COMPLETE: So Close (Ace Attorney, one-shot) (TEEN)

[diamondpearl876]

This is a side project I've worked on very late at night over the last few weeks. I'd been wanting to write Ace Attorney for a while, so I figured why not? Also, there's Klavier/Apollo shipping. I don't think I've written anything shipping-focused in a long time, either.

This is basically a fanfic of a fanfic of a movie. “Dirty Sympathy” by ideny is a “Strangers on a Train” version of AA4, so this too is an AU. Plot related comments are references to said fic.

Rating: TEEN for sort-of-in-depth-but-not-quite references to physical abuse, plus some swearing.

S • O
C • L • O • S • E
​

The car stops, and in that moment you feel like you might very well die. You’re on the run, goddamn it, you don’t have time for this, to be on the run you have to be moving. But you’re not moving, so you’re going to get caught and all that’ll be left for you is one last, awful surge of breath, then nothing…

It takes a few more agonizingly slow moments for the car to press on and for you to relax against the passenger seat once more. You slouch and rest your knees up on the dashboard, the best sleeping position you can manage in an unfavorably cramped place like this. You wonder for a moment if it’s worth mentioning anything to your driver because not only is he your driver, he’s your lover and your savior and all sorts of other wondrous things, too.

Yes, you decide, he’d probably appreciate hearing about you being upset instead of learning you bottled it up later. Again.

So you mumble something quick to Apollo Justice about how you can’t wait to pass the border out of California, but he just clenches his fist around the steering wheel so tight you can see with the help of the high-mast lighting above how the veins in his knuckles bulge. A growl forms at the back of his throat, and you promptly turn your head away to end the conversation before it begins.

You should’ve pretended you’d just been jolted awake by the car coming to a sudden stop instead of another nightmare. The former, of course, wouldn’t have been any consolation to the man giving his all to get you somewhere safe, but still. He’s trying, and that’s more than anyone else could ever say. What would your fans think of you, Klavier Gavin, if they knew you could be scared out of your wits so easily? They wouldn’t question why. They’d immediately resolve to quit buying your band’s merchandise and tickets to concerts. Not everyone is as understanding as the man beside you.

You sigh. At this angle, the most you can see are the silhouettes of birds against the darkened sky as they perch motionlessly on the tops of telephone poles. The occasional cloud blots out the light cresting the edges of the sun as it begins to reveal itself and announce a new day.

And on one hand, for you that’s a kind of reassurance, because you’re alive when one night not long ago you suspected that that wouldn’t be the case anymore. That night at the concert—your last performance with the Gavinners, the last straw for Daryan Crescend—you had little choice but to accept that somewhere along the line you screwed up bad and in order to fix things you’d have to screw up even worse. It would’ve been one hell of a show to see Klavier Gavin, renowned singer and guitarist, die at the hands of one of his own stage props. Whoever’s idea it was to literally put you in chains just to emphasize the whole cop theme the band had going on, well, fuck ‘em. Fuck ’em all.

Your ex-lover, since shot dead at the hands of your new lover, still managed to accomplish what he always wanted to do. He wanted to leave his mark. The proof’s hidden, but it’s there. Daryan really never was that bright, and in hindsight, that may be the only reason you’re alive today.

It’s nauseating, how you once adored the shocked look on his face when something obvious to others finally clicked in his head. And if you’re being honest, you still give Daryan credit sometimes, when your mind betrays you and you remember how he’d lie in bed next to you for hours, just letting you play with his hair after he’d showered and it wasn’t bogged down with gel. The passion in his voice as he rambled on about wild cop stories captivated you. It never occurred to you then that your life with him would eventually resemble a neurotic script written for those lame but popular crime shows.

You slide lower into the leather passenger seat of your Cadillac, hoping that if you try hard enough, you’ll fold in on yourself like some complicated origami puzzle no one will ever care enough to unfold. You’d be totally okay with disappearing, never to be found again.

Unsurprisingly, no such thing happens.

The whishing of the road passing you by drones on. The car shakes whenever you pass over a pothole, each time jolting you into feeling alert all over again. You wish you were able to keep yourself from dozing off, but the nightmares, they’ve just been too much lately. You’d insist on driving if you thought you could handle it. After all the sacrifices Apollo Justice has made for you, it’d only be fair to drive his ass out of town and toward somewhere safe. Instead, all you can do is sit there in the near silence, suspended in a jaded stupor.

