TEEN: Pokémon Adventures: Red & Green

[Rockapheller]

​

 

[Beth Pavell]

Hi! I finally managed to get a chance to read chapter one and get you started with a review:

Technical Accuracy/Style
I get the impression that you're not a native speaker. Most of the story is technically accurate, but often you put things in a way that sounds odd.

He used a desolated field in the town

There's one example. Strictly speaking there's no reason why you couldn't say 'desolated'. It's just most people would expect to see 'desolate' (adj. uninhabited and giving the impression of bleak emptiness). There's a lot in there similar to that, such that I'm afraid it would take a beta read to properly tease them out.

When it comes to dialogue you do make some mistakes. Most obvious is that a new speaker needs a new paragraph, but you can find a guide to punctuating dialogue here.

Story
Journeyfics set in Kanto are one of the biggest clichés in Pokémon fanfiction, so there's a high bar set for the first chapter. This isn't bad. You take your time with it, which is always a good sign, I think. The basic structure of what happens is the same, but it doesn't feel like I've already read this a hundred times before.

Red's place in this story comes across as a bit grandiose. There's nothing wrong with making the (Especially canon) protagonist a bit different, but to me, the whole idea of taking a light into a dark place along with all that business about his father together came across as forced. If it's supposed to be interpreted as Red being literally afraid of the dark, then that's an unusual character trait to write, mind.

The implication that training the starter's going to require work is another encouraging sight. It all depends on how you develop it, of course. If Charmander's timid personality doesn't cause Red any ongoing problems then it's not much of a problem. In any case, while the Charmander starter is a cliché, a less-than-confident Charmander certainly isn't, so I call that a decent balance

 

[Snuggle Tier List]

This is a professional-looking fic that doesn't have any reviews. That doesn't seem fair, and I like making the world a little more fair. So I'm going to review it.

Why? Well, that's a good question. Your fic's got a certain shine to it, like you know what you're doing. Table of contents. Chapter banners. Having not read a single word of your actual fic, I can say it looks good. And by "looks", I mean it literally looks good. Lots of art, no walls of text. So whatever it is you're writing here, you seem to have put some time and effort into it. Which is a good sign for a discerning reader.

So why aren't you getting buzz? Where are the reviews? Surely, even if your fic was complete garbage, someone would at least comment on it. Being horrible is one way to get feedback, in a sense. But I'm not even seeing that. It's like your fic is invisible, glossed over by the entire Writer's Workshop. And there may be lurkers reading your fic and not commenting, but my admittedly short time amongst this community makes me suspicious of that theory. For one, there's no Likes, the lazy man's method of giving support. And we're a pretty chatty bunch here, with lots of incentive structures encouraging us to review. So, where's the reviews?

I'm in speculation territory, but if I had to guess, it's one thing and one thing only. And that is the name.

I'm going to be blunt: Pokemon Adventures: Red & Green is a generic name. It shares its name with the mainline Pokemon manga. It referenced the two most basic Pokemon games. And that's it. And when I'm browsing the most recent posts, Pokemon Adventures: Red & Green is the only part of your fic people see. Now, if they actually clink the link for five seconds of their time, they'll see a professional-looking banner and table of contents, and then they might decide to stay. But no one's staying because no one's coming through the door. And it isn't fair, fics shouldn't be judged by their author's ability to market, because writing and marketing are two completely different things with completely different goals. And, truth be told, I don't like seeing a fic as good-looking as yours be passed up like this. It doesn't seem fair, but I'm here now. Let's get you a review.

First things first: I'm going in blind. This will be a sequential as-I-read review, including your summary for the heck of it. As I write this, I have no idea what lies at the end of chapter four, or even the beginning of chapter one. So if I spend a paragraph complaining about something that'll be fixed later, the blame lies with me. Likewise, I'll probably make me some predictions as I read that may or may not turn out to be completely wrong. The point of this review style is to let you into the head of some random dude as he reads, and being some random dude, I'm not an expert. I might not even be representative of your lurker population, who I would strongly advise to stop lurking and give this guy some feedback. It looks like you deserve it. Or maybe not. Let's find out!

