TEEN: Phantom Project

[Persephone]

Chapter 2:

Not doing a quote-review unless I see any technical errors in future chapters. But the “secluded corner of the universe” line was great.

In general the writing was very good with emotions, dwelling on grief, guilt and the constant insecurity of Atis. Even not knowing much about the characters I got a good feel for him and, sort of, Sai.

I loved Glori. She’s so cute and headstrong. It’s kind of easy to forget that she’s a magikarp and not a goldeen or something else. I still have to maintain that I has the bset magikarp in the workshop, but he’s technically evolved now so I’ll give that a pass.

In general, the chapter had some powerful writing and did well with making mundane events into good scenes. That’s really rare in fan fic, so kudos on that.

Chapter 3:

The tone here changed from constant guilt, anxiety and obsession to aloofness from everything here, so you did a good job at flipping narrators to highlight how the trauma is affecting everyone differently.

Only flaw that really stood out here is that there was a mention of Ezram doing dishes and I am very much wondering how a braviary can do that without getting the dishes more infected. Of course, is birb, might not care.

If there’s one little thing that nagged me, it’s that in this chapter I don’t quite buy the relationship between Ezrem and his partner. It feels like Ezrem is a bit too distant from everything to maintain it and that, however nice she is, his partner would be a little more angry with him that he kept constantly going away.

Only thing I have to say about Senori is RIP in peace.

ALSO WHAT THE HECK SPOILERS FOR LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES YOU MONSTER HOW COULD YOU #AnnieDeservedBetter #StopBuryingBisexuals

Chapter 4:

RIP in Ashes, Senori

I didn’t get quite the same overpowering emotional vibe from this one. Some weakness, I guess?

This one definitely seemed to be more about Sai than the last two, so this is my first real exposure to him outside the first chapter I don’t remember. He seems believable enough as someone with bipolar disorder during a relatively better phase at a rough time, from the amount I know (had bipolar friends, am not myself).

I rather like the idea of a nerdy pokemon, especially a feraligatr. Massive, hulking lizard really just wants to talk to you about architecture and also maybe rip you to shreds if you’re a pokemon in her way and she’s in the right mood. She felt like the best character so far, anyway. Glori excluded for the moment, because outside of one conversation we haven’t seen much of her. What little we did see in this chapter felt good, though, in that she showed a genuinely softer and helpful side beneath the innocently insensitive insights she’s usually good for.

Been to a couple funerals recently. None for anyone I was close to. So I really understand both the odd fact that the person most affected has to act like the social host for some reason and that a lot of people are there for other people and don’t really have anything to say about the person who died. So that vibe was good, I guess.

Chapter 5:

You do a good job portraying Rennio as younger than the other characters here, but at least older than Shin. The punctuation helped! The chapter felt shorter than the ones before it. Not sure if that’s due to fewer words or a brisker plot or less emotional weight under everything. Either way, youth aside, there wasn’t a lot of heavy emotion here.

But it’s also kind of subtly highlighted that Rennio’s kind of lost two parental figures if he was closer to Senori than Sai, as I got through this and other chapters. He certainly thinks of Annie as more of a parent, caregiver and friend than Ezrem, who mostly just seems to remember her as a fellow traveler of sorts.

On to plot, for the bonuz pointz.

The plot so far has been mostly character driven, with the actual events entirely outside of anyone’s control but yours as the sadistic fucker writing this. But since the characters won’t know that until Transcendence Project, everything felt like people were just waiting, powerless, for the other shoe to drop. That’s not often a place that good writers put their characters in, since not having agency makes it hard to make a character a meaningful protagonist, but it works here.

In terms of the proposed plot, that’s one heck of a challenge you’ve wrote yourself into. Especially if you plan on resolving it happily (or at least successfully) and getting readers to buy it. I imagine most of the legal records would be sealed because minors and I wonder if the kid even wants to be found. Or if anyone, Sai included, would have thought about that.

The big irony for me in the Rennio chapter is how much he focuses on Sai not asking the team for their opinions on a quest that involves shaking up a little boy’s world for the vague satisfaction of two strangers to him, whether he wants it or not.

But whatevs. It’s hard to keep the grief plot going for long so if the story is meant to be more than a quick miniseries with six POV chapters and then maybe a Sai or Shin epilogue, then you’ll have to get him outside the apartment.

Speaking of: What does he do for his money now? He hasn’t had a job in the months the story has taken place over and seems to keep his apartment just fine. And no one ever mentioned losing his career if he left. Even if Jasmine pays for the apartment, he apparently has at least enough money to go out and eat.

And if he’s living on savings, wouldn’t he have money for something other than a pokeball to bury Senori in? So many questions.

Anyway, know that I hold you responsible for needlessly killing a furret, even as you complain about birbslayers.

Hypocritical monster, you.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Chapter 2:

Not doing a quote-review unless I see any technical errors in future chapters. But the “secluded corner of the universe” line was great.

Thanks! I rather liked that bit myself.

In general the writing was very good with emotions, dwelling on grief, guilt and the constant insecurity of Atis. Even not knowing much about the characters I got a good feel for him and, sort of, Sai.

I loved Glori. She’s so cute and headstrong. It’s kind of easy to forget that she’s a magikarp and not a goldeen or something else. I still have to maintain that I has the bset magikarp in the workshop, but he’s technically evolved now so I’ll give that a pass.

In general, the chapter had some powerful writing and did well with making mundane events into good scenes. That’s really rare in fan fic, so kudos on that.

Glad to hear on the emotions front! And I'm not sure how to feel about Glori myself just yet, but seems she's got some fans among the readers, so I'll take it.

Chapter 3:

The tone here changed from constant guilt, anxiety and obsession to aloofness from everything here, so you did a good job at flipping narrators to highlight how the trauma is affecting everyone differently.

That about sums up Ezrem, there. Different from everyone else and aloof.

Only flaw that really stood out here is that there was a mention of Ezram doing dishes and I am very much wondering how a braviary can do that without getting the dishes more infected. Of course, is birb, might not care.

I really gotta stop making them do human things like that...

If there’s one little thing that nagged me, it’s that in this chapter I don’t quite buy the relationship between Ezrem and his partner. It feels like Ezrem is a bit too distant from everything to maintain it and that, however nice she is, his partner would be a little more angry with him that he kept constantly going away.

Indeed, it'll blow up eventually, haha. I know you didn't read SP, but Kuiora had been a massive ball of anger back then. She's since tried to control her emotions and be patient with others. Overall, though, I'm aware this isn't the healthiest or even a likely couple, but I wanna try to portray that as best I can.

ALSO WHAT THE HECK SPOILERS FOR LOVE AND OTHER NIGHTMARES YOU MONSTER HOW COULD YOU #AnnieDeservedBetter #StopBuryingBisexuals

Woops. I forgot that's still a spoiler for some. Also, I can't recall referring to Annie as a bisexual anywhere, but I could totally see it.

I didn’t get quite the same overpowering emotional vibe from this one. Some weakness, I guess?

Yeah, re: above, she tries to keep her emotions in check, much like Sai does, hence why I thought the two would go well together in this chapter.

He seems believable enough as someone with bipolar disorder during a relatively better phase at a rough time, from the amount I know (had bipolar friends, am not myself).

That's good to hear. I may have experience with bipolar disorder myself, but mine's far different than Sai's, so believability is still something I worry about sometimes.

I rather like the idea of a nerdy pokemon, especially a feraligatr. Massive, hulking lizard really just wants to talk to you about architecture and also maybe rip you to shreds if you’re a pokemon in her way and she’s in the right mood. She felt like the best character so far, anyway. Glori excluded for the moment, because outside of one conversation we haven’t seen much of her. What little we did see in this chapter felt good, though, in that she showed a genuinely softer and helpful side beneath the innocently insensitive insights she’s usually good for.

Magikarp versus feraligatr? Who'll win? Hmm... Nah, but considering the drastic change in said feraligatr between the original and this, it's good to hear someone's a fan of my portrayal of her here. ^^

Been to a couple funerals recently. None for anyone I was close to. So I really understand both the odd fact that the person most affected has to act like the social host for some reason and that a lot of people are there for other people and don’t really have anything to say about the person who died. So that vibe was good, I guess.

Yeppp, can't say I understand the social etiquette expected at most funerals, but... glad it seemed realistic, at least. XD

You do a good job portraying Rennio as younger than the other characters here, but at least older than Shin. The punctuation helped!

I thought I'd gone overboard with that, too. XD But yeah, that's what I was going for.

The chapter felt shorter than the ones before it. Not sure if that’s due to fewer words or a brisker plot or less emotional weight under everything. Either way, youth aside, there wasn’t a lot of heavy emotion here.

I don't write a lot of non-emotional, plot-focused chapters, so I'd attest the fast pace to that, probably. I'm not too good at balancing the two together just yet, at any rate.

But it’s also kind of subtly highlighted that Rennio’s kind of lost two parental figures if he was closer to Senori than Sai, as I got through this and other chapters. He certainly thinks of Annie as more of a parent, caregiver and friend than Ezrem, who mostly just seems to remember her as a fellow traveler of sorts.

Yeah, Rennio was always closer to Senori. He's had his moments with Sai, and their friendship will grow/be tested later on, but yeah, Ezrem at least is kind of in a whatever state right now. He has a tendency to bottle his emotions up hardcore, so he does think of Annie as more than a trainer, but we're not quite there yet in the sequel.

On to plot, for the bonuz pointz.

The plot so far has been mostly character driven, with the actual events entirely outside of anyone’s control but yours as the sadistic fucker writing this. But since the characters won’t know that until Transcendence Project, everything felt like people were just waiting, powerless, for the other shoe to drop. That’s not often a place that good writers put their characters in, since not having agency makes it hard to make a character a meaningful protagonist, but it works here.

In terms of the proposed plot, that’s one heck of a challenge you’ve wrote yourself into. Especially if you plan on resolving it happily (or at least successfully) and getting readers to buy it. I imagine most of the legal records would be sealed because minors and I wonder if the kid even wants to be found. Or if anyone, Sai included, would have thought about that.

That feeling when I want to tackle a bigger plot but I keep wondering if this one might be a bit too big to tackle. ;_; But yeah, I've done a ton of research on this and whatever, and it's probably the aspect of the story with the most notes floating around, so I'll try my best, lmfao.

The big irony for me in the Rennio chapter is how much he focuses on Sai not asking the team for their opinions on a quest that involves shaking up a little boy’s world for the vague satisfaction of two strangers to him, whether he wants it or not.

But whatevs. It’s hard to keep the grief plot going for long so if the story is meant to be more than a quick miniseries with six POV chapters and then maybe a Sai or Shin epilogue, then you’ll have to get him outside the apartment.

You know, it would've made total sense for Rennio himself to wonder if the kid wanted to be found or if the kid himself even knows he has siblings. Oops. My thought process was that Marty and Sasha were pretty frantic/shocked/what have you from hearing the news still and haven't quite settled down enough to think of the logistics of stuff like that. Sai isn't one to confront others like that, especially not Marty, though it is something he'd question aloud to others. I'll keep it in mind for future scenes.

Speaking of: What does he do for his money now? He hasn’t had a job in the months the story has taken place over and seems to keep his apartment just fine. And no one ever mentioned losing his career if he left. Even if Jasmine pays for the apartment, he apparently has at least enough money to go out and eat.

And if he’s living on savings, wouldn’t he have money for something other than a pokeball to bury Senori in? So many questions.

Also an oversight, kind of. I mentioned subtly that Sai's been saving money and watching how much he spends for a long while now, but the mention of Jasmine here was supposed to emphasize the job aspect since she got him the job forever ago. I definitely wrote that he has a job in chapter 1, at any rate, so I should go back in and see if I can add some scattered references to it if I can.

Anyway, know that I hold you responsible for needlessly killing a furret, even as you complain about birbslayers.

Hypocritical monster, you.

When I need to be stopped but I still haven't been stopped. Feels bad, man

Thanks for reading and commenting! <3

 

[Flaze]

We’re officially in a post-Senori world and it’s as sad as I expected it to be. You do a good job of showing how things have changed since his passing and the contrast between Rennio before and after his death also gives us a good idea of how it’s affected the youngest in the group.

Rennio’s POV has always been the weakest to me, maybe because he’s also the youngest but I think it worked here. He’s no longer the same scared little Elekid, but he also seems to be forcing himself to grow up somewhat at the same time. His continued understanding of Ezrem’s situation are also a nice addition.

However, the biggest thing in this chapter has to be Marty and Sasha. Always stuck in the support role, Sasha was a secondary character at best in Survival, whereas Marty was kind of a nuisance. Seeing how close they’ve grown to Sai and how they themselves has changed makes them stand out more.

Which is why their proposal to Sai is a really big step. It not only gives us a hint of the real plot, but showcases how much they. Care about Sai at the same time. However, I do wonder how important this plot will be in the long run, I’m sure you’ll throw a few curveballs in there since Team Rocket is still around and the team is still recovering from Senori’s death.

Overall it was a calm chapter and more of a transition one at that, that sadly means that not much really happened besides the twist, but it shows that this story still has a lot of room for growth.

