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MATURE: Random stuff I wrote

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Good day.
This thread is basically a collection of stuff I wrote, every text is a stand-alone. I don't have a specific style (I guess) but I use punctuation marks as some kind of stylistic device. So I use these ; to mark the end of a text line (since I used whatsapp to share my stuff and this way it was less confusing to read) and I use ... to mark short breaks (and the end of a text) - a habit I developed for myself when I read for someone else. This thread is rated mature since some of the texts are. However, I will still rate each text on its own. I use to write in german usually and I considered to post the german original as well as an english translation. However, I realized that this won't work out in most cases (at least for now) so I'll write future stuff in english (if possible). Also I wanted to make clear that I'm not writing by schedule or something - sometimes more stuff comes within a few days, sometimes nothing comes for several months. I don't force anything, imagine it like finding a shiny pokemon without shiny hunting - sometimes it just happens.
So that's basically it, maybe some of you enjoy my stuff.
Greetings
Toby

Edit: I forgot to mention that there is the chance for a drop of the overall quality caused by translation.
 
Last edited:
Rating: Everyone
Written on the 6th of January 2021

Original version:

Unendlichkeit in allem;
So übersteigen die Giganten die einst auf dieser Erde lebten unsere Vorstellung bei weitem;
Und in unserer Arroganz maßen wir uns an zu wissen, was das größte oder das kleinste ist;
Und doch können wir uns die Dimensionen, die andere Lebensformen erleben kaum ausmalen...
Wer denkt schon darüber nach, ob das Universum vielleicht nur ein winziger Teil von etwas noch viel gigantischerem ist?
Oder darüber, dass wir für Ameisen das selbe Ausmaß annehmen, wie unser Sonnensystem für uns?
Nur wenige beschäftigen sich mit dem Gedanken, dass Bakterien in ihrem eigenen Mikrokosmos leben, für die ein Kieselstein schon ein geradezu absurd großes Objekt ist;
Wenn man drüber nachdenkt, leben die Bakterien auf dem Kieselstein als wäre er ein Planet;
Ein winziger bewohnter Planet, der sich auf einem riesigen bewohnten Planeten aufhält;
Lebewesen, für die ein Wimpernschlag, welcher für uns nur sekundenbruchteile in Anspruch nimmt, sich nahezu wie eine Ewigkeit anfühlt;
Und so, wie die Bakterien für uns nichts sind, sind wir nichts für diese unendlichen weiten da draußen...

Translation:

Everything is infinite;
The giants that once walked around this planet surpass the range of our mind by far;
And we, in our foolish arrogance, dare to pretend to know what is the biggest and what is the smallest;
But yet we can't even imagine how other forms of life experience these dimensions...
Who does actually think about the universe being just a tiny part of something way that is way more gigantic?
Who gives a thought about the perspective of an ant, that may experience our world as it has the size that we experience the entire solar system?
Only a few of us play with the thought of bacteria living in their own micro cosmos, considering something insignificant as a pebble as an insanely huge object;
If you think about it, these bacteria live on the pebble like it was a planet;
A tiny planet which is full of life, being on a huge planet which is also full of life;
Living beings, which experience the blink of an eye, that only takes split seconds for us, like it was almost an eternity;
And just like those bacteria are nothing for us, we are nothing for the eternal infinity that is out there...
 
Oooh poetry (I think? Or short prose). And philosophical, too. Nice.

I don't know German (I know bits and pieces from studying music, but not a whole lot), but the English translation was pretty good. An interesting look into perspective and life and other philosophical things.
 
Oooh poetry (I think? Or short prose). And philosophical, too. Nice.

I don't know German (I know bits and pieces from studying music, but not a whole lot), but the English translation was pretty good. An interesting look into perspective and life and other philosophical things.
I don't even know if I have a specific text style, I just do stuff like grocery shopping and then I suddenly "feel it" and get an Idea for something and then I just start adding stuff.
 
Rating: Mature
Written: 20th of October 2021

DISCLAIMER: The following text contains SUICIDE and (depends on the person who defines this) MILD Gore.