First, the summary. You got a couple paragraphs, and since the summary is the "make-or-break" moment for an on-the-fence reader, I'm going to break down each paragraph one by one. Let's take it from the top!

The idea of this fanfiction was born upon the lack of dark themed Pokémon games or shows by the official organization. Pokémon world can be dangerous and challenging. Those who step in and try their best may end up facing hard and horrible situations from serious injures to death. This fanfiction focuses on what it would be really like if Pokémon world adressed to more realistic situations for younger people. However, the story doesn't involve harsh injures or explicit deaths.

You know what? I like this summary. I, too, share a longing for more mature Pokemon fiction. You inform the fic's focus, give them a good statement of intent, and set a limit for how dark you're aiming to write. I'm not someone who puts much stock in authorial intent, but hearing a blunt-and-honest statement from the author first thing out the gate is a welcome surprise. Fan fiction needs more blunt honesty.

Unfortunately, I can see why I'm the first reviewer. There's a couple red flags in this summary, some of them petty, some of them with merit.

• Pokemon dark fic has a stigma. I can't back this up with any individual source, and I wouldn't want to single people out anyways, but I've heard whispers during my short time in the Writer's Workshop. "Darker and more mature" has become synonymous with "edgy and cliche", and whether that's true or not, the perception is real. Someone could very well see the words "dark themed" and book it for the exits. And I'm not saying they should or that it's fair for them to do so. You can explore darker and mature subjects without dipping into edginess. But that's the perception according to this random dude, and I so I think being mature is ironically a turnoff.
• Technicals. I'm not a gramnah snob, I don't care for rigid grammah rules. If you ask me, I think it's far more useful to say "screw the rules" and start viewing what you write as encoding under Stuart Hill's encoding/decoding information theory (link to timestamped video), then analyze each sample on a case-by-case basis. But I'm in a minority in the written world, and while I do think more general grammah rules will become more popular as we reap the results of our current mass media environment (Facebook, Twitter, etc.), it's gonna be a long time before the established grammah institutions suck up their pride and admit not every rule always matters. However, if I did criticize you on your grammah, I might do something like this:

The idea of }This fanfiction was born upon the lack of dark themed Pokémon games or shows by the official organization. The Pokémon world can be dangerous and challenging. Those who step in and try their best may end up facing hard and horrible situations from serious injuries to death. This fanfiction focuses on what it would be really like if the Pokémon world addressed to more realistic situations for younger people. However, this story doesn't involve harsh injuries or explicit deaths.

I'm doing a quick-and-sloppy editing job, I'm sure a serious grammah Nazi could sniff out more errors, but it's enough to show you there's grammah that could be improved. I'm not going to give you a list of every violation because 1. that'd make me a doofus, and 2. it doesn't matter that much anyways. Still, people believe what they believe, and they're gonna judge you for petty grammah whether it's fair or not. Putting in the time to just double-check spelling gives your fic a real professionalism boost. And just in case you need a spell checker and can't afford Microsoft Office, I'd recommend LibreOffice or (if you're a tech nerd like me that likes fighting with computers) the DSpellCheck plugin for Notepad++. Most internet browsers come with spell check too, as well as most default keyboards for mobile. I also just spent about an hour chasing a universal spell check feature for Android and while I think it exists, I can't get it to work. I should probably get on with the review.

I'm realizing this review is coming off rather cynical of the world, and that's a personal bias of mine you should be aware off. Again, I'm just some dude on the internet; feel free to blow me off and never see me again, because you got a right to choose your target audience. If I ever come off too harsh or cynical, just tell me your fic wasn't made for me and we'll move on with our lives. And as much grandstanding I did about this review being a charity, really, you don't need me. There are plenty of other avenues to get a review around here - the Review League, the Review Game - and that's assuming you want a review in the first place. Maybe you're writing for yourself first, and personally, I think that's a great way to write. But I'm going to babble on regardless, and if I step on some toes, please kick me to the curb.

We're only one paragraph in, so let's pick up the pace.

The story is based on the core series Pokémon games. The beginning focuses on the journey of Redwald and Greta (based on Red and Green/Blue) who leave Masara Town and meet the real dangers of Pokémon world.

