COMPLETE: Survival Project (TEEN)

[diamondpearl876]

@kintsugi Thanks for the comments! A lot of it was repeated from your last review, yeah, but I hadn't quite heard anything negative about the lack of Team Rocket foreshadowing or how I got a little too flowery at times. There are a couple lines I felt were possibly out of place too... but I don't think anyone's really pointed any of them out, heh. Also glad to hear that Atis did eventually leave an impression on you.

 

[chaos_Leader]

So here we are at last.

I'm glad I caught up to the story when I did. I once heard this from someone a long time ago about story writing, can't quite remember who now that I try. Anyways, what they'd said at one point is that a good way to think about putting a story together was to start at the climax, and work your way out from there. I don't know if that's what you've done here, but in my reading up to this point and thinking back about the previous portion of the story, it feels like to me it was written climax-outward. The chapters dealing with Sai's return to Team Rocket and the related chapters were especially impactful, and for these latest chapters especially, it really brought the story together.

That being said, I do still stand by the major points I've brought up in earlier reviews for earlier parts of the story. I've seen it mentioned also that some more specific foreshadowing might be handy earlier in the story, and it could potentially help if it were done well. Having seen where the story goes now, I can also understand how letting such hints slip early could pose a challenge.

That's really my main qualm with the story now that we've gotten to this point. Otherwise, I like how it came together in the end.

Congratulations by the way!

 

[diamondpearl876]

SURVIVAL PROJECT
chapter 28 ; [KUIORA]
unanimous

*​

I thought about coming up with my own myths once upon a time, but I couldn't do it anymore, not after what I had seen. ...How would I have explained the entirety of Sai's life? What if I tried to describe it in a single sentence? Would I ever be able to tell his story with a straight face? I didn't think so. I was real. I was there when he started in New Bark Town. I was there when he jumped. I was there when he survived and tried to get better.

I connect with Sai's feeling the most when I wonder whether my life had been real or not. I remember how small I used to be. As a totodile, my fangs were less powerful, less pronounced. I couldn't hit hard with my water-type attacks, either. I was young and silly and I only thought of myself. Not anymore.

I looked at Gracie, the newest friend on the team. Gracie reminded me of the cyndaquil I used to know, the cyndaquil Sai could have picked. What if he hadn't chosen me? Would I ever have come this far? If only Professor Elm could have seen me grow...

At least I know that death is real. It was right in front of me the entire time and I didn't even know it. I'm sorry, Ezrem, for having told you otherwise. I'm also sorry to the gods above. Most of all, I'm sorry, Sai, for not believing in you when you needed it most. I deserved whatever punishment was coming to me. I've tried to compensate my losses, but to this day I don't know if it was enough.

Death among the living is real too. That's what Sai thought he was. He thought he was dead, but he wasn't. In the lab, he wasn't living at all, so it made sense. He waited patiently for something better. He waited patiently... for me and the rest of the team. Because of this I was trying to please him instead of the legendaries. How am I doing, Sai? How am I doing? I look at my body sometimes and wonder.

Love is a funny thing. Love tears itself apart and repairs itself so seamlessly, and really, I'm lucky it's this way, because otherwise I wouldn't have gotten a second chance. I've always loved you Sai... but if I had known about your sadness earlier, I would have loved you hard enough to take your heart and make it start.

So it goes, I suppose.

*

On both sides of the gym lay clusters of shining crystals. When we opened the door (which took some effort, given that it was made of steel), the crystals glimmered in the sunlight and temporarily blinded us. Sai mentioned something about a trap, but his paranoia settled as we moved further inside and saw that no one was there. All that greeted us were statues of a long, snake-like pokémon protruding from the ceiling. They hung above us, connecting in a way that made us feel as if we were under an arch.

“The steelix statues look like they're kissing,” Ezrem commented, flying up to them to get a closer look.

“Are they really touching?” Senori asked.

“Almost.”

“How adorable,” Gracie said. “This must be a steel-type gym.”

Soon we heard resounding footsteps and we became quiet. A young woman approached, her hands clasped together and held over her chest. She wore a white dress that went down to her knees and two orange ball-shaped clips in her auburn hair. Her smile was soft and her voice tender as she said, “Welcome to the Olivine City gym. Can I help you?”

“Well, we were just admiring the decorations... but I would like a gym battle, if that's all right with you,” Sai said sheepishly. “Or we can come back later if you want.”

“No, you're fine,” she said, shaking her head. “My name is Jasmine, and I would love to have a gym battle with you.”

“Really? I guess we're lucky. I didn't make an appointment or anything...”

“No need. Follow me,” she said, motioning for us to come. As we went to the battlefield, I noticed that the girl was walking barefoot. Were her feet used to being cold or something? I'd expect nothing less from a steel-type gym leader, though otherwise, she didn't look the part.

There weren't any statues or crystals on the battlefield. Everyone stopped except Ezrem, who flew past us and almost crashed into Jasmine.

“Sorry. I was busy thinking,” Ezrem said, though I could tell he was lying. He had that sarcastic edge in his voice that I was accustomed to.

Jasmine giggled, and he flew back toward us. More specifically, he passed by me and I could feel his face turn so that his beak brushed against my cheek.

“W-What was that?” I said, rubbing my cheek in case he had left a mark. Looking at my claws, however, I saw nothing.

“A good luck kiss... tap... thing,” Ezrem said. “Yes, I stole a kiss from you. For good luck. I know he'll ask you to battle.”

“What...?” I mumbled. Why was the kiss considered stealing when he had freely given it to me? Was he stealing anything from me, like my concentration on the battle? What a jerk. But I hadn't shied away, so it didn't seem like thievery. It seemed like he was only cheating the world from time itself. This was the kiss we didn't have time for, yet indulged in anyway. “Stupid bird. I'll battle and I won't be distracted by your stupidity!”

“You want to battle, Kuiora?” Sai asked, apparently not having noticed Ezrem's antics.

“Yeah, I do!”

“Wait. Atis, I have a question for you.”

“Y-Yes...?” Atis said.

“Is Kuiora a good type match-up for Jasmine? I mean, I sent Senori out against a ghost-type while you were gone, and that was pretty awful, so... I'm asking you.”

“Is that all...? Well, if Jasmine uses a steelix, Kuiora should be fine. Steelix are part ground-type, which is perfect for her water-type attacks,” Atis explained, nodding.

“Sounds good,” Sai said. “Otherwise I would've tried Gracie, so she could show off her skills if she wanted.”

“Gracie would be a good choice, too, but there's a disadvantage...”

“Ground-types are just as scary as water-types,” Gracie said. “Kuiora can fight.”

Rennio appeared behind the fire-type and said, “I totally agree. Though I think all pokémon are scary, so I'm not sure how much my opinion counts...”

Ezrem scoffed. Gracie glared at him and I knew she belonged on this team already. Everyone belonged on the team for some reason or another. I was sure of everyone else's role except my own. Was I the strongest? No, that was probably Atis, even if he didn't show it. I was the baby once, but Rennio had replaced me. It's not like I would have enjoyed that title, anyway. So where was I? I only knew that I leaned toward the extreme. I was always extremely eager, extremely angry or worried... but rarely somewhere in between. Perhaps it wasn't even about where I was in regards to the team, but rather it was about how the others complemented me and kept me balanced. I wanted to make it up to them and make them proud, so I stepped forward onto the battlefield to do what I had to do.

“Your hitmontop is very smart,” Jasmine said, bringing forth a plain pokéball. “I'll be using Steelix. Did the statues give it away?”

True to her word, a live steelix emerged from the light. The massive creature definitely beat me in terms of weight and height. Its head was large though it mostly consisted of its jaw alone, and its rock body trailed behind it, only interrupted by spikes sticking out from its sides. I thought that the pokémon was going to break through the roof of the building, but the building was taller than I expected.

I stood there. Would Sai try to give commands for once? I looked back at him and saw him talking to Atis eagerly.

“I'll help you,” Atis said, “but we've got to be quick.”

“I won't wait for you to come up with strategies,” Jasmine said. She pointed at me and said, “Steelix, headbutt!”

The steelix let out a ferocious battle cry as it brought the front half of its body backward. It lunged at me, and time seemed to stop. Because the snake took us the majority of the battlefield, it shouldn't have taken long for it to reach me. Nevertheless, it seemed to be moving in slow motion as Atis and Sai discussed their ideas.

“You should have Kuiora use her water-type attacks, yes. Physical attacks won't do much, no matter how powerful she is...” Atis blathered on, making sure the boy was listening.

“Hmph. So much for counting on my trainer,” I said. I wanted him to feel reliable and valid as a human being for once, but he wasn't doing a good job at commanding the battle.

Well, the steelix's attack was simple. A simple attack called for simple countermeasures. I pushed off the ground with my feet and jumped away from the steelix's headbutt attack.

“Sai, pay attention!” I cried as I landed. I placed my hands on my hips to show him I meant business.

“Sorry,” he said. “I thought it was just common sense to dodge.”

“A little support couldn't hurt...” Atis said.

“If you tell me to dodge, you'll feel like you're in control of the whole battle. And that's what you want, right?”

“If that would make me a proper trainer, yes.”

“Better do it, then!”

Sai sighed, probably exasperated by how much he still had to learn. He was lucky, at least, that I knew what to do in case he had trouble thinking on his feet.

“Use water gun!” he shouted.

I snickered at the poor steelix. Surely it would succumb to my water gun attack. I held my breath, feeling water swish and accumulate inside of me and up toward my mouth. The steelix stayed where it was, unfazed. I'd show him that he couldn't underestimate me and get away with it. A hefty stream of water shot out directly at it, and I grinned, because there simply wasn't enough room on the battlefield for it to dodge. But at the last second, the steelix raised its tail and slammed it down on the water, dispersing it in all directions.

“My steelix's tail can block any attack,” Jasmine said. “You won't be able to beat him so easily.”

“We'll see about that,” Sai said. “Kuiora, figure out a way to use your water gun attack effectivly!”

“That's not a command!” Atis said, covering his eyes in embarrassment.

I laughed, too happy over the fact that he was trying. And besides, he had the right idea. I had to break the steelix's defenses, and then I'd be fine. Atis had said not to use physical attacks, but... what if I tried to use a physical and a special attack at the same time?