I'm driving down this long and twining road;
Fog and snow stop me from seeing further than a few feet;
Nothing than snow, fog and trees;
Even the full moon, the only possible witness around, hides behind the clouds;
All alone, perfect requirements;
The scenery is so hypnotic, everything seems to happen on it's own, following the road like in trance;
The only noises are the howling of the wind, the humming of the engine and the sound of tires rolling over freshly fallen snow;
Yet I can hear her;
Hear her calling my name with this lonely, desperate tone in her voice;
Calling me from the other side;
Memories start haunting my mind again;
The white landscape almost works like some kind of cinema screen;
I still remember that morning crystal clear;
Got up, happy, excited to see her and wrap my arms around her;
But as I left the bed room I noticed something felt odd;
And as I entered the living room I saw her lying on the sofa, staring at me with these cold, empty eyes that used to have so much emotion in them;
The carpet drained in blood;
A kitchen knife covered with pieces of crust on the floor and the curtains gently moving with the wind;
Suddenly the engine of my car dies, but it doesn't matter anymore;
I decide that this spot is as good as any other so I leave the car and walk away;
After a while I can't see my car anymore, only trees without any leaves on them, fog, and the falling snow;
I open my bag and take out a photo of her;
And after kissing her one last time I take out my father's gun;
As I press it on my head the steel feels freezing cold;
The bang of the shot fades in the woods with echoing sound I fall in the red sprinkled snow, becoming a part of it, slowly getting swallowed by the icy white mass;
Finally being with her again...
 
Rating: Everyone
Written: 22nd of October 2021


Fall is truly astonishing;
Everything dies, yet it shines beautifully with various colors;
Just to end naked, leaving only shades of gray and white;
An endless cycle of dying just to be reborn in its own ashes again, like the majestic phoenix, nature is the ultimate reincarnation;
The branches and leaves are weeping in the wind, almost like it was a last dance to say farewell;
It has a kind of romantic flair to realize how the fallen leaves become a blanket, which protects the earth from the cold while also becoming a source of nutrients for the seeds resting under the surface, so their blooming can conquer the whole world with nice smelling blossoms;
A peaceful invasion, made possible by a last act of kindness;
The last gift from nature before the end of its incredible life cycle;
What a perfect example to realize that there is no life without death, no death without life;
It's simply amazing to see how natures complex structure is based on such a simple rule;
For sure there is more behind this;
Some kind of motivation, a reason, the sense of life;
Hopefully one day we'll be able to see it...



Edit: Took care of a typo and remove a word
 
Last edited:
Rating: Teen (just in case)
Written: 18th of November 2021

ATTENTION: Contains reckless behavior which results in an injury and the mentioning of blood.


I'm looking at the face of that person in the mirror;
That person that's supposed to be me;
Yet all I see is a stranger;
A stranger with pale skin and empty eyes, looking back at me with a numb and emotionless expression;
I remember something that Nietzsche once said;
„When you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.“
A feeling of trance embraces me;
The face behind the glass keeps looking back;
A chill runs down my spine as these eyes seem to swallow me, they suck me into the void of their pupils;
And all the thoughts that ran through my mind turned into an almost uncomfortable silence;
I reach my hand out towards the mirror;
Feeling my fingertips touching the cold glass plate is oddly calming, like someone was actually there, trying to reach me;
Trying to be with me...
I begin to think about my past;
About the things I've been through;
About the things people said to me;
About the way people treated me...
While staring at that face I begin to realize something;
I'm a monster;
I have to be, there is no other reason why people would've treated me like they did during my entire life...
Suddenly I begin to feel sick and disgusted;
I raise my fist and punch that face with tears in my eyes;
My hand begins to bleed, and several little glass shards are pierced into my flesh;
But that's ok;
It's the price I'll have to pay to never see that monster again...
 
Okay, let's ready some of this for the review challenge.

- First thing you wrote:
I like this one. The first few lines or so evoke mythology and firebrand priest rambling. It's interesting to consider the differences in scale between organisms. Like compare us to the dinosaurs. And yes, us to everything else out there.

