AetherX
make plove not warble
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2010
- Messages
- 2,102
- Reaction score
- 519
As promised.
Chapter 12: Good battles, if a little rushed (although I'm just a slow-moving person). I know as well as anyone else how difficult it is to write battles that have that many participants. The combination of Genesect and Victini is certainly formidable. Victini is a particularly unique Pokemon, and I like how you're making use of it. Schwarz's remark is starting to set off my sketchiness-radar regarding Freed's past.
Chapter 13: WHY?!?! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?! Here I am quietly assured of my hatred of Kevin and all that he represents, and you had to go and give him my favorite Pokemon. The fact that I am angry is proof of the fact that you have successfully emotionally involved me in the story. Well done, sir. Things are looking dark this chapter, but undoubtedly Reggie and co. will save the day. I like the fact that you have a chaotic character that's willing to mess things up for everyone, those are always fun.
Chapter 14: Annnnd my sketch-dar has a confirmed reading. Memento Mori? Remember your mortality? The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club*? Sounds... ominous. It's good to see Reggie exhibiting some sort of backbone for a bit, even if it almost killed him. The fusion was pretty cool, I look forward to seeing that idea expanded on more in the future. Thomas is sure hamming it up, be interesting to see who he is. I don't think Reggie's going to be standing up for himself anytime soon. Angst ahoy!
Chapter 15: It's always nice to see a good character get some well deserved poon. The fact that Fin's worried about Reggie even as Skyla is attempting to take his pants off just shows that he's a good friend. How heartwarming. Yay JackxMarie, bonus points for suspicions against Kevin. I'm not a big fan of Thomas' dashing yet derisive personality, but it makes for a good character. Well done on Reggie's angst, I think you may be starting to dispel those comments that Reggie is a shallow character.
Chapter 16: Not much more to see here, just more of that episodic stuff. I like it: good character development for Claudia. My only question is this, where in the Nine Hells did she get a grappling hook?**
Chapter 17: Enter the anti-heroes. Or maybe they will develop into full-fledged villains, who knows? Darren and Reggie's angst-off was eye opening. Hopefully it was for Reggie too, but I don't see this new found depression disappearing anytime soon. Again, good job on the emotion. Anyway, I'm already beginning to see the (quite obvious) seeds of corruption in these "Enforcers."
Chapter 18: You know what Reggie needs? He needs A.D. to show up again just long enough to punch him hard in the face, a la Kamina and Simon.*** Seriously, that kid's beginning to frustrate me. The Enforcers appear to be stereotypes and pricks. That was expected, but hopefully the stereotypical mother hen (Alexa) will keep them somewhat in line.
Overall:
PLOT-Finally we see some development here, although I honestly have no idea where you're going at this point. So many loose ends, but which ones actually will end up tied together? My interest is piqued, though, and it can no longer be argued that this fic has no overarching storyline.
CHARACTERS-This has always been your strong point, and it's finally starting to show through with Reggie. If anyone has doubts as to how much he deserves those awards, you have given them something to think about. The emotion and angst hidden within the dialogue is quite strong, and I'm impressed. I look forward to when he finally makes his turn around and proves that he really is a hero. Your minor characters are also fairly well developed, although you again encounter the difficulty of having TONS of them. I see you have gotten around this by writing entire chapters without a Reggie in sight, to great effect.
WRITING-Your grammar and punctuation has improved greatly, and the myriad mistakes I used to find no longer exist. When the few mistakes that you have do show up, however they are quite jarring. I am sure your beta-reader works hard, but when they let through things that make certain lines difficult to understand, something is wrong. I may start pointing these out in future chapters (hopefully I won't have to). Your description and dialogue are quite good, although the latter is hit and miss. You manage to include enough quirky humor to keep things lighthearted, but still portray an aura of darkness as things get worse for your characters. The back and forth between characters like Fin and Skyla or Valeria and Claudia amused me greatly.
* I don't think this is the first time I've referenced Calvin & Hobbes in a review of your fic
** The fact that I typed "Nine Hells" without even thinking probably shows me that I've been playing too much DnD and reading too many Forgotten Realms books
*** Or Simon and Rossiu, I guess. If you want to get that in depth...
DON'T JUDGE ME BECAUSE I LIKE FOOTNOTES! I JUST SPENT ALMOST AN HOUR AND A HALF WATCHING ANIMAL CROSSING: THE MOVIE. IT'S TWO-THIRTY IN THE MORNING AND I AM WIRED!
