MATURE: Pocket Monsters (7)

[Flaze]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

It actually seemed longer, turns out that for some reason this page has a lot of space at the bottom.

The chapter was good, it certainly showed a different side of the Bryce from last chapter, and now I think he's pretty much a rival already. I liked how Milo got nervous when Rena asked him if he wanted to sleep in her room though.

This is also one of the chapters where I would actually want for it to be longer, but mostly because that cliffhanger came in unnexpectingly

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Thanks for the comments guys! Chapter 6 will be up soon. Thanks again for taking the time to read

 

[Gama]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

So I've finally caught up with Pocket Monsters and I have to say I was very impressed. Although the chapters were very long for fanfiction (although not for actual published books), I raced through them because I was so engaged. You've done an absolutely fantastic job.

As SI said, I didn't see any errors in this last chapter but there were a couple in 3 and 4. For example:

“But your right,” said Mr. Jacobs

I'm sure you know this should be "you're" and it was just rushed.

Similarly:

A few blocks down, Milo finally saw the source of the commotion: a large group of probably thirty or forty people off all ages were gathered around the front steps of a large office building. Like a mob of adoring fans crowded around the stage at a rock concert, the people were yelling and pumping their fists in the air, some where wielding homemade poster board signs.

Two errors in this little bit. Firstly it should be "people of all ages" and secondly "some were wielding homemade poster board signs".

There were a couple of other errors too, but they were minor things. I'm sure you'd be more than capable of spotting them if you did another proof read.

Anyway, on to the fun part of the review =]

I absolutely loved reading these chapters, particularly 4 and 5. It feels like you've moved past the introductory element of Chapters 1-3 and we're starting to see some real plot development. When I read this story I can sense the world around it and it feels like a realistic world and that's the thing that makes it so good. You've set out to reinvent the series and, in my opinion, you've done a pretty good job of it.

I'm very intrigued by the protest group. I wonder... are they supposed to be something to do with Team Plasma? I'm sure you wrote Pocket Monsters before Pokemon BW was out though? Or perhaps you had seen the spoilers? I only think this because you said something about it being a local chapter. Also, I wonder if it is something to do with them that everyone sees on the television at the end?

I loved the image of Andy's Charmander in the field of Tauros. You wrote that brilliantly and painted an excellent picture.

Milo's first battle was really well done too. I got a really good sense of Fawkes being a house pet rather than a battler like Hugo Bowers' Pokemon.

The nurse called Joy was a nice touch. Made me giggle =P

Which leads me on to talking about Bryce Montgomery... I. LOVE. THIS. CHARACTER.

It seems as if he is going to become something of a rival for Milo and I pray that this is what is going to happen. The rivalry that has already developed is beautiful. If the story had been told from Bryce's point of view, he wouldn't be a jerk at all, he'd be completely reasonable. In fact, in humiliating this person who is practising Pokemon cruelty (particularly within the context of the recent protests) he'd seem like even more of a hero! From Bryce's perspective, Milo is horribly irresponsible - he's totally justified in his actions. At the same time, however, you can definitely see why Milo would hate him. Firstly, from Milo's point of view his actions don't seem that bad. What else was he supposed to do, really? In fact, not only is he humiliated by Bryce but he is also overshadowed by him. He is the perfect rival. (Pocket Monsters: A Rival's Story would be excellent =P )

Milo's attitude towards Rena is perfect too. The lie about the Ursaring is a well done representation of a 16 year old boy trying to impress a girl... or even just save his dignity in front of her! The whole room sharing situation is perfect too. In my opinion, Milo definitely did the right thing in declining to share a room with her - he would have only embarrassed himself - but I can't say that when I was sixteen I would have been strong enough to make the same decision. (Or perhaps I would have been too nervous not to? Who knows.) Milo seeing her in the morning was done perfectly too. Again, classic sixteen year old boy. "Damn, if only I had agreed to sleep in her room... I would have definitely fucked her!"

Anyway, I think I'm done licking your butt for now, Legacy =P These last couple of chapters were fantastic, I can't wait for more, keep up the good work.

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Thanks, Gastly's Mama! Awesome review; I appreciate it very much

Anyways, I'm excited to write Chapter 6, as the level of action and excitement should increase.

 

[Blondie]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

I lulz at Milo when he turned down Rena's invite but then got mad at himself. You captured a teenage frame of mind very well I thought. Probably not hard for you, but still it was great. I agree you made Bryce to be a very interesting rival. He's not the typical "nyaaa I'm the rival...I'm a douche and I treat pokemon bad!". Usually rivals suck cuz their main purpose is to be the enemy of the protagonist. You made Bryce seem believable an dispicible at the same time.

Well done! Can't wait till next chapter

 

[Thundagere]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

If I type this chapter was awesome one hundred times, would that be a pointless post? .
Seriously, great chapter! IT WAS SO FREAKING AWESOME! The rival...beautiful characterization! Grammar and spelling, excellent! Plot....slow, but it's necessary to build up, and I can see from the ending that we're entering something new! THis is a beautiful example of a chapter; I just loved the characterization. Great job!

