EVERYONE: Ruby and Sapphire 2

[Fairy Type Arceus]

Hoenn 20 years after the events of ruby and sapphire. In the city of Rustboro our story begins in the Pokemon trainers school. The teacher at the front, a women in her 40's is giving a lecture while the class listens attentively...well most of the class anyway.

"Zzz" one of the boys was snoring away. He had messy light brown hair and dressed like he had thrown his outfit on moments before running out the door.

The girl next to him in contrast was well dressed and very attentive to the teacher, writing notes at blitzing speeds. She had the same hair color and looked a bit like the boy next to her, she elbowed him awake quietly. "Wake up bro, the test is starting soon." She whispered to him. He woke with a jolt.

"Sorry I had been studying all night sis, I didn't get any sleep." The boy whispered back worried.

"We have big shoes to fill I get it, but don't be nervous you got this." She whispered while giving him a gentle nudge.

"Easy for you to say, you're the twin with all the talent." He said, a hint of jealously in his voice.

The teacher began handing out papers stopping at the boy and girls desks, while handing them their papers she said to them, "I expect great things from you two, Norman, Lucy."

"Thanks, Mrs. Roxanne." Lucy said eagerly.

"Y...yeah people tell me that alot...thanks I guess." Norman said hesitation in his voice.

The test was something new to the Hoenn region, to own a pokemon trainers had to go to the trainer school and pass a test to gain a license to own a Pokemon. Norman grabbed his pencil breathed in and out slowly anf began his test. Almost as soon as his eyes hit the paper the words almost looked like they were written in unown runes. The world began spinning, he could feel the pressure of a thousand eyes watching him, he could feel each drop of sweat fall off his face. Looking over to his sister she was fast at work, no even faster than every other student she was already on the second page. The panic began to sweep over him and his breathing became shallow. The words of every person who ever said to him "we expect great things from you, came back one by one, until the last voice, the voice of his father saying the same things came to mind. Norman pinched his leg and started deep breathing, chanting to himself, "You can do it." over and over until he finally calmed down. He filled out the bubbles as best he could while maintaining the pinch on his left leg to keep calm.

Once the test was finished he handed the paper in, of course he was last to hand it in, and with only minutes left before the test time expired. He sighed a breathe of relief the moment the paper left his hand and began walking home with his sister. A worried look on her face watching her brother the whole test made her want to say something but she knew anything she said might make it worse. After a bit of walking she asked him sheepishly "So what did you get?"

"A 70, exactly what was needed to pass, and let me guess you got a 100? And all the extra credit questions?" He said glumly

"Uh huh, but don't worry about how good I do, you still passed, thats great, remember mom said she would give us a Pokemon if we passed, lets look forward to that!" Lucy said, trying to cheer her brother up.

Norman looked up for a moment, a pokemon huh, yet another thing to be compared to his father with, and now his super talented sister too, his twin no less. Why did he even want to be a trainer? To live up to everyones expectations? Why? It was impossible anyway, when his mother was the professor of the region, and his father was not only the champion, but a hero who had saved the region from disaster twice, those shoes were to big to fill even if he wasn't a talentless loser. He look up away from his sister.

"She can keep them." Norman said, all emotion drained from his voice.

"Oh...but I thought you..." Before she could finish talking Norman walked faster a head of her and through his door in little root town. His parents were not home but his two grandfathers were, watching him storm upstairs they didn't say anything not knowing what to say. About 20 minutes passed before the thinner of his two grandfathers walked up stairs and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Norman asked with defeat in his voice.

"Its grandpa, can we talk sport?" The old man said from behind the door.

Norman opened the door to let him in, and they sat across from one another, the older man with black hair, but greys beginning to show began to talk.

"Lucy tells me you seem upset, whats going on?"

"Nothing grand pa Norman, its just I'll never live up to any of your guys expectations, and now Lucy is about to join that list." Norman explained.

"You don't need to live up to anything, its your life, it should shine in its own way." The older Norman said.

"I still want to be a Pokemon trainer, its just I don't have the confidence now." Norman said

"Confidence huh? You know you remind me of this boy who was even worse with it, hes a very good trainer now. Do you know why that is?" The older Norman asked.

"Why?" Norman asked genuinely curious.

"Because his bond with his Pokemon gave him the confidence, allowing him to make greater connections with his Pokemon than a trainer who thinks they know everything already. I never really liked that trainer test, it doesn't show a trainers true potential, don't worry about it."

"Is that so?" Norman asked wiping a tear from his eye.

"Yeah, why don't we go see a contest and cheer you up? That idol from galar you think is cute is going to participate in Slateport today. "

The sad look in Norman's eyes turned to joy as he jumped at his grand pa giving him a bug hug. He had been the only one to not go on with the big expectations line thay everyone else was saying so his words hit home much better than anyone elses, Norman sometimes felt his grandpa Norman was the only one who understood him. They left before his mother or father came home and arrived in Slateport, got their tickets and went to their seats.

"And now ladies and gentlement let us introduce our four contestants!" The announcer said.