Again, I think this is a good move. You've established your intent in paragraph one, so now you move on to specifics. You started with the "why", and now you're moving on to the "how". This is how you structure a summary. This is good.

However, I do think your execution here is flawed, and I can pin that on one things: Genericism.

From what I can tell, this is a retelling of the core series games. Your protagonists are based off of Red and Green. Now, at risk of being a snarky critic, here's a paragraph from Bulbapedia's article on Pokemon Adventures, the manga, with important phrases underlined by me:

Unlike the anime—which, though drawing much inspiration from the games, does not follow them exactly—Pokémon Adventures is a mostly game-based manga, with the twenty-one main characters taking their names from the core series games and their various adventures tending to stay restricted to their home region. Also unlike the anime, which has gone to great lengths to indicate the danger of a Legendary or Mythical Pokémon being captured, the main characters of Pokémon Adventures have captured and sometimes use their own legends, much as the player can in the games. Pokémon Adventures also contains darker elements than other media, including certain characters and some Pokémon actually dying.

In other words, you have the misfortune of an officially licensed Pokemon product that promises more-or-less the same experience as your fanfic. And it just so happens to have the exact same name, up to an including the subtitle Red & Green.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't know this manga existed when your named your fic. In which case, my lad, you might be the most unlucky person on Earth. I can't really give constructive criticism on avoiding "unknown unknowns", because you had no way of knowing of this manga's existence. All I can really offer is that you take a walk through Bulbapedia and see what other Pokemon media is out there, so that you can get a working idea of what's already been done.

Oh, and, uh, maybe check out Pokemon: Adventures some time. It seems to be your sort of thing.

We're only, like, two hundred words in. Let's get on with it.

Format

The place and Pokémon names are derived from their Japanese names to give a more authentic environment to the world. The concept of time is densely changed to fit it the traditions of the fictional world more. Despite of the story being based on Pokémon Red & Green versions, features that are introduced later in the games, such as genders, new moves, abilities and such are introduced from the first chapter to let more characteristic and different Pokémon and situations get involved.

...I can't lie. I was confused reading this paragraph. The grammah is reaching the point where it's a little taxing reading this to myself. But I already mentioned grammah, and it's one of those things that reviewers don't really need to repeat. Beating a dead horse and all that. You're smart; you can grammah-fy your own mistakes. Or if you need help, check out The Samples Thread in The Written Word. Post any passage you might be unsure about there and mention that you're unsure about your grammah, and give the community time to reply. There's more qualified people than me to be correcting grammah, is what I'm saying.

Let's keep up the pace.

Rating: Teen

Moderate Violence
The Pokémon battles may rarely include blood and more often injury.
The death is involved, but only addressed to people.

Moderate Suggestive Themes
There are/will be homosexual characters who are in a relationship or married. However, no nudity will be involved.


Chapters

Chapter 01 Bon Voyage
Chapter 02 Crew Promises
Chapter 03 Order of Battle
Chapter 04 Legend of Air Masters

I want to mention your use of formatting, because it's good. You really make your writing physically look good, and that's something not enough people bother with. For all my bagging about grammah, you have a good sense of when to use bold and italics. I know writing isn't technically a visual medium, but you gotta use your eyeballs if you wanna read a story. So...yeah, visuals matter, and you've nailed it so far.

I do, however, want to discuss one word:

Moderate Suggestive Themes
There are/will be homosexual characters who are in a relationship or married. However, no nudity will be involved.

If you're going to make a content warning about characters being in a romantic relationship, there is no need to mention sexuality. Being homosexual does not make the relationship inappropriate, and putting homosexuality under "Suggestive Themes" sends all the wrong messages. A review isn't the time or place to discuss why that is so, and forgive me for being blunt. I needed to bring it up.

And now, we're onto your actual fic! Let's check out Chapter One: Bon Voyage.

As the first lights of the morning rose upon glorious Kanto region, the old buildings in compact Masara Town once again began to gleam on the streets. The trees shook their leaves with soft breeze, Poppo and Onisuzume flew through them to inhale the fresh morning air. The town wasn’t a big place, and there weren’t many young people. Seeing many people on the streets after the first daylight would be almost impossible. But if somebody walked on the detrited asphalts, they could see some happy old faces behind the windows of the old houses, enjoying the chill air in this autumn morning. Because the town was covered with forests from north, east and west, the temperature would always be slightly colder compared to seasonal normal temperature. The south, however, would lead to the sea that separates Masara Town and an island.