Occasionally you catch yourself fingering your ear, the one still not healed from when Daryan ripped your silver stud clean off and let you know you’d be growing your hair out again, no questions asked. An image you’d been dead set on evicting from your memory threatens to surge to the surface, and your breath hitches when a sudden, dull pain courses through your foot. You try not to tip off Apollo, try not to add to his worries, because it’s okay, really. You have a mutilated toe thanks to your ex-lover. That shit happens sometimes. You would’ve gone to a doctor for it ages ago, but you didn’t know how to explain the incident away without attracting suspicion, so here you are, dealing with the repercussions of neglect brought on by fear.

You turn your head to the side, chancing a glance at Apollo as the two of you continue on toward god knows where. Seeing him makes you smile, of course it does, because he’s the only one in the world who has any clue how to. Which is funny, kind of. Half the time he doesn’t even have to try. How does that work?

Still. You do have to admit right now, how downright eerie Apollo’s determined stare would look to anyone else out of context. His eyes don’t even seem to blink. To you it just means he won’t abandon you, won’t hurt you on purpose like everyone else in your life, but you pity anyone who would dare get in his way. You pity yourself most of all, knowing full well that you don’t deserve him and he doesn’t deserve the hell you’re unwittingly putting him through. It’s ironic and pathetic, how the sacrifices he made for you brought on a whole slew of issues for himself that no lawyer would be able to argue against in the court of law.

Now, every day from here on out will be different. With no home to return to (safely, that is) and no real belongings to your name aside from the used first-aid kits you’ve collected and stashed away at the back of your Cadillac’s glove compartment, it’s all free reign from here. It’s not what you expected—Daryan hardly believed in freedom, despite his profession—but it’ll have to do.

Maybe you jumped the gun. Maybe you're gonna regret it one, five, ten years from now, because maybe, just maybe, all you had to do was bare your teeth at your slick shark of a boyfriend one more time to break free of him for good without having to run.

Then again, maybe not. You had spent years trying to break him before he broke you. Yet every time you move you swear you hear your knees creak, loud as a gunshot, no matter how deliberate your movements are, no matter how diligent you are about trying to hide the fact that you’re reduced to a quivering mannequin, incapable of functioning.

When the car’s stopped again on the shoulder of the highway, it's five o'clock in the morning and the sun's deciding to show itself, to share its light with you and Apollo. The light is red, goddamn it, such an impossible shade of red that reminds you too much of blood. You shield your eyes, resort to closing them, but the light quickly grows too bright for you to simply ignore it. A wave of apprehension washes over you, and you accept then and there that you failed in your goal to not be broken by Daryan or anyone else long ago. The proof? You should be celebrating your escape, but you're not. You’re dwelling on it more than you ever have before, allowing the weight of it to threaten to snap you in two.

Next to you, Apollo sighs deeply. The prominent rise and fall of his chest comforts you, if only because it reminds you that he’s alive and breathing, together with you.

“Klavier, I…”

How earnest he sounds, how sweet and vehement, even when he’s shaking.

You adore him so, so terribly.

Apollo opens the car door. Motions for you to do the same. A quizzical look crosses your face, and you’re certain that he can sense your nervousness despite the soft smile you give him as you traipse to the hood of your Cadillac and lean against it. He wraps his arm around you and pulls you just close enough for your shoulders to touch.

You wait for him to finish his sentence, maybe say your name again because you love it when he does, but he stays silent.

“If you have anything you want to say, I’d like to hear it.” You pause, turning to him. “And I do mean anything, Apollo.”

“Anything,” he repeats, sighing. He gazes straight ahead, frowning. “Yeah, but where would I start? I still haven’t figured out where things went wrong.”

“I’ll apologize as many times as I have to for not pushing Kristoph to his doom during our vacation to the Alps.”

Kristoph…

The name rolls off your tongue, then sends a pang of guilt through you. You’d nearly forgotten about him in your tired reverie. Kristoph, your older brother who went beyond the law to get his way whenever possible. Kristoph, who took advantage of Apollo however he saw fit when they ran their own law firm together. Kristoph, who Apollo always argues was never as dangerous as Daryan but you never believed him because Apollo—sweet, dear and innocent Apollo—simply hadn’t pushed enough of Kristoph’s buttons to make him want to appear dangerous.

“And I could apologize, too,” Apollo says, “for not realizing earlier what a scumbag Daryan is.”

Apollo smiles, and you look away, suddenly self-conscious about your dyed black hair and fake colored contacts you’d adopted as part of the escape plan. Can he still see a resemblance between you and your brother? How is it that your presence never seems to be downright nauseating for him?

