Pokemon:The Final Chapter

[Meerkat Revolution]

Chapter One​

The sun was rising, it was Ash’s twelfth birthday and as he entered the dining room on that bright summer morning he saw his mother reading a letter, a shocked look in her eye. “Ash dear, do you remember what I told you about your father,” asked his mother. “Of course mum,” said Ash “You said he was hunting for pokemon with my Uncle Darren and our pet Meowth, Martin when he went missing in Viridian forest.”
Delia gazed out of the window, not making eye contact with her son as she spoke “You should read this Ash, it’s for you.” said his mum. Delia handed the letter to her son and Ash stared at the letter then looked at his mother, then Ash read the letter aloud. “My dearest nephew, I have not seen you in many years but I am alive, I cannot tell you my location for your own safety. But I will warn you those, who watch me are watching you, be careful, keep your wits about you, and never, ever go to the Pokemon Mansion. Best wishes, Uncle Darren” Ash was disturbed, his uncle had been missing for twelve years and everyone thought he was dead, and if his uncle was alive his dad might be too. He just gave his mother a quick glance and she instantly knew what he was thinking, without a word Ash walked out of the door with only his backpack on his back, his pokeballs on his belt and Pikachu by his side. He was on his way to Pewter City to meet Brock, then to Cerulean City to meet Misty, and then he would catch a ferry to the Pokemon Mansion on Cinnabar Island. He’d have to catch the S.S. SeaSteed from Vermillion City, and it would be quite a long way to go on foot but he had done it before and he would do it again. Meanwhile Jessie James and Meowth were tailing Ash from a distance, Meowth wouldn’t tell Jessie and James what was making him so interested in Ash but they had guessed it was to do with what Ash said to his mum. They’re guess was correct, Meowth wanted to know more about Ash’s old pet, a Meowth called Martin.

 

[Gama]

First of all, this is just a wall of text.

Put a blank line between each paragraph and start a new paragraph each time somebody speaks please. That will make it easier to read in this format.

Also, this is very short for a whole chapter and this is coming from someone who writes notoriously short chapters.

The shortness doesn't seem to be because nothing happens though. Yes, not a lot happens but just about enough happens. You just seem to rush past most of what happens.

Perhaps a flashback to Ash's last memories with his father? Or even something about Ash's father saying goodbye to him before he left for the last time ever? Why are Ash and his mother so nonplussed by the letter?

There's not even any thought process between the letter saying 'Never ever ever go to the Pokemon Mansion' and Ash setting off for the Pokemon Mansion. Is it standard practice for Ash to just do the opposite of whatever his uncle tells him or does he have a particular reason in this instance?

The whole Team Rocket part at the end could also do with a hell of a lot more detail. You could have a whole conversation between the three of them where they're already tailing Ash where Jesse and James are trying to guess why Meowth is so adamant they follow Ash. Not forgetting, why are Jesse and James so quick to obey Meowth since he gives them no explanation whatsoever?

Also, look up their, there and they're - that last "they're" in your chapter should have been "their".

 

[Meerkat Revolution]

sorry about the first chapter, this is my first fanfic and i lacked inspiration for this first chapter. the next chapter will be lots better.Thank-you gastly's mama for your help

 

[Zekurom]

Gastly's Mama reviewed the general stuff, I'll go over a few of the specifics:

“Of course mum,” said Ash. “You said he was hunting for Pokémon with my Uncle Darren and our pet Meowth, Martin, when he went
missing in Viridian forest.”

This seems like a strange way to introduce details. It's not usual to just put them inline in the text - it makes the conversation seem forced, and makes it obvious the point of disbelief that you're trying to give us Ash's pet Meowth's name through the character's speech.

You could even have a separate paragraph describing Martin, but the way you're doing it now... I can show you an extreme example of what would happen.

“Of course mum,” said Ash. “You said he was hunting for Pokémon with my Uncle Darren and our pet Meowth, Martin, who was 6 years old at the time and has a scar on his left eye when he went missing in Viridian forest.”

You get the point.

Delia handed the letter to her son and Ash stared at the letter then looked at his mother, then Ash read the letter aloud.

Two problems here. You're using "her son" and "Ash", when you could just be using a pronoun. The way you're writing it now seems forced and over-the-top.

Also, you keep using the words "and" and "then", when these actions could have been split into multiple sentences.

But I will warn you those, who watch me are watching you, be careful, keep your wits about you, and never, ever go to the Pokemon Mansion.

This seems like an oddly specific request while the background of the story is so general. It sticks out too much.

He’d have to catch the S.S. SeaSteed from Vermillion City, and it would be quite a long way to go on foot but he had done it before and he would do it again. Meanwhile Jessie James and Meowth were tailing Ash from a distance,

This switch just seems weird. You're going into detail describing what Ash is planning to do - but not even a segue, and you just cut to Jessie, James, and Meowth stalking Ash.

Also, one thing that Gastly's Mama didn't catch - you keep on using run-on sentences. Some of the sentences that you're joining with commas should be sentences by themselves.

Here, I'll even help try and rewrite it for you. A warning, though - it might not be your style:

The sun was rising. It was Ash’s twelfth birthday, and as he entered the dining room on that bright summer morning he saw his mother reading a letter, a shocked look in her eye.

“Ash dear, do you remember what I told you about your father?” asked his mother.
“Of course mum,” said Ash. “You said he was hunting for Pokémon with my Uncle Darren and our pet Meowth when he went
missing in Viridian forest.”