Before I even begin to discuss this paragraph, let me just say that the first paragraph of your fic's first chapter is probably the most important paragraph of your entire. Some of your readers are probably still on the fence, and they want to see you in action before they fully commit. If they like what they see, they'll probably give some slack and read the next few paragraphs. But if they spot a red flag, they're probably not going to stay. So forgive me if I transform into the most nitpicky nitpicker you'll ever see.

Let's break this paragraph down as much as possible, starting with the first sentence:

As the first lights of the morning rose upon glorious Kanto region, the old buildings in compact Masara Town once again began to gleam on the streets.

Not bad. I'm not the biggest imagery guy myself, but I can appreciate the craft, and I see what you're going for here. You describe some visual eye candy while subtlety dropping some exposition (region is Kanto, town is Masara Town, Masara town is old). If someone was judging your writing just by your first sentence, they'd probably come off with a positive opinion. Props.

The trees shook their leaves with soft breeze, Poppo and Onisuzume flew through them to inhale the fresh morning air. The town wasn’t a big place, and there weren’t many young people.

Speaking of imagery, we now have two proper noun that context clues tell me are Pokemon. As a reader, my mind is thinking: who are Poppo and Onisuzume? But then you shifted back to describing the town, and I wasn't really interested in that. I know what towns look like. Who are Poppo and Onisuzume?

Writing this, I realize that you made the artistic decision to derive Pokemon names from their Japanese counterparts. However, I am not Japanese. I don't know the Japanese names of Pokemon. And this fic is written in English, which means it's going to be read by primarily English speakers. And I'm a pretty big Pokefan myself, but even I couldn't tell you what Pikachu's name is in Japanese. Not without looking it up, at least. And I'm assuming you don't want to write a story where your audience has to open a new tab every time a new species of Pokemon is introduce. For all I know, Poppo and Onisuzume are nicknames, and looking them up isn't going to get me anything. Which leads me to a general lesson that applies to a lot of things:

When describing a scene, start by describing the most unusual or important objects first, then work your way down.

For instance, say I start a scene like this:

"There's a man chasing me with a knife!"

There's a lot of details that need to be filled in. Who is this man? Why is he chasing me? Who am I? Where am I? And so on. But there's one question that's more important than the rest: Is this man going to kill me? So, as a writer, you start to answer that question:

"He's at the other end of the alley, running straight at me! I'm running out of breath!"

I could go on, but you get the picture. Notice how I slipped the word "alley" in there, thus beginning to answer the question of "Where am I?" This saves me the trouble of answering that question later, once the knife-wielding maniac has been dealt with.

I'm getting off topic. Let's get back to your fic:

Seeing many people on the streets after the first daylight would be almost impossible. But if somebody walked on the detrited asphalts, they could see some happy old faces behind the windows of the old houses, enjoying the chill air in this autumn morning. Because the town was covered with forests from north, east and west, the temperature would always be slightly colder compared to seasonal normal temperature. The south, however, would lead to the sea that separates Masara Town and an island.

More imagery, which is always appreciated. Sneaking some exposition in there to help describe the scene, which is they way to do it, by the way. If I had to nitpick, I'd say that clincher is a little too much unrelated exposition, but that's a nitpick.

So! Going off only your first paragraph, what impressions could I form of your writing?

• Asset: You're good at imagery. You make things pop in people's visual memory.
• Asset: Exposition. You're good at subtly and smoothly cluing your in to needed details, all without wasting any time.
• Flaw: Prioritization. You don't always what's most important in a scene. You have some tunnel vision, focusing your words towards one thing at a time even when something more important comes up.

Overall, while I wouldn't call your writing style perfect, it's definitely better than tolerable. There is value in what you write, there is value in reading what you write, and if you aren't patting yourself on the back right about now, you should.

