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EVERYONE: Pokémon Origins: File 5... Reina

Where do you see Red and Reina's relationship heading?

  • They just stay friends.

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • They try dating!

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • They eventually get married!

    Votes: 1 50.0%
  • Other?

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    2

JediMaster362

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EF6D28C1-38EA-47FE-9663-7538A7C38FD2.jpeg


Part 1 - A conversation with someone special!

It was a few months since Red captured Mewtwo, and the Pokémon League Champion set out to capture the elusive Mew. On occasion, Red would take a breather back at home, and one day, he received a package from the Silph Company. In it was the ultimate Poké ball - the Master Ball.

"This is awesome! I just have to find that Pokémon, and I am all set!" Red exclaimed. Before heading out, however, Red got permission from his mother to contact a number in Lavender Town.

Meanwhile, at the Pokémon House, a certain young volunteer was preparing to feed Cubone its favorite lunch, when she heard the video phone start to ring.

"Can someone get that? I am a little busy at the moment!" Shouted Mr. Fuji.

"Yes, sir! I'll get it! Huh? It's from Pallet Town?" The young girl answered. "Hello?"

The video feed took a few seconds to show up. However, Reina was thrilled to hear the caller's voice. "Hi! Is this who I think it is?"

"Ah! It's Red!" Reina smiled as she was able to see the video feed.

"Hi. I just captured a really strong Pokémon a few months back! It was-"

"In Cerulean Cave, right? I was so worried! Red, I don't want to go through another emotional episode like that!"

"Sorry for worrying you. But, I am going to search for another Pokémon. Mew! I think I should be fine. I have a secret weapon. It's guaranteed."

"Weapon?" Reina started to frown.

"Uh, it's just a saying. You know, like an ace up my sleeve."

"Oh! Ohhhh, THAT'S what you meant. Silly me! I just get… touchy about that kind of thing."

"Oh, that's right. Like how Team Rocket-"

"Yeah." Reina looked at the one that saved the Pokémon Tower.

"Sorry. Hey, look. When I catch Mew, I will show it to you."

"Really? That's awesome!" Just then, footsteps were audible to Red.

"Are my ears deceiving me, or did I hear you say Mew?" Mr. Fuji shouted as he entered the room.

"Oh, you heard it right, Mr. Fuji." Red smiled.

"Ah. I see. How interesting. Mew is known to be… more mischievous than anything else. Be careful, Red. Since Mew has the DNA of all Pokémon, you can't expect to find it that easily." Red and Reina gasped at what the old man said.

"Well, then, it's a really good thing that I have my little ace up my sleeve." Red smiled again. Before Reina could ask Red what it was, Red's mother ran to the video phone.

"Hello! I'm the proud mother of this great Pokémon Trainer, and Pokémon League Champion!" Red's mother shouted.

"Oh! Hello! You must be very proud. As you well know, your son has been working on the PokéDex." Mr. Fuji waved to Red's mom.

"He's so kind and caring, he even saved Lavender Town!" Exclaimed Reina.

"Yes, it's so nice to know that my Red is so dependable. Oh, please excuse me. I have to finish making lunch. It was nice to meet you both!"

"Nice to meet you! I am Mr. Fuji!"

"And my name's Reina!"

"Awesome! Again, nice to finally meet you, Mr. Fuji, and little Reina!" As soon as Red's mother left, Red couldn't help but laugh a little.

"Uh. Heh. I hope you guys didn't mind that."

"Not at all. Your mother has a very pleasant personality." Mr. Fuji then got up. "You two can finish up your conversation. Once you're done, Reina, please see me in my office. It's nothing bad. Just want a little... eh, chat."

"Will do, Mr. Fuji!" Reina shouted, as Red chuckled a bit.

"So, Reina, how are things at the Pokémon House? How's Cubone?" Red asked Reina, knowing that she probably had some stories to tell.