I had to be fast or I wouldn't make it. I shot out another water gun and leapt from the ground. The steelix predictably lifted its tail, but it wasn't ready for me to dive straight at its tail with my body. I had hid myself underneath the water so it would take longer for him to see. And as I hoped for, I was faster than the stream of water itself. When the steelix saw me, it seemed surprised, but had nowhere to go. I swat his tail away with my own and fell down to the floor to make way for the real attack.

The water gun hit the steelix with full force, and my opponent struggled not to topple over. When the water dissipated, it seemed that I had finally made a dent, but not enough damage had been dealt. I scowled.

“Didn't you say this thing was a ground-type?”

“Yes... It must have high defensive skills...” Atis said.

“Obviously.”

“As the sixth leader in the gym circuit, I'm obligated to let my steelix fight at full power,” Jasmine said. She didn't look like a steel-type leader, but she was certainly starting to act like one. Her shy demeanor must have been a facade.

It made sense, though, for us to be having so much trouble. We only had three badges—or one, since we had lost some. If Jasmine was the sixth gym leader, then that meant we had messed up our route and we weren't supposed to be here. There were so many other things on our minds that we never considered whether or not we were doing the gym challenge wrong.

We had taken on stronger opponents, like Marty and Sai's mother... but those battles were desperate. This was not life or death, loss or gain... If we lost, then it would temporarily strike Sai's pride, but it wouldn't pull apart our team. If we won, then at most we'd have something to look back on fondly. Of course I aimed to win, but the outcome seemed bleak now.

“Steelix, use tail whip,” said Jasmine.

One hit from that tail and I'd be done for. I wasn't strong enough. My training had only done so much for me. My current body could only do so much for me. ...Was it time to evolve? I had felt the urge to change for some time now, but it didn't seem appropriate. The sitation called for attention on Sai, not me. But I was the center of the show and I could do whatever I wanted now. Could I evolve right here, right now? If only Sai could see me then...

The steelix lunged at me once more. Its speed told me that it was eager to get this over with.

“Kuiora, dodge it!” Sai cried. “It'll hurt you!”

And there was the command I wanted earlier. Thanks, Sai. You never cease to amaze me... but I don't want to move. I want to show you how strong I really am I want to show you that I belong on this team. If I have to evolve to do that, then I will. But what was the hesitation I was feeling? If I was going to evolve, I had to do it quick.

I remembered my last evolution. I had been in the middle of punching Sai as punishment for not acknowledging me. I had been frustrated, desperate and sad because I wanted too much attention for my own good. I didn't want that anymore. I wanted to be stronger not for myself, but for him. If it would always be a fault of mine, then so be it. Needless to say, though, evolving didn't bring back good memories. Sai punching me had been a grand moment, but now it was just a reminder of how childish I used to be. Similary, I didn't want to evolve now, then lose and have that failure hanging over my head too...

Being a croconaw had offered me some of the best days of my life. There was the look on Sai's face when the whole team decided to stay with him after the battle with Marty. I had been so excited to meet Ezrem and Rennio, even though I misjudged them as legendaries. I remembered traipsing around Goldenrod City with Atis.

I remembered some of the worst times, too, like Ezrem getting hurt, Rennio crying, Sai jumping... but all that had made me a better teammate. I realized my mistakes now. As a croconaw, I was as mentally strong as I perhaps would ever be. Did I want to ruin that? Did I want to ruin the form that made me who I am today? Not if I didn't have to.

And I didn't have to. I just had to fend off the steelix's attack and find a way to defeat it. If I lost, things could be fixed...

I ignored my trainer's pleas. The rest of the team yelled over to me, particularly Ezrem. Don't you know me by now, Ezrem? Then again, I thought I knew you, but I didn't. Perhaps we can get to know each other better after this. I'm not gonna give up here.

I put my arms in front of me, indicating that I would be protecting myself. But nothing could have prepared me for the inevitable impact. The steelix swept me off the ground, making it impossible to stop with force. I grabbed onto the steelix's cold tail and held onto it for dear life. I closed my eyes and waited for what would happen next.

The tip of the steelix's tail was sharp and packed a punch. It threw me into a wall and searing pain soared through me as the red scales on my back were embedded into the dented metal. It took all of my strength to keep holding on to the steelix's tail. The steelix's expression was hard to read, but it seemed angry when it flailed its tail in various directions in an effort to shake me off.

“Keep going, Steelix,” Jasmine said.

“Kuiora, what are you doing? Let go!” Sai said. His worry could be heard in his voice. He paced back and forth, wanting to help like any good trainer should. I'd have to make him forgive me later.

I waited for my chance, but as I crashed and crashed I started to think it would never come. So I had to act now.

I felt cold, cold enough to do what I had to. Normally I could perform this attack alone, but it wasn't anything I had practiced often. It wasn't as effective without the temperature drop, either. With the steelix's body pressed aganst my scales, I felt like ice. I felt invincible.

My jaw dropped as my teeth charged themselves with ice-type energy. I thought I was going to freeze to death, but I had to deal with it. The steelix stung its tail downward once more, and I dared myself not to look at the ground unless I lost my energy due to fear. Instead I bit the steel-type's tail as hard as I could. Finally the steelix showed a reaction as it roared and flailed its tail again. I let go and dropped to the floor, barely able to land on my own two feet.

All I could do was hope it had been enough.

I could've used my ice fang attack without taking such a risk. But since my body was colder than usual, the chances of the steelix's tail freezing were high. I smiled as icicles formed and hung from the entirety of the steelix's tail, embracing it and holding it in place. No matter how hard the steelix tried, his tail wouldn't budge.

Sai gaped at me. “That was quite the plan. I wish I had thought of it. But your job isn't done yet, is it?” I nodded and he said, “Use water gun.”

“Steelix, defend yourself!” Jasmine said, a hint of fear in her voice.

With the power I had left, I shot several streams of water directly at the steelix's face. The snake-like creature took a considerable amount of damage, as its tail remained immobile, and it breathed heavily. Even if I hadn't attacked, I could see that it was having its own internal battle.

Jasmine seemed to realize this as she said, “That's enough. I forfeit.”

Sai was surprised. “Why? I mean, we could keep going...”

“Sai! Gym leader's call...” Atis said quietly.

But the gym leader heard him. “Your hitmontop is right. Any trainer should know when to call out their pokémon,” she said, returning the hurt steelix to its pokéball.

“Oh... Do you think I should've pulled Kuiora out of there?”

“No. She had a plan. I... didn't have a plan. Steelix's tail is our ultimate weapon right now, but we're working on it.”

“The gym leader has a weakness?” Ezrem chimed in. “I never would have guessed.”

“Don't we all?” she said, unperturbed. “Sai's is his inablity to command his pokémon. I can't say I've ever seen a pokémon lead a gym battle before... Nevertheless, your croconaw impressed me greatly. You've done something right with raising her, and that's why you've earned this mineral badge,” she said, extending her hand and opening her palm to reveal a small, octagonal object.

Sai walked up to her, took the badge and grasped it in his own hand. “Thank you,” he said.

“Anything for a worthy challenger. Will you be heading to the next gym?”

“No... This was our last gym battle.”

At this, Jasmine frowned. “Oh, is that so?”

“Yes. We were thinking about staying in Olivine for a while.”

“I hope to see you again. For now, I need to go heal Steelix.”

“Of course. See you around...”

Jasmine smiled, turned and left. And as soon as she was gone, Ezrem had something to say.

“You know, Kuiora, there are three levels of stupid,” Ezrem said. I was having trouble walking, so he bent down and let me climb on his back as we turned to leave ourselves. “There’s the kind of stupid you do without thinking; there’s the kind of stupid that bites you in hindsight; and there’s the kind of stupid where you know it’s stupid and you decide to do it anyway. That move right there? That was a little bit of each one.”

“What are you talking about?” Gracie intervened. “That was a smart and inventive attack.”

“Yeah, let’s see you beat that giant snake with just those wings and that annoying beak of yours,” Senori quipped.

“Ezrem's just mad about his own type disadvantages," Rennio said, shaking his head.

“Please, guys,” I said weakly. “Don’t fight over me, okay?”

“Don’t worry… I’m a humble pokémon, really. I’m actually much greater than I think I am.”

“Why don’t we talk about something worth talking about?” Rennio said. “Like what we’re going to do now.”

“We’re staying in Olivine City, obviously,” I said quickly.

“We are?” Sai said. He walked alongside us, occasionally looking at me and asking me if I was all right. “We didn’t even have enough money to buy a shack for two nights.”

“If you didn’t spend money recklessly… we’d be just fine,” the furret commented. I swore I saw him wink at Sai.

“It’s not like we’d have to travel any longer, either,” Gracie added.

“Plus, I like the water. And we have a connection already,” I said.

“A connection?” Sai said.

“Um, hello? Jasmine?”

“Oh… Maybe. Is that really what we all want?”

“It seems like it,” Rennio said.

“We just want you to be happy, Sai,” Senori said softly, almost to the point where we couldn’t hear him.

“Come on. The sea, no traveling because everything's close by, money from gym battle, the actual gym badge, Jasmine. We’ve got it all. I bet she’d help you out since you beat her.”

“Must you put it so bluntly, Kuiora?” Ezrem said.

“Be nice to me. I just won a gym battle for you.”

“Ezrem is always nice to you,” Sai pointed out. “Anyway, if that’s what everyone wants… then that’s what everyone gets.”

The conversation continued, but I stopped listening. I had gotten the answer I
wanted, and now I couldn’t stop thinking about Sai’s words. Would he really be happy here? We weren't forcing him to settle down, right? It would be up to us to make his experience as easy and as pleasant as possible. This would be our last step in having him separate from his old home, his old memories… There was nothing better we could ask for.

And he had noticed how Ezrem was being nice. Had he also noticed that I was close to evolving? What would he have done if he was in my shoes? I had to ask. I broke into whatever conversation they were having and said, “Sai, what would you think of me as a feraligatr?”

“A feraligatr? I don’t even know what a feraligatr is.”

“My final form. Duh!”