Norman could hardly care about the other three, his eyes were all on the Galarian idol, the dark skinned Violet, while not caring too much for contests he did have a crush in this girl, an upcoming idol and close to his age to boot. True to her name, she wore a violet dress, violet lipstick, everything from the flower in her hair to the shoes on her feet were violet. Norman was wondering if her Pokemon would be a poison type to match her aesthetic, but to his surprise she sent out a Scorbunny.

"Alright Scorbunny lets show then our appeal! Use flame charge at the substitute doll and then dash out the embers with quick attack!" Violet commanded her Pokemon.

Scorbunny did as instructed, charging the doll with flames building up from its feet up to its head as it raced towards its target, but as it did it caught a glimpse of the crowd and a look very familiar to Norman overtook the small rabbits face as its flames sizzled out and it face planted into the doll. The crowd grew silent and Scorbunny only grew more nervous, breathing heavily, it ran off stage follower by its trainer.

"What happened?" The older Norman asked.

"It...panicked." Norman said knowing all too well what Scorbunny wass feeling.

Norman followed after the pair leaving his grand pa behind with the excuse of having to use the bathroom. Norman looked around the outside of the contest hall, it was now dark outside. Norman began to turn back after searching for 10 minutes before he heard something that sounded like screaming. He followed the sound to an alleyway where he found violet screaming at a shivering Scorbunny.

"You worthless pokemon, everyone was watching, EVERYONE, and you failed me, I should release you to a pack of mightyena right now!" Violet was screaming so loud that it could be heard down the road by a deaf person. Norman began thinking he should do something, say something, anything, but his legs would not move, and his voice would not come out. Scorbunny, crying tried hugging its trainers leg only to be kicked against a wall. Norman gasped seeing the girl he liked acting like this, his knees started to shake and he was unsure what he should do. "You know what happens to pokemon that fail to meet my expectations don't you?" The words rang in normans ears for what felt like hours, but he had no time to process it as he saw her take out a whip from her bag, without even realizing it himself he dashed out and took the lash for Scorbunny.

"Who are you? Stay out of this it has nothing to do with you!" Violet screamed at Norman.

"Leave this Scorbunny alone, it was doing its best for you, you're putting it under to much pressure, and the whip is going too far!" Norman said in such an angry tone he surprised himself.

"Its my Pokemon I can train it anyway I want to, but out!" Furious she raised the whip again to hit Norman, with intent this time, as she did Scorbunny kicked it out of her hand standing between her and Norman. "Fine, if thats how it is, then get out of my sight!" She said tossing Scorbunnys pokeball at Norman. "Have fun with your useless pokemon!" She said before running off.

Norman fell to the ground and Scorbunny came up to him, tears welling up in both their eyes. Scorbunny sat down in Normans lap as he smiled at the trainer, Norman found himself smiling back.

"I guess we were both scared back there, but together we found our confidence huh?" Norman asked almost expecting the Pokemon to talk back to him in english, the Scorbunny smiled and nodded its head. "What do you say, want to be my partner? We'll make our lives shine our way, without worrying what people expect." Norman said the tears now all dried up.

Scorbunny got a look in its eyes of pure happiness and jumped for joy, finally stopping to put its hand on the pokeball and nodding. "Then its settled, starting today we live our lives our way, partner."

Chapter 1 end

 

[SpinyShell]

I like Norman Jr's character and his stress and anxiety over not living up to others' expectations and not being an A+ student like his sister. I do enjoy character's that aren't prodigies, and I think he has a lot of potential for growth and interesting character interactions. Having him pinch his leg as a way to try and calm himself was a bit intense and it makes me wonder if you intend to introduce more serious subjects like mental health issues. To shift gears a little, seeing him connect with Scorbunny was a really sweet moment, and I'm interested in seeing how Norman will grow alongside it. I'd also like to note the worldbuilding about how children are now required to take a test to be able to own a Pokémon, and makes me curious what other changes have been implemented since the original RSE protagonists' childhoods.

Now, I noticed a couple technical errors in your writing, and I remember from glancing through some of your older stories that other reviewers brought this up as well. While a reader may give a pass to a lone mistake, when there's several of them they can really bring the reader out of the story. The most common errors I noticed were missing apostrophes (thats instead of that's, its instead of it's, girls desks instead of girl's desks etc.) and putting periods at the ends of quotes instead of commas. I noticed a couple other mistakes as well, but I'll leave them for you to find as an exercise in proof-reading. If you're unsure about whether or not a word needs an apostrophe or whether you should end a quote with a period or comma, or any other technical stuff really, there are plenty of writing guides online that can be really helpful. Many of my English/writing class TAs/teachers/professors have recommended Purdue's website for help with writing. While it is for academic writing specifically, I do think the technical section can still be of use. Outside of writing guides, word processors like Microsoft Word and Google Docs can sometimes catch small errors like this, and I've heard of websites that will check your story for technical accuracy as well if you don't have access to either of those. I know Grammarly is one such site, however I've never used it so I don't know how good it actually is. Proof-reading your story as well as recruiting someone else like a family member, close friend, or even asking around in the Writer's Hub to look over your work is also a great way to catch these mistakes, as well as get feedback beyond just the technical stuff.

