TEEN: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Guiding Light (Vol. 1)

[LightningTopaz]

@Ambyssin

It was a real pleasure to read the fic for the awards--I wish you the best of luck with it.

 

[Flaze]

Here for my awards judging dude! and finally fully caught up with this story as well.

Review on the fic as a whole:

Plot

From the moment Guiding Light starts up it seems to be a straight forward PMD fic but with some deconstruction aspects to it, such as Shane being literally shown dying before going to the Pokemon world or how his role there might not be as heroic as he thinks.

The story overall does a good job of replicating the whimsical and surreal feeling of the games, with a cast of colorful characters and a story that, if simple at first, has a lot of interesting concepts and implements the elements introduced in Gen 7 in a very unique way. This is all coupled with the deconstruction aspect I mentioned before, such as the story going out of its way to showcase that Shane isn’t a hero just because he’s a human and that his assumptions about his destiny only work to hinder him.

It’s in these aspects that the story starts to change as it goes ON. The more we learn about the plot, the darker and more serious it becomes and the less conventional it becomes as well. Aside from trying to break away from PMD clichés, the story also takes a look at each of the characters, their actions and the world they live in and how that’s influenced it. Particularly interesting is how the story grabs elements from past games and refurnishes them to adapt them to this one, as well as how it has a sort of generational feel when later chapters reveal that things have been working in the background since before Tessa’s generation.

If I had to give a complaint is that the plot moves somewhat slowly. While the story has quite a few chapters published already, and there are a lot more chapters incoming as we speak, the story’s overall moved relatively slow in regards to developing the plot, with only a few hints being given here and there. We do get some more information on what’s going on and what might happen, but overall the story is content with sticking to the pacing you’d expect from a mystery dungeon game.

Setting

Horizon is an interesting continent all things considered. Much like the story, a lot of Horizon’s culture and feel is inspired by Alola and concepts introduced in Gen 7. However, Amby’s been able to craft a pretty interesting extension to the PMD world with different areas and zones, one thing in particular is the way in which it tackles Dungeons in that they’re not ever-changing environments but rather get shifted around by the Tapus every once in a while.

That being said, there’s not much to it besides that. The story doesn’t really go too into detail about Horizon’s mythology, at least not yet, and a lot of the interesting aspects from its world are things that it borrows from the games or that are carried over. That’s not to say it doesn’t make a good interpretation, it does, it just doesn’t really go beyond that.

Characterization

Guiding Light’s characters are more than meets the eye. It’s true that a lot of them fall into very specific archetypes, particularly the bizarre ones that are explored in the PMD games. However, as the story goes on and we learn more about the characters we realize that things aren’t quite as they seem. Shane for example at first comes off as an arrogant but unaware guy, someone that lets himself get carried away because he doesn’t know any better.

However, as the story goes on we start to see more of his insecurities, particularly the ones he had in the real world. Stuff like his possessiveness or obsession with wanting to prove himself or disregard for others because he thinks he’s a hero easily catch up to him and make him an interesting character.

The same could be said for Tessa who also gets a lot more to her, though I’d be saving my talk about her for her own judging.

I particularly liked the side stories for how it showed more personality for the members of team MIB and Tessa’s mother as well as Team Captivate. Metagross and Braviary are treated as strict mentor figures who’ve seen a lot during their years and Crystal herself is shown as Tessa’s idol and the pinnacle of an adventurer, while Team Captivate also fill a role of big sisters and mentors for the younger guilds. So it was interesting to see how these characters were in the past and how they interact when not surrounded by the other guild members respectively.

Where I do think the story fails a bit is with its antagonists. So far we have five regular antagonists, two being jokes, two being more serious but only appearing regularly and one who we’ve only seen once and don’t know much about besides what the other characters say. Of these Espy and Umbry are the most interesting but so far they’re pretty one note villains.

Writing Style

Guiding Light’s style isn’t really anything to write home about. It’s not bad, in fact it’s pretty good at conveying the character’s emotions and particularly good when it comes to action scenes. However, it’s nothing particularly special outside of getting its job done.

Where I do take a couple of issues is with the length of the chapters. Now, long chapters aren’t bad in and of itself, but a lot of the time it feels like the chapters are unnecessarily long, characters might talk a lot more than needed or maybe, and in most cases, battles end up becoming way longer than they should. I get that the reason for this is that amby wants to recreate the feel of battles in the game, but it can drag the story down a bit.

Tied to that is that the description can sometimes become a little frenzied and hard to really detail, particularly when scene becomes more uncontrolled.

Where I do think the writing excels, again, is at conveying character interactions, particularly heavy emotions and feelings, which is always a plus.

Technical

Not much to say in this regard. Comments about writing style aside, Guiding Light actually has a pretty spotless record when it comes to grammar, there are a couple of mistakes here and there but they’re very few and far between.

A few words on our two uh...disturbed main characters:

Shane

Depth

A good character isn’t a likeable character and that is very true for Shane. Shane is your typical nerdy protagonist who dreams of being a hero one day and who gets his wish by being taken to the Pokemon world…only that he doesn’t realize that just getting sent to the Pokemon world doesn’t make him a hero, that past heroes regardless of how destined they were, had to work hard and acclimate themselves to the world rather than assume that the world would bend over backwards for them (even if the games kind of do that in some aspects).

All of that is coupled with Shane’s issues from his life as a human, his lack of confidence in himself, laziness, possessiveness towards others, a judgy and confrontational personality and occasional disregard for others when it didn’t suit his needs.

They’re all genuine character flaws that come up again and again and screw Shane up on multiple levels and it makes him a deeper character because it makes him feel more realistic. Sure, they’re not aspects we want to accept about ourselves but we all have a little bit of Shane in us.

Development

Shane’s development is another interesting part about his character. So far, every arc has had one confrontation between Shane and Tessa due to Shane constantly pushing Tessa around and not thinking about her feelings in some way shape or form. Shane does try to improve, but every time he fails or doesn’t get what he wants he ends up reverting to his old self with even more intensity.

Some might say that this is an annoying part about Shane because he can’t learn the lesson but I actually think it’s something that brings out the more realistic aspects in him. It’s hard for us to accept and overcome our flaws, heck it’s hard to overcome them even when we accept them. Shane himself hasn’t learned humility, which is the biggest quality he needs.

He knows he can step out of line and he knows that he can ignore other’s feelings, but all of that gets outdone by his own sense of entitlement that he doesn’t lose because he keeps thinking that he’s in a game. All of that makes Shane a good example in character regression and how a character can develop and regress in a human way simply due to the fact that they never learn the real lesson of the story.

Originality

Shane isn’t exactly original per se, at least not to what you might expect. Shane’s character base is that of your nerdy relatable protagonist who is supposed to represent those self-insert characters for people who just want to escape to a fantasy world. He’s a nerd who’s played the games almost religiously, he understands every aspect and cliché of them and he’s treated as a loser in the real world and wants a new lease on life.

However, what stands out about Shane is how Guiding Light deconstructs his character mold. Not only does he get a Pokemon that, while not weak, can be pretty hard to work with. His character flaws and personality problems hinder him even more than they did in the real world and it’s those very aspects of himself, the aspects that these types of stories usually emphasize, that end up screwing him over. All of that culminates in the latest arc where Shane basically gets on everyone’s bad side due to his (might I say racist?) remarks that end up causing trouble for everyone in the guild.

Entertainment Value

All of Shane’s flaws and occasional annoyance aside, he’s still…kind of fun to look at. He makes for a great comedic relief character if anything and it’s fun to see the kind of crazy and weird situations he ends up in missions due to either his own stupidity or the fact that he can let the Vulpix part of him get carried away.

And well, I guess you can say that seeing all the drama and turmoil he brings up is also pretty entertaining in and of itself. I’ve pretty much already said everything I could about his entertainment value in the past categories.

Role

All of the aforementioned traits actually make Shane a pretty interesting protagonist. Arrogant or not, he definitely knows how to command the story and the fact that we get to see him mess up so much and try to (hopefully) learn from his mistakes also keeps him in a constant spotlight. There’s also the fact that regardless of whether or not he’s a hero or destiny he still manages to bring himself into every situation and the knowledge he has about the games also causes him to have his own well of information in regards to what’s going on.

Outside of that, he’s also our POV character outside of the side stories and, for better or worse, is very proactive as a protagonist, which helps in making him important to what’s going on. Though again, this doesn’t exactly mean it’s a good thing in regards to the consequences of his actions.

Tessa

Depth

While not as much as Shane, Tessa also breaks out of the mold her character is supposed to represent. She isn’t just the shy character whose life gets better and becomes badass as she lives with the protagonist, in fact, part of her wishes she could be like that. Instead Tessa has a severe lack of confidence and anxiety courtesy of essentially losing her family and always feeling like an outcast as a Riolu.

To add to that is the fact of how she unconsciously relies and puts her own expectations on others as well as her own fears and insecurities in regards to her mother’s whereabouts and brother’s sanity. Of course, Tessa’s flaws aren’t as easily noticeable and she’s still an overall nice Pokemon who tries her best to get along with everyone and who wants to improve herself, even if part of her expects it to happen in one day.

Development

I think Tessa’s had the most development of our protagonists all things considered. While not much, she’s gotten more confident in herself and has even improved as a battler. She’s also learned to interact more with other Pokemon and is improving as an explorer. Similarly, all of her missions with Shane and her clashes with him also made her more self-aware, allowing her to realize her own flaws instead of blaming all of her problems on Shane. Well, sure, a lot of them are on Shane but if it weren’t for him she also wouldn’t have even taken a step into the guild.

Another interesting development is her relationship with Null and how she’s relying on him more. From the start she always took more of a caring eye for the patchwork Pokemon out of both curiosity and pity, but as the story’s gone on the two have become confidants of one another and maybe there’s something more, you know, assuming Tessa isn’t just projecting into Null how she does for her mother and tried to do for Shane.

Originality

While Tessa does break from her mold, she also sticks to it more typically than Shane. Her character follows a similar trajectory to what you might expect, just that her growth comes from all the problems she has with her companion rather than her success. That being said, I do think Tessa has a lot more agency that normal companion character in PMD stories and the fact that she’s the daughter of a human turned Pokemon adds a lot of interesting twists to her. Granted, I’m sure that won’t mean anything in the grand thing but it’s still something crazy to think about.

Outside of that there isn’t much to say about her in regards to originality. She stands out for having more agency and for having more ties into the story itself, but the more subversive parts of her characters really only surface because of Shane’s presence.

Entertainment Value

All that being said, Tessa’s still pretty entertaining to see. However, most of the entertainment from her characters comes from her interaction with Shane and how the two bounce off each other. She does get a few good scenes that are also plot-related, such as when she goes to her mom’s room to find out she basically went on a rampage.

That being said, Tessa’s general personality doesn’t make him super entertaining by herself and she typically tries to stay on her own lane when not being pushed around by Shane.

Role

Tessa however, does live up to her role as a Deuteragonist. She and Shane have an interesting rapport with one another that helps drive the plot and she herself is tied to at least two characters who are important to the story in some way. To add to that, Tessa’s also the character who’s been present at the time of big plot revelations, mainly ones dealing with her meetings or discoveries of her mother. It also helps that her general character arc is essentially an underdog story, which makes her easy to root for and the flaws that she has to overcome are also given a lot of attention and make her more relatable without completely overshadowing Shane’s role.

And to complete the circle, a look into Shane and Tessa as a duo.

Depth

Shane’s and Tessa’s relationship is fraught. At first you’d think that they’d be a group that’ll have some rocky patches but will eventually grow to become great together and understand each other. However, the two continuously clash because of their very own flaws and contradictions, causing them to constantly argue and be at each other’s throats because they’re unable to see the other’s points.

These gives their relationship a lot more depth, especially since, when they’re able to see eye to eye, they actually function pretty well as a team. Shane gives Tessa the push she needs to move forward while Tessa acts as a good conscience meant to keep him in check and stop him from just doing whatever he wants, even if he still ends up doing it a lot of the time.

Development

Their relationship’s growth is pretty fraught as well. Things are definitely in a one step forward, two steps back scenario for Team Radiance, as every time they are able to overcome an issue they quickly end up falling behind because of something that ends up pulling them apart, usually tied to Shane.

The two do try to cooperate as much as possible and Tessa herself continues to give Shane the benefit of the doubt. However, it seems like their team is reaching a point where they either finally manage to see eye to eye with one another or they just let each other fall apart. It would certainly be a good thing to put a sort of cap on that, not necessarily for the team to stop growing but at least for us to know whether they’d actually stick together, as it can be a bit repetitive for them to constantly go through the same issues.

Originality

Shane’s and Tessa’s relationship isn’t really anything special overall. Shane’s a hothead is balanced by Tessa’s more calmed and cautious demeanor, it’s a tale as old as time and they’re conflicts are also an integral part of that dynamic. What does stand out is how they can sometimes change roles, with Tessa becoming more hotheaded when she gets mad or passionate about something and Shane becoming quieter and more reserve when he messes up and fails to do something.

Entertainment Value

Through both the good and the bad their relationship remains the core of the story and it does a great job in keeping it interesting. It’s fun to see Tessa and Shane get into their fair share of strange situations and it’s also entertaining to see them fall apart and try to work out their issues, when they do try at least.

Role

Like I said, their relationship very much works as the core of the story and the two are heavily tied to the main plot in some way, shape or form. I’m also curious as to how it’ll progress in the upcoming chapters considering that it’s currently falling apart at the seams.

 

[Ambyssin]

The story overall does a good job of replicating the whimsical and surreal feeling of the games, with a cast of colorful characters and a story that, if simple at first, has a lot of interesting concepts and implements the elements introduced in Gen 7 in a very unique way. This is all coupled with the deconstruction aspect I mentioned before, such as the story going out of its way to showcase that Shane isn’t a hero just because he’s a human and that his assumptions about his destiny only work to hinder him.

Yes, I'd say that's likely due to pivoting the overall focus of the story as I was putting out the initial chapters. The tone of the first five episodes isn't too far deviated from what I originally had in mind but everything from episode 6 on is very different.

It’s in these aspects that the story starts to change as it goes ON. The more we learn about the plot, the darker and more serious it becomes and the less conventional it becomes as well. Aside from trying to break away from PMD clichés, the story also takes a look at each of the characters, their actions and the world they live in and how that’s influenced it. Particularly interesting is how the story grabs elements from past games and refurnishes them to adapt them to this one, as well as how it has a sort of generational feel when later chapters reveal that things have been working in the background since before Tessa’s generation.

That's good to hear! I've come to learn that, as far as PMD stories go, I'm really sticking my neck out by making a story that relates to the canon games, but is mostly original. Most of the time people choose to just adapt the games or write a story in a purely original setting. I might've bit off more than I could chew for this first story. ^^;

If I had to give a complaint is that the plot moves somewhat slowly. While the story has quite a few chapters published already, and there are a lot more chapters incoming as we speak, the story’s overall moved relatively slow in regards to developing the plot, with only a few hints being given here and there. We do get some more information on what’s going on and what might happen, but overall the story is content with sticking to the pacing you’d expect from a mystery dungeon game.

I understand. The episodic nature is, indeed, me trying to make it feel like a game. Or, I suppose a more apt comparison would be an anime in that one episode = one anime arc. This was undoubtedly a very "FanFiction.net approach," for lack of a better phrase. I realize that's not good for putting on a forum like this. But it's too late, the damage is done. Nowhere to go but forward. @_@

Horizon is an interesting continent all things considered. Much like the story, a lot of Horizon’s culture and feel is inspired by Alola and concepts introduced in Gen 7. However, Amby’s been able to craft a pretty interesting extension to the PMD world with different areas and zones, one thing in particular is the way in which it tackles Dungeons in that they’re not ever-changing environments but rather get shifted around by the Tapus every once in a while.

I admit, I really have enjoyed putting in the Gen VII mechanics and we will be seeing those playing a bigger role in the upcoming episodes, I promise.

That being said, there’s not much to it besides that. The story doesn’t really go too into detail about Horizon’s mythology, at least not yet, and a lot of the interesting aspects from its world are things that it borrows from the games or that are carried over. That’s not to say it doesn’t make a good interpretation, it does, it just doesn’t really go beyond that.

Oof. Yeah, I've tried to spruce up the descriptions of the early episodes, but I guess this is a case of improvement with practice in the craft. For what it's worth, later episodes will be expanding on this stuff a lot, including more lore stuff. Some of the upcoming bonuses will also (hopefully) flesh out the world and some of its inhabitants a bit more. Assuming I do my job right.

Guiding Light’s characters are more than meets the eye. It’s true that a lot of them fall into very specific archetypes, particularly the bizarre ones that are explored in the PMD games. However, as the story goes on and we learn more about the characters we realize that things aren’t quite as they seem. Shane for example at first comes off as an arrogant but unaware guy, someone that lets himself get carried away because he doesn’t know any better.

However, as the story goes on we start to see more of his insecurities, particularly the ones he had in the real world. Stuff like his possessiveness or obsession with wanting to prove himself or disregard for others because he thinks he’s a hero easily catch up to him and make him an interesting character.

This is exactly what I intended. I did write a lot of characters in a way where your first impressions of them were meant to be incorrect... and that you'd soon start second-guessing exactly what you're thinking about each character and why.

I particularly liked the side stories for how it showed more personality for the members of team MIB and Tessa’s mother as well as Team Captivate. Metagross and Braviary are treated as strict mentor figures who’ve seen a lot during their years and Crystal herself is shown as Tessa’s idol and the pinnacle of an adventurer, while Team Captivate also fill a role of big sisters and mentors for the younger guilds. So it was interesting to see how these characters were in the past and how they interact when not surrounded by the other guild members respectively.

Glad to hear it! The feedback for the special episodes outside of Bulba have been... mixed. For what it's worth, it'll be a long time before the next one comes up.

Where I do think the story fails a bit is with its antagonists. So far we have five regular antagonists, two being jokes, two being more serious but only appearing regularly and one who we’ve only seen once and don’t know much about besides what the other characters say. Of these Espy and Umbry are the most interesting but so far they’re pretty one note villains.

That's definitely fair. Scout's honor, I'm gonna shatter this complaint in a big way with the next episode! Or I'll try. I hope I can live up to your expectations. ;~;

Guiding Light’s style isn’t really anything to write home about. It’s not bad, in fact it’s pretty good at conveying the character’s emotions and particularly good when it comes to action scenes. However, it’s nothing particularly special outside of getting its job done.

Well, you can't win 'em all, I guess. I know the showing of multiple characters' thoughts rubs people the wrong way.

Where I do take a couple of issues is with the length of the chapters. Now, long chapters aren’t bad in and of itself, but a lot of the time it feels like the chapters are unnecessarily long, characters might talk a lot more than needed or maybe, and in most cases, battles end up becoming way longer than they should. I get that the reason for this is that amby wants to recreate the feel of battles in the game, but it can drag the story down a bit.

Oof. So, I'm pretty sure I've got this billed in the directory as an action story, because it is. I fully admit, again, that I probably had more of an FFN mentality with writing this. Longer chapters with somewhat long action scenes. For what it's worth, in the first seven episodes I tried to make sure no action scene was longer than half a chapter. That... won't hold up for some of the later episodes, but I'd like to think I'm making up for that by having more variety in what happens. But, yeah, I know you're really hated these chapter lengths. They're not gonna go down, so I won't blame you if you stop reading. I'm pretty sure this'll be the only awards rendition this story's going to appear in because of the length issue. ;~;

Tied to that is that the description can sometimes become a little frenzied and hard to really detail, particularly when scene becomes more uncontrolled.

That might be a result of me taking dp's advice to not explicitly name moves in battle. Tried to go back and apply that to the early battles.

Where I do think the writing excels, again, is at conveying character interactions, particularly heavy emotions and feelings, which is always a plus.

Well, I fully admit that dialogue is my favorite part to write, so I'm glad I'm at least doing that right. ^^

A good character isn’t a likeable character and that is very true for Shane. Shane is your typical nerdy protagonist who dreams of being a hero one day and who gets his wish by being taken to the Pokemon world…only that he doesn’t realize that just getting sent to the Pokemon world doesn’t make him a hero, that past heroes regardless of how destined they were, had to work hard and acclimate themselves to the world rather than assume that the world would bend over backwards for them (even if the games kind of do that in some aspects).

You hit the nail on the head here. I had started with the intent of making Shane a self-insert parody of sorts, but the more serious shift warranted changes to his overall character.

All of that is coupled with Shane’s issues from his life as a human, his lack of confidence in himself, laziness, possessiveness towards others, a judgy and confrontational personality and occasional disregard for others when it didn’t suit his needs.

They’re all genuine character flaws that come up again and again and screw Shane up on multiple levels and it makes him a deeper character because it makes him feel more realistic. Sure, they’re not aspects we want to accept about ourselves but we all have a little bit of Shane in us.

I did draw from real life in making Shane's character, along with Tessa, and a third character who I won't name b/c spoilers.

Shane’s development is another interesting part about his character. So far, every arc has had one confrontation between Shane and Tessa due to Shane constantly pushing Tessa around and not thinking about her feelings in some way shape or form. Shane does try to improve, but every time he fails or doesn’t get what he wants he ends up reverting to his old self with even more intensity.

Some might say that this is an annoying part about Shane because he can’t learn the lesson but I actually think it’s something that brings out the more realistic aspects in him. It’s hard for us to accept and overcome our flaws, heck it’s hard to overcome them even when we accept them. Shane himself hasn’t learned humility, which is the biggest quality he needs.

Yup. I admit that, I have a lot of trouble with change... especially positive change. I wound up incorporating that into Shane's character. "Write what you know," right?

He knows he can step out of line and he knows that he can ignore other’s feelings, but all of that gets outdone by his own sense of entitlement that he doesn’t lose because he keeps thinking that he’s in a game. All of that makes Shane a good example in character regression and how a character can develop and regress in a human way simply due to the fact that they never learn the real lesson of the story.

And, don't you worry, his behavior will get additional call-outs down the road, even as he starts to improve.

Shane isn’t exactly original per se, at least not to what you might expect. Shane’s character base is that of your nerdy relatable protagonist who is supposed to represent those self-insert characters for people who just want to escape to a fantasy world. He’s a nerd who’s played the games almost religiously, he understands every aspect and cliché of them and he’s treated as a loser in the real world and wants a new lease on life.

However, what stands out about Shane is how Guiding Light deconstructs his character mold. Not only does he get a Pokemon that, while not weak, can be pretty hard to work with. His character flaws and personality problems hinder him even more than they did in the real world and it’s those very aspects of himself, the aspects that these types of stories usually emphasize, that end up screwing him over. All of that culminates in the latest arc where Shane basically gets on everyone’s bad side due to his (might I say racist?) remarks that end up causing trouble for everyone in the guild.

Yeah, initial positive reception to Shane's jerkass tendencies actually resulted in me ratcheting them up significantly from what I had in mind. Heck, initially Shane's jerkishness was unintentional, but all the early reviews loved it.

All of Shane’s flaws and occasional annoyance aside, he’s still…kind of fun to look at. He makes for a great comedic relief character if anything and it’s fun to see the kind of crazy and weird situations he ends up in missions due to either his own stupidity or the fact that he can let the Vulpix part of him get carried away.