You take a deep breath. “Well, we’re out now, aren’t we? Let’s just… make the most of it,” you say, except your voice falters and comes out more like a stutter by the end. Even you find it hard to have faith in your own words more often than not. You can’t expect Apollo to do the same.

Still you hear Apollo say, “You’re right.” His hand slides down the small of your back before he moves away from you to open the driver side door. “Sunrises are nice and all, but we can relax and party all night or whatever else later. Maybe we’ll even drop by Rite Aid at some point for old time’s sake.”

You blink, stupidly wondering for a moment if he’s actually serious. That night you bumped into each other in the painkiller aisle… It was a coincidence, no doubt. But it was also a crucial, decisive moment in both of your lives in which Apollo kissed you because he couldn’t think of a better way to let you know he understood your sadness very, very well.

“Mm, I’d rather not. Surely you understand,” you say, grinning for good measure. He knows you’re faking it, so why you’re bothering with the charade, you don’t know. “How long ago did we cross into Arizona, by the way?”

Apollo cocks his head, twisting the bracelet on his left arm as he speaks. “I don’t know exactly, but we’re not there anymore, either. We’re in—”

You hold up a hand to stop him and shake your head. Fuck it. The charade is over. “Shows how much I’ve been paying attention, eh? No doubt you feel like you’ve been driving for an eternity now. I’m sorry.”

“We’re far, far away, and we’re only getting farther. That’s what matters right now,” he says, shrugging. The conversation appears to be over as he opens the car door and leans inside, rummaging through the center console for something.

A gust of wind picks up, and you hug yourself to keep your body from shivering and teeth from chattering. The highway’s deserted, but the morning traffic will pick up soon, so Apollo’s right. It’d be best to move on, even if none of this strikes you as real still. You’ve been going nowhere at full speed for so long now that the idea of finally having made it out alive seems absurd, much like a sick prank someone’s playing on you.

You have to trust Apollo. And you do trust Apollo, honest. More than anyone you’ve ever met, and more than anyone you’ll ever meet—not least because if he breaks you, the pieces of you won’t have a chance of fitting back together again so it’s best to prolong the process for as long as possible if, you know, it has to happen.

Your eyes now adjusted to the sunlight, you stare down the road before both of you. There’s some tire skid marks not far ahead, which you can’t say is the most promising sign. The mountain road soon dips downward and to the left, where clusters of trees block your view of anything else.

Your gaze slowly makes its way back to where you are now. It’d be all too easy on this highway to go careening into a ditch where no one would find you two. Really, it would have been easier to not be rescued at all. To not know what it’s like to feel whole. To not wonder if he’ll rip your happiness out from underneath your feet.

You flinch as you feel Apollo tap you on the arm with his pinky finger. When did he step away from the car again? In his hand he’s holding a white box. You recognize it instantly, but you’re skeptical of the gesture.

“What happened to those chords of steel you’re always on about, now?” you ask, taking the first-aid kit from him. It feels lighter than you’d expect. That’s what happens when you actually use shit like this, you suppose. It’s not a guaranteed endless supply, hence your familiarity with almost every drug store in California.

“You don’t have the most spacious car. Thought I’d make some room in there,” Apollo says, smiling sadly. He holds up his other hand, revealing two tubes of antiseptic cream, all obviously empty and squeezed until the last drop.

You look down the mountain road again and can’t help but laugh. “Is this my chance to finally push Kristoph off the cliff, metaphorically speaking?”

“Exactly.”

You laugh again. Laughing is something you thought you’d forgotten how to do until you met Apollo, so you don’t force yourself to stop, even if nothing about your plight is particularly funny, even if you’re worrying the man beside you in the process.

And for a moment, it’s all right, standing there, just the two of you. For once, there’s no rush to keep moving forward. There’s no pressure to do anything but exist or be anyone besides yourself.

You were so close to giving up, before Apollo. So close to going nowhere, and so close to accepting your dead end life. You’re still not sure what’s gonna happen from here, but you’re so close to finding out that you can’t bear the thought of missing it. Can’t bear the thought of constantly questioning him, doubting him, when he’s unlike anyone else you’ve ever known.

You’ll trust him until you have a reason not to.

 

[Misfit Angel]

Hello! Figured I'd give this a read since it's nice and short and the concept isn't horribly depressing. At least, I didn't think it was! Turns out it was only a little.

Since I'm disappointed by my usual style of reviews (rambly useless mess), I'll try something traditional that's worked before.