 

[SuperTrainStationH]

Re: Pocket Monsters

I made a date about 24 hours ago to begin this story over dinner, so with some Chinese takeout and my laptop on the table before me, I dug into both.

I read chapter one today.

Before I had the context for the introductory lecture, I have to say I vividly heard the voice of the narrator from the Pokémon movies as I read it, starting off like the introduction to many of the films it certainly started in familiar territory, but then touched on how the relationship between humans and the creatures of this world has been changed by the development of the Pokéball, which judging by the title of the fic I'm anticipating to be a significant theme later on.

The chapter really picks up after the lecture, where we are dropped into a relatively mundane scene of a restless student to whom such lectures are not preludes to some immediate, optimistic, epic adventure, but an routine bore draining mental energy that could be better spent daydreaming of an upcoming sporting event.

The dialog worked well and while spicy, was realistic for the age group and not used gratuitously, and the characters were defined enough that there was no confusing as to who was speaking.

The structure of KPL matches was interesting to learn about, as battling as a competitive team sport is something that I'm not aware of being covered in the canon as of yet, as while in the animé for instance high profile battles are televised similar to sporting events in our world, the focus there tends to be on the individual Trainers or on events like Pokémon Baccer. (and the action of the part of match we did get to read about flowed smoothly)

Hugo's bosses seem particularly interesting as a challenge since unlike a typical "credential collecting challenge" the bosses could be anyone, anywhere, which opens up a variety of possibilities and surprises which relatively predictable gym badge quests do not. It's also good that this quest defeat bosses and obtain their coins has a much more tangible and desirable reward than the right to compete in a regional League tournament that even in the context of the animé doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

My first dive into one of the longer works here has been a rewarding one and I anticipate seeing how Milo and Andy choose to act on Hugo's announcement and what other surprises this custom Pokémon world has to offer.

 

[Necrozma]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

What the hell did Milo see on TV? I'm curious now! -.-

As for me, this was an excellent chapter. Bryce and Rena seem like they're going to play a certain (important) role in the story, with Bryce possibly becoming Milo's rival (I really, really hope that is the case) and Rena accompanying Milo on his journey, so he finally wouldn't be all by himself. But I'm not too sure how that would turn out, though. I also have to mention that I found Milo's scene when he lied about the Ursaring totally believable. I think that's how most of people in Milo's skin would react to, only not to turn out as a wuss.

Also, Bryce is an ***hole. I hope Rena finds out what kind of person Bryce really is. :|

Keep it up, now I can't wait for the next chapter!

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Thanks so much everyone!

Working on chapter 6 right now... definitely a little more action as far as plot advancement goes starting now.

Feel free to leave suggestions, comments about what you think or what you want to see.

 

[LightningTopaz]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

This may seem a little random, but I'd want a few improvised musical number distractions in tribute to Takeshi no Paradaisu (eg. someone distracts the bad guys while the heroes infiltrate the hideout)

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Hahaha LT, I love it! I will try my best to fit one in! Maybe a Lady Gaga number?

 

[System Error]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

This may seem a little random, but I'd want a few improvised musical number distractions in tribute to Takeshi no Paradaisu (eg. someone distracts the bad guys while the heroes infiltrate the hideout)

If this becomes a habit, it will ruin the story. Don't want to turn this thing into an entourage of musical-related gags like Family Guy. I'd certainly be open to one for a montage segment or something, though.

 

[Gama]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Also, Bryce is an ***hole.

Do you really think so? If you actually put yourself in his shoes, his actions seem quite reasonable. I mean, given that he's something of an expert in Pokemon (to an extent at least) can't you see why he'd lose his temper at someone who was using a housepet Pokemon as a battler? It's kind of on a par with cockfighting and bear baiting in terms of cruelty, really - poor Fawkes didn't even know what she was supposed to do!

 

[Necrozma]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Do you really think so? If you actually put yourself in his shoes, his actions seem quite reasonable. I mean, given that he's something of an expert in Pokemon (to an extent at least) can't you see why he'd lose his temper at someone who was using a housepet Pokemon as a battler? It's kind of on a par with cockfighting and bear baiting in terms of cruelty, really - poor Fawkes didn't even know what she was supposed to do!

Instead of encouraging a scared newbie (who was already feeling terrible by the way) and trying to correct him on his mistakes, he goes out all the way to yell at Milo and insult him. Oh, and not to mention the scene when he sends out his two Pokémon. I was like "okay, we get it, you have a point. now go away!" Was the showcase of his "super-awesome" Pokémon seriously necessary? And the fact he's a son of a rich guy doesn't help at all.

 

[Gama]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Instead of encouraging a scared newbie (who was already feeling terrible by the way) and trying to correct him on his mistakes, he goes out all the way to yell at Milo and insult him. Oh, and not to mention the scene when he sends out his two Pokémon. I was like "okay, we get it, you have a point. now go away!" Was the showcase of his "super-awesome" Pokémon seriously necessary? And the fact he's a son of a rich guy doesn't help at all.