- Second thing you wrote:
Whoa, well this one turned dark in a hurry. Went from a prospect to a happy reunion to a double suicide. Yikes. We don't even get any context on the woman's suicide, just perhaps a clue that it was due to loneliness, making it all the more spooky and open for speculation. Err...dare I ask what brought this one on? >_>

- Third thing you wrote:
Noticed a small typo maybe, you say that there is now death without life when you probably meant no death without life. I like to think of this one as a more morbid version of the circle of life. But as life goes, new life comes in its place.

- Fourth thing you wrote:
It can be a bit creepy looking in the mirror and not knowing what you've even become, or realizing you've become something else. I especially like the imagery near the fic's middle of the mirror seeming to suck the person inside. Although of course, the other possibility, the people treating him as they did were the monsters. And in the end, he punches the mirror and lives happily ever after, until he comes across another mirror or puddle of water that reflects.

Interesting set of poems, for lack of anything else to call them. I liked the first one having original German text, and I put it through DeepL for fun and comparison. Wish you kept that with the others. Anyway, fun little things.
 
Okay, let's ready some of this for the review challenge.

- First thing you wrote:
I like this one. The first few lines or so evoke mythology and firebrand priest rambling. It's interesting to consider the differences in scale between organisms. Like compare us to the dinosaurs. And yes, us to everything else out there.

- Second thing you wrote:
Whoa, well this one turned dark in a hurry. Went from a prospect to a happy reunion to a double suicide. Yikes. We don't even get any context on the woman's suicide, just perhaps a clue that it was due to loneliness, making it all the more spooky and open for speculation. Err...dare I ask what brought this one on? >_>

- Third thing you wrote:
Noticed a small typo maybe, you say that there is now death without life when you probably meant no death without life. I like to think of this one as a more morbid version of the circle of life. But as life goes, new life comes in its place.

- Fourth thing you wrote:
It can be a bit creepy looking in the mirror and not knowing what you've even become, or realizing you've become something else. I especially like the imagery near the fic's middle of the mirror seeming to suck the person inside. Although of course, the other possibility, the people treating him as they did were the monsters. And in the end, he punches the mirror and lives happily ever after, until he comes across another mirror or puddle of water that reflects.

Interesting set of poems, for lack of anything else to call them. I liked the first one having original German text, and I put it through DeepL for fun and comparison. Wish you kept that with the others. Anyway, fun little things.
About the second: There are two (technically 3) relevant influences for that kind of stuff. One being that my wife pulling that kind of stunt is simply one of my biggest fear because honestly, I don't have (and will never get) a job and have basically reached nothing in my life (which is ok to, I never had any high expectations to begin with), the only reason to actually care about myself is because I handle nearly everything for my wife from shopping to calling doctors and stuff (kinda like a secretary but better I guess). The second is that I always hat some kind of "kink" for topics like hurting yourself, hurting others, hopelessness and deathand yada yada, it's some "the romance of negativity thing". The third is basically just something that adds fuel to point number 2, I said technically 3 because it's strongly tied to the second. It's something called depressive suicidal black metal and it is something that (thank goodness) is so fucked up that it will never be able to become popular enough to become a useful industry, so there will never be significant money to make (some exceptions exist) and therefore the passion will always be the main reason for the musicians to record and publish their work.

About the third, it was indeed a typo, most likely caused by this auto correction thing my phone uses (I write my stuff and use bulbagarden on the phone only - unless ME is streaming, then I use bulbagarden on a PC, but that's probably less then 5% of the time), will take care about that soon.

About the german originals, there are 2 main problems with that, the first being that some things simply not work if I translate them, I wrote a text about insomnia which is build like this:
It is some kind of Monologe where I keep mentioning the time, the ticking noise of the alarm clock and the thoughts that run through my head while being unable to sleep. This looks pretty much like this:
It's 3am. I'm unable to sleep. Again. I can hear the time running by the ticking of my alarm clock.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
It's 03:10am. I wonder if......

And it goes on like this for a while and would technically work, but (this is why I mentioned this to begin with), at one point the text wouldn't work because of wordplay.
Specifically, the following part:

Es ist circa 5 vor 4...
Tick, tack, tick, tack, tick, tack...
Heißen Teigwaren Teigwaren weil sie vorher Teig waren?
Und was ist mit Fleischwaren?

Translated it would be

It's around 5 to 4am...
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...
Are dough products called dough products because they were dough beforehand?
And what about meat products?

