TEEN: Orre: The Desert.

[Ryoma Maser]

Heya Namo!! As always thanks for the review regardless of what brought you back to it. While a small review and not really much to comment on, I will say what I can about your comments.

I will say that it seems interesting that you're setting up a potential minor conflict with Cecilia and her previous work.

Quick confusion here for me, are you referring to work as in her job at her father's repair shop or her work in general? I'm going to say it is the former and I will just say while you might think it's minor, there's much joy in knowing what you people won't expect.

It's sort of hard to tell where it's coming from, but I do think that her past, with how often it's being mentioned, is going to find a way to catch up to her eventually somehow. With how often it comes up, that seems to be the only logical conclusion to be made.

Yeah, while I say Chapter 5 is a bit more exposition-ny, it's more about characters and I will be starting to go into more detail of Cecilia's past and some of her actions regarding said past.

I think overall there are a few mechanical things that you can probably take a look at, in terms of grammar. There were a few times where the punctuation was a little confusing.

Yeah really need to work on my grammar, it's probably always going to be a problem for me. Hopefully I can get past it but trying my best.

Related to this, even if there's a comma at the end of a piece of dialogue or a question mark or exclamation point, you begin the next sentence with a lowercase if it's a dialogue tag or a sentence fragment that follows the line of dialogue. Only capitalize after dialogue if it isn't a dialogue tag and is a complete sentence.

Legitimately did not know this was a thing, never got taught this in Creative Writing nor seen it to be frank, though I could've been subconsciously reading it like I write it.

What I'm hoping to see from chapter 5 onward is some rising action. Right now, I'm not really seeing much of that. It definitely needs to have some sense of conflict and not just some person going to do a job and deliveries. With four chapters of exposition, you're definitely able to do the rising action now. The stage is set! Let's see the core plot!

Yeah, hoping to get past some of that in Chapter 5 and 6 is where things will start moving on hopefully for me.

Anyways, once again thanks for the review and comments on the fic. Hope you'll come back once I stop procrastinating and get more chapters out as soon as I can!!

 

[Autofire]

Ok, I've only read the first couple of chapters so far, but I really like what I see! I'm a little rusty on my Pokemon Colosseum knowledge, but hopefully that'll be ok. (I've only watched some LP's.... maybe I'll play 'em one day, though.)

I also have always been really curious about the slice-of-life genre. This is sort of my first taste of it, in a way!

Anyway, uhh... on to things! Some of these might be redundant with what others have said, idk. I haven't read anything from chapter 3 on.

Chapter 1

The beast inside my hoverbike dies down as I put the bike to a stop, raising my goggles up, now only the quiet sounds of the Orre desert remain after it kills the sound from my bike.

...

The Orre desert’s wind kicks the sand all around, barely hitting my eyes. Each strike of the pencil being the only sound heard besides the beating sun and the gust of wind.

Ok, this is kinda silly to point out, but as a kid who grew up taking trips to the desert, this really takes me back. That's basically how it feels, and I love that you took a moment to contrast the noisy bike with the silence of the desert.

My usual drawing coming here is to draw the new formation I’ve found, and then whatever’s behind it. The only downside is that I have a lot of similar looking drawings.

‘usual drawing coming here’… I figure that’s to say she’s drawn to this place? With "draw" already being used here, I found that a little confusing.

Nice and short! Normally I'd question that, but... I think it does a good job of just being a really quick introduction to the character and the general kind of story we'll be getting.

Chapter 2

The long black hair that is my own, flew behind me. I should really invest into a new helmet after my last one broke, but the feeling of my hair going through the wind just feels so satisfying for some reason.

Wording on the first sentence feels a little odd? But I like that you’re introducing the detail of her hair here. IMO, the best descriptions are weaved into a character’s actions, and that’s exactly what you’re doing here.

Also… geez, kiddo, value your safety a little more. What if you crashed!? D:

Ok, joking aside, that's nice detail. It’s small, but I feel like it speaks volumes about her character. Maybe I value helmets than normal people, but…

I almost jumped right to the ceiling, I hate being surprised like that. Something that Tomoko should know by now!!

…

“Tomoko!!” I yelled. “How many times do I have to tell I hate being surprised like that!?”

Personally, I’d remove the first mention of Cecilia’s hate for being surprised. It’s something that comes through in her dialogue just afterward, so it feels a little redundant to have her think it initially. (Though then again, that does sorta make sense… she’d think something and then basically say what she thought.)

I already really like both of them, though. I think others have pointed out that not a lot is going on plotwise, but eh, that's fine, these chapters haven't been too long. I'm having fun getting to know these characters, and there's hints at a larger narrative. I appreciate that you haven't just dumped all of that on the reader at once.

I'll definitely be reading more!

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Hey AutoFire! Thank you for the review, while the review is short just from the first two chapters, which I need to go back and edit them; I'll see what I can say for your comments.

Ok, this is kinda silly to point out, but as a kid who grew up taking trips to the desert, this really takes me back. That's basically how it feels, and I love that you took a moment to contrast the noisy bike with the silence of the desert.

Wasn't expecting to capture that feeling altogether.

Wording on the first sentence feels a little odd? But I like that you’re introducing the detail of her hair here. IMO, the best descriptions are weaved into a character’s actions, and that’s exactly what you’re doing here.

Also… geez, kiddo, value your safety a little more. What if you crashed!? D:

Ok, joking aside, that's nice detail. It’s small, but I feel like it speaks volumes about her character. Maybe I value helmets than normal people, but…

Granted, I explained she worked at a mechanics shop basically her whole life later on, she knows the in and outs of how a hoverbike works and knows every safety call without an helmet. There's a part of Chapter 6 planned that goes further on this.

Personally, I’d remove the first mention of Cecilia’s hate for being surprised. It’s something that comes through in her dialogue just afterward, so it feels a little redundant to have her think it initially. (Though then again, that does sorta make sense… she’d think something and then basically say what she thought.)

One of the flaws of working in first person I guess, though I wouldn't guess it made sense as well.

I already really like both of them, though. I think others have pointed out that not a lot is going on plotwise, but eh, that's fine, these chapters haven't been too long. I'm having fun getting to know these characters, and there's hints at a larger narrative. I appreciate that you haven't just dumped all of that on the reader at once.

Glad you like both Cecilia and Tomoko! I'm really looking forward to exploring their relationship further and I'll probably do an interlude chapter at some point explaining how they met in full. Also glad that despite flaws of my work, you are enjoying everything. Thanks again for the review.

Quick update on the next chapter, close to being done, school's been keeping from writing but still I'm close to the end of that chapter.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Orre: The Desert
Chapter 5: Angelite Questions (Updated December 23rd, 2021)​

“Hey Dad,” Ari said.

I watched the dark-skinned girl lean into her father’s office while I waited around the side of the door where Mr. Dodds could not see.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going on today’s collection run and I’m bringing Cecilia with me.”

Ari grabbed my arm and dragged me into the frame of view of the door where her father could now see me.

“Ah uh, yeah I’m going with her,” I said in my awkward new position.

“Ah yes, good idea,” Mr. Dodds said. “All right, show her the ropes well, dear.”

Ari gave him a thumbs up and walked out of the door frame moving towards the exit of the sorting room while I sheepishly followed her. She grabbed a giant bin near the side of the exit door and dragged it out with her while I grabbed the back to help push it.

We left the sorting room and then the main exit and entrance of the building, where Ari brought the cart to the right of the door while we were exiting in front of some type of the container.

“This is our collection bin, there’s a total of four of them here around Phenac,” Ari explained. “The one here in front of the main building, the community center, the actual Post Office, and the Pokémon Center.”

Ari grabs out a MDD and squats down closer to the box while I follow suit, kneeling one one leg instead, in order to see better.

“See this silver circle in the middle?” Ari said while pointing to the center of the box. “This is the collection container's lock and key, by placing an MDD onto the center it acts as the key in order to open the box's door.”

Ari moved her hand with the MDD grasped in it as it magnetized towards the silver circle on the box’s door. The MDD’s screen fills and changes with numbers rapidly, with the numbers bringing in a pip-like sound. The numbers stopped and faded quickly, with another louder pip-like sound accompanying it and voila, the door was open.

“Pretty simple, right?” Ari asked. “Any questions?”

“How trickable are they?”

“Trickable? What do you mean?”

“How easy can the box’s system be fooled?” I asked. “All it takes is someone easily mimicking the MDD to break the lock.”

“I never even thought of that, though I imagine the MDD’s signal is hard to mimic,” Ari pondered. “I’ll bring up with my Dad. What brought up that type of question?”

“Curiosity more than anything,” I responded. “Though I was a mechanic, so we had to be extra careful with people’s vehicles, especially when they had to be left overnight. Probably that’s why it’s my first thought.”

“Makes sense, in a way I guess.”

Ari opened up the collection box’s door and took out a few packages and placed them into the bin behind us. Closing the door and removing the MDD from it.

“Okay, more than usual today, but moving on!”

The dark-skinned girl started moving down further right from the Delivery Center as she motions me to follow, which I did promptly pushing the cart.

“So, now while we walk down to our next stop,” Ari began again. “A question game to get to know each other!”

“And what brings this idea along?”

Ari pouts; “Are you no fun personified?”

“No, I hope not,” I awkwardly say. “I just haven’t done a question game like that since I was in, like, elementary school. Just wondering why you want to do it.”

“I actually want to do this. Just like doing these in general, something simple and to the point, if you get what I mean.”

“Sure.”

“Okay then! Rules, I have a coin flipper application on my M*DA, so whatever side we call lands decides who gets to start the round of questions,” Ari explained. “Since questions always follow more questions, I’ll set up a timer for about a few minutes so we don’t load up each other on them.”

I just simply nod.

“Good,” said Ari as she took out her M*DA. “Time to flip, what do you call?”

“Heads.”

“Alright.”

Ari clicked a button on her device and the sound effect of a coin echoed. Quickly after, we heard the sound of the digital coin landing.

“And it’s tails! So, I'll start!” Ari exclaimed as she pressed her phone again and placed it in her pocket. “I really want to know this, but how did you get my face done so well in your drawing, especially after only seeing my face so few times?”

“Oh, that,” I said. “I guess you can say I have a better memory than most which helped with the drawing. I don’t know if it’s a photographic one or something I gained overtime, maybe the latter with how I had to memorize all the shit my father taught me in specific ways but maybe not.”

“Is it possible that I can see some of your drawings other than the one of me?”

I stop myself and the cart for a brief moment to open my messenger bag and pull out my sketchbook again. I take a small breath and hand it to Ari who opens and starts to flip through. I begin to push the cart again.

“Why are there so many rocks?”

I laughed a bit; “There’s a small spot near some abandoned building a little off from Pyrite which is filled with nothing but rock formations, I usually go there to draw in peace and quiet. I just went the other day after your father gave me the job.”

“Wow,” I heard her say. “This drawing is beautiful, the woman and her Ninetales -- wait, does the Ninetales have white fur? -- the two of them are beautiful as well.. Who is this if I may ask?”

She showed a rare colored drawing to me despite automatically knowing who it was. It was Tomoko sitting on the ground reading a book with Hinata.

“That’s my roommate and my best friend, Tomoko Homura, next to her is Hinata. She’s from Johto and she works at the Pokémon HQ Lab. And yes, she is beautiful, I would never tell her this but I consider the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

Ari looked at me with some type of face I couldn’t figure out for the life of me, but she quickly changed her tune and asked; “How long have you known her?”

“About half a year now, I know it’s probably too soon to be calling her my best friend, but she’s been my first real friend in a long time and I don’t care.”

“Her name sounds so familiar, I think she was in the news at one point regarding the HQ Lab but I don’t remember exactly,” Ari pondered.

A ringing noise starting blaring from Ari’s pocket

“Ah it went off, next coin flip, what do you want to call?”

“Tails.”

I heard the Ari’s device go off as we continued walking.

“It’s tails again, so it's your turn. Take a couple seconds before I put on the timer.”

I pondered for a few seconds and then asked; “Are you a student? Or do you just work with your Dad?”

Ari clicks her device and turns on the timer.

“Yeah, I work part time at the center to help with my college funds. I’m a junior at Pyrite University with a major in Business and a minor in Communication,” Ari explained.

“What do you intend to do after graduating?”

“I’ve kinda wanted to start my own business, don’t know what I’ll do though. If not, probably find somewhere that would work or just continue at my old man’s company.”

“You sure you want to do that though?” I mumbled.

“Hey, what brought that type of question along?” Ari asked, seemingly ignoring what I said.

“Oh, I never got a chance to go to college so I was looking to see if I can get any ideas if I save up enough money.”

“I’m pretty sure there’s stuff to help you and plus I don’t think it’s too expensive. Pyrite’s bordering on free, Libra Memorial on the other hand. Your folks didn’t let you go?”

“My mother supported me, my father kinda did but he recommended I take a gap year to save up money and by the time I could send in stuff it was too late. I think he said that to make sure I couldn’t go so I had no choice but to become a mechanic like he was.”

“Oh,” was all that Ari said.

“Plus, I don’t know exactly what I want to do in life. All I know is that I don’t want to be a mechanic like my asshole of a father wanted me to be so badly.”

“I can understand not wanting to be one, but don’t mechanics make a lot of money here in Orre?”

