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POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 20 - Route One Rumble!)

Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I felt that the bit at the end with everyone going off together was kinda cheesy :/

Sorry, but just my opinion.
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Great work with chap. 17 and 18 Leg! I really enjoyed the two of 'em and I'm looking forward to chapter 19 ^^
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I just finished reading chapter 10.

For the most part, it was really awesome. The only chapter that I had a little harder time dealing with was 10...

Anyhow, I found Ash's being shot wonderfully written especially on the chapter when it was used as a cliffhanger. I especially enjoyed how you written in Pikachu's innocent perspective up until he understood, that being when he saw what truly happened on the news. Everyone's reactions were realistic... ^_^.

Using Johanna as Delia's comfort was a nice use for her character.

I also liked how you used a four jewel pendant to symbolize Arceus and his four beast...

But onto Chaptee 10:
I found the chapter to be oddly written... The style not quite matching the emotions meant for it.
This chapter had the same problem as the prologue. The overdose of descriptions took away a lot during the story.
I think if you spent more time on describing Misty's emotions rather than the outside, this chappie wouldve been much more effective.
While I believe descriptions are important, I believe descriptions must be used subjectively to emotions you want the reader to feel. Whether it's romantic, suspenseful, deep thought, or hatred... Sometimes these descriptions give more than what's said or the action done.
The dialogue between Misty and the four beast... Was awkward. I believe seeing Misty's thoughts wouldve helped a lot without actually quoting her, just describing the way her mind works.
------
The last part of the chapter was better than the rest but it still lacked something...
-----

other than that, I really enjoyed those five chapters I read.... I'm gonna try to review each chapter separately now so that you can have more reviews from me and more effective reviews.

Oh there's a part where you meant to say Misty but you wrote May grabbed Ash's hand... I've done that a few times myself:...

I really did enjoy 6-10 a lot. I felt it for the most part and I liked everyone's interaction together.

Thanks for writing such an awesome story:
Until Next Time
- Neo
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Next chapter coming up soon leg?
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Please stop pestering him about it. He'll have one up when he has one up.


Why do you hate me? Other people ask authors when the next chapter is coming all the time, yet I'm the only one you yell at?

Is it because I don't agree all the time with how you run the awards?
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Why do you hate me? Other people ask authors when the next chapter is coming all the time, yet I'm the only one you yell at?

Is it because I don't agree all the time with how you run the awards?
You have asked twice in the last page alone. It could count as pressuring Legacy to update again, and, well, no fanfiction writer is ever a full-time writer of their fics... We're only asking you for a little bit of patience. The next chapter will come eventually, just wait, hon :)
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

You have asked twice in the last page alone. It could count as pressuring Legacy to update again, and, well, no fanfiction writer is ever a full-time writer of their fics... We're only asking you for a little bit of patience. The next chapter will come eventually, just wait, hon :)

Fair enough. Sorry.

For what it's worth though, I think you are the best mod out of all of them in this forum. You at least explain your rulings/statements and don't hold grudges. You seem to actually take the mod position seriously and don't get annoyed by having to put the work in.

Kudos Kayi, and sorry for causing trouble :(
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

All right! After coming back on the forums, I decided to catch up with this, and I must say, the newer chapters are just as incredible, if not more so, than the earlier chapters. This is a really really good story. I'm enjoying reading this and I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this.
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Yeah thanks for all the reviews guys. I should be getting Chapter 19 up within the next few days. Sorry, been busy with work.
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I picked a good time to start reading this; it's storming outside :)
Since this is very good as it is, I'm going to be awfully picky!
I've only read the first chapter, but it looks interesting already!


Accompanying the sheets of rain were blustery winds which howled like a starving Houndour.
I don't think I would put “accompanying” by sheets of rain like that. While this isn’t really a major issue, I just think it sounds too casual for a torrential rainstorm.

Huge, white-hot crackles of electricity zinged all around the turbulent sky, high above the tallest trees which partially shielded the forest floor from much of the pouring rain and muffled the deafening roar of the storm.
I like this description too, it’s clever. But if I had it my way, I would take out “zinged all around”. . . maybe shot through the black night (you don’t have to say black night but it enhances the darkness factor) works better here.


