Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (OMA Chapter 16 up!)

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

lol THIS. IS. AWESOME!!!!!! YAY Joey!

 

[Magmortar123]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

Another great chapter I really liked the character interaction especially when Dante punched Lyra and he actually felt remorse. Oh and Joey!! He was epic xD

 

[Lurking]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 to be up tonight)

I've always loved the idea of this fic, but I've never tried to review it. I like how you've made it all very unorthodox, even having Dante stealing the badge to win (so that's what's around Falkner's neck... I thought it was just bling...) and having to elope from every city he's been in. There were a couple of spelling/grammatical errors (hopefully pointed out below), but they didn't distract me from reading.

“Totodile! Bite”

Dropped the period after Bite.

Dante put away his Pokegear, “Actually I can. I just did” In his head he thought, Totodile needs some serious training. He’d gotten even more disobedient. Gastly’s Curse may come in handy in the future when it was time for training.

You've forgotten a period after the "I just did", but nothing major. I suggest putting thoughts in italics so they aren't confused with the rest of the sentence.

However, I do like how Dante intends to use Gastly's Curse to punish his disobedient Totodile. It's harsh and cruel, just perfect for him. Speaking of which, why didn't Gastly partake in the battle?

In a flash of light the little bird transformed into a beam of energy and returned to its pokeball. Glaring furiously, Falkner sent out another Pokeball.

You forgot to capitalize the first "Pokeball", and I think you meant to say that Falkner sent out another Pokemon, not Pokeball (if you did mean Pokeball, oops. But it was a bit repetitive)

This was a Pokemon Dante knew all too well, having seen them in the Viridian Forest near home.

Nothing wrong here, just glad that you acknowledged the appearance of under leveled Pidgeotto near Viridian Forest, as well as Dante/Silver's birthtown being Viridian. Nice.

Dante nodded and the spout became a full blow water gun. Pidgeotto easily dodged it.

“Totodile, jumped and use scratch!”

"...and the spout became a full blown Water Gun"(?)
Also, scratch should be capitalized as well

Dante bared his teeth and hissed inwards.

So... he's hissing to himself? Okay, no, that was mean. I'm guessing you meant "inwardly"

By now Pidgeotto was looking very bruised. Falkner called out, “Pidgeotto, roost for a bit.”

You probably did this on purpose, but Roost is a Pokemon move and should be capitalized. However, as a verb, it's all right, so you could have it either way there.

“Totodile, water gun!”

However, Water Gun does need to be capitalized here.

“Sorry Falkner, but you cheated. I would have won if you hadn’t kept repeating that roost command.”

Love this line. It's hilarious, and reflects the anger of many new gamers in HG/SS.

He had actually punched a girl. Sure he didn’t like her, but he felt terrible.

I like the idea of Dante feeling remorse without Lyra's noticing. It follows the game line, but it also shows what's going on in Dante's head in the fight. Nice character work here.

She grabbed the hat from her head and covered his face with it, making it hard for him to breath.

As a verb, it should be "breathe."

His subconscious noticed that it smelled faintly of the same type of hair spray his mother used to use.

Interesting...

She was breathtakingly beautiful, but Dante maintained a feeling of contempt for her.

Comma forgotten. I've added it in white.

Crazy lady, he thought. What did she mean by that whole ‘you are who you are’ stuff?

Once again, I suggest Italics for thoughts. It's your choice though. I also like how Dante gets advice from the Kimono Girls; it adds a new dimension to the plot (as if it wasn't already good enough)

Overall, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a nitpick. Sorry.

Actually, I think that this story is brilliant. I like how you've characterized Dante and included random characters like Joey (but made them so much better). I love it. Also, I'm eagerly awaiting what you've done with Proton/Lance. Nice work.

 

[Falconwing]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

I do thank all who check my spelling and grammar. I'll make sure to fix those little bits.

I did consider putting the thoughts in italics, in fact I think an earlier chapter still has that, but I dropped it because I hate how it looks. Just my personal thing. If it's really that distracting I can fix it.

Also, on the Gastly bit, you'll notice Gastly fainted in the Sprout Tower and has yet to reawaken.

EDIT: Fixed. What do you mean "Comma Forgotten?"

 

[Kick]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

Nice chapter. Great battle and development. Did Youngster Joey of all people have a Crowning Moment of Awesome? I think he just did...