“Oh loads,” I responded. “No matter how bad my old man was, he always made sure to pay me for what I did. Heck, I left with at least enough money to support myself for a while without the temp jobs I did. Though granted I minimized my spending best I could”

“Did you apply to become a mechanic elsewhere after you left?”

“I tried, but no one wanted to hire me because of the stigma my Dad left. Two of them just looked at my last name and said no without anything else.”

“Seriously? That’s not, I don’t even know what to say,” Ari said. “Fair? Ethical? Did you ever consider changing your last name?”

“I did,” I responded. “I wanted to change it to my mother’s surname, Lovelace, but I never got around to doing so. Plus, hasn't it been made to be real difficult to do it here in Orre recently?”

“Don’t ask me! Do you think I look up how often the law changes?”

“Fair.”

Once again, the timer goes off from Ari’s pocket. Thank the skies, I didn’t want to continue that line of questioning after it turned out to be that.

“Heads or tails for Round 3?”

“Tails again,” I responded.

I hear the faint sounds of the app's sound effects go off from the phone as we arrived and stopped at the Pokémon Center as Ari bent down and started to open up the collection bin in the process.

“Oh hey it’s heads, my turn!” She went off. “Oo, since you were a mechanic you must know all the good stuff. What do you drive? Hover car or bike?”

“A MAR-299 Garchomp hoverbike,” I answered without hesitation. “A custom build that includes a sidecar. Did it pretty much by myself back when I was a
mechanic full-time.”

“Wait!” Ari exclaimed as she set her MDD to the box. “Aren’t those models really rare? I’ve only seen photos online of it due to one of my Business major colleagues being interested in it. How did you get it?”

“Are they rare?” I said. “My model is just the shell of one, it was found in an old scrapyard we used to rummage for anything salvageable.”

“Lucky find, I guess.”

“The insides are taken from some of the newer models like a NVR-1717 Dusk -- didn’t someone give that to the shop, I forgot -- that obviously was due to the older parts not being in it and just not being up to the current ones.” I explained. “The sidecar addition was meticulous to add, but I did it somehow. I’m not
going to even try to explain that part.”

“Thank you,” Ari said. “Some of this is going over my head. How long did it take you to do it?”

“Let’s see,” I do some mental math in my head as I try to remember. “I think I was fourteen when I found it and finished it by my sixteenth birthday.”

“Wow, just wow,” Ari went. “I knew you worked as a mechanic long but not as long as I originally thought.”

“Even longer actually, but hey what do you drive?”

“Just a standard R.O.R.O.S. Sandskimmer hover car,” Ari said. “Kinda boring after what you just said. I’ll never be brave enough to drive a hoverbike, or do
something similar to what you did for your vehicle.”

I just laugh nervously as the timer of Ari’s M*DA went off.

Ari finished inside the Pokémon Centers collection bin and closed it up while rising. Signaling me to head up northward towards the center of Phenac with her arm, I push the cart in said direction.

“Round 4! You know the drill!”

“You decide this time.”

“Fine!” Ari exclaimed. “I call heads! Ah, phooey, tails you go again.”

Seriously, I can’t even think of another question. Wait, I just realized something.

“Oh!” I exclaimed aloud, mentally hitting myself. “How come I didn’t think of this question sooner!? Do you have any Pokémon?”

“Oh, yeah, wow,” Ari realized the same as well. “I have just one, a Mawile who was a rescue at a shelter named Citrine.”

“Ahh, Citrine is such a pretty name!”

“Yeah, the shelter named her such and I liked it so much we kept it. I believe it was a type of gemstone she was named after,” said Ari. “What about you in this department?”

“Oh, I have just one as well. A Noctowl I named Cole, he’s been with me since I was about nine or so as a Hoothoot.”

“A Noctowl?” Ari questioned. “A strange Pokémon to have to be honest, not many usually own a Noctowl and why is his name Cole?”

“All Coles everywhere will be insulted by that statement,” I joked. “I think I found the name in a storybook as a kid when I was at the library my mother works at. A book related to snow and snowmen, I think one of the characters was named that. I was just always fascinated by it as a kid, wanting to see snow. Still kinda a dream of mine, but I’m still here so my friend reflects that dream as well.”

“Such a nice experience it sounds like and it’s a good dream to have,” Ari said. “Was he given to you or did you adopt him from a shelter like I did with Citrine?”

“My mother adopted him for me as a birthday gift but he is from a shelter, in fact he was born at the shelter we got him from,” I explained. “His mother was brought into the shelter but sadly died shortly after laying his egg due to some complications, he hatched in the shelter and was raised there until my mother picked him up.”

“Daaaw, I feel bad for him. Is he with you by chance? I would like to meet him,” Ari asked. “Actually, now that I think about this, let me stop the timer for this cause I know we’ll go over this”

“Oh yeah,” I say while quickly stopping the cart. “I always bring him everywhere with me, it gives me reassurance like a friend is nearby in a way.”

“I don’t have Citrine with me today, I would love to do the same for you.”

“That’s fine, we’ll always get another chance.”

I opened up my messenger bag and quickly sorted through it, looking for Cole’s Pokéball. I bring it out of the bag; it looks a bit worn from age, with the red
paint looking a tad darker and chipped. I’ll need to get it refurbished or even replaced soon, another thing to add to the list of things after my first paycheck. I
activated the release function on the ball, which made it promptly open as the bird Pokémon flew out of it and onto my arm after I raised it.

“Cole, this is my new coworker Ari,” I said to him. “Ari, this is Cole.”

Cole raised his wing like it was a hand to be shaken. Ari responded in kind.

“Nice to meet you Cole,” Ari said before her face changed from what it looked like to one of joy to one of confusion. “Wait, is it just me? Or does he look a bit different from a normal Noctowl?”

“No,” I answered. “You’re not seeing anything, Cole, since he’s been here in Orre his whole life compared to most other Pokémon who’ve been imported to
here, his body ended up doing a little adapting to help him deal with some of the stuff here in Orre.”

Cole, unlike a normal Noctowl from their native Johto, is a bit more of a dusty brown color than the usual light to dark browns his species is. His horns are a bit more gray than the usual sandy yellow the horns are. His wings are really no different on the outside besides the color, but he can fly easier in sandstorms compared to other regular Pokémon outside, say a Skarmory. Outside visual differences and a stronger wingspan, Cole is really no different from a normal Noctowl, not even his typing is different like one would believe.

As I explained Cole’s difference to Ari, I noticed that her eyes seemingly just keep gleaming brighter and brighter. I didn’t even know people could be that excited that their eyes could burst out of their head.

“Oh my god!” Ari yelled. “You might have a one of a kind Orre native form, I’ve only heard about these happening in regions like Alola and Galar, I didn’t think it was possible to happen here!”

“I wouldn’t imagine Cole is the only one in Orre, actually I was thinking your uncle’s Gardevoir was one of them. But Cole is the only one that I personally know that’s adapted here.”

“Actually Kiara’s differences are the result of a disorder but I don't remember exactly, not an adaptation like your Noctowl,” Ari said. “Still, it’s so cool. I have never seen a regional variant in person before, and for one to be in Orre like this.”

“Cole, go stretch your wings for a while and meet us at the Community Center,” I said to the bird Pokémon as he flew off my arm. “I remember some researchers got interested in him, but having examined him they really couldn’t figure anything out and that was about it. Tomoko’s been nuts about studying him during her free time though.”

“Some researchers those people are,” Ari mumbled.

“It’s like you said though,” I echoed. “Regional variants or just normal adaptations haven’t been documented here. I don’t blame the researchers for not figuring anything out. If anything, Tomoko is more likely to figure something out but she’s more focused on ecology.”

We start moving again as we see Cole disappear from our realm of sight.

“I guess the researcher thing made sense,” Ari said. “Do you two battle by any chance?”

“No,” I bluntly say. “He knows a few moves for self-defense if necessary, I never been one for violence even if it is for sport. He’s been acting more as a messenger nowadays.”

“A messenger?”

“My mother and I exchange letters through our Pokémon, she never really liked digital messaging so we do old-style letters,” I explained. “Her Honchkrow, Swartz, does it most of the time, but Cole does it as well from time to time. Do you and Citrine battle? I know Mawile are liked for that type of role.”

“More or less the same as you, only self-defense,” Ari responded. “She has a permanent injury on her jaw braid that doesn’t let her fully use it for battling. I like watching battles though. I was upset when Phenac Stadium shut down and later turned into the community center. Now I can barely get into what’s left of
Pyrite Stadium and I could never get into Realgam’s for live battling or could get in there period. So I just watch online.”

“Well, it is one of, if not the only popular things to do here.”

“Yeah, true,” Ari said. “I like how you and Cole operate though.”

“Yep, it’s just been me and him for a long while until Tomoko and Hinata showed up,” I said. “Well, I guess you count now too.”

“Don’t count your eggs before it hatches,” Ari jokes. “But thanks for the thought… Actually here.”

Ari soon does an underhand throw to me and quickly throws her M*DA. I scrambled to keep it in my hands.

“Don’t throw your phone at me!”

“Put down your contact info in there and I’ll do the same in yours.”

Ari stops and goes in a position ready to catch something like I was going to throw it. Nope, not going to do it. I stop myself and the cart, gently walking over to her and placed my M*DA in her hand.

“Aw, lame.”

“Not spending the bucks to repair or replace it if it breaks,” I responded. “I have other things I need to buy.”

I slide Ari’s M*DA up as I typed out my info into her device as I watched her do the same with mine in the corner of my eye. Let’s see, number, blah blah, email, name and done. I pass the device back over to Ari as she completes mine.

“See, now we’re really friends!”

I smile faintly as I put my phone back in my pocket.

“Oh hey, another round of questions?” Ari asked, getting ready to use her program again.

“You go if you have one,” I responded. “I have no more I can think of.”

“Then I’ll make this the last one, is that okay?” Ari asked.

“Sure.”

Ari gave a quick smirk to me, seemingly already knowing the question she was going to ask. I probably should’ve not let her do this, but it's too late now.

“This is more for complete curiosity really. But are you dating at the moment? Or have you dated in the past?”

“No to the first,” I said. “And…uh, kinda a yes-no answer to the latter question.

“Really, no to the first,” Ari said perplexed. “With the way you talk about that Tomoko woman, no matter how briefly, it sounded like you two are dating.

The second Ari mentioned her thinking Tomoko and I were dating, my face flared to the brightest red possible.

“Me? Tomoko? D...D..Dating? I..mmean, of course I think she’s beautiful but us dating, that’s imimimpossible,” I stuttered throughout. “I mean why would she want to be with a plain looking girl like me? Who’s barely able to get a job no less. Tomoko is too kind to me and is the older sister I’ve never had, but I can’t see us dating.”

“Good lord, Cecilia,” she said. “You don’t have to get embarrassed about it. Not a lot of people don’t say people are the most beautiful they have ever seen if they at least don’t have some sort of crush on them.”

I laugh very nervously. Seriously, what is she saying? A crush on Tomoko? Why would she even want to be with me though if I did?. It’s….It’s a miracle we're even friends.

“Is this somewhat related to that yes-no you were talking about?”

I snapped back as we grew closer to the community center as I saw Cole in the distance, sitting on the collection bid. Do I want to tell her? It’s only been half a day since I've known her. I start rubbing my arm again like I did earlier with Dr. Stacy, tracing with my finger as well.

“Look, if I’m prying too much, you don’t have to answer,” Ari said as we made our stop at the community center. “I’m not like my father, he loves to pry. He must’ve been holding back real hard during the chat you two had when you showed up this morning to start asking about stuff.”

“It felt like he was going to ask about a certain something, but deflect it into something else.”

“Yep, that’s how he does it when he tries not to pry,” she said.

I laugh again, albeit less nervously and more, in relief I guess.

“Okay, it might be prying but I'll let you know,” I finally say. “Just promise not to tell Mr. Dodds or even Dr. Stacy, I rather tell them on my own terms. Though, it was never really a secret to begin with.”

“Cecilia, you sure? I’ll keep it a secret from my old man and uncle, but I’ve only known you half the day.”

“I thought the same, but you asked a question and I’ll answer it,” I said. “I think you’ve earned some trust and like I said it was really never a secret.”

I walk over to Cole on the collection box and bring him closer to me into a semi-hug as a reassurance.

“I’ve dated but at the same time I’ve not. There was a guy about my age, if a little older, who worked with me back at my father’s mechanics shop named Damien. Surprised he stayed so long, usually the younger workers often leave pretty quickly after dealing with my father. One time he asked me to hang out with him and I accepted. I had fun the first time so we kept doing it every so often,” I paused to catch my breath. “It felt great, just to do stuff out with someone since I didn’t have that many friends who invited me places, or really any for that matter. Even though I always thought he just felt bad for me working with my asshole father. But in actuality, to Damien, we were on dates and during our last hangout he went and tried to forcibly kiss me, thinking I felt the same, despite never once actually sounding interested in that way. I forced him off of me and ended whatever relationship we had. I haven’t seen him since leaving my dad’s workshop and have no desire to see Damien again. I’ve swore off dating until, until I feel ready ”

Ari just gave me a look of dumbstruck shock with her face as she was bending down to open the collection bin.

“Oh god, I feel so sorry for asking now!”

“Don’t be, please, just please.”

Ari gave a small pout like face from where I was looking.

“What happened after that?”