Also I wrote this from my phone so I’m sorry if there’s any mistakes here.

 

[diamondpearl876]

We’re officially in a post-Senori world and it’s as sad as I expected it to be. You do a good job of showing how things have changed since his passing and the contrast between Rennio before and after his death also gives us a good idea of how it’s affected the youngest in the group.

Rennio’s POV has always been the weakest to me, maybe because he’s also the youngest but I think it worked here. He’s no longer the same scared little Elekid, but he also seems to be forcing himself to grow up somewhat at the same time. His continued understanding of Ezrem’s situation are also a nice addition.

However, the biggest thing in this chapter has to be Marty and Sasha. Always stuck in the support role, Sasha was a secondary character at best in Survival, whereas Marty was kind of a nuisance. Seeing how close they’ve grown to Sai and how they themselves has changed makes them stand out more.

Which is why their proposal to Sai is a really big step. It not only gives us a hint of the real plot, but showcases how much they. Care about Sai at the same time. However, I do wonder how important this plot will be in the long run, I’m sure you’ll throw a few curveballs in there since Team Rocket is still around and the team is still recovering from Senori’s death.

Overall it was a calm chapter and more of a transition one at that, that sadly means that not much really happened besides the twist, but it shows that this story still has a lot of room for growth.

Also I wrote this from my phone so I’m sorry if there’s any mistakes here.

I coulda sworn I replied to this already...

Yeah, if the Senori-less world wasn't sad, I'd clearly not have been doing my job as the writer. ^^; I agree that Rennio's POV was always the weakest in the original, and it's something I tried and will keep trying to remedy here. He'll have a pretty big role in the plot eventually, so I can't really afford to have him be the weakest moving forward.

Glad to hear it about Marty and Sasha! I wished they'd had more of a supporting role in the original, too, but it never seemed to fit. I think they'll work well for what I have planned here this time, though. The plot will be important, but the characters will always remain the focus. The plot doesn't mean anything to me if the characters aren't affected or if we don't get to delve deep into their reactions/feelings/etc, after all.

Thanks for commenting and reading, as always! I'm okay with it being a calm, transition chapter; it wasn't filler, at any rate, and things happened, I think, just in the productive conversation sense rather than characters moving around and whatnot. I'll look forward to see what you think of the plot in the future. ^^

 

[AetherX]

Don't think I'm about to leave you out of the festivities <3

Sorry for not reviewing sooner (like, on the last chapter I missed ages ago). I reread a bit to get back in the right mindset. Usually that feels like a chore, but you're one of those writers where I don't mind rereading on occasion. I'm a bit tired though so I apologize if this is ramble-y. I guess I'll start with the one concrete criticism:

They stepped it up a notch, too, once Senori died by traveling from Azalea to Olivine every week to check on him.

It looks like you're trying to avoid overuse of commas, but this straight up made me think that I had missed something and Senori had somehow died due to complications from his traveling between Azalea and Olivine. The whole sentence confused the heck out of me, then I realized there were a couple different fragments that I was connecting improperly. Probably subjective, but it might be worth rejiggering the sentence a bit.

Also this made me laugh:

“If you don’t see a big feraligatr stompin’ around the place, either she’s not here or you’re blind!”

TFW Shin yo mommas himself.

I might just be saying this because I wrote my {spectra} review earlier today, but I noticed that a lot of the things I liked about that story apply here too. Ultimately this is a story about the individual characters, and each separate POV chapter really helps drive home how each character is dealing with Senori's death. It's very powerful, but the inherent weakness to that kind of writing style should be the lack of cohesion between the chapters. I mean, you're switching narrators, that can really mess up a story. But it doesn't. When characters show up in their non-POV chapters, they're written with such great consistency that we can clearly see how they're still having the same struggles even if the spotlight isn't on them. And there's still a solid through-line for the plot. Sasha and Marty's little revelation in the most recent chapter is an interesting hook and I'm assuming it's what leads into the overall plot. I'm just not quite invested in that as much, since they're relatively minor characters and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how the rest of the team would react to the idea of going out on a journey again.

Patiently awaiting more!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Don't think I'm about to leave you out of the festivities <3

Have I mentioned how much I love you

Sorry for not reviewing sooner (like, on the last chapter I missed ages ago). I reread a bit to get back in the right mindset. Usually that feels like a chore, but you're one of those writers where I don't mind rereading on occasion. I'm a bit tired though so I apologize if this is ramble-y. I guess I'll start with the one concrete criticism:

Hey, I have no qualms with someone re-reading. XD It makes edits to past chapters feel a lot less pointless.

It looks like you're trying to avoid overuse of commas, but this straight up made me think that I had missed something and Senori had somehow died due to complications from his traveling between Azalea and Olivine. The whole sentence confused the heck out of me, then I realized there were a couple different fragments that I was connecting improperly. Probably subjective, but it might be worth rejiggering the sentence a bit.

I feel like I missed the opportunity for a quality meme here. But yeah, I know what you mean. I've gotten into the habit of packing too much information in one sentence, which ends up feeling confusing more often than not.

Also this made me laugh:

TFW Shin yo mommas himself.

He really is Kuiora's son, omg : ' )

I might just be saying this because I wrote my {spectra} review earlier today, but I noticed that a lot of the things I liked about that story apply here too. Ultimately this is a story about the individual characters, and each separate POV chapter really helps drive home how each character is dealing with Senori's death. It's very powerful, but the inherent weakness to that kind of writing style should be the lack of cohesion between the chapters. I mean, you're switching narrators, that can really mess up a story. But it doesn't. When characters show up in their non-POV chapters, they're written with such great consistency that we can clearly see how they're still having the same struggles even if the spotlight isn't on them. And there's still a solid through-line for the plot. Sasha and Marty's little revelation in the most recent chapter is an interesting hook and I'm assuming it's what leads into the overall plot. I'm just not quite invested in that as much, since they're relatively minor characters and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how the rest of the team would react to the idea of going out on a journey again.

Patiently awaiting more!

Heh, this isn't the first time my writing's been compared to @kintsugi's, but it's an honor every time. I'm glad you think so about the POV chapters, and I'd actually be interested to hear if you think the cohesion because POV chapters is better than in Survival Project. I think so personally, but I'm the most biased person there.

Yeahhh, I figured Marty and Sasha wouldn't necessarily hook readers by themselves. And that's fine. I have plans for them and I'm excited, but really, the focus is and will still be on the team. Guess you'll have to stick around and see how the other teammates react, though, hehe.

Thanks for reading and commenting! <3

 

[diamondpearl876]

ughhhhhh 7 months to update even though I wrote all this in a week, why am I like this

This chapter mostly serves to introduce a familiar character from SP in more depth before we dive into the main antagonist's appearance next time. Enjoy 'n' stuff~ <3

PHANTOM PROJECT​

5.5

*​

It had just started feeling like October.

Olivine City was cold and remarkably devoid of tourists as a result. Locals brave enough to roam the streets braced themselves with layer after layer of clothing, their pokémon similarly wrapped up in custom knitted hats and scarves. Gracie, a fire-type who found the changing of the seasons more tolerable than most, kept her gaze on the dying hawthorn leaves covering the boardwalk leading to the sea. Crisp and shriveled up, their dryness wouldn’t react well to the flames on her back if they touched. She found some amusement in the way nature left her such an easy way to destroy a city if she chose to do so…

Gracie flinched as she noticed a palossand waking from its slumber out of the corner of her eye. That meant she was a few blocks away from the Pokémon Center now, where the rest of her team sans Senori competed over a game of spades. The furret had claimed to want to convince Sai that apartment hunting would be a better use of his time, but now, he jogged on all fours behind her. The quilava guessed that conversation hadn’t gone as planned.

And she could understand Sai’s reluctance, really. Trainers were offered a hefty discount at all Johto Centers, not to mention free food and rather cozy, hotel-like accommodations. The Nurse Joy on duty most often knew them all by name and never turned down a request of theirs. Still, it’d have been nice to have a permanent home to return to.

But Gracie couldn’t complain, not really. Things were quiet and peaceful overall. And Senori livened things up when she needed it.

It came as no surprise to her that Senori suggested they go for a swim once they reached the sea proper.

“A fire-type afraid of water…” he mused, grinning. “So typical. I wanna prove to you it’s not so scary!”

The quilava yawned, unimpressed with his bravado. “Yeah, no, because I know how it’s gonna go,” she said. “As soon as you dip your toe in there, you’ll complain that it’s freezing and demand we go home to warm up again.”

“What’s that got to do with you swimming?” Senori folded his arms and puffed out his cheeks, pouting. “The water shouldn’t be too cold for you, right?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Won’t be much fun if you don’t join me, though.”

Senori started, nearly tripping over his own tail. He caught himself in time and mumbled quietly as he brushed away a clod of dirt stuck under his foot. Laughing, Gracie reminded him that he’d been helping her settle ever since she switched trainers. Trying out new things together was a staple of their friendship already.

The furret took a deep breath and said, “Okay, just for that, you’re definitely going for a swim today.”

“Whatever you say.”

As it turned out, the duo practically had the beach to themselves, too, aside from a bale of shuckle arranged in a circle, peering into each other’s shells and combing through their collections of oran berries. They dumped the overripe ones onto the sand and retreated to the top of a nearby sea stack. A lone krabby scuttled by and gathered the scraps, then hissed as Senori and Gracie strolled by. Bubbles foaming from its mouth were carried away by the wind and toward the latest wave rolling in.

Gracie didn’t shy away as the wave soaked one of her paws. She’d visited the beach before, and though she had a habit of purposely blocking out unpleasant memories, she found herself reliving the moment when her new team decided to make Olivine City their home. Sai had rented a beach house, despite how expensive they were, to help everyone unwind after the Team Rocket incident. Senori joked with him about never getting to take baths, Kuiora tried to teach him the art of swimming, and even Atis spun on the water’s surface like a circus acrobat just to make him laugh!

Of course, Gracie herself had settled into a shady spot on the shore, where the sand was cool and the sun couldn’t taunt her flames. She watched on, stiff-backed and quiet and invisible, searching for the inevitable sign that would confirm her choice to join Sai’s team was a mistake.

In the end, she found none.

She supposed that explained why she’d ventured to the beach of her own accord today—to continue the search. All the tension engulfing the team, all their jokes and attempts at pretending... Gracie got the distinct feeling that toughing it out with them would be worth it. But eventually, maybe she’d realize this wasn’t a battle worth fighting. Maybe she’d rescind her choice to stay with the team. To her it was a baffling, paradoxical choice to make for reasons she had no words for, but a choice nonetheless.

As for Senori? He chose to use a weakened version of his slam attack on Gracie. She stumbled deeper into the shore, the lower half of her body submerged completely. On all fours, he sprinted after her, stifling a giggle before he caved in and the sound of his laughter echoed in her ears.

Instinct told her to draw in her flames as she struggled to stand up straight and avoid plunging face first into the undertow. When she finally stabilized, she noticed Senori next to her, punished with chattering teeth and damp fur while her body temperature kept her warm.

“That’s what you get,” she said jokingly, digging her paws in the sand on the ocean floor below her. She forced herself to stay put, to be grounded in the present moment and not ruin the fun for her best friend.

“Yeah, yeah.” He shivered and shook his fur, droplets plopping back into the ocean where they belonged. “At least the water’s not too hot for me in the summer. Then it’s perfect!”

“Since you like to brag so much,” she said, “show me what I’m supposed to know, see if I can get the hang of this swimming thing.”

“About that…” The furret rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Peering out into the distance, he lost his train of thought, his voice replaced by the undulation of the waves sounding slow and subdued like a soft sigh.

Gracie rolled her eyes. “You don’t actually know how to swim, do you?” she said.

His head snapped back in her direction, a grin plastered on his face as he said, “Nope.”

“Figures.” She paused, not moving an inch. “So, what do we do now?”

“Probably the only thing we can do is learn to swim, you know, together… or go back and see Sai and co.”

It was a lose-lose situation. The winter-like weather would take its toll on them in no time at all, sooner rather than later for the furret. And if she remembered right, the sun would start setting soon, at which point they’d risk having to navigate back to the Pokémon Center in the dark. Yet the thought of spending any longer in that cramped room, not knowing exactly if and when they’d pack up and settle elsewhere, was enough to persuade Gracie to give swimming a try.

Senori didn’t wait for an answer. “Here, let’s just do this,” he said, and with that, he dipped his paws underwater and grabbed hold of one of Gracie’s. With a swift flick of his wrist, he propelled her leg forward a few inches. “Reach out and touch. Baby steps and all that, right?”

Gracie stared at him, dumbfounded. She hardly called this an accomplishment of any kind, but it was as good a starting point as any.

//

chapter 6 ; [GRACIE]
mindscape

*​

“Come on, Sai. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

I lingered in Trainer’s room, lights out and door shut tight. Rennio’s words should’ve come off muffled from the kitchen, but they struck so clear-cut I thought he was screaming them into my ear.

