TEEN: Snowfall (ORIGINAL)

[UselessBytes]

Hey everyone, this is something I've been thinking about writing for a while, and it requires a bit of prior knowledge to fully appreciate. The main character in this story, Spencer Weeks, struggles with something called Tourette's Syndrome. His struggle with it isn't the central driving force in the story, but it's a significant one, along with two other major things that you'll find out by reading. But, as someone who actually has Tourette's Syndrome himself, I know that a ton of people don't exactly know what Tourette's really is, aside from the usual stereotypes. So, while it's not necessary to enjoy the story, I highly suggest you read this article for just a little bit of explanation on what Tourette's is, and how it affects people. (Don't bother watching the video included tbh, it's a tad dated and a slog to get through.) That's all I wanted to say, and if you want to know more or have any questions about it as you read, feel free to DM me, and I'll answer any questions.

Without further ado, here's the story!

Snowfall, Chapter One



Spencer Weeks was most definitely not supposed to be on the mountain this early. The lifts wouldn’t be open for at least another hour and a half, and the slopes were deserted. There wasn’t a soul in sight. Lucky for him, Spencer knew a worker who was snowmobiling up the mountain that morning and managed to convince the guy to let him sneak in an early run by catching a ride up with him.

Spencer slipped his phone into a pocket on the inside of his jacket as music started to flood his ears through the earbuds uncomfortably jammed between his ears and his helmet. He zipped up his jacket and slipped on his mitten before leaning down and tightening the bindings on the battered snowboard strapped to his boots.

The run in front of him wasn’t a difficult one. Spring Dipper was a rather mild blue, and it let out into a steep sprint through The Edge and River Run, both fairly simple runs. It wouldn’t be a challenge like the blacks and bowl runs that Spencer was used to, but he wasn’t looking for a challenge at the moment. What Spencer wanted was a run where he could cut loose and go fast, and with the mountainside deserted save for him, the course ahead of him was perfect.

Spencer’s shoulder jumped and he tossed his head to the side unwittingly, the ever present twitching and tingling of his limbs a familiar feeling. All the movement and fidgeting would go away once he got up to speed. Spencer didn’t know why, but he figured it had something to do with the adrenaline. What he did know was that it worked, and he didn’t question it.

Snow crunched beneath Spencer’s board as he shifted, aiming himself down the mountain. He shifted his weight forward, and he started to gently glide forward, towards the beginning of the run, which was noticeably steeper than the patch of snow he was perched on. The nose of his board slipped over the edge, bending forward as he began to lean into the run. The rest of his board followed suit, and he soon began picking up speed.

Spencer let out a sigh as his music began to be obscured by the rush of wind past him as he progressively gained more and more speed. The trees whipping by him quickly turned into blurs of brown and green and white as he got faster and faster. He whipped around a bend in the run, narrowly dodging a yellow sign that read “SLOW” in big letters. He chuckled as he imagined the chewing out ski patrol would’ve given him for going so fast in what was, arguably, still a beginner skill area. He was lucky they didn’t supervise the runs before the lifts started.

Spencer breezed past a sign at a branch in the run, not stopping to check his route. He knew the mountain well enough that he didn’t need to. Every steep drop and sharp bend was as familiar as the back of his hand.

Snow flared up as Spencer dug the edge of his board into the powder, slowing himself just barely enough to make yet another tight turn. His mental map told him he was a little over halfway through the run. He’d be at the bottom of the mountain soon enough.

The narrow run through the trees Spencer had been snaking through suddenly burst out into a wide expanse of snow coating a barren canyon through the trees. Spencer grinned and leaned forward, doing his best to squeeze as much speed as he could out of his mad dash down the mountain. The bottom was just barely in sight, several hundred yards down the slope. Spencer would cover the distance in seconds. He could see the people getting ready for a day of skiing, waiting for the lifts to open at the edge of the run. He had two options at this point: Hit the brakes almost immediately and slow to a gentle glide as he hit the bottom, or he could take a gamble and try to weave his way through the crowd at top speed. Spencer, of course, chose the second.

Plenty of people shouted and cursed at Spencer as he slipped through openings between them, skidding over packed snow and ice at speeds that were most definitely unsafe for both him and those around him.

Spencer could see where the snow ended and the packed asphalt of River Run village began not too far ahead, and decided that he’d rather not meet with it face first. He attempted to dig his board into the snow to try and stop, but quickly realized that the constant foot traffic from people making their way to the lifts had made the once soft powder into a hard and unyielding ice, one that refused to let his board bite into it. Spencer braced himself for impact, and grimaced as he heard his board rocket off of the snow and scrape against the asphalt. He quickly lost his balance as his board caught fast against what was most certainly not as slick as snow and ice, and fell hard, landing brutally on his shoulder.