Plot
I'm unfamiliar with the plot of the Ace Attorney series. I looked it up and it looks like this might have been based on a plot point in one of them with several liberties taken, yet at the same time, maybe not. So I'll just treat this as its own thing.

I liked it. I really did. We get a sense of the history behind Klavier and Apollo without the narrative being bogged down. We know that Klavier is on the run from his past and why he's on the run. I wasn't entirely sold on the idea of Apollo being the person to drive Klavier out of state until I realized that this is probably a witness protection operation. Or maybe that's just what friends do for each other?

Setting
There's not much there: Klavier's car. There's little description of it, but I get the feeling it's small, cramped and uncomfortable. There's also the setting of traveling the highways to leave California, but there's really not much there, either. That's perfectly fine, there's not a whole lot the setting could really add.

Characters
Again, I'm unfamiliar with the details of these characters. I could probably pin a name to an image for just about every character in the franchise (I've watched a loooooooooot of Phoenix Wrong over the years), but that's it.

That said, in relation to the plot, we got to know a lot about Klavier, his family and his respect/love for Apollo. We didn't learn much about Apollo himself, though. Intentional, or room for a little bit of expansion in an edit?

Style
Second person narration is not something I'm used to. Never actually touched on it in all my years of school, other than the vague "it's a thing that happens sometimes". I'm actually a little scared to comment on it because I have such little experience with it.

I know, I know, as your protege, I should be more familiar with it...

Technical
Pretty damn near flawless. Few things, though:

Apollo opens the car door, motions for you to do the same.

I'd probably drop the comma and stick in an and. The sentence reads a little funny in its current form.

That night you bumped in each other in the painkiller aisle

into?

Your gaze slowly makes it way back to where you are now.

I'm actually not sure if this is a problem? Grammatically, its correct in this form, but... Might be that I'm tired, but it doesn't look right considering what this sentence is trying to convey.

You’re still not sure where what’s gonna happen from here

This word can probably go, methinks it was a leftover from a differently written sentence.

Other

You slouch and rest your knees up on the dashboard, the best sleeping position you can manage in an unfavorably cramped place like this.

Bad idea, yo. In a crash, the airbag will rocket your knees into your skull and turn your brain into potato stew.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Yeah, this was inspired by an AU fic based on the 4th game. Fanfic of a fanfic, basically.

I'm glad to hear the narration didn't feel bogged down. This was an experimental piece in that I didn't write any of the paragraphs in order... lol, nor did I really have any plan in mind. Just kinda let the words flow and whatnot. That being said, the lack of focus on Apollo wasn't really intentional at first, but it became apparent to me really quickly that this was going to be a character piece focused on Klavier's thoughts and reactions to things that had happened to him, so Apollo indeed got pushed to the background. I'm not even sure how I'd incorporate him more in an edit at this point except expand on dialogue parts, but those were proving to be a real struggle for me for whatever reason so I just continued to let Klavier take the wheel, so to speak.

Thanks for reading and commenting! I demand you go write a second person piece now and my protege. Not really, but it actually is a lot of fun. It tends to be my go-to for short pieces like this. It's not quite as intimate as first person - or they're not really intimate in the same way, I should say - but it's not as detached as third person, either. I dunno, I like it as a writing exercise more than anything.

 

[Ghostsoul]

I'm too unfamiliar with Ace Attorney, but you wrote this fic well enough that I don't think you need background knowledge in order to enjoy it.

The car stops, and in that moment you feel like you might very well die. You’re on the run, goddamn it, you don’t have time for this, to be on the run you have to be moving. But you’re not moving, so you’re going to get caught and all that’ll be left for you is one last, awful surge of breath, then nothing…

A good opening with emotional impact which places the reader right into the story, with the second person narration forcing them to acknowledge their closeness with the character.

You sigh. At this angle, the most you can see are the silhouettes of birds against the darkened sky as they perch motionlessly on the tops of telephone poles.

Very beautifully written and an original use of scenery.

A wave of apprehension washes over you, and you accept then and there that you failed in your goal to not be broken by Daryan or anyone else long ago. The proof? You should be celebrating your escape, but you're not. You’re dwelling on it more than you ever have before, allowing the weight of it to threaten to snap you in two.

The rhetorical question here works well with getting in the mind the character.

“We’re far, far away, and we’re only getting farther. That’s what matters right now,” he says, shrugging. The conversation appears to be over as he opens the car door and leans inside, rummaging through the center console for something.

I think the lack of background detail throughout the fic is actually beneficial to it. It allows a lot of the character's thoughts and emotional dialogue deliveries take more centre stage, such as this one here.