And well, I guess you can say that seeing all the drama and turmoil he brings up is also pretty entertaining in and of itself. I’ve pretty much already said everything I could about his entertainment value in the past categories.

That's good! I do like putting him in humiliating situations. It's fun. Does that make me an evil author? Oh well... *shrug*

While not as much as Shane, Tessa also breaks out of the mold her character is supposed to represent. She isn’t just the shy character whose life gets better and becomes badass as she lives with the protagonist, in fact, part of her wishes she could be like that. Instead Tessa has a severe lack of confidence and anxiety courtesy of essentially losing her family and always feeling like an outcast as a Riolu.

Alright, I got that across okay. All the revisions worked!

To add to that is the fact of how she unconsciously relies and puts her own expectations on others as well as her own fears and insecurities in regards to her mother’s whereabouts and brother’s sanity. Of course, Tessa’s flaws aren’t as easily noticeable and she’s still an overall nice Pokemon who tries her best to get along with everyone and who wants to improve herself, even if part of her expects it to happen in one day.

The bit about her expectations were in the latest revisions that I slipped in before the deadline. Looks like they did the job. As for the lack of noticing, drawing a bit from real life here, in that someone with depression can fool people around them (especially someone who's socially inept like Shane) by trying to put on a happy face where it's appropriate.

I think Tessa’s had the most development of our protagonists all things considered. While not much, she’s gotten more confident in herself and has even improved as a battler. She’s also learned to interact more with other Pokemon and is improving as an explorer. Similarly, all of her missions with Shane and her clashes with him also made her more self-aware, allowing her to realize her own flaws instead of blaming all of her problems on Shane. Well, sure, a lot of them are on Shane but if it weren’t for him she also wouldn’t have even taken a step into the guild.

Glad to see that stuff's paying off. I think severely limiting their moves at the start (something most PMD fics I've seen completely ignore) helped in this department.

Another interesting development is her relationship with Null and how she’s relying on him more. From the start she always took more of a caring eye for the patchwork Pokemon out of both curiosity and pity, but as the story’s gone on the two have become confidants of one another and maybe there’s something more, you know, assuming Tessa isn’t just projecting into Null how she does for her mother and tried to do for Shane.

I promise, you'll be seeing another moment between them in a couple of weeks.

While Tessa does break from her mold, she also sticks to it more typically than Shane. Her character follows a similar trajectory to what you might expect, just that her growth comes from all the problems she has with her companion rather than her success. That being said, I do think Tessa has a lot more agency that normal companion character in PMD stories and the fact that she’s the daughter of a human turned Pokemon adds a lot of interesting twists to her. Granted, I’m sure that won’t mean anything in the grand thing but it’s still something crazy to think about.

This is something I also hope to shatter in a big way... as early as this Saturday and then again with the next episode. Assuming I do my job right.

All that being said, Tessa’s still pretty entertaining to see. However, most of the entertainment from her characters comes from her interaction with Shane and how the two bounce off each other. She does get a few good scenes that are also plot-related, such as when she goes to her mom’s room to find out she basically went on a rampage.

Those scenes she has had to herself will all be very important down the road, trust me!

Tessa however, does live up to her role as a Deuteragonist. She and Shane have an interesting rapport with one another that helps drive the plot and she herself is tied to at least two characters who are important to the story in some way. To add to that, Tessa’s also the character who’s been present at the time of big plot revelations, mainly ones dealing with her meetings or discoveries of her mother. It also helps that her general character arc is essentially an underdog story, which makes her easy to root for and the flaws that she has to overcome are also given a lot of attention and make her more relatable without completely overshadowing Shane’s role.

Glad to hear it. Her presence for plot revelations is very intentional beyond just being the deuteragonist in the story.

Shane’s and Tessa’s relationship is fraught. At first you’d think that they’d be a group that’ll have some rocky patches but will eventually grow to become great together and understand each other. However, the two continuously clash because of their very own flaws and contradictions, causing them to constantly argue and be at each other’s throats because they’re unable to see the other’s points.

These gives their relationship a lot more depth, especially since, when they’re able to see eye to eye, they actually function pretty well as a team. Shane gives Tessa the push she needs to move forward while Tessa acts as a good conscience meant to keep him in check and stop him from just doing whatever he wants, even if he still ends up doing it a lot of the time.

I continue to be amazed at how much people apparently like their relationship, because I'm always nervous if I'm being too cheesy or cliché or uninspired.

Their relationship’s growth is pretty fraught as well. Things are definitely in a one step forward, two steps back scenario for Team Radiance, as every time they are able to overcome an issue they quickly end up falling behind because of something that ends up pulling them apart, usually tied to Shane.

This is true. After shifting the story direction, I wanted them to spend time fighting each other before they could fight the big threat.

The two do try to cooperate as much as possible and Tessa herself continues to give Shane the benefit of the doubt. However, it seems like their team is reaching a point where they either finally manage to see eye to eye with one another or they just let each other fall apart. It would certainly be a good thing to put a sort of cap on that, not necessarily for the team to stop growing but at least for us to know whether they’d actually stick together, as it can be a bit repetitive for them to constantly go through the same issues.

Don't worry, it's gonna stop reeeeeal soon. I promise!

Shane’s and Tessa’s relationship isn’t really anything special overall. Shane’s a hothead is balanced by Tessa’s more calmed and cautious demeanor, it’s a tale as old as time and they’re conflicts are also an integral part of that dynamic. What does stand out is how they can sometimes change roles, with Tessa becoming more hotheaded when she gets mad or passionate about something and Shane becoming quieter and more reserve when he messes up and fails to do something.

Right. I'm hoping that, once we move past their, uh, "pattern," so to speak, that I can introduce some ripples in their dynamics that further complicates everything. At least, those ripples have gotten positive reception elsewhere. But you guys have very high expectations. ;~;

Like I said, their relationship very much works as the core of the story and the two are heavily tied to the main plot in some way, shape or form. I’m also curious as to how it’ll progress in the upcoming chapters considering that it’s currently falling apart at the seams.

Well, I hope you'll stay on board, because there are some really heavy chapters coming up. But I know the length issue is big for you. I don't want this to feel like a chore for anyone, so don't feel like you have to read it. Thank you for taking the time to judge this and leave all this feedback. I really appreciate it. ^^

 

[Ambyssin]

Before the chapter, a huge thank you to @Cresselia92 for the wonderful art prize, which you can find in the intro post inside the brand new "Just for Fun" spoiler box. Now, on a more serious note...

Content Advisory: this chapter contains heavy themes of depression and suicide.

This chapter was originally posted on January 7th, 2018.

XxX

Chapter 29: Bitter Realizations​

Null was at a complete loss for what to do. Both of his teammates were unresponsive. Tessa sat curled up in a ball, rubbing her paws against the ground. Shane had collapsed on his side, breathing heavily. Null took a step forward, only to freeze as Shane's widened eyes met his. They frantically darted around in his skull. Shane stuck a forepaw out.

"P-Please… sir," he croaked. "Help… I need help!"

Null shuffled backward, shutting his eyes. "No, wait, don't go!" Shane hollered. "Call the police! Call EMS! There's been... an accident. I'm being crushed! Please, sir… my car…" Shane's forepaw fell to the ground, along with his head. His chest rose and fell rapidly.

Something stirred in in the back of Null's mind. Null reached a foreleg up and clawed at the base of his helmet, groaning.

He's vulnerable. We can take him out!

Null staggered backwards, shaking his head rapidly.

Don't ignore us. We know you want to. It's what we were created for!

Null stumbled forward, wheezing. As he did, however, a strange tingling sensation bristled his head crest. It faded quickly, only to be replaced by warmth spreading throughout his body. The whispers in Null's mind receded. He blinked several times and his gaze fell toward Shane once again. Null lumbered forward until he towered over Shane. He raised a foreleg, only to pause as Shane gasped for air and brushed a foreleg through the dirt.

Null closed his eyes and gently lowered his limb. He nudged Shane with a talon. "… hey… wake up," he muttered. "You're… having a bad dream… I think…"

Shane groaned. Null carefully stepped over him and found the item pouch. He stuck a foreleg into it and managed to pull out an oran berry. He rolled it in Shane's direction. At first, Shane didn't acknowledge the berry. Null bent over and pressed the fruit up to Shane's lips. A bit of drool trickled down Shane's snout.

"Hrm… what… what happened?" Shane groaned, blinking slowly. His blurry vision cleared up and he found himself looking directly at Null's helmet. With a holler, he pushed himself back across the beach. "Get away from me, you monster!" he shouted, scrambling to his feet. "I don't want you anywhere near me ever again, you understand?"

Null looked down at the berry in his talons. "I was just… trying to give you this," he whispered. He kicked the berry over to Shane and slowly walked backward, looking away guiltily.

Shane looked skeptically at the fruit. "And how do I know this hasn't been spiked with poison or something?" he said, leaning over and sniffing it.

"… I only… wanted to help," Null said. "You and Riolu… you both… slipped into shock… after Oranguru disappeared…" He looked over in Tessa's direction, confirming that she was still curled up in a tiny blue ball. Her body trembled, bits of dirt and sand trickling down her fur.

Shane reluctantly nibbled at the berry. "I don't know what her problem is," he said. "But what are we supposed to do now?" He looked back, cringing at his damp, muddy coat with numerous patches of fur missing. "We all look miserable. And after your little stunt back in the marsh, we're pretty much guaranteed to fail this mission." He narrowed his eyes at Null. "So, nice going, big guy. You sure helped a ton."

He glanced back at Tessa and shook his head. "I told her not to bring you along. She's got her friend Eevee's house to go back to. But what about me? Once we're kicked out, I'll have nowhere to live!" Shane's lips curled up into a snarl. "And Tessa called me the selfish one."

A series of metallic clangs caused Shane to abruptly jolt to attention. He turned around and his tails fell between his legs at the sight of Metagross approaching them. "Guh-Guildmaster?" Shane whimpered. "What are you doing here?"

Fact: there is a shortcut to Sunflower Meadows located in Tethys Tunnel. Fact: I did not tell you about it because you cannot reach it once you get to Moonrise Marsh.

Metagross' reply struck Shane as rather odd, but he didn't feel like questioning him. He looked at his damp, scratched-up, mud-caked fur and whined. "Guildmaster, please. This… this isn't what it looks li–"

Silence, Metagross said. Shane shrank down toward the ground. Null stepped back, rubbing his helmet against his shoulder. Metagross looked at Shane and his eyes flashed blue. Fact: your team encountered significant hardships during this mission. Fact: there were multiple points where you even attempted to abandon your teammates.

Shane winced. "I… I can explain…"

Unnecessary. I have read your mind already, Metagross scoffed. Your callous disregard for your teammates created a hostile environment and nearly resulted in your death.

"That wasn't my fault!" Shane blurted out, but Metagross' glare quickly silenced him. He buried his head underneath a patch of sunflowers. "Go on then," he said, soil muffling his voice. "Kick us out already. That's what you're here for, isn't it?"

Metagross turned away from Shane and Null. By all accounts, I should remove you three from the guild. But I will not.

"Really?" Null gasped, beady eyes widening.

Affirmative, Metagross replied.

Shane's head poked up, muzzle agape in shock. "But you said that if we act out–"

Fact: I was referring to acting out toward Oranguru. Fact: analysis of your memories leads me to conclude that Oranguru was treated… adequately. Fact: you successfully brought him to Sunflower Meadows, per instruction. Conclusion: your team passes the assignment... by the skin of your teeth.

"You're kidding," Null rasped, legs tensing.

Shane's eyes narrowed. "I… I don't understand," he whispered. "We did horrendously."

Correct.

"And you lied to us!" Shane said, getting to his feet and baring his fangs. "You never said anything about taking Oranguru here to die! What kind of sick, twisted punishment was this?"

Metagross' eyes flashed blue again. You will be silent or I will change my mind and expel you, Metagross said. Fact: careful analysis led me to conclude that, regardless the assignment given, you and Riolu would argue to the point of creating a schism in your ranks. I realized that the only way to put an end to your caustic behavior would be to give you both an assignment that would ultimately shock you to your cores.

Shane's jaw dropped. "But that's… that's…"

Metagross stomped a foreleg on the ground, crushing several sunflowers. I run the Horizon Guild. I must work for the greater good. I do not care what sort of reputation I garner... only that I run a well-functioning institution. Your team was not well-functioning. Now that you properly realize the gravity of exploring in Horizon, I expect you to cease your reckless behavior and nonproductive squabbles.

"How… how could you?"

Behind Metagross, Tessa had somehow snapped out of her stupor. She was on her feet, paws balled into fists. Her arms and aura feelers shook with anger. "You knew… you knew about all of this! And you didn't tell us. Why?" she said.

Metagross eyes glowed blue once again. I made it very clear when giving this assignment. The purpose was to show you both that exploration is something to be taken seriously. That lives can hang in the balance.

Tessa's eyes snapped shut. "You could have at least told us what Oranguru wanted! Maybe then we wouldn't have been at each other's throats the whole time," she said. "And… and…" Her gaze fell to the ground. "You pretended to be my dad! That's…"

I had my reasons, Metagross said, facial expression unreadable. Oranguru had always confided in Incineroar. I wanted to have this mission available in case your teamwork failed to improve, which is what happened. Therefore, I had to forge your father's handwriting to correspond with Oranguru. Yes, I resorted to deceitful methods, but I deemed it necessary for the greater good.

The blue glow in his eyes faded. Order: this discussion is over. Fact: your new badges and equipment will be conferred to you upon return to the guild. He produced an Escape Orb, which wrapped the foursome up in bright, multicolored light.

XxX

~Aeon Observatory~​

Team Radiance stood in silence, watching Metagross open the Observatory's entrance. Fact: we will proceed to my office in order to finalize the team dissolution.

Shane looked down at the dirt. 'If we really succeeded, then why does this feel like such a crushing defeat?' He glanced at his teammates. Tessa stood facing away from him, arms wrapped around her chest. Null was completely spacing out. 'Oh… right, because I'm going to have to try and sleep tonight, knowing that right down the hall is a guy who wants me dead! And my ex-teammate is practically willing to help him.'

He looked up toward the sky. 'What were you thinking bringing me here, Solgaleo? This is all your fault! My human life may not have been anything special, but at least I could feel safe going to sleep.'

Metagross looked back at them. Order: proceed inside. You are wasting my time, he said.

Tessa shuffled away from the group. "I… I'm sorry… I can't," she whimpered. "I need… I need to be alone for a while." She abruptly turned around and took off running down the hill.

"Tessa? Oh, come on, you can't be serious right now. I'm exhausted! Let's just get this over with," Shane said, approaching the top of the hill. He spotted Tessa running down toward Aeon Town's central fountain. "For god's sake, I just want to go to sleep and forget all of this already! Get back here!"

He gritted his teeth as he broke into a run. His lungs screamed in protest and his legs burned with every step. "Tessa!" he wheezed. "Tessa, stop!" Ahead of him, the tip of Tessa's blue tail dipped into a side street. Shane tucked in his head in the hopes of increasing his speed. He glimpsed Tessa going around a corner and ran after her. "Cut it out, Tessa. You're being childish," he shouted in between gasping breaths.

Shane rounded the corner and found himself looking at a few houses arrayed out on either side of the little street. A brown house had its red, wooden door wide open. Shane slowly approached it, trying to catch his breath. "Tessa," he said, "Enough is enough. Suck it up, and get back to the Observatory so we can dissolve the team."

He heard no response. Instead, whimpers echoed from inside the house. "Seriously? You're crying? Quit being such a baby," Shane hissed. He stepped through the doorway, only to freeze up. Immediately, Shane's nostrils twitched from all the dust in the air. It took every ounce of his willpower not to sneeze. Despite the lack of light in the house, the living room was clearly lined with a thick layer of dust. It covered up every piece of furniture and every item in the house.

More whimpers sounded from a back room in the house. Shane cautiously made his way forward, passing a long, knee-high table covered in dirt. He reached a doorway flanked by a dust-covered bookshelf on its right side and a rusty metal stand holding a broken luminous orb. Shane proceeded through the open door, entering a circular room that, lacking windows, was even darker than the living room. He blinked rapidly, struggling to adjust to the complete lack of light.

"Tessa?" Shane called. "Get up. We're going back to the Observatory."

"… get out."

Shane's muzzle stiffened. "Quit it, Tessa. This is getting ridiculous," he said, stomping a forepaw on the floor. "I already feel miserable enough. So, can you stop acting like such a brat and do this team breakup thing so I can get on with my life?"

"I said get out!"

Shane's eyes widened and he jumped to his right. A picture frame whizzed past him and struck the wall next to the door. Glass shattered all around Shane. The picture frame fell to the floor. Shane looked up and spotted Tessa's outline. After a few seconds, she came into focus standing next to a dust-covered bed. She stared at the ground, arms shaking, and aura feelers pulsating wildly. Shane shuffled over toward the broken frame and looked down at it.

There, in the bits of broken glass, sat a photo. He immediately recognized a younger Tessa and Gallian. Tessa sat on her brother's back; both had smiles on their faces. Behind them stood a Lucario. Her expression was relatively stoic, though she had the faintest hint of a smile. Next to her was a Pokémon that Shane assumed was Incineroar, given his cat-like appearance. Incinceroar's arm lay draped over Lucario's shoulder. Shane quickly realized Incineroar wore the same rainbow scarf he and Tessa each had halves of.

His brow furrowed. "This is about your parents, isn't it?" Shane muttered. "Yeah, Metagross shouldn't have pretended to be your dad, but it's in the past now. Don't drag me down even further because you've got such a big problem with this."

Tessa looked up. Shane's anger continued to build when he saw the devastated look in her eyes. "You… you don't understand," she squeaked. "I… I never wanted to watch a Pokémon die right in front of me. This wasn't what I signed up for. I can't deal with this!"

"And I don't care," Shane said, snorting out snowflakes. "Suck it up and move o–"

Tessa walked toward him, her eyes tearing up. "I can't just do that!" she shouted. "Why… why did he bring up my dad?"

Shane rolled his eyes. "How should I know? Look, why don't you just have Comfey help you?"

"She can't help me! Nobody can just help me," Tessa said, getting right up in Shane's face. "Because… because…"

Shane shuffled back against the wall. "What, is it because you're the Guildmaster's daughter or something? Does 'Daddy's Little Girl' get some sort of special treatment?"

"No! I'm not the Guildmaster's daughter! And I never will be…" Her lips trembled. "Because my dad's dead… and it's all my fault!"

Her voice cracked at that last statement and she burst into tears. Shane gasped as Tessa shoved him against the wall. The air rushed out of him, causing him to drop to a seated position with his tails pinned under his hips. Tessa fell forward, burying her face against the side of his neck.

Shane's flinched from the contact, his anger abating in an instant. Two statements bubbled up from his recent memory.

You know, you're not the only one with problems. Err… I mean, your whole 'stuck in another world and another body,' dilemma is pretty big. But it's not like all the Pokémon you've met lead perfect lives. We have issues too.

If you really intend to do right by Riolu as her partner, then you need to start respecting her boundaries. She's been through a lot. More than you can possibly know.

'Oh my god… this is what they meant, isn't it? This is why Tessa's family is such a bitter subject for her,' Shane realized, Tessa's sobs making his ears fall flat against his head. Guilt bubbled up inside him. 'And I totally snapped and told her that her parents left because they didn't love her!' His eyes widened in horror. 'What have I done?'

"I don't… I don't know what to say," he whispered, but Tessa didn't hear him. She continued to cry, sliding down from his neck to his shoulder. Shane looked around the room, desperately hoping for some sort of way to get out of this situation. He found Null standing in the bedroom's doorway, his gray eyes looking even more heavyset than usual. Null bowed his head down and slipped back from the doorway.

Shane awkwardly reached a forepaw out and tried to pet Tessa on the back. "Uh, there, there. Everything's… going to be okay?" he squeaked, though his statement was laden with uncertainty. "Do you, um, want to talk about it or something?"

A shove indicated that no, Tessa didn't want to talk about it. Pain shot through Shane's tails, but he remained seated as Tessa bawled her eyes out. 'Why is all of this happening? There isn't supposed to be this level of heartbreak until the end of these things,' Shane thought. 'Tessa… I'll bet she's been thinking about her dad from the very beginning. And I dragged her along through all of this.' He shut his eyes. 'I really am a pathetic excuse for a hero. Everything I've done has just hurt the Pokémon around me…'

Tessa's cries quieted into soft, shudder-filled whimpers. She slumped to the ground and buried her face in her arms. "It happened just about a year ago," she said, voice muffled. Shane didn't relax a single muscle in his body. He clamped his muzzle shut as Tessa took in a deep breath and continued, "I had been playing outside with Eevee, despite Sylveon telling us not to. We got caught in a big storm. Sylveon brought us inside… but I caught a terrible cold."

"Mom had started to take care of me, when Dad showed up, saying he needed to go to Glyphic Falls," Tessa said. She managed to push herself into a seated position but her head remained bowed somberly. "He said it was crucial guild business. Mom tried to go with him for support, but he refused. He told her it was more important that she take care of me." Tessa rubbed her eyes. "Mom tried to convince him otherwise. She suggested bringing me to the Observatory and leaving me with Comfey. But Dad…"

Tessa grabbed her mud-soaked rainbow scarf and tossed it to the ground. "… he said he couldn't have her do that. He knew that she'd just end up worrying about me if she came to Glyphic Falls. And he didn't want to stress her out... because he loves her too much to do something like that."

"So, he gave us both a kiss, and walked out," Tessa said. "And… and…" Her eyes teared up again. "That was it. That was the last time I got to see him. I couldn't even get out of bed to give him a hug or anything!" She dug her paws into her thighs.

"What happened?" Shane whispered.

"I don't know," Tessa said, her voice cracking again. "The next day, Braviary showed up, looking grimmer than I've ever seen him look. He told us that there had been an accident." Tessa shook like a leaf. She grabbed her muddy scarf off the floor. "He said this scarf was all that he and Metagross found when they went to look for Dad."

Tessa turned away from Shane. "Gallian, Mom, and I were all at home when this happened. I've tried so hard to forget how they reacted. They were always so calm... so level-headed. But when they heard the news…" More tears ran down her face and Tessa gritted her teeth. "They were so upset. Mom… Mom lost it." Her gaze drifted over to the bedroom doorway. Tessa rubbed tears from her eyes. "That table you walked past? Mom broke it when she heard about Dad. She… she broke a lot of things."

"And what about you?" Shane asked.

Tessa brought her knees up toward her head. "I was scared!" she hiccuped. "Scared, and confused, and tired. Mom was so angry. I sensed her aura for just a second," she shuddered, "and I blacked out."

Shane tried to get up and move toward Tessa, but she shoved him away. She turned away from him. "It's my fault! All my fault! If I hadn't gotten sick… if I'd listened to Sylveon and stayed indoors that day… then Mom could've gone with Dad. And he'd still be here! Everything would be fine!" She wiped snot from her snout.

