TEEN: POKEMON: The Scales of Astrea (3/7/16: CHAPTER FOUR)

[Kelleo]

Oh, okay. And as usual, super hero shows are way too short...

 

[Dorothy]

Posting to note that Astrea, Nico, and Schwarz are all nominees in the 2014 Summer Awards Fingers crossed, but it's an honor just to be nominated!

 

[SerenaKetchum]

Well deserved, Jabberwocky!

 

[Flaze]

This chapter took me a lot longer to read than it should've, and it was mostly on my end for not just sitting down and reading it. Now, the highlight for me in this chapter was Schwarz as the others have pointed out, I liked the fact we got some more backstory on her character which is really interesting. That being said I do wonder where her personality will develop, it makes her stand out and intrigues me in regards to her characters, but I'll wait a bit more to decide on what to think of her character.

Aside from that I kind of found the chapter a bit stale, I mean it really seems like Schwarz's part was the highlight of the chapters, the battle between Darwin and Emma was pretty good, but there's just something off about them. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but it's like the battles are a bit stale for me, like they go by a bit too quickly. I mean yeah, these are starting trainers so you can't expect some big show so maybe it's just me.

We found out a bit more about Darwin's personality in this chapter, I like him a lot more now xD as for Nico...I thought the beginning of the chapter was funny when she lamented her food being gone, aside from that I don't have much to say about her in this chapter.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards feedback: - Please note I only focussed on Schwarz, will try and read the story itself at a later point.

It is a bit difficult to judge Schwarz after only two brief appearances. There are a lot of suggestions about her past life, but so far nothing has been revealed and I cannot really judge her on those. I think she is interesting, being a female thief which I do not see in fan fiction much, and there were some good one liners throughout her appearances.

Again, I cannot really judge too deeply since she has scarcely appeared, but I think that in order for her to be a proper antagonist, she should have more to do with Nicolasa rather than going off on her own side adventures. I am sure there will be improvement and more depth later on in the series, but so far I was not massively blown away by her. I would not recommend entering her into Awards consideration until there is more of an antagonist element to look at - but you do have until December, so I expect there will be more to this tale by then.

 

[Beth Pavell]

And my feedback:

Depth
It's unfortunate that, at this early stage in the story, Schwarz's depth has to be hinted at rather than spelt out. It seems that from Chapter 3 she has certainly got an independent mind, independent enough to actively work against her former colleagues.

Originality
In Schwarz we seem to have an ex-evil team grunt who decided not to go ahead with the standard team dogma. She's an action girl, but without being over the top about it. Her dialogue when interacting with Nicolasa is something of a let-down, therefore, since it is more or less what you'd expect from the Rival Jerkass cliché

Entertainment Value
She's not boring to read about, but I'm not completely hooked either. Again, the battle with Nicolasa rather lets her down – it's not a bad battle, but I don't get a sense of Schwarz being much more than, well, Silver from HG/SS. And that is a shame, because Chapter 3 rolls around and suddenly Schwarz gets a lot more interresting.

Contribution to Plot
Not a lot that can be said for this so far – Schwarz propels Nicolasa to choose her first pokémon and suffer her first loss, but beyond that Schwarz's own plot runs parallel rather than woven with the main story.

Constructive Criticism
This entry rather does highlight the difference between being a judge and being a reader. Schwarz is a character that can grow on you, I think. The key is in balancing up the independent action girl tropes with some real heart - personally I think that if you can believe in an archetype as a character then you won't mind that they are archetypal. Or to put it another way, tropes aren't bad

 

[Dorothy]

The next chapter is coming, though slowly. College and shit. For now, let's have another Pokedex update to bridge the gap!

Pokedex Update #3: 22 - 52

Lot of reruns before we get to the next new Pokemon!

#22 - 23 are Paras and Parasect.

#24 is Relicanth.

#25 - 26 are Skitty and Delcatty.

# 27 is Mawile.

#28 - 29 are Espurr and Meowstic.

Spoiler

#30 - Heles. Omen Pokemon. Ghost. 3'09".

These ghastly Pokemon make their homes in the ruins of buildings destroyed by fires, floods, and other accidents. At one time, it was thought that they were the spirits of those who died in the accidents, or that they caused the accidents themselves.

#31 - 32 are Skiddo and Gogoat.