“Oh. Right,” he said dumbly.

Of course. Sai hadn't been waiting for me to evolve during that battle. He had only been worrying about my well-being. He kept me on the team for being whatever I was, whether it be a totodile, a croconaw, or… He would probably accept me if I were any other species. Even a species that kept the team unbalanced and gave us more weaknesses… like another normal-type. He didn’t care. That was just the kind of trainer he was. His life thus far had led him to accept anything promising that came his way, but that didn't mean he didn't ask questions. My life lurked in between the spaces of his words, waiting to be discovered.

 

[diamondpearl876]

SURVIVAL PROJECT
chapter 29 ; [RENNIO]
finality

*​

We were in the middle of our first apartment soon enough.

After a week of extensively searching the city's open living spaces, Sai finally chose a place that he figured was suitable for us. The apartment complex lay just on the outskirts of town, near the gym (Jasmine had indeed helped us upon request). Just north was the route that led back to Ecruteak City, and all features of Olivine would require a bit of walking. This was perfect, Sai claimed, for both states of mind. When he was manic, he could burn off energy walking to wherever he was going. When he was depressed, he’d have to fight himself to get anywhere at all. We also promised to not let him wallow in his self-pity when those times came.

The place he chose was actually a series of buildings, all owned by the same company. We were asked to pay a deposit fee. Sai did so, though afterward he counted all his money over again to see if we had enough to stay for a while. I whispered in his ear, telling him not to worry because I would battle for him some more if I had to.

We were on the first floor, specifically requested by Sai. He didn’t want to be reminded of being high up, though three floors high wasn’t particularly high enough to hurt him should he have decided to jump again. No one pointed this out. We thought that if we had to protect him from potential burglars, we could do so easily—because that’s what pokémon with trainers do. Anyway, the room was fairly normal. Kitchen, couches, television, bathroom. Only two bedrooms—it was impossible to get a room for all of us. He promised that we could use the second room if we ever needed privacy and we just smiled, nodding our heads as if it really mattered...

Time passed at an unbelievable rate. Not only were we incredibly lucky to have found a home so quickly, a place we could relax at and help Sai at the same time, but also we were adapting nicely. Each one of us developed a daily routine that was impossible to break once started. Senori, loyal and faithful as ever, decided to stay home most days to be the sole protector. He would keep the place clean, would keep watch for any danger, would go out hunting for food when Sai didn’t have time to buy anything. He would be responsible for making sure Sai slept on a regular schedule. Jokingly, he said he’d also keep Ezrem from destroying the place with a huge gust of wind, but Ezrem wasn’t around much (thankfully, I thought at first). The bird pokémon spent much of his time in the northern route of the city, where a small forest-like area and several wild pokémon resided. He, too, kept watch over them, flying in the sky during the day (and sometimes even at night), looking for possible predators and performing good deeds that the pokémon couldn’t do themselves. It was his stable act of atonement, he told me once, and from that day on he became slightly tolerable to me. I haven’t entirely forgiven him yet, and I doubt I ever will.

Kuiora, in the beginning, didn’t want to hone her battling skills anymore. She was afraid she would have to evolve someday when she didn’t want to. Sai, however, convinced her otherwise, saying nothing would change if she evolved, nothing but her appearance, and he asked her to come with him to the Cianwood gym to train. She reluctantly agreed and went twice a month to practice with him. Eventually she said she was having growing pains, so she suspected that she'd have to give in soon enough.

As for Atis… Sai and Atis did even more together. The hitmontop probably spent the most time with him. He occasionally went to Cianwood to help Sai with type match-ups and commanding a battle. The gym leader himself, named Chuck, helped Sai physically, as the boy’s skinny, pale body left a lot to be desired. During the other days of the week, Sai worked part-time in Jasmine’s gym as the person who guarded the gym and led challengers in to the battleground. He also volunteered at Olivine City’s hospital in the psychiatric unit. This was a suggestion made by Atis, and Sai had been hesitant because he figured it would be triggering. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, though. He returned home on those days with new found information about himself, about his illness, about things he could do to help others. He mostly wanted to sign up as an organ donor. “The doctors can take anything they want, if someone will have me…” he said.

As for me and Gracie, we tried to do the best we could. She helped me get over my fear of death by fighting with me. Her being a fire-type was especially convenient and helpful, though frightening. I couldn’t have asked for a better new member for the team. She said she wanted to be productive with the rest of the team, and I felt the same way. We had one idea—but it was one I was skeptical of. I spent a long trying to gather up the courage to do it.

Yeah, time had passed. It was interesting, really, how certain events slowed down time and other events sped it up. Sitting in a Pokémon Center waiting room or in a hospital hindered our journey in more ways than one, for example. Battles hastened my life and made it feel shorter. Watching Sai jump had been an odd, encumbering mixture of both senses.

But that was in the past now. He made a vow to tell us whenever he was feeling down again. He was so open about his feelings that sometimes we had to ask him to stop talking, or else he'd just break our hearts. I thought he understood those kinds of requests, but I couldn't be too sure. He'd leave the the room and we'd find him either looking out the window or sitting at the edge of the sea, as if he was asking himself what part of himself would spill the secrets that were supposed to go with him to the grave.

I can tell you, Sai. It's the child within you, the one that still lives inside you despite your age, the one you'll be trying to make amends with for many years to come. I believe you can do it because I'm growing up too. It doesn't seem like it, but I am. Remember the first time you brought home groceries? You were so excited, you almost broke down the door. Everyone asked you what was wrong and you only paid attention to me, telling me to come to you because you had a surprise. You held out a red apple and explained that the clerk told you apples are definitely a pokémon's favorite. You took a bite out of it and handed the rest to me. “I'm feeding you,” you said. “I helped you start it. Now it's your turn.” You reminded me so much of Annie in that moment, but you're a person all your own. You have your quirks and you have silly stories to tell. You almost made melt with happiness, you know that? Well, I don't need to be fed anymore, and that's all right.

*

I had heard rumors. Supposedly the lighthouse on the southeast end of town was a home to many electric-type pokémon. I always wondered and hoped that there would be an elekid there for me to meet. Ezrem, during his one moment of truth, had told me there were elekid in Johto, after all. When I asked Jasmine, his words were confirmed, and my chest tightened considerably, so much so that I thought I'd never recover.

Jasmine's ampharos was in charge, while there were other trainers' pokémon that gave off electrical energy to keep the light glowing at night. Water-type pokémon trainers were present, too, to test their abilities. After I explained my situation to her, she encouraged me to talk to her when I was ready. At that point she would set up a meeting.

On the day of that meeting, Gracie agreed to come with me. I told her everything because she was a good listener. She was too good to me, really. I enjoyed her warmth, her kindness, and if all went as planned, maybe she could get something out of this as well.

“Maybe I can get over my fear of water with all those water-types there,” she said cheerfully. She seemed just as excited as I was somehow.

“Maybe,” I said. “Don't tell Kuiora, though, or she'll ask you to take her there every day.”

“I'll keep that in mind.”

We made idle chitchat like this, nonsensical and only half-witty, until we arrived at the lighthouse. Jasmine told us to meet her at the very top, so we moved along slowly, as if we didn't want the suspense to end. Step after step made me want to cling to Gracie and never let go because I know she wouldn't lie to me. She wasn't Ezrem. She wasn't the pokémon whose words still resounded in my ears.

At the top we saw no one. Gracie didn't seem disappointed, though. She saw that the middle of the room was enclosed by a brick wall that extended to the ceiling. She pushed me to the enclosure's entrance, and I tried to resist her, but then I saw Jasmine and I stopped. Jasmine smiled that pretty smile of hers and I knew she couldn't be tricking me.

“Jasmine?” I said, as if she was a ghost or a hologram that might vanish in an instant. Gracie made one final pushed and I stumbled into the gym leader. She laughed and picked me up, unafraid of being shocked. She must be used to this. She must be used to holding elekid. One must be here.

She twirled around, quiet as ever, and I saw them. Not just one elekid, but two. “Twins,” Jasmine said. “Born and raised in Johto by the daycare people.” I remembered them. It seemed so long ago. If only Ezrem's lies had been exposed then... but this was worth the wait. The elekid on the left had a red bow tied to her left spark plug, and the one on the right wore a blue wristband. Otherwise they were identical, and I could see why a trainer would have to separate them. All the same, I knew they were just like me. Just like me...

I tried to run to them, but I was in Jasmine's arms. I asked her if I could be let down. She obliged and my legs suddenly became clumsy. I tried not to seem too eager, but I was sure I was failing. I awkwardly asked them if I could hug them. I wouldn't have even minded getting electrocuted at this point. They nodded, grinning at me.

My life, up until that point, had been nothing but a long, long list of events that would have been made better, had there been another elekid at my side. I would be lying if I said I remembered everything on the list, but the majority was overwhelming and left me to wonder whether I could stop waiting. Was it strange to feel like every day before this one was a dream? This seemed like a dream, too, my arms wrapped around them, their cold skin against mine.

I wanted to know all about them. I wanted to know where they've been. I wanted to save them from their senseless fears. I wanted to watch them grow older. I wanted to show them what it meant to be broken and then whole again. I wanted to hold their hands. I wanted them to see me respond to the music that was their laughter.

Before I do any of this, I fear they’ll disappear.

Will they?

They were still in my arms. In that instant I gained two friends and my sanity. I gained this all in one breath. They told me that they knew my story, and that they were very sorry. They said that I was a good pokémon—untainted, despite everything. My way of showing gratitude was just breathing, in and out, and not disappearing on them as well.

When I finally came back to reality, I heard Jasmine talking to Gracie. She was telling the fire-type that we could stop by anytime. I could help out around here and see the elekid whenever I wanted. Gracie could help out the gym by brazing together metal statues ruined in the heat of battle. Gracie agreed.

“I've been listening, don't worry,” I said, releasing the two elekid. How long had we been standing there?

“You'll help out? Is that what you want?”

“Yeah!” I said. “We've been looking for things to do, and this seems okay. Now I wonder why I put this off for so long...”

“I can understand,” the female elekid says.

“It must've been hard...” the male elekid adds.

“It was,” I said, but in truth, the pain seemed long gone, thrown into another dimension.