"Nobody gets sick on purpose, you know," he said, tails curling against his belly.

"Mom blamed me. I know she did," Tessa said, grabbing a fistful of fur in each paw. "I could feel the anger in her aura after Dad died." She released her fur and used her scarf to dry her eyes. "She stopped training me after that... and she barely came home from the guild. Sometimes she'd remember to bring me to Sylveon. But other times…" Her voice trailed off and she shook her head.

"I tried to make it up to her. I tried to train on my own. To show her what I taught myself when she did visit me. I told her that I loved her." She lowered the scarf and her ears drooped. "She would tell me that she loved me back... but it always sounded like she was lying."

Shane bit his lower lip. 'This is just too much. She's gotta be exaggerating. She just has to be!' He looked Tessa over, but everything about her body language screamed sincerity.

"And then, almost eight months ago, Mom up and left," Tessa continued. Shane thought back to the times he'd caught Tessa going into her mother's room. Then, he remembered his attempt to look inside it, only for Braviary to catch him and take him away. "She told me she was doing a quick assignment for the guild... and that she'd be back soon."

"But she hasn't returned," Shane said. Tessa shook her head.

"A couple of weeks later, Gallian left. That's when he threatened me, saying he'd strike me down if I set foot in the guild," Tessa said. Tears welled up in her eyes again. "I… I've been alone for so long now." She fell to her side, curling up into a ball. "I'm not even sure why I keep waking up in the mornings, anymore."

Shane's head pounded. His view of Tessa momentarily faded out, replaced instead with a page from a newspaper, showing a smiling, brown-haired boy with freckles peppered across his face. A stabbing pain gripped Shane's chest. "Tessa, no. You can't… I had no idea," Shane whispered, eyes darting about the room.

"Don't call me that!" Tessa shouted, causing Shane to jump back. She looked up at him with tearful eyes. "You want to know why I don't want Pokémon calling me Tessa anymore? It's the same reason I refuse to call you anything but Vulpix. Every time I hear 'Tessa' I think of Mom and Dad and Gallian! It's because of my family that everyone called me Tessa instead of Riolu. And I don't want to be reminded of them... because the only thing that comes to mind is the memory of Braviary showing up and telling us that Dad had died!"

Tessa dug her paws into the floor. "Not like it matters. All I can think about when I'm in the Observatory is Dad dying and all the bad things that happened afterward. I've had enough. I can't..." She looked over at the remnants of the picture frame. "I don't want to do any of this anymore." Tessa staggered to her feet, swaying uneasily from side to side. Slowly, she approached the glass fragments littered on the ground.

"Tessa, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," Shane said. "If you had just told me–"

Tessa whirled on him. "You really think I was going to tell a total stranger that I'm frightened of guild work because my dad died?" she said, her face a mess of tears and snot. Shane flinched and turned away. "Mom was right," Tessa muttered. "I should've gotten as far away from you as possible."

Shane's head pounded once again. "What? But I thought you said you don't know where your mom is?"

Tessa stuck her right foot out, poking the remnants of the picture frame with her toe. "I don't. But she's… reached out to me. Through my dreams," Tessa said. "Yeah, I didn't want to say anything. Especially with how everyone reacted to you saying Solgaleo was giving you dream visions. But it's true. Mom told me that she's trying to protect Lunala… my guess is from the Prism Virus."

"She wanted me to ditch you. She said that if I stuck with you, I'd surely keep running into danger," Tessa continued. "But I was stupid. I hoped – I don't know why, but I hoped – that maybe you could make me feel better. That you could make me feel like I actually matter to other Pokémon." She shut her eyes. "But you did the exact opposite. I don't feel better. Instead, I left the only two Pokémon I get along with reasonably well. The closest thing I have to a friend now is Null."

"I never intended for any of this to happen," Shane whimpered.

Tessa knelt down, putting her paws on the floor. "I don't care. Mom told me that she doesn't want me to look for her. She would rather leave me alone to defend Lunala, when there are plenty of Pokémon up to the task," Tessa said with a sniffle. "And, thanks to you, I now realize why. It's because she doesn't love me... and I'll bet she never loved me."

Shane's throat went dry. "I… no… I was just…" He struggled to form a coherent sentence.

"No," Tessa cut in, her voice bitter. "Thank you, human. You finally made me realize just how worthless I am. I know exactly where I belong: nowhere."

Shane stood up and his tails jolted into the air. "That's not true! You're… ah…" He bit his lower lip. "C'mon, surely there's something I can do to help? Just say the world. I'll get you whatever you need. Anything! Just… just stop talking like that!"

"I don't have anything else to say to you. I never want to see you again," Tessa whispered. She reached a trembling paw toward the largest glass shard on the floor.

"No!" Shane cried, opening his mouth and spewing a gust of chilled air. Tessa fell to the ground, throwing her paws over her face and howling in frustration. Shane turned toward the glass shards, focusing his cold air on them until he had frozen them solid. He then sent out a small psychic ripple, turning the frozen shards to dust.

Tessa sat up, her gaze fixed on where the broken glass previously lay. "You... you..." She rubbed her fists against the floor.

"Please," Shane whispered, legs trembling. "Please let me help you."

"No," Tessa said, lowering her head. "You want to help? Then just… go away." She lay down on the ground, gripping her stomach with her right paw. "I'm not going back to the Observatory. In fact, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to stay here. I'm already starving, so I imagine it won't take long for my spirit to start ebbing away. Just a few hours... and it'll all be over."

"Riolu, don't–"

"What are you complaining about?" she snarled. "You're going to get what you wanted. I'll be out of your life." She took in a shuddering breath. "I'll be out of everyone's lives."

Shane's vision flickered. The newspaper picture flashed through his mind, and then his eyes teared up. "No... Tessa, I can't leave you here like this," Shane said.

"Fine," Tessa said, rolling over so her back was to Shane, "then you can watch as the hunger saps every last bit of my strength."

Shane's ears drooped. "But–"

"Goodbye, Vulpix," Tessa said, cupping her paws over her ears and pressing them against her head.

Shane opened his mouth to offer a retort, but nothing came to mind. His ears twitched and his heart skipped a beat at the sound of a raspy cough. He looked over his shoulder and again saw Null in the doorway. Null backed out of the doorway upon glimpsing Shane's frightful expression. Shane looked back at Tessa and, after a moment of hesitation, followed Null out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

"How much of that did you hear?" Shane asked.

"… everything," Null said.

"Then you know what you need to do," Shane said, stepping away from the door. Null's head cocked in confusion. "Tessa's hurting badly. She needs…" He shuddered. "She needs a friend right now. And… that's not me. I don't think it'll ever be me. She needs you."

Null blinked. "… what can I… possibly do… for her?"

"Just be there with her. You don't have to say anything. But lay down next to her. Maybe rub her back or something. Go in there and don't leave as long as she's awake. Make sure she doesn't do anything rash. You're her best friend. You have to do this," Shane said.

Null nodded slowly and then lumbered toward the door. He pushed it open and slipped inside the bedroom, leaving Shane alone. The second the door closed, Shane collapsed onto his belly. His whole body ached and he felt a huge, crushing weight against his forehead. He tried to lift up his head, but the whole room spun. He lay on the ground, trembling; face buried in the dirt. The colors of the spinning room faded. The brown of the house's floor gave way to bright, flashing, red-and-blue lights. Black shadows moved across his field of view.

I've got a pulse, but his airway's collapsed. We have to intubate. Where's that paramedic?

'No…'

Sir, sir! Are you okay? Can you hear me?

'Please… help me!'

No pupillary response. He's got fluid in his lungs.

'I don't want to die!'

We've got him boarded up. Start the EKG and let's get him to the ER. You there! Page trauma. He needs surgery ASAP.

The sound of a door closing jolted Shane from his stupor. He sat up, breath coming in ragged gasps. He looked over at Null, who stood frozen in front of the doorway. "Wh-What are you… what are you doing out here? What happened to Tessa? H-How long was I out?"

"… not long," Null rasped. "Riolu… cried herself to sleep," he reported. He sat in front of the door like a grotesque gargoyle. Shane staggered to his feet, his head hung shamefully. "Are you… leaving?"

"I don't know," Shane whispered. "I just… I'm so confused. Everything's gone so horribly, horrendously wrong!" He blinked a few times. "Wait, why am I even saying this to you? What do you care?"

"… what happened… back in Moonrise Marsh… I didn't want that," Null said. "I don't… want to hurt you. And I don't… want to hate you."

Shane's lips quivered. "Well, it's a bit late for apologizing, isn't it?" He sat down opposite Null. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I do need to be taken out. I've done nothing but screw up since I got here. You'd all be better off without me."

"… I don't… think that's true," Null said. "I think… you're trying to make the best… of a difficult situation. I can… sympathize with that…"

Shane's eyes teared up. "Can you? Look at what I've done to Tessa. I broke her spirit. I… I made her–" He cut himself off, shaking his head in disgust. "All this time, she's really just been depressed because she lost her family. It's probably why she was so hesitant to go to the guild! So, what did I do? Pressure her and pressure her until she cracked and went to the very place she shouldn't have set foot in in the first place!"

He smacked a paw on the ground. "All this time… all this time she's been trying to put on a brave face. And I just brushed aside the signs that something was wrong because I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that things were different here than in my games." He began crying. "I've been thinking like a selfish human since the moment I woke up, when… when I should've been thinking like a Pokémon."

He flopped onto his belly, burying his head under his forepaws. "Metagross was right. There are real lives at stake. And here I am thinking I can just waltz along and have everything be fine!" He looked up at Null with tearful eyes. "I never even beat the games fair and square, you know. I always resorted to cheating because I got too frustrated, but that's not possible here."

Shane smacked his head against his forelegs. "Everything I've done so far has had consequences. And they're not the kind I can simply erase by hitting a power switch and forgetting that they ever happened. I can't preserve a happy scenario in a stream of data, because this is all real!" he sobbed. "The damage is done. I'm… I'm… I'm not a hero. I'm just… a screw up."

Null slowly exhaled. "… you do realize… it sounds like… you're making Riolu's struggles… all about you… right?"

In response to this, Shane got up, walked over to the table, and bashed his head against it. "Yes, because I'm dumb!"

BANG!

"Stupid!"

BANG!

A welt popped up on Shane's head, which he lowered shamefully. "You're absolutely right. You want to know the worst part of all of this?" Shane whispered, causing Null to lean forward. "Today's Tessa's birthday… sorry, 'hatch day.' This is supposed to be a happy day for her. And I managed to go and turn it into the worst day of her life."

"I think… you're overreacting… just a smidge," Null said.

"I'm not," Shane whimpered. "I know this all sounds selfish, but this is really my fault. If I hadn't flown off the handle at Lycanroc... if I'd just trusted all of you instead of thinking I knew better… then I wouldn't have gotten in trouble. And then Tessa wouldn't have gotten in trouble. We'd have never gotten sent on this awful mission that put us at each other's throats and ended with Tessa having to watch a Pokémon die right in front of her… and one year after her dad died, to boot!"

Shane stepped back from the table. "I can't even blame Metagross. It's not like he was controlling how I acted."

Null slowly sat up and walked over toward Shane. He sighted heavily. "… when you put it that way… I guess it is your fault. But… it's not like you were the only one… acting badly on that mission. I think we all… did and said things… that we feel horribly about…"

Shane rubbed his snout with a forepaw. "Are you trying to compare us, here? There's no comparison to make. I deserve all the vitriol Tessa gave me. I…"

He flinched as Null sat beside him. Shane looked away, whimpering. Null muttered, "I'm saying… I understand… how awful you feel. But… I think… that's exactly why… you need someone to lean on for support… just as much as Riolu does."

Shane blinked tears out of his eyes. "Well, forget it. I'm not worth your trouble. Tessa's your friend, not me. Right now, she needs your undivided attention."

"… but I'd like you to be…"

Shane froze. "Huh?"

"… I want… to be your friend. I know… we haven't had… a very good relationship," Null muttered. "I'm sorry… for staring at you... back in the sentry station. It was never… my intent… to scare you. But clearly… that's what happened."

Shane turned away even further. "A bit late to be asking for that, considering what happened, don't you think?"

"… I really wish… I could make it up to you," Null wheezed. "Which is exactly why… I refuse to turn my back on you." He poked a foreleg at the ground. "And… from what it sounds like… you're not ready... to give up... on Riolu."

Shane winced, his ears folding against his face. "I just… I have to do something to help her. It's my fault all of this happened. I need to make things right. But," he sighed and shook his head, "I can't think of anything. Every attempt I see myself making is just going to make her even more upset."

"Is there really nothing… you can do?" Null wondered.

Shane squeezed his eyes shut and scrunched up his snout. "I… I," he whispered. His eyes suddenly shot wide open. "I've got an idea," he said, getting to his feet. "If it's Tessa's hatch day, then we should throw her a party."

Null stared blankly at Shane. "Like… a surprise party?"

"Ideally, yes," Shane said. "She said that she's depressed because she feels alone, right? Well, this is the guild's chance to show her that, just because her family's not in the picture, doesn't mean she's alone. Not as long as she has them."

"But… she didn't mention… her hatch day… to anyone," Null pointed out. "I'm not even sure... how you found out."

"I heard Team Captivate talking about it," Shane said. He dried out his eyes. "They wanted to do something for her, but were too hesitant." He looked out the window. "If I leave right now, I think I can still make morning assembly. And if I can get everyone on board, we might have a chance at getting something set up by tonight."

"Do you… have a plan?"

"No… not really. I'm sort of winging it here," Shane whispered. "Like, Tessa's friends with Sylveon... and she's a baker. She could make treats. And we could have her work with Steenee and anyone in the guild who feels like helping to make food." Shane started pacing back and forth. "Then, we can get supplies from the Kecleon Shop and a couple of other places in town. I'm sure folks had some gift ideas in mind for Tessa, too." His brow furrowed. "Maybe with a little bit of begging and pleading, Crabrawler will let us borrow the Sky Jukebox from his Café?" He took a deep breath. "No, no, I can't get ahead of myself. First, I have to concentrate on getting everyone in the guild to help. It's the only way I can make this work."

"Is there anything… I can do?" Null asked.

Shane nodded. "You need to keep Tessa busy," he said. "She's gonna wake up. She's really fragile right now. And I don't want her coming to the guild and seeing what we're doing. If anything, you're the best Pokémon to try and lift her spirits. Maybe try taking her out to Azure Cape or Sunrise Village? That should at least help her clear her mind."

"I'm not… really good… at making small talk," Null said, tapping a claw on the floor.

Shane frowned. "I need you to do this. Don't let her back in Aeon Town until after sundown, got it? Even if you have to carry her away while she's still sleeping." He paused. "Okay, maybe don't do that one. But still, I…" He took a deep breath. "I trust you to do this."

Null's eyes widened. He nodded his head slowly. "I'll do my best," he said.

"Great. Then I'd better get running. There's a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it. And we need this to work," Shane said. He trotted over toward the door and out onto the street. Null watched him disappear around a corner.

"Good luck," Null whispered. "For Riolu's sake, I'm rooting for you."

 

[Flaze]

Well, it took a while but at least it's finally happened. Granted I'm not too sure on whether Shane will be able to do things so smoothly, but hopefully his attempt at trying to cheer Tessa up work.

This chapter was very emotional to say the least, though I'd say Shane was acting severely douchey in this chapter, to the point that his sudden shift in character might feel a little jarring considering how much he was belitting Tessa even up to before she told him about her family situation. Outside of that, the first part with Metagross is a bit confusing, though I think that's mostly on me since I thought that them passing the test would mean them getting ranked up as a Team, but the team would still be broken up regardless.

Either way, the scene where Tessa finally tells Shane about her family was pretty eye opener and helps finally give Shane the kick he needs. What I would correct about it would probably be the fact that it does veer a little into melodrama at points and yet at the same time I feel like it doesn't pack quite the punch you'd think it would, mainly cause it's something the audience had already been privy too for a while now. Similarly strong was Shane admitting his mistakes and actually cooperating with Null, and in general Null's pep talk to Shane was touching and it's nice to see the two finally have a heart to heart.

I'm curious as to what'll happen in the next chapter, like I said, I'm sure Shane's party won't be enough to really make up for anything, but I hope it can at least help him and Tessa see a bit eye to eye. Also, I'm intrigued by Shane's flashback, could it be that his childhood friend actually got killed and that's why Tessa's stroy brings that to mine?

 

[namohysip]

Copied from elsewhere:

Hey Amby! I navigated all the way down here with a blindfold. I'm finally starting! The following is a review for the Prologue and Chapter 1.

So, as is tradition, I always said that I was going to review your stories by episode until I catch up. However, just this once… I’m gonna review the prologue and first chapter, because, as we all know, those are the most important chapters. It’s what introduces the reader to the story and—more importantly—the make-or-break for most of them sticking around to begin with.


So far? I like what I’m seeing! But I can’t quite place exactly why specifically. There’s a bit of lightheartedness to it, and I’m getting some Explorers vibes from the way Tessa is presented at the start. I have vague ideas about things to come, though I know very little in terms of actual spoilers. But I know Tessa is one of the squad, and she’s got problems. So far, though? She just seems like a Riolu that can’t quite get things right.


The star of the show, despite Tessa being the main perspective for most of chapter 1, is Shane. I feel like this can be overused a lot, but I think you executed Shane’s predicament well. It’s so meta. And that’s hard to execute while still being taken seriously, or in general, for me to enjoy it. It’s just the right balance of Shane being aware of the history of the world he’d entered, while still not making it a reference-fest. I particularly like how Shane’s own preconceptions of his circumstances is leading him into those very circumstances—a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I thought that was a clever way to get the ball rolling.


Minor nitpick: As someone who generally works with shorter chapters, I felt that the moment Tessa knocked Shane out could’ve been the end of a chapter. But that’s just me, and the chapter as it is feels just fine. Perhaps that’s because I’ve had to deal with 15k+ word chapters in the past, so now suddenly your chapters feel short.


Now then, onto some quote feedback and snark, as is forum tradition:

What is the essence of one's being?

Quarks?

What magic ingredient fills us with life?

Adenosine triphosphate?

And sets us apart from plants and bacteria?

Lack of cell walls?

You’re giving me Bulbasaur? I wanted Riolu!

This was a pretty good way to establish how we're starting the story. Not the Pokemon world yet--human world! Normal human world, in fact! Quick and easy.

The taste of iron filled up his mouth, and the scent of motor oil assaulted his nostrils.

You know, it's kinda funny. I've never actually watched or read a show or book that started off in this way, where the hero runs into lethal trouble and then wakes up in a new world, and yet I feel like this opening has been done a thousand times. Still. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

"Sure am! I'm Growlithe. Say, aren't you Lucario's daughter?" he responded.

Random thought whenever I see stuff like this, but, for towns with a high population, how exactly does this work when there's more than one of a species running around? "Oh, which Lucario?" and all that is probably rampant in civilizations like these.

She scooped up a handful of sand and gently poured it onto the back of her head.

This... that's never coming out. Ever. Like, ever ever. Even a bath isn't getting that sand out. I feel like this should be mentioned throughout the entire story, every so often grains of sand just falling for no reason from her head. Because it will never completely get out.

Unless you're modest-natured, of course, which will make you one heck of a Lucario when you evolve.

I'm more of a Jolly or Timid sort of guy for them. Speed > offense. Still, appreciate the competitive nod~

"Huh… well there was that one Ninetales in the Air Continent.

Ohhhh if that one is still around, I hope you retconned Ninetales to be Alolan. It fits too well.

Tessa looked up at her assailant, eyes freezing on the black crystals covering Espy's chest and shoulders.

...How old are they? I'm pretty sure with the cards and all that, these are possessed versions of Umbreon and Espeon from Infinity. Like, so, if I have my timeline correct, the Dark Matter incident happened some time before Tessa was born. I'm imagining that Tessa is at least a teenager. and perhaps she wasn't born instantly after the Dark Matter incident ended. And while I suppose it's not explicitly stated how old they are in the games, they were quite seasoned explorers and researchers, so I imagine they'd've been at least middle-aged, right? Or maybe prime-ish.

'I should've refused to help him. But I didn't. Because I'm an idiot! A weak... pathetic idiot who can't even stand up for herself!' Tears welled up in her eyes.

Okay, Tessa. We get it. Ya hate yourself. But please, girl, I don't know how long you can last if that attitude persists. At least to the point where I'm reading it every other screen.

___

Well! That was fun. You bet I'm gonna continue~

 

[Ambyssin]

This chapter was very emotional to say the least, though I'd say Shane was acting severely douchey in this chapter, to the point that his sudden shift in character might feel a little jarring considering how much he was belitting Tessa even up to before she told him about her family situation.

That was the intent, unfortunately. Was drawing from real life in that, in my younger days, I was so bad at "reading the room" it lead to awful, douchey instances where I brushed aside how someone was feeling. Only I didn't have the moment of realization Shane did.

Outside of that, the first part with Metagross is a bit confusing, though I think that's mostly on me since I thought that them passing the test would mean them getting ranked up as a Team, but the team would still be broken up regardless.

Well, that was the plan, but he didn't bring along the stuff to make it official. So, before it could happen, Tessa ran off.

Either way, the scene where Tessa finally tells Shane about her family was pretty eye opener and helps finally give Shane the kick he needs. What I would correct about it would probably be the fact that it does veer a little into melodrama at points and yet at the same time I feel like it doesn't pack quite the punch you'd think it would, mainly cause it's something the audience had already been privy too for a while now.

Ach, I was worried it might be too melodramatic. You're actually the first person to say that, though. The idea wasn't that it was a huge revelation... the revelation was that Tessa blamed herself for everything that happened.

Similarly strong was Shane admitting his mistakes and actually cooperating with Null, and in general Null's pep talk to Shane was touching and it's nice to see the two finally have a heart to heart.

Glad to hear it. There might be something similar for the other member of the trio coming in the next chapter.

I'm curious as to what'll happen in the next chapter, like I said, I'm sure Shane's party won't be enough to really make up for anything, but I hope it can at least help him and Tessa see a bit eye to eye.

The first question you should ask is if anyone will even be willing to help him with the bridges he's manages to burn. ^^;

Also, I'm intrigued by Shane's flashback, could it be that his childhood friend actually got killed and that's why Tessa's stroy brings that to mine?

If I answered, I'd just be spoiling things. Gotta leave you on the lamb. Thanks for reviewing! ^^

So, as is tradition, I always said that I was going to review your stories by episode until I catch up. However, just this once… I’m gonna review the prologue and first chapter, because, as we all know, those are the most important chapters. It’s what introduces the reader to the story and—more importantly—the make-or-break for most of them sticking around to begin with.

I'm not sure which version you were reading, but generally speaking this version (on Bulba) will always have the most up-to-date version of chapters, since I do a fresh round of revisions before putting it here.

So far? I like what I’m seeing! But I can’t quite place exactly why specifically.

Well it wouldn't be mystery dungeon if you knew exactly why, m i rite? *laugh track plays in the distance*

There’s a bit of lightheartedness to it, and I’m getting some Explorers vibes from the way Tessa is presented at the start.