You were so close to giving up, before Apollo. So close to going nowhere, and so close to accepting your dead end life. You’re still not sure what’s gonna happen from here, but you’re so close to finding out that you can’t bear the thought of missing it. Can’t bear the thought of constantly questioning him, doubting him, when he’s unlike anyone else you’ve ever known.

A really nice closing line which ties together the whole piece. Fitting perfectly with the style and deeply applicable to the character.

A really beautifully written one shot, which works incredibly well. Stylistically the second person narrative works very well even if it is an unusual choice for most works. Here it is utilized so that the reader and the character are one person, with the thoughts well portrayed as rushing questions going through their mind. It is an original and refreshing piece to read.

 

[AceTrainer14]

I am here with my awards review. Normally, I try to edit these thoughts into something more coherent and less structured, but given this was such a short piece, I’ve kept it fairly separated per-awards style.

The plot was fairly straightforward. I understood it to be two boyfriends fleeing their city to escape a violent ex and plot their future – please correct me if I am wrong!

It is short, sweet and simple, but by no means the worse for it. If it had been much longer, it probably would have dragged on more than it needed to. There are no thrills or frills here, but the story moves at a natural pace and remains readable throughout (asides from some minor niggles which will come up later).

Given how short the story is, you managed to create two interesting and quite different characters. As someone who has never played the game or read the previous story, I got a decent feel for what Klavier and Apollo had both been through and was able to empathise for their characters. While I did question the context of some past events, there was no time where I felt confused as to what they were feeling and why or what their connection was. In fact, if there were not references to past events that were particularly unique, I would have assumed that it was an original work. The past references, however, did leave a little confused as to what their previous jobs were. There were reference about rock bands and stuff like that – I did like how you attempted to include this stuff without going out of your way to explain every little detail, but perhaps a tad more context or some more specific references would have been helpful.

My one main complaint about the characters is that the story was a little restrained in showing their romance. They are going through a stressful time, yes, but unless one of the characters is canonically distant, it felt a little strange that there was not as much intimacy between them for a shipping fic. A reassuring kiss or more holding of hands while they were in the car together might have been nice. If they were not specific mentions of male-exes nor that moment on the side of the highway, it would have felt like two very close friends heading off together. That may have been your intention and I have made the relationship more than what you meant, but if they aren’t meant to be gay, it is then quite a gay-baity story, and that would be even more problematic.

There is not much in the way of a setting, but I cannot fault the story for this really as the setting is not crucial for the characters and what they are going through. I did enjoy how the car was used as a metaphor of fear and being trapped, and the highway scene was a look to the future, a symbol for freedom and the possibility of what may come next. A tad cliché choice, but it worked well enough. More descriptions could have added to the atmosphere, but I accept that the opportunities were limited. However, I think the earlier scenes could have presented more colour through describing the city itself. It would make the openness of the highway at the end more poetic.

As I am not a huge fan of second person, I did doubt that I would enjoy the story, but for the most part it worked. It was a good way to get inside of Klavier’s head and express his emotions. It was a very character driven piece, and I think second person is the only way it could have been told. Placing things firmly in the present and giving it this personal connection and relationship with the reader was a bold, potentially risky move, and I applaud your choice.

However, when it came to references to the past/the original fan fic, the story got a bit weighed down. There were a lot of outside references that are detailed enough to draw your interest but still vague that things went unexplained. It is a tricky balance to get right, but I think this story relies too much on other events that it does not offer a good enough explanation for. It was confusing at times as to why they are on the run, and it was not until the car had pulled over on the highway that I felt things had settled into place. I am not sure if this is because it is second person issue, but I feel like a third person, out of body narrator would have been better to hint at and relay these previous events in a way that makes one curious without the lack of further details derailing things. Including references to past events in this current style just make them clunky and stand out compared to the emotional flow of the second half. This was one of the main sequences which really distracted me and pushed me out of the story:

That night at the concert—your last performance with the Gavinners, the last straw for Daryan Crescend—you had little choice but to accept that somewhere along the line you screwed up bad and in order to fix things you’d have to screw up even worse. It would’ve been one hell of a show to see Klavier Gavin, renowned singer and guitarist, die at the hands of one of his own stage props.

You also had a tendency here to use a lot of run on sentences that didn’t really go anywhere. These were mostly in the first half of the story when we are being given the context. Something like this line, for example, felt like it could have been tweaked to be as punchy as was seemingly intended:

Whoever’s idea it was to literally put you in chains just to emphasize the whole cop theme the band had going on, well, fuck ‘em. Fuck ’em all.