"Things are just fine here, Red. Although..." Reina started looking away, focusing on Cubon's dish.

"Although, what?" Asked Red, grabbing Reina’s attention.

"Uh. Nothing. Really." Jumped Reina.

"Uh, ok. Hey, listen. I've got a little pamphlet of the Pokémon I caught, all printed out. I have a feeling I'll be dropping by, and when I do, I'll give you the pamphlet." Red briefly showed Reina the results of his hard work.

"Hey, Red? When I get a little older, uh..." Reina smiled, and tapped the table rapidly.

"What's up?" Red asked the young volunteer.

"Uh... well... I was wondering... could you... show me around some places? My parents are considering letting me travel all around the country, but, I'll need someone to go with, and after I suggested you, well, they said that it would be great, provided you kept me safe from danger, and all that. I'm really curious about all our cities and towns. And... well, I thought, hey. You know. Uh, thing is, ever since we met... ever since I first saw you... I knew there was something different about you." Reina once again started to look at Cubone's bowl.

"Huh? Different?" Red scratched his head.

"Yeah. Different. Look... it's really hard to explain. I have to go. We'll talk more when you get here, in Lavender Town! And, hey... it would be nice to see where the Great Pokémon League Champion lives, don't you think?" Reina started adjusting her Butterfree hairclip.

"Heh. Yeah! After all, it's the least I can do to offer my thanks to someone who helped me in her own way, to complete the Pokédex." Red tried to look at Reina's face.

"Oh, Red, I hardly did anything." The volunteer gently kicked the carpet.

"Reina, you did more than you realize, and I have been meaning to express my gratitude for that."

"So, we can have a little... date?"

"Huh?"

"Uh! Mr. Fuji's calling me! Gotta go!"

"Ok. Bye."

"Bye!" Reina shook as she pressed the End Call button. "Holy Fearow nests. Can't believe that word slipped out of my mouth."

"Reina? Have you finished your video chat with Red?"

"Uh. Yes, sir. Just gotta freshen up a little."

Meanwhile...

"Huh. She acted a little funny at the end. Her face was-"

"Red?" Red's mom giggled as she walked into the room.

"Yeah. But, how did you know, Mom?"

"Oh. Uh, well, I couldn't help but overhear you and Reina talking. Come on. I think a little chat over lunch will do a world of good. You just need a little bit of help, and I will try my best to help you understand."

"Thanks, Mom. But, are you saying you know something about Mew?"

"Huh? No. I am saying that I think I can help you with understanding your questions about the girl. She is cute as a button, and I would love to meet her, one of these days."

"Huh. I see. Soup's for lunch? I’ll get the bowls."

"If you are unsure, just grab the plastic bowls!"

"Funny, Mom."

Meanwhile, at Lavender Town…

"I can’t believe that I said the word date to Red! Aw, man!" Reina took a breath before heading into Mr. Fuji's office. "Sir? You wanted to chat?"

"No reason to be concerned. I am just… curious about something. Is there anything you want to tell me? Anything at all?"

"L-like what, sir?" Reina looked at her boss, somewhat expecting a lecture from him.

"Anything, Reina. Anything. I am not here to judge you. Perhaps I can help you out with a certain Trainer with whom you spoke on the videophone?"

"Sir? What are you talking about? Red?"

"I think we should have spoken about this a few months ago. You seem to have grown… attached to him."

"I can’t help it. When I think about Red, I feel like I have a few Butterfree around me. I am never going to forget about how determined Red was to saving the town. He never gave up. I just hope that I can see him more. Is it a bad thing? Am I being selfish?"

"Reina… I don’t think it’s selfishness on your part, or Red's. There’s no reason to worry about that. But… it seems that you have been thinking about Red a lot. Again, not that there’s anything wrong with that. All I want you to know is that I am here to talk to you if there’s anything you need to talk about Red."

"Thank you, sir. I will go and finish feeding Cubone."