# 33 - 35 are Seedot, Nuzleaf, and Shiftry.

#36 - 37 are Teddiursa and Ursaring (the symbol of the Alta region).

Spoiler

#38 - Moldrum. Mold Pokemon. Grass. 2'03".

Moldrum make their homes in the temperate rainforests of the Alta region, and love anywhere damp and cool. They can be a nuisance for rural homeowners, as they often make themselves at home in basements, where they breed copiously.

Spoiler

#39 - Slimold. Mold Pokemon. Grass. 4'07".

Slimold rarely stand upright, preferring to ooze along the forest floor, ensnaring prey in their goop. Legends speak of an enormous, ancient Slimold deep in Talltree Forest, so old and so powerful that it can grant wishes.

# 40 is Heracross.

Spoiler

#41 - Volhare. Fire Rabbit Pokemon. Fire. 2'00".

Volhare are as at home in pleasant meadows as they are on the foothills of a volcano. Energetic Pokemon, they will eat practically anything they can to maintain their energy levels. This extends to human food, much to the consternation of campers.

Spoiler

#42 - Jumflame. Fire Rabbit Pokemon. Fire. 2'06".

Jumflame are agile and speedy, and love to race one another for fun. Their back legs are extremely powerful, and can shatter bones with ease. Care is advised when holding a Jumflame, even a domesticated one.

Spoiler

#43 - Amalurgh. Enlightened Pokemon. Fairy/Flying. 4'06".

Amalurgh are serene Pokemon, gliding through the air with grace and calm. They are rare, and it is said that anyone who spots an Amalurgh may be blessed with existential wisdom.

Spoiler

#44 - Serrañero. Mild Pepper Pokemon. Grass/Fire. 1'01".

Serrañero are happy Pokemon, and are rarely seen without a smile on their face. For many years they were captured and used as food, but this practice has since been banned.

Spoiler

#45 - Speppic. Spicy Pepper Pokemon. Grass/Fire. 3'02".

Speppic can generate a level of heat equal to a furnace inside its body, making it too hot for predators to touch. Curiously, Speppic, as well as its pre-evolved form, have demonstrated the ability to manipulate electric currents that take the form of flames. The reason for this is unknown.

# 46 is Carnivine.

#47 - 48 are Wingull and Pelipper.

#49 - 50 are Joltik and Galvantula.

Spoiler

#51 - Crimol. Burrowing Pokemon. Bug. 1'05".

Crimol dig tunnels under the ground, where they live in groups of up to eight. Crimol's diet consists mainly of iron ore, internalizing the metal for use upon evolution.

Spoiler

#52 - Armket. Armor Plating Pokemon. Bug/Steel. 4'07".

Upon evolving, Armket move above the ground, where they hunt smaller Bug Pokemon - including Crimol - for food. Their armor is equal parts chitin and iron, and would require an enormous amount of force to even crack.

As I said, Chapter Four is coming, and hopefully will be done before long. Thanks for your patience!

 

[Dorothy]

After a brief absence, The Scales of Astrea returns! We pick up where we left off, with Darwin and Nico entering the vibrant, tree-filled metropolis known as Goldpan City! But first, perhaps we should check in with Schwarz. It has been a while, after all.

Chapter Four: When Darwin Met Nico​

The blue bat flapped its wings frantically to stay aloft before its new master. Zubat’s eagerness to please was a good sign to Schwarz that it was adjusting to its new life. It was unfortunate that they had to meet under such circumstances, but perhaps she and the little flying rat could become close, maybe even friends. She would like to think it possible. She had been friends with her old Pokemon back when she was with Team --


...Back before she had been forced to leave all of that behind.


She remembered them all. Platoxic. Garbodor. Goatax. Moadvent. She wondered how they were doing now. What they were doing now. She cursed herself for the mistakes she’d made trying to escape headquarters, the mistakes which had prevented her from bringing her Pokemon - her friends - along.


She shook her head to dispel those thoughts. They did her no good now. What was past was past; it was the present she needed to worry about. Schwarz returned Zubat to its Poke Ball and gazed from the rooftop at the city below, sparkling with a yellow glow as the clock struck midnight. from here she could see, in the distance, the cobbled paths and verdant fields of Route 22. That was her destination.


That was where she would find some answers.

