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- Jun 11, 2010
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Hi, there! I've been meaning to check out your work for a while, and now's as good a time as any. This is for your latest chapter.
Team Rocket fics are pretty common around here, but there's a reason for it. There's a lot of potential with them and any other villain team, and I think you make good use of them here. Harriet actively being part of Team Rocket and committing crimes she didn't want to do is an interesting spin on it. Them overstepping bounds into the realm of child abuse and torture also adds to how "villain-y" they are, for lack of a better word. My only complaint about them might be that the torture scene was a bit lacking in description. While the names and things they threw at Harriet were awful and I do indeed think of it as mental torture, there were mentions of physical torture that I didn't see described. I assume that might've been to keep your Teen rating or to just not go into gruesome detail, which is fine, although even the smallest amount of detail goes a long way.
Harriet seems like a sweetheart. I'm not sure what to make of her character as a whole after reading only one chapter, but she seems to have a good heart, wants to do what's right, and feels guilty when she isn't able to help people. I think with such an intense chapter it might've gone a long way to describing her character through showing, not telling - ie., you say a lot of times that she's beyond overjoyed and relieved at Danny being saved, but how is she overjoyed? What images are going through her head? Is her heart pounding? Does she stammer when overexcited? Does she have an object she carries around for comfort that she was holding on to when she heard this news? Things like that would have added to the emotional depth of this chapter, I think.
I saw you were writing an original story soon, and I wish you luck with that and with this project if you're continuing it!
Team Rocket fics are pretty common around here, but there's a reason for it. There's a lot of potential with them and any other villain team, and I think you make good use of them here. Harriet actively being part of Team Rocket and committing crimes she didn't want to do is an interesting spin on it. Them overstepping bounds into the realm of child abuse and torture also adds to how "villain-y" they are, for lack of a better word. My only complaint about them might be that the torture scene was a bit lacking in description. While the names and things they threw at Harriet were awful and I do indeed think of it as mental torture, there were mentions of physical torture that I didn't see described. I assume that might've been to keep your Teen rating or to just not go into gruesome detail, which is fine, although even the smallest amount of detail goes a long way.
Harriet seems like a sweetheart. I'm not sure what to make of her character as a whole after reading only one chapter, but she seems to have a good heart, wants to do what's right, and feels guilty when she isn't able to help people. I think with such an intense chapter it might've gone a long way to describing her character through showing, not telling - ie., you say a lot of times that she's beyond overjoyed and relieved at Danny being saved, but how is she overjoyed? What images are going through her head? Is her heart pounding? Does she stammer when overexcited? Does she have an object she carries around for comfort that she was holding on to when she heard this news? Things like that would have added to the emotional depth of this chapter, I think.
I saw you were writing an original story soon, and I wish you luck with that and with this project if you're continuing it!