MATURE: Pocket Monsters (7)

[Aladar]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Well, to be honest, there's not much to review when there's not much that can be improved.

What I liked best is the intro. You really pulled off that World of Pokémon segment in a great way. There are a few minor mistakes here and there but they can easily be overlooked. And the world you are building certainly looks interesting. We rarely see Pokémon battling as a team sport.

I'm curious how you'll handle the trio. Well, considering that both boys are going to, msot certainly, participat ein the sort-of gym challenge I don't think they can journey together for the most of it. I mean, seeing a gym battle twice in a row wold be quite boring, no? Btw, I,too, did sense quite a lot of HP vibes coming from the trio. Izzy's similarities to a certian bushy-haired bookworm aside, Andy's buff, sport-obssessed atitude does mirror Ron's. Plus, Andy's treatment of Bowers is jsut like Ron's treatment of Krum.

And I kinda saw that sorta gym-challenge from a mile away. True, I expected skipping directly to the 'league' part but still...

 

[---]

Re: Pocket Monsters

I'd say, The Kanto Battle Frontier the contest sounds nice.

 

[Gama]

Re: Pocket Monsters

I've really been looking forward to reading this, glad it's finally out.

I've only had time to read the italicised intro but I'll come back to read the rest of Chapter 1 in the next few days. This sounds really interesting and I can't wait to sink my teeth into reading it!

Great job, Legacy! This looks like it's going to be terrific - it's like you've thought about everything!

 

[CrystaI]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Well, not a bad fic, but it is just not my type of fic that I enjoy to read, because I'm not a sport fans nor a student-life story fans.

The introduction is good, as it give the insight of the original Pokeuniverse you were building, but just a little long... But I guess the length is fine, because it is anyway a speech by a boring monotone teacher. (It reminds me the boring assemblies I had during high school time by the school president every Monday morning, I really fell aslept several time back then...:drowsy


By the way, I find several grammatic errors:

No matter the relationship between a human owner and his or her Pokémon, each and every one of you are bound by law to treat yours with respect and care. Pokémon are not to be used as tools for financial gain or fame, their abilities are not to be used as weapons to settle personal differences, and above all, as trainers, no matter what level of competition you all ultimately reach, you are obligated to treat your Pokémon responsibly and with care, as if they were a member of your own immediate family.

I think you miss a word of "what" in it, so it should wrote "No matter what the relationship..."

Wagner followed suit, releasing his 'pocket monster' from its ball and onto the field. After the white flash from his pokéball had dissipated, the Pokémon belonging to Golden Valley's lead-off battler was revealed as well.

Style error. These two sentences doesn't sound very good, because the word "pocket monster" (and its equivalent "Pokemon") has been used twice consecutively. Try to replace one of the two with other words.

Several more of Arcanine's attempts to swipe at Gyarados' fleshy underbelly with his sickle-like claws failed, as the scaly beast was able to elude them each and every time with its squirming movements. The concrete of the field was beginning to look more like a crater-filled moon than a playing surface after all the maneuvering by the two large 'pocket monsters.'

They are Pokemon, so I don't think you need futher apostrophe to quote that, unless you do that intentionally for some reason.

Finally, as if everything was moving in slow motion, the giant sea serpent crashed to the ground, causing a huge cloud of dust and loose concrete to kick up into the air. Down went Gyarados... and she did not get up.

Language error. The position of noun and preposition should reverse, unless you're trying to make it an "innovative" writing that doesn't follow the English language rules.

“I assure you, this will be no easy task however, as the eight trainers I have chosen are world-class caliber and will take no mercy on those who have not developed the necessary skills. However, by the end of the year, any trainers that are able to successfully collect all seven coins from all seven 'bosses,' will be eligible to enter the Kanto Superstar Tournament, to be held right here at Champions Stadium.”

Number inconsistency. It should be seven, not eight.


Then a few question about the background settings:
1. Does the students in Viridian Academy wear any school uniforms?
2. Milo's pet is a baby Vulpix. According to the canon's Pokedex setting, infant Vulpix has only one tail rather than six, and have white fur. So how is Milo's Vulpix?
3. Is Jordan Wagner's Gyarados a female?
4. The title of this fic is "Pocket Monsters", which is just plain and not-representative. Is that a beta name for your fic, where you are still thinking another better name for this fic?

Then, a few comments about the writing:
1. The conversations between the characters are very casual, not bad for that. But if you really want to continue in a casual conversation manner, then I think you should do that in a more complete way. What I mean is that the conversation still contains some stylish writing like a report in narrative manner, so just try to make it more completely like a casual conversation.
2. The physical description about the characters were used too much, I think it might be better to eliminate some of the unnecessary ones.
3. I see that you were trying to avoid the overuse of the word "Pokemon", you rather replace this word with other words like "the creature/beast", "*charater*'s fighter/partner", "'pocket monster'", etc. But, the word "Pokemon" should not produce any grammar nor style problem, and I think rather you have underused it. Try to use it in the necessary places, then it might sound(read) better. One rule: don't use this word more than once in three consecutive sentences.

