Spiteful Murkrow
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Heya, saw that HoC was up for offsite Review Tag on Thousand Roads, so Imma just take the opportunity to just slide right in and belt out a speedy review. Since hey, it's not as if I'd run out of material if I came back to this story during that site's Review Blitz:
Chapter 6
Owen you have bruises on your body. You can admit that that all happened already.
Owen: "I-I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this! I was... uh... sleepwalking! Y-Yes, that must've been it!"
I like how Owen from his tone of voice doesn't really believe this himself. I kinda wonder if this particular moment would've benefitted from Owen wrestling a bit in his mind in the narration before answering Gahi though since something about his line feels like it was meant to come after a pause, but the back to back dialogue gives off a very "prompt" vibe.
Owen: "Does Rhys normally do this, or...?" .-.
Gahi: "Would you have expected me to point this out if it was normal?"
I kinda wonder if this would've been better served by getting into Owen's head and showing the almonds activating internally over "... Wait a minute, that wasn't a dream!" before he pipes up.
Dunno, maybe I'm overthinking things a bit there, but this is another one of those moments where things weirdly read faster than I think they're intended to.
Yeah, another benefit of slowing down and dropping in "gears turning in Owen's head" moments is that you can establish what the state of Team Alloy's members are when Owen wakes up in description, since at first, I thought it was just him and Gahi awake, but the text doesn't explicitly say one way or another.
Can't really get a feel for how Demitri is meant to react right here to Owen's statement and if he's supposed to be "wait, huh?", something more alarmed, or something else. Also, if Demitri is underreacting relative to Owen's expectations, it's a handy way to lean into that "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I know what I saw, okay?!" thing he had going on towards the beginning of this scene.
And here would be a decent spot for a brief "beat" moment. Since this is technically two separate incidents of "wait, did that actually happen?" for Owen and the "oh right" moment would likely fluster him a bit, enough so that it might make sense to explicitly depict that and whatever's going on in his head as a third-person limited perspective story.
Owen: "... It was a late evolver like us? Look, the point is that there really was an Espurr trying to steal that freaky orb, okay?!"
... Wait, is the 'He' supposed to be Rhys or the Espurr? Since I'm tripping up a bit as to who the pronoun is meant to refer to.
I mean, even if it's not from Anam, I suspect that it's a standardized TH letterhead fit to specs Anam designed. Since... yeah, heart-shaped parchment is a really specific design for a letterhead that feels very "Anam" to settle on.
Wait, is Owen supposed to know what a 'prototype Badge' looks like? Since I actually don't recall if the story ever mentioned what those were or what they did.
Though 'Book of Mew', huh? Guessing that's a religious text in this setting since Mew does have that whole "progenitor of Pokémon" lore from Gen 1 to it.
Those two get into pissing matches in this setting, don't they? Since if they're being mentioned in distinct breaths where Pokémon are expected to hold one or the other as patrons specifically...
Owen: "... Wait a minute? Aren't Mew normally wildcards in stories like ours? For a guy who was all gung ho on discipline and meditation like Rhys seemed to be, that... makes me wonder if I should be worried right now."
Considering how Rhys was dead set on keeping you from even being in the same room as this thing normally, I'm pretty sure that you should be a lot more uneasy at the moment, Owen.
Wow, and here I thought Flame from Rebirth was credulous as a Char. Owen's definitely going out of his way to set a new benchmark, even if I suspect that some of this is conscious resistance to accepting that the crazy-sounding things going on are really happening.
I mean, I'm pretty sure I know who he's going to listen to, and I'm pretty sure it's not Rhys.
Mispy's part-Steel or something like that, isn't she? Though I'd recommend hacking this paragraph up into two, since Owen's recollection of what he was told in his """dream""" feels pretty distinct from the rest.
Now I'm morbidly curious as to what would happen if Demitri managed to get himself stuck in a tree. Since I know that that looks like with a male Axew of my own, and somehow I get the vibe from Demitri that while he'd probably be a bit more dignified, it wouldn't be that different.
Mispy:
I actually did a double-take at this since I wasn't sure what was going on, though I'm guessing Team Alloy is on the "check out the Orb" train there. I kinda wonder if it could've been beaten over the reader's heads harder since I didn't realize that they also saw the orb and wanted to see it themselves since they never explicitly say anything to the effect to express interest in it and the one thing that does that at the moment is a single sentence saying that they looked for a way up.
Oh hey, they're making an Adventure Squad-style tower. :V
I didn't get the vibe that Owen was moving at all, it might've made sense to either drop in an additional paragraph mentioning Mispy is moving him around, or add it as an extension to the last paragraph of the prior block.
Though would recommend hacking Owen's dialogue off from the rest of the paragraph here.
Another bit where showing some description of this moment / the stuff in Owen's head probably would've been a nice addition. Especially since this is basically a "whelp, no turning back now" moment for him that he seems to be getting cold feet over from his dialogue.
Gahi: "How's that not the definition of stereotyping?!" >.<
Demitri: "Look, it's not our fault that your dialogue reads like Huck Finn sometimes, and he wasn't exactly Mr. Straight and Narrow in his book."
Owen: "... Are we supposed to know about that book? Though uh... right, I was supposed to touch the orb, huh?" ^^;
Oh yeah, somebody sounds totally convinced right about now.
Rhys is going to walk in on them in 5 seconds, isn't he?
Feels like something is kinda missing before the "Almost... got it...!" moment, but maybe that's just my bias for scenes that are visualization-friendly speaking. Since it feels like it'd be a relatively easy way to build up some suspense about what's going to happen.
Though speaking of which, let's go ahead and see how much of a disaster this is going to be, huh?
Ohai, Jerry. How'sCommunity Service life as a Broken Heart treating you?
at Rhys with his bag in a bit more detail or something like that.
Oh, so Rim is that Espurr from the end of last chapter, huh?
I KNEW IT
Yeah, funny story about that, Rhys. Though this might've benefitted from dropping in a moment of "Nevren, sod off" body language from Rhys here. Especially if this scene is meant to be written from his perspective.
Wait, Elder is a name of a person and not a title in this story? Though looks like Rhys was correct in his anticipation, just slightly delayed.
... That's a good question, honestly. And what on earth is in your bag right now such that you think that the Orb on your shelf at home is in it?
Oh, so those ghost things were mutants after all. Probably. Maybe. Assuming that Rhys isn't talking about where Nevren almost murdered Owen out of existence.
This also seems like a spot where some more description would've probably been warranted, especially if you're trying to give any hints or red herrings about Rhys and Nevren to your readers.
Though I just realized that for a scene written from Rhys' PoV, we're not seeing an awful lot of what's going on in his head. Is that a deliberate choice by virtue of Rhys' inner workings being a spoiler minefield? Or is that an artifact of early installment weirdness?
Not least of all, since I'm pretty sure that doesn't end well for the Pokémon that do from what I vaguely remember of Anam's portrayal in the GL crossover.
... Wait, didn't Rhys see Jerry working outside earlier? Or was the earlier description meant to indicate that Rhys had been at Heart HQ earlier in the day, left, and now he's back?
... Wait, so how many decisions does Anam get to make in and around Kilo Village by fiat anyways? Since if Rhys' opinion here isn't exactly rare, that has some implications for how on earth KV is being run such that nobody's able to do anything about redecorating the HQ that by their standards is really gaudy and tacky.
Oh, so it was about the ghosts they ran into.
Totally normal thing for a Decidueye to do there. /s
inb4 Rhys has to fight back gagging every time he comes to this place.
I see that KV follows the Cradle and Etherium's school of world design of "stuff in the middle and a whole lot of functional bupkis all around it". Even if I suspect that there's still more floating around out there since I remember the Heart motto distinctly mentioning worlds plural.
Filing that one away since: A: Pretty sure that's not slang for Rescue/Exploration Team members in this setting, B: Pretty sure we're going to be hearing that term a lot in the coming chapters.
