko went and stared at Schwartz, seemingly trying to get a reaction out of him with our conversation. I walked over to the table and placed the water bowl on it.

“There you go buddy.”

“God, every time he is here, he’s so quiet,” Tomoko said as she returned to where she was. “Does he say anything, I never heard anything like a ‘caw’ out of him.”

“We got worried about that as well, but his vocal cords seem to work perfectly after we got him checked up. He just likes to remain quiet.”

“Between him and your Noctowl, your family has some very unique Pokémon.”

“Come on, Cole's not that different from a normal Noctowl,” I say. “But let me read my mom’s letter and send a reply.”

I walked back to my bedroom and sat down at my desk. I open the canister and pull out the letter. My mother was never a fan of a lot of modern things like sending messages through a M*DA, it’s probably why she works at a library. She started the letter thing when I was a kid, saying it’s always more meaningful to get a letter than it is a text message or email. Ironically, I was going to call her in a bit to tell her the news but then Schwartz showed up.

I unfold the letter in question:

“Hello Cecilia, I hope you are doing well. I know it has been a while since I’ve written, but a letter is always a surprise. How are you getting along with your roommate, Tomoko was her name? I’m surprised how well you two are getting along with what you’re saying about her. I hope I finally get to meet her someday. Come and visit soon, I’ve missed having you around, it’s not the same with just me and Quinn, bring along Tomoko as well with you if she's off from work. Has your job hunt gone well? I still wish you could do something with your art in the form of a career, but regardless I’m glad you are finding your own path instead of the one your father wanted. No matter what you do, I’m proud of the path you have taken. Once again make sure to visit sometime soon, we miss having you here in Gateon, you’re always welcome here, my little lumiére. With all my love, your mother Amelia.”

I read the letter again. My mother always knew what to say at the right time. I start to prepare my reply; just stating that the job hunt finally went successful and where I will be working now along with some other information. I fold the letter and place it inside the tube and seal it back up. I walk back out into the main room with the tube in hand.

“Hey, Schwartz, I got my reply ready to go. How bout you?”

The Honchkrow flew back up and onto my arm. When he landed, I put the sash with the container over him and made it ready for transport as I walked back into my room. As soon as I entered my room again, Schwartz flew back onto the perch. After that I opened up my window a bit further so he could get through.

“I’ll see you later Schwartz, always good to see you.”

The bird Pokémon took flight and flew out the window back to my mother’s home in Gateon Port. I put myself out the window and started waving.

“Safe travel home!”

I pop back inside and close the window. I shiver a bit, yeah, probably should’ve not popped out my window like that on a night like tonight.

“Hey, Cecilia!” I hear Tomoko yell. “Dinner’s all done!”

“All right, give me a few seconds and then I’ll be there!”
 
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Well, I’m not gonna be one to turn down an Orre fic! Let’s take a look at what these little morsels of chapters are like.

The only living thing present are myself and what few creatures that roam the massive sandy terrain.

This is a bit awkwardly phrased to me, particularly the last part. “The only living things present are myself and the few creatures that roam . . .” or something. At the very least, I think “thing” should be plural here.

the only sound heard besides the beating sun

Does light have a sound?


I feel like shortly after this quote, you use the word “formation” kinda often, when maybe you should use either a shorter word, or no word at all, to describe the rocks in that same way too often.

Though I wasn’t expecting life to turn out like this, but life always make crazy twist and turns like this.

Perhaps remove one of the “this”es here, and in this paragraph in general.

I sent her a message back; ‘I GOT THE JOB!! I got so happy I went back to my usual spot to sketch in celebration. I’m coming back now.’

Huh, this is interesting. The tone here suggests that she’s really excited and ecstatic in some way, but the tone prior made things feel a lot more subdued. I’m not sure if that was the intention, but I feel like the subdued nature contrasted oddly with the actual message given here. Not really dialogue, but effectively so.


__


Overall, I’d say this first chapter did well to set the scene and establish a few defining traits about the desert, the location, and perhaps a tiny bit about the character. But beyond that, I still don’t have a big idea on what the actual story is going to be about. Given how short it is, I imagine that’s partly why.


Okay, onto the second chapter.


The motor of my bike ran rampant as sand blew across into my goggles as I drove across the dusty dunes.

So, here’s something about sentences like these that I think can help with chopping up some things. This isn’t a hard-and-fast rule, but I noticed it was really prominent in this sentence in particular—when you use ‘as’ to connect two things in a sentence, the effect tends to be the weakening of both parts. In this case, you have two “as” connectors, further weakening the three segments of the sentence. “The motor of my bike ran rampant,” “sand blew across into my goggles,” and “I drove across the sandy dunes.”

They all got slightly weaker when the “as” clause was used to connect them all into one sentence to process at the same time, making them all equally important, but to be honest? I feel like the most important clause was the middle one, since I feel like what you’d notice the most while riding would be that sand. Especially for an opening sentence, I’d take that part out and move it to the next sentence, or even the first sentence! Something like… “The motor of my bike ran rampant as I drove across the dusty dunes. Sand blew into my goggles from the unrelenting desert winds.” I made up that last part, but something to describe what it is that’s causing the sand to behave in that way.


__


I like the touch going on about showing the run-down Snagem base, basically illustrating the fact that time has passed, old organizations have dissolved, and so on and so forth. Still, I feel that by doing this, you’ve introduced a bit of a vacuum on what that actually means the story is going to be about, like I mentioned before. There’s very little to go by in terms of the “big story,” so to speak.


__


Yes, so it seems that the chapter has ended with a bit of simple slice-of-life work, but so far, there isn’t a whole lot going on. Hopefully by the next chapter, I’ll at least have an idea on where this story is going! I’m curious to see what sorts of things are going on in Orre now that the Shadow crisis is (presumably) over, or at least dormant.
 
Well, I’m not gonna be one to turn down an Orre fic! Let’s take a look at what these little morsels of chapters are like.
Always good to see another Orre fan in the mix, and don't worry, I'll be trying to slowly increase each chapter's word count as much as I can.

This is a bit awkwardly phrased to me, particularly the last part. “The only living things present are myself and the few creatures that roam . . .” or something. At the very least, I think “thing” should be plural here.

I feel like shortly after this quote, you use the word “formation” kinda often, when maybe you should use either a shorter word, or no word at all, to describe the rocks in that same way too often.

Perhaps remove one of the “this”es here, and in this paragraph in general.
----
Changes made to the happy accidents mistakes you noticed.



Overall, I’d say this first chapter did well to set the scene and establish a few defining traits about the desert, the location, and perhaps a tiny bit about the character. But beyond that, I still don’t have a big idea on what the actual story is going to be about. Given how short it is, I imagine that’s partly why.
My big idea when this fic came to me was basically someone traveling around a desert. So describing Orre as it is now is as big as the characters themselves to me.

I like the touch going on about showing the run-down Snagem base, basically illustrating the fact that time has passed, old organizations have dissolved, and so on and so forth.
The Snagem base being Cecilia's new home was one of the first things I thought about. Since I would imagine that building would be completely destroyed by now if it wasn't remodeled since it was in as bad shape still by Gale of Darkness. First I thought about her owning the building, which wouldn't make sense in context of where she is now. After drafting a few ideas in my head I came upon this one, and I'm going to have a little fun with this building's residents and backstory.

Still, I feel that by doing this, you’ve introduced a bit of a vacuum on what that actually means the story is going to be about, like I mentioned before. There’s very little to go by in terms of the “big story,” so to speak.
I honestly feel this is going to be the hardest part for me, since there really isn't going to be some grandiose plot that makes Cecilia the new hero of Orre. It is about her new life after escaping her old one and trying to adapt to it.

Yes, so it seems that the chapter has ended with a bit of simple slice-of-life work, but so far, there isn’t a whole lot going on. Hopefully by the next chapter, I’ll at least have an idea on where this story is going! I’m curious to see what sorts of things are going on in Orre now that the Shadow crisis is (presumably) over, or at least dormant.
I have no plans to bring Shadow Pokemon into the mix of story since it is a Slice of Life, but there will be a lot of callbacks to it cause of both incidents is what cause Orre to clean up its act by now and what has change because of it.

But I do love to see the support for this fic, cause honestly, I thought I wasn't going to get any(I often look at the negative side of things, sorry!). Thanks for all the support.
 
Orre and slice of life is never really something I've seen before, but count me in! Also, Violet Evergarden.

Quick grammar thing -- you swap between present and past tense a few times throughout your paragraphs, and I don't think it's intentional. The other technical thing that I found kind of tricky to digest in your writing was how you formatted your paragraphs -- they're mostly split up by individual sentences, but you could probably fit more than one sentence in each paragraph. There's no hard and fast rule for when/where paragraph breaks are necessary, but typically you'll only need to do it when you're switching subjects (or, in dialogue, speakers). So, for instance, the group of sentences/paragraphs that you have describing Cecilia drawing in chapter one could be grouped into one paragraph. This gives readers a sense of structure/progression, rather than the disjoints you create by having a lot of individual paragraphs.

There are also a few places where the phrasing feels weird, like:
The long black hair that is my own, flew behind me
This could probably be re-said as "my long black hair flew behind me"

As far as actual story content goes, I like this a lot! You set a very somber tone in these two chapters, but it's still very comprehensive and detailed. It's and enjoyable read, and it's really cool getting to see all of the details in Orre that you're starting to flesh out.

One thing that you might want to consider -- slice of life doesn't need to have a plot, per se, but it kind of needs to have a driving thread. There's hints of a story structure being told here with Cecilia, and her drawing, and the backstory of Orre looming in the distance, but we only really get snippets. The rest of the story relies on your attention to detail and ability to worldbuild (which so far is really strong in these chapters!), but I am curious to see what kind of overarching narrative you're going to tell in these parts. Looking forward to seeing more!
 
Well late response part being busy and part being incredibly lazy.

Orre and slice of life is never really something I've seen before, but count me in! Also, Violet Evergarden.
Always gotta do something different. Also, not anymore. Ranger Slayer for the win!!

Quick grammar thing -- you swap between present and past tense a few times throughout your paragraphs, and I don't think it's intentional. The other technical thing that I found kind of tricky to digest in your writing was how you formatted your paragraphs -- they're mostly split up by individual sentences, but you could probably fit more than one sentence in each paragraph. There's no hard and fast rule for when/where paragraph breaks are necessary, but typically you'll only need to do it when you're switching subjects (or, in dialogue, speakers). So, for instance, the group of sentences/paragraphs that you have describing Cecilia drawing in chapter one could be grouped into one paragraph. This gives readers a sense of structure/progression, rather than the disjoints you create by having a lot of individual paragraphs.
Yeah, grammar has never been my strong suit despite English being my first language. So expect grammar to be bad and some silly mistakes I wouldn't notice.