*********************************************
I admit about myself that I'm not a professional writer, yet I agree that I'm a perfectionist, so I pick up these small error easily. You can disagree any one of the comments if you don't like it, in any case it is comment from an amateur.

 

[Megaman]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Very interesting. I can't wait for the next bit to come out.

 

[Zekurom]

Re: Pocket Monsters

I'll address a few of NAC.Crystal's grammatical comments... (Don't take this the wrong way, it's just that some of your corrections are unnecessary, or erroneous in themselves.)

I think you miss a word of "what" in it, so it should wrote "No matter what the relationship..."

If you put the "what" in there, you'd also need an "is". Like this: "No matter what the relationship is between..."

They are Pokemon, so I don't think you need futher apostrophe to quote that, unless you do that intentionally for some reason.

I think it's for the fact that the word "pocket monster" isn't actually used so much as the word "Pokémon" is.

Also, if you're using single quotes (the British way), it's customary to put the punctuation mark outside the quotes when you're not quoting a full sentence.

Language error. The position of noun and preposition should reverse, unless you're trying to make it an "innovative" writing that doesn't follow the English language rules.

This is actually a valid construction in English. I don't know its name, but I've seen it quite a few times before.

Number inconsistency. It should be seven, not eight.

I found this a bit weird too. Perhaps the eighth trainer is some sort of "final boss".

 

[Dorothy]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Initial perceptions: I am really digging the concept of the story. It's like an Ultimate Pokemon (or Pokemon: Earth-One, for you DC fans) series.

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters

The "eight trainers" thing is an error, NAC is right. Oops. I was going to go with eight but after the planning of my plot, seven is going to work out better. I'll go back and fix that.

Thanks for the feedback guys! I sincerely appreciate it

 

[TPJerematic]

Re: Pocket Monsters

This fic a pretty awesome, i'm going ot wait to see where you take it before i say any more about the setting and characters

The only thing i'ld say is that it's a lot of writing without any from of page break to indicate scene changes ... hurt my eyes a little >.<

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters

This fic a pretty awesome, i'm going ot wait to see where you take it before i say any more about the setting and characters

The only thing i'ld say is that it's a lot of writing without any from of page break to indicate scene changes ... hurt my eyes a little >.<

Good point. I will try to be better about this.

 

[BlueNostalgia]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Aww, you've beaten me to the punch I was thinking of starting a story like this sometime, with battling as more of a sport than a hobby. I have to say though, you've done a better job of it than I could have done. There are a few gramatical errors here and there, but I'm not complaining, 'cause I make them too. Great job, and I can't wait to read more

 

[DentoSan]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Thank you, Legacy for letting me you have started writing again!

This first installment was a pleasure to read; the perfect blend of introduction for new non-Pokemon readers and excitement for us vets. I simply love the twist you have put on the typical journey.

The American Idol-like talent search competition is a clever way to go about it. The trio's characters are already so distinct and deep that it's going to be fun to see how you develop them.

I saw a few grammar things that people have already pointed out, so I won't go too far into that. Also, perhaps you still have the tendency to use 4-5 words to describe something that only needs to take 1 or 2. It does flow nicely and is relatively easy to read, however.

On the whole, I think this is a great start to your return to writing! I am glad your heart operation went well and am looking forward to following this story.

Cheers.

Dent.

 

[Flaze]

Re: Pocket Monsters

You know around half way it actually seemed shorter than I would expect, and that's good because you kept me interested, really interested.

Anywho, I really liked the way you took battling and turned it into a more of a sport rather than just battles people can do if they want to or not, you also kind of adapted it more to reality by having people that both liked it and didn't. However, if I can ask what gave you that idea really?

Also, I have to ask why you changed gym leaders to bosses, again if I can ask?

For the description, it's gotten more balanced rather than over the top like it was back in TPI and the battles have also gotten better, even though they still seem like they're going a little too fast you've manage to still keep it really interesting.

I liked the characters, well I liked Milo and Izzy the most but Andy, not so much I tend to dislike people that only want to be liked by others and don't care if they have to hurt someone else's feelings, I like Izzy and Milo more because, well Izzy is the usual person that's always out of the loop and gets scolded for being out when she shouldn't since it's just a sport, and Milo is the kind of boy who doesn't like it more than just a means to entertain and enjoy himself.

Overall, I have one more question, are you ready to write a journey fic? they might be the most common but they're certainly not that easy to write and there'll be times where it'll even be hard to come up with things to write for them.

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters

You know around half way it actually seemed shorter than I would expect, and that's good because you kept me interested, really interested.

Anywho, I really liked the way you took battling and turned it into a more of a sport rather than just battles people can do if they want to or not, you also kind of adapted it more to reality by having people that both liked it and didn't. However, if I can ask what gave you that idea really?

Also, I have to ask why you changed gym leaders to bosses, again if I can ask?

For the description, it's gotten more balanced rather than over the top like it was back in TPI and the battles have also gotten better, even though they still seem like they're going a little too fast you've manage to still keep it really interesting.