I would explode Rhys' line there into a few separate chunks there, though while it was kinda obvious in short order, this basically confirms that Rhys is managing to keep (at least some of) his memories across Team Alloy's mind wipes. Since this is a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff that exactly nobody among their number, and I suspect KV at large, knows about.
IMO, another spot that would probably benefit from explicit body language / description, since up until this point Anam has been pretty goofy and happy-go-lucky while here he kinda vibes as if he's meant to be spooked. Might make sense to dwell on it, especially if there's anything about him you'd like to call attention to for readers.
Oh, so Anam and James are in on whatever it is that Nevren's got going on with Owen's (and probably TA at large's memories). And likely Rhys too at this rate given that these two are bluntly telling him that he's doing things wrong with the way things are going between those four.
James: "Seriously, Rhys. All you had to do was tutor one of those four and keep him or her away from the others in some secluded forest-" >v>;
Rhys: "We have Waypoints, remember?"
James: "... Right, that's a thing. But my point still stands!" >v<
Somehow, I wasn't expecting hard confirmation that Rhys was in on resetting TA's memories to come out right here and now in this scene, though I guess this really is the chapter where we're just going to smash the seeming normalcy around KV into a million pieces, huh?
... He can do that? Are these off-spec powers coming from those orbs or something? Since since when were Goodra aura sensitive in any branch of canon?
Yada yada, you know the drill. Especially since this is a golden opportunity to draw contrast to Anam and James' personalities, especially when they're under a stressful situation where things aren't "going to plan
" for them.
Yeah, this is why more description earlier would've helped for getting a read on Anam, since I didn't realize he was supposed to be crying/tearing up right now.
inb4 it turns out that they're the living keys needed to stave off a multiversal collision- oh wait, wrong story for that. But I'm interested in where this is going, too. Since I gathered that TA was going to turn out to be cosmically important, but even so, I still haven't been able to suss out the "why" just yet.
Narrator: "He knows and is being deliberately obtuse."
... Rhys sensed Owen touching the orb in his study, didn't he?
... Wait a minute, did Rhys leave out the Orb for TA on purpose? Since this is giving off the vibe that he left the Orb out for them on purpose right now. .-.
Ah yes, the return of Swolax. So it was going to come back in this story.
This scene will be going places shortly, won't it? Since I saw how Rhys talked about how mutants were handled earlier on.
Whelp, time to see how chunky salsa these cleanup operations get.
Well then. That would explain why these things are getting put down with extreme prejudice.
Also boy did Owen luck out in Chapter 1 way back when.
Well, for one, he's no longer sapient- oh right, ferals exist so that's not a guarantee.
Uh... that's a good question, really. But I'm guessing that it'll be "something something Psychic-type weakness".
Actually, wait. Why is Nevren not just chunky salsa-ing this thing anyways?
... Wait, where on earth did he send that thing? .-.
Oh, well that's not ominous at all there. Guess that's not the last we've seen of Swolax in this story.
I can already tell this is going to cause problems later.
... Wait, he just knows the 'mon who tried to break into his house last night? .-.
Okay, Rim. What is your game here?
Having a bit of trouble visualizing how Rhys and Rim are meant to be reacting right now, a little bit of body language would go a long way for both of them, especially for selling the sort of dynamic these two have with each other since they very clearly have history.
I can't tell if Rim is meant to be coming off more as a pleading child or a junkie going through withdrawal right now, but either way, this is more than a little concerning.
Yeah, I'm guessing "junkie going through withdrawal", since this is giving me strong "End of AKIRA Book 1" vibes right about now.
Rhys: "Oh, that's not good..."
... Wait, how many orbs does Rhys even keep at his house? .-.
This is going to be one of those moments where at first the consumer of forbidden power thinks it's a dud and then they blow up, isn't it?
Well, that would explain why Rhys was so unbothered by Rim getting at the thing. Though I have to wonder how difficult it was for him to make this decoy in the first place and what his game is holding secrets from the rest of the "not getting our minds wiped" gang. Since he definitely did not tell Anam or James about this.
Owen: "Oh thank gods, I am still alive right now. That last scene was scaring me."
Owen: "... Or I could be dead after all, since Rhys' house didn't look like this when I came to it."
... Am I reading Owen astral projecting right about now or something? Since I'm kinda getting those vibes right about now.
Owen: "... Oh great, just what I needed right now."
Oh yeah, that's really gonna stop them there. Though let's see what on earth we're dealing with right now.
... Wait a minute, is this the moment where Owen gets that Grassmeleon form he shows up in some art pieces as? Since everyone else here has something similar going on at the moment.
One of those "blow up and expand" paragraphs here. Though that makes me wonder how badly the rest of Team Alloy are freaking out right about now back in normal reality.
Could be worse, I've seen a Charmeleon almost die to Paras before. Pretty sure that's a level of humiliation above what you're worrying about, Owen.
Ah yes, the "self-cooking Fire-type" joke, even if I tend to see this one more about Tepig.
... This is the voice who reached out to Owen in his dreams, isn't it?
Yuuuuup.
Oh, so that's who encouraged him to ignore Rhys.
Alright, so admittedly I'm a bit spoiled secondhand that this character is bad news even if I don't know the specifics behind why. But I suspect that that won't become apparent for a good while into the story for here. And with how credulous Owen is, I'm not sure she'd need to work all that hard to pull a fast one over him and the readers.
Though I suppose the shakeout from the Orbening will need to wait for another day. Not that this was exactly a bad note to leave off on to keep the audience in suspense.
Aaaaand it's recap time:
Okay, so the obvious strength of this chapter was how it just smashed the status quo into a million pieces and set things up such that things can just go from 0-60 in the next chapter. Since I seriously doubt that Owen's just going to be able to sweep things under the rug once he comes to post-Orbening, and it looks like Rhys engineered this to happen under the noses of his colleagues. All of that more or less screams "nothing is going to be the same again" once the dust settles from this.
I thought that the chapter also did a good job at hinting that there's still wheels within wheels to go for the full story behind things that are going on, since I saw what happened with the Swolax there. And mechanically, it's not a half-bad structure to get readers interested in the "hey wait, that's weird" and want to come back to see where it will go in the future. It's been a bit of a constant of the story thus far, so it's good to see that it didn't let up since it primes the audience to look forward to what the aftermath of all of this will be.
As for criticisms, the number one criticism that I have is that there is a dearth of description in some scenes that makes it kinda hard to get a bead on characters or stuff that's going down at times, with it being especially noticeable in the opening scene in the chapter. At about 5000 words long, you have a bit of wiggle room to address that before things start getting into "long and plodding" territory.
The whole thing about "paragraphs that read like they'd be smoother as smaller paragraphs" also reared its head here and there, but by and large, those: A: are subjective to an extent thanks to differences in narrative style, B: aren't terribly hard to address if you decide "no, no, he's got a point" on a few of them since it's just punching the return key a couple times and occasionally adding a sentence or two.
On the whole, I thought the chapter was pretty fun @namohysip . Since even if I had a few bones to pick with some of the detailing, it did what I suspect was its intended meta job pretty well and made a decent sales pitch for coming back to this story in the next month or so.
Hope the feedback helped, and till next time!
Chapter 6
“Ugh, what a weird dream,” Owen mumbled. He rubbed his eyes; he still ached. He must have jumped improperly to avoid that Psychic attack and bruised himself. Wait. If he ached, then that wasn’t a dream, was it? Owen chanted to himself, “Not crazy. Not crazy. Not crazy.”
Owen you have bruises on your body. You can admit that that all happened already.
Owen: "I-I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this! I was... uh... sleepwalking! Y-Yes, that must've been it!"