As far as actual story content goes, I like this a lot! You set a very somber tone in these two chapters, but it's still very comprehensive and detailed. It's and enjoyable read, and it's really cool getting to see all of the details in Orre that you're starting to flesh out.
I'll be honest here like I've said before, I have a very negative mindset most of the time. So I was really wasn't expecting to see so much positive feedback in this story, since I still see myself as a sorta novice writer despite being at this for while and is easily prone to mistake. But I really do enjoy the support Orre: The Desert is getting, thanks to you guys who have review and the people who've read but haven't comment.

One thing that you might want to consider -- slice of life doesn't need to have a plot, per se, but it kind of needs to have a driving thread. There's hints of a story structure being told here with Cecilia, and her drawing, and the backstory of Orre looming in the distance, but we only really get snippets.
I'm slowly trying to implement a story, whenever I finish Chapter 3 you'll see some plot threads start and I've vaguely mentioned somethings about Cecilia's past life with her "not wanting to return" and her mother's letter mentioning a stepdad but no mention of her birth father, as well as Tomoko's occupation will be explore later on. All I hope is that I can kind of execute this properly.

The rest of the story relies on your attention to detail and ability to worldbuild (which so far is really strong in these chapters!), but I am curious to see what kind of overarching narrative you're going to tell in these parts. Looking forward to seeing more!
I'm honestly surprise I can worldbuild this well. Though maybe constantly creating characters and pre-planning stuff entirely in your head can be a major factor for this skill.

Once again thanks for the feedback. Now let's hope I can get Chapter 3 out before the end of month.
 
Hi there! I'm here as part of the gift review exchange. I've got comments on both your chapters for you. My review style is, uh, kind of nonsensical rambling, so if you have questions, feel free to ask. ^^

Chapter 1
This part of the review was unfortunately lost to a power surge, so I'm going to try and hit all the main points I had originally written...

As far as content, I think this short opening chapter is good for the kind of fic you're presenting us with. The summary made me think it's a slice-of-life piece, as opposed to some sort of grand adventure with an overarching plot. So, the quiet, contemplative feel with the stream-of-consciousness narration is good for introducing Cecilia and getting a bit into her head space. I can't quite peg her age, but based on your summary and her text message I'm guessing late teens or early 20s. I was intrigued by the fact that her resoponse to a job offer isn't anything we typically think of as celebratory... but instead to go off and draw. That, coupled with her mentions of escaping from somewhere, give enough of a tease to pique my interest.

That said, I do have to echo things kintsugi brought up: the tense changes and awkward phrasing do, in my opinion, detract from my overall enjoyment of the chapter. First-person, present-tense POV, to me, is a very hard narration style to go for because your POV character can't really stop to take time to reflect on anything since they're telling the audience the events as they're happening. While I do think you're successful with that in this chapter, the constant tense changes made me stumble. Your opening sentence uses past tense ("ran loudly" instead of "runs loudly"), only for the next sentence to use the present tense. Typically my brain just auto-corrects spelling/grammar stuff and it doesn't bother me unless it's egregious but tense-swapping is one of those things that always sucks me out of the fic.

What compounds it is that Cecilia's voice as the narrator is a bit... stiff and clunky, in my opinion. It might just be a personal taste thing, but I tend to prefer first-person stories, especially present-tense ones, to use a more conversational tone and have the prose sound more like dialogue. Because the idea is we're in Cecilia's headspace and I imagine she, like most humans, doesn't think in purple prose. So, lines like "Each strike of the pencil being the only sound heard..." are going to feel very off to me. Does that make sense? Maybe not, but I threw it out anyway.

Chapter 2
Hrrrrm. Okay, so, the chapter's content is decent once again. But this time I'm going to have to cover it later and start with the mechanistic. Reason being that both the tense changes and stiff, awkward phrasing from the first chapter is here, only the issues seem to have been magnified. I'm going to be honest, it was actually a struggle for me to read this, because I kept stopping myself to make sure I had read some of these sentences correctly. I fully admit that's a 'me issue.' Sometimes I get so bogged down in the mechanics of a fic's prose, I can't help it. But I have to bring it up again because I do think this is all working to the fic's detriment. Take this sentence, for example:
The base of Team Snagem this building once was, now since all of the Team Snagem members have been arrested or disappear off the face of the planet; the building has been transformed into a apartment complex.
The overall phrasing reads like a very clunky way of explaining Cecilia's apartment building is the former Snagem base. And it has a comma splice and an unnecessary semicolon, to boot. I can't imagine a human stopping and thinking about a building this way, even for the sake of a story. As an example of what it might look like if done a bit more succintly and conversational (including the first sentence in the paragraph):
I pull up to a building in between two mountains. It's my apartment, built up from the old Team Snagem base.

So, my big suggestion for you, if you want to keep using present-tense, would be to try and find someone who can beta read for mechanics and grammar because that's your Achilles heal at the moment. Alternatively, I'd strongly recommend you transition the fic to first-person, past-tense narration style. The reason being that, with this chapter, Cecilia takes several moments to stop and drop bits of exposition— about the old Snagem base, her roommate, her mom's honchkrow, etc. But as I mentioned earlier, first-person present is not a narration-style well suited to throwing in expository chunks like those. It's mean to portray events as they're happening, so the POV character can't afford to stop and explain things like this, even in a slice-of-life story. Something's still presumably happening around Cecilia, after all.

Which brings me to the actual content. First off, I'm happy to see Cecilia's got a supportive mother. Maybe it's because I've been reading too many forum-based pokémon fics, but I've gotten really tired of abusive, dysfunctional families. Also, I think it's interesting that the Snagem HQ is now an apartment building and I'm wondering how you'll show that beyond explaining that Gonzap's room is now Cecilia's apartment. I do think the exposition about Tomoko and the honchkrow were examples of telling, not showing. In the future, I think it'd be stronger if you found ways to incorporate the information into the events of the chapter, instead of stopping to explain things. For example, Cecilia could've asked Tomoko about her job at the Pokémon HQ Lab. This way, the audience doesn't have to have the narrator tell them that Tomoko's a researcher, they learn it from the conversation.

Oof. I hope this wasn't too negative. I don't usually like critical reviews and prefer to just give reactionary comments and snarky one-liners. I do think the slice-of-life elements are working so far and this is shaping up to be a very unique fic. If you focus more on your mechanics and phrasing, then I think the story will be even stronger. Take care and season's greetings!
 
Chapter 3: Fresh Start
Orre: The Desert
Chapter 3: Fresh Start (Updated November 5, 2021)


Brzzt!! Brzzt!! Brztt!! Brz--

Slamming my hand onto my alarm clock, I stumble awake.

“I don’t want to get up, let...me..sleep..longer.”

I say that but I probably won’t be falling back to sleep anytime soon, I always get around this time of day regardless if the alarm went off or not.

I pulled up my body and put myself on the edge of the bed.

“It’s time.”

Everything is in place. HR data and whatnot, I can finally start working today. It just feels so surreal, six months of nothing excluding the temp work I did and I finally can continue on. Well, let me get ready.

After several minutes and a shower later, I’m ready. I didn’t go crazy on my wardrobe, a simple white shirt under my favorite albeit slightly worn-out blue utility jacket and some dark brown work pants along with my dark brown work boots that I wear everywhere.

“Let’s see; M*DA check, Cole’s Pokéball check, wallet check, my various IDs check, planner check, keys check, goggles check, pocket knife check. I think that’s everything I’ll need.”

I slid most of the stuff into my messenger bag, before eyeing the stack of sketchbooks on my desk. Should I? What the heck, why not?

I grabbed the top one (it was the most recent one I used anyway) and slid it in my bag along with a case of pencils and pens along with everything else. I might not get an opportunity to draw, but hey you never know. Always need something to keep you occupied.

I double check everything to make sure. I’m usually pretty good at remembering things but you can never know. With that complete, I start moving towards the kitchen to grab the last few things.

“Oh, morning Cecilia,” I hear as I walk in.

“Huh, Tomoko? You’re up?”

Why is she up? I thought she was still in bed. But here she is, dressed in her usual nice work attire; a red button up shirt under a white leather jacket, with a
black skirt and leg coverings, currently covered by an apron of course. I just look at her confused.

“Sit down,” she said. “I made you a bagel and tea, it’s the blackberry cinnamon one you like.

I follow her instructions, still perplexed to no belief. I thought her day didn’t start for at least another hour, I thought I wouldn’t see her until we both got back. I reached for the tea Tomoko brewed for me and sipped it. She even added cane sugar to it! I can taste it, it helps balance it out for me.

“So, why are you up early?” I asked as I put my tea down and reached for the bagel. “You don’t usually have to be at the HQ Lab until 9 or 10.”

“I woke up when you did and couldn’t fall back asleep,” she responded. “I wanted to get there early today anyways; remember the other day when I mentioned we were surveying a new area for a Pokéspot. Well today’s the day we go out and scout it out to see if it’s viable for it. We’ve also heard rumors of Vullaby and Mandibuzz migrating from Unova to take root here, so we’re looking into that as well.”

“Migrating to Orre? That’s surprising.”

To explain; Orre has a sorta ‘wild Pokémon drought’ if you want to call it that. For some unknown reason, Orre is very uninhabitable to wild Pokémon. So most of the Pokemon here were brought from regions like Tomoko’s native Johto or Hoenn. But several years ago, then-Pyrite Town Mayor Duking had found habitable areas for Pokémon and began campaigning to help spread these so-called PokéSpots. Ever since the second Shadow Incident ended, the HQ Lab Tomoko works at is currently helping Duking make Orre more habitable and try to find why Orre is like this in the first place.

“I know, kinda rare,” Tomoko replied. “The lab has only recorded about fifteen species that have either migrated or appeared with no known source in Orre since the PokéSpot project began at the lab. That includes the original nine from Duking’s findings as well.”

Tomoko boxed something at the counter and took off her apron. She then proceeded to sit across from me at the table. Giving me a smile as she sits down.

Tomoko puts her hands together like she’s clapping: “Itadakimasu.”

I swear she has some radiant glow when she does things like this.

“Oh, that means ‘thank you for the meal,’ right?”

“Yep, you’re picking up Hinodego pretty quick, especially the Johtonese dialect.”

“I’ve still got a long way to go,” I shot back. “I’ve only gotten some basics down and what I was able to get from hanging around you for the past several
months.”

“Fair point,” Tomoko replied. “But enough about all that. How about you, excited about your first day on the job?”