//////////////​

Goldpan City. It had been a long time since Darwin Tapia had seen its elegant deco buildings and the imposing trees that lined its streets. Goldpan was famous for these trees - “the arboreal city” was its age-old nickname.


It was a beautiful city, and Darwin had always counted it among his favorites.


Darwin smiled broadly. His adventure was truly shaping up to be something great. Everything was going his way.


“Hey!”


Darwin turned to see a man in a tan blazer and fedora charging towards him. A press badge dangled from his neck.


“I knew it!” the reporter exclaimed upon getting a look at Darwin’s face. “You’re Darwin Tapia! I can’t believe it! You know, your grandfather owns my paper! Boy, would he be surprised to learn I ran into you! Say, can I ask you a few questions?”


Darwin panicked, and Darwin ran.


“Hey!” the reporter shouted, scrambling to pursue the fleeing young man. Darwin looked back over his shoulder to see a look of utter confusion on the face of his pursuer. The man clearly had no clue why Darwin would choose to run from him.


Not that it mattered. Though Darwin pitied the reporter for his ignorance, there was no way he could chance his grandfather getting wind of his presence in Goldpan City. Darwin Tapia was not about to go back to that man. No way.


Darwin skidded into an alleyway, sprinting as fast as he could into an open, bustling marketplace. The reporter was right on his heels, but Darwin reasoned - Darwin hoped - that the crowd would help him make his escape.


Darwin ducked into the crowd. There were a few grumbles and declarations of “how rude!” as he pushed and sidled his way through the throng, but to Darwin’s great relief none of these complaints reached a particularly high volume. If the people of Goldpan City were anything, it was discreet about their grievances.


Darwin slipped behind an unopened fruit stand, crouching beneath the counter and peering over to scan the crowd for his pursuer. After a few moments, Darwin spotted him - the reporter stood in the middle of the crowd, looking around and scratching his head in confusion. Darwin leaned back and breathed a sigh of relief. For the moment, at least, he had managed to elude the man.


Darwin hid for a while behind the stand, waiting for the reporter to give up and leave. When, at last, he was confident that the reporter was no longer pursuing him, Darwin rose from his hiding spot and made his way out of the marketplace and into Goldpan City’s larger market district. He’d evaded the reporter for now, but Darwin knew that he would have to keep his head down during his stay in the city if he didn’t want to be found again.


His stomach rumbled, and Darwin suddenly became aware of the fact that he hadn’t eaten all day. Darwin grimaced and glanced around. A small cafe caught his attention and, smiling, Darwin made his way over to it.


Darwin purchased a scone with the money he had left, and found a seat outside the cafe to eat and watch the crowds go by.


That’s when he met the girl.

//////////////​

Nico stepped out of the Pokemon Center and into the streets of Goldpan City with a wide smile and wider eyes. She’d been to Goldpan once before - when she was seven, she’d accompanied her father on a trip to meet with Goldpan’s local Gym Leader - but the city was even more gorgeous than she remembered. Goldpan’s famous trees lined the streets, making the city seem almost half-forest.


Nico breathed in deep of the crisp morning air, air which smelled faintly of vanilla, owing to the trees. It was shaping up to be a good day for Nicolasa Huerta, not least because it was in Goldpan City that she would find her first Gym to challenge.


Nico had arrived in Goldpan the night before, and had made a beeline for the Pokemon Center. She’d rushed past a young boy blabbering about how the Gym was always the first place new Trainers visited in Goldpan - even if the Gym hadn’t been closed for the evening, Nico’s only thoughts were of seeing Carlita healed of her injuries.


The nurse had smiled at Nico while the girl explained the situation, pleased that the young Trainer felt such concern for the health and safety of a Pokemon. The nurse took Nico’s Pokemon off her hands, and offered free lodging overnight while Burnard and Carlita healed.


When at last morning came, Nico retrieved her Pokemon and left the Pokemon Center, finally ready to take on the Gym and win her first Badge.


Or, rather, she would be ready once she’d taken care of the distracting rumbling in her stomach. She hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before, and she was starting to feel it. Nico frowned and scanned the area for anywhere nearby she could go to get a bite.


Finally, her gaze drifted to a small cafe, one that looked just right for her purposes. Nico grinned and jogged over to the cafe, her stomach protesting its emptiness all along the way.