I sighed, remembering what happened after that. I pushed Cole a little deeper into my chest as he patted me with his wing.

“I went back to my dad’s place since I was staying there for the night and told him about what happened,” I began to explain. “But my father didn’t take it well, he really liked Damien for some reason and took his side. We had an argument that lasted hours, it was so bad the local police in Pyrite got involved. Finally, I just packed up what I kept there and left for my mother’s home in Gateon Port. I gave him so many second chances, defending that creep among other things that was said that night finally broke the Camprupt’s back.”

Ari stood up and closed the collection bin, from what I can tell with barely anything in there.

“Okay, Cecilia, you can stop, I don’t want to hear any more,” Ari said. “Can…Can I just give you a hug? You seem like someone who can really use one.”

I was at a loss for words. Actually no, I think I ended up with a cotton mouth from talking so much. I almost actually let out a giggle from that thought, it’s just a tad funny, but I stopped myself.

After a small bit, I ended up croaking; “Sure.”

Ari quickly got up and ran over, quickly hugged me. This is kinda awkward but comforting in a way. Hope this doesn’t begin a trend in my life or something.

“I might not have the full story,” Ari said into my ear in the midst of the hug. “But no one, no one should go through what you did.”

“Thank you,” was all I could say.

Ari let go of me from her hug but kept one hand on my shoulder.

“I know my father probably had it all laid out and probably my Uncle Euguene too, but if you want to talk about it, all of it. I’m open for it, hugs and all.”

“Thanks,” I say again. “Let’s move on and finish the run.”

“Yep, don’t want to take too long,” Ari said.

“Last one’s at the post office right? Debating to put Cole back in his Pokéball.”

“Yeah it is, keep him out! He can ride on the cart if he wants or can meet us there.”

The bird Pokémon quickly took off and started going ahead of us again towards the post office.

“Aw, man,” Ari lamented.

“Let him stretch his wings,” I said. “I know he’s cool to you but he doesn’t like all the fawning and stuff, he gets it a lot because of his adaptations and stuff.”

“I seriously do not have any respect for people’s boundaries today, do I?”

“Don’t get upset about it,” I pleaded.

“Still,” I heard her mumbled

We go in silence for a while as we make our way towards the post office’s collection bin. I have no clue what to say now. I hope I didn’t do anything to ruin the friendship we were somewhat building.

“I GOT IT!!” Ari suddenly exclaimed.

“Huh?” I say, I’m more surprised I didn’t jump at that. “You got what?”

“A nickname for you, I was trying to shorten your name but I had trouble doing so but I figured it out!”

“Huh, a nickname?”

“Yeah, like Ari for me from Arial,” she explained. “I was actually able to come up with two, but if you don’t want it that’s fine.”

“Let’s hear them first then decide.”

“I got Cel or Ciel, do you like either?”

“Where did you g--- Oh now I get it, I keep forgetting you kinda say a L in the beginning part of my name.”

“Yeah, verbally sounds like that sometimes.”

“Go with Ciel, I like Cel but I don’t think it works,” I say. “Plus if Tomoko hears, she’ll probably make non-stop anime jokes about it since she’s a big anime fan. I think there’s a name similar to it in one of the shows she watches, I forget which one though.”

“Okay, no offense,” Ari went. “That is a little bit funny.”

“Yeah, it kinda is,” I responded. “Ironically, I’ve gotten into those anime shows, so it's slightly even more funny.”

We both laugh, probably just for the hell of it. Ahh, I needed that.

“So Ciel it is, Ciel?”

“Yep, first time I’ve gotten one like this.”