 

[Kimori-Hinoarashi]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

This. Chapter. Was. EPIC! You showed a new side of Silver Dante. And Dante using Curse to get his Pokemon to obey him makes a lot of sense, after all, if you carry around a Zubat/Golbat for as long as Silver did and battle with it then it's bound to evolve whether you treat it kindly or not. This chapter was well worth the wait. Also, were you inspired by PokeSpe with Dante/Silver stealing the Gym Badges?

 

[Falconwing]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

I don't recall Silver stealing any badges in the special. I just felt that having him flat out win against the first (and my favorite) Johto Gym Leader was not only boring, it wouldn't have allowed me to get Joey back in the story.

 

[Instrutilus]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

Yeah, he stole them near the end of the GSC Chapters of Pokémon Adventures/Pokémon Special.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

I did consider putting the thoughts in italics, in fact I think an earlier chapter still has that, but I dropped it because I hate how it looks. Just my personal thing. If it's really that distracting I can fix it.

I understand entirely. It's not really distracting, since you only do it once or twice and your chapters are long enough to hide it, and I understand- it's your opinion and you can do whatever you want.

Also, on the Gastly bit, you'll notice Gastly fainted in the Sprout Tower and has yet to reawaken.

*headdesk*
*headdesks* again out of frustration
That's what I get for not re-reading the chapters after a while. Oops.

What do you mean "Comma Forgotten?"

I put the comma in bold (it's not actually in the chapter, which is why I wrote that you forgot). Of course, since it's a tiny comma, you can't see it. Silly me. I'll change it to blue or something.

 

[Falconwing]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

Yeah, Dante's more of a doer than a thinker. And the comma was fixed. Thank you.

Anyways, Chapter 12 may actually be out tonight. And Chapter 13 tomorrow.

EDIT: What do you know, in the time we were down, I managed to get Chapter 12 done.

CHAPTER 12​

Dante collapsed against a rocky cliff further down the route. He was exhausted, he was in pain, and he had no conscious Pokemon to help him. Dante saw a clump of trees nearby and gathering every last ounce of strength he had, he pulled himself under the cover of the shadows and lay there. He heard a loud cawing in the air above and would not have been surprised if it was a flying type from the gym out looking for him.

He had had no intention of sleeping, but when he jolted awake later on the pains had ebbed and the sun was slipping back behind the horizon. Dante had slept through the entire day. In a panic, he jumped to his feet, noticing his back didn’t twinge nearly as much, and he took off running again.

Dante didn’t get much further before he found himself passing underneath the Magnet Train rails. It had only been two days since he had walked those rails to get to New Bark, but it felt like it had been months instead. The Weeks’ had been right all this time. A trainer’s life was difficult.

The sun had fully set beyond the mountains and Dante was treading ever so carefully through the grass so as not to disturb any of the wild Pokemon. He didn’t think there was anything on this route that could do serious damage to him, and he could always fight the Pokemon himself or stare them down if he had to, but it was better to just not start something this late at night.

In the distance, Dante saw a flickering orange light amongst the trees. He may only have been eleven years old, but he knew enough about the world to realize that unnatural orange light meant people. Dante didn't get along well with people, but he needed to heal his Pokemon. Taking a breath, Dante began running down the hill, sending Rattata and Wooper hidden by the night scurrying.

Dante entered the forest and heard voices laughing and singing in the distance. Dante didn’t think there was a town out here. Perhaps it was a remote Pokemon Center like the one near Pewter City.

He brushed aside a tree limb and saw exactly that: a Pokemon Center tucked away in the woods here. Outside around a firepit a bunch of hikers sat laughing while a fisherman played a harmonica. A bird keeper took up a song to the tune. Soon, all the men were singing with him.

“…whole new way to see. It’s a whole new place, with a brand new attitude…”

Dante didn’t know the song but he watched in envy as these men, who must all have been complete strangers to each other, sat around chatting and having fun. Dante had never been able to do that. No one ever wanted to talk to him. Not even his own family had really been interested in talking to him.

“Hey, who’s there? Yeah, you with the red hair!”

One of the hikers had noticed him in the shadows. Dante threw on his mask of apathy and strolled into the camp. “Good evening,” he said gruffly.

The fisherman laughed, “Why, it’s one of those rookie trainers. Seems we’ve got a lot of them coming through here today.”