Trainer never bothered to make his bed, so I didn’t have to feel guilty about curling up in the cotton sheets draped onto the floor. There was nowhere else to go without attracting anyone’s attention. Yes, they all probably thought me pathetic for hiding, but by the sound of it, our apartment wouldn’t be ours much longer. Then we’d lose so much. Then when I’d get to searching for something familiar to see or smell or hear, I wouldn’t be able to find it. I had to hide while I still could and hold on to what we had, while we had it.

“I’m just saying Olivine’s getting boring, and traveling with my closest friends sounds nice. To me, at least.”

“What? Olivine’s not boring, thank you very much. The sea is here.”

“Not the point, Kuiora,” Rennio said. “He wants to play the hero and help them at his own expense. Oh, and ours. Do you think—”

Atis raised his voice to interrupt Rennio. That was my cue to tune out the conversation completely; he only ever contributed to a serious conversation when he was obligated to play the middleman. I knew how things would play out: Atis would stutter, Ezrem would poke fun, Kuiora would scold both of them, and finally, the jokes would give way to quiet and everyone would go their separate ways until the tension blew up again later.

My back shivered, and I forced myself to focus on keeping my flames suppressed. Not that Trainer would’ve cared if his bed sheets caught fire and reduced the place to a pile of debris, blacker like charcoal, blacker than even the darkness around me. And if I were being honest? Right now, if Trainer ordered a fire blast out of me, I wouldn’t say no, wouldn’t question him unless I never saw a hint of regret afterward. Just how much did we mean to him? The answer to that seemed to depend on the day, ever changing like everything else about him.

As expected, Ezrem and Kuiora started bickering a few moments later. Covering my ears, their voices outside became simple background noise. Unfortunately, that left me alone with my thoughts, and my guilt—that familiar, bottomless pit of guilt—stormed in to chastise me. Trainer was suffering, too, wasn’t he? So how could I judge him so harshly at a time like this?

It was easy, far easier than it should’ve been. There were plenty of ways we could’ve worked through Senori’s death together. Silence was not one of them. We were supposed to be a team, after all. We were eight different bodies, all consumed by the same grief, but still we acted like strangers every time we bumped into each other. It was as if we didn’t trust each other to share in our loss, even if it meant healing and moving on.

I could only hope I was overreacting, and that Trainer hadn’t told us much so he could think on it more and avoid a scene. Rennio, excitable as ever, had stepped in to fill in the missing details first chance he got. Marty and Sasha wanted to chase down a long lost sibling? They were going to travel across Johto, searching for leads? They asked Trainer to be their travel companion because they were worried about him? And of course it was Marty and Sasha, because only they were capable of uprooting all the progress I’d made in life so far…

It seemed to be a trainer thing, disappointing pokémon. Marty gave up on the gym circuit dream years back after learning I didn’t care for him as a trainer, effectively screwing over everyone else on the team—two fliers, a swimmer, and a psychic. They needed open space; fire was best left contained.

As for Sasha, she had wanted to open up a florist shop for trainers to fly out to their loved ones as they traveled. She was going to get her degree in botany, adopt several grass-types from the Azalea shelter, build a massive greenhouse… but she gave up halfway through the paperwork for all these things.

Still, I couldn’t deny that I’d disappointed others as a pokémon just as often, if not more.

The bedroom door opened. Flinching, my paws instinctively latched onto the sheets and pulled them above my head, as if they’d transform into an invisible cloak if I willed them to.

“Oh, Gracie,” Trainer said, his tone flat. “So this is where you went.”

Whimpering, I lowered the sheets and caught a glimpse of him, his hair ragged and head tilted. At least he left the door cracked open so I could gauge his mood better, but then I had to deal with the team’s unhappy grumbling from the kitchen creeping in like a ghost.

“Yes…” I said, but I wasn’t loud enough to drown out the grumbling. I repeated myself and added, “Tired. A little bit sad. Maybe a little more than just a little bit. You know how it goes.”

“That I do,” Trainer said, a hint of a smile in there. “Want me to leave ‘em off as usual?”

“Hmm?”

“The lights, Gracie.”

Right. What else? Trainer noticed my preference for the darkness of his own accord long ago and had adapted to fumbling around, memorizing the location of everything, everywhere—in his own bedroom, and just for my sake. He never even asked me to light the way with my flames.

I nodded, realizing my mistake immediately, but the silence this time was enough. His hands grazed along the bumpy drywall he got permission to paint back when we first moved in and were motivated to make the place our own. Eventually I heard him switch to using the tips of his fingers only, like he was tracing veins on someone’s wrist and searching for their pulse.

When he reached the attached bathroom, he grabbed his electric toothbrush and leaned against the sink. His normal bedtime routine, except his toothbrush clinked against the counter before he picked it up again. No doubt Senori was on his mind; no doubt he’d bumped into a piece of his grief in the darkness when he least expected it; no doubt I’d get but a sigh in response if asked if he was all right.

I wanted to tell him I was there, too. That I felt what he felt, and maybe one of us felt a bit worse than the other or remembered a memory somewhat differently, but that wasn’t the point. I was there, really there, and ready to talk. Didn’t he know that? The darkness didn’t erase our existence.

Wordlessly, Trainer finished up in the bathroom and hopped into bed. He was careful to tiptoe his way there so as to not trip over anything… or anyone.

“It’s early, I know,” he said. Like he really knew the exact thing I was thinking of in that moment. “I’m meeting Mom tomorrow, though. Usual place, if you’re up for it.”

I frowned, remembering how Trainer was kind, yes, but almost to a fault. After everything his mother put him through, he still met with her every month at the Wavefront Café down on Beechwyn Avenue, names I only remember because they reminded me of the ocean and how the water felt caressing my paws. Trainer swore by their black coffee—nowhere else made it quite so bittersweet—and we always seemed to catch the waitress that assured Trainer’s mother that she’d put double provolone on her grilled chicken sandwich at no extra charge.

“Don’t know just yet,” I said slowly. It was the truth, at least. “You think you’ll need me there?”

“Need you?” Trainer said as I heard him lie down and position the comforter. “I mean, not really,” he finally answered.

“Oh. Well, in that case—”

“It’d just be nice to have you or someone around. That’s all I’m saying.”

Me or someone. Anyone. Whoever it was convenient for. His head sank into the pillow; my shoulders slumped.

I pushed down the sense of inadequacy swelling in my chest and focused on Trainer and his mom, alone together for the first time since Senori passed… A hug from most mothers could assuage their kid’s pain—just a tiny sliver, of course, but she’d carry the burden as long as she had to. Melanie Luart was a mother only capable of inflicting new kinds of pain and expecting Trainer to handle the weight of it alone.

“I can. I think. Probably best to wait until the morning to say for sure, but count me in for now.”

No response. My body seemingly slipped away from me as my mind demanded my full attention.

Marty and Sasha’s mom, she wore bangle bracelets that clinked as she walked because I’d flinch anytime she walked into the room unexpectedly. She passed them on to Sasha when she grew so frail it was a wonder there was anything left of her for her bones to support. And Marty told me a few times he missed how she never pushed him to talk when he only had the energy to offer a one-shouldered shrug. She had a knack for empathy that, from the sound of it, few others could match.

No, Melanie wasn’t anything like her. Instead, she reminded me of Marty and Sasha’s dad, the tyrant who shamelessly beat and bruised his children, his deep baritone voice enlightening them as to how little he cared for their existence every chance it got. It’d been years since Melanie had any real hold on Trainer, but I couldn’t imagine how he felt, exposing his sadness to the woman who’d done her fair share in building it up only to ignore it.

I couldn’t imagine what Marty and Sasha felt in their situation right now, either. I couldn’t even guess or ask or observe them from a hiding spot from another room in their house.

Despite myself, I suddenly found myself wanting be part of Marty’s team again, with Sasha and Marin and Halcyon and Peoria, all of them, just to know. Just to not be left in the dark.

*

As it turned out, when morning came I wasn’t up to being Trainer’s awkward third wheel at Wavefront.

I told him I’d tag along anyway with the most enthusiastic voice I could muster, because that’s what good pokémon do. They fight battles, physical or otherwise. If he found himself in the middle of some kind of war, I’d fight alongside him—or for him, if I could.

But my teammates hadn’t forgiven him for last night’s conversation, nor were they feeling generous. Ezrem was perched on the back of the couch, pecking at a bowl of cereal balancing on the edge of the armrest and looking Trainer square in the eye. His chewing was loud and obnoxious. And of course he just shrugged when a large crumb fell onto the floor and bounced a few inches. Leaving his own cereal on the table half-finished, Trainer disappeared into his bedroom wordlessly.

Shin munched away loudly as well, except on an unopened crate of tennis balls. Kuiora chuckled and plopped down next to him.

“We may have found the one thing he can’t tear through right away,” she said.

“It’s just plastic, isn’t it…?” Atis asked, taking a step toward Shin and tilting his head.

Shin growled and grabbed the crate in his paws, bounding over to Rennio near the apartment’s front door. He nearly tripped over himself in his excitement. His eyes pleading, he held the crate up to the elekid.

“I wanna see what happens when you give it a good shock, Rennio!” he said.

Rennio blinked, then offered a slight smile. “Not a good idea indoors like this… Sorry, buddy,” he said.

“Aw.” Shin looked this way and that, his gaze soon settling on me. A devilish grin spread across his face as he bounded over to me at the entrance to Trainer’s bedroom. “What about you, Gracie?”

“Fire’s not safe, either,” I said, waving him away.

In a rage, the totodile threw the crate of tennis balls on the ground. “You can summon your flames whenever you want. And we’ve got a fireplace,” he said. “Lame excuses, guys.”

“Give it a week or so. Then you’ll all be in the good ol’ wilderness all the time, just like me,” Ezrem piped in, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, because you’re exactly what we aspire to be,” I retorted.

“Hey, you’ve only got your old trainer to blame. Don’t know what his deal is, but…” Ezrem’s voice trailed off.

“But forgive us if we’re still a little skeptical of him. He was pretty mean to Sai years ago,” Kuiora finished on his behalf, followed by an affirmative grunt from Atis and Rennio.

I nodded stupidly. Perhaps this explained why the silence was bearable for them. They knew each other well enough to know what they were thinking without forming words and sentences to validate their suspicions. They knew what each other were feeling even if what they felt didn’t have a name.

If they all understood each other so well and this wasn’t just another kind of façade… that was great for them, less so for me. After all these years, was I really still so separate from them?

Just then, the door to Trainer’s bedroom opened. He stepped out, a shoulder bag slung over his back. I sidled slowly over to the front door to show him I wanted to bounce before another conversation could spark.

“Ah, sorry, Gracie. Had to find Glori’s ball and some papers I promised I’d bring Mom,” Trainer said sheepishly as he followed my lead. The crate of tennis balls rolled in front of his feet after Shin dropped it, but Trainer merely sidestepped it. Shin retrieved it himself, sticking his tongue out at Trainer.

“Oh?” Ezrem said, an eyebrow raised. “Well, look at that! Won’t be just Sai after all.”

“I think you should tag along, Ezrem,” Rennio quipped. “Get out of the house for a while, you know?”

“As if he doesn’t do that enough!” Kuiora said.

“That’s… the point of the joke, yeah.”

Kuiora offered another retort, but I tuned her out. “Glori wants to come? Really?” I asked Trainer.

He glanced down at me, brushing a lock of hair out of his face and waiting for a signal that it was okay to get going. From the glint in the light, it seemed he’d taken care to gel his in place, and in a new style—teased forward to give it a spiky appearance, but smooth on the side.

“Well…” His voice trailed off as I placed my paw on the door and we saw ourselves out. “I asked her to, and she didn’t say no, at least,” he finished in a whisper.

“Good enough for me.”

“Me, too.”

Wavefront was a quaint café, with bright yellow and baby blue walls. Beige bookshelves lined the front area and held seashells, postcards, travel guides, and other knickknacks that tourists could buy as gifts. The smell of mocha wafted in from the seating area, where several booths divided by wide aquariums took up a good portion of the wall space. Between the aquariums stood glass dividers, probably to prevent stealing, and so that pokémon didn’t have the means to battle and potentially destroy the café.

Trainer scanned the place, holding his hand above his eyes like he was looking out at the sea proper. I listened among the chitchat for a recognizable voice before the glow of a staryu’s core flashing caught my eye and distracted me. Its topmost appendage waved at me as it caught me staring, and I looked down out of embarrassment.

A hostess approached us then, asking us if Trainer was lost. She had to refer to him as “sir” three times before she broke his trance.

“I’m here to meet my mom,” he explained, not making eye contact with her. “Just looking for her.”

“Would she perhaps be on the freshwater or saltwater side?” she asked.

“Uh, freshwater.” Trainer fished Glori’s ball out of his bag and held it out for the hostess to take. I’ve been here before, but not with a water-type. I’m not sure how I…”

“Whatever you’ve got in there isn’t too big, I assume. Come this way, see if we can’t find your mom at the back.”

“Right. Thanks.”