And, as I feel obliged to mention given our off-forum chat, no technical or grammatical errors that stood out to me.

This was a warming short story that left me curious to know what happened next, which most one shots rarely do for me. The characters were diverse in a way that could have been forced but seemed very natural. And there was enough information to provide context, but the parts set firmly in the present were all you needed for a good read.

The major issues come from it not being particularly gay for an implied romance between two gay men, and the past events not being worked into the flow of the story particularly well. It was an enjoyable read, one that was pleasant and moving enough, and I would have loved to have recognised it as a winner. It was really held back by those scattered, sloppy sentences, and the flaws of the stylistic choice limited it from reaching its full impact. If the quality of the highway scene had been present in the city scene, I would have easily argued it both as a winner and a Best Story contender.

 

[Iggy]

Well, I won't repeat what others have said (some of the comments seem as long as the story itself and I'm more of a succinct and punctual guy). Withtout knowing anything about Ace Attonrney thing was I still able to follow everything. The only thing I'm wondering what model Cadillac that was. The smallest Cadillac is the ATS and I'm sure even I, with my 2 meter length, can fit into the passenger seat. So how tall is this Klavier?

Bad idea, yo. In a crash, the airbag will rocket your knees into your skull and turn your brain into potato stew.

Finally a pillow.

 

[diamondpearl876]

@Ghostsoul Thanks for the comments! I'm glad you liked it so much, especially the description and second person, the former of which I'm not always that great at and the latter which is just a rare POV, lul.

@AceTrainer14 And thanks for the post-awards feedback! They're... canonically distant but also kind of not. With the physical abuse pasts, they're hesitant sometimes, but they've worked through it. I agree I could've at least mentioned that they were hesitant to be intimate in the moment of the story, although I thought the past history bits were weighing things down already (and it seems some people agree they were) and the intimacy part would only have added to it without the benefit of adding context at the same time. And yeah, honestly, I love the first half of this, but I wasn't quite as confident with the second half. So I was aware of the possible quality dip, but at the time didn't quite know how to fix it. Your review gives me a better idea of how, so thanks, since I want to write Ace Attorney again sometime.

@Iggy I couldn't tell you. I don't know cars, so I won't pretend to know them, except that Cadillacs are nice enough for a stylish guy like Klavier to own. XD The thoughr was that it was more a metaphorical use of feeling cramped and trapped than the car actually physically being too small. Thanks for reading and commenting!

 

[kintsugi]

a random prenote

I have no knowledge of Ace Attorney and it probably shows. Also, this is a post-Awards review from definitely-Arkadelphiak; hello.


general/intro

The concept of this is really cool. Having a car as a setting keeps your setpieces changing a little/lets your characters look out the window at the world rolling by, but it keeps everything really claustrophobic and tightly-focused on Klavier and Apollo. There’s a lot of emotion laced into the first few paragraphs of this, and between the feeling of being trapped in the car with these two and the frustration that the tone is able to convey, you do a great job of passing on that emotion to the reader.


The emotional focus of this story is pretty non-traditional as well (or maybe I haven’t read enough AO3 OOPS). When I realized this was a story with a backstory in abuse, I thought this was going to be about the hurt/angst, but the moral/focus is actually a lot more:

You were so close to giving up, before Apollo. So close to going nowhere, and so close to accepting your dead end life. You’re still not sure what’s gonna happen from here, but you’re so close to finding out that you can’t bear the thought of missing it. Can’t bear the thought of constantly questioning him, doubting him, when he’s unlike anyone else you’ve ever known.

Maybe this came at a good time in my life for me to be particularly hardwired to appreciate it, but I thought having this be about Klavier moving on was a much more unique and realistic approach. Good shit.


prose/style

You slide lower into the leather passenger seat of your Cadillac, hoping that if you try hard enough, you’ll fold in on yourself like some complicated origami puzzle no one will ever care enough to unfold.

I probably say this way too much, but I love the way that you choose to describe things sometimes. There’s something so fresh and unique about describing a person this way, and it makes the reading itself a breath of fresh air. There’s a dozen quotes like this scattered delightfully across the story, but this was my favorite. This is the kind of story where it’s so easy to fall into cliche: it’s almost all introspection, so the prose is really what carries the flashy/attention-grabbing parts, and you’re presenting thoughts on somewhat archetypal topics like love/brokenness/healing. It’d be really easy to throw the word broken/tears/scars/stuff all around on the page for a few hundred words and call it a day, and I’m really glad that you didn’t.


