EVERYONE: PMD: Crumbling Future

[Alpine64]

I unironically hate what I made. I've gotten rid of it completely. Feel free to take this down.

 

[Alpine64]

Please give honest advice. I'll take every reply into account.

 

[Welkamo]

Hi there! I don't think I've seen you around these parts yet. If this is your first time in the Writer's Workshop, welcome!

This is a very short prologue, but it gives a lot of mystery. Who is this Poochyena? What is this mysterious egg? Was is causing the grass to wither? I think some of these mysteries—like the egg—work pretty well, but I think other elements (like the Poochyena's personality and relationship with the town) could be expanded on more.

But yeah, I think this is an interesting setup for what could be an interesting story!

The leaves fall and travel across the wide field, spreading a beautiful orange and yellow across the green plains.

With the way this sentence is structured, I feel like a noun should come after the "orange and yellow".

A Poochyena laid in the shade of an oak tree, snacking on an apple.

The Poochyena carefully laid on the egg

Okay, so "lay" and "lie" are kind of... weird verbs? Especially in terms of conjugation. I think in both of these cases, "laid" should be "lay". This video might be helpful.

A Poochyena laid in the shade of an oak tree, snacking on an apple. An egg dropped from the tree, landing near the Poochyena. The canid creature looked at the egg, slightly confused.

The sentence structure of "they did the thing, the thing doing the thing" is a bit exhausting, especially when it happens three times in a row. Not that it's a bad structure, but varied sentence structures are important and help keep the prose form reading as monotonous.

They approach it, looking around before sitting near it.

"Approach" should be "appoached".

as it was surprisingly cool for Spring.

"Spring" shouldn't be capitalized.

Nightfall eventually comes, and the exhausted Poochyena passes out....

"Comes" and "passes" should be in past tense.

The Poochyena began to move away from the plains to return to town, bringing the egg with them.

I would have liked to see a little more about the Poochyena. Why were they out in the fields? What is their relationship to the town? What makes them decide to go to town? (To get help with the egg/grass/etc.?)

 

[Alpine64]

Imma be real I had no sleep before posting this. I'm probably gonna take this down.

 

[Alpine64]

This was fucking garbage why did I make this

 

[Greninjaman]

I agree with you, @takoyaki.

My first story on the forums was Wizard of Oz, but with Pokémon, and it was not my greatest work. Also, the chapters were very short, but I still had fun writing it.