"Very well, then. I see that the two of you have gotten closer."

"Yeah! All thanks to Red!" Reina's comment earned her a soft sigh from Mr. Fuji.

"Reina, since you and Cubone have been getting closer," Mr. Fuji opened a drawer, and grabbed an empty Pokéball to give to Reina, "I have a request for you. You see," Fuji dropped the ball in Reina’s hand, "The Pokémon House is getting a bit full. Normally, I would not have a problem with keeping Cubone. But… Cubone needs someone to take care of it. Do you love Cubone?"
 
Last edited:

JediMaster362

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Quick question. In File 4: Charizard, Mr. Fuji tells Reina about the Kalos Region. Should I use that as a basis for knowledge of other Regions, like Hoenn and Sinnoh? I am asking, because I am debating whether or not I should stick to Kanto, or use knowledge of Pokémon up to the Kalos Region. To me, it seems like a bit of mentioning the various Regions could be interesting, since it’s possible that Mr. Fuji has international contacts, and that can open up the world of Pokémon to Red.

It sure would be nice to get Feedback on the story, so far, as well as what I am proposing for the future development of the story. I am asking, so I can get input on what I have, so far, on this. Is it good, is it… meh? I am interested, either way, as long as it’s constructive, and not condescending.
 

JediMaster362

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Part 2 - The Search for Mew continues.


(Under development. Please let me know what the story's good and bad points are. Thanks.)
 

silurica

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Hey, there! Welcome to Writer's Workshop!

Here we have the first chapter, where we mostly see interactions and setting up the characters' basic motivations here, though I feel I haven't grasped why Red is doing these beside... just because? Is it the glory? The fun? Something else? It would be nice to learn about this at some point. Meanwhile, Reina is very simple: she likes Red and wants to spend more time with him.

Red seems to be the Red that we know from the games: the child prodigy that achieved Champion status, defeated Team Rocket, and so on and so forth. Reina is a volunteer at Pokemon House who is smitten with Red, presumably since Red helped with the Pokemon Tower case. Mr Fuji seems to be some sort of mentor or parental figure, showing concern about Reina. I hope in future chapters we will learn more about how these characters tick, especially our two main characters.

For the poll question... I don't know, honestly! I think it's still way too early to tell since it's only the first chapter. Do you intend to make them a couple? If that's what you want to do, you should focus on that and write a story that will support the development of their relationship. Do what will make yourself happy.

As for the mechanics of the story, I think there are things that can be worked on. I will only cover the broad strokes here since I don't have the energy to go over everything in details.

The first thing I noticed upon glancing at the fic is how barren of description is. I think the story would be improved if it had more descriptions to set the setting and the characters -- what is going on, how are they like, their motions and gestures (if it's something visible to the POV -- it looks like you want third person omniscient here? Not a POV I have much experience with, admittedly). For example, here:

Before heading out, however, Red got permission from his mother to contact a number in Lavender Town.

Perhaps it would've been better if it showed Red getting the permission, and while at it you can also show a little of how he interacts with his mother and a glimpse into their relationship. Alternatively, if he received the permission before the story began, maybe you can describe Red remembering about it. It doesn't have to be too elaborate; a little something to breathe more life will do as starter. It would help making it feel more like something that happened and less like an unimportant summary.

Also I recommend reading about dialogue punctuations, since I noticed what you do with 'em isn't quite standard English. The workshop writing academy discussed this with some examples here and here.

Using an example from your story, this one:
"Can someone get that? I am a little busy at the moment!" Shouted Mr. Fuji.

"Yes, sir! I'll get it! Huh? It's from Pallet Town?" The young girl answered. "Hello?"

The correct way to punctuate this is:
"Can someone get that? I am a little busy at the moment!" shouted Mr. Fuji.

"Yes, sir! I'll get it! Huh? It's from Pallet Town?" The young girl answered, "Hello?"