That was deliberate. It does mirror Explorers a lot to set up a deliberate bait and switch for when Shane wakes up and starts... well... being Shane.

I have vague ideas about things to come, though I know very little in terms of actual spoilers. But I know Tessa is one of the squad, and she’s got problems. So far, though? She just seems like a Riolu that can’t quite get things right.

Yeah, she's not starting out on the best foot, but she's going to grow quite a bit in a number of ways, I promise!

The star of the show, despite Tessa being the main perspective for most of chapter 1, is Shane. I feel like this can be overused a lot, but I think you executed Shane’s predicament well. It’s so meta. And that’s hard to execute while still being taken seriously, or in general, for me to enjoy it. It’s just the right balance of Shane being aware of the history of the world he’d entered, while still not making it a reference-fest.

Glad to hear it. I'm always a bit worried that this part will completely alienate interested readers, but I wanted to go forward with it anyway and just kind of skip the usual beats for humans turned into 'mons.

I particularly like how Shane’s own preconceptions of his circumstances is leading him into those very circumstances—a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I thought that was a clever way to get the ball rolling.

His preconceptions are a big part of all of this. I'm not sure which version you saw, but the most revised version does state he's from the year 2015... so knowledge and a lack of knowledge will be colliding.

Minor nitpick: As someone who generally works with shorter chapters, I felt that the moment Tessa knocked Shane out could’ve been the end of a chapter. But that’s just me, and the chapter as it is feels just fine. Perhaps that’s because I’ve had to deal with 15k+ word chapters in the past, so now suddenly your chapters feel short.

Yeah, this chapter was much shorter before revisions, but I couldn't just randomly split it after finished them, so I had to take the bullet and leave it as is. No other chapters will reach this length... except for an old April Fool's joke.

Adenosine triphosphate?

*adjusts nerd glasses* Excuse me, I'll have you know there wouldn't even be ATP if your body didn't have DNA to synthesize the machinery necessary to produce ATP.

You know, it's kinda funny. I've never actually watched or read a show or book that started off in this way, where the hero runs into lethal trouble and then wakes up in a new world, and yet I feel like this opening has been done a thousand times. Still. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

I wasn't even aware of the trope, myself. That part of the prologue is actually far more important than anyone realizes... but you won't be finding out for awhile.

Random thought whenever I see stuff like this, but, for towns with a high population, how exactly does this work when there's more than one of a species running around? "Oh, which Lucario?" and all that is probably rampant in civilizations like these.

Stay tuned, there might be an answer waiting for you.

This... that's never coming out. Ever. Like, ever ever. Even a bath isn't getting that sand out. I feel like this should be mentioned throughout the entire story, every so often grains of sand just falling for no reason from her head. Because it will never completely get out.

Oh, trust me, she and Shane will be getting much messier.

I'm more of a Jolly or Timid sort of guy for them. Speed > offense. Still, appreciate the competitive nod~

I see you are a man of good taste. *tips fedora*

Ohhhh if that one is still around, I hope you retconned Ninetales to be Alolan. It fits too well.

Not quite. She may, however, have a cousin who serves much the same purpose in Horizon... who is an ice fox.

...How old are they? I'm pretty sure with the cards and all that, these are possessed versions of Umbreon and Espeon from Infinity. Like, so, if I have my timeline correct, the Dark Matter incident happened some time before Tessa was born. I'm imagining that Tessa is at least a teenager. and perhaps she wasn't born instantly after the Dark Matter incident ended. And while I suppose it's not explicitly stated how old they are in the games, they were quite seasoned explorers and researchers, so I imagine they'd've been at least middle-aged, right? Or maybe prime-ish.

I don't explicitly state the ages, but in-universe they're still on the younger side. Espeons and Umbreons average a 120-year lifespan in this world. Certain typings lead to longer lifespans, including psychic and dark. Espeon's slasher behavior is supposed to be unsettling and is a very deliberate about-face from how she was in Gates.

Okay, Tessa. We get it. Ya hate yourself. But please, girl, I don't know how long you can last if that attitude persists. At least to the point where I'm reading it every other screen.

I realize it's probably repetitive but, uh, that's kind of the idea. She is written as having depression. Like, if she were human, a psychologist were diagnose her. And I can say with experience that that kind of circular thinking and constant beating up of yourself is par for the course. It may not be pleasant to read, but I'd rather be true to what I know. If that makes sense. Sorry! ;~;

Anyway, thanks for reviewing! ^^

 

[PeaceSign]

I'm soooo behind! I've only read Episode 1 of all this good stuff, but hopefully you can find this review still helpful in some way! Opening up, just want to say that you REALLY own the while dialogue scene. The portions flow so seamlessly from character to character, really providing the reader with a window into Tessa's mind or Shane's antics. Your thought style for each character follow the dialogue format as well, so kudos there too! That's a very solid strength that I'm excited to see you explore for further chapters!

Moving into your plot, you certainly communicate that feeling of PMD whimsy. The Oran berry passed from Tessa to Shane, of course, Tessa's scarf, the characters falling and struggling to walk and the whole "whoa i'm a Pokemon..." perfectly captures the opening wow moments of the franchise. You really sent me 10 years back here with my DS and the first Red / Blue rescue team package! Of course, it also leaves you with somewhat of a tall order to fill. The PMD story line is known for being a heartbreaker with plenty of twists and turns, so I'm excited to read further and see how you both deliver that heartwrenching feeling yet also innovate the storyline to make it wholly your own!

Your characters are cuties. Shane's RP comment, dovetailed with the Super Smash bros one, makes him the instant crowd favorite. Beyond being relatable, he also owns a foolishly bright perspective that's just dang contagious. When he says him and Tessa can take on the whole world... I really want to believe it! And that's the type of main protagonist that plays with the heartstrings while really hearkening back to the hope of the PMD franchise. Tessa is a cinnamon gumdrop too. Overall, with both of them, I'm eager to see how their faults and strengths will not only grow individually but also in tandem with one another.

Your writing style! <3 It's certainly a joy to behold! Your prose is clear, clean, and easy to read. Though perhaps for me it feels sometimes... a little too safe. The same sort of sentence syntax is used, or something is not elaborated upon that, in my opinion, could really use a certain gravitas to really bring that scene further to life. For example, I noticed that your writing generally follows this sort of structure:

Jangmo-o tackled Tessa, but she maintained her balance. Her arms glowed red and she swung both fists at her attacker. She socked Jangmo-o right in the snout. He stumbled back in a daze.

It feels, summed up, like "this, and then this." Bare bones subject-verb structure that is honestly very helpful - I know exactly what's going on in this scene, who's hitting who and how, but it doesn't really put me at the edge of my seat. Certainly nothing wrong here at all - but I can tell you're dedicated to this, and seeing as you're experienced already in writing, I think a promising step could be to really experiment more with your prose. Break some rules of English, chuck some powerful verbs and adjectives in there, make the words sing. That would be my only piece of advice!

Otherwise very excited to see what you've cooked up for further chapters!

 

[kintsugi]

okay. man. where have i been.

overall thoughts

Putting this stuff first, for a change!

A general note: I read this in a really haphazard way, and by that I mean I read all the recommended chapters for the whole fic, and then the recommended reading for the characters, and then the most recent two chapters as of two weeks ago, and then I remembered that I actually was supposed to count "last two chapters" as the ones from before the Awards deadline closing, and then I went back and read the parts I'd been missing.

All this to say that the plot twists and foreshadowing probably would've been really interesting for a reader who wasn't completely butchering your chronology because she accidentally read it for a defunct category.

Second note: I originally was gonna do chapter-by-chapter reviews on this, but a lot of them were just general snark and not much substance. Also, I feel weird giving such micro-level feedback for chapters that you'd wrote over a year ago, especially given the progression in skill that I saw between chapter one and chapter twenty-nine. There were a ton of quotes/moments that I flagged as "man, this line is hilarious", though -- reading this was a really fun ride.

Final note: this genre isn't my schtick. I realize that now. It's cutesy episodic style and characters not learning from their mistakes over and over again and a clear-cut dark vs light battle and anime-style episode titles and mustachio-twirling villains and chapters where the focus isn't the story in the chapter and no one stopping to be a melodramatic shit with a cut of "suddenly, emotional". And these are things you're perfectly welcome to write about and honestly it's a sign of my shitty taste that i love them so much and that I'm just not a huge fan of, but despite all of that, I really, really loved reading this. LIKE. A LOT. I had to read all of this in a compact timeline and it never felt like a burden; I genuinely enjoyed it.

So tl;dr: about half this review is me musing on how anyone could possibly convince me to enjoy something so damn much when realistically it checks none of my boxes. GOOD ON YA.

plot

Right... so the story that began with a loveable asshole protagonist quipping constantly to break the fourth wall escalates to a mother being forcibly mutated into a monster and then murdered in front of her child in self-defense. Can't say I saw that coming.

I think for the most part your descent into madness is pretty subtle, which is good -- slowly boiling the frog rather than jumping straight to Buzzswole. Espy and Umbry are recurring and creepy enough in the early chapters that we don't really blink when they start doing progressively more awful stuff, until suddenly they're doing PROGRESSIVELY AWFUL STUFF AND THE SIGNS HAVE BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME WOW.

I think, in this light, revisiting my initial thoughts on how certain characters got handled in the early arcs/this sentiment:

This could be a dark tale about emotional manipulation and true friendship, but there's so much quipping laced in the narrative that any urgency/seriousness doesn't really hold up.

And with the knowledge of where things are going/after reading the most recent chapters, your response there (that the dark undertones were intentional) makes sense -- if I'd realized how seriously you were going to handle some of these arcs (Tessa ditching to form her own rescue team, Shane FREEZING HIS TEAMMATE SOLID WHAT THE FUCK SHANE), I think some of the hints to how mature this was going to be would've been a lot easier to handle. But I didn't know where this was going, and re-reading some of the intro chapters, I'm not sure if I reasonably should have -- the undertones feel like relevant foreshadowing in hindsight not really in foresight?

So with that in mind, let's take a look at two ways I've seen media handle light stories that darken. I'm trying to base this in things I've already seen rather than just spitball what could've worked, but apologies if it's too much fandom. Feel free to ignore as you want. I'll break them down into The Steven Universe way and The Pixar Way. Specifically, with examples Steven Universe, a story whose first episode is about the protagonist searching for his favorite brand of ice cream sandwiches and whose thirteenth episode is about the the idea that you only have to be as old as you think you are vs the grim reality that no, you're not, everything you love is either going to die in front of you or vice versa. And then examples from Up, a story with rainbow balloons and puppies that is literally marketed to children and whose moral is that you should pretty much just let your dreams die unless you want to be ironically thrown from a blimp.

The Steven Universe Way
Not to waste too much time explaining the plot of SU since that's not terribly relevant, but I think the main gist here is that the supporting cast got their moments in the sun, sometimes more than the protagonist does. Also, it has a similar way to handling a plot of increasing seriousness as you do -- the story starts very cheerfully, and then there's a fluke dark scene here and there, and then more frequently, and suddenly it's genocide for breakfast. But I think the success in how SU handles this is in how the supporting cast gets their own spotlights and we get to explore their own thoughts, feelings, and weaknesses -- this also means that, when it's time for the plot to get serious, there are multiple established mature lenses for us to see this seriousness from. We're able to see how the mature theme or whatever of the week effects multiple characters, and as a result events feel more grounded in the canon of the universe.

In the early chapters, when Tessa and Shane are having their squabbles, their fighting/room for growth feels really out of place in the rest of the plot outside of what specifically revolves around them. Not just because the Guild brushes them off a ton anyway (which, canonically, fits with the "Shane stop thinking you're the center of the universe" theme), and not just because it does have a lot of impact on their personal plot (them fighting baddies/lack thereof), but because no one else seems to have struggles of a remotely similar caliber. The supporting cast here is limited in their role to the services/interactions they provide to Shane/Tessa: Metagross makes smart science statements, Braviary is a supporting parental figure, Team Charm are fabulous guardians for Tessa. and. only. Tessa, Sneasel and Jangmo-o are cackling lil' shits.

AND I'M REALLY TORN HERE because in the next section I'm going to wax eloquent about how much I love these side characters. But at the same time, as a supporting cast, they don't really reflect the level of conflict that the main cast is feeling. Or, in other words: when Tessa rolls in with years of emotional baggage from being abandoned and is willing to tank missile herself in the foot if it'll maybe help her climb the pedestal she put her parents on, but the only other characters who are visibly struggling are Magearna's vocabulary banks being a bit off or Togedemaru being angry that Shane makes fat jokes -- the contrast makes it hard to recognize if Tessa's really supposed to be having this struggle, or if she, like the rest of the universe/characters around her, should be reduced to a more simple representation of her problem. No matter how dark the substance of the story gets (how shitty the Prism Virus becomes, how many outlaws arrive, how many corrupted gods are going around eating people), the emotional core starts to feel imbalanced, if that makes sense.

And of note is how much of this actually gets fixed when we start seeing the other side characters have deep struggles -- Prisma's Christmas chapter, for example, does a great job of grounding stakes that non-Shane/non-Tessa characters are feeling. It gives the sense that the entire world is having problems of a certain magnitude, and that this magnitude is similar to the emotional stakes you're pinning on the protagonists. It gives the illusion of a larger world, which makes it more easy to believe that these choices were intentional characterization rather than accidental.

The Pixar Way
A lot of people say that Pixar relies on flashy colors and cute visuals to distract the kids while it bombards adults with adult themes, but I don't think that's quite the case. Picking Up because it has best doggo sorry Null and also because it takes a really reductionist approach to storytelling -- there's one central theme that's mildly parseable to kids, and then most of the cast/plot is varying ideations of that theme. This means that the most basic iterations of that theme are recognizable/digestable, while the more complex iterations are familiar enough that they don't feel out of place. So for Up, which could be summarized as "a bunch of people trying to reclaim the past in a literal way", you get basic themes like the bad guy trying to regain his glory days when he was a hero, more complicated themes like doggo getting disgraced by Old Master and trying to be good enough that New Master says he is a good boy, and then you get really complicated/dark themes like Carl replacing his miscarried son with a boy scout he saw on the street and trying to replace his wife with a house so he can fulfill the dream they never got to do in its most literal incarnation.

And yet these all mesh fairly smoothly into a plot that kids love even though holy wow that last thing is super dark because it's basically the same problem wearing different hats. We get sold on the basic "it's silly to reclaim your glory days when the world's moved past you" premise with the villain, so when that gets thrown back at us in a really complicated way with the protagonist, we've already taken the first steps to accepting this premise, so it's kind of just a slippery slope. It's masking the dark with the familiar, and it works really well, at the cost of making your storytelling feeling almost a little too knit.

And here, again, this goes back to the confusion I had when it was just Tessa and Shane having these deep fears/struggles. This isn't to say that you aren't hindered by writing from Shane's viewpoint most of the time, and he's not the most empathetic knife in the drawer, nor is it to say that you should carbon-copy your character's problems onto the rest of the cast -- it's just hard to juggle story arcs where one of the problems posed is as surface level as "I can't use Powder Snow good" and the other one is "sometimes I struggle with viewing those around me as sapient beings with a rich inner life because I'm used to just fucking with NPC's and that makes me a sociopath but I can't really help it, ya know?"

hope any of that made sense -- i felt bad for not giving a full description back when I first mentioned having this confusion

plot, part two

i'm so sorry what even is this review format

Block of text of rambling thoughts aside, I still really enjoyed the plot. There's a lot of subversions that you do to the standard chosen one quest, and there were a few moments in the more recent chapters when I was genuinely floored -- Tessa starting a new team/Shane freezing her solid, Null beating the shit out of Buzzswole, Prisma is a human??, Feraligatr is Necrozma... there's a lot. I was definitely invested; this was a wild ride.

I did really like the interludes that started stepping away from Shane -- they tended to add good backstory to the world, or nice worldbuilding in general. The Team Charm interlude was lit and I'd make some comment here about golly I hope nothing happens to them, but I accidentally clicked on "most recent chapter" on FFN a few months ago and ruined that one already.

Point being. There are a lot of moving pieces here. I had some advice earlier up for how you handle the emotional weights of your plot, but the way that you handle the physical pieces of the plot is really masterful. Lotta fun to read, lotta suspense building, and overall I get the feeling that we're on a roller coaster that only goes up.

setting

Not much to say here except that a) having never played a PMD game after PMD: Red, b) I love the setting you have here. Like sure you aren't going to answer if Vulpix sweat or why they can fist bump, but Magearna is best support and Guild Braviary is best Alakazam stand-in, so I won't question it. I also love the care you took to adapt the PMD canon into this -- the Entercards/Umbry/Espy thing was a little lost on me (I know that PMD Super has Bittercold and Bittercold is bad and that's about it), but I love the idea that Shane assumes the best of them 'cause in his game there were similar characters who were heroes. I was super excited when Latias was Zoroark all along. Gallian is an edgelord but he's bad-ass as hell, as are his parents.

I don't really remember getting much explanation of Horizon outside of the Grass Continent and some of the legendary hiearchy/mythos, so forgive me if I'm wrong here -- I do wish we got to see more of how the world itself works. This setting is hard to keep a grasp on because the dungeons aren't super integrated into the plot. It's more of a "we're gonna do a plot and it happens to be set in [Dungeon Name]", and while it makes sense that every dungeon biome doesn't get its own magical and unique culture, it's a little hard to keep track of setting outside of "sand means beach" and "trees so it's probably a forest."

From the soft setting point, your supporting cast is awesome. They're pretty much the setting/worldbuilding at this point, and that structure ends up working to your favor pretty sleekly.

style

I had some notes drafted up for style, specifically in how you craft tension in battles, but this review is stupidly long already and I feel like I busted my quota on walls of text already. Message me if you want 'em.

overall, part two

On a final reflection of what I've read so far, I think the main reason I liked reading this story so much is because I really got the feeling that you liked reading this. You were writing what you wanted to write, and it shows, and that's a quality that I think is actually pretty rare in fanfic but that is super contagious, hence why I liked reading. I can't pretend to offer feedback on how to continue doing that, but please continue doing that -- this has been a wild read. I promise to be better at keeping up to date now that I've finally binged through the backlog.

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Hi Amby. My bad for taking so fucking long to read and review another chapter. I'm certain you won't have to wait so long between reviews from now on.

Unfortunately, this review might not be worth the wait, depending on what you're looking for in it. I have some problems with chapter three, and I'm going to address them in order of their occurring to me to mention. Most of the early points are personal nitpicks, but some of the later ones are quite serious. I hope you will find the feedback useful.

he soon found himself gulping down saliva.

This is just a very odd way to put that he's salivating. I had the mental image of him drinking huge amounts out of a container, and that's nasty, man.

Shane harrumphed. "Now let's stop lollygagging

These are pretty odd and archaic words considering that Shane is a modern American human and so is most of your audience and neither would likely use these words. I'd expect them to indicate that a character was an old-timey sort.

Cause that expression could make an Ursaring blush

He's not a native, so this is a pretty artificial expression for him to use.

Shane suddenly gripped Tessa'

The use of the word 'suddenly' reduces the suddenness of the action in the mind of the reader.

Hey… waaaaaaaait a second.

I dislike the use of vowel reduplication to indicate that a word is drawn out, as opposed to narrating that it is so or italicising, or just leaving it to the reader. I usually feel the same way about writing out accents, but you've done a decent job so far so it hasn't bothered me. The point is that the emphasis should be on what is being said rather than on how something is said.

You wouldn't happen to know any suspicious-looking Nuzleafs, would you?"

I think it's bizarre for Shane to assume that Nuzleaf from SMD would reflect whatsoever on other nuzleaf, that the accents would connect these characters, or that this is a sensible question to ask in any case. I also think it's absolutely mental of him to keep treating this experience as if it has anything much to do with his videogames.

I mean, he's clearly not in a game — what, does he think Nintendo abducted him and put him in some kind of hyper-advanced VR pod that rewrites his brain so he can experience what it's like to be quadruped and have a tail all while blasting him with 'graphics' equal to his vision and providing him with conversations that pass the Truing Test all while simulated in real time?

In fact, every time Shane makes specific references to the game franchise, it really bothers me. It reminds me that for some reason, there are canonically both our human world with PMD videogames and an actual PMD world where humans from our world have been transported in order to participate in the same stories as portrayed in the videogames made in the world they're from. Are the games based on this reality? Or do our games create this reality? In either case, Shane is both deeply irrational and unintelligent for approaching things with the attitude he has right now.

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy," Shane coaxed.

This is when I realised that you use specific speech tags a lot. There were a whole bunch this chapter, and they really distracted me from the actual dialogue. I think they're often unnecessary.

Shane laughed. "Ha! That's a good one. I've stared at Riolus on my computer screen for hours and the only way they look different is if an artist decides

Shane is a moron and it's really frustrating.

On the other hand, it's hilarious that he's clearly image searched riolu countless times. Dude is fixated. Makes me wonder which websites he frequented, wink wink.

Wicked awesome!

Also odd wording.

Fact: the recruits are Riolu and a human.

NICE. Guildmaster Metagross was an absolute delight this chapter. Instantly my favourite thing about the entire fic so far, and I loved every second he was in focus.

Don't underestimate my sheer enjoyment of Boss Metagross. He's the best. The best.

Guess you'll just have to learn about Horizon dungeons the old-fashioned way

A huge amount of time was given over in this chapter to back-and-forth about what Shane does or doesn't know and how Horizon dungeons work. I infer that you were trying to explain this stuff to your readers through inline exposition, but I found it uninteresting and unnecessary. You would have done well to cut the whole of that stuff out and resolve it by granting Shane brief inner monologues where he goes 'oh okay things are different to the games I've played'. As it is, it's not worth the space it takes up. It's also a bit hard to swallow Tessa's confident assertions about foreign lands when so far she's been shown to be wholly ignorant of overseas territories.

I don't have a specific quote from the dungeon encounters, but I quite enjoyed the pikipek encounter and the yungoos/trapinch encounter. It's good to see more underused pokémon! I'm always glad to see some different faces, and these ones were entertaining.

I swear this fic won't be following a constant pattern of alternating plot/interactions and battles between chapters. These are just easy breaking points for the earlier chapters.

No need to apologise for your own fanfiction, in my opinion. I'm going to keep reading and reviewing based on its own merits and not on promises in author's notes.

I realise this may seem like an almost entirely negative review. I am sorry for that, but I think you need to receive this sort of feedback and this chapter was mostly exposition, so there's less actual story going on. Still, I'll be sure to read more of Guiding Light before too long. I hope to see more of Guildmaster Metagross and other undersaturated pokémon in future chapters!

 

[Ambyssin]

Okay, I'm not used to responding to several long reviews like this. Which is not a bad thing. It's great to see all this stuff! I apologize for the delay, but work's kept me busy and I wasn't expecting to see all this, ha ha. I'm going to put stuff in spoiler tags to minimize the page stretch, if that's alright with everyone. ^^;

Spoiler: PeaceSign

I'm soooo behind! I've only read Episode 1 of all this good stuff, but hopefully you can find this review still helpful in some way!