Passerbys looked at Spencer with slight concern as he rolled onto his back and groaned. He breathed heavily as the last of the leftover adrenaline drained out of him, clinging to the last remnants of the high he had been on the whole trip down the mountain.

Then, unceremoniously, Spencer’s shoulder jumped. And his head tossed. And his hand twitched, too. It was no surprise to him. The speed was gone, so the twitches were back. Spencer stayed where he was, lying on the asphalt, and let out a sigh. It had been nice while it lasted.

* * *​

Snowboarding is my life.

Yeah, it sounds edgy and like something a teenager who hates his parents would say, I know. I had one of those phases, like everyone else. But I’m way past it now, and I still think that snowboarding is my life. Spencer Weeks, snowboarding and not much else. That’s pretty much me.

It feels so weird to write that. It really drives home how stupid it sounds when I see it in writing. I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud, and I think I’ll keep it that way. It would just make sound even stupider, even if it is true. It was Heather’s idea for me to write all this stuff down, and so far, I don’t think it’s working how she hoped it would. She said it would be “therapeutic”, but so far I’m just writing about how dumb everything I write down is. Who knows, maybe it could be and it’s just the ADHD kicking in and keeping me from staying on topic.

Anyways, I was writing about snowboarding. I’ve been doing it for almost eight years now, since I was twelve. I’ve gotten pretty good in that span of time, and it’s pretty much all I do nowadays after the snow starts falling every year. I spend a good portion of every summer daydreaming about the late fall. Luckily, the snow starts falling pretty early in Colorado, and sticks around pretty late. I actually just got back from a pretty good session before Heather sat me down and made me start writing this. I think she’s gonna use this whole writing thing to try and trick me into therapy. She means well, but I don’t need therapy. At least, not the type she has in mind. She preaches to me all the time about how mental and physical therapy both could help me “deal with Tourette’s”. What is that supposed to even mean? I’ve been “dealing” with my Tourette’s and ADHD and everything else for years. I’ve got no clue why she’s been so crazy about it these last few months. It’s not like my I’ve gotten any twitchier recently,

I don’t even really know what I’m supposed to be writing about. Heather just told be to write about whatever’s bothering me, but… nothing’s really bothering me? I mean, there’s my Tourette’s, but I’m used to that. And there’s my online classes, but they're really more of a chore than anything. Maybe I just don’t have any problems to write about.

I guess that’s all for now.

-Spencer​

 

[Beth Pavell]

Well, I can't offer any insights into how good a portrayal of Tourettes this is. I think you'd be best off focusing on making the story do the work - I understand the point of linking something educational in your author's notes, but it looks kinda like homework and it's a big ask for someone reading your story to look at that much context.

Anyway, as usual there's nothing wrong with your technical accuracy. Some of your sentences were a bit of a mouthful, like this one:

Spencer slipped his phone into a pocket on the inside of his jacket as music started to flood his ears through the earbuds uncomfortably jammed between his ears and his helmet

And could do with some strategically placed commas, at least. I'd also look again at making it clear Spencer is snowboarding, because it's not obvious what he is doing for most of the narrative.

Yeah, it sounds edgy and like something a teenager who hates his parents would say, I know.

Sharply observed

 

[Juliko]

This was really good! I liked it! Your prose is very concise, and says a lot about Spencer in very little words. The atmosphere you created is very calm and serene, fitting the scene where Spencer is just snowboarding and not much else. But I do agree with Beth Pavell in that you do have some run-on sentences that can easily be split into two, or having a few commas added. Do you have any plans on continuing this? Because I'd love to read more! Of course, if not, that's fine, too.

 

[UselessBytes]

Thanks for the comments, both of you! I definitely plan on continuing this, although I don't know how often I'll be posting, as I don't have near as much time to write as I used to anymore.

 

[UselessBytes]

The door swung shut behind Spencer as he brushed the little snow that remained plastered to his board onto the concrete floor of the small garage. There wasn’t much room to maneuver with Heather’s car crammed in alongside the copious amount of snow gear, but it was enough for Spencer to slip off his jacket and boots.

Spencer had his hand on the doorknob and was about to head inside when he froze. Heather’s car was in his garage. Which meant that Heather was in his house. He cursed. He’d forgotten about something again, hadn’t he? He shook his head and opened the door. She was probably just stopping in to visit.

“I’ve been waiting here for two hours.”

Spencer cringed. Heather was sitting on the stairs that led from the garage into his living room, and she clearly wasn’t happy.