See, this is where I disagree and think perspective is important. Perhaps sending out his Pokemon was over the top but can you blame Bryce for losing his temper?

You can say he should be encouraging Milo as a newbie but think about what Milo looks like from his point of view:

You've worked really hard at being both a doctor and a Pokemon Trainer. You see the Hugo Bowers announcement and think 'Perfect, I'm in a great position to be doing this, I have a strong couple of Pokemon who are more than capable of battling.' Later, you pick up a poor kid who's gotten lost in Viridian Forest with his pet Vulpix and they've both been attacked by a Paras. This poor thing looks like it might die - it's clearly completely incapable of battling, which makes it even more tragic that it's been attacked.

Then you find out that it wasn't an accident at all. This kid, who is clearly completely incompetent and incapable of being a trainer, has taken his Pokemon, which is not only untrained but an infant, into the wild to battle, deciding to risk its life in an attempt to accomplish a goal that is clearly way out of his league - have you ever seen parents who push their children into talent shows, modelling agencies when the kids themselves clearly don't want to do it and it is plainly exclusively for the glory of the parents? Or, for that matter, pet-owners? Well, it's just the same. Seeing them do it is infuriating because it's so cruel and if you were in front of them in person, there's no way you'd miss the opportunity to give them a good telling off (assuming you had the confidence) and, for the good of their children/pets/Pokemon you'd try and make them realise that what they're trying to do is ridiculous, wouldn't you?

I think I would and that's why I think Bryce isn't an asshole at all.


Also, I think having rich parents is a pretty unfair (although common) reason to hate someone.



I'd also like to add that I don't think Milo was cruel in bringing Fawkes into Viridian Forest, although he was, perhaps, a little irresponsible. Additionally, Milo's hatred for Bryce is totally justified - who wouldn't hate him in that position?

But then that's what makes what I hope will develop to be the central rivalry of the series so interesting. Two characters who are pretty justified both in their own actions and in hating each other.

 

[Necrozma]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

The characters are both justified, yes, though if Bryce had only yelled at Milo and didn't show off the benefits of being a rich kid then I wouldn't mind that much. He just came across as an arrogant jerk, what was the point? Though, hands down, I do agree and hope too that their rivalry is going to develop and become as interesting as we'd all like. I may like Bryce at some different point of the series, but right now I'm rooting for Milo. The kid is in desperate need for some training and development.

 

[Sarcastically Insane]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

He's coming off as an arrogant jerk because (it could be argued) that Milo is an arrogant jerk who nearly killed his pet, and thinks that this guy who's trying to dissuade him from cockfighting is your viewpoint. Think of it; if the cops barge in on someone growing pot, the guy growing pot's going to think the cops are d-bags, right? But the cops think the guy growing pot is an idiot, because they're breaking the law. It's all about perspective.

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

I think both sides are correct.

On one hand, someone of Bryce's privledged upbringing can definitely have a high opinion of one's self. And when angered, they can sometimes resort to flaunting their privleges as Bryce did when he revealed his two Pokemon. It was clear that he wanted to do more than offer Milo advice... he wanted to establish dominance over him. But it was provoked if that makes any sense. I didn't want Bryce to just automatically act like an asshole; I wanted to have the Milo/Bryce argument and shouting match trigger Bryce's true underlying opinion of himself. If you notice, his attitude isn't only towards Milo... once he gets angry, he insults Joy as well.

He's a narcissistic character, but not overly so. As you can see when he interacts with the security guard, and even with Milo early on, he is a decent guy who knows that he should treat people with respect and not let his pride show too much. But like many people in our own world today, it's often hard to hide your true colors.

But on the other hand, Bryce was justified in at least the part where he berated Milo. The continuous yelling and relentlessness might have been over the top, but an unbiased person could make an argument that Milo deserved it.

Overall, my goal with Bryce is to create someone who is both "hate-able" and someone who the readers can sometimes side with. I don't want Bryce to be Milo's BFF, but I also didn't want to just make a shallow rival who simply exists to be a prick either.

Any other thoughts guys? Thanks for the comments

 

[Blondie]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

I think the first impression of Bryce is that he is obviously a rich kid, but not all rich kids are snobbish and mean. So that in and of itself doesn't make him a jerk, so it's interesting that depending on who the reader is and what kind of upbringing they have, a certain person may look at Bryce differently.

I myself didn't see him as overly mean, just because Milo sort of asked for it. His boasting about his Pokemon was a little arrogant but in all seriousness he was right. If Milo wants to compete he's gonna need better Pokemon or at least stronger ones.

 

[LightArrows.exe]

Re: Pocket Monsters (5)

Wow, around the begin of the Pokémon battles i scrolled down and saw a big list of different walls with words. If got a few tips.

-Make smaller chapters. People try to avoid these big lumps of text.
-If people are sayign something, make sure there is a paragraph in between them.

With these tips you should get better with these story's.

Greetz, Kellyn.