“Yes, in combination with being a nervous wreck,” I replied back. “I’m really happy I woke up with a job this morning, but I just feel that itch in the back of my head that something can go wrong real quick and I’m back at square one.”

Tomoko just sighed at me.

“Everything is going to be fine Cecilia,” she says as she reaches her arm to mine. “There’s no point in worrying, they saw potential in you and that’s all that matters. You got to have confidence in yourself, you made the choice to quit your last job which you disliked and left your father for good, no more second chances for him. Bring the confidence you had then to you now. You don’t have to live your father’s expectations anymore or anyone else's for that matter. Just live up to yours, especially with the delivery job you're now working.”

“I know, it’s just hard to let go when you've lived with these types of things for a long time.”

“I understand how you feel,” Tomoko replied. “The same has happened to me, especially with the whole prodigy thing, with being pressured to do things I was hesitant to do.”

“How bout we move on before we make each other sad?” I proposed.

“Agreed, very few sentences but with a lot of emotions.”

“Oh hey, I’m curious,” I say to change the topic. “But can you say what type of PokéSpot you're hoping to find today?”

“Oh yeah, I can,” Tomoko said. “We’re hoping for a mountainous area, since that’s where Vullaby and Mandibuzz often hang out. We’re also hoping for some other Flying-Type Pokémon sans the Zubat family.”

I pause for a minute as something pops into my mind.

“First thing in my head, but Rockruff & Lycanroc can appear in mountainous areas right?”

“Yeah they could, but I doubt they’ll show up if the spot is certified,” Tomoko explained. Especially since they haven’t been spotted near here yet, even in
Unova. Only close ones are the Midday and Dusk variants the Orre police use along with Luxray instead of a standard Arcanine like most other police.”

“Yeah, I was thinking of that. Well, I guess I shouldn’t get your hopes up then.”

“I have my hopes up for something, our last few PokéSpot expeditions have gone south so I’m praying for some success.”

“Well, let’s pray for luck for you today,” I said. “I hope my bad luck hasn’t rubbed off on you.”

“Cecilia, I want to stop these constant conversations about you having so much bad luck,” Tomoko said as she checked her watch. “Oh, look at the time! I
didn’t realize it is almost seven, we better get going.”

“Oh it is?” I say as I do the same. “Felt like it was much longer.”

We both get up and clean up our dishes. I proceed to get ready and leave ahead of Tomoko. I really don’t want to be late on my first day, no matter how much I enjoy discussing things with Tomoko. I head towards the door.

“Oh wait, Cecilia before you go,” Tomoko says catching up with me. “Here, I made you lunch for today.”

Tomoko passes over a container, covered with red cloth. A Johtonese bento I believe it is called. I guess I must’ve forgotten about it when I shared breakfast with Tomoko, I feel like it’s all right assuming she planned this in a way.

“Thank you,” I simply say as I take the box. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“Hey, we’re friends and I wanted to do something nice for you as your friend, isn’t that okay?”

I just nod. I suppose I’m still not used to having a friend like Tomoko. Still feels nice, even after so many months.

“I seriously don’t know what I did to deserve you as a friend, Tomoko.”

“You took your own path in life with your hands, that’s what you did.”

Tomoko grabs my shoulders and pulls me into a tight hug. It took me a minute to realize, but when I did, I reciprocated the hug.

“Good luck on your first day of work.”

“You’re kinda acting like a mother sending her child to their first day of school.”

“Well, maybe I am a mother and you’re my daughter.”

I chuckled in response.

“Yeah, no. You are twenty-three and I’m nineteen going on twenty, this doesn’t work in any way possible, even with adoption in the equation.”
Tomoko let me go from her hug.

“Ah don’t ruin it!”

“Hey just saying, my mother would be mad too!” I say. “But, you've basically been the sister I’ve never had. And regardless of who you are in my life, I’m happy you’re part of it Tomoko.”

Tomoko grabbed me once again and spun me around towards the door, pushing me towards it lightly.

“Get going before you make me cry, okay,” Tomoko said. “I’ll see you later Cecilia.”

I turn around quickly before grabbing the door knob and wave to my roommate, though really she’s been more than that. My best friend and even more, I really got to do something for her to say thanks. Mental note; do something nice for Tomoko, take her somewhere or get her gift after your first paycheck. Second mental note; write it down in your planner so you don’t forget.

“I’ll see you after work, I’ll probably be home before you judging by your last expedition. Good luck and stay safe in the mountains.”

I made my way out of the apartment and into the hallway. I passed by a neighbor and waved as I went down the stairs towards the first floor. I walked into the main lobby and by the main desk, empty, Mr. Longfellow nowhere in sight, probably too early for him.

I continued on out of the complex and into the small parking lot, the rising sun greeting me, blinding in amalgamation the sandy dunes. I raised my arm in front of me to cover my eyes.

“Swear the sun here gets brighter and brighter everyday.”

I walked over to my hoverbike stationed here. My bike is what’s known as a MAR-229 Garchomp. This is actually a custom variation mostly done by me back at my old job; this silver-blue sports hoverbike was remodeled to include a sidecar with the inner workings being parts of newer models. Truth be told, I’ll never get why certain things have these really weird names like this one or have to be named after certain Pokémon. I understand they’re for production most likely, but they just seem so weird and out of place.

I climbed over onto the bike’s seating and grabbed my goggles out of my bag, then placed my bag over in the sidecar. Entering and turning the keys into the ignition, the bike starts to hover off the ground. I slide my goggles over my eyes and kick up the brake and begin pulling out of the parking lot of the apartment complex.

Between here and Phenac is about a twenty minute to half hour quiet drive. I live in the middle of nowhere basically, so it would make sense. Now that I think about it; there really is no such thing as traffic or at least bad traffic in Orre since we don’t have many roads and we don’t have specified Routes like other regions. Once in a while a separate vehicle shows up, but otherwise it is just me, my bike, the desert and wind.

Honestly, this calms my nerves so much. Tomoko was right not to be worried, but you still can’t help it. The cool morning desert wind flowing through my hair, just everything about this just helps.

After a while, I don’t know exactly how long, I tuned out a while back, I passed by a construction lot getting ready for the day. Oh yeah, I keep forgetting I drive past the in-construction airport pretty often. God, I talked about it so much the other day with Mr. Longfellow and Tomoko, then this just slips my mind.

It just feels weird to have an airport that’s going to be finished soon. It feels like it’s going to be done as quickly as it was ordered too, though with Pokémon like Machamp, it would be a lot shorter than with just human manpower alone. Orre’s never has had this direct connection with the rest of the world, besides our one port through Gateon and even still. Outside of trade imports and other things, we’ve just been on our own but hopefully with this airport being open, the other regions can finally stop being asses with us.

Though with what Mr. Longfellow was saying about certain things, who knows what will happen in the coming year. I’m just hoping it’s nothing too major or too bad, especially with the job problem I’ve been having.

A little while longer, I finally arrived at Phenac. I parked at the West Gate, the closest to my workplace building. I shutdowned my bike, pulled out my keys and took my goggles off. I slid off my bike and grabbed my messenger bag then into the city of Phenac.

Entering the city and being greeted by the dusty rose-like granite walls and other scenery. Stores and homes began lighting up as the day continued to begin and I walked by.

If I recall correctly, Phenac expanded greatly over the years. The city is much larger than it was during the Second Shadow Crisis, where it was taken over by
Cipher for a brief period of time. I think part of it was in response to that, it was a strange way to fortify it so it wouldn’t be easily taken over again and another part to compensate for it from losing its main attraction, their Stadium. The west side which I entered through became a much larger commercial district, when previously it was just a few shops and the mayor’s abode. The East Gate side was the residential district which was also expanded, with a few convenience stores or cafés trickling in but nothing major I believe. The stadium was transformed into a community center that anyone can use, becoming the new heart of the city along with what it is known as the Pre-Gym. At least, that’s what I believe it was, I don’t come here often enough to figure it all out, though I guess that’s going to change.

“Let’s see,” I mumbled aloud trying to remember the way. “Take a right from the west gate, and then take another right past the electronics store.”
It’s still early in the morning, about the half hour or longer mark for seven, so I imagine most stores haven’t opened yet. While walking by the electronics store, one of the TV’s in the store’s window started up. I assume whoever opens the store must’ve turned it on with the rest of the place, guess they’ll be opening soon. The feed of the TV came up, showing a news update and the sounds of it began to echo out. Out of curiosity or out of nervousness, I stopped.

Welcome back to an ONBS News Update; I’m your host as always Nelly Ancha. For our headline story this hour we have some breaking news; we have gotten word of the arrest of former Cipher Admin Dakim after his escape from prison. Dakim was a Cipher Admin during the first Shadow Incident twelve years ago, and was given a life sentence with no chance of parole over various charges. He was found trying to stowaway on a cargo ship leaving Orre for the Kanto region but was found and recaptured by Orre police. We asked Orre National Police Commissioner and one of the two heroes of the first Shadow Crisis, Wes Thompson, about his take on the incident.”

The screen changes to accommodate a second feed where a sandy-blond man wearing a dark blue suit comes into frame. Showing his nice fancy office and desk, I take notice of a red and black coat-sleeve like object behind him in a display case. It doesn’t fit the theme of the room, but yet it fits like it has to be there.

“Dakim’s escape was highly unusual and we are still trying to figure out how he escaped,” Wes said. “We have theorised that he may have had outside help.”

“Do you believe that former Cipher Admin Ardos may have had a hand in Dakim’s escape?
The reporter questioned. “Who in mind, has been still at large, seven years after the second Shadow Crisis where he escaped custody after Cipher’s defeat at the hands of Micheal Weaver.”

We are looking into the possibility but if we must be honest, the chances are very slim. We have increased police presence all across the region and shipping networks over the course of these past several years; the chances of him coming back into Orre unnoticed is very difficult. We’ve been cooperating with the International Police to find him, but no new information has been discovered recently.”

“Despite the increased police force over the years, there are still many criminals here in Orre,”
the reporter explained. “What are the police’s plans for dealing with this? Especially since Dakim’s temporary escape may have inspired these lowfolk.”

“As of right now, we have no idea what reaction this might bring,
” the Commissioner replied. “Since Dakin’s escape was only temporary and he was found before the ship left port, we are assuming no major response for the time being as we regroup and continue our current ongoing investigations into groups.”

“That is all that we have for today Commissioner Thompson. Thank you for coming on today and from us here at ONBS we like to wish you congratulations on you and your wife’s second child.”


The commissioner before cutting away gave a smirk and a small laugh; “Thank you for having me and thank you for the congrats.”