Dante’s mask slipped. Another trainer like him had gone through here. “Who else has been here?”

The birdkeeper answered, “Some kid who beat Falkner up in Violet City. Said his name was Ethan. Then there was the girl with the policeman. They were looking for some Pokemon thief or something. All three of them went deeper into the woods towards Union Cave.”

Dante’s heart stopped. Ethan and Lyra were ahead of him. He was officially surrounded. Violet City was impossible to return to and his worst enemies would be waiting in ambush up ahead.

“Are you okay kid? You look pretty bad.”

Dante tried to recover, “Oh… I, uh… fell. From the hill earlier.”

“Well, why’d you do a thing like that?” one hiker asked.

Dante shot him a look, “Are you actually stupid enough to think I did it on purpose?”

The hiker looked at the fisherman next to him, then back at Dante, “Well, sorry for offending you. I was just asking.”

“Thanks for your concern,” Dante said icily, “But I don’t need it.”

Not even bothering to let the men speak again, Dante opened the door to the Center and entered.

It was brightly lit and warm inside. Dante walked up to the counter and rang the bell. A nurse, very much like the one in Violet City, walked out of the back room, “Good evening. I’m Joyce, the nurse in charge here. Is there something I can do for you?” He voice was sweet and friendly, like a little girl who was offering to help her grandmother.

Dante pulled out his two pokeballs, “My Totodile and Gastly were too weak. They need to be healed.”

The nurse looked like she was going to scold him for his tone, but she held her tongue. She took the balls from him and then an uncomfortable silence set in, with Dante just watching her place the Pokeballs on a special machine that looked far more complicated than was needed. Finally, Dante asked, “Do you have a pen and paper I can use?”

The nurse handed him what he asked for and Dante walked over to the corner to work. He needed more Pokemon obviously and he considered catching something before he himself went into the Union Cave. Common sense told him that there would be Zubat and Rattata in the area, and Dante distinctly remembered seeing Wooper on the way here. Of those options, Wooper was the worst choice. Dante already had a water type, regardless of how disobedient that one may be.

Rattata and Zubat were incredibly common Pokemon and neither appealed to Dante. He knew their evolutions were powerful, but Dante already had enough trouble ahead of him with Totodile and Gastly. Another weak Pokemon and he might as well give up on any hope of becoming the best. Dante didn’t like the fact he kept stealing things to get ahead. He made a promise that the Zephyr Badge, which was tucked in his pocket now, was the only badge he would ever steal. After all, Dante wanted to be able to return to other cities.

He continued to work out a plan, while the men from outside came in to get some rest. Union Cave would be sure to have Geodude in it, but Dante scratched that from the list immediately. That family was too slow. In the end, Dante was seriously considering a Rattata. Besides, it had a certain poetry to it. He could prove to Joey that his weak Rattata was not all that great.

Which reminded him, he still had to add Joey’s number to his Pokegear. Dante pulled out the slip of paper which contained the number and he punched it into the phone card. At first he was just going to leave it at that, but Dante felt he owed Joey something for helping him that morning and he dialed the number.

The phone rang twice, and then a voice answered, “Hello?”

Dante cleared his throat, “Joey, it’s Dante.”

“Oh, Dante! Glad you made it to safety.”

“Yes, thanks to you. You made it out alright?”

“Oh yeah. Falkner didn’t press charges or anything. He just sort of yelled.”

Dante chuckled to himself. “So, why were you in Violet today?”

Joey’s voice said, “Well, I had to let you know that Ethan had passed me earlier this morning. I booked it to Violet and managed to find you getting ganged up on. And, on that note, Ethan is already in Union Cave. I called him today.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dante said. “I’m just outside it. He passed by earlier this afternoon. So did Lyra.”

There was a slight pause before Joey asked, “Who’s Lyra?”

Dante was about to answer but he heard a noise coming from the mezzanine above. A large man in a business suit and carrying a briefcase was walking down from the stairs.

The man called to Joyce, “Thanks for letting me use the Union Room for my business. I’ll be outside if anymore calls come in.” Joyce nodded at him and the man went out the door.

Dante just stared, “Um, Joey, I’ll call you back.”

“Why, what’s up?”

“Do you remember a Marcus Westin? Large guy, wears a suit?”

“Oh, yeah! He was the guy who bought the Game Corner for your dad. Why do you ask?”

