The Green Chronicles: The Quest for Mesos (5)

[Flaze]

*actually paints a picture*

There, see

 

[AceTrainer14]

This is for the Review Game:

This is certainly a very interesting story. There is a lot of interesting worldbuilding going on, definitely a very unique take on Kanto I was not expecting when I started reading. I like all these little things like the mines in Saffron and the theives at the train station, and there seems to be a very large world that you have only scratched the surface of so far.

Lucas makes a fine lead, with clear motivations and goals and hints of a backstory; I can't say I like him, but I think he makes a good lead and I could enjoy him more once the story carries on. He and Victoria have a nice relationship, and I liked how you maintained some of Gary's old characteristics, though I am very intrigued by how he has ended up in this state and what happened to the other familiar faces. The anime aspects made for a nice surprise and I can't wait to see what happens with all of that.

I don't like to be fully positive, as I dont think showering people with praise helps anyone, but there is not a lot to complain about at the moment. I think the biggest thing you can work on would be perhaps bringing in all these elements, such as the whole anime past, the strange hospital and the Mesos/Shell divide: I am interested to know what is going on here, and though I understand not revealing everything so early, a few more hints would be appreciated to really grasp the story (Also the large font bothers me, but thats just me ) Other than that, these are some fine opening chapters, establishing a definitive world in a short space that I could never dream of achieving, so good work on that count. I say keep up the good work; maybe work on softening Lucas up (I suspect meeting people/getting some friends would help with that) and bringing those other bits in (so far, the whole hospital opening seems very out of place with the four chapters that follow), but things are working swell at the moment.

 

[Legacy]

You guys are too kind. I'm honestly not being modest when I say that I've seen a good number of fics around here that I would consider stronger and better written than mine. But I appreciate it, homies!

And thanks for the review Ace! I agree, I need to focus on developing Lucas a bit as well as moving the plot along and giving readers some answers. Thanks again!

 

[SerenaKetchum]

There are lots of good fics around here, but you are right there with them IMHO! I really am excited to see Lucas grow as a character and to learn more about Mesos.

 

[Legacy]

Thanks Mrs. Ketchum! Yup, that is something I am being mindful of.

 

[Persephone]

Well, I try to return reviews. Even if it takes... a month or so. I tend to start reviews with summary to gain thoughts. You should already know most of it. Then I'll move onto actual review stuff.

Anyway, as it's been pointed out Crapsack World/Hunger Games aren't entirely unheard of. I wrote Nuzlocke fics almost exclusively for a while so I am particularly familiar with the genera. But this is a bit different in its focus. Ordinary examples of this genera usually focus upon the kid trying to battle the gyms/whatever to get out of poverty, even though it's an 'impossible' trap that for some reason no protagonist ever fails outside of the fic getting abandoned. In this one the main character genuinely knows that he's got no chance and is trying to find a different way out. Ignoring the whole "story by a writer about a writer" thing that gets done to death (even if it's less common in fiction), this is still a rather original take on the genera. And then Lucas being mutated/experimented upon by strange people in a hospital is also intriguing, especially since it happened without his knowledge. In other words, you find ways to differentiate the story from the usual tropes of the genera.

It is worth noting here that you favorably differentiate it.

The story takes a little bit of time to set up, but not terribly long. I would guess at the current pace the first "gym" trial will be in about five to seven chapters and obligatory travel companions were introduced this chapter to formally join the group next time. So, it's a little slower than normal, but not terribly so. Since there are presumably only four trials, and those do not necessarily have to be defeated, it's good that you're taking advantage of the shorter required length to set some things up.

The prologue itself was also masterful. I'm a fan of (somewhat) early and thematically disjointed prologues, and that was great. Even the usual "protagonist can't die" thing can be negated in prologues because of the possibility that it's just setting up the plot, so horror works particularly well there.

If I have a problem with this story, it's probably that Chapter 4 was really short. I'm fine with letters in stories, especially third person stories. But making a chapter that's just a moderately long letter was... kind of jarring. I got to the end and had to wonder whether that was really the end of the content. But Chapter 5's pacing and length were almost perfect, making up for it by quite a bit.

tl;dr

It's a very interesting setup that I want to follow. Granted, it's really only setup at this point, but the fic can afford a slower start due to its nature. And it's hardly the boring type of slow.