“Woo!”


~~~

My first day at the company finished several hours later, around five-five thirty where I was punching out and taking my leave. I feel exhausted for some reason, even though I felt I didn’t do much today.

“Hey, Cecilia,” I hear.

I turn in the direction of the voice calling me, with Mr. Dodds waving towards me.

“How’d the first day go?” He asked.

“All right.”

“I heard you and Ari are getting along nicely,” Mr. Dodds said.

“Oh yeah, I kinda wasn’t expecting to make friends so quickly on the first day, not to mention someone so close in my age range.”

Mr. Dodds gave a big smile towards me.

“Hey, that’s good!” He said. “I think Ari is happy as well, she even gave you a nickname already.”

“And it’s only reserved for her at the moment, so don’t get any ideas.”

Mr. Dodds proceeded to give out a big hearty laugh. While I didn’t jump, it did freaked me out a bit.

“Don’t worry, I’m not one to use nicknames unless you prefer it.”

“Ah,” I just simply said.

“Anyways, getting used to everything here?”

“Yeah, I think so,” I say. “Just a lot to take in from all the various tasks and stuff.”

“I know, but once you get used to it, it just becomes a breeze,” Mr. Dodds explained.

I nodded, I knew what he meant. Same thing happened when I was a mechanic.

“Anyways, get going and get home safe. We’ll go over the next phase of your training next time. Have a good night.”

“Good night,” I say back.

Both Mr. Dodds and I walked away from each other, him back to his office I assumed while I went to the front exit. I rub my eyes before I start going through my bag looking for my hoverbike’s keys and my goggles, trying to distract myself from exhausted thoughts.

I exited through the same doors I’ve gone through many times already today, I have to remember to park in the employee lot next time and go through the back entrance. Kept forgetting there was one today, probably my nervousness from earlier. I walked past the main desk like I did many times today, where Ari was packing up for the day as well.

“Oh Ciel,” she said.

I simply waved, I really don’t know what to say anymore to anybody.

“Heading home?”

“Yeah.”

“Have a safe drive,” she said. “It’s been getting windier as of late and you live far right?”

“About a twenty to thirty-minute drive, not bad.”

“Still, be safe regardless.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Have a good evening, I’ll see you later.”

“Same to you,” Ari said. “It was nice to get to know you earlier and pleasure to be working with you.”

I walked out the building and into somewhat calm sandy slate-like streets of Phenac as I moved towards the city’s exit as I put my goggles on ahead of time.

As I trekked towards my bike, I felt my pocket starting to rumbling. I pull my M*DA out of it revealing the caller I.D on the screen to be Tomoko. I slid the
screen up and pressed the answer key.

“How do you always know exactly when to call?” I said as it went through.

“Magic!” Tomoko said. “How was your first day? Made any friends?”

“Are you seriously doing the mom bit again? Anyways, it went well, I made friends with my boss’ daughter Ari who works there.”

“Hey! That’s great! I assume the start of your training went well too.”

I paused not knowing what to say, before going, “It went well, I feel exhausted but I’ll explain more in detail later. Anyways, how did your day go? Did you certify that Pokéspot?”

Tomoko sighed; “No, it was a bust. We couldn’t even verify the rumor of Vullaby and Mandibuzz migrating over from Unova. That’s the third Pokéspot
expedition failure we’ve had recently. Professor Krane has taken it in stride, though his daughter Rina was oddly upset about it.”

“I mean, I would be as well when that’s been the lab’s main goal for seven years now. Didn’t you say you’ve only had about fifteen confirmed species or spots?”

“Around that number for the former, yeah,” Tomoko verified. “We didn’t get to view all of the mountainous area we surveyed, so there might be one there. But it got really windy today, so we had to turn back sooner than planned when we got to a certain spot.”

“I saw a news thing at an electronics store in the city today when walking in,” I said. “We might be getting a sandstorm soon.”

“A sandstorm?”

“Oh yeah, that hasn’t happened yet since you’ve gotten here,” I realized. “Yeah, it’s kinda our only weather here besides sunny skies and cloudy days.”

“Oh my,” I heard Tomoko groan.

“I’ll keep an eye on it, it might just be windy and nothing else.”

“True.”

“So hey, it’s my turn to cook tonight, any special requests?” I asked. “Just to cheer you up after today.”

“Cecilia, please you don’t have to do that.”

“Come on, you do so much for me,” I said. “It’s fair to do something for you now and again, or is that a crime?”

“Wow, you were right, Tomoko,” I heard someone say in the background. “She is a very kind person! You two sound exactly the same when talking about each other.”

“Rina!” Tomoko said in a scolding tone. “Don’t listen in on my calls! Sorry, I’m in the middle of leaving and Rina just came into my office to give me some papers before I leave. I must have the volume on my M*DA a bit higher than I thought, still ain’t used to these things.”

“It’s fine, your work is much more chaotic than mine, it was bound to happen,” I say. “Just, what have you been saying about me at the HQ Lab though?”

“Nothing bad I swear! Just how kind you are,” she hastily said. "How bout you decide for dinner? I have no preference, I like all that you cook.”

“There’s been a recipe I have been wanting to try out, so I’ll give that a try. How about that?”

“Sweet,” Tomoko said. “I’ll see you at home, I want all the details of your day.”

I laughed; “Okay, it’s going to be a doozy, I’ll see you later, bye!”

 

[System Error]

All right it's back, and so am I then. A new chapter, let's get to reading.

- In her awkward new position? How? Also that's what she said.
- There's a lot of line breaks where there shouldn't be in this chapter, too many to list all in one place.
- Sudden present tense happens as she grabs a giant bin.
- One too many ones, so she has one one leg.
- Cecilia suddenly thinking like a hacker.
- Slightly strange for Ari's real name to be brought up in one part here out of the blue.
- Already she's breaking the rules of her own game, she just keeps on asking questions.
- The phrase "despite automatically knowing who it was" is a bit confusing and out of plac.e
- Hmhmhm. A mild mystery involving Tomoko?
- You’re folks <- Typo
- You know in this slice of life fluffy take, I am not surprised they haven't thought to ask about each other's Pokemon, given they're barely ever brought up.
- Do like the touch of both Pokemon coming from shelters. It makes a lot of sense in Orre for that to be not uncommon.
- Interesting take that Poke Balls could get worn and touched up. It's sensible that they would. But now you have me thinking, custom paintjobs on Poke Balls.
- This section is a bit more rough on the proofreading side of things than most of this chapter. Missing commas, capitalization, etc.
- I dunno Ari, this seems closer to the Orange Islands adaptations.
- Some researchers. Makes me think they're incompetent.
- I notice she didn't actually say she didn't want to...
- And the reveal of why she doesn't date. Woof. But her father though, eesh. I'm already envisioning him as the type who wants heirs and/or that he knows what's (and who's) best for his daughter.
- You know it didn't occur to me that this is all in one day. I guess that's what happens when it's been like half a year.
- In the scene after, there's an unfinished quote and a line break after where she says "Why". It's not technically incorrect, but it looks awkward.
- Wow, so this guy just goes and does psychoanalyzing to unsuspecting postal workers? And Cecilia needing a therapist? Arguably maybe.
- M*DA has an astrisk suddenly, when it was without in the chapter before. Need that consistency...
- Well that's what Tomoko gets for having the line on speaker, people are bound to eavesdrop

Plot progression as it continues to trudge along slowly, gradually. Seems I'm not the only one who gets those sorts of vibes from Cecilia and Tomoko, heh! Ari is all right in my books. It was a different way to handle what's in-part an exposition chapter, framing it as a question game. Makes it seem a lot less forced, and sometimes? These kinds of chapters and scenes just have to happen. Looking forward to the next installment, whenever it may be!

That said, there's a lot of technical issues in this chapter. Should probably go over it again when you have time to squash them all, because there were too many to reasonably count myself.

 

[Nori]

Note that I didn't look through SE's post to see if there's something he covered that I noticed as well.

Ari gave him a thumbs up and walked out of the door frame moving towards the exit of the sorting room while I sheepishly followed her. She grabs a giant bin
near the side of the exit door and dragged it out with her while I grab the back to help push it.

We left the sorting room and then the main exit and entrance of the building, where Ari brought the cart to the right of the door while we were exiting in front of
some type of the container.

Tense problem fix: and drags it out with her. Also, was enter/return accidentally pressed partway through the sentences?

Ari grabs out a MDD and squats down closer to the box while I follow suit, kneeling one one leg instead, in order to see better.

"grabs out" sounds a bit weird, I'd recommend "takes out" or "grabs". Also: "a MDD" or "an MDD"?

“See this silver circle in the middle?” Ari said while pointing to the center of the box. “This is the collection container's lock and key, by placing an MDD onto the center it acts as the key in order to open the box's door.”

Perhaps This is the collection container's lock, by placing since the MDD is the key?

Ari opened up the collection box’s door and took out a few packages and placed them into the bin behind us. Closing the door and removing the MDD from it.

These two sentences can be combined to Ari opened up the collection box’s door, took out a few packages, placed them into the bin behind us, closed the door, and removed the MDD from it..

The dark-skinned girl started moving down further right from the Delivery Center as she motions me to follow, which I did promptly pushing the cart.

Comma between did and promptly. which I did, promptly pushing the cart.

Signaling me to head up northward towards the center of Phenac with her arm,
I push the cart in said direction. Now I think it was my turn to ask another question in this bizarre game.

Uh, I just noted the probable return/enter accidental press in this and it seems like it also happens throughout the chapter. Anyway, last sentence could be combined to something like: Signaling me to head up northward towards the center of Phenac with her arm, I push the cart in said direction, and I think it was my turn to ask another question in this bizarre game.

“Oh, yeah, wow,” Ari realizing the same as well. “I have just one, a Mawile who was a rescue from some thieves named Citrine.”

Either: I have just one, a Mawile, who was a rescue from some thieves, named Citrine. or “I have just one, a Mawile named Citrine, who was a rescue from some thieves." so that the reader doesn't think the thieves are named Citrine.

“Me? Tomoko? D...D..Dating? I..mmean, of course I think she’s beautiful but us dating, that’s imimimpossible,” I stuttered throughout. “I mean why would she
want to be with a plain looking girl like me? Who’s barely able to get a job no less. Tomoko is too kind to me and is the older sister I’ve never had but I can’t see us dating.”

Use hyphens for stuttering, im doesn't feel natural for stuttering impossible, double period after I (before mean being stuttered) doesn't really fit. D-D-Dating? I m-mean, of course I think she’s beautiful but us dating, that’s i-i-impossible,” Also, the dialogue tag can be skipped here.

“It’s fine, really, you got curious, it happens.”

I dunno what exactly you're after here, but some of those commas should be periods or hyphens.
My suggestion based on surrounding context: “It’s fine, really. You got curious, it happens.”
A little more emphasis: “It’s fine. Really. You got curious, it happens.”
Talking a little fast: “It’s fine- really. You got curious- it happens.”

“He actually never says, gave his general opinion on you as a whole but never goes into detail fully; I assume it’s some form of patient-doctor privilege in a way,” Mr. Dodds explained. “Though he did recommend you see a therapist.”

says should be said
I feel like something needs to be before gave... “He actually never said, and gave his general opinion or “He actually never said, he gave his general opinion or “He actually never said, just gave his general opinion or “He actually never said. Gave his general opinion
---
Anyway, might want to go back and fix those weird line breaks because there's more than the two I pointed out, and it kinda throws things off a bit when it happens.

because there were too many to reasonably count myself.

Or leave it to me to find some of them. I mean what?

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Hey I'm actually replying to one of your reviews in the same day! AND NOT SIX MONTHS LATER!! Let's a go!

- Already she's breaking the rules of her own game, she just keeps on asking questions.

I think I meant to imply questions ask in response to other questions don't count as their turn, but both sides probably didn't mind. I mean questions just lead to more questions.

- Hmhmhm. A mild mystery involving Tomoko?

Are you referring to Tomoko being in the paper at one point? I mean not that surprising that a ignored region gets an international researcher, why wouldn't that be all over the news?

- You know in this slice of life fluffy take, I am not surprised they haven't thought to ask about each other's Pokemon, given they're barely ever brought up.

Also that Orre doesn't have much Pokémon ignoring all the trainers from Colosseum and Gale of Darkness (even if Cipher is implied to be from outside the region), so it's likely to assume much aren't seen in daily life outside of battling.

- Do like the touch of both Pokemon coming from shelters. It makes a lot of sense in Orre for that to be not uncommon.

I kinda imagine since there was a Day Care in Agate there must be shelters as well, especially since it's region ripe of Pokémon thieves.

- Interesting take that Poke Balls could get worn and touched up. It's sensible that they would. But now you have me thinking, custom paintjobs on Poke Balls.

I mean, you can get refurbished tech in the real world, like a 3DS so it makes sense for a Pokéball. Also I said on the Discord asking questions regarding Cole, he's been with Cecilia for at least ten years, so that Pokéball is probably needing to be replaced. My IPad is also ten years old (it's a a first model IPad 2) and it finally hit the fan recently, so I know from experience.

- I dunno Ari, this seems closer to the Orange Islands adaptations.

I mean, Orange Islands doesn't exist in my Pokémon fic world. But this more close to a different breed of the animal (like probably not close, but compare a husky to a black lab dogs) in my opinion. This was actually inspired by how Misfit Angel and unrepentantauthor do variations of Pokémon (I remember a different breed of Skitty in Misfit's Land of the Roses and UA's Salem being a calico-like Purrloin).

- Some researchers. Makes me think they're incompetent.

I mean, like Ari said, it's not really happened in Orre. Which is why she believe it was a one of kind variant, researchers in Orre probably didn't even know what they were researching.

- I notice she didn't actually say she didn't want to...

I know what you're thinking. That is all.

- And the reveal of why she doesn't date. Woof. But her father though, eesh. I'm already envisioning him as the type who wants heirs and/or that he knows what's (and who's) best for his daughter.

Oh, I can't wait to introduce more of this conflict.

- You know it didn't occur to me that this is all in one day. I guess that's what happens when it's been like half a year.

*Unintelligible noises about Ryoma's writing and upload history.*

- Wow, so this guy just goes and does psychoanalyzing to unsuspecting postal workers? And Cecilia needing a therapist? Arguably maybe.

Actually fun fact, according to my former Psychology professor, psychologists actually end up psychoanalyzing people subconsciously when not meaning to since it basically becomes second nature to them. She mentioned she did this towards shows she watches all the time. Though in this case it was done purposely, this probably happens more to Dr. Stacy more than you think.

- M*DA has an astrisk suddenly, when it was without in the chapter before. Need that consistency...

Huh, thought I put one there previously to go in line with the P*DA in Colosseum and Gale of Darkness, need to go back and fix that.

- Well that's what Tomoko gets for having the line on speaker, people are bound to eavesdrop

I actually didn't meant to have Tomoko on speaker at the end there, sometimes people hear your calls despite not being on speaker.

Plot progression as it continues to trudge along slowly, gradually. Seems I'm not the only one who gets those sorts of vibes from Cecilia and Tomoko, heh! Ari is all right in my books. It was a different way to handle what's in-part an exposition chapter, framing it as a question game. Makes it seem a lot less forced, and sometimes? These kinds of chapters and scenes just have to happen. Looking forward to the next installment, whenever it may be!

At least you enjoy the way I did this chapter, I really wanted to give more information out and I thought it work, hopefully have more going in the next chapter. I'll give a hint that we're going to a brand new location next time. Also again, STOP CALLING ME OUT ON MY UPLOAD STREAK!!!