Outside of the technical stuff, I noticed that the story rushes at certain parts. For example, the transition from the contest to the aftermath is really rushed in my opinion. When stories rush, I oftentimes get confused because the story races so quickly that it doesn't properly set things up. I can understand wanting to get to the confrontation between Normal Jr and Violet, but I think slowing down a bit would be nice. Outside of pacing, I did find the ending to be too over-the-top in my opinion. Having a child who abuses her Pokémon because she's upset is one thing, having a young girl randomly pull out a whip to beat her Pokémon with is a little excessive methinks.

 

[Fairy Type Arceus]

I like Norman Jr's character and his stress and anxiety over not living up to others' expectations and not being an A+ student like his sister. I do enjoy character's that aren't prodigies, and I think he has a lot of potential for growth and interesting character interactions. Having him pinch his leg as a way to try and calm himself was a bit intense and it makes me wonder if you intend to introduce more serious subjects like mental health issues. To shift gears a little, seeing him connect with Scorbunny was a really sweet moment, and I'm interested in seeing how Norman will grow alongside it. I'd also like to note the worldbuilding about how children are now required to take a test to be able to own a Pokémon, and makes me curious what other changes have been implemented since the original RSE protagonists' childhoods.

Now, I noticed a couple technical errors in your writing, and I remember from glancing through some of your older stories that other reviewers brought this up as well. While a reader may give a pass to a lone mistake, when there's several of them they can really bring the reader out of the story. The most common errors I noticed were missing apostrophes (thats instead of that's, its instead of it's, girls desks instead of girl's desks etc.) and putting periods at the ends of quotes instead of commas. I noticed a couple other mistakes as well, but I'll leave them for you to find as an exercise in proof-reading. If you're unsure about whether or not a word needs an apostrophe or whether you should end a quote with a period or comma, or any other technical stuff really, there are plenty of writing guides online that can be really helpful. Many of my English/writing class TAs/teachers/professors have recommended Purdue's website for help with writing. While it is for academic writing specifically, I do think the technical section can still be of use. Outside of writing guides, word processors like Microsoft Word and Google Docs can sometimes catch small errors like this, and I've heard of websites that will check your story for technical accuracy as well if you don't have access to either of those. I know Grammarly is one such site, however I've never used it so I don't know how good it actually is. Proof-reading your story as well as recruiting someone else like a family member, close friend, or even asking around in the Writer's Hub to look over your work is also a great way to catch these mistakes, as well as get feedback beyond just the technical stuff.

Outside of the technical stuff, I noticed that the story rushes at certain parts. For example, the transition from the contest to the aftermath is really rushed in my opinion. When stories rush, I oftentimes get confused because the story races so quickly that it doesn't properly set things up. I can understand wanting to get to the confrontation between Normal Jr and Violet, but I think slowing down a bit would be nice. Outside of pacing, I did find the ending to be too over-the-top in my opinion. Having a child who abuses her Pokémon because she's upset is one thing, having a young girl randomly pull out a whip to beat her Pokémon with is a little excessive methinks.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my fanfic. The constructive criticism is something I'll keep in mind when writing chapter two. For some of the problems, I was typing this on my phone at work, (I work night shifts so its usually pretty dead) and that may have affected some bits of the writing. Apostrophes though are probably one of my many weak points and I do see the need to improve on it.

I included the whip to make it more dramatic, but I can see where it might have gone too far, maybe having her start another kick might have been better. I also felt it was dragging a bit, it had gone on for a while and Norman hadn't yet gotten his first Pokemon and I didn't want to bore down the story with the contest too much, since in the grand scheme of the story it wasn't necessary Although I had planned to write more of it at first. But I will keep in mind the pacing for the next chapter. Once again thank you!

 

[Fairy Type Arceus]

Chapter 2: Team Votum

The sun rose, shining its lights through the window of young Norman's window, it's rays finding their way directly into his eyes waking him up. He was back at home, in his bed, Scorbunny sleeping on his lap. He looked around confused, and then realized he passed out there in the streets in Slateport. It didn't take long for Norman to come to the conclusion that his grandpa must have found him and carried him home. He took out his pokeball that had been thrown at him the night before, what had happened last night danced around in his mind. Norman replayed the events over and over in his head, that idol was no one to look up to if that was how she treated her pokemon. But what about himself he thought. Was he really qualified to be this Scorbunny's trainer? He placed the ball down on his night stand, as he did he noticed a note and a pokedex sitting on his desk. He picked up the note, it was from his sister.

"Hey bro, grandpa told me what happened last night, I'm not sure what happened but congratulations on getting your first pokemon. From here on we're not just siblings, but rivals. I'll be heading to the first gym in Rustboro, when we next meet it'll be in battle!
-Lucy
P.S, I left a pokedex on your desk that mom wanted you to have, she's going to be doing field research for a while out in Evergrande city with dad so she wasn't able to give it to you in person. You got this bro, see ya!"