The reason why this works in german is because "Waren" means goods/products while "waren" is a word used to describe a state of the past, in this case it would be used likes have been/has been.
Imagine it like this:
Are dough products called dough products because they products dough?
And now associate the fat written products with the meaning "have been".
I guess you've gotten the point by now.

The second reason it doesn't work out is that I use phrases and words that are fancier and more uncommon in the german everyday language. A good example is hospital. In Germany people say Krankenhaus. But that was to basic for me, so I used the word Spital instead (which also means hospital but that's how they call it in Austria so it's unusual to be used in Germany). Now it would technically work to just translate it to hospital, but it would loose the fanciness and this feeling of the usage of a bigger word pool. So in the end, it would still have the same meaning but would just sound pretty blunt compared to the original version.

I could still do it though, I just thought that people don't actually care to begin with (that's part of the reasons I haven't posted in a while).
 
Rating: Teen (just to be safe)
Written: 1st of March 2022

WARNING: Contains (minor) acts of sexual behavior and cheating

I've known you for years, yet you began to feel like a stranger;
The look in your face has changed, the way you treat me is different.
You're close, yet you feel so distant;
I'm lonely...
It's almost like solitary, I feel isolated and rejected;
Not wanted but endured, a necessary evil in your life...
And while you don't actually care, my brain keeps showing me images of you;
But they don't show your smile like they used to;
Instead, I see you touching her caressin her skin, grabbing her hair and kissing her thighs while you're exploring her body;
A feeling of agony slowly tears my heart apart;
Yet I stay;
Yet I take it;
Yet I endure it;
Being with you hurts, but being without you is not an option;
Living without you is like taking a bath while being fully clothed, there's just no point;
So all there is left is observing my heart getting torn apart;
Further and further;
Day after day...
 
Well this is sort of a depressing one. Have to say, absolutely hate cheating and stuff like that. But sadly, that's where some couple do end up in their lives: together by necessity, even if there's no love. It can especially be that way when they have kids. And others just don't have the strength to stand up against their spouse even as blatant cheating is going on in front of them. Really a real-life sort of issue in that way.
 
This has always been a topic that I worried about (even though it never happened to me technically). I occasionally dream about stuff like that, waking up afterwards is oddly uncomfortable for some reason.
 
Last edited:
Rating:Teen
Written: 12th of March 2022

ATTENTION: Mental health issues and self harm

Waking up, realizing where I am;
Yet not knowing who I am;
Or even what I am...
A floor made of concrete, surrounded by empty walls;
Are they coming closer?
Complete silence, yet I can hear the voices;
The voices that have become me;
They told me they're my friends;
They told me to doubt;
They told me to hate...
I remember that I used to smile;
However;
This smile is long gone...
When the light within me was devoured by shadows I embraced it;
Lost, forgotten and alone I decided to allow them to guide me;
The thought of someone who talks to me seemed appealing - even though it was only in my head;
But the longer I listened, the more I changed...
Now I'm stuck in this room, isolated and insane;
These voices haunt me, making me scream from the depths of my lungs, slamming my head against the wall over and over again;
BE QUIET!
They're laughing at me, mocking me for being weak - and I can't do a thing about it...
While finally loosing the last bit of humanity I notice something;
You don't need to lock up a man to make him a prisoner - you just need his mind to become the prison...
 
So I decided to try and translate one of my personal favorites (and I hope I'll be able to at least barely catch the "magic" of the original)

Written: 15th of December 2020
Rating: Everyone

ATTENTION: It's about a coma state, just in case someone had/has bad experiences with that (like a relative being in a coma or something like that)

German version:

Wie geht es ihm heute?
Unverändert, er wacht immer noch nicht auf.
Vielleicht wird er auch nie mehr aufwachen.
Alles was wir tun können ist warten...