@Nori Okay, hilariously enough you posted this as I was working on the reply to SE's review. But really nothing to say on it since most of it is just fixing my terrible grammar, so thanks for that really. I'll make sure to fix everything soon as I can with your suggestions! Regardless of pointing out my errors I hope you've been enjoying the fic as well!

 

[Nori]

Okay, hilariously enough you posted this as I was working on the reply to SE's review. But really nothing to say on it since most of it is just fixing my terrible grammar, so thanks for that really. I'll make sure to fix everything soon as I can with your suggestions! Regardless of pointing out my errors I hope you've been enjoying the fic as well!

I mean, it's not like it's new for me, since my last "review" was pretty similar. X)

 

[OrionTheAbsol]

Alright, Ryoma. Let's see what you got.

Chapter 1: Sands and Wind

• Well, found something already! So, I'm not a fan of "ran loudly." It's a given that a motor would "run loudly", so I want to suggest a stronger verb to give a more vivid picture.
  • buzzed
  • howled
  • hummed
  • roared
  • screeched
  • thundered
  • trilled
  • vibrated
  • wailed
• I noticed you alternate between present and past tenses for your verbs. Make sure you pick one dominant tense and stick with it. It seems like you're more of a fan of the present tense, so why not stick with that?
• The beast inside my hoverbike dies down as I put the bike to a stop, raising my goggles up, now only the quiet sounds of the Orre desert remain after it kills the sound from my bike.
  • This sentence runs on for quite a bit and ends up sounding redundant. You mentioned "bike" three times in the same sentence. You can probably cut it down and break up the sentences, to something like this:
    • The beast inside my hoverbike died down as I put it to a stop. I raised my goggles up. I could only hear a gentle wind blowing through the desert.
• The desert’s beating sky rains upon me
  • I'm confused by the wording. Is it literally raining there or are we referring to the sun's heat?
• Each strike of the pencil being the only sound heard besides the beating sun and the gust of wind.
  • This is a decent sentence as it paints a vivid picture of your environment. Though I'm not sure how a "beating sun" would make noise. You also already mentioned a "beating sky" and the wind earlier too. You don't want to use the same details multiple times at the risk of sounding repetitive.
• I’ve been unable to come here as of late, today was my first time in awhile, a celebration of finally finding a job.
  • Another run-on sentence. You can replace the first comma with a period.
• Out of curiosity, why are you using semicolons instead of commas before you use quotation marks?
• I sat down properly onto my hoverbike, kicking on the motor of the bike, the sound of the engine engulfing the empty desert once more, lowering my goggles over my eyes, I began to ride off.
  • Another run-on. You can probably rephrase it to something like this: I sat down properly onto my hoverbike and kicked on the motor. The roar of the engine engulfed the empty desert once more. I lowered my goggle over my eyes and began to ride off.
• Overall, I noticed there were quite a few run-on sentences and repetitive details. With that said, I'm curious as to what past events Cecilia went through. Since it's job-related, I'm guessing she has issues with money?

Chapter 2: Hideaway

• The long black hair that is my own, flew behind me.
  • This is unnecessarily wordy. You can convey the same information with: My long black hair flew behind me.
• The base of Team Snagem this building once was, now since all of the Team Snagem members have been arrested or disappear off the face of the planet; the building has been transformed into an apartment complex.
  • Also wordy, and a run-on. Could revise to: This place was once the building of Team Snagem. And since its members were arrested or had disappeared off the face of the planet, the building was transformed into an apartment complex.
• Most of the people who live here just come to hide from their past lives, or really have nowhere else to go; the name somehow fits.
  • Odd usage of a semicolon. Can replace with a period instead.
• I wave Mr.Longfellow goodbye with the thank you gesture, as I move up the stairs to the higher floors until I reach the third floor where the apartment that my roommate and I share is present.
  • Run-on and very wordy. I also don't know what a 'thank you gesture' is in this context, so I'll leave it out in this example: I waved Mr. Longfellow goodbye. I scaled up the stairs until I reached the third floor, up to the apartment where my roommate and I shared.
• Gonna have to cut this short so I'll sum up my thoughts for this chapter. Okay, so the apartment complex used to be the Team Snagem base. I wonder if there's any sort of consequence to that. Tomoko seems nice. I wonder if she's the one who pushed Cecilia into getting a job to help pay rent maybe.

I'll stop here for now as my time today is short and some of the issues I found later are similar. So overall, I found some repeated details and phrases, mostly to do with what Cecilia's bike does and Orre's wind. If you already mentioned something, you don't have to repeat it. If you feel the need to bring more details to your environment, remember the five senses: hearing, touch, sight, smell and taste. Even something silly like Cecilia tasting the grains of sand blowing in the wind would invoke an interesting picture.

Also, quite a few run-on sentences. I can't point them all out, but I can say I didn't see an instance where a semicolon is necessary. You can probably replace all of those with either a period or a comma, depending on the sentence structure. Also check for anything with commas. If it looks like the first clause would end just fine with a period, go ahead and replace that comma with a period.

I'll read some more another time. Keep up the good work!

 

[OrionTheAbsol]

Alright, time to finish this.

Chapter 3: Fresh Start

• For some unknown reason, Orre is very inhabitable to wild Pokémon.
  • Don't you mean uninhabitable?
• I want to know what these "horrible and strict" expectations were from before. At this point, we don't know much about Cecilia and I'm hoping we'll see something about her past very soon.
• “Swear it gets brighter and brighter everyday,” a mumble comes from my mouth.
  • Awkward wording. Would've been okay if it was just I mumbled.
• Where did Cecilia get the money for a customized hoverbike? Did someone else buy it for her or did she save money from a previous job?
  • Oh, okay. I guess she built it on her on because of her previous job. Makes sense.
• A former Cipher admin out of prison. Surely, Cecilia won't have a run-in with him?
• Oh hey, it's Wes! And he's a commissioner. Good for him!
• “Alright them,” was all I said.
• I mean, while it's standard practice for employers to look into a prospective worker's past experience, kinda seems like Mr. Dodds pried a little more than what he actually needed to know.
• Wait, so we've been building up to a past argument with her dad regarding Cecilia's past? I'm a bit disappointed. I was expecting something more scandalous, like having worked for Cipher or something. I guess an overbearing parent would count as "horrible and strict."
• This chapter is a noticeable improvement over your previous ones. However, I would still like to note that there are still some inconsistent tenses. Some sentences can be unnecessarily verbose. I've been waiting for the plot to pick up from the past couple of chapters. So far, I don't really find Cecilia and the other characters that interesting and I'm hoping that changes soon. And we got a couple of plot threads: Cecilia's first delivery and the whereabouts of Dakim.

Chapter 4: Lay of the Land

• This is a bit hard for me to describe, but the first several paragraphs illustrate why I feel like the first person point of view is dragging down the writing. Ex: The lobby of the center is still empty except for Ari who I pass by, but don’t acknowledge due to being engrossed in thought.
  • This sentence doesn't work because it implies that Cecilia did, in fact, acknowledge that Ari is there. I understand that she didn't show it, but she already knows that Ari is there. So Ari somehow catching Cecilia by surprise just seems illogical, silly and pointless.
  • Though if you insist on sticking with first person, I suggest rewording that sentence so that Ari wasn't mentioned at all. Then the dialogue that follows after would make more sense.
• “Cecilia!” A voice which I had been ignoring had emerged in front of me in the form of Ari.
  • Awkward wording. Could be something like: Ari suddenly emerged in front of me.
• My obvious reaction was a jump followed by an; “Gah!”
  • This is just unnecessarily wordy. If you put "Gah!" by itself, it'll work better.
• So wait, does Wes also write the laws of the region? I thought he's just a police commissioner. Kinda feels like the dude is overstepping his boundaries.
• On the topic of dialogue tags, you don't always have to use them just as long as you clarify who's speaking. Example:
  • “Um,” I awkwardly say. “Eugene Stacy, I presume?”
  • “Yep, that’s me! You must be Ms. Matthews then. Adam said you were coming.”
  • “Said I was coming? Are you part of the company?”
  • “No, but Adam is my brother-in-law."
• Um, Cecilia? Why are you going into some random stranger's home? Cecilia, I don't think that's a good idea! Cecilia! Hey!
• I listened to what Mr.Stacy said and walked in while closing the door behind me as I entered.
  • It's already implied that she listened to Mr. Stacy when she walked in. You can cut this part out entirely.
• I noticed that you used "simply said" quite a few times. "Simply" adds nothing to the dialogue tag, so you can leave it out. Just "said" is fine.
• And Mr. Stacy knows a thing or two about Cecilia's personal life too. Who are these people and why are they sticking their noses in her business?
• I started sorting the packages as Mr. Dodds told me to do so
  • Yes, we already know he told her to do that.
• Seriously Tomoko is too kind for this world, she did not really need to stuff like this.
• lol, jeepers. What's next? Jinkies?
• “You draw Cecilia?” I heard her asked.
  • Correction: "You draw, Cecilia?" she asked.
• Yeah, I know it’s bad, just come out and say it already. It’s not like I’ve already dealt with negative criticism my whole life. Just say it Ari.
  • Alright, now we're getting somewhere! Something to show her past trauma regarding her overbearing father. Well done.
• Okay, it really bugs me that Mr. Dodds went through so much trouble just to perform a background check on Cecilia. Including hiring his brother-in-law just to check how Cecilia would react in her first job. Really pushing it, lol. I'd leave this job if the employer went through that much trouble for me.

Chapter 5: Angelite Questions

• “Hey Dad,” Ari said as I watched the dark-skinned girl lean into her father’s office while I waited around the side of the door where Mr. Dodds could not see.
  • Run-on sentence. Might want to place a period after 'said', then turn the second clause into its own sentence.
• Ari grabbed my arm and dragged me into the frame of view of the door to show myself her father.
  • Awkward wording. Could change to "where her father could see me."
• I said in my awkward new position.
  • Hehehehehehe,,,,
• “All right, show her the ropes well, dear.”
• Why is Cecilia concerned with the lock being breached without a MDD?
• Seconds after stating the rules of the question game, Ari already breaks them, lol. Four questions in a row.
• Can't say I find the ladies' conversation all that riveting. I know this is a slice of life story, but the mundane questions and answers are killing me. When is the plot going to rear its head?
• “A messenger? What do you mean by that?”
  • Exactly what she said, dummy.
• Quite the reaction there, Cecilia. Your little crush on Tomoko is not exactly subtle, isn't it?
• Once again, Cecilia decided to keep her trap shut about her father. At this point, I'm not even sure if her relationship with her father was that interesting to begin with.
• “I’m really sorry for prying further than I should.”
  • Yeah, it's not like your dad and uncle did the same exact thing either, on your coworker's first day at work. That would be just silly.
• “Hey, Cecilia,” I hear.
  • "I hear" is not a dialogue tag. In fact, you can probably erase it without replacing it with anything and it'll work better.
• That’s a strange way to induct your new employee into the business. Is that even allowed, like legally?
  • Could be legal, maybe. Unorthodox and uncomfortable? Yes.
• Okay, so based on the psychologist's recommendation, Cecilia should go see a therapist. But I don't understand is what this actually has anything to do with her job as a delivery person. This 'test' is making less sense by the minute. It feels like the company just chose to intrude onto other people's lives.
• The saccharine nature of Cecilia's relationship with Tomoko is starting to wear on me.

Alright, so I reached the end for the time being. Gonna sum up thoughts thus far. And I'm feeling rather blunt today, so prepare yourself. I mean it.

First, tenses. Pick one please and stick with it.

Another thing is the verbosity of some of your sentences. Whether it's a run-on sentence, too many details or awkward wording, it feels like there's a lot of unnecessary fluff to go through. It's bad enough to the point where you're either repeating some of the same information a couple paragraphs later or stating the obvious. Try to keep your sentences short, clear and simple. Please don't try to experiment with syntax either. Something like (The long black hair that is my own, flew behind me.) doesn't sound that good when you read it out loud.

Finally, sorry to say but I'm just not invested in what's going on in the story. The slow pacing, the uninteresting character interactions and the lack of plot progression made it feel like a slog for me. To summarize everything, this is what I got out of the chapters.

Chapter 1 - Cecilia likes drawing. She got the job she applied for.
Chapter 2 - Cecilia lives in an apartment, which used to be Team Snagem's base. Her roommate is a scientist named Tomoko.
Chapter 3 - Tomoko is a good cook. Cecilia works for the Phenac Delivery Service Company. A former Cipher admin (Dakim) escaped. Wes from Colosseum is a police commissioner. Adam Dodds is Cecilia's boss.
Chapter 4 - Cecilia drops a package for Eugene Stacy, who turns out to be a psychologist testing her for some odd reason. We don't actually see what's in the package. Cecilia becomes friends with her boss's daughter Arial.
Chapter 5 - Ari is talkative and pries too much. Cecilia may have a crush on her roommate. Apparently, Cecilia needs to go see a therapist.

So we got plot bunnies in the form of Dakim's prison escape, Cecilia's past relationship with her father, Pokémon migration into the region, the employees of Phenac Delivery Service Co. invading their prospective hires' privacy, and Cecilia needing to go see a therapist (probably connected to her father). But what do you plan to do with these ideas? Are we getting a followup to them (soon, hopefully)?

Cecilia currently lacks a meaningful conflict in the story (we've been teased her past trauma with her father, but no real followup yet). Without one, I can't relate to her or sympathize with her issues. I need to know why she decided to leave her father and why she's trying to start over with the Phenac Delivery Service. What is currently driving her behavior and actions? At the moment, I have no reason to care about what's going on with her life.

All the characters sound same-y. They're too nice and polite (perfect even, with no noticeable flaws to speak of). Not to sound rude, but... they're just boring. There ought to be more to their personalities aside from being nice all the time, especially concerning the main cast.

Maybe Cecilia has a bad habit in jumping to conclusions or lash out at people. Maybe Tomoko has a sassy and mean-spirited side to her. Maybe Mr. Dodds has a stoic and intimidating presence to him, sort of like Professor Rowan, but is actually well-meaning. Maybe Ari has a bad habit of sticking her nose into other people's business and is quite the blabbermouth.

Another thing you can try is to elaborate on their body language. Maybe each character has a distinct way of moving and talking, which adds another layer of depth to their personalities. A shy/angry/fearful person tends to not look people in the eye when being talked to. A happy/serious/arrogant person tends to be the opposite. Some people chew on their nails, pick their skin or get lost in thought easily. A sloppy and disorganized person may keep a dirty workstation. A stressed coworker may choose not to speak to their other coworkers, probably due to being overwhelmed by their work. A nervous or excited person may stutter a lot.

As for character interactions, you might want to cut down on the characters gushing at each other and the company employees explaining protocol (or how the job is done). If possible, just cut to the chase. You'd have to think about whether your dialogue does one or both of two things:

1) Move the plot development forward.
2) Move character development forward.

If your dialogue doesn't do either one of these things, you might want to consider just cutting it short so you can get to the more important and interesting bits of your story. I don't really care about the specifics on how Cecilia does her job. Rather, I'm more interested in knowing what kind of packages she delivers. And to whom. Seeing how this is the Orre region, there's good potential that she may end up getting roped into a "wrong time, wrong place" situation.

Anyways, I hope this feedback helps out. It's been a while since I've been more critical, so I apologize if this post comes across as offensive, which is not my intent. My intent is to offer another perspective and to see if it'll give you new ideas to experiment with.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Ah the dreaded @OrionTheAbsol review. It is time to finally respond to my most critical of reviews. Insert sweating gif from Airplane here.


