Rate the User Above's Joke

[AlexandraTheZoroark]

9/10 :XD2:

I asked my friend "Why is your nose so red and puffy?" She said "I stopped to smell a brose" I said "Smell a brose? There's no 'b' in 'rose'!" My friend said "There was in that one!"

 

[EspeonUsedDazzlingGleam]

7/10 not bad.

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot that will be a pet for her, her husband, and her two teenage daughters. When she picks out the parrot she wants, she calls over a worker so he can let the bird out of the cage and she could buy it.

Employee: Okay, before I let you buy this bird, I must warn you that it was rescued from a local whorehouse, so you may hear it say some...things...and they may shock you. Are you sure you still want to buy this parrot?

The woman agrees to buy the bird anyway--after all, the employee did warn her--so she buys the parrot and takes it home with her. She puts the cage on a table in the living room. The bird looks around the room and says,

Parrot: New house, new madam.

Woman: e_o Well, he did warn me...

About an hour later, the daughters come home from school. The bird looks at them and says,

Parrot: New house, new madam, new girls.

Woman & Daughters: 8-O (well, the guy did warn them...)

About two hours later, the father comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says,

Parrot: Hi, Steve!

Big hit with my friends at school. Now we all call each other Steve as a joke.

 

[CuboneKing]

6/10 Meh.

A bartender serves a 17-year old a beer. Another man says, "Hey, you can't do that! He's not 18!"

Yet another man says, "The legal drinking age is 21."

The first other man replies, "Oops."

 

[DracoMan]

pi/10

I was watching the news and they were covering a dreidel-spinning competition in Tel-Aviv. That was their top story. *rimshot*

 

[EspeonUsedDazzlingGleam]

1/10 That really sucked.

Two fish were swimming in the middle of the ocean. One of them runs into a brick wall; so the other fish said, "DAM(N)!" *rimshot*

Then the first fish had to be treated by a sturgeon. *rimshot*

 

[Sgt.Pepper's]

5/10 meh

where does the general keep his armies?
in Iraq.

 

[DracoMan]

0/10 I don't get it. And I just got ninja'd. &%@#.

Two guys were canoeing in Alaska when they decided to light a fire. The canoe burned up and sank, thus proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. *rimshot*

 

[EspeonUsedDazzlingGleam]

@$#% I got ninja'd again! And can we rate using negative numbers? Cuz DracoMan's joke sucked so badly that my avatar just face-palmed itself.

One day a little boy went back into his house after playing outside for almost an hour. He went into the kitchen to talk to his mom and he said, "Mommy, there's a dead cat outside."

The mother became worried. "Oh, how awful! Are you sure it's dead?"

"Yeah, I pissed in it's ear but it didn't move."

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!?"

"I knelt down on the ground, got next to its ear, and went, 'Pssssssst!'"

 

[Magnagarde]

Pffft 4/10

Why did the spy cross the road?

Spoiler

He didn't. He never really was on your side.

 

[DracoMan]

-5/10 There. I just used a negative number.

An old-style warship was sailing when the man in the crow's nest said, "Captain, there's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turned to his assistant and said, "Bring me my red jacket."

The assistant brought the red jacket, the captain put it on and he took his ship into a fierce battle that went on all day. Afterwards, the assistant asked the captain why he wanted the red jacket.

The captain said, "So that if I get shot, the men won't see the blood and they'll continue to fight on." The assistant thought that was cool.

The next day, the guy in the crow's next reported, "Captain, there are twelve enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain turned to his assistant and said, "Bring me my brown pants."

 

[Zhwoobatte]

9/10 Potty humor FTW!

why did the boy on stilts answer the telephone?

Spoiler

Because it was ringing.

 

[DracoMan]

-10/10 That was just bad.

Two priests die and go to Heaven, but St. Peter stops them and tells them that there won't be any room for them until the new expansion is complete. Until then, he has to send them back to Earth, but in any form they choose. The first priest decides he wants to be an eagle, while the second priest decides he wants to go back to Earth as a cool stud. And so spoken, so done.

A week later, when the expansion is finished, God tells Peter to fetch the two priests. Peter tells Him that one will be easy to find, as he is currently flying over the Rockies. The other one, however, will be harder to locate, as he is currently on a snow tire in Michigan.

 

[AlexandraTheZoroark]

?/10 I don't undersand that one :-/ ...


This is some jingle from the 1960's that has to do with Alice in Wonderland:

One pill makes you happy
The other makes you small
The one that mother gives you
Doesn't do anything at all
Ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

I'm in my middle school's play this year, which is Alice in Wonderland, and my play director told us that one.

 

[Neon_Seadra No. 10]

2/10

I know this one sucks, but it's worth a cheap laugh:

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Spoiler

Poke her face!

 

[EspeonUsedDazzlingGleam]

Normally I would rate jokes like that very harshly cuz I hate puns, but I give it an 8/10 cuz I don't like Lady Gaga much.

Doctor: Jim, I got the results of your test back the other day; I have some bad news and some worse news.

Jim: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The bad news is you have a horrible disease that will kill you in 24 hours.

Jim: Oh my God! What's the worse news?!

Doctor: I forgot to call you and tell you about it yesterday.

 

[DracoMan]

(e^2)/10

Rectum: Damn near killed 'em.

 

[Neon_Seadra No. 10]

4/10. You used the word "rectum" which got you extra points but I didn't get the joke in the first place.

What did the blonde do when she found out that 90% of accidents happen at home?

Spoiler

She moved.

 

[DracoMan]

9/10 for the blond joke.

A genie granted a wish to a guy who asked for the Midas touch. Now everything he touches turns into a muffler.

 

[Blue-Mew]

7/10.

Little girl: Why can't you just tell me about Vietnam?!

Father: BECAUSE IT'S NOT AN ISSUE FOR KIDS!!

Little girl: It's not?

Father: NO!

Little girl: ........ how about you explain it to me without the pornographic parts?

 

[DracoMan]

???

Scary chemistry stories: Tales from the Krypton.