“We were supposed to get dinner an hour and a half ago. You promised you wouldn’t forget this time,” Heather said, still staring at the wall. She hadn’t made eye contact with Spencer yet. She always avoided eye contact when she was disappointed, and Spencer hated it. He loved most everything about her, from her gorgeous red hair to the way she talked about her medical classes non-stop even though Spencer could never follow what she was saying, but it was like a knife to the back when she looked away from him like that and he knew it was his fault. He tossed his head a few times in rapid succession, his emotions taking control of his twitches.

“I guess I just lost track of time on the mountain…” Spencer started, trying to fix his mistake.

“The slopes close at four, Spencer. Were you really so focused on illegal snowboarding that you missed our date?” Heather asked.

Spencer started to say that he wasn’t doing anything illegal, but bit his tongue when he remembered that night skiing had been closed for almost a week. “I just forgot,” Spencer admitted. Heather was silent for a moment, and Spencer cringed as his shoulder jumped rapidly and repeatedly, silently wishing for the twitches to go away.

Heather finally looked up and looked Spencer in the eyes. “Thanks for telling the truth, at least.” She stood up and slipped her olive colored parka off her shoulders, tossing it to Spencer. “Hang that up. I don’t feel like going out anymore, and we missed our reservation anyways. You can make us something if you’d like.”

Spencer let out a sigh of relief, and his twitches started to drop back down to their usual levels. The situation had gone more smoothly than he’d expected. He quickly followed Heather up the stairs and into the cramped living room and kitchen combination that made up the majority of his house.

It was a bit of a stretch to call it a house. Spencer lived in a small condo about ten minutes from the base of Dercum Mountain. His parents owned the place, and were gracious enough to let him follow Heather two and a half hours from Colorado Springs to Keystone while she worked with the local medical center, provided that he kept taking classes online.

It had been a win-win for Spencer and his parents. Spencer got to live his dream life, staying with Heather and living right next to his favorite place to snowboard, and his parents avoided having him travel out of state for college, which was an idea they dreaded. Instead, he was taking online courses and driving back down to Pikes Peak Community College once a semester to set everything up. He’d been doing it for two years, and so far it had worked out just fine.

Heather fell onto one of the armchairs that took up too much space in the small living room and sighed. “Are you going to make anything?” She asked.

Spencer answered by pulling open the fridge. “I don’t have much, to be honest. I need to go shopping.”

“You always need to go shopping, Spencer,” Heather replied, shaking her head. “Just do something simple.”

“Alright. I’ve got enough for chicken quesadillas, so that’s what we’ll have. Nothing too fancy. That good with you?”

Heather sighed again. “Yeah, that’ll be great.”

Spencer frowned, fumbling with a knife as his shoulder jumped. His cooking was something he was proud of, but all the constant twitching made it quite the endeavor. “You don’t sound too great. Rough day? I mean, aside from… you know,” He said, cringing as he remembered once again that he’d missed their date.

“Not necessarily rough. Just… long,” Heather replied. “And don’t beat yourself up over missing our date. It was probably for the best we didn’t go out. I’m dead tired.”

Spencer’s arm spasmed again as he continued to prepare their meal. “Beat myself up over it? Who said?” Spencer said, brushing off the comment.

Heather looked up and smiled at him, the way she normally did when he said something funny. “I dunno. Just… intuition,” she said, tossing her head to the side dramatically.

“Subtle,” Spencer said, laughing. “Guess it’s kind of a giveaway.”

* * *​

Bright rays of the early morning sun slipped through the window as Spencer creased the slip of paper in his hands and slipped it under one of the magnets stuck to the front of his fridge. With any luck, Heather would notice it when she arrived.

Spencer slipped on his jacket and grabbed his helmet off the counter and hurried out the door, ready to catch the hourly shuttle. He looked up at the sky, and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. That was good. Spencer could most likely ditch his heavier jacket once he got to the lift in favor of a lighter hoodie.

The shuttle pulled up to the stop, and the doors swung open with a pressurized hiss. Spencer quickly boarded and found the first possible seat, leaning his snowboard beside him. His head jerked to the side as he sat, but the few passengers on the bus paid him no mind. They were all just as eccentric as he was, looking to be on the slopes the moment they opened.

Spencer pulled out his phone and checked the time. There was almost thirty minutes until the lifts started running, and the shuttle ride would take ten of those. He sighed, and opened up the notes application on his phone. It was as good a time as ever to write.