Let's keep going. I'm going to start scaling back and looking at things from a more general standpoint, as we're past the critical first impressions. But I'll zoom in on anything that I feel is worth a mention.

The population of the town had never exceeded over one thousand people in the history. Around these days of 1996, it was barely more than three hundred. The Pokémon, however, had always increased due to natural vibes of the town. Pokémon would always find a room for themselves. If they were hungry, they would be fed. If they needed shelter, they would be given one. If they were hurt, they would be treated properly.

This is less "describing the scene" and more general worldbuilding. It's a rather idealistic take on a world, where issues like hunger and safety are still present, but are being dealt with reasonably effectively. And to me, that's the perfect type of world to start your story in. You're both tapping into escapism while still leaving open the possibility of darker, more mature themes down the line. And this is where I pervert some universally-accepted writing wisdom to suit my own needs.

You might already be familiar with the Hero's Journey. Long story short, it's a narrative formula for storytelling, detailing a hero's rise and fall and rise again and blah blah blah, I've never been a big fan. But what if the hero wasn't a person? What if it was a world?

Pokemon's a pretty optimistic franchise. And the world has always been center stage. As in, here's a quote from Junichi Masuda, producer for the majority of Pokemon's core series games:

It’s the type of place, the Pokémon world, where problems we face on Earth just wouldn’t happen. There wouldn’t be global warming, water shortages, or anything like that. It’s a world where the people in it really want to work together with each other. Their value system is such where they would prefer to work together and eliminate these problems rather than feud.

But I have a feeling you're a little lukewarm on this quote. And that's because of something you said in your summary:

[The] Pokémon world can be dangerous and challenging. Those who step in and try their best may end up facing hard and horrible situations from serious injures to death. This fanfiction focuses on what it would be really like if Pokémon world adressed to more realistic situations for younger people.

Now, I have a feeling you still are a fan a Pokemon. As am I. I mean, we're in a fan fiction subforum. We're pretty deep in the nerd. But I'm not sure I agree with Junichi Masuda's sunshine-and-rainbows approach to Pokemon. By the Pokemon world's own logic, some very bad things have the potential to happen, and they only get addressed when you're deep in the nerd. And so we're spending our time reading and writing fan fiction, trying to make sense of it all. But we're fans, heck it, and we ain't moving on, no matter what my therapist tells me! I don't need these antipsychotics! Where's my Sinnoh remake, dammit! Why are you calling the cops? I'm not going back!

...I might be projecting a little. But I think you know what I'm trying to say. You're setting up a good foundation with these first few paragraphs, and I'm interested to see where it goes. So let's keep going.

Professor Okido, one of the most famous scientists from Kanto, would deserve a reputable credit for that. He dedicated his youth to science. He took his years researching the relationship of Humans and Pokémon. He travelled different regions to work with other scientists, investigate different species and extend his knowledge. But he had always been loyal to his hometown...

Now we're getting into some character development. And once again, you're using your imagery powers to make what would be exposition seem natural. Although we're getting so deep into town's history, I'd almost call it a B-plot. Or A-Plot, considering how little we know about Poppo and Onisuzume at this point in time.

But I digress. I'm starting to see some minor cracks in the idealism. For instance, this old-fashioned town had a small case of Not In My Backyard when it came to Professor Okido's lab. Still, they did eventually come around, and they do view Professor Okido as a respectable authority figure. Which, being a Professor, still sheds some positive light on this world's values. Namely: science! Research is good! Even the traditionalists respect the value of scientific knowledge. Which, in my personal opinion and anecdotal experience, is not something the real world has quite caught up to yet. Let's just say I know some people that dispute the shape of the Earth, and we'll leave it at that.