“Eh?” Gahi said, peeking out from his sand pit. “What’re yeh mumblin’?”
“N-nothing,” Owen said. “I think I just had a weird dream. That’s all.”
I like how Owen from his tone of voice doesn't really believe this himself. I kinda wonder if this particular moment would've benefitted from Owen wrestling a bit in his mind in the narration before answering Gahi though since something about his line feels like it was meant to come after a pause, but the back to back dialogue gives off a very "prompt" vibe.
“Well, have ‘em some other night,” Gahi said. The Trapinch clicked his jaws. “…I don’t smell breakfast.”
“Does Rhys usually make it?”
“Yeah. Unless he made something cold that doesn’t smell. Usually if we’re running behind er something…”
Owen: "Does Rhys normally do this, or...?" .-.
Gahi: "Would you have expected me to point this out if it was normal?"

The kitchen had food on the table—a simple fruit salad—and a note from Rhys saying that he had gone to speak with Anam, and to stay at home until he returned. “That glowing stuff must be real urgent…”
[ ]
“Wait!” Owen said. “That’s right! There was an Espurr that was trying to take the orb last night! I remember!”
“Eh?”
I kinda wonder if this would've been better served by getting into Owen's head and showing the almonds activating internally over "... Wait a minute, that wasn't a dream!" before he pipes up.
Dunno, maybe I'm overthinking things a bit there, but this is another one of those moments where things weirdly read faster than I think they're intended to.
“What’s going on?” Demitri said. “Are you talking about last night? I think I had a dream of Rhys whisper-yelling. He sounded really angry.”
Yeah, another benefit of slowing down and dropping in "gears turning in Owen's head" moments is that you can establish what the state of Team Alloy's members are when Owen wakes up in description, since at first, I thought it was just him and Gahi awake, but the text doesn't explicitly say one way or another.
Owen nodded incessantly, the memories of the night before flooding back, replaying in his head multiple times. “Last night, while you guys were asleep, I think I woke up and saw a weird Pokémon enter Rhys’ room. She tried to, like, get the glowing orb while Rhys was asleep!”
[ ]
“Did she?”
“No, but she nearly twisted me to shreds with a crazy-strong Psychic attack. I think it was even stronger than Nevren’s!”
Can't really get a feel for how Demitri is meant to react right here to Owen's statement and if he's supposed to be "wait, huh?", something more alarmed, or something else. Also, if Demitri is underreacting relative to Owen's expectations, it's a handy way to lean into that "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I know what I saw, okay?!" thing he had going on towards the beginning of this scene.
“How d’you know how strong Nevren’s is?” Gahi said.
[ ]
“Oh, um—” Owen rubbed the back of his head. “Well, it was really strong in my dream…”
And here would be a decent spot for a brief "beat" moment. Since this is technically two separate incidents of "wait, did that actually happen?" for Owen and the "oh right" moment would likely fluster him a bit, enough so that it might make sense to explicitly depict that and whatever's going on in his head as a third-person limited perspective story.
“Wait, back up,” Demitri said. “An Espurr? That isn’t even fully evolved. Why is it so strong?”
Owen: "... It was a late evolver like us? Look, the point is that there really was an Espurr trying to steal that freaky orb, okay?!"

“The weird thing about that is that she kinda glowed, too. The same way the orb did, and the cave did.” And the mushrooms did…
A sudden silence filled the kitchen. Realization washed over them.
“He left the orb alone!” Owen said. “Right? Did he?”
... Wait, is the 'He' supposed to be Rhys or the Espurr? Since I'm tripping up a bit as to who the pronoun is meant to refer to.
Forgetting about breakfast, the quartet rushed into Rhys’ room. It was the first time that Owen got a good look at it in the sunlight that bled into the shallow cave. There was a simple bed of leaves to the left corner of the room, and a solid stone desk to the right. There was a strange stash of Pecha Berries under the desk. Owen saw a small piece of parchment lodged inside the pile of berries in the shape of a heart. At first, Owen thought it was from Anam and his saccharine taste in themed shapes, but somehow, that didn’t feel correct.
I mean, even if it's not from Anam, I suspect that it's a standardized TH letterhead fit to specs Anam designed. Since... yeah, heart-shaped parchment is a really specific design for a letterhead that feels very "Anam" to settle on.
The shelves were lined with artifacts both shiny and dusty. Owen saw a number of strange items on the three shelves that lined the cave’s far wall in a half-circle. He only recognized a few of them: an Everstone in the far right, which Owen subconsciously inched away from; something that looked like a prototype Badge, lumpy and bronze; something that looked like one of Nevren’s zany inventions, some metallic bracelet; and what looked like an old, faded edition of the Book of Mew.
Wait, is Owen supposed to know what a 'prototype Badge' looks like? Since I actually don't recall if the story ever mentioned what those were or what they did.
Though 'Book of Mew', huh? Guessing that's a religious text in this setting since Mew does have that whole "progenitor of Pokémon" lore from Gen 1 to it.
The final item gave Owen pause. “Huh. Didn’t peg Rhys as a Mew sort of person,” he mumbled under his breath. “Seemed more like the Arceus type.” His eyes continued to trail along the other books lining the shelves. There was even a book that didn’t seem to have text on it at all.
Those two get into pissing matches in this setting, don't they? Since if they're being mentioned in distinct breaths where Pokémon are expected to hold one or the other as patrons specifically...
Owen: "... Wait a minute? Aren't Mew normally wildcards in stories like ours? For a guy who was all gung ho on discipline and meditation like Rhys seemed to be, that... makes me wonder if I should be worried right now."