The hostess nodded to me, which I took to mean I should subdue my flames a bit more than I already had. Non-trainer humans didn’t pay much attention to ‘mon around here unless they needed something from us. As we followed the hostess to the freshwater side of the dining area, a man paused halfway through a bite of smoked salmon to pull his table’s skirt inward just in time for me to pass by. I extinguished my flames completely, adding this encounter to the list of times people thought I’d gotten too close for comfort. The urge to want to fold inside myself and disappear made my heart race, and I counted thirty seconds before Trainer was seated across his mom and was explaining that she’d tried to find a secluded corner of the café out of habit more than anything.

“I guess I would’ve done the same,” Trainer said.

Bowls of food pellets sat at the end of the table closest to the aquarium, the usual goodies on the other end: menus, bread with butter packets, near empty bottles of ketchup and mustard, and silverware rolled up in thick napkins. Trainer leaned forward, rolling Glori’s pokéball back and forth in his hands instead of setting himself up to eat. Melanie, her eyes just as rich of a blue as Trainer’s, watched him as if he were swinging a pendulum around.

She gave Trainer a sympathetic glance and reached out to fold his hands over hers. “That’s the sweetie, huh,” she said.

“Yeah, this is Glori.” Trainer examined the area above our table’s aquarium for a moment, the bubbling of the filter like a soothing melody. “Oh, here we go,” he said, standing and reaching above his head to pull open a hatch. He aimed the pokéball’s light at the opening he’d just unveiled. In a flash of red light, Glori materialized inside the tank, the level of water rising slightly.

Melanie nodded at the magikarp. That was better than the absolute nothing I received as a greeting. Wasn’t she a fire-type trainer? If so, what was with the immense interest in Glori? Not knowing the answer to that question made my skin crawl.

I watched as she tapped her lips with the tip of her index finger, scrutinizing Glori’s movements. Like me, Glori wasn’t afraid to meet her gaze with a flair of skepticism to boot.

After a minute, Melanie cleared her thought, seemingly oblivious to the meaning of our body language. Her eyes scanned the rest of the aquarium. White gravel lined the bottom mixed with multicolored gems, bright as neon, along with chunks of driftwood molded into the shape of a cave. The place clearly ran a bit cheap with its artificial bamboo plants and anemones wavering lifelessly.

“Cute sign,” she finally said, pointing at a faded ‘no fishing’ sign plopped down crookedly near a decoration piece in the shape of a ship.

“Yeah. Not sure how many fishing fanatics are really around here, but yeah.”

Melanie grabbed a menu at the end of the table, but shoved it under a notebook and pen she’d been covering with her forearms before now. She didn’t bother to hand Trainer a menu of his own.

“So,” she said, “plain red and white pokéball.”

Trainer lifted the ball up, gaping at it like it wasn’t meant to be in his possession anymore. Shoving it back into his pocket, he grunted in affirmation and turned to me.

“If you’re hungry, come here,” he said, patting the cushioned seat next to him. All the awkwardness from this place so far melted away from me in an instant. I hopped up into the booth, climbing over his lap to claim the spot closest to the aquarium.

Glori swam over to me and plinked on the glass. “I know what you’re thinking,” she whispered. “Sai told me what was up beforehand. No need to worry.”

“Now I’m even more lost,” I said. “She can’t understand ‘mon, though, so. For you, no need to hush hush.”

Her mouth opened like she was gonna speak, a glistening bubble escaping and dancing toward the tank’s surface. Meanwhile, Melanie reiterated how Senori had caught Glori—as if Trainer needed another reminder of it—and asked how conscious Glori was at the time.

“And Sai can understand pokémon. Uh huh,” she said skeptically, then began to swim away to the other side of the tank, near Melanie.

“Okay,” Trainer started, taking a deep breath. “Fully conscious, she told me. Senori… Senori gave her a choice, and she agreed. No real battle involved. I guess Glori did ask other magikarp at the daycare what they thought, but no one batted an eye? Or a fin, even.” He offered a nervous chuckle, then continued, “So, uh, when she’s in there… It sounds nice, like I don’t have to feel bad about not having renovated the apartment yet.”

Melanie’s hand stopped as she looked up sharply from her notes. “And seems you might not even need to,” she said. “What’s it like inside?”

Trainer glanced at Glori, who was busy peering off into the distance, yet a slight twitch of her lips told me she was only pretending to not listen in.

“Any memory she wants,” he said, “she can have it. It can become real all over again, in a sense. A tap into her mind is all it takes to summon it in front of her, and she can’t change anything about it, just watch. Like us people at a… at a movie theater, and, you know…”

No, I didn’t know. And he didn’t finish his sentence for me to learn.

“What’s wrong?” Melanie asked, her eyes narrowing.

Trainer shook his head. “Nothing,” he said. “I just remembered I’ve never been to a movie theater still is all. Rennio and Ezrem talk about movies, or used to, I guess, because their old trainer was pretty into them.”

The waitress swung around, stopping the conversation for the moment as she offered each of them a full glass of water or another drink instead. She took their orders and turned to walk away. Except then Trainer reached out and lightly gripped her arm, murmuring a quick thank you before realizing his forwardness and hiding his arm under the table.

“Sorry,” he said, watching the hostess disappear around the corner. He took a long sip of his water and addressed his mother again. “You can imagine that Glori chooses to recall positive memories, for the most part.”

“For the most part.” Melanie leaned back in her seat, eyeing him like he was the one in the aquarium. Like he was the one on display and being interrogated about.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m not gonna pry into her personal life beyond that, you know?”

“Has she ever said anything on her own?” Melanie asked. Glancing in the direction of the aquarium, she tutted when Glori turned the other way.

“Little things here and there.” He shrugged. “It doesn’t seem like anything catastrophic has happened in her lifetime, though, if that’s what you mean. Dunno how much that helps, but I’m glad for that.”

“I see.”

Melanie closed her notebook, resting her pen inside its side binding. Though she had a blank stare on her face and bit her lip as if contemplating something, she said nothing else.

Beside us, Glori gulped. “This is normal, I take it?”

Trainer opened his mouth to answer, but couldn’t, not without his mother having every opportunity to tune in and wrest an explanation out of him.

“Yeah,” I said for him, because I knew what she meant. Was it normal for her to converse with her son about everything except him? “Yeah, it is.”

If Trainer and her ever talked about their past, about how she locked him up in the secret Mahogany headquarters in the basement like an animal at her disposal, I didn’t know. Sometimes I imagined the two of them spoke in code in front of me, since Kaloseux phrases often slipped in their conversations. Trainer mentioned once he’d like to become bilingual again if he had a real reason to, and I hoped that didn’t mean meeting up with her more.

“What if she was unconscious? Sounds like it would’ve been bad,” he said, a little too loudly, a little too quickly.

“Naturally, then, the unconscious would dominate what’s perceived in the pokéball.” Melanie sat up straight, the cushion on her seat frayed in multiple spots. “For better or for worse.”

Trainer didn’t have anything to say to that.

“So, that’s my job,” she went on. “To define the better scenario and the worst scenario, and discern how to increase the likelihood of the former. Have you read any of my articles yet?”

“Huh? Oh, I… I try. But it’s hard to focus on them,” he said. I nuzzled the top of my head against Trainer’s bare arm, recalling several nights in which he mentioned heading to bed to the team but stayed up for a few hours afterward to read by lamplight. Unbeknownst to even me, he was apparently reading his mother’s published works and digesting other kinds of research and experiments she did these days.

Laughing, Melanie said, “Can’t say I blame you. The academic world could stand to teach and accept less dry writing styles.”

Wanting to tell her that wasn’t the reason at all, I sidled closer to Trainer. And I planned to stay until he told me it was uncomfortable or that he wanted me to go.

The conversation veered away from Glori and about pokéballs in general, until the two of them received their food and had a proper excuse to divide their attention between talking and eating. Melanie delved into the theory and history of pokéballs, gushing about how their normal design came from voltorb and altering their electrical makeup to reduce the likelihood of short circuiting, then exploding. The name magearna was thrown around, too, in relation to it being subject to collecting the life energy of pokémon and humans, all the while having the appearance of a pokéball as it slept. Her enthusiasm for methods aimed at controlling such excesses of energy made me shiver.

Eventually, Trainer paused halfway through lifting his last forkful of scrambled eggs, then let the piece of silverware fall back to his plate with a loud clank.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just, you know, silly of me, that I haven’t asked Glori if she’s hungry or wants to go back in her ball.”

“I’d say we’re ready to wrap up with the check, anyway.”

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s do that. I’ll see you in a couple days, so double what I usually do in a week.” Trainer forced a smile and moved to recall Glori through the aquarium’s latch. His fingers shook all the while.

Melanie raised an eyebrow. “You could always bring a bottle of pellets from here back with you. My treat, if you want.”

“That’s all right. I can take care of her,” Trainer said quickly. “We’re not low at home or anything. Quite the opposite.”

Reaching out and placing a hand on his shoulder, his mom said, “Relax, Sai. I’m not going to take her.”

I did a double take. Did that mean she’d thought about it?

“No, you’re not.” Trainer sighed, his shoulders slumping. “So, the birthday thing’s at Clauncher’s Hook. Nine on Saturday, okay? Not Friday like I thought Jasmine told me before.”

“Got it. I’ll make sure to have a bit of cash on me this time.”

“Oh,” Trainer said, meeting my gaze for a brief moment before closing his eyes. “Forgot about that. As usual.”

A pause, then it hit me as Trainer practically broke into a jog to rush out of the café. Not only was he helping his mom with her research, but she was helping to pay for… something of his. Rent, probably. Trainer skipped work too much, and it wasn’t our job to worry, but it was our prerogative to worry about why he wasn’t worried. I sprinted after him myself, deciding it was best not to press any more buttons for him right this instant.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Summer 2018 Awards Judge Review (Best Character-Driven Fic)​

Hi, @diamondpearl876! I would very much like to leave individual reviews for each chapter in the future, but it might be a while before I can dedicate time to that. In the meantime, I hope my judge commentary provides you with some useful pointers and something of an ego boost. Congrats on your victory, it's well-deserved.

***​

I'd like to start by acknowledging that I've not read Survival Project, the story to which Phantom Project is a sequel. I would have loved to, but unfortunately I've been trying to make course deadlines, find a job, move house and arrange various critical social occasions, else I certainly would have done so. Kris's writing is easily good enough to merit my full attention beyond judging responsibilities. Nevertheless, I am conducting this judge review without the perspective afforded should I have read the full background.

Being a sequel, I expected to be somewhat disoriented, but Kris has done a fair job of filling in the reader on the key information from the original story. This comes, in all fairness, at a cost. The introduction of several characters at once in the opening chapter is a little awkward, to put it gently. In addition, Kris's prose is naturally introspective, and the need to focus on context from Survival Project makes it even more so, as her chief method of filling in the reader is further introspection.

Having said that, the introspection is a smooth read, without technical errors or frustrating tics of any kind. I can criticise it only for lack of variance and for, on occasion, going on so long as to rob me of a sense of place and time. In fact, Kris's prose is strong across the board, with a competent writing style, distinct character voice, functional and sometimes beautiful description, solidly authentic dialogue, and indeed worthwhile introspection. The only serious weakness in Kris's prose is the lengthy exposition provided almost entirely inside the head of the narrating pokémon.

Phantom Project is told from the perspectives of different pokémon, in rotation. I very much enjoy mon-centric fic, and what I enjoy most about it is essentially counterfactual speculation about the relationship between humans and pokémon. In this case, the pokémon characters are only incidentally the combat sport team of their trainer, and are more generally his friends, found-family, and service animals. The implementation of this dynamic is touching, convincing, and entertaining, but it's not often close in tone to what I'd expect in a pokémon fanfiction.

The reason I say this is because the pokémon in PP feel very much like humans. They think a lot — and sometimes talk — about the differences between them and humans, but their physical and mental differences only infrequently matter a great deal. Although Sai's ability to communicate with them is a particular gift, and supposedly they are conversing in pokéspeech, it still means that a very large part of the dialogue in the story is relayed to the reader as perfectly articulate Standard English without any difficulties in communication arising from it. It means that I am continually inclined to treat the pokémon as full persons.

Since pokémon in the setting of PP are essentially fully sapient and fully able to communicate on a human level with their trainer, I would expect some discussion to be had of their rights and privileges, or for there to be objections raised about their relationship to humans, but what introspection or discussion there is, is limited and secondary to the main thrust of the story. I consider this a weakness, but it's difficult to fault Kris for this considering that it is more or less within the confines of most fans' expectations based on canon.

The main thrust that I mention is the decline in health and eventual passing of Sai's first pokémon, Senori the furret, and the effect that this has on Sai and his other pokémon. The portrayal of grief, of failing mental health, of anger and misery directed by characters at those they care about in times of emotional distress, the pain of loss, feelings of shame and guilt, even the awkwardness brought about by not knowing acceptable ways to interact during times of tension — all these things are put forth brilliantly. Each character's response to tragedy is fully realised and entirely separate from one another.

