pokemon rescue team: adventure of a starly!

[Librarium]

Yep. Titles. This is my first fic ever. So, if its pretty lame, I'm Sorry. And my english is bad, so if you having trouble reading, I'm Sorry. Well, here we go!

Prologue.

The storm raging, the thunder came crashing, heavy rain pour down. The storm is really rough.
"Son, I must leave, take care." Said wind, the staraptor. He spread his wings wide, ready to take flight, as the torrential rain pour down. "But father, why do you should leave? I did nothing wrong! Father, please!" He cried. a young starly cried, begging to his father for not leaving. "Son, I must go. When a staravia evolve into a staraptor, he must live alone. Please understand son." Then, as fast as the wind, as light as a feather, he fly. Leaving his son behind in the nest. "THIS IS UNFAIR!! WHY DO YOU LEAVE?!" he shouted, loud enough to be heard by all pokemon across sinnoh. The young starly fly, in hope to catch up with his father, but in vain. His small wings cannot carry him in the middle of a storm. He fell down, "am I going to die here?" He thought after he fell down, he closed his eyes, in hope for his father to come and help him, but sadly, no one came to help him. "Father... Am I going to die here?"

3 days later

"Hey, are you alright?" A faint voice wake him up. He slowly opened his eyes, hardly recognizing what happened. "W-what happened? Father, where's my father?!" The young starly jumped off the bed. "Owww! My wings!" He fell down. He saw his wings, his wing broke, because he fell down 3 days ago. "Hey, what's the rush? You not yet recovered." The chimchar carry him to the bed. "My name is train. What's yours?" "I'm breeze." Said the starly to the chimchar. "Where am I?" "This is my home. My sister left, she go to the nearest town to bough some medicine for you" "you have a sister?" "Yes, a kirlia" "a kirlia?" Breeze asked in surprise. He think why does a chimchar have a kirlia sister. "My mother and my father died 7 years ago. they have a rescue team. They died in a mission." "I'm Sorry."
The door opened. A female kirlia entered, carrying a bag full of medicine and food. "Whew, I'm home, train." "Welcome home sister." "Oh, the starly has wake up? What's your name, starly? My name is grace." "I'm breeze. Where is this?" "Its our home, route 203. Train saw you fell down in front of our house, so we help you. Actually, this is a rescue team base. But we haven't got any mission. We just started anyway, ha ha." "Let me join your rescue team!" Breeze, the starly suddenly asked to join, "let me join! I want to be a rescue team member!" "But why would you join?" Train asked in surprise, he think nobody would join their team. "I want to help people, like you two help me. And one day, when I'm evolve into a staravia, I should be able to find my dad!" "Well then, welcome to our rescue team!" Grace said happily.

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Any comment? Critique? Suggestion? Insult?

 

[an illegible mess.]

This needs some serious work dude. :/ The grammar is a mess, but otherwise your spelling is fair. This could really become an interesting story if you improved on your grammar and slowed it down a bit. I mean, I don't even know what the Starly, his father, or Chimchar looks like. Where are they? How do they sound? How do they smell? Details are needed all the time. A story with no detail is not a story at all.

 

[menametlg]

Hm... interesting...

just a little suggestion... try to use enter... It kinda messy.

Anyway you can do more better if you practice

 

[White Len]

"My mother and my father died 7 years ago. they have a rescue team. They died in a mission."

This sentence right here is very messy. First you talk about your parents dying, to how they have a rescue team, and then back to them dying. To sort out this mess, start with the not so sinister.

"My parents had their own rescue team, but seven years ago, they died while on a mission".

Note that it slowly builds until he reveals that they are dead. This way it doesn't seem like they're just talking randomly.

Overall, I don't have very much to comment on the story. It's an interesting take on Mystery Dungeon, given that half of them ripoff the original plot without a second glance.

 

[Librarium]

I know, pretty meh right? I wrote it in my language, so I have trouble translating it into English. I'll edit it later. Thanks

 

[W0lverine123]

I love the concept, and I'm sure this could be a great story - my two biggest problems with it, and possibly the most important problems I can see, are the capitalization and paragraphing. I took the first chunk of text I saw and decided to use it as an example, if I may.

The storm raging, the thunder came crashing, heavy rain pour down. The storm is really rough.
"Son, I must leave, take care." Said wind, the staraptor. He spread his wings wide, ready to take flight, as the torrential rain pour down. "But father, why do you should leave? I did nothing wrong! Father, please!" He cried. a young starly cried, begging to his father for not leaving. "Son, I must go. When a staravia evolve into a staraptor, he must live alone. Please understand son." Then, as fast as the wind, as light as a feather, he fly.

I underlined the capitalization errors. the best way I can see to really show how to correct it is by showing you how I would have formatted it (I'm just editing capitalization, punctuation, and paragraphing right now, mind you).

The storm raging, the thunder came crashing, heavy rain pour down. The storm is really rough.

"Son, I must leave, take care," said Wind, the staraptor. He spread his wings wide, ready to take flight, as the torrential rain pour down.

"But father, why do you should leave? I did nothing wrong! Father, please!" he cried. A young starly cried, begging to his father for not leaving.

"Son, I must go. When a staravia evolve into a staraptor, he must live alone. Please understand son." Then, as fast as the wind, as light as a feather, he fly.

There are still mistakes riddled through it, though, I'm sorry to say.

But don't get lost in the criticism (hopefully constructive?); I truly love the story itself. I hope to see where all of this leads. It is rather unique compared to most Mystery Dungeon stories.