And there it was—perhaps he had forgotten about the orb in his rush to see Anam. For whatever reason, the orb was there, its glow significantly fainter against the morning sun peering through the cave’s entrance.
Considering how Rhys was dead set on keeping you from even being in the same room as this thing normally, I'm pretty sure that you should be a lot more uneasy at the moment, Owen.
Owen squinted, suspicious. Rhys wasn’t the sort to be careless. Demitri mentioned an argument, perhaps after he had been put to sleep. Arguing with who? The mist? The orb itself? Maybe Owen wasn’t the only crazy one in the family.
Wow, and here I thought Flame from Rebirth was credulous as a Char. Owen's definitely going out of his way to set a new benchmark, even if I suspect that some of this is conscious resistance to accepting that the crazy-sounding things going on are really happening.
This orb must have been there intentionally. That voice—was it the mist?—told Owen to touch the orb. But should he listen to that mist, or to Rhys?
I mean, I'm pretty sure I know who he's going to listen to, and I'm pretty sure it's not Rhys.
And sometimes, Rhys is an idiot, Owen recalled.
Demitri, Mispy, and Gahi wandered the room, looking for a way up. Mispy’s vines were too short to reach on their own, and it was hard to pick someone like her up to begin with. She always did seem heavier, or perhaps denser, than the average Chikorita—though, Owen had a feeling if he said that aloud, he’d face the wrath of her Solar Beam.
Mispy's part-Steel or something like that, isn't she? Though I'd recommend hacking this paragraph up into two, since Owen's recollection of what he was told in his """dream""" feels pretty distinct from the rest.
“But it’s still so high…” Demitri finally said. Vines wrapped around his abdomen. “N-no way! I can’t do it!” he protested, legs shaking.
“Aw, c’mon, it’s barely that high,” Gahi said.
“I just can’t do it. Demitri shook his head, little feet trembling in the air. “I—I mean, it’s… it’s just too high up!”
Now I'm morbidly curious as to what would happen if Demitri managed to get himself stuck in a tree. Since I know that that looks like with a male Axew of my own, and somehow I get the vibe from Demitri that while he'd probably be a bit more dignified, it wouldn't be that different.
Mispy sighed. Even if she tried, her Chikorita-strength vines weren’t quite enough to lift an Axew like Demitri. But, Owen… Mispy eyed Owen, sizing him up.
“What?” the Charmander asked.
Mispy brought two vines forward, wrapping around him.
“U-uhh—personal space, please?”
Mispy:

Mispy lifted Owen up. “Hmm. Half.” She glanced at Demitri. She had a much easier time lifting Owen in the air. This just might work. He was even lighter than Gahi—and easier to hold, too.
“Well, ain’t that something,” Gahi said. “Owen, you were the piece we needed, eh? Okay. Let’s go and lift ‘im up!”
I actually did a double-take at this since I wasn't sure what was going on, though I'm guessing Team Alloy is on the "check out the Orb" train there. I kinda wonder if it could've been beaten over the reader's heads harder since I didn't realize that they also saw the orb and wanted to see it themselves since they never explicitly say anything to the effect to express interest in it and the one thing that does that at the moment is a single sentence saying that they looked for a way up.
Mispy nodded, but then nodded at Demitri. He went up to the wall and held his tiny arms against it; Gahi got behind Mispy and pushed his head beneath her. Using Gahi’s front as a platform, she climbed onto Demitri’s back, awkwardly maneuvering until her chest wrapped around his head.
Oh hey, they're making an Adventure Squad-style tower. :V
[ ]
“W-w-wait!” Owen said. “Wait! What are we doing? M-move slower!”
Was this it? He didn’t expect his wish to touch the sphere would be granted in this way. He had been mapping the room in his head, looking for shelves to hop and Rhys’ various knickknacks and books to use as footholds. Owen normally wouldn’t disrespect a book by using it as a stepping stone, but perhaps this time would have been a necessary evil.
I didn't get the vibe that Owen was moving at all, it might've made sense to either drop in an additional paragraph mentioning Mispy is moving him around, or add it as an extension to the last paragraph of the prior block.
Though would recommend hacking Owen's dialogue off from the rest of the paragraph here.
“We’re gonna grab that orb and take a look at it!” Gahi said.

[ ]
“O-oh, okay. But—but it wasn’t my idea, okay?! I need to make a good first impression with Rhys, and I don’t want him thinking I’m some—some delinquent!”
“With a vocabulary like that, I ain’t gonna feel too worried ‘bout that,” Gahi said.
“And with a vocabulary like yours,” Demitri said, “Rhys will probably think it was your idea.”
Another bit where showing some description of this moment / the stuff in Owen's head probably would've been a nice addition. Especially since this is basically a "whelp, no turning back now" moment for him that he seems to be getting cold feet over from his dialogue.
Gahi: "How's that not the definition of stereotyping?!" >.<
Demitri: "Look, it's not our fault that your dialogue reads like Huck Finn sometimes, and he wasn't exactly Mr. Straight and Narrow in his book."
Owen: "... Are we supposed to know about that book? Though uh... right, I was supposed to touch the orb, huh?" ^^;
Owen hoped that his parents wouldn’t be upset if they found out. But then again—they didn’t even show up for his acceptance of the Heart position! Maybe a little rebellion was warranted. Yeah, that was a good excuse.
Oh yeah, somebody sounds totally convinced right about now.
Owen was at eye-level with the orb. Up close, it seemed bigger—he wouldn’t be able to hold it with just one of his tiny hands. He’d need to grab it by both sides; it was almost half the size of his head. He saw little, flowing lights swirling inside the pale, green sphere.
“Just a little more, Mispy!” Owen said. “I can totally get it!”
Rhys is going to walk in on them in 5 seconds, isn't he?
Mispy obliged, straining her vines. “Almost?!” She adjusted her vines lower to push him just a bit higher.
“N-not too low, Mispy!” Owen squeaked. “S-sorry!”
[ ]
“Almost… got it…!”
Owen took a break to let Mispy drift him closer, relaxing his arms. Then, he reached out one last time, feeling that Mispy was at her limit. He knew it, now—he could grab the orb! Owen reached out.
“Okay, I—”
Contact.
Feels like something is kinda missing before the "Almost... got it...!" moment, but maybe that's just my bias for scenes that are visualization-friendly speaking. Since it feels like it'd be a relatively easy way to build up some suspense about what's going to happen.
Though speaking of which, let's go ahead and see how much of a disaster this is going to be, huh?
Well then. I mean, I was expecting it to blow up the room, but I see the orb didn't disappoint there.The Charmander went completely limp; his arms fell forward, the orb still in his hands. Mispy stumbled from the dead weight.
“O-Owen? Is it heavy?” Demitri asked, unable to look up.
The flame on Owen’s tail went out.