Norman smiled, being called a rival gave him a bit of encouragement just as he was feeling doubt. After all what better way is there to improve than to have a rival who pushes you forward. Norman Got up waking Scorbunny. He began packing for his journey as Scorbunny hopped around him, sometimes so excited it would hit its head on the ceiling. Norman walked out of his door looking out at the wild terrain ahead of him, it was now that his journey began. He had set out with a goal in mind already, be a good trainer in his own right. What that meant he wasn't entirely sure yet. He walked through route 101, Scorbunny ran ahead of him, daring him to a race to which he smiled and accepted the challenge. As they raced into Oldale town the passerbys could see, these two were going places. With Sweat on his face, and a heaving lung he walked into the pokeshop, buying some potions, and some pokeballs.

"Alright Scorbunny, we need to get strong if we're going to challenge Mrs. Roxanne. Let's battle some trainers!" Norman said. Scorbunny heard this and nodded, a smile on its face as it raced into the next route before Norman could say anything else, he ran after Scorbunny only catching up once Scorbunny had stopped a nearby trainer. It was a young boy who was confused at the sudden appearance of Scorbunny.

"Sorry about that, we were just looking for some trainers to battle, any chance you're up for a bout?" Norman said embarrassed by Scorbunny's actions.

"Of course a trainer never backs down from a challenge! let's go Zigzagoon!" The young boy called out as he tossed a ball into the air, what came out wasn't what Norman was expecting however. This Zigzagoon was black and white, with a star pattern on its eyes, and, what looked like a little t-shirt on it that said, "I love to rock and roll all night."

"I thought Zigzagoons we're brown and white, what's going on with this one?" Norman asked

"My cousin traded me one from Galar, this is a regional form!" The Young boy said.

"I had no idea Zigzagoon could look so different in other regions, that's so cool!" Norman said excitedly. "Alright then let's get this started, go Scorbunny!" Norman commanded.



Scorbunny jumped forward to be face to face with the Zigzagoon. Before Norman even gave a command Scorbunny dashed at the Zigzagoon using quick attack, Norman tried to call out to Scorbunny to wait for a command but the small rabbit was to excited to listen. The young Boy called out to Zigzagoon to use sand attack, the Zigzagoon obeyed, throwing sand into Scorbunny's eyes and dodging out of the way of the pokemon's attack. The Boy then commanded his Zigzagoon to tackle Scorbunny. Norman called out to Scorbunny to jump, this time Scorbunny did obey, dodging out of the way of the attack. The boy smirked.

"Bad move, now you're stuck in mid air! Gene use pin missile!" The Boy cried out. The Zigzagoon, almost as if in sync with its trainers moved the moment it was commanded, little bristles turned bright white on its tail as they were fired off at Scorbunny, unable to dodge in mid air they landed striking hard into Scorbunny and knocking it back to the ground. Scorbunny struggled to stand back up but managed it. This time it looked back at its trainer, when Norman met eyes with Scorbunny he felt like Scorbunny was expecting something, was it a command? No it had a look of fear in its eye, like Norman might scold it for daring to mess up. Norman had a sad look in his eye for a second, what kind of trainer was Violet to this Scorbunny? His eyebrows furrowed, he grit his teeth and called out to Scorbunny.

"We can do it Scorbunny! This time we attack together as a team!" Norman called out. Scorbunny looked surprised at first, but then a look of determination came across it's face and it nodded in response. "Use quick attack to circle around the Zigzagoon and confuse it!" Norman commanded. Scorbunny did as it was told, circling the enemy in a circle as fast as it could. The Boy told Zigzagoon to wait for its moment to counter attack. Norman then commanded Scorbunny to use flame charge. Stopping behind the Zigzagoon Scorbunny charged, covered in flames. The boy called out to Zigzagoon to counter with a headbutt. As they two were about to clash head on Norman commanded Scorbunny again to jump over the Zigzagoon and dodge its attack. The boy looked confused as to why, until he realized flame charges second effect, a speed buff. Before he could react Scorbunny was already turned around charging back at the Zigzagoon from behind. "Double kick!" Norman shouted. The Scorbunny Hopped up and down twice while a png of two feet played jumped at the enemy pokemon kicking it once in the behind, and again in the ribs. The Zigzagoon went flying towards its trainer, knocked out. The boy returned Zigzagoon to its pokeball.

"Good job Gene, get some rest." The boy said to its pokemon, now contained within its pokeball. "You and that Scorbunny were pretty out of sync at first but you guys recovered really well. We should battle again some time!" The Boy exclaimed. Norman smiled and looked at Scorbunny, joy in both of their eyes.

"No I should thank you, seeing your pokemon be so in Sync with you showed us how we should battle. And sure anytime!"

The two parted ways and Noman continued onwards, passing through Petelburg, only stopping by to heal his pokemon. He already knew the gym leader here wouldn't let him challenge him unless he already had four badges, but still he stoped by to say hello to the gym leader, his grand pa Norman.

"I see you and Scorbunny are getting along very well." The older Norman said.

"Yeah we're setting out on our journey, we already won our first battle!" Norman said, a bright smile on his face. It was the happiest he had ever seen his grandson and it took the old gym leader by surprise. The smile he had just seen, he'd seen it once before, on the face of his son after he had beaten his old man in battle and gained his fifth gym badge. Norman gave his grandson a hug.

"Be safe out there, and when you've gotten four gym badges come back here for a battle with your grand pa." The older Norman said, his voice a bit shaky. His grandson hugged him back and dashed out the door with Scorbunny. A door opened from behind Norman and a man walked into the room.