 

[Legacy]

Thanks, Rediamond! I appreciate the feedback, especially from a writer of your caliber.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I'd rather get my judging reviews out of the way sooner rather than later, so I'll start with an easy one. I don't want to just copypasta in my judging notes, so you'll notice I've added in an extra set of comments by way of constructive criticism

Plot
The plot of The Green Chronicles is well thought out and generally nicely paced. It is as much a journey fic as it is a dark fic, and in this regard we have an innovative and believable premise in Lucas' dream of winning a better life for himself and his sister. There's obviously a lot of thought in the explanation for how Lucas starts out, which cleverly doubles as a way of developing family relationships and world building.

The one big problem with the plot so far is the disconnect between the main story and the prologue. As of Chapter Five there are possible hints of the effects of the prologue on the main plot, but most of them I only caught on the second read-through.

Setting
An uncommonly thoughtful take on Kanto, and a good take on the concept of a future Kanto. So far the internal logic of the economic state of Kanto holds up. The dark elements of the setting skirt well on the right side of melodrama. As far as the description of the world is concerned, it could do with more fleshing out. Outside of the prologue the locations Lucas visits don't get much beyond bare bones scene setting.

Characterisation
The best characterisation in this story comes from the supporting characters. Both Victoria and Gary get a lot of strong character building in a relatively short period of time. Both have a lot of emotion in their dialogue, particularly Victoria during the goodbye scene. Lucas as a protagonist is likeable and believable, but his narration is lacking in emotional punch.

Style
Smooth as silk. An excellent use of English is shown throughout, and a good grasp on how to change the tone between horror and sweetness in the switch between the prologue and Chapter One. Aside from Lucas's narrative problems, there's nothing to fault here.

Technical
Almost flawless. I spotted one spelling mistake, a couple of punctuation errors and one questionable world choice but that's it.

Final Thoughts
For my final thoughts, this is a very well-written and thought out story. The problems, though they are there, are individually small and do not significantly detract from the quality of the story. The prologue is the biggest of these small problems – the significance of the prologue is too subtly hidden within the body of the main story, and the very sharp genre shift feels rather jarring.

Constructive Criticism
Obviously, the prologue proved a sticking point for me. I should stress, though, that as a judge I had to read and judge what was there, not what I expected to happen in the future. As a reader I have more patience than all that, and I am willing to see where the story goes in relation to the prologue. As far as the setting is concerned, it feels like I'm forever commenting on sparse description and I'm willing to admit that maybe I like it a bit too much! This is coming from a guy who doesn't get bored reading the first ten chapters of The Fellowship of the Ring, so take my comments on that as you like.

Nevertheless, a lot of the worldbuilding you do is spot on. Avoiding infodumping on politics is one big trap you've leapt, and a good thing too - trying to grandstand about political theorising is one great way to kill a setting like this. Your supporting characters (More of Vicky in a sec) are good and strong, and I think it's fair to say that Gary Oak almost deserves more screen time. Anyway, about Victoria -



Depth
There's a lot of development for Victoria in a very short section of text. A lot of her character and background are quite cleverly hinted at rather than outright stated through the course of the narrative. Her short screen time restricts how much development can be reasonably done, but what is there works very well.

Originality
A good twist on the mother figure archetype, Victoria's place in the story is something I haven't seen before.

Entertainment Value
Victoria is one half of one of the best written emotional moments in the story. Her dialogue is pitched just right and not only feels sweet but very real as well.

Contribution to Plot
Despite her short screen time, Victoria's contribution to the plot is crucial. She provides the warm heart of the story and the extra little push to move both the reader and Lucas onto the quest. Her presence off-screen as the mother figure back home provides chances for reflection and recap in the narrative.

Final Thoughts
As a supporting character Victoria fills her role very well. Her own backstory and character are hinted at rather than outright stated, but this apparent lack of depth I feel is wholly appropriate to her role.

Constructive Criticism
There's little I can say that I haven't already implied above. As a supporting character, there is little to fault. She doesn't have much of her own story, but she doesn't need to. It's the character that matters, and in that regard it felt real to me so I bought the interactions with Lucas. I felt myself wanting them to almost be a bit more affectionate with each other, and that's a mark of a well-pitched sibling relationship, in my opinion. Which brings me on to -



Depth
Lucas has a fair bit of development of his character in terms of backstory already, considering how the economics of the Shell have affected him and his life. There is a sense that Lucas has been shaped by these experiences. His relationship with his sister and his attitude towards journalism go some way towards showing his personality as of today, but otherwise in terms of his personality Lucas feels fairly generic as a protagonist.

