EVERYONE: Pokemon: The Threat to the Multiverse

[Phantom345]

Hello everyone. This is my first fanfiction I'm posting online, so I hope you enjoy it. The title might not make sense at first, but I promise it will become clear soon.

Note: I do not own Pokemon or any of its characters. It is owned by Nintendo and GAME FREAK.

Chapter 1:
Peter woke with a start in his house in Sontry, Illinois. He was going to get his first Pokemon today from Professor Maple and start his journey across the Midwest, so he could compete in the American Pokemon League. He realized why he woke up the way he did. Someone, or something, had appeared to him in a dream and told him to do... what was it? Peter couldn't remember.
Peter put on his traveling clothes, got his backpack, and headed to Professor Maple's lab.
As Peter walked through town, he noticed some Pidgey and Fletchling flying around. Finally, he got to the Professor's lab.
"Hi, Professor Maple! I'm ready for my Pokemon!" said Peter.
"I bet you are, Peter, but so is Josiah here," the professor said.
"Hey, Peter, you're going to have to get through me to be the champion," Josiah said.
"Oh, please. Just because your dad is Bryce, doesn't mean you're better." Peter replied.
"So, boys, there are 27 Pokemon here, 9 each of Grass, Fire, and Water. Josiah, since you got here first, you choose first," said the professor.
"Alright, then, I choose Bulbasaur!" Josiah shouted.
"Okay, here is Bulbasaur's Poke Ball, your Pokedex, and 5 empty Poke Balls to catch wild Pokemon with."
"Me next! I choose Froakie!" said Peter.
"Good choice, Peter," the professor said. "Here is your Pokedex and Poke Balls."
"Josiah, what do you say we have our first battle together? Froakie vs. Bulbasaur!" Peter challenged.
"Okay, if you want to lose..." Josiah replied.
"Go, Bulbasaur!" "Go, Froakie!"
"Bulbasaur, use Tackle!" "Froakie, intercept and use Pound!" The two Pokemon collided.
"Froakie, use your frubbles on Bulbasaur's eyes, and then use Pound!"
The attack connected and Bulbasaur fainted.
"Wha-what?!?" Josiah exclaimed. "How could you?" Josiah ran out of the lab crying.
"I didn't mean to make him cry," Peter said.
"It's okay, Peter. He will get over it," replied the professor.
"Thanks, Professor Maple. I better go stock up on supplies."
Peter had Froakie healed by the professor and headed to the Poke Mart.
He had only $1,000 in his pockets when he went in, so he knew to be wise. Sadly, his Pokedex didn't have a map or make calls, so he had to spend money there.
"Hey, here's a nice navigation system with wireless calling and it's only a 1 time fee of $325," Peter thought to himself.
Peter then went to the medicine section and picked up some HP-restoring Potions, status-healing Potions, and 2 of this new med called 'Revive'.
"All of that cost me about $350, so I don't have much left. Ah, here's some cheap Pokemon food for Froakie. Time for me to go pay."
"Hi there! Did you find everything you need?" asked the cashier.
"Yes, I did; thanks for asking," said Peter. "If I'm correct, all of this should come to $800."
"Normally, yes, but we are having a sale on the Revives, so you get $50 off. But at the same time 1 of our tech experts set up your PokePhone for only $15. So if you like, the total would be $765."
"Okay, I'll pay the $765," Peter said, and handed over the money.
The tech person came over and set up Peter's phone, and even showed him how to enter numbers by adding Professor Maple's number.
"Hey, you must be that new trainer who beat Bruce's son," the tech person said.
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"Josiah was in here a few minutes before you, acting all sad about losing his first battle. But he doesn't realize that even Bryce loses sometimes."
Before he left the Poke Mart, Peter looked at his PokePhone and looked at the map.
"The first Gym is... Aha! A Flying-Type Gym with Manny giving out the Sky Badge to winners. I'll need 2 Pokemon, and the Gym is in Roostraw City, which is about 12 miles northwest of here. Froakie and I still need to train, though."
Peter left the Poke Mart and headed northwest.
"Froakie, it's training time!"

That concludes Chapter 1! Please let me know what you think and how I can improve for Chapter 2.

 

[Phantom345]

Sorry about not posting a new chapter recently, I have been a little busy. Anyway, here's Chapter 2!