Chapter 1: Sands and Wind

• I noticed you alternate between present and past tenses for your verbs. Make sure you pick one dominant tense and stick with it. It seems like you're more of a fan of the present tense, so why not stick with that?

Tense swapping is always been a problem of mine if you read the other reviews by chance after you were done doing yours. I'm trying to go with present tense but grammar checks or my personal subconscious make it more past tense, so I end up swapping the two a lot. I need to fix it.

• The desert’s beating sky rains upon me
  • I'm confused by the wording. Is it literally raining there or are we referring to the sun's heat?

Sun's heat. I might need to change this when I eventually go back and fix these first five chapters. Will probably fix the chapters after I finish Ch.6.

• Out of curiosity, why are you using semicolons instead of commas before you use quotation marks?

Like I stated in summary post, I originally started writing this in a creative writing class as a free write with no original ties to Pokémon until I realized I could use this for Pokémon when I could relate this Orre which was a region I wanted to work with and couldn't go anywhere with another fic I was working on at the time. Why am I bringing this here now of all times? Well, I was using what I learned and started putting semicolons in my stuff more often so sometimes when I felt a sentence gone on to long before or after a sentence so I added a semicolon cause I often felt in may have been better than either a comma or period. I'm still surprise according to Beth's review a while back that I got most of them correct.

• Overall, I noticed there were quite a few run-on sentences and repetitive details. With that said, I'm curious as to what past events Cecilia went through. Since it's job-related, I'm guessing she has issues with money?

Ironically, thanks to her past job as a mechanic in a region where hover vehicles are the main form are transport instead of by foot or transport she's a bit more loaded than you would think. This is why I state in Chapter 3 where Mr. Dodds says while he understands any motive, he was confuse why didn't she continue being a mechanic even after leaving her old job. However, money is not unlimited and Cecilia knows this. While not stated yet, when Cecilia did leave her old job she was looking for both a job and an apartment at the same time (I think after Chapter 6 or at least real soon I'll do a flashback interlude or something explaining this) she was looking for a job first but when Tomoko's roommate ad showed up it was too good to refuse which is why she jobless but shares an apartment with Tomoko since she saved so much from the mechanic job (undetermined at this point, but if I were to decide now; I'll say a real world equivalent of about $20k to $25k U.S. dollars (Mechanics make a lot per-hour like $21 dollars per hour) which she is also minimizing purchases to the best of her abilities on except for rent and necessities).

Chapter 2: Hideaway
Nothing here except two things to comment on. I gotta extend these chapters when I go back and redo them.

Run-on and very wordy. I also don't know what a 'thank you gesture' is in this context,

Seriously, does no one know what this is? Have I imagine the name my whole life? It's like when you're driving or on the sidewalk when someone lets you pass and you just wave to them to say thank you.

Okay, so the apartment complex used to be the Team Snagem base. I wonder if there's any sort of consequence to that. Tomoko seems nice. I wonder if she's the one who pushed Cecilia into getting a job to help pay rent maybe.

This was probably one my favorite, I guess updates (I don't know what word to use), I gave to the region. I was trying to figure out where to have her live when the idea just cross me when writing it for the first time; "Where to have her liv..Wait what if?" There's still more I need to do with the place, but I know who is the owner and for lack of a better word, creator of the new version of the building and their reasoning for owning and turning it into what it is now.



Chapter 3: Fresh Start

• For some unknown reason, Orre is very inhabitable to wild Pokémon.
  • Don't you mean uninhabitable?

How did I not notice this? How did the reviews not notice this!? How did Beth not notice this!?!?

• Where did Cecilia get the money for a customized hoverbike? Did someone else buy it for her or did she save money from a previous job?
  • Oh, okay. I guess she built it on her on because of her previous job. Makes sense.

I like how you ask this and got corrected soon after but no questions where Wes got the money for a floating engine in his hoverbike.

• A former Cipher admin out of prison. Surely, Cecilia won't have a run-in with him?

Well, back in prison more like it, he was found and returned to prison. There's something I tease regarding Cipher that no one has spotted unless I point it out so I'll be quiet and I have plans for two of the Cipher admins (though one isn't fully planned yet since I'm unsure if I want to do it), some Snagnem members and some for a few minor named members of Cipher.

• Oh hey, it's Wes! And he's a commissioner. Good for him!

I think you mean the commissioner. He leads every police force in Orre despite his age and past however I will explain this whenever I fully introduced him outside of a TV.

• Wait, so we've been building up to a past argument with her dad regarding Cecilia's past? I'm a bit disappointed. I was expecting something more scandalous, like having worked for Cipher or something. I guess an overbearing parent would count as "horrible and strict.

I think I intended for it to be more dubious and Cecilia is not telling the full story then simply an argument, it's just this was the straw that broke the camel (or in this case Numel's? Camerupt's?) back after one too many chances from Cecilia. I'll try to convey it better come my rewrites and later chapters.

• This chapter is a noticeable improvement over your previous ones. However, I would still like to note that there are still some inconsistent tenses. Some sentences can be unnecessarily verbose. I've been waiting for the plot to pick up from the past couple of chapters. So far, I don't really find Cecilia and the other characters that interesting and I'm hoping that changes soon. And we got a couple of plot threads: Cecilia's first delivery and the whereabouts of Dakim.

Again for the last part regarding Dakim, he did end back up in prison so he was caught. The better question is how he'd escape and did Ardos help him which is what Ancha is asking.

Chapter 4: Lay of the Land

• So wait, does Wes also write the laws of the region? I thought he's just a police commissioner. Kinda feels like the dude is overstepping his boundaries.

Well, I think I should've worded it better. But I guess I should change it while he is a police commissioner he consulted to help set up regulations due to the criminal underbelly of Orre and personally knowing it thanks to time in Snagem.

• Um, Cecilia? Why are you going into some random stranger's home? Cecilia, I don't think that's a good idea! Cecilia! Hey!

Is it really that bad? He's handicapped and he's technically a part of the company so I thought it would be fine. I guess that's another change I need to make.

• lol, jeepers. What's next? Jinkies?

ZOINKS! When I see this I can only think of this.

Spoiler

where's the caveman?

I didn't make this, Orpheusftw did. Subscribe to him instead of me, thanks.original video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsUsURAj0y0I probably found this in...

youtu.be

Chapter 5: Angelite Questions

• I said in my awkward new position.
  • Hehehehehehe,,,,

What's so funny about this? I can't really tell.

• Why is Cecilia concerned with the lock being breached without a MDD?

Curiosity you could say. Also she worked in the part of the automobile industry where you're taking care of someone else's property, so knowing everything is safe is most likely a major concern.

• Seconds after stating the rules of the question game, Ari already breaks them, lol. Four questions in a row.

Did everyone miss "questions following other questions don't count"? Questions always lead to more questions. I guess that's another fix I need to make when I rewrite these things.

• Quite the reaction there, Cecilia. Your little crush on Tomoko is not exactly subtle, isn't it?

Cecilia: "Crush!? What do you mean by crush? Tomoko is a lovely person but the only person ever interested in me was an asshole I should've stabbed instead of simply pushing him and running away, I'm no good for her. Why does everyone think we're dating for some reason or we have a crush on each other? You never see two people sing praise about each other without being in love?"

• That’s a strange way to induct your new employee into the business. Is that even allowed, like legally?
  • Could be legal, maybe. Unorthodox and uncomfortable? Yes.
• Okay, so based on the psychologist's recommendation, Cecilia should go see a therapist. But I don't understand is what this actually has anything to do with her job as a delivery person. This 'test' is making less sense by the minute. It feels like the company just chose to intrude onto other people's lives.

I think this is another change I need to do when I get to rewriting these parts. I'll need to somehow make this come off better and not super prying.

• The saccharine nature of Cecilia's relationship with Tomoko is starting to wear on me.

I guess I'll need to explain why their relationship is like this sometime soon and make the troll come out of Tomoko more like the small glimpse in Chapter 2.


Alright, that's all I can say for the review. Thanks you for the review and what you had to say. I know I didn't cover the second non-bit by bit chapter half but I can't really think of anything to say from it. But I will use it much I can for the rewrites and the newer chapters. Thanks again!

 

[System Error]

Return to chapter 1!

- Ahh, a much less philosophical opening chapter that actually explains things
- Tomoko getting a mention..
- Something borrowed, something blue? Some sort of preview of a thing, methinks.
- Kind of a run on sentence that has a lot of buts.
- I was kid <- Either she's suddenly Russian, or this is a typo
- I dunno about not being able to make a job out of drawing, lots of people make a living off it. As long as you are willing to draw furry except that is not a joke.
- Interesting implication setting this a bit in the past with things only now going digital.
- A lot of "background" in one paragraph about backgrounds. She heard you liked backgrounds, etc.
- Doesn't take rejection well, hm?
- And an earlier appearance to boot
- Blue, blue. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? I mean he is blue

Definitely a stronger start that serves to establish things compared to the borderline psychological trip that was the original. I'll get around to chapter 2 return tomorrow.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Welp, time to get this out of the way, the usual @System Error review.

- Ahh, a much less philosophical opening chapter that actually explains things

Yep, I really didn't know what I was thinking when I first starting writing the story, especially since I've written longer before hand. But hopefully experience from more English Classes and a different creative writing class than the one mentioned in the summary changed that.

- Tomoko getting a mention..

Figure I give her more of a presence, since for all extent and purposes they are close friends despite knowing each other for a short amount of time.

- Something borrowed, something blue? Some sort of preview of a thing, methinks.

Where are you getting borrowed from? I even looked back and didn't see it anywhere in the chapter unless your referring to other place or dream comment. For the second half, this was something I was planning originally to show up later but when my plans for the story changed to add something later from what I originally intended into something I felt was better, I wanted to rework this in somehow and have this be properly foreshadow hence the inclusion of this in the rewrite.

- I dunno about not being able to make a job out of drawing, lots of people make a living off it. As long as you are willing to draw furry except that is not a joke.

The thing is Cecilia is worry about is obtaining a following a sort, especially in a region like Orre where I often view the jobs like mechanics which is often brought up being more important, not to mention the lack of connection Orre often has with the other regions. Not to mention the lack of digital items that she doesn't have access to which would be the best suitable tools to use in the profession she wants to go into.

- Interesting implication setting this a bit in the past with things only now going digital.

I really didn't imply this is in the past per say, I more wanted to imply that Orre is still behind in technology that other regions excel in (smartphones, tablets and what not) with all their technological improvements going into surviving in the region. This is why Cecilia says it's taking a bit longer in Orre cause she's so used to being behind since in my head, the M*DA is based on a sliding phone while everyone else has moved to at least permanent touch screen technology for mobile devices. (I also kinda imagine this timeframe to at least around B2W2 but have the other regions still in play just ignoring the alternate dimension stuff, you might see nods to other region's events here or there).

- Doesn't take rejection well, hm?

I mean, wouldn't you after six months of job searching only to end in failure time and time again? There's also factors that haven't been mentioned yet.

- And an earlier appearance to boot

I'm gonna assume this refers to Tomoko's phone call to Cecilia. Yeah, I'm hoping to add her in more and I'm considering making some prequel/interlude chapters focused on her to get into headspace easier and show her more of her background to the readers.

- Blue, blue. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? I mean he is blue

But little do you know? It's not Superman in the distance..You slowly start to hear a certain song..

Spoiler: And it is..

THE TURNABOUT TERROR!!! What he's blue?

Anyways, I'm gonna have fun with this later in the story.

Definitely a stronger start that serves to establish things compared to the borderline psychological trip that was the original. I'll get around to chapter 2 return tomorrow.

What you don't like borderline psychological trips? Anyways as always, thanks for the review glad you enjoy the updated Chapter 1 and I hope you hsave the same feelings on Chapter 2's!

 

[System Error]

Fired up Xenoblade again today since SMT5 got delayed in Canada and I'm waiting to play SRW 30 until the full secrets guide comes out. So in your honor, let's go to the chapter 2 revision. Also, LOL forum messages and having to click an agreement, stupid Xenforo guys..

- Bit of odd phrasing in saying that whoever owns the building must have some connection to "it"
- When things don't even become memories, yet get forgotten...
- Mentioning the airport early.
- Those filthy New Yorkers, muscling in on Arizona.
- And earlier mention of Tomoko too.
- Typical horror movie scenario, and she doesn't suspect a thing. Even if the same thing has happened multiple times.
- I had this scary mental image of Tomoko lying in wait for hours, only for Cecilia to never come home.
- A simple hug, from girl to girl! And yet Cecilia seems confused at physical contact...hee.
- There's lots of technical stuff here and abouts, but there's notably an added line break between "see" and "me"
- Hm, the trials of having to go to Pokemon doctors for...curious issues. But hey, crossbreeding.
- Backstory of how they came to be together...although that said, unless there's unseen race stuff, it wasn't that obvious. Actually it occurs to me: Tomoko gets no description in this chapter.
- Tomoko getting seasick, I wonder?
- The only problem with fluffy white animals: fluffy white fur on your clothes.
- The quickest way to someone's heart is through their stomach...sometimes.
- Man, calling him Gonzo. Especially given all the meanings of that. Also wow, score in getting the old room.
- This is kinda reeking of the "I'm not worthy of her..." trope, and I get what you were talking about with the ship stuff, hee. Also another accidental line break here.
- I'd like to think a carrier crow would not do so well with its black feathers under the scorching sun...
- That dinner didn't take long to prepare, although maybe my sense of time passing in the fic was off

A bit of expanding and extra stuff, including more backstory. Not as large-scale as the first chapter, although to be fair, that was pretty much a prologue. Too bad computer crashes of sorts meant I couldn't directly compare. But I'll be ready for that for the coming chapters. Hopefully.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Fired up Xenoblade again today since SMT5 got delayed in Canada and I'm waiting to play SRW 30 until the full secrets guide comes out. So in your honor, let's go to the chapter 2 revision. Also, LOL forum messages and having to click an agreement, stupid Xenforo guys..

Yes! Yes! XenoBlade must rule all! Also I hate the messages soo much at the bottom of certain threads, so annoying.

- Bit of odd phrasing in saying that whoever owns the building must have some connection to "it"

Hey! Not everyone, even fan-fictional characters have perfect sentence structure.

- When things don't even become memories, yet get forgotten...

In my head for some reason: "Colors weep..." Kinda the meta-narrative of Orre here in a way.

- Mentioning the airport early.

Well, yep. It is a big event for somewhere that's never had one, so figures more people would be talking about it.

- And earlier mention of Tomoko too.