Dante didn’t answer. He severed the call and ran outside.

The man in the suit was off at the edge of the firelight. One of the hikers had decided to sleep outside under the stars, and he was already snoring like a congested Ursaring.

Dante walked over the man in the suit, “Wonderful evening isn’t it?” he asked innocently.

The man turned towards him, smoking a cigarette. “Why, yes it is. Better than the rain we’ve had these la… Gah!” The man shrieked, dropping his cigarette. “Dante Argento!”

Dante scowled, “Don’t call me that Marcus. I don’t like being reminded of the past.”

Marcus Westin scrambled to put out his fallen cigarette. Breathing rapidly he asked, “What are you doing out here? I thought you’d be back in Viridian City or something.” While talking, Dante noticed him nudging his briefcase further back into the shadows with his foot.

“What do you have in that case?”

Marcus got even more visibly nervous. “Well, um… nothing. Nothing important. I’m sure you wouldn’t understand it even if it was important. Papers and whatnot. You know,” he smiled.

Dante wasn’t convinced. “You mentioned you were doing business in the Union Room upstairs. Since the only business I know you had was the business of Team Rocket, I think I have every right to know what you were doing.”

Marcus sighed. “Well,” he began. “I’m selling Slowpoke Tails. No no no, it’s not what you think. They actually make delicious meals if served properly. I’ve got some very rich people who have bought from me.”

Dante still didn’t buy it. Narrowing his eyes he asked, “Isn’t selling Slowpoke Tails illegal?”

“Well… yes. Yes it is,” Marcus said. “But I’ve still made money off it. It’s just like that Farfetch’d thing we had going five years back. People buy what makes them feel good. And a Slowpoke Tail sure makes you feel good.” He chuckled lightly.

Things weren’t adding up, and Dante finally figured out why. “Why do you need this money?” he asked.

There was silence. Marcus shifted his feet back and forth in the dirt. Finally, he said, “You are so very much like your father.”

Dante’s fury broke loose. His fist came up and caught Marcus right across the jaw, throwing him backwards against a tree. Dante yelled, “I am nothing like him! You hear me? Nothing!”

“Okay, take it easy. You are nothing lik-”

“My father was weak and pathetic. I’m not. I’m strong and I’ve had to learn to be strong all by myself. My great father could never do that!”

Marcus cowered even more, “Okay, okay. Settle down. Let’s not attract any attention out here.”

Dante looked around. The hiker was still snoring away. Turning his attention back on Marcus, he said, “Tell me what I want to know. Why do you need the money?”

Marcus looked around, then leaned in and whispered, “Team Rocket is making a comeback. I’m selling these tails we get from Azalea Town across the mountains and giving the profits to the boss.”

“Who? My father?” Dante asked.

“N-no,” Marcus stuttered. He sighed. “James Archer is in command of Team Rocket now.”

Dante was stunned. Joey’s dad was now running Giovanni’s organization? “You’re kidding right?”

“No. Archer, Petrel, and Proton are running the show now.”

This new information swam around inside Dante’s head. It confused him to no end. “Are you telling me,” he began slowly, “That the nut job who killed that Marowak in Lavender Town, the creepy guy who plays dress-up, and the man who lost the Sevii Islands to Red are trying to run the team?”

Marcus hesitated before giving a very definite, “Yes.”

“So… where’s my mother in all of this?”

The silence and shifting of feet was back. Finally, Marcus said, “Dante, it’s best I don’t say anymore. Your mother… she gave strict orders for everyone not to contact you and let you know what was happening. I’ve already said too much about the operation as it is. Now… now just leave me alone.” Grabbing his suitcase, Marcus ran back into the Pokemon Center.

Dante stood there, dumfounded. His own mother wanted nothing to do with him. She wanted him to stay ignorant of Team Rocket’s actions. His confusion turned into frustration and then rage. How dare she not tell him what was happening. The four people who had been the cause of Giovanni’s downfall were once again banning together. Dante couldn’t let that happen. For three years he had lived in despair and loneliness because of these four people. Because they had failed Giovanni, Dante had lost any chance at a normal childhood.

He made his decision right then and there. For three years he had hated Team Rocket and wanted to do something about it, but now the opportunity to annihilate them had been thrown on his lap. Dante hated the weak, and Team Rocket was weak. Proton, Petrel, Archer, and even Ariana Argento were all weak.