“After the break; we go over Orre’s opening of our first airport in the coming year, what happens next? Also up next is the possible resurgence of the Under, closed down due to safety concerns and a takeover by Cipher, why is it coming back into the limelight? And finally, it looks like we might have sightings of our next major sandstorm, should you prepare for the worst? Those and more on ONBS.”


I began to walk away from the window when the news program started fading to black. Wes Thompson, considered one of the two heroes of Orre during the first Shadow Crisis and more recently after his return to the region after taking out other branches of Cipher, he went to become the first national commissioner of the new expanded police force in Orre. All at the relatively young age of thirty-two! He's always been one of my heroes and role models, I mean who wouldn’t have him as those?

“All right, let’s go.”

I take a deep breath and then finally go right past the electronics store. Soon after I take a left, revealing the sign in front of a moderately sized building saying
‘Phenac Delivery Service Company.’ For a small company it seems so large.

I took another breath and started walking into the building

“Hello!” Someone said as soon as I walked in. “Are you here to send something?”

I jumped, I looked towards my front and noticed someone was already sitting at the front desk. A young brunette dark-skinned woman about my age if a little older I believed sitting there, actually really identifiable with her yellow cardigan on. Did the place open when I was staring at the news over at that electronics store?

“Uh, no,” my reply came out awkwardly. “I am the new employee Mr.Dodds hired the other day, he asked me to come in early today for training.”

“Ah yeah, Dad mentioned you I believe. Cecilia Matthews, correct?”

Wait, did she ‘Dad’? I guess I should’ve expected that. My reply was only me nodding my head.

“Alright then, he should be in his office right now, I hope. Do you remember where it was from your interview?”

“Enter into the back room and take a left, right?” I said as I pointed to the doors behind the desk.

“Yep, you got it.”

“Thank you, what was your name?”

“Arial, Arial Dodds. You can call me Ari,” she replied.

“Thanks again and nice to meet you.”

“Same, better get going,” Ari said. “My dad won’t rough you up I swear, and I’m looking forward to working with you.”

My feet start moving in the direction of the doors behind the desk Ari is sitting behind and raise my arm to push one of them open. The opening door reveals the surprisingly large package sorting room. With multiple conveyor belts albeit stopped at the minute, boxes nearly everywhere, and crates with packages marked with what city or town the package is supposed to go to.

I shifted myself left to another door, my new boss’s office. Subconsciously, my right leg started shaking up and down out of nervousness, a bad habit of mine that I think I will probably never get out of.

“You were fine the other day Cecilia,” I mumbled to myself and grabbed my jacket tightly in order to calm down. “You are fine, everything is fine, everything is fine.”

I took a deep breath after what I called my “calming mantra.” Something I made up in order to keep calm if I ever get really nervous. It may succeed sometimes but it’s the only thing I have thought of that works most of the time.

I raised my arm and finally knocked at the door a couple of times, after enough how many delays I gave myself.

“It’s open! Come on in!”

I nervously grabbed the handle and pushed the door open into Mr. Dodds’ office. It was a simple office to be frank. Just a desk with a computer and other stuff
like photos on it with him sitting behind, two chairs in front of the desk, and two bookshelves. I would expect more in an office like this, like you would see on the TV or movies, but this isn’t TV or movies sadly. That would make things so much easier actually now that I think about it.

“Ah Cecilia!” The man rose from his chair and began speaking. “Welcome back, it’s good to see you again.”

Mr.Dodds walked over to me and raised his hand for a handshake. I complied with returning his handshake.

“Thank you for giving me this chance to work here sir.”

“Oh please, don’t call me sir,” he said. “You may just continue calling me Mr.Dodds, or by my first name Adam if you prefer. Here we treat everyone like family.”

“Alright then,” was all I said.

“Now please, take a seat.”

Mr. Dodds went back behind his desk and sat at his desk. I followed suit and sat in one of the two chairs with my leg following suit as well starting to pance up
and down again. I quickly put my hand down on it and pushed it onto the floor.

“So, today’s training day. It should be easy to grasp the ins and out of this place.”

I nod.

“Remember, I gave you a chance not based on your last name. I know you mentioned a few workplaces you applied to but didn't accept you due to your father’s reputation in Orre’s business community.”

Where is he going with this? Please don’t tell me he’s going to ask why I left my dad’s mechanic shop, I’ve already had to deal with that enough with all the other job interviews and was happy he didn’t bring it up during the one here.

“Honestly, I’m just more surprised no one else took you in,” Mr. Dodds said. “For someone your age, no offense if any, I’m surprised at some of the skills you mentioned in your resume besides your mechanical skills on vehicles.”

“I just put in what I thought people would want. Took from my time in school and working.”

“Still, organizational skills with workplace related programs, and though minimal, accounting and managerial skills. Outside of your position as a delivery
person, I might throw you in some other areas of our workplace so we can expand these skills of yours, a lot of prospective places look for these skills.”

I’m surprised at all this praise he’s giving me. I only obtained some of those skills by filling in for my father when he was unavailable and by virtue of being one of few of the consistent workers at the place. Those accounting skills came in handy though minimizing my funds over the past few months though.

“Well, let’s move on from this. I sound like I’m talking to my daughter, I’m sorry if I’m coming off as anything weird.”

“Uh, don’t be? You’re just looking too far ahead I guess?”

“True, today’s the day you start and learn something new, not going over what you’ve done with you at your old workplace,” Mr. Dodds said. “Also, not my place to pry about things, but I gathered talking about whatever went down with your father and your past workplace is something off limits, but if you ever want to talk about it, I’m happy to lend an ear.”

“Thank you,” I simply said.

“Now let’s officially start training. I wanna do a sorta blind test with what you can do out on the field with minimal knowledge,” Mr.Dodds said as he got up and walked to the doors. “Come on.”

A blind test? Well, semi-blind test is more like it I guess. I wonder where this is going. Not even a full day and this feels a lot better than working at the mechanics.

I followed Mr.Dodds back out into the sorting room, where in the short span of time I was in the office it felt like the building started booming. Workers were
starting to come in and get everything moving, hover trucks started blaring, those conveyor belts started moving.

“Morning boss!” A bunch of workers said.

“Morning fellas,” Mr. Dodds replied.

“Sup Adam,” a worker mumbled walking past us.

“Morning Blake, still waking up?”

“Yees, slept badly last night.”

Are bosses usually this well liked? I thought this usually happened on those stupid TV shows that fill out the endless re-run time slots. Mr. Dodds can’t be this kind, can he?

“Who’s the girl behind him?” I heard someone say in the distance. “She looks about Ari’s age.”

“I believe she’s one of the new hires for the delivery position. I heard she’s the daughter of that Matthews guy.”

Seriously? Gossip on me already and related to my Dad already. I change my mind about what I said about this being better than the mechanics. Actually no scratch that, it’s actually still at least somewhat better.

“Wait, as in Holden Matthews? That horrible dude who runs a mechanics shop in Pyrite?”

Mr. Dodds stops in front of me for a moment and turns to the majority of workers present in this large room. Taking a few steps forward in front of me.

“Hey everyone!” His voice suddenly boomed and echoed. “This here is one of our newest hires starting today as a delivery worker. Meet Cecilia Matthews! I want you guys to treat her well and show her the ropes if I need you to.”

“Gotcha boss!” The group chimed.

“Welcome aboard,” a passing voice said.

Similar chimes came by, of welcomes, looking forwards and what not. Almost a complete 180 from what they were whispering only a few moments earlier. Did
my new boss do that on purpose? Though all this attention made me feel red and I soon started to put my face into my hands.

“Cecilia hold this for me please.”

I look up and see Mr. Dodds handing me a package which I took promptly into the hands that were just in my face.

I look back down at the package while Mr. Dodds and I began walking again into another room. The first thing I looked at was the address out of curiosity.

Eugene Stacy:
73 Parker Lane
Phenac City, Orre Region.


Soon after I look up again, Mr. Dodds and I landed in a staff room of some kind. The room is large, like the size of a large one room studio apartment. With a kitchen area and a small living room like area. There are about twenty or so half height lockers across one of the walls on the opposite side of the room which Mr.Dodds leads me over to.

“This last one on the top right will be your locker while you work here,” he says as he points to the locker marked Number D10. “There’s a company jacket and hat in there for you, we had to estimate your size for each, so just ask if they don’t fit. Though you don’t need them yet, however you’ll need this device.”

He hands me a large bulky remote like device with a screen on top and a type of pen in a clip on its side.

“This is a Mobile Delivery Device, or a MDD for short,” he explained. “This is what you will use to have packages signed or scanned. This was implemented
to make it easier on us since we are expecting to have way more packages coming up when the airport finally opens to the public and we won’t have to waste paper on people’s signatures. This also makes this easier on the authorities since they can tell which is a proper package or not, or track stolen packages.”

I start fiddling around with the device to at least somewhat know it best I can. I’ll probably guess how much of it works while I’m heading over to wherever this guy lives.

“I assume you're getting the gist of the blind test?

“Test how I work on deliveries and how quickly I’ll pick up this device?”

“In a way, yes,” my boss replied.

“Is this guy with the company by chance?” I asked. “What are the chances he’s not there?”

“If someone’s not there we usually leave a note on their door or mailbox if it requires their signature,” Mr. Dodds explained. “But this person is a friend of the company, he’ll be there.”

I nod in understandment.

“Well, about you go give it a shot in the field? Get going, first delivery time Cecilia!”
 
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Guess what? I'm your Secret Santa. I'd intended to get this out before today, but one thing led to another. I'm going to start with the smaller points of technical accuracy and the like before moving on to the meat of the review.

as I passed one city of civilization

Orre is very inhospitable to wild Pokémon

The few hover cars and bikes


Errant apostrophe there.

as I wave and say; “Good evening Mr.Longfellow.”

That semi-colon ought to be either a full stop or a comma. You seem to like your semi-colons - and indeed, though the vast majority of them are technically used correctly, there are a lot of instances where I think they could just as easily be replaced with a comma, or split into two discrete sentences.

living upto expectations

Missing space.

Style
I get the impression, certainly in the first couple of chapters, that the narrative really needs a second draft. I think perhaps you're trying to be too clever, and finding your sentences becoming muddled as a result. I'm going to pick a couple of examples to illustrate this point:

The desert’s beating sky rains upon me as I take out what I treasure the most, my prized sketchbook and begun to have the scenery of the desert plastered onto the paper with my pencil.