Immer wieder...
Immer wieder muss ich solche Dialoge mit anhören...
Und ich kann nichts tun...
Nichts tun, außer da liegen, und das piepen der Maschine ertragen....
Es macht mich rasend, es ist unerträglich, es treibt mich in den Wahnsinn;
Diese ständige piepen das einfach nicht aufhört;
Es ist wie chinesische Tropfenfolter...
Ich weiß nicht, wie lange ich mittlerweile hier bin....
Sind es Tage?
Sind es Wochen?
Sind es Monate?
Oder sogar schon... Jahre?
Es kommt mir vor wie die Ewigkeit....
Aber ich kann sie doch hören!
Ich kann hören, wie die Schwestern vorbei laufen!
Ich kann hören, wie die Ärzte während der Visite über mich reden!
Wie sie sich darüber unterhalten, dass SIE jeden Tag bei mir ist...
Wie sie sich darüber unterhalten, wie leid sie ihnen tut...
Ich würde ihr so gerne sagen, wie leid sie MIR tut;
Aber nichts, keinen Ton kriege ich raus, obwohl ich sie doch hören kann, obwohl ich doch alles spüren kann!
Ich kann spüren, wie sie die Zugänge erneuern!
Ich spüre die Feuchtigkeit wenn sie mich waschen!
Ich spüre, wie die Schwestern mich bewegen damit ich mich nicht wund liege!
Ich spüre, wie SIE meine Hand hält...
Wie sie zittert, während sie mir durchs Haar streichelt...
Wie ein Tropfen meine Lippen benetzt...
Wie sie weint...
Könnte ich doch nur selbst den Stecker ziehen...
Es einfach beenden...
Das beenden, was schon vor langer Zeit begonnen hat...
Sterben...
NEIN!
Nicht hier!
Nicht auf diese Weise!
Und schon garnicht jetzt, wo sie neben mir sitzt und meine Hand hält!
Könnte ich mich doch nur bewegen...
Ich würde in ihre Augen sehen, so wie ich ihr in die Augen blickte als ich ihr das Ja Wort gab!
Könnte ich doch nur in ihre Augen schauen, und ihr sagen, dass alles gut wird, dass sie stark war so lange durchzuhalten, dass ich ihr danke...
Dass ich sie liebe...
Ich spüre wie mein Herz bei dem Gedanken anfängt zu rasen, das piepen des Herzmonitors wird immer schneller, plötzlich springt sie auf - sie springt auf und ich höre sie rennen;
Ich höre sie rennen und die Tür aufreißen;
Sie schreit;
HERR DOKTOR, HERR DOKTOR, KOMMEN SIE SCHNELL!
Schritte donnern durch den Flur als wäre eine Büffelherde im Spital;
Eine Stimme fragt erregt, was passiert sei;
Was sie dann sagte schlug ein wie der Little Boy...
Er hat meine Hand gegriffen...
Ich höre, wie sich jemand meinem Bett nähert...
Meine Augenlider werden auseinander gezogen, und ich kann den widerlichen Gestank von Gummihandschuhen riechen;
Dann vernehme ich ein klicken und werde geblendet als würde ich direkt in die Sonne starren;
Kurz darauf spricht der Doktor...
Und was er sagt werde ich nie wieder vergessen, denn ich habe nicht damit gerechnet diese Worte jemals zu hören...
Er wacht auf...

Note: I made minor changes to the original to make the translation more accurate

Translation:

How is he today?
His state is unchanged, he's still not waking up.
Maybe he won't wake up after all.
All we can do is waiting...