“Hrrmmnnn, what a mess,” Rhys muttered, walking through town at a brisk pace.
His bag hung around his shoulder, the bottom bumping against the spike on his chest. He glanced down inside; he had a few items, along with a cloth wrapped around a large sphere, glowing faintly. He scanned the immediate area. Business as usual for most of the Hearts. Missions, missions, and more missions. He spotted an Aerodactyl grumbling while posting mission statements on the bulletin board.
Ohai, Jerry. How's
IMO, Nevren's line here would likely read more organic if you hacked it up into pieces and showed him“Ahh, Rhys!” Nevren called.
The fur on Rhys’ body bristled. He walked without acknowledging the Alakazam.
“Now, Rhys, that’s no way to greet me,” Nevren said. “What are you doing here? You don’t often come to Kilo Village unless there is a ceremony.”
He looked at the bag. [ ]
“…It’s not exactly a good idea,” he said, “to be carrying that around right now, don’t you think?”

“I will take my chances.”
“Are you sure?” Nevren tilted his head. “Rim might try to take it from you in broad daylight. Do not think a crowd will discourage her. The Hunters have been getting antsy lately.”
Oh, so Rim is that Espurr from the end of last chapter, huh?
“And what will she do if she sees me? Glare angrily at my feet?”
“Now, Rhys, that was uncalled for.” Rhys clutched at the bag.
“…She entered our home yesterday.”
I KNEW IT
“Ah.”
[ ]
“I do not want her to endanger my students,” he said. “I would rather take it with me while speaking with Anam.”
Yeah, funny story about that, Rhys. Though this might've benefitted from dropping in a moment of "Nevren, sod off" body language from Rhys here. Especially if this scene is meant to be written from his perspective.
“Hrm.”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me.” Rhys made a motion to walk past Nevren, hesitating briefly, as if knowing that Nevren would say something. Yet, when he didn’t, he continued past him.
Nevren watched Rhys walk. “Has Elder talked with you about any of this?”
Wait, Elder is a name of a person and not a title in this story? Though looks like Rhys was correct in his anticipation, just slightly delayed.
Rhys hesitated, looking down at his bag. “Of course we talk.”
Silence.
“…Where are you going, anyway?” Rhys said, looking back.
... That's a good question, honestly. And what on earth is in your bag right now such that you think that the Orb on your shelf at home is in it?
“Ah, well. I was sent on a mission to where Owen had gone the day prior. I need to take care of one of the mutant sightings there before anybody else gets hurt; it was already designated as a restricted zone until further notice. Well, I plan to give that further notice.”
Oh, so those ghost things were mutants after all. Probably. Maybe. Assuming that Rhys isn't talking about where Nevren almost murdered Owen out of existence.
“Ah.” Rhys hummed, glancing down at his bag, then at Nevren. “Will you need help?”
[ ]
“Not at all. This will be trivial. Carry on with your duties so you may return home with that Orb, yes?”
[ ]
“Mrm. Very well.” Rhys continued into the office, and Nevren headed out of the Heart HQ.
This also seems like a spot where some more description would've probably been warranted, especially if you're trying to give any hints or red herrings about Rhys and Nevren to your readers.
Though I just realized that for a scene written from Rhys' PoV, we're not seeing an awful lot of what's going on in his head. Is that a deliberate choice by virtue of Rhys' inner workings being a spoiler minefield? Or is that an artifact of early installment weirdness?
The entryway, past the main, heart-shaped exterior, was a building of stone and wood, painted in various shades of pink, red, and purple. Pathways on the ground were painted in a dark violet to indicate which way to go in the main lobby; the walls were a soft, invigorating red, with white stripes separating the red from the purple and other colors. The ceiling was pink, and the upper half of the walls shared the same color. They were all solid colors with no real pattern, except for some floral designs lining where the colors changed.
The color scheme disgusted Rhys, but he didn’t have the heart to berate Anam for his taste in décor.
Not least of all, since I'm pretty sure that doesn't end well for the Pokémon that do from what I vaguely remember of Anam's portrayal in the GL crossover.

To Rhys’ left was a stairway into the in-house dorms, where Pokémon that preferred to live directly inside of Kilo Village slept. To the right was where official business took place, such as meetings, private assemblies, and administrative work. Rhys entered the right stairway. There were very few Pokémon in the Heart during this time of day. With the morning missions taken and afternoon missions still unprocessed, the boards were being cleared off by the disgruntled Aerodactyl, muttering something about Solar Beams.
... Wait, didn't Rhys see Jerry working outside earlier? Or was the earlier description meant to indicate that Rhys had been at Heart HQ earlier in the day, left, and now he's back?
It was dark in the hall, and then brighter at the exit. The colors were the same, and Rhys generally didn’t care for Anam’s style. But he was the boss. The Lucario sighed to himself, fidgeting with his bag.
... Wait, so how many decisions does Anam get to make in and around Kilo Village by fiat anyways? Since if Rhys' opinion here isn't exactly rare, that has some implications for how on earth KV is being run such that nobody's able to do anything about redecorating the HQ that by their standards is really gaudy and tacky.
A Decidueye emerged from the floor in a black mist—not a normal entrance for his kind, but something that the Lucario was accustomed to, specifically for the second-in-command. “Rhys,” James said. “Is this about the recent sighting?”
“Calm Water Lake? Somewhat. Where is Anam?”
Oh, so it was about the ghosts they ran into.
“He is in his quarters.” He motioned behind him with a wing. “I will see you there.” He sank into the ground again in a cloud of ominous, black smoke.
Totally normal thing for a Decidueye to do there. /s
Goodra Anam’s quarters was at the very edge of the building, at the back and center of the Heart. He was staring at a large map of the world on the front wall, above the entryway. Due to Anam’s size, it wasn’t easy to see the rest of his room. However, the gentle, strange, sweet smell associated with the Goodra permeated the atmosphere. It was like he bathed in Pecha juice.
inb4 Rhys has to fight back gagging every time he comes to this place.
“Oh, hi, Rhys!” Anam said, waving. “I was just looking at the map.”
Rhys entered and turned around, looking with him. The map was ancient and hand-drawn. Much better copies existed of the world, but this was Anam’s personal copy. The original copy, apparently, complete with dried slime and illegible scribbles in the empty spaces. Kilo Village, and by extension Kilo Mountain, was at the center of this map, displaying a largely circular country in the middle of an ocean on all sides.
I see that KV follows the Cradle and Etherium's school of world design of "stuff in the middle and a whole lot of functional bupkis all around it". Even if I suspect that there's still more floating around out there since I remember the Heart motto distinctly mentioning worlds plural.
“…Calm Water Lake,” Rhys said, pointing to the northeastern river that fed into the reservoir. “We always suspected an orb would be hidden there. But we didn’t find one, last we checked.”
“We assumed it was a false lead,” James said. “Previous signs lasted only for a short while, after all. But it happened again, and this time we have actual witnesses to prove it.”
“Not good.” Rhys sighed. “They might be taken by the Hunters… But perhaps we should also investigate.”
Filing that one away since: A: Pretty sure that's not slang for Rescue/Exploration Team members in this setting, B: Pretty sure we're going to be hearing that term a lot in the coming chapters.
“There were sightings of a Torkoal entering the lake,” James said. “I assume you know him, Rhys?”
Rhys looked away from the map and toward the ground.
“Yes, I’m sure that Elder attempted to speak with whoever held the orb. Anam… I actually wanted to tell you about some extra information.”
He paused to make sure he had their attention. [ ]
“It’s very likely that it is the Water Orb—my students explored it, unannounced.”
I would explode Rhys' line there into a few separate chunks there, though while it was kinda obvious in short order, this basically confirms that Rhys is managing to keep (at least some of) his memories across Team Alloy's mind wipes. Since this is a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff that exactly nobody among their number, and I suspect KV at large, knows about.
[ ]
“W-wait, your students?” Anam said. “You mean… all four of them… together? Wouldn’t that spook the Guardian?”
IMO, another spot that would probably benefit from explicit body language / description, since up until this point Anam has been pretty goofy and happy-go-lucky while here he kinda vibes as if he's meant to be spooked. Might make sense to dwell on it, especially if there's anything about him you'd like to call attention to for readers.
“Yes,” Rhys said. “They are fine. Owen is, too. The Water Guardian may not have realized it, thanks to their current state.”
James’ feathers puffed out considerably. “Those four are not supposed to be together, ever, Rhys.”
Oh, so Anam and James are in on whatever it is that Nevren's got going on with Owen's (and probably TA at large's memories). And likely Rhys too at this rate given that these two are bluntly telling him that he's doing things wrong with the way things are going between those four.
James: "Seriously, Rhys. All you had to do was tutor one of those four and keep him or her away from the others in some secluded forest-" >v>;
Rhys: "We have Waypoints, remember?"
James: "... Right, that's a thing. But my point still stands!" >v<
“I understand,” Rhys said, “but a… series of circumstances caused them to be together, recently. But that will be the end of it. Once I get home”—Rhys let out a defeated sigh—"I will… set things right. Owen will return home. The rest of Team Alloy will forget him again. He will train and meditate, and… things will remain as they have always been.”
Somehow, I wasn't expecting hard confirmation that Rhys was in on resetting TA's memories to come out right here and now in this scene, though I guess this really is the chapter where we're just going to smash the seeming normalcy around KV into a million pieces, huh?
“…You’re lying,” Anam said, nibbling on his slimy fingers. The feelers on his head twitched uncomfortably.
“Ngh.” Rhys’ head went lower. “Anam, don’t start talking about any silly ‘dark emotions’ you may feel from me. I get enough of that from Owen’s Perception.”
... He can do that? Are these off-spec powers coming from those orbs or something? Since since when were Goodra aura sensitive in any branch of canon?