There's a weird mixed metaphor going on here. 'Beating' and 'rains' together doesn't leave much of an evocative image in the end. You're also missing quite what's beating/raining down. Presumably it's the heat, but it would be better to find a way to say as much. This passive voice for sketching is ... weird. I don't quite know what it achieves, which would be the main argument for reversing that. 'Plastered', again and odd verb for sketching.

My usual drawing coming here is to draw the new formation I’ve found, and then whatever’s behind it.

This one could do with a thorough rewrite. At the least the 'drawing' clause needs to be replaced with something clearer, in the vein of 'My usual reason to come here'.

The long black hair that is my own, flew behind me.

Strange syntax there.

I took notice of the red like sleeve on a hanger of sorts behind him

I'm afraid I have no idea what this means.

Setting
I'm unfamiliar with the Orre region, so I'm having to make guesses about what's canon and what isn't. There seems to be a disconnect in the style and depth of description between chapters one and two, and chapter three. With a bit of tidying up (As outlined above) one and two would be fine, I think. In chapter three there's a lot of mundane description that doesn't do a lot to aid worldbuilding.

If I remember correctly, the city originally expanded in order to compensate for its stadium, its major tourist attraction, shutting down due to the popularity of Realgam Tower.

I'm not quite sure what you're aiming at here. Is this supposed to imply that the popularity of Realgam Tower is behind the city's expansion? Or that the city pushed commercial growth after tourism dropped off? The latter wouldn't make much sense, since, well, the sentence as written shows that the Tower usurped the stadium. Something else briefly to mention before I forget.

into the mountainous area.

This type of construction seems to appear a lot in fanfiction. I'm not sure why - perhaps it comes from RPGs or something. In any case, you can just say 'into the mountains'. It means the same thing, just more elegantly, and sounds less like you're GMing and more like an author.

Plot
Not an awful lot to say at this juncture. It's quite a lengthy introduction into the story. I wonder whether it could be streamlined somewhat, particularly in getting to the point faster with the new job. I usually say I don't mind stories being given a little space to breathe, and I stand by that, but certainly by this point you'd be well-advised to get to the point in the next chapter.

The over-friendly boss trope is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but it's not the worst thing in the world. What bugs me more is that he apparently did the relevant background and referencing after giving her the job, as opposed to between the interview and the offer. You might justifiably say it's not much of a plot hole, but it's equally easily fixed. Generally I'd say don't stretch disbelief if you don't have to.

Final Thoughts
I think this is really a case of another draft and some stern editing bringing it up to scratch. I don't think there's really anything wrong with the bones here, certainly nothing that demands going back to the drawing board
 
C1
- A beating sky of a desert raining down. Uh, sure.
- I can tell right away this person sure likes two things: sketching and line breaks
- and pack away my sketchbook <- Present tense all of a sudden?

Not exactly a grabby opening, but it's a short one that's a prologue in all but name. It's a bit annoyingly vague and expositionary at the same time but hey.

C2
- The long black hair that is my own, flew behind me. <- Awkward phrasing here. Well I suppose she's an artist, not a wordsmith.
- The base of Team Snagem this building once was <-
- or disappear off the face <- Typo, disappeared
- Huh, you'd think a major organization going down and their hideout being converted would get it a lot of attention. I mean it makes sense that it's cheap for being so far out of the way, but the given reason is that it's not known.
- Still, it's a solid setup as a location.
- What is the thank you gesture anyway?
- There's a sudden shift from present to past tense and back in here.
- Well she is among the first I've seen that used jumpscared as a verb.
- Johtonese? That...is a surprisingly amusing descriptor that rolls off the tongue well.
- Messenger birds! Now we're old-skool.

C3
- around six am <- Earlier you used "P.M", so going "am" here is inconsistent.
- A decent exposition to Orre's lack of wild Pokemon and setting up some plot beats at the same time.
- I swear she has some radiant glow when she does things like this. <- yuri'lly making it kind of obvious :p
- living upto <- Compound word where it shouldn't be
- I'd make a Futurama joke at the delivery woman thing but it's been way too long since I've seen it so I don't know any relevant ones
- She even makes her bento, jeez. Placing my bet on now that something develops!
- Cecilia sure repeats not wanting to be late on the first day a lot. Kind of borders on the point that it's excessively driving the point home rather than making it seems like it's something she is obsessed with.
- Poking fun at the fact that a lot of things in the Pokemon world are just named after Pokemon?
- The less hover cars and bikes make these drives so nice and relaxing <- Uh, what? This sentence confuses me.
- Why would Realgam if it's all in one place run at least this one out of business when it's clear that going out of your way is a thing? I presume Realgam is just that popular?
- “Let see,” <-Pretty sure this is a typo and not her speech pattern.
- Okay, thirteen years later! Framing!
- Wes as a cop though? I find that one hard to see, given his history. Although, an excuse to ship with Rui I guess, and that's okay.
- Heh, was even going to call it a calming mantra before seeing the paragraph with it in it.
- Gideon? My first thought was the one crazy scientist guy from Team Rocket.
- Hm, a mysterious first package indeed. And it's being framed as training. I expect him to be a pest as a test!

Okay stuff so far. Technical stuff could use some work, but that sort of stuff doesn't detract enough for me. I'll keep reading, since it's solid enough with promise so far! Uh, if you keep writing, given that this last updated over a year ago, but hey!
 
Okay, I better get to doing these replies before it's 20XX.

@Beth Pavell I am so so so sorry, for taking so long to reply your review. Everytime I just look at the review you left and I literally could of think of nothing to say in response and while I still can't think of much to say for it, I will be taking a majority of your advice you gave for the the story and I can't thank you enough.

And now for I think I can say.
I get the impression, certainly in the first couple of chapters, that the narrative really needs a second draft. I think perhaps you're trying to be too clever, and finding your sentences becoming muddled as a result.
Yeah, I think I'll need to go back at some point give some more editing to those first two chapters. While I'm happy the way they came out, they probably need more meat on those bones.

I took notice of the red like sleeve on a hanger of sorts behind him
I'm afraid I have no idea what this means.
That supposed to be Wes's Snag Machine. As you're unfamiliar with the Orre region, Wes was the protagonist of Pokémon Colosseum, so he used that Snag Machine stolen from his former Team Snagem as to reclaim Shadow Pokémon from Team Cipher. While his Snag Machine could also catch regular Pokémon already owned by regular Trainers this function was barred in game obviously. The next Snag Machine in XD: Gale of Darkness explicit had this ability removed and only had the ability to catch Shadow Pokémon.

I'm not quite sure what you're aiming at here. Is this supposed to imply that the popularity of Realgam Tower is behind the city's expansion? Or that the city pushed commercial growth after tourism dropped off? The latter wouldn't make much sense, since, well, the sentence as written shows that the Tower usurped the stadium. Something else briefly to mention before I forget.
That'll probably will be fix when I get to rewriting parts of these chapters. But to explain some things, in Gale of Darkness, Phenac Stadium shut down due to how popular Realgam Tower, since it's very close by and has it own stadium. So, after some tinkering in my brain, I decided to expand the city as their way of compensating for the loss of their main attraction.

The over-friendly boss trope is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but it's not the worst thing in the world. What bugs me more is that he apparently did the relevant background and referencing after giving her the job, as opposed to between the interview and the offer. You might justifiably say it's not much of a plot hole, but it's equally easily fixed. Generally I'd say don't stretch disbelief if you don't have to.
That will be fixed when I get chance, I didn't realised it could be taken that way. I meant it to be taken as a confirmation of her parentage and something I'm adding into a future chapter.

Well, that's all I can really say. I am once again really sorry for taking so long to reply to this review despite saying so little. But like I said before, I will be taking most of your advice and implementing it into the chapter rewrites and the future chapters.

Now for the next review, which I didn't expect to get at all.
- Huh, you'd think a major organization going down and their hideout being converted would get it a lot of attention. I mean it makes sense that it's cheap for being so far out of the way, but the given reason is that it's not known.
- Still, it's a solid setup as a location.
Well, I decided since in XD: Gale of Darkness, Snagem pretty much is dissolved except for a few members, and by now seven years later I imagine they would most likely be forgotten by now. So this area falling under the radar wouldn't surprise me.

- What is the thank you gesture anyway?
You know when driving you kinda do a motion with your hands to say thank you to someone for letting you pass or when you motion after a driver stops at a crosswalk, that's what I was trying to refer to.

- Johtonese? That...is a surprisingly amusing descriptor that rolls off the tongue well.
Yeah, if I remember correctly Johto doesn't have a term to call their Pokémon and people by (Kantonian, Unovan, Kalosian, Alolan, and Galarian I don't know if there are any others) and I think Johtonian sounds weird off of the tongue, so I since I always believe Johto is the more Japanese inspired region compared to Kanto and the other regions that share the same island so I thought it would fit. It's also why Tomoko has a Japanese name instead of a English name.

- Messenger birds! Now we're old-skool.
Old-school!! There's another reason in-universe for this that I can't wait to reveal at some point.

- A decent exposition to Orre's lack of wild Pokemon and setting up some plot beats at the same time.
I'm surprise you find it well, I was unsure since I often feel I make Cecilia's thoughts too long or made it more tell instead of show. Maybe I should stop being negative at myself.

- I swear she has some radiant glow when she does things like this. <- yuri'lly making it kind of obvious :p

- She even makes her bento, jeez. Placing my bet on now that something develops!
I appreciate the pun. But if I remember correctly I didn't even think of it being taken like that when writing the chapter, though I did expect shipping between the two at some point.

- Cecilia sure repeats not wanting to be late on the first day a lot. Kind of borders on the point that it's excessively driving the point home rather than making it seems like it's something she is obsessed with.
Once again, there's a point for this but spoilers. But I think I probably should tone it down a bit when I go back and edit.

- Poking fun at the fact that a lot of things in the Pokemon world are just named after Pokemon?
Yes, and my own confusion at it. It is name after Garchomp since it is a land shark, and I imagine people using them to go around a desert.

- Why would Realgam if it's all in one place run at least this one out of business when it's clear that going out of your way is a thing? I presume Realgam is just that popular?
As I said earlier replying to Beth, Realgam is in canon the reason Phenac Stadium shut down between Colosseum and Gale of Darkness. As for the other stadiums, I have no clue yet.

- Okay, thirteen years later! Framing!
Oh, wait that's a typo. That should be twelve not thirteen. I'll fix that immediately.

- Wes as a cop though? I find that one hard to see, given his history. Although, an excuse to ship with Rui I guess, and that's okay.
Once again, spoilers, but is it really that hard to see? I mean, people probably been cops with some criminal history. Also I didn't say his wife was Rui.....but I also say it wasn....Yeah, it's her. No point hiding it.

