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- Jul 20, 2016
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- #21
Hey, thanks for these! Some good points, and I'm particularly glad that you liked Six. Though it was ultimately released in a state I'm more or less happy with, I was a little worried since it's the first one I've written entirely since coming back to the story. Perhaps that's why the tone/pacing feels a bit different in the last chapter and a half, but it seems that it was successful so I'll remain cautiously optimistic.
This is pretty much what I was going for, yeah. I don't feel like it's too much of a spoiler to tell you that hey, Alex isn't gonna stay idyllically kicking around Coumarine forever, and as he gets more accustomed to the region, those flashes of reality are naturally going to become more and more commonplace. The episode at the Showcase Theatre is basically set up as a 'hey, shit's gonna get rough' flag.
Ah, yep, that's a whoopsie. I always get those two mixed up, even in game.
I think this is just my curse when it comes to protagonists; Ren Goodwin is a bit like this as well. Probably not a good thing to persist all the way through, so I'll be focusing more on giving Alex some agency in coming chapters.
Glad they're believable, and glad the names weren't so on-the-nose that you groaned as soon as you saw them. I came back after a year and a half hiatus, remembered that I'd given them those names and thought "Really, me? X and Y? Really?"
As before, I'm still not sure how to approach this one to be perfectly honest. In a shorter fic, I'd be comfortable having some language barriers to overcome. In a proper epic of a fic, also I'd consider having Alex explicitly learning and improving his Kalosian as he goes along, going from a stumbling block to a non-issue over the course of his journey. As things stand, however, neither of those really slot in with the sort of fic I'm trying to write. I also feel like if he's going to have trouble, it would have come up already in the early chapters, so I may have to retcon a little bit.
One thing I did do, though, was deliberately give Alex a Kalosian-sounding surname (Thoreau) and mention that his family and the Vincents were close, so it wouldn't be too unrealistic to imagine that both families originally moved to Hoenn from Kalos, just at different times. That, along with spending so much with Veronique and her family, could explain his proficiency somewhat. It is a little up in the air right now, which I suppose echoes my usual lack of careful planning. I'll have to do some work on that in the future.
Regardless, again I'm grateful for your comments, particularly on Chapter Six, which, as I say, I was worried about.
It's been a while. I think I recall the pertinent points from the story, and in any case Chapter Five picks up after the Contest business.
Anyway. Overall I liked this chapter. If I remember correctly your previous chapters tended to ramble a bit. The pacing of Five was much more on point - bit of worldbuilding, a battle that went on as long as it needed to, etc. At first, I was going to criticise the continued idealised view of Kalos (I think I touched on this once before). But then I decided against it, on the basis that this is from Alex's point of view. It reminds me of retired British expats who rhapsodise about how much better Spanish life is, when all they really do is spend their days guzzling rioja and smugly shooting the breeze in pidgin Spanish with the locals. Alex is essentially on holiday here, not working because he has to.
This is pretty much what I was going for, yeah. I don't feel like it's too much of a spoiler to tell you that hey, Alex isn't gonna stay idyllically kicking around Coumarine forever, and as he gets more accustomed to the region, those flashes of reality are naturally going to become more and more commonplace. The episode at the Showcase Theatre is basically set up as a 'hey, shit's gonna get rough' flag.
Battle-wise, not a lot to say either way, funnily enough. I know to my cost that double battles are tricky (Though double battles with two trainers are harder still, alas). I didn't notice any obvious gaps in the battle where pokémon were just standing around doing nothing. One possible error though - did you intend Minun to use Reflect? The shield is blue and it defends against Fury Cutter, so I presume Light Screen is a typo.
Ah, yep, that's a whoopsie. I always get those two mixed up, even in game.
The story's shaping up to be an unusual one in terms of the perspective - in another story Alex would be a supporting character there to say wise things and not much else. In a sense that's what he's doing here, I suppose, since for most of the story he's not really been all that proactive.
I think this is just my curse when it comes to protagonists; Ren Goodwin is a bit like this as well. Probably not a good thing to persist all the way through, so I'll be focusing more on giving Alex some agency in coming chapters.
I'm pretty much sold on Xavier and Yvette - and I've just realised the significance of those initials, which is a good thing - insofar as their interactions are the kind of faintly annoying things couples do that make hanging out in a group of three tiresome.
Glad they're believable, and glad the names weren't so on-the-nose that you groaned as soon as you saw them. I came back after a year and a half hiatus, remembered that I'd given them those names and thought "Really, me? X and Y? Really?"
Coming back to the language issue - and this is a point that will probably come across as nitpicky - I forget how fluent Alex is supposed to be, but, bear in mind that casual chit-chat's a lot easier to translate than the kind of concepts that are coming up in the training talk. You can be tripped up by the oddest of things this way - idioms that are so common you forget they don't have an equivalent in another language, verbs that are used completely differently from the literal ... even cultural references that don't quite make sense out of context. Whether Alex is speaking Kalosian or Yvette English, the issue's going to come up either way. The best way to treat it, I think, is as an opportunity. The devil is in the detail, something this story's strong on, so there's nothing jarring about (For example) Alex having trouble explaining his point to Xavier.
As before, I'm still not sure how to approach this one to be perfectly honest. In a shorter fic, I'd be comfortable having some language barriers to overcome. In a proper epic of a fic, also I'd consider having Alex explicitly learning and improving his Kalosian as he goes along, going from a stumbling block to a non-issue over the course of his journey. As things stand, however, neither of those really slot in with the sort of fic I'm trying to write. I also feel like if he's going to have trouble, it would have come up already in the early chapters, so I may have to retcon a little bit.
One thing I did do, though, was deliberately give Alex a Kalosian-sounding surname (Thoreau) and mention that his family and the Vincents were close, so it wouldn't be too unrealistic to imagine that both families originally moved to Hoenn from Kalos, just at different times. That, along with spending so much with Veronique and her family, could explain his proficiency somewhat. It is a little up in the air right now, which I suppose echoes my usual lack of careful planning. I'll have to do some work on that in the future.
Regardless, again I'm grateful for your comments, particularly on Chapter Six, which, as I say, I was worried about.