I expected to have difficulty becoming sufficiently attached to the characters in a short enough time to be invested in the above. Kris managed to engineer this primarily through verisimilitude to the irrational yet entirely intuitive feelings of real people, found everywhere in all of her characters. Their interactions and headspaces are convincing and ring true. I find I care very much about this human and his pokémon, although I stopped short of shedding tears, I'm afraid. This, along with the chapter structure, made it such that the trauma of Senori's passing felt more like a memory than a newly presented piece of sorrowful prose.

The chapter structure I refer to is a system wherein each chapter is preceded by a flashback to provide context. This certainly assisted with my orientation to the characters and their history. It also shows Kris's versatility not just in character voice but in different POVs entirely. The changing POVs were handled well, in my opinion, and were a necessary and useful device.

However, after five chapters, the story has plot arrive. Until this point, the fic was entirely about the anticipation of, experience of, and grief over Senori's death. After this point, it would seem the story is now becoming about a new journey. I'm not sure what to make of this shifting focus. I felt as if the story was perhaps going to come to a close soon, as the death sunk in fully, but now it would seem the story is only now truly beginning, and the heart-tugging material so far was largely prologue.

Senori's death has another problem as the centre of the fic. His health condition was dementia (it is never specified what kind, although as a pokémon it's not to be expected that it would be well understood), but dementia on its own is not a cause of death as I understand it. The word is used often, even as the effects are danced about in conversation. I feel that this approach is neither fully overt enough to be blunt, nor covert enough to be subtle. I feel that the decision to provide euthanasia to Senori is a sufficiently serious and emotionally loaded topic as to be an exceptional opportunity for Kris to flex her writers chops, but it is only very faintly implied, to the point where I'm not actually sure whether I was supposed to believe that's what happened. In fact, the moment of death isn't shown in the prose, a decision that has some merit considering that the presented alternative was to focus on a pokémon who was deliberately absent, but this also forces the reader to be involuntarily absent from the most key event of all.

Some other, more loosely collected thoughts I had are to follow.

The story has a fun opener about Sai's pokémon being illegal due to bureaucracy. The worldbuilding is an occasional delight in PP, even if it disappoints from time to time. Having to own a breeder's license to get around the six-mon limit, in order to maintain guardianship of a young pokémon was my favourite.

The presentation of Sai's trauma and bipolar disorder is handled sensitively and powerfully.

It's nice to be pleasantly surprised by innovations such as a bold and confident magikarp, a pokémon that murdered his former trainer, recent-gen pokémon in johto, and so on.

I have no idea what the title refers to, but I am prepared to overlook this.

I'd like to finish my commentary on Phantom Project by saying that I find the characterisation and character-based events to be consistently strong and to affect me emotionally. There are many deeply touching moments, no longer than they need to be, and neither do they stray into melodrama. I consider this fic to be an excellent contender in this category of fanfiction, on the strength of its excellent characters and the empathy it dragged from my heart for the sake of their distinct and personal pain.

Phantom Project is a killer fanfic. It's pretty much written for this category, considering that it is not only very well written character-heavy fic, but rotates between characters to explore their relationships with eachother and their reactions to trauma and grief. It is practically only deeply touching character-focused material, and while it is certainly not perfect (I will be providing Kris with analytical critique over the next month with any luck and I hope she will use it to polish some things up) it is undeniably very good. I found it a genuine pleasure to read this piece, and I regret that I have not already hurried to read the rest of Kris's work, particularly the predecessor to PP.

I will most certainly be reading Survival Project in the future, and any further updates to Phantom Project.

 

[Ambyssin]

Hello! You managed to roll an Amby on your Judge-Check, so I am here to provide feedback. I really hope that D&D reference was right or I'm gonna look really stupid.

Preface
Funnily enough, like with uA I went into this without having read Survival Project. I had glanced at the first chapter back on Serebii in Januaray, riiiiight before I tapered off my reviewing levels for the sake of my sanity. It ended up on the backburner after that. I'm aware that reading it would've greatly enhance my knowledge and understanding of this story and, thus, probably help me judge better. But given the timetable and that the judging deadline was not ideal for me, I had to skip right to what was eligible. I will try to offer the best feedback that I can here.

Plot
While it has recently started to shift gears, the bulk of what's available at the moment is centered on the death of Senori the Furret from an unspecified type of dementia. As a quick scientific nitpick/tangent "dementia" doesn't really work as a diagnosis because, in reality, it refers to a group of diseases that can cause this progressive cognitive decline. I realize it's happening to a Pokémon, but as someone who lost a dog to degenerative myelitis (which is rather specific) there's no reason for me to think that Senori's dementia can't be attributed properly to a disease. From what you show of him, it mostly closely resembles Alzheimer's. I get the feeling that the average reader wouldn't care about something like this, but as it's foundational to the plot I felt I had to bring it up.

The other point I guess I should bring up is the fact that, while I'm not necessarily bothered by it, I know there are readers who take offense to and understand there can be some uncomfortable ethical questions behind the whole Pokémon having human-level intelligence while not being equal under the law thing. Which is what seems to be the case in your story. Like I said, this is Pokémon and I'm not about to start an existential debate over it. I was just curious if Survival Project had touched on this at all or if it's being given the Shrug of God, so to speak.

Anyway, as stated above, this plot involves Senori's death. More specifically, we find ourselves treated to the perspectives of multiple members of trainer Sai's team as they try to grapple with the loss of their friend, as well as the emotional toll it has on Sai himself. While it is true that a great deal of this emotional baggage is being carried over from events in Survival Project, what you present me with in this work is raw enough and real enough to not only hit home but hit home hard despite my lack of familiarity with the cast of characters. I should confess that, aside from my dog, I lost two grandparents, including one to Parkinson's Disease… which rarely progresses far enough in a patient for signs of dementia to start materializing, but my grandpa was one of those special cases as he "fought the good fight" for thirty-five years (being a doctor probably helped). I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, despite the fact that a lot of the sentiments being expressed are those of Pokémon, the reactions to Senori's declining health and eventual death all felt very realistic. They certainly brought to mind the ways I saw family and friends reacting at funeral services and the days following.

Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I know you're studying psychology and I did see some of the Kübler-Ross model in play here… whether it's Gracie's denial that Senori's slipping away and, thus, avoidance of visiting him at the hospital or Ezrem's anger toward Senori about getting a condition he can't help with or Atis' (fairly weak) attempts to bargain/wriggle his way out of fulfilling Senori's "last will" or Sai's and Kuiora's general depression and sadness about the whole affair. It's all handled very well. As I said before, the fact that it is a mostly-Pokémon cast and not humans may turn some people off, I'm sure, but I thought it struck a lot of familiar cords.

By jumping perspectives, you keep the grief and mourning aspect relatively fresh, though others may certainly disagree. Because each character uses their time to reflect on past events, both prior to meeting Sai and during their time under his care. There's a lot of baggage that comes with each character, but to your credit, you always directly reference what happens, whether it's through a character's POV or through one of the flashbacks starting each part off. In that regard, there were a lot of gaps filled in for me that I greatly appreciate. I'm sure I'd get the most enjoyment out of it having read Survival Project first, but going into this blind, I felt like I knew what I needed to know about each character to get in their headspace.

That said, I'm not entirely sure of what to think about the direction the fic is starting to move in. The last two chapters introduce the idea that Sai (and his team) will be joining Marty and Sasha in their hunt for a long-lost sibling. The premise alone sounds like something ripped right out of a Hollywood movie. I do like that the Pokémon themselves are notamused by this premise at all, and that there's a fair amount of tension in these last couple of chapters to suggest we're in for a rocky road. Still, I was a bit surprised by this shift. The impression I got was that this would be a shorter story focused around Senori's death and the associated greeting. But it seems like that was just a preamble to something bigger. It strikes me as an odd pivot at this point. One that makes for a good story, I suppose, but that doesn't scream "realistic" to me. I get the feeling grief and loss will still be very present as themes throughout this, but I worry that, as the story drags, the hard-hitting, deeply emotional early chapters will lose some of their impact.

Setting
This is one element I didn't have very many thoughts on. This seems like your pretty typical Johto… nothing too far out there to make it original aside from the interior of a hospital being described. Most setting descriptions seemed to lean on the minimal side, which works well so as not to interfere with the flow of the dialogue, but it did make it hard for me to visualize what was happening. For example, I couldn't for the life of me get a sense of just how Sai's apartment was laid out and what its size was like. Likewise, the lighthouse is usually just glossed over, with me being expected to just form up an idea of what it looks like on my own. Brass Tower was described nicely, though.

Characterization
This is the big one, given the category. Yes, I'm sure I'd have a lot more to say here if I read Survival Project, but I do think that the characters still shine even if you go into the story blind. Part of that's helped with the fact that the story directly tells us the past tragedies that each character experienced. As an example, I was quite taken aback at a potential spoiler for Love and Other Nightmares that I would never have been able to guess, that factors heavily into Rennio's and Ezrem's characters.

In general, I'd say with the chapters we have that the cast is balanced pretty well in terms of how often they're featured. Gracie is the lone 'mon to get two chapters with her POV, but one is before Senori's death and one after, making them feel very different. And I get the sense that you are starting a second round with each 'mon getting another chapter to themselves, so it's a matter of time before that evens out. Now, I will confess that, looking at my notes, there's a bit of a formula to how each character acts when given a turn at a POV. They all reflect a little bit on what's happening in the now (usually something trivial), converse with one or two team members, reflect on Senori, and then think about their own life circumstance and how things changed when they met Sai.

This could easily have made things very boring, but you do a good job giving each 'mon a very different personality and saddling each one with different struggles. Continuing my example, Rennio and Ezrem both lost their original trainer in a fire (which Ezrem apparently caused), but while the former constantly ruminates about it and thinks conflicting thoughts about what would happen if she were still alive, the latter doesn't like dwelling on the past (or even the present) and always feels the need to plan for the future. While Rennio has found two elekid friends in the lighthouse, Ezrem continues to remain an aloof loner, save for his mating with Kuiora and having a kid.

Sai himself is an interesting study, being presented as having bipolar disorder and having attempted suicide at one point, only for Ezrem to evolve to save him at the last moment. Despite not getting his perspective, his Pokémon make their concerns about him perfectly clear. The impression I got was that, in spite of the group's collective (and separate) struggles, they all expressed care for Sai in some manner, like with Kuiora sticking by his side during the funeral. In some regards, I actually found myself a bit worried, wondering if there was a "caregiver fatigue" sort of issue going on where Sai's condition was actually exhausting his 'mons but they refused to acknowledge it. I think it really came down to Sai's general depressive state and how multiple members of the group harped on it during their respective POV chapters. It raised a few red flags for me, just with how much it seemed like he was leaning on his team for support. That nagging feeling might not exist if I read Survival Project, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.

The one odd piece in the puzzle for me is Glori, the magikarp that Senori catches to "replace him," essentially. I think her interactions with the team are pretty good so far… except she has this tendency to psychoanalyze them. Which stretches my willful suspension of disbelief too far, since she's a magikarp and I can't imagine one being that wise and witty. It's just… very strange to hear her offer insight into, say, Ezrem's mind when, by all accounts, he has more life experience than she does and has been through quite a lot more. It just rubbed me the wrong way, though that might've been the point. Maybe it's supposed to be ridiculous on purpose? I mean... the idea of a Furret leading a team of 'mons that are much stronger on paper would be a head-scratcher to an external observer. I suppose Glori, being a magikarp, channels some of that spirit?

Writing Style & Technical Stuff
Since the fic jumps POVs with every chapter, it's always interesting to read. While there aren't any significant stylistic changes between each POV, the characterization keeps things lively. Gracie, for example, never refers to Sai by his actual name. Kuiora has some rather dorkish tendencies and her POV once has her lapse into a bout of architectural fangirling that I got a kick out of. The dialog also shines. It honestly feels a lot like the kinds of quiet, reserved conversations that you'd have with family or friends after losing a loved one. I think the exception is with Glori, for reasons stated above. Some of her witty moments gel alright with the main cast (like with Ezrem at the memorial service), but overall her psychoanalysis reads as rather stiff and oddly-clinical for me.

I'd say the quality of the writing has been roughly the same throughout the fic. I didn't really feel like there were any substantial differences between the most recent chapter and the first one, both of which were Gracie's POV. Though I know you make plenty of edits and revisions, so that may just speak to the quality of said edits. Likewise, I didn't notice any technical issues pop up at all, though I profess to be really bad at spotting those.

Closing Thoughts
Phantom Project is a hard-hitting story revolving around the grief of losing a loved one and seeing the ripple effects that it creates. While I'm not entirely sure what your endgame is with the shift toward this journey to find a lost family member, I can't deny that what we have so far is a series of parts where the cast is force to confront their conflicting emotions over their leader's death and try to reconcile their own tragic pasts. It makes for a tough read, for sure, but I think it's worth it in the end. With that said, congratulations on your victory in Best Character-Driven. If you have any questions or would like clarification, let me know. ^^

 

[kintsugi]

coming in hot for those dementia memes
I reviewed the first few chapters already, apparently?? I think that my thoughts on them aren't going to get phrased any better if I write them out a second time, so for the most part skipping those lol.

earlier chapters
I still think that the wording in the intro is a little forced -- every name gets dropped, and then "the [species] [actioned]". I understand your struggle with trying to catch readers up on the entirety of SP in the span of a few paragraphs, but I think you can probably take the intro a bit slower here.

dementia and other such nightmares

the meme that launched a hundred memes

Trainer was doing everything right, but Senori was still dying.