Despite the first person narration, I like to imagine Tomoko as a second main character like protagonist along with Cecilia so this is me giving her some presence.

- Typical horror movie scenario, and she doesn't suspect a thing. Even if the same thing has happened multiple times.

Who said she's done it like this every time she's scared her?

- I had this scary mental image of Tomoko lying in wait for hours, only for Cecilia to never come home.

Shifts eyes nervously.

- A simple hug, from girl to girl! And yet Cecilia seems confused at physical contact...hee.

Hee-ho. Well, more so in the way she's being hug. She is on the ground taking shoes off while she thought Tomoko walked off.

- There's lots of technical stuff here and abouts, but there's notably an added line break between "see" and "me"

Dammit, every time with the line breaks. I thought checked and there was none!!

- Hm, the trials of having to go to Pokemon doctors for...curious issues. But hey, crossbreeding.

Well, it is just a theory hence why Tomoko went to the doctors for Hinata. I was actually planning to use something like albinism for her, but then I realized, for a fire-type that would cause a lot of problems hence this idea came out.

- Backstory of how they came to be together...although that said, unless there's unseen race stuff, it wasn't that obvious. Actually it occurs to me: Tomoko gets no description in this chapter.

I will do a interlude chapter explaining how the two officially met and do a "how Tomoko came to Orre" prequel in the near future. Huh guess I did forget a physical description for her, well there is one next chapter.

- Tomoko getting seasick, I wonder?

More like being on a boat for a long time when you aren't used to it.

- Man, calling him Gonzo. Especially given all the meanings of that. Also wow, score in getting the old room.

What do you mean by 'meanings'? I mean, Gonzap is just a strange name in the first place, so it would be easy to mess up with another Gonz name.

- This is kinda reeking of the "I'm not worthy of her..." trope, and I get what you were talking about with the ship stuff, hee. Also another accidental line break here.

Damn it with the line breaks!! I will get into this someday though with a full breakdown of Cecilia & Tomoko's relationship as friends and roommates....

- I'd like to think a carrier crow would not do so well with its black feathers under the scorching sun...

The desert can be colder than you think, even with the sun out most of the time.

- That dinner didn't take long to prepare, although maybe my sense of time passing in the fic was off

Curry doesn't really take that long to make. But in my head Tomoko was making it before Cecilia got back, she's Japanese in all but name so she most likely has a rice cooker.

A bit of expanding and extra stuff, including more backstory. Not as large-scale as the first chapter, although to be fair, that was pretty much a prologue. Too bad computer crashes of sorts meant I couldn't directly compare. But I'll be ready for that for the coming chapters. Hopefully.

Hope I expanded more, been trying to include more and more in these rewrites/revisions and hope you've been enjoying it. I've been trying to reveal more information and the Chapter 4 and 5 revisions will hopefully include that.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

As of today, every chapter of Orre: The Desert has been rewritten, revised and expanded! From Chapter 1 to now. Thank you to everyone who left reviews of the current five chapters and everyone who help in either the help threads or the Bulbagarden's Discord Writing Channel.

The Update Notes of every chapter: (If you want the old versions of these chapters to compare, don't be afraid to ask!)

Update Notes for Chapter 1:
-Word Count is now 1,705.
-More explanation and world building from Cecilia.
-Extended conversation between Cecilia and Tomoko, now through a phone call instead of text.
-New plot hook and hopefully more details on existing plot hooks.

Update Notes for Chapter 2:
-Word Count is now 3,783.
-Updated Chapter name.
-Extended conversations between characters like Cecilia, Tomoko and Mr. Longfellow.
-More background information on locations.
-More background info on Tomoko Homura.
-Introduction of new Pokémon character.
-Nod to a later chapter.
-More hooks. THE HOOKS!!~~

Update Notes for Chapter 3:
-Word Count is now 5,263.
-Change of timeframe for the chapter, this now a few days later after Ch.2.
-Longer and updated conversation between Cecilia and Tomoko.
-More news in the news update.
-Updated and better introductions for Arial Dodds and Adam Dodds.
-More background on Cecilia.
-Introduction to some workers of Phenac Delivery Company.

Update Notes for Chapter 4:
-Word Count is now 4,269. Yes, nice.
-Redone conversations between Arial Dodds and Dr. Stacy with Cecilia.
-New Pokémon character introduced.
-More background on Dr. Stacey and the Dodds-Stacey family.
-Hopefully, less prying.

Update Notes for Chapter 5: Also specials thanks to @more than a torchic for looking over a few scenes on the Discord.
-Word Count is now 6,208.
-Updated Rules and timer added to Ari's question game.
-More background on questions and more detail in general.
-More details on the incident that made Cecilia leave her old job.
-Updated conversations at the end of the chapter, either changed or extended.

And that should be all. Chapter 6: Town of Jade is next to be worked on, expect in the new year as these updates have taken my time the past few months. But I will say as a teaser, we will be going to a brand new location I've created for my version of Orre, so look forward to that.

Thank you for reading Orre: The Desert up to now.

 

[Nori]

Note: I haven't read any reviews after the revisions, so I might've repeated someone else.

---

Chapter 1:

“It’s been a while since I’ve been here.” I said to the scenery.

Comma after here, not period.

Raising my leg onto the bike in a half cross legg way

Were you intending "legged" instead of "legg"?

I even come out here to clear my head once and awhile

once in awhile

I stared down at my watch out habit. Oh crap, it’s around six already? I guess I was here longer than I thought. No wonder my roommate got worried, I haven’t
taken the majority of rejections well.

Stray newline between haven't and taken?

I closed the call and placed my phone back into my pocket.

Closed the call sounds weird, ended the call maybe?

I put my sketchbook away in my messenger bag and threw it into my hoverbike’s sidecar. I proceed to sit down properly onto the vehicle. I turned the key as
the engine roar engulfed the lifeless desert once again.

Stray newline between key as and the engine?

As I looked into the distance, I saw something blue, a flash of blue more like it. It cannot be, can it? I thought it was just my imagination back then, but it
couldn’t be real.

Stray newline between but it and couldn't?

---

Chapter 2:

You think many people would come here looking for the places,

What is the places? Maybe you meant places to live?

I go over to the light switch next to the door and flick it on, illuminating the main room of our apartment.

I feel like I go over to the light switch is a bit weird, especially when it's next to a door. Maybe mention Cecilia's hand going over to the light switch instead?

“I don’t think it even is albinism since as a Fire-Type she would need to encounter the sun and the sensitivity would counteract that, possibly canceling all
function in a way, which she doesn’t have any problems with. I think the working theory between both her Johtonese doctor and her new one as well as myself
with what I know about Pokémon biology from my minor in university is that one of her parents is an Alolan variant who passed down a gene to make her
mostly white with some tints of red remaining from her regular Kantonian variant.”

Stray newlines between canceling all and function, as myself and with, and make her and mostly.

“I’m doing good here,” Tomoko responded. “I’ve liked it better here than working at the research labs I was at in Johto during my Masters program, maybe
because it’s a more “official” one for a lack of a better term.

Stray newline between maybe and because.

As she says this, I realized I was still subconsciously petting Hinata. At this point it just felt like the white-fured Ninetales was all over me and looked like she
was about to jump on me.

Stray newline between like she and was about.

“No, thank you for asking though. Go get change.”

changed

I walk forward in the slightly larger than average hallway towards my bedroom. This apartment that Tomoko and I live in happens to be one of the biggest in
the complex.

Stray newline between biggest in and the complex.

I opened my door into my, honestly bland bedroom.

I feel like another comma is needed after bland.

Tomoko has been supporting me since we started being roommates, but I always feel guilty for not doing more due to the need to minimize my savings, which while plentiful from working as a mechanic,
I really didn’t want to take too many chances.

Stray newline between mechanic and I really.

From what she told me, after she
completed her masters in ecology focusing on Pokémon habitats and a minor in Pokémon biology she was offered a chance to come here to Orre to work with
the Pokémon HQ Lab stationed here under Professor Krane and company.

Stray newlines between after she and completed, and work with and the Pokémon.

---

Chapter 3:

But here she is, dressed in her usual nice work attire; a red button up shirt under a white leather jacket, with a
black skirt and leg coverings, currently covered by an apron of course.

Stray newline between with a and black skirt.

She even added cane sugar to it! I can taste it, it helps balance it out for me.
“So, why are you up early?” I asked as I put my tea down and reached for the bagel. “You don’t usually have to be at the HQ Lab until 9 or 10.”

Missing newline between the lines?

“Migrating to Orre? That’s surprising.”
To explain; Orre has a sorta ‘wild Pokémon drought’ if you want to call it that.

Missing newline between the lines?

“I’ve still got a long way to go,” I shot back. “I’ve only gotten some basics down and what I was able to get from hanging around you for the past several
months.”

Stray newline between several and months.

Hinodego

I like what you did here. X)

Especially since they haven’t been spotted near here yet, even in
Unova.

Stray newline between even in and Unova.

“Oh, look at the time! I
didn’t realize it is almost seven, we better get going.”

Stray newline between I and didn't.

“Oh wait, Cecilia before you go,” Tomoko says catching up with me. “Here, I made you lunch for today.”
Tomoko passes over a container, covered with red cloth.

Missing newline between the lines?

“I’ll see you after work, I’ll probably be home before you judging by your last expedition. Good luck and stay safe in the mountains.”
I made my way out of the apartment and into the hallway.

Missing newline between the lines?

I slide my goggles over my eyes and kick up the brake and begin pulling out of the parking lot of the apartment complex.

Stand probably would work better here than brake.

I shutdowned my bike, pulled out my keys and took my goggles off.

Shutdowned sounds strange, shut off maybe?

The city is much larger than it was during the Second Shadow Crisis, where it was taken over by
Cipher for a brief period of time.

Stray newline between over by and Cipher.

“After the break; we go over Orre’s opening of our first airport in the coming year, what happens next?

Is the semicolon after break supposed to be a colon?

Soon after I take a left, revealing the sign in front of a moderately sized building saying
‘Phenac Delivery Service Company.’

Stray newline after saying and Phenac.

“I am the new employee Mr.Dodds hired the other day, he asked me to come in early today for training.”

Missing space between Mr. and Dodds.

“You may just continue calling me Mr.Dodds, or by my first name Adam if you prefer.

Missing space between Mr. and Dodds.

I followed suit and sat in one of the two chairs with my leg following suit as well starting to pance up
and down again.

Stray newline between up and and down.

Outside of your position as a delivery
person, I might throw you in some other areas of our workplace so we can expand these skills of yours, a lot of prospective places look for these skills.”

Stray newline between delivery and person.

“Now let’s officially start training. I wanna do a sorta blind test with what you can do out on the field with minimal knowledge,” Mr.Dodds said as he got up and walked to the doors. “Come on.”

Missing space between Mr. and Dodds.

I followed Mr.Dodds back out into the sorting room, where in the short span of time I was in the office it felt like the building started booming.

Missing space between Mr. and Dodds.

Did
my new boss do that on purpose?

Stray newline between Did and my new.

“There’s a company jacket and hat in there for you, we had to estimate your size for each, so just ask if they don’t fit.

Ask sounds a little weird, maybe something like holler or say something?

This was implemented
to make it easier on us since we are expecting to have way more packages coming up when the airport finally opens to the public and we won’t have to waste paper on people’s signatures.

Stray newline between implemented and to make.

---

Thingy for chapters 4 and 5 will come later.

 

[System Error]

All right, better late on the other two than never, but hey just in time for the C5 update. I read these over the course of a long drive today. I'll read proofreading to Nori, and also because pointing out typos on phone is a pain..

C3
- When your job is so dull you think you'll have a chance to draw
- And not Japanese, what are you talking about, the languages being named by real world names in universe is clearly noncanon
- Zubat, the terror that never quits, except briefly in Unova
- I would like to think the standard police dog would be whatever is native, not Arcanine just about everywhere. Also the Fire Stone accessibility must be atrocious
- Well if going by the not-American way, the hug is just two girls being girls. Going by the not-Japanese way, however......
- Also an entire minute to reciprocate?!
- Well with time travel who knows if a parent can be younger than their kid? Or cryogenics. Also if Cecilia is going on twenty-four, they might be perfectly compatible in the eastern zodiac
- They have weird names after Pokemon because the author wanted to make a reference and somehow it became a thing people do in fanfiction, I don't even think the anime was that extreme about it
- An anchor named Ancha...
- I guess Wes dyed his hair, silver just isn't heroic
- That feel when he pisses off to other regions and destroys everyone. Everywhere. On his own.
- Blind playthroughs are always a thing.
- Gossip intensifies
- Hey at least they could be Scamazon, although man, electronic only causes problems

C4
- Dark pale white is an oxymoron. Questionable helper poke too...
- Husband? I imagine that's a little awkward in bed...also, the helper poke needing help.
- Evidently from the teleporting. Maybe she's just lazy.
- Coming up with a better explanation for wheelchair guy
- Which rumors are you talking about is a bad sign for this dude
- Hm. 50-50 odds this was a setup by Adam to show her to a good psychiatrist.
- The time passing scene as things are sorted reads a little awkwardly
- She is going to add a poster of something very nerdy as a personalization. Or something very boring.
- A bit of awkward phrasing in the last sentence about sketching Ari being up to fate
- Took her breath away. Cecilia you charmer, you.
- Sucking at reading people tho, oof. That feel when she won't realize how many girls (and guys) want her
- Aha, so he did set it up on purpose
- And time to 1-800-collect the stuff

C5
- Tense switching going on near the start
- Imagine if they were being tricked this whole time and never noticed. Also you'd be surprised at signal copiers.
- That feel when M*DA is taking after the Poketch
- Also that feel when you just add a handwave to deal with the twenty questions in a row thing. Whatever works to minimize rewriting I guess.
- "Those rocks have a peculiar shape, Cecilia," she says next. "Was that on purpose?"
- And Ari is thinking hard about that wording. Definitely something Cecilia just can't read.
- And she's countering questions with questions!!!! And then she starts asking the questions!!!!!!! Questions upon questions, nested forever and ever.
- More models that are prolly references.
- ROROS? Really Organic Revving...I got nothing, made a note to make a smarmy acronym but I'm blanking on them.
- Renaming a pet can be problematic, especially if they're more sapient
- Old balls huh? Makes me wonder questions that probably shouldn't be thought too hard about
- But you did. Ball replacement is a pesky thing. Don't build em like they used to.
- Ari is pretty indifferent to a different Gardevoir, but is surprised at a different Noctowl
- Oh, disorder. But Orre's harsh environment definitely makes sense for variants
- Man this is Orre all right, dark with permanently hurt Pokes
- I hope they have good connection speeds in that hellhole of a region
- FRIIIIENDS also that is a creative way of entering stuff
- Welp. I was shitposting but Cecilia + Ari a thing too?
- It's not like she likes Tomoko or anything.
- Hey some expanding on the Damien bit.
- Nothing like a bad psuedoarranged relationship.
- But Ari is American so definitely little to think of this hug
- Do you want to give a nickname to your friend? Feat. from discord
- Now I wonder what anime Tomoko has in mind here... Although if my only half-joking is real, she might make another sort of anime reference in regards to Cecilia.
- I feel you about nicknames, Cecilia, surprisingly.
- Little did she know Tomoko is actually a magical girl who knows exactly when to place that phonecall..
- Just remember to wear a mask in a sandstorm, the real risk is all the dust in your lungs
- And dinner plans!