Peter had Froakie out of his Poke Ball, getting ready to train.

"Okay, Froakie, you only know 2 moves right now, Pound and Growl. What do you say we try and get you to learn at least one more move?"

"Froakie fro!"

Peter looked in his Pokedex for information on Froakie's moves. He scrolled through the list, and... of course! Froakie could learn Bubble, since it's a Water-type move. At the same time, Peter could have Froakie work on his speed with Pound.

"Froakie, here's what we are going to do. I'll throw some small rocks in the air while you try using Pound on them," Peter said.

Both trainer and Pokemon made it to a small clearing just outside of Sontry. There were some oak and maple trees around. Most of the ground was grass and dirt, with plenty of pebbles, too.

Peter picked up a handful of these pebbles. "Ready, Froakie?"

Peter threw the first rock into the air underhand, and told Froakie to use Pound. However, Froakie wasn't fast enough. Peter tried this a few more times. Finally, after about 5 minutes and an entire handful of rocks, Peter threw the last one into the air. Froakie speed up, and just grazed the pebble.

"Not bad, Froakie. Just a little bit more."

Peter picked up another handful of rocks. This time, Froakie hit most of them at least partially. However, about a minute later, Froakie was able to hit the thrown rock head-on. But...

"Screee!"

"Huh? Froakie, did you hear that? It sounded like some type of bird," commented Peter.

"Froakie froak! Fro!" Froakie said.

"Look, over there!" Peter and the water frog saw a bush rustle near a tree. They hurried over, and saw a small bird lying on the ground. Peter's Pokedex identified it as a "Rookidee".

"Oh, no, it probably got hit with the rock..."

Peter opened his bag and got out a few healing herbs and a drinkable Potion. He mashed up the herbs, mixed it with the Potion, and gently trickled it down the bird's mouth. Rookidee weakly chirped in response.

"You rest easy, okay, Rookidee? I'll be back to check on you in a few.

"Alright, Froakie, time to learn the move Bubble! It's a Water-type be move, and should be easy for you to pick up," said Peter.

"Okay, concentrate! Feel the water in you and push it out with your mouth!"

Froakie seemed to be having trouble with this. After a few more minutes, Peter decided to go check on Rookidee.

"Rookidee, are you-" but Peter got cut off by a loud noise. When he went to investigate, he saw a different Pokemon attacking Rookidee. His Pokedex identified it as a "Murkrow".

"Froakie, quick, use Pound on Murkrow!" Froakie ran up, but before there was any contact, Murkrow flew out of the way and used Peck on Froakie.

"Froa..."

Murkrow was diving in for another Peck. "Quick, use Growl!" Froakie let out a noise from his mouth, which weakened that next attack, but he was looking weak.

"Froakie, this is your chance! Use Bubble!" This time, bubbles did in fact come out of his mouth and hit Murkrow, who then flew away.

"Rookidee! Are you-" Once again, Peter was cut off by leaves rustling. Bigger birds, which his Pokedex identified as "Corvisquire" and "Corviknight", appeared. These bigger Pokemon we're flying around the trees, and one decided to start flying towards Peter. Luckily, Rookidee chose that moment to fly up and get in the way.

"Oh, I get it Rookidee. This is your family. Froakie and I are sorry about the rock."

Peter decided it was time to go. When he opened his mouth to say goodbye to Rookidee, he realized every bird was looking at him. Then, Rookidee flew up and landed on his shoulder.

"Do you really want to, Rookidee?" Rookidee just chirped and rubbed his head against Peter's. "Okay, then. Poke Ball, go!" Peter took an empty Poke Ball and pressed it against Rookidee, who went inside. The ball wobbled a little, and... ding!

"Yes! I caught a Rookidee!"


And that concludes Chapter 2!

 

[lisianthus]

Hello everyone. This is my first fanfiction I'm posting online, so I hope you enjoy it. The title might not make sense at first, but I promise it will become clear soon.

Wow, it's an honor you chose here to publish this... thanks ahaha! Planning ahead is good. Making my way here because you asked for people to read this for feedback. This isn't my chosen genre of fanfic, as I don't particularly vibe with battling or journeyfics as much, but I think it's great that we have new writers around, and I'm always happy to help out with reviews/feedback!