I felt relieved and redeemed in the name of my evolution line.

*

I had decided, and maybe Ezrem had, too, but I won't dare ask. Sai's home was my home. Here in Olivine City, I was safe and secure. I had exactly what I wanted. I got along with the elekid just fine. We told each other funny stories and they even introduced me to other electric-types. I even offered to bring Ezrem with me so he could meet them and see how happy I was, but he declined gracefully. Yeah, Ezrem had lied to me... but he had also given me something to look forward to.

“I trust you're doing fine,” Ezrem said. “I always knew you'd be fine.”

“Did you?”

“Well, I at least knew I couldn't fool you forever.”

I told Sai, too, on a day where he didn't seem exhausted. That was how he came home most days, and he fell asleep without eating. Senori had to wake him up so he could get something in his stomach and gain more weight. Kuiora gave the team baths, but she was careful with Gracie and me. Atis spoke more and more, so much so that I thought I'd have to tell him to shut up too.

We stayed in our home, my plugs sparking to a nice, internal rhythm. I was a small creature, but I was up to Sai's knees by now and I could still fly on Ezrem's back without hurting him. I hoped one day to grow bigger, but I wasn't too concerned. No one was concerned about changing. We had done enough of that. Inside we all feel like nobility, special and lucky and completely right. It was like we were draped in gold, watching rainbows glitter at our feet. Here, my team could be anyone—and so could I.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Anddd this is it - the epilogue to the story that started as just a story, but then turned into so much more for me. Thanks, guys. It's been fun. Stick around for the sequel, which I'm hoping to release by December at the latest. I can't wait. :~)

SURVIVAL PROJECT

A soul mate is not the person
who makes you the happiest but the one who
makes you feel the most, who conducts your heart
to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling
with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in.
— Sierra DeMulder​

chapter 30 ; [ENSEMBLE]
epilogue

*
​

It's strange how the old die so agreeably while the young rot so disagreeably.

The old are—hopefully, usually—satisfied. They've accomplished their goals. They’ve raised enough money and love and happiness in their lives so that they can go and hold the hands of those they don’t even know. They live with ghosts as well and they don’t mind, because the thing about ghosts is that they can never leave too soon. They spend time together redrawing each other’s bones and blood in the most perfect way possible.

The young are more delicate. Unfulfilled and unhappy about it, they struggle to cling to life, to breathe. They will claw at each other just to get a chance at their own redemption. Never mind the idea that they all suffer from the same unfortunate fate. They just want to one up each other, at any costs. I don’t blame them. I would have done the same, but now…

Whenever death comes for me, I’ll be ready.

*

It’s just another bird. Just another bug. Just another fallen branch that made a crashing sound.

That’s what I used to say, anyway. Now they mean everything to me. I talk to them in the most spacious of voices, able to be interpreted in many different ways. No matter what, the outcome is the same. There is no fire except the one in my heart.

“If I said—listen for a moment, okay—if I said that I had a tiny little pidgey, one just like you, only wounded and ready to die within one more foodless day, and so it needed my care in order to survive, and it looked at me with its sad, sad eyes… Well, if I said that this was all I needed to be content, this poor creature that was useless without me, would you think of me as odd? If I said that I was definitely going to take a nest and move into the middle of nowhere—into these woods, essentially—would you think of me as odd yet again? If I told you that I intended to never be heard of again, that I would become a legend in the making, would you offer to come with me? I think you would. I think you really would.”

They don’t offer to come with me, but at least I make them think about it.

*

I’m thankful for many things I wasn’t thankful for before.

I’m thankful for the darkness which I can now defeat. I am thankful for a voice to tell my opinions with whenever I have the strength. I’m thankful for both sleepless nights and nights full of dreams, of nightmares. I’m thankful for a world that gives people and pokémon a variety of choices to pick from. Thanks, life, for the simple things and the complex things that make me think. Thanks, life, for providing my team with a sense of toleration for my wavering self. Thanks, life, both for the love that we all deserve, and for the kind of love that is given yet not asked for. I’m thankful. Really. Thanks for friends like the one I’ve been able to come across.

I’m thankful to be a pokémon that can still do humane, helpful things. I’m thankful to live up to my expectations as a fighting-type. Above all else, I’m thankful for Sai’s safety and willingness to become stronger, mentally and physically…

*

The story of this totodile, the story of this croconaw, and the story of the future feraligatr, is a story of naivety and aggression, eventual friendship and supreme strength. She started out as a baby—mature for her age—in the hands of a man who gave her the power and the enthusiasm she needed for success. She was passed on to another boy, one who would treat her with the kind of gentleness that comes from years of wishing and hoping for something great to happen. She went on a journey, hoping to meet a legendary pokémon in the midst of a fantastical myth in the making.

Legends, to me, are the best of history, retold and embellished until they shine. After years of waiting and searching, I’ve met a legend.

His name is Sai.

*

I like leaders. Real leaders. Not a wannabe who sweetens the day with complaints and false promises. People and pokémon need someone who is bruised and bleeding, healing and suffocating. They need someone with a temper, a sense of humor, someone who throws obscenities at the wind as if they were born to do so. People and pokémon need someone who can both raise their voice and listen with silent intensity.

Fake leaders sit and wait. Real leaders play the game of life, and they play it right. Real leaders love hard, dream endlessly and act with high ambitions. The real leader knows how to survive in the toughest of situations and watches as his comrades fall asleep so that he can reminisce on the day and think of ways to improve.

A real leader doesn’t hide from things he knows need validation, doesn’t lie when he says he will both live and die for you.

I’ll never let you down.

*

To the person who will take my heart when I die and the doctors see that I’m an organ donor—

Treat it nicely. It’s fragile. It has lists upon lists of views it wants to see, sounds it wants to hear. It doesn’t let you hold your breath for too long, lest you should die sooner than expected. It doesn’t contain as much blood as you would like it to. Your ribcage can never be small enough to hold it, so expand its consciousness, in and out, and your ribcage will be filled. Let your senses exhaust you to the brim, and follow the premonitions given to you—you’ll never regret it. Don’t let any other organ suffer from your musings and tears. Most nights, you’ll need to cross your arms and strap yourself down. Please don’t try to fix the extra red and black stitching on the surface. They were made by my pokémon in the midst of their honest curiosity. Blue eyes, messy black hair, skinny frame… The heart knows only those things, but it will accept you anyway. Know that I’m sorry. I tried my best for you. And remember to feel real.

Sincerely,
Sai Luart

​

 

[Flaze]

Okay, so after almost three months, I actually read the last two entries I needed to. Normally I'd give some long review where I talk about what I thought of the story as a whole, but I think I've talked about what I've liked about this story and how it changed compared to where it started for a long time ago, but what I'm excited about is to finally get to see the sequel that's been in the making since I first met you.

So all I'll say for now is, that even if this is something that was mostly already finished, congratulations and I hope that you keep working because you're a great writer, one of the best I know even.

 

[Misfit Angel]

I read a majority of this at some point, long ago... I'm sure there's a joke about dementia somewhere in here, but I remember so little of this story other than I enjoyed the ride. Time to hop on, give it another go and finally give my thoughts on it, now that I'm more comfortable with reviewing peoples' work.

Anyways, I said I'd get to this two weeks ago, almost three. It's time I made good on that promise.

Chapter 1: All or Nothing

...I remember less about this story than I thought. Nothing about this chapter rings a bell. I actually don't know what to make of it. I read it twice, just to make sure things clicked, and it helped a little bit... but I'm still kinda stumped on what to say. Hopefully my inane rambling works out in the end.

Plot
The plot of this chapter, I definitely understand. The details of the plot? Not quite so much. I'll try to explain as I touch on the characters.

Characters
Sai wants to start his journey, that much is obvious. We already get the hint that something is majorly wrong with this guy; he's in the middle of a forest, half naked and in ragged clothes, kicking the shit out of pokemon as if they're not capable of ripping him to ribbons instantly. He's one messed up monkey, and the writing does a good job of showing this, while still managing to portray him in a positive light, as just a weird kid.

Senori is who I'm really confused by. Maybe it was some of the wording. There's references to him being abandoned by his clan, yet I saw another where he sees himself as the leader of it?

But I wanted to be needed by the family I grew up with, the family that considered me a leader.

The confusing part about Senori is how dedicated he is to the clan that shunned him, yet still kept him close enough to practically enslave him to the duty as watchman. If I were him, I'd have been out of there in an instant. Yet that dedication disappears pretty quick once he realizes that Sai can understand him. I don't remember a lot about Senori's character and motivations (I think it's been close to three years since I read a lot of this?), and I'm sure there's something deeper to it, so I'll have to learn as I go again.

Style
I probably won't touch on this section much unless I find excerpts which particularly tickle me, but I'll say I'm digging the first person past tense. Comparing it to Love and Other Nightmares' present tense (which is still well written, don't get me wrong), this feels so much more natural. I guess I'm just used to past tense, since that's all I read as I was growing up. Anyways, you've got a firm grasp on both and I'll try not to gush too much about it~

Technical
I didn't notice any errors, but I admit I was paying less attention to that than I usually do. This is an old project, I doubt you want to agonize over typos and grammar mistakes. Unless you actually want me to point out things I find, I'll be skipping this section on future chapters I read.

Overall thoughts
Anyways! Evidently, I enjoyed this story the first time, as I believe I read the entire thing, or at least a majority of it. I still do. I'll be back for more at some point, though with how busy I'm kept these days, that might be awhile! ;P

 

[diamondpearl876]

I read a majority of this at some point, long ago... I'm sure there's a joke about dementia somewhere in here, but I remember so little of this story other than I enjoyed the ride. Time to hop on, give it another go and finally give my thoughts on it, now that I'm more comfortable with reviewing peoples' work.

Anyways, I said I'd get to this two weeks ago, almost three. It's time I made good on that promise.

It's fine, sometimes I don't even remember things from this fic. : ' ) I appreciate you giving it another go, though, and leaving comments along the way!