Nico bought herself a pionono - there was no way it could beat the ones her father made, of course, but she wouldn’t hold that against it - and found a seat for herself outside.


That’s when she met the boy.

//////////////​

Darwin met Nico when, each unaware of the other, both attempted to sit down at the same table at the same time.


Their eyes locked as they bent to pull their chairs out, and they looked at each other for a moment - unmoving, unspeaking, unblinking. Nico was the first one to break the silence.


It was with a laugh.


“Wow!” Nico chuckled, standing up straight and letting go of the chair. “That’s- what are the chances, huh?”


“Uh, yeah,” Darwin blushed. He stood up himself and grinned awkwardly, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. “Uh, you can take the table if you want, I’ll just… find myself another.”


Nico tilted her head in confusion. “No need for that,” she said as she pulled out a chair and sat down. “I’m fine with sharing if you are. I just started my journey the other day, and I could use someone to chat with. I figure, meeting like this, probably fate, right? We should at least try and be friends!”


Her casualness caught Darwin off-guard, but he supposed not everyone was as shy as him. He nodded politely and joined the girl at the table. After another awkward silence and a few nibbles at their pastries, it was once again up to Nico to break the ice.


“Um, my name is Nico,” she said. “Nico Huerta.”


“Darwin,” the boy replied, a bit too fast. “I’m a, uh, I like taking pictures.”


“That’s cool!” Nico exclaimed, her mouth full of pastry. “Is that why you’re traveling? Oh, are you traveling? I guess you could just be native to Goldpan.”


“Uh, no, I’m traveling,” Darwin said. He’d finished his scone, a bit faster than normal, and now kept his hands occupied by twiddling his thumbs. “The photography is… well, you could say that’s part of the reason, yeah.”


“I’m traveling to take on all the Gyms in the Alta region,” Nico declared confidently, wolfing down the last of her pionono. “I came to Goldpan City to win my first Badge, actually.”


Darwin found himself unable to hide his impressedness. “That’s pretty ambitious,” he said. “You sure you’ll be able to make it to the top?”


“Oh, I know I can,” Nico grinned. “It’s in my blood, after all.”


That confused Darwin. “What’s that-” he started, before he was interrupted by Nico suddenly standing up, her eyes wide. Darwin looked over his shoulder to figure out what had gotten Nico’s attention, and what he saw confused him even more.


A man was passing by, one everyone but Darwin seemed to recognize. The man didn’t look anything special. He was tall, with sandy blonde hair and verdant green eyes. He wore a black shirt and slacks, complemented by a white apron which featured a plant-shaped logo on the chest. As he passed down the road, people stopped and smiled at him, and he smiled right back at them. It would seem that this man was well-known around these parts, but Darwin had no idea who he was.


Nico certainly seemed to, though. She bolted away from the table and jumped in front of him, startling the man into backing up a few steps. After a few seconds, the man seemed to recognize Nico and smiled.


“Hey there, Nico,” the man said. “Your dad told me you might be heading my way. You’re here to challenge me, I take it?”


Nico nodded and put a hand on her hip. “You got it, Barnaby!” she told the man.


The man - Barnaby - laughed and crossed his arms. “Well, you’re certainly as bold as I remember,” he remarked, “challenging me right in the street. Afraid I can’t accept your challenge here and now, though. Why don’t we head back to my Gym, and we can really begin your challenge?”


“Sounds good to me!” Nico agreed. She glanced back at Darwin, who was watching the proceedings with an expression of bewilderment.


Nico jerked her head, as if to invite Darwin up. “Hey, Darwin!” she called. “You wanna tag along? See how the future Champion battles?”


The offer surprised Darwin, and he feared he made little effort to show it. Noting the expression on Darwin’s face, Nico was unable to hold back a laugh. If her new friend was anything, she thought to herself, he was a dork.


“Come on!” she urged him. “You’re a photographer, right? You’ll be able to snap a pic of the new Champion winning her first Gym Badge!”


Darwin had to admit, he admired Nico’s guts. And if she did become Champion, the opportunity to capture the moment that began that journey for her was an opportunity he’d be hard-pressed to pass up.


Darwin said nothing, but nodded, smiled, and rose to join Barnaby and Nico on their way to the Goldpan Gym.