That being said, I'm not sold on the sustained second-person narrator; to me, the weight of "you" is really best applied when the reader is supposed to become the narrator, so to speak. And in this case, Klavier's feelings are relatable and well-presented, but they aren't the primary focus of the story -- I read it more as a piece about Klavier overcoming a past trauma, which is fine, but second-person narrator doesn't fully stand up to the added burden of having to convince the reader of the validity/depth of that past trauma in addition to the emotional catharsis that Klavier eventually receives. the second-person adds a huge amount of immediacy that the pacing of the story can't (and didn't need to/shouldn't have) fully catch up to.


irony/symbolism

On my first readthrough, I thought that the ending was a bit too aggressively symbolic: everything got put into its metaphor place. Klavier/Apollo driving away in a car while driving away from their emotional baggage; the sunrise of a new future lights their path; the past is falling off a mountain the the meantime. I think what got me tuned into this was when the characters themselves started saying these things aloud:

“Shows how much I’ve been paying attention, eh? No doubt you feel like you’ve been driving for an eternity now. I’m sorry.”/ “We’re far, far away, and we’re only getting farther. That’s what matters right now,”

Your eyes now adjusted to the sunlight, you stare down the road before both of you.

“Is this my chance to finally push Kristoph off the cliff, metaphorically speaking?”

On my second readthrough, I thought this was fine--you’re aggressively toeing a line between wrapping everything up neatly and making things too neat, and the more you spell out that the sunrise is symbolic of them starting a new day, the closer you get to crossing that line, but I think you were just able to stay on the right side of things here. I would be careful with how aggressive your symbolism-merging-into-characterization gets on short pieces, though -- it works out really beautifully in some of your longer works, when there’s enough prose to dilute it a little, but here, it’s practically hitting us in the face, and the narrative itself is held up substantially by these staring-into-the-sunrise lines.


overall

I liked it. Your strengths with characterization and style/tone really shine through here, and while the story almost knits itself together too cleanly, I think it did so in a very enjoyable and relatable way.

 

[diamondpearl876]

a random prenote

I have no knowledge of Ace Attorney and it probably shows. Also, this is a post-Awards review from definitely-Arkadelphiak; hello.

ummmm Arkadelphiak, you look different... did you change your hair?

general/intro

The concept of this is really cool. Having a car as a setting keeps your setpieces changing a little/lets your characters look out the window at the world rolling by, but it keeps everything really claustrophobic and tightly-focused on Klavier and Apollo. There’s a lot of emotion laced into the first few paragraphs of this, and between the feeling of being trapped in the car with these two and the frustration that the tone is able to convey, you do a great job of passing on that emotion to the reader.


The emotional focus of this story is pretty non-traditional as well (or maybe I haven’t read enough AO3 OOPS). When I realized this was a story with a backstory in abuse, I thought this was going to be about the hurt/angst, but the moral/focus is actually a lot more:



Maybe this came at a good time in my life for me to be particularly hardwired to appreciate it, but I thought having this be about Klavier moving on was a much more unique and realistic approach. Good shit.

Ayyy, emotions. I like writing them. Glad to hear you think it worked well here! I do love these characters, but, you know, they're canon. And that can make emotional writing a bit trickier, I think, especially when the canon's not quite so emotional itself.

prose/styleI probably say this way too much, but I love the way that you choose to describe things sometimes. There’s something so fresh and unique about describing a person this way, and it makes the reading itself a breath of fresh air. There’s a dozen quotes like this scattered delightfully across the story, but this was my favorite. This is the kind of story where it’s so easy to fall into cliche: it’s almost all introspection, so the prose is really what carries the flashy/attention-grabbing parts, and you’re presenting thoughts on somewhat archetypal topics like love/brokenness/healing. It’d be really easy to throw the word broken/tears/scars/stuff all around on the page for a few hundred words and call it a day, and I’m really glad that you didn’t.

I try. I really do, lol. I'm quite proud of that specific line myself, too.

That being said, I'm not sold on the sustained second-person narrator; to me, the weight of "you" is really best applied when the reader is supposed to become the narrator, so to speak. And in this case, Klavier's feelings are relatable and well-presented, but they aren't the primary focus of the story -- I read it more as a piece about Klavier overcoming a past trauma, which is fine, but second-person narrator doesn't fully stand up to the added burden of having to convince the reader of the validity/depth of that past trauma in addition to the emotional catharsis that Klavier eventually receives. the second-person adds a huge amount of immediacy that the pacing of the story can't (and didn't need to/shouldn't have) fully catch up to.