* * *​

Do you ever get that feeling, where you write something down, and then feel like you’ve gotten it off your chest, even though you didn’t tell anyone? I don’t understand it, but I’ve been getting it a lot recently. I wrote out a quick text to my mom that I didn’t even send the other day, apologizing that couldn’t home for Thanksgiving, and I already feel better about it. Maybe that’s why Heather wants me writing these journal entries. I should ask her about it. Maybe she’s learning about mental stuff like that working at the medical center, alongside all the other confusing stuff she’s told me about.

All I know is that it’s all way over my head. I’m doing my best to work towards my accounting degree, but anything past that is all greek to me. She seems to love it, though. Good for her. It makes me a little bit happy to see her light up when someone asks her about it all. It’s kind of adorable.

But yeah, back to writing stuff down. I wrote a letter for Heather today before I left to catch the shuttle to River Run Village. I’m actually writing this journal entry on my phone on that shuttle, but that’s beside the point. The thing is, I apologized for missing our date again, and it was a huge weight off of me, even though I already did it in person last night, and even though I know she won’t read the letter until she comes over for movie night tonight. We’re doing movie night, by the way. Trying to make up for missing that date early.

Maybe Heather is right, and writing is therapeutic. I’m starting to see why she thinks so. I’ll keep at it for a while longer, if only because she asked me to.

I guess that’s all for now.

-Spencer​

 

[Juliko]

Chapter 2 read and ready for reviewing! At first, I thought the segment at the end of the first chapter was an author's note. I'm glad you cleared it up in the second chapter that Spencer's writing in his notebook. But I would suggest updating the first chapter and making it more clear that Spencer's writing in his journal, because anyone who might not catch on might think the scene at the end is an author's note. Just a suggestion. Heather seems like a nice woman, and you do a great job at establishing their relationship and giving them chemistry right off the bat. I also like that Heather doesn't make too big a deal about Spencer missing their date. While I can understand how some people would get mad about that, I think sometimes, most media tend to make too big a deal out of it to the point where they make the characters act really insane about it to the point of going into pointless melodrama. I'm glad you didn't go that route, and the way you portrayed it here shows just how well Spencer and Heather get along, even when things don't always go well. That's about all I can offer as of right now. I wish I could be a bit more objective though, so sorry if my comments aren't necessarily up to par. I can't wait to read what's next!

 

[UselessBytes]

I ain't dead yet! But in all seriousness, I would've had this out sooner had it not been for school. I'm drowning in work, y'all. Also, I'm gonna bump the rating up to teen for the whole story, because this chapter introduces a character who has quite the mouth. She'll be coming back frequently enough where I feel the change is warranted.


“Spencer! There you are, you twitchy bastard!”

Spencer looked up from scrolling through his mountain playlist while he waited for the lift to open just in time to see a woman in a light blue jacket slug a man in a bright red jacket in the shoulder.

“You can’t say things like that, you dumbass!” the woman in light blue barked. Her small frame and gentle smile tried their best to hide her fierce attitude, but failed to do so once she opened her mouth to berate her companion.

The man in red shrank away from the blow, attempting to shield himself from the woman’s assault. “Agh! Ellen! Spencer, help me out here!”

“No!” Ellen declared. “Quinn needs to learn to watch his damn mouth.”

Spencer chuckled at the scene unfolding before him. He’d met the two nineteen year olds the previous winter on the lift, and they hadn’t changed since. They fought near constantly, yet stuck to each other like glue.

“Anyways,” Quinn continued, shrugging off another blow from Ellen, “are we still good for the terrain park runs after dark tonight?”

Spencer shook his head. “Sorry, me and Heather have plans now. I gotta make up for a missed date."

“Ouch. Got distracted on the mountain again?” Ellen asked. Spencer grinned awkwardly. Ellen sighed. “You know, Spence, you’re really an ass, sometimes.”

“Hey, I just forgot! It’s not like I ditched her!” Spencer shot back.

“And how many moments of forgetfulness does that make?” Quinn asked, grinning devilishly. Spencer remained quiet, but twitched nervously.

“Alright, that’s enough of that,” Ellen declared. “Mozart’s open today, is anyone opposed to that for a warm up before we hit the back mountain?”

Spencer shook his head. “Fine by me. I haven’t hit Mozart in a while.”

“Nor have I. Let’s head out, then!” Quinn exclaimed, turning and running towards the lift.

Ellen rolled her eyes before hoisting both her snowboard and Quinn’s skis onto her shoulders. “Don’t leave all your gear with me, asshole!” she called after him. Spencer chuckled, and began to follow the pair towards the now open lift. Heather had only met Ellen and Quinn a handful of times, but her exact words rang through Spencer’s head every time he ran into him.

They’re, uh… kind of dysfunctional.