No need to apologize at all! I really don't ever want reading this to feel like a chore. The episodic nature is meant to help any willing reader pace themselves. And I do love seeing people's thoughts as they read... even if the early chapters continue to have their issues.

Opening up, just want to say that you REALLY own the while dialogue scene. The portions flow so seamlessly from character to character, really providing the reader with a window into Tessa's mind or Shane's antics. Your thought style for each character follow the dialogue format as well, so kudos there too! That's a very solid strength that I'm excited to see you explore for further chapters!

Thanks! Dialogue is, by far, my favorite thing to write so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that I have a lot of it. It's so much fun.

Moving into your plot, you certainly communicate that feeling of PMD whimsy. The Oran berry passed from Tessa to Shane, of course, Tessa's scarf, the characters falling and struggling to walk and the whole "whoa i'm a Pokemon..." perfectly captures the opening wow moments of the franchise. You really sent me 10 years back here with my DS and the first Red / Blue rescue team package!

That is what I was going for with the opening. It draws a lot from Explorers as the bait, but the switch is in Shane's general behavior and actions. He's about as far as you could get from a PMD protagonist in terms of personality.

Of course, it also leaves you with somewhat of a tall order to fill. The PMD story line is known for being a heartbreaker with plenty of twists and turns, so I'm excited to read further and see how you both deliver that heartwrenching feeling yet also innovate the storyline to make it wholly your own!

Oh god, I feel the pressure already. I hope it can live up to your expectations. ;~;

Your characters are cuties. Shane's RP comment, dovetailed with the Super Smash bros one, makes him the instant crowd favorite. Beyond being relatable, he also owns a foolishly bright perspective that's just dang contagious. When he says him and Tessa can take on the whole world... I really want to believe it! And that's the type of main protagonist that plays with the heartstrings while really hearkening back to the hope of the PMD franchise.

Glad to hear it as, in the first several chapters, anyway, he tends to be the primary factor driving people away from the fic (see unrepentantAuthor's review for chapter 3 if you don't believe me). That's on me, I guess, but this is what I wanted to do with his character.

Tessa is a cinnamon gumdrop too. Overall, with both of them, I'm eager to see how their faults and strengths will not only grow individually but also in tandem with one another.

It's going to be quite the process, I tell you.

Your writing style! <3 It's certainly a joy to behold! Your prose is clear, clean, and easy to read. Though perhaps for me it feels sometimes... a little too safe. The same sort of sentence syntax is used, or something is not elaborated upon that, in my opinion, could really use a certain gravitas to really bring that scene further to life.

You're absolutely write with those early chapters. I've kept going back to make changes but it's not enough. Early chapters received initial feedback that they were too "clinical sounding" and, coupled with my desire to implement @diamondpearl876's feedback that I should describe each move better, probably led to some of those sentences.

Bare bones subject-verb structure that is honestly very helpful - I know exactly what's going on in this scene, who's hitting who and how, but it doesn't really put me at the edge of my seat. Certainly nothing wrong here at all - but I can tell you're dedicated to this, and seeing as you're experienced already in writing, I think a promising step could be to really experiment more with your prose. Break some rules of English, chuck some powerful verbs and adjectives in there, make the words sing. That would be my only piece of advice!

I'd like to think my descriptions and my fight choreography get better as the story go on, but I'll have to leave that to you to judge. Thanks for reviewing and I hope you continue to enjoy!

Spoiler: kintsugi

A general note: I read this in a really haphazard way, and by that I mean I read all the recommended chapters for the whole fic, and then the recommended reading for the characters, and then the most recent two chapters as of two weeks ago, and then I remembered that I actually was supposed to count "last two chapters" as the ones from before the Awards deadline closing, and then I went back and read the parts I'd been missing.

In other words, you did thing the Shane way. XD

All this to say that the plot twists and foreshadowing probably would've been really interesting for a reader who wasn't completely butchering your chronology because she accidentally read it for a defunct category.

Oh well, what can ya do?

There were a ton of quotes/moments that I flagged as "man, this line is hilarious", though -- reading this was a really fun ride.

I take pride in those funny moments, since, despite the dark turns PMD games can take, they are humorous at their cores and a lot of PMD fics tend to forget that.

Final note: this genre isn't my schtick. I realize that now. It's cutesy episodic style and characters not learning from their mistakes over and over again and a clear-cut dark vs light battle and anime-style episode titles and mustachio-twirling villains and chapters where the focus isn't the story in the chapter and no one stopping to be a melodramatic shit with a cut of "suddenly, emotional". And these are things you're perfectly welcome to write about

That's perfectly fair. Though, you might be quite surprised with some of the stuff you see in the later episodes. I mean, I'd like to think chapter 29 is pretty melodramatic. Flaze sure thought so. And there are definitely going to be a lot of chapters that are just characters hashing things out verbally. As for the villains, well, you'll have to wait and see, but I'd like to think that'll be an improvement going forward.

but despite all of that, I really, really loved reading this. LIKE. A LOT. I had to read all of this in a compact timeline and it never felt like a burden; I genuinely enjoyed it.

I'll take it! :V

Right... so the story that began with a loveable asshole protagonist quipping constantly to break the fourth wall escalates to a mother being forcibly mutated into a monster and then murdered in front of her child in self-defense. Can't say I saw that coming.

Neither did I when I started drafting this, to be honest. ^^;

I think for the most part your descent into madness is pretty subtle, which is good -- slowly boiling the frog rather than jumping straight to Buzzswole. Espy and Umbry are recurring and creepy enough in the early chapters that we don't really blink when they start doing progressively more awful stuff, until suddenly they're doing PROGRESSIVELY AWFUL STUFF AND THE SIGNS HAVE BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME WOW.

Correct. Though that might be unintentional, as I'll be explaining.

And with the knowledge of where things are going/after reading the most recent chapters, your response there (that the dark undertones were intentional) makes sense -- if I'd realized how seriously you were going to handle some of these arcs (Tessa ditching to form her own rescue team, Shane FREEZING HIS TEAMMATE SOLID WHAT THE FUCK SHANE), I think some of the hints to how mature this was going to be would've been a lot easier to handle.

Right, so here's the thing. The story was not originally going to be like this. I drafted Episodes 1-4 and Special 1 in their entirety before posting anything, just to prove to myself I had the motivation and was enjoying this enough to fully commit. The original story direction was a ridiculous parody, of sorts. And then I dropped the first chapter and initial reviews on Serebii gravitated toward how Shane's irrational behavior and jerkass attitude were different in a good way. And I didn't even intend for him to come off as a jerk!

So, I went back to my outline and rewrote the overarching plot. But this meant I was left with, like, 11 chapters that were not quite the same tone I was going for in the later story... but that I didn't want to scrap because I liked them for what they were and wanted to keep a chapter buffer going. I tried to revise them heavily to reflect the tone of the later episodes but that had mixed results, it seems. The one good thing, though, was that it seemed to allow me to shift to the darker tone slowly and subtly, as you said.

In the early chapters, when Tessa and Shane are having their squabbles, their fighting/room for growth feels really out of place in the rest of the plot outside of what specifically revolves around them. Not just because the Guild brushes them off a ton anyway (which, canonically, fits with the "Shane stop thinking you're the center of the universe" theme), and not just because it does have a lot of impact on their personal plot (them fighting baddies/lack thereof), but because no one else seems to have struggles of a remotely similar caliber. The supporting cast here is limited in their role to the services/interactions they provide to Shane/Tessa

I totally understand. I think it falls back on what I said above. When I started off writing this, I don't think I was approaching it like a story, but rather like the plot and script for a game, just without any visuals. Things were made very quirky to try and match the PMD games even if it didn't gel perfectly with the new direction the plot was taken.

But at the same time, as a supporting cast, they don't really reflect the level of conflict that the main cast is feeling. Or, in other words: when Tessa rolls in with years of emotional baggage from being abandoned and is willing to tank missile herself in the foot if it'll maybe help her climb the pedestal she put her parents on, but the only other characters who are visibly struggling are Magearna's vocabulary banks being a bit off or Togedemaru being angry that Shane makes fat jokes -- the contrast makes it hard to recognize if Tessa's really supposed to be having this struggle, or if she, like the rest of the universe/characters around her, should be reduced to a more simple representation of her problem. No matter how dark the substance of the story gets (how shitty the Prism Virus becomes, how many outlaws arrive, how many corrupted gods are going around eating people), the emotional core starts to feel imbalanced, if that makes sense.

Right, it makes sense. It really all falls back on me. I'm pretty sure I could go back and outright remove certain chapters (or episodes) and, coupled with some revisions, it might fix this stuff. But, at this point, I think I just need to see how the final product turns out before even trying something like that. In the meantime, I think I really do work to fix this in the coming episodes. The supporting cast shifts away from those quirkier characters and to ones who, if I did my job right, will have problems like Shane and Tessa and will be going through arcs where they have to confront their demons, so to speak.

And of note is how much of this actually gets fixed when we start seeing the other side characters have deep struggles -- Prisma's Christmas chapter, for example, does a great job of grounding stakes that non-Shane/non-Tessa characters are feeling. It gives the sense that the entire world is having problems of a certain magnitude, and that this magnitude is similar to the emotional stakes you're pinning on the protagonists. It gives the illusion of a larger world, which makes it more easy to believe that these choices were intentional characterization rather than accidental.

Yeah, that's really what I'm going for with the later episodes... especially with showing off more of Horizon's locales and the problems they have, which dovetails with the overarching issues the world as a whole is facing. Of course, it'll be up to you to judge how good a job I did.

And here, again, this goes back to the confusion I had when it was just Tessa and Shane having these deep fears/struggles. This isn't to say that you aren't hindered by writing from Shane's viewpoint most of the time, and he's not the most empathetic knife in the drawer, nor is it to say that you should carbon-copy your character's problems onto the rest of the cast -- it's just hard to juggle story arcs where one of the problems posed is as surface level as "I can't use Powder Snow good" and the other one is "sometimes I struggle with viewing those around me as sapient beings with a rich inner life because I'm used to just fucking with NPC's and that makes me a sociopath but I can't really help it, ya know?"

That probably stems from the early balancing issues I had with the plot, I'm afraid. ;~;

Block of text of rambling thoughts aside, I still really enjoyed the plot. There's a lot of subversions that you do to the standard chosen one quest, and there were a few moments in the more recent chapters when I was genuinely floored -- Tessa starting a new team/Shane freezing her solid, Null beating the shit out of Buzzswole, Prisma is a human??, Feraligatr is Necrozma... there's a lot. I was definitely invested; this was a wild ride.

Glad to hear it could still entertain despite its flaws. ^^

I did really like the interludes that started stepping away from Shane -- they tended to add good backstory to the world, or nice worldbuilding in general. The Team Charm interlude was lit and I'd make some comment here about golly I hope nothing happens to them, but I accidentally clicked on "most recent chapter" on FFN a few months ago and ruined that one already.

D'aww, thanks. Special episode reception has been divisive and we won't be getting another one for a very long time (like, 30+ chapters long), but there will be plenty of little bonuses.

Point being. There are a lot of moving pieces here. I had some advice earlier up for how you handle the emotional weights of your plot, but the way that you handle the physical pieces of the plot is really masterful. Lotta fun to read, lotta suspense building, and overall I get the feeling that we're on a roller coaster that only goes up.

Thanks! I really do think these upcoming episodes are of a much higher quality, but I am a bit biased.

Not much to say here except that a) having never played a PMD game after PMD: Red, b) I love the setting you have here. Like sure you aren't going to answer if Vulpix sweat or why they can fist bump, but Magearna is best support and Guild Braviary is best Alakazam stand-in, so I won't question it.

I really have had fun making PMD-flavored Alola, essentially.

I also love the care you took to adapt the PMD canon into this -- the Entercards/Umbry/Espy thing was a little lost on me (I know that PMD Super has Bittercold and Bittercold is bad and that's about it), but I love the idea that Shane assumes the best of them 'cause in his game there were similar characters who were heroes.

That stuff is actually from Gates to Infinity, the game that split the PMD fandom, so to speak. Super has Dark Matter, so anything you see with Dark Matter in it stems from that game. Going forward, there'll be more dovetailing with the canon games... or, at least, this world's version of them.

I was super excited when Latias was Zoroark all along. Gallian is an edgelord but he's bad-ass as hell, as are his parents.

And, don't you worry, they're going to come back in much greater capacities. ^^

I don't really remember getting much explanation of Horizon outside of the Grass Continent and some of the legendary hiearchy/mythos, so forgive me if I'm wrong here -- I do wish we got to see more of how the world itself works. This setting is hard to keep a grasp on because the dungeons aren't super integrated into the plot. It's more of a "we're gonna do a plot and it happens to be set in [Dungeon Name]", and while it makes sense that every dungeon biome doesn't get its own magical and unique culture, it's a little hard to keep track of setting outside of "sand means beach" and "trees so it's probably a forest."

That is also something I'd like to think I fix with the upcoming episodes.

I had some notes drafted up for style, specifically in how you craft tension in battles, but this review is stupidly long already and I feel like I busted my quota on walls of text already. Message me if you want 'em.

You can PM 'em to me, I don't mind. I've been trying to work in dp's feedback, as I said to PeaceSign, but I think the quality of the battles will be getting better, because they get a lot less conventional and much crazier going forward.

On a final reflection of what I've read so far, I think the main reason I liked reading this story so much is because I really got the feeling that you liked reading this. You were writing what you wanted to write, and it shows, and that's a quality that I think is actually pretty rare in fanfic but that is super contagious, hence why I liked reading.

This is true, I enjoy writing it a lot, even if it can be a bit tiring to do and is turning out to be a much larger project than I imagined it. XP

I can't pretend to offer feedback on how to continue doing that, but please continue doing that -- this has been a wild read. I promise to be better at keeping up to date now that I've finally binged through the backlog.

Here's hoping it can meet your expectations! Thanks for reviewing! ^^

Spoiler: unrepentantAuthor

This is just a very odd way to put that he's salivating. I had the mental image of him drinking huge amounts out of a container, and that's nasty, man.

Whoops, looks like one of those old, awkward phrases that slipped by me. Will have to keep that in mind whenever I can go back to that chapter.

These are pretty odd and archaic words considering that Shane is a modern American human and so is most of your audience and neither would likely use these words. I'd expect them to indicate that a character was an old-timey sort.

Huh... I actually use that word sometimes. ._.

He's not a native, so this is a pretty artificial expression for him to use.

That's, uh, kind of the point. He's trying to "fit in," albeit not very well.

The use of the word 'suddenly' reduces the suddenness of the action in the mind of the reader.

Drat! I'll have to keep that one in mind.

I dislike the use of vowel reduplication to indicate that a word is drawn out, as opposed to narrating that it is so or italicising, or just leaving it to the reader. I usually feel the same way about writing out accents, but you've done a decent job so far so it hasn't bothered me. The point is that the emphasis should be on what is being said rather than on how something is said.

Yeah, I think I took a very game approach to writing a story, which I'm sure is bad. I think I was trying to reduce that with revisions, but I can't remember. I'll try to tone down on it going forward if it makes sense to.

I think it's bizarre for Shane to assume that Nuzleaf from SMD would reflect whatsoever on other nuzleaf, that the accents would connect these characters, or that this is a sensible question to ask in any case. I also think it's absolutely mental of him to keep treating this experience as if it has anything much to do with his videogames.

It's supposed to be a bit odd. This is, essentially, Shane blurting out a thought that immediately popped into his head, without pausing to think about whether it really made sense in the context of everything that was happening. It's a clear social deficit and something that is fairly common in individuals like him. I don't want to talk about it publicly in the topic but you can PM me about it.

In fact, every time Shane makes specific references to the game franchise, it really bothers me. It reminds me that for some reason, there are canonically both our human world with PMD videogames and an actual PMD world where humans from our world have been transported in order to participate in the same stories as portrayed in the videogames made in the world they're from. Are the games based on this reality? Or do our games create this reality? In either case, Shane is both deeply irrational and unintelligent for approaching things with the attitude he has right now.

I admit I didn't delve too much into those questions, but suffice to say the existence of the two worlds is coincidental, especially if you buy into string theory and there being an infinite number of universes and whatnot. As far as Shane, I know we talked a bit on Discord and it's probably awful for me to say this but that's the point. He is irrational and acting impulsively and is clearly unable to distinguish reality from fantasy. I'm drawing from person experiences with these being other social deficiencies seen in Shane's condition. I fully admit that this is probably not the best approach to making a main character (in a first fic, no less!), but I chose to do it anyway. Part of it might have to do with the shift from full-on parody into a more serious story and the early chapters not properly reflecting that.

This is when I realised that you use specific speech tags a lot. There were a whole bunch this chapter, and they really distracted me from the actual dialogue. I think they're often unnecessary.

Oh, darn. I'd been really trying to strip those out, but this chapter must've slipped under my radar.

On the other hand, it's hilarious that he's clearly image searched riolu countless times. Dude is fixated. Makes me wonder which websites he frequented, wink wink.

It's exactly what you think it is.

NICE. Guildmaster Metagross was an absolute delight this chapter. Instantly my favourite thing about the entire fic so far, and I loved every second he was in focus.

Don't underestimate my sheer enjoyment of Boss Metagross. He's the best. The best.

You're not alone in thinking that, good sir.

A huge amount of time was given over in this chapter to back-and-forth about what Shane does or doesn't know and how Horizon dungeons work. I infer that you were trying to explain this stuff to your readers through inline exposition, but I found it uninteresting and unnecessary. You would have done well to cut the whole of that stuff out and resolve it by granting Shane brief inner monologues where he goes 'oh okay things are different to the games I've played'. As it is, it's not worth the space it takes up. It's also a bit hard to swallow Tessa's confident assertions about foreign lands when so far she's been shown to be wholly ignorant of overseas territories.

Double drat! Yeah, that is kind of an exposition dump that I may have to see about fixing in the (far) future.

I don't have a specific quote from the dungeon encounters, but I quite enjoyed the pikipek encounter and the yungoos/trapinch encounter. It's good to see more underused pokémon! I'm always glad to see some different faces, and these ones were entertaining.

Thanks. My general rule was that any character that's getting more than just a throwaway line has to be from the Alola Dex in USUM. I wanted Gen VII 'mons to get their time in the limelight as much as possible without it feeling like they're shoehorned into the story.

I realise this may seem like an almost entirely negative review. I am sorry for that, but I think you need to receive this sort of feedback and this chapter was mostly exposition, so there's less actual story going on.

It's okay. You're not the first. Episode 2 is typically the jumping off point for people who try to read this, but give up and it all comes back to Shane. Like I said, I'm happy to talk about it in PM because it involves a sensitive subject. But, like, don't feel pressured to keep reading or anything if it's going to frustrate you that much. Like I've always said, the last thing I want is for anyone to feel like reading this story is a chore. I want it to be enjoyed above all else... if that makes sense. ;~; That said, I'm thankful you took the time to offer the feedback. ^^

 

[namohysip]

I forgot to port this over!

Huh. Didn't realize until I actually checked the chapters that Episode 1 was only the prologue and two chapters. Oh well! Time to get to reviewing this chunk. Or, well... chapter 2. Since I already reviewed chapter 1. Don't worry, I won't clog up this place with chapter-by-chapter reviews when you're over 60 ahead! This just happened to be a short episode.

I'm sure by now it's pretty clear that when I review stories, I'm mostly focused on how the story, pacing, and characters pan out, rather than the actual mechanics, since I feel like that's what people are always going for anyway. Nah. I think you've got mechanics down well enough that we can get to how the actual macro-writing goes.

This was a pretty good "Let's get started" episode. Shane was introduced to the world of Pokemon; some basics of the new region were given; some mystery--between the Eon duo and Shane's brief "episode" of a flashback in chapter 2 with "accident," and so on--established an overarching plot; and finally, we have a look at a clear short-term goal, which is to become a member of the Guild. You have very basic groundwork in place. As far as the plot is concerned, I'm liking how it's getting set up. I'm most curious about why Shane is here in the first place, but I also feel like that's the most hidden question for a while, so I'll just keep that on the backburner.

I have a vague theory that Absol is Tessa's father. Pretty sure that's the same egg group.

Hmm, as for Tessa herself? I'm noticing that she's a bit less... mopey in this chapter compared to chapter 1. While a little jarring in my opinion, it's a welcome change regardless, because now she's at least a little more tolerable. She can start moping again when I actually know what's wrong with her; otherwise, it all feels unjustified. So I'm glad to see her actually picking up Shane's slack!

I sorta like both of them equally now--Tessa because she's less of a mope, and Shane because he's starting to be a little too thick. By now I feel like he should've caught on. Hopefully that "accident" episode sobers him up at tad.

Now then! Onto snips.

Sweat pooled in his tuft of hair. It collapsed, plastering slimy fur against his eyes.

This is why furred creatures typically don't sweat in this way.

Ice is, like, the most garbage-tier of all the types.

Bug, Shane. You're thinking of Bug.

"And why would I do something like that? We're not friends."

Thank you, Tessa.

For all we know… no, for all anyone knows, there could be dozens of humans-turned-Pokémon running around here that don't have legends about them.

Again, Tessa, thank you.

"I don't know how to explain it. You give off a good vibe," Shane said, giving her a big smile.

Shane, my man... what in the world is giving you this impression? Not to be Lucarioist, but she radiates a negative aura. He's smitten, isn't he?

His chest tightened and he clutched it with a forepaw. 'Accident?' he repeated. His jaw locked up. Sharp, pointed, invisible edges dug into his hide.

Ahh yes, the first bit of mystery. Pretty sure that's either a memory of the crash, or he's literally dying and this is all a dream. If it's the latter, I'm going to be extremely displeased, but something tells me it won't be, or if it is, there's a twist that makes it 'real,' particularly with all that madness in the prologue post-crash.

Well! See you after episode 2, probably.

 

[Ambyssin]

I think you've got mechanics down well enough that we can get to how the actual macro-writing goes.

I think some of the other reviews I've gotten might disagree with that, but I'll take it. :V

This was a pretty good "Let's get started" episode. Shane was introduced to the world of Pokemon; some basics of the new region were given; some mystery--between the Eon duo and Shane's brief "episode" of a flashback in chapter 2 with "accident," and so on--established an overarching plot; and finally, we have a look at a clear short-term goal, which is to become a member of the Guild.

every time i see eon duo i think of latis not eeveelutionsYes, I admit it's a bit... Explorers-ish when you look at it. But I did start this as a parody and so these chapters had to be adjusted to have some bait and switch elements to them.

You have very basic groundwork in place. As far as the plot is concerned, I'm liking how it's getting set up. I'm most curious about why Shane is here in the first place, but I also feel like that's the most hidden question for a while, so I'll just keep that on the backburner.

Oh, trust me, that is a big mystery and very important to the plot. So much so, nobody's been able to guess it correctly yet! But there is a big hint in chapter 2 and it's a word you harp on in particular.

I have a vague theory that Absol is Tessa's father. Pretty sure that's the same egg group.

Interesting guess.

Hmm, as for Tessa herself? I'm noticing that she's a bit less... mopey in this chapter compared to chapter 1. While a little jarring in my opinion, it's a welcome change regardless, because now she's at least a little more tolerable. She can start moping again when I actually know what's wrong with her; otherwise, it all feels unjustified. So I'm glad to see her actually picking up Shane's slack!