The shock registered on Trainer's face before he could hide it. The corners of his mouth lifted and the mask faded just as quick as Senori's memory.

hahahahahafuck this story still hits like a truck

His knees were raised and when Glori said anything, he wrapped his arms around them and leaned in to hear better. Yeah... Sai had changed, too.

hahaha I love this characterization bit, and I fully expect this conversation to get a gut-punching flashback in glori's chapter

flying-type, he found it difficult to navigate in the dark

tbt to when we tried to put as many fic titles in our RP paragraphs; i see now that i was clearly outclassed

chapter four

answers were supposed to swift and sharp

accidentally a word here

I love the intro section here. It's almost cheating to have a psychiatrist talk to your characters because then you can literally have them say their philosophies without it feeling awkward, but you do it so cleverly here that I'm just mad I didn't think of it myself. The line about either getting better//not is a really poignant divide since this feels like a story that's going to turn that mentality on its head, but Sai mentioning that it's "meaningless chatter" adds a neat layer to it, as well.

and it's a kuiora chapter i'm hyped

and it's the funeral chapter FUCK
more serious/less shitposting thoughts after this line
---
I like this chapter. There are a lot of ways that you could've made The Funeral Chapter feel like it was trying to punch the tears out of me, but you didn't, and I appreciated it. This was somber but not earth-shattering, sad but not heartbreaking. I quite liked it that way. I dunno. To me it was morose, but in a numb way. It's hard to really pick up that any of the characters believe that Senori is dead here, and I think that's the point.

I'm also a fan of the non-western funeral approach here. It serves like six purposes -- it's original compared to staple burial scenes with black umbrellas and rain; it's a nice tidbit of worldbuilding for your Johto; it's more conflict because wtFFF Sai nooo bby don't keep secrets from your fam still (((

the tip of my tail scraped the bottom of the tree remembrance in the process, and I jumped back, hoping nobody else had noticed I’d just desecrated the memorial

stop making me laugh when i'm supposed to be sad i'm not used to this much emotional involvement

Okay, I could’ve explained to him how humans are way different than pokémon, but that almost felt like a lie. We can think and talk just as well as any human, unlike animals, and with our power to boot, I’m not entirely sure why pokémon ended up being trained and not the other way around. Whoever invented the pokéball must have been scared of us and wanted to contain our power.

This actually brings up a really interesting question that I'm curious to see how you'll address later as the story progresses. I feel like a few reviews have already pointed out that the pokemon here don't really feel like non-humans -- they're just creatures who sometimes have wings or eggs that hatch into small children, but feel decidedly human, so I won't spend too much time ragging on the narrative implications of that, but from a worldbuilding perspective, it is really weird that they're treated as lesser beings here. Pokemon in this universe are aware of their own existence/mortality; can form complex emotions such as pride, guilt, and grief; and can clearly sustain/take care of themselves, yet in many cases they're treated as second-class citizens (even beyond the pokeballs/cock fighting aspects, PP opens up with the idea that pokemon can be "illegal" because they aren't properly owned by their humans).

and like lol, i feel like most fics here have that issue, and as far as offering advice for how to improve it, i sort of just wave a stick at it in my own stories and hope that no one notices, but here I feel like the sheer depth of character that you convey in each of these characters inherently shoots you in the foot a little. The idea that an entire society of these superpowered non-human characters interacting with a society of equally complex human characters, and this society somehow results in the non-humans being second-class citizens and yet being totally okay with it is a little weird to me. There's a logical suspension of disbelief that can be made because, hey, it's Pokemon, but if your pokemon characters keep questioning it like this, it gets a little harder to ignore.

Anyway. Small qualms. I don't really have many criticisms to make here except that reading this fic in one sitting starts to hurt my heart a little bit and it's hard to read chapters back to back because of how emotionally taxing I find it , but that's entirely the point of it. I love the character interactions, I love that the events of SP are still fueling developments here, I love that they're so detailed and intricate and look at things in their own way, I love your prose and your knack for describing things in unique ways, etc etc. Thanks for writing this.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, @diamondpearl876! I would very much like to leave individual reviews for each chapter in the future, but it might be a while before I can dedicate time to that. In the meantime, I hope my judge commentary provides you with some useful pointers and something of an ego boost. Congrats on your victory, it's well-deserved.

This review was certainly more than enough! Much appreciated.

Being a sequel, I expected to be somewhat disoriented, but Kris has done a fair job of filling in the reader on the key information from the original story. This comes, in all fairness, at a cost. The introduction of several characters at once in the opening chapter is a little awkward, to put it gently. In addition, Kris's prose is naturally introspective, and the need to focus on context from Survival Project makes it even more so, as her chief method of filling in the reader is further introspection.

Yeahhh, that opening is something I definitely need to fix. My thought is to add more to the scene and space out the introductions, since I'd really still like to have them all introduced before we dive into the chapter 1 proper.

Having said that, the introspection is a smooth read, without technical errors or frustrating tics of any kind. I can criticise it only for lack of variance and for, on occasion, going on so long as to rob me of a sense of place and time. In fact, Kris's prose is strong across the board, with a competent writing style, distinct character voice, functional and sometimes beautiful description, solidly authentic dialogue, and indeed worthwhile introspection. The only serious weakness in Kris's prose is the lengthy exposition provided almost entirely inside the head of the narrating pokémon.

I've been told my prose meanders a fair amount, so this isn't surprising. :V I'm glad it's a smooth and interesting read, though. I'll work on focusing outside of narration a bit more, striking a balance.

Phantom Project

is told from the perspectives of different pokémon, in rotation. I very much enjoy mon-centric fic, and what I enjoy most about it is essentially counterfactual speculation about the relationship between humans and pokémon. In this case, the pokémon characters are only incidentally the combat sport team of their trainer, and are more generally his friends, found-family, and service animals. The implementation of this dynamic is touching, convincing, and entertaining, but it's not often close in tone to what I'd expect in a pokémon fanfiction.

The reason I say this is because the pokémon in PP feel very much like humans. They think a lot — and sometimes talk — about the differences between them and humans, but their physical and mental differences only infrequently matter a great deal. Although Sai's ability to communicate with them is a particular gift, and supposedly they are conversing in pokéspeech, it still means that a very large part of the dialogue in the story is relayed to the reader as perfectly articulate Standard English without any difficulties in communication arising from it. It means that I am continually inclined to treat the pokémon as full persons.

Since pokémon in the setting of PP are essentially fully sapient and fully able to communicate on a human level with their trainer, I would expect some discussion to be had of their rights and privileges, or for there to be objections raised about their relationship to humans, but what introspection or discussion there is, is limited and secondary to the main thrust of the story. I consider this a weakness, but it's difficult to fault Kris for this considering that it is more or less within the confines of most fans' expectations based on canon.

And here's the big one. The idea is somewhat explored in in Survival Project. Avoiding spoilers as best I can for an example, the pokémon are without a trainer for a relatively extended period of time, and they aren't accustomed to the wild as a whole, so they venture into town to try to ask people for assistance in finding their trainer, food, etc. But there's a huge language barrier, and one lady mistakes them for rodents that weaseled their way into the house, subsequently sweeping them out with brooms. I don't know if you think that sort of thing works, but if so, I can try to incorporate that more. Marty and Sasha don't know how to communicate with pokémon here, and they'll be around a lot, so there'd be plenty of opportunity to implement stuff like that. As for the communication, it has a lot to do with exposure to pokémon. The more time you spend with them, the more fluently their language becomes apparent to you. I've never really felt inclined to add bits about it in the narration because my writing has a way of meandering and over-complicating little details like that as it is.

But since that's the crux of why such a divide exists between sentient pokémon and humans, perhaps I could stand to add more in there. I mentioned it on Discord, but I always envisioned the divide to be because a large portion of the population isn't involved with pokémon enough to know just how sentient they are. Like in real life, the biggest difference between animals and humans is a lack of spoken language. Sure, pokémon might be able to perform jobs and control their powers in ways a real life animal couldn't dream of, but there's real life precedent for such ideas (service animals, classical/operant/etc conditioning, and other forms of training) that people can attribute a pokémon's actions to here. There's some progression in the worldbuilding as to educating humans how sentient pokémon are and petitions to change accompanying laws regarding them, but... at this time, it's just not been relevant enough to the events of the story to delve into it.

As for other stuff I could put in the story to hint at this, I could have:

- the characters, through narration when appropriate, reminiscence on their early days in life and learning about human objects as well as the first times they started communicating with humans and/or other pokémon
- add more of each character's animalistic traits. I kinda try to do this with Shin/Kuiora and their teeth and taking cares of eggs and stuff, along with Gracie controlling the fire on her back, but not much else, I think.

I dunno, thoughts?

The main thrust that I mention is the decline in health and eventual passing of Sai's first pokémon, Senori the furret, and the effect that this has on Sai and his other pokémon. The portrayal of grief, of failing mental health, of anger and misery directed by characters at those they care about in times of emotional distress, the pain of loss, feelings of shame and guilt, even the awkwardness brought about by not knowing acceptable ways to interact during times of tension — all these things are put forth brilliantly. Each character's response to tragedy is fully realised and entirely separate from one another.

I expected to have difficulty becoming sufficiently attached to the characters in a short enough time to be invested in the above. Kris managed to engineer this primarily through verisimilitude to the irrational yet entirely intuitive feelings of real people, found everywhere in all of her characters. Their interactions and headspaces are convincing and ring true. I find I care very much about this human and his pokémon, although I stopped short of shedding tears, I'm afraid. This, along with the chapter structure, made it such that the trauma of Senori's passing felt more like a memory than a newly presented piece of sorrowful prose.

The memory thing is purposeful for an overarching theme that'll be explored later on as well. Sometimes a way of dealing with grief is to detach yourself from it, after all. Anyway, I'm glad the emotions and character interactions worked for the most part. :3

The chapter structure I refer to is a system wherein each chapter is preceded by a flashback to provide context. This certainly assisted with my orientation to the characters and their history. It also shows Kris's versatility not just in character voice but in different POVs entirely. The changing POVs were handled well, in my opinion, and were a necessary and useful device.

Glad to hear it! I've not delved into third person much before these flashbacks... that, and having them every chapter could have been jarring. But I try to make sure each one has a purpose and is snappy + to the point so that readers can get to the meat of the present moment.

However, after five chapters, the story has plot arrive. Until this point, the fic was entirely about the anticipation of, experience of, and grief over Senori's death. After this point, it would seem the story is now becoming about a new journey. I'm not sure what to make of this shifting focus. I felt as if the story was perhaps going to come to a close soon, as the death sunk in fully, but now it would seem the story is only now truly beginning, and the heart-tugging material so far was largely prologue.

The idea is that grief lasts, but life has to move on somehow regardless. You can't let your life come to a complete standstill because you lose someone. I don't know if I'd call it a prologue, since the grief will be present throughout the fic, but yes, a lot of this has been setting the scene, so to speak, because I don't think things should stop right when Senori's life has, too. I don't know if I've made this clear enough, but it's not meant to come across as if anyone's properly grieved over his death or feel at a point where they can "move on", for lack of a better term. Having gone through an immense amount of grief myself over the years, it'd feel inappropriate to me to end it here.

Senori's death has another problem as the centre of the fic. His health condition was dementia (it is never specified what kind, although as a pokémon it's not to be expected that it would be well understood), but dementia on its own is not a cause of death as I understand it. The word is used often, even as the effects are danced about in conversation. I feel that this approach is neither fully overt enough to be blunt, nor covert enough to be subtle. I feel that the decision to provide euthanasia to Senori is a sufficiently serious and emotionally loaded topic as to be an exceptional opportunity for Kris to flex her writers chops, but it is only very faintly implied, to the point where I'm not actually sure whether I was supposed to believe that's what happened. In fact, the moment of death isn't shown in the prose, a decision that has some merit considering that the presented alternative was to focus on a pokémon who was deliberately absent, but this also forces the reader to be involuntarily absent from the most key event of all.

Good point. Yeah, there's hints that it's not well understood. I don't think euthanasia would suffice here, otherwise Ezrem could've been given ample opportunity to stop hiding and actually be told about what was going to happen, then be given the choice to show up. My thought was that the late stages of dementia destroy your immune system, most or all cognitive functions, and most or all physical functions... so once those start to hit, it's clear that death is imminent. I like the idea of adding more to the diagnosis and progression, though, to add more worldbuilding and depth to the idea, so I'll see what I can do in future edits.

I'd like to finish my commentary on Phantom Project by saying that I find the characterisation and character-based events to be consistently strong and to affect me emotionally. There are many deeply touching moments, no longer than they need to be, and neither do they stray into melodrama. I consider this fic to be an excellent contender in this category of fanfiction, on the strength of its excellent characters and the empathy it dragged from my heart for the sake of their distinct and personal pain.