Again...
Over and over again I have to hear dialogues like that...
And I can do nothing...
Nothing, except for lying here and enduring the beeps of the machines;
It's infuriating, it's unbearable, it drives me insane;
This continual beeping that just won't stop;
Like chinese water drop torture...
I don't know how long I've been here by now...
For days?
For weeks?
For months?
Or even... For years?
It feels like eternity...
But I can hear them!
I can hear the nurses pass by!
I can hear the doctors talk about me during the visits!
How they are talking about that she is with me every day...
How they are feeling sorry for her...
I would love to tell her how sorry I feel for her;
But no, I'm unable to say something although I can hear them, although I can feel everything!
I can feel how they replace my intravenous accesses!
I can feel the moisture on my skin while they're washing me!
I can feel how the nurses are moving me to prevent me from bed sores!
I can feel her holding my hand...
How she's shivering when she caresses my hair...
How a drop wetten my lips...
How she's crying...
If I could just pull the plug...
Just end it...
Finish what started a long time ago...
Die...
NO!
Not here!
Not like this!
And especially not now, while she's sitting here, holding my hand!
If I could move...
I would look into her eyes, the same way I did it when I answered "I do"!
If I could just look into her eyes and tell her that everything will be fine, that she was strong for holding on all that time, that I wanna thank her...
That I love her...
I can feel how that thought makes my heart race, the beeping from the monitor goes faster and faster, suddenly she leaps up - she leaps up and I can hear how she runs;
I can hear her rushing towards the door, opening it;
She screams;
DOCTOR, DOCTOR, COME OVER, HURRY!
Steps are rumbling through the hospital floor, it's almost like a buffalo stampede;
An excited voice asks about what happened;
Her answer makes an impact like the Little Boy...
He grabbed my hand...
I can hear someone coming closer to my bed...
My eyelids are getting pulled apart and I can smell that disgusting scent of latex gloves;
I hear a clicking noise and suddenly get dazzled like I was staring directly into the sun;
The doctor starts to talk;
And I will never forget his words because I never ever expected to actually hear what he told her...
He's coming back...
 
Written: Monday, 21st of March 2022
Rating: Teen

ATTENTION: Allusion to suicide

Inspired by Nocturnal Depressions Her ghost haunts these walls (2017 Version)

After all this time I still can't forget you;
You've been gone for months;
But all the memories keep me from letting you go;
This house, which used to be warm and full of life, turned into a cold and empty place;
I removed all the pictures of you;
But it's no use;
Your face is burned into my mind;
How could I forget your smile?
How could I forget these eyes after looking into them day after day, for so many years?
Sometimes I think I can still smell your perfume;
Sometimes I hear your voice in the wind, calling for me, whispering my name;
I keep waking up, drained in sweat, just to realize that I am alone in our bed;
And every time I wish I could cry, but I don't have the strength for that anymore, so I just stare at the side of the mattress where you used to lie beside me, thinking about how beautiful you were when you slept, and realizing that it will never be the same;
I'm not living anymore, just bearing the curse of existence;
How could I live without you?
How could I live without you if you were my life?
It's odd how this house turned into ruins to me without ever being damaged;
The ruins of my life;
The ruins of us;
I've come to realize that there is only one thing left for me to do;
I'll take your hand;
I'll follow you...
 
Last edited:
Written: 19th of April 2022
Rating: Everyone

Inspired by Morgengrau's Blutmond

I'm watching you from a forest clearing;
Surrounded by spruces, cloaked in shadows;
Though your light is dimmed, it dazzles me;
A shade of copper covers your surface;
Grey clouds pass by, occasionally hiding your beauty, adding a little mystery to your presence;
The eerie flair that comes with you is what makes you unique;
Like a sirene you call for me;
Make me wander through the night;
Guiding me through the darkness;
Fulfilling my heart with longing;
Slowly I reach out my hand, grasping the air while trying to grab you;
So close but yet so far away;
Your spell is a curse, yet I don't try to resist it;
The slight pain in my chest is oddly satisfying;
The only moment I'm able to feel, a desire for the thing I can't have;
A behavior that is part of our nature, making me feel like a human being for once;
For once I don't feel alone;
For once I'm not an empty shell;
I cherish every second that I'm here;
Alone, but not lonely;
Weak and vulnerable, but that's ok;
You would never hurt me;
Our bond is unique, a special connection that goes beyond the understanding of other people;
With each passing minute our time runs out;
A single tear runs down my cheek;
Your reflection twinkles on the salty drop that runs down my face;
Soon you'll be gone again;
Gone, for a long time;
Leaving me behind in a world that feels hollow and cold;
A world where a person like me doesn't fit in;
Making me wait, stalking the sky night after night;
Hoping to see you ascending on the horizon, hypnotizing me with your shade of copper again...
 
Written: Tuesday, 7th of June 2022
Rating: Mature

WARNING: Suicide and gore

Sometimes I wonder;
Wonder how it feels;
How it feels to cut my throat open;
The icey bite of a knife penetrating my flesh;
Moving back and forth while harshly tearing on my skin;
I'm freezing even though I can feel the heat of blood running down my neck;
Running down my chest;
And the more runs down my body the beat of my heart becomes less and less;
Fading like memories of childhood days;
My body begins to feel heavier and heavier;
Soon I can't resist the gravity anymore;
I fall on my knees before finally collapsing;
In my last moments I think about how my blood leaves my body;
And with the blood running out of my throat, my life runs out too;
Followed by my soul;
Leaving my pale body on the ground;
Finally escaping the prison that held it captured in this world for all those years...
 