//////////////​

The Goldpan City Gym served two purposes: it was a Gym, of course, but it also acted as a greenhouse and botanical research facility. Rows of plants surrounded the central arena, and the arena room itself led off into a number of research laboratories. The Gym was the Alta region’s leading facility for research on plants and on Grass-type Pokemon, with a reputation stretching back decades.


All this Barnaby explained to Nico and Darwin as he led the pair into the Gym’s central arena. The arena itself was a plain dirt field marked with rectangular chalk. “We like to keep things simple at the Goldpan Gym,” Barnaby explained.


“That extends to how we go about processing challengers,” he continued, crossing the arena to the Gym Leader’s side and placing his hands on his hips. “A lot of Gyms like to put Trainers through mazes or quizzes or puzzles. Not here, though. Here at the Goldpan Gym, our process is simple. All you have to do is defeat one of my Gym Trainers in a one-on-one battle, and the next day you can return to the Gym and take on the Leader himself: yours truly!”


“That sounds simple enough,” Nico agreed. “Seems a bit excessive to spread things out over two days, though.”


“Call it a favor to Goldpan’s tourism board,” Barnaby shrugged. “They don’t want Trainers just blowing through here in a day.”


“So who’s Nico going to be battling?” Darwin asked. “I don’t see anyone else around.”


Barnaby held his fingers to his mouth and whistled. “Raul!” he called. “Come on out, we got a challenger!”


A weedy man with messy hair and a thin moustache poked his head out from behind a row of plants. “Sure thing, Barney!” the man said, making his way to join Barnaby across the field.


“This is Raul!” Barnaby declared, clapping the man on the back. “He’s one of the top botanists here at the Gym, and one of my best Trainers. You’ll be facing him today, Nico. Don’t expect him to go easy on you! He’s gonna give his all!”


Raul grinned and nodded in confirmation.


“Wouldn’t have it any other way!” Nico said, stepping into position across the field from Raul.


Barnaby walked over to the referee’s position, to the left of midfield. “I’ll be overseeing this match today,” he said. “This will be a one-on-one battle between Nicolasa and Raul. Each Trainer may use only one Pokemon. The first Trainer who is able to render their opponent’s Pokemon unable to continue the battle will be declared the victor. Trainers may select their Pokemon when they are ready.”


Nico glanced back at Darwin as she unclipped a Poke Ball from her belt. “Hey, Darwin!” she said. “Get ready to take some awesome photos!”


“Uh, right!” Darwin agreed, fumbling around in his backpack for his camera.


As Darwin searched for his camera, Raul tossed a Poke Ball into the ring. “I’m counting on you, Serrañero!” he cried.


Raul’s Pokemon burst from the ball: a slender green pepper-like Pokemon with red hair-like leaves at the top of its head and a cheerful smile on its face. It bounced about in place after emerging from its ball, chirping a happy tune.


“Cute!” Nico laughed as she pulled her Pokedex from her pocket and scanned the new Pokemon’s data.


“Serrañero,” the Pokedex spoke with its stuttering electronic voice. “The Mild Pepper Pokemon. Serrañero are happy Pokemon, and are rarely seen without a smile on their face. For many years they were captured and used as food, but this practice has since been banned.”


“Alright!’ Nico declared, returning the Pokedex to her pocket. She bounced the Poke Ball in her hand a few times before tossing it. “Let’s get things started! Show me what you can do, Carlita!”


Nico’s newest capture emerged from the Poke Ball in a flash of light, tiny wings spread and her beak open to give the fiercest chirp she could manage. The bird Pokemon glanced back at Nico and nodded, acknowledging her authority.


“Let the battle start!” Barnaby cried.


Nico curled her hand into a fist. This was it. Her Gym career began with this battle. She was ready.


“Carlita!” she cried. “Start things off with Take Down!”


Carlita obeyed, charging forward to assault Serrañero with a full-body tackle.


“Take the hit, Serrañero,” Raul ordered, “then counter with Burnout!”


“Burnout?” Nico repeated. She had never heard of that move.