Some good expansioning in these edits along with the general touching up. Not much to say about it all that I haven't already. And moving onto new content next time! Can hardly wait.

 

[Ryoma Maser]

Okay double reviews and a big big doozy of stuff as we got a lot covering to do.

As always my friend @Nori catching the stuff I always miss and I always thank you for it my long-time Discord buddy. Honestly I swear with copy-paste recently doing into the forums. If I get some time tomorrow or maybe Sunday after everything settles down, I might just go back and fix every extra line break that happened because of the copy-paste from my Google Doc.

Were you intending "legged" instead of "legg"?

Huh, guess I missed that when reviewing it before posting it.

Closed the call sounds weird, ended the call maybe?

Is it that strange to use it though? I thought I've heard it used before, maybe all the web conference calls for school is making me think that.

Hinodego
I like what you did here. X)

Thank Torchic again for that name. I didn't really want to use Kantonian as the general language for every region based on Japan and though I love my term of Johtonese, I didn't want to make it another language altogether so this idea was born. The whole group island of these four is Hinode, while when referring to them in general or not knowing their nationality, they are Hinojin.

Is the semicolon after break supposed to be a colon?

I could never get the two correct half the time. I really need to find a proper beta reader at some point for this.

All right, better late on the other two than never, but hey just in time for the C5 update. I read these over the course of a long drive today. I'll read proofreading to Nori, and also because pointing out typos on phone is a pain..

I think you got a few typos there man.

- And not Japanese, what are you talking about, the languages being named by real world names in universe is clearly noncanon

I mean, they never been stated in game except like South America. It just felt odd, having these unique names like countries so would the languages follow suit in also being unique.

- Zubat, the terror that never quits, except briefly in Unova

Someday we'll get another bat Pokémon besides Noibat and Noivern which will save us from our Zubat overlords.

- I would like to think the standard police dog would be whatever is native, not Arcanine just about everywhere. Also the Fire Stone accessibility must be atrocious

To be fair, Tomoko's mostly been in Johto her whole life so that's what she's used to. I imagine Unova uses Stoutland, but Arcanine just seems to be the default for regions its available in, personally wanted to avert that and wanted a Pokémon that fitted the desert and would do well in that area hence the two forms of Lycanroc.

- Also an entire minute to reciprocate?!

Not a minute like you think. You know how you say "in a minute" but not take a minute? That's what I meant.

- Well with time travel who knows if a parent can be younger than their kid? Or cryogenics. Also if Cecilia is going on twenty-four, they might be perfectly compatible in the eastern zodiac

There will be no time travel! Those already get confusing enough!!

- They have weird names after Pokemon because the author wanted to make a reference and somehow it became a thing people do in fanfiction, I don't even think the anime was that extreme about it

I mean, a lot of things are at least model after Pokémon altogether in canon like most recently the Cram-O-Matic or the Arceus Phone/Slate from Legends.

- An anchor named Ancha...

This is actually canon!! Her name is Ancha in Gale of Darkness, the name Nelly was something i gave her though and made Ancha her last name.

- I guess Wes dyed his hair, silver just isn't heroic

It never really looked silver to me, or at least in the right lights. Wes always been a light, though dusty brown.

• That feel when he pisses off to other regions and destroys everyone. Everywhere. On his own.
• Blind playthroughs are always a thing.

Sorry, I'm very confused by both these comments.

- Hey at least they could be Scamazon, although man, electronic only causes problems

Hey, they have to catch up with the times!

C4
- Dark pale white is an oxymoron. Questionable helper poke too...

How is a Gardevoir questionable? Perfect for helping wheelchair bounded people thanks to being bipedal.

- Husband? I imagine that's a little awkward in bed...also, the helper poke needing help.

Hey, even service animals in real life need to got the vet now and again, same goes for helper Pokémon.

- Evidently from the teleporting. Maybe she's just lazy.

Well, she may have been running late. Plus it may have just been easier, who knows how far it is.

- Which rumors are you talking about is a bad sign for this dude

Are you talking about Dr. Stacy or Cecilia's father Holden Matthews? (Yes, I did change the name, I got sick of Gideon).

- Hm. 50-50 odds this was a setup by Adam to show her to a good psychiatrist.

Adam doesn't do that anymore in this revision after complaints from past workers. Dr. Stacy only did it cause he felt he went too far and I imagine he always offers paid-volunteer positions for specifically research spots. Even still, I imagine he would offer to talk anyways even if she gave out no problems.

- She is going to add a poster of something very nerdy as a personalization. Or something very boring.

Heheh.

- Aha, so he did set it up on purpose

Refer to above, he just wanted a good note-taker and psychiatrist take real good notes.

C5
- That feel when M*DA is taking after the Poketch

Glad you caught on, this is actually a Poketch application for the M*DA, I just didn't want to try and explain it in more detail and kinda wanted to see if anyone caught on.

- More models that are prolly references.

This is a reference to Ultra Sun and Moon's release date, November 17th, 2017 with Dusk referencing how Lycanroc Dusk was introduced in that game.

- ROROS? Really Organic Revving...I got nothing, made a note to make a smarmy acronym but I'm blanking on them.

Still need to come up with an acronym for them. But they're basically the main car company in Orre, like the Ford brand in the United States. Sandskimmer is actually a name created by Misfit Angel on the Discord.

• Old balls huh? Makes me wonder questions that probably shouldn't be thought too hard about
• But you did. Ball replacement is a pesky thing. Don't build em like they used to.

Well, it's a matter of age in this case. She's had Cole for a long time and the ball probably doesn't last as long as one would think.

• Ari is pretty indifferent to a different Gardevoir, but is surprised at a different Noctowl
• Oh, disorder. But Orre's harsh environment definitely makes sense for variants

Kiara is an import from Hoenn so that's why she's not surprised since it happens there but a Pokémon adapting in Orre of all places is rare. I imagine for Kiara's disorder she's got bit more black from her Mega shiny variant but still mostly green and white, just a lot paler. Haven't fully thought it out yet in case of more appearances.

- Man this is Orre all right, dark with permanently hurt Pokes

I added this cause we never got this in game canon at least on the side, only in other canons. And gotta remind people it's Orre somehow.

- I hope they have good connection speeds in that hellhole of a region

There's cell towers. There's an interview with Tomoko I wrote but not posted mentioning that she has a smartphone but they can't connect to Orre cell towers due to being a bit behind.

- FRIIIIENDS also that is a creative way of entering stuff

I assume you are talking about Ari throwing her M*DA?

- Welp. I was shitposting but Cecilia + Ari a thing too?

Well, judging by how she sees Cecilia talk about Tomoko....Ari ships it in-universe.

- It's not like she likes Tomoko or anything.

Cecilia: "Why does everyone think I like Tomoko like that!? We're just good friends!!"

• Hey some expanding on the Damien bit.
• Nothing like a bad psuedoarranged relationship.

Oh it gets worse, it gets so worse.

- Do you want to give a nickname to your friend? Feat. from discord

Thanks guys! I was just thinking of interesting aways to cement their new friendship and this came up.

- Now I wonder what anime Tomoko has in mind here... Although if my only half-joking is real, she might make another sort of anime reference in regards to Cecilia.

I was really tempted to put a Dragon Ball reference in there since, I pronounce Cel, "Cell" with the extra L. I was going to call Dragonite Ball, but I figure it sounded stupid and couldn't think of anything different.

- I feel you about nicknames, Cecilia, surprisingly.

I'm kinda the same about it as well. I prefer being call my full given name irl, but everyone except my family calls it the shorten version unless they make efforts Cecilia prefers her name as is, but made an exception for Ari. Tomoko will not be adapting this nickname though for reason explained later.

- Little did she know Tomoko is actually a magical girl who knows exactly when to place that phonecall..

I don't know why but Cardcaptor Sakura was the first thing that came to mind when reading this. The Windy Card is the messenger for the Clow/Sakura Cards though, so maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

- Just remember to wear a mask in a sandstorm, the real risk is all the dust in your lungs

I'm really excited for when I actually write this scenario. I have grand plans for the sandstorm and a lot of world building I want to do.

Some good expansioning in these edits along with the general touching up. Not much to say about it all that I haven't already. And moving onto new content next time! Can hardly wait.

Thanks for the review as always, glad you enjoy what I expanded and surprised you're very excited for Town of Jade! Let's hope I don't take too long with this chapter!!

 

[Nori]

Note: still haven't read anyone else's reviews or your replay to the first part of this.

---

Chapter 4:

My obvious reaction was a jump followed by an; “Ahh!”

I'm conflicted with how this is set up, at first I was going to ask if you meant to use a colon instead of a semicolon, but the second iteration of this made me really wonder. Perhaps the easiest fix would be replacing an with a verb and replacing the semicolon with a comma?

“A blind test? Dad is already sending you on deliveries?” Ari mumbled as she grabbed the package to look more easily at the address. “Oh, this address is
about ten minutes away.”

Stray newline between address is and about ten.

I do as Ari asked, and grab the Mobile Delivery Device out of my messenger bag and pass it along to her. She subsequently grabbed it and rotated her hand to
show the bulky device’s screen.

Stray newline between hand to and show.

“Since there is a scanner in here that we use to scan packages and track them, we can use it the other way to act as a GPS,” she presses a button that leads
into a menu and scrolls down to a bar aptly named GPS. “You can either put in the address manually or use the device to scan the barcode.”

Stray newline between that leads and into.

Like Ari explained, she pointed to the top of the MDD at the package’s barcode and clicked the button in the middle that said scan. A red light flashed the
barcode and voila, the address popped up with directions when Ari passed it back to me.

Stray newline between flashed the and barcode.

“It’s part of some new regulations I believe, I haven’t bothered paying close attention to it,” she explained. “Most of the stuff in our MDDs are unique to Orre,
this is so we can prevent theft and make sure our packages get to the correct recipients.”

Stray newline between Orre and this is.

I stop mid turn and see Dr. Stacy holding a card towards me which I promptly take.

Pretty sure mid-turn should be hyphenated. Also would be a little nice to know it's a business card, as I thought it was something of a greeting card before the following sentence.

I started sorting the packages as Mr. Dodds told me to do so. Putting the packages in their correct bin. A lot of packages are meant for here in Phenac City or
Pyrite Town.

Stray newline between City or and Pyrite.

I leave the sorting room and walk into the employee area, taking a seat at the empty table present in the room. I placed my bag on the floor and opened it to
grab my lunch out, as well as my planner.

Stray newline between opened it to and grab.

I placed the box with my lunch on the table and opened it to reveal the Johtonese style bento style lunch prepared for me with some of the leftovers from last
night. Seriously, Tomoko is too kind for this world, she did not really need to do stuff like this. I need to repay her big time someday.

Stray newline between from last and night. Also, style appears twice; is it Johtonese-style bento lunch or Johtonese bento-style lunch?

All I can mutter out is a speaky voice-cracked; “Yes.”

This is the second iteration of the weird set up. I think the way to fix this one would be to remove the semicolon and quotation marks, change the case of and italicise Yes.

“No, please come on in,” Mr.Stacy answered.

Missing space between Mr. and Stacy. (This one's out of order because I remembered about it from last night.)

---

Additionally, Cecilia's messenger bag should actually be stored in the locker with other personal effects while working, but I didn't really realise it until Cecilia started lunch, so I'll let it pass. It's also possible that Mr. Dodds allowed it only because she's in training. It's not something that needs to be changed or covered, but something to keep in mind for later.

Also do like the way you fixed the wheelchair logistical issue.

---

Chapter 5:

Ari grabs out a MDD and squats down closer to the box while I follow suit, kneeling one one leg instead, in order to see better.

This again... Grabs out still sounds weird; a MDD or an MDD?

I don’t know if it’s a photographic one or something I gained overtime, maybe the latter with how I had to memorize all the shit my father taught me in specific ways but maybe not.”

Over time should be two words, not one.

I laughed a bit; “There’s a small spot near some abandoned building a little off from Pyrite which is filled with nothing but rock formations, I usually go there to draw in peace and quiet. I just went the other day after your father gave me the job.”

The semicolon should probably just be a period.

“A MAR-299 Garchomp hoverbike,” I answered without hesitation. “A custom build that includes a sidecar. Did it pretty much by myself back when I was a
mechanic full-time.”

Stray newline between was a and mechanic.

“Just a standard R.O.R.O.S. Sandskimmer hover car,” Ari said. “Kinda boring after what you just said. I’ll never be brave enough to drive a hoverbike, or do
something similar to what you did for your vehicle.”

Stray newline between or do and something.

“Actually, now that I think about this, let me stop the timer for this cause I know we’ll go over this”

Missing period at the end of the dialogue.

I opened up my messenger bag and quickly sorted through it, looking for Cole’s Pokéball. I bring it out of the bag; it looks a bit worn from age, with the red
paint looking a tad darker and chipped. I’ll need to get it refurbished or even replaced soon, another thing to add to the list of things after my first paycheck. I
activated the release function on the ball, which made it promptly open as the bird Pokémon flew out of it and onto my arm after I raised it.

Stray newlines between the red and paint, and I and activated.

I was upset when Phenac Stadium shut down and later turned into the community center. Now I can barely get into what’s left of
Pyrite Stadium and I could never get into Realgam’s for live battling or could get in there period. So I just watch online.”

Stray newline between left of and Pyrite.

I snapped back as we grew closer to the community center as I saw Cole in the distance, sitting on the collection bid.

I'm sure you meant bin and not bid.

After a small bit, I ended up croaking; “Sure.”

Semicolon should probably just be a comma.

“Thank you,” was all I could say.

This is a little weird. probably just replace the comma with a period and then add it was. ("Thank you." It was all I could say.)

“Yeah, I think so,” I say. “Just a lot to take in from all the various tasks and stuff.”


“I know, but once you get used to it, it just becomes a breeze,” Mr. Dodds explained.

Stray newline between the lines.

Tomoko sighed; “No, it was a bust. We couldn’t even verify the rumor of Vullaby and Mandibuzz migrating over from Unova. That’s the third Pokéspot
expedition failure we’ve had recently. Professor Krane has taken it in stride, though his daughter Rina was oddly upset about it.”

Stray newline between Pokéspot and expedition.

---

Chapter 3:

I took another breath and started walking into the building

Missing period at the end of the sentence. (I didn't look at it right yesterday when I was going over these, so I deleted it... and then I realised this morning when I came across the one in chapter 5.)

---

I think there's still some tense issues, but I read past most of them if there were any others than the one I noticed and wasn't sure about.

A lot of issues with newlines this time around. :s I'm guessing it's from copying and pasting to the forums?

---

And now reply time! X)

Is it that strange to use it though? I thought I've heard it used before, maybe all the web conference calls for school is making me think that.

Fair. I don't do a lot of video calling, though I think it should maybe be reserved for video calls and not used for phone calls.

Thank Torchic again for that name. I didn't really want to use Kantonian as the general language for every region based on Japan and though I love my term of Johtonese, I didn't want to make it another language altogether so this idea was born. The whole group island of these four is Hinode, while when referring to them in general or not knowing their nationality, they are Hinojin.

I figured Hinodego followed the Japanese convention where "go" is "language" (nihongo, eigo); Hinojin also follows this as well.