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MATURE: Pocket Monsters (7)

Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

You did a good job on this chapter. I especially loved the part where Milo tried to capture the Stantler. It made me laugh and feel embarrassed for him, too. Great job ^^ I look forward to the next chapter as well...
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Hey thanks guys for reading :)
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

I really enjoyed this chapter, i'm glad he's on his journey again, you make it really interesting to read and its a great enjoyment
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

This chapter should have been better off titled : "Lies, lies, nothing but lies."
Seriously though, I disliked it how much Milo lied to Rena and I'm sure that will backfire to him one day. But I guess a character can't be perfect, and Milo is especially far from perfect. And I'm pretty much certain that those guys who want to free the Pokémon from slavery were responsible for the explosion due the fact Silph Co. makes Poké Balls as well. Looking forward to your plans with them, I'm sure we'll see them again! ^^

Oh, there would be something else - I just love your Pokédex paragraphs. They seem so realistic and I love how you made it into an app like it would most likely be in real life. That pretty much gives another realistic angle to your story. :D

If there's anything I would complain about in this chapter, it's the lack of focus on Rena. I'm not sure whether she will be a permanent companion or whether she's simply a sidekick following him, but actually need to learn more about her. Other than that, your story is progression wonderfully. Keep it up!
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

The accident on TV reminded me of the 9/21 for some reason. Other than that I liked the chapter more or less. It was good, the grammar and description were great and the Pokedex entry were really descriptive and science like but I guess I've always been a fan of the Pokedex being its own thing. I like the fact that Fawkes began to act more like an actual Pokemon even if it was only out of spite for the Spearow stealing Milo's food.

However the chapter was...slow, I mean it was around what ten pages or so yet not a lot happened, like Tsutarja said you should focus a little bit on Rena too but I think that one of the things you should do is put a little more action on the chapters, if you have me compare this chapter to the first five then I say this one was not exactly the best of them all but I'm sure they will get better as they go.
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

If you ask me, it would be rather embarrassing if Rena said verything Milo said in a newspaper...
Well done! I enjoyed the development of this chapter, it was well written and Milo is definitely growing. I have to wonder how he'll get stronger...but anyhow, you leave me waiting for the next chapter!
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Thanks guys! Yeah, I agree about the pace. It's my first journey fic, so I'm struggling with how to pace it and keep it exciting.
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Rena always seemed like she'd be temporary to me. If not, established as a definite background character whose best role is just a supporting role. It's just like how no one really cares about Robin, it's all about the goddamned Batman. Now granted, we're talking about a kinda ditzy reporter and the anti-Batman here (at this point at least), but personally, I wouldn't mind too much if Rena remained in the role she is in, with the occasional bigger storyline.

Also,

NEVER

...PISS

......OFF

.........

............Milo's Vulpix
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Any other suggestions on how to improve the story, the pace, the plot, the characters, guys? I'd appreciate any feedback you can give!
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Great bit so far, Milo sure likes to lie, doesn't he :p

Also, first catch! w00t :D

And I'm guessing the badge keeper is in...

Mt.Moon? But it'll probably be renamed, no?
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

"Want to identify Pokemon that you've never seen before just by scanning them? There's an app for that."

As others have said, this chapter was a touch slow but I think that's just because it's a bridge chapter, which are inevitable in journey fics. My only advice on that front would be that if you start feeling like your chapters are generally too slow, it's probably worth thinking about skipping out parts that have to happen but have no real significance on the story. For example, 'it took several hours and in that time they saw lots of different Pokemon but Milo couldn't get close enough to scan them with his phone' or something. Obviously, this skipping out will be far easier later in the fic as at this point everything is significant as Milo is such a rookie.

Also, contrary to what other people have said, I think you give Rena just the right amount of attention at the moment. Unlike SE, I do see her as a permanent or semi-permanent companion but I think she is certainly a secondary character because it'd be a little dull if Milo was all by himself all the time.

Anyway, decent chapter - not as exciting as the others but it's the typical case of, it has to be there and it is good enough to support the stronger chapters that make the fic so keep up the good work =)
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

I'm beginning to dislike Milo, personally. Because I've tried to pull of BSing like that before and watched it crumble; not fun, at all.
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Haha, yeah Milo certainly isn't a flawless character, but just give him a chance :)
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

I just read the chapter and all I can say is that it's good, as usual.

I like the latin species name part of the Poxedex app, it really adds to the reality of your world. I guess there won't be such names or any data in case Milo encounters legendaries. You could also add the initials of the discoverer of the species which is the case with the animals, maybe 'R' for some Kanto Pokemon, to imply they were discovered by Red.
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Just read the story and I have to say, your writing is amazing as usual.

Like the poster above me, I really like the Latin names you came up with, Legacy. Did you just make them up on the spot, what? The Pokedex itself was a good idea, where you just take a picture and it tells you about the Pokemon.

But with Stantler's Pokedex entry, it didn't seem to say anything about their ability to distort reality. I'll go check again, because I might've missed something.

Milo himself is digging deeper into a well of lies. I hope you're planning for the truth to come out some time, it might make for an interesting part of the story.

All in all, this is a great story and I'll be looking forward to more chapters!

Oh, and the Coin Keeper is either in Viridian Forest or Mt. Moon.
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Just read the story and I have to say, your writing is amazing as usual.

Like the poster above me, I really like the Latin names you came up with, Legacy. Did you just make them up on the spot, what? The Pokedex itself was a good idea, where you just take a picture and it tells you about the Pokemon.

But with Stantler's Pokedex entry, it didn't seem to say anything about their ability to distort reality. I'll go check again, because I might've missed something.

Milo himself is digging deeper into a well of lies. I hope you're planning for the truth to come out some time, it might make for an interesting part of the story.

All in all, this is a great story and I'll be looking forward to more chapters!

Oh, and the Coin Keeper is either in Viridian Forest or Mt. Moon.

The Latin names are made up but based on the Latin names of real world animals, such as Stantler being based off a stag. But yeah, thank you for the comments everyone!
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

WOAH!!! thanks for linking me to this. this is amazing.
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

WOAH!!! thanks for linking me to this. this is amazing.

Thanks! Any other thoughts or suggestions you have to help me improve would be much appreciated, @mrt98

Also, Chapter 7 is in the works as we speak :)
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Wow, I dunno how I managed to miss chapter 5, but I've caught up now.
I can only agree with everyone else about Milo's lies, but I also sympathise somewhat :L
Of course, as Thundagere has suggested, I'm assuming Milo's going to be caught out when Rena writes an article about him, and everyone'll get mad at him. Will Rena stay with him permanently though? Can't wait to read more :)
 
Re: Pocket Monsters (6)

Thanks everyone! Working on Ch. 7 right now in between 4th of July parties. Hope everyone (in America especially) is enjoying the weekend!
 
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