- Joined
- Aug 18, 2018
- Messages
- 457
- Reaction score
- 278
- Thread starter
- Staff
- #121
Thanks for the feedback, Canis! I think I got a little sloppy with these revisions due to...
So... yeah. I think I flubbed the revisions on this chapter for one bit in particular--that paragraph about a few days passing? That... wasn't supposed to be there. I've already removed it. Ignore that. Only a night has passed.
Next up, Amby. The overall impression I get is that I'm probably going to revamp the latter part of this scene (and... maybe cut down on a bit of the flying bit? But some of that is important--I'll elaborate below)
In general, in hindsight, it does seem like a bit of a weak scene. I'll take a look at this when I revise through it, but I think the first thing that I don't think I elaborated on is the fact that this isn't actually a Dungeon. It's just... a factory. No crazy Dungeon barrier here, just an abandoned ancient factory. Which leads into the point where it was very non-threatening this time around.
So, this is where I messed up the most. I'll be revising this scene some to alter the tone, because if I'm not going to make it dangerous, I absolutely should be more focused on the sense of unease and alien appearance of this place (well, relatively speaking.)
So, yes, this, basically. Fear of the unknown, maybe Owen getting enthusiastic about it being some sort of ancient location meant to be rediscovered? And the washing that into... well... fear of, "oh, wait, this is actually really different." However...
So, here's the thing. This area--the factory--is not meant to be threatening to the group. The sand isn't actually mega-toxic. I mean, well, it is? But not in the "touch it and die" sense. It's probably carcinogenic or something, but that's small potatoes compared to what they were dealing with before. If anything, maybe I can divert that a little. The fact that it's not threatening unnerves them further?
Agree to disagree on the base, but I suppose I could cut down on a bit of it. There was a small glimpse at the Void that I wanted to get out here, and also just a little bit of Owen having a small pleasure in life, but aside from that, I guess I could cut down on the unnecessary information.
As mentioned before, it's not a Dungeon, so I'm going to have to rework the scene to be more on the mystifying and unnerving side than the outright dangerous side. Hmm. I'll need to think on this one and probably spend a good portion on it tomorrow. Depending on how substantial the rework is, I might even announce it... ehh. Maybe not. It's just tone. Stay tuned, I guess?
I think there's a time discontinuity in this chapter?
So... yeah. I think I flubbed the revisions on this chapter for one bit in particular--that paragraph about a few days passing? That... wasn't supposed to be there. I've already removed it. Ignore that. Only a night has passed.
Next up, Amby. The overall impression I get is that I'm probably going to revamp the latter part of this scene (and... maybe cut down on a bit of the flying bit? But some of that is important--I'll elaborate below)
In general, in hindsight, it does seem like a bit of a weak scene. I'll take a look at this when I revise through it, but I think the first thing that I don't think I elaborated on is the fact that this isn't actually a Dungeon. It's just... a factory. No crazy Dungeon barrier here, just an abandoned ancient factory. Which leads into the point where it was very non-threatening this time around.
I think it was because of the cast's general indifference toward the factory setting, which was clearly setting up for the reveal of Brandon, our resident human.
So, this is where I messed up the most. I'll be revising this scene some to alter the tone, because if I'm not going to make it dangerous, I absolutely should be more focused on the sense of unease and alien appearance of this place (well, relatively speaking.)
with it maybe turning into fear and confusion about how mechanical and imposing the abandoned factory is)
So, yes, this, basically. Fear of the unknown, maybe Owen getting enthusiastic about it being some sort of ancient location meant to be rediscovered? And the washing that into... well... fear of, "oh, wait, this is actually really different." However...
This could just be a pitfall of having a cast that is, essentially, all-powerful. In true shonen fashion, they need to face threats that have the same level of power to get any sort of surprise out of them. But even then, the surprise is mostly limited to Owen and Amia so far over the course of the story. I don't know, I guess it's a personal taste thing, but this had the potential to actually be threatening toward our heroes
So, here's the thing. This area--the factory--is not meant to be threatening to the group. The sand isn't actually mega-toxic. I mean, well, it is? But not in the "touch it and die" sense. It's probably carcinogenic or something, but that's small potatoes compared to what they were dealing with before. If anything, maybe I can divert that a little. The fact that it's not threatening unnerves them further?
but instead you devote a large amount of time to showing that Mystics can fly, which I admit made me a bit glass-eyed and bored.
Agree to disagree on the base, but I suppose I could cut down on a bit of it. There was a small glimpse at the Void that I wanted to get out here, and also just a little bit of Owen having a small pleasure in life, but aside from that, I guess I could cut down on the unnecessary information.
I don't know how many more of these dungeon crawling things you've got, but I'd really advise that, if at all possible, future revisions try to find some way — anything, really — to actually threaten the heroes, Mystic status and all.
As mentioned before, it's not a Dungeon, so I'm going to have to rework the scene to be more on the mystifying and unnerving side than the outright dangerous side. Hmm. I'll need to think on this one and probably spend a good portion on it tomorrow. Depending on how substantial the rework is, I might even announce it... ehh. Maybe not. It's just tone. Stay tuned, I guess?