I think it mostly comes down to her actually doing something constructive with her time, so it's eating up her attention.

I sorta like both of them equally now--Tessa because she's less of a mope, and Shane because he's starting to be a little too thick. By now I feel like he should've caught on. Hopefully that "accident" episode sobers him up at tad.

Aha ha... I, uh, might have some bad news for you on that Shane front. As stated in an early reply, Shane has... a condition. And part of it is characterized by an inability to separate fantasy from reality at times. Put him in this kind of context and it gets made exponentially worse.

Bug, Shane. You're thinking of Bug.

No way! You've got Pinsir, Heracross, Scizor, Volcarona, Genesect... heck, Guzma can be pretty frightening with his bugs if you're not properly prepared.

Shane, my man... what in the world is giving you this impression? Not to be Lucarioist, but she radiates a negative aura. He's smitten, isn't he?

*whistles innocently*

Ahh yes, the first bit of mystery. Pretty sure that's either a memory of the crash, or he's literally dying and this is all a dream. If it's the latter, I'm going to be extremely displeased, but something tells me it won't be, or if it is, there's a twist that makes it 'real,' particularly with all that madness in the prologue post-crash.

This isn't really a spoiler. Shane's somehow repressed the memories of his last day as a human. Which will be a recurring point going forward. Thanks again for reviewing! ^^

 

[Ambyssin]

Content advisory: themes of depression and suicide.

This chapter was originally posted on January 12th, 2018. Enjoy!

Chapter 30: A Real Team Effort

~Aeon Observatory~​

"I don't really have all that much to tell y'all this morning," Braviary said. "Just a bit of a recommendation. Try to keep yer workloads light today. I've given Comfey a bit of a break–"

"Because Vulpix ran her ragged wit' his dumb injuries!" Yungoos cut in. "I ain't never seen her looking so tired."

Braviary rolled his eyes. "We don't need to be discussing no specifics, pardner. Point is, she's got the day off. So, I don't want any of y'all getting banged up out there, understood?"

The crowd of assembled guild members muttered their approval. "Good." Braviary nodded. "Now, anyone out there got something they need to say?" Silence followed. "Alright then. Yer dis–"

"Wait! Please wait!"

All eyes in the room turned toward the staircase, where Shane stood, panting heavily. "My goodness!" Bruxish said as Shane stumbled down the stairs. "What happened to you, dahling?"

"Yeah, you look like you got swallowed up by a Muk, chewed on, and then puked back up," Trapinch observed.

"Never mind that," Shane said. "I need everyone's help, like, right now!"

No sooner did he say that than Yungoos moved to block him off. "Youse need our help? After the stunt ya pulled last week? Buzz off! Helping you is a virtual death sentence, bub. And youse still owe me a berry sorbet, anyway. So, I doubly ain't helping."

"But… but this isn't about me. It's Tessa!" Shane said.

"And why should we believe you, huh?" Growlithe asked, limping to Yungoos' side. "As I recall, when I offered to help, I ended up charging into battle against a mutant Bewear with no plan of attack. All because you had no Escape Orbs to bail us out. And what did I get for that decision? A broken leg, that's what." He stuck his snout up in the air. "You've burned up your good will, buddy."

"This is serious, you guys," Shane insisted. "Tessa… she's hurt… really bad. I screwed up, okay. And now I need to make things right!"

"Oh, what a surprise. It's your fault, huh?" Serperior scoffed. "And you're saying you want to fix it, but the reality is we'd just do the work and you'd try to take the credit. I'm sensing a pattern here. One that I really don't like. Whatever you did, you can figure out a fix for yourself." She turned to her teammates. "C'mon girls, we're leaving."

"Will you all just shut up and let me speak for two seconds?" Shane barked, his eyes snapping shut. "I get it, okay. I'm very, very bad at this. I've made dozens of mistakes and it's gotten a lot of you hurt. I'm sorry. Really, truly, honestly sorry! And… and I wouldn't be coming to you guys if I wasn't absolutely, one hundred percent sure that I need your help. But I do!"

"Your mouth's moving, kid, but all I hear is 'blah, blah, blah.' How many times have you said the same things to Riolu, huh?" Serperior asked. "Talk is cheap. If you're really sorry, then prove it."

Shane teared up. "Tessa… she's super depressed because of me," he said. "I know, it's terrible. I don't need you guys beating me up over it. I just need some help to make her happy again. Please…" He looked up at the group with watery eyes. "I can't do this by myself."

Yungoos' brow furrowed. "Don't bother, rookie. Turning on da waterworks ain't changing my mind. Youse ain't trustworthy no more, see?"

Shane glanced Trapinch backing toward the southern hallway out the corner of his eye. "Um, yeah. No offense, Vulpix, but how do we know this isn't going to end like your other ideas?" he said.

Shane's ears folded against his head. "You don't understand," he whispered. "She's holed up in her house. And she refuses to leave."

"Finally realized you're bad company, huh? Took her long enough," Togedemaru heckled.

"That's not it!" Shane said. "She's… she's…" He squeezed his eyes shut and turned away from the group. "She's refusing to move. I think she's trying to starve herself to death."

A flurry of shocked looks followed. Shane poked one eye open, just in time to notice the surprise disappear from his guild mates' faces. Under the combined weight of a dozen glares, he shrank back toward the wall.

"Do you have any idea how stupid you sound right now?" Serperior growled. "Gods, it's the 'Lycanroc is evil' routine all over again. I can't believe you're willing to lie like that just because you can't make things work with your partner."

"Um… guys? Maybe we should hear him out?" Mimikyu mumbled, trying to push his way past Togedemaru.

"I'm not lying!" Shane shouted, his voice cracking. He hung his head. "It's true, okay. I did this to her. Our mission went so badly, I flew off the handle and told her that her parents never loved her."

A tailfin blindsided Shane, leaving an imprint against his muddy fur. Milotic's tail coiled around his body and hoisted him into air. Shane squeaked as Milotic pulled him up to meet her at eye level. Her normally soft eyes were filled with rage. "How could you do something so insensitive?" she barked, thrashing him about in midair. "I ought to blast you with a point blank Hydro Pump for that!"

"Put him down, Milotic," Mimikyu cried. But he was drowned out by Yungoos' and Togedemaru's shouts of encouragement.

Shane jammed his eyes shut and looked away from Milotic, expecting a sudden wave of pain.

"All y'all, be quiet!"

Shane lifted his head up and his ears twitched at the sound of shuffling. Braviary pushed Yungoos and Growlithe aside. He walked up to Milotic, with Mimikyu trailing behind him. "I'm disappointed in y'all. I sure as heck know I didn't train y'all to act like this. And if the Guildmaster were out here, he wouldn't stand for this malarkey."

"But Braviary, you and Metagross hate him too, don't ya?" Togedemaru said.

"Personal thoughts ain't important right now," Braviary said, waving her off. "What is important is that everyone gets to say their piece." He looked down at Mimikyu. "Go on, now. Speak up, pardner."

Mimikyu nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "Guys, I think we should help Vulpix out. He sounds sincere to me." Several guild members turned to look at Mimikyu. "I know you say you don't want to work with him, but he's already said that this isn't about him. It's about… uh…" His disguise head lolled off to one side. "Wait, who's Tessa again?"

"Riolu," Shane said.

"Right!" Mimikyu's fake head bobbed back and forth. He turned toward the other guild members. "Look, maybe the crying was a bit much, but Vulpix actually put his pride beside him to come to you guys and beg for your help. I may not technically be an official explorer, but that seems like a pretty big thing for him to do."

Mimikyu pivoted back and forth. "I know that I'm willing to trust him this one time. So, are you guys really going to stand here and tell me you'll let Riolu stay depressed simply because you're determined to hold grudges against Vulpix? That… um… doesn't really seem in line with your guys' philosophy." He shuffled back toward Shane and Milotic, stealing nervous looks at the guild members.

"Well, he ain't exactly wrong," Braviary said. Milotic looked over at her teammates. Serperior clearly looked unconvinced, but Dragonair nodded slowly, prompting Milotic to release her grip on Shane. He dropped to the floor, looking up at Milotic nervously.

"So, just to clarify, Riolu's feeling miserable... and choosing not to eat because of it?" Milotic said. Shane nodded. "And you want to try to do something to fix it?"

"Well, I'd at least like to try and make her feel better," Shane said. "See, the problem is, Tessa– sorry, Riolu feels unwanted and alone. Namely, because none of her family's around anymore." Dragonair's eyes narrowed, causing Shane's to panic. "Those were her words. Not mine. I swear! She dold me about her tad– I… I mean told me about her dad." He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. "The point is that I thought, maybe if we all pitched in and worked together, we could show her that there is somewhere that she's wanted. Namely, right here in the guild."

Braviary flew over to Shane and landed in front of him. "Well, what did ya have in mind, hoss?"

"Um…" Shane pawed at the ground. "Today's actually Riolu's hatch day."

Murmurs rose up from the group. "Hey! How did you come to find that out? Because I strongly doubt she'd tell you that," Serperior said with a suspicious glare.

Shane winced. "I overheard your team talking about it," he admitted. He squirmed about uncomfortably as Braviary gave him a stern look. "And I heard it because…" He took a deep breath. "I heard it because I was sneaking around the veterans' quarters by myself." He slid down onto his belly, trying to avoid Serperior's scathing look.

"Seriously? You were spying on us?" she hissed. "You little perv! What else did you hear, huh? And what did you see?" She shot her vines at Shane, but Braviary batted them away with a wing.

"It's alright, y'all," Braivary said, holding up a wing, "I've already handled his little eavesdropping problem. So, what's Riolu's hatch day got to do with yer plan, pardner?"

"I want to throw her a surprise party," Shane said. "Tonight."

"Haaaa ha ha ha ha!" Yungoos broke out in laughter, only to abruptly stop. "Wait, youse actually serious? Get outta here! Ain't no way we can get a whole entire party set up in a day. We're explorers, not magicians. Do youse see Hoopa around here? No. It'd take da whole day just to get da supplies for a halfway-decent party." He shook his head. "I shoulda known you'd be t'inking crazy."

"You're right. Anyone would have trouble setting up a party in one day… if they worked alone," Shane said, "But if everyone chips in, I think we can get it done." He looked up at Braviary. "I, um, don't exactly have a concrete plan–"

"Gee, there's a big surprise," Togedemaru said sarcastically, only for Braviary to give her a disapproving look.

He gave Shane a nod to continue. "Err, yeah. Anyway, I was thinking some of us could go into Aeon Town and buy supplies to get this place set up. And, um, maybe some gifts along with the supplies?"

"And what about food?" Growlithe asked.

"Well, I was kind of hoping you would fly me over to Sunrise Village, Braviary," Shane said. "We could ask Sylveon and Eevee if they wanted to help prepare stuff for Riolu. I'm sure they'd say yes."

"And they're more than welcome to come here and use our kitchen!" Steenee said, waving a wooden spoon. "I'm assuming you'd like my help too?" Shane nodded. "And will anyone else want to prepare treats?"

"Oh! Oh! I will… I will!" Mimikyu said, waving a raggedy arm about excitedly. "Err… if that's okay with everyone, I mean…"

"I'd be happy to have you aboard," Steenee said, causing Mimikyu to perk up.

"I was also thinking we could rent out the Sky Jukebox from Crabrawler's Café," Shane said. "Crabrawler still owes me a favor for finding his missing recipe. I'm sure he'd be willing to help. But what I don't know about is how we'll move it all the way up to the Observatory."

"What about Null? He seems perfect for a heavy lifting job," Milotic said.

"Sorry. I've got him keeping Riolu busy," Shane said, frowning. "Trust me, he's in the best position to do that." He looked at Braviary pleadingly. "Do you think maybe the Guildmaster would be willing to levitate it up here?"

Before Braviary got a chance to answer, metallic footsteps jolted everyone to attention. Fact: I am capable of moving the jukebox. Offer: I will move it, provided I am told when the Jukebox is secured.

A metal door slammed shut and relief washed over Shane. "Okay… okay. I think we can do this. It might be tough, but we've gotta try," he said.

"And I think youse is crazy," Yungoos said. "But, fine. If it's for Riolu, I guess I'll give it a shot."

"I like parties! Especially ones with cake. You can put candles on them!" Growlithe said. "So, as long as I get to pick the candles, I'm in."

"Well, we were thinking of trying to do something," Milotic said. "I suppose we could help out as well."

"I'm more than happy to help with the set-up, daaaaahlings. I'm sure my levitation could be veeeeery helpful," Bruxish chimed in.

Braviary nodded. "And I'm ready to fly you over at a moment's notice. Just say the word."

A smile crossed Shane's muzzle. "Great. Let's get to work!"

XxX

~Sunrise Village, Sylveon's House~​

"You don't exactly look like you're in any condition to be planning a party, Vulpix."

Sylveon's ribbons moved back along a table, grabbing some uneaten berries and placing them into a basket. "Covered in mud. Patches of fur missing. And your eyes are bloodshot." She shook her head. "Are you having trouble sleeping? Because I know a really nice Hypno who could help with that."

"I'm fine," Shane insisted, quickly biting down on his tongue to hold back a yawn. "We could really use your help setting things up for Riolu. You're an amazing baker. I'm sure she'd absolutely love it if you made her a cake."

Sylveon's brow furrowed. "Normally, I wouldn't think twice about it. But the other week, Riolu made it pretty clear she doesn't want to do anything for her hatch day." She looked over and noticed Eevee's head poking up over the counter. He was trying to reach for the basket. Sylveon extended a ribbon and pushed him back onto the floor with a stern look. "I'm sorry. I'm just not comfortable with going behind her back like that. She's really sensitive about that sort of thing."

"Please, you've gotta help me," Shane said. "Look, she's an absolute wreck right now because she's thinking about her dad–"

Sylveon frowned. "She told you about Incineroar."

Shane looked down guiltily. "It, uh, it might've come up in conversation." He shook his head. "Look, the point is, she needs us to show her that she's not alone and that there are people who care about her. This was the best thing I could think of. So, please… would you lend a paw here?" He turned to the dirty item pouch still slung across his torso. "I don't have money on me right now, but I could easily get some from Dhelmise Depot on the way back to the Observatory."

"There's no need for that," Sylveon said. "Are you really telling the truth, though? Is Riolu depressed?"

"It's worse than that. She had me leave her as a sobbing mess," Shane said, pawing at the ground dejectedly. "I know I haven't been very good to her. So, I'd just like one chance to make things right…"

"Very well," Sylveon said. "But I have one condition."

"What is it?"

"You need to adjust your thinking," Sylveon said. Shane watched her pluck Eevee off the ground in her ribbons. "Wanting to make up for how you treated Tessa is great. But, saying this is about how you treat her is self-centered. And frankly, you've come across as rather selfish since I've met you." Shane flinched. "So, if you talk to anyone else about this, I want you telling them that you're doing this to lift Tessa's spirits. Nothing more and nothing less," Sylveon said.

"I… I can do that," Shane said, once again trying to fight off a yawn.

"Great." A smile appeared on Sylveon's face. One of her free ribbons shot toward a cabinet and pulled out a piece of paper. "Truthfully, Eevee and I were thinking of dropping something off at the Observatory for her. I've got a perfect recipe in mind. Though, I imagine I'll have to use a lot more ingredients to make the cake big enough for everyone." She grabbed a scrap of paper off the counter and looked at it. "Yeah, I'd say if I multiply everything by twenty, the cake should be large enough.

Eevee's eyes sparkled. "Does that mean there's gonna be twenty times the batter left over in the bowl for me?"

"Sorry, Eevee, it doesn't work that way. Besides, the bowl I'll be using is so big, you'd fall inside it if you tried to lick the batter," Sylveon said, giggling. Eevee's slumped over in his mother's ribbons. "Well, I think we'd better get going."

"Braviary's waiting right outside," Shane said, leading Sylveon out of the house.

XxX

~Aeon Town~​

Serperior and Milotic moved down a store aisle in tandem. "What color ribbons do you suppose Riri would like?" Milotic asked. "I was thinking blue, but maybe that's too obvious?"

"She wears a rainbow scarf," Serperior said. "If anything, that's our best option." She turned toward the front of the store. "Yo, Kecleon! Got any rainbow ribbon in stock?"

Kecleon appeared at the end of the aisle, broom in hand. "Hmm, I'd have to check in the back. I don't get party supplies delivered all that often. Give me one second." He disappeared behind some shelves.

"So, you think Vulpix is being sincere this time?" Serperior asked.

"I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt," Milotic said. "Still, there's a part of me that feels uneasy about all of this. You saw how he looked. What do you suppose happened to him on that mission? And do you think Riri had a similar experience?"

"I'm guessing she probably did," Serperior said. "And, not going to lie, I don't trust him to throw a good party. I feel like he's just doing this more for himself than for Riri. So that he can turn around and say that he's amazing because he planned such a great party, or some nonsense like that. You can bet I'll be keeping an eye on him. If he steps out of line…" Her voice trailed off and she whipped one of her vines out against the air. A loud crack sounded through the store.

Milotic nodded. "That does sound like him. Want me to Hydro Pump him if he tries a stunt like that?"

"Only if I get to Dragon Pulse him, too," Serperior said with a laugh.

"Good news, ladies!" Kecleon called. "I found some rainbow ribbons in storage. Come have a look!"

XxX

~Dhelmise Depot~​

"Hiya, Dhelmise. I need to grab my Super Special Surprise Sparklers out of storage, please," Growlithe announced. He dropped his explorer's badge onto the front desk, where Dhelmise collected it up using a lump of seaweed.

"What exactly do these sparklers look like?" Dhelmise asked.

"They're a big pile of multicolored sticks!" Growlithe said, tail wagging.

"Okay. I'll be back shortly." Dhelmise turned and disappeared into another room.

"Seriously? Super Special Surprise Sparklers? What are those?" Araquanid said.

"My special brand of fireworks. I made them myself," Growlithe said, only for a gray tail to smack him in the back of the head. "Err, I mean, Togedemaru made them. But I provided tactical support!"

"He sat around eating spicy peppers," Togedemaru scoffed. "Nearly lit my tail on fire, too."

"Hey, I can't plan when I get indigestion," Growlithe quipped.

"Is it safe to use fireworks in the Observatory, though?" Araquanid said.

"Of course. At least, with ones this small, we should be fine," Growlithe said. "Now, my 'Big Bad Mamma Jammas,' on the other hand… they'd probably blow the Observatory up." He looked around the building. "And maybe half of Aeon Town, too."

Araquanid looked at Togedemaru. "Do I even want to know?" he asked

"No. You don't," she deadpanned. "Why are you even helping, anyway? You don't know who Vulpix and Riolu are. And trust me, there are much better ways to spend your time than helping out this stupid human."

Arauqanid shrugged. "He seemed like an okay guy from what I could tell. Well-meaning, if not a bit careless. Besides, parties are fun. And I joined the guild to help others. That includes my guild mates." He narrowed his eyes at her. "If you're so angry at this guy, why are you helping, then? Seems like this kind of thing isn't up your alley."

Togedemaru looked a bit flustered. "Well… that's… I…" She scratched at her head and looked away. "It's just because, in the unlikely event he's actually telling the truth, I don't want to be known as the girl who turned her back on a Pokémon at the end of its rope. Know what I'm saying?"

"So, you have a guilty conscience," Araquanid said. "Did you fail to act in a situation like this before?"

"What? No! I just–" She sighed and lowered her head. "Let's just say that, before I came here, I knew what it was like to not fit in."

"Oh? Care to elaborate?" Araquanid said.

"What do you want, a sob story?" Togedemaru said. "Look, I came from Circadian Coast. My parents expected me to be a performer like the Totem and his daughter and when I told them I wasn't interested, they decided to ignore me 'until I started thinking straight.'" She poked her nubby arms together. "One day I caught a glimpse of Team Captivate in action... and, next think you know, I'm packing my bags and sneaking off to Aeon Town in the dead of night."

"So, yeah, I think I know a thing or two about what it's like to not feel welcome somewhere," she said, shrugging.

Araquanid nodded. "There's no shame in that, you know. Sounds like you really do have a good reason to help."

"Whatever," Togedemaru said. "Just don't tell Vulpix I said that. Wouldn't want to inflate that head of his any bigger."

"Here are your things, Growlithe," Dhelmise said, and dropped a pile of sparklers onto the desk. It was such a large pile that some of the sticks rolled onto the floor in front of Growlithe.

Araquanid's eyes widened. "Duh-doesn't that seem a bit excessive to you?"

"Excessive? Hardly!" Growlithe said. "If anything, this isn't enough."

XxX

~Crabrawler's Café~​

Shane slumped over. "You're… you're kidding me!"

"Fraid not, lad," Crabrawler said. "The thing's been on the fritz since yesterday. And my old man never showed me how to fix it. I'm sure a mechanic could be here to fix it in, say, a week or so."

Shane crouched over, pulling at his ears with his forepaws. "I don't have that kind of time!" He started coughing.

"Are you okay, Vulpix? You look weary," Crabrawler said. "And that's to say nothing of your appearance. You're lucky I don't throw you out for tracking mud in here."

"I'm fine!" Shane insisted. "Look, what if I brought Magearna over? She's a top-notch mechanic. Maybe she can fix it."

Crabrawler shrugged. "Can't hurt, I suppose." Shane nodded and ran out of the café, wincing as he went. Crabrawler sighed and shook his head. "Poor lad is going to make himself sick running to and fro like that."

Shane staggered back into the café about five minutes later, Magearna walking along behind him. Good morrow, Crabrawler. I trust business is boominating as usual.

Crabrawler nodded, only for Shane to shove Magearna. "Listen, we don't have time for small talk, okay? Go take a look at the Sky Jukebox and see if you can fix it." Magearna gave him a blank look, to which he groaned. "… please?"

Of course. Please, give me some room. Magearna approached the jukebox. Her arms retracted into her body, and out popped a glowing rod and a screwdriver. She knelt down and started looking inside the base of the machine.

"Well, see anything?" Shane asked.

Yes. There a few loose bolts and a severed wire that I must repair, Magearna said. I suggest you go and get the Guildmaster. That way, he can move the jukebox when I'm done.

"You… you want me to go back now?" Shane said, lapsing into another coughing fit.

In the interest of preservating time, yes, Magearna replied.

He groaned and stumbled out the door.

XxX

~Azure Cape~​

"… we're here…"

Tessa slowly slid off Null's back, landing in the sand. She stumbled forward before dropping down onto her knees. "Why did you take me here? I want to go back home."

"… I think… you need some fresh air," Null said. "We could both use it… after all that time… underground…" He sat down next to Tessa. The two of them stared at the ocean in silence, watching sparkling waves lap up against the shore. This continued for several minutes, though Null interrupted the silence with the occasional jostling of his mask. Beside him, Tessa slowly rotated so she was sitting as well. Eventually, she scooted over and came to rest her head against Null's hip.

"… how are you feeling?"

Tessa rubbed her snout. "Horrible. And you?"