[ ]
“S-sorry,” Anam said, looking down. “But… it was just so obvious.”
[ ]
“We can’t allow this,” James said. “I understand your feelings on the matter, Rhys. But it’s still too dangerous. Perhaps later. But not now.”
Yada yada, you know the drill. Especially since this is a golden opportunity to draw contrast to Anam and James' personalities, especially when they're under a stressful situation where things aren't "going to plan

“It has been that way for quite a while, hasn’t it? Perhaps later. Perhaps later…” Rhys smiled bitterly at James. “That is all I wanted to say. Thank you, Anam. Be careful.”
“Rhys…” Anam sniffed. “I… I don’t want you to be upset!” He wiped gooey tears from his face. “Can I do anything to help?!”
Yeah, this is why more description earlier would've helped for getting a read on Anam, since I didn't realize he was supposed to be crying/tearing up right now.
Rhys closed his eyes. [ ]
“Anam. A long time ago, you told me that you saw great potential in the bond that my students shared. That if they could train their spirits to overcome their… weaknesses… they could perhaps tip this teetering scale in our favor. But to you, Anam,” he said, turning around, “what is that favor? What then, if we win?”
inb4 it turns out that they're the living keys needed to stave off a multiversal collision- oh wait, wrong story for that. But I'm interested in where this is going, too. Since I gathered that TA was going to turn out to be cosmically important, but even so, I still haven't been able to suss out the "why" just yet.
“F-favor…?”
Rhys crossed his arms. “How do you plan to use my students, Anam?”
“I… I just, um…” Anam hesitated. “I don’t know. But together, they’re really, really strong.”
Narrator: "He knows and is being deliberately obtuse."
“I see,” Rhys said. His eyes were closed again. “Anam.” He stared at Anam, right in his glistening, green eyes. “I’m sorry to hear that you don’t know what to do with that power. But the world will not wait for your decision. And neither will they.”
“What?” Anam asked. “What’s that mean? Rhys…?”
... Rhys sensed Owen touching the orb in his study, didn't he?
The Elite Heart said nothing else and turned to exit. James, glaring from behind, assured Anam that Rhys was merely upset at his circumstances, and he just had to blow off some steam. While this was normally true, James was worried at how affected Anam was, this time.
“Anam,” James said, “is he not always like this, when he has that tone?”
Anam gulped, but then shook his head.
“This time… he feels different.” The feeler-horns behind his head twitched. “He’s telling the truth… b-but what’s that mean? I dunno… I dunno…”
... Wait a minute, did Rhys leave out the Orb for TA on purpose? Since this is giving off the vibe that he left the Orb out for them on purpose right now. .-.
“Goodness. You’re an angry one.”
Nevren tilted his head to the right and stepped away, narrowly dodging a brutal swing from the muscular Snorlax mutant. In the close quarters of the wooden Dungeon labyrinth, it wasn’t the easiest maneuver, but it seemed like Nevren knew exactly where to move before the strikes even began. The air that followed made the Alakazam’s mustache dance with the flow. The strange creature made another brutal swing, trying to punch him in the torso next, but Nevren vanished in thin air.
Ah yes, the return of Swolax. So it was going to come back in this story.
The Snorlax stared at his hand, squeezing his claws dumbly.
“So unhinged. Is there even any reason within you?” Nevren asked, though the question was rhetorical.
He floated just above Snorlax’s shoulders. He tapped a spoon on the behemoth’s head, squinting at some invisible spot on his skull.
“Yes, very disturbed. There may not be any coming back from this one. You’re simply too berserk.”
This scene will be going places shortly, won't it? Since I saw how Rhys talked about how mutants were handled earlier on.
Snorlax roared and swung behind him; Nevren hopped on air, easily avoiding his arm, and then formed a small ball of light in his hands.
“It’s a shame, really. I don’t know how to dispatch of someone like you most of the time. You’re a danger to all life, you know. Yes, a true shame…”
Whelp, time to see how chunky salsa these cleanup operations get.
Snorlax opened his mouth, orange energy concentrating at the back of his throat. The sphere emerged, aimed at Nevren.
“Ah. Hyper Beam. I should have—”
The blast cut through the ground and into the forest behind him; the Wooden Wilds’ trees splintered near the top, and one of the labyrinthine walls of the Dungeon incinerated completely, leaving a scorched hole into another hallway. Embers and smoke filled the air.
Well then. That would explain why these things are getting put down with extreme prejudice.
Also boy did Owen luck out in Chapter 1 way back when.