Characters

Sai wants to start his journey, that much is obvious. We already get the hint that something is majorly wrong with this guy; he's in the middle of a forest, half naked and in ragged clothes, kicking the shit out of pokemon as if they're not capable of ripping him to ribbons instantly. He's one messed up monkey, and the writing does a good job of showing this, while still managing to portray him in a positive light, as just a weird kid.

Good, 'cause Sai could've very easily been written poorly and in an offensive way. It was always a worry writing this...

Senori is who I'm really confused by. Maybe it was some of the wording. There's references to him being abandoned by his clan, yet I saw another where he sees himself as the leader of it?

The confusing part about Senori is how dedicated he is to the clan that shunned him, yet still kept him close enough to practically enslave him to the duty as watchman. If I were him, I'd have been out of there in an instant. Yet that dedication disappears pretty quick once he realizes that Sai can understand him. I don't remember a lot about Senori's character and motivations (I think it's been close to three years since I read a lot of this?), and I'm sure there's something deeper to it, so I'll have to learn as I go again.

This might clarify things: Senori's duty as watchman was self-imposed. He didn't have to stay and watch them, but he did, because he had nowhere else to go and still cared about them a lot. It also explains why Senori was quick to give his devotion to Sai, because Sai was someone who wanted loyalty and was willing to care for Senori in return (even if that care wasn't exactly obvious).

Style

I probably won't touch on this section much unless I find excerpts which particularly tickle me, but I'll say I'm digging the first person past tense. Comparing it to Love and Other Nightmares' present tense (which is still well written, don't get me wrong), this feels so much more natural. I guess I'm just used to past tense, since that's all I read as I was growing up. Anyways, you've got a firm grasp on both and I'll try not to gush too much about it~

Fair enough! I would be interested to hear your thoughts on my writing style here compared to LaON, as LaON's is far more representative of how I write now. To me, this is "old" writing, even if I did go back and polish up the language. I didn't do any heavy rewrites or anything, you know?

Overall thoughts

Anyways! Evidently, I enjoyed this story the first time, as I believe I read the entire thing, or at least a majority of it. I still do. I'll be back for more at some point, though with how busy I'm kept these days, that might be awhile! ;P

I'll be patient. Thanks for the comments!

 

[Misfit Angel]

Guess who's back, as promised!

Chapter 2: Suppression

Once upon a time...
Hmm. The first segment about the woman who left her husband left me thoroughly confused. It's an interesting tale, no doubt, and one I think I would enjoy reading if it were made into a mini-series of some sort. Or maybe this is referencing someone who appears later in the story and I'll get my answers; another thing I can't remember about this story. :/

A little personal quirk, feel free to discount it: I found myself a little dismayed by the fact that the narrative referred to the male and female characters as husband and wife, yet the male character is consistently referred to as "boy". I dunno, just a weird age thing for me, probably no big deal.

Characters

. . . he catered to my religious fantasies, my thirst for learning. . . . I simply wasn't like the others, who avoided sleep and exhausted themselves more than was necessary. It was all about balance and routine.

Already Kuiora is established as an interesting character. In just the second paragraph, I get the spiritualist warrior poet vibe from her, and I really dig that. She's got all the chances to grow up into a powerful and fierce Feraligatr... but nope, she'd rather work on her faith and intellect. I love characters that defy the stereotypes forced upon them.

Similarly, I loved the part about her observations of the sun being cruelly blind to the world that relies on it. I very specifically remember this from my own upbringing; I'd been indoctrinated into the Catholic faith and one of the first thoughts I had on my journey out of it was the sun and how something so impressively powerful just didn't care at all about the little rocks stuck in its orbit. It also made me question just how feasible it was that a being was powerful enough to create something this large and impressive yet still care about us. Point being, Kuiora's faith is unshakeable even with these thoughts. This is a very good way to set the scenery on her!

I vowed that someday I would make the sun care about me.

Maybe a little too unshakeable, though...

Detail

“Great. You'll be fine. You want something more than basic necessities, and the rest of the pokémon have yet to realize the same.

I really like this line out of Professor Elm for some reason. The subject of pokemon intelligence and how it grows with time is an oft-overlooked detail and one that's usually tossed aside for convenience. You might not focus on the subject a lot, but a line like this could not have hit the nail any hard or more accurately; these starters are young, probably in their infant or toddler stage. They might have a basic grasp of how human/pokemon interactions work, but that's all they know, I'm getting the feeling. Kuiora, though? She's past that point despite likely being the same age.

I had assumed humans were similar, and that 'Professor Elm' was a professional title. By the looks of things, we could be called something distinguishable! I was learning a lot already.

And yet this shows the level that Kuiora is at: still basic. Still a lot of room left to learn, yet she's miles ahead of her "classmates".

wait, I've figured it out, the finale of phantom project is kuiora blowing up the sun like some sort of mastermind bond villain

Later on, with Kuiora running around aimlessly after being let out of the lab, you've done a very good job of describing that childlike wonder of the world. I like.

Style/Technical

“I really like training...” one of the totodile stated, “but tackling makes my head hurt!”

I could relate, but I adjusted to the constant collisions and rough texture of the bark. Another totodile agreed and complained about how tired he was. During the next few turns, the totodile missed the tree entirely. The professor saw this, and instructed them to stop. They pouted and watched in dismay as everyone else continued practicing.

I sighed. Once again, the totodile had ruined my training. An ache like that came when you didn't pace yourself, but they couldn't grasp that concept. I would have told them what was on my mind, but they weren't willing to adapt.

Minor detail here, but I'm not sure who's been pulled to the sideline. Just the two complainers, or all of the Totodiles? I'm guessing all of them, since Kuiora is disappointed.

(When they were babies, they made the grass catch fire, but thankfully, they grew out of that.)

(There had been flowers in the backyard until the cyndaquil burned them. Professor Elm quit planting them. He had enough to take care of, and it was a waste of time.)

I'm actually a little unfamiliar with how parenthesis are handled since I see them so rarely. I imagine they're fine, but at the same time these two sentences would probably work without them?

“Why would he need me if he already had you?”

Missing word here, I've added it in bold.

Overall thoughts
Another fun read. Combined with the previous chapter, I'm kinda inspired to do my own take on your style: first person, from the perspective of the pokemon. Not only would it be an interesting shift in writing style for me, it'd give me a much easier way to explore my own pokemon characters, who are currently dreadfully flat. So, thanks not just for that, but for an entertaining start to an interesting story!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Guess who's back, as promised!

Chapter 2: Suppression

Once upon a time...
Hmm. The first segment about the woman who left her husband left me thoroughly confused. It's an interesting tale, no doubt, and one I think I would enjoy reading if it were made into a mini-series of some sort. Or maybe this is referencing someone who appears later in the story and I'll get my answers; another thing I can't remember about this story. :/

A little personal quirk, feel free to discount it: I found myself a little dismayed by the fact that the narrative referred to the male and female characters as husband and wife, yet the male character is consistently referred to as "boy". I dunno, just a weird age thing for me, probably no big deal.

Nah, they won't reappear. Kuiora just likes to tell tales. I'll admit that my first time writing this, I was just trying to be clever. I was, like, 15 or something. So don't want to heavily rewrite that section, but appears it could be polished a bit more. Noted! And interesting... I'm weird and call men older than me "boy" quite a bit. I can see how that'd be more awkward in writing, though.

Characters

Already Kuiora is established as an interesting character. In just the second paragraph, I get the spiritualist warrior poet vibe from her, and I really dig that. She's got all the chances to grow up into a powerful and fierce Feraligatr... but nope, she'd rather work on her faith and intellect. I love characters that defy the stereotypes forced upon them.

She does also wanna be pretty strong, and that wasn't the focus in this chapter, but it will be down the line. Out of the spiritual and the aggressive fighter sides of her, only one will stick while the other just turns out badly. DUN DUN DUNNN

Similarly, I loved the part about her observations of the sun being cruelly blind to the world that relies on it. I very specifically remember this from my own upbringing; I'd been indoctrinated into the Catholic faith and one of the first thoughts I had on my journey out of it was the sun and how something so impressively powerful just didn't care at all about the little rocks stuck in its orbit. It also made me question just how feasible it was that a being was powerful enough to create something this large and impressive yet still care about us. Point being, Kuiora's faith is unshakeable even with these thoughts. This is a very good way to set the scenery on her!

I'm woefully not very knowledgeable about religion to make confident references to real life religions, admittedly, so glad to hear the details I did put here worked.

I really like this line out of Professor Elm for some reason. The subject of pokemon intelligence and how it grows with time is an oft-overlooked detail and one that's usually tossed aside for convenience. You might not focus on the subject a lot, but a line like this could not have hit the nail any hard or more accurately; these starters are young, probably in their infant or toddler stage. They might have a basic grasp of how human/pokemon interactions work, but that's all they know, I'm getting the feeling. Kuiora, though? She's past that point despite likely being the same age.

I figure in a fic where Pokémon are pretty damn sentient but are still "owned" by humans, it can't really be ignored in good faith. It's more directly covered in Phantom Project, though, with the disparities between humans and Pokémon often just becoming an inconvenience in this fic.

And yet this shows the level that Kuiora is at: still basic. Still a lot of room left to learn, yet she's miles ahead of her "classmates".

KUIORA THE BASIC BITCH

Hey, if she didn't have a lot left to learn, what would I do with character development, right?

wait, I've figured it out, the finale of phantom project is kuiora blowing up the sun like some sort of mastermind bond villain

shhhh don't tell anyone

Style/Technical

Noted on these for when I edit, haha. I may have done polishing edits, but I still have a knack for being wordy and confusing. ^^; Thanks for pointing them out!

Overall thoughts

Another fun read. Combined with the previous chapter, I'm kinda inspired to do my own take on your style: first person, from the perspective of the pokemon. Not only would it be an interesting shift in writing style for me, it'd give me a much easier way to explore my own pokemon characters, who are currently dreadfully flat. So, thanks not just for that, but for an entertaining start to an interesting story!

I'd be down to read that! I don't think your Pokémon characters are flat, but I do think your writing style would adapt well to first person. And I like writing human POVs, too, but... well, I like to take advantage of "fanfic" as best I can.

Glad you're enjoying this so far!

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Hi, dp! I figure I owe you a good review, but I honestly want to read this enticing xenofiction anyway. While I was away you sure picked up a lot of accolades! Let's get started.