Back in your fic, let's review what we know about Professor Okido:

1. He's a Professor. Unless we got a Dr. Phil thing going on, but I'm taking it on good faith he's called Professor for a reason.
2. He's traveled the world researching Pokemon. Thus, he probably knows his stuff.
3. He grew up in Masada. Doesn't say much about his personality - plenty of people like their hometown, plenty of people loathe their hometown - but it's a nice detail. Giving your characters a birthplace is a good reminder that they were, indeed, born, and thus has had some sort of childhood. Thus, he's not a timeless immortal that never ages, cough, Ash, cough.
4. He's loyal to Masada. This one's both explicitly stated and shown through his action of building his laboratory. I didn't pick up exactly why - traditionalists and scientists tend not to mix - so I'm going to speculate Professor Okido doesn't want to see his childhood town have no association to his profession. Thus, I can assume he had a happy childhood and that he likes his job. But I'm just speculating.
5. He's pretty good at talking to people. Or at the very least, convincing them of his opinions. I mean, he got the lab built, didn't he?
6. He's a decent businessman. Labs don't fund themselves; he needs grant money, and from the looks of it, his lab has attracted the town quite a few tourists. I can see several avenues for him to secure his funding, but I won't bother with boring financials unless it becomes a plot point.

That's a lot of characterization. And while I wouldn't call it a short period of time, it all seemed to flow naturally. You paint a pleasant picture with your words, and that always makes the exposition pill easier to swallow.

Giving all the credits solely to Professor Okido would be unfair, however, to his scientist team and Parker family in particular. Parker family had been running a Day Care service in the town. People who needed to go on a vacation would leave their Pokémon in Day Care service for several days and be sure that their Pokémon would be safe there. Whenever Professor Okido had so many works to do and didn’t have proper time to take care of his many Pokémon in the laboratory, he would call the Parker family and ask someone to come over and take care of baby Pokémon. Day Care service wouldn’t charge any money.

Okay, now I'm getting butterflies in my stomach. I wouldn't go so far to call it heartwarming, but you seem to be creating a cast of very likable people. And normally I'd call this glurge, but like I mentioned before, you've shown that the world still has some suffering in it, though. You might be teetering on the edge of cheesiness, but...I like it. I'm still reading.

When the sun rose higher, the sun lights reached to a teenager’s room from a closed window without curtain. There was a boy lying in his bed, staring at the bookshelf on the blue wall. His hand was still on the alarm clock that apparently went off just a moment ago. The boy moved over the blanket and walked through the room in his maroon pyjamas. There was one particular notebook on the shelf that he wanted to reach to. It was worn out. Redwald grabbed it and smiled. “I will finish this for us.” He mumbled. Only seconds after, he heard his mum calling out his name.

Wait, what? Who's Redwald? What's going on? checks notes

Okay, so Redwald's the guy based on Red. So he's also the teenager in the same scene. But his name was introduced when we had already established him as "the boy", and there doesn't seem to be anything explicitly linking Redwald to "the boy". I mean, Redwald mentioned "us", which led me to assume he was "the boy"'s Pokemon, maybe? And now that I mention it, who is "us"? Is there someone else in the room, or is the murmuring supposed to imply he's still half asleep and his mind's somewhere else at the moment? Or is...

...yeah, this scene's language structure bounced off me. I might be missing something. I won't bag on you for too long. Moving on.

“Red! Breakfast is about to be ready!” She yelled from downstairs. Redwald put the notebook on the shelf gently and walked to wardrobe to change his clothes. When he checked himself on the mirror, only his messy hair didn’t look fine. He fixed it quickly and walked downstairs.

...you named him Redwald so you could justify calling him Red, didn't you?

This is weird territory for ne. As you probably noticed, I have a nostalgic connection to the Pokemon world, even if I do want it to grow up sometime. But Red? Eh. I've never viewed Red as anything more than a blank slate, an avatar for the player to inhabit. His confusing maybe-muteness breaks my suspension of disbelief if I view him as a character in his own right. And so far, Red is the least developed character in your fic, besides his appearance (a character quality that usually doesn't tell you much). So hearing his name feels a little...forced? Exploitative? Pander-y? I'm not feeling anything, is what I'm saying. And your biggest strength, imagery, isn't being used here.

...wait a minute, what happened to Poppo and Onisuzume? Did we just pan away while they were flying through the trees? We never learned who they are. Were they important? I mean, if they weren't important, then they wouldn't have been mentioned...would they? I mean, that's violating the Law of Conservation of Detail, unless they were just some sort of set dressing for the town and I'm hideously out of the loop.