"… horrible," Null said, "but what else is new?"

"I know that you didn't mean to attack Vulpix in the marsh," Tessa said. "I wish I could've been there to calm you down, so that things didn't escalate."

"… it's okay," Null said. "We've already… talked about it." Tessa looked up at him in concern. "It's not something… you need to bother yourself with. You should… focus on yourself right now. And how you're feeling…"

"But you're hurting… like really, physically hurting. I think that trumps anything I'm feeling," Tessa said, frown deepening.

"Don't worry… about me. I've… been in pain… since I woke up… at the guild. I'll probably… be in pain… forever," Null said, sliding down onto his belly. Warm sand brushed against his fur and scales. Grunting, he rubbed the bottom of his helmet in the sand.

"Did you, like, feel anything weird when, y'know, you were attacking Vulpix?" Tessa asked.

"Just… headaches… searing, splitting headaches," Null said.

"Do you think, maybe, something's contributing to your pain? Like, say, hunger?" Tessa said. Null looked right at her. "Err, you know what, that was a stupid question." She rubbed the back of her head. "But, um, I have been curious about that since I've met you. Aren't you, like, starving? You can't eat anything with that helmet on, can you?"

Null shook his head. "I don't know. What does hunger feel like exactly?"

Tessa's eyes widened. "Are you joking? What kind of question is that? You get pain in your stomach... and sometimes your mouth starts to drool."

"My… my mouth," Null wheezed. "I don't…" His voice trailed off and he clawed at his helmet. "Nnngh… my head…" He shook his head around. "What if… what if I'm off base? What if… this helmet can't come off… because it's actually my face?" He lay his head down on his forelegs. "You heard… that purple guy. He called me… a failed experiment."

"If that's really true… then Shane is right. I'm not a Pokémon… I'm just a freak…"

Tessa put her paw on Null's side. "I don't believe that. For one thing, when you shake your head, your mask rattles around. There's got to be a face under there."

"Then… why can't I feel it?"

Tessa tensed up. "What do you mean?"

"The only things I can feel up here… are headaches. This helmet… just feels… really heavy… on my neck... and shoulders," Null said. "Other than that… nothing. If I really… have a face… under here… I have no idea… what it looks like. I can't… remember anything… about having a face. Why do you think… it's so hard… for me to speak? I can't… feel my own mouth... assuming it exists…"

Tessa rubbed his side. "I'm sorry, Null," she said, sighing. "Trust me, if I could trade situations with you, I would." Null looked at her and narrowed his eyes. "If I had to give up my memories so that you could get yours back… I'd do it in a heartbeat."

Null coughed loudly. "… this is… about your family… isn't it?" he said. Tessa looked away. "Riolu… you shouldn't… bottle this stuff up. It's just going… to make you… feel even worse."

Tessa's aura feelers drooped. "You… you heard what I told Vulpix," she said.

"I'm sorry… for eavesdropping," Null said. "I just… wanted to help you… feel better."

"I don't want to talk about this," Tessa muttered.

"You've already… talked quite a bit about it," Null said. "Surely there are… still a few things… you'd like to say… right?"

Tessa crossed her arms against her chest and turned away from him. "No. I said I'm not talking about it. And I mean it. My mind's already made up."

"… then I won't... make you talk," Null said.

"Good. Then I'm going back home," Tessa growled, getting to her feet. But Null's hind leg shot out behind him, forcing Tessa back down onto the sand. She gave her friend a look of disbelief. "You're really going to try and stop me? I'm not even doing anything! I just want to lie down in the dark… alone."

Null shook his head. "I'm sorry… I'm not letting you walk off." He turned to look at her. "I saw you... reach for that glass. I can't just… brush that aside…"

"Why not? Vulpix obviously did," Tessa said.

"He got… pulled away… for something important," Null said. "Believe me… he's just as concerned… about what he saw… as I am."

"He is?" Tessa whispered, flinching.

"Yeah. And I imagine... that's pretty hard for him... given what happened in the marsh," Null said, nodding.

Tessa stiffened, grabbing sand with her paws. "What do you mean by that?" she whispered.

"Well... it's hard... to put it... into words," Null rasped. "Things just... got out of control... down there. But... the thing is... even if I didn't mean... to attack Vulpix... I still did. He nearly drowned... because of me. Because... of those voices. And... from what it sounds like... you brushed that all aside..."

"What are you talking about?" Tessa said, aura feelers shooting up. "I managed to stop you, didn't I? That's all that matters, right?"

"Not to Vulpix," Null said with a heavy sigh. "He has to live... with the memory of what happened to him... of this big, scary monster... trying to rip him to shreds... compounded by his other teammate... trying to make it seem... like it was his fault." Null shook his head. "I can't blame Vulpix... for lashing out... like he did. If I were in his place... I'd have done the same thing."

Tessa couldn't believe she was hearing this. She blinked tears out of her eyes. "But... but what about the stuff he said to me?" she squeaked.

"Don't get me wrong... it was uncalled for," Null said. "But... by that point... everything had spiraled... out of control. We all got... swept up... by our own emotions... that we just... fell apart... at the seams. The stress... that Totem Lurantis added... certainly didn't help. If she wasn't there... if that purple guy wasn't there..." Null shifted about uncomfortably. "So many things... went wrong down there. Honestly... I'm not sure why... the Guildmaster did this."

Null looked at Tessa, who sat there, head bowed silently. It was true. She was sure of it. Everything Null said made too much sense. Her desire to win Null's friendship was so strong that she was willing to look past Shane's near-death experience at Null's talons just to make him happy. The realization made her chest tighten.

"You're right," Tessa whispered. "I... uh..." She put her paws on her shoulders and shivered. "Maybe it's a good thing my family's gone." Tessa slouched over. "I guess... I really should just disappear, then. I'd be doing everyone a favor. Even if I could muster the courage to go back to the guild, I can't face Vulpix. Not after what you just told me."

Null nudged Tessa with his helmet, but she pushed him away. "Riolu," Null whispered. "I think... you understand... what I was saying... right?"

"Yeah," Tessa said. "It's why I should stay away from the guild... forever."

"I can't... make that decision for you," Null said. "But what I can tell you... is that... understanding where things went wrong... is a good first step... to making amends."

Tessa refused to meet his gaze. Null figured he couldn't press the issue any further. He lay his head in the sand and took in a deep breath. His ribcage pressed against Tessa's side. Several minutes of silence followed. All the while, Tessa fidgeted with her paws and stole glances at Null. She knew what he said made sense, but there was a mental block in the way. Her gaze wandered off to the water, where she watched small waves roll up against the sand.

"When I was little, there was nothing I wanted more than to join the guild," Tessa whispered. "Dad always brought guild members over to visit. They looked so happy and were always super friendly to me." She repeatedly traced a circle in the sand with a digit. "Gallian and I always talked about how we were going to become Guildmasters… together." Tessa rubbed the bridge of her snout. "When he joined the guild, he'd come home so excited and full of energy. It was the happiest I'd ever seen him."

"And then it all came crashing down last year," she continued, her voice shaking. "After Dad died, I figured that joining the guild was the only way to get Mom and Gallian to pay attention to me again." She lowered her head. "But without anyone to train me, I didn't really make any progress. And, to make matters worse, I couldn't work up the courage to go toward the guild. I'd just think about the morning that Braviary showed up... and the rampage that Mom went on when she learned Dad died."

"I don't blame you… for having trouble. Something like that… has gotta be tough to live with," Null said.

Tessa nodded. "But it just got worse from there. Everyone I'd grown close to dropped out of my life," she explained. "The guild members stopped visiting. Then Mom left, with Gallian following shortly after. Sylveon and Eevee were all I had left." She rubbed her shoulder against her eyes, blinking away tears. "But, what was I supposed to do? Sylveon had her job to worry about and Eevee had other friends in Sunrise Village. He tried inviting me to come with him, but…" Her voice trailed off.

"You didn't go with him?" Null said.

"I tried… once," Tessa squeaked. "But his friends wanted to do practice battles. And I… I wasn't very good at battling. So, they laughed at me... and I ran back to Sylveon's house," Tessa said.

"What happened next?" Null asked.

Tessa's ears and aura feelers drooped. "Every day, I'd walk to Aeon Town. Every day, I'd get a bit closer to the Observatory. Then I'd think of all the bad things that happened since Dad died. And I'd run off. Sometimes I'd go to my parents' house and sometimes I'd come out here."

Null curled his body up so he could face Tessa. She dragged her knees up toward her head and stuck her face in her lap, desperately trying to avoid making eye contact. "And then Vulpix showed up," she said. "Right off the bat, he confused me." She shook her head. "I should've put my foot down. I should've told him to go get help somewhere else."

"But you didn't," Null said.

"Right. And look where it got me," Tessa said, flopping onto her belly. "Look where it got us. I feel so... small. Small and undeserving of any support."

"Riolu... I know that stuff I brought up... was harsh... but I did it... because I still care about you," Null said. "If you hadn't… joined the guild… with Vulpix… we wouldn't have met…"

Tessa winced. "I…" She bit her lip. "I would've worked up the courage to join… somehow."

"If that's… really true… then why did you partner up with Vulpix?" Null asked. "There has to be a reason."

"Because I owed him for getting my scarf back," Tessa said, gently nudging the rainbow scarf with her right paw.

Null looked at her skeptically. "No... there's more to it..."

Tessa's aura feelers stiffened. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said.

"If that was… the only reason... you wouldn't have… stayed partnered with him… as long as you did," Null said.

Tessa dug her paws into the sand. "Th… that's… I… don't… um…"

"It's okay… just take your time," Null said.

"I believed him, okay!" Tessa shouted, then stuck her face into the sand. Null leaned forward and gently nudged her back up. Tessa hastily turned her head, refusing to make eye contact. "Despite some of the stuff I said to him, deep down – really deep down – I wanted him to be right. I wanted him to be this special chosen one. Because then I could be special by extension... just like my idols."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm so stupid. I let myself get taken in by the idea of becoming a world-famous hero. I can't believe I was dumb enough to think that I could have stories made about me." She rubbed her eyes with an arm. "I told myself to put up with Vulpix because the reward would be love and admiration. From the guild… from the townsfolk… heck, from the whole world. Everyone knows about Team Poképals, Team Gaia, and the others." She hung her head shamefully. "And I let Vulpix convince me that I could be just as famous as them if I stuck with him."

"It's not your fault," Null said. "That stuff… does sound tempting. Especially if... you're feeling lonely."

Tessa shoved Null's hip. "You're just saying that to make me feel better," she muttered dejectedly. "Vulpix was right. And that's exactly why I can never face him. I am a sad, sorry little Riolu who uses sob stories to get people's attention. I don't deserve anyone's love. All Vulpix and I managed to do was bring out each other's bad sides... until everything exploded." She turned away from Null. "That's why I can't go back. That's why I'm just done with all of this. It feels like I'll only be able to do more harm than good from now on. And besides, I don't matter to anyone. I just…"

She stuck her head back into the sand, letting out a muffled cry of, "I just want to see my dad again."

"You matter to me."

Tessa poked her head up, sand cascading down her face. "Null, you don't have to say that to make me feel better."

"I mean it," he said, scooting toward her. "You're the first person… who's made me feel like... something other than a burden. Everyone else… keeps their distance. But you… you want to talk to me." He pressed his mask against the tip of her snout. "I… I have fun… being with you. When you're around… the pain… it doesn't feel as bad. It feels like… I can handle it…"

"Null," Tessa whispered, her eyes sparkling.

"Please don't leave me," he begged. "We can… help each other… together. Starting with... making sure... you and Vulpix are square." He shuffled backward, his gaze falling toward the ground.

"Okay." Tessa took in a deep breath. "If it's for you… I guess I can try to do that." Her ears twitched at the sound of a relieved sigh. The sand around her shifted as Null lumbered to his feet. "H-Hey, where are you going?" she squeaked.

"… to the ocean," Null rasped. "I'm… sick of all… this muck on me. I'd like… to clean it up…"

"But the ocean's salt water! It'll make you all sticky," Tessa said.

"… better than… being covered in mud," Null said, trudging toward the water. Tessa sat up and watched him wade into the ocean. As he lay down, a wave rushed across his body. The water swept the grime out from his fur and scales. He dipped his mask down, letting water splash across it.

Tessa got to her feet and slowly walked forward. She stood at the edge of shore, wincing as cold ocean spray tickled the soles of her feet. Tessa cautiously inched closer to Null. Each successive wave went a little further up her leg, removing the mud in the process. A sense of relief washed over her, like the waves were carrying her sorrows away with the filth her body had accumulated underground.

Then, suddenly, an unexpectedly large wave struck her. Tessa yipped in fright. She stumbled about and fell into the water, flopping around like a beached Magikarp. Tessa got back to her feet, coughing and sputtering. "Wha-What the–?" She brought her paws up to rub her eyes, only to hiss and blink rapidly. "Ow! Ow! Salt… in my eyes!" she whimpered.

Finally, her blurry vision faded. She noticed Null had shifted so he lay parallel to the shoreline. "Did… did you just splash me?" she said

Null looked right at her. "What? Of course not."

"Don't lie to me. There's no way a wave that big would just come up out of the blue like that," Tessa said. "Okay, maybe a wild Pokémon could do it, but they don't tend to get this close to the shore."

"Hmm. Well… I suppose… I could've done… something like this…"

A rush of wind grazed Tessa's sides before another wave drenched her, knocking her onto her back. Null let out a low, rumbling laugh while Tessa scrambled to her feet. "Hey! You totally soaked me, you… you…"

"… hey… at least you're cleaner now," Null said.

"Oh yeah? Well, let's see how much you like it!" Tessa said. Her right paw glowed bright blue and she slammed her palm into the water. She gave a confident smirk, but it faded when her splash failed to make it to Null. He retaliated by sweeping glowing talons across the surface of the water. Tessa tried to avoid the wave, but the silt on the ocean floor weighed her down. The wave swept her up and pulled her under the surface again.

Null lumbered to his feet, water dripping off his underbelly. Tessa popped back up, trying to shake the water off her fur. "You're not going to get away from me!" she declared, charging after her teammate. Or, rather, she would've, if the silt didn't trip her up and make her stumble. She fall forward, disappearing under the surface with a tiny splash. Null's laugh rumbled through the air

"… you okay, Riolu?" he asked, when he noticed she hadn't resurfaced. He was then taken completely by surprise, as Tessa lunged out of the water from beside him.

"Now I've got you!" she hollered, throwing all of her weight into an attempt to tackle Null. To Tessa's shock, she struck his side, unceremoniously bounced off of it, and fall back into the ocean. Null blinked and shook his head.

"… yeah… that's not… going to work," he said. Seconds later, he felt something yank one of his forelegs forward. Null hopped around, before slowly collapsing into the water like a falling tree. Tessa resurfaced, spitting out a mouthful of saltwater.

"Ha! See? I told you I had you," Tessa boasted, watching Null get back up and shake out his body and tail. The two stared at each other in silence, before breaking down laughing. They went back ashore, and resumed laying under the sun. When Tessa felt completely dry, she stood up and arced her back.

"So, it's getting kind of late," she said. "We should probably get going."

Null looked up toward the sky. "I think… we should go to the Observatory…"

Tessa's smile vanished. "I'd rather not go back there. At least… not right now."

"… I know. It's just… there's something there… that I want you to see," Null said. "We don't have to… stay long."

Tessa sighed. "Okay." She nestled up against Null's side. "But don't leave me alone, understand?"

"… I wouldn't think of it."

XxX​

Funnily enough, this chapter drew the first shipping-related comment I'd seen on FFN. I did not realize how strong the shipping game was over there. XP

 

[namohysip]

The following is a review of Episode 2 (Imported from elsewhere)

Alright. Time for episode 2! Based on the table of contents, this consists of two chapters and a… bonus? I’m not sure if that’s a standalone or not, but I’ll cover that when I run through. I have a better time reviewing if I open with off-the-cuff quotes and then follow up with an "overall impression" review. So that'll probably be my style going forward.

"Oh, that's Crabrawler's Café. It's the main spot for Pokémon to gather and hang out,"

So, I’m guessing the specialty is good old tropical punch?

__

I thought it was a little interesting that this chapter started with what’s effectively a cold open. I’m not exactly sure why, though. The above segment that had no real chapter associated with it was transitional, but it still… fit? Oh well. It’s a minor thing anyway.

"Honestly, how can anyone back in the human world like Vulpix more than Growlithe? It's not even a contest."

Growlithe tilted his head. "I beg your pardon?"

Tessa stepped forward and cupped a paw over Shane's mouth. "Err, don't listen to him. He's, uh, new around these parts."

This is a classic exchange, isn’t it? Shane is still being dense as always, but so far it doesn’t seem to be very consequential. I’m waiting for it to actually bite him on the butt, though. At some point it’s gotta, since you had already told me in advance that he’s gonna be dense for a while.


I’m also noticing that the Braviary has a particular accent. I don’t really know what I expected.

"If you're in a group of Pokémon of the same species you just make eye contact with the one you want to talk to," Tessa said. "Did your 'brilliant human mind' not think that one up?"

Okay yeah but what about if you need to address a group or a list of people when they aren’t present or something? Ah—it looks like Shane more or less covers it, though that still makes it pretty awkward to list people as a group. “Thin Lucario, Lucario with tufts, one-fang Lucario…” Goodness, that sounds even more complicated than just doing names!

__

Metagross. That’s an interesting Guildmaster. His dialogue, uh, format is a little weird, but I understand why. I’ll let gimmicks like these slide since they’re so popular to do anyway, and it doesn’t really detract from anything. I call it shorthand.

Warning: continued dwelling on your family will impair your path to success in this guild.

Ho boy. Pulls no punches, huh? Despite being so quirky I feel like this Metagross has the most sane personality of the major players so far.

And second, everyone knows Mystery Dungeons out here don't work like them kooky ones they got overseas."

Huh. You know, the sad part is, I’ve no idea how the normal Mystery dungeon overseas would work, either. Pretty much every fic implements them a little differently! So now I’ve got two versions of Dungeons to worry about. Oh well. At least we’ll find out how the first ones work soon, or whatever odd properties they’ve got.

"The Land Spirits decide when to change them. When I was a pup, my parents told me they can terraform the whole continent using their signature move: Nature's Madness."

Ahh, there’s some world building to explain it! So they aren’t quite Mystery Dungeons at all—just huge areas. It’s a lot calmer, but that makes me curious about Shane’s own questions about what they actually did, if that was the case. But you know, that’s a good thing, since even though Shane is dense, he’s also acting as a sort of surrogate for someone familiar with the old games to question the new mechanics.

"Vulpix! Yungoos are very sensitive about their hair,"

What an odd detail to bring up, but it’s funny anyway.

__

And then onto chapter 4, we have…

Yungoos immediately raised up his forepaws. "I yield! I yield! Enough… enough… youse two passed da test."

Tessa's stance slouched. "Wait… this was a test?"

A cocky grin flashed across Shane's muzzle. "Ha haaaaa! See, what did I tell you, Riolu?" He confidently swaggered up to Tessa. "Nothing. To. Worry. About," he declared, jabbing her back with his forepaw for each and every word.

Tessa's expression fell. "I… I don't understand. Weren't we supposed to fetch a looplet for the guild?"

So, overall this story has been a little slower in pace in terms of how much actually “happens” as far as the story is concerned, and how many words are coming across. However, in this one instance? I’m kinda surprised at how quickly this reversal happened. I’d’ve expected at least a sentence or two of Tessa and Shane being suspicious, or something along those lines, until the two Guild members flash their badges. Prior to that? I don’t know, it seemed too quick for them to trust them, especially when they were running off the adrenaline of a fight, and then suddenly stopping.

__

Moving on, I don’t have any specific quote to grab from, but I like the general dynamic going on between the Guild staff. They’re familiar with one another, and I can see that, and in general, Shane and Tessa are just getting worked into the fold, in a way.

__

…Did you just call Bruxish a triggerfish? It’s actually based on the Hawaiian state fish, called the—oh. Wait. Upon some quick research, it’s… also known as a triggerfish. Hm. Carry on.

'No! It's not true. Tessa's wrong. I'm not here by accident. Null's situation is just… a coincidence. That's all.

FINALLY! SOME DOUBT! Goodness, that took way too long, but at least we’re starting to see some cracks in the confidence so Shane gets himself some proper depth.

____


I’m seeing in your author’s notes/comments that you’d make the next few battles longer, but honestly, I don’t think that’s necessary just for the sake of making them longer. I suppose that’s just a matter of taste and style, though.

However, that was everything for episode 2! And overall, I feel like the pace was a little slower in terms of, in retrospect, what actually happened in the story. Shane and Tessa joined the guild and met some of the members; they met Null in particular who, just from general meta knowledge and what I’ve seen around the forums, is important. And then some bits of mystery and world building. All important, yet I feel like it went by slowly for everything that happened in between, particularly the battle with Trapinch and Yungoos. Before I realized they were just Guild members testing Tessa and Shane, I thought it was going to be a second outlaw fight, which I felt was a bit too much filler. Even after it was revealed that it was a test, the bulk of the battle was just that—another battle.


But! I’m particularly interested in these sides that are coming in. I can’t really get a feel (aside from Null) on who will be important, who will be extras, and who will just be supports or otherwise. They’re all being introduced so quickly that I can understand why you don’t put names to most of them. Looking forward to finding out more about them!

Seems there’s a bonus chapter after this one. If I have anything substantial to say, I’ll make it its own thing. Onward!

 

[kintsugi]

Reading over your comments, and wow, this story came together a lot more cleanly than I'd expect from something that was initially pure parody. Excellent work.

---

those notes on tension i typed up earlier, with a dash of using this chapter for reference

So you do a really good job of writing calm moments becuase you're so thorough in your description -- you do a really good job of getting a tight focus on the scene. This helps us walk through the events in a pretty calm and methodical way -- each paragraph tells an interconnected sequence of events; it makes the whole thing feel very chronological and straightforward:

"Oh yeah? Well, let's see how much you like it!" Tessa said. Her right paw glowed bright blue and she slammed her palm into the water. She gave a confident smirk, but it faded when her splash failed to make it to Null. He retaliated by sweeping glowing talons across the surface of the water. Tessa tried to avoid the wave, but the silt on the ocean floor weighed her down. The wave swept her up and pulled her under the surface again.

Null lumbered to his feet, water dripping off his underbelly. Tessa popped back up, trying to shake the water off her fur. "You're not going to get away from me!" she declared, charging after her teammate. Or, rather, she would've, if the silt didn't trip her up and make her stumble. She fall forward, disappearing under the surface with a tiny splash. Null's laugh rumbled through the air

(side note: you dropped the period from the last paragraph)

See how this reads like a list: first Tessa says a thing, and then her paw glows blue, and then she slams it into the water, and so forth. You leave no stone unturned -- she gets weighed down becasue the silt on the ocean floor is heavy; there are still waves in the environment around her. This is soothing to read and in general a very comprehensive description that fits with the melancholy but relaxed tone that I think you were going for here.

Action scenes don't quite have that luxury. There's a sort of trick to emulating a ton of things happening at once, and part of the trick is actually not describing the exact sequence of events.