* * *​

“Jeez! Spencer, would you please tell Ellen that you don’t mind the jokes?” Quinn begged, amidst warding off a flurry of blows from the angry woman following a snide comment about how Spencer’s twitching might just knock him off the lift.

Spencer shook his head. “I’ve tried a million times, Quinn. It isn’t gonna help, she’ll still beat the crap out of you for them.”

“Damn straight I will! I’ll do it until you finally stop!” Ellen exclaimed, slugging Quinn once again. “Besides, Spencer would say that even if he wasn’t okay with ‘em. He’s too much of a wimp.”

“Excuse me?”

Ellen smirked. “Well, you are. Why else haven’t you proposed to Heather yet?”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Spencer interrupted. “That’s a loooong way off. That’s a lot of commitment that I’m not ready for.”

“I just think you’re too afraid she’ll say no,” Ellen countered.

Spencer frowned. “Well… yeah. Also that. But my first point is equally as true!”

Quinn let out a laugh as Spencer’s head tossed nervously. “Your body betrays you, man.”

“Whatever. We’re about to get off, so focus up,” Spencer said, drawing the conversation away from the uncomfortable topic. The lift hit the peak of the mountain just as Spencer raised the safety bar, and the trio slid off and onto the snow with practiced ease. They glided over to a large sign labeled “MOZART” in blocky blue text, and stopped just short of the steep drop off behind it.

“Hey Spencer!” Quinn shouted over the chatter of the early morning skiers around them. “Today’s the day I beat you to the bottom of a run!”

Spencer grinned, his shoulder jumping as he looked back at Ellen. “Think he can do it?” He asked. Ellen shook her head. Spencer laughed. “Me neither. I’ll see you at the bottom, Quinn!” With one last twitch of his head, Spencer pushed off and rocketed down the slope.

“You’d better get going, Mr. Confident!” Ellen shouted with a laugh, following after Spencer. Quinn let out a whoop and shot out onto the run as well, doing his best to catch up to his two companions.

Spencer led the way, weaving in and out of the slower, less experienced skiers that dotted Mozart. The wind ripped at his loose jacket, drowning out the music coming through his headphones with the sound of rippling fabric and his board scraping against the fresh morning snow. He took a quick glance over his shoulder to see Ellen and Quinn close behind him.

Not wanting to let Quinn get the better of him, Spencer broke his weaving pattern and headed straight down the mountain, taking a moment to relish the stillness he felt while, ironically, going near forty miles an hour straight down. There wasn’t a feeling in the world like it.

Spencer snapped back to reality just in time to swerve and avoid a tree, just barely hearing Ellen and Quinn laughing at him in the distance. He didn’t mind, though. Nothing bothered him in the middle of a run.

Spencer skidded to a stop as he hit the bottom of the run, not three minutes after he’d left the top. Ellen and Quinn pulled up next to him, both laughing.

“Hot damn, Spence! You were boarding like a madman out there!” Ellen exclaimed.

“Then again, doesn’t he always?” Quinn shot back.

“Well, yeah. But he was even crazier today!”

Spencer smiled as his friends continued to laugh about his dangerous tendencies, but his smile faded as he felt his hand spasm, followed shortly by his shoulder jerking and contorting his arm as usual. The run had been nice, but, as usual, the peace it offered was only temporary.

* * *​

So, movie night went great. Heather, being the nerd she is, wanted to watch War Games. So that’s what we did. She managed to burn popcorn, as she does every time she tries to cook.

Thing is, I couldn’t get my mind off of the stuff Ellen said. Not the proposing part, although that did stick in my head for a bit. (Hope Heather doesn’t read this now, she’d have a heart attack.) I’m talking about the blowing off Quinn’s jokes part. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m okay with them most of the time. But today, after we hit Mozart, I got to the bottom of the run and I was all happy, but then I started twitching again, and I was like “crap, here we go again”. Like, I go through that after basically every run I do, but it really kind of hit me this time. Maybe Ellen’s right, and I’m just a wimp who’s too afraid to admit when something is making me uncomfortable. Maybe Heather’s right and I’m “coping” with Tourette’s and “not really living with it”. I’m still not sure what that one means, but Heather says it from time to time, usually followed with some form of “I’m worried about you”.

They both mean well, I know that much. But sometimes, their help raises more questions than it answers. I don’t want to tell them to stop, though. I do appreciate what they’re both trying to do. Who knows, maybe I’m just as dysfunctional as Heather says Ellen and Quinn are.