Style and technique aren't problems in the first chapter. The narration is decent, and the voice is consistent. I spotted several clauses I thought were a little awkward or over-engineered, and it's deeply introspective, but it's nothing to worry about and quite subjective besides. If I spot a recurring issue later, I'll bring it up, otherwise most of my comments are going to be about my enjoyment of the story rather than the quality of your craft. Nevertheless, I feel every so often as if the prose could do with a bit of a trim. Being concise is hardly the acme of storytelling, but I think it's important.

On to the story content itself!

There's an immediate and brilliant hook with the encounter between Senori and Sai. That opening line, the introspection about it, and the return to the simplicity of the line suggest an unusual story, a protagonist reflecting back on their past wearily, and a kind of despairing confusion at how avoidable (or unavoidable) such a fateful encounter was. I'm not even sure whether Senori regrets it or not.

The fight is excellent stuff, especially as one never sees humans fight pokémon. I really had a sense of how intimidating and overpowering a large intelligent biped would be to a creature like Senori. Their communication was odd at first, being unexpected and having the sentret be more articulate than the human in the encounter, but I got used to it soon enough. Still, I wonder how much that's going to be addressed, considering Senori doesn't seem to be permitted to demand their(?) freedom.

Sai's goals are intriguing. I'm not sure whether his confusion, Senori's being 'first' and need to stick to rules and right ways of doing things imply 'autism' or 'nuzlocke' more heavily. I'm getting vibes of both. It's fun to have a human 'trainer' who actually lacks key information. I'm used to trainers in fanfiction being experts on game mechanics, and this guy is refreshingly clueless about the normal player experience.

Senori is an interesting one. Introspective and thoughtful, to the point of mulling over lots of information about humans even during a crisis, and with serious self esteem problems. Just as it was odd to me that Senori is so articulate, it was odd to me that they(?) model the behaviour of others so meticulously. It's a degree of theory of mind I wouldn't expect from a magical meerkat. I wonder if that's a worldbuilding element that'll be addressed thoroughly.

I must say, I'm already invested in the relationship between these two, completely hopeless and yet intriguing as they both are. I like that Senori makes the deliberate choice to go with Sai because they recognise they won't receive any respect or affection from their clan, but they might from him. I look forward to reading more of this story, expect more reviews like this!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, dp! I figure I owe you a good review, but I honestly want to read this enticing xenofiction anyway. While I was away you sure picked up a lot of accolades! Let's get started.

Glad to hear you're on board for the read! I wouldn't want people forcing themselves to read my work, at any rate.

Style and technique aren't problems in the first chapter. The narration is decent, and the voice is consistent. I spotted several clauses I thought were a little awkward or over-engineered, and it's deeply introspective, but it's nothing to worry about and quite subjective besides. If I spot a recurring issue later, I'll bring it up, otherwise most of my comments are going to be about my enjoyment of the story rather than the quality of your craft. Nevertheless, I feel every so often as if the prose could do with a bit of a trim. Being concise is hardly the acme of storytelling, but I think it's important.

Yeah, things were even clunkier pre-edits, believe it or not. I still have a habit of being overly wordy and unnecessarily complicated when I write. I do have a beta now for my other fics, though, who doesn't care for Pokémon but is willing to solely focus on logical consistency haha. It works out.

There's an immediate and brilliant hook with the encounter between Senori and Sai. That opening line, the introspection about it, and the return to the simplicity of the line suggest an unusual story, a protagonist reflecting back on their past wearily, and a kind of despairing confusion at how avoidable (or unavoidable) such a fateful encounter was. I'm not even sure whether Senori regrets it or not.

I'm of the mindset that even the most wonderful and most appreciated things in life come with some regrets. Down the line I guess you'll see if Senori feels the same, heh.

The fight is excellent stuff, especially as one never sees humans fight pokémon. I really had a sense of how intimidating and overpowering a large intelligent biped would be to a creature like Senori. Their communication was odd at first, being unexpected and having the sentret be more articulate than the human in the encounter, but I got used to it soon enough. Still, I wonder how much that's going to be addressed, considering Senori doesn't seem to be permitted to demand their(?) freedom.

It'll be kind of a balance. Sai, for all his demands, doesn't actually have much interest in doing the training aspect of things (ie., commanding his 'mons in battle). Some 'mons on his team will react favorably. Others, not so much...

Glad you liked the fight, though! The scene's been made into kind of a meme among my readers (which is fine lol), but I'm not sure I've ever gotten comments on how the battle itself went before? Dunno, this fic's been out for several years at this point, heh. I remember a lot of focus on the weirdness of Sai and why he'd want to find a sentret in the middle of a forest, mostly.

Sai's goals are intriguing. I'm not sure whether his confusion, Senori's being 'first' and need to stick to rules and right ways of doing things imply 'autism' or 'nuzlocke' more heavily. I'm getting vibes of both. It's fun to have a human 'trainer' who actually lacks key information. I'm used to trainers in fanfiction being experts on game mechanics, and this guy is refreshingly clueless about the normal player experience.

...Yeah, comments like these. xD As I tell every reader, I'll be interested to see how your perception of Sai changes over time. It was definitely a treat to try to shake things up and have the 'mons seem more like the trainer than, well, the trainer himself.

Also, honestly never thought SP could be adapted from a Nuzlocke before, but I can't unsee it now. xD

Senori is an interesting one. Introspective and thoughtful, to the point of mulling over lots of information about humans even during a crisis, and with serious self esteem problems. Just as it was odd to me that Senori is so articulate, it was odd to me that they(?) model the behaviour of others so meticulously. It's a degree of theory of mind I wouldn't expect from a magical meerkat. I wonder if that's a worldbuilding element that'll be addressed thoroughly.

Senori's a he, to answer that quickly. Not entirely sure what you mean by model behavior, actually. I think you mean him being compliant to Sai's demands rather quickly? Anyway, Pokémon sentience is present throughout the entire fic, although it being addressed is only from a "well, shit, I'm a 'mon and I can't do this, how can I get around the problem" perspective. If you have any advice on how to portray them as actual creatures and not fully as humans, I'm all ears, since this is something I'm trying to remedy in the sequel.

I must say, I'm already invested in the relationship between these two, completely hopeless and yet intriguing as they both are. I like that Senori makes the deliberate choice to go with Sai because they recognise they won't receive any respect or affection from their clan, but they might from him. I look forward to reading more of this story, expect more reviews like this!

You sum them up pretty perfectly. As a heavily character-driven piece, trying to get my readers invested in them and care for them is/was definitely one of my goals, if not the most important goal. Thanks for the comments, and hope to see you back sometime!

 

[TRNatalie]

Sorry this review is so late!

Chapter 1:
Well, that's an interesting way of introducing the two leads and having them meet. Senori is a very complex character and I'm interested on seeing how Senori redeems himself. Sai, I'll save my thoughts on him in the overall portion.

I sank further and further into the mud, an everlasting reminder of what defeat really is. And I cried. I wailed.

My cry echoed and echoed and the lull that passed between the two of us broke my heart.

Poor Senori.

I thrust my paw forward, my fixation on the object never wavering. It rotated in the grass, then determinedly landed on the side with a single black dot on it. I didn't comprehend the results, but the boy reacted joyfully. “See? You're number one. There is no one else but you. Even if that pokémon from New Bark Town is supposed to be my first, it won't be.” He grabbed the object with delicacy, though it didn't appear breakable. “I'll keep it in my pocket so you'll always know, Senori. And so everyone else will know.

I like what you do with the dice. It provides some symbolism and creates a feeling that Sai can be trusted.

Chapter 2:
In this chapter we're introduced to Kuiora who is a very interesting character with her passions and desires. I'm excited to see how her story plays out.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved a boy. And when he died by her hands, she couldn't stop loving him.

Augh that story was so sad!

(There had been flowers in the backyard until the cyndaquil burned them. Professor Elm quit planting them. He had enough to take care of, and it was a waste of time.)

I'm just imagining him trying to replant flowers after the first few times with a bunch of tiny cyndaquil watching him. One of them sneezes and burns up the flowers just as he's finished. That's the day Professor Elm decides to stop planting them.
Also it was at the end of chapter 2 I realized that both Senori and Kuiora seem to refer to Sai as a past person.

Spoiler: Just in case

Don't tell me Sai dies!

Chapter 3:
I feel so bad for Senori. That backstory was brutal! By the end of this chapter, Senori was cemented as my favorite character.

He scared them down

*Scarfed?*

Overall:
The characters and their interactions with each other are the best part of this story. Senori and Kuiora are interesting and engaging characters and then there's Sai. He is such an intriguing character and you do an excellent job creating a sense of mystery about him. He's clearly different from the usual trainer and heavily guarded with his feelings yet you feel like you can trust him and you want to find out what he'll do next. I can't wait to see where you take his character and what his backstory is.

Spoiler: Prediction

I'm thinking Sai ran away from somewhere that had people who were abusive to him.

There's also some great worldbuilding, both fun and dark, that adds to what's been established or hinted at in canon.
Will be continuing to read this. Looking forward to it.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Chapter 1:
Well, that's an interesting way of introducing the two leads and having them meet. Senori is a very complex character and I'm interested on seeing how Senori redeems himself. Sai, I'll save my thoughts on him in the overall portion.

I like what you do with the dice. It provides some symbolism and creates a feeling that Sai can be trusted.

Glad you liked the opening! After all these years, it's probably one of the scenes that stands out most to me still from this fic, along with the dice motif.

I'm just imagining him trying to replant flowers after the first few times with a bunch of tiny cyndaquil watching him. One of them sneezes and burns up the flowers just as he's finished. That's the day Professor Elm decides to stop planting them.
Also it was at the end of chapter 2 I realized that both Senori and Kuiora seem to refer to Sai as a past person.

Spoiler: Just in case

Don't tell me Sai dies!

Oh my goshhh, that image is too adorable, haha.

And okay, I won't tell you if he does. ;P But yeah, this is a fic I don't like to spoil when possible, haha.

Chapter 3:

I feel so bad for Senori. That backstory was brutal! By the end of this chapter, Senori was cemented as my favorite character.