"Looks like the new generations getting started huh?" The mystery man said to Norman.

"Yeah, reminds me of you and Brenden. When he gets to you make sure you give him a tough battle. He would hate it if you went easy on him because of who your boss is." Norman explained.

"Of course, I can't wait to see him in battle." The mysterious man said.




Norman and Scorbunny had crossed the tree line into Petalburg forest. As Norman continued running along as they had so far he noticed Scorbunny wasn't ahead of him like he normally is. he turned around to see Scorbunny frozen in its tracks. Norman walked back over to Scorbunny who began walking deep into the forest, in a zombie like state. Norman, curious followed Scorbunny, calling out to it had no effect and it kept walking. As they walked deeper Norman began to get this uneasy feeling and returned Scorbunny to its pokeball. As he did he heard some rustling in the bushes so he threw himself behind a tree for cover. Many Pokémon where all walking towards...something. It seemed like they were all zombies. Norman followed behind them while keeping himself covered. Norman swore he could voices in the distance. Is that what these Pokémon are heading towards? At the end of the trail was a group of men, wearing all white, with bleach blonde hair, each holding a candle. The man at the center of the group had a third eye painted onto his forehead. The group of men were chanting something strange and holding incense.

"The time is soon at hand my brothers. Gather as many sacrifices as you can, it will all be worth it for our grand goal," the man with the third eye said. The Pokémon all stopped in front of this man. He began to place some kind of tags on them. Norman could only watch in horror as he saw what happened next. the Pokémon began to have their energy drained from them, as this happened the man bowed before some kind of yellow sphere and began to say, "Soon you shall awaken, until then please accept our offer."

Norman was about to run for it when he heard a familiar scream. He turned around in horror hoping to be wrong.

"Don't you dare touch my Mudkip with your dirty hands you monsters!" A young girls voice screamed, desperation and anger in her voice. She was tied up to a tree along with several other trainers. It was Lucy, this group of madmen had captured her and several other trainers in the forest. Norman swallowed hard, his throat so dry that it barely went down. He couldn't run, but he couldn't just leave his sister here with these monsters. Should I send out Scorbunny, he thought to himself. No these guys have some mind control thing going on that's preventing the Pokémon from hearing their trainers orders. What do I do, he asked himself, he cursed himself for not being smart enough, if his sister couldn't do anything to stop these guys what hope does he have? Norman was about to have another panic attack when he looked down at his pokeball. No, he was different now, he had Scorbunny, he had to be strong, even if he was scared. Norman watched carefully for a chance to do anything, when an idea popped into his head, that thing they're bowing before has to be important. If he can steal it he might be able to distract them enough that their mind control is broken. Norman snuck around the group behind them, and as they were about to put the tags on Lucy's Mudkip Norman jumped out from the trees grabbing the sphere.

"Leave those Pokémon alone, or this thing will be scrambled eggs when I'm done with it," Norman said. He had said this only as a metaphor but the sphere did really feel like an egg. The group of men became concerned but the leader was unfazed.

"You dare oppose team Votum? Child it would be best for everyone if you put down our great savior and walked away from this," The mysterious cult like leader said, no emotions in his voice. Lucy only stared in amazement that Norman would have the courage to do this. She quickly pieced together what he was doing and gave him a nod, Norman nodded back and began a mad dash away from the group. Several men began charging after him, each sending out a psychic Pokémon. As the men had given chase to Norman the mind control came loose over the Pokémon and they regained their senses. Lucy saw her opening and was correct about her analysis, they needed atleast ten men to maintain the control they had in their ritual, and it required psychic type Pokémon. Lucy quickly commanded Mudkip to use mudslap on the leaders face, another trainer had ordered his Zangoose to cut the ropes loose. Once the trainers had been set free the leader of the group looked at them, face palmed and began to speak.

"Fools, do they not know we are trying to save them? It is fine for the day is nigh, and salvation is at hand, yes even for those ignorant to our cause," The strange man said. The trainers looked confused and where about to begin giving commands to their Pokémon but stopped when they saw the large Pokémon floating down behind the leader. Lucy who normally had a clam composure began to feel like Norman in the face of the Pokémon before her, all the other trainers took a step backwards in fear.

"Hoopa, could you please retrieve our savior?" The strange man had commanded the large intimidating Pokémon. A portal opened up in front of Hoopa, it reached it and grabbed something, it pulled its arm out and was holding Norman, a shocked look on his face. "You may go today child, your bravery has moved me. But do not get in our way again." With those words Hoopa opened a black ring and all of team Votum stepped into it leaving the trainers behind. Norman gave a confused look to Lucy. The whole group fell to the ground still in shock at what they saw. Lucy sat next to her brother.

"Thanks for saving us, if you hadn't come along we'd have been toast." Lucy said, genuinely thankful to see her brother. Norman had enever been the one to save Lucy from anything before and he felt happy to finally be of some use to her. He smiled at her.