- Heh, was even going to call it a calming mantra before seeing the paragraph with it in it.
Fun fact: I share the exact same one in real life, I just add "Pyrrha is fine" in mine as a joke reference to RWBY Chibi.

Okay stuff so far. Technical stuff could use some work, but that sort of stuff doesn't detract enough for me. I'll keep reading, since it's solid enough with promise so far! Uh, if you keep writing, given that this last updated over a year ago, but hey!
Yay more readers!! Reads the rest; Oh yeah.

Chapter 4 is about half to close to being done, just some parts have been aching at me and I've been constantly changing them for the past year. But with the new opportunity write due to the chaos going on right now, I might get more done.....Or not.
 
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Chapter 4: Lay of the Land
Orre: The Desert
Chapter 4: Lay of the Land.
(Updated November 27th, 2021)


I started leaving through the door whilst I came to deliver my first package. The lobby of the center was still empty as I passed by the reception desk.

“Let’s see,” mumbling aloud. “Have I been down Parker Lane before? It can’t be too hard to find, can it?”

“Huh, Cecilia?”

“Parker Lane was by the community center right?”

“Cecilia?”

I stopped a few feet before the door, still wondering where Parker Lane was. I’ve only been to Phenac a few times before today and don’t have a lay of the city like I should’ve.

“Cecilia!”

A voice which I had been ignoring had emerged in front of me in the form of Ari.

My obvious reaction was a jump followed by an; “Ahh!”

“Sorry!” Ari exclaimed immediately. “I didn’t mean to scare you! I called out to you but you were so lost in thought I couldn’t reach you.”

“No, no. It’s fine, I get scared easily,” I hastily explained. “Just trying to figure out how to get to this location for a blind test Mr. Dodds put me on.”

I handed Ari the package her father gave me for the test delivery and pointed at the address given.

“A blind test? Dad is already sending you on deliveries?” Ari mumbled as she grabbed the package to look more easily at the address. “Oh, this address is about ten minutes away.”

“Really?”

“Yep,” she replied. “By any chance did my father give you a MDD?”

“Yeah, what does that have to do with this?”

“Take it out, I’ll show you something you can do with it.”

“Is it alright that you tell me about whatever? This is a blind test.”

“Whatever my father doesn’t know, won’t kill him,” Ari said. “Now, take out the device.”

I do as Ari asked, and grab the Mobile Delivery Device out of my messenger bag and pass it along to her. She subsequently grabbed it and rotated her hand to
show the bulky device’s screen.

“Since there is a scanner in here that we use to scan packages and track them, we can use it the other way to act as a GPS,” she presses a button that leads
into a menu and scrolls down to a bar aptly named GPS. “You can either put in the address manually or use the device to scan the barcode.”

Like Ari explained, she pointed to the top of the MDD at the package’s barcode and clicked the button in the middle that said scan. A red light flashed the
barcode and voila, the address popped up with directions when Ari passed it back to me.

“Thank you,” I simply said. “I didn’t know mailing companies had stuff like this.”

“It’s part of some new regulations I believe, I haven’t bothered paying close attention to it,” she explained. “Most of the stuff in our MDDs are unique to Orre,
this is so we can prevent theft and make sure our packages get to the correct recipients.”

“How much stuff is in here?” I asked. “There’s a scanner, GPS for directions and tracking, as well as a touch screen for signatures.”

“That’s usually the basic stuff most of those have,” Ari said as she crossed her arms. “Like I said there are more unique things but I’ll explain that later. Don’t you have a package to deliver Cecilia?”

“Shit,” I slipped out. “Thanks for the advice about the MDD.”

I quickly ran past Ari, out the door and back into the streets of Phenac. I raised the MDD to my face to look at the GPS.

“Let’s see, according to this thing, take a left from here down Petalite Street.”

I do as the GPS says and begin to take a left from the delivery company. The bright side of this ten minute walk to the package’s recipient place is I guess I can see more of Phenac City. I’ve always enjoyed the dusty rose sand like color that the Phenac buildings always gave off. The several times I’ve been here, reminds me of a city of sand that has come to life. If I wasn’t doing a delivery I would try and draw the city.

I arrived at the end of Petalite Street to a small three-way intersection, and stared down at the GPS again. It says to keep moving forward where I am and then take a left into Parker lane. Ari wasn’t kidding about it being so close to the company building. I wonder if there’s going to be some extra test with this, is this guy gonna act like a jerk or something? Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last.

I took the left and looked up looking for a street sign that says Parker Lane. I know I have the GPS on the MDD with me now, but I wanted to make absolutely sure. I find the sign for Parker Lane and start going down that path of the street.

I turn my head and start looking down at the houses that Parker Lane displays in rows looking for 73 Parker Lane as I walk by.

“55, 56, 60, 63,” I say out loud to myself as I walk by each house and read their numbers. “65, 68, 70, 72, there! This should be 73 Parker Lane...I hope.”

I walk on into the presume yard of the Stacys. My steps echoing on the stone platings as I walked towards the amber color door. I look at the mailbox, to see a mark on it with a 73 and the name “Stacy.”

I pressed the doorbell, with its chime echoing through my ears.

“Just a second!” I heard a voice muffled through the door. “Kiara dear, if you would mind getting the door?”

His partner or a child? Eh, it doesn't matter. I waited for a couple seconds, and I heard some type of footsteps inside, though what it sounded like was more light I heard the doorknob click and slowly open up. Revealing a Pokémon opening the door; tall, almost human-like, with greenish hair, dark yet somehow pale ivory skin, with almost blackish highlights forming a dress. Do I know this Pokémon? If I did, it feels like it’s different than what they should be.

“Garde,” they went and moved out of the way revealing a man in a wheelchair.

“Um, Mr. Eugene Stacy I presume?”

“Actually it is Dr. Stacy but whatever you prefer, you are correct though,” the man said. “You must be Ms. Matthews, then? Adam said you were coming.”

“Yes!” I weirdly shout out. “Do you want me to hand over the package and MDD to your companion here so you may sign it?”

“No, please come on in,” Mr. Stacy answered. “It's a tad chilly than it usually is today and I don’t want to bring a draft in.”

I paused.

“Isn’t that -- what’s the word, ah forget it I’ll use something else,” I say. “Isn’t that against something?”

“No, Adam gives me permission to let his workers in when I have packages delivered,” Dr. Stacy explained. “It’s usually when I don’t have Kiara here, but she
has a doctor’s appointment which my husband is taking her to real soon, so I’m making an exception.”

“Are you still sure?”

“Yes, now come on in Ms. Matthews.”

I reluctantly and hesitantly follow Dr. Stacy’s instructions. As I entered, the Pokémon shut the door behind me and led me to the table Dr. Stacy rolled himself into to sit at.

“Thank you Kiara, you can go meet with Bruce for your appointment.”

The Pokémon closed their eyes and breathed in quietly, soon in a flash of light they were gone. Leaving only myself and Dr. Stacy.

“Uh, wow,” I said. “What kind of Pokémon were they?”

“Oh, Kiara?” Dr. Stacy replied. “She’s a Gardevoir, a Psychic Pokémon originally native to the Hoenn region, though a little different from a normal one. We adopted her to be our assistant Pokémon, especially for me.”

“Huh, I've never seen one before today.”

I went and placed the package on the table, holding the MDD over it. I pressed the down button and scrolled on the screen and found the scan package function Ari showed me earlier.

The screen flashed and changed to asking if I wanted a GPS or signature, I selected the latter of the two choices. I pointed the top down and pressed the middle button, scanning the barcode on top with a little beep. The screen changed asking for a signature.

I looked to Dr. Stacy to hand him the device, to see him taking notes.

“Ah, sorry, Adam asked me to take some notes on how you conduct this,” Dr. Stacy explained as he took the device and signed it like it was second nature to him.

“What’s your relation to Mr. Dodds? Uhhhh, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to!”

Dr. Stacy laughs as he hands the MDD back.

“It’s fine, no secrets here,” he said. “We’re brothers-in-law, he married my older sister, Tamara. I help him from time to time with some stuff regarding his business in exchange I can get my packages a tad earlier than intended and I get some research assistance though I’ve stopped the latter.”

“Research assistance?” I raise an eyebrow.

“Oh, I’m a psychologist and sometimes I can’t get out to do research on people, so Adam usually sent someone here for me to psycho-analyze or more in layman's terms, simply read people. But I’ve stopped intentionally doing that after some complaints.”

I raise my eyebrow further.

“After so much intentional psycho-analysis and reading, you learned to do it unintentionally,” said the psychologist. “Kinda like how you learn to read and then gradually learn to do it on auto-pilot without even trying.”

I stop and pause for a moment. Soon after, the realization kicked in and I understood what he meant.

“Also, sorry to impede on you, but could you grab me the pocket knife that’s on the counter over there?” Dr. Stacy asked. “I would like to check to make sure the thing I ordered is in good condition. I ordered from outside the region so I want to be sure it arrived safely.”

“Actually,” I replied as I began digging through my bag. “I have one myself if you would like to use it.”

“Oh, why thank you,” the man said as he took it from my hand and began using it to cut open the package. “How convenient! Rare to see these carried around nowadays.”

“I’ve been looking into one of those multitools as an upgrade. It’s been more useful than I thought for a gift from my dad.”

Dr. Stacy sliced down the tape on the package and closed the knife. Quickly passing it over the pocket knife back to me and placed it back into my bag.

“I heard about your father from Adam,” Dr. Stacy said. “Just out of curiosity, are those rumors from the business community true about him? I’ve heard some very peculiar things about him and how he runs his shop. I'm honestly surprised he can keep it afloat with those rumors around.”

“Which ones are you referring to? I asked. “There were so many that I stopped bothering reading about them after the first several showed up.”

“How he runs his business specifically, I’ve heard he drives people to perfection when doing work on vehicles or his strictness regarding how it should be done his way.”

I shuddered so quickly at the words, rubbing my arm at the thought. I still feel some pain from some of those. Just remembering how my father wanted me to fix something that came into the shop and the constant yelling at me if I didn’t do the way he taught me how to do it. There’s a lot of bad memories there that I would wish to forget. Why did I keep giving him so many chances?

“Yes, they are correct,” I said while still rubbing my arm, tracing something on my arm through my jacket. “No matter what I learned, if it can go a different way, if it wasn’t the way he taught me how to do it, it was wrong no matter what. Even when you did it his way, it still felt like it wasn’t enough. Even when he was “too busy” to run the place half the time.”

Why am I saying this to some random stranger? I guess psychologists know how to answer the right questions.

“Have you heard some of the rumors regarding yourself?”

“There’s rumors about me?”