Wordlessly, Snorlax turned around and lumbered through the Dungeon, growling. His arms twitched and swung, and the Snorlax himself was breathing heavily and angrily. For no particular reason, he roared and slammed his fist into the wall, leaving a crater as big as he was in it. Then, he continued forward.
“Yes. Too far gone.”

Snorlax spun around, blasting another Hyper Beam through the smoke. This time, it didn’t hit anything for a while. It struck the end of the hall with an explosion that rocked his chest. Glowing eyes of an Alakazam shined through the smoke.
“Oh? You can blast them repeatedly? What drawback does that give you, hmm? Perhaps it takes up too much energy.”
Well, for one, he's no longer sapient- oh right, ferals exist so that's not a guarantee.
Uh... that's a good question, really. But I'm guessing that it'll be "something something Psychic-type weakness".
Snorlax fired again, this time directly at the glowing eyes, but they disappeared a split second before the blast could connect. He sniffed the air, trying to find the Alakazam’s scent, but the smoke made that too difficult. He opened his mouth again, but then Nevren reappeared right in front of Snorlax, tapping a single, glowing finger to his forehead.
Snorlax stopped his blast; the energy that had been gathered dissipated harmlessly in all directions. But his mouth didn’t close; instead, it hung open. His legs wobbled, but he didn’t quite fall down, so much as he leaned against the wall that hadn’t been destroyed.
Actually, wait. Why is Nevren not just chunky salsa-ing this thing anyways?
Nevren sighed, looking at the entranced mutant. “I apologize in advance.” His eyes glowed brightly. Nevren placed his palm on the Snorlax’s chest; the glow of his eyes channeled rapidly down his neck, into his arm, and into his palm, and then into Snorlax.
After a brief spasm, the Snorlax disappeared from the Dungeon.
... Wait, where on earth did he send that thing? .-.
Nevren dug through the bag over his shoulder and pulled out his Badge. He tapped on the Heart symbol in the center twice and held it in the air. After several seconds of waiting for the safe extraction to be established, he disappeared from the Dungeon, reappearing near the entrance. While he fully expected to see the unconscious, or perhaps dead, Snorlax nearby, nothing waited for him at the entrance to the distortion.
Oh, well that's not ominous at all there. Guess that's not the last we've seen of Swolax in this story.
“Hm.” Nevren inspected the area halfheartedly, but then shrugged. He supposed it was already taken care of, then. Efficient. Knowing there was nothing else to worry about, and his mission was accomplished, Nevren walked toward the Waypoint back to Kilo Village.

I can already tell this is going to cause problems later.
Rhys’ walk back home was a quiet one. He heard wild Pidgey singing in the trees. Rattata scampered in the bushes. Auras were wild or calm, rushing or resting. They were all weak, really. Wild Pokémon in this area weren’t anything to worry about. That was one reason he enjoyed living in the forest to the side of Kilo Village’s outskirts. The auras didn’t overwhelm his senses. It also meant that if a powerful aura was around, he could spot it instantly.
“Hello, Rim,” Rhys said.
He stopped walking and lifted his head. To his left was the black, rocky Kilo Mountainside. To the right was the surrounding Kilo Forest, comprised of thin trees with thick, lumpy tops. And ahead and behind him, the thin, grassy field that connected the two.
... Wait, he just knows the 'mon who tried to break into his house last night? .-.
An Espurr appeared in front of Rhys, ten paces away. She was floating at eye-level to Rhys, but she didn’t look directly at him. She stared at his feet instead.
“H-hello…” Her voice was like a whisper, barely audible over the wind. Rhys had to strain his sensitive ears just to hear her.
“I didn’t appreciate your antics last night.”
“S-sorry…”
Okay, Rim. What is your game here?

[ ]
“Will you stop, then?” Rim didn’t reply. [ ]
“I see,” Rhys said. “So, it’s begun again. Do not think that I am unprepared, Rim. Send that message to the others.”
Having a bit of trouble visualizing how Rhys and Rim are meant to be reacting right now, a little bit of body language would go a long way for both of them, especially for selling the sort of dynamic these two have with each other since they very clearly have history.
“The… orb… p-please…”
“The orb?” Rhys grabbed at the strap, pulling his bag up. “You intend to take the orb?”
[ ]
“P-please…”
[ ]
“I will not allow it.”
I can't tell if Rim is meant to be coming off more as a pleading child or a junkie going through withdrawal right now, but either way, this is more than a little concerning.
The wind died down. For five seconds, the atmosphere was without sound. Then, it picked up again. The leaves on bushes rustled; wild Pokémon, sensing the tension, fled. The wind stopped again. Rim’s fur, however, continued to blow, energy swirling around her.
Yeah, I'm guessing "junkie going through withdrawal", since this is giving me strong "End of AKIRA Book 1" vibes right about now.
Rhys felt the air twist around him; in a deft movement, he jumped back, dodging Rim’s first Psychic blow. The dirt where he stood warped into an oblong, spiral spike of grass and mud. Rhys countered with a bright ball of concentrated light from his paws, aimed at Rim. It was weakened by an odd, invisible barrier, but still passed through, making the Espurr squeak. She countered with another bout of twisting energy. Rhys dodged it again, but felt the fur at the edge of his tail spiral into a corkscrew.
Rhys fired another Flash Cannon at her, its brilliance scaring off all spectating wild Pokémon. Rim vanished. Rhys cursed and glanced behind him; he felt a powerful presence in front of him instead, but it was too late. The twisting energy surrounded Rhys, and the attack connected. He lost the wind from his chest; his bones were strained. He jumped away, but dropped his bag in the process.
“Ngh—”
Rhys: "Oh, that's not good..."

Rim was readying another wave. Rhys ran in the opposite direction, and then redirected himself. He fired another ball of steely light one last time; Rim dodged, but had to close her eyes against the bright detonation. When she opened them again, he was gone, but the bag remained. Based on the dim glow it emitted, the orb was still inside.
... Wait, how many orbs does Rhys even keep at his house? .-.
She hastily floated down and pulled the cloth out. The orb fell out of the bag, knocking against the dirt with a dull thud. She smiled in relief and hastily grabbed the orb with both hands.
Nothing happened. Her smile transitioned into a confused frown.
This is going to be one of those moments where at first the consumer of forbidden power thinks it's a dud and then they blow up, isn't it?
In another second, her big, purple eyes bulged with panic. She pulled her hands away, and then touched it again. Nothing. She touched it yet again. Still, nothing. She whimpered and knocked her claws against the side. It made a hollow tink.
The glow inside was just a latent Aura Sphere; Rhys had mimicked the Mystic radiance perfectly, yet it was all a fabrication. It was simply colored glass.
Well, that would explain why Rhys was so unbothered by Rim getting at the thing. Though I have to wonder how difficult it was for him to make this decoy in the first place and what his game is holding secrets from the rest of the "not getting our minds wiped" gang. Since he definitely did not tell Anam or James about this.
“Got it, guys!” Owen said. “Ha ha, that was… what?” The orb wasn’t in his hands anymore.
Owen: "Oh thank gods, I am still alive right now. That last scene was scaring me."