Anyways, other than that, movie night was a total success. Heather doesn’t seem to be mad at me at all, so that’s great. Although, she might’ve just been too exhausted to express any sort of strong emotion. She dozed off halfway through the movie. I’ll just let her spend the night on the couch. After all, tomorrow’s Saturday, so she doesn’t have work. We can do whatever she wants, just to seal the deal.

I guess that’s all for now.

-Spencer​

 

[Juliko]

Hmmm...I don't think this is one of your strongest chapters. What exactly is Quinn's deal? Is he genuinely joking around with Spencer, or is he deliberately making jabs at his Tourette's Syndrome? Or is he doing so without knowing they can be construed as insults? I mean, I'm glad you have Ellen call him out on it every time, but some of the things Quinn says about Spencer, even as jokes, do inherently come off as ableist, or insulting towards the disabled. If you're doing this intentionally, for a narrative purpose, that's fine, since you admit to having Tourette's yourself, so I'll trust your judgment, since you know your story best. But I would highly suggest being careful about writing a character like Quinn. I was in a similar situation in terms of writing characters like that, and I got a lot of backlash for it. Just a suggestion, so don't feel like you're obligated to re-write your story from scratch just because I pointed something out. Also, you're missing a quotation at the end of the sentence, "I gotta make up for a missed date." I did, however, genuinely like Spencer's segment at the end, especially the part where he feels like he's too afraid to admit when something makes him uncomfortable, especially Quinn's jokes. Being autistic myself, I've also had to deal with some people making crude jokes at my expense, even from my own family, but instead of being outright offended, I just try to explain things to them in a mature, civilized manner...though that doesn't always work sometimes. Anyway, don't beat yourself up for having to deal with school and work. Life is important, after all. Just keep doing what you're doing, and we'll await further updates.

 

[UselessBytes]

Hey! Thanks for the review. As for Quinn, I know he's a little iffy, but he'll come into play more later on. At heart, the dude means well, and in all fairness, Spencer has told him it's okay several times, as stated in the chapter. It's just another aspect of it all that I wanted to bring up, and will focus more on in the future. Personally, I make jokes about having Tourette's all the time, but something I always see is that people who don't normally hang out around me are always a little, say, shocked when it comes to my sense of humor. Spencer's deal right now is that he's not exactly sure what side of that spectrum he's on, and Quinn and Ellen are definitely gonna influence him in the future.

 

[Juliko]

Sure! I completely understand. Thanks for clarifying it for me. I appreciate it.

 

[kintsugi]

There's something really cathartic about reading this -- it's a little hard to put into words (shitty review, I know), but I felt really relaxed on my readthrough of this. Only two chapters in btw, so apologies if I miss anything major that gets introduced later.

I think part of it is in the details? There's a lot of explanation on how Spencer picks out different snowboarding runs in chapter one, or the tiny bit of backstory about Spencer's not-house/condo in chapter two, that give a lot of vibrancy and character to this narrative. And in something like this, where the initial plot isn't readily apparent, seizing the reader's attention through other means is really important, so great job here!

I'm of two minds about the snips of Spencer's writing at the end of each chapter. In the first chapter, I think you sell it pretty well -- it feels like a natural continuation to the chapter's narration (Spencer does some reckless snowboarding/crashes into people/it makes him feel like the Tourette's is gone for a bit; the narration is about him unpacking a little further what all of this means). In the second chapter, I think it feels a bit more out of place -- the narrative here is a lot more disjointed; it's a lot more random background details about Spencer's life and they don't really flow together with each other or fit in with the events of the chapter.

AND LIKE. It's a realistic diary and not everything in life is meant to have some greater Meaningful Metaphor laced behind the scenes. I get that, and this isn't to say that every single component of your story needs to be constructed like clockwork. It's just that (in this admittedly small sample size of a) snapshot, the journal entries feel a bit out of left field, and they kind of break up the flow of the story that you've been building so far.

Do you ever get that feeling, where you write something down, and then feel like you’ve gotten it off your chest, even though you didn’t tell anyone?

oh man, pacing comments aside, I will never not appreciate these congratulatory shout-outs to writing in writing, I think.

Anyway! Small complaints; lotsa general praise. I found this story quite lovely!

 

[UselessBytes]

There's something really cathartic about reading this -- it's a little hard to put into words (shitty review, I know), but I felt really relaxed on my readthrough of this. Only two chapters in btw, so apologies if I miss anything major that gets introduced later.

That's, well, an interesting idea, but I get what you're saying! I get the same kind of feeling writing it.

I think part of it is in the details? There's a lot of explanation on how Spencer picks out different snowboarding runs in chapter one, or the tiny bit of backstory about Spencer's not-house/condo in chapter two, that give a lot of vibrancy and character to this narrative. And in something like this, where the initial plot isn't readily apparent, seizing the reader's attention through other means is really important, so great job here!