*Scarfed?*

Yay, Senori. <3 I love all of them equally (I'm biased tho), but I've still got a massive soft spot for Senori in particular.

Noted on the typo, thanks!

Overall:

The characters and their interactions with each other are the best part of this story. Senori and Kuiora are interesting and engaging characters and then there's Sai. He is such an intriguing character and you do an excellent job creating a sense of mystery about him. He's clearly different from the usual trainer and heavily guarded with his feelings yet you feel like you can trust him and you want to find out what he'll do next. I can't wait to see where you take his character and what his backstory is.

Spoiler: Prediction

I'm thinking Sai ran away from somewhere that had people who were abusive to him.

There's also some great worldbuilding, both fun and dark, that adds to what's been established or hinted at in canon.
Will be continuing to read this. Looking forward to it.

Thanks for the comments! And interesting prediction! Can't confirm or deny - or, well, I can, but it's better as a reader and an author, I think, to have things unfold naturally - but if you continue to read, I hope you'll let me know what you think!

 

[WanderingKalosan]

Hi, I have just finished Ch3 so I think it is a good time to comment.
Seeing how many chapters there are tho, please take everything I say with a pinch of salt. This is more like first impressions rather than full, serious review.

This one is clearly a character driven story - so it is good I like your characters And quite a colorful bunch they are, even though I only met three of them so far (a troubled lone wolf kid, a worldly skeptical Pokemon and a young naive energetic Pokemon)!
I normally dislike journeyfics; to me thiey are a cliche genre - unless the author puts some new spin on it or there is some twist to it (which is what you are doing by introducing us to a very unusual trainer and heavily implying there is much going on but we don't know what yet).

Senori is most fleshed out at this early point (although ironically I am not sure if they are male of female) - I like their background and their history with their clan. During the fleshback to what happened with sneasels and Senori's good-bye to their clan, I almost wanted to jump in their defense and punch the clan leader on Sanori's behalf. That is a good sign of course. It felt like something that could have happened, and sometimes it really takes such a small mistake to f*ck up and unintentionally cause harm. And when lives are lost nobody will of course care that "you are sorry," no matter how honest and tortured you are about it. Great job, it was really well written.

Sai is an interesting case (and I mean that before even considering his personality). He is the trainer character who is supposed to journey, catch and train Pokemon and get badges. Normally this is your protagonist. So far it looks like he is a supporting character (this might change later tho) and narrative focuses on his Pokemon instead. I like!
As for Sai's personality, there is not much to go on (yet), but he appears to be troubled guy on the brink of losing his sanity (either that, or he is very, very weird person). Looking forward to learn more about him, what happened and how it is going to shape their journey.

And finally Kuiora, I don't know much about her yet tho. So far she is likable - a young Pokemon who is excited to see the world, has lots of expectations but zero experience.

I also have a couple of nitpicks. Nothing important tbh, just me being confused about couple of points (which may be explained later):

1. Senori seems to know an awful lot about Pokemon journey - more than some humans. Is this intentional? I find it weird that a wild Pokemon (who has spent most of their life on Route 29 no less - might be wrong here tho) knows what a starter means, how to get one or even where to go from New Bark Town (when an actual kid and about-to-become a Pokemon trainer doesn't).

2. Sai was told by someone about training Pokemon and getting badges, yet they didn't explian the concept of a starter Pokemon to him? That seems a bit off, unless there is some sort of twist lurking to be revealed later.

Also I spotted two typos in Ch3:

Sai stared at me. Had I done too much by pointing out the obvios? There was a fine line between treating him as if he were stupid and trying to help him with new concepts.

...and now I feel bad for pointing it out since I am the king of typos myself <insert shame.gif here>

So far very enjoyable read! I will be back with a review after I read more chapters.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, I have just finished Ch3 so I think it is a good time to comment.
Seeing how many chapters there are tho, please take everything I say with a pinch of salt. This is more like first impressions rather than full, serious review.

This one is clearly a character driven story - so it is good I like your characters And quite a colorful bunch they are, even though I only met three of them so far (a troubled lone wolf kid, a worldly skeptical Pokemon and a young naive energetic Pokemon)!
I normally dislike journeyfics; to me thiey are a cliche genre - unless the author puts some new spin on it or there is some twist to it (which is what you are doing by introducing us to a very unusual trainer and heavily implying there is much going on but we don't know what yet).

I'm glad to hear you like the characters and journeyfic aspect! I'm obviously the most biased ever, but I do love this cast very much. <3 So I'm happy to hear when others do, too.

Senori is most fleshed out at this early point (although ironically I am not sure if they are male of female) - I like their background and their history with their clan. During the fleshback to what happened with sneasels and Senori's good-bye to their clan, I almost wanted to jump in their defense and punch the clan leader on Sanori's behalf. That is a good sign of course. It felt like something that could have happened, and sometimes it really takes such a small mistake to f*ck up and unintentionally cause harm. And when lives are lost nobody will of course care that "you are sorry," no matter how honest and tortured you are about it. Great job, it was really well written.

Lol, he's male. When I go back to fix typos and whatever, I may have a harder look into whether or not he's referred to as "he" by another 'mon's POV or by Sai somewhere. If not, I'll try to make it clearer.

Sai is an interesting case (and I mean that before even considering his personality). He is the trainer character who is supposed to journey, catch and train Pokemon and get badges. Normally this is your protagonist. So far it looks like he is a supporting character (this might change later tho) and narrative focuses on his Pokemon instead. I like!
As for Sai's personality, there is not much to go on (yet), but he appears to be troubled guy on the brink of losing his sanity (either that, or he is very, very weird person). Looking forward to learn more about him, what happened and how it is going to shape their journey.

I've wondered whether he's a supporting character or protagonist myself, honestly, along with everyone else. Mostly I just view the case as one big family that help bring out the best and worst in each other in different ways. Basically, they're all supporting characters in that way, but they all get the same amount of screen time/focus/development as any protagonist would. At any rate, I'll be interested to see what you think of him down the line!

And finally Kuiora, I don't know much about her yet tho. So far she is likable - a young Pokemon who is excited to see the world, has lots of expectations but zero experience.

I also have a couple of nitpicks. Nothing important tbh, just me being confused about couple of points (which may be explained later):

1. Senori seems to know an awful lot about Pokemon journey - more than some humans. Is this intentional? I find it weird that a wild Pokemon (who has spent most of their life on Route 29 no less - might be wrong here tho) knows what a starter means, how to get one or even where to go from New Bark Town (when an actual kid and about-to-become a Pokemon trainer doesn't).

It has a lot to do with him being observant and watching people/'mons outside the clan for threats. Since he's so close to New Bark Town, it seems reasonable he'd see a bunch of new trainers with chikorita/totodile/cyndaquil and overhear conversations about how it all works. He's also kinda old... which isn't implied until way later... so he's had plenty of time to do that.

2. Sai was told by someone about training Pokemon and getting badges, yet they didn't explian the concept of a starter Pokemon to him? That seems a bit off, unless there is some sort of twist lurking to be revealed later.

It'll be implied down the line indeed. I don't wanna risk spoiling for ya. xD

Also I spotted two typos in Ch3:

...and now I feel bad for pointing it out since I am the king of typos myself <insert shame.gif here>

So far very enjoyable read! I will be back with a review after I read more chapters.

No worries! I actually have a physical copy of this finished fic that my bird chewed up *shakes fist* and when I get a replacement, I'd like to fix all the typos in it and any glaring errors. Plus it's nice to do for any other future readers.

Thanks for the read 'n' reply! <3

 

[WanderingKalosan]

Ch4-8 review

This story is heavily character driven, with plot being sort of in the background (for now at least) so I will be reviewing this by characters rather by chapters.

So first - a new character, and one that catually reminds me of my high school days. Ch4 was a very unique read in that regard. I am refering to Atis‘ personality. He is very shy, lacks confidence, and yet when under pressure his inner strength shines through. There is also feeling of not being satisfied with his current life and wanting to do something more – which is used as a motivation to join Sai later on. So I might be biased here but I really like him

Kuiora is more fleshed out by now. She is a strange case – I strongly dislike people with that personality IRL, but it is fun to just read about the fictional version. She reminds me of this extrovert hyperactive kid from elementary school, who needs to prove to the world they are THE BEST! At math, at swimming, at dancing, at solving riddles... Hey! Why are rolling your eyes rn? Don’t you see how GREAT they are? You should give them your full attention, you! Heh heh.

Later, Kuiora takes this to the extreme by picking fights with everything that moves (Atis, gym Pokemon, offscreen wild Pokemon, Sai and even some folks/mons in Pokemon center iirc?) and of course going to the gym on her own in Ch8 – so very brave, as well as stupid and irresponsible. Which is of course perfectly in-character. I legit wonder what are you doing with her here – will her aggressive attitude play role later on, or is she going to undertake an arc that will change her into a different person? Or something else? I guess I will see later, eh?

Her evolution felt a bit forced and convenient to me. She wanted to prove her point, and she did! And right in front of her trainer as well as numerous witnesses! So lucky! I know you did a lot to justify it tho; all those mentiones of training day and night off screen, being most active of Sai’s Pokemon, etc. It still felt a bit odd. Maybe it is because she basically trained herself. Sai didn’t even used her in battle iirc (well maybe during the weeks in the cave incident)? So it kinda brings the question why does Kuiora even need a trainer (or any Pokemon in this universe for that matter), if they can do everything themselves? (This is more a conon setting problem than yours to be fair. Plot of gen5 even admits this by questioning why should Pokemon even be captured by humans)
Then again this might be done on purpose to play a role later in the story.

Speaking of Sai being punched in the face by Kuiora – he is the most enigmatic one of this cast. Pretty sure this is intentional, because him being the only one whose origin isn’t revealed and barely touched on makes it the main driving question/hook right now. Just what is this guy’s deal, why is he doing this and what happened to him? You want to know so your read more. Well that and some lovely and funny interaction between these characters
He seems to suffer from mood swings and emotional/anger issues (poor Atis), he doesn’t know how to treat other people (the girl who invited him to dinner) or Pokemon (the cave incident with Senori) very well. He seems to have good intentions tho, hejust doesn’t give good first impressions. And sometimes he randomly does something that really makes no sense, even if common sense was the only thing required (catching Magikarps, buying three phones at once). I wonder if he escaped from mental institution, or if he was confined/held prisoner or maybe cut off from civilisation/company of people for some time to be in this mental state.
I am definitely curious as to where you take it!