That makes sense. As usual, this one-shot didn't turn out anything like what I'd planned. So it shifted so that it'd probably have been better in third person, but. 'Tis what an experimental piece is for, I guess.

irony/symbolism

On my first readthrough, I thought that the ending was a bit too aggressively symbolic: everything got put into its metaphor place. Klavier/Apollo driving away in a car while driving away from their emotional baggage; the sunrise of a new future lights their path; the past is falling off a mountain the the meantime. I think what got me tuned into this was when the characters themselves started saying these things aloud: On my second readthrough, I thought this was fine--you’re aggressively toeing a line between wrapping everything up neatly and making things too neat, and the more you spell out that the sunrise is symbolic of them starting a new day, the closer you get to crossing that line, but I think you were just able to stay on the right side of things here. I would be careful with how aggressive your symbolism-merging-into-characterization gets on short pieces, though -- it works out really beautifully in some of your longer works, when there’s enough prose to dilute it a little, but here, it’s practically hitting us in the face, and the narrative itself is held up substantially by these staring-into-the-sunrise lines.

This is fair. The cliff comments are actual conversations from the fic I used as inspiration here and I didn't realize the connection to the symbolism until you pointed them out just now, but the rest I'll take the blame for. Guess I gotta step up my symbolism game next now that I've got emotions/description down a bit more.

Thanks for the comments! <3

 

[Persephone]

You slide lower into the leather passenger seat of your Cadillac, hoping that if you try hard enough, you’ll fold in on yourself like some complicated origami puzzle no one will ever care enough to unfold. You’d be totally okay with disappearing, never to be found again.

I thought this bit was good.

In general I thought you pulled off the ending/everything after the car stopped quite well. Everything before that, while maybe necessary to explain the context of the story, was a little... idk. Second person is hard. One of the hard parts of it is explaining thoughts, because it's really best for a sort of pen and paper RP type feel where the narrator outlines the action, while the protagonist's thoughts are communicated in clear likes and dislikes and actions more than the kind of metacognitive narration that works in third person, or the attempts at justification in first. If I was writing something like this in first person, I'd focus less on explaining what happened and more on giving reactions. Maybe he sees something in the car that reminds him of his past, and reacts quickly and strongly (if stealthily) to it.

Second person is good for a lot of things. Focusing on the past... not really one of them. Which is a mild problem here, and I think explains why I struggled so much to get through the first bit.

The payoff was good. Very good. And by "struggle" I mean "wasn't 100% engaged," because you're a good enough writer I can be a tad melodramatic here. Only concern is whether or not the length makes all of the exposition worth it for one good scene. I think you could've afforded to tweak the narration or cut things out of the start, or lengthened the end. But this was clearly an experimental sort of dealie, and on that level it's rather good for a first stab at a few things.

 

[diamondpearl876]

In general I thought you pulled off the ending/everything after the car stopped quite well. Everything before that, while maybe necessary to explain the context of the story, was a little... idk. Second person is hard. One of the hard parts of it is explaining thoughts, because it's really best for a sort of pen and paper RP type feel where the narrator outlines the action, while the protagonist's thoughts are communicated in clear likes and dislikes and actions more than the kind of metacognitive narration that works in third person, or the attempts at justification in first. If I was writing something like this in first person, I'd focus less on explaining what happened and more on giving reactions. Maybe he sees something in the car that reminds him of his past, and reacts quickly and strongly (if stealthily) to it.

Second person is good for a lot of things. Focusing on the past... not really one of them. Which is a mild problem here, and I think explains why I struggled so much to get through the first bit.

Interesting that this is basically the exact opposite of what everyone else said. XD But, I see what you mean. I honestly don't have an explanation for not trying this in third person other than my experiences with third person have been subpar at best and I didn't want to struggle with the piece anymore than I already was.

The payoff was good. Very good. And by "struggle" I mean "wasn't 100% engaged," because you're a good enough writer I can be a tad melodramatic here. Only concern is whether or not the length makes all of the exposition worth it for one good scene. I think you could've afforded to tweak the narration or cut things out of the start, or lengthened the end. But this was clearly an experimental sort of dealie, and on that level it's rather good for a first stab at a few things.

Fair enough. I'm glad you enjoyed it regardless! I consider this not only an experiment but also a refresher for writing more AA in the future, so your comments are definitely things to keep in mind. ^^ Thanks!