Yeah, I'm not enjoying this part of the chapter as much as what came before. But I have a feeling Professor Okido is going to be formally introduced soon, and he seems like a strong character, so I'm still reading. Let's see where we go.

When he entered the kitchen, the smell of newly toasted bread covered all around. “Morning, mum.” Redwald said. The woman was pouring tea in the glasses. She lifted her head, shook it to let her long, black hair get off her face. “Morning.” She said humbly. She put the teapot on the table and sat on the chair. Redwald sat next to her.

Let's talk about "mum". What do we know about "mum"?

1. She makes breakfast for her children. Okay, so she afford food and is willing to feed her children. Basic human decency.
2. She, uh...had black hair? Sorry, long black hair.

I'm going to be blunt: I know you can do better than this. I know because you already have. Remember that giant list of character traits we made for Professor Okido? I didn't bother making a list for the Parker family because I had already praised you for your characterization, but they were decent characters, too! Services for no money? That's a huge signifier of character.

But I'm just not seeing the same level of characterization from Red and "mum". Which makes it hard for me to care when they start speaking:

“Morning.” She said humbly. She put the teapot on the table and sat on the chair. Redwald sat next to her.

“So, the big day has come, huh?” Melissa said. “When do you visit Professor?”

Look, I know I'm being negative, I know I'm being a mean critic, but I try and tune my praise to the talent level of the person I'm reviewing. And you are a talented writer. You have skills, I've seen it. You have flaws, too, but even professional writers have. The trick is figuring out where your strengths lie and playing to those strengths. And your strength, beyond all others, is imagery. At the start of this review, I was talking about how your fic literally looks good, and it turns out that's more than literal. Your best talent is painting pictures in people's heads, and when you're using that talent, everything else seems to fall in place. So please, give me vivid descriptions of the setting and world, and let all the other stuff flow from there. That is your writing style, that is what you are good at. Use it!

Eh. Sorry for coming off preachy. If it means anything, the reason I'm so worked up is because I do actually want you to improve. I do care about you, I do care your writing, and that is why I'm spending way too much of my free time writing this gargantuan review. Seriously, this the longest review I've written for the Bulbagarden forums, and I'm only halfway through the first chapter. And I'm finishing this, heck it:

“After the breakfast.” Redwald said. The smile on Melissa’s face suddenly disappeared. She seemed rather worried. “After the breakfast?” She repeated. “I thought you would be around until afternoon.”

That's a nice touch. Mother wants to spend as much time as possible with her son. And if this is like the games, then Melissa isn't living with a husband or boyfriend or even other children. So once Red leaves, she's going to be at home alone with no one to cook breakfast for.

“You better be.” Melissa said. “I told the girls I won’t be going to patisserie today.”

Aaaaand now it's less sad. Mother has social supports outside of her son, and she's complaining about something she could've averted. How about asking your son when he's leaving before the day of?

Also, had to look up patisserie on Wikipedia. Apparently:

A pâtisserie (pronounced [pɑtisʁi]) is a type of French or Belgian bakery that specializes in pastries and sweets, as well as a term for these types of food; in English it is often used without the accent. In both countries, it is a legally controlled title that may only be used by bakeries that employ a licensed maître pâtissier in French, meester banketbakker in Dutch, Konditormeister in German (master pastry chef).

So she's talking about a fancy bake shop. So far, Mother's character has a conspicuous amount of baking in her life.

“You should, mum.” Redwald said. “It is not the girls’ place, but yours. You need to keep things in control. They won’t work as hard as they would when you’re not around.”

Turns out she's a professional baker! Knew it.

However, uh...this dialogue. Why is a teenager lecturing their Mother on how to run a business, a business they have shown no skill in? Red didn't cook breakfast. Mother did. Mother's the expert here, Red.

Also, "the girls"? That's a weird phrase. Like, if this was The Real Housewives Of Pallet Town, then maybe it'd fit. But grouping people up by gender is a reality-TV level of stupid. And if this is Mother's place of work, then "the girls" would imply that she exclusively hires girls. Which is creepy. Grouping people by gender for anything besides basic identification, cultural research, and medical necessity is dangerously close to stereotyping. Even identification can be a problem if it doesn't recognize the existence of non-binary gender (disclaimer: I am a straight white man)

But I'm not here to talk about gender rights. I'm here to talk about your fic. And the dialogue here, with the weird teenager-explains-to-parent and the weird choice of words, is leaning me towards a conclusion.