Delia gazed out of the window, not making eye contact with her son as she spoke. “You should read this Ash, it’s for you,” said his mum.

Delia handed the letter to Ash. He stared at the letter and then looked at his mother, and then read the letter aloud.

“My dearest nephew, I have not seen you in many years but I am alive. I cannot tell you my location for your own safety. But I will warn you: those who watch me are watching you. Be careful, keep your wits about you, and never, ever go to the Pokémon Mansion. Best wishes, Uncle Darren.”

Ash was disturbed. His uncle had been missing for twelve years and everyone thought he was dead. And if his uncle was alive, his dad might be too.

He gave his mother a quick glance and she instantly knew what he was thinking. Without a word, Ash walked out of the door with only his backpack on his back, his pokeballs on his belt and Pikachu by his side. He was on his way to Pewter City to meet Brock, then to Cerulean City to meet Misty. Then he would catch a ferry to the Pokemon Mansion on Cinnabar Island. He’d have to take the S.S. SeaSteed from Vermillion City. It would be a long way to go on foot but he had done it before and he would do it again.

As he planned this trip out in his head, Jessie, James, and Meowth were tailing Ash from a distance.

"So, remind me again, Meowth, why are we tailing Ash again?" said Jessie.
"Yes, Meowth, why are we following Ash when the other twerps aren't there?" added James.
"The same reason we always do, you guys," said Meowth. "To get that Pikachu!"

But Meowth had other reasons for tailing Ash. He wouldn’t tell Jessie and James what was making him so interested in Ash but they had guessed it was to do with what Ash said to his mum. Their guess was correct - Meowth wanted to know more about Ash’s old pet Meowth, whose name he knew was Martin.

 

[Gama]

sorry about the first chapter, this is my first fanfic and i lacked inspiration for this first chapter. the next chapter will be lots better.Thank-you gastly's mama for your help

Oh there's no need to apologise, everyone has to start somewhere. I hope that didn't come off as too critical.

My advice at this stage would probably be to try and edit Chapter 1. It's still early enough for that to be a viable option.

I can see the story you're trying to tell and it seems interesting but I think you just need to go a little deeper into it.

 

[RaccoonGoon]

I'm going to say what the others said- Space it out and work on lenght. You won't believe how many more people will read it that way.

 

[Meerkat Revolution]

thank-you for re-writing the first chapter for me zekurom, would you mind if i used it and re-posted it as chapter one? i will give credit at the end of the chapter

 

[White Len]

thank-you for re-writing the first chapter for me zekurom, would you mind if i used it and re-posted it as chapter one? i will give credit at the end of the chapter

That is generally not a good idea. You should try rewriting it yourself so you can get a better feel of how to write, and so you can include those little ideas in your head that Zekrom would never be able to catch.

 

[Legacy]

That is generally not a good idea. You should try rewriting it yourself so you can get a better feel of how to write, and so you can include those little ideas in your head that Zekrom would never be able to catch.

Agreed. Take advice you get from people here (if you think it's good) and apply it yourself to your writing. The ultimate goal here is to improve yourself as a writer, so yeah.... treat the advice you get as that and try to use it to better yourself.

As for your story, it's a good concept, so you have the foundation of something pretty good here. Zekurom and Gastly's Mama are two of the most talented writers in this community, so take their advice and I think you'll do fine.

 

[Zekurom]

That is generally not a good idea. You should try rewriting it yourself so you can get a better feel of how to write, and so you can include those little ideas in your head that Zekrom would never be able to catch.

Zekurom, not Zekrom. I cherish the difference ^_^

But besides that, I completely agree with this. You can do it if you're really desperate, but I'd strongly advise trying to rewrite it yourself.

Also, a little note - even if I do give you permission, the staff on here might take it as plagiarism, so it would be best to try and rewrite it yourself, just based on what I've written.

 

[Lugion]

Just go slow when you write. Think about place yourself in your main character's shoes. What would he see? What would he hear? What would he feel? How would he speak? How would he feel about the other characters? These should all be incorporated. However, you don't want to go overboard with description. If it's not important to the story, don't dwell on it.

True creative talent will flow rather naturally from you if you allow it. But even then, you will have to put thought into each word you type.

 

[Zekurom]

True creative talent will flow rather naturally from you if you allow it. But even then, you will have to put thought into each word you type.

I'd say each sentence, not each word.

I personally don't think about each word - only a few special ones. I tend to think in sentences and paragraphs.

 

[Lugion]

I'd say each sentence, not each word.

I personally don't think about each word - only a few special ones. I tend to think in sentences and paragraphs.

I suppose you're right. Although an ill-chosen word or two can sometimes break an entire chapter.

 

[Meerkat Revolution]

thanks for all of your advice. i will finish the fanfic before i post any more

 

[Gama]

thanks for all of your advice. i will finish the fanfic before i post any more

Do you mean you're going to finish writing every chapter before you post Chapter 1?

If so, I strongly advise against that. There's nothing wrong with being a few chapters ahead of what you're posting - I do that so that I don't end up leaving weeks between updates but if you write the entire thing you'll miss out on some valuable feedback. When I was writing Rival's Story, I improved so much between the beginning and the end and I think a big part of that was because of the fantastic feedback that I got from the readers.

 

[Meerkat Revolution]

no i'll ask for beta readers when i'mn finished then post the story afer