Written: Tuesday, 7th of June 2022
Rating: Teen

Warning: Contains cursing

How are you?
What's up?
How's it going?
Are you ok?
Just stop thinking about it.
How many times have I heard these kind of things;
But what do they mean?
Do they even mean something?
I don't think so;
Just empty words, spoken by idiots who'll never understand;
Or who don't actually care;
They jut pretend they do so they feel better themselves;
It's their good deed of the day;
Their justification to pretend they're a nice person, because that's how they portrait themselves on Instagram and Facebook and shit;
Fake people wanting fake approval by other fake people;
They do everything they can to pretend they are special;
To pretend they're some kind of individual rather than just another one of all those fools;
To distract them from the fact that they aint;
That they're just a generic poser like all their friends;
Because deep inside they know that they're empty;
They are aware of being just as exchangeable and meaningless as a pack of batteries;
And because of that they go out;
They go out to clubs and cinemas and all that other bullshit, mingling with others of their kind just to get distracted from the fact that they are nothing - and the most hilarious thing is that all the mingling just makes them even less special;
They become just another part of the gray mass;
Fucking morons...
 
Written: Sunday, 19th of June 2022
Rating: Teen

ATTENTION: Contains drug abuse and suicide

Today shall be the day;
The one day;
The day I've been waiting for for all these years;
Left behind by the one person I actually cared about;
The one person that gave this pointless existence a meaning;
The one who made me feel like I was actually alive;
The one who was my life...
Every day since then I spent trying to run away from reality;
Locked up in my room, gulping down the liquor like I found an oasis after being lost in the desert for 3 days;
Creating more smoke on the water than Deep Purple;
And snorting speed like a vacuum cleaner;
I've spent the last 3 years living like that;
But in the end reality will get you again;
And it hurts even worse when you're crashing after being fucked up for 6 days straight;
No sleeping, just destroying my body and spending hours staring at empty walls;
Turning my body in the same type of ruin my life became;
Until I realized that this ain't the right way;
I take a bottle of the good ol' Jäger;
Grab the bong and head to the roof;
The roof...
Rain is falling;
I can see the stars getting revealed by the passing clouds;
One of them is her;
Shining down on me;
The roof is where I'm closest to her;
Knowing she's somewhere out there;
And remembering the time we spent here together;
I raise the bottle towards the sky;
This one's on you;
The stuff that one's tasted awesome is just disgusting nowadays;
Just like my life;
While sitting on the edge of the rooftop I light up the cherry;
Back in the days this fulfilled me with joy;
Now it's just making me cry;
Just like looking at a picture of her;
After drinking the rest of the the bottle I drop it from the roof;
Almost 8 seconds before I can hear the noise of shattering glass;
I look at the stars one last time;
Then I shift my weight towards the ground;
The acceleration tears my last tear from the skin of my cheek;
Soon I'll be with you again;
With a disgusting sound my body hits the pavement;
And all that is left is the sound of the falling rain...
 
Written: Friday, 4th of November 2022
Rating: Teen

ATTENTION: Contains drug use and addictive behavior, readers discretion advised

Grab the clipper, light it up;
The water keeps bubbling while I'm inhaling;
Smoke clouds my vision as I breathe out;
Beginning to feel like been hit by a car;
My mind's going crazy as I stare at the ceiling;
Mouth's as dry as my math class has been;
Suddenly my heart starts racing;
I mumble „This is fucked up...
Panic devours me;
Doubts and paranoia are dominating my thoughts, making me feel vulnerable and insecure;
I'm a failure;
That shit can make me uncomfortable yet I won't stop doing it;
The possibility of escaping all that buzz seems to be with the risk;
Kinda pathetic but who gives a shit;
Open the bag again, take some and crunch it;
Back to step one, grab the clipper, light it up...
 
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