“Not many fortunately, but they only started to show up after you left it seems.”

“So they’re likely wondering why I left?”

“Correct,” Dr. Stacy replied. “There’s also some wondering why you didn’t leave sooner.”

“Yeah, I’ll give the gossipers that one. I gave my father way too many chances.”

“You seem like such a nice girl, it’s sad that you have a father like him. I hope you go places he would never imagine.”

The doctor opened up the package and started to look inside.

“Ah yes, it is about time this shows up,” Dr. Stacy said, changing the subject.

I peeked over a bit to view what the contents were, but then immediately backed up. I shook my head to myself, I shouldn't look at the content of people’s packages. I should probably get going.

“I ought to be getting back to the company building now that I’m thinking about it,” I bring up as I back up towards the door.

“Ah yes of course,” Dr. Stacy replied. “I’ll contact Adam on your way back and tell him that the package was received successfully.”

“Thank you and have a nice day.”

“Wait, one more second.”

I stop mid turn and see Dr. Stacy holding a card towards me which I promptly take.

“I apologize for asking those questions, the analyst in me got out a bit,” Dr. Stacey said. “But if you want to talk further, I’m all open. Also if you want, I do research studies and often look for volunteers, it’s a paid part too.”

“I’ll consider it, thank you. Once again, have a nice day.”

“Same to you Ms. Matthews.”

I walk out and close the door behind me. My first delivery was completed, not bad for a (well, not so much thanks to Ari) blind test.

Welp, time to make my way back to the company building.

~

The walk back to the delivery center was easy since I already knew the way thanks to the first trip earlier. When I walked inside it was still primarily empty since it was still early in the day and the places were just opening up.

I walked over and pushed through the employees only door and into the sorting room. The room was more active than it was when I was here earlier, where now the workers were working the conveyor belts and sorting packages. I wonder when I’m not delivering packages, will I be doing stuff like this?

“Ah Cecilia, welcome back,” I heard someone near.

I turn and see Mr. Dodds walking towards me. I place my hand on my chest and breathe deeply in and out.

“Ah hello Mr. Dodds,” I say when he walks up.

“I got a call from Eugene and I heard the package delivery went nicely,” he said. “Well done, he also said you were very polite with your approach.”

“Oh,” I simply said. “Tell him I said thank you for the kind words next time you talk to him.”

“No problem, I will extend that for you,” he replies. “Now, since your blind test has gone well, let’s test your organizational skills.”

I might see where this is going, but I don’t comment to make sure exactly what I am doing.

“You see the packages on the conveyor belts entering the crates?” He said as he pointed over to said objects.

I nod in response.

“When they are done and landed in the crates, just take them and put them in the one for the corresponding town or city.”

“Understood,” I responded.

“One just finished up, so start on that,” Mr. Dodds said. “If you have any questions ask for a worker named Joseph.”

I started sorting the packages as Mr. Dodds told me to do so. Putting the packages in their correct bin. A lot of packages are meant for here in Phenac City or
Pyrite Town. The rest of the towns have about a third of the packages that Phenac or Pyrite get. I’m even surprised my apartment building has its own crate (despite how small it is) since we don’t really connect to any certain town, you’d think it would be connected to Phenac since it’s the closest city or town to the building. Seriously, who turned that old Snagem base into an apartment complex of all things?

Before I knew it, two hours had passed of me just sorting the packages. Might have been since I stacked them in every crate nicely as I could instead of just tossing them in like I imagine most people would do most of the time. Despite how boring this seems, it was kind of relaxing and I tuned out of it just doing it. I only snapped out of it when one of the workers came to give me new crates to work with after I finished and filled the ones I had. I check the time placed on my watch, only about eleven, it seems it’s been longer. I work for another hour, tuning out yet once again only being taken out of it again by one of the workers.

“You’ve been sorting packages for three and a half hours straight, take your lunch break and I’ll have someone take your place.”

I looked at the time and it is nearly twelve-thirty, it doesn’t even feel like it’s been that long to be honest.

“Oh, alright then,” I simply said to the worker. “Thank you very much.”

I leave the sorting room and walk into the employee area, taking a seat at the empty table present in the room. I placed my bag on the floor and opened it to
grab my lunch out, as well as my planner.

“Thank you Tomoko,” I whispered to myself. “What would I do without you?”

I placed the box with my lunch on the table and opened it to reveal the Johtonese style bento style lunch prepared for me with some of the leftovers from last
night. Seriously, Tomoko is too kind for this world, she did not really need to do stuff like this. I need to repay her big time someday.

I flipped open my planner as I took my first bite of my lunch as I wrote some things down.

Things to do after first paycheck:
New bike helmet, full faced hopefully. Possible spare if you feel comfortable.
Multitool?
Gift or something for Tomoko.


I slap my chin with my pen, trying to think of what I wanted to buy and other stuff after my first paycheck. I knew there was one thing but I can’t put my finger on it.

Though I go and put one more thing on the list: personalizations for my bedroom.

I put my planner away for later so that I can continue the list if I think of anything else. I decided to take out my sketchbook in place of it, figuring it would pass the time while having lunch. Better than eating my lunch alone in silence.

I took another bite of my lunch as I pondered what to draw. I’m kinda tired of just doing drawings of a certain object and their surroundings like I do at my usual drawing spot. I decided to do a drawing of a human; it’s been awhile since I drew a human or any living being for that matter so I think. I can’t become better at drawing if I’m just drawing rocks all the time, and I'm really tired of drawing rocks.

Sketching humans is usually tricky for me since how different people can be and it’s always taken multiple sketches for me to accomplish one. For some reason, I decided to use Ari as a base, though how decent her drawing will come out since her appearance is not ingrained in my mind since I did just meet her this morning is up to fate.

I started with the basic face shapes, drawing a simple cross sign in order to get the shapes and positions right.

“Was her face more rounded or sharp?” I pondered aloud when sketching out the head, scratching my own with my pencil.

About several minutes into drawing, I felt a tap on my shoulder and immediately jumped in my seat. I really need to work on this.

“Jeez, you weren’t lying when you said you scare easily,” I heard a familiar voice say behind me.

I turned my head around to see Ari walking by me and taking the seat adjacent to me at the table I was sitting at.

“Mind if I join you?” Ari asked.

“Can’t stop you now, you’ve already sat down,” I replied. “But joking aside, that’s fine.”

Ari began having her lunch while I started to draw once more, now with her here I can use her as a model for the drawing.

“You draw, Cecilia?” I heard her ask.

“Yeah, a hobby of mine since elementary school,” I explained. “Helps me get my mind off of things.”

“What are you drawing right now?”

I slide over my sketchbook sheepishly over to her to show her while silently looking away from her.

“Why are you turning away like you're embarrassed for some reason? Do you think it is ba…” She stopped mid-sentence when she looked at the drawing. “Is this supposed to be me?”

All I can mutter out is a speaky voice-cracked; “Yes.”

“This is…”

Yeah, I know it’s bad, just come out and say it already. It’s not like I’ve already dealt with negative criticism my whole life. Just say it Ari.

“This is amazing Cecilia!!”

“Huh?” Was all that popped out of my mouth.

Is she just being kind to me, just because? Or is she actually being serious and does enjoy it? Despite technically drawing her without permission. I suck at reading people.

“You’re an amazing artist, you nearly got my face down perfectly for a rough sketch but, just, wow.”

“Thank you,” is all that I can muster with a slight blush.

Ari handed me back my sketchbook which I immediately put back into my bag. I don’t think I can draw again for today after what just happened.

“So that aside, how was the blind test earlier?” Ari asked.

“Oh,” I said, snapping back to reality. “Well, your uncle was a nice man. Honestly don't know what to say, it’s cool he’s a psychologist and it was awesome seeing a Gardevoir for the first time.”

“You’ve never seen one before?”

“Never heard of the species before today either,” I responded. “I mostly know Kanto and Johto Pokémon, with only bunches from the others, I don't know the exact number. My roommate blathers about a bunch all the time, but I forget half of them.”

“Eh, that’s what we kinda get for the region we live in.”

“I know.”

“Anyways, did he do that psycho-anyalsis on you?” Ari asked. “I never heard if he stopped since my Dad sent so many people his way?”

“Yeah, I was slightly thinking about that. But no, not intentionally as far as I know.”

Ari paused. Before realizing what I was talking about, she must have heard the same from Dr. Stacy as well.

“My Dad sent a few people there once because of problems no one would talk about,” Ari explained. “So he sent them to my Uncle Eugene to have them unintentionally reveal their problems but then once they figured it out they must have stopped it.”

“Could’ve he just asked?”

“I know that would be much simpler, but my Dad tried and failed but he pries way too much sometimes.”

“Your dad is like an enigma or something with how he tries to do stuff,” was all that I said.

“Yeah, he’s pretty weird,” Ari agreed.

We both laughed at our shared statements regarding her father, I pray that he’s not behind us or anything. There’s this nice joyful feeling growing within me now, I’ve never felt this way while working before. I’ve always felt some more somber feeling while I was working back at the mechanic’s shop. The feeling now, it’s so different from before.

“Hey,” Ari said after we calmed down from laughing. “How bout you join me in checking in on the collection boxes around the city? I can show more of what to do with the MDD like I promised and we can play a question game to get to know each other.”

“You do the collection runs?” I questioned. “And will your father be okay with me doing that?”

“Only the Phenac City ones, there’s usually not many, and Dad will probably be okay with it. Consider it a continuation of your training.”

“Oh, that makes a lot of sense actually,” I said. “Sure, I’ll take you up on your offer.”

“Sweet,” Ari said as she began to rise from her chair and did a quick stretch. “I just need to tell my Dad and grab the collection cart, then we will be on our way.”
 
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C4 time!

- The lobby of the center is still empty <- Present tense here where there shouldn't be? There's a few more instances of this, it alternates a lot throughout the fic.
- an; “Gah!” <- Semicolon shouldn't be there, also an gah???
- Hm, she's alternating between dad and father?
- Just scanned the barcode <- typo?
- Kek, that's quite the low opinion of Orre for a police commissioner, what he's been through or not.
- Well Cecilia is amused easily if she's making comments about sand coming to life just from the coloration of something.
- into the presume yard <- Typo.
- There's a few instances where there's no space between Mr. and the last name.
- Hoo boy, asking the delivery girl to come in? I don't think this is proper proceedure.
- Like the nuance that Orre is so rough that girls being armed with knives isn't so unusual.
- I suppose the contents of those rumors will remain a mystery for a while yet...
- And yeah I was about to ask, that went very smoothly. Barely a test.
- How do you get production from sorting anyway? Preparation I can get, though.
- You'd think they would keep a few just in case a test is needed, but nooooo. Presumably there's others, but they sent other guys on the ones that could be tests for Cecilia despite there evidently being other deliveries. What kind of minor mismanagement is that?
- just take the crate and put them in the crate <- Some serious crateception going on here.
- How's it take significantly longer to put the crates in the crates carefully rather than just throwing them in?
- Hm, have to wonder if Cecilia has a strong memory, if she can recall the facial features of someone she only briefly met and didn't have any particular attachment to and translate that into drawing so easily.
- Oh so the test now comes into perspective. That's a bit...interesting, if rude!!
- Being an enigma would certainly explain the test delivery thing.