Phantom Project is a killer fanfic. It's pretty much written for this category, considering that it is not only very well written character-heavy fic, but rotates between characters to explore their relationships with eachother and their reactions to trauma and grief. It is practically only deeply touching character-focused material, and while it is certainly not perfect (I will be providing Kris with analytical critique over the next month with any luck and I hope she will use it to polish some things up) it is undeniably very good. I found it a genuine pleasure to read this piece, and I regret that I have not already hurried to read the rest of Kris's work, particularly the predecessor to PP.

I will most certainly be reading Survival Project in the future, and any further updates to Phantom Project.

Thanks so much! <3 Your insight has definitely been helpful, and if you do have a response for me, I'd appreciate it. I think I have a better idea of how to move forward, but bouncing ideas back and forth never hurts.

Hello! You managed to roll an Amby on your Judge-Check, so I am here to provide feedback. I really hope that D&D reference was right or I'm gonna look really stupid.

If it wasn't right, it's okay because I've never played D&D and have no idea. XD

Preface

Funnily enough, like with uA I went into this without having read Survival Project. I had glanced at the first chapter back on Serebii in Januaray, riiiiight before I tapered off my reviewing levels for the sake of my sanity. It ended up on the backburner after that. I'm aware that reading it would've greatly enhance my knowledge and understanding of this story and, thus, probably help me judge better. But given the timetable and that the judging deadline was not ideal for me, I had to skip right to what was eligible. I will try to offer the best feedback that I can here.

Yeah, no worries there. I've tried to make Phantom Project readable on its own and provide background for new readers as best I can for this reason! Er, well, not specifically for the awards, but you know what I mean.

Plot

While it has recently started to shift gears, the bulk of what's available at the moment is centered on the death of Senori the Furret from an unspecified type of dementia. As a quick scientific nitpick/tangent "dementia" doesn't really work as a diagnosis because, in reality, it refers to a group of diseases that can cause this progressive cognitive decline. I realize it's happening to a Pokémon, but as someone who lost a dog to degenerative myelitis (which is rather specific) there's no reason for me to think that Senori's dementia can't be attributed properly to a disease. From what you show of him, it mostly closely resembles Alzheimer's. I get the feeling that the average reader wouldn't care about something like this, but as it's foundational to the plot I felt I had to bring it up.

No, that's fair, and uA brought up some good points about it to. I'm gonna do more in-depth research on it than I did before and factor it into edits. The idea is that dementia in pokémon is not well studied, but you're right that it could be more specific regardless. Now that I think about it, a pokémon magical powers might give them a better edge in terms of fighting off disease and stuff, maybe? So maybe a fictional form of dementia might work here. Orrr it could ring like very untrue science. Hmm... Anyway, point is, you've given me something to think about.

The other point I guess I should bring up is the fact that, while I'm not necessarily bothered by it, I know there are readers who take offense to and understand there can be some uncomfortable ethical questions behind the whole Pokémon having human-level intelligence while not being equal under the law thing. Which is what seems to be the case in your story. Like I said, this is Pokémon and I'm not about to start an existential debate over it. I was just curious if Survival Project had touched on this at all or if it's being given the Shrug of God, so to speak.

It's touched upon on occasion in Survival Project, and there'll be time to show it here, too. I've tried to sprinkle little animalistic traits among the pokémon in here as a reminder that they are, well, pokémon, but I haven't had much chance to explore the dynamics between them and humans otherwise... outside of maybe Marty not being able to understand Gracie's speech. It should be implied in there that he gave up Gracie; because he couldn't understand her speech and was generally unaware of her ways of communicating, he didn't realize how unhappy she was as his pokémon, and he thought she'd enjoy life better with Sai. But even then, as far as Phantom Project goes, they kinda avoid each other due to said Bad History (tm). They won't be able to avoid it soon.

Anyway, as stated above, this plot involves Senori's death. More specifically, we find ourselves treated to the perspectives of multiple members of trainer Sai's team as they try to grapple with the loss of their friend, as well as the emotional toll it has on Sai himself. While it is true that a great deal of this emotional baggage is being carried over from events in Survival Project, what you present me with in this work is raw enough and real enough to not only hit home but hit home hard despite my lack of familiarity with the cast of characters. I should confess that, aside from my dog, I lost two grandparents, including one to Parkinson's Disease… which rarely progresses far enough in a patient for signs of dementia to start materializing, but my grandpa was one of those special cases as he "fought the good fight" for thirty-five years (being a doctor probably helped). I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, despite the fact that a lot of the sentiments being expressed are those of Pokémon, the reactions to Senori's declining health and eventual death all felt very realistic. They certainly brought to mind the ways I saw family and friends reacting at funeral services and the days following.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandparents. I'm glad the emotions rang true, since I feel it'd be a great disservice to portray it insensitively and just... totally wrong, even if it was unintentional. If that makes sense.

Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but I know you're studying psychology and I did see some of the Kübler-Ross model in play here… whether it's Gracie's denial that Senori's slipping away and, thus, avoidance of visiting him at the hospital or Ezrem's anger toward Senori about getting a condition he can't help with or Atis' (fairly weak) attempts to bargain/wriggle his way out of fulfilling Senori's "last will" or Sai's and Kuiora's general depression and sadness about the whole affair. It's all handled very well. As I said before, the fact that it is a mostly-Pokémon cast and not humans may turn some people off, I'm sure, but I thought it struck a lot of familiar cords.

I'm not intentionally following the Kübler-Ross model too closely, but a lot of the grief portrayed is similar to what I've experienced myself, which also happens to be reminiscent of the model, yeah. I'm skeptical of the model in that I don't think people progress through the stages in order (i.e., from stage 1, to stage 2, then 3, etc, every time without fail) with grief of lost loved ones. It depends a lot on personality and such... and even over the years, some of the stages could return in full force and not others, partly since the loss of someone you love isn't something I think people ever "get over". Of course, I'm no proper researcher yet, so I could be wrong about this stuff. :V Anyway, that'd explain why the characters aren't all in the same stage at the same time, or why they experience the stages out of order, or why they don't even exhibit some of the stages at any point.

By jumping perspectives, you keep the grief and mourning aspect relatively fresh, though others may certainly disagree. Because each character uses their time to reflect on past events, both prior to meeting Sai and during their time under his care. There's a lot of baggage that comes with each character, but to your credit, you always directly reference what happens, whether it's through a character's POV or through one of the flashbacks starting each part off. In that regard, there were a lot of gaps filled in for me that I greatly appreciate. I'm sure I'd get the most enjoyment out of it having read Survival Project first, but going into this blind, I felt like I knew what I needed to know about each character to get in their headspace.

Yeah, this is why I tried to contain this plot point to a few amount of chapters, and it's also part of why everyone's experiencing and exhibiting grief differently. I'm glad it worked for you! And if you do ever return to Survival Project, I'd love to know your thoughts!

That said, I'm not entirely sure of what to think about the direction the fic is starting to move in. The last two chapters introduce the idea that Sai (and his team) will be joining Marty and Sasha in their hunt for a long-lost sibling. The premise alone sounds like something ripped right out of a Hollywood movie. I do like that the Pokémon themselves are notamused by this premise at all, and that there's a fair amount of tension in these last couple of chapters to suggest we're in for a rocky road. Still, I was a bit surprised by this shift. The impression I got was that this would be a shorter story focused around Senori's death and the associated greeting. But it seems like that was just a preamble to something bigger. It strikes me as an odd pivot at this point. One that makes for a good story, I suppose, but that doesn't scream "realistic" to me. I get the feeling grief and loss will still be very present as themes throughout this, but I worry that, as the story drags, the hard-hitting, deeply emotional early chapters will lose some of their impact.

Lol, fair enough, re: the premise. I'll try not to go overboard with it. xD

I'll repeat what I said to uA above since you both mentioned the same thing: that I don't think life should stop with grief, or at the loss of a loved one, even though it can certainly feel like it does or should. Life does, or should, continue, and you have to learn how to manage, both with the usual stuff and unexpected things like... what's happening here. I can see how Senori's death feels like a preamble; I'm inclined to think it'd feel like less so having read Survival Project, since he's a main character there all throughout? But, yeah, a big part of this story will also be about exploring how to move on and make the best of your life despite setbacks. If the shift still doesn't work down the road, do you think splitting the story into "acts" or "parts" might help?

Setting

This is one element I didn't have very many thoughts on. This seems like your pretty typical Johto… nothing too far out there to make it original aside from the interior of a hospital being described. Most setting descriptions seemed to lean on the minimal side, which works well so as not to interfere with the flow of the dialogue, but it did make it hard for me to visualize what was happening. For example, I couldn't for the life of me get a sense of just how Sai's apartment was laid out and what its size was like. Likewise, the lighthouse is usually just glossed over, with me being expected to just form up an idea of what it looks like on my own. Brass Tower was described nicely, though.

I did put the most work into the Brass Tower description in an effort to add more meat to things, but another reviewer said it disturbed the flow of the chapter. ^^; It's a balance I'm trying to work on indeed.

Characterization

This is the big one, given the category. Yes, I'm sure I'd have a lot more to say here if I read Survival Project, but I do think that the characters still shine even if you go into the story blind. Part of that's helped with the fact that the story directly tells us the past tragedies that each character experienced. As an example, I was quite taken aback at a potential spoiler for Love and Other Nightmares that I would never have been able to guess, that factors heavily into Rennio's and Ezrem's characters.

This is kinda the price I pay for not knowing Love and Other Nightmares was going to be a thing until Survival Project was already done. >.> RIP. I hope that doesn't kill your desire to read that fic, though, if you were planning to continue with it.

In general, I'd say with the chapters we have that the cast is balanced pretty well in terms of how often they're featured. Gracie is the lone 'mon to get two chapters with her POV, but one is before Senori's death and one after, making them feel very different. And I get the sense that you are starting a second round with each 'mon getting another chapter to themselves, so it's a matter of time before that evens out. Now, I will confess that, looking at my notes, there's a bit of a formula to how each character acts when given a turn at a POV. They all reflect a little bit on what's happening in the now (usually something trivial), converse with one or two team members, reflect on Senori, and then think about their own life circumstance and how things changed when they met Sai.

Yikes. Yeah, I noticed it myself not long ago, and I think you're the first reviewer to point it out, at least. xD I'm gonna have to try to break away from the mold, there. For different POVs, it probably won't hold up long-term.

This could easily have made things very boring, but you do a good job giving each 'mon a very different personality and saddling each one with different struggles. Continuing my example, Rennio and Ezrem both lost their original trainer in a fire (which Ezrem apparently caused), but while the former constantly ruminates about it and thinks conflicting thoughts about what would happen if she were still alive, the latter doesn't like dwelling on the past (or even the present) and always feels the need to plan for the future. While Rennio has found two elekid friends in the lighthouse, Ezrem continues to remain an aloof loner, save for his mating with Kuiora and having a kid.

This is good, at least! I've also been trying to make the writing style feel different for every narrator, since it's first person.

Sai himself is an interesting study, being presented as having bipolar disorder and having attempted suicide at one point, only for Ezrem to evolve to save him at the last moment. Despite not getting his perspective, his Pokémon make their concerns about him perfectly clear. The impression I got was that, in spite of the group's collective (and separate) struggles, they all expressed care for Sai in some manner, like with Kuiora sticking by his side during the funeral. In some regards, I actually found myself a bit worried, wondering if there was a "caregiver fatigue" sort of issue going on where Sai's condition was actually exhausting his 'mons but they refused to acknowledge it. I think it really came down to Sai's general depressive state and how multiple members of the group harped on it during their respective POV chapters. It raised a few red flags for me, just with how much it seemed like he was leaning on his team for support. That nagging feeling might not exist if I read Survival Project, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.

There was definitely some of that caregiver fatigue in the original, since everyone was kinda fretting at the same time and a lot of shit was going down. He's trying to be more self-reliant and balance his support system, but it'll take time. ^^

The one odd piece in the puzzle for me is Glori, the magikarp that Senori catches to "replace him," essentially. I think her interactions with the team are pretty good so far… except she has this tendency to psychoanalyze them. Which stretches my willful suspension of disbelief too far, since she's a magikarp and I can't imagine one being that wise and witty. It's just… very strange to hear her offer insight into, say, Ezrem's mind when, by all accounts, he has more life experience than she does and has been through quite a lot more. It just rubbed me the wrong way, though that might've been the point. Maybe it's supposed to be ridiculous on purpose? I mean... the idea of a Furret leading a team of 'mons that are much stronger on paper would be a head-scratcher to an external observer. I suppose Glori, being a magikarp, channels some of that spirit?

Makes sense. Glori's implied to be an older magikarp, but yeah, still a magikarp. Senori leading the team instead of, well, an actual trainer does add to the parallel. I guess it crosses over into the issue where the pokémon are a little too sentient.