Originality
A difficult category to score. Lucas' personality can't be called terribly original. His motivations for taking on the pseudo-Gym quest are unusual and well-thought out, but I'm reluctant to ascribe too much credit in that to characterisation as it's as much a product of world-building

Entertainment Value
Lucas isn't irritating and I'm happy to keep travelling around in his head as the plot continues, however I can't say that I'm especially rooting for him.

Contribution to Plot
The story is Lucas' story, and he actively drives the plot with his own actions.

Final Thoughts
Lucas as a protagonist can be summed up as a perfectly servicable but not exceptional character. The strongest moments come from his interactions with his relatives, but outside of those interactions a lot of the punch of his emotional reactions are lost and his narrative feels flat as a result.

Constructive Criticism
In hindsight I'm reluctant to be too harsh regarding originality. The generic protagonist is a concept that I'm not sure should matter all that much - hell, it's a criticism I've had of Joshua Cook several times - since it almost implies that good characters necessarily must be quirky characters. Lucas is fairly ordinary, but it seems to me that that's the point. What was and is a bigger problem for me is that even though we're more or less inside his head, I don't think we get enough of Lucas as a person. What we get more of is Lucas as a point of view - the camera in his eyeballs, so to speak. Going forward, I'd like to see more of his feelings regarding his new experiences

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards review:

I will start by saying that there will not be a lot different with this review and my previous one as I am still reviewing the same chapters, but I figured I would post anyway rather than wait for the eventual next chapter.

Firstly, we have a decent story here, with a lot of different elements to work with. Five chapters in though and not a lot of them have much cohesion: the first chapter almost feels like an entirely different story to the one that picks up in Chapter Two, and the anime references came completely out of left field for me. I know that it cannot be expected everything to be revealed at the start (I certainly would not do that), but I think there could be more hints to show how these things fit together, or perhaps less elements to comprehend in only a few chapters.
I did, however, enjoy the dark undertones present, which made for a chilling and different atmosphere than normal. The setting is one of the best elements, with a good political and dystopian climate that manages to revitalize the worn out Kanto setting.
Your style of writing is excellent, with a lovely sue of language and fantastic story telling. I will note I did not give top marks for this though because of the weird horror-like elements of the first chapter and then the change to the family environment in the next: I may feel differently when the point behind the first chapter makes sense, but currently it seems like an odd stylistic choice at this point in the story.
Technically speaking, I saw no errors that leapt out at me. Your characterization was fairly solid, with unique personalities showcased in every character and they each had their own mannerisms and ways of speaking. And on that subject...

Lucas:
Like I said before, I do not necessarily like him, but I think Lucas is a well written lead. There is some great internal conflict showcased right now, and the reasons for travelling and the world he lives in should give plenty of great character fodder later on. However, this is another case of it being very early in the story so I am not sure how things will pan out and it feels like there are some personality traits that will need more time to grow before they are perfected.
He is not massively original currently: the main unique differences come from other elements like being Gary's godson and being a journalist, but I think he needs time to develop more and showcase more of his actions and attitudes before I can judge him fully. He has some interesting internal monologues and is a pleasure to read, but hasn’t really done anything impressive or awe inspiring so far which is part of the reason why I am a bit indifferent to him: I will follow his tale because of your writing more than I will for him.

Victoria:
You did an incredible job of presenting the many aspects of Victoria's character in just one chapter, which showcases your excellent talent. She is certainly interesting and well thought out, with clear values and virtues, and the sister being the one to work in the mines is a nice flip on gender stereotypes. Largely though, I felt like she is essentially there to just be the inspiring older sibling. I do not think she is a bad character, and is in fact one of the better ones I read during the Awards, but the fact she only appears in part of one chapter is currently quite limiting. I struggle to see how much of a role she will have in the wider story, and even her role in these chapters is largely confined to that one chapter and takes a back seat after all that happens in the next ones. I think it would be a waste to not bring her back: I am not sure how, but I think Victoria could do a lot more than just be a plot device.

Overall:
It was a tough race between this and some rise by sin, and ultimately it came down to a put more has happened in that story that fits together. Your story is excellent and well written, but all the elements so far do not mesh and it makes things a bit confusing.
My main advice would be to perhaps hold back on introducing any more huge new parts of the story/world for a chapter or two and work on building what you currently have to work with: I think Lucas could be much more interesting, for example, once we see his journalistic nature come into play more. There is nothing wrong with your story so far, it is just being held back by the fact it is early on and there is not a lot that fits together as of it, but I believe that will be easily remedied once the story has a few more chapters under its belt. Keep up the good work, I want to see how Ash's story comes into play here and will expect new chapters until that happens