"No problem anytime." he said with a grin

Chapter 2 end

 

[Psycho Monkey]

I'm really liking the story so far. RSE/ORAS are some of my favorite games in the series with Brendan+May being my absolute favorite ship so seeing their kids go on a journey was already enough to win me over. I also like the characterizations you've given the twins with Lucy being the spunky prodigy like her parents while Norman is overwhelmed with the prospect of having to live up to their legacy and is plagued by uncertainty because of it. I look forward to watching him and Scorbunny grow past their insecurities and find their own path through life. Team Voltum has also piqued my curiosity.

That said, I do have a few suggestions on how to improve your writing. First and foremost, leave out the youtube videos. I get wanting to find the right music while you write to set the mood -I do that too- but they have no place in the chapter proper. They're distracting and breakup the flow. The same with this part here: Hopped up and down twice while a png of two feet played. Making a joke like that in a forum post or on discord is one thing, but it doesn't translate well in writing a narrative. The only time a strikethrough should appear in a fic chapter is if one of the characters was reading a note or sign that had something crossed out on it.

As SpinyShell already mentioned before, some parts feel rushed so that's something you'll want to look out for. I'm a writer too so I understand feeling like you're spending too much time on a scene, feeling like a scene is dragging, or just being unsure on how to transition to the next scene. Sometimes you just need to take a step back, work on something else, or even sleep on it. Then when your mind is refreshed, come back, reread what you have so far, fix any errors you catch, maybe add more details and descriptions to fluff out the action a bit more or take out somethings that seemed like a good idea at the time but now hinders what you're trying to convey, and continue from there. I know you said you wrote the first chapter on your phone at work -and that's fine- but maybe wait to post until you get home and can cleanup the manuscript on PC. I get wanting to release a new chapter to the world as soon as you finish it but a little proofreading can go a long way.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing this story continue and hopefully watching you grow as a writer. You've got potential.

 

[Fairy Type Arceus]

So guys I'm back with chapter 3! It's been a very long break so it's going to be extra long! Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 3: The battle for the 1st gym badge.

After Norman had saved the group of trainers from team Votum they all took a long break, camping out for the night. One older man approached Norman as he was setting up his tent. The man wore a lab coat and had messy grey hair.

"Young trainer thank you for saving us, I want you to have this as a token of my appreciation. It is my life's work, although it is still just in beta." The old man said.

The old man gave Norman two micro chips. Norman looked up confused as to what they were. The old man seeing the confused look began to explain.

"You see I work for the Devon corporation, I made this chip that would allow trainers to hear the thoughts of their pokemon, but alas It only works when the trainer and the pokemon are both in a state of high emotional distress. Simply put the chip behind your and your pokemons right ear, and it should work...sometimes."

Norman smiled nervously as he took the chips and placed them behind his ear and then scorbunnys ear.

"Thanks, I'm sure it'll come in handy!" Norman said sounding upbeat.

The old man left, heading back to his tent. Lucy approached soon after. A smile on her face she sat down next to her brother and gave him a light tap on the arm.

"Proud of you bro. You stood up to that scary gang and saved our pokemon. I'm gonna have to make it up to you in Mrs.Roxannes gym challenge tomorrow." Lucy said with a competitive flair in her voice.

Norman dreaded the idea of having to go up against his sister in battle and sighed but quickly changed his expression to a fake smile.

"Yeah, I'm sure you could have handled them had your pokemon not been mind controlled though." Norman said pushing the thought of the gym challenge out of the conversation.

"Just remember you don't have to win on the first try, take your time." Lucy said as she went off to her tent for some sleep.

Norman forced himself to sleep. He woke up in the morning before the other trainers and went further in the woods with Scorbunny. He sent Scorbunny out of its pokeball and began explaining his game plan.

"OK, Mrs.Roxanne is a rock type gym leader, you have a bad type match up. So we're gonna need to catch a grass type like shroomish, so let's go find one partner!"

Scorbunny frowned at this idea, and started dragging its feet as they walked through the woods. Norman did not notice this at first and as soon as he saw a shroomish he bagn to command scorbunny.

"Alright let's weaken it with a quick att..."

Before Norman could even finish his sentence scorbunny was using flame charge on the shoormish knocking it out. Norman looked with disbelief as scorbunny walked away whistling like nothing happened.

"Why would you do that! I said we were going to weaken it!"

Norman head began to hurt as he could feel words, words that were not his own begin to enter his head.

"I want to take this gym on myself!"

Norman could tell right away, these were Scorbunnys thoughts. Scorbunny wanted to prove its strength in battle to Norman.

"Are you sure scorbunny? I'm sure there will be other gyms you are more suited for? " Norman asked, trying to talk some sense into Scorbunny.

"I want to show you I can do this! Let me take this gym on! I am strong!" Scorbunnys thoughts cried loudly into Norman's mind.

Norman paused, he knew scorbunny wanted this really badly. He relented and gave scorbunny a fist bump.

"But after this we need to start building a team buddy, you can have your chance to shine today though." Norman said.

Scorbunny nodded and the pair raced each other into Rustboro city. They took a quick rest stop at the pokecenter and then headed for the gym. Inside the gym as many as 20 to 30 trainers were waiting in line, the large arena was nearly filled. Norman waited his turn in line until he got to the front desk to sign up for the challenge.