More on dialogue and paragraph, it would be a good idea to vary how they're structured. It helps in maintaining attention to the story since the reader's eyes may glaze over when seeing something that looks too similar. Variety is the spice of life! It can help in delivering information more clearly too, like here:

When I catch Mew, I will show it to you."

"Really? That's awesome!" Just then, footsteps were audible to Red.

"Are my ears deceiving me, or did I hear you say Mew?" Mr. Fuji shouted as he entered the room.

I thought this was confusing. Generally, a new paragraph is started when there is a change in topic or speaker. The second line in particular feels jarring since it's Reina's line, but the action is Red's and there was nothing suggesting that Reina was still speaking beside the conversation order, so in my distracted state (my brain gets distracted often) there was a brief moment when I thought it was Red speaking.

I suggest structuring this into something like:
"Sorry. Hey, look. When I catch Mew, I will show it to you."

"Really? That's awesome!"

Just then, Red heard footsteps from the speaker and recognized the voice following it: Mr Fuji, shouting as he entered the room, "Are my ears deceiving me, or did I hear you say Mew?"

(Mind that this is only one example I whipped up quickly. There may be different or perhaps better ways of doing this depending on how you picture and describe the scene and the characters.)

On changing between scenes, I see you used "Meanwhile...". It would've been different if this was a comic where visuals could do the heavy lifting, but this isn't terribly effective in prose, so it should be replaced by using scene break and a description indicating the shift in scene. Alternatively, simply do away with it entirely and use the scene break only. You can see some examples of scene break here, if you don't know what the term refers to.

Lastly, I suggest learning from reading the works of other authors. Published stories are good since they often have tighter grammar and structure editing, but if that disinterests you, this forum also has some nice stories. As a bonus, if you review the fanfics here, you may even get the favor returned with a comment/review of your story too!

Good luck!
 

Torchic W. Pip

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I was recommended this fic because I need something short to read, and wouldn’t you know, it’s a ship fic! A rare pair ship fic at that, too! Two of my favorite things. So um… hello from a fellow ship fic/rare pair writer? This seems like a pretty interesting ship to explore!

First of all, I second everything Sil said before me, and they phrased everything better than I ever could, so I won’t repeat what they said. (I also can’t quote anything at the moment lol). There was one typo in your fic where “Cubon” should be “Cubone”.

Okay onto the relationship itself.

I’ll admit I haven’t watched Origins in years, so I found the beginning a bit… confusing? Context and exposition is super important to ship fics, especially ones that take place before the couple becomes a… well, a couple. Has Reina been following Red’s journey to catch ‘em all? Has Red been seeing Reina when he goes to Lavender Town? Even just a few sentences of “the two had met blah blah blah ago and they sometimes blah blah blahed” could help a lot.

There’s also a lot of telling and not showing in this fic. Sil touches on this in their review, but it would add a lot to the characters’ personalities to show some things.

There’s also a few epithets here and there: “the one that saved the Pokémon Tower” and “the Pokémon League Champion”. Epithets are kind of a personal pet peeve of mine, so take this with a grain of salt, but epithets—especially longer ones—can be a bit distracting.

Seems we have an interesting set up of Red trying to find Mew. Will Reina tag along? Will Team Rocket come back? Will someone admit their feelings? I’m interested in finding out!
 

System Error

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Wanted to read this, didn't read this, but now since review challenge, I'm reading it!

- I guess he didn't get the Master Ball for saving Silph right away.
- Hey the Cubone from the tower
- tfw his mom can't get a name
- Hm, thought Reina was old enough, but maybe she's a little girl? Or maybe she is Red's age
- Fuji being a wingoldman
- Ahhh, this is originsverse, thought she was an OC

There are a lot of typos and grammatical errors in the fic that need fixing. Still, it is a nice first chapter setting things up and a fancy ship to boot. And picking up on the fact that there is actually one more to catch to really complete the Pokedex. Hope to see more of it.
 
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