Red and his mother are idiots.

However! It'd be cruel of me not to mention that you have shown yourself capable of overcoming stupid dialogue:

Masara was one of the oldest towns in Kanto, and they thought, they didn’t need such recent buildings there. But Professor Okido talked to the inhabitants and eased their worries. Listening to a reputable person was always easier. So, people listened to what Professor said and let him do what he wanted.

This right here is implied dialogue. The words aren't put directly on paper, and so are left to the reader's imagination. Context clues suggested Professor Okido was a smart guy, so I imagined smart dialogue. This puts more work on the reader's end, but again, your skill with imagery meant I already had a mental scene in place.

It's a risky strategy relying on implication. Depending on the reader's imagination means they're going to have different interpretations based on their life experiences. Me, I've seen a lot of stuff with (in my opinion) good dialogue, and so I was able to extrapolate from that pretty easily. Not everyone else is like me. There's probably someone out there that doesn't have a good reference bank for dialogue, who can't imagine a scene of Professor Okido calming assuring the community in one of those town meetings old people with nothing to do go to. He's explaining how big it boost it would be for the local economy, how it would attract customers to these old people's shops. He's talking about the tax revenue it would generate and how it could be used to better maintain the town's tradition style. He's talking about how he grew up in Masara, that he loves his hometown, and how he truly thinks it'll make the town a better place. And that is some good dialogue you put into my head through the power of imagery. I would not have imagined that scene without your prodding, I wouldn't have cared about Professor Okido's speech if you didn't describe his history so well. And after all that, to read this:

"It is not the girls’ place, but yours."

That just breaks my heart, man.

I'm starting to repeat myself. Forgive me if I skip ahead.

Redwald left the house after the breakfast and found himself on the road with cracked asphalt to Okido’s laboratory. He remembered how he’d have to walk this way to go to the school almost every day. In his last year in the school, he was asked if he’d like to continue his education in high school. But he already knew he didn’t intend to pursue an academical future. He only wanted to make his dream come true. In order to do that, he’d have to leave his house when the day comes. And there it was; the day had come.

Yes, this is the good stuff. You're making it look easy. Details like this:

...on the road with cracked asphalt to Okido's laboratory.

They carry a lot of weight. Cracked asphalt indicates poorly maintained roads. Poorly maintained roads indicate no money for roadwork. Perhaps the Masara town budget is being siphoned towards some other public work. Perhaps Masara is a lower-income town and that the residents don't have enough taxable income to fill the city's budget needs. Perhaps the road is a private road that's technically part of Professor Okido's laboratory, and road maintenance is not one of his fortes. Any of these possibilities enrich the scene, enrich the world, even enrich the characters. This might not even be stuff you're thinking about as you write, or maybe it is. But it just make story feel so much more alive. I love it.

Oh, and that stuff about Red's high school years? That's how you develop a character. That's how you develop their personalities. Because now, Red as an ambition, something deep inside him that shapes everything he does. And it's soooo good.

“After all,” Professor Okido said, “any species that live in Kanto region has a room in my backyard.” Redwald was amazed when he heard it. “Any species? Any that I can find in Kanto, Professor?”

And now that Red has an established ambition, this dialogue works so much better. Not only do we have the established expert Professor Okido acting like a confident expert, but I can just see the twinkle in Red's eyes when Professor Okido makes that claim. And it's good. Really, really good.

I think I want to call this review here. I don't want to repeat myself too much, I've said what I've needed to say, and there's a point where I gotta get back to my life. You have quite the interesting writing style, Rockapheller. For all the complaints I raised, I still enjoyed reading your fic. And as I'm writing this, I'm skimming through the rest of Chapter One, and I'm thinking about reading Chapter Two. I think you have some serious talent, if you use it right. I hope you keep writing, even if it's just for yourself. And I hope I didn't come off as too much of a know-it-all. Truth be told, you seem to a master of things that I'd call my weaknesses.

Take care. And keep it up. Please.