"I'll freeze him. You hit him with an Air Slash," Shane directed. He stepped forward and smothered Parasect's attack in blistering air. Null skirted to the side. But before he could attack, a small seed whizzed past his face. Parasect only had time to glance in Null's direction. The seed struck him right between the eyes. It bathed him in a red light and turned him as rigid as a statue.

Note how, structurally, this is pretty similar to the above quote, but the stakes here are a lot different. It still reads very calmly; it's a bunch of simple sentences describing events in a very methodical way that gives the impression of sequential action. Fights usually have a bunch of things happening at once -- to describe something this linearly for so long feels unrealistic, as if the narrator/reader is only watching things unfold rather than participating in the thick of the action.

I think the other trick is figuring out which details are important.

The ground slipped out from underneath the lower half of Shane's body. Shane started sliding into the water. He desperately tried to dig his forepaws into the wetlands to pull himself back up. But he failed to get a proper grip. In a matter of seconds, the remainder of his body slid into the water with a small splash.

His entire world went dark. Shane jammed his eyes shut and puffed out his cheeks, struggling to hold his breath. Slimy reeds suddenly brushed up against his backside. Shane couldn't help but gasp in surprise. Swamp water rushed into his mouth. Shane started to thrash about, utterly uncertain how to use his four limbs to propel himself up. This proved a poor decision. His struggling only succeeded in getting reeds ensnared between his tails.

Shane forced himself to swallow the swamp water and tucked his head into his chest. He felt himself sinking deeper into the swamp. 'I've only got one shot at this!' he thought. Shane tried to push the sensation of the slimy water and reeds out of his mind. He concentrated as hard as he could and then released a burst of psychic energy directly below him. The lack of traction underwater resulted in the attack rocketing Shane upwards.

Imagine drowning, or being in a fight. There's a lot less room for rigid reflection here, for figuring out that "this proved a poor decision" or discerning if the splash is "small". The details that should happen here are the absolute key outlines of what's going on; otherwise, the scene feels a lot more stretched and loses the tension might be inherent from the main character avoiding drowning. We learn that the reeds/water are slimy twice, for example, while we really only get one indication that Shane is drowning.

And picking what to keep/cut is hard, because the flip side is not having enough information and making your battles incomprehensible, so this is a tough thing to juggle.

---

it's a chapter where, yet again, Null is best boye.

"Gods, it's the 'Lycanroc is evil' routine all over again. I can't believe you're willing to lie like that just because you can't make things work with your partner."

I. Hmmm. I thought that the canon takeaway from the Lycanroc bit was actually that Lycanroc did have a bad disposition, and that even though Shane did bait him, Lycanroc did try to betray it + was outed. Which is a shame because Serperior actually has a ton of equally valid experiences to pull from with Shane being a dick to Tessa haha.

Mimikyu cried. But he was drowned out by Yungoos' and Togedemaru's shouts of encouragement.

I... laughed way harder at this than I should've. Shame that you've gotten so good at mixing comedy and drama that it makes me a bad person.

"So, are you guys really going to stand here and tell me you'll let Riolu stay depressed simply because you're determined to hold grudges against Vulpix? That… um… doesn't really seem in line with your guys' philosophy."

RIGHT SO. This was my big question this whole chapter. They really do care about her, they've mentioned that she's been really sad for a while, and honestly it does make sense that Shane would say something utterly insensitive and just tip her over the edge. A manipulative shit saying that their friend is starving themselves to death for attention is one thing, and I get not trusting the manipulative shit, but surely that would ring some alarm bells? Why are they so quick to assume it's just Shane being stupid? Wouldn't one of them at least go check on Tessa and make sure that she's okay?

"Wanting to make up for how you treated Tessa is great. But, saying this is about how you treat her is self-centered. And frankly, you've come across as rather selfish since I've met you."

I appreciate this line a lot and apologize for saying that Shane wasn't getting called out enough early in the story.

To Tessa's shock, she struck his side, unceremoniously bounced off of it, and fall back into the ocean.

a) lmao, b) should be "fell"

"Hmm. Well… I suppose… I could've done… something like this…"

OH MAN IT'S THE TWO DEPRESSED CHARACTERS ON A BEACH TALKING ABOUT LOSS FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE UNTIL SOMEONE FEELS BETTER, ISN'T IT.

Anyway. I quite like this chapter. As a breather from all of the world-ending shit we've been subjected to pretty much since the Bewear chapter (and, if we're counting emotional spikes, it's been crazy since well before that), this chapter is a bit more light-hearted. And I appreciate that -- some good advice that I've gotten is that it's fun and games to put your characters through hell, but the real moments are when they actually have a chance to breathe and interact with one another. Amazing stuff! <3[/quote]

 

[Ambyssin]

I thought it was a little interesting that this chapter started with what’s effectively a cold open. I’m not exactly sure why, though. The above segment that had no real chapter associated with it was transitional, but it still… fit? Oh well. It’s a minor thing anyway.

Every episode actually starts with a cold opening. It's just that Episode 1 had the prologue to fill the job. I realize it's very anime-esque of me and was probably a terrible idea but I had too much fun with them. XP

This is a classic exchange, isn’t it? Shane is still being dense as always, but so far it doesn’t seem to be very consequential. I’m waiting for it to actually bite him on the butt, though. At some point it’s gotta, since you had already told me in advance that he’s gonna be dense for a while.

There's gonna be a lot of bickering between them... neither are approaching things with a healthy, mature frame of mind.

I’m also noticing that the Braviary has a particular accent. I don’t really know what I expected.

'MURICA BIRB IS BEST BIRB. :V

Okay yeah but what about if you need to address a group or a list of people when they aren’t present or something? Ah—it looks like Shane more or less covers it, though that still makes it pretty awkward to list people as a group. “Thin Lucario, Lucario with tufts, one-fang Lucario…” Goodness, that sounds even more complicated than just doing names!

The idea is that it's totally supposed to be backwards and counterproductive. I'm working with a world of Pokémon... I don't have to make them entirely as sophisticated as humans. There'll be other backwards customs coming into play a lot later.

Metagross. That’s an interesting Guildmaster. His dialogue, uh, format is a little weird, but I understand why. I’ll let gimmicks like these slide since they’re so popular to do anyway, and it doesn’t really detract from anything. I call it shorthand.

Yeah... I freely admit doing these quirk things was too "gamey" of an idea for an actual story... but I can't exactly go back and change them now.

Ho boy. Pulls no punches, huh? Despite being so quirky I feel like this Metagross has the most sane personality of the major players so far.

It's not so much that he's quirky, necessarily, more that he has a gimmick and uses it to get straight to the point.

Huh. You know, the sad part is, I’ve no idea how the normal Mystery dungeon overseas would work, either. Pretty much every fic implements them a little differently! So now I’ve got two versions of Dungeons to worry about. Oh well. At least we’ll find out how the first ones work soon, or whatever odd properties they’ve got.

Well, the good news we'll almost exclusively be in Horizon dungeons, but the phrase "ley lines" have already been tossed around, so I'm drawing from, of all games, Gates to Infinity in explaining dungeons.

Ahh, there’s some world building to explain it! So they aren’t quite Mystery Dungeons at all—just huge areas. It’s a lot calmer, but that makes me curious about Shane’s own questions about what they actually did, if that was the case. But you know, that’s a good thing, since even though Shane is dense, he’s also acting as a sort of surrogate for someone familiar with the old games to question the new mechanics.

I will admit that the way his character was written gave convenient excuses to do stuff like this.

So, overall this story has been a little slower in pace in terms of how much actually “happens” as far as the story is concerned, and how many words are coming across. However, in this one instance? I’m kinda surprised at how quickly this reversal happened. I’d’ve expected at least a sentence or two of Tessa and Shane being suspicious, or something along those lines, until the two Guild members flash their badges. Prior to that? I don’t know, it seemed too quick for them to trust them, especially when they were running off the adrenaline of a fight, and then suddenly stopping.

Aha ha... I hadn't exactly considered that. But, Shane letting his guard down at this point is definitely something he'd do. Huge rookie mistake and all that jazz.

Moving on, I don’t have any specific quote to grab from, but I like the general dynamic going on between the Guild staff. They’re familiar with one another, and I can see that, and in general, Shane and Tessa are just getting worked into the fold, in a way.

Glad it worked out, though I will concede that whole scene might've been a really bad idea and I should've looked for ways to organically introduce these characters at more appropriate times. I... didn't really know what I was doing as far as pacing goes early on. ;~;

…Did you just call Bruxish a triggerfish? It’s actually based on the Hawaiian state fish, called the—oh. Wait. Upon some quick research, it’s… also known as a triggerfish. Hm. Carry on.

I did my research beforehand! :V

FINALLY! SOME DOUBT! Goodness, that took way too long, but at least we’re starting to see some cracks in the confidence so Shane gets himself some proper depth.

Unfortunately the thing about a condition's like Shane is that, in the face of these types of revelations, there's a tendency to fall back and double down on what you're already familiar with. Probably not a great idea for a fic, but I'd rather be true in this circumstance.

I’m seeing in your author’s notes/comments that you’d make the next few battles longer, but honestly, I don’t think that’s necessary just for the sake of making them longer. I suppose that’s just a matter of taste and style, though.

Err, yeah... I, uh, I think that really just comes down to the fact that battles much later on will have more participants and more stuff happening in general. That's all.

And overall, I feel like the pace was a little slower in terms of, in retrospect, what actually happened in the story. Shane and Tessa joined the guild and met some of the members; they met Null in particular who, just from general meta knowledge and what I’ve seen around the forums, is important.

As said before, I really didn't know what I was doing as far as pacing in the early parts of the story and I'm pretty sure it shows. <.<;

But! I’m particularly interested in these sides that are coming in. I can’t really get a feel (aside from Null) on who will be important, who will be extras, and who will just be supports or otherwise. They’re all being introduced so quickly that I can understand why you don’t put names to most of them. Looking forward to finding out more about them!

Well, that, and this is a world where people (generally) don't give themselves names. So any names you do see are significant.

Seems there’s a bonus chapter after this one. If I have anything substantial to say, I’ll make it its own thing. Onward!

Oh, that, it's just a small omake. Feel free to skip it... it's only on Serebii anyway since it was time-sensitive. Thanks again for reviewing! ^^

Reading over your comments, and wow, this story came together a lot more cleanly than I'd expect from something that was initially pure parody. Excellent work.

Oh, uh, thanks. o_o;

So you do a really good job of writing calm moments becuase you're so thorough in your description -- you do a really good job of getting a tight focus on the scene. This helps us walk through the events in a pretty calm and methodical way -- each paragraph tells an interconnected sequence of events; it makes the whole thing feel very chronological and straightforward:

Yes... the might have something to do with the fact that calm moments allow for more dialogue, which I greatly prefer writing to pure prose. So, uh, it might've showed.

Action scenes don't quite have that luxury. There's a sort of trick to emulating a ton of things happening at once, and part of the trick is actually not describing the exact sequence of events.

*sigh* I had a bad feeling about this. Originally I had gotten feedback saying I wasn't describing enough... and then there was the feedback I got here saying I should strike to describe the moves and avoid naming them unless it's absolutely necessary.

Note how, structurally, this is pretty similar to the above quote, but the stakes here are a lot different. It still reads very calmly; it's a bunch of simple sentences describing events in a very methodical way that gives the impression of sequential action. Fights usually have a bunch of things happening at once -- to describe something this linearly for so long feels unrealistic, as if the narrator/reader is only watching things unfold rather than participating in the thick of the action.

I think the biggest issue is really in the way I handled structuring the piece. There isn't really, truly, an POV character. The narration clearly jumps around however I think is necessary and the narrator is never inside a character's head because their thoughts are generally voiced like dialogue if they're important. And coupled with that is that I, as the writer, hate the narrator telling me things a character's thinking through exposition, which I feel like is what would happen if I tried to make adjustments. I'm sure I might be able to do that better if I actually had a pure POV character I was focused on, but I don't.

Imagine drowning, or being in a fight. There's a lot less room for rigid reflection here, for figuring out that "this proved a poor decision" or discerning if the splash is "small". The details that should happen here are the absolute key outlines of what's going on; otherwise, the scene feels a lot more stretched and loses the tension might be inherent from the main character avoiding drowning. We learn that the reeds/water are slimy twice, for example, while we really only get one indication that Shane is drowning.

So, my bet is that part of the problem stems from taking too much of a "game-like" design to making these action sequences, if that makes any sense. And that includes having far more participants than your "prototypical pokémon fight" which has either two or four competitors. I didn't think what I was doing was that different from the other PMD fics I looked at and, after the first few battles, I had gotten positive feedback on later fights and their choreography. But maybe I was getting the wrong impression the whole time and I just suck at writing action stories? Which, uh, probably means this whole endeavor was a bad idea. At least it gives me a good idea of what I should consider doing if I can finish this thing.

And picking what to keep/cut is hard, because the flip side is not having enough information and making your battles incomprehensible, so this is a tough thing to juggle.

Especially because, later on, there are a lot of participants... and without following a POV character I kind of have to jump around and show whatever's happening. ;~;

it's a chapter where, yet again, Null is best boye.

<3

I. Hmmm. I thought that the canon takeaway from the Lycanroc bit was actually that Lycanroc did have a bad disposition, and that even though Shane did bait him, Lycanroc did try to betray it + was outed. Which is a shame because Serperior actually has a ton of equally valid experiences to pull from with Shane being a dick to Tessa haha.

No, the idea was that Lycanroc had noble intentions, but due to the fact that he holds irrational grudges, he kicked those intentions aside after Shane insulted him one too many times.

I... laughed way harder at this than I should've. Shame that you've gotten so good at mixing comedy and drama that it makes me a bad person.

At least I did something right!

RIGHT SO. This was my big question this whole chapter. They really do care about her, they've mentioned that she's been really sad for a while, and honestly it does make sense that Shane would say something utterly insensitive and just tip her over the edge. A manipulative shit saying that their friend is starving themselves to death for attention is one thing, and I get not trusting the manipulative shit, but surely that would ring some alarm bells? Why are they so quick to assume it's just Shane being stupid? Wouldn't one of them at least go check on Tessa and make sure that she's okay?

In Serperior's case, she's always had some massive blinders on, but the intention was to show that maybe not everything and everyone in the guild are necessarily as good as you'd think.

I appreciate this line a lot and apologize for saying that Shane wasn't getting called out enough early in the story.

Well at least it happened! :V

a) lmao, b) should be "fell"

Drat. >.<

OH MAN IT'S THE TWO DEPRESSED CHARACTERS ON A BEACH TALKING ABOUT LOSS FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE UNTIL SOMEONE FEELS BETTER, ISN'T IT.

I don't care if it's overdone, because I had fun with it.

Anyway. I quite like this chapter. As a breather from all of the world-ending shit we've been subjected to pretty much since the Bewear chapter (and, if we're counting emotional spikes, it's been crazy since well before that), this chapter is a bit more light-hearted. And I appreciate that -- some good advice that I've gotten is that it's fun and games to put your characters through hell, but the real moments are when they actually have a chance to breathe and interact with one another. Amazing stuff! <3

And don't worry, there will be plenty of breather moments in the coming episodes... just also crazy stuff, too. I think... I hope... I get the feeling it might not reach your standards. ;~;

 

[Flaze]

Damn, I wanted the party to happen in this chapter. You really like to make people wait a lot don't you?

So what I liked the most is probbaly the fact tha tyou took some time to flesh out the supporting members of the guild, not much, but enough for us to at least have a bit more context for them than we did before. In particular I was surprised to see Togedemaru get some attention since I feel like she's even more of a background character than the others.

Also, I always forget to point this out but I love Growlithe. He's a good pyromaniac boy. That and I wonder how he hasn't set fire to the whole town.

The meatier part of the chapter for me were in two scenes, the start and the end. The way Shane gets the guild to agree with his plan isn't...ideal, and they do raise a good point that Shane's motives are still relatively selfish, but I'm hoping that he manages to at least clear his name around them even a little bit. As much as I like Shane getting called out, I think it's about time he manages to get a win that actually sticks or otherwise this fic would just get overly depressing. It's a bit intriguing that Braviary was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt so quickly compared to the others, it speaks to his and Metagross' ability to carry out the guild's motto by how easily the jump in to help others.

However, I think Sylveon summarized it best by asking Shane to stop looking at helping Tessa as something he has to do to make up for his mistakes but as something he wants to do to help his friend out. In general Sylveon gives Shane a big hint here and I hope he takes it a bit once he's able to breathe properly again.

The other important scene what Null's and Tessa's and the beach. Here the two finally open up to one another and it's really nice to see them open up and allow the other to see their insecurities. Also, I don't know how you can expect people not to ship them with how easy you're making it by having them play around in the water. Just saying.

One thing that I do have to criticize is that the pacing felt a little off. In a way it was like the chapter was going really fast and slow at the same time. I feel like Tessa's and Null's scene also could've had a bit more emotion put into it. Honestly, it probably has to do with your description as your prose style relies a lot on quick sentences that convey what's going on. This works most of the time, but in quieter and more emotional scenes it can cause the story to pass really quickly and makes the scene lose weight. For example, you could focus a bit more on their emotions and what they're feeling as well as what's going through their minds. I think this would help a lot more with the last part in the water which felt a little uncontrolled towards the end.

Aside from that, there's not really much to comment on, outside of the Null and Tessa scene the chapter was mostly build up, so I'm looking forward for how this arc will conclude.

 

[Ambyssin]

Damn, I wanted the party to happen in this chapter. You really like to make people wait a lot don't you?

I'm sorry! I couldn't have squeezed this all into one chapter without this arc's resolution feeling completely rushed. ;~;

So what I liked the most is probbaly the fact tha tyou took some time to flesh out the supporting members of the guild, not much, but enough for us to at least have a bit more context for them than we did before. In particular I was surprised to see Togedemaru get some attention since I feel like she's even more of a background character than the others.

Yeah, I don't know why I didn't really do it sooner, but this felt like a good time to give them some expansion. The Togedemaru stuff was actually newly-added in the revisions I made for Bulba, because I realized she had gotten left by the wayside in the old version.

Also, I always forget to point this out but I love Growlithe. He's a good pyromaniac boy. That and I wonder how he hasn't set fire to the whole town.

I had to do it. When you combine fire and the specie's stereotypical puppy demeanor, this is the result.

The way Shane gets the guild to agree with his plan isn't...ideal, and they do raise a good point that Shane's motives are still relatively selfish, but I'm hoping that he manages to at least clear his name around them even a little bit. As much as I like Shane getting called out, I think it's about time he manages to get a win that actually sticks or otherwise this fic would just get overly depressing.

That's fair. I made the first scene go the way it did to reinforce the idea that Shane pretty much burned every bridge he had in Episode 6. As far as a win that sticks... well, maybe you'll get your wish this weekend.

It's a bit intriguing that Braviary was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt so quickly compared to the others, it speaks to his and Metagross' ability to carry out the guild's motto by how easily the jump in to help others.

That's one interpretation, yes. The other is that he was simply trying to keep decorum. It wouldn't look good for his staff to attack a Vulpix, after all.

However, I think Sylveon summarized it best by asking Shane to stop looking at helping Tessa as something he has to do to make up for his mistakes but as something he wants to do to help his friend out. In general Sylveon gives Shane a big hint here and I hope he takes it a bit once he's able to breathe properly again.

Well, perhaps her words, along with those from another character in the next chapter, will help to set him straight.

The other important scene what Null's and Tessa's and the beach. Here the two finally open up to one another and it's really nice to see them open up and allow the other to see their insecurities. Also, I don't know how you can expect people not to ship them with how easy you're making it by having them play around in the water. Just saying.

I see your point. I was mostly just having fun with the fluffy stuff. ^^;

One thing that I do have to criticize is that the pacing felt a little off. In a way it was like the chapter was going really fast and slow at the same time. I feel like Tessa's and Null's scene also could've had a bit more emotion put into it. Honestly, it probably has to do with your description as your prose style relies a lot on quick sentences that convey what's going on. This works most of the time, but in quieter and more emotional scenes it can cause the story to pass really quickly and makes the scene lose weight. For example, you could focus a bit more on their emotions and what they're feeling as well as what's going through their minds. I think this would help a lot more with the last part in the water which felt a little uncontrolled towards the end.

I see what you're getting at, I think. Part of the problem is with the writing style I'm using. Since I don't really stick to a POV, my fear is that showing thoughts would lead to random bits of exposition that bloat the chapter, especially since thoughts are presented a lot like dialogue. As far as feelings, I was told in feedback that I had a tendency to portray feelings like they were stage directions and that I'd be better served having characters show emotion through body language. Hence why the scene (and other quiet scenes) are the way they are. <.<;

Aside from that, there's not really much to comment on, outside of the Null and Tessa scene the chapter was mostly build up, so I'm looking forward for how this arc will conclude.

Hopefully you enjoy the conclusion, as this weekend will be the last part of the episode. Thanks again for reviewing! ^^

 

[namohysip]

Episode 3! Let’s go. From what I can recall last time, they just got into the Guild, met Null and various others, and that’s the gist of it.

A broad smile crept onto Shane's muzzle. "Go ooooooon…"

Not gonna lie, all things considered with how Shane is, this is the most appropriate response to being told he was summoned by a disembodied voice to the world of Pokémon. +1 likeability point to Shane.

__

So, overall, I thought that brief interlude in the E3 cold open was a good one. Dialogue heavy, yes, but that’s sort of the point, isn’t it? And while on the nose, I finally have a firm idea of what Shane is here for, at least in the general sense. There’s still the nebulous question of how he’s supposed to do that… but I suppose I can rely on Shane to figure that out. Oh, wait. I shouldn’t do that. Tessa. Yeah, I’ll rely on Tessa to figure that out.

Tessa's muzzle went agape. 'Wait. He actually thought this through? Could it be Vulpix is actually listening to me?'

I know you mentioned that you were concerned that Shane wouldn’t really show any sort of development, but it seems like, in some way or another, he’s at least showing a little bit of growth, y’know? So that’s good. I’m actually satisfied with the gradual progression. Too bad he’s still an idiot, based on what follows immediately afterward….


Chapter 5 was a bit of a nothingburger, unfortunately. Except for the nuggets of development between Shane and Tessa, I didn’t spot anything particularly important except for the beginning and ending scenes. Everything in between was basically another rando mission, accompanied by a joke-rival encounter.

…I will admit, though, it was quite entertaining anyway.

"You could say that. My team's having some… growing pains,"

Roll credits.

Lunatone called, waving the string of pearls at them.

Wait but how


This is sort of a total potshot, but why do I feel like this whole scene with Solrock and Lunatone is just one big foreshadow? I can't think of any other real reason why this would be included, because it seems so inconsequential compared to all the other randos we've encountered so far.

___

And that’s the end of the episode! To be honest, I’m not sure if this one was shorter or what, but I definitely went through it faster than past episodes. But at the same time, it feels like even less happened in the last chapter than before. Another random outlaw mission, Shane learning a bit of lore… I’m glad you mentioned in the notes that things will be “expanding” soon!

Looking forward to it.