So Dante would have to destroy them all and get his revenge for the last three horrible years. It was all so simple.

Dante walked back into the Pokemon Center, a rare smile on his face. When he went to sleep that night, curled up on the sofa in the Center’s atrium, all Dante could think about was how he would finally get his reward for suffering all this time, and that he would do it all by himself.

END CHAPTER 12​

 

[alster08]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

Another great Chapter. I wonder what happens next. Cant wait til tommarow.

 

[Magmortar123]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

This chapter was a great mix of funny and dramatic. Loved the interactions(again) and I lol'd at the Johto Journeys reference. One mistake I found was that instead of her you put he. I would quote it, but I'm on my DSi right now.

 

[Kayi Rowling]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

Good Lord, I'm feeling so good right now :ksmile: A reference to my dearest and now definitely favorite Pokemon character Ariana! I'm ecstatic!

...oh, yes, and I liked the way the plot hit us on the face all of a sudden. I wasn't expecting that turn, but it seems a plausible explanation for the whole Slowpoke Tails fiasco.

Can't wait for the new chapter tomorrow! :XD2:

 

[Gama]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

I really liked this chapter! You made a few errors to do with accidentally changing tense and there was a stray apostrophe where there should not have been but the content was great!

I particularly liked this line:

This new information swam around inside Dante’s head. It confused him to no end. “Are you telling me,” he began slowly, “That the nut job who killed that Marowak in Lavender Town, the creepy guy who plays dress-up, and the man who lost the Sevii Islands to Red are trying to run the team?”

I'm guessing this is the awesome thing about Apollo you were saying? Well, even if it isn't it's pretty cool that he just killed a Marowak cos he's a nutjob, kind of reminds me of Captain Keamy from Lost. I don't know if you've ever watched it, if you haven't, save yourself the stress and don't. I particularly like 'the creepy guy who likes to play dress up', ahhh, I love Petrel, I think he's my favourite HGSS character.

 

[Falconwing]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

That's only part of the awesome idea I had.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

He had had no intention of sleeping, but when he jolted awake later on the pains had ebbed and the sun was slipping back behind the horizon. Dante has slept through the entire day.

Just two things here. I think you mean "when the pains had ebbed", and you switched from past tense to present tense with "Dante has slept through the entire day". That might have been on purpose, but I just wanted to point that out in case.

He may only be eleven years old, but he knew enough about the world to realize that unnatural orange light meant people.

Again, you've switched to present tense with the verb "may". Also again, I'm not sure if you did it on purpose.

it was a remote Pokemon center like the one near Pewter City.

I believe the "C" in Pokemon Center is capitalized; I'm actually not sure though.

“Are you telling me,” he began slowly, “That the nut job who killed that Marowak in Lavender Town, the creepy guy who plays dress-up, and the man who lost the Sevii Islands to Red are trying to run the team?”

I also love this sentence. I'm also eagerly awaiting the rest of the awesomeness of this Apollo plan.

Well, I was just checking the Writer's Workshop to see if there was anything new, and I find this. A rather pleasant surprise, magnified also because of the potential of another chapter... today. Oh yes. That's very nice.
I have no complaints here, besides the grammatical errors noted above (still a nitpick, sorry. )

 

[Falconwing]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

Nope, that's all very helpful.

And sadly Chapter 13 will not be out today. You'll have to wait till next week.

 

[Instrutilus]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

Since I made a banner for Rival's Story, I decided to make the psuedo-sequel one to match =P

 

[Vasili]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 11 IS UP)

“…whole new way to see. It’s a whole new place, with a brand new attitude…”

I love how you stopped there just before you might have broken the 4th wall.

 

[Food Lover Oz]

Re: Son of Earth- A Rival's Tale (CH. 12 IS UP)

I have to say that I really like your narration style, and you've done a great job with this story. I've read every chapter thus far; however, I don't think I'm going to read any more...

It's nothing against you or your writing, it's just... well, to be blunt, Dante's an asshole. I always want to root for the main character, but I'm finding myself wanting Dante to die. Horribly. I know that he's conflicted and messed up and will eventually get over being such a jerk, but I can't handle it.

In spite of my touchiness, though, I really do like what you've done with it and I can definitely appreciate the work you've put into it. Keep up the great work!