I do get the feel you're a beginner in terms of writing fics, which by no means is a bad thing! I'll be annotating this in the spoiler down below:

Spoiler

Note: I do not own Pokemon or any of its characters. It is owned by Nintendo and GAME FREAK.

I remember reading fics from the times where everyone did that ahaha... maybe they still do, actually? I think my first fic I ever did I put that notice on there. Don't mind me!

Peter woke with a start in his house in Sontry, Illinois. He was going to get his first Pokemon today from Professor Maple and start his journey across the Midwest, so he could compete in the American Pokemon League.

Worldbuilding stuff already, hooray! I wonder if the American Pokemon League encompasses Unova and Orre as well, or if it's own thing?

He realized why he woke up the way he did. Someone, or something, had appeared to him in a dream and told him to do... what was it? Peter couldn't remember.

Ooh, I wonder if we'll get an answer to this?

Peter put on his traveling clothes, got his backpack, and headed to Professor Maple's lab.
As Peter walked through town, he noticed some Pidgey and Fletchling flying around. Finally, he got to the Professor's lab.

These two sentences feel sort of rushed, I suppose you could say? What I mean by that is you're doing a nice job of telling what happens in your story 'Peter does xyz,' 'Peter saw some Pokemon', but all of the time in effective fiction writing, showing what happens hooks readers in much more effectively, and provides better worldbuilding to boot.

Here's an example of what I mean, I took some creative liberties and inferences here, but:

'Peter walked over to his desk and grabbed his traveling clothes -- taking great care not to wrinkle them too much as he put them on. He looked in the mirror standing by his bed -- perfect! -- and walked out of his room, making sure to grab his backpack, which was hanging on his door handle. From there, he set off to Professor Maple's lab. It wasn't a long walk, usually around three or four minutes, but his nervous energy forced him to jog to his destination rather than walking. Peter passed the ever-present Pidgey and Fletchling soaring through the orange-colored sky, the beating of their wings providing a steady backdrop to the pitter-patter of his footsteps. Soon enough, he arrived to the Pokemon Lab -- in record time, too! -- and found himself meeting the one person he had always longed to meet -- because with Pokemon Professors always came the prospect of obtaining a Starter Pokemon.'

Do you see how that feels much different and more full rather than a few sentences describing what happens in a story? I urge you to play around with adding in more detail into your prose and showing, not 'telling'! It's something you might pick up as you write more, maybe.

"Hi, Professor Maple! I'm ready for my Pokemon!" said Peter.
"I bet you are, Peter, but so is Josiah here," the professor said.
"Hey, Peter, you're going to have to get through me to be the cChampion," Josiah said.

Make sure to capitalize your proper nouns!! 'Champion' is always capitalized when it's referring to the title.

"Oh, please. Just because your dad is Bryce, doesn't mean you're better." Peter replied.

Any relation to Brycen of Unova's Iccirus City Gym, I wonder...? Nice worldbuilding!

"So, boys, there are 27 Pokemon here, 9 each of Grass, Fire, and Water. Josiah, since you got here first, you choose first," said the professor.

You may want to consider switching up your 'how this character said this sentence' words -- that's sometimes the issue with third-person writing in that it can kind of get stale in that regard, but it's also important to note that it's not a steadfast rule or anything to add [said x] at the end of every line of dialogue, too!

"Alright, then, I choose Bulbasaur!" Josiah shouted.
"Okay, here is Bulbasaur's Poke Ball, your Pokedex, and 5 empty Poke Balls to catch wild Pokemon with."
"Me next! I choose Froakie!" said Peter.

It feels a bit sudden between [Peter comes into the lab] and [Peter gets a Pokemon], in terms of length -- why not pad it out by describing Peter's feelings, or what the lab looks like, or what kind of a person Josiah is? You could even do all three if you really wanted to.

"Good choice, Peter," the professor said. "Here is your Pokedex and Poke Balls."
"Josiah, what do you say we have our first battle together? Froakie vs. Bulbasaur!" Peter challenged.
"Okay, if you want to lose..." Josiah replied.
"Go, Bulbasaur!" "Go, Froakie!"
"Bulbasaur, use Tackle!" "Froakie, intercept and use Pound!" The two Pokemon collided.
"Froakie, use your frubbles on Bulbasaur's eyes, and then use Pound!"
The attack connected and Bulbasaur fainted.