"Hello and welcome to Rustboro city gym. How many badges do you have?" The clerk asked

"None" Norman replied.

"You can sign up with up to 2 pokemon then, what are you chosing?" The clerk asked

"Just my partner, Scorbunny." Norman said with confidence.

The clerk started at him for a moment with a look of confusion before just writing Scorbunny's name on to the paper.

"Good luck I guess." The clerk said.

Norman walked into the door meant for challengers with no gym badges. There he saw many trainers from the night before, including his sister. He gulped as he stepped into the large room. There was a second floor above him that could look directly down into the first floor. A voice began to speak on the intercoms.

"Welcome trainers. Please send out one of your two chosen pokemon for this challenge and take a seat in the second floor."

Norman did as instructed and sent out Scorbunny. He gave Scorbunny a fist bump and walked upstairs. After every trainer made it to the second floor boulders came flying down, one landing infront of every pokemon. The voice began speaking again.

"For the first test we will be testing your pokemons own abilities, and grit. If they can destroy the Boulder in front of them, they pass, if they can not you are out of the challenge. You have 5 minutes, begin!"

Right away a sense of dread came over Norman, knowing this would be tough for Scorbunny to do with no help from its trainer. The other pokemon immediately got to work, the fighting types broke the Boulder within seconds, it took grass and water types only a minute. Scorbunny on the other hand was struggling. All eyes were on him as he was the only one that had yet to break the boulder. This only made Scorbunny more upset, it chipped away at the rock as fast as it could with flame charge and double kick, but only got cracks. Norman began worrying Scorbunny would not be able to do it before the timer ran out. Norman could then begin to hear Scorbunnys thoughts.

"I have to prove to Norman, no to Violet, that I am strong! I won't disappoint another trainer! Come on! Come on! Break!!!" Scorbunnys thoughts came as a desperate plea.

Norman could feel scorbunnys emotions so clearly. He got up from his seat, slammed his hands on the railing and shouted to Scorbunny.

"You've got it all wrong! You don't have to prove to me you're strong! I already know that you are! PROVE IT TO YOURSELF!" Norman cried out.

Scorbunny could feel Norman's words, and it awakened something within Scorbunny. With only 10 seconds left on the clock, a faint red glow over came Scorbunny. He fired his last double kick at the boulder, shattering it into a million pieces. The voice on the intercoms turned on.

"Congratulations, all trainers pokemon have passed trial 1. Please proceed to the next room for your next test. You may switch pokemon if you desire."

Some trainers swapped pokemon to a more agile pokemon and they all continued into the next room. Like the last room trainers could only watch from the upper floors while the pokemon continued the test. This time Lucy sat next to Norman. The Pokémon on the floor below were presented with an obstacle course. Rocks rained from above them, there were trenches, and rock slides, boulders swinging from rope and more. The voice on the intercoms spoke again.

"Round 2 is an obstacle course, only the first 6 pokemon to make it to the end will pass this test. Ready, set, GO!"

Scorbunny was the fastest in the group, having already gotten a speed boost from several flame charges it had used on the boulder. It jumped from log to log evading the falling rocks, hopping over the swinging boulders and jumping right over the trench. The other Pokémon following close behind including mostly fast grass types, electric types and some flying types. Lucy's Tailow was a close second, keeping up with Scorbunny for the most part.

"The first test was rough for your scorbunny, but it looks right at home with this second test." Lucy said.

"Yeah, he might win this one pretty easy." Norman said with confidence in his voice.

"I wouldn't say it's over yet." Lucy said with a serious tone.

The last part of the course was a rock climbing wall. The flying types soared above it quickly, leaving Scorbunny behind. Scorbunny needed to be the next one up the wall, or he wouldn't pass. A pretty fast machop was gaining on him and Scorbunny began to get desperate and started panicking. Machop started tossing rocks at it to, forcing Scorbunny to dodge while climbing. It's face was filled with terror and anxiety as it desperately grabbed each rock one at a time. One rock hit Scorbunnys hand making it drop a few spots down before catching itself. Machop passed it during this moment and was nearing the top. Scorbunny looked up at Norman, and saw he was pinching himself to stay calm. Scorbunny did the same, taking a deep breath. Norman could feel the deep desire from Scorbunnys mind, to not give up yet. A light blue aura faintly covered Scorbunny as suddenly it hopped higher than it ever had before, zooming right to the top of the wall, passing the second round.

"What...was that?" Norman asked himself.

"Bounce, Scorbunny shouldn't be able to learn that move at its current level. It wanted to win so badly it forced its self to learn it, incredible." Lucy said in amazement.

"Yeah, but what about the au..." Before Norman could finish his sentence the intercom came on.

"Congratulations to all trainers that passed. Your pokemon have shown they have will as powerful and unshakeable as a mountain. You may proceed to the final test before you challenge our gym leader. Now show us the bond between trainer and pokemon!"

Norman inhaled deeply as the trainers all stepped into the next room. There was 3 battle arenas each with the trainers names on them. Only 3 trainers would get to challenge the gym leader.

"The final test is a battle between the remaining trainers, of the six of you, only 3 will advance. Your opponent is on the screen above."