Darwin, however, had. “Nico, call your Pokemon off!” he shouted. “He’s baiting you! Burnout is-”


His words came too late, however. Carlita collided with Serrañero in a furious body slam that left both Pokemon visibly shaken. Before Carlita could jump away from her opponent, Serrañero closed its eyes and grimaced, smoke streaming from its head. The Mild Pepper Pokemon seemingly burst in an explosive shower of flames and sparks, the force of which knocked Carlita away, nearly all the way back to Nico. Carlita gave a weak chirp of pain. Sparks of static flitted around its body.


“Carlita!” Nico exclaimed. “Are you alright?”


Slowly, gingerly, Carlita picked herself up and trilled an affirmative to Nico, assuring her Trainer that she wasn’t out of the battle yet.


“Thank goodness,” Nico sighed. “What was that?”


“Grass-type Pokemon have a particular weakness to Flying-type Pokemon,” Raul explained from across the arena. “Many of them have developed specialized defenses against Flying-types as a result. Serrañero, for example, has access to the move Burnout - a flame-based Electric-type attack. Unless your Birby can get away quickly enough, any physical attack on my Serrañero will just result in it getting its wings clipped again - and from the looks of things, you can’t afford for that to happen too many more times.”


Nico gritted her teeth. Raul was right, she knew. Carlita was too slow to get away from Serrañero in time to avoid the blast of the Burnout attack. She certainly couldn’t afford another Take Down - the recoil damage from the attack, plus the damage Burnout would do? There was no way Carlita could stand against them both.


She thought back, recalling what moves her Birby knew. Take Down, Tailwind… Wing Attack! Wing Attack would be super effective against a Grass-type like Serrañero. Nico just had to hope Carlita could strike and get away in time to avoid the retaliatory Burnout.


“Okay, Carlita!” Nico ordered! “Put those wings of yours to use! Wing Attack, now!”


Carlita flapped her wings, trying to get airborne. Soon realizing that this was a losing proposition, however, she opted to once again simply charge her opponent, head down and wings angled for an attack.


Nico realized too late that Carlita was moving too slowly to avoid another Burnout. Carlita slashed across Serrañero with her wing and was preparing to make her retreat from the blast zone when Serrañero began to smoke and sputter once again. Nico could only cry out in alarm as her Pokemon once more fell victim to Serrañero’s Burnout. Caught up in the blast, Carlita careened through the air, landing with a thud at the feet of her Trainer.


“Another hit like that and you’re finished!” Raul said bluntly. “If you want to win this battle, you need to start using your brain! Battling isn’t just about throwing attacks at the opponent without giving any mind to strategy!”


As Nico helped Carlita back up, she wondered how she could possibly turn this battle around. Neither of Carlita’s damaging attacks seemed to be viable options - it didn’t matter whether she used Take Down or Wing Attack, she was simply too slow to get out of Burnout’s range in time.


But if she could alter the conditions of the battle in such a way that Carlita was fast enough…


Nico realized what she had to do. It was a long shot, but at this point she was willing to try just about anything.


“Carlita!” Nico said. “Get those wings flapping! Tailwind!”


Carlita obliged, flapping her tiny wings as hard and as fast as she could.The plants surrounding the arena rustled as the force of Carlita’s flapping wings kicked up a heavy tailwind. Nico balled her fists and breathed in deeply. It was all or nothing now.


“Time to fly, Carlita!” Nico ordered. “Get up in the air and show that pepper what your Wing Attack can really do!”


Carlita concentrated and flapped her wings with supreme effort and focus. Finally, the little bird found herself aloft, buoyed by the winds she had generated. Chirping triumphantly, Carlita sailed toward her target, ready to unleash a fierce attack. Carlita wheeled in the air as she swiped Serrañero with her wing, knocking the Mild Pepper Pokemon backwards.


“Burnout, Serrañero!” Raul commanded, but his orders were in vain. Carlita’s Tailwind had given the little bird the boost she needed to finally escape Serrañero before it could unleash its counterattack.


Darwin couldn’t hold back a grin at the turnabout.


“Now we’re getting at it!” Nico cheered. “Keep going, Carlita! Wing Attack! Serrañero can’t take much more of this!”


Indeed it couldn’t. Carlita made run after run against Serrañero, slashing at her opponent with her Wing Attack. Serrañero found itself unable to launch its Burnout attack in time to hit Carlita before the little bird flitted away.