Also, the cave where ceiling keeps collapsing every now and then... uh why is that place not sealed off for public? Why are children allowed there to be potentially randomly killed? O__o
I get you needed exciting adventurous place for dramatic moment with Senori (and consequently an argument/confrontaion for Sai with another trainer) but that seemed a bit much. Especially since they have spend three weeks there? No water/food and chunks of rock falling on your head? For three weeks? Boy, Johto kids are made of iron!
(I loved the exchange between Sai and the other boy tho. Sai kinda deserved to be called out on his attitude and needed a bit of food for thought)

On a side note (and this is really minor thing) I have been imagining Sai as a hobo until his first visit and a shower in Pokemon center (and buying a backpack and new clothes soon after ). I mean, he has been out in the wild, having just one outfit and sleeping outside for days... I can only imagine how he looked (and smelled) when prof. Elm greeted him and gave away Kuiora. Amazingly open minded and tolerant of you, professor!

I have much less to say about Senori this time around. His origins in early chapters were pretty tense and angsty (for a good reason), so compared to that the current events are nothing special. He really does feel like he is moving on with his life, embracing his new „clan“ – he is most knowledgable of the group, most emotionally balanced, often serves as a mediator in the conflict or uneasy situations. In the Slowpoke Well, he resolved the potentially weird/tense situation like a brilliant diplomat or a politician („We will figure out what to do with those Magikarps later“ – which dismisses any other questions and turns potential „Why“ into a pointless query ...as well as helps moving on). I still wonder what makes him so special to Sai tho – looking forward to finding out why!

In general, I really like how diverse your cast is personality-wise and how you manage to make them sound natural and in-character (that is pretty challenging task when switching POV around). Great work @diamondpearl876 !

 

[diamondpearl876]

Ch4-8 review

This story is heavily character driven, with plot being sort of in the background (for now at least) so I will be reviewing this by characters rather by chapters.

So first - a new character, and one that catually reminds me of my high school days. Ch4 was a very unique read in that regard. I am refering to Atis‘ personality. He is very shy, lacks confidence, and yet when under pressure his inner strength shines through. There is also feeling of not being satisfied with his current life and wanting to do something more – which is used as a motivation to join Sai later on. So I might be biased here but I really like him

Sorry for the late reply! As you know, real life's been busy busy. Anyway, positive bias for characters usually means relatable, so hey, that's a-okay with me. xD You hit the nail on the head with that character description, as usual!

Kuiora

is more fleshed out by now. She is a strange case – I strongly dislike people with that personality IRL, but it is fun to just read about the fictional version. She reminds me of this extrovert hyperactive kid from elementary school, who needs to prove to the world they are THE BEST! At math, at swimming, at dancing, at solving riddles... Hey! Why are rolling your eyes rn? Don’t you see how GREAT they are? You should give them your full attention, you! Heh heh.

Later, Kuiora takes this to the extreme by picking fights with everything that moves (Atis, gym Pokemon, offscreen wild Pokemon, Sai and even some folks/mons in Pokemon center iirc?) and of course going to the gym on her own in Ch8 – so very brave, as well as stupid and irresponsible. Which is of course perfectly in-character. I legit wonder what are you doing with her here – will her aggressive attitude play role later on, or is she going to undertake an arc that will change her into a different person? Or something else? I guess I will see later, eh?

I guess you'll see indeed! I see this type of personality as very... selfish, and in a story that kinda focuses on character interactions along with individual character personalities, she may or may not realize how her recklessness hurts others.

Her evolution felt a bit forced and convenient to me. She wanted to prove her point, and she did! And right in front of her trainer as well as numerous witnesses! So lucky! I know you did a lot to justify it tho; all those mentiones of training day and night off screen, being most active of Sai’s Pokemon, etc. It still felt a bit odd. Maybe it is because she basically trained herself. Sai didn’t even used her in battle iirc (well maybe during the weeks in the cave incident)? So it kinda brings the question why does Kuiora even need a trainer (or any Pokemon in this universe for that matter), if they can do everything themselves? (This is more a conon setting problem than yours to be fair. Plot of gen5 even admits this by questioning why should Pokemon even be captured by humans)
Then again this might be done on purpose to play a role later in the story.

Understandable! This scene's gotten a lot of mixed reactions over the years. Why does she or any other 'mon need a trainer? In reality, it's not really a need, but in her mind, it is, because she wants to prove herself. What's the point of getting better if no one knows just how good she gets?

Speaking of Sai being punched in the face by Kuiora – he is the most enigmatic one of this cast. Pretty sure this is intentional, because him being the only one whose origin isn’t revealed and barely touched on makes it the main driving question/hook right now. Just what is this guy’s deal, why is he doing this and what happened to him? You want to know so your read more. Well that and some lovely and funny interaction between these characters
He seems to suffer from mood swings and emotional/anger issues (poor Atis), he doesn’t know how to treat other people (the girl who invited him to dinner) or Pokemon (the cave incident with Senori) very well. He seems to have good intentions tho, hejust doesn’t give good first impressions. And sometimes he randomly does something that really makes no sense, even if common sense was the only thing required (catching Magikarps, buying three phones at once). I wonder if he escaped from mental institution, or if he was confined/held prisoner or maybe cut off from civilisation/company of people for some time to be in this mental state.
I am definitely curious as to where you take it!

Yep, yep, this also hits the nail on the head, re: his personality traits. And first impressions are damn important and hard to fight against, so he'll keep struggling to show those good intentions. I don't wanna spoil anything regarding his backstory. o:

Also, the cave where ceiling keeps collapsing every now and then... uh why is that place not sealed off for public? Why are children allowed there to be potentially randomly killed? O__o
I get you needed exciting adventurous place for dramatic moment with Senori (and consequently an argument/confrontaion for Sai with another trainer) but that seemed a bit much. Especially since they have spend three weeks there? No water/food and chunks of rock falling on your head? For three weeks? Boy, Johto kids are made of iron!
(I loved the exchange between Sai and the other boy tho. Sai kinda deserved to be called out on his attitude and needed a bit of food for thought)

If it matters, Sai isn't a kid. He's around 16 or 17. Either way, I feel that kinda ties in with the whole "why are kids allowed on journeys at all" idea, and I'd change this scene a lot personally as well if I re-visited it, by putting Senori in some other kind of danger that's more sensible in-story. I'd argue that trainer route maintenance is likely not a thing that's properly taken care of, because it's very easy to ignore these sorts of things even in real life until someone's reported to be hurt, but yeah, the way it's written just kinda has it coming out of left field. I'm glad you liked the exchange with Marty, at least!

On a side note (and this is really minor thing) I have been imagining Sai as a hobo until his first visit and a shower in Pokemon center (and buying a backpack and new clothes soon after ). I mean, he has been out in the wild, having just one outfit and sleeping outside for days... I can only imagine how he looked (and smelled) when prof. Elm greeted him and gave away Kuiora. Amazingly open minded and tolerant of you, professor!

Lol, oops. Minor indeed, but also easy to slip a reference of him visiting a Center before meeting Senori somewhere.

I have much less to say about Senori this time around. His origins in early chapters were pretty tense and angsty (for a good reason), so compared to that the current events are nothing special. He really does feel like he is moving on with his life, embracing his new „clan“ – he is most knowledgable of the group, most emotionally balanced, often serves as a mediator in the conflict or uneasy situations. In the Slowpoke Well, he resolved the potentially weird/tense situation like a brilliant diplomat or a politician („We will figure out what to do with those Magikarps later“ – which dismisses any other questions and turns potential „Why“ into a pointless query ...as well as helps moving on). I still wonder what makes him so special to Sai tho – looking forward to finding out why!

In general, I really like how diverse your cast is personality-wise and how you manage to make them sound natural and in-character (that is pretty challenging task when switching POV around). Great work @diamondpearl876 !

Thanks a ton! Senori's faster paced development is meant to reflect how he's sort of a leader to the team. Arguably, he's the trainer, not Sai. Anyway, looking forward to more of your thoughts if you continue reading!

 

[Torchic W. Pip]

I was recommended this fic through a mutual friend, so let’s check it out!

I never saw him coming.

Am I allowed to make a Persona 5 reference if I’ve never played the game

Every aspect of my life has been opposed by a larger, impenetrable force. Fate was trying to show me how things fall somewhere between completely right and completely wrong. I never questioned this, not until that time, when I thought that I should have felt his presence or smelled him or seen him. He still would have attacked. He still would have taken and given... everything. The situation would have made some sort of sense if I had anticipated something, anything.

And yet—

I never saw him coming.

Sometimes (well, a lot as I’ve realized) I come upon a part that I like so much that words fail, and all I can say is “good stuff”. So… good stuff.

He shouldn't have given me a second chance, but he did. I didn't take it. His fist collided with my stomach. My knees buckled and my vision went askew. The forest bed was my friend once more. How could a human have this much power?

Jeezers If you don’t have a Pokémon to fight Pokémon, guess you have to do it yourself.

“I don't care what anyone's called you. Your name is Senori,” he said, his gaze focused on me once more.

Now I want to know Senori’s real name 0-0

“It's a standard six-sided die. Roll it.”

Heck yeah, gotta love dice/gambling motifs

It rotated in the grass, then determinedly landed on the side with a single black dot on it. I didn't comprehend the results, but the boy reacted joyfully. “See? You're number one. There is no one else but you. Even if that pokémon from New Bark Town is supposed to be my first, it won't be.”

…Did Sai have a monologue for every possible outcome, or is he just really lucky? Either way, mad respect.

Interesting story so far. We’ve got a journey fic that’s unconventional in every way: not starting with a starter, trainer and mon meeting through less than ideal ways, trainer and mon with issues abound, a mon perspective… Along with the relatively short chapter length, I think this is a fic I’m interested in reading the whole way through. Good stuff.