Trudging along here after forever. Get introduced to a new character who seems she'll be of quite big importance. Have to wonder how this collection box trip is going to go, though. I expect at least a small adventure! At most everything hitting the fan. Hoping to find out the answer to that soon™!
 
My usual drawing coming here is to draw the new formation I’ve found, and then whatever’s behind it.
Beginning wording is weird. I get what it's trying to convey, but I think it can be better worded.
The base of Team Snagem this building once was, now since all of the Team Snagem members have been arrested or disappeared off the face of the planet; the building has been transformed into an apartment complex.
disappeared to keep the same tense as arrested.
To explain; Orre has a sorta ‘wild Pokémon drought’ if you want to call it that.
Perhaps you meant a colon instead of the semicolon?
Ever since the second Shadow Incident ended, the HQ Lab Tomoko works at is currently helping Duking make Orre more habitable and try to find why Orre is like this in the first place.
is is missing after the second Orre.
“Alright them,” was all I said.
them seems like a typo for then.
“Now starting off, you may not like this but I looked into your background,
looked instead of look.
“You worked as a mechanic for a long time at an auto shop called ‘Gideon’s Scrap Mechanics.
worked instead of work.
I heard the doorknob click and slowly open up. Revealing a man in a wheelchair.
I feel like these two sentences would be better as one, but I need to pick at this with the other part... Also, I think the door is missing before slowly open up.
I listened to what Mr.Stacy said and walked in while closing the door behind me as I entered.
as I entered is redundant and unnecessary, but i'm also picking this apart shortly...
I heard the doorknob click and slowly open up. Revealing a man in a wheelchair.
I listened to what Mr.Stacy said and walked in while closing the door behind me as I entered. I hear Mr. Stacy’s wheelchair roll away from the door, as I turn and follow it to a table not that far away.
Since I work with wheelchairs irl (and have some experience using them), my brain really needed to pick these bits apart. I'll start with what I first noticed: I hear Mr. Stacy’s wheelchair roll away from the door. While nothing ever says if he's in a manual wheelchair or a powered wheelchair, hearing a wheelchair roll away doesn't make sense to me, even if others read past it without a thought. Manual wheelchairs (propelled by the patient or a caretaker) don't really make any sounds besides the tyre squeaking from being the pivot point of a turn, or the brushing of the handrim through the grip of a hand while coming to a stop or slowing down. Power wheelchairs (propelled by electric motors) give a sort of whirring noise when the chair is moving, and also makes a light clunk sound when the motor removes slack in the gear connected to the motor's shaft (which is either from the motor spinning the opposite direction from before or from the wheelchair's inertia after the motor stops turning).

The next thing to bother me was that I couldn't discern what kind of wheelchair it was (manual or powered), along with what the entryway looked like. Rereading a table not that far away. later on (not that far away didn't register with me until after rereading a few times) gave me the impression that the entryway is more of a room than a hallway. Reading Revealing a man in a wheelchair. gave me the impression that Eugene was squarely facing Cecilia when the door is fully open, which contradicts (in my mind) the impression of the entryway being more of a room. The problem here is that Eugene would be off to the side a bit to open the door (and while it's opening) before wheeling over a bit to face Cecilia squarely. At least that's how I would approach opening the door in that situation. Though, if you were meaning for a hallway to be on the other side of the door, then Eugene would be wheeling backwards with one hand (holding the doorknob with the other) to open the door; doing so would reveal part of the wheelchair before Eugene is revealed. There's also the possibility of quickly pulling the door to let the door's momentum do the work while he quickly wheels backwards out of its way. Either way, he'd be at least three feet away from the door when the door's fully open (or opened enough, whatever), and depending on his personality, he either talks from there, or moves closer to the doorway to do so.

I highly suggest being more definitive of what Cecilia hears the wheelchair doing, at the very least, but I think a bit more details with the two lines would be even better. Turning I heard the doorknob click and slowly open up. Revealing a man in a wheelchair. into something like I heard the doorknob click and the door open up, which revealed a man in a wheelchair off to the side. He pushed his wheelchair to face me on the other side of the doorway. would show a bit more of what's there and what's going on. I listened to what Mr.Stacy said and walked in while closing the door behind me as I entered. might turn into something like I listened to what Mr. Stacy said while he wheeled backwards and I closed the door behind me as I entered. to follow suit and allow Cecilia space to step inside. I hear Mr. Stacy’s wheelchair roll away from the door, as I turn and follow it to a table not that far away. would become something like I hear a short squeak from Mr. Stacy's wheelchair as I turn to follow him to a table not that far away. to keep the sound. I'm assuming he's in a manual wheelchair, so these suggestions are of him in a manual wheelchair. If you were meaning the entryway to be more of a hallway, then he'd almost pivot around one tyre to bring it perpendicular with the hallway, then pivot around the other tyre to face down the hallway with his back to the door. I'd have to explain power wheelchairs a bit more before I can give movement examples, but I'll only do that if it's needed.
 
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Well god I suck at following up with reviews, but better late than ever I guess. Let me get this out of the way before getting the next chapter done cause seriously I should.

- The lobby of the center is still empty <- Present tense here where there shouldn't be? There's a few more instances of this, it alternates a lot throughout the fic.
I mean you know me, I can never get a handle on this.

- an; “Gah!” <- Semicolon shouldn't be there, also an gah???
Honestly, did not know what jumpscare word to use.

- Hoo boy, asking the delivery girl to come in? I don't think this is proper proceedure.
Well, he's a relative of the company management, I would think he believe he would get some leeway not to mention wheelchair bound it could just be easier for him all together.

- Like the nuance that Orre is so rough that girls being armed with knives isn't so unusual.
I think I was more going for dismissing any gender thing that holding a pocket knife would have, or implying that it is strange that people have a pocket knife in a world of living tombstones.

- How do you get production from sorting anyway? Preparation I can get, though.
What? You never had these moments before!? Getting one word to another either know they are not very related? Am I the only one to have something like this?

- How's it take significantly longer to put the crates in the crates carefully rather than just throwing them in?
I mean, you never been so meticulous in your organizing that it takes a lot longer than it should? Also I meant to imply that Cecilia was doing it for the bin for every place in Orre.


- Hm, have to wonder if Cecilia has a strong memory, if she can recall the facial features of someone she only briefly met and didn't have any particular attachment to and translate that into drawing so easily.
I kid you not and I'll let this slide as some info on future stuff, this is was foreshadowing that was completely unintentional but works for stuff I have planned waaay later but after reading this, this is being brought up in the next chapter as well.

Trudging along here after forever. Get introduced to a new character who seems she'll be of quite big importance. Have to wonder how this collection box trip is going to go, though. I expect at least a small adventure! At most everything hitting the fan. Hoping to find out the answer to that soon™!
Stop calling me out on my inability to get Chapters published!!!

@Nori Yours is mostly spelling errors except the wheelchair part. I am really grateful for the feedback and I will make sure in the future to use it in case of any further appearances of Eugene Stacy (which at least I plan on one more certain appearance of him). However I do feel since I am doing first person, Cecilia wouldn't know the full details of a wheelchair and is guessworking how to describe it altogether herself, not mention trying to focus of Mr. Stacy himself than the fact he is in the wheelchair. But once again, in future appearances of Mr. Stacy and whenever I go back to editing the hell out of these previous chapters I will fix that to make the wheelchair as accurate as possible.

But finally six months late, but I finally responded to each of your reviews. Hopefully I can get more chapters out soon and maybe I can respond faster to the next review I get.
 
Yours is mostly spelling errors except the wheelchair part. I am really grateful for the feedback and I will make sure in the future to use it in case of any further appearances of Eugene Stacy (which at least I plan on one more certain appearance of him). However I do feel since I am doing first person, Cecilia wouldn't know the full details of a wheelchair and is guessworking how to describe it altogether herself, not mention trying to focus of Mr. Stacy himself than the fact he is in the wheelchair. But once again, in future appearances of Mr. Stacy and whenever I go back to editing the hell out of these previous chapters I will fix that to make the wheelchair as accurate as possible.
If I remember correctly, it was mainly the vague noise of the wheelchair that bothered me and started blowing up in my mind from there. I guess the simplest fix with the info I overlooked (the first-person POV) would be to describe what the noise is or sound it out, which could be something like "Squeak. Mr. Stacy’s wheelchair rolled away from the door, and I turned to follow it to a table not that far away." so it doesn't increase the focus on him or his wheelchair; the sound could also be omitted. Anyway, you're welcome for the feedback, because my brain sure as hell wasn't goign to leave me alone if I didn't say something. XD
 
Hey Ryoma! This is part I of your Secret Santa review! I'd like to note that I've read the past few chapters as well in the distant past, and I've certainly skimmed through them to jog my memory on all this a little. I will say that it seems interesting that you're setting up a potential minor conflict with Cecilia and her previous work.

It's sort of hard to tell where it's coming from, but I do think that her past, with how often it's being mentioned, is going to find a way to catch up to her eventually somehow. With how often it comes up, that seems to be the only logical conclusion to be made.

I think overall there are a few mechanical things that you can probably take a look at, in terms of grammar. There were a few times where the punctuation was a little confusing. For example, "You draw Cecilia?" is a dialogue line that reads as if it is asking someone whether they draw a certain person a lot. You need a comma after 'draw' to indicate that you're addressing someone. "You draw, Cecilia?" Related to this, even if there's a comma at the end of a piece of dialogue or a question mark or exclamation point, you begin the next sentence with a lowercase if it's a dialogue tag or a sentence fragment that follows the line of dialogue. Only capitalize after dialogue if it isn't a dialogue tag and is a complete sentence.

What I'm hoping to see from chapter 5 onward is some rising action. Right now, I'm not really seeing much of that. It definitely needs to have some sense of conflict and not just some person going to do a job and deliveries. With four chapters of exposition, you're definitely able to do the rising action now. The stage is set! Let's see the core plot!

Anyway, thanks for the read, and hope this was helpful~
 
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