I don't write battle fics myself, so I can't really be as of much help here, but this feels a bit too short perhaps? Starter Pokemon don't usually have properly powerful attacks, sure, but that can open your characters up to taking different, non move-based approaches as well. What if Josiah had Bulbasaur use its vines to trip up Froakie? I just feel as though having the opponent's Pokemon faint after one move should only be reserved for like, supereffective moves, and maybe not on a disadvantaged type matchup after one move only.

Additionally, given Bulbasaur is a Grass-type, I think the frubbles might not work too well.

"Wha-what?!?" Josiah exclaimed. "How could you?" Josiah ran out of the lab crying.
"I didn't mean to make him cry," Peter said.
"It's okay, Peter. He will get over it," replied the professor.
"Thanks, Professor Maple. I better go stock up on supplies."
Peter had Froakie healed by the professor and headed to the Poke Mart.

Maybe the professor could over more substantial advice here?? Right now it sort of feels like the professor doesn't really care much at all, and Peter forgets about it in like two seconds -- this could be a nice teaching moment about the power held in each Pokemon, or something like that.

He had only $1,000 in his pockets when he went in, so he knew to be wise. Sadly, his Pokedex didn't have a map or make calls, so he had to spend money there.
"Hey, here's a nice navigation system with wireless calling and it's only a 1 time fee of $325," Peter thought to himself.
Peter then went to the medicine section and picked up some HP-restoring Potions, status-healing Potions, and 2 of this a new med called 'Revive'.

When in third-person, the narrator is supposed to be impartial (i/e not having any thoughts), so words like 'this' aren't going to fit in prose. Substituting 'this' with 'a' would work better here.

"All of that cost me about $350, so I don't have much left. Ah, here's some cheap Pokemon food for Froakie. Time for me to go pay."
"Hi there! Did you find everything you need?" asked the cashier.
"Yes, I did; thanks for asking," said Peter. "If I'm correct, all of this should come to $800."
"Normally, yes, but we are having a sale on the Revives, so you get $50 off. But at the same time 1 of our tech experts can set up your PokePhone for only $15. So if you like, the total would be $765."

Upselling, oh no lol... guess it was useful, though. I think you missed a 'can' there?

"Okay, I'll pay the $765," Peter said, and handed over the money.
The tech person came over and set up Peter's phone, and even showed him how to enter numbers by adding Professor Maple's number.
"Hey, you must be that new trainer who beat Bruy(?)ce's son," the tech person said.
"Yeah. How did you know?"
"Josiah He was in here a few minutes before you, acting all sad about losing his first battle. But he doesn't realize that even Bryce loses sometimes."

It feels a tad bit strange for the tech person to refer to Josiah first as 'Bruce's son', but then by name? I'd stick to one or the other here.

Maybe you could expand upon this, also? It feels sort of like dialogue for the purpose of having dialogue, which sometimes is neccesary ofc, but I can think of a few ways you could have gone with this to make a proper learning moment out of it.

Before he left the Poke Mart, Peter looked at his PokePhone and looked at the map.
"The first Gym is... Aha! A Flying-Type Gym with Manny giving out the Sky Badge to winners. I'll need 2 Pokemon, and the Gym is in Roostraw City, which is about 12 miles northwest of here. Froakie and I still need to train, though."

Good addition of worldbuilding -- your readers will know what to expect in the future! I will say that it's a tad strange for you to start out with the conventional American city naming scheme of [city, state] at first, but then switch to the Pokemon one of [name City] at the end? I'd advise you to maybe stick with one or the other.

Peter left the Poke Mart and headed northwest.
"Froakie, it's training time!"

Good 'preview' of what'll happen next!

This is your first fic, so I didn't go in expecting perfection! But you made a start, and that's a good sign as it is -- I think once you clean up some errors here and there and make your prose more lengthy and detailed, your story will be easier to follow. It's great you have an open mind to getting feedback as well, that's how we all improve after all! I'll be back to review your second chapter soon.

 

[Greninjaman]

I would like to add that you should remember to not overwhelm yourself and don't rush. Keep track of what Pokémon your characters will have. Trust me. I have attempted to write a badge quest story many times only to quit.