Norman looked up at the screen in disbelief, his opponent was his sister, Lucy. What kind of sick joke is this? To have to go up against his prodigy of a twin sister? There was no way he could win. He began to shake until Scorbunny came up behind him, tugging on his sleeve. The sight of Scorbunnys smiling face reassured him. He stepped onto the stage facing his sister.

"This will be a 2 on 2 match, on 3 send out your pokemon! 1, 2, 3!"

"I would like to only use 1 pokemon, to be fair to my brother who only brought one!" Lucy told the judge.

The judge considered it a moment, and allowed it. Norman was relieved, but knew this meant she was taking it easy on him.
Norman sent out Scorbunny, and Lucy sent out her Mudkip. The two trainers stared into each other's eyes.

"Don't take it to personally when I win brother!" Lucy said with a grin.

"Hey that's my line! Let's go!" Norman shouted.

"Mudkip, use mudslap!"

"Dodge it with a quick attack!"

Both trainers made their commands to their pokemon, Scorbunny quickly followed orders, but to Norman's surprise Lucy's mudkip waited a moment, watching where Scorbunny was moving, and then used mudslap on the ground where Scorbunny was going to be, forcing him to slip and fall face first into the mud.

"Good! Now water gun!"

"Dodge with bounce!"

Scorbunny quickly jumped into the air, but once again mudkip waited and watched where Scorbunny was going, firing its water gun into the air hitting Scorbunny while it was using bounce. He slammed to the ground hard.

"Dang, she commands an attack and waits for our reaction. We've been rushing into her attacks."

"I have trained Mudkip to observe the battle, Your Scorbunny is determined, but doesn't think it's moves through. As it's trainer you're not also considering how best to use your pokemons moves. Should we call it now? I doubt Scorbunny can get up after taking a super effective water move." Lucy said.

"SCORBUNNY STAND UP! I KNOW YOU'RE NOT DONE YET!" Norman shouted.

He could feel Scorbunnys thoughts again.

"Of course I'm not done yet, I still haven't won."

Scorbunny stood up using all its will power. Any other Scorbunny wouldn't have been able to get back up from a move like that. Lucy was puzzled, she knew a water gun from mudkip should have been it. Unless...

"Great job Scorbunny, now let's show her what happens when we get serious. Use Quick attack to surround mudkip!"

"Mudkip use growl!"

Scorbunny began going around in circles around mukip as it growled at Scorbunny, lowering his attack, when Scorbunny went in for the attack mudkip took it like it was nothing and now had Scorbunny at point blank range.

"Checkmate brother, water gun!"

"Hey that's my line! Scorbunny grab mudkip and use bounce!"

Scorbunny ducked below mudkips jaw, dodging the water gun and grabbing its stubby feet. Scorbunny then used bounce with mudkip in its arms jumping high into the air slamming mudkip into the ceiling. Scorbunny quickly used the ceiling to hop back into the ground.

"Now as it's falling back onto the ground! Use bounce again!"

"Don't let him! Mud shot!"

Scorbunny jumped up, it's face full of determination, and a light blue aura surrounding it. Mudkip struggled due to paralysis but managed to shot off its mud shot from its mouth in time to intercept scorbunny. Norman clenched his teeth and fists as it looked like Scorbunny could not possibly avoid the mud shot in time. However the mud shot hit Scorbunny...but it had no effect on scorbunny. This takes Lucy and mudkip by surprise as Scorbunny slams into mudkip with bounce sending it back into the ceiling. Scorbunny lands on the ground surprise on its face. Mudkip falls onto the ground. Lucy calls out to mudkip, it tries to to stand back up but is unable to.

"Mudkip is unable to battle! The winner is Norman and Scorbunny!"

Norman and Scorbunny begin to cry tears of joy as Scorbunny jumps into Norman's arms. Norman begins to hear its thoughts.

"I did it! I can't believe it! Thank you Norman for believing in me!"

Norman's hugs Scorbunny tight.

"No problem buddy, thanks for believing in me too." Norman said with a smile on his face.

Lucy returned Mudkip to its pokeball, thanking it for its hard work and approached
Norman.

"There's no way that mudshot should have had no effect, unless scorbunny was a flying type." Lucy said in astonishment.

"That's because in that moment it was." Roxanne said. She had been watching the match from the sidelines for a bit. "That Scorbunny has its hidden ability, Libero. It's type will change to whatever move its using." Roxanne explained.

"I see, that's a dirty trick bro! It won't catch me off guard a second time!" Lucy exclaimed.

"I didn't even know he had that ability, don't act like it was some kind of ace in the hole trick!" Norman yelled back.

"I guess I have to obey my own handicap, you win this time brother! It was a great match! But next time don't expect to win!" Lucy said, secretly proud of her brother.

"Norman good job, now all that is left is for your battle with me. You and scorbunny rest tonight. In the morning we battle!" Roxanne said with a smile on her face.

Norman smiled back and then turned towards Scorbunny.

"And we'll win that too! Right partner?" Norman asked Scorbunny.

Scorbunny jumped on his shoulders and raised its fist. Smiling at Norman, Norman also raised his fist and the two laughed together.

Chapter 3 end