I think the reason for a lot of this might be that these are actual places I've been and things I've done, so I might be cheating a tad here . Every run, shop, street, or town mentioned in this story are real, and all mentioned in the future will be. I've been to them all, too. I grew up spending my winters in Keystone, so I know the place well enough where I'm comfortable I can portray it and all the intricacies of the mountain accurately.

Great review! I always appreciate them!

 

[kintsugi]

chapter three
hi there I'm back!

nineteen year olds

dumb hyphen stuff, but this should read as

ninteen-year-olds

woman in a light blue jacket slug a man in a bright red jacket in the shoulder

This description felt a little off to me -- it's a bit too basic and formulaic I think (noun/shade/color/jacket -> woman/light/blue/jacket | man/bright/red/jacket) that it feels out of place compared to the vibrant stuff that you've normally been building.

her exact words rang through Spencer’s head every time he ran into him.

This line threw me for a loop, and re-re-reading I'm still not sure what's running through Spencer's head and why running into Quinn would make Ellen's words echo back to him. I think the pronouns got flipped a little here.

And, kind of a tricky topic, but Ellen and Quinn's relationship is... a little too physically abusive for my taste? There's explicit mentions of Ellen hitting Quinn at least four times, and references to rains/flurries of blows. Quinn and Spencer treat this like a normal occurrence, which is sad. Relationship abuse is a heavy topic, and it's more than just casual dysfunction -- adults are capable of arguing/disagreeing/dysfunctioning without beating each other. The genders don't really matter -- if a person is hitting a person, that's not a good relationship. If they're confident enough to do it in public and all their friends sort of just accept it as normal, that's a really really bad relationship. And maybe this is a focus of your story later, and the point is that none of the involved parties realize how badly this looks to uninvolved parties, which is cool, but this is potentially on the edge of a really dark topic and I'm not entirely sure if you're fully aware of that.

The journal this chapter was really good! I think it tied in with the chapter the same way chapter one did, so it's not as obtrusive to me as the one after chapter two was. I also really liked this line:

Maybe Heather’s right and I’m “coping” with Tourette’s and “not really living with it”.

I've liked how you've approached this part of the fic so far, and I'm really looking forward to seeing how you'll unpack the rest of the nuances as things progress.

Still loving the little details here -- Spencer's "mountain playlist" and Heather burning popcorn were my personal favorites, and they made the chapter feel really loved. Can't wait to read more!

 

[lucarioknight56]

Happy New Year, and as your Secret Santa (sorry for being late!), I’m here to give you your review! I’ll be covering all three chapters in my usual format to make it easier both for me and you.

Chapter 1

Grammar/Style:

There’s not really any grammatical issues as far as I can see, but I’m a bit confused by how you write the two parts. The first is from a third-person perspective, while the second is in first, with it being revealed that Spencer himself wrote the first half as a sort of biography. Maybe I’m misunderstanding it and it’s really some unnamed narrator describing the events of a fictional character and taking events from his own life.

Plot/Story:

Not much so far. We see Spencer dealing with his Tourette’s and using snowboarding as a way to escape the effects, and he ends up getting into an *ahem* scrape. Afterward, we see who I assume to be the author describing why he’s doing this in a rather irritable manner. Not much of a plot so far, but we’ll see how it develops.

Characters:

There’s only two notable characters so far: Spencer and the narrator. Spencer just seems like a typical kid save for his Tourette’s syndrome, which leads to him seeking ways to mitigate the symptoms when possible. The narrator is a reluctant one, only seeming to write this story because his girlfriend, Heather, wants him to.

Again, not much so far, but it is just the beginning, so establishing the initial personalities of the characters is always a good start.

Setting:

When it comes to setting, I primarily focus on how well authors can describe it so readers like myself can get a picture of it, and not so much the general area and what the author put into it to make it realistic. With that said, there isn’t much description of the mountain itself, but what’s there is enough to get a general idea. And given that this is being written from the perspective of who I assume to be an unreliable narrator, it makes more sense thematically, as he isn’t as likely to remember the appearance of the mountain so much as the paths that lead to a safe and quick way down.

Overall:

A nice work focusing on an activity I don’t often see elaborated on. It’s only starting, so the lack of plot and character development is forgivable, but I hope it will develop from here.

I noticed that you said that you didn’t want the Tourette’s syndrome to be the focus of the story, and I can understand that completely; mental illnesses should not be the foundation of a character, rather a sort of addition that can make them more interesting and reflect on the real issues that can occur. So far, you’ve pulled it off well.