Finally, with a fierce, triumphant trill, Carlita made one last run at the Mild Pepper Pokemon. Her wings connected with Serrañero’s wrinkled skin with great strength, smashing the pepper forcefully into the ground. Serrañero gave a cry of defeat as its opponent circled above it before losing consciousness. Serrañero - and Raul - had lost. Nico had won.


Nico jumped for joy and cried out victoriously as Raul recalled Serrañero. Carlita’s Tailwind petered out, and the little bird began to fall, but Nico was there to catch her Pokemon before it hit the ground.


“You did great, Carlita,” she told the little bird as she cradled it in her arms. “I’m proud of you.”


Carlita chirped happily.


“Come on, get some rest,” Nico said, returning Carlita to her Poke Ball. “You’ve earned it.”


“And you,” Barnaby said, stepping forward to congratulate Nico, “have more than earned the right to challenge me to a battle.”


Nico grinned. “All right!” she said. “My first Gym Badge! Let’s go!”


“Reel it in there, Nico,” Barnaby laughed. “Remember what I said. You’ll be able to challenge me first thing tomorrow, and not a minute before. For now, I’d recommend getting your Birby healed at the Pokemon Center. You may end up needing it tomorrow.”


“Right,” Nico nodded. “First thing tomorrow, I’m winning that Gym Badge! My path to the Championship starts here!”


As she turned away from Barnaby and began to walk towards the exit, Nico’s eyes drifted towards Darwin’s. There was an expression in them that she couldn’t quite identify, something rare and unique that she couldn’t quite place.


Darwin, meanwhile, had no trouble placing what the expression displayed in his eyes was. He knew, because it was what he was feeling at this very moment.


It was awe.


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////


Next Time: As Darwin and Nico get to know each other better in Goldpan City, Schwarz has plans of her own! Plans that involve a mysterious and abandoned facility hidden in Route 22… be here for Chapter 5: “Interbellum!”

 

[lucarioknight56]

Well, I must say, I quite enjoy reading your story. It's nice and entertaining, and also has some intriguing Pokémon that would not seem so Farfetch'd (had to) to see in the actual games. I'm sorry that I won't be providing much technical feedback, but I can give you the thoughts that are going through my head.

First thing, nice uniqueness between the trainers. I quite enjoy having character differences, as those are what ultimately make us love the characters in any story. Not seeing anything that would make anyone too alike, which is great.

Another thing is the mysterious evil team that will be here...who are they, what will they do, and what are they after? All good questions, but none have an answer...for now. I can hardly wait to see how your creative mind will come up with our main antagonists.

That sums it up for me. I applied to become a moderator for the forums, this section in fact, and I feel the need to ramp up my reviews, especially if I'm to be judging for the contests. Nothing is set in stone right now, but even if I don't become a moderator, I will try to be more active and less passive in the forums.

 

[Lugion]

Okay, I'm all re-read and caught up and everything!

I have to say, I've got some mixed feelings about this story. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy it! There's a lot of creativity on display here, obviously, but I do feel a handful of parts are a bit rough or underdeveloped. A big thing with this most recent chapter is the way you made the meeting of Nico and Darwin out to be a huge thing, and I suppose, in proper context, it is, but you did very little to actually earn the payoff you tried to invoke with it. I'm also not a huge fan of protagonists being the child of some super-important hero dude, but I have to acknowledge the dramatic potential here when father and daughter inevitably clash.

As for the characters, well, they're all right for so early in the story. I find myself liking Nico a lot more this readthrough, and I earnestly thought her meeting with the gym leader was cute. There's less to like about Darwin so far. Not saying I dislike him by any means, but he's not showing quite as much personality. Schwarz is interesting enough, but it's too early to really get into her character either. As I said before, however, I do genuinely like how the three characters' battling styles are so distinct. It provides a nice little extra dimension to them.

Now, let's move on to the prose itself. I know you said you're trying to avoid just making this story straight-up fantasy, and I can appreciate that. But I do think you could work on your details. Since you're using a host of original Pokémon, detail really is of the utmost importance. It's not bad, really, but I feel like you can do more. There are also a few instances of really weird descriptions like "hurtle like molasses". I kinda get that you're playing with the wording, but it falls kinda flat.

You've got a solid base to start with, overall. Just keep on going with it, expanding on what you've got, and I think you'll be pretty good to go. You're also making me want to revisit my old Pokédex project... >_>