Writing Style & Technical Stuff

Since the fic jumps POVs with every chapter, it's always interesting to read. While there aren't any significant stylistic changes between each POV, the characterization keeps things lively. Gracie, for example, never refers to Sai by his actual name. Kuiora has some rather dorkish tendencies and her POV once has her lapse into a bout of architectural fangirling that I got a kick out of. The dialog also shines. It honestly feels a lot like the kinds of quiet, reserved conversations that you'd have with family or friends after losing a loved one. I think the exception is with Glori, for reasons stated above. Some of her witty moments gel alright with the main cast (like with Ezrem at the memorial service), but overall her psychoanalysis reads as rather stiff and oddly-clinical for me.

I'd say the quality of the writing has been roughly the same throughout the fic. I didn't really feel like there were any substantial differences between the most recent chapter and the first one, both of which were Gracie's POV. Though I know you make plenty of edits and revisions, so that may just speak to the quality of said edits. Likewise, I didn't notice any technical issues pop up at all, though I profess to be really bad at spotting those.

Yeah, the stylistic changes are meant to be more subtle so they don't go into gimmicky territory. Anyway, I'm glad you like the POVs and the characters! They're my bbs. <3

Closing Thoughts

Phantom Project is a hard-hitting story revolving around the grief of losing a loved one and seeing the ripple effects that it creates. While I'm not entirely sure what your endgame is with the shift toward this journey to find a lost family member, I can't deny that what we have so far is a series of parts where the cast is force to confront their conflicting emotions over their leader's death and try to reconcile their own tragic pasts. It makes for a tough read, for sure, but I think it's worth it in the end. With that said, congratulations on your victory in Best Character-Driven. If you have any questions or would like clarification, let me know. ^^

Thanks so much for your comments and for judging! <3

coming in hot for those dementia memes
I reviewed the first few chapters already, apparently?? I think that my thoughts on them aren't going to get phrased any better if I write them out a second time, so for the most part skipping those lol.

You forgot you reviewed them? The dementia memes continue strong.

earlier chapters

I still think that the wording in the intro is a little forced -- every name gets dropped, and then "the [species] [actioned]". I understand your struggle with trying to catch readers up on the entirety of SP in the span of a few paragraphs, but I think you can probably take the intro a bit slower here.

This is fair. I mentioned to uA, too, that I might expand the scene. While other flashback half-chapters will be short, this one could be justified, I think, because I'd want all the characters introduced before the emotional hit at the beginning of chapter 1.

hahahahahafuck this story still hits like a truck

VROOM VROOM i'm sorry

tbt to when we tried to put as many fic titles in our RP paragraphs; i see now that i was clearly outclassed

There's still time for you to write more of them

I love the intro section here. It's almost cheating to have a psychiatrist talk to your characters because then you can literally have them say their philosophies without it feeling awkward, but you do it so cleverly here that I'm just mad I didn't think of it myself. The line about either getting better//not is a really poignant divide since this feels like a story that's going to turn that mentality on its head, but Sai mentioning that it's "meaningless chatter" adds a neat layer to it, as well.

I'm glad you liked it! It's probably the part of the fic I'm most proud of at the moment, to be honest.

I like this chapter. There are a lot of ways that you could've made The Funeral Chapter feel like it was trying to punch the tears out of me, but you didn't, and I appreciated it. This was somber but not earth-shattering, sad but not heartbreaking. I quite liked it that way. I dunno. To me it was morose, but in a numb way. It's hard to really pick up that any of the characters believe that Senori is dead here, and I think that's the point.

Yeah... I mean, they had plenty of time to anticipate his death, too, even if they ended up being in denial about it. So it made sense to me it'd not hit quite as hard once it actually happened. That, and I didn't want to kill my readers, lol. I figured there'd be some divide on that thought, though, and there is. That's fine. O:

I'm also a fan of the non-western funeral approach here. It serves like six purposes -- it's original compared to staple burial scenes with black umbrellas and rain; it's a nice tidbit of worldbuilding for your Johto; it's more conflict because wtFFF Sai nooo bby don't keep secrets from your fam still (((

Woo, I'm glad it worked for you. I think it was a bit ambitious, trying to implement worldbuilding for one of the first times in a chapter like this, but.

stop making me laugh when i'm supposed to be sad i'm not used to this much emotional involvement

C O N S U M E

This actually brings up a really interesting question that I'm curious to see how you'll address later as the story progresses. I feel like a few reviews have already pointed out that the pokemon here don't really feel like non-humans -- they're just creatures who sometimes have wings or eggs that hatch into small children, but feel decidedly human, so I won't spend too much time ragging on the narrative implications of that, but from a worldbuilding perspective, it is really weird that they're treated as lesser beings here. Pokemon in this universe are aware of their own existence/mortality; can form complex emotions such as pride, guilt, and grief; and can clearly sustain/take care of themselves, yet in many cases they're treated as second-class citizens (even beyond the pokeballs/cock fighting aspects, PP opens up with the idea that pokemon can be "illegal" because they aren't properly owned by their humans).

and like lol, i feel like most fics here have that issue, and as far as offering advice for how to improve it, i sort of just wave a stick at it in my own stories and hope that no one notices, but here I feel like the sheer depth of character that you convey in each of these characters inherently shoots you in the foot a little. The idea that an entire society of these superpowered non-human characters interacting with a society of equally complex human characters, and this society somehow results in the non-humans being second-class citizens and yet being totally okay with it is a little weird to me. There's a logical suspension of disbelief that can be made because, hey, it's Pokemon, but if your pokemon characters keep questioning it like this, it gets a little harder to ignore.

This is fair. You read Survival Project, so do you think it was addressed at all there? Enough or not enough? Though if you don't remember, I'd understand. xD It's been a while. I also pitched some ideas to uA above if you want to comment on those at all, but in short, the biggest barrier, like in real life, is a lack of communication. Most people do not understand how sentient pokémon are, and while there's movements in motion to educate people and adjust laws accordingly right now (as I envision it in this world, anyway), it's not very prevalent in society yet.

Anyway. Small qualms. I don't really have many criticisms to make here except that reading this fic in one sitting starts to hurt my heart a little bit and it's hard to read chapters back to back because of how emotionally taxing I find it , but that's entirely the point of it. I love the character interactions, I love that the events of SP are still fueling developments here, I love that they're so detailed and intricate and look at things in their own way, I love your prose and your knack for describing things in unique ways, etc etc. Thanks for writing this.

You're welcome, and thank you for reading anyway and leaving comments. <3[/quote][/QUOTE]

 

[kintsugi]

AKA the chapter which turned into memes among its readers to avoid the pain. Yes, that was really a thing and I can't believe it myself still.

ripperoni in senori

This time: one part of the plot is set into motion.

holy shit there's supposed to be a plot after the dementia??

“Don’t tell Jasmine,” she whispered, “but we’re gonna shut off the generator for a little while. Whoever shines the brightest light on the ocean wins!”

I don't really have words to describe this, but my heart literally dropped when I read this. I was expecting Rennio to accidentally be responsible for, you know, sinking the SS Anne or whatever. I don't think he is. I think. Kudos. Lmao.

Of course not. He’d confessed to me that time in Goldenrod when he lost Sai’s supplies and gym badges how he carried a ton of guilt with him—guilt for betraying his clan, guilt for not doing enough to help Sai, guilt for not being a reliable leader…

I also love this sentiment -- people, even the best people, aren't perfect. Senori is a liar too.

the poor fish couldn’t breathe out of water, and it hadn’t been Sai’s priority to install accommodations in the apartment for her

fugging classic lmfao LET'S GET EVERYONE CLOTHES GUYS

To make all the happy memories that weren’t even that happy anymore, Annie had to die! It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t.

Ahhhhhh! Poor baby.
I was just writing out how I don't have a good handle on characters that don't share my cookie cutter outlook on the world, but I actually fully believe that Rennio would believe this, even though it doesn't logically make sense. Part of it is how it's woven seamlessly into this section of the narrative (with Annie and tepig in the mix, it could've been warmer / my tears weren't only sad tears any more), but part of it fits more in line with Rennio's overall character since SP (and probably LaON too, but let's be real I'm waaaaaay far from getting close to him appearing in the actual narrative there). He's the one I remember the least about from SP, admittedly, but this sense of somber thinking about the world and being at least a little different/unique in his conclusions about all of the tragedies that keep getting dumped on his lap made sense then and lay a lot of the groundwork for his development here.

dunno if I've said it a lot, but the way you have these characters is kind of like poetry -- they all have these little dimples and backstories that interlock perfectly with each other (like even in this chapter -- Rennio's fear of fire with Gracie being fire; Rennio/Ezrem already losing a trainer seguing into the Senori stuff here; Marty/Sasha also losing a loved one to dementia) in a way that should feel forced and scripted, because it very definitely is carefully crafted, but it feels entirely natural here. I've been trying to put into words why I like your character-based narration stuff so much, and I think it's mostly in how you give each character their realistic quirks and developments and then have them play off of each other. Not giving them realistic quirks makes it obvious that it's scripted, and not having them play off of each other makes it obvious that it's not scripted, but the way you juggle both makes it really, really work.

And man, oh man, when you say the plot's gonna take off, you weren't fucking around. This puts a lot of the journey-based questions you've been asking on Discord into better context, I think? The scene itself that catalyzes the journey is really well written and I don't have much else to say outside of that except that I'm excited by the underlying themes of this premise -- a bunch of people who just lost a family member are going to help some people find a family member. There are probably going to be six million skeletons in this closet and each of them will find new ways to sink their bony, bony fingers into my heart and break it. Count me in pls.

 

[diamondpearl876]

ripperoni in senori

holy shit there's supposed to be a plot after the dementia??

Yes, yes indeedy. God only knows what more memes it'll produce. :V

I don't really have words to describe this, but my heart literally dropped when I read this. I was expecting Rennio to accidentally be responsible for, you know, sinking the SS Anne or whatever. I don't think he is. I think. Kudos. Lmao.

shit, why didn't I think of that? But yeah, it's just a prank he was skeptical of that didn't lead to anything crazy.

I also love this sentiment -- people, even the best people, aren't perfect. Senori is a liar too.

<3

fugging classic lmfao LET'S GET EVERYONE CLOTHES GUYS

If fish clothes were a thing, too... you know he'd make it happen.

Ahhhhhh! Poor baby.
I was just writing out how I don't have a good handle on characters that don't share my cookie cutter outlook on the world, but I actually fully believe that Rennio would believe this, even though it doesn't logically make sense. Part of it is how it's woven seamlessly into this section of the narrative (with Annie and tepig in the mix, it could've been warmer / my tears weren't only sad tears any more), but part of it fits more in line with Rennio's overall character since SP (and probably LaON too, but let's be real I'm waaaaaay far from getting close to him appearing in the actual narrative there). He's the one I remember the least about from SP, admittedly, but this sense of somber thinking about the world and being at least a little different/unique in his conclusions about all of the tragedies that keep getting dumped on his lap made sense then and lay a lot of the groundwork for his development here.

Yeah, it's been a common thread among readers that Rennio was the weakest character in SP, alongside Marty and Sasha. Seems that's turning around fairly nicely now. I'm glad this part in particular played out, 'cause I remember tweaking the structure of the paragraphs quite a bit, which makes sense with trying to make the illogical sound logical. He's definitely got a more childlike worldview and personality, despite his moments of maturity and, well, not actually being a super young pokémon or anything. And I guess these are the kinds of traits that only come out during times of stress, when maintaining a front becomes a lot harder.

dunno if I've said it a lot, but the way you have these characters is kind of like poetry -- they all have these little dimples and backstories that interlock perfectly with each other (like even in this chapter -- Rennio's fear of fire with Gracie being fire; Rennio/Ezrem already losing a trainer seguing into the Senori stuff here; Marty/Sasha also losing a loved one to dementia) in a way that should feel forced and scripted, because it very definitely is carefully crafted, but it feels entirely natural here. I've been trying to put into words why I like your character-based narration stuff so much, and I think it's mostly in how you give each character their realistic quirks and developments and then have them play off of each other. Not giving them realistic quirks makes it obvious that it's scripted, and not having them play off of each other makes it obvious that it's not scripted, but the way you juggle both makes it really, really work.

Ohhh, this was lovely to read the first time I read your review a month ago (lol oops late reply), and it's just as lovely to read now. I can't take credit for crafting every little thing - I definitely didn't predict Gracie becoming a mirror for Rennio/Ezrem like that when writing SP haha - but the idea of how people have so much in common yet are so fundamentally different from each other anyway is fascinating to me, and I can't resist trying to explore that in my fics.

And man, oh man, when you say the plot's gonna take off, you weren't fucking around. This puts a lot of the journey-based questions you've been asking on Discord into better context, I think? The scene itself that catalyzes the journey is really well written and I don't have much else to say outside of that except that I'm excited by the underlying themes of this premise -- a bunch of people who just lost a family member are going to help some people find a family member. There are probably going to be six million skeletons in this closet and each of them will find new ways to sink their bony, bony fingers into my heart and break it. Count me in pls.

I appreciate that you've been paying attention to that and made the connection. I'm countin' you in. Let's have our hearts broken together lmao.