Chapter 2

Grammar/Style:

Again, not really many issues that I can spot, but I don’t think I’m the best person for that. I personally think the transitions are a bit too large with the space you put around them, but that’s just me. Also, I can now see that Spencer is the character writing everything down, and it turns out to be the present, not the future. Leads me to think of where Spencer began writing in the last chapter, but I can assume it was during the unseen bus ride back to the house. It may be smart to bring that up, though, so that other readers don’t get confused like I was before.

Sidenote: I can say from experience that it isn’t pleasant to be writing a whole lot with a phone keyboard, so I bought a portable Bluetooth keyboard to keep with me in situations like Spencer’s in. I know he probably wouldn’t want to spend his money on such a thing, but even a physical notepad would be better…discounting the fact he seems to write mostly on a shaky bus.

Plot/Story:

This is so far more of a slice of life story to me, as there doesn’t seem to be a cohesive plot connected to development of characters. I mean, there is some, but I don’t see any meaningful conflict unless you can’t Spencer’s lateness to meet with his girlfriend—which would be true if he was late once more. Can’t tell at this point, but I don’t think this is the sort of story to have a deep plot anyway.

Characters:

Now we’re seeing more personality with both Spencer and Heather, who has now been formally introduced. But, again, there’s not much. We didn’t really get to see their relationship past Heather berating Spencer being late and him making p for it. It’s nice to see, but it would have been better to more fully establish them by seeing the night through, such as eating dinner, or what they did instead of going out. Right now I see them as basic caricatures, with Spencer having the edge of developing some from last chapter.

Setting:

Again, not much to see here. You like to integrate setting description into character action, which is nice for when it is already established, but when just starting out, I find it better to spend some time to first describe the environment and lighting so the readers are set into the right mood. In this case, maybe you can emphasize how snowy it might be, and how late it is with the darkness—although, given that it’s winter, it could be seven o’ clock and still be pitch black. Regardless, I think setting can be improved here.

Overall:

A decent follow-up to the last chapter, but I don’t get the sense of learning more about the characters. The plot has advanced somewhat, and could be interesting, but I can’t see where it goes from here.

Chapter 3

Grammar/Style:

Alright, nitpick time:

Spencer shook his head. “Sorry, me and Heather have plans now. I gotta make up for a missed date."

Technically that should be ‘Heather and I’, but since most everybody says it like this, it's understandable, and can frankly be ignored if you want. Just thought I should mention it. The only other error I could find was this:

Heather had only met Ellen and Quinn a handful of times, but her exact words rang through Spencer’s head every time he ran into him.

This is…confusing. Who’s running into who? I assume that it’s Spencer running into Ellen and Quinn, but ‘him’ is not the right word for the both of them.

Outside of that, I just find these chapters too short. We again don’t see the interactions between Heather and Spencer during their date, and that would nicely improve the size of it.

Plot/Story:

Now I can see the story putting more of a focus on Spencer’s management of his condition and how he’ll address it…after, well, being insulted, even if it was meant to be taken jokingly. He’s having to come to terms with the fact that snowboarding to put off his tic might not be the best thing, and it could be interesting. But as a sideplot with Heather, there’s again a passive description of what happened that night, and while a movie isn’t the most interesting thing to describe, I was expecting at least some basic description of what they were doing throughout, with them maybe having casual conversation of what they did throughout the day. I know this story is focused primarily on Spencer and his snowboarding, but having what I see as another major aspect of his life ignored doesn’t justify it.

Characters:

Now we get the introduction of Ellen and Quinn, and they just seem to be instigators of the inner conflict. They’re playful jerks, which I’ve seen plenty but thankfully never had to deal with often. Like Juliko said, you have to be careful on how you write them, as they can come off as very insulting to certain readers. I don’t find that much of an issue here as they are trying to be benign, but as we see with Spencer, their words are hurtful.

And, again, aside from Spencer, there isn’t much depth to the other characters. I was hoping that Heather would at least feature in this chapter, but she was just passively described. You mentioned that you had working swamping your writing, which might explain why it seemed to be hastily tied up in the journal portion, but you should maybe come back to revise it so we have more detail about what happened while watching the movie, and even have Heather address Ellen and Quinn. Anything more than we already have.

Setting:

I don’t see the need to readdress this, but again, lack of description. Just refer to my review of the second chapter here.

Overall:

While this chapter follows up with the other well, it could have done with at least one more scene to better develop the characters and improve the length of the chapters. You have good work here with plenty of potential, and I’d love to see where you take it from here. At the moment though, it just needs additional content. I’ll keep an eye out for this in the future if you ever return to it though.