The enormous forest, which stretched on for many miles, consisted of thousands of towering trees. From the ground, the sky was barely visible except for a few open patches here and there, but bright flashes of lightning still managed to briefly illuminate the forest's underbelly from the heavens.
Again with my pickiness, eliminate “which” and maybe say something along the lines of “The dense, vast forest that stretched on for many miles was overgrown with thousands of towering trees”. “Which”, to me, is just another way of saying “by the way”, and seems to be just too relaxed.


Only a few varieties of bugs and rodents scurried about the forest, barely visible in the darkness.
I sincerely hope “bugs” and “rodents” aren’t referring to animals.
If not, I still wouldn’t use those words anyway, because people can usually specifically identify a species of Pokemon; rodent would be used for just any little furry animal in general.

And those were the only things I could pick out in the chapter . . . very good! I will continue to nit-pick when I can!
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I decided to read chapter eleven before o started cleaning up... This, by far, was my favorite chapter. It had the emotion of a KEY produced anime (Clannad, Air, Kanon)... But if you've never watched those shows then you'd have no clue to what I'm talking about.

I suggest you watch them if you ever have the time. Amazing shows and also in America, it's produced by Funimation so it makes for good voice acting.

Back to the review, did a Misty on this chapter here, I loved the characterization of Misty--her random other thoughts that would be seemingly natural for someone to think about even in the urgent situation.

I felt for Dawn and Delia, the double d's. Lol... Wait, that kinda sounds inappropiate.

My favorite part had been the ending though when Ash woke up and called out to Misty. Just a beautiful moment. My eyes dilated reading it. And it worked because of the well-execution of that moment, the moment that Misty finally hears his voice again in person after two years...

You made it work beause of all the stress that's been on Misty since chapter one and then on this chapter, after feeling as if she failed him, wishing she never ran away that one day, and then the pace of talking about how she went back to the hospital, having lost all hope, no dreams involving these great creatures (whom stood for hope in Misty's mind), the great horrendous nightmares that plagued her...

then...

"Misty, are you okay?"

This is where description can be described as well-used, perfectly executed music score to a scene. Why? Because while dialogue can be sad in itself, its the music that sets up the watcher's heart. Your music in your fic (the description) gave the reader the feeling that after all this, Ash (the boy whose adventures have all been life-threatening and has saved the world at times) had his final moments just to be nothing more because of some jerk.

After all those years, Misty wouldn't be able to say even a meaningful goodbye.

Then your music lifted and like violins playing on it's higher notes, the trumpets blazing lively, and the drums of suspense come to a halt with his words.

As you can probably tell, I did love that ending to this chapter. I especially liked that at the end you focused on emotional descriptions moreso than physical which made it much more emotional than usual. It truly felt like a miracle.

I'll read the next chapter later.

Until Next Time,
Smile :),
Neo
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Wow I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree with everything Neo said just not smart enough to say it.
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I like it! this is a beast story
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Hey thanks guys/gals for reading. I always say this, but I really appreciate it. I'm working on Chapter 19 right now, hope to get it done soon, but work is taking over my life haha.

Anyways, just a reminder that the Writers Workshop Second Quarterly Awards are in the last few days of voting. I appreciate everyone who has shown this story some love in the voting. I'm seriously honored to even be mentioned with the likes of Gastly's Mama, Zekurom, and the other amazing authors on this site.

But if you have yet to vote, please do so. All the authors on this site work extremely hard to produce great works of literary art. So show your appreciation by going to the Voting Thread and casting your vote for your favorites! The Power Inside is eligible for a few categories, but go vote for whichever are your favorites!
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I'm gettin giddy to read more Leggy. I mean you can sense that the story is about to really get exciting. I would like to see more battling though :)
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

I really hope we get to hear about why Hooh always appeared to Ash (in the anime) when he was 10, because I get the sense that's where this is headed. After all, Ash saw Hooh in Sapphire City.
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Sorry everybody, I have Chapter 19 nearly finished, but haven't been able to find a whole lot of time to just sit and finish the damn thang. Chapter 19 finally begins to answer a few questions about the 'New Team Rocket's' motives. So yeah... stay tuned.
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Is it still
Giovanni and Ho-oh?
 
Re: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 18 - Sacred Fire)

Is it still
Giovanni and Ho-oh?

You will have to read to find out. But for those who have read ASL, let me assure you that there are going to start being some very big differences as TPI's plot is starting to branch into its own starting with Chapter 19!
 
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