Chapter 12: Good battles, if a little rushed (although I'm just a slow-moving person). I know as well as anyone else how difficult it is to write battles that have that many participants. The combination of Genesect and Victini is certainly formidable. Victini is a particularly unique Pokemon, and I like how you're making use of it. Schwarz's remark is starting to set off my sketchiness-radar regarding Freed's past.
Chapter 13: WHY?!?! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?! Here I am quietly assured of my hatred of Kevin and all that he represents, and you had to go and give him my favorite Pokemon. The fact that I am angry is proof of the fact that you have successfully emotionally involved me in the story. Well done, sir. Things are looking dark this chapter, but undoubtedly Reggie and co. will save the day. I like the fact that you have a chaotic character that's willing to mess things up for everyone, those are always fun.
Chapter 14: Annnnd my sketch-dar has a confirmed reading. Memento Mori? Remember your mortality? The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club*? Sounds... ominous. It's good to see Reggie exhibiting some sort of backbone for a bit, even if it almost killed him. The fusion was pretty cool, I look forward to seeing that idea expanded on more in the future. Thomas is sure hamming it up, be interesting to see who he is. I don't think Reggie's going to be standing up for himself anytime soon. Angst ahoy!
Chapter 15: It's always nice to see a good character get some well deserved poon. The fact that Fin's worried about Reggie even as Skyla is attempting to take his pants off just shows that he's a good friend. How heartwarming. Yay JackxMarie, bonus points for suspicions against Kevin. I'm not a big fan of Thomas' dashing yet derisive personality, but it makes for a good character. Well done on Reggie's angst, I think you may be starting to dispel those comments that Reggie is a shallow character.
Chapter 16: Not much more to see here, just more of that episodic stuff. I like it: good character development for Claudia. My only question is this, where in the Nine Hells did she get a grappling hook?**
Chapter 17: Enter the anti-heroes. Or maybe they will develop into full-fledged villains, who knows? Darren and Reggie's angst-off was eye opening. Hopefully it was for Reggie too, but I don't see this new found depression disappearing anytime soon. Again, good job on the emotion. Anyway, I'm already beginning to see the (quite obvious) seeds of corruption in these "Enforcers."
Chapter 18: You know what Reggie needs? He needs A.D. to show up again just long enough to punch him hard in the face, a la Kamina and Simon.*** Seriously, that kid's beginning to frustrate me. The Enforcers appear to be stereotypes and pricks. That was expected, but hopefully the stereotypical mother hen (Alexa) will keep them somewhat in line.
Overall:
PLOT-Finally we see some development here, although I honestly have no idea where you're going at this point. So many loose ends, but which ones actually will end up tied together? My interest is piqued, though, and it can no longer be argued that this fic has no overarching storyline.
CHARACTERS-This has always been your strong point, and it's finally starting to show through with Reggie. If anyone has doubts as to how much he deserves those awards, you have given them something to think about. The emotion and angst hidden within the dialogue is quite strong, and I'm impressed. I look forward to when he finally makes his turn around and proves that he really is a hero. Your minor characters are also fairly well developed, although you again encounter the difficulty of having TONS of them. I see you have gotten around this by writing entire chapters without a Reggie in sight, to great effect.
WRITING-Your grammar and punctuation has improved greatly, and the myriad mistakes I used to find no longer exist. When the few mistakes that you have do show up, however they are quite jarring. I am sure your beta-reader works hard, but when they let through things that make certain lines difficult to understand, something is wrong. I may start pointing these out in future chapters (hopefully I won't have to). Your description and dialogue are quite good, although the latter is hit and miss. You manage to include enough quirky humor to keep things lighthearted, but still portray an aura of darkness as things get worse for your characters. The back and forth between characters like Fin and Skyla or Valeria and Claudia amused me greatly.
* I don't think this is the first time I've referenced Calvin & Hobbes in a review of your fic
** The fact that I typed "Nine Hells" without even thinking probably shows me that I've been playing too much DnD and reading too many Forgotten Realms books
*** Or Simon and Rossiu, I guess. If you want to get that in depth...
DON'T JUDGE ME BECAUSE I LIKE FOOTNOTES! I JUST SPENT ALMOST AN HOUR AND A HALF WATCHING ANIMAL CROSSING: THE MOVIE. IT'S TWO-THIRTY IN THE MORNING AND I AM WIRED!