I liked the characters, well I liked Milo and Izzy the most but Andy, not so much I tend to dislike people that only want to be liked by others and don't care if they have to hurt someone else's feelings, I like Izzy and Milo more because, well Izzy is the usual person that's always out of the loop and gets scolded for being out when she shouldn't since it's just a sport, and Milo is the kind of boy who doesn't like it more than just a means to entertain and enjoy himself.

Overall, I have one more question, are you ready to write a journey fic? they might be the most common but they're certainly not that easy to write and there'll be times where it'll even be hard to come up with things to write for them.

Hey, thanks for the review Flame!

The idea for making battling into more of a team sport just came from my own love of watching pro football and pro basketball. I know that the star athletes like Peyton Manning, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, etc. are really revered and popular because of their individual success and greatness for their teams.

I wanted to incorporate this into my Pokemon world just because team sports and rooting for your hometown team is a lot more popular than the individual sports (tennis, golf, etc.) in America and worldwide for the most part. I also just figured that it hadn't been done a whole lot in fics I've seen, so I thought it might be a cool twist.

I also wanted a world where Pokemon battling/training isn't quite as ubiquitous as the game/anime canon, where every single person in the entire world it seems is either a Pokemon trainer/coordinator or both.

I wanted a world similar to ours, where animals are not involved in every single walk of life. Sure, we have animals as pets, we use them for food, and other stuff, but unlike the game/anime Pokemon Worlds, it's not like animals are by our sides 24/7. I wanted to make a world that is more realistic in this sense, thus having people like Izzy and Milo, who like Pokemon but aren't necessarily hell-bent on becoming trainers.

Changing "gym leaders" to bosses wasn't really that necessary of a change I guess, other than I've always thought gym leaders was an awkward term. I just wanted to change it up. Also, I'm not having "gyms" since my world does not have badge quests in the same sense as the canon worlds.

Finally, I believe I am ready to try my hand at the journey fic genre. I doubt it will be as good as some of the other great ones like Rival's Story or Gary Ketchum Chronicles, but I'll try my best!

 

[Flaze]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Another question, if it is gonna be a journey fic, then it means Milo and Andy aren't going to be attending their new high school in the end right?

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Maybe, maybe not. You will have to see. In chapter two, I think people are going to see that the story is not going to go exactly how it looks like it is going to go based on Chapter One.

 

[alster08]

Re: Pocket Monsters

To be honest i was simply amazed on how you wrote the begining. I wish i could progress to your standered of writing you have today because it is quite Amazing. I hope you always right and by the way this chapter was good. DDDD
And do you possibly think you can give the new chapters of When Evil Meets Evil Hoenn Horrors a read?

 

[Gama]

Re: Pocket Monsters

I've caught up with the whole of the first chapter now and I have to say...

This is freaking awesome. I cannot wait for more. My only concern is that this might devolve into a regular journey fic with minor changes but I think you're more than capable of avoiding that. Anyway, this first chapter was absolutely fantastic - keep up the good work!

There were a few technical issues though:

The girl didn't help matters either, as she didn't speak at all either.

I know I’m being really picky here but I thought I’d give you whatever advice I could. This sentence feels a bit awkward because you use the word ‘either’ twice. Perhaps you could say “The girl didn’t help matters, as she didn’t speak at all either” or “The girl didn’t help matters either, as she too said nothing” Just a small thing, though.

“So, you're name is Andy,” the girl said suddenly

I’m sure you’re going to be kicking yourself for making this mistake, but this should say “So your name is Andy” =P Were you half way between saying that and “So you’re called Andy,”?

Instantly the aroma of her work filled the small area, summoning the boys' full attention. Both looked up and grinned widely when Milo's mother set down a large cheese pizza in front of them on the old wooden coffee table.

“Can't watch the game on the empty stomach,” she announced. “Just don't get sauce on the carpet.”

“We won't,” Andy mumbled, his mouth already full with his first bite of hot pie.

I honestly don’t know whether this is a mistake or an Americanisation. You said they had pizza, then he took a bite of hot pie. I’ve heard the expression ‘pizza pie’ before but we would never use that in England. If that was what you meant, ignore this comment but I thought there was a chance that you might have just forgotten what they were eating.

bit the bipedal beast in the abdomen before he could leap out of the way.

Bipedal means ‘walks on two legs’ but Arcanine are usually quadrupedal, that is, they walk on four legs.


Anyway, this was truly fantastic, keep up the good work!

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters

Thanks Gastly's Mama! I will address those mistakes. I am honored to have you as probably the best author in this site say such nice things about my fic.

Thank you!

 

[some colour no doubt]

Re: Pocket Monsters

wow.
just wow.
when i first glanced at the chapter, my first thought was 'geez that's long'. when i started reading it, i didn't even notice the length. Great description and characters, can see the viridian academy being a great location for development and introduction.
I also like your take on the league, or as you called it, the KPL. I take it this replaces the standard Pokémon League/Elite Four of the anime/games?
With the match itself, it was very well written, and it struck me how distant Milo and Andy seemed from the battle. You made it feel like they were watching it on TV, not in the stadium, and did a great job of showing it from their POV and not getting too sucked in to the battle itself.
A great start, and judging from the sheer amount of replies, a very popular one! keep it up and I'll read!