He was standing in a clearing within a forest that was vaguely similar to the one outside Rhys’ home. Sunlight poured through the treetops above, creating dazzling patterns on the ground. A large, open field sat to his right, beyond tree trunks wider than he was tall. To his left—and in all other directions, really—was more and more forest. Tanned wood topped with bright green. There was no mountain and no nearby cave; Demitri, Mispy, and Gahi were nowhere to be seen.
Owen: "... Or I could be dead after all, since Rhys' house didn't look like this when I came to it."

“Okay. I’m crazy,” Owen finally conceded, looking at his hands. He was certain that he was holding the orb, or that he at least grabbed it. But then, in an instant, it was gone, and then… What happened after that? He did feel a bit strange. He had blacked out for at most half a blink. And then, he was here. It still felt like Mispy was holding him, but it was some sort of phantom sensation. He saw no vines wrapped around his abdomen.
... Am I reading Owen astral projecting right about now or something? Since I'm kinda getting those vibes right about now.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have skipped breakfast.” But then again, he didn’t feel hungry.
Something rustled behind him.
Owen: "... Oh great, just what I needed right now."

“U-uh—h-h-hello?” The flame on his tail brightened. Fire danced in the back of his throat. His heart was racing with onset panic at being thrown into a completely unfamiliar place.
More rustling behind him again, where he had once been facing—and to his left, and his right, and above him. Eyes everywhere, little dots in the shadows of bushes and branches. He caught sight of one of them.
“H-hey!” he said, pointing. “I saw that! C-come out! And—and do it in a… slow and non-threatening way! P-please!”
Oh yeah, that's really gonna stop them there. Though let's see what on earth we're dealing with right now.
After a few seconds, a Leafeon emerged. Owen deflated with his sigh.
A few other Pokémon revealed themselves, including a large Jumpluff. Another was a Murkrow—but instead of its iconic, black feathers, it was covered in sharp leaves. Another emerged—this one was a Cubone, holding a solid, wooden stick instead of a bone. Its helmet was made of the same material. The Jumpluff—an actual, normal Pokémon—helped him relax the same way seeing the Leafeon did. If there was anywhere for him to be placed randomly, a place of Grass-Types wasn’t too bad.
... Wait a minute, is this the moment where Owen gets that Grassmeleon form he shows up in some art pieces as? Since everyone else here has something similar going on at the moment.
“Hey,” Owen said, lowering his guard. “S-sorry. I’m just a little… confused. Um. Where am I?”
He nervously nibbled on his tongue. [ ]
“I’m sorry if I’m, um, intruding, or anything like that. I think I got here on accident, somehow. I’ll go right home! When… I know where that is.”
One of those "blow up and expand" paragraphs here. Though that makes me wonder how badly the rest of Team Alloy are freaking out right about now back in normal reality.
The Pokémon all looked at one another. They seemed to understand Owen, and were murmuring to one another. Owen’s breathing steadied. At least they weren’t wild. Another ideal circumstance. He listened in on the words being said, sensing that quite a few of these Pokémon were tense and ready to fight or flee. He gulped. Was he about to become a Carnivine’s lunch? Some Grass cult’s sacrifice? Even if he had an advantage, he didn’t think he’d be able to take on all of them. It would be the most humiliating way to die, really—a Charmander, eaten by a bunch of Grass-Types.
Could be worse, I've seen a Charmeleon almost die to Paras before. Pretty sure that's a level of humiliation above what you're worrying about, Owen.

The mumbling slowly subsided; more and more of their eyes focused on something behind Owen. The Charmander almost didn’t want to look back. He could feel it. A presence—a powerful, incredible, radiant presence. Perhaps it was the cult’s leader, ready to cook him up. Charmander stew! With only the finest herbs and berries. It cooked itself.
Ah yes, the "self-cooking Fire-type" joke, even if I tend to see this one more about Tepig.
He couldn’t move; his flame burned brighter, ready to run and torch anything that stopped him.
“Yo,” said a feminine, yet casual voice. “Took you long enough.”
... This is the voice who reached out to Owen in his dreams, isn't it?
By some miracle, Owen heard this voice over the blood pounding in his head. This voice sounded familiar. Recent. Wait! It was the pretty voice!
Yuuuuup.
He spun around.
His jaw nearly detached from the rest of his head. “M-M-M… Muh—Muh—”
“Nice to meet you in spirit, Owen,” the Mew said, smiling wryly. “How’s life?”
Oh, so that's who encouraged him to ignore Rhys.
Alright, so admittedly I'm a bit spoiled secondhand that this character is bad news even if I don't know the specifics behind why. But I suspect that that won't become apparent for a good while into the story for here. And with how credulous Owen is, I'm not sure she'd need to work all that hard to pull a fast one over him and the readers.
Though I suppose the shakeout from the Orbening will need to wait for another day. Not that this was exactly a bad note to leave off on to keep the audience in suspense.
Aaaaand it's recap time:
Okay, so the obvious strength of this chapter was how it just smashed the status quo into a million pieces and set things up such that things can just go from 0-60 in the next chapter. Since I seriously doubt that Owen's just going to be able to sweep things under the rug once he comes to post-Orbening, and it looks like Rhys engineered this to happen under the noses of his colleagues. All of that more or less screams "nothing is going to be the same again" once the dust settles from this.
I thought that the chapter also did a good job at hinting that there's still wheels within wheels to go for the full story behind things that are going on, since I saw what happened with the Swolax there. And mechanically, it's not a half-bad structure to get readers interested in the "hey wait, that's weird" and want to come back to see where it will go in the future. It's been a bit of a constant of the story thus far, so it's good to see that it didn't let up since it primes the audience to look forward to what the aftermath of all of this will be.
As for criticisms, the number one criticism that I have is that there is a dearth of description in some scenes that makes it kinda hard to get a bead on characters or stuff that's going down at times, with it being especially noticeable in the opening scene in the chapter. At about 5000 words long, you have a bit of wiggle room to address that before things start getting into "long and plodding" territory.
The whole thing about "paragraphs that read like they'd be smoother as smaller paragraphs" also reared its head here and there, but by and large, those: A: are subjective to an extent thanks to differences in narrative style, B: aren't terribly hard to address if you decide "no, no, he's got a point" on a few of them since it's just punching the return key a couple times and occasionally adding a sentence or two.
On the whole, I thought the chapter was pretty fun @namohysip . Since even if I had a few bones to pick with some of the detailing, it did what I suspect was its intended meta job pretty well and made a decent sales pitch for coming back to this